Skip to main content

Full text of "Punch"

See other formats 


Digitized  by  the  Internet  Archive 

in  2012  with  funding  from 

The  Institute  of  Museum  and  Library  Services  through  an  Indiana  State  Library  LSTA  Grant 


http://www.archive.org/details/punchv41lemo 


LONDON : 
PUBLISHED     AT    THE     OFFICE,     85,     FLEET     STREET, 

AND   SOLD   BY   ALL   BOOKSELLERS. 

1861. 


LONDON  t 
BRADBURY   AND   EVANS,    PRINTERS,    WIIITEFRIAE3 


RABELAIS  IN   FLEET   STREET, 


HOW    A    STRANGE    INDIAN    WOULD     RUN     BEFORE    PUNCHAGRUEL,  FAND    WHAT    CHANCED, 
AND    THE    VAST    REWARD    WHICH    THE    INDIAN    WON    THEREBY. 

1VTOW  the  good  Punchagruel  keeping  his  Christmas  with  joy  and  delight,  as  ever  was  his  fashion,  and 
-^  casting  forth  to  those  about  him,  yea,  and  to  all  the  world,  myriads  of  diamonds,  pearls,  emeralds, 
amethysts,  rubies,  topazes,  garnets,  opals,  chrysolites,  brilliants,  carbuncles,  sardonyxes,  jacinths,  and  other 
glorious  and  glittering  things,  which  the  Greeks  did  call  epigrams,  from  the  verb  which  signifieth  to  inscribe 
(as  Cox  of  Finsbury,  Member  of  Parliament,  well  knoweth),  there  came  to  him  a  message  that  a  strange 
Indian,  called  Deerfoot,  coveted  speech  with  him.  "  Bid  him  not  covet,"  said  the  virtuous  Punchagruel, 
"  and  bid  him  enter."  Whereupon  there  leaped  forward  a  wondrously  bedizened  Indian,  bounding  in  such  sort 
that  his  last  step  carried  him  four  hundred  and  eleven  thousand  yards,  or  that  I  may  not  lie  unto  you,  three 
inches  and  a  quarter  less,  and  he  had  to  walk  back  again  for  seventeen  hours  or  more,  until  he  regained  the 
place  where  stood  the  noble  Punchagruel.  Then,  kneeling  on  his  brown  knees,  the  Indian  set  forth, 
humbly  but  succinctly — first,  that  he  was  a  Seneca  Indian;  secondly,  that  he  was  a  great  runner;  thirdly,  that 
he  had  beaten  all  runners  beside  ;  fourthly,  that  though  loaded  with  prizes,  he  desired  but  one,  namely,  the 
praise  of  the  mighty  Punchagruel  ;  and  fifthly,  that  he  would  be  made  happy  for  life  if  he  might  run  before 
that  potentate.  The  mild  Punchagruel  smiled  affably,  and  said  unto  his  friends,  "  Seneca  is  not  too  heavy 
nor  Plautus  too  light  for  me."  Then,  improving  the  occasion  by  speaking  of  that  which  was  by  no  means  in 
question  or  to  the  purpose,  as  his  manner  is,  he  discoursed  to  them  the  history  of  Seneca,  reciting  many 
thousand  lines  from  his  tragedies  and  comedies,  and  reducing  his  imputed  wealth,  namely,  three  hundred 
thousand  sestertia,  into  pounds,  shillings,  pence  and  farthings,  and  then  into  napoleons,  francs   and  centipedes, 


IV 


PREFACE. 


[December  28,  1861. 


and  a°-ain  into  the  coinage  of  all  the  nations  in  the  world.  At  length  the  Indian,  heing  somewhat  tired  with 
standing  during  so  many  hours  of  discourse,  prayed  that  he  might  have  an  answer.  "  Thou  would'st  run  before 
me"  said  the  noble  Punchagruel.  "Nay,  that  were  impossible;  but  thou  may'st  run  after  me,  anthou  wilt. 
Go  it  thou  cripple  !  "  Then  flew  off  the  Indian  like  an  arrow  from  the  bow  of  Ulysses,  or  a  Yankee  of  the  North 
when  he  hears  that  a  Government  post  is  to  be  given  away.  He  ran  with  all  his  heart,  yet  the  calm  Punch- 
agruel stirred  not,  but  stood  narrating  to  his  followers  the  most  recondite  anecdotes  of  all  the  great  runners  of 
the  world,  and  their  history,  and  discoursing  so  sweetly  of  Atalanta,  Camilla,  and  I  know  not  what  others,  that 
the  hearers  fell  asleep  with  ecstacies  of  admiration  and  delight.  All  this  while  the  Indian  kept  running  like 
unto  that  hour  on  the  dial  which  is  signified  by  a  unit,  or  as  if  he  had  received  a  pedal  impulse  remitting  him 
into  the  centre  of  the  proximate  hebdomadal  period.  "  Ha  !  "  said  the  wise  Punchagruel,  "it  is  said  that  he 
who  runs  can  read.  Let  us  show  this  benighted  Indian  that  he  who  reads  can  run."  And  darting  forth  with 
one  measureless  and  inconceivable  rush,  that  clove  the  air  like  the  wind  of  an  Armstrong  shell,  and  caused 
innumerable  birds  to  fall  down  from  the  sky,  or  celestial  azure,  the  swift  Punchagruel  flew  along  like  the 
whirling  chariot  of  Phoebus,  when  that  god  has  lost  time  in  flirting  on  his  road,  and  putteth  on  the  steam  lest  he 
keep  the  dinner-table  of  Olympus  waiting.  He  speedily  caught  and  passed  the  straining  and  despairing  Indian 
(who  nevertheless  ran  valiantly),  and  smiling  affably  upon  him,  did  keep  ahead  of  him  until  Deerfoot,  throwing 
up  his  arms,  exclaimed  with  a  loud  voice,  "  Rabbyshackle  par  dendron  slapamikos  boo  dingy?"  which  signifieth 
in  the  Seneca  tongue,  "  Who  can  contend  with  the  Wonder  of  the  World?"  and  he  fell  flat  upon  the  earth. 
Then  the  kind  Punchagruel  caused  them  to  raise  him,  and  administer  consolation  and  brandy;  and  when  he 
was  recovered,  gave  him  so  many  jewels,  medals,  banknotes,  and  other  rewards,  that  the  Indian  staggered  under 
the  weight  thereof.  Then  the  gentle  Punchagruel  said,  "WoukTst  run  against  me,  brown-face  ?  Dost  not 
know  that  it  is  my  destiny  to  run  roil  ever  ?  "  And  beside  the  presents,  and  as  a  more  precious  donation 
than  all,  he  gave  him,  in  memory  of  the  day,  and  for  his  glorification  and  joy,  Lis 


THE     RE-ISSUE     OF    PUNCH. 

Now  Ready,    Vol.  V.  in  Boards,  Price  5s.,  and  the   Volume  for  1843,  Price  10s.  6d.,  handsomely 

bound  in  Cloth. 


This  Day  is  Published,  Price  7s.  6d., 
THE    FOURTH    VOLUME 

OF 

C  E     A     WEEK. 

Handsomely  bound  in  Cloth,  and  Illustrated  with  many  Engravings  on  Wood.    Also 

PART  XXIV.,  containing  Six  Numbers,  and  price  Is.  fid. 

Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


This  Day  is  Published,  Price  2s.  6d.,  Part  XXX.  of 

THE    ENGLISH    CYCLOPAEDIA 

OP  ARTS  AND  SCIENCES. 

Being  the  FOURTH  DIVISION  of  the  ENGLISH  CYCLOPAEDIA. 

Conducted  by  Charles  Knight. 

(«*  Vols.  I.   to  VII.  are  published,  Price  12,s.  each;   Vol.  VIII.,  completing  the 

entire  Cyclopaedia,  will  be  published  in  September. 

Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— July  6,   1861. 


NOW  READY. 

HENRY  IV.    AND    MARIE 
DE  MEDICI     By  Miss  Freer.    2  v. 

With  Portraits,  21s. 

A  SAUNTEE  THROUGH  THE 

WEST  END.    By  Leigh  Hunt.    It. 

NOTHING  NEW.     BY    THE 

Author  of  "John  Halifax  Gentleman."    Illus- 
trated by  J.E.  Miilais,  A.It.A.    is.  bound. 

THE  NEW  NOVELS. 

UNDER    THE    SPELI.     BY 

the  Author  of  "Grandmother's Money,"  &c.  'A  v. 

HOMELESS;    OR.  A  POET'S 

INNER  LIFE.    By  M.  Guidscumidt.    3  v. 

PAUL     FOSTER'S     DAUGE- 

TElt.    By  Button  Coon,    a  v. 

Hubst  &  Biackett,  Publishers. 


CONCLUDING  PARTS. 
This  day  is  Published,  Parts  IX.  and  X.  of 

KEITH  JOHNSTON'S 
ROYAL  ATLAS  OF  MODERN  GEO- 
GRAPHY, containing  Maps  of  England,  Spain, 
Asia  and  Africa,  India,  South  America,  Palestine. 
With  Title  pages  and  Contents  completing  the  work. 
Complete  Copies,  half-bound  in  Russia  or  Morocco, 
Price  £b  15s.  6d.,  will  be  ready  in  a  few  days. 
"W.  Blackwood  &  Sons,  Edinburgh  and  London. 


f  CE  AND  REFRIGERATORS. 

■a.  Q-BO.  SIMPsON  begs  to  state  that  he 
has  this  Season  perfected  his  well-known  REFRI- 
GERATORS  by  the  construction  of  an    invisible 

water  tank  (for  iced  water),  so  combined  that  the 
whole  interior  of  the  ice  chest  is  available  for  the  ice 
aud  provisions.  Pure  block  Ice,  lis.  per  1001b. ;  rough 
ice,  3s. Gd.  per  100  lb.:  delivered  in  town.  Freezing 
machines  to  be  used  with  or  without  ice,  freezing 
powders,  seltzogenes  (for  making  soda-water), 
niters,  &c. 

Geo.  Simpson,  Manufacturer.  315,  Oxford  Street, 
near  llarewood  Gates.    Established  1842. 


#^tf% 


PAMILY  TICKETS  TO  THE 

S  WATERING  PLACES  on  the  SOUTH 
COAST  are  now  issnedbv  the  LONDON,  BRIGH- 
TON, and  SOUTH  COAST  RAILWAY,  to  Families 
of  Four  Persons  and  upwards  for  one  month,  or 
extended  periods.  This  arrangement  romprises 
Brighton,  Portsmouth,  Isle  of  Wight,  Worthing, 
Eastbourne,  Bognor,  \<c— See  Time  Tables.  For 
Hastings  see  separate  advertisement.— Tickets  and 
full  particulars  can  be  obtained  at  the  Victoria, 
London  Bridge,  and  Norwood  Junction  Stations; 
or  at  the  Company's  Offices,  43,  Regent  Circus, 
Piccadilly. 


SIMPSON  &  Co., 

WHIP    MANUFACTURERS, 

314,  Oxford   Street,  London. 

A  large  assortment  of  the  following  GOODS  always 
in  stock:—  Spurs,  dog  chains,  couples  and  collars, 
greyhound  slips,  whistles,  ferret  bells,  dog  bells  and 
muzzles,  drinking  flasks,  Sandwich  cases,  hunting 
and  post  horns,  tourist  kegs,  birdcalls,  &c.  &c 


ftLENFIELD    PATENT 

w  STARCH,  Used  in  the  Royal  Laundry, 
and  Pronounced  by  Her  Majesty's  Laundress,  to  be 
the  Finest  Starch  she  ever  used.  Sold  by  all  Chan- 
dlers, Grocers,  &c.  &c. 

Wotuerspoon  &  Co.,  Glasgow  and  London. 


CEA  BATHING  AT  FECAMP. 

&££  — Com  men  cement  ot  the  Season  on 
June  1st.  First  Class  Watering-place  which  unites 
the  advantages  of  Lodging-houses,  Chalets,  Taverns, 
accommodation  at  table  for  '2  0  guests,  a  Casino, 
Balls  and  Concerts,  Heading-rooms, &c.  Hot  Baths, 
Sea  Baths,  Ordinary  or  Scorch  Shower-baths. 
From  Paris  to  Fecamp,  4  hours  and  three  quarters. 


NISH      YOUR      HO 

WITH  THE  BEST  AETICLES  AT 


IRONMONGERY   AND    FURNISHING    WAREHOUSES. 


DEAUE'3 


TABLE 


Dessert 
Knives. 

28s. 

18s. 

12s. 


Carvers. 

lis.  Od. 

7s.  M. 

5s.  Gd. 


CELEBRATED 
CUTLERY. 

Table 
Knives. 
Finest  Ivory  Handles     33s. 
Medium        ,,  23s. 

Good  ,,  16s. 

DEANE'S  Electro-Plate  Tea  and  Coffee  Sets, 

Liqueur    Stands,    Cruets,   Cake 

Baskets,  &c. 
DEANE'S  Dish  Covers  and  Britannia  Metal 

Goods. 
Prices  of  Tin  Dish  Covers  in  Sets  of 

Six  and  Seven :— ISs.,  30s.,  40s., 

63s.,  78s. 
DEANE'S  Papier-mache"  Tea  Trays,   in  Sets, 

from   21s.      New    and    Elegant 

Patterns  constantly  introduced. 
DEANE'S  Bronzed,  Copper,  and  Brass  Goods. 
DEANE'S  Bronzed  Tea  Urns,  50s.,  63s.,  84s. 
DEANE'S  Moderator  Lamps,  from  7s.  to  £6  6s. 


DEANE'S 


SP001TS 


Spoons,  Best  Plating 
Forks  ,, 

Spoons,  2nd  Quality 
Forks  ,, 


Dessert. 
30s. 
29s. 
24s. 
23s. 


Tea. 
ISs.  Od. 


Us.  M. 


ELECTRO-PLATED 
A^D   FORES. 

Table. 
40s. 
38s. 
33s. 
31s. 

DEANE'S  Drawing  Room  Stoves,  Ranges,  oic. 
DEANE'S  Fenders  and  Fire  Irons. 
DEANE'S    Iron     Bedsteads,    with     Bedding. 
Priced  Pamphlet,  with  Drawings, 
post  free. 
DEANE'S  Domestic  Baths.      See   Illustrated 

Priced  Pamphlet. 
DEANE'S  Tin,  Japan,  and  Iron  Goods. 
DEANE'S  Cornices  aud  Cornice  Poles. 
DEANE'S  Horticultural  Tools. 
DEANE'S  Chandeliers  and  Gas  Fittings. 


AN  ILLUSTRATED  CATALOGUE  AND  PRICED  FURNISHING  LIST  SENT  TOST  FREE. 
DEANE  &  Co.,  LONDON  BRIDGE -Established  A.D.  1700. 


LE      SOMMIEE      ELASTIQTJE 

HEAL    AND    S 


PORTATIF. 


XT  AVE  patented  a.  method  of  making  a  Spring  Mattress  portable.  The  great  objection  to  the 
-*■-*-  usual  Spring  Mattress  is  its  being  so  heavy  and  cumbersome.  The  "Sommier  Elastique 
Portatif"  is  made  in  three  separate  parts  ;  and,  when  joined  together,  has  all  the  elasticity  of 
the  best  Spring  Mattress.  As  it  has  no  stuffing  of  wool  or  horse-hair,  it  cannot  harbour  moth, 
to  which  tho  usual  Spring  Mattress  is  very  liable  ;  the  prices  also  are  much  below  those  of  the 
best  Spring  Mattresses,  viz. : — 
3  ft.  wide  by  6  ft.  4  in.  long £2    5    0  ]  4  ft.  6  in.  by  6  ft.  4  in.  long £3    0     0 

3  ft.  6  in.  „        ,,  2  10    0  I  5  ft.  „        ,,  3    5    0 

4  ft.  „        ,,  2  15    0  1  5  ft.  6  in.  „         „  3  10    0 

The  "  Sommier  Elastique  Portatif,"  therefore,  combines  the  advantages  of  elasticity,  dura- 
bility, cleanliness,  portability,  and  cheapness.  An  ILLUSTRATED  CATALOGUE  of  Bedsteads, 
Bedding,  and  Bed-Room  Furniture,  sent  free  by  post  on  application. 

HEAL  &  SON,  196,  Tottenham  Court  Road,  W. 

HEALTHY,   GLOSSY,   AHB   CLEAH  HA1E  OBTAINED 

BY   USING 

SUTTON'S 
PAEMA    CHSISTI    HAIE    WAS 


The  virtues  of  Palma  Christi  Oil  as  an  invigorator  and  beautifier  of  the  Hair  have  been  acknow- 
ledged by  the  highest  authorities,  but  hitherto  it  has  not,  been  brought  into  such  a  form  as  to  be 
both  beneficial  and  pleasant.  The  inventor  of  this  beautiful  Preparation  assures  the  Public  that 
it  contains  neither  acid  nor  alkali,  so  as  to  blanch  or  destroy  the  colour  of  the  Hair,  as  is  uni- 
versally the  case  with  other  washes,  but  is  a  pure  bland  solution  of  the  Oil  so  as  to  bring  it. 
immediately  in  contact  with  the  roots  of  the  Hair.  The  effect  is  marvellous  in  remedying  scurf 
or  dandriff.  and  the  Hair  itself  is  left  rich  and  glossy  in  appearance,  and  never  becomes  harsh  or 
dry.  No  Pomade  or  Cosmetique  is  required  while  using  it.  For  the  Nursery  it  is  without 
exception  the  best  thing  in  use.  Since  its  introduction  four  years  ago  5,000  bottles  have  been 
sold  by  its  own  merits  only,  having  found  its  way  to  India,  China,  and  several  of  the  Colonies. 

PJAEPAEED  SOLELY  BY  HAIiPEE   &   SUTTON, 

CHEMISTS,  NORWICH. 

Every  Bottle  has  their  name  over  the  Cork.     Price  Is.  Od.,  3s.  0d.,  and  10s.  Od.  each. 

May  be  obtained  retail  of  all  Chemists  at  homo  and  abroad,  and  Wholesale  at  tho  Patent 

Medicine  and  Drug  Warehouses  in  London  and  elsewhere. 


-milion  CLARET, 


,4s.  per  UOZ. 

BOTTLES  INCLUDED. 
A  good  sound  Wine,  warranted  pure.     This  is  the  same  Wine  referred  to  ia 
the  House  of  Commons  by  the  Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer. 

"11,  Downing-  Street,  Whitehall,  S.W.,  March  23, 1861. 
"Sir — I  am  desired  by  the  Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer  to  say  that  he 
has  no  objection  whatever  to  your  stating  that  he  alluded  to  your  Wine. 

"  H.  R.  Williams,  Esq."  "  I  am,  &c,  C.  L.  Ryan. 

WILLIAMS,  Importer  of  Wines  and  Spirits, 

112,  Bishopsgate  Street  Within    City. 


TABLE   CUTLERY,    67   and    68,  KING 

WILLIAM  STREET,  LONDON  BRIDGE.  Established  in  Sheffield,  a.d.  1S10.  None  are 
genuine  without  their  Corporate  Mark— the  "Sun,"  granted  to  their  father  by  the  Cutlers' 
Company  of  Sheffield,  June  26th,  1835. 

Ordinary  Quality.  Medium  Quality.  Beat  Quality. 


Two  dozen  full-size  Table  Knives  ivory  handles  £2  4  0 

One-and-a-half  dozen  full-size  Cheese  ditto   1  4  0 

One  pair  regular  meat  Carvers  0  7  6 

One  pair  extra  size  ditto 0  S  6 

One  pair  Poultry  Carvers 0  7  fl 

One  Steel  for  Sharpening 0  3  0 


£3  6 
1  14 
0  11 
0  12 
0  11 
0    4 


j£4  12 
2  11 
0  15 
0  16 
0  15 
0    0 


Complete  Service £4  14    6        £6  IS    6        £9  16    6 

Any  quantity  can  be  had  at  the  same  prices.     None  of  the  above  can  come  loose  in  Hot  Water. 
Manufactory,  Queen's  Cutlery  Works,  Sheffield. 


A    TOOTH  from  5s.,  set  £2  10s.     Without  Springs,  Wires,  or  any  painful  operation.     N 
-c*-  Appearance  and  durability  guaranteed.     All  Consultations  free. 


atural 


|JARVEY'S  PISH  SAUCE- 

*A  Notice  of  Injunction.— The  admirers 
bf  this  celebrated  Fish  Sauce  are  particularly  re- 
quested to  observe  that  none  is  genuine  but  that 
which  bears  the  back  label  with  the  name  of  Wil- 
li am  Lazeis-by,  as  well  as  the  front  label  signed 
Elizabeth  Lazenbv,"  and  that  for  further  security 
on  the  neck  of  every  bottle  of  the  Genuine  Sauce 
will  henceforward  appear  an  additional  label,  printed 
in  green  and  red,  as  follows:— "This  notice  will  be 
aft\ed  to  Lazenb/s  Harvey's  Sauce,  prepared  at 
the  original  warehouse,  in  addition  to  the  well  known 
labels,  whieh  are  protected  against  imitation  by  a 
perpetual  injunction  in  Chancery  of  Dth  July,  1858." 
C,  Lawards  Street,  Portman  Square,  London,  W. 


\smJ    FITTED 

ICOMRLETE* 

tfLADIF*"**"1™ 


^  -*"■  °°-  ».**r*r    ,  {COM  PLETE'. 

©PP0SITE/[ 


.0- STREET. 


WAITED    LEFT-OFE 

W  CLOTHES  FOR  AUSTRALIA, 
Good  or  Inferior.  Mb.  and  Mrs.  JOHN  ISAACS, 
319  and  320,  Strand,  Opposite  Somerset  House,  con- 
tinue? giving  the  Highest  Price,  in  cash,  for  Ladies' 
and  Gentlemen's  Clothes,  also  Regimentals,  Boots, 
Books,  Linen,  Underclothing,  Plate,  Watches,  and 
Jewellery,  and  in  fact  Anything.  Letters  addressed 
as  above  instantly  attended  to.— I\T.B.  All  Parcels, 
large  or  small,  from  the  country,  the  utmost  value 
returned  by  Post  Office  Order  the  same  day. 

WE,    MABKWELL,    WINE 

-A./&  Merchant  to  Her  Majesty,  Nos.  35  to 
40,  and  45,  Albemarle  Street,  and  ^Stafford  Street, 
Piccadilly,  London,  W.  Naval  and  Military  Messes 
supplied.  Receipts  for,  and  Compounds  ot",  Ameri- 
can Drinks.  The  still  and  sparkling  Catawba.  The 
Californian  Champagne,  54s.  per  dozen.  Red  and 
white  Hungarian  Wines,  30s.  and  upwards  per  doz. 
The  celebrated  aromatic  Scheidam  Schnapps. 
Stoughton  &  Sickles'  Bitters.  Bourbon,  Mononga- 
hela,  and  Old  Dominion  Whiskies. 


3'PHS  PE£T   SUPERSEDED  — 

A  MARK  TOUR  LINEN.— The  best,  and 
only  method  of  marking  linen,  silk,  stockings, 
coarse  towels,  Xc.  so  as  to  prevent  the  ink  washing 
out,  is  with  CULLETON'S  PATENT  ELECTRO- 
SILVER  PLATES.  By  means  of  this  novel  inven- 
tion a  Thousand  Pieces  of  Linen  can  be  marked  in 
one  Hour, with  Initials,  Name,  Coronet,  or  Crest; 
with  directions  lor  use.  Sent  post  free  for  stamps. 
Initial  Plate,  Is  ;  Name,  is  Cd. ;  Set  of  Moveable 
Numbers.  Ms.  0d.;  Crest,  5s. 

T.  Cuxleton,   Patentee,  2S,    Cranboum    Street, 
corner  of  St.  Martin's  Lane,  W.C. 


DR.  DE  JONGH'S 

LIGKT-BB0WN  COD  LIVES 
OIL, 

Is  Incomparably  Superior  to  every  other  kind. 
"It-was  fitting  that  theauthor  of  ihebest  analysis 
and  investigations  into  the  properties  of  this  Oil 
should  himself  be  the  purveyor  of  this  important 
medicine."— Jonathan  Pereira,  M.D.,  F.R  S. 
Imperial  Half-pints,  2s  6d.;  Pints,  45.94.;  Quarts,  9s. 
Sole  Agents:  Ax  sab,,  Harford,  &  Co.,  7?,  Strand. 


gg£      ]3  HOTEL'S    PA- 

**    TENT     PERFUME 
VAPORISER,  an  Elegant  Ap- 
paratus, recommended  by  Dr. 
Letueby  and  Dr.  H  ass  all  for 
diffusing     the     fragrance    of 
flowers,  and  purifying  the  air. 
Price  from  6s. 
Rimmel,  Perfumer. 
=     95,  Strand,  and  24,  Cornhill. 

fUIU  BB'S       L~0~C  K  S, 

*^  with  all  the  newest  improvements  ; 
strona:  fireproof  safes,  cash  and  deed  boxes.  Com- 
plete list,  of  sizes  and  prices  may  be  had  on  applica- 
tion.— Chubs  &  Son,  &7.  St.  Paul's  Churchyard, 
London;  CS, Lord  Street, Liverpool;  IP,  Market  Street, 
Manchester;  and  Horseley  Fields,  Wolverhampton. 


\t  RE.' 


Which  is  so  highly  esteemed  with  Fish,  Game, 
Steaks,  Soups,  Grills,  Gravies,  Hot  &  Cold  Meats, 
aud  unrivalled  for  general  use,  is  Sold  by  the  most 
respectable  Dealers  in  Pish  Sauces. 

C.  Cocks,  Reading.  Sole  Manufacturer. 


CELEBEATED    \ 

BEADING  SAUCE, 


PUNCH'S   ESSENCE   OF   PARLIAMENT. 


"jVTONDAY,  June  21.  The  appearance  of  a  new  Lord  Chancellor  is  an 
-™  event  almost  worthy  to  inaugurate  the  appearance  of  the  First 
Number  of  a  new  Volume  of  Punch,  and  the  more  so  that  at  length  the 
Great  Seal  has  been  caught  by  a  sportsman  of  first-rate  abilities.  Sir 
Richard  Bethell,  the  son  of  a  physician,  and  the  descendant  of  the 
old  Welsh  family  of  Ap-Ithell,  now  sits  upon  the  Woolsack  (when  he 
has  not  a  more  comfortable  seat  this  hot  weather)  as  Baron  West- 
bury,  and  Westbury  is  a  place  in  Wiltshire.  Mr.  Punch  has  just  done 
himself  the  pleasure  of  smiling  at  and  bowing  to  the  new  Chancellor, 
and  of  remarking  that  though  he  may  be  called  Felix,  neither  in  look 
nor  attitude  does  his  Lordship  resemble  the  Felix  over  his  head?  nor,  to 
speak  the  truth,  did  Mr.  Punch  detect  any  very  strong  likeness  between 
the  pictured  orator  who  is  addressing  the  uncomfortable  pro-consul  and 
any  of  the  mumbling  gentlemen  who  were  taking  this  early  opportunity 
of  obtruding  their  views  of  equity  upon  Lord  Westbury.  Mr.  Punch 
begs  heartily  to  congratulate  his  noble  and  learned  friend,  B.  C,  and, 
by  way  of  a  debcate  allusion  to  his  Cambrian  ancestry,  signifies  Mr.  P.'s 
hope  that  during  the  intervals  when  his  Lordship  ceases  to  be  bored  by 
Chancery  babble,  he  will  make  any  swaggering  ancient  (or  modern) 
Pistol  in  the  House  of  Lords  or  "  elsewhere,"  eat  the  leek  which  he 
will  be  a  bold  man  to  mock. 

The  Parliamentary  chronicle  of  the  week,  however,  commences  with  the 
tribute  paid  by  the  Upper  House  to  the  memory  of  Lord  Campbell, 
whose  sudden  demise  took  place  in  the  morning  of  the  previous  Sunday. 
His  Lordship  had  on  the  Saturday  presided  in  the  Court  of  Chancery, 
where  he  had  "  reserved  a  judgment "  never  to  be  delivered  by  himself, 
had  attended  a  Cabinet  Council,  and  had  in  the  evening  received  friends. 
"  Fortune  for  him  had  thrown  the  Treble  Six,"  but  he  had  laboured 
long  and  well  to  deserve  his  gains.  The  House  adjourned,  after 
addresses  from  Lords  Granville,  Brougham,  and  St.  Leonards. 


In  the  Commons,  on  Monday,  it  was  elicited  that  the  French 
Government  are  considering  whether  they  shall  let  British  salt  hito 
France.  If  they  would  freely  admit  Attic  Salt,  at  six  sous  per  measure, 
direct  from  85,  Fleet  Street,  it  would  be  a  tenfold  greater  boon  to  the 
Parisians,  who  must  be  bored  to  death  with  the  niaiseries  and  naughti- 
nesses of  their  own  fettered  satirists.  Sir  G.  Lewis  made  another 
attempt  to  justify  himself  in  the  matter  of  the  Swell  who  behaved  like  a 


blackguard  at  Cremorne,  and  whose  punishment  was  so  indulgently  re- 
mitted, but  Sir  George  succeeded  only  in  making  Mr.  Arnold's  con- 
duct appear  still  more  praiseworthy  than  before.  The  Home  Secretary 
actually  laid  stress  upon  the  fact  that  the  police  did  not  press  the  case. 
The  police  press  the  case  against  a  Swell  with  discreet  friends  !  "  Why, 
there  be  exclamations  of  laughing,  as,  ha !  ha !  ho !  ho !  "  not  to  add, 
"  hee !  hee !  "  Then  came  another  debate  upon  the  ejections  in  Donegal 
by  Mr.  Adair.  Livers  Irish  Members  abused  him  for  them,  and  other 
Irish  Members  defended  him  for  them.  Mr.  Adair  believed  that  in 
making  a  wholesale  clearance  of  tenantry  he  was  crushing  out  a  piece 
of  the  Ribbon  conspiracy,  and  his  assailants  deny  that  he  had  sufficient 
grounds  for  such  bebe'f,  and  say  that  he  ought  not  to  have  inflicted 
suffering  without  more  proof.  But  half  the  business  of  the  scoundrelly 
Ribbon  conspirators  is  to  take  care  that  there  shall  be  no  proof  of  then- 
crimes.  The  Government  did  not  approve  of  Mr.  Adair's  operations, 
but  refused  to  remove  from  the  commission,  as  demanded,  a  landlord 
who  had  in  no  way  violated  the  law,  about  obedience  to  which,  by  land- 
lords, the  Irish  are  so  uncommonly  particular. 

We  send  3000  soldiers  to  Canada  by  the  Great  Pastern,  a  prudential 
measure  which  of  course  afforded  material  for  some  pleasing  carping, 
not  much  to  the  discomfiture  of  the  Viscount  Palmerston.  Lord 
John  Russell  intends  to  prevent,  if  possible,  any  new  war  between 
Spain  and  Morocco,  and  rejoices  in  the  increasing  prosperity  of  the 
former.  In  spite  of  Mu.  Buckle,  Spain  intends,  she  says,  to  resume 
her  old  position  as  a  leading  power.  Bott—we  trust  to  have  an 
Elizabeth  ready. 

Tuesday.  The  Lords  said  that  it  was  a  hot  evening,  and  went  away. 
The  Commons  had  a  little  battle  in  the  morning  over  the  Bill  for 
making  London  pay,  out  of  her  coals  and  wine,  for  the  Embankment,  but 
a  majority  of  160  to  5  showed  that  the  House  thought  that  any  sort  of 
settlement  of  the  question  was  better  than  none  at  all.  At  night,  Mr. 
T.  G.  Baring  defended  the  cruelty  of  making  soldiers  march  over- 
dressed and  overloaded  under  a  broiling  sun,  and  the  defence  was 
charmingly  official :  "Another  detachment  had  made  the  same  march, 
and  no  harm  was  done."  Who  was  it,  Wiscount,  who  said  something 
about  the  small  wisdom  with  which  the  world  was  governed?  Take  it 
easy, — try  your  mnemonics,— Stern— ox— ox's  stern— Oxienstern. 
Good  boy !  .  , 

Abdul  Medjid,   the   Sultan  of  Turkey,   died,   and  was  buried 


VOL.  XLI. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[July  6,   1861. 


iii  the  Mosque  of  Achmet,  Constantinople,  this  day.  His  In-other  and 
successor,  Abdul  Aziz,  immediately  published  a  Hat,  declaring  that  he 
means  to  adhere  to  _  the  policy  of  his  predecessor,  but  to  avoid  his 
extravagance.  This  is  a  very  good  Hat,  and  we  hope  it  will  keep  its 
shape,  and  especially  will  not  require  improving  by  a  French  INap.  It 
is  said,  however,  that  the  new  Shadow  of  Providence  is  a  believer  in 
the  Koran,  and  means  to  go  in  for  bigotry,  in  which  case  the  Bosporus, 
pro  quo  male  scribitur  Bosphorus,  may  one  of  these  early  days  have  to 
carry  him  and  his  amiable  and  accomplished  wives  over  the  way,  and 
the  Seraglio  may  be  to  let.  Lord  Stratford  de  Therapia,  who 
knows  everything  about  the  East,  has  heard  that  the  new  Sultan  is  a 
man  of  "an  arbitrary  temperament  and  decided  turn  of  mind,"  and 
his  Lordship  recommended  that  good  advice  should  be  bestowed  upon 
him.  Mr.  Punch  may  probably  go  round  for  the  purpose,  when  Parlia- 
ment rises. 

Then  came  a  Military  Debate ;  that  is  to  say,  the  comparative  claims 
of  the  Enfield  and  Whitworth  Rifles  were  debated,  and  Lord  Palmer- 
ston  said,  truly,  that  such  a  matter  must  be  left  to  the  Executive,  and 
was  not  for  Parliament.  To  be  sure,  if  Members  like  to  remain  in 
Town  after  the  Prorogation,  they  may  be  supplied  with  guns,  and  may 
practise  along  the  interminable  passages  ot  the  Houses,  and  so  be 
ready  to  report  in  February.  Eh,  Gentlemen,  come,  this  would  be 
nobler  than  slaying  grouse  on  the  heather, — who  puts  clown  his  name 
first  ?  Palace  Yard  will  be  a  pleasant  promenade  in  the  close  September 
evenings,  and  very  good  whelks  may  be  bought  in  the  corner  by  the 
new  Bridge. 

Aldershott  came  in  for  awful  denunciations,  as  a  useless  place,  and 
an  unhealthy  place,  and  a  haunt  of  vice,  and  all  sorts  of  bad  things  ; 
and  Mr.  Bernal  Osborne  lost  his  temper  at  being  chaffed  by  Lord 
Palmerston,  and  accused  the  latter  of  repeating  a  joke  which  he  made 
six  years  ago.  Good  gracious,  Bernal,  who  but  Mr.  Punch  can  escape 
that  sort  of  repetition  ? 

Wednesday.  A  new  writ  was  moved  for  Wolverhampton,  vacated  by 
the  elevation  of  the  Attorney-General  to  the  Woolsack.  Here  it 
may  be  convenient  to  record  that  the  Solicitor-General,  Sir  William 
Atherton,  is  not  thought  strong  enough  for  the  place  of  Attorney,  so 
he  is  to  be  sent  up  to  the  Bench,  and  Sir  Roundell  Palmer  (Punch 
knights  him  offhand,  to  save  bother)  is  to  be  the  successor  of  Sir 
Richard.  Sir  Roundell  was  a  Peelite,  is  an  able  speaker,  scholar, 
gentleman,  and  so  on  ;  and  if  he  will  divest  himself  of  a  certain  prig- 
gishness  (0  !  Mr.  Punch  fears  neither  Attorney-Generals  nor  any 
created  beings)  he  will  do  very  well.  Mr.  Collier  will  make  him  an 
excellent  coadjutor ;  aud  as  the  first  is  for  Church-Rates  and  against 
Ballot,  and  the  other  is  for  Ballot  and  against  Church-Rates,  the  una- 
nimity of  the  Ministry  will  not  be  disturbed,  as  the  two  lawyers  can 
pair  off  together,  and  go  and  smoke  comfortably  when  either  "question 
comes  on. 

A  Bill  for  enabling  Masters  and  Operatives  to  settle  disputes  by 
.arbitration  was  lost ;  but  this  object  is  a  good  one,  and  ought  to  be 
followed  up.  The  difficulty  is  that  the  parties  cannot  be  compelled  to 
submit  to  the  decision  of  any  such  tribunal,  whereas  the  Ereneh 
Prud'hommes  have  authority.  For  some  reason,  the  Government  are 
afraid  to  interfere  with  the  ridiculous  and  iniquitous  Court  of  Jersey, 
so  that  nuisance  continues  to  be  as  full-blown  as  the  toads  of  the 
island. 

Thursday.  Introduced  by  Lords  Brougham  and  Cranworth,  Lord 
Westbury  took  liis  seat.  The  only  proceeding  of  interest  Avas  a  dis- 
cussion about  the  Turner  pictures,  which  are  not  being  treated  in 
accordance  with_  the  will  or  the  painter-testator.  Lord  Granville 
thought  that  their  being  exhibited  at  Kensington  was  the  best  interim. 
measure  that  covdd  be  adopted,  and  Professor  Faraday  says  that  the 
gas  does  them  no  harm.  The  only  danger  is  that  from  conflagration, 
about  which  peril,  perhaps,  the  nervousness  of  noble  Lords  was 
justifiably  awakened  by  the  tremendous  fire  which  broke  out  near 
London  Bridge  on  the  previous  Saturday,  and  which  was  still  burning 
while  they  tallced. 

In  the  Commons — India. 

Friday.  There  is  a  Dublin  dispute— there,  dearest  readers,  don't  throw 
down  the  paper, — consider  that  it  is  Punch  who  speaks,  and  you  ought  to 
listen  whether  you  like  it  or  not—"  Apollo's  oracle  never  speaks  in 
vain" — there  is  a  Dublin  dispute  about  the  opening  some  gardens  to 
the  public  on  Sunday  afternoon.  Into  the  merits  of  that  particular 
Irish  question  Mr.  Punch  is  not  going  now,  but  inasmuch  as  the  Bishop 
of  Carlisle  is  reported  to  have  asserted  in  the  debate,  that  persons 
who  wish  to  afford  the  humbler  classes  the  means  of  harmless  enjoy- 
ment in  fresh  air,  on  the  Sunday,  are  "seeking  to  undermine  the 
sanctity  of  the  Sabbath,"  Doctor— what 's  your  protege's  name, 
Shaftesbury?— Doctor  VValdegrave  reminds  Mr.  Punch  of  the  con- 
dition of  the  boxer,  who,  after  a  stunning  round  and  fall,  came  up 
"looking  nine  ways  for  Sunday."  These  new  Bishops  do  not  know 
much,  but  must  surely  have  read  Thomas  Scott,  or  Matthew  Henry. 
or  Dr.  Doddridge,  or  Hartwell  Horne,  and  must  have  discovered 
that  Saturday  was  the  Sabbath,  and  that  Sunday  is  the  first  day  of  the 
week,  and  not  the  Sabbath.  Mr.  Punch  will  overhaul  them,  at  a  com- 
petitive examination,  one  of  these  fine  days. 


In  the  Commons,  a  Bill  for  improving  the  law  affecting  the  settlement 
of  the  poor  was  opposed,  but  sent  into  Committee  by  187  to  44.  Sir 
John  Villiers  Shelley,  who  was  cheered,  made  objections  to  the 
measure,  as  did  others,  but  the  common  sense  of  the  House  was  the 
other  way.  Mr.  Baillie  Cochbane  talked  some  nonsense  against 
the  Garibaldi  fund,  and  Lord  John  Russell  said,  contemptuously, 
that  it  was  scarcely  necessary  for  him  to  make  any  observations  in 
reply,  but  did  make  a  few,  and  put  Cross-bearer  Bowyer  in  a  rage. 
These  convertites !  A  long  debate  about  nothing,  in  which  much  good 
sense  was  uttered  in  deprecation  of  wasting  time  in  talking,  brought 
on  Army  and  Civil  Estimates,  and  a  good  lot  of  money  was  shelled  out 
up  to  about  three  in  the  morning,  when  Members  thought  they  might 
as  well  go  home. 

Mr.  Punch  subjoins  an  extract  which  the  Morning  Star  gives  him. 
It  illustrates  his  last  week's  mention  of  Lord  Robert  Montagu's 
vain  attempt  to  keep  a  House  while  he  was  muddling  over  the  Schleswig- 
Holstein  question. 

"  The  Dagbladtt  of  Copenhagen  pays  the  following  tribute  to  the  speech  of  Loud 
Robert  Montagu  in  the  House  of  Commons  on  the  ISth  instant,  in  reference  to 
the  Schleswig-Holstein  question: — 'We  have  never  met  with  so  many  incorrect 
dates,  unintelligible  misconceptions,  and  false  and  absurd  deductions  as  in  the 
confused  mass  of  nonsense  which  the  noble  Lord  displayed  to  the  House.  The  ex- 
planation which  the  witty  Punch  put  into  the  mouth  of  an  honest  Paterfamilias, 
endeavouring  to  make  the  Danish  question  clear  to  his  youthful  heir,  thirsting  for 
information,  was  very  much  more  accurate,  and  infinitely  more  intelligible." 

Of  course  it  is.  We  pardon  our  Danish  friend  for  comparing  us  for 
a  second  to  Lord  Robert  Montagu.  Our  friend  should  hear  that 
Bobby.  But  we  may  mention  that  Lord  Robert's  attempt,  on  the 
18th,  was  elevated  into  respectability  by  the  infusion  of  party  malice. 
It  is  intended,  when  the  House  will  listen,  to  try  and  fix  upon  Lord 
Palmerston  the  charge  of  having  cut  sixteen  hairs  off  the  head  of  the 
King  of  Denmark,  or  done  something  to  somebody's  hens,  in  order 
to  please  Russia,  and  of  having  denied  that  he  had  done  so._  The 
business  is  said  to  have  been  done  about  nine  years  ago.  Will  the 
Dagbladet  take  his  dagger-bladed  knife,  and  give  the  right  party  a  slight 
prod  ? — Punch  will  put  the  pepper  into  the  hole. 


FOREWARNED  IS  DISARMED. 
A  Coo  from  a  Dove. 

Oh  !  don't  be  afraid 

That  the  French  will  invade 
This  land  without  any  occasion ; 

Give  them  all  their  own  way, 

And  I  make  bold  to  say_ 
They  will  ne'er  trouble  us  with  invasion. 

Supreme  on  the  seas, 

They  will  do  what  they  please, 
And  therefore  'tis  clear  our  right  course  is, 

If  we  would  have  peace, 

To  let  them  increase 
Their  fleet,  and  cut  down  all  our  forces. 


A  FEW  SCRATCHES  ON  PAPER. 

Everything  in  Japan,  if  we  are  to  believe  one  fractional  part  of 
what  travellers  tell  us,  appears  to  be  made  of  paper,  from  a  pocket- 
handkerchief  down  to  a  dog-kennel.  _  The  very  banks  may,  for  what  we 
know,  be  built  of  paper,  as  many  a  discount,  or  bubble-bank  is  with  us. 
If  a  conflagration  once  broke  out,  spreading  from  house  to  house,  aud 
running  on  from  one  hedge  to  another  (for  we  are  informed  that  the 
hedges  even  are  cut  out  of  coloured  paper,  and  so  wonderfully  imitated, 
as  actually  to  deceive  the  Japan  sparrows),  and  _  so  communicating 
gradually  from  village  to  village,  the  mischief  might  in  time  extend  over 
the  entire  kingdom,  which,  the  sooner  it  is  steeped  in  a  solution  of  alum, 
the  better  it  will  be  for  its  safety. 

There  is  but  little  doubt  that  the  whole  place  once  ignited  would 
burn  "like  a  house  on  fire."  It  is  questionable  even  whether  the 
inhabitants  would  escape,  for  with  so  much  paper  all  over  the  place, 
there  is  no  gainsaying  whether  the  Japanese  themselves  may  not  all  be 
men  of  letters,  and  if  so,  they  would  perish  not  less  easily  than  the 
contents  of  a  wastepaper-basket.  It  maybe  from  paper  entering  thus 
largely  into  all  departments,  that  Japan  itself  has  for  centuries  past 
remained  so  stationary. 


Fanning  the  Flame. 


On  the  Boulevards  (according  to  Mr.  Keller)  they  have  been  selling 
fans  with  the  five  portraits  of  the  Emperor,  the  EMPRESs,_the  Prince 
Imperial,  Victor-Emmanuel,  and_  Garibaldi.  The  omission  of  one 
fancy  portrait  certainly  surprises  us  in  such  a  place,  and  that  is,  that  of 
the  Italian  General  Fan:ti.  This  sixth  portrait  would  have  appro- 
priately completed  the  series  of  Portraits  de  Fauti-sies. 


July  6,  1861.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


THE    DOLEFUL    BALLADE 


YOUNG  BILL  OF  BANKRUPTCIE,   AND  YE  CRUEL  LORDES. 

The  Lawyers  they  walke  in  Liucolne's  Inn, 

Sae  do  they  in  Westminster  Ha', 
Sae  does  the  Members  o'  Parliament 

Qulian  they  play  at  the  jaw. 

But  o'  Lawyers  and  Members  is  nane  so  proud 

As  Sua  Richarde  ye  Bethel  to  see, 
Wi'  his  briefes  three-piled,  aud  his  ane  raire  cliilde, 

Young  Bill  o'  Bankruptcie. 

"  Now  gae  and  play,  my  ain  younge  Bill, 

Shapeliest  o'  shapelie  bairns : 
Lang  ere  they'll  see  the  match  o'  thee 

Turned  out  by  Hugh  o'  Cairns." 

Then  awa'  and  awa'  went  that  bonnie  Bill, 

'Twas  its  father's  bairne  I  trow, 
To  the  cock  o'  the  nose  and  the  lisp  o'  the  lip, 

And  the  brass  upon  the  brow. 

Oh,  proude  it  ran  and  proude  it  rade, 

As  who  'd  say  "  Here  I  am ; " 
The  smooth  it  stept,  and  the  rough  it  leapt, 

To  the  Lordes'  House  till  it  cam. 

Then  oot  cam  St.  Leonards— that  cruel  Lorde, 

Said,  "  Come  in,  my  Bill  so  fine ; 
We'  11  busk  thy  brow,  and  dight  thy  mou', 

And  trim  yon  claws  o'  thine." 

"  My  brow  is  buskit,  my  mou'  is  dight ! 

Nane  claws  o'  mine  maun  trim ; 
My  father,  I  ween,  hath  graitht  me  right, 

And  wha  mends  after  him  ?" 

Then  oot  and  cam  the  Lorde  Chelmsfoede, 

Black  Wensleydale  oot  cam  he ; 
They  hae  lured  the  young  thinge  in,  wi'  worde 

And  act  o'  curtesye. 

They  hae  ta'en  out  each  a  little  penknife, 

And  spht  him  hair  by  hair ; 
They  hae  twined  the  young  thinge  and  his  life,— 

Wi'  their  cuts  sae  sharp  and  sair. 

And  oot,  at  each  job,  cam  the  thick,  thick  bluid, 

And  oot  at  each  cut  the  thin  ; 
They  hae  hacked  and  gashed,  and  snipped  and  slashed, 

Nor  left  whole  inch  of  skin. 

They  streikt  him  oot  upon  the  borde, 

And  dressed  him  fan  and  fine, 
And  laughing  said,  "  Gae  now  and  greet 

That  modest  father  o'  thine." 

They  hae  rowed  him  in  the  parchment  scroll, 

And  tied  him  wi'  the  tape, 
And  east  him  in  at  a  pigeon-hole, 

Wi'  bitter  jest  and  jape. 

Whenne  prayers  were  read,  and  wi'  wig  on  head, 

The  Speaker  his  seat  had  ta'en, 
Then  ilka  Member  had  his  younge  Bill, 

But  Sir  Richard  he  had  nane ! 

He  rolled  his  gray  eyne  round  about, 

And  he  prayed  (?)  not  loud  but  deep  ;  ^ 

And  he  ran  nnto  the  Lordes'  Office, 

Quhair  the  clerkes  were  all  asleepe. 

"  My  bonny  young  Bill  my  pretty  young  Bill, 

1  pray  thee  to  me  speik." 
"  Ob,  father  search  the  fourth  pigeon-hole, 

Gin  ye  your  Bill  wad  seik." 

Sir,  Richard  ran  to  the  fourth  pigeon-hole, 

And  knelt  upon  his  knee, 
"My  bonny  young  Bill,  an  ye  be  here, 

I  pray  thee  speik  to  me ! " 

"  The  Lordes  were  wondrous  cruel,  father — 

Their  cuts  are  wondrous  sair ; 
There 's  St.  Leonard's  his  penknife  in  my  hert, 

And  Wensleydale's  in  my  hah. 

"  It 's  ne'er  a  judge  Brougham  gars  ye  have, 
Nor  Lyndhurst  a  trade  assignee  ; 


They  hae  hit  my  flaws,  and  pared  the  claws 
Ye  trimmed  sae  fair  to  see. 

"  Gac  hamc,  gae  hame,  my  father  deir, 

Tak  nae  mair  heed  o'  me ; 
I'm  no  the  Bill  that  ye  sent  oot, 

Sae  blithe  and  bright  o'  blee." 

Then  it 's  up  and  spak  Sir  Richard, 
And  a  grisly  oath  he  swore, 

(The  rest  of  the  MS.  is  wauting._  Diligent  search  is  now  being  made 
for  the  conclusion  of  this  very  cmious  old  ballad  among  the  MS.  and 
printed  treasures  of  the  Cottonian  and  Pepysian  libraries. 

It  is  apparently  founded  on  the  same  occurrence  as  the  ballad  printed 
in  Percy's  Collections  under  the  title  of  The  Jew's  Daughter.  On 
the  same  incident  Chaucer  has  founded  liis  Prioress's  Tale.  The 
Percy  ballad,  like  the  one  Mr.  Punch  lias  given  above,  is  a  fragment.) 


PSTY    THE    POLICE. 


he  Horse  Guards  have,  in  the 
matter  of  accoutrement,  a 
body  of  formidable  rivals  over 
the  way.  These  are  the  autho- 
rities who  preside  over  the 
equipment  and  clothing  of  the 
Constabulary  Blues  hi  Scot- 
land Yard. 

The  boots  of  Policemen 
have  long  been  objects  remark- 
able for  their  excessive  clum- 
siness and  disproportion.  They 
are  obviously  uncomfortable ; 
that  we  see,  although  none 
but  the  wearer  can  know 
where  the  shoe  pinches.  But 
the  head  of  the  Policemen  is 
even  worse  clad  than  his  feet 
are,  though  the  demerits  of 
his  hat  are  less  conspicuous 
than  those  of  his  highlows. 

The  objectionable  pecu- 
liarities of  the  Policeman's 
hat  are  chiefly  its  extreme 
hardness  and  excessive  weight, 
which  is  greatest  at  the  crown, 
so  that  the  thing  is  not  only 
heavy,  but  top-heavy.  It  gets, 
therefore,  instantly  knocked  off  in  a  row,  and  leaves  unprotected  the 
head  which  it  was  designed  to  defend.  The  glazed  top  attracts  the 
heat  of  the  sun  when  that  luminary  presides  over  the  beat  of  the 
wearer.  Thus  rendering  him  hot-headed,  it  necessarily  hinders  his 
obedience  to  the  standing-order  of  his  corps,  which  requires  that,  "  a 
Constable  should  on  all  occasions  execute  his  duty  with  good  temper 
and  discretion." 

The  hat  of  the  Policeman  has  been  compared,  to  a  chimney-pot, 
wherefrom,  however  similar  to  it  in  shape  and  weight,  it  differs  hi  the 
important  particular  of  not  allowing  the  heat  and  exhalations  which 
ascend  into  it  to  escape.  In  want  ol  elasticity,  its  resemblance  to  that 
other  cylinder  is  perfect.  Hence  it  effectually  resists  that  expansion  of 
the  Policeman's  cranium  which  is  a  condition  requisite  to  accompany 
the  progressive  mental  development  of  an  intelligent  officer. 

By  night,  when  the  path  of  the  Policeman's  duty  is  irradiated  by  the 
silvery  moon,  or  the  refulgence  of  the  gas-lamps,  the  glimmer  reflected 
by  his  glazed  hat-cover  enables  thieves  to  recognise  him  at  a  distance, 
and  elude  the  vigilance  of  their  pursuer.  The  glazed  hat  thus  answers 
a  purpose  which  coidd  not  be  more  effectually  served  by  appending  a 
contrivance  to  the  tail  of  his  coat  bke  the  apparatus  which  Nature  has 
attached  to  that  of  the  rattlesnake. 

The  necks  of  Policemen  are  moreover  constringed  with  high  stiff 
collars  and  rigid  leather  stocks,  deserving  the  name  of  black  chokers, 
which  necessarily  cause  congestion  of  the  brain.  This  organ  of  the 
mind,  thus  overgorged  with  blood,  undergoes  a  baking  process  within 
the  head  enclosed  by  the  glazed  hat.  Such  stocks  might  serve  for  the 
punishment  of  evil-doers_,  but  should  be  banished  from  the  uniform  of 
those  whose  vocation  it  is  to  take  offenders  into  custody.  The  police 
force  is  not  too  numerous,  but  it  may  be  truly  said  to  be  overstocked.  _ 
The  stock  of  the  Policeman  is  no  light  grievance,  and  the  hat  is 
still  heavier.  The  Commissioners  of  Police  are  respectfully  solicited 
to  take  stock,  and  hat  also,  with  a  view  to  necessary  reform  hi  both 
particulars.  They  will  not,  surely,  after  this  appeal,  continue  to  expose 
themselves  to  the  too  well-merited  banter  implied  in  the  popular 
question,  "  Who 's  your  Hatter  ?  " 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[July  6,  1861. 


CRUEL ! 

Young  Swell  (hq.).  "I  say,  Thompson,  do  you  think  I  shall  ever  have  any  Whiskers?" 

Thompson  (after  careful  examination).  "Well,  Sir,  I  really  don't  think  as  you  ever  will— leastways  not  to  speak  of!" 

Young  Swell  "  That  's  rather  hard,  for  my  Pap— I  mean  Governor— has  plenty  1 " 

Thompson  (facetiously).  "  Yes,  Sir,— but  p'r'aps  you  take  after  your  MA  !  "  [Total  collapse  of  Y.  S. 


DAUGHTERS    TO    SELL. 

Song  hg  a  iLatig  of  jFasfjum. 

Daughters  to  sell !    Daughters  to  sell ! 
They  cost  more  money  than  I  can  tell ; 
Their  education  has  been  first-rate  ; 
What  wealthy  young  nobleman  wants  a  mate  ? 
They  sing  like  nightingales,  play  as  well : 
Daughters  to  sell !    Daughters" to  sell ! 

Here 's  my  fine  daughters,  my  daughters,  oh  ! 
Germain,  Italian,  and  French,'  they  know, 
Dance  like  Sylphides  for  grace  and  ease  ; 
Choose  out  your  partner,  whichever  you  please. 
Here  's  a  nice  wife  for  a  rich  young  swell : 
Daughters  to  sell !    Daughters  to  sell ! 

Beautiful  daughters,  dark  and  fair  ! 
Each  a  treasure  to  suit  a  millionnaire, 
Or  fit  to  pair  with  any  duke's  heir 
At  St.  George's  Church  by  Hanover  Square. 
Hoy  !  you  that  in  lordly  mansions  dwell, 
Daughters  to  sell !    Daughters  to  sell ! 

Buy  my  dear  daughters !    Who  wants  a  bride. 

That  can  give  her  a  carriage,  and  horses  to  ride, 

Stand  an  opera-box  for  his  fancy's  queen, 

And  no  end  of  acres  of  crinoline. 

Ever  new  furniture,  jewels,  and  plate, 

All  sorts  of  servants  upon  her  to  wait ; 

Visits  to  Paris,  Vienna,  and  Rome, 

In  short  all  that  she 's  been  brought  up  to  at  home. 

Here  are  girls  for  your  money— if  out  you  can  shell. 

My  daughters  to  sell !    My  daughters  to  sell ! 


IN  THE  NAME  OE  CONSCIENCE,   IT  IS  MOST 
WONDERFUL ! 

Here  is  the  greatest  marvel  we  have  met  with  in  print  for  a  very 
long  time  :— 

"  The  Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer  acknowledges  the  receipt  of  bank-notes 
to  the  amount  of  £S0,  on  account  of  Income-Tax  from  '  Two  Lawyers.'  " 

We  have  always  been  told  what  an  insurmountable  difficulty  it  was 
to  get  any  money  out  of  a  Lawyer,  but  here  is  not  only  one,  but  actually 
two  Lawyers,  voluntarily  (and  that  constitutes  the  greatest  part  of  the 
wonder!)  parting  with  money!  Of  course,  it  wasn't  their  own.  The 
fact,  however  is  so  far  pleasing  (if  anything  can  be  pleasing  iu  con- 
nection with  the  law  or  lawyers),  as  it  now  satisfactorily  settles  beyond 
all  cavil,  the  long-disputed  point  of  "  Whether  a  lawyer  has  a  conscience 
or  not  ?  "  We  are  only  afraid  that  these  "  Two  Lawyers  "  (who  have 
only  just  escaped  immortality,  the  rogues,  by  not  publishing  their 
names)  must  have  been  terribly  uneasy  in  then-  consciences  to  have 
parted  with  so  large  a  sum  of  money  as  £80 !  They  must  have  had 
many  sleepless  nights  before  they  came  to  the  resolution  of  parting 
witli  it !     What  hideous  crime,  or  crimes,  have  they  jointly  committed? 


Cockney  Conundrum. 

What's  the  difference  between  the  late  Sultan,  Abdul  Medjid, 
and  his  successor  ? 

Abdul  Medjid  is  Abdul  as  was,  but  the  present  Sultan  is  Abdul 
Aziz.  

T  OST  ON  THE  STOCK  EXCHANGE,  £10,000.—  Whoever  will 
J-J  bring  only  one-tenth  of  it  to  the  loser,  is  perfectly  welcome  to  keep  the 
remainder.  Apply  to  C.  D.,  Whitecross  Street,  at  any  time  most  convenient  to  the 
finder. — N.B.  No  further  reward  will  be  offered. 


o 
d 

CO 

W 

8 

H 

<— i 
Sz{ 

fed 
fed 

B 


O 

H 
W 

B 

to 

I 

{J> 

SZJ 

U 

o 
d 


o 

Is 

IB 


^8    5_h 

of  O 

3g  izj 

S3       • 
{*- 

H 

CO 

& 

I 

fed 
I 

!> 
fei 
O 


o 

iz! 

H 

O 
> 

fed 
i 

G 

Hd 

O 
d 

CO 

w 
> 
fc-« 
t-l 


d 
tei 

o 
o 

d 
O 

o 
o 

Q 

w 

!> 

i— i 
<3 
t> 


co 


July  6,  1861.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


GRAY'S    ELEGY. 

{Written  in  the  Rooms  of  the  Geographical  Society,  in,  the  presence  of 
Du  Chaillu's  Collections.) 

Westminster  Clock  proclaims  the  close  of  day ; 

The  Secretary 's  gone  to  get  his  tea ; 
The  visitors  drop,  one  by  one,  away, 

And  leave  the  place  to  silence  and  to  me. 

What  specimens  are  these  that  meet  my  sight — 
What 's  this  collection  the  apartment  holds  ? 

These  rude  cartoons,  where  passing  human  height, 
The  huge  Gorilla  his  long  arm  unfolds  ? 

Upon  these  walls  thus  vauntingly  displayed, 
Why  should  those  ill-stuffed  skins  their  places  keep? 

Shall  shallow  Chaillu  our  domain  invade, 
And  into  fame  as  a  discoverer  leap  ! 

Shall  these  Gorilla  tales  that  move  my  scorn, 
On  Murray's  page  by  thousands  thus  be  read? 

And  Zoologic  bays  by  him  be  worn 
That  ought,  by  rights,  to  grace  another  head  ? 

For  him  no  cash  shall  new  editions  earn, 
Deck'd  with  engravings  cribbed  from  St.  Hilaire  : 

No  more  shall  London  Lion-hunters  burn 
With  this  Munchausen  their  repasts  to  share. 

His  borrowed  plumes  I  '11  make  this  jackdaw  yield, 

Against  his  credit  deal  a  sturdy  stroke — 
Drive  his  o'er-done  Gorilla  from  the  field, 

Puff  out  his  puffs,  and  end  his  tale  in  smoke. 

What  though  an  Owen  set  store  by  his  toil, 

His  credit  though  a  Mukchison  assure? 
His  specimens  I  '11  view  with  scornful  smile, 

Pronounce  them  known,— nor  only  known,  but  poor. 

Cannibal  Pans  in  public  faith  I  '11  lower, 
Who  can  believe  in  Ghouls  that  rob  the  grave  ? 

I'll  make  hirn  prove  where  he  spent  every  hour — 
Nor  yet  believe  him — though  the  proof  he  gave. 

I  '11  make  a  mountain  of  each  molehill  fault, 

And  o'er  it  scientific  outcry  raise  : 
Visit  his  slips  with  merciless  assault, 

And  damn  his  merits  with  the  faintest  praise. 

Believe  who  will  Gorillas  beat  their  bust, 
Till  three  miles  off  you  hear  the  pent-up  breath : 

That  Tschiego-mbouves  in  leaf-shelters  tlmist 
Theh  heads  (by  Wolfe  drawn,  not  from  life,  but  death.) 

I  can't  deny  that  the  Gorilla 's  made 

Too  like  a  man  complacence  to  inspire ; 
Although,  his  cerebellum  brain-o'erlaid, 
Than  highest  Ape,  makes  lowest  Nigger  higher. 

But  the  Gorilla  has  been  known  this  age 

By  specimens  on  each  Museum  roll : 
Men  have  kept  young  Gorillas  in  a  cage. 

And  found  them  docile  creatures  on  the  wholeT 

Pull  many  a  Tschiego-mbouve  here  has  been 
(Though  doomed  CMmpanzee's  common  name  to  bear,) 

And  Kooloo-Kambas  here  in  numbers  seen, 
Have  made  the  Zoologic  Gardens  stare. 

With  Nyare,  that  for  bush-cow  confest 

Tame  as  an  Alderney  or  Ayrshire  stood : 
Potariiochcerv.s  albifrons,  at  rest 

In  Regent's  Park,  with  tusks  untaint  of  blood. 

Int'rest  of  reading  thousands  to  command 
Prom  fields  of  fact  to  fancy's  realm  to  rise, 

To  rank  as  wonders  of  an  unknown  land, 
And  blaze  transfigured  in  Du  Chaillu's  eyes, 

Theh  lot  forbade,— nor  circumscribed  alone 
Theh  reputation,  but  their  limbs  confined : 

In  Regent's  Park  as  common  creatures  known, 
And  seen  by  all,  to  pay  a  bob  inclined. 

Across  Du  Chaillu's  equatorial  life, 

Poor  brutes,  they  have  not  had  the  luck  to  stray, 

But  pent  in  cages  led  a  dreary  life 
Where  Sunday  loungers  flirt  the  hours  away. 


Por  me,  who  up  to  all  things,  live  or  dead, 
Against  Du  Chaillu  my  objections  state ; 

Should  you  inquire— tow'rds  the  Museum  led— 
Wherefore  my  indignation  is  so  great, 

Haply  some  kmd  zoologist  may  say, 

"  Oft  have  we  known  Old  Gray  his  angry  horn 
Level  at  aught  that  came  across  his  way, 

When  roused  to  sudden  spite,  or  spleen,  or  scorn. 

"  Running  a  muckat  all  within  his  reach, 
The  victims  of  his  wrath  he'd  toss  sky-high ; 

And  take  uncommon  liberties  of  speech, 
Por  which  he  would  be  sorry  by-and-by. 

"  Large  was  his  knowledge,  and  his  soul  sincere, 
But  he  had  faults  of  temper  to  amend ; 

His  logic,  often,  the  reverse  of  clear, 
His  language,  often,  likely  to  offend. 

"No  further  seek  the  quarrel  to  disclose, 
Which  'gainst  Du  Chaillu  bade  him  raise  his  rods, 

In  fight  when  Owen,  Gray,  and  Huxley  close, 
'Twixt  right  or  wrong  who  shall  declare  the  odds  ? " 


AN  ABSURDITY  IN  THE  LAW. 
One  of  the  Magistrates  of  Marlborough  Street  tells  us  that — 

"  A  Dog  might  bite  any  person  once  or  twice  without  there  being  any  remedy 
against  the  owner." 

In  cases  of  hydrophobia,  we  should  think  that  being  bitten  once  would 
be  more  than  sufficient,  and  we  doubt  if  even  then  the  poor  unfortunate 
calf,  so  lacerated,  would  have  much  of  a  remedy  against  the  owner. 
Mr.  Tyrwhitt  calls  it  an  absurdity  in  the  law,  and — 

"  He  couldn't  tell  how  it  had  its  rise,  but  certain  it  is  that,  through  some  pedantic 
rules,  it  is  necessary  to  show  that  the  dog  in  such  a  case  was  of  known  ferocious 
habits." 

Such  law  we  call  only  worthy  of  Dogberry.  A  man  is  answerable 
for  any  damage  done  by  his  servant,  by  Ms  horse,  or  his  pig,  or  (to 
speak  like  an  Irishman)  any  other  member  of  his  family ;  and  why  not 
then  for  his  dog?  Does  this  legal  indulgence  extend  to  all  dogs? 
How  woidd  it  affect  the  Dog  Tear'em  ?  Might  he  bite  any  one  once 
or  twice  without  there  being  any  remedy  against  the  constituency  that 
owns  him,  or  would  he  be  excluded  from  that  canine  privilege,  inas- 
much as  it  would  be  easy  to  show  that  he  was  a  dog  of  "known 
ferocious  habits."  In  the  meantime,  it  is  very  comfortable  to  know, 
especially  as  the  dog-days  are  fast  approaching,  that  any  dog  might 
bite  you,  or  your  child  (and  the  naked  chubby  legs  of  children  must  be 
very  tempting  to  many  a  hungry  dog),  and  you  would  not  have  a  leg  to 
stand  upon  in  court,  unless  you  could  duly  show  that  there  was  a  big 
dental  incision  in  each  of  them.  Perhaps  your  best  chance  of  relief 
would  be  to  appeal  to  the  "  Society  for  the  Protection  against  Cruelty 
to  Animals."  Your  claim  would,  of  course,  be  under  the  head  of 
"Calves." 


At  It  Again,  you  See ! 


The  Wiscount  is  ever  apt  at  an  absurdity.  A  friend  of  his  the 
other  day  was  talking  of  America,  and  saying  that  to  set  the  slaves  all 
free  without  injuring  their  owners  would  be  almost  an  act  of  magic. 
"Magic !  "  chirped  the  Wiscount.  "  Well,  I  don't  see  that  exactly. 
But  it  might  certainly  be  called  an  act  of  negro-mancy !  " 


polite  letters  in  the  police  force. 
Commissioner  Mayne  is  about  to  publish  his  Memoirs.  He  has 
appropriately  taken  up  the  well-known  French  title,  "  Les  Chromques 
de  VCEil-de-Bceufs"  modifying  it  with  no  small  brilliancy,  which 
reflects  the  greatest  credit  on  his  hairier es  as  a  literary  character,  into 
"  The  Revelations  oe  a  Policeman's  Bull's-Eye." 


Church-Bate. 

There  is  one  Church-Rate  we  should  like  to  see  abolished,  and 
that  is  the  shilling  one  is  compelled  to  give  to  the  Pew-opener  on  the 
Sunday  before  you  are  favoured  with  a  seat.  When  we  think  of  the 
many  rates  we  have  paid  in  this  way,  our  virtuous  indignation  against 
the  system,  and  our  horror  of  the  extortion,  are  such  that  we  canno 
help  exclaiming,  "Proh  Pew-door/" 


Infallible  Recipe  for  Hot  Weather.- 
to  prevent  meat  turning  ?    Eat  it  straight  off. 


-What  is  the  best  way 


!  s 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[July  6,  1861. 


A    SUGGESTION. 

How  to  make  tlic  Crystal  Palace  Concerts  pay. — Hint  to  the  Directors:  Verbum  sap.    (N.B.  The  Conductor  is  higher  up,  on  a  Flying  Trapeze.) 


OUR  DRAMATIC  CORRESPONDENT. 

"  Mr.  Punch, 

" '  Have  you  heard  Patti  ? '  '  Wliat  do  you  think  of  Patti  ?' 
These  two  questions  one  is  asked  at  every  party  that  one  goes  to ; 
and  as  operatic  ignorance  is  not  always  bliss,  I  am  glad  I  now  can 
answer  the  first  in  the  affirmative.  When  I  hear  the  second  query, 
I  am  rather  cautious  in  wording  my  reply,  and  am  apt  to  sound  my 
hearers  and  ascertain  their  bias  somewhat,  lest  they  misunderstand  me. 
In  speaking  of  a  young  debutante  like  Adelina  Patti,  one  cannot  be 
too  careful  in  expressing  what  one  thinks  of  her.  If  language  was 
invented  to  conceal  one's  real  thoughts,  in  no  way  is  this  notion  more 
easy  to  be  acted  on  than  in  venting  an  opinion  on  some  musical  moot 
point.  One  may  speak  hi  general  terms  such  as  convey  no  special 
meaning,  and  may  murmur  forth  mild  adjectives  like  '  charming,'  and 
'  delightful,'  which,  now  that  critics  have,  recourse  to  such  superlative 
laudation,  may  be  accepted  as  amounting;  to  faint  damnatory  praise. 
Or  if  one  wishes  more  completely  to  mystify  the  questioner  and  keep 
secret  what  one  thinks,  it  is  easy  to  resort  to  musical  slangology,  and 
talk  scientific  nonsense  about '  quality  of  tone,'  and  '  breadth  of  vocal 
colouring,'  terms  which  none  but  connoisseurs  affect  to  comprehend. 

"  After  but  one  hearing  who  can  form  a  fan-  opinion  of  a  singer  ?  and 
who  will  blame  me  if  I  hesitate  in  telling  what  I  think  ?  Enough  to 
say  that  I  was  pleased,  though  perhaps  not  quite  so  much  so  as  the 
newspapers  in  general  had  led  me  to  expect.  That  a  mere  girl  of 
eighteen  at  once  should  take  first  rank  among  Italian  prima  donnas, 
and  be  regarded  as  the  equal  of  Lind,  Malibran,  and  Geisi,  was  a 
tale  that  might  find  credence  t'  other  side  of  the  Atlantic,  but  which 
would  meet  with  few  believers  in  our  cooler-blooded  clime.  Yet  our 
critics  followed  suit  in  singing  almost  unmixed  praises  ;  and  some  of 
them  have  poured  forth  such  exuberance  of  eulogy  as  makes  one  fear 
they  are  leaf-taking  from  the  Transatlantic  press.  No  one  who  has 
heard  her,  and  who  has  not  Bottom's  ears,  can  dispute  that  Ma'amselle 
Patti  is  a  wonderfully  clever  and  highly  accomplished  singer — con- 
sidering her  age  :  indeed,  with  this  consideration,  if  one  said  too  highly 
accomplished,  it  would  not  be  far  from  truth.  Over-cultivation  may  be 
fatal  to  young  voices,  just  as  over-training  is  destructive  to  a  horse ; 


and  though  I  would  not  say  that  Patti  has  been  over-taught,  I  think 
her  voice  shows  traces  of  having  been  too  early  somewhat  over-worked, 
Clear  and  sweet  it  is,  and  may  grow  more  full  and  strong :  a  girl  of 
eighteen  scarcely  has  come  to  her  full  strength.  _  But  it  lacks  that 
thrilling  sympathy  and  tenderness  of  tone  which  is  a  gift  of  nature 
rather  than  of  art,  and  I  almost  doubt  if  a  too  early  education  may  not 
be  destructive  of  this  nature-gift.  The  joyous  cry  of  Malibean  when 
waking  in  the  last  act  in  Sonnambula  was  certainly  not  singing,  but  it 
was  something  better;  and  however  excellent  Patti's  style  may  be 
(and  I  give  her  special  praise  for  discarding  the  vibrato,  which  is  now 
so  fashionable,  and  I  think  so  foolish),  I  would  willingly  lose  hearing  of 
her  most  finished  phrases  to  catch  but  oue  of  those  outbursting  nature- 
notes  of  Jenny  Lind,  that  stirred  one's  soul  within  one,  and,  not 
pleasing  the  ear  merely,  went  straight  to  the  heart. 

"  Foreigners  are  fond  of  saying  that  we  English  have  no  taste  for 
music,  and  the  truth  of  this  remark  is  most  abundantly  made  manifest 
by  the  fact  that  all  this  season  the  Times  has  daily  had  two  columns  of 
musical  announcements,  and  the  Opera  lias  been  open  four  or  five  nights 
every  week.  Even  this,  it  seems,  has  failed  to  satisfy  our  wants,  and 
the  Lyceum  has  been  furnished  with  an  operatic  company  to  catch  the 
overflowings  from  the  house  that  Gye  built.  Whatever  be  its  faults, 
the  rival  management  is  quick  in  the  performance  of  its  promises  ;  and 
taking  into  thought  the  scratch  way  in  which  it  started,  I  think  it 
should  be  posted  as  the  winner  of  some  praise.  I  saw  Martha  t'other 
evening  very  creditably  played.  Titiens  and  Giuglini  were  both  in 
glorious  voice,  and  have  rarely  pleased  me  more  than  in  this  English, 
Irish,  Polish,  and  Italian  opera,  as  it  may,  I  think,  be  not  unfairly  called, 
for  the  scene  is  laid  near  London,  the  chief  air  came  from  Ireland,  the 
words  are  all  Italian,  and  the  composer  was  a  Pole. 

"  Reflecting  upon  things  in  general,  the  philosopher  remarked, 
'There's  nothin'  new,  and  there's  nothin'  true,  aud  what  there  is  don't 
signify.'  Now  these  wise  words  might  now  find  echo  in  our  theatres, 
for  except  that  the  Lyceum  has  been  turned  into  an  Opera-house,  and 
that  a  fairish  squad  of  Frenchmen  may  be  seen  at  the  St.  James's, 
notliing  new  of  consequence  has  since  my  last  been  visible.  Without 
the  aid  of  splendid  scenery  and  gorgeous  gettings  up,  Mr.  Eechter 
still  succeeds  in  filling  the  Princess's  as  fully  as  was  done  by  his  great 


July  6,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


tra°ic  predecessor,  who  upheld  the  British  Drama  by  the  force  of  the 
upholder  and  with  Shakspeare,  plus  swell  scenery,  improved  the 
British  mind.  At  the  Haymarket  the  Overland  Route  has  been  revived, 
with  all  its  fun  and  merriment,  and,  I  must  add,  all  its  faults,  there  s 
such  exuberance  of  drollery  in  the  Overland  Route  that  all  meretricious 
ways  of  wmning  half  a  moment's  laugh  might  surely  well  be  spared 
in  it  •  and  I  think  it  is  in  some  degree  the  duty  of  a  manager  to  prevent 
the  British  drama  from  being  found  offensive  to  the  most  fastidious 

"  One  who  Pays." 


EATABLE    BOUQUETS. 

c  customed  as  we  are 
«'    , ■       '„/  if       to  startling  revela- 

«n&  ,1   I      \i  it        tions,    with    which 

the  penny  papers 
are  continually  pro- 
viding us,  we  own 
we  felt  a  tingle  of 
surprise  the  other 
morning  at  reading 
that  a  process  had 
in  France  been  lately 
patented,  whereby 
flowers  were  made 
edible,  and  bouquets 
were  made  bonbons 
most  exquisite  to 
taste.  How  the  ma- 
gic is  achieved  we 
nave  not  yet  been 
informed,  and  we 
don't  pretend  to 
guess  ;  but  that 
nosegays  should  be 
eaten  is  such  a  novel 
notion,  that  we  in- 
tend to  lose  no  chance  _  of  catching  by  the  button  some  scientific 
friend,  and  extracting,  if  we  can,  a  description  of  the  process.  At 
present,  cardiflowers  are  the  only  sort  of  flowers  that  we  have  ever 
eaten,  and  although  we  have  in  eastern  writings  read  of  feasts  of  roses, 
we  have  never  met  a  traveller  who  has  actually  partaken  of  them.  We 
should  almost  as  soon  have  thought  of  having  a  feast  of  tea-leaves  as 
of  sitting  down  to  breakfast,  lunch,  or  dine  off  roses  ;  and  as  for  eating 
a  whole  nosegay,  as  it  seems  may  now  be  done,  we  should  about  as 
much  have  dreamt  of  supping  off  boiled  bandboxes,  or  of  having  pickled 
goosequills  or  stewed  spectacles  for  lunch. 

We  are  of  course  accustomed  to  see  flowers  on  the  dinner-table,  but 
we  have  never  yet  regarded  them  as  part  of  the  repast.  Now  in 
future  we  shall  fancy  they  are  put  there  to  be  eaten ;  and  we  shall  ask, 
if  we  so  dioose,_  for  a  small  helping  of  peony,  just  as  we  might  do  for 
half  a  slice  of  pine.  Crocusses  and  cream  will  take  the  place  of  straw- 
berries, and  one's  mouth  will  very  likely  water  for  geraniums  as  it  now 
sometimes  does  for  grapes.  Now  that  flowers  are  found  edible,  there's 
no  telling  what  queer  floral  dishes  one  may  dine  off,  queerer  even  than 
the  entrees  of  chopped  tea-leaves  and  salt  cucumbers,  which  are  among 
the  dainties  of  a  dinner  a  la  Russe.  A  plat  of  grassplat  served  au 
naturel,  may  take  the  place  of  salad  ;  and  for  something  hot  and 
stinging,  as  a  tickler  to  the  palate,  a  dish  of  devilled  nettles  may  be 
cooked  in  lieu  of  curry,  after  which  one  will  luxuriate  in  dandelion  ice. 
If  flowers  have  as  sweet  a  taste  as  they  have  smell,  how  gourmands 
will  delight  when  violets  come  in,  and  wait  with  growing  gusto  for  the 
early  cabbage  roses !  Hashed  calf's  head  in  future  will  give  place  to 
mashed  marigolds;  and  aldermen  who  now  are  satisfied  with  turtle, 
will  be  heard  singing  the  praises  of  good  sunflower  soup.  A  haunch  of 
venison  will  be  followed  by  a  bunch  of  fresh  verbenas  ;  dahlia  dinners 
down  at  Richmond  will  supplant  the  Greenwich  whitebait,  and  cold 
cactuses  for  supper  will  quite  suppersede  hot  tripe. 

The  only  thing  we  fear  is  if  young  ladies  take  to  carrying  eatable 
bouquets,  there  will  be  an  end  to  all  the  sentimental  feelings  with  which 
a  fond  adorer  begs  a  flower  from  his  fair  one,  that  he  may  put  it  in  his 
button-hole  or  press  it  to  his  heart.  Instead  of  doing  this  he  would,  if 
it  were  edible,  be  very  much  more  likely  to  put  it  to  his  mouth  ;  and 
after  having  vowed  that  he  would  treasure  it  for  ever,  he  would  scarcely 
be  a  moment  hi  gobbling  it  all  up.  Moreover  too  the  language  of 
flowers  will  no  longer  be  suitable  for  purposes  of  sentiment ;  for,  now 
that  nosegays  may  be  eaten,  a  lovesick  swain  will  shrink  from  so 
declaring  his  fond  feelings,  lest  his  gift  should  be  returned  to  him,  and 
he  be  reduced  to  eating  his  own  words.  And  just  imagine  the  despair 
of  a  sentimental  youth,  who,  after  having  carefully  composed  a  decla- 
ration in  the  form  of  a  bouquet,  should  find  his  Angelina  munching 
his  fond  phrases,  just  as  coolly  as  she  would  a  bit  of  bread  and  butter, 
or  a  mouthful  of  dry  toast ! 


FRENCH  DIPLOMACY  IN  PLAIN  ENGLISH. 

M.  Thouvenel  has  addressed  to  the  Spanish  and  Austrian  Ambas- 
sadors a  despatch  in  reply  to  their  invitation  requesting  France  to 
co-operate  with  their  respective  Governments  in  upholding  the  tem- 
poral power  of  the  Pope.  From  the  general  style  of  this  document, 
and  particularly  from  the  subjoined  piece  of  it,  we  conclude  that  its 
presentation  to  then  Ultramontane  Excellencies  was  accompanied  by  a 
polite  intimation  to  the  effect  that  they  might  put  that  in  their  pipes 
and  smoke  it : — 

"  The  gravest  dangers  which  now  menace  the  temporal  sovereignty  of  the  Holy 
See  proceed,  it  is  true,  from  without,  and  if  the  occupation  of  Rome  provides  for 
the  necessities  of  the  present,  the  future  remains  exposed  to  hazards  which  we 
sincerely  wish  to  avert." 

This  is  just  a  diplomatic  way  of  saying: — "Now  mind,  you  two 
blockheads,  the  immediate  danger  which  the  sovereignty  of  the  Pope 
over  the  City  of  Rome  stands  in  just  at  this  moment,  is  no  doubt  that 
of  annexation  to  the  Kingdom  of  Italy,  by  the  Government  of  Victor- 
Emmanuel.  For  the  present,  perhaps,  France  may  manage  to  sustain 
the  Papal  chair  on  the  points  of  her  bayonets.  That  is  all  very  well 
for  the  time  being,  but  this  state  of  things  won't  last,  and  what  you 
have  to  fear  by-and-by  is,  the  dissolution  of  the  Papal  monarchy  from 
internal  causes.  The  probability  is,  that  the  temporal  subjects  of  his 
Holiness,  tired  of  the  coercion  to  which  they  are  subjected  for  the  sup- 
posed interests  of  religion,  will  at  length  begin  to  listen  to  the  argu- 
ments of  those  who  maintain  that  his  claims  to  infallibility,  and  the 
vicariate  of  Christendom,  are  all  bosh.  The  conviction  that  the 
Pope's  spiritual  supremacy  is  a  humbug,  growing  in  Italy,  could  only 
co-exist  with  submission  to  his  temporal  rule,  under  a  pressure  which 
France  would  find  it  daily  more  difficult  to  exert.  In  short,  the  whole 
papacy  would  ultimately  blow  up ;  and  this  is  the  catastrophe  which 
we  want  to  avert  if  we  can,  though  we  are  afraid  it  must  happen  sooner 
or  later.  Let  your  master  and  your  mistress  know  what  we  say,  and 
tell  them  to  be  quiet,  and  not  allow  their  bigotry  to  induce  them  to  act 
like  fools." 


NOT  EXACTLY  ROSEWATER. 

A  Correspondent  of  the  Times  gives  the  following  directions  for 
deodorising  that  substance,  which  is  the  principal  component  of  hot- 
beds : — 

"  If  those  who  have  stable  manure  will  take  4  oz.  of  sulphuric  acid  and  two 
gallons  of  water,  and  mix  them  in  a  garden  watering-can,  with  the  rose  on,  then 
sprinkle  the  contents  over  the  manure  every  evening  (supposing  it  to  be  a  cartload) 
it  will  counteract  the  unpleasant  smell." 

The  writer  then  goes  on  to  explain  that  the  graveolence  of  the  fer- 
tilising compound  is  destroyed  by  the  sulphuric  acid  in  fixing  the 
ammonia  which  that  compound  contains.  Beginners  in  gardening 
should  understand  that  the  deodorising  process  is  effected  solely  by  the 
sulphuric  acid,  otherwise  they  may  form  a  misconception  on  that  point 
from  being  informed  that  the  materials  to  be  made  pleasant  are  to  be 
sprinkled  with  the  contents  of  a  watering-can  which  has  the  rose  on. 


The   Way  to  Win  Eins. 

A  Fast  Girl  fails  to  catch  a  lord  and  master, 
Because  some  other  girls  are  rather  faster. 
And  ev'n  a  fast  man  fears  to  take  a  wife, 
If  fast,  who  '11  be  bound  fast  to  him  for  life. 


APPEAL  EXTRAORDINARY. 

India  now  and  then  gives  the  highest  tribunal  of  the  British  Empire 
some  strange  work  to  do.    The  other  day,  for  instance  .— 

"  The  Judicial  Committee  of  Privy  Council  sat  on  Saturday.  An  Appeal  from 
Bengal,  '  Lamb  and  Wise  v.  Bejoy  Kishem  Dogs,'  was  heard." 

What  can  have  been  the  matter  in  dispute  between  Lamb  and  Dogs  ? 
The  bone  of  contention  was  perhaps  one  which  Dogs  had  appropriated, 
but  it  can  hardly  be  conceived  to  have  belonged  to  Lamb,  though  a 
mutton-bone  might  have  been  the  bone  of  one  of  Lamb's  ancestors, 
and  the  property  of  Wise.  An  illustrated  paper  the  other  day  pub- 
lished a  portrait  of  a  little  dog  named  "  Looty  "  found  in  the  Summer 
Palace  at  Pekin.  Looty  is  a  nice  Indian  name  for  a  dog ;  but  let  us 
hope  that  it  is  one  not  applicable  to  the  Dogs  Bejoy  and  Kishem. 


HPO  NATIONS  EMBAKEASSED  IN  DIFFICULTIES.  — As  the 
Jf  French  are  about  to  vacate  Syria,  the  Emperor  Napoleon  would  feel  obliged  to 
any  Kingdom,  whose  affairs  are  temporarily  embarrassed,  and  stand  in  need  ofa 
satisfactory  settlement,  to  apply  to  him  immediately,  without  reserve,  as  he  is 
extremely  anxious  to  give  his  army  some  fresh  occupation. 


10 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[July  G,  1801.     \ 


A    SERIOUS    DRAWBACK. 

Hideous  Old  Lady  of  Fashion  (vrith  Plain  DavjjJitcr).  "Charming  Ball   at   Sir   Charles's   last   night!     Everybody  there — Good 
Rooms,  not  overcrowded — Capital  Supper  !     Dearest  Barbara  enjoyed  herself  prodigiously  !     I  don't  see,  however,  how  I  can 

WELL   AVOID   ASKING    IlIS   SlSTER     AND     NlECE     TO    My    BaLL,     NEXT    WEEK,   HE   IS    SO   FOND    OF    THEM  ;   AND   YET    YOU    KNOW   THAT   THEY   ARE 
PEOPLE   WHO   DO   NOT    GO   OUT   NEARLY    AS    MUCH    AS    WE   DO,    AND   ARE   NOT   AT   ALL   IN    OUR   POSITION   IN   SOCIETY  !  " 


TRIP  OF  ELECTRIC  TELEGRAPH. 

The  flash  of  electricity  that  courses  along  the  telegraphic  wire  occa- 
sionally makes  a  shocking  mistake.  There  are  reasons  for  trusting 
that  a  grave  blunder  is  involved  in  the  subjoined  telegrams  despatched, 
the  other  day,  from  the  Eternal  City  : — 

"  No  improvement  has  taken  place  in  the  health  of  the  Pope. 

"  Reactionary  agents  have  been  sent  to  Umbria  and  the  Marches." 

If  the  former  of  the  two  announcements  above  quoted  stood  alone,  it 
would  afford  too  much  reason  to  apprehend  that  his  Holiness  the  Pofe 
was  seriously  ill.  But  it  assumes  the  character  of  a  mistatement  when 
taken  in  connection  with  the  latter.  Put  this  and  that  together,  and 
you  will  then  see  good  cause  for  supposing  that  to  be  a  blunder.  The 
information  that  reactionary  agents  have  been  sent  to  Umbria  and  the 
Marches  is  rather  inconsistent  than  otherwise  with  the  news  of  the 
implied  illness  of  the  Pope  ;  for,  if  it  is  true,  there  is  fair  ground  for 
hoping  that  the  Sovereign  Pontiff  is  at  least  well  enough  to  attend  to 
business.  _  At  the  same  time,  the  mission  of  reactionary  agents  to 
foment  disturbance  in  the  newly-constituted  Kingdom  of  Italy,  is,  on 
the  other  hand,  a  fact  which  not  only  agrees  with,  but  confirms,  the 
telegram  relative  to  Pio  Nono,  corrected  in  accordance  with  reasonable 
conjecture.  "  No  improvement  has  taken  place  in  the  ideas  of  the 
Pope."  Such,_  no  doubt,  is  what  the  message  would  have  been  if 
rightly  transmitted.  Let  us,  therefore,  rejoice  in  concluding  that  his 
Holiness  is  bodily  in  good  case,  and,  barring  infatuation  and  obstinacy, 
has  nothing  the  matter  with  him,  but  is  all  alive  and  kicking. 


"  A   SOUND   CONSCIENCE   PRODUCES   SOUND   SLEEP."— 31.  F.  Flipper. 

We  are  told  that,  "as  a  man  makes  Ids  bed,  so  he  must  lie  in  it." 
It  is  so  with  a  bankrupt ;  for  we  find  that,  when  his  balance-sheet  is 
not  drawn  up  all  straight,  there  is  generally  awful  lying  in  it. 


HORSE  VEAL. 

In  the  subjoined  passage  touching  a  certain  one  out  of  a  number  of 
young  racehorses,  that  amusing  and  instructive  sporting  writer, 
"  Argus,"  has  probably  afforded  some  cause  of  misunderstanding  to 
France  : — 

"  But  Brother  to  SummersiAe,  by  West  Australian  out  of  Ellington,  is  the  gem  of 
the  lot,  and  without  exception  the  very  finest  yearling  I  ever  beheld  in  my  life,  and 
will  make  many  a  poor  man's  mouth  water." 

A  little  further  on  our  author  tells  us  that  the  Palmyra  colt  "  will 
make  as  nice  an  animal  as  a  man  would  like  to  look  at."  We,  of 
course,  understand  what  is  meant  by  a  horse  that  will  make  a  poor 
man's  mouth  water,  and  by  one  that  is  as  nice  an  animal  as  a  man 
woidd  -wish  to  look  at.  But  how  will  M.  de  St.  Hilaire  and  the 
Societe  Hippophagique  of  Paris  construe  such  language  in  application 
to  horseflesh  ?  Surely  they  will  conclude  it_  to  imply  that  we  are 
accustomed  to  look  at  horses  with  eyes  like  their  own,  with  eyes  such 
as  those  which,  at  the  Eat  Cattle  Show,  carnivorous  citizens  may  be 
observed  contemplating  the  prize  oxen .  Perhaps  the  Parisian  Dogsmeat 
Association  will  be  induced,  by  the  information  above  quoted,  to  send 
an  agent  over  here  with  a  commission  to  purchase  the  animals  which, 
to  their  apprehension,  it  will  have  represented  in  a  savoury  character. 
The  Society  of  Horseaters  will  doubtless  be  willing  to  pay  the  price 
that  may  be  demanded  for  the  colts  which  they  would  want  to  convert 
into  equine  veal,  if  they  can  possibly  afford  it,  which  is  not  certain ;  for 
although  they  may  have  more  money  than  brains,  it  does  not  therefore 
follow  that  they  are  very  rich. 


"  All  Alive,  Oh  !  " — Friendship,  it  must  be  confessed,  is  of  a  far 
more  cannibalistic  turn  than  Enmity.  Men  are  merely  bitten  by  their 
enemies,  but  they  are  eaten  up  by  their  friends. 


Printed  by  William  Bradbury,  of  No.  13,  Upper  Woburn  Place,  and  Frederick  Mullett  Evans,  of  No.  19,  Queen's  Road  West,  Regent's  Park,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Pancras,  in  the  County  of  Middlesex, 
Printers,  at  their  Office  in  Lombard  Street,  in  the  Precinct  of  Vi'liitefuars,  in  the  City  of  London,  and  Published  bv  them  at  No.  85,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  City  of  London.— 

Satubeav,, Tuly  n,18dl. 


THE     RE-ISSUE     OF     PUNCH. 

Now  Ready,   Vol.  V.  in  Boards,  Price  5s.,  and  the   Volume  for  1843,  Price  10s.  6d.,  handsomely 

bound  in  Cloth. 


CHARLES  KNIGHT'S 

POPULAR   HISTORY   OF   ENGLAND. 

Part  55,  Price  2s.  6d.,  COMPLETING  THE  SEVENTH  VOLUME, 

Is  Now  Ready. 

Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


A  LITTLE  TOUR  IN  IRELAND ;  Being  a  Visit  to  Dublin, 

**  Galway,  Comiemara,  Athlone,  Limerick,  Killarney,  Glengariff,  Cork,  <feo.  By  an 
OXONIAN.  With  a  Coloured  Frontispiece,  and  numerous  Illustrations  on  Wood 
by  JOHN  LEECH,  Price  10s.  6d. 

THE  FOREIGN  TOUR  OF  MESSRS.  BROWN,  JONES,  AND 

*       ROBINSON.     What  they  Saw  and  Did  in  Belgium,  Germany,  Switzerland,  and 
Italy.    By  RICHARD  DOYLE.     A  handsome  4 to  Volume,  Cloth  extra,  Price  21s. 
Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI,  July  13,  1861. 


NOW  BEADY. 

HENRY  IV.   AND    MARIE 

iDL  DB  MEDICI.    By  Miss  Freer.    2  v. 

A  SAUNTER  THROUGH  THE 

WEST  END.    By  Leigh  Hunt.    1  v.    lUs.oii. 

NOTHING  NEW.  ,  BY   THE 

Author  of  "  John  Halifax  Gentleman,      illus- 
trated by  J.  E.  Mn.LA.13,  A.E.A.    5s.  bound. 
THE  NEW  NOVELS. 

UNDER    THE    SPELL.     BY 

the  Author  of  "Grandmother's  Money,    &c.  i  v. 
"  The  best  story  hitherto  written  by  a  very 
pleasant  novelist."— Examiner. 

HOMELESS :    OR,  A  POET'S 

INNER  LIFE.    By  M.  Goldschmidt.    3v. 

PAUL     FOSTER'S     BATCH- 

TEK.    By  Button  Cook.    3  v. 

A   FAMILY   HISTORY.  q  BY 

the  Authot  of  "  The  Queen's  Pardon.      3  vols. 
Huust  &  Blackett,  Puhhshers. 


NEW  WORK  BY  CUTHBERT  BEDE. 
Just  Published,  in  2  vols.  Post  Svo,  with  3  Maps, 
8    Chromolithographs,  and   numerous  Woodcuts 
from  Drawings  by  the  Author,  price  25s. 

^LENCREGGAN;    OR,    A 

'&    HIGHLAND   HOME   IN  CANTIRE. 

By  CUTHBEET  BEDE. 

London :  Longman,  Green,  &  Co. 

THE  BEL GR AVIAN 
LAMENT  !  Why  don't  tbe  Men  pro- 
pose? Read  "Young  Ladyism,"  Is.,  and  "The 
Intellectual  Severance  of  Men  and  Women,"  Is.  Orf. 
By  J.  M.  Allan. 

Newuy,  30,  Welbcck  Street. 

Trice  One  Shilling,  by  Post  13  Stamps. 

ETIQUETTE  FOR  ALL,   OR 
RULES  OF  CONDUCT  FOR  EVERY 
CIRCUMSTANCE. 

George  Watson,  Glasgow;  W.  Kent  &Co.,  London. 


ALFRED,  THE  NEW 
PATRIOTIC  PLAY,  by  Martin  F. 
TurrER,  Esq.,  (as  acted  under  the  direction  of 
Mr.  Walter  Montgomery)  is  just  published  by 
David  Kelley,  Market.  Street,  Manchester.  Sent 
free  for  13  Postage  Stamps. 


THE    CORNHILL 

*  ZINE. 

ONE  SHILLING  MONTHLY.  Illustrated. 
SMiTn,  Elder,  &  Co.,  Gr>,  Cornhill. 


w 

03 

© 

< 
03 


TUXURIANT     WHISKERS, 

■™  Moustaches,  and  Eyebrows,  produced 
in  a  few  weeks  by  the  use  of  ELLIOTT'S  TONIC 
LOTION,  the  stimulative  properties  of  which  are 
unfailing  in  its  operation.  Thomas  Elliott  invites  a 
trial  from  the  most  sceptical,  that  they  may  he  con- 
vinced of  its  infallible  power.  Price  35.6a.,  5s.  6<7., 
Ills.  6d.t  and  21s.  Forwarded  on  receipt  of  postage 
stamps.  Thomas  Elliott,  Hair  Grower  (firstiloor), 
51,  Fenchurch  Street,  E.C.    T.  E.'s  Wigs,  3Us. 


ARR'S    LIFE    PILLS.- 

The  advantages  derived  from  taking 
this  admirable  balsamic  medicine  are  vigour  of 
body,  energy  of  mind,  and  clearness  of  perception. 
In  boxes,  price  Is.  \hl,,  '2s.  9(2.,  and  in  family  packets, 
lis.  each.  Sold  by  all  chemists  and  medicine  ven- 
dors. Sole  proprietors,  T.  Roberts  &  Co.,  8,  Crane 
Court,  fleet  Street,  London.  Ask  for  Parr's  Lite 
Pills. 


fiLLEN'S  PORTMANTEAUS 

A&.  AND  LAGS,  Ladies'  Dress  Trunks, 
Dressing  Bags,  with  Silver  Fittings,  Despatch 
Boxes,  Writing  Cases,  and  50U  articles  for  conti- 
nental travelling.  Illustrated  Catalogues,  post  free. 
J.  W.  Allen,  Manufacturer,  22  and  31,  West  Strand, 
London. 

Also,  Allen's  Illustrated  Catalogue  of  Officers, 
Portable  Bedsteads,  Drawers,  Chairs,  Canteens,  &c., 
post  free. 


"  None  are  superior." — Art  Journal. 
"  Theirs  are  the  finest." — Photo  Nevis. 
"  Brilliant  and  i'ull  of  Life." — Athenaum. 


10    FOR    lOs. 

STEREOSCOPIC    COf 

54,  CHEAPSIDE,  (TWO  DOORS  WEST  BOW  CHURCH) 

Albums,  to  hold  50  Portraits,  10?. 

A  Suite  of  Dressing  Rooms,  and  Lady  Attendants. 


KING   WILLIAM    STREET,  LONDON  BRIDGE, 

ESTABLISHED  IN  SHEFFIELD,  A.D.  1810. 


Mappin  Brothers  guarantee  on  all  their  manufactures  in  Electro-Si] 
deposit  of  real  silver,  according  to  price  charged. 

ver  Plate  a 

strong 

•'  FIDDLE." 

"  THREADED." 

"  KING'S." 

Plated 
strong. 
£   s.    d. 
1  16    0 
1  16    0 
17    0 
17    0 
0  16    0 

Plated 
extra  strong. 
£    s.  d. 
2     8     0 
2     8     0 
1  IS     0 
1  18     0 
10     0 

Plated 
strong. 
&.  s.    d. 
2  14    0 
2  14    0 
2    0    0 
2    0    0 
14    0 

1'lated 
extra  strong. 
£  S.    d. 
3  10     0 
3  10     0 
2  10     0 
2  10    0 
1  12    0 

Plated 
strong. 
£   s.    d. 
3    0    0 
3    0    0 
2    4    0 
2    4    0 
17    0 

Plated 
extra  strong. 
£  s.    d. 
3  IS     0 
3  IS    0 
2  14    0 
2  14     0 
1  16     0 

12  Dessert  Porks 

12  Tea  Spoons    

Officers'  Canteens  fitted  for  India  from  £10  to  £500,  according  to  contents  required,  in  strong  Oak  Plate 
Chests,  iron  bound  and  triple-locked. 
Our  Catalogue  of  Drawings  and  Prices  (sent  post  free  on  application  to  London  Bridge)  will 
enable  intending  purchasers  to  make  their  selection  without  difficulty. 

NO  MORE  PILLS  OR  OTHER  MEDICINES  FOR  OLD  OR  YOUNG. 

"  We  find  the  safest  remedy  in  DU  BARRY'S  deliiioiu  health-restoring 


For  Habitual  Constipation,  Dyspepsia  (Indigestion),  Palpitation,  Acidity,  Nausea,  Consumption, 
Coughs,  Colds,  Asthma,  Bronchitis,  Hajtnorrhoids,  Nervousness,  Biliousness,  Torpidity  of  the 
Liver,  Debility,  &c."— Andrew  Ure,  M.D.,  E.R.S.  ;  Dr.  Harvey,  Dr.  Shorland,  Dr.  Campbell. 

Dr.  Wnrzer's  Testimonial: — "  Du  Barry's  Food  is  particularly  effective  in  curing  dyspepsia 
(indigestion),  habitual  constipation,  as  also  diarrhoea,  bowel,  and  liver  complaints,  affections  of 
the  kidneys  and  bladder,  inflammatory  irritation  and  cramp  of  the  urethra,  and  hwrnorrhoids, 
also  in  cough,  asthma,  debility,  and  incipient  pulmonary  and  bronchial  consumption." — Dr.  Rud. 
Wurzer,  Professor  of  Medicine  and  Practical  M.D.  It  saves  50  times  its  cost  in  other  remedies 
and  till  Doctors'  and  Apothecaries'  Bills. 

We  extract  a  few  out  of  many  thousand  cures: — Cure,  No.  1,771.  Lord  Stuart  de  Decies,  of 
many  years'  dyspepsia. — No.  49.S32.  "  Fifty  years'  indescribable  agony  from  dyspepsia,  nerv- 
ousness, asthma,  cough,  constipation,  flatulency,  spasms,  sickness,  and  vomiting.  Maria  Joly, 
of  Lynn,  Norfolk." — Cure,  No.  5S.S16.  Field-Marshal  the  Duke  of  Pluskow,  of  dyspepsia,  con- 
stipation, nervousness,  and  liver  complaints. — Cure,  No.  47,121.  Miss  Elizabeth  Jacobs,  Nazing 
Vicarage,  Waltham  Cross,  Herts,  of  extreme  nervousness,  indigestion,  gatherings,  low  spirits, 
aud  nervous  fancies. — Cure,  No.  54,S16.  The  Rev.  James  T.  Campbell,  Syderstone  Rectory,  near 
Fakenham,  Norfolk,  "  of  indigestion  and  torpidity  of  the  liver,  which  had  resisted  all  medical 
treatment ;  inquiries  will  be  cheerfully  answered." 

Packed  in  tins  at  Is.  lid.,  1  lb.,  2s.  <M. ;  2  lb.,  4s.  6d. ;  5  lb.,  lis.  ;  121b.,  22s.  ;  24  lb.,  free  of 
carriage,  40s.  Super  refined  quality,  10  lb.,  33s. — Barry  Do  Barry  6  Co.,  No.  77,  Regent  Street, 
London :  also  Fortndm,  Mason  <Sr  Co. :  aud  at  60,  Graceehurch  Street ;  4,  Cheapside  ;  63  and  150, 
Oxford  Street ;    229,  330,  430,  and 451,  Strand;  and  through  all  respectable  Grocers  and  Chemists. 


rmiE  NEW   COLOUR  FOR   GENTLEMEN'S   DBESS.-THE 

&   Imperial  Blue  is  now  ready  in  every  variety  of  Morning  Suits,  and  Overcoats,  at  H.  J.  and 
D.  NICOLL'S,  No.  114,  Regent  Street,  22,  Cornhill,  and  10,  St.  Aun's  Square,  Manchester. 


|FNICEERBOCKERS—IN   THE   "  CORNHILL  MAGAZINE  "   OF 

«&&»  October,  1S6U,  the  above  costume  is  described  in  the  following  terms : — "  Knickerbockers, 
surely  the  prettiest  boy's  dress  that  has  appeared  these  hundred  years."  In  order  to  place  this 
great  improvement  in  BOYS'  DRESS  within  the  reach  of  all  well-to-do  families,  Messrs. 
NICOLL  now  make  the  costume  complete  for  Two  Guineas.  There  is  a  large  selection  of  Pale- 
tots, Overcoats,  and  other  Garments,  prepared  for  Young  Gentlemen  coming  home  for  the 
holidays.  Messrs.  H.  J.  and  D.  NICOLL  have  adapted  the  Knickerbocker  Dress  for  Boys  (about 
three  years  of  age),  as  the  First  Cloth  Suit  on  leaving  off  the  petticoat  dress  ;  the  cost  varying 
from  one  guinea.  Sample  Suits  with  the  necessary  under  clothing,  &c,  may  now  be  inspected, 
or  the  same  will  be  forwarded  on  application,  if  accompanied  with  a  reference  in  town. 
H.  J.  and  D.  NICOLL,  114,  Regent  Street ;  22,  Cornhill;  and  10,  St.  Ann's  Square,  Manchester. 


A 


TOOTH  from  5s.,  set  £2  10s.     Without  Springs,  Wires,  or  any  painful  operation. 
Appearance  and  durability  guaranteed.     All  Consultations  free. 


Natural 


VHE    GENTLEMEN'S  REAL    HEAD    OF   HAIR,   OR  INVISIBLE 

*  PERUKE. — The  principle  upon  which  this  Peruke  is  made  is  so  superior  to  everything  yot 
produced,  that  the  Manufacturer  Invites  the  honour  of  a  visit  from  the  Sceptic  and  the  Connoisseur,  that  one  ruar  be 
convinced,  and  tbe  other  gratified,  by  Inspecting  this  and  other  novel  and  beautiful  specimens  of  the  Peruqueian  Art,  at 
the  Establishment  of  tbe  Sole  Inventor,  F.  BROWNE,  47,  FENCHURCH  STREET. 

F.  BROWNE'S   INFALLIBLE   MODE   OF   MEASURING 
THE  HEAD. 


Round  the  Head,  in  manner  of  a  fillet,  leaving 
the  Ears  loose     ..        .,        


Erorn  the  Forehead  ovei-to  the  poll,  as  deep 
each  way  as  required 


From  one  Temple  to  the  other  across  the  rise 
or  Crown  of  the  Head  to  where  t'ae  Hair  grows 


As  dotted 
1  to  1. 


As  dotted 
2toi. 


As  marked 
3  to  3. 


Inches.  Eighths 


THE  CHARGE  FOR  THIS  UNIQUE  HEAD  OF 
HAIR,  ONLY  £1  10*. 


CAUTION  TO  INVALIDS. 
In  consequence  of  the  rapid  effects  produced  by 

DR.  DE  JONGH'S 

LIGHT-BROWN  COD  LIVER 

OIL, 

And  the  small  quantities  required  to  be  taken  as 
compared  with,  the  Pale  Oil,  some  unscrupulous 
chemists,  with  a  view  to  increased  profit,  endeavour 
to  recommend  or  substitute  other  kinds.  Pur- 
chasers are  earnestly  cautioned  against  proposed 
substitutions. 
Sole  Agents,  Aksau,  Harford  &  Co.,  77.  Strand. 


ROWLANDS'  MACASSAR  OIL,  for  promoting 
the  Growth,  Restoring  and  Beautifying  the  Human 
Hair. 

ROWLANDS*  KALYDOR  for  Improving  and 
Beautifying  the  Complexion  and  Skin,  and  Eradi- 
cating Cutaneous  defects. 

ROWLANDS'  ODONTO,  or  Pearl  Dentrifice,  for 
the  Teeth,  Gums,  and  Breath. 

Sold  at  20,  Hatton  Garden,  and  by  Chemists  and 
Perfumers. 


MARSHALL'S  UNIVERSAL 
CERATE  (Established  for  more  than 
a  century).  Is  eminently  distinguished  for  speedily 
curing  every  kind  of  Wound  or  Sore,  Scald,  Burn, 
or  Bruise,  Eruptions  of  every  sort,  and  Ulcers  of 
every  denomination,  especially  "Ulcerated  Legs, 
which  have  been  healed  in  so  rapid  a  manner,  that 
a  mw  method  of  cure  has  been  established  by  this 
useful  preparation. 

Sore  and  Ulcerated  Legs  of  20  years'  standing, 
have  been  cured  without  the  least  confinement, 
after  the  patients'  discharge  from  hospitals. 

Sold  wholesale  by  Messrs.  Barclay  aud  Sous, 
9r>,  Farringdon  Street ;  and  all  other  wholesale 
houses  in  Loudon,  and  by  most  Medicine  Vendors 

and  Druggists  in  the  United  Kingdom. 
*.*  Observe  the  numerous  eases  of  cures  in  the  bills. 


■PIMMEL'S    PA- 

M)    TBNT     PERFUME 

VAPORISER,  an  Elegant  Ap- 

paratus,  reconi mended  by  Dn, 

Letuebt.  and  Db.Hassali,  for 

diffusing     the     fragrance    of 

flowers,  and  purifying  the  air. 

Price  from  6s. 

Pvimmel,  Perfumer. 

3     96,  Strand,  and  21,  Cornhill. 

WEB    CANDLES    TO    BURN 

15  HALF  AN  UOUR  ONLY.     No  Waste. 
No    Sparks.     No   snuffing   required.     Sold  by  all 
dealers  in  the  Kingdom,  and  tbe  Inventors, 
Whitmoke   &  CiiAnnocK,    16,  Bishopsgate  Street 
"Within,  London,  E.G. 

f£LENFIELD    PATENT 

^*  STARCH.  Used  in  the  Royal  Laundry, 
and  Pronounced  by  Her  Majesty's  Laundress,  to  he 
the  Finest  Starch  she  ever  used.  Sold  by  all  Chan- 
dlers, Grocers,  &c.  &c. 

Wotherspoo^  &  Co.,  Glasgow  and  London. 


WEDDING  STATIONErvi 

50  samples  POST  FREE 

PARKINS  &  G0TTQ 

25  0XFORDSTLO- 


Ml 
ROOKS'S     CELEBRATED 

V  READING  SAUCE, 

"Which  is  so  highly  esteemed  with  Fish,  Game, 
Steaks,  Soups,  Grills,  Gravies,  Hot  &  Cold  Meats, 
aud  unrivalled  for  general  use,  is  Sold  by  the  most 
respectable  Dealers  in  Fish  Sauces. 

C.  Cocks,  Reading,  Sole  Manufacturer. 

CAUCE  -LEA  &   PERBINS' 

©  WORCESTERSHIRE  SAUCE.  Pro- 
nounced by  Connoisseurs  to  be  "The  only  Good 
Sauce." 

Sold  Wholesale  and  foT  Export,  by  the  Proprietors, 
"Worcester;  Messrs.  Crosse  &  Blackweli.,  London, 
&c.  &c,  and  by  Grocers  and  Oilmen  universally. 

TOE     NEW     LUXURY^ 

&         THE  NEAPOLITAN  ICE. 

At  ST.  JAMES'S  HALL. 
Wedding  Breakfasts,  Ball  Suppers,  &c,  supplied. 


SYRINGES,  ENGINES, 

GREENHOUSE     PUMPS, 

'UT      SWING  WATER  BARROWS, 

And  PATENT  FUMIGATOIIS.    Read,  35,  Regent1 

Circus,  Piccadilly,  W.    Descriptions  post  free. 


WORBLEY    AND     CO., 

™»  Goldsmiths,  Silversmiths.  &  Jewellers, 

5fi,  LORD  STREET,  LIVERPOOL. 

Stock  unsurpassed  for  beauty  of  design  and  high 

character  of  workmanship. 


W  A  N  T  E  B    L  E  F  T-0  F  F 

W  CLOTHES  FOR  AUSTRALIA, 
Good  or  Inferior.  Mb.  and  Mrs.  JOHN  ISAACS, 
319  and  320,  Strand,  Opposite  Somerset  House,  con- 
tinue giving  the  Highest  Price,  in  cash,  for  Ladies' 
aud  Gentlemen's  Clothes,  also  Regimentals,  Boots, 
Books,  Linen,  Underclothing,  Plate,  Watches,  and 
Jewellery,  and  in  fact  Anything.  Letters  addressed 
as  above"  instantly  attended  to.— N.B.  All  Parcels, 
large  or  small,  from  the  country,  the  utmost  value 
returned  by  Post  Office  Order  the  same  d°y. 


July  13,  1861.] 


PUNCH,   OH    THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


11 


DOWN    WITH    YOUR    STAR-DUST! 

ucii  astonishment  seems  to 
have  been  caused  among  the 
astronomers  by  the  splen- 
did new  Comet,  which  has 
appeared  in  celebration  of 
the  opening  of  Mr.  Punch's 
Forty-first  Volume.  It  came 
tiniutroduced,  and  has  been 
looked  upon,  or,  rather,  up 
to,  as  a  sort  of  intruder.  As 
nobody  else  knows  anything 
about  its  past  history,  Mr. 
Punch  has  not  the  least  hesi- 
tation in  stating,  of  his  own 
personal  knowledge,  that  it 
is  one  of  the  two  observed 
by  Nicephorus,  270  a.c, 
that  it  appeared  hi  England, 
in  the  time  of  King  Alfred, 
1337,  and  again  in  the  reign 
of  James  the  Eiest,  1473, 
and  that  it  will  be  seen  again 
on  the  29th  of  April,  1984, 
about  ten  o'clock  m  the 
evening.  If  any  astrono- 
mer, or  other  person,  doubt 
this  last  fact,  Mr.  Punch  is 
open  to  an  offer  of  the  usual 
British  method  of  settling  a  dispute,  and  the  amount  of  the  bet,  large  or 
small,  may  be  deposited  at  his  Office,  to  await  the  event.  His  publisher 
of  that  day  will  hand  it  to  the  posterity  of  the  winner  on  a  certificate 
from  the  lineal  descendant  of  the  Astronomer  Royal,  whom  Mr.  Punch 
hereby  requests  to  register  the  offer  in  the  archives  of  Greenwich. 


CHEMICAL  NOMENCLATURE  EOR  LADIES. 

"  Mb.  Punch, 

"  It  is  pleasing  to  find  Pictorial  Art  linked  hand  hi  hand  with 
Poetry  and  Science ;  the  group  standing,  so  to  speak,  in  the  attitude  of 
the  Three  Graces.  This  remark  is  suggested  by  two  paintings  which 
adorn  the  walls  of  the  Royal  Academy  Exhibition.  In  each  of  them 
there  is_  a  delightful  representation  of  a  young  female,  who  bears  the 
interesting  name  of  Elaine.  I  say  interesting,  because,  as  you  know, 
Elaine,  or  Oleine,  is  the  liquid  constituent  of  adipose  matter,  and 
every  student  of  chemistry  must  regard  with  interest  the  idea  of  that 
fluid  consolidated  in  such  lovely  forms  as  those  above  specified. 

"Elaine  has  been  well  chosen  by  a  great  living  poet  for  the  name  of 
a  heroine.  But  Elaine,  as  I  need  not  inform  you,  has  a  sister, 
Stearine,  the  crystalline  component  of  fat :  in  order  to  obtain  her, 
you  treat  mutton  suet  with  ether.  Shall  Stearine  want  a  sacred 
bard  to  immortalise  her  ?  Can't  you  get  one  of  your  young  men  to  do 
it,_  Mr.  Punch? — and,  if  there  is  nobody  to  paint  her,  at  least  you 
might  desire,  a  talented  artist  of  your  own  to  draw  her  likeness  on 
wood ;  and  then  Stearine  would  be  a  beauty  without  paint.  Or  what 
say  you  to  giving  us  a  Cartoon,  whereof  the  subjects  shall  be 
'  Stearine  and  Elaine,  or  the  Two  Sisters.'  It  might  perhaps  be 
remarked  that  Elaine  and  Stearine  were  the  daughters  of  Eatima. 
Excuse  this  perhaps  too  venturous  suggestion  from  your  phdosophical 
subscriber,  "Airpump." 

"  P.S.  Many  pretty  names  might  be  culled  from  the  flowery  paths  of 
Chemistry ;  names,  like  Elaine  and  Stearine,  ending  in  ine.  There 
is  Glycerine,  for  instance,  and  Chlorine,  and  Bromine,  which 
last  would  be  a  sweet  name  for  a  young  lady  in  the  habit  of  using 
patchouli." 

Bailway  Transport  of  Beasts, 

In  a  letter  to  the  Times,  "Viator"  complains  that,  on  the  London 
and  Canterbury  Railway,  he  was  greatly  annoyed  by  the  behaviour  of 
five  ruffians  who,  beastly  drunk,  were  locked  up  with  him  in  a  crowded 
third-class  carriage.  That,  of  course,  was  not  the  fault  of  the  Company, 
which,  however,  will  now,  from  this  time  forward,  no  doubt,  take  care 
that  its  guards  shall  not  inflict  blackguards  on  respectable  people.  It 
will  set  all  the  other  Railway  Companies  the  example  of  establisliing 
tipsy-carriages,  or  sot-boxes,  in  which  drunken  passengers  shall  be 
shut  up  all  by  themselves,  like  pigs. 


DAME  DURDEN  ON  THE  BELGRAVIAN 
DIFFICULTY. 

I  've  got  no  patience  with  the  gals  there 's  all  that  talk  of  in  the  papers, 
As  runs  up  sitch  tremendious  bills  at  jewellers  and  linen-drapers  ; 
Then-  mothers  is  as  bad  and  wus  to  bring  'em  up  with  sitch  high  notions  : 
What  man  would  marry  wives  like  them  though  tens  of  thousands  was 
their  potions  ? 

A  fresh_  dress  on  for  every  meal,  for  breakfast,  lunch,  and  tea,  and 

dinner, 
Sitch  vanity  and  pride  as  that  I  calls  the  conduck  of  a  shiner. 
To  think  of  tea  at  five  o'clock,  your  "  kettledrum,"  and  dinin'  arter, 
Drat  ye,  I  'd  be  about  your  house  if  one  of  you  was  my  own  darter ! 

And  then  your  uproars  and  your  routs,  although  the  rising  sun  gives 

warning, 
Yet  on  you  capers,  daucin'  to  the  tune  We  won't  go  home  till  Morning  ; 
What  man  as  likes  his  nateral  sleep  would  ever  think  for  to  incumber 
His  self  with  her  as  keep  sitch  hours  in  place  of  right  and  proper 

slumber  ? 

But  what  the  most  I  can't  abide  is  all  that  Rotten  Row  paradin', 
And  which  it  is,  I  will  maintain,  unworthy  of  a  British  maiden ; 
I  wouldn't  wish,  and  never  did,  to  see  young  gals  demure  as  Quakers, 
But  I  will  say  "  Don't  talk  to  me,  git  out  with  all  them  bold  horse- 
breakers  ! " 

I'm  told  they  learnt  you  fust  to  wear  them  pork-pie  hats  so  free  and 

flighty, 
A  pretty  copy  to  be  sure,  to  set  the  fashions,  highty-tighty  ! 
And  which  is  which  'tis  hard  to  tell,  you're  all  so  forrad  and  so  jaunty, 
With  crinolines  and  Balmorals  fantastical  and  galhvaunty. 

Ah  !  there,  I  know  in  my  young  days  wc  never  durst  a  word  to  mention, 
Of  sitch  things  now  as  occupies  gals'  conversation  and  attention,  _ 
Which  I  declare  I'  m  shocked  to  hear,  then-  imperence  is  so  amazin, 
I  never  thought  that  I  should  live  to  see  young  women  grow  so  brazen. 

And  what  can  their  mammas  expect,  that  makes  so  sad  a  lamentation  ? 

Nobody  comin  for  to  woo  ;  who  woidd  I  wonder  ?    Botheration  ! 

The  hussies  can't  get  husbands  !  none,  it  stands  to  reason,  could  endure 

'em, 
A  broomstick  or  nice  rope's  end  is  what  I'  d  take  to  'em  to  cure  'cm. 


A  CRUEL  JOKE. 


Picked  up  in  Tattersall's  Yard.— Why  is  an  unskilful  speculator 
on  the  Turf  like  a  pig  ?— Because  he  never  has  anything  to  do  with  the 
Ring  but  what  he  has  to  pay  through  the  nose  for  it. 


We  are  glad  to  see  that  the  Officers  of  Health  and  others  are  prose- 
cuting the  country  butchers  and  salesmen  for  sending  putrid  meat  up 
to  the  Metropolitan  markets.  At  a  recent  case,  tried  at  the  Mansion 
House, — 

"Alderman  Hale  said  be  know  tlicro  wove  a  class  of  persons  in  the  country 
who  thought  Londoners  would  eat  any  kind  of  meat,  and  they  thought  it  a  pood 
joke  if  they  could  only  succeed  in  palming  off  their  bad  meat  upon  the  London 
consumers,  and  he,  therefore,  would  commit  defendant  for  trial." 

We  have  no  doubt  that  there  is  a  certain  class  of  country  butchers 
who,  hi  then  extreme  facetiousness,  fancy  that  anything  is  good  enough 
for  the  stupid  Cockneys ;  but  we  beg  to  tell  these  funny  gentlemen 
that  such  "  a  joke "  may  be  great  sport  to  them,  but  it  is  certain 
death  to  those  at  whose  expense  the  filthy  joke  is  cut.  It  is  all  done 
in  the  way  of  jesting ;  and  we  suppose,  if  they  do  poison  a  few 
hundreds,  that  they  must  be  excused,  for  they  "  poison  but  in  jest." 
The  old  saying  of  "What  is  one  man's  meat  is  another  man's  poison" 
becomes  thus  painfully  verified:  the  "meat"  of  the  country,  sent  up 
in  this  putrid  state,  is  literally  the  "poison"  of  the  Metropolis.  We 
notice  that  several  of  these  Poisoners  of  the  Nineteenth  Century  have 
been  punished  with  severe  fines.  Imprisonment  with  hard  labour  would 
be  a  fitter  reward  for  such  jocular  depravity.  Perhaps  they  might  not 
consider  three  months'  employment  in  picking  oakum  as  "good  a  joke" 
as  disseminating  disease  through  the  medium  of  meat  in  a  corrupt 
state.  To  perpetrate  jokes  of  so  killing  a  nature,  the  minds  of  the 
malefactors  must  be  almost  as  corrupt  as  the  wares  they  deal  in.  Their 
slaughterhouses  were  never  intended  for  human  beings  as  well  as 
animals.  The  City  Magistrates  are  to  be  highly _  commended  for 
attempting  to  stop  this  extension  of  the  butcher's  business. 


A  Very  Natural  Mistake. 

Lord  Dufferin,  the  British  Commissioner  in  Syria,  has  been 
appointed  a  Knight  Commander  of  the  Bath.  As  Syria  is  compre- 
hended in  the  Ottoman  Empire,  the  Bath  with  whose  order  his  Lord- 
ship has  been  decorated  will,  perhaps,  be  erroneously  imagined  to  be 
the  Turkish  Bath. 


VOL.  XLI. 


12 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[July  13,  1861. 


Xc/'C^C 


MISSED  HIS  TIP. 

Anderson,  the  slave  who  struck 
for  freedom,  is  in  London,  and  was 
welcomed,  the  other  day,  at  a  public 
meeting,  where  the  righteousness 
of  his  act  was  affirmed  by  acclamar 
tion.  But  who,  does  the  public 
think,  was  chosen  as  Chairman  ? 
No  other  man  than  the  deadly  and 
declared  destroyer  of  the  bug— no 
other  man  than  the  insecticide 
Harper  Twelvetrees  !  But  he 
missed  an  opportunity  of  puffing 
one  of  his  waxes,  and  this  is 
strange.  Why  did  he  not  dilate 
upon  his  Patent  Miraculous  Wash- 
ing Powder,  and  declare  that  by  a 
proper  application  of  that  wonderful 
'  invention,  their  friend  Anderson 
himself,  black  as  he  was,  could 
be  washed  as  white  as  a  lily? 
"  Harper,  thou  wert  not  wont  to 
be  so  dull." 


This  is  why  Charles,  who  took  his  two  Fair  Cousins  to  sec  Blondin  cm  the  High  Rope,  did  iwt  think  it  by 

any  means  a  "  Disgusting  Exhibition." 


A  Legal  Mull. 

At  the  last  Examination  in  Chan- 
cery Lane,  an  embryo  attorney 
came  upon  the  question,  "What 
is  the  Act  for  Eacuitating  the 
Acknowledgment  of  Deeds  of 
Married  Women  ?  "  He  wrote. 
"  I  have  not  bestowed  much  study 
on  the  practice  in  the  Divorce 
Court,  but  I  surmise  that  this  act 
is  intended  to  enable  Sir  C. 
Cresswell  to  obtain  evidence 
more  easily."  The  portrait  _  of 
Mr.  Holme  frowned  upon  him, 
and  he  is  not  to  be  let  loose  upon 
clients. 


WANTED  A  COURT  PENMAN. 

Royal  personages,  hi  answering  loyal  addresses,  of  course  speak 
only  that  which  is  set  down  for  them.  If  they  made  speeches  of  their 
own,  they  would  be  continually  committing  themselves,  unawares,  to 
this  statement  and  that,  and  unwittingly  treading  upon  the  corns  of 
various  people  right  and  left.  At  least,  to  avoid  making  mistakes 
of  this  sort,  they  would  have  to  take  an  amount  of  trouble  in  com- 
posing their  replies  so  great  that  it  would  veiy_  much  interfere 
with  their  ordinary  business,  and  entirely  spod  their  pleasure.  It  is 
therefore  necessary  that  Princes  should  be  provided  with  attendants 
having  the  office  to  compose,  and  put  into  form,  the  platitudes  in  which 
they  are  called  upon,  from  time  to  time,  to  acknowledge  the  compli- 
ments which  are  paid  to  them.  But  then  the  platitudes  ought  to  be 
expressed  in  proper  terms,  such  as  it  may  become  a  Prince  to  utter ; 
that  is  in  language  which  a  decently  educated  person  would  naturally 
use.  Now,  is  anybody  who  has  been  brought  up  in  any  school  better 
than  a  Commercial  Academy,  capable  of  delivering  himself  in  such  a 
style  as  that  of  the  subjoined  slipslop  which  the  Prince  of  Wales  had 
to  read  in  answer  to  an  address  presented  to  him  by  the  Kingstown 
Commissioners  ? 

"Gentlemen, — I  most  heartily  thank  you  for  the  gratifying  terms  in  which,  on 
your  own  behalf  and  that  of  the  inhabitants  of  Kingstown,  you  greet  me  on  my 
arrival  at  your  port,  after  a  voyage  performed  with  such  ease  and  expedition  in  the 
admirable  vessel  considerately  placed  at  my  disposal  by  its  enterprising  pro- 
prietors." 

What  gent  was  it  that  made  up  this  mixture  of  pompous  vulgarisms  ? 
"  Gratifying "  terms.  Voyage  performed  with  such  "ease  and  expe- 
dition." "  Admirable  vessel  considerately  placed  at  my  disposal  by  its 
enterprising  proprietors."  Why  these  are  all  the  familiar  phrases  of 
puffing  tradesmen's  advertisements.  The  last  of  the  foregoing  passages 
relative  to  the  Connaught  and  the  Steam-Packet  Company,  would  lead 
one  to  suppose  it  to  have  been  written  by  somebody  in  the  interest  of 
that  concern.  It  would  probably  be  unjust  to  a  well-informed  and  sen- 
sible man  to  suggest  that  its  author  was  the  steward  of  the  above- 
named  vessel. 

His  Royal  Highness  is  also  actually  made  to  say  : — 

"During former  visits  to  Ireland,  and  particularly  in  the  course  of  a  tour  made 


some  years  ago  through  the  country,  I  had  considerable  opportunities  of  witnessing 
the  beauty  of  her  scenery." 

Some  clue  to  the  authorship  of  the  preceding  instances  of  haber- 
dashers' eloquence  may  perhaps  be  found  in  those  characteristic  forms 
of  speech,  "considerable"  opportunities,  and  "witnessing"  the  beauty 
of  her  scenery.  These  are  the  notorious  idioms  of  that  sort  of  penny-a- 
lining which  is  the  least  worth  a  penny.  _  The  advisers  of  the  Prince 
of  Wales  should  cause  then  own  private  secretaries  to  write  the 
speeches  which  they  give  the  Prince  to  make,  and  not  employ  for  that 
purpose  the  undermost  reporter  engaged  on  the  Court  Circular.  At 
least  let  the  Queen's  son  be  allowed  to  speak  his  Mother's  English. 

As  there  is  a  Poet-laureate,  so  likewise  ought  there  to  be  a  Royal 
Professor  of  Prose,  whose  office,  however,  shall  not  be  merely  honorary, 
but  shall  consist  in  plainly  wording  the  simple  ideas  which  Royalty 
is  occasionally  called  upon  to  express.  Mr.  Punch  could  mention  some 
young  men,  who,  at  a  sufficiently  high  wages,  would  accept  the  work. 


Old  Fogy's  Glee. 

Oh,  the  girls  that  we  have  seen 

All  in  their  time  so  fair  ! 
Now  some  are  fat,  and  some  are  lean, 

So  much  the  worse  for  wear. 
To  think  I  see  my  early  flame 

In  yonder  Mrs.  Grundy  ! 
Once  I  was  mad  for  that  old  dame  ! 

Sic  transit  gloria  mundi ! 


Sabbatarians  Snubbed. 


It  is  delightful  to  find  that  the  body  of  fanatics,  constituting  a 
majority  of  the  Royal  Dublin  Society,  who  have  refused  to  open  their 
Botanical  Gardens  to  the  public  on  Sunday,  have  had  the  vote  of  £2382, 
which  they  wanted,  disallowed  by  the  House  of  Commons  pending  their 
Sabbatarian  exclusion  of  the  people  from  that  place  of  moral  and  intel- 
lectual recreation.  If  these  bigots  or  humbugs  are  consistent,  they 
must  believe  that  the  injunction  to  "consider  the  lilies  of  the  field" 
is  one  that  ought  not  to  be  observed  on  Sundays. 


July  13,  1861.] 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


13 


GROUNDLESS    ALARM. 

Stout  Equestrian.  "  Dou  you  Know,  Love,  I  'm  bather  sorry  I  got  this  Hat,  for  suppose  I  should  be  taken  for  a  "  Pretty 

HORSEBREAKER  !  " 


PUNCH'S  ESSENCE  OE  PARLIAMENT. 

July  1,  Monday.  Bishop  Tait,  of  London,  announced,  on  behalf  of 
the  Archbishop  of  Canterbury  and  the  Church  generally,  that  they 
would  hail  a  speedy  settlement  of  the  Church  Rate  question,  and  would 
deplore  any  settlement  that  should  leave  a  rankling  in  the  minds  of 
their  dissenting  brethren.  It  seems  difficult  to  speak  more  civilly  than 
spoke  Dr.  Tait,  who  is  a  zealous  and  earnest  hierarch,  and  who  might 
have  beenseen  on  the  previous  Sunday  preaching  in  the  open  air  to  the 
heathen  of  Covent  Garden.  Lord  Brougham  expressed  his  conviction 
that  in  the  matter  of  St.  Domingo  we  ought  not  to  place  the  slightest 
confidence  in  the  promises  of  Spain  not  to  introduce  slavery  into  that 
island;  and  though  the  Colonial  Secretary  begged  Brougham  not  to  be 
so  rude,  Lord  Stratford  de  Redcliffe  observed  that  Spain  takes 
every  opportunity  of  cheating. 

The  Commons  considered  the  lour  Seats  Bill.  Mr.  Tom  Duncombe 
amiably  pointed  out  the  fact  that  the  Government  had  been  thoroughly 
beaten  on  this  question,  and  had  been  forced  to  abandon  the  principle 
on  which  they  had  declared  the  Bill  to  be  based.  Defeated  in  t  he  attempt 
to  create  a  new  metropolitan  borough,  and  mixed  up  in  the  defeat  on 
the  attempt  to  give  a  third  Member  to  Middlesex,  they  succumb  to  the 
dictation  of  the  majority,  and  hand  over  the  extra  Member  to  the  West 
Riding.  Lord  Permoy,  also,  and  other  Government  supporters, 
animadverted  upon  the  abandonment  of  principle.  But  Mb.  Dun- 
combe's  attempt  to  overthrow  the  Bill  was  baffled  by  204  to  28.  Then 
two  Scotchmen  demanded  a  Member  for  the  Scottish  Universities,  and 
Sir  James  Gbaham  postponed  the  claim  of  the  London  University,  and 
supported  that  of  the  Riding ;  and  it  was  finally  settled  that  after  the 
dissolution  of  this  present  Derbyite  Parliament,  the  West  Riding  of 
Yorkshire  shall  be  split  into  North  and  South,  and  that  each  shall  have 
its  share  of  Wapentakes  (which  may  be  something  nice  to  eat  for  any- 
thing Mr.  Punch  knows),  and  the  two  portions  shall  each  have  two 
Members,  and  the  chief  electoral  place  for  the  North  shall  be  Leeds, 
and  that  for  the  South  shall  be  Pontefract,  at  which  latter  place  the 
celebrated  Mb.  Gully  was  returned,  and  the  celebrated  Mr.  Sayers 
may  be  returned  if  the  constituency  likes  him. 


Our  friend  Pam's  Ministry  is  getting  divers  knocks  and  kicks,  and 
does  not  look  very  strong  on  its  pins  just  now,  while  the  Tories  are 
shoving  together,  shoidder  to  shoulder  ;  and  if  it  were  not  for  Foreign 
Affairs  there  might  be  "  an  ugly  rush,"  and  in  spite  of  foreign  affairs 
something  of  the  kind  may  not  be  far  off.  But  that  is  our  friend 
Pam's  own  business.  Mr.  Punch  is  sorry,  however,  that  Lord  P.  is 
not  strong  enough  to  carry  out  his  own  intentions  as  to  the  legal  ap- 
pointments. He  caused  it  to  be  proclaimed  to  the  world  that  he  had  got 
Mr.  Roundell  Palmer  for  Attorney-General,  and  that  Sir  William 
Atherton  was  to  go  up  as  judge.  Now,  it  appears  that  the  Liberal 
parliamentary  barristers  kicked  up  such  a  horrible  row  about  the  be- 
stowal of  the  Attorney-Generalship  upon  Mr.  Palmer,  who  was  a  kind 
of  Peel-Conservative,  and  certainly  not  one  of  the  Liberal  party,  that 
Pam  was  obliged  to  give  way,  stick  Atherton,  who  is  a  third-rater, 
into  the  place  just  vacated  by  Sir  Richard  Bethell,  and  put  in 
Palmer  as  Solicitor.  The  which  concession  argueth  not  a  conviction 
on  the  part  of  the  Constable  that  the  present  Ministerial  arrange- 
ments are  likely  to  outlast  the  world.  It  is  said  that  the.  Palmer  still 
wears  the  Conservative  cockle-shell,  and  comes  in  "with  liberty  of 
reservation." 

Civil  Estimates  came  on,  and  the  Wiscount,  who  shall  be  discoro- 
netted  for  the  night,  as  a  mark  of  respect,  because  he  twice  talked  very 
good  sense,  made  some  remarks  upon  the  people  having  to  keep  up 
Hampton  Court  Palace  for  members  of  the  aristocracy.  Answered 
Mr.  Cowfer  with  the  usual  official  humbug— the  infusion  of  a  grain  of 
truth  in  a  pint  of  falsehood  :  "  Her  Majesty  had  given  permission  for 
the  widows  of  distinguished  officers  to  be  lodged  there."  Very  nice, 
and  nothing  would  be  more  delightful  to  Englishmen  than  to  know  that 
such  homes  were  provided  for  those  who  were  dear  to  our  heroes.  But. 
"  There  are  three  widows  hi  the  Palace,  and  the  rest  of  the  apartments 
are  given  up  to  remnants  of  the  aristocracy."  The  money  was  voted, 
but  the  false  pretence  was  smashed.  Then  it  was  arranged  that  the  mass 
of  bronze  and  undertakery  called  the  Wellington  Car  should  be  put 
away  into  a  crypt  of  St.  Paul's,  where  nobody  need  see  it  (as  Mr. 
Cowper  explained)  who  did  not  make  special  demand  to  see  it. 
Upwards  of  £22,000  was  voted  for  the  Brompton  Boilers,  and  very 


14 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[July  13,  1861. 


properly,  and  nearly  £100,000  was  given  for  keeping  up  Parks  and 
Palaces.  In  the  course  of  this  discussion  complaints  were  made  of  the 
new  encroachment  in  Kensington  Gardens.  Mr.  Punch  personally  in- 
spected this  Ride  the  other  day,  and  it  appears  to  him  that  so  far  from 
its  being  a  harmless  arrangement,  it  is  a  cutting  up  of  one  of  the  most 
pleasant  walks  in  the  Gardens.  It  is  very  hard  that  people  with  six 
legs  can't  go  a  little  further  off,  and  leave  the  only  pretty  garden  in 
London  to  people  with  two  legs  only.  Then  came  the  votes  for  the 
ornamentation  of  the  new  Houses,  and  Mr.  William  Williams  spoke 
up  for  a  statue  to  one  of  the  ablest  generals,  greatest  statesmen,  and 
wisest  rulers  that  England  has  ever  produced,  he  meant  Oliver  Crom- 
well. The  House  received  this  just  homage  to  King  Oliver  so  well 
that  Mr.  Cowper,  who  had  said  that  Cromwell  should  not  be  forgot- 
ten, seemed  frightened,  and  explained  that  he  had  oidy  meant  thatthe 
Protector's  name  was  m  the  statue-index,  and  that  the  question  might 
come  on  hereafter.  Whereat  there  was  derision.  When  the  statue  is 
to  be  erected,  Mr.  Punch,  as  a  Protestant,  intends  to  protest  against  its 
being  inserted  between  the  images  of  King  Oliver's  predecessor  and 
successor.  For  George  Canning  adduced  proof  that  Charles  the 
Piest  was  a  Papist,  and  Charles  the  Second's  apostacy  was  no 
secret,  and  old  Noll  would  not  stand  comfortably  between  a  Popish 
tyrant  and  a  Popish  traitor.  Let  him  be  set  by  himself,  and  when  the 
time  comes,  Mr.  Punch  will  supply  Mm  with  an  inscription  from  the 
works  of  Jeremy  Taylor,  who  married  an  unlawful  daughter  of  the 
First  Charles,  and  yet  did  not  get  much  out  of  his  brother-in-law, 
the  Second. 

Tuesday,  The  Normanby  snub  was  more  effectually  administered 
than  usual.  N.  wants  to  make  a  speech  about  the  Duke  or  Modena — one 
of  the  tyrants  thrust  out  by  Italy,  and  charitably  forgotten  by  everybody 
but  such  people  as  Lord  Normanby.  Brougham  and  'Granville 
advised  him  to  hold  his  tongue,  but  the  old  goose  persisting,  the  Lords 
cried  "  order  "  till  he  shut  up. 

A  very  sensible  speech  by  the  Bishop  of  London.  He  opposed  a 
feeble  Bill  for  the  Union  of  Benefices,  and  described  it  as  a  measure  for 
enabling  any  persons  who_  could  get  £40,000  together  to  have  a  Bishop 
for  their  money.  Why,  if  this  Bill  passed,  it  would  be  as  much  the 
fashion  for  a  millionnaire  to  have  a  Bishop  of  his  own  as  to  have  a  butler. 
A  rich  marchioness  would  probably  have  two,  taking  care  that  they 
should  lie  alike  in  regard  to  calves  and  Calvinism.  Our  Bishop  pro- 
ceeded to  allude  to  the  Church-Bate  question,  and  said,  pluckily,  that 
it  ought  to  be  discussed  in  the  Commons,  that  disagreeable  thhigs 
might  be  said  there,  but  that  they  would  not  rankle  unless  they  con- 
tained truth.  He  did  not  want  auy  great  addition  of  Bishops,  for  he 
did  not  approve  of  the  principle  of  constant  interference  by  authorities. 
But  he  was  for  making  Deans  useful,  and  for  other  reforms.  The 
Bishop's  speech  actually  elicited  praise  from  the  Gold-Boy,  Mercator 
Overstone,  and  the  Bill  was  demolished  by  6S  to  11. 

Lord  Ellenbobough,  speaking  of  the  necessity  of  keeping  a  Reserve 
of  Naval  Officers,  declared  his  conviction  that  a  war  was  "  inevitable," 
and  that  it  might  come  upon  us  at  any  moment.  When  the  Elephant 
trumpets,  the  Tiger  is  usually  in  ambush — but  our  old  elephant  has  not 
been  in  work  of  late,  and  may  be  a  little  nervous. 

On  a  Scotch  School  Bill  in  the  Commons,  Mr.  Bouverie  told  a 
goodish  story — a  schoolmaster  had  a  fixed  allowance,  and  naturally  did 
not  want  more  work  than  he  could  uot  avoid,  so  whenever  new  boys 
came  he  used  to_  flog  them  perpetually,  until  their  parents  took  them 
away,  and  left  him  to  his  gentler  occupations.  A  new  writ  was  moved 
for  Durham,  Sir  William  Atherton  becoming  Attorney-General, 
vide  supra.  By  the  way,  Mr.  Weguelin  (who  was  defeated  at  South- 
ampton by  electors  who  showed  then  fitness  for  the  franchise  by  pre- 
ferring that  loud-mouthed  patriot  Digby  Seymour)  came  in  to-day  for 
Wolverhampton — and  is  a  gain  to  the  House. 

Lord  Palmekston,  who  is  famed  for  Anglican  ignorance  as  to  when 
he  is  beaten,  did  not  look  blue  when  the  Atherton  writ  was  asked, 
but  was  presently  chaffing  Vincent  Scully,  and  amid  roars,  offering 
him,  by  implication,  the  situation  of  Lord  of  the  Treasury,  vacated  by 
the  ungranimatical  Bagwell.  _  A  proposal  by  Lord  Enfield  to  com- 
pensate certain  parsons  for  their  losses  in  burial  fees  by  the  shutting  up 
abominable  graveyards,  was  lost  by  59  to  48. 

ct  For  a  difference  one  cannot  call  nil 
The  Commons  perceives,  be  it  said ; 
'Twixt  the  Enfield  that's  rifled  to  kill, 
And  the  Enfield  who  'd  rifle  the  dead." 

What  Mr.  Pope  Hennessy's  special  interest  in  Poland  may  be  is 
not  clear.  Perhaps  he  advocates  her  cause  to  show  that  when  Liberty 
is  quite  unattainable  by  a  nation,  Papists  have  no  objection  to  clamour 
on  its  behalf,  though,  when  there  is  a  chance  of  freedom  for  a  people,  as 
in  Sicily  Tuscany,  Naples,  and  elsewhere,  the  Roman  Catholic  orator 
invariably  denounces  the  revolutionist  as  a  wicked  and  ungrateful 
reprobate.  But  it  does  not  diminish  the  wrongs  of  Poland  that  they 
are  pleaded  by  the  friends  of  tyranny— it  may  be  said  to  increase  them. 
To-night,  Poland  having  been  made  a  peg  for  a  speech  by  Mr.  Hen- 
nessy,  another  Irish  gentleman,  Mr.  Scully,  declared  that  the  case  of 
Poland  was  not  nearly  so  bad  as  that  of  Ireland.    Not  a  bad  hint, 


Scully._  Suppose  we  civilise  Ireland  by  partition  between  Britannia, 
Caledonia,  and  Cambria.  We  have  done  it  this  week,  and  have  sent 
the  Duke  of  Cornwall  for  the  first,  the  Duke  of  Rothsay  for  the 
second,  and  the  Prince  of  Wales  for  the  third,  to  take  possession, 
and  receive  homage,  and  the  Irish  have  submitted  very  graciously. 
Sold  again,  Scully.  Lord  John  Russell  and  Lord  Palmerston 
both  spoke,  not  so  much  in  answer  to  an  idle  speech,  as  to  express  the 
feeling  of  the  nationon  the  Polish  partition.  The  Anointed  committed 
a  crime  against  which  England  has  ever  protested,  and  though  at 
present  there  is  no  chance  of  wrenching  away  the  plunder,  we  may  hope 
that  one  day  Poland  will  regain  her  rights.  She  erred  much,  chiefly 
through  the  vices  incarnate  in  her  aristocracy  and  her  priesthood,  but 
both  will  have  been  purified  by  the  ordeal,  and  her  punishment  has 
already  exceeded  her  offence. 

Government  decide  that  to  interfere  with  the  anchors  and  cables  of 
merchant  vessels  is  out  of  their  fine,  and  as  these  articles,  on  which  the 
lives  of  thousands  of  brave  fellows  depend,  are  to  a  large  extent  made 
upon  the  true  principles  of  Trade,  namely,  as  badly  as  is  compatible 
with  obtaining  payment  from  the  purchaser,  the  Queen's  saflors  may 
rejoice  that  if  worse_  paid  than  the  merchant-sailors  they  are  better 
cared  for.  The  A  dair-expulsions  were  brought  up  once  more,  but  the 
House  was  disgusted  with  the  iteration,  and  by  88  to  23  decided  on 
hearing  no  more  about  it,  Lobd  Palmerston  throwing  in  a  hint,  that 
hit,  to  the  effect  that  people  who,  for  mere  gain,  cleared  away  their 
tenantry,  were  worse  than  a  man  who  thought,  however  erroneously, 
that  lie  was  crusliing  crime. 

Wednesday.  Through  Committee  went  the  Bill  for  enabling  members 
of  the  Universities,  when  a  Parliamentary  election  takes  place,  to  send 
their  votes,  in  writing,  and  thus  be  spared  the  trouble  and  expense 
of  a  journey.  The  majority  of  University  electors  are  non-resident,  and 
this  arrangement  will  be  very  convenient  to  them.  Mr.  Ayrton,  how- 
ever, thought  that  divers  clergymen,  who  are  so  busy  in  then  country 
parishes  that  they  seldom  come  into  the  world  that  is  illuminated  by 
the  presence  of  Metropolitan  Members  and  the  like,  would  be  bene- 
ficially stirred  up  by  being  compelled  to  mix,  occasionally,  in  society. 
But  the  Commons  thought  that  the  proposed  indulgence  was  just  and 
considerate,  and  affirmed  the  principle  of  the  Bill  by  rather  large  majo- 
rities. That  frenzied  revolutionist  and  agitator,  Mr.  Walpole,  moved 
the  Second  Reading  of  a  Bill  intended  to  do  away,  to  a  certain  extent, 
with  the  nuisance  called  a  Grand  Jury,  a  Bill  that  has  passed  the 
reckless  innovators  and  destructives  hi  the  House  of  Lords ;  but  the 
obdurate  Conservative,  Ayrton,  was  again  in  the  field  with  opposition, 
and  was  cruelly  ridiculed  for  his  loquacity  by  Sir  G.  Lewis.  The 
debate  was  adjourned. 

Thursday.  The  Lords  read  the  Harbours  Bill  a  Second  Time.  It  is, 
as  Mr.  Punch  has  before  mentioned,  a  very  good  Bill,  and  enables 
Government  to  spend  £300,000  a  year  on  Harbours,  also  doing  away 
with  some  passing  tolls.  Lord  Normanby  of  course,  "protested," 
was  snubbed  by  Lord  Donoughmore,  and  went  away  happy.  Lord 
Caithness,  who  has  taken  a  steam-carriage  of  his  own,  moved  the 
Second  Reading  of  a  Bill  for  permitting  locomotives  to  be  used  on 
common  roads.  It  seemed  rather  to  startle  their  Lordships,  but  they 
let  it  go  on. 

Mr.  Bband  moved  a  New  Writ  for  Richmond,  for  Mr.  Rich 
(Henry  Dbummond's  "pig  that  squeaked  because  it  could  not  get  at 
nourishment  "  )  has  at  last  vacated  his  seat,  in  order,  it  is  supposed,  to 
let  in  the  new  Solicitor-General.  No  act  of  Mr.  Rich's  parbamentary 
life — and,  mind,  he  has  been  a  useful  public  servant — became  him  like 
the  leaving  it. 

Me,  Dillwyn  complained  that  the  State  Avas  educating  too  much, 
Me.  Osborne  complained  that  the  Volunteers  fired  too  much,  Mr. 
Scully  complained  that  the  reporters  cut  down  his  speeches  too  much, 
Mr.  S.  Fitzgerald  complained  that  Spain  was  encroaching  on  Morocco 
too  much,  aud  then  the  House  went  at  the  Civil  Estimates,  on  which 
everybody  complained  that  we  spend  too  much.  There  were  several 
rather  good  fights— the  principal  one  being  on  those  Dublin  Gardens, 
and  in  this  case  it  was  resolved  that  if  the  Gardens  were  not  to  lie 
opened  on  the  Sunday,  the  managers  should  not  have  the  public  money. 
What  does  Doctor  Waldegbave  say  to  that  ?  Still,  the  House  showed 
a  due  sense  of  religion,  for  it  voted  £S00  for  a  stained  window  for  Glas- 
gow Cathedral,  an  edifice  which  Mr.  Punch  states,  ex  cathedra,  to  be 
now  kept  in  a  way  that  does  honour  to  the  curators,  and  which  shames 
those  who  have  charge  of  divers  similar  places  in  this  prelatical  country. 

Friday.  Lord  Shaftesbury  made  an  excellent  speech  in  favour- 
no,  not  of  sending  thirty  or  forty  Bishops  to  India,  but  actually  of 
improving  that  country  by  secular  means,  namely,  by  irrigation. 
Government  said  that  they  were  doing  all  they  could  in  the  hydraulic  line. 

The  Commons  were  more  miscellaneous  than  amusing.  Another 
Irish  evidence  case  was  brought  on,  but  the  House  is  growing  savage 
at  being  made  the  tribunal  for  such  squabblmg ;  and  in  spite  of  the 
usual  awful  words  which  Irishism  uses  on  all  occasions — "mean  impos- 
ture," "  fiendish  tyranny,"  and  so  on,  kicked  out  the  business  by  60  to  15. 
Corrupt  Wakefield  wants  to  elect  again,  but  Peelides  Gladstone, 
for  Government,  considered  that  the  naughty  borough  ought  still  to  be 
locked  out,  by  way  of  lesson,  and  so  thought  the  House,  by  173  to  123. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI— July  13,  186L 


WAYS 

Why  They 


AND 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— July  13,  1861. 


MEANS. 

Don't  Marry. 


July  13,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


19 


LATEST  FROM  AFRICA. 


here  was  a  Scientific 
Meeting  _  held  one 
evening  in  last  week, 
at  which  M.  Du 
Chaillu  thought  fit 
to  put  an  end  to  a 
discussion  on  the 
merits  of  his  book 
by  spitting  in  the 
face  of  a  gentleman 
who  questioned  them. 
Such  a  way  of  ar- 
guing may  be  tole- 
rated possibly  at  a 
meeting  of  Gorillas, 
but,  happily,  among 
Englishmen  it  has 
not  yet  been  sanc- 
tioned. If  M.  Du 
Chaillu",  or  any 
other  traveller, 
wishes  to  indulge  in 
it,  we  should  advise 
hnn,  as  a  place  which 
is  nominally  conge- 
nial, to  take  up  his 
residence  somewhere 
in  Spitz-bcrgen. 


A  MAEYLEBONE  MOONCALF. 

Mr.  Punch  reads  in  the  Daily  Telegraph  a  statement,  from  which 
the  following  is  an  extract : — 

"  Marylebone  Vestry  and  Local  Self-Government. — The  anniversary  festival 
of  the  St.  Marylebone  representative  vestry,  to  celebrate  the  principle  of  local  self- 
government,  was  held  at  the  Lower  Welsh  Harp,  Hendon.  The  Chair  was  occupied 
by  Mr.  Churchwarden  Filmer.  The  cloth  being  drawn,  the  Chairman  proposed 
the  loyal  and  pat riotic  toasts,  which  were  disposed  of  with  tho  usual  enthusiasm. 
Mr.  C.  Freeth,  in  proposing  '  The  Marylebone  Vestry,'  coupled  with  the  principle 
of  local  self-government,  contended  that  England,  Wales,  Ireland,  and  Scotland 
were  still  seeking  for,  and  would  not  rest  satisfied  uutil  an  extension  of  the  great 
principle  of  local  self-governmeut  had  been  obtained.  If  London,  for  instance,  had 
local  self-government  as  it  ought  to  have — that  was,  a  proper  municipality — the 
strong  difference  of  opinion  with  regard  to  the  horse  ride  in  Kensington  Gardens 
would  not  exist.  He  concluded  by  calling  upon  the  vestry  of  Marylebone  not  to  be 
frightened  out  of  defending  their  rights  through  being  run  down  by  Punch." 

It  is  clear  that  an  orator  may  be  very  acceptable  to  the  Marylebone 
Vestry  men,  although  invidious  circumstances  may  have  withheld  from 
that  person  the  privilege  of  being  taught  to  read.  Nor  would  Mr. 
Punch  be  hard  upon  this  poor  unfortunate  Preeth,  on  account  of  the 
defects  in  his  education.  Perhaps  there  was  no  charity-school  in  the 
locality  in  which  Preeth  was  born.  But  as  it  appears  that  Lord 
Permoy  and  Mr.  Harvey  Lewis  had  to  join  this  dinner  at  the  Lower 
Welsh  Harp,  and  to  endure  the  snobbism  of  influential  constituents, 
and  as  both  gentlemen  endeavoured  to  beguile  that  period  of  affliction 
by  making  speeches,  Mr.  Punch  takes  it  for  granted  that  either  one  or 
the  other  had  the  courage  to  say  something  of  this  sort : — 

"But,  Gentlemen,  as  for  our  friend  Mr.  Freeth' s  allusion  to  Punch,  I  must  say 
that  accustomed  as  I  am  to  hear  Marylebone  Vestrymen  talk,  as  an  ass  might  be 
expected  to  talk,  if  endowed  with  language,  I  did  not  expect  to  hear,  even  trom  a 
Marylebone  Vestryman,  such  an  outrageous  piece  of  idiotic  absurdity  as  that  of 
which  our  foolish  Freeth  has  just  been  guilty.  Punch  try  to  frighten  you  out  of 
asserting  your  rights  !  Why,  Freeth  must  be  a  fool.  It  was  Mr.  Punch  who  saved 
Kensington  Gardens  from  the  equestrians  last  year.  Do  you  think  that  the 
Honourable  Mr.  Cowper,  and  the  rest  of  his  aristocratic  friends,  would  have  cared 
a  farthing  for  tho  remonstrances  of  all  the  Marylebone  Vestrymen  who  ever  dropped 
a  naitch.  Bah  !  It  was  Mr.  Punch  who  saved  the  Gardens.  He  stood  out  man- 
fully against  the  Annexation.  He  told  the  Swells  that  it  was  too  bad.  His  preter- 
natural influence,  and  not  your  blatant  botheration,  did  the  thing  for  you.  And 
now,  if  you  will  read  his  pages,  week  after  week  (I  don't  address  myself  to  poor 
Freeth,  whose  power  of  reading  is  limited),  you  will  see  that  he  is  again  exerting 
his  energies  to  have  the  rhododendron  walk  restored  to  your  wives  and  children.  He 
will  succeed,  too,  but  it  is  more  than  you  deserve  that  he  should  take  this  trouble 
for  a  set  of  muffs  who  will  not  even  read  what  he  says,  or  cannot  comprehend  it 
when  they  have  read  it.  Mr.  Punch  is  your  best  friend.  He  ridicules  your  follies, 
puts  you  in  the  right  road,  and  flogs  you  like  winking  when  you  try  to  get  out  of  it ; 
and  instead  of  talking  or  enduring  vulgar  nonsense  about  him,  you  ought  to  be 
down  on  your  Marylebone  marrowbones,  thanking  him  for  his  gracious  conde- 
scension and  assistance.     Kick  Freeth  out,  and  pass  the  bottles." 

Mr.  Punch  does  not  read  anything  of  this  kind  in  the  Telegraph's 
report,  but  it  must  have  been  said,  for  Lord  Permoy  and  Mr.  Harvey 
Lewis  are  gentlemen,  and  perhaps  the  Telegraph  was  pressed  for  room. 


ST.  STEPHEN'S  SCULPTURE-GALLERY. 

"All  our  statues  why  should  Kings  engross"  in  the  Houses  ofParlia- 
ment  ?  The  House  of  Commons  thinks  that  Cromwell  ought  to  have 
one  of  them  because  he  was  a  "  distinguished  man."  The  Protector 
was  something  more  than  that ;  which,  if  it  alone  constituted  a  title  to 
a  statue,  would  be  a  sufficient  reason  for  conferring  that  honour  on  a 
great  many  persons  named  in  history.  Among  these  there  is  one  who 
has  at  least  as  good  a  right  to  be  represented  in  the  House  of  Commons 
as  the  constituencies  which  return  Mr.  Maguire,  Mr.  Pope  Hen- 
nessey, and  Sir  George  Bowyer.  Need  we  say  that  we  mean  Guy 
Fawkes  ?  The  effigy  of  that  worthy  has  never  yet  been  done  in 
marble  or  brass  •  and  fashioned  in  either  of  those  substances,  on  the 
traditionary  model,  it  would  form  a  suitable  companion  to  certain  other 
images  which  adorn  the  Temple  of  Collective  Wisdom.  Or,  con- 
structed of  its  usual  temporary  materials,  it  would  do  well  enough, 
and  he  quite  in  keeping  with  an  edifice  made  of  crumbling  stone,  which 
requires  continual  repair. 

There  are  several  reasons  why  Guy  Pawkes  should  have  a  Parlia- 
mentary statue.  He  would  afford  a  congenial  subject  to  the  British 
sculptor.  _  If  he  were  placed  in  a  suitable  situation,  his  lantern,  con- 
taining  a  jet  of  burning  gas,  would  serve  to  supply  legislators  retiring 
from  the  scene  of  their  labours  with  a  convenience  tor  righting  their 
cigars.  Guy,  moreover,  represented  in  his  customary  costume,  with 
its  familiar  appurtenances,  would  stand  a  silent  monitor  to  the  House 
of  Commons,  suggesting  to  Honourable  Gentlemen  the  idea  of  being 
blown  up,  winch  is  the  mildest  fate  that  some  of  them  deserve  for 
wasting  the  time  and  hindering  the  business  of  the  nation  by  their 
stupid  loquacity. 


A  Column  op  wuich  we  are  never  to  see  the  "  Sum  Tottle 
or  the  Whole."— The  Nelson  Column;  its  motto  might  appro- 
p  i!  tely  be  "  ~Ex  Nilo  nihil  fit." 


OUR  MUSICAL  POLICE. 

Mr.  Punch  has  been  officially  authorised  to  state  that  the  following 
is  not  the  proper  Programme  of  the  music  which  was  performed  in  his 
Arcadia  by  the  newly  started  bands  of  the  Police  : — 

1.  Overture.     "  We're  a  Band  of  Bobbies." 

2.  Stop  (Thief)  Waltz.     By  a  Member  of  the  Force. 

3.  Air  with  variations,  "  Till  so  gently  Stealing." 

4.  Pas  Redouble.     "  OJ}',  off,  said  the  Burglar."    (Sloper) 

5.  Fantasia  on  the  Rattle,  with  hobblegato  pedal  movement. 
G.  Galop.    The  Bull's  oye.     (Walker.) 

7.  March,  slow  time  :  illustrative  of  a  policeman  coming  up  when  wanted. 

S.  Selection  from  the  Beggar's  Opera,  followed  by  the  Tramp  chorus,  and  ending 

with  "  The  Rogue's  March,"  and  "  Go,  Idle  Boy,"  arranged  as  a  tremolo 

fugued  finale. 
9.  Serenade  (to  a  prisoner),  "  Here  in  Cool  Spot,  and  Mossy  Cell." 

10.  Quick  step.     "  To  the  Crank  !    To  the  Crank  !    Oh  come  there  with  me  .'" 

11.  Pot  Pourri  of  Popular  Airs,  including,  ( I )  "  The  Fox  he  stood  at  the  Area  Gate, " 

(2)  "Come  where  my  Cook  sits  Beaming,"  (3)  "  0  the  Cold  Mutton  of  England  !  " 
(i)"Clar  de  Kitchen."  (5)  finale,  agitato  molto  "The  Missus  is  Coming, 
Oh  dear!    Oh  dear!" 

12.  National  Anthem. 

"  Since  Teelers  first  at  Peel's  command 
Arose  to  end  Old  Charley's  reign, 
What  gallant  men  have  joined  the  Band 
Now  led  by  brave  Sir  Richard  Mayne  ! "  . 

Mr.  Punch  may  likewise  state  that  being  honoured  with  a  special 
invitation  so  to  do,  he  himself  "  attended  hearing  "  of  the  pieces  which 
were  played ;  and  he  begs  leave  to  congratulate  the  amateur  performers 
on  the  attention  which  they  paid  to  the  beat  of  their  Inspector — he 
means  to  say,  Conductor — and  the  skill  they  showed  in  following  the 
truncheon  which  he  waved.  Mr.  Punch  would  add  a  hope  that  in  all/ 
their  movements  harmony  may  constantly  prevail,  and  that  they  may 
always  be  found  to  act  in  concert,  whether  hi  taking  up  a  chord  or  in 
taking  up  a  tluef. 

Answer  Given  to  any  Question  at  the  Shortest  Notice. 

Mr.  Bernal  Osborne  was  anxious  to  know  what  the  duties  were 
under  the  office  recently  appointed  of  "  Instructor  of  Military  Cookery." 
It  must  De,  we  should  say,  for  the  purpose  of  "  cooking  the  accounts  ;  " 
or,  it  may  be,  to  teach  the  raw  recruits  how  properly  in  cooking  to 
make  a  mess  of  it ;  or,  again,  it  may  be  with  the  object  of  giving  those 
very  raw  recruits  a  good  dressing  every  time  they  deserve  it.  Osborne, 
my  little  dear,  you  pay  your  money  (that  is,  your  usual  ?>d.  for  this 
week's  number),  and  so  you  are  at  perfect  liberty  to  take  your  choice. 


a  hint  to  dr.  gray. 

When  'gainst  the  traveller  you  halloo, 
And  his  apes,  black  and  brown, 

You're  only  raising  a  shalloo, 
Not  putting  Chaillu  down. 


Gallant  Grtticism  on  Miss  Arabella  Goddard's  Playing.' 
Practice  made  Perfect. 


20 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


[July  13,  1861. 


EXTRAVAGANCE  IN  CUPID'S  GARDEN. 

As  down  in  Cupid's  Garden 

For  pastime  I  did  go, 
Considering  Fashion's  flowers 

Which  in  that  garden  grow : 

Which  in  that  garden  grow. 

I  see  a  fine  young  lady, 

And  unto  her  did  say, 
"  Beest  thee  engaged  to  e'er  a  young  Swell  ? 

Come  tell  me  now,  I  pray ; 

Come  tell  me  now,  I  pray?  " 

"  I  ben't  engaged  to  ne'er  a  young  Swell, 

I  'm  sorry  to  declare ; 
For  I  cost  so  much  in  Crinoline, 

And  the  other  things  I  wear ; 

And  the  other  things  I  wear." 


Swell  {who  has 

YOU  KNOW,  LOOK 
THESE  HA'r-ENC'E, 


received  Four 
here !     Hi ! 

YOU   KNOW  ?  ' 


Penn'orth  of  Coppers  in  Change).    "Here!    By  Jove, 
What  the  Deuce  ! — I  say— What  am  I  to  do  with 


TREMENDOUS  CREATION  OF  PEERS. 

Our  friend,  the  Morning  Star  having  abandoned  its  scrap 
of  daily  untruth  about  the  Lords  and  the  Paper  Duty,  now 
worries  the  Upper  House  in  a  way  which  Mr.  Punch  un- 
hesitatingly pronounces  to  be  serviceable  to  himself  and 
the  country.  It  gives  the  highest  and  lowest  number  of 
Lords  present  on  each  evening  of  debate.  But  such  statis- 
tics should  be  reliable.  Either  the  hot  weather  and  its 
necessary  correctives  must  have  acted  upon  the  visual 
organs  of  the  Star's  Tellers,  or  the  Queen  has  been  amusing 
her  leisure  by  an  enormous  creation  of  Peers.  For  on 
Thursday,  the  4th,  according  to  the  Star,  the  lowest  num- 
ber of  Peers  present  was  12,  and  the  highest  Six  Hundred 
and  Eighty-One.  Captain  Dod  made  up  the  Roll  of 
the  Lords  in  February  last,  and  counted  only  457  in  all. 
Will  the  Star  give  us  the  list  of  new  ones— the  odd  224  ? 
or  must  Punch  prepare  it  ?  Has  Our  Wiscount  "  gone 
up  "  among  the  lot  ? 


A  Curious  Biding  Habit. 

The  Reverend  Dr.  Tyng,  of  New  York,  informs  us 
that  Dr.  Cheever  has  "  his  neck  clothed  with  thunder." 
We  are  afraid  that  the  Doctor,  for  a  Minister,  dresses  a 
little  too  "  loud." 


THE  BOURBON  MEMORY. 

According  to  a  popular  proverb,  experience  confers  wisdom  on  a 
kind  of  persons  who  were  naturally  born  without  any.  Such  a  person 
apparently  is  the  one  who  penned  the  following  conclusion  of  a  letter 
addressed  to  the  editor  of  the  Union,  Parisian  journal,  and  dated  from 
Rome : — 

"  A  legitimate  and  strong  Government  supporting  itself  on  representative  insti- 
tutions is  the  only  one  which  can  render  liberty  compatible  with  order,  and  put  an 
end  to  the  profound  anarchy,  and  to  the  excesses  of  all  kinds,  which  foreign 
domination  causes  to  weigh  on  my  country. — Accept,  &c, 

"Francois  de  Bourbon,  Count  de  Trapani." 

When  a  Bourbon  regains  the  crown  which  he  had  lost,  he  is,  it  is 
said,  found  to  have  learned  nothing  and  forgotten  nothing.  This, 
perhaps,  is  a  mistake.  The  Bourbons  do  learn.  The  Count  de 
Trapani  is  a  Bourbon  who  has  learned  something.  He  has  learned 
that  the  best  of  all  political  systems,  especially  for  Naples,  is  "a  legiti- 
mate and  strong  government  supporting  itself  on  representative  insti- 
tutions.'' Should  his  family  ever,  unhappily,  be  restored  to  the  throne 
from  which  the  son  of  Bomba  was  obliged  to  bolt,  will  they  preserve 
those  ideas  concerning  constitutional  government  which,  if  he  correctly 
expresses  their  opinions,  they  entertain  at  present?  Will  they  re- 
member, in  prosperity,  the  convictions  on  the  subject  of  representative 
institutions  which  they  have  imbibed  in  adversity  ?  May  their  memory 
never  be  put  to  the  test ;  but  if  it  ever  is,  their  unlucky  subjects  will 
probably  find,  not  that  they  have  learned  nothing  and  forgotten  nothing, 
but  that  they  have  learned  something  and  forgotten  something :  namely, 
the  perception  which  has  been  acquired  by  the  Count  de  Trapani 
of  the  preferableness  of  government  founded  on  a  representative  basis 
to  tyranny. 

A  Secret  out  of  the  Prison-House. 

Women,  when  they  get  together,  talk  about  themselves,  or  their 
chddren,  their  servants,  then  dresses,  their  rivals,  their  conquests, 
their  pleasures ;  men,  when  they  get  together,  talk  of  notliing  but 
then  dear  wives ! 


ECONOMY  IN  DRESSING. 

Presiding,  the  other  day,  over  a  Meeting  hi  connection  with  the 
British  and  Foreign  School  Society,  Lord  John  Russell,  in  the  course 
of  a  Speech  from  the  Chair,  mentioned  that,  on  a  certain  occasion,  he 
went  with  the  Queen  to  iuspect  a  School  maintained  by  Her  Majesty 
in  Windsor  Park, when — 

"  In  the  girls'  school  there  was  an  examination  with  respect  to  the  mode  of  pre- 
paring rice-pudding  for  dinner.  The  girls  were  examined  as  to  the  component  parts 
of  a  rice-pudding,  and  how  they  were  put  together.  He  owned  that  the  subject 
was  quite  new  to  him.  (A  laugh.)  He  had  no  notion  that  it  was  so  complete  an 
affair  as  it  seemed  to  be.  (Laughter.)  But  he  could  well  understand  that  to  have  a 
good  rice-pudding  instead  of  a  bad  one  would  be  a  great  comfort  to  the  husband  and 
father  as  well  as  to  the  wife  and  children." 

It  is  to  be  wished  that  every  Establishment  for  Young  Ladies  would 
take  a  leaf  out  of  the  book  which,  by  the  above  showing,  is  especially 
studied  at  Her  Majesty's  School  in  Windsor  Park — namely,  the 
Cookery  Book.  If,  instead  of  thinking  only  how  to  dress  themselves 
to  the  best  advantage,  girls  of  the  middle  and  upper  classes  would  turn 
their  attention  to  dressing  food  in  the  nicest  possible  manner ;  if  they 
were  less  studious  of  dressing  for  dinner,  and  would  rather  devote 
themselves  to  dressing  the  dinner  itself,  they  would  afford  much  more 
satisfaction  than  they  do  to  their  parents  and  friends,  and  would  find 
much  less  difficulty  than  what  they  now  experience  in  getting  husbands, 
who  would  gladly  encourage  fnem  in  dressing  according  to  their 
station. 


The  Road  to  Ruin  5 


May  it  please  your  Holiness,  A  telegram  of  Mr.  Reuter's,  dated 
from  Naples,  informs  me  that : 

"  Six  hundred  brigands  have  left  Rome  for  the  Neapolitan  frontier." 

Go  it .  j  ]iave  tne  honour  to  be, 

Your  Holiness's  most  friendly  and  faithful  Adviser, 
Exeter  Hall,  July,  1861.  Punch. 


July  13,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


21 


__  -  i)     ^     \\  O^L.  i)L±  VV  A;  VV  /AX  1  V  \UM    II  UtJ  J  l> 


Cabby.  "Engaged,  Mum  ?    I  am  so,  Mum.     But  if  you'll  go  over  to  the  Spread  Ileagle,  they'll  Book  you  on  by  one  o'  Pickford's  Fast  Wans,  and 

you  ivon't  lose  no  time — get  there  quicker  than  I  could  !  " 


A  HINT  TO  THE  CLERGY. 

Certain  Parsons  have  been  making  a  complaint  that  they  lose 
Burial  Tees  by  reason  of  the  closing  oid  churchyards  and  the  opening 
new  cemeteries.  Here  is  a  hardship,  no  doubt,  but  we  have  not  much 
sympathy  with  those  who  arc  sending  round  the  coffin-plate  for  a  col- 
lection. But,  ever  humane,  Mr.  Punch  makes  a  suggestion  to  the  un- 
fortunate priests.  Surely  Marriage  Tees  are  not  only  better  things, 
but  pleasanter  things  to  take.  Why  do  not  the  clergv  try  to  extend 
this  source  of  income  ?  Young  men  hesitate  to  marry  because  young 
ladies — or,  rather,  young  ladies'  friends— have  extravagant  notions. 
Now  the  influence  of  the  Parsons  with  the— pooh— with  the  Crinolines, 
is  proverbial.  Young  and  old  women  listen  to  the  spiritual  director. 
Why  do  not  the  clergy  make  a  grand  push  in  favour  of  themselves  and 
of  Matrimony?  Let  them  go  to  work  in  earnest,  seconded  as  they 
will  be  by  all  the  male  laity,  man  milliners  excepted.  Let  them  publicly 
and  privately  preach  to  the  girls  and  their  mothers  that  we  want  Wives, 
and  not  machines  for  making  the  fortunes  of  tradesmen.  Let  us  hear  of 
courses  of  Sermons  to  the  Nubfle.  Would  a  brave  priest  refuse  to  church 
a  huge  Crinoline,  a  tremendous  blow  would  be  struck  at  extravagance 
in  dress — or  suppose  he  sent  away  a  couple  of  lavishly  adorned  God- 
mothers, on  the  obvious  ground  that  no  two  could  be  got  into  the  same 
christening  pew.  If  the  pet  and  other  Parsons  will  only  work  out  this 
idea,  Marriages  will  be  multiplied,  and  they  need  sigh  no  longer  for  a 
share  of  the  spoil  of  the  Ghoul,  the  greedy  undertaker.  Go  in,  not  for 
the  Knell,  beloved  pastors,  but  for  the  Wedding  Bells. 


The  Sear  Creatures, 


When  a  certain  Oriental  potentate  wants  to  ruin  one  of  his  principal 
subjects,  he  makes  him  a  present  of  a  White  Elephant,  which  the  poor 
man  is  obliged  to  keep,  and  by  which,  therefore,  he  is  soon  financially 
eaten  up.  In  this  country,  the  fashionable  Mamma,  who  contrives  to 
inveigle  a  soft  young  man  into  marriage  with  her  expensive  daughter, 
saddles  him  with  an  incumbrance  corresponding  exactly  to  the  White 
Elephant,  in  very  speedily  reducing  him  to  ruin,  and,  as  it  were,  eating 
him  out  of  house  and  home. 


PUNY  WHIPSTERS  THAT  ABE  APBAID  OE  WOMEN ! 

We  would  rather  not  be  at  Birmingham  at  the  present  moment,  for 
it  seems  that  the  whip-makers  are  all  busy  striking  there.  The  trade 
is  in  arms  against  the  introduction  of  women  into  it.  We  cannot 
approve  of  this  want  of  gallantry,  which  is  decidedly  opposed  to  the 
manly  sentiment  (always  good  for  three  rounds  of  applause  at  the  Old 
Coburg)  about  "Striking  a  lovely  woman  in  distress."  Perhaps  the 
cowards  are  afraid  that  the  first  use  the  women  might  turn  their  whips 
to  woidd  be  to  lay  them  right  well  across  their  selfish  backs  ;  and  the 
cowards  wovdd  deserve  it,  too,  for  thus  meaidy  trying  to  get  the  whip- 
hand  of  the  weaker  sex.  The  extreme  sensibility  of  the  fair  partners 
of  our  pains  and  puddings  might  probably  revolt  against  lending  them- 
selves as  willing  nistruments  to  the  possible  propagation  of  anything 
like  suffering  on  a  single  living  creature ;  otherwise,  we  do  not  see  why 
women  should  not  become  as  expert  in  the  whip-making  business  as 
men ;  and  we  all  of  us  can  bear  witness  to  the  success  that  generally 
attends  their  winning  efforts,  when  the  funds  of  an  institution  are 
getting  low,  or  a  charity  is  inoperative  for  the  want  of  larger  means, 
or  any  good  cause,  or  suffering  creature,  needs  sustenance  with  a  little 
money ;  for  who  let  us  ask,  on  such  benevolent  occasions,  is  so  clever, 
so  happy,  and  so  successful,  as  a  woman  in  "  making  a  whip  ? " 


Funning   at    Paris.—  From  our  Insane  Correspondent. 

"  The  Yankee  Clay  who  has  been  lately  fuming  against  England 
clearly  cannot  be  regarded  as  a  pipe  of  peace ;  but  we  as  clearly  may 
consider  that  his  words  are  all  smoke,  although  it  is  quite  certain  that 
he  has  no  backer." 

THE  DOGBERRY  OE  DEBATE. 

Quoth  Scully,  "I've  been  written  down  an  ass." 
"  Well,  so  you  are,  in  point  of  fact,"  said  Bass. 

Playfulness  against  Peesigny. — The  prosecution  of  the  Due  de 
Bboglie,  and  its  consequent  withdrawal,  is  familiarly  alluded  to  by 
the  Minister's  intimate  friends  as  Peesigny's  Im-Broglio. 


22 


PUNCH,  OR  THE -LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[July  13,  1861. 


THE    GOOD    SHIP    EUROPE'S    ROTTEN    CABLE. 


The  good  ship  Europe  rides  at  anchor, 

Shoals  upon  her  lee ; 
Mainsail,  topsails,  jib,  and  spanker, 

Close-reefed,  as  may  be. 
Heav'n  knows,  'tis  no  time  for  running 

Free  before  the  wind, 
Needs  both  crew's  and  pilot's  cunning 

Holding-ground  to  find  ; 
While  the  surf  the  ear  is  stunning, 

And  the  shingles  grind. 

Closer  still  the  shoals  environ, — 

Watch  on  deck  take  heed ! 
Pay  out  cable,  hemp  and  iron — 

Ne'er  was  direr  need  ! 
Revolution's  rock  to  larboard, 

Blood-red,  waits  its  prey ; 
Despotism's  cliffs,  to  starboard, 

Iron  walls  display ; 
Bides  the  Britain,  good  ship,  harboured, 

Safe  in  Freedom's  Bay  ! 

"  Tell  us,  Pilot,  what 's  the  cable 

Doth  the  ship  retain  ? 
Stout  the  stuff  must  be  that 's  able 

To  abide  the  strain ! . 
Strands,  if  hempen,  twisted  toughly — 

Links,  if  iron,  strong — 
Groaning,  grinding,  chafing  roughly, 

As  we  surge  along, 


While  the  breakers'  roar  falls  gruffly 
Beef  and  shoal  among?  " 

Quoth  the  Pilot,  with  a  shiver, 

"Cables !    Heav en  forf e n d 
We  should  trust  them,  to  deliver 

Us  from  evil  end. 
On  the  best- bower,  see  the  rotten 

Cable  chafe  and  fray, 
Prom  Saint  Peter's  bark,  when  gotten, 

'Twas  good  stuff,  they  say — 
As  well  trust  a  thread  of  cotton 

As  that  rope  to-day ! 

"  Then  Saint  Peter's  bark  was  tighter 

Than  our  ship,  I  trow; 
By  the  stern  she  floated  lighter, 

Lighter  by  the  bow. 
The  Apostle  he  might  rig  her 

Square  or  fore-and-aft ; 
But  the  good  ship  Europe 's  bigger, 

Heavier  of  draught, 
Tonnage  of  a  different  figure — 

Quite  another  craft ! 

"  Once  the  Saint  to  sea  could  venture 

With  a  priestly  crew, 
Now  we  cancel  each  indenture 

Where  a  priest 's  to  do. 


No  more  the  cross-keys  bedizen, 

As  of  old,  our  flag ; 
At  the  fore,  and  main,  and  mizen, 

Blows  another  rag,  _ 
While  Blue  Peter  we  imprison 

In  the  foul-clothes  bas ! 


"  Yet  they  call  Saint  Peter's  rope  here 

Europe's  stoutest  stay ! 
If  it  be,  Heaven  help  our  hope  here 

In  this  rock-girt  bay  ! 
Por  I  see  its  strands  a-parting 

Slowly  one  by  one ; 
Everywhere  its  hemp  is  starting, 

Botted,  rent,  undone — 
Por  our  trust  in 't  we  are  smarting, 

As  ashore  we  run ! 

"  So  much  for  the  best  bower  tackle, 

Truth  is  good  to  know, 
But  let  idlers  skulk  and  cackle 

In  the  hold  below. 
Gallant  lads  new  tackle  veer  up 

Prom  the  cable-tier, 
Lift  sad  hearts— sad  faces  clear  up 

With  a  lusty  cheer ; 
Yvrork,  and  hope  the  good  ship  Europe 

Still  may  stay  and  steer." 


A  CLUB-MAN'S   GRIEVANCE. 

We  are  requested  to  publish  the  following  correspondence  which 
has  passed  between  a  gentleman  about  town  and  the  Bight  Hon.  the 

ClIANCELLOB  01'  THE  EXCHEQUER: — 

I. 

"  Sin,  "  Areopagus  Club,  July  6///,  1861. 

"  I  am  not  a  '  determined  antagonist '  of  the  Income-Tax,  on 
the  contrary,  I  make  it  a  business  and  a  pleasure  to  get  out  of  the  way 
of  that  imposition  as  much  as  I  can-  The  oidy  trouble  I  give  the 
officials  charged  with  its  collection  is  the  putting  their  ridicidous 
documents  through  the  slit  in  the  door  of  my  chambers  in  the  Temple. 
My  respectable  laundress  is  charged  with  the  duty  of  taking  care  that 
mymind  is  not  diverted  from  my  legal  and  other  studies  by  any  irri- 
tation that  might  be  caused  by  the  perusal  of  those  objectionable 
rescripts. 

"But  it  has  occurred  to  me,  and  as  I  regard  the  subject  from  a 
position  of  impartiality,  my  suggestion  may  have  a  value  which  the 
reclamations  of  partisans  may  lack,  that  to  those  who  can  make  up 
then-  minds  to  pay  a  tax  of  questionable  morality,  a  certain  amount  of 
relief  may  properly  be  extended,  and  I  beg  to  call  your  attention  to 
the  point  in  question. 

"I  belong  to  Five  Clubs,  the  Areopagus  (from  which  I  have  the 
honour  of  writing),  the  Wombat,  the  Affable  Swells',  the  Junior 
United  Poker,  and  the  Pachydermatous.  The  subscription  to  these 
Clubs,  which  I  need  hardly  say  are  Necessaries  of  Life,  amounts  to 
about  £50  per  annum.  And  at  each  Club,  during  the  Pacing  Season, 
there  is  a  series  of  Sweepstakes,  to  which  it  is  not  imperative,  but 
highly  clubbable  to  subscribe.  Placing  this  outlay  at  the  most  mode- 
rate figure,  I  reckon  it  at  £25,  for  I  do  not  think  a  club-man  justified 
in  taking  more  than  one  chance  in  each  sweepstake. 

"  You  permit  the  deduction  of  Life  Assurance  Premiums,  whatever 
they  may  be,  and  of  sundry  other  payments,  from  the  amount  of 
Income  to  be  returned  to  your  Commissioners.  I  submit  that  a 
Member  of  London  Cmbs  should,  in  fairness,  be  allowed  to  deduct  his 
Club-Subscription  and  his  Sweepstakes,  which  are,  as  you  will  admit, 
necessary  to  his  London  existence. 

"For  the  reasons  which  I  stated  at  the  outset,  the  question  is 
divested,  for  myself,  of  all  but  public  interest,  and  I  write  in  the 
purest  spirit  of  patriotism. 

"  I  have  the  honour  to  be,  Sir, 

"  Yoiu'  very  obedient  Servant, 
"  The  Right  Hon.  W.  E.  Gladstone."  "  Oake  Spobter." 

ii. 

"  Sib,  "  The  Exchequer,  July  Wi. 

I  am  favoured  with  your  letter  of  to-day. 

_    "  The  Collector  for  your  district  has  by  this  time  received  explicit 

instructions  to  take  steps  calculated  to  relieve  you  from  the  unenviable 

position  of  a  defaulting  debtor  to  the  Crown  of  these  kingdoms, 


and  to  protect. you  from  again  finding  yourself  in  so  undesirable  a 
condition. 

"  I  should  not  be  justified  in  entering  upon  a  discussion  of  a  hypo- 
thetical character,  but  as  the  Income-Tax  will  in  future  have  a  lively 
and  personal  interest  for  yourself,  I  beg  to  say  that  you  will  find  your 
Five  of  Clubs  trumped  by  the  Queen,  and  that  the  supposed  necessity 
of  chawing  a  horse  for  the  Derby  must  not  be  taken  into  consideration 
in  presence  of  the  real  necessity  of  drawing  a  cheque  for  Mb.  Timms. 

That  no  appreciable  hardship  is  inflicted  upon  you  is  more  evident 
to  me  than  it  may  be  to  yourself',  but  I  must  leave  you  to  discuss  that 
point  with  Somerset  House.  I  would  only  suggest  that  the  withdrawal 
of  your  name  from  one  of  the  clubs  you  mention  would  not  only  enable 
you  to  meet  the  demands  of  the  State,  but  would  leave  you  a  surplus 
for  the  purposes  of  charity.  But  I  am  not  to  be  understood  as  recom- 
mending your  delaying  arrangement  with  Mb.  Timms  until  you  shall 
have  convinced  yourself  of  the  soundness  of  my  views,  as_  I  have  reason 
to  think  that  an  official  document  which  will  be  placed  in  your  hands 
within  a  few  hours  will  intimate  to  you,  on  Heb  Majesty's  part,  that 
the  exigencies  of  administration  will  not  permit  any  protracted  interval 
for  your  examination  of  the  question. 

"  I  have  the  honour  to  be,  Sir, 

"  Your  faithful  Servant, 

"  Oake  Spotter,  Esq."  "  W.  E.  Gladstone." 


Advice  to  Opera=Croers. 

Neveb  volunteer  to  take  any  lady  to  a  performance  which  you  are 
particularly  desirous  of  hearing,  for  fear  she  should  be  taken  ill  soon 
after  it  has  begun,  and  want  to  go  home.  The  observance  of  this  rule 
will  by  no  means  be  necessarily  mere  selfishness.  If  you  wish  to  be 
kind  to  her,  and  treat  her  to  an  opera,  do  so,  only  wait  till  you  are 
asked.  Then  you  will  fiud  that  she  will  not  fall  ill  at  the  theatre,  or  if 
she  does,  so  much  the  better,  as  far  as  your  entertainment  is  concerned  ; 
for  you  will  have  taken  her  to  hear  music  which  you  don't  care  about, 
and  from  which  you  will  be  glad  to  get  away. 


a  litebaby  anecdote. 

_  The  first  translation  of  Corinne  didn't  pay.  The  disappointed  pub- 
lisher, when  asked  liis  opinion  of  the  work,  not  caring  to  conceal  his 
disgust,  exclaimed,  with  the  most  contemptuous  psha!  "  Stael,  flat, 
and  unprofitable ! " — Nice  Young  Man's  Companion  for  Small  Tea, 
Parties. 

An  Obvious  Observation. 

It  cannot  be  denied  that  the  exhibition  which  Mb,  Scully  is 
alleged  to  have  lately  made  of  himself  in  the  House-  of  Commons  in 
complaining  of  the  way  in  which  his  tiresome  speeches  have  been 
reported,  and  improved,  was  very  numscully. 


THE    RE-ISSUE    OF    PUNCH. 

COMMENCED   IN  MARCH. 

Vols.  I.  to  V.,  in  Boards,  Price  5s.  each,  and  the  Volumes  for  1841  (Price  6s.),  1842,  and  1843,  Price  10s.  6d. 

each,  handsomely  bound  in  Cloth,  Gilt  Edges,  are  published. 


.*r">~ 


PUNCI     OFFICE,    85,    FLEET    STREET,    ®^| 

AND    SOLD   BY   ALL   BOOKSELLERS. 


This  Bay  is  Published,  Price  7s.  6d, 
THE    FOURTH    VOLUME     OF 

C    E  A         WE 

BRADBURY  &  EVANS,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI,  July  20,  1861. 


NEW  GENERAL  ATLAS. 

This  Day  is  Published,  in  Imperial  Folio,  half-bound 

in  llussia  or  Morocco,  Price  £b  15s.  Gd. 

THE     ROYAL    ATLAS    OF 

A  MODERN  GEOGRAPHY  ;  in  a  Series 
of  Entirely  Original  and  Authentic  Maps.  By  Alex. 
Keith  Johnston,  F.R.S.E.,  F.K.G.S.,  Geographer 
to  the  Queen  for  Scotland;  Author  of  the  "  Physical 
Atlas,"   "  The  Dictionary  of  Geography,"  &c. 

Beautifully  Engraved  and  Coloured  by  W.  &  A.  K. 
Johnston.  With  a  Complete  Index  to  each  Map, 
containing  References  to  nearly  150,000  Places  in 
this  Atlas. 

Wimiam  Blackwood  &  Sons,  Edinburgh  and 
London.    Sold  by  all  Booksellers. 

This  Day  is  Published, 

ANEW  TOURISTS'  MAP 
OF  ENGLAND  AND  WALES.  By 
Alex.  Keith  Johnston,  F.K.S.E.  Beautifully 
Engraved  and  Coloured  by  W.  &  A.  K.  Johnston. 
On  Two  Sheets,  Price  6*.;  or  on  Canvass  in  a  Pocket- 
Case,  with  Index  of  11,700  Names  of  Places  on  the 
Map,  8s. 

BY  THE  SAME. 

A    NEW    AND    ENLARGED 

EDITION  OF  TOURISTS'  MAP  OF  SCOT- 
LAND. On  Two  Sheets,  Price  fis. ;  or  on  Can- 
vass in  a  Pocket-Case,  with  Index  of  9,250  Names 
on  the  Map,  7s.  6d. 

A    MAP   OF    THE    UNITED 

STATES  OF  AMERICA.  On  Two  Sheets, 
Price  6s. ;  or  on  Canvass  in  a  Pocket-Case,  with 
Index  of  5,6?5  Names  on  the  Map,  Ss. 

III. 

A     MAP     OF    INDIA.     ON 

Two  Sheets,  Price  6s.;    or  on    Canvass   in    a 
Pocket-Case,  with  Index  of  7,500  Names  on  the 
Map,  8«. 
■William  Blackwood  &  Sons,  Edinburgh  and 
London. 

NEW  WORKS,  NOW  READY. 

HENRY  IV.   AND    MARIE 
DE  MEDICI.     By  Miss  Freer.    2  v. 

A  SAUNTER  THROUGH  THE 

WEST  END.    By  Leigh  Hunt.    1  v.    10s.  60. 

THE     OKAVANGO    RIVER: 

A  Narrative  of  Travel,  Exploration,  and  Adven- 
ture. By  Charles  J.  Andeksson,  Author  of 
"  Lake  Ngarm."  With  numerous  Illustrations. 
21*.    (Just  ready.) 

NOTHING  NEW.     BY    THE 

Author  of  "John  Halifax  Gentleman."  Illus- 
trated by  J.  E.  Millais,  A.R.A.    5s.  hound. 

THE  NEW  NOVELS. 

UNDER    THE    SPELL.     BY 

the  Author  of  "Grandmother's  Money,"  &c.  3  v. 
"  The  best  story  hitherto  written,  by  a  very 
pleasant  novelist." — Examiner. 

PAUL     FOSTER'S     DAUGH- 
TER.  By  Dutton  Cook.   3  v. 

A    FAMILY  HISTORY.    BY 

the  Author  of  "  The  Queen's  Pardon."    3  vols. 
HtrasT  &  Blackett,  Publishers. 

New  Pamphlet,  just  Published. 

-HER   POSITION 

AND  PROSPECTS. 

By  JOHN  ORRELL  LEVER,  M.P.    Price  2s.  M. 

Edward  Stanford,  6,  Charing  Cross. 

ISmo,  cloth,  4s.  6d.r  roan,  5s. 

BUCHANAN'S  (W.  M.)  TECH- 
nological  DICTIONARY,  explain- 
ing the  terms  of  THE  ARTS,  SCIENCES,  LITE- 
RATURE, PROFESSIONS  and  TRADES. 
London;  William  Tegg,  Pancras  La»e,  Queen 
Street,  Cheapside. 

EDDING   cards-for 

Lady  and  Gentleman — 50  each.  50 
Embossed  Enamelled  Envelopes,  with  Maiden  Name 
Printed  Inside,  13s.  Sent  free  for  Stamps.  A  Cop- 
per Plate  Engraved  in  any  Style,  and  50  Visiting 
Cards  for  2s.    Post  Free. 

T.  Culleton,  Seal  Engraver,  25,  Cranhourn  Street, 
Leicester  Square,  London,  W.C. 

TEETH! -MR.  ESKELX/S 
PATENT I!  !  Granted  1860.  8,  Lower 
Grosvenor  Street.  Artificial  Teeth  adapted  on  Mb. 
Eskell's  Patented  Process,  without  extracting 
Teeth  or  Stumps,  and  without  the  slightest  pain. 
One  set  lasts  a  lifetime.  "Mr.  Eskell's  patent  bids 
fair  to  stand  unrivalled  for  its  utility  and  economy." 
—Post.  "An  admirable  contrivance  for  remedying 
the  defects  of  nature  without  requiring  new  sets  of 
teeth."— Sun.  "Original  and  effective;  and  will, 
doubtless,  be  extensively  patronised."— Court  Circ. 
All  Consultations  Free.    8,  Lower  Grosvenor  Street. 

f  ONDON  AND  RYDER,  late 

MA  Hancock,  Goldsmith*  and  Jewellers, 
17,  New  Bond  Street,  respectfullyjnvite  the  notice 
of  the  nobility,  &c,  to  their  NewlStock  of  Elegant 
Jewellery.  Every  article  in  the  best  possible  taste, 
and  at  moderate  prices.  A  variety  of  novelties  spe- 
cially adapted  for  Wedding  Souvenirs.  Diamonds 
rearranged,  &c.  17,  New  Bond  Street,  corner  of 
Clifford" Street,    Established  30  Years. 


HEALTHY,   GLOSSY,   AND   CLEAN  HAIR  OBTAINED 

BY  USING 

SUTTON'S 
PALMA    CHEISTI    HAIR    WASH, 

The  virtues  of  Palma  Christi  Oil  as  an  invigorator  and  beautifier  of  the  Hair  have  been  acknow- 
ledged by  the  highest  authorities,  but  hitherto  it  has  not  been  brought  into  such  a  form  as  to  be 
both  beneficial  and  pleasant.  The  inventor  of  this  beautiful  Preparation  assures  the  Public  that 
it  contains  neither  acid  nor  alkali,  so  as  to  blanch  or  destroy  the  colour  of  the  Hair,  as  is  uni- 
versally the  case  with  other  washes,  but  is  a  pure  bland  solution  of  the  Oil  so  as  to  bring  it 
immediately  in  contact  with  the  roots  of  the  Hair.  The  effect  is  marvellous  in  remedying  scurf 
or  dandriff.  and  the  Hair  itself  is  left  rich  and  glossy  in  appearance,  and  never  becomes  harsh  or 
dry.  No  Pomade  or  Cosmetique  is  required  while  using  it.  For  the  Nursery  it  is  without 
exception  the  best  thing  in  use.  Since  its  introduction  four  years  ago  5,000  bottles  have  been 
sold  by  its  own  merits  only,  having  found  its  way  to  India,  China,  and  several  of  the  Colonies. 

PREPARED  SOLELY  BY  HARPER    &   SUTTON, 

CHEMISTS,  NORWICH. 

Every  Bottle  has  their  name  over  the  Cork.     Price  Is.  6d.,  3s.  6d.,  and  10s.  6d.  each. 

May  be  obtained  retail  of  all  Chemists  at  home  and  abroad,  and  Wholesale  at  the  Patent 

Medicine  and  Drug  Warehouses  in  London  and  elsewhere. 


PERSONS  of  any  age,  however  bad  their  writing,  may,  in  EIGHT  LESSONS,  acquire  per- 
manently an  elegant  and  flowing  Style  of  Penmanship,  adapted  either  to  professional 
pursuits  or  private  correspondence.  Arithmetic  on  a  method  requiring  only  one-third  the  time 
usually  requisite.  Book-keeping,  as  practised  in  the  Government,  Banking,  and  Merchants' 
Offices ;  Short-hand,  &c.  For  Terms,  &c,  apply  to  Mr.  SMART,  at  the  Institution,  97b, 
Quadrant,  Regent  Street  (corner  of  Swallow  Street),  London,  removed  from  No.  5,  Piccadilly. 

***  Caution.— No  connexion  with  parties  travelling  in  the  Provinces  assuming  the  name, 
copying  the  advertisements,  &c,  of  Mr.  William  Smart,  whose  only  address  is— 97  b,  Quadrant, 
Regent  Street,  London. 
ESTABLISHED  UPWARDS  OF  25  YEARS.— Private  and  Carriage  Entrance  in  Swallow  Street, 


LE      SOMMIER      ELASTIQUE      PORTATIE. 


HAVE  patented  a  method  of  making  a  Spring  Mattress  portable.  The  great  objection  to  the 
usual  Spring  Mattress  is  its  being  so  heavy  and  cumbersome.  The  "Sommier  Elastique 
Portatif "  is  made  in  three  separate  parts  ;  and,  when  joined  together,  has  all  the  elasticity  of 
the  best  SpriDg  Mattress.  As  it  has  no  stuffing  of  wool  or  horse-hair,  it  cannot  harbour  moth, 
to  which  the  usual  Spring  Mattress  is  very  liable ;  the  prices  also  are  much  below  those  of  the 
best  Spring  Mattresses,  viz. : — 


3  ft.  wide  by  6  ft.  4  in.  long £2    5    0 

3  ft.  6  in.  „        „  2  10    0 

4  ft.  2  15    0 


4  ft.  6  in.  by  6  ft.  4  in.  long £3    0    0 

5  ft.  „        ,, 3    5    0 

5  ft.  6  in.  „         3  10    0 


The  "  Sommier  Elastique  Portatif,"  therefore,  combines  the  advantages  of  elasticity,  dura- 
bility, cleanliness,  portability,  and  cheapness.    An  ILLUSTRATED  CATALOGUE  of  Bedsteads, 
Bedding,  and  Bed-Room  Furniture,  sent  free  by  post  on  application. 
HEAL  &  SON,  196,  Tottenham  Court  Road,  W. 


eLENFIELD  PATENT 
STARCH,  Used  in  the  Royal  Laundry, 
and  Pronounced  by  Her  Majesty's  Laundress,  to  be 
the  Fiuest  Starch  she  ever  used.  Sold  by  all  Chan- 
dlers, Grocers,  &c.  &c. 

Wothebspoon  &  Co.,  Glasgow  and  London. 


J  UXURIANT     WHISKERS, 

■™  Moustaches,  and  Eyebrows,  produced 
in  a  few  weeks  by  the  use  of  ELLIOTT'S  TONIC 
LOTION,  the  stimulative  properties  of  which  are 
unfailing  in  its  operation.  Thomas  Elliott  invites  a 
trial  from  the  most  sceptical,  that  they  may  be  con- 
vinced of  its  infallible  power.  Price  3*.  6d.t  hs.fid., 
10s.  6rf.,  and  21s.  Forwarded  on  receipt  of  postage 
stamps.  Thomas  Elliott,  Hair  Grower  (first floor), 
51,  ienchurch  Street,  E.C.    T.  E.'s  Wigs,  30*. 


IMPORTANT 


ANNOUNCEMENT. 


METALLIC  PEN   MAKER  TO  THE   aUEEN, 

BY  ROYAL  COMMAND, 

JOSEPH    GILLOTT 

"DEGS  most  respectfully  to  inform  the  Commercial  "World,  Scholastic  Institutions,  and  the 
public  generally,  that  by  a  novel  application  of  his  unrivalled  Machinery  for  making  Steel  Pens,  and  jn  accordance 
with  the  scientific  spirit  of  the  times,  he  has  introduced  a  new  series  of  his  useful  productions,  which,  for  excel- 
lence of  temper,  qualitt  op  matebial,  and,  above  all,  cheapness  in  price,  he  believes  will  ensure  universal 
approbation,  and  defy  competition.  Each  Pen  bears  the  impress  of  his  name  as  a  guarantee  of  quality ;  and  they  are 
put  up  in  the  usual  style  of  boxes,  containing  one  gross  each,  with  label  outside,  and  t lie  fae  simile  of  his  signature. 
At  the  request  of  persons  extensively  engaged  in  tuition,  J.  G.  has  introduced  his  WARRANTED  SCHOOL  AND 
PUBLIC  PENS,  which  are  especially  adapted  to  their  use,  being  of  different  degrees  of  flexibility,  and  with  fine, 
medium,  and  broad  points,  suitable  for  the  various  kinds  of  Writing  taught  in  Schools.  Sold  Retail  by  all  Stationers, 
Booksellers,  and  other  respectable  Dealers  in  Steel  Pens.  Merchants  and  Wholesale  Dealers  can  be  supplied  at  the 
Works,  Graham  Street;  96,  New  Street,  Birmingham; 

No.  91,  JOHN  STREET,  NEW  YORK;  and  at  37,  GRACECHURCH  STREET,  LONDON,  E.C. 


SLACKS    SILVER    ELECTRO-PLATE    IS    A    COATING    OE 
STERLING  SILVER  OVER  NICKEL,  and  the  best  Substitute  ever  invented.  Manufactured 
solely  by  RICHARD  and  JOHN  SLACK. 

Table  Forks  or  Spoons  £1  10  0  Strongest  Plated  £1  18  0  per  dozen. 

Shell  Pattern  Spoons  or  Forks,  as  engraving,  £1  12  0  and  £2  2  0. 
Every  article  for  the  Table  as  in  Silver.     Old  goods  re-plated  equal  to  new.     Catalogues  with 
Engravings  free  by  Post.     Orders  above  £2  Carriage  free. 

RICHARD  and  JOHN  SLACK,  336,  Strand,  opposite  Somerset  House. 


CRYSTAL    PALACE.-M. 

V  BLONDIN.  It  is  with  much  pleasure 
it  is  announced  that  arrangements  have  been  made 
with  M.  Blondin  to  give  an  EXTRA  SINGLE 
PERFORMANCE  on  the  TIGHT-ROPE  (raised 
only  a  few  feet  from  the  ground)  of  those  truly  mar- 
vellous feats  which  he  performed  at  the  private  dis- 
play in  the  Terrace  Dining-room  on  Friday,  June  21st, 
and  which  then  excited  so  much  astonishment  and 
elicited  such  extraordinary  and  unanimous  marks  of 
approval  from  the  representatives  of  the  press  and 
others  then  present.  The  performance  will  take 
place  on  a  stasre  erected  for  the  purpose  in  the  Centre 
Transept,  on  Wednesday,  24th  July,  commencing  at 
three  o'clock  precisely,  and  terminating  before  five 
o'clock. 

Admission  by  season  tickets,  or  by  day  tickets,  or 
on  payment  of  half-a-crown  each.  Numbered  re- 
served stalls,  immediately  in  front  of  the  stage,  or 
in  the  side  galleries,  five  shillings  each;  unnum- 
bered reserved  seats,  immediately'behind  the  stalls, 
half-a-crown.  Tickets  for  admission,  stalls  and  re- 
served seats,  on  sale  at  the  usual  agents,  at  the 
Crystal  Palace,  or  at  2,  Exeter  Hall. 

%*  This  performance  will  not  be  repeated  by 
M.  Blondin;  those  who  desire  to  witness  it  are 
recommended  to  make  early  application  for  tickets, 
particularly  for  stalls,  which  must  be  limited  in 
number. 


HORSES  PREVENTED 
RUNNING  AWAY,  by  using  the 
Patent  Safety  Spring  Reins;  act  instantly  on  a 
Curb  or  Chifney  Bit,  or  for  horses  that  will  not  face 
a  curb,  8*.  to  *12s.  a  pair.  Gutta  Percha  Anti-crib- 
biting  Straps,  18s.;  lOOninuse.  Gutta  Percha  Jockey, 
for  breaking  horses  easy  mouthed,  56s.  to  f»0*.;  or  on 
hire,  2s.  a  week;  2,800  in  use.  Springs  for  Girths, 
Rollers,  &c,  2«,  Fetlock,  Speedy,  Leg,  Knee,  Ring 
boots,  &c.  Blackwell,  Patentee,  Saddler,  &c.,259, 
Oxford  Street,  W. 


GARDNERS  2.2  6 


PIANOFORTES  FOE  HIEE 

ti  (Carriage  free,) 

of  every  description,  with  option  of  purchase. 

PEACIIEY'S   Extensitb    Showhooms, 

73,  Bishopsgate  Street  "Within,  B.C. 

*.*  Grand  Pianos  (first  class)  for  Concerts.  So. 

WE.    MARKWELL,    WINE 

ASX  Merchant  to  Her  Majesty,  Nos.  35  to 
40,  and  45,  Albemarle  Street,  and  4,  Stafford  Street, 
Piccadilly,  London,  W.  Naval  and  Military  Messes 
supplied.  Receipts  for,  and  Compounds  of,  Ameri- 
can Drinks.  The  still  and  sparkling  Catawba.  The 
Californian  Champagne,  54s.  per  dozen.  Red  and 
white  Hungarian  Wines,  30s.  and  upwards  per  doz. 
The  celebrated  aromatic  Scheidain  Schnapps. 
S  tough  ton  &  Sickles*  Bitters.  Bourbon,  Mononga- 
hela,  and  Old  Dominion  Whiskies. 

TCE  AND  EEFRIGEEATORS. 

M,  GEO.  SIMPSON  begs  to  state  that  he 
has  this  Season  perfected  his  well-known  REFRI* 
GERATORS  by  the  construction  of  an  invisible 
water  tank  (for  iced  water),  so  combined  that  the 
whole  interior  of  the  ice  chest  is  available  for  the  ice 
and  provisions.  Pure  block  Ice,  r>s.  per  100lb.;  rough 
ice,  '6s. Gd.  per  100  lb.:  delivered  in  town.  Freezing 
machines  to  be  used  with  or  without  ice,  freezing 
powders,  seltzogenes  (for  making  soda-water), 
niters,  &c. 

Geo.  Simpson,  Manufacturer,  315,  Oxford  Street, 
near  Harewood  Gates.    Established  1842. 

GHTJBB'S  LOCKS, 
with  all  the  newest  improvements  ; 
strong  fireproof  safes,  cash  and  deed  boxes.  Com- 
plete list  of  sizes  and  prices  may  be  had  on  applica- 
tion.— Chubb  &  Sos,  57,  St.  Paul's  Churchyard, 
London;  28, Lord  Street, Liverpool;  Ifi,  Market  Street, 
Manchester;  and  Horseley  Fields,  Wolverhampton. 

PRIZE  MEDAL,  PARIS  EXHIBITION,  1355. 

METCALFE,  BINGLEY, 
&  Co.'s  New  Pattern  Tooth  Brushes, 
penetrating  unbleached  Hair  Brushes,  improved 
Jt'lesh  Brushes,  and  genuine  Smyrna  Sponges,  with 
every  description  of  Brush,  Comb,  and  Perfumery, 
13ub,  and  131,  Oxford  Street.  Metcalfe's  cele- 
brated Alkaline  Tooth  Powder,  2s.  per  box. 

EMOLLIENT  VEGETABLE 
SOAP,  possesses  that  rare  quality  of 
being  a  perfectly  pure  and  innocuous  Soap.  By  its 
use  the  skin  becomes  perceptibly  soft  and  clear, 
and  its  grateful  fragrance  renders  it  universally 
acceptable.    Is.  each,  or  10s.  per  dozen. 

H.  Kigge,  35,  New  Bond  Street. 


FURNITURE 

CARRIAGE  FREE 

To  any  part  of  the  Kingdom, 

ILLUSTRATED   AND   PRICED   CATALOGUES 

Forwarded  Gratis  and  Post  Free  on  Application. 

P.  &  S.    BEYFUS, 
91  to  95,  City  Road. 

THE  NEW  COLOUR  FOB,  GENTLEMEN'S  DRESS. 

•»  Imperial  Blue  is  now  ready  in  every  variety  of  Morning  Suits,  and  Overcoats,  at  H.  J.  and 
D.  NICOLL'S,  No.  114,  Regent  Street,  22,  Cornhill,  and  10,  St.  Ann's  Square,  Manchester. 

KNICKERBOCKERS— IN  THE  "  CORNHILL  MAGAZINE  "  OF 
October,  I860,  the  above  costume  is  described  in  the  following  terms : — "Knickerbockers, 
surely  the  prettiest  boy's  dress  that  has  appeared  these  hundred  years."  In  order  to  place  this 
great  improvement  in  BOYS'  DRESS  within  the  reach  of  all  well-to-do  families,  Messes. 
NICOLL  now  make  the  costume  complete  for  Two  Guineas.  There  is  a  large  selection  of  Pale- 
tots, Overcoats,  and  other  Garments,  prepared  for  Young  Gentlemen  coming  home  for  the 
holidays.  Messrs.  H.  J.  and  D.  NICOLL  have  adapted  the  Knickerbocker  Dress  for  Boys  (about 
three  years  of  age),  as  the  First  Cloth  Suit  on  leaving  off  the  petticoat  dress  ;  the  cost  varying 
from  one  guinea.  Sample  Suits  with  the  necessary  under  clothing,  &c.,  may  now  be  inspected, 
or  the  same  will  be  forwarded  on  application,  if  accompanied  with  a  reference  in  town. 
H.  J.  and  D.  NICOLL,  114,  Regent  Street ;  22,  Cornhill;  and  10,  St.  Ann's  Square,  Manchester. 


SIMPSON  &  Co., 

Whip  Mahufactubebb, 
314,  Oxford  Street,  London. 

Agents.— All  Saddlers  in  every  Country  Town. 
A  large  assortment  of  the  following  GOODS  always 
in  stock:— Spurs,  dog  chains,  couples  and  collars, 
greyhound  slips,  whittles,  ferret  bells,  dog  bells  and 
muzzles,  drinking  flasks,  Sandwich  cases,  hunting 
and  post  horns,  tourist  kegs,  birdcalls,  &c.  &c. 

ANTED    LEFT-OFF 

CLOTHES  FOR  AUSTRALIA, 
Good  or  Inferior.  Me.  and  Mas.  JOHN  ISAACS, 
319  and  320,  Strand,  Opposite  Somerset  House,  con- 
tinue giving  the  Highest  Price,  in  cash,  for  Ladies' 
aud  Gentlemen's  Clothes,  also  Regimentals,  Boots, 
Books,  Linen,  Underclothing,  Plate,  Watches,  and 
Jewellery,  and  in  fact  Anything.  Letters  addressed 
as  above  instantly  attended  to.— N.B.  All  Parcels, 
large  or  small,  from  the  country,  the  utmost  value 
returned  by  Post  Office  Order  the  same  day. 


July  20,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


23 


Fair  Equestrian. 


Now,  don't  be  a  cross  Old  Punch  ;  we  realli:  won't 
spoil  the  Beauty  of  the  Gardens." 


THE  BELGRAVIAN  LAMENT ! 

(On  the  Last  Nights  of  "  Colleen  Baicri") 

Oh  !  Colleen  Bawn,  why  leave  me  frowning 

Alone  in  London  without  you  ? 
Just  thirteen  timesl've  seen  you  drowning — 

Because — I  nothing  else  could  do. 
The  theatres  late  are  open  keeping, 

To  try  and  bring  out  something  new  ; 
But  my  mother  never  sets  to  weeping, 

As  she  does,  sweet  diving  belle,  with  you. 

Oh  !  Colleen  Bawn,  &c, 

THE  STRAND  LAMENT ! 

(On  the  same  Occasion.) 

How  that  pretty  piece  was  made  to  draw,  dear, 

And  that  pretty  star  was  made  to  shine — 
And  a  pretty  lot  of  times  you  're  drown' d,  dear — 

Last  night  it  made  two -twenty-nine  ! 
That  wicked  Webster  here  is  snarbng— 

He  takes  your  loss  to  heart,  d  'ye  see  ; 
Could  he  drown  you  oftener,  Colleen  darling, 

Why  then  transported  he  would  be  ! 

Oh  !  Colleen  Bawn !  &c. 


Policemen  Should  Mind  their  Letters, 

"  Mr.  Policeman  Z.  presents  his  compliments  to  Mr. 
Fanch,  and  begs  to  complain  that  some  of  the  newspapers 
have  been  writing  about  '  Pantry  Evictions.'  _  Surely^ 
Sir,  it  would  seem  to  me  that  this  must  be  a  mistake  of 
the  printers,  for  I  hope  and  trust  it  will  be  a  long  time  ere 
the  force,  to  which  1  have  the  honour  of  belonging,  hear 
anything  about  evictions  from  the  Pantry ! " 

[It  is  Mr.  Punch's  belief  that  the  above  mistake  cannot  be  ac- 
counted for  otherwise  than  by  charitably  supposing  that  Policeman  Z. 
was  labouring  at  the  time  under  some  strange  erratic,  or  area-tic, 
wandering.  Purposely,  for  a  small  joke,  to  confound  Partry  with 
Pantry,  Mr.  Punch  calls  Paltry.] 


PUNCH'S    ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

July  S,  Monday.  We  must  indeed  be  near  the  end  of  the  Session, 
for  the  Lords  had  so  little  to  occupy  them  that  they  endured  a  dis- 
cussion on  the  Education  of  the  People,  and  a  very  good  debate  it  was, 
"inaugurated"  (as  the  penny-a-liners  say  of  the  opening  of  a  new 
Dubbc-house)  by  a  well-prepared  speech  from  Lord  Lyttelton. 
Lords  Granville  and  Brougham  also  spoke,  and  the  Duke  of 
Newcastle  made  a  _  spirited  defence  of  the  excellent  and  elaborate 
report  of  the  Education  Commissioners,  and  observed,  for  the  benefit 
of  the  Bishop-Maker,  that  although  the  Commissioners  had  not 
indulged  in  glowing  phrases  about  rebgion,  they  had  fully  recognised 
the  fact  that  the  nation  appreciates  the  value  of  other  teaching  besides 
that  which  is  merely  secular.  The  Bishop-Maker  made  no  reply,  but 
doubtless  "  thought  the  more." 

Downstairs,  Lord  Elcho  showed  that  he  was  not  so  much  occupied 
with  the  Wimbledon  Bifle  Meeting,  at  which  Mr.  Punch  saw  him  in 
the  excess  of  glory  (and  by  the  way,  hurra,  Jopling  !  hurra,  Champion 
Shot  of  England !— your  health,  our  son  !),  as  to  be  unmindful  of  other 
elevations  _  than  those  of  Rifles.  He  assailed  the  designs  for  the 
new  Foreign  Office,  and  contended  that  what  is  called  Palladian 
— because,  bke  Pallas,  it  has,  in  this  case,  sprung  from  the  brain 
of  Jupiter -Pam  —  is  not  so  much  to  be  admired  as  Gothic. 
Cowper— his  Winter  Walk  at  Noon  is  an  excellent  thing,  not  so  his 
Summer  Bide  in  Kensington  Gardens — took  the  other  side,  of  course, 
as  might  be  expected  from  Jupiter's  step-son,  and  declared  that  the 
style  which,  under  Jupiter's  decree,  Mr.  Gilbert  Scott  had  been 
qbbged  to  adopt,  was  truly  National.  Perhaps  he  meant  that  it  was 
like  that  of  the  National  Gallery,  which  was  not  the  very  highest 
praise  that  could  have  been  awarded.  Mr.  Layard,  by  way  of  show- 
ing that  his  friends'  "advanced  intellects"  of  Southwatrk  have  not 
destroyed  his  admiration  for  antiquity,  made  a  fight  for  Gothic,  and 
asserted  that  of  all  styles  it  was  the  best  calculated  for  the  admission 
of  light.  One  Milton  has  described  it  somewhat  differently,  but  it  is 
perfectly  true  that  domestic  and  ecclesiastical  Gothic  are  as  different 
things  as  claret  and  port.  Mr.  Tite,  as  one  whose  fame  chiefly  rests 
on  Itaban  architecture,  spoke  up  for  that  style  but  he  gracefully 
defended  the  late  Sir  Charles  Barry,  in  regard  to  the  Parliament 
Houses  ;  and  it  was  pleasant  to  hear  one  veteran  architect  championing 
the  fame  of  another.  Lord  John  Manners  described  Mr.  Scott  as 
the  First  of  the  Goths,  and  complained  that  he  should  have  been  driven 


into  a  style  not  his  own,  and  Mr.  Osborne  civilly  intimated  to  the 
House  that  it  would  do  well  to  distrust  itself,  for  that  it  had  shown  its 
great  capabibties  of  blundering  over  architectural  matters  ;  and  then 
Jupiter-PAM  made  a  very  long  speech,  much  longer  than  he  _  usually 
bestows  on  a  foreign  nation,  or  any  such  trifle.  He  declared  his  undy- 
ing and  unalterable  attachment  for  Italian  architecture,  and  patted 
himself  on  the  head  for  havmg  sent  away  Mr.  Scott's  Gothic  designs 
twice,  desiring  Mm  to  do  something  Itaban,  which  indeed  Jupiter  was 
good  enough  to  consider  had  been  capitally  done.  The  House  is  sore 
on  the  Gothic  question,  for  the  expense  of  the  New  Palace  has  been 
monstratious,  and  the  old  gentlemen  are  always  tumbbng  over  one 
another  and  the  palace-maids'  dust-pans  in  ithe  "  dem'd  religious 
light"  of  Sir  Charles's  passages.  These  considerations,  and  Jupiter- 
Pam's  nod,  floored  Lord  Elcho  and  his  Goths  by  188  to  98 ;  and  our 
Foreign  Affairs  will  be  transacted  under  an  Itaban  roof,  _  which_  the 
King  of  Italy  may,  if  he  likes,  accept  as  a.delicate  compliment  from 
England. 

After  Estimates  there  was  another  little  battle  on  the  Seats  Bill,  and 
as  the  Government  had  favoured  the  selection  of  Pontefract  for  a 
polling-place,  the  House  followed  up  its  policy  of  opposing  everything 
the  Government  do  on  this  question,  and  by  107  to  91  declared  that 
Pontefract  should  not  be  the  place,  but  that_  Wakefield  should— 
a  curious  coincidence  being  that  Wakefield  is  just  now  bung  up  in 
terrorem,  for  the  most  owdacious  corruption. 

Tuesday.  The  Lords  discussed  the  East  India  Council  Bill.  Lord 
Ellenborough  thought  that  it  was  far  too  large  a  measure,  and  Lord 
Lyveden  (Vernon  Smidjth)  wished  that  Sir  C.  Wood  had  drawn  it 
a  little  milder.  On  the  other  hand,  Lord  Derby  thought  that  a  little 
Parliament  was  not  the  thing  to  govern  a  vast  empire  like  India.  But 
the  question  is  virtually  left  to  the  Westminster  Hotel  Company 
(limited),  or  at  least  to  the  great  guest  who  has  mopped  up  so  many  of 
the  best  rooms  in  the  metropobtaii  improvement. 

Downstairs,  Mr.  Baillie  Cochrane  had  a  grievance  on  behalf  of 
some  Reserved  Captains,  but  it  did  not  interest  the  House  enough  to 
induce  a  vote  that  should  transfer  their  reserve  into  joviabty,  and  by 
60  to  33  Cocky  was  sat  upon.    Then  more  Civil  Estimates. 

Wednesday.  "If  it  were  not  Sunday,"  said  Sir  Francis  Baring, 
"  what  should  we  do  with  people  who  get  up  fictitious  Savings'  Banks  ? 
I  want  to  put  down  all  banks  not  regularly  certified."  "  If  it  were  not 
Sunday,"  replied  Mr,  Henley,  "I  should  object  to  further  inter- 
ference, and  should  say  that  many  small  unpretending  banks  do  a  great 


VOL.  XII. 


24 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[July  20,  1861. 


deal  of  stood."  "  If  it  were  not  Sunday,"  said  the  Home  Secretary, 
"  I  should  oppose  new  penal  legislation  on  such  a  matter."  Alter  some 
more  anti-Sabbatarian  debate,  Sin  Francis  in  a  huff,  and  with  a  good 
scold  at  Ministers  for  alleged  inconsistency,  withdrew  his  Bill.  The 
House  then  proceeded  to  the  regular  religious  duties  of  the  day.  Me. 
Hubbard  urged  the  necessity  of  a  rational  settlement  of  the  Church 
Rate  question,  and  withdrew  his  own  Bill  as  one  means  to  that  desirable 
end.  Sib  John  Tbelawney  was  a  little  high,  but  civd,  and  called  on 
the  Conservatives  to  make  up  their  minds  on  the  subject  against  next 
Session.  That  eminent  Nonconformist,  Mb.  Tom  Buncombe,  was 
warm  in  his  protests  against  a  rate  that  troubled  his  conscience,  and 
Sib  John  Bakikgton's  trumpet  sounded  answer  to  Sib  John  Tbe- 
lawney, and  the  former  Baronet  informed  the  latter  that  the  anti- 
church  rate  folk  had  been  smashed  ever  since  they  had  declared  that 
they  desired  to  bring  down  not  only  rate  but  church,  and  that  this 
would  continue  to  be  their  fate,  unless  they  respected  the  love  of  the 
people  for  the  church  of  their  fathers.  Later  in  the  van,  Mb.  Ceoss's 
Bill  was  also  withdrawn,  and  now  the  Churchmen  and  Dissenters  had 
better  take  off  then  coats,  and  think  as  hard  as  they  can  how  to  settle 
a  question  which  involves  very  little  money  and  very  much  irritation. 

Thursday.  Nobmanby  didy  snubbed,  as  usual — something  about 
Whitby,  which  place  it  seems  the  inhabitants  wish  to  convert  into  a 
fashionable  watering-place.  Mr.  Punch  has  lately  had  the  privilege  of 
reading  a  good  deal  of  the  written  minstrelsy  of  that  neighbourhood 
and  of  the  nautical  interest  of  the  coast,  and  as  it  nearly  all  consists  of 
desperate  abuse,  hi  patois,  he  suggests  that  the  Whitby  Warbler  will 
require  re-editing  before  civilisation  can  make  much  progress.  The 
collier-bards  are  very  outspoken,  but  "there  is  a  form  m  these  things, 
Madam,  there  is  a  form."  As  for  that  old  fribble,  Nobmanby,  he 
would  faint  into  the  nearest  coal-skuttle  before  the  first  verse  of  one  of 
these  ditties  had  been  finished  in  his  hearing.  Lord  Redesdale 
expressed  his  wish  to  have  Leicester  Square  cleared  of  the  Great  Globe 
and  the  dead  cats,  and  also  that  the  foreigners  should  be  told  to  behave 
themselves  more  seemingly,  and  Loed  Gbanville  promised  that  the 
demand  should  be  attended  to. 

"  B,oundell  Palmee  took  liis  seat, 
So  his  triumph  is  complete, 
For  he  told  eacli  Zetland  thrall 
He  was  not  a  Wing  at  all ; 
But,  on  Bam's  express  petition, 
He  had  joined  the  Coalition." 

Emulous  of  the  Lords,  the  Commons  got  upon  Education,  discussed 


the  subject  at  great  length,  voted  £643,794  for  schools,  and  did  some- 
thing for  salmon. 

Friday.  Loed  Stbatford  is  very  anxious  that  we  should  begin  to 
advise  the  new  Sultan  ;  but  the  Government  think  that,  like  the  man 
in  Measure  for  Measure,  he  should  be  permitted  to  continue  in  his  evil 
courses  until  we  know  what  they  are.  A  Bill  for  enabling  landlords  to 
borrow  money  to  improve  labourers'  cottages  did  not  please  their  Lord- 
ships, and  it  was  rejected  by  16  to  13.  A  similar  fate  attended  the 
Book  Unions  Bill,  which  proposed  to  permit  the  lottery  principle 
recognised  in  Art  Unions  to  be  acted  upon  by  book  associations.  But 
Lord  Grey  was  so  dreadfully  afraid  that  this  permission  would  encou- 
rage gambling,  that  he  opposed  the  measure,  as  did  Loed  Gbanville. 
We  cannot  understand  why  people  should  be  allowed  to  subscribe  to  a 
lottery  that  can  give  them  only  a  high-class  picture  or  beautiful 
statuette,  and  yet  not  be  permitted  to  indulge  the  nobler  ambition  of 
obtaining  a  voliune  of  Punch.    But  the  Lords  know  best,  of  course. 

Mb.  Slaney  wishes  that  the  public  should  be  allowed  to  walk  on  the 
terrace  in  the  river  front  of  Somerset  House  ;  but  Me.  Cowpeb, 
though  very  anxious  to  make  walks  (and  rides),  is  afraid  that  the  young; 
ladies  will  disturb  the  clerks,  and  make  them  put  up  ha'porths  of 
audits  and  other  sweetmeats  instead  of  penn'orths.  Loed  John 
Bussell  said  that  we  had  reason  to  complain  of  the  Belgians  for  not 
carrying  out  the  new  Treaty,  and  he  complained  accordingly ._  Some 
claims,  arising  out  of  a  little  difnculty  we  had  with  Denmark  in  1807, 
were  brought  up  by  Me.  Macaulay,  whose  name  excuses  his  plunging 
into  history  for  a  grievance ;  but  really  the  line  must  be  drawn  somewhere, 
or  Mr.  Punch  will  be  justified  in  bringing  forward  a  claim  for  compen- 
sation for  a  serious  wrong  that  was  done  to  one  of  his  ancestors  at  the 
time  of  the  passing  the  Heptarchy-Amalgamation  Act.  Athebton, 
the  new  A.-G.,  had  the  opportunity  of  making  his  first  speech  in  that 
capacity,  and  of  overthrowing  Macaulay. 

Then  came  the  Third  Reading  of  the  Bill  for  enabling  votes  to  be 
sent,  Avhen  the  Universities  elect.  Out  came  Beelides,  with  strong 
opposition  to  it.  Now,  it  would  be  unkind  to  say  that  Beelides,  who 
is  about  to  leave  Oxford  for  a  northern  constituency,  is  angry  with  the 
University  for  not  painting  the  Radcliffe  and  the  steeple  of  St.  Mary's 
black,  in  honour  of  his  departure ;  but  it  would  have  been  prettier  in 
him  to  say  something  elegant  and  touching  in  favour  of  constituencies 
like  his  own.  However,  he  did  no  harm,  for  the  House  had  intended 
to  pass  the  Bill,  and  this  intention  was  confirmed  by  Loed  Balmee- 
ston  also  speaking  against  it.  The  Government  opposed  the  mea- 
sure, and  the  House  of  course  carried  the  Third  Reading  by  165  to  80— 
majority  against  Ministers,  85  :  a  pleasant  finish-up  of  the  week's  work. 


AND 


WRONG. 


ROM  a  Foreign  Corre- 
spondent we  learn  that, 
in  the  environs  of  Bingen 
on  the  Rhine,  the  wine 
of  1860,  which  is  of  very 
bad  quality,  is  retailed 
under  the  name  of  Dal- 
wigk,  the  unpopular  mi- 
nister of  Hesse,  whilst 
;  -\  that  of  the  previous 
year's  vintage,  which  is 
excellent,  is  sold  bearing 
^  the  denomination  of  Ga- 
.  eibaldi.  This  might  give 
«.  YJ  our  brewers  a  hint ;  those 
0^%"  of  them  who  still  continue 
to  brew  good  beer.  Fine 
sound  old  Ale  (not  bitter) 
might  find  popular  favour 
under  the  name  of  Bal- 
mebston,  wlnlst  that  of 
Deeby  might  be  applied 
to  Swipes,  although  the 
noble  leader  of  Hee  Ma- 
jesty's Opposition  hi  the 
Lords  does  not  perhaps 
think  small  beer  of  him- 
self. Swipes,  however, 
is  not  the  smallest  beer. 
There  is  a  sort  of  some- 
thing like  beer  inferior 
,        ,  ,  ?      -,,  t         ■    .  to    Swipes.      This,    the 

lowest  degree  of  malt  liquor,  is,  in  some  parts  of  Hampshire,  termed  "  Sims  •  "  that 
is  to  say,  in  unmodified  English,  "  Seems,"  the  fluid  so  called  being  scarcely  more 
than  the  semblance  of  beer  If  we  agree  to  distinguish  Swipes  with  the 'lordly 
title  of  Deeby,  we  may  perhaps  venture,  in  a  political  sense  only,  of  course,  to 
apply  the  commoner  appellation  of  Dizzy  to  Suns. 


COWPEK'S  CANON  OF  TASTE. 

Who  could  not  guess  what  member  of  the  House  of 
Commons  it  was  that  made,  in  the  discussion  on  the  plan 
of  the  Foreign  Office,  the  speech  wherefroni  the  following 
assertion  is  extracted  ? — 

"He  undertook  to  say  that  for  one  person  who  took  delight  in  a 
Gothic  building,  there  were  twenty  who  derived  greater  pleasure  from 
an  Italian  building  ;  and  he  referred  to  the  example  of  Paris  to  show 
the  estimation  in  which  the  Italian  style  was  held  in  the  present 
day." 

Of  course  everybody,  if  asked  which  of  our  legislators 
it  was  who  exposed  his  ideas  of  architectural  taste  in  the 
above  declaration,  would  name  Me.  Cowpee.  In  a  matter 
of  Art,  according  to  our  Chief  Commissioner  of  Works  and 
Public  Buildings,  the  criterion  of  excellence  is^  the  opinion 
of  the  multitude.  An  Italian  budding  is  finer  than  a 
Gothic,  because,  for  one  who  takes  delight  in  the  latter, 
there  are  twenty  who  derive  greater  pleasure  from  the 
former.  By  parity  of  reasoning,  the  minstrelsy  of  Christy's 
minstrels  might  be  preferred  to  Tennyson's  poems,  married 
to  the  music  of  Beethoven.  Me.  Cowpee' s  argument  is 
that  of  a  man  naturally  devoid  of  any  sense  of  beauty,  and 
who  is  therefore  capable  of  spoiling_  that  of  Kensington 
Gardens  by  defacing  them  with  a  hippodrome.  For  one 
person  who  delights  in  a  landscape,  there  are  very  likely 
twenty  who  had  rather  look  at  a  horse,  particularly  with  a 
pretty  horsebreaker  on  the  back  of  it. 

The  same  majority  of  twenty  to  one  woidd,  no  doubt, 
like  to  see  a  gratuitous  circus  established  in  Kensing- 
ton Gardens,  or  the  Garden  of  Eden^  itself.  That  would 
be  what  M.  Walewski  calls  a  "  miracle  of  sedileship  " 
worthy  of  our  British  iEdfle ;  who  is  hereby  requested  to 
note  for  his  future  guidance,  that  in  architecture  and  all 
other  matters  of  taste,  as  in  other  matters  more  in  a 
Minister's  way,  the  majority  whose  decision  is  _  to  be 
accepted  as  law,  is  a  majority  supposed  to  be  qualified  to 
vote. 


July  20,  186].] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


25 


REPRESENTATIVE    RASCALS. 

asually,   on    Thursday,   last 

■week,  in  the  Laboratory  of 
the  Court  of  Probate,  in  the 
crucible  of  the  witness-box, 
and  under  exposure  to  the 
fire  of  cross-examination,  some 
particles  of  new  and  important 
truth  were  elicited,  by  that 
expert  chemist  the  Queen's 
Advocate,  from  a  body  deno- 
minating itself  Dr.  _  David 
Griffith  Jones— a  vile  body, 
and  thus  a  proper  one  for  the 
subject  of  experiment,  which, 
however,  has  yielded  instruc- 
tive results. 

From  Dr.  David  Griffith 
Jones,  who  claimed  to  be 
legatee  under  a  will  which  a 
lady,  apparently  out  of  her 
mind,  had  made  in  his  favour, 
were  extracted  the  following 
confessions  : — He  had  prac- 
tised Homoeopathy  and  Hy- 
dropathy for  about  nine  years. 
He  had,  however,  commenced 
the  medical  profession  as  an 
Allopathist,  or  practitioner  of 
the  old  system  of  medical 
treatment,  inclusive  of  "bleed- 
ing." It  may  be  questioned  j 
whether  he  ever  abandoned  | 
the  bleeding  system.  He  was  the  proprietor  of  a  medicine  not  named  in  the  Pharmacopoeia, 
but  called,  by  a  Dutchman  from  whom  he  had  purchased  it,  Axtramaukaz.  What  was  the 
derivation  of  this  word  he  could  not  say  :  may  we  be  excused  for  suggesting  that  it  is  evidently 
Double  Dutch  ?    He  had  obtained  his  diploma  at  the  Marischal  College,  Aberdeen. 

Thus  far  Dr.  David  Griffith  Jones  had  merely  confessed  himself  to  be  a  quack  doctor. 
The  admissions,  however,  subsequently  obtained  from  him  showed  that  he  was  something  even 
below  that.  Dr.  David  Griffith  Jones  proceeded  to  depose  that,  to  obtain  his  Aberdeen 
diploma,  he  had  travelled  all  night  from  London,  and  reached  Aberdeen  hi  the  morning.  He 
would  swear  that,  but  could  not  state  the  distance.  It  is,  of  course,  obvious  that  if  he  had 
known  the  space  intervening  between  London  and  Aberdeen,  he  would  have  taken  no  such 
injudicious  oath.  He  arrived  at  Aberdeen  at  break  of  day,  and  stopped  at  the  Railway  Hotel. 
Here  Dr.  David  Griffith  Jones  "  became  exceedingly  pale  and  confused" — the  suspicion 
dawning  on  his  mind  that  he  had  been  gently  trotted  into  deposing  to  a  tissue  of  impossibilities. 
In  short,  after  asserting  that  he  was  examined  at  Aberdeen  viva  voce  and  by  paper,  and  swearing 
to  a  few  more  lies,  which  it  is  needless  to  detail,  he  was  obliged  to  acknowledge  that  he  had 
never  been  to  Aberdeen  at  all :  that  at  the  time  when  he  swore  he  was  there  he  was  really  at 
Chipping-Norton ;  and  that  the  signature,  D.  G.Jones,  appended  to  his  Marischal  College 
medical  papers,  relating  to  the  examination  which  he  pretended  to  have  passed  there,  was  not 
his  own,  but  "might  be"  in  the  handwriting  of  a  certain  Dr.  Reeves;  that  he  and  this 
Reeves  were  in  the  habit  of  passmg  at  various  colleges  for  other  persons,  and  that  they 
occasionally  represented  each  other.  Of  course,  this  last  statement  was  partly  false,  inasmuch 
as  it  is  obviously  impossible  that  Dr.  David  Griffith  Jones  coidd  have  personated  anybody 
capable  of  sustaining  a  medical  examination ;  but  there  can  be  no  doubt  that  he  himself  was 
personated  at  Aberdeen  by  the  other  fellow,  and  that  this  cleverer  rogue  of  the  two  is  accus- 
tomed to  personate  and  procure  diplomas  for  other  scoundrels,  who,  being  quacks,  intend  to 
pass  themselves  off  for  medical  men. 

Dr.  David  Griffith  Jones,  as  he  calls  himself,  of  course  lost  his  cause,  and  was  condemned 
in  the  costs  of  the  suit,  but,  unaccountably,  was  not  ordered  into  custody,  to  be  indicted  for 
perjury.  His  accomphce,  styled  Dr.  Reeves,  whatever  may  be  the  real  name  of  that  knave, 
is  also  still  at  large.  Is  there  no  law  under  which  he  is  punishable  for  the  mischievous 
frauds  which  he  appears  to  subsist  by  practising  ? 

Be  it  observed,  that  the  possession  of  a  doctor's  diploma  by  an  obscene  advertising  quack  is 
no  proof  that  he  has  acquired  it  otherwise  than  by  an  arrangement  made  with  a  greater,  but 
less  ignorant,  rascal  than  himself.  The  lying  puffer  of  a  pretended  specific,  though  holding 
the  credentials  of  a  physician,  lias  very  lncely  obtained  them  by  fraudulent  proxy,  and  is  simply 
just  such  another  impostor  as  the  perjured  proprietor  of  Axtramankaz. 


pleasures  are  a  wicked  waste  of  time :  although 
their  absence  can  but  lead,  among  the  poorer 
class  at  least,  to  private  drunkenness  at  home. 


A  SAD  WORLD,  MY  MASTERS ! 


What  anguish  the  Mawworms  must  have  felt  the  other  day  on  reading  this  among  the 
otter  news  from  Paris  : — 

"  Tbe  total  receipts  at  all  places  of  public  amusement  were,  during  the  last  month,  1, 635,459  francs, or 
£65,416,  being  nearly  a  franc  a  month  per  head  for  the  whole  population  of  Paris,  men,  women,  and  children." 

A  franc  a  month  per  head  is  no  great  sum  to  think  of,  individually  apportioned ;  but  in  the 
aggregate  it  reaches  a  pretty  stiff  amount,  although  of  course  not  half  so  large  as  that  which 
Mr.  Punch  is  able  weekly  to  expend  at  the  "  places  of  amusement "  where  he  recreates  his 
young  men.  Still,  sixty  thousand  pounds  or  so  appears  a  tidy  sum  per  month  to  spend  in 
mere  amusement ;  yet  men  who  work  have  vital  need  at  times  of  play,  and  without  it 
health  wou  '  suffer,  and  brain  and  body  be  diseased.     But,  say  the  Mawworms,  public 


ZONG  ON  ST.  SWITHUN'S  DAY. 

Hearkee  to  St.  Swithun's  story, 

This  be  his  appinted  veast, 
Now  he  '11  ram  in  all  his  glory 

If  to-day  'a  rains  the  least. 
By  our  fathers  we  was  told  it, 

They  from  theirn  resaved  it  true, 
Whozoever  doth  not  hold  it, 

He 's  a  unbelievuii  Jew. 

Swithun  'mongst  the  Zaints  did  vlourish 

When  sitch  parsons  did  abound ; 
Now  this  earth  no  Zaints  don't  nourish — 

All  that's  left  be  underground. 
Bishop,  too,  'a  was  o'  Winton; 

Zaints  was  mostly  Bishops  then, 
Long  avore  the  days  o'  printun. 

When  all  books  was  wrote  wi'  pen, 

Nare  a  one  zet  pattern  brighter, 

Then,  when  Bishops  used  to  look 
Zummut  like,  in  robes  and  mitre, 

Clawun  hold  o'  Shepherd's  Crook. 
Bcck'nun  wi'  the  two  fust  fingers, 

T'other  hand,  along  o'  thumb  : 
By  their  tombstones  Vancy  lingers 

On  their  imidges  zo  rum. 

Swithun,  when  'a  lay  a  dyun. 

Says  unto  the  Monks  and  Briars, 
Who  was  then  a  standun  by  un, 

"  Now  you  hear  my  last  desires. 
In  Cathaydral,  if  you'd  plaze  me, 

Tomb  not  me  when  I  be  dead, 
In  the  churchyard,  mind,  you  lays  me." 

"Ees  we  'ool,"  the  clargy  said. 

They,  hows'ever,  when  his  sperrit 

Left  his  body  in  the  lurch, 
Swithun's  corpse  did  take  and  bury't, 

'Gin  his  orders,  in  the  Church, 
Honour  thinkun  for  to  do  un, 

When  their  prommus  zo  they  broke, 
That  they  counted  reverence  to  un 

Moor  nor  mindun  what  'a  spoke. 

But  the  grave  as  did  contain  un 

Scarce  had  hid  un  vrom  their  zight, 
WThen,  behold,  it  come  on  rainun, 

Never  stoppun  day  or  night ! 
Six  good  weeks  of  wet  unbroken, 

Pourun  hard  for  all  that  time, 
Plainly  was  a  sign  and  token 

They  had  done  some  grievious  crime. 

Zo  a  fastun  and  a  prayim 

They  set  to,  their  fault  to  find, 
Which  they  lamt  was  disobey nn 

What  St.  Swithun  had  enjined. 
Then  they  took  and  disinterred  un, 

And  his  body  did  convey 
To  the  churchyard,  where  they  buried  un, 

And  'a  bides  to  this  here  day. 

Prom  thenceforth  for  ever  arter 

On  that  day  if  rain  alights, 
More  or  less  the  skies  do  water 

Varty  days  and  varty  nights. 
Wherefore  now  you  knows  the  rason. 

Zingun  meaks  a  feller  dry. 
Moderate  liquor  grant  in  sason ! 

"  Here,  St.  Swithun's  health !  "  says  I. 


A    Perpetual    Motion 

{Until  one  of  the  Parlies  dies.) 

To  Move  :— for  the  Returns  of  all  the  Birth- 
davs  of  a  Lady,  who  positively  declares  she  is  not 
a  day  older  than  thirty-two. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[July  20,  1861. 


ONE    NIGHT    FROM    HOME. 

Wife  {to  Unreasonable  Monster).  "  It  's  of  no  use,  George,  tour  sating,  '  Hang  it,  Maria  ; '  I  must  have  some  tlace  to  put 

MY    THINGS  !  " 


BLACK  AND   WHITE. 

["  The  Eiipeeor  puts  down  the  Slave-Trade,  carried  on  on  the  Coast  of  Africa  by  French  agents  under  the  pretext  of  hiring  and  service." — Times,  July  10.] 


Th/VT  "  one  man's  meat 's  another's  poison," 

The  proverb  doth  declare  : 
The  lean  Jack  Sprat  set  longing  eyes  on, 

His  wife  could  not  abear. 
And  thus  it  is  in  institutions, 

And  Constitutions  too ; 
What  suits  the  Turks,  or  French,  or  Rooshians, 

For  Britons  woidd  not  do. 
So,  if  the  Emperor  have  sawed 

The  Gallic  rooster's  comb — 
'Tis  Liberty  begins  abroad, 

As  Charity  at  home. 

No  wonder  he 's  so  much  disgusted— > 

That  freedom-loving  mind, — 
Which  in  official  agents  trusted 

Tastes  like  his  own  to  find, — 
To  learn  that  Africans  in  batches, 

By  tyrannous  Trench  knaves, 
Are  fettered  and  thrust  under  hatches, 

Tor  all  the  world  like  slaves  ! 
By  such  means  men  may  be  o'erawed 

In  Paris,  or  in  Home, — 
But  Liberty  begins  abroad, 

As  Charity  at  home. 


Enthusiast !    He  thought  the  niggers 

Tims  clapped  aboard  his  ships, 
Were  Fortune's  fav'rites,  freed  from  rigours 

Of  barracoons  and  whips, 
To  make,  by  bicoloured  communion, 

The  isle  to  which  they  came 
A  blessed  Black  and  White  Reunion, 

In  fact  as  well  as  name. 
But  Frenchmen  on  such  work  of  fraud 

Elsewhere,  henceforth,  must  roam — 
Now  Liberty  begms  abroad, 

As  Charity  at  home. 

How  that  large  heart  of  love  paternal 

Must  at  the  thought  have  bled, 
That  spite  of  his  regard  fraternal 

For  men,  white,  black,  or  red. 
While  he  conceived  himself  fulfilling 

Humanity's  high  task, 
Poor  niggers  should  'tween  decks  be  grilling, 

Like  herrings  in  a  cask ! 
Such  lot  may  send  a  trait'rous  horde 

Cayenne-wards  o'er  the  foam — 
But  Liberty  begins  abroad, 

As  Charity  at  home. 


To  think  that  Blacks  who  service  proffered, 

Free  men  to  masters  kind, 
Should  find  a  pair  of  handcuffs  offered 

The  contract  fast  to  bind  !— 
Should  find  then  liberties  surrendered, 

Their  souls  no  more  then  own, 
The  willing  service  that  they  tendered 

To  slaves'  submission  grown  ! 
Something  like  this,  if  France  applaud 

Beneath  the  Tuil'ries'  dome — 
Why,  Liberty  begms  abroad, 

As  Charity  at  home. 

And  if  Ideologue  logicians 

Presume  on  asking  why 
These  liberating  dispositions 

Do  not  at  home  apply — 
Why  you  make  France's  fetters  stiffer, 

While  Afric's  off  you  strike, — ■ 
It  is  that  French  and  negroes  differ 

As  wide  as  black  and  white  ! 
Down,  fetish,  slaver,  force  and  fraud — 

Except  in  France  or  Rome — 
For  Liberty  begins  abroad, 

A.s  Charity  at  home  ! 


Sedet,  Eternumque  Sedebit  Infelix  Gladstone. 

Lord  Palmerston,  the  other  night,  remarked  that  there  remained 
above  five  hundred  votes  to  be  taken  in  Supply,  and  that  his  Right 
Honourable  friend,  the  Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer,  of  course 


would  have  to  sit  until  they  were  disposed  of.  As  the  progress  has 
been  recently  continued  at  the  rate  of  about  one  vote  per  night,  it  is 
clear  the  total  clearance  will  occupy  some  time  ;  and  funny  members 
are  beginning  to  apply  to  William  Gladstone  the  title  of  the  Irre- 
movable Poor  Bill  ! 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI— July  20,  1861. 


CMSAR  ET   IMPERATOR. 


"  AH,  MASSA  NAPOLEON !    YOU  AL'AYS  WAS  DE  PRIEND  OB  FREEDOM— NOW  YOU  AM  A  MAN  AND  A 

BRODER." 


July  20,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


20 


OUR    NATIONAL    DEFENDERS. 

ear  Punch, 

"  I  began  to  spin  a  yarn 
a  week  or  two  ago  about 
a  visit  I  had  paid  to  some 
naval  friends  at  Sherrys- 
mouth,  onboard  the  training 
ship  Excelsior,  as  I  ventured 
to  re-christen  her.  Any- 
thing in  any  way  relating  to 
our  navy  must  always  be  to 
Englishmen  a  matter  of 
some  interest,  and  you  will 
doubtless  therefore  let  me 
scrawl  what  more  1  have  to 
say. 

"I  have  a  horribly  bad 
memory  (as  the  tax-  gatherer 
well  knows),  but  I  shall  not 
soon  forget  my  first  night 
on  board  ship.  Don't  flunk 
I'd  been  gormandising,  or 
taking  too  much  wine.  They 
give  you  good  plain  dinners 
at  mess  in  the  Excelsior,  but 
do  not  tempt  your  appetite 
with  nightmare  -  breeding 
dainties.  And  as  for  getting  tipsy,  there  is  little  fear  of  that.  Twice 
the  port  goes  round  when  the  cloth  has  been  removed  (the  first  glass 
being  emptied  to  the  only  toast — '  The  Queen  ! '),  and  then  you  have 
your  coffee,  and  perhaps  one  glass  of  sherry  while  it  is  being  brought. 
Old  Bacchanals  may  think  this  a  niggardly  allowance,  but  young  blood 
needs  but  little  wine  to  keep  up  its  life-heat,  and  young  pockets  are 
the  healthier  for  this  wise  rule  of  abstinence. 

"  The  simple  reason  why  I  long  shall  remember  that  first  night  was 
that  I  slept  with  my  ears  within  six  inches  of  the  deck,  and  a  sentry 
with  new  boots  was  walking  all  night  over  me.  Two  inches  of  deal 
plank  were  all  the  barrier  between  my  hearing  and  his  heels ;  and 
although  I  am  well  used  to  Waits  and  catawaulings,  and  all  the  'voices 
of  the  night '  that  make  it  hideous  in  town,  this  novel  illustration  of 
the  Power  of  Sound  was  quite  enough  to  keep  me  from  all  hope  of 
going  to  sleep.  Creak,  crunch !  Creak,  crunch  !  If  he  had  worn  a 
wooden  leg  the  torment  could  not  have  been  worse.  Creak,  crunch ! 
now  coming  nearer  till  his  steps  crunch  through  my  head,  and  then 
receding  gradually  until  he  faces  round,  and  then  creak,  crunch!  creak, 
crunch  ! !  the  torture  as  before.  It  is  a  satisfaction  certainly  to  know 
one's  sleep  is  watched,  that  is  to  say,  supposing  that  one  can  get  to 
sleep.  One  feels  inclined  to  say  all  sorts  of  sentimental  things  about 
the  sweet  little  cherub  that  walks  upon  deck  to  watch  over  the  life  of 
poor  Jack.  But  when  the  sweet  little  cherub  is  a  heavy-footed  sentry 
with  a  pah-  of  creaking  boots,  one  is  prone  at  any  risk  to  wish  he  were 
off  duty,  or  at  all  events  that  he  had  got  lias  boots  off. 

"  However  lazy  and  luxurious  then-  life  may  be  ashore,  there  is  no 
fear  of  guests  getting  too  much  sleep  on  the  Excelsior.  At  half-past 
five,  shore  time,  or  three  bells,  to  be  nautical,  the  clay's  business  begins 
with  a  general  rouse-out ;  and  for  a  stranger  to  snooze  through  the 
bustle  that  ensues  would  be  as  easy  as  to  fall  asleep  when  first  one 
hears  Niagara.  I  was  on  the  poop  by  seven,  and  found  some  future 
Admirals  (at  present  mere  Lieutenants  on  ten  shillings  a  day,  less 
Income-Tax,  which  Government,  before  it  pays,  deducts)  hard  at  it  in 
their  shirt-sleeves  with  single-stick  and  foil,  and  practising  their  left 
hands  to  as  good  skill  as  their  right.  The  chance  of  being  wounded  of 
course  is  ever  present  to  the  mind  of  fighting  men,  and  in  practice 
with  the  big  guns,  as  well  as  with  the  small  arms,  care  is  rightly  taken 
to  provide  against  disablement. 

'  Breakfast  at  seven— hear  it,  ye  who  snore  till  twelve  '.—mess  things 
all  washed  up,  and  men  and  boys  all  fresh  and  rosy  from  their  scrub, 
standing  at  8'50  for  inspection  on  parade ;  drill  from  9  till  half-past 
10;  stand  easy  for  five  minutes,  and  then  drill  again  until  H'45; 
dinner  at  noon,  and  pipe  up  those  who  like  to  smoke  (a  filthy  habit, 
yes,  dear,  but  you  should  just  see  how  clean  the  deck  is  swabbed  up 
after  it !) ;  drill  at  2  bells  until  5  bells.  I  beg  your  pardon,  Cockney, 
I  mean  to  say  from  one  o'clock  until  half-past  two ;  stand  easy  for  five 
minutes,  and  then  drill  resumed  till  4-45,  when  all  hands  knock  off 
work,  and,  after  taking  supper,  turn  in  at  8  bells.  These  detads  of  the 
day's  routine  I  jotted  down  on  board  from  my  own  personal  observation, 
and  this  important  circumstance  I  think  it  right  to  state :  because  if 
making  such  things  pubhc  be  a  peril  to  the  country,  it  is  right  that 
I  alone  should  suffer  for  the  fault.  Naval  officers  are  now  forbidden 
by  the  Admiralty  to  contribute  any  naval  knowledge  to  the  press ;  so 
I  trust  by  my  confession  to  save  my  friends  at  Sherrysmouth  from  the 
charge  of  having  blabbed  to  me  the  secrets  I've  disclosed. 

"  From  these  details  one  may  see  that  the  Excelsior  is  not  a  ship  for 
idlers  or  skulkers.    It  is  in  point  of  fact  a  floating  pubhc  school; 


public  to  all  sadors,  who  are  able  seamen,  and  can  read  and  write. 
From  the  commander  to  the  cabin  boys  (who  wait  at  mess  so  neatly, 
although  one  of  them  did  spill  the  curry  over  my  dress-coat)  every 
'  hand '  on  board  has  good  hard  work  cut  out  for  him,  and  every  head 
is  exercised  as  well  as  every  hand.  One  stares  at  first  to  see  big  horny- 
fisted  fedows  ciphering  like  schoolboys  with  slates  upon  their  laps; 
and  one  stares  still  more  to  hear  that  trigonometry,  perhaps,  is  the 
study  over  which  those  brown-faced  heads  are  scratched.  In  big  gun 
work  it  seems  that  trigonometry  is  somewhat  of  a  help  to  trigger- 
nometry;  and  so,  ye  mariners  of  England  who  wish  to  raise  your  pay, 
by  serving  your  nine  months  at  school  in  the  Excelsior,  must  make 
your  minds  up  to  a  dose  of  mathematics  now  and  then,  or  you  wdl  not 
get  your  certificate  of  having  passed  the  ship.  Gouty  old  bewailers  of 
the  good  old  naval  times,  when  Jack  Tars  fried  their  watches,  and 
made  expensive  sandwiches  of  twenty-pound  bank-notes,  must  terribly 
lament  this  inarch  of  education,  and  bless  their  dear  eyes  that  the 
change  did  not  happen  in  their  day.  Wed,  I  don't  believe  myself  men 
fight  the  worse  for  knowing  how  to  read  and  write ;  and  whether  in 
the  navy,  or  in  any  other  service,  so  long  as  a  man's  body  is  kept  in 
good  strong  health,  the  more  brains  that  he  has  the  better  it  will  be 
for  him. 
"  Wishing  well  to  ad  our  Blue  Jackets,  as  every  Briton  should, 
"I  remain,  under  command, 

"Your  Naval  Inspector." 


A  FASHIONABLE  SQUAEE. 

An  Advertisement,  occupying  a  conspicuous  place  in  one  of  the 
principal  columns  of  our  fashionable  contemporary,  offers — 

"DLACK  REAL  LACE  SQUARES  FROM  16  GUINEAS. 

Who  would  be  such  an  ass  as  to  marry  a  woman  that  expected  to  go 
about  with  a  shawl  upon  her  shoulders  costing  16  guineas  at  least  ? 
That  a  "lace  square,"  by  the  bye,  is  a  sort  of  shawl,  it  may  perhaps 
be  necessary  to  inform  some  of  our  fellow  men,  who  are  bachelors,  or 
who,  beins;  married,  are  not  accustomed  to  scan  the  items  of  their 
Avives'  milliners'  bids.  A  duck  of  a  shawl  no  doubt,  the  purchaser 
whereof  plays  ducks  and  drakes  with  money.  From  16  guineas  to 
what  sum  does  the  price  of  these  things  ascend  ?  What  is  the  highest 
figure  of  a  lace  square,  if  16  guineas  is  the  lowest  ?  How  much  would 
the  entire  dress,  of  which  the  lace  square  is  only  a  portion,  probably 
come  to  ?  The  wearer,  very  likely,  take  her  jewels  and  all,  stands  for 
several  hundred  pounds.  What  a  walking  Income-Tax  for  her  husband ! 
How  can  such  a  wd'e  be  supported  by  anybody  but  a  man  of  boundless 
affluence  ?  She  must  ueeds  be  rumous  to  the  fool  who  married  her, 
unless  he  is  so  exceedingly  rich  a  fool  as  to  be  blest  with  wealth  in 
inverse  proportion  to  brains.  We  shoidd  like  to  know  the  total  ex- 
pense of  an  establishment  and  a  style  of  living  maintained  in  conformity 
with  the  real  lace  square  at  from  16  guineas.  In  many  a  case,  doubtless, 
there  is  a  rapid  transition  from  the  square  to  the  workhouse.  It  is 
well  that  females  have  no  political  rights.  If  they  had  any,  the  16 
guinea  shawl-wearers  would  exercise  in  the  Legislature  an  influence  on 
the  national  expenditure  very  different  from  that  which  is  exerted  by 
the  ten-pound  householders.  To  what  immensity  the  representatives 
of  these  incarnations  of  extravagance  would  swell  the  estimates  ! 

With  a  view  to  defray  the  expenditure  of  one  such  sumptuous 
woman,  her  husband  must  have  to  resolve  himself  into  a  Committee  of 
Ways  and  Means.  What  then?  Why,  perhaps  he  sells  the  securities 
which  he  is  intrusted  with,  embezzles  shares,  or  defrauds  a  bank,  and 
passes,  from  subjugation  to  her  insatiable  vanity,  into  penal  servitude. 


DON'T  BUN  FOB  GOLD. 


There  are  Englishmen  foolish  enough  to  do  the  maddest  things, 
but  we  trust  that  our  readers  are  too  sensible  to  allow  themselves  to  be 
carried  away  by  the  absurd  idea  that  gold  is  to  be  found  in  Nova  Scotia. 
We  doubt  if  there  is  any  money  in  the  colony  at  ad,  or  else  they  would 
have  built  something  like  a  decent  hotel  in  Halifax  long  before  this 
time.  To  prove  how  viUanously  deficient  it  is  in  accommodation  of 
that  kind,  when  the  Prince  of  Wales  visited  the  town,  poor  Lord 
Mulgrave  had  to  turn  out  of  Government  House  to  make  room  for 
him.  As  for  his  Lordship,  he  was  quite  like  an  outcast  in  his  own 
capital.  For  a  whole  week  he  slept  on  a  billiard-table,  without  any 
covering,  and  had  to  put  Ins  toes  in  the  pockets  to  keep  them  warm. 


Philosophy'iOn  the  Butcher's  Block. 

Prosperity,  they  say,  is  much  more  trying  than  Adversity.  As 
with  Man,  so  it  is  with  Meat.  In  adverse  weather,  it  wid  keep  sweet 
for  a  long  tune  ;  but  only  let  there  be  a  long  succession  of  sunshine, 
and  see  how  quickly  it  goes  to  the  bad  ! 


30 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[July  20,  1861. 


THE  USUAL  INGRATITUDE  OE  THE  WORLD. 

Lord  Redesdale,  in  the  House  of  Lords,  lias  been 
drawing  attention  to  the  disgraceful  state  of  Leicester 
Square.    In  answer  to  him, — 

"Earl  Granville  said  that  the  public  were  much  indebted 
to  the  noble  Lord  for  calling  attention  to  this  subject,  which  was 
really  of  some  importance." 

Stuff  and  nonsense !  If  the  public  is  indebted  to. 
anyone,  it  is  not  to  Lord  Redesdale,  but  to  Mr.  Punch, 
who  for  years  past  has  been  rattling  his  truncheon 
against  the  rusty  railings,  in  order  to  draw  public  atten- 
tion to  the  dirt  and  rubbish  that  are  collected  inside 
them.  We  have  been  blowing  hard  upon  this  subject, 
until  we  have  been  nearly  suffocated  by  the  dust  we 
have  raised  about  our  ears.  It  is  not  pleasant,  for  one's 
nose  even  (and  the  length  of  our  proboscis  has  often 
been  a  handle  for  caricaturists  to  lay  playfully  hold  of) 
to  come  in  contact  with  so  much  fifth,  and  we  can  only 
say  that  anyone  now  is  at  liberty  to  ventilate  the  same 
subject,  and  to  see  if  he  does  not  soon  become  sick 
of  it. 

We  would  send  Lord  Redesdale  all  we  have  written 
on  this  monster  dirt-heap,  only  we  are  confident,  from 
the  able  remarks  that  his  Lordship  indulged  hi,  that  he 
has  already  read  every  line  of  it.  Only,  as  the  credit  is 
due  to  us,  so  we.  must  claim  that  it  be  honourably  paid 
to  us  !  If  we  only  had  a  bottle  of  champagne  for  every 
public  benefit  that  we  have  been  the  instigators  or  the 
authors  of,  crikey,  Clicquot  !  what  a  glorious  cellar  we 
should  have  !  We  would  open  a  Drinking  Fountain 
with  it,  that  should  be  continually  running,  being  con- 
tinually supplied,  as  it  assuredly  would  be,  from  the 
fresh  benefits  we  should  be  continually  conferring  on 
the  world ! 

One  favour  only  we  ask :  if  this  metropolitan  Augean 
stable  is  to  be  cleansed  (and  we  have  practically  been 
the  Hercules  to  do  it),  let  the  same  cart  carry  away 
the  stable-boys,  ostlers,  disreputable  hangers-on,  and 
every  speck  of  the  offensive  human,  or  other,  rubbish, 
that  has  so  long  been  incorporated  with  it. 


GROSS  *  OUTRAGE. 

Now,  Sir,  Things  is  wery  flat,  you  shall  have  the  two  for  'alf-a-Crown. 

There!" 


A  Dialogue. 

Scene — Kensington  Gardens. 

"  What  a  gabble  those  people  on  horseback  are 
.  making !  "   said  Eugenius  to  a  fellow  student. 

"  Yes,  my  dear  friend ;  but  you,  as  a  lover  of  the 
poets,  should  not  object  to  it.  Is  it  not  Cowper's 
{^Table-Talk?" 


THE  BIELE  RACES. 

_  Having,  from  the  enormous  weekly  increase  to  his  wealth,  a  con- 
siderable interest  in  the  welfare  of  the' kingdom  and  in  the  condition  of 
our  national  defences,  Mr.  Punch  of  course  paid  a  visit  to  Wimbledon 
last  week,  for  the  purpose  of  examining  the  progress  made  in  rifle 
shooting.  The  truth  that  practice  makes  perfect  is  nowhere  more 
evinced  than  in  a  course  of  rifle  practice,  and  Mr.  Punch  confesses  that 
lie  felt  no  small  surprise  at  the  improvement  in  the  shooting  since  he 
last  year  inspected  it.  Taking  his  stand  beside  the  screen  where  last 
year's  Champion  Shot  was  shooting,  Mr.  Punch  was  pleased  to  see  him 
score  two  "  centres  "  in  succession  at  a  900  yards'  range  ;  and,  as  a  man 
of  property,  was  still  more  charmed  to  see,  that  even  such  good  shooting 
failed  after  all  to  win  him  the  first  place.  Splendid  as  the  practice  of 
the  Man  (of)  Ross  may  be,  England  doubtlessly  ere  I0112;  will  count 
among  her  marksmen  some  thousands  good  as  lie  is ;  indeed,  if  rifle 
shooting  continue  to  improve  at  such  a  rate  as  it  has  done,  we  may 
expect  men  to  score  "  centres  "  in  continuous  succession  for  an  hour  at 
a  time,  just  as  certaiidy  as  "  sixes  "  are  thrown  in  Box  and  Cox. 

As  he  listened  to  the  singing  of  the  bullets  through  the  air,  Mr. 
Punch  could  not  help  hoping  that  such  war-songs  woidd  in  England  be 
heard  only  in  peace ;  and  as  he  saw  how  surely  the  blue  flag  or  the 
white  (each  denoting  a  fan  hit)  was  waved  after  each  son?,  he  thought 
invaders  would  do  wisely  to  keep  well  out  of  hearing,  unless  they  wished 
to  get  an  ounce  or  two  of  lead  put  in  their  ears.  If  any  one  had  told 
him  when  he  issued  his  first  volume  twenty  years  ago,  that  long  before 
his  fortieth  was  laid  before  the  Universe  'he  would  see  a  bullseye  hit 
with  tolerable  certainty  at  more  than  half  a  mfle,  Mr.  Punch  would  have 
put  very  little  faith  in  the  prediction.    But  thanks  to  Minie,  Enfield, 


Whitworth,  Henry,  and  some  others,  the  feat  is  easily  accomplish- 
able if  men  will  only  practise  it,  and  every  one  who  loves  his  country 
of  course  will.  There  is  no  doubt,  had  the  ancient  Britons  owned  such 
weapons,  a  black  page  in  our  history  would  never  have  been  written, 
for  the  invasion  of  England  would  not  have  taken  place.  Cesar  and 
his  legions  would  have  quietly  been  potted  half  a  mile  from  shore,  and 
even  the  very  longest  ot  their  Roman  noses  would  have  never  cast  its 
shadow  on  the  British  sand. 

Haying  just  glanced  round  the  tent  where  the  prizes  were  exhibited 
(he  did  not  dare  to  look  long  at  them  for  fear  he  might  be  tempted  to 
pocket  one  or  two  of  them,  which  there  were  too  many  policemen 
looking  amiably  on  to  make  it  safe  for  him  to  do),  Mr.  Punch  spent 
half  an  hour  in  smoking  a  cigar  and  seeing  the  "  Rifle  Derby : "  which, 
but  for  the  two  trifling  facts  that  there  were  no  horses  and  (so  to 
speak)  no  people,  might  somewhat  have  reminded  him  of  the  race 
whence  it  was  named.  But  of  all  the  rifle  races,  that  in  which  he  took 
chief  interest  was  the  one  where  Rugby  distanced  the  other  public 
schools,  and  which,  from  the  creditable  practice  that  was  shown,  proved 
that  proper  steps  were  taken  to  make  our  future  statesmen  as  familiar 
with  Enfield's  rifle  as  they  are  with  Enfield's  Speaker,  and  to  teach 
their  young  idea  how  properly  to  shoot. 

Quite  disregarding  dinner,  in  his  military  enthusiasm,  Mr.  Punch 
stayed  on  the  ground  until  the  tics  were  all  shot  off  (by  the  way,  why 
don't  the  drapers  bring  out  a  Rifle  Tie  ?),  and  then  returned  to  town 
feeling  very  hungry,  and  happy  in  his  mind  at  having  seen  so  good  an 
exhibition  for  Ids  shilling,  and  more  than  ever  satisfied  that  as  both  a 
fundholder  and  father  of  a  famdy  he  was  well  protected  by  our  national 
defenders,  and  might  proceed  to  lay  his  head  upon  his  pillow  without 
the  nightmare  of  Invasion  disturbing  his  night's  rest. 


July  20,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


31 


EXERCISE    BEFORE    DINNER. 

(To  Mb.  Alderman  Gutch.) 

My  dear  Alderman, 
Let  me  commend  to 
your  attention  the  follow- 
ing passage,  extracted  from 
a  newspaper  report  relative 
to  the  Crystal  Palace : — 

"  The  grounds  of  the  Crystal 
Palace  are  now  very  beautiful ; 
the  roses  and  flower-beds  are 
in  a  state  of  perfection.  Inside 
the  building  fresh,  novelties 
Lave  been  provided  in  the  shape 
of  a  number,  of  live  turtles, 
•which  are  allowed  to  sport  in 
the  southern  basin." 

When  you  are  going  to 
dine  with  theLoRD  Mayok, 
or  to  partake  of  a  banquet 
in  the  hall  of  one  of  your 
great  Companies,  let  me 
recommend  you  to  take  a 
holiday  in  the  morning, 
and  spend  it  at  the  Crystal 
Palace.  You  will  find  that 
a  much  better  way  to  create 
an  appetite  than  taking  a 
dinner-pill.  The  inspection 
of  works  of  art  and  objects 
of  natural  history,  con- 
tinued for  a  few  hours,  is 
a  sort  of  exercise  that  gene- 
rally makes  people  hungry, 
even  if  the  zoological  spe- 
cimens are  stuffed,  and  not 
calculated  for  stuffing  the 
beholder.  But  the  sight 
of  five  turtle  sporting  in  a 
basin,  which  is  one  that  can  be  seen  by  no  person  endowed  with  the  least  ima- 
gination without  suggesting  the  idea  of  lumps  of  green  fat  floating  in  a  tureen, 
cannot  fail  of  rendering  the  most  dyspeptic  of  citizens  absolutely  ravenous.  The 
Crystal  Palace  was  meant  for  the  cultivation  of  people's  taste :  avail  yourself  of 
the  advantages  which  it  offers  in  that  respect ;  go,  contemplate  the  live  turtle 
sporting  in  then  basin ;  feast  your  eyes  upon  them  there  and  then,  and  your  mind, 
in  anticipation,  on  the  calipash  and  cahpee,  in  the  enjoyment  whereof  you  are  des- 
tined to  revel  m  a  few  hours.  "  Abroad  in  the  meadows  to  see  the  young  lambs," 
must  always  conjure  up  visions  of  dehght  enhanced  by  mint-sauce ;  but  what  are 
they  to  the  delicious  prospects,  in  connection  with  a  squeeze  of  lemon,  which  will 
be  presented  to  your  Worship's  fancy  by  the  gambols  of  Hve  turtle  ?  Ah  !  May 
good  digestion  wait  on  appetite !     Am  I  not,  indeed,  your  Worship's 

Sweet  Remembrancer, 
The  Clarendon,  July,  1861. 


THE  SAYING  OF  INDIA. 

By  a  letter  in  a  Times  City  article,  and  which  was  there  acknowledged  as  received 
from  "an  experienced  Calcutta  merchant,"  grumblers  at  the  Government  were 
delighted  with  the  following  : — 

"We  have  nothing  new  in  the  financial  way  lately,  except  a  report  to  Government  by  the  '  Civil 
Finance  Commission'  as  to  the  working  of  the  Government  Stationery  Office.  They  suggest  such 
alterations  as  will,  they  say,  cause  a  saving  of  some  £30,000  a  year,  and  the  Government  has 
ordered  all  their  recommendations  to  be  carried  out.  '  If  these  things  are  done  in  the  green 
tree,  what  shall  be  done  in  the  dry  ?  '  If  £30,000  a  year  can  be  saved  in  stationery,  what  can  be 
saved  by  a  proper  economy  in  the  whole  administration  of  India  ?  The  report  is  a  perfect  curiosity, 
and  I  feel  tempted  to  send  it  to  Punch.  The  whole  matter  would  be  laughable  were  it  not  too 
serious  to  see  how  money  has  been  wasted." 

Thirty  Thousand  Pounds  a-year  seems  a  good  round  sum  to  save  by  squaring  the 
accounts  of  a  Stationery  Office,  and  the  consumption  of  pens,  ink,  and  paper  must 
be  quite  prodigious  when  such  a  sum  as  this  can  be  annually  saved  in  it.  Govern- 
ment clerks  in  England  have  rather  a  bad  name  for  wasting  precious  time  for 
which  the  public  has  to  pay  them ;  but  their  fellow-clerks  in  India  must  waste 
something  else  than  time,  if  the  statement  we  have  quoted  be  found  to  be  vera- 
cious. _  It  is  a  usual  thing  in  England  for  Government  to  use  a  sheet  of  foolscap 
when  it  wants  to  write  a  note  of  half-a-dozen  words ;  butin  India  one  would  fancy 
it  must  have  been  the  custom  to  consume  at  least  a  quire  of  the  most  expensive 
letter-paper  in  making  out  rough  drafts  of  every  communication,  and  one  would 
think  that  the  fan  copy  was  written  upon  vellum  made  from  skin  as  precious  as 
that  which  is  reputed  to  have  borne  the  Golden  Fleece.  Even  this,  indeed,  would 
scarce  account  for  such  a  waste  as  Thirty  Thousand  Pounds  a-year  ;  and  one  might 
really  imagme  that  the  Government  clerks  in  India  wrote  with  nothing  but  gold 
pens,  and  used  a  new  one  for  each  note.  If  one  added  that  most  probably  their 
penholders  were   made  of   the  finest  mother-of-pearl,  and   inlaid    with   rubies, 


emeralds,  and  diamonds,  the  conjecture  would  still  fad  to 
account  for  the  enormous  expenditure  in  stationery,  which 
a  saving  of  some  Thirty  Thousand  Pounds  a-year  implies ; 
and  one  would  also  have  to  fancy  their  inkstands  gemmed 
with  sapphires  and  their  blotting-pads  composed  of  £100 
bank-notes,  which  they  were_  welcome  to  tear  out  and 
put  into  their  pockets,  as  trifles  forming  part  of  the  per- 
quisites of  the  place. 

A  good  deal  has  been  said  about  the  saving  of  India  in 
the  time  of  the  Revolt ;  but  the  saving  which  is  spoken  of 
as  being  now  in  prospect  appears  to  us  but  Mttle,  if  at  all, 
less  wonderful.  Very  certainly  the  Sepoys  have  not  been 
the  only  or  the  most  insidious  enemies  with  whom  the 
Indian  revenue  has  been  recently  attacked.  The  employes 
who  have  wasted  Thirty  Thousand  Pounds  a-year  must 
fairly  be  regarded  as  foes  to  her  prosperity ;  and  we  can- 
not wonder  that  her  fortunes  should  stand  still  while 
such  a  drain  upon  her  coffers  continues  to  be  stationery. 


SENSE  v.  SENSATION. 

Some  would  have  it  an  age  of  Sensation, 

If  the  age  one  of  Sense  may  not  be — 
The  word's  not  Old  England's  creation, 

But  New  England's,  over  the  sea, — 
Where  all 's  in  the  high-pressure  way, 

In  life  just  as  in  locomotion, 
And  where,  though  you  're  here  for  to-day, 

Where  to-morrow  you  '11  be,  you  've  no  notion. 

In  that  land  of  fast  life  and  fast  laws — 

Laws  not  faster  made  than  they  're  broken- 
Sensation  's  the  spirit  that  draws 

To  a  head,  whate'er's  written  or  spoken. 
If  a  steamer  blow  up  on  the  lakes, 

Or  a  statesman  prove  false  to  the  nation, 
Its  impression  the  circumstance  makes 

In  a  paragraph  headed  "  Sensation." 

If  a  senator  gouges  a  friend 

In  the  course  of  a  lively  debate ; 
Or  a  pleasure-train  comes  to  an  end 

By  trynig  to  leap  a  lock-gate ; 
If  the  great  Hiram  Dodge  takes  the  stump, 

Or  the  President  makes  an  oration, 
The  event  able  Editors  lump 

Under  one  standing  head  of  "  Sensation." 

The  last  horrid  murder  down  South, 

The  last  monster  mile-panorama ; 
Last  new  sermon,  or  wash  for  the  mouth, 

New  acrobat,  planet  or  drama : 
All — all  is  Sensation — so  fast, 

Piled  up  by  this  go-a-head  nation, 
That  by  dint  of  Sensation  at  last, 

There 's  nothhig  excites  a  "  Sensation." 

And  now  that  across  the  Atlantic 

Worn  threadbare  "Sensation"  we've  seen, 
And  the  people  that  lately  were  frantic, 

Blush  to  think  that  such  madmen  they  've  been; 
Mr.  Punch  sees  with  pain  and  surprise,  _ 

On  the  part  of  this  common  sense  nation, 
Every  here  and  there,  on  the  rise, 

This  pois'nous  exotic  "  Sensation." 

When  an  acrobat  ventures  his  neck, 

In  the  feats  of  the  flying  trapeze, 
Or  some  nigger  minstrel  would  deck 

His  wool-wig  with  extra  green  bays ; 
If  a  drama  can  boast  of  a  run, 

By  dint  of  a  strong  situation, 
The  posters  e'en  now  have  begun 

To  puff  the  thing  up  as  "  Sensation." 

Mr.  Punch  'gainst  the  word  and  the  things 

It  apphes  to,  his  protest  would  enter  : 
Eor  the  vulgar  excitement  it  brings 

May  England  ne'er  prove  fitting  centre. 
If  you  've  got  something  good,  never  doubt  it 

By  deeds  will  avouch  its  vocation  _; 
And  be  sure  that  not  talking  about  it 

Is  the  true  way  to  make  a  "  Sensation." 


32 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[July  20,  1861. 


THE    PHOTOGRAPH. 

Mary.  "  Why,  Tummas,  it  's  the  vert  Moral  of  yer  ! " 
Tummas.  "Pretty  thing,  ain't  it  ?    Pity   the  Yaller  op  the  Uniform 
comes  so  Black  !  " 


MRS.  ROCHEFOUCAULD'S  MAXIMS. 

Mrs.  Rochefoucauld  would  like  to  know  why  her 
maxims  should  not  be  read,  as  well  as  those  of  her  old 
lord  and  master.  All  women  are  not  weak-minded ;  quite 
the  reverse. 

Mrs.  R  is  quite  convinced  that  the  gallantry  of  Mr. 
Punch  will  induce  him  to  do  her  justice,  by  opening  his 
brilliant  columns  to  a  few  of  her  good  tilings. 

The  following  are  by  no  means  her  best  :— 

We  can  all  bear,  with  resignation,  a  rent  in  the  dress 
of  our  very  dearest  friend. 

We  should,  indeed,  be  often  ashamed  of  the  noble  de- 
votion and  self-sacrifice  with  which  we  give  ourselves  away, 
were  it  always  possible  for  the  happy  mail  to  know  iclnj  we 
pass  into  the  temple  of  Hymen. 

We  are  really  not  answerable  for  our  defects,  and  they 
are  to  be  pardoned;  but  when  we  see  a  friend  endea- 
vouring^ by  base  arts,  to  hide  the  malaclresses  of  nature, 
we  are  justified  in  proclaiming  the  attempted  deceit  to 
the  world. 

We  are  jealous  of  men  whom  we  love ;  and  of  women 
whom  we  hate. 

Bracelets  and  ear-rings  are  to  women  what  stars  and 
garters  are  to  men.  Women  are  vain  of  their  persons; 
men  of  their  actions.  Yet  the  men  cry  "Poor  weak 
woman !  " 

It  is  difficult  to  announce  the  birth  of  love  to  another ; 
but  how  much  more  difficult  to  declare  that  he  is  dead ! 

It  requires  the  most  consummate  tact  to  hate  politely. 

Our  laziness  often  keeps  us  in  the  path  of  duty  where 
our   parents    dropped  us.    But,  if   the  world   will   cry 
why  should  ice  say  "  Hush  !  " 

Generally,  when  we  praise  anybody,  if  we  search  our 
motives,  we  shall  find  that  we  are  returning  them  only  a 
very  small  percentage  of  the  admiration  they  have  expressed 
for  ourselves.  If  a  friend  praises  our  dress  and  carriage, 
we  handsomely  find  that  her  gloves  are  not  quite  so  ill- 
fitting  as  they  usually  are. 

Better  be  despised  than  ridiculed.  Very  great  criminals 
have  had  exquisite  taste  in  dress. 

With  Mrs.  R.'s  best  compliments  to  Mr.  Punch. 


t=r       I  "Bravo! 


OU£  MUSICAL  POLICE. 

Fcourse  everybody 
knows  (for  hath  not 
Punch  proclaimed 
the  fact  ?)  that  the 
Police  are  forming 
bands  for  musical 
performance,  as  a 
means  of  recrea- 
tion in  their  well- 
earnedleisure  time. 
We  met  a  body  of 
them  the  other 
evening  coming 
away  from  prac- 
tice, with  their  in- 
struments in  their 
hands,  and  our  first 
impression  was 
that  they'd  been 
taking  up  a  music 
shop,  or  capturing 
some  burglars  who 
had  broken  into  one,  and  walked  off  with  the  stock.  But  when  the 
truth  became  apparent,  we  thought  how  good  a  thing  it  was  that  the 
Police  should  live  in  harmony,  and  we  reflected  that  their  instruments 
would  be  greatly  instrumental  towards  the  keeping  of  the  peace.  A 
trombone  in  the  hands  of  a  Policeman  six  feet  high  would  be  a 
formidable  weapon  in  the  case  of  a  street  row,  and  a  blow  from  an 
ophicleide,  if  wielded  as  a  weapon,  Avould  be  even  more  effective  than 
a  trenchant  truncheon-cut.  There  is  no  doubt  that  a  mob  would  soon 
be  awed  into  dispersion  if  they  saw  a  band  of  "Bobbies"  marching 
down  upon  them  with  such  arms  in  their  hands,  and  playing  the 
"  Rogue's  March"  or  "  See  we  Conquering  Heroes  come  !  " 


Nor  will  this  be  the  sole  benefit  likely  to  result  when  our  Policemen 
as  a  rule  have  music  in  their  souls,  and  by  pretty  frequent  practice  have 
perfected  their  taste  in  it.  A  love  of  good  music  of  course  will  inspire 
in  due  proportion  a  hatred  of  the  hand-organs,  gorilla  German  bands,  and 
lamp-blacked  Nigger  minstrels,  who  are  now  so  constantly  the  breakers 
of  our  peace.  Welsh  harpers  from  Whitechapel,  and  Scotch  bagpipers 
from  Shoreditch,  will  be  taken  up  at  once  as  musical  impostors  when 
musical  detectives  are  enrolled  in  the  Police ;  and  as  for  all  the  squeakers 
with  the  hurdy-gurdy  and  squealers  with  the  fife,  they  will  instantly  be 
handcuffed  for  the  uttering  of  false  notes.  The  same  stern  justice  will 
be  dealt  to  Paganinis  of  the  pavement,  who,  if  they  persist  in  playing, 
will  soon  get  into  a  scrape,  and  will  find  their  solo  stopped  by  a  rapid 
pedal  movement  on  the  part  of  the  Police ;  whilst  their  performance  on 
one  string  will  get  them  into  a  line  which  ends  at  the  Station  House. 

We  can  imagine  a  street  organ-grinder  flying,  terror-stricken,  before 
a  tall  Policeman  with  a  trombone  at  his  lips,  from  which  a  blast  of 
vengeance  might  fittingly  be  blown ;  while  the  Waits,  who  make  night 
hideous  with  their  fiddlings  and  their  flutings,  would  at  once  be  appre- 
hended for  the  murder  of  our  sleep.  A  Policeman  who  has  gotten  a 
good  ear  and  taste  for  music,  of  course  will  have  small  mercy  on  all  the 
bad  band-itti  by  whom  the  so-called  "quiet  streets  "  are  now  especially 
infested,  and  who  levy  a  black-mail  on  all  who  are  in  hearing,  and  rob 
them  of  their  money,  or  else  rob  them  of  their  rest. 


Clear  as  Mud. 


The  Abbe  Cruice  has  lately  been  preferred  to  the  See  of  Marseilles. 
This  ecclesiastic,  according  to  the  Courrier  cle  Marseille,  "  is  of  Irish 
descent,  and  the  author  of  several  esteemed  works,  remarkable  for  the 
qualities  of  their  style  and  the  clearness  of  their  ideas."  The  clearness 
of  the  ideas  contained  in  the  works  of  Bishop  Cruice  is  perhaps  the 
strongest  possible  evidence,  next  to  an  authenticated  pedigree,  of  his 
Irish  descent. 


Printed  by  William  Bradbury,  of  No.  13,  Upper  Woburn  Place,  and  Frederick  Mullett  Evans,  of  No.  19,  Queen's  Road  West,  Regent's  Park,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Pancras,  in  the  County  of  Middlesex, 
Printers,  at  their  Office  in  Lombard  Street,  in  the  Precinct  of  YVhitefriars,  in  the  City  of  London,  and  Published  by  them  at  No.  85,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  City  of  London.— 
SATunoAV,  July  20, 1861. 


THE     RE-ISSUE     OF     PUNCH. 

COMMENCED   IN  MARCH. 
Vols.  I.  to  V.,  in  Boards,  Price  5s.  each,  and  the  Volumes  for  1841  (Price  6s.),  1842,  and  1843,  Price  10s,  6d. 

each,  handsomely  bound  in  Cloth,  Gilt  Edges,  are  published. 


O 

m 

H 
i 

Xs 

m 
m 

T3 

m 
z 
o 
m 


THE  FOREIGN   TOUR  OF  MESSRS.  BROWN, 
JONES,  AND  ROBINSON. 

WHAT  THEY  SAW  AND  DID  IN  BELGIUM,    GERMANY,  SWITZERLAND 
AND  ITALY.     By  RICHARD  DOYLE. 

A  handsome  4to  Volume,  Cloth  extra,  Price  21s. 
Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


A   LITTLE    TOUR   IN    IRELAND  : 

BEING  A  VISIT  TO  DUBLIN,  GALWAY,  CONNEMARA,  ATHLONE.  LIMERICK, 
KILLARNEY,  GLENGARIFF,   CORK,  &c.      By  AN  OXONIAN. 

With  a  Coloured  Frontispiece,  and  Numerous  Illustrations  on  Wood  by  JOHN  LEECH- 

Price  10s.  (3d. 
Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


PUNCH,    OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— July  27,   1861. 


CHARLES  MACKAY'S  NEW  MAGAZINE. 
Nos.  1,  2,  and  3  now  ready,  Price  2d.  each. 

POBIN    GOODFELLOW. 

M/  A  Weekly  Journal  of  Fact  and  Fiction. 
Conducted  by  Chaki.es  Mackay,  LL.D. 

Office,  122,  Fleet  Street,  London,  E.G. 


« 


CD 

o 

1-4        . 

m  © 

oa 

^  H 
O  SO 

o  w 

I*  I* 

& 

© 


M 

EH 

© 

!-4 


qnHE  PEN   SUPEESEDED- 

A  MARK  YOUR  LINEN.— The  best  and 
only  method  of  marking  linen,  silk,  stockings, 
coarse  towels,  &c,  so  as  to  prevent  the  ink  washing 
out,  is  with  CULLETON'S  PATENT  ELECTRO- 
SILVER  PLATI.S.  By  means  of  this  novel  inven- 
tion a  Thousand  Tieces  of  Linen  can  be  marked  in 
one  Hour,  with  Initials,  Name,  Coronet,  or  Crest; 
with  directions  for  use.  Sent  post  free  for  stamps. 
Initial  Plate,  Is  ;  Name,  2«  lid. ;  Set  of  Moveable 
Numbers.  2s.  Gil.;  Crest,  5s. 

T.  Cui/leton,   Patentee,  25,    Cranbourn    Street, 
corner  of  St.  Martin's  Lane,  W.C. 


BMESSMG  BMl 
sf'CENTLEBSEN{c5E5ii. 

*f   LAP  8  E  S  "  jp.nM  PI  g-iTg 

&  Q«MC&AJ3«Kr3'fc*SR)rcKS& r. 

©PP0SI1E/PANTHE0N 

DR.  DE  JONGH'S 

LXGHT-BEQWN  COD  LIVES 
OIL, 

Is  Incomparably  Superior  to  every  oilier  "kind. 
''It  was  fitting  that  the  author  of  the  best  analysis1 
and  investigations  into  the  properties  of  this  Oil1 
should  himself'  be  the  purveyor  of  this  important' 
medicine."— Jonathan  Pekeira,  M.D.,  RRb. 


Imperial  Half-pints,  2s.  6d.;  Pints 
SoleAgeuts:  Atssak,  Harfo 


;  Quarts 
,  77.  Strantl. 


^'■& 


ROWLANDS'  MACASSAR  OIL,  for  promoting 
the  Growth,  Restoring  and  Beautifying;  the  Human 
Hair. 

ROWLANDS'  KABYDOR  for  Improving  and 
Beautifying  the  Complexion  and  Skin;  and  'Eradi- 
cating Cutaneous  defects'-. 

ROWLANDS'  ODON-TO.  or  Pearl  Dentrifice,  for 
the  Teeth.  Gums,  avid  Breath. 

Sold  at  20,  Hatton  Garden,  and  by  Chemists-  and1 
Perfumers. 


fSQCKLE'Si 

M  PILLS,  a  medicine  now  ill-  use  among 
all  classes  of  Society  for  iniH^er,tion.  bilious,  livei*, 
and  Stomach  Complaints.  Prepared' only  by  James 
Cockle,  18,  I\Tew  Ormond  Street,  and' tb'be  had  of 
all  Medicine  Vendors,  id  boxes  at  Is;  l%d:, ■  2s.  9d., 
and  4s.  6d. 


^AIIAGIirS^    SICE 

^  GLASSES,  £3  10s.  each,  with  Leather 
Sling  Case,  complete ;  warranted  of  the  first  qualitv. 
May  be  bad  at  Messrs.  W.  H.  Smith  &  Son's  book- 
stalls at  the  Railway  Stations ;  or  will  be  seot  free, 
on  receipt  of  Post  Office  orders,  payable  to  William 
Callaghak,  Optician,  23°,  New  Bond  Street,  W. 
(Corner  of  Conduit  Street).— N.B.  Sole  Agent  to 
Yoigtlam>er,  Vienna. 

TOE  HAEA1*A  CIGAR  COM- 

*•  PANY.  Offices  and  Warehouse,  4S, 
Pall  Mall,  St.  James's,  London,  S.W. 

Established  for  the  importation  and  sale  of  real 
Habana  Cigars,  and  genuine  tobaccos.  Clubs, 
Hotels,  Naval  and  Military  Blesses,  and  the  Trade 
and  Shippers  supplied,  on  liberal  terms. 

Loois  SiLEERBEitG,  Manager, 


Every  Monday,  consisting  of  Eight  large  Imperial  pages, 

TOE  HALFPENNY  JOURNAL :  A  WEEKLY  MAGAZINE  FOR 

«&.  every  one  able  to  read.  Contents  : — 1.  The  Black  Band  :  or,  the  Mysteries  of  Midnight. 
A  Romance  of  the  Present  day.  Illustrated. — 2.  The  Colleen  Bawn  (now  performed  at  all  the 
Theatres).  Illustrated  by  Phiz. — 3.  Scenes  and  Sights  of  London  Life.  Illustrated  by  M. 
Connell. — 4.  Answers  to  Correspondents:  Gems  of  Thought,  Pacts,  Golden  Gleanings,  Family 
Helps,  Scraps,  Essays.     Every  Week — One  Halfpennv. 

London  :  WARD  &  LOCK,  15S,  Fleet  Street. 


KING   WILLIAM    STREET,  LONDON   BRIDGE, 

ESTABLISHED  IN  SHEFFIELD,  A.D.  1810. 

ELECTRO-SILVER  SPOONS  AMD  FORKS. 

Mappin  Brothers  guarantee  on  all  their  manufactures  in  Electro-Silver  Plate  a  strong 
deposit  of  real  silver,  according  to  price  charged. 


12  Table  Forks 
12  Table  Spoons    . , 
12  Dessert  Forks  . . 
12  Dessert  Spoons 
1 2  Tea  Spoons    . . . 


Plated 

strong 

£    s. 

d. 

1  16 

0 

1  16 

0 

1     7 

0 

1    7 

0 

0  16 

0 

Plated 
exrra  Btrort; 
£.  s.  d 
2  S  C 
2  S  C 
1  18  C 
1  18    C 


10    0 


Plate 

i 

stron; 

£. 

s. 

d. 

O 

14 

0 

2 

14 

0 

2 

0 

0 

2 

0 

0 

1 

4 

0 

Plated 
ex*ra  strong. 
d. 


£  s. 
3  10 
3  10 
2  10 
2  10 
1  12 


Platec 

strong 

& 

s. 

d. 

3 

0 

0 

3 

0 

0 

2 

4 

0 

2 

4 

0 

1 

7 

ii 

Plated 
extra  strong 


£ 
3  IS 
3  18 
2  14 
2  14 
1  16 


Officers'  Canteens  fitted  for  India  from  £10  to  £500,  according  to  contents  required,  in  strong  Oak  Plate 
Chests,  iron  bound  and  triple-locked. 
Our  Catalogue  of  Drawiugs  and  Prices  (sent  post  free  on  application  to  London  Bridge)  will 
enable  intending  purchasers  to  make  their  selection  without  difficulty. 


BIRTHDAY  PRESENTS,  &c. 


TOEG  to  solicit  the  honour  of  a  visit  from  their  numerous  Patrons  to  inspect  their  present 
■*-*  Stock,  which  is  in  every  respect  unrivalled,  comprising  Jewellery  in  all  its  branches,  Watches, 
French  Drawing  and  Dining  Room  and  Library  Clocks,  Garnitures  de  Cheminee,  Jewel  and 
Scent  Caskets,  Etui  Cases,  Mediaeval  Mounted  Envelope  and  Blotting  Cases  and  Inkstands 
en  suite  in  "  Thuya  Imperiale  "  and  other  choice  woods.  Ladies  and  Gentlemen's  Dressing 
Cases  with  Silver,  Silver-gilt  and  Plated  fittings,  Travelling  Dressing  Bags  fitted  complete.. 
Reticule  and  Carnage  Bags,  Despatch  Boxes,  Travelling  and  Tourists'  Writing  Cases,  besides  a 
large  variety  of  other  Articles  too  numerous  to  specify,  suitable  for  Presentation. 

T.  A.  SIMPSON  &  Co., 

GOLDSMITHS,    JEWELLERS,  CLOCK  &  WATCH   MANUFACTURERS,  DRESSING-CASE 
MAKERS  AND  FOREIGN  IMPORTERS, 

154,  Regent  Street,  a«id  3,  Beak  Street,  W. 


l-Sth  size  of  original. 


■  None  are  superior." — Art  Journal.       "  Theirs  are  the  finest." — Photo  News. 
"  Brilliant  and  full  of  Life." — Athenceum. 

ALB  U  if     POEfEUTS. 

10    FOR    10s. 

LONDON    STEREOSCOPIC    COMPANY, 

54,  CHEAPSIDE,  (TWO  DOORS  WEST  BOW  CHURCH), 

Albums,  to  hold  50  Portraits,  10s. 

Just  out,  the  only  Portrait  (Album)  of  the  late  James  Bratdwood, 

Is.  6d.  free  by  Post. 

A  Suite  of  Dressiug  Rooms,  and  Lady  Attendants. 


Sold  in  Bottles  at  Is.  Utf. 
CAUTION— Be  sure  to  ask  for  ' 
the  various  imitations. 


EDY    FOR    INDIGESTION. 

Are  confidently  recommended  as  a  simple 
but  certain  Remedy  for Tiidigestion.  Tlioy 
act  as  a  powerful  Tonic  and ;  gentle  Aperi- 
ent ;  are  mild  in-  their  operation ;  safe 
under  any  circumstances-1;,  and  thousands 

Sof  persons  can  nowbear  testimony  to  the 
benefits  to  be  derived  from  their  use. 
2s.  9  /..  and  11«.  each,  in  every  town  in  the  kingdom. 
NORTON'S  PILLS,"  and  do  not  be  persuaded  to  purchase 


MESSES.  MECHI  ANB  BAZ1N 

A.  RE  Constantly  adding  new  and  approved  designs  to  their  Extensive  Stock  of  DRESSING* 

-^  cases,  "travelling  dressing  bags,  bespat  an  boxes, 

AND    TOURISTS'    WRITING  OASES.     The  "Bijou"  Photographs  of  all   the 
celebrities  of  the  day,  at  Is.  6d.  each. 

Catalogue  of  500  names,  post  free.     112,  Regent  Street,  and  4,  Leadenhall  Street,  London. 


A 


o'  CORNER  OF/ 

|||C|Mt'STPiEp 


utaassegr 

TOOTH  from  5s.,  set  £2  10s.     Without  Springs,  Wires,  or  any  painful  operation.     Natural 
Appearance  and  durability  guaranteed.     All  Consultations  free. 


AND    BIRTHDAY    PRESENTS.-H,    RODRXGTJES, 

42  PICCADILLY  invites  attention  to  his  elegant  STOCK  of  TRAVELLING  DRESSING 
BAGS,  DRESSING  CASES,  DESPATCH  BOXES,  Writing  Cases,  Work  Boxes,  Jewel  Case^s,  Scent  Caskets  and 
Glove  Boxes,  LADIES'  RETICULE  and  CA1UJ1AGK  BAGS  of  every  description:  MEDI/EVAI .MOUNTED 
ENVELOPE  CASKS,  BLOTT1NG-BOOKS.  and  INKSTANDS  en  suite  :  the  NEW  PATEN  I  M^M-(,LOS;ING 
BOOK-SLIDE,  also  a  clioice  variety  of  ELEGANCIES  and  NOVELTIES  suitable  for  PRESENTATION,  too 
various  to  enumerate,  to  lie  bad  at  „'„,.„„ 

HENRY  li.oPRlGUES',  42,  PICCADILLY,  two  doors  from  Sackville  Street,  \\ . 


-EDMISTGN    A5TO     SOB, 

■&■   Sole  Manufacturers  of  the  12  oz.  Waterproof  Coat  for  India,  guaranteed  not  to  be  sticky, 

no  matter  the  climate  it  is  subject  to.     Price  42s.,  all  silk  50s.  to  65s.     Measurement  required, 

the  length  and  size  round  the  chest.    Knapsacks  for  Tourists,  18s.  Gd. 

FISHING  STOCKINGS,  21s.  to  25s.  per  pair. 

5,  CHARING-  CROSS,  late   69,   STU&NI), 


T    MAPLE   &    Co.'s    FIRST 

W  •  CLASS  FURNITURE. 

Mahogany  Wing;  "Wardrobes,  9  guineas;  ditto,  with. 
Plate  Glass  Doors,  11  guineas;  ditto,  in  Painted 
Wood,  with.  Plate  Glass  Doors,  5£  guineas;  Bed- 
steads of  every  description,  in  Wood,  Iron,  andBrass, 
fitted  with  Drapery  and  Bedding  complete;  several 
Suites  of  Drawing-room  Furniture,  from  12  to  20 
guineas;  the  Eugenie  Easy  Chair,  '23s.;  Couch  to 
correspond,  3  guineas  ;  many  Chiffoniers,  with.  Plate 
Glass  and  Marble,  from  ,£5  to  £,~2b;  Marqueterie 
Cabinets  from  '2  guineas;  very  large  ditto,  in  Buhl, 
from  £12  to  £2b;  Bookcases  from  4&  guineas; 
Dining  Tables,  both,  in  Mahogany  and  Oak,  from  3 
to  30  guineas. 

J.  Maple  &  Co.,  entrance  145,  Tottenham  Court 
Koad,  the  most  convenient  Furnishing  Establish- 
ment in  the  world.  Families  Furnishing  should 
visit  these  Warehouses  before  giving  their  orders; 
it  will  save  them  much  time,  trouble,  andexpease. 
illustrated  Catalogue  on  application. 
Established  30  years. 


WEDDING  STATIONERY 

50  samples  POST  FREE 
PARKINS  &  G0TTO 
25  OXFORD  STlondon 


BAPEE  COLLAES,  6d.  PEE 

*  Doz.,  or  5s.  per  gross,  Post  free. — 
Patentee,  Abthur  Granger,  Paper  Hat  and  Dra- 
pery Depdt,  and  Cheap  Stationery  Warehouse,  308, 
High  Holborn,  W.C. 

Trade  supplied ;  Agents  wanted. 


HEATING'S  PERSIAN  INSECT  DESTROYING 
POWDER. 

FLEAS  IN  DOGS,  PQTJLTEY, 
<So  ,  are  instantly  destroyed,  as  also 
Bugs.  Beetles,  aod  every  other  Insect,  by  this 
Powder,  which  is  perfectly  harmless  to  animal  life; 
sportsmen  particularly  will,  therefore,  find  it 
invaluable. 

Sold  iu  Packets,  \s.,  2s.  6rf.,  and  4s.  6il.  each,  or 
post  free  for  U,  or  treble  size  for  36  postage  stamps, 
by  Thomas  Keating,  Chemist,  79,  St.  Paul's 
Churchyard,  Loudon. 

Take  notice  each  genuine  packet  bears  the  above 
name  and  address. 


ImilHPSON  &  Co'a  N«w  Perfume,  t 


"LA  DUCHESSE."  f  \ 

The  most  refreshing  snd  durable  of  ths  day.  I 
.  Price  2s.  3d.  of  *11  Chemists  and  Vendori  of  J 
i  Perfumery, or  by  letter  (enclosing  a  Port  Office  * 


m 


!'-,; 


Ferfumeryforei;erj!cftW(«te.   Cataloguetfreei  % 

GANGSTERS' 

Silk  and  Alpaca 
Umbrelba's,  and  Sun 
Shakes;,  ok  Pox's  Pa- 

kagon  Frames. 

140,  Keg-ent  Street,  W. ; 

94,  Meet  Street,  B.C.  ; 

10,RoyalExchange,E.C. 

75,  Cbeapside,  E.C. 

SHIPPERS  SUPPLIED. 

fiOOL    AND    EEFEESHING 

V  TOILETTE  REQUISITE. 

OLDRIDGE'S  BALM  OP  COLUMBIA  is  the  most 
certain  remedy  for  Restoring  and  Strengthening  the 
Hair.  By  it  Whiskers  and  Moustaches  are  produced 
and  beautified,  Ladies  will  find  it  especially  valuable, 
as  the  most  elegaut  head-dress  or  bonnet  can  be 
worn  without  fear  of  soiling.  Sold  in  bottles,  3s.  bd., 
6s.,  and  lis. 
C.  &  A.  Oldridge,  22,  Wellington  Street,  Strand. 


July  27,  1861.] 


PUNCH,.  OR  THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


UimrminrrnTinnriTmr. 


ODE  TO  PAM. 

Well,  Palmerston,  the  bard  did  sing 
We  're  not  all  up  to  everything, 

Not  any  mortal  every  point  is  right  on. 
An  admirable  Punch  I  am, 
And  you  're  an  admirable  Pam, 

But  nobody's  an  admirable  Crichton. 

Enlightened  statesmanship  's  your  line, 
You  almost  rival  me  in  mine. 

On  every  subject  speak  wise  words  in  season, 
Save  only  two,  or  some  say  three, 
Blaming,  in  your  theology, 

The  too  prevailing  element  of  reason. 

But  doctrine  we  will  set  apart — 
It  is  in  the  domains  of  Art 

And  Poetry,  elsewhere  at  home,  you  wander, 
Going,  like  any  sheep,  astray, 
Or  erring  creature,  fond  of  hay, 

But  thought  to  be  of  gorse  and  thistles  fonder. 

Tis  very  well,  in  terms  jocose, 
To  say  you  pensioned  Poet  Close, 

On  trust  of  other  peoples'  commendation. 
Confess  you  read  his  doggerel  base, 
And  looked  upon  it  as  a  case 

Of  genius,  and  of  genuine  inspiration. 

Acknowledge,  with  a  beaming  smile, 
You  don't  admire  the  Gothic  style, 

Because  you  have  a  Cockney's  eye  for  building. 
And  do  like  garish  marble  halls 
With  chubby  Cupids  on  the  walls, 

All  overdone  with  carving  and  with  gilding. 

Admit,  from  utter  want  of  taste, 
That  you  allowed  to  be  defaced 

Kensington  Gardens,  by  your  understrapper, 
With  an  intrusive  horse-parade, 
Against  the  public  wishes  made 

To  please  the  horsey  dandies  whippersnapper. 


A  Wee  Bit  o'  Siller. 


Dog  Fancier. 
o'  England,  Sir. 
regular  Hannuity 


"  Going 
No,  Sir. 
to  me  I " 


CANDOUR. 

lo  India,  Sir?     Oh,  then  I  couldn't  Sell  him,  Si) 
Why,  I  should  never  See  Him  Agin,  ten  to  one— 


Not  out 
and  he's  a 


A  Subscription  is  being  raised  for  John  Anderson, 
the  slave  who  struck  for  freedom,  and  won  it.  Mr. 
Punch  recommends  the  case  to  the  liberality  of  English 
freemen,  and  even  those  who  can  afford  to  send  no  more 
than  fourpence  may  do  so  with  the  appropriate  line, 

John  Anderson My  Joe. 


OUR  DRAMATIC  CORRESPONDENT. 

"Dear  Punch, 

"  Although  my  correspondence  is  professedly  dramatic,  1 
cannot  pass  unnoticed  the  fact  that  Giulia  Grisi,  the  Queen  of  Lyric 
Song,  is  at  length  about  to  abdicate  the  throne  she  long  has  filled. 
Her  eight  last  final  farewell  performances  are  over,  and  her  admirers 
have  but  one  more  chance  of  paying  her  their  court.  Wednesday  the 
24th  (the  day  when  these  lines  are  made  public)  is  fixed  for  her  retiring, 
and  they  who  have  not  taken  seats  before  they  see  this  notice  will  have 
faint  chance  of  getting  them.  A  '  bumper  at  parting'  one  can't  doubt 
that  there  will  be,  for  it  is  something  to  remember  to  have  seen  the  last 
of  Grisi. 

"  Quando  ullam  invenies  parem?" 

When  are  we  to  hope  to  look  upon  her  like  ?  Where  else  can  we  hear 
that  pure  and  classic  style  of  vocal  declamation,  or  see  sweeping  o'er 
the  stage  that  stately  queen-like  step  ?  When  again  shall  we  see 
Norma  as  Norma  should  be  seen,  or  again  so  deeply  sympathise  with 
Valentine  and  Desdemona?  This  I  could  not  well  help  thinking  when 
taking  my  last  look  at  her  as  Donna  Anna,  wherein  she  sang  and  acted 
I  will  not  say  as  finely  as  she  had  ever  done,  but  more  finely  than  I 
know  of  any  other  who  can  do.  No,  I  'm  not  forgetting  Tietjens. 
She  is  a  grand  singer,  and  still  grander  as  an  actress ;  but  in  neither, 
to  my  thinking,  is  she  yet  so  grand  as  Grisi. 

"  Au  reste,  Bon  Giovanni  was  capitally  cast,  and  indeed  the  whole 
performance  was  worthy  of  the  leave-taking.  To  say  that  Costa  was 
conductor  is  to  say  that  band  and  chorus  were  all  that  could  be  wished, 
and  that  the  accompaniments  (were  there  ever  such  accompaniments  ?) 
were  played  as  Mozart  woidd  have  loved  to  hear  them.  We  have  seen 
a  better  Bon,  we  who  remember  Tamburini  ;  but  can  any  one  imagine 


a  more  excellent  Masetto  ?  Pudnconi's  rustic  clumsiness  all  our  stage 
bumpkins  should  see,  and  lay  to  heart  a  lesson  from  his  admirable  bye- 
play.  They  may  learn  how  to  be  humorous  without  making  themselves 
ludicrous,  and  how  to  keep  their  drollery  from  overstepping  nature. 

"  What  do  I  think  of  Path  now,  I  've  seen  her  as  Zerlina  ?  Well, 
I  frankly  own  she  charmed  me  more  than  I  expected.  Girlish,  fresh 
and  graceful  in  both  her  voice  and  bearing,  she  sang  and  acted  with 
good  taste,  and  neither  overdid  her  part  nor  played  tricks  with  the 
music.  There  was  no  smack  of  the  '  infantine  phenomenon '  per- 
ceivable, and  (is  it  that  Mozart  is  more  inspiring  than  Bellini?) 
there  seemed  more  impulse  and  more  spirit  in  her  playing  and  her 
singing  than  when  I  saw  her  in  Sonnambv.la,  I  thought  she  coidd 
exhibit.  How  her  talents  may  develope  I  shall  not  pretend  to  pro- 
phesy, but  I  fancy  her  Zerlina  will  afford  me  greater  pleasure  than  her 
lunatic  Lucia  or  her  consumptive  Traviata :  and  I  hope,  now  I  have 
heard  her  sing  such  music  as  Mozart's,  that  she  will  not  run  the  risk 
of  spoiling  her  good  taste  by  singing  too  much  in  the  sickly  sentimental 
Verdi  school,  which  brings  improvement  neither  to  the  smger  nor 
the  listener. 

"  With  the  exception  of  a  comedy  translated  for  the  Haymarket  by 
the  veteran  Mr.  Planche,  and  a  skit  at  the  Adelphi  on  the  question 
of  Belgravian  Mammas  v.  Pretty  Horsebreakers,  there  are  no  dramatic 
novelties  to  bring  before  your  notice  :  and  my  comments  on  these  two 
I  shall  defer  imtil  I  've  seen  them — I  wonder,  do  the  critics  adhere 
always  to  this  ride  ?  At  the  latter  house  the  Bead  Heart  has  once 
more  been  brought  to  life,  as  the  Colleen  Bawn  has  been  withdrawal  for 
a  few  weeks.  The  withdrawal  took  place  not  because  the  piece  had 
ceased  to  draw,  but  because  poor  Mues-na-Cojppaleen  required  a  little 
breathing  time  after  his  tremendous  headers  in  the  lake,  of  which  ter- 
rific jumps  he  has  now  taken  here  in  London  two  hundred  and  thirty 
one  !     I  am  somewhat  at  a  loss  to  account  for  such  success,  for  though 


VOL.  XLI. 


34 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[July  27,  1861. 


to  my  thinking  the  piece  is  somewhat  cleverly  constructed,  (especially  the  Gave 
Scene,)  it,  contains  but  little  that  can  raise  it  above  ordinary  melodramas.  But 
playgoers  in  general  are  a  rather  sheep-like  race,  and  blindly  follow  one  another 
wherever  fashion  leads  them.  Very  certainly,  however,  I  rejoice  at  such  success 
on  Mr.  Manager's  account,  for  he  well  deserves  whatever  solid  proof  of  popu- 
larity he  gets,  for  no  man  in  his  position  has  ever  tried  more  earnestly  to  please 
the  fickle  public.  I  feel  inclined  to  clap  my  hands  too  on  the  author's  own 
account,  for  I  am  told  that  he  participates  fairly  hi  the  profits ;  and  this  prin- 
ciple is  one  I  think  of  benefit  to  the  drama,  for  when  a  writer  has  directly  an 
interest  in  the  long-continued  running  of  a  piece,  he  will  surely  spare  no  pains  to 
do  his  utmost  towards  ensuring  it. 

"  One  Who  Pays." 

"P.S.  By  the  bye;  Mrs.  Stirling,  to  whom  all  playgoers  owe  so  much,  has 
been  robbed  of  her  trinkets— many  of  them  birthday  gifts  and  such  like  memorials. 
An  Amateur  Performance  at  Camden  House  will  be  given  by  some  of  her  admirers 
to  replace  the  money  value  of  her  loss.  August  the  third  is  the  day  fixed  for  Peg 
Woffmgtorfs  benefit." 


The  Age  of  the  Comet  ascertained  to  a  Nicety.     The  Antediluvians  Recognise  an  Old 
Acgicaintance  of  A.M.  1372. 


PUNCH'S    ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

July  15,  Monday.  English  residents  in  India  made,  through  Lord  Ellen- 
borough,  the  not  unreasonable  request  that  when  they  have  to  be  tried  they  may 
be  tried  before  English  judges  and  juries.  Every  man  except  one  man  must  desire 
to  be  judged  by  his  peers,  the  exception  being,  of  course,  the  architect  who  has 
built  a  bad  bridge.  Lord  Talbot  de  Malahide  adverted  to  the  subject  of 
Treasure  _  Trove— or  hidden  (not  to  say,  absurdly,  Malahidden)  treasure.  Einders 
of  curiosities  have  an  unfortunate  habit  of  thinking  them  then  own,  and  of  acting; 
upon  that  conviction ;  and  if  the  Crown  would  offer  rewards  for  the  surrender  of 
such  matters,  valuable  archaeological  relics,  his  Lordship  thought,  would  be  saved 
from  the  melting-pot.  The  difficulty  is,  that  Lords  of  Manors  and  others  have 
rights  which  the  Crown  might  injure.  But  with  all  conceivable  respect  for  vested 
rights,  Mr.  Punch  conceives  that  John  Tomkins,  Esq.,  1861,  has  not  much  real 
claim  to  coins  buried  by  Johannes  de  Tomicyns,  1352,  and  that  the  land  which 
has  been  taking  the  trouble  to  keep  them  hi  her  faithful  bosom  all  the  inter- 
mediate time,  has  a  sort  of  right  to  put  them  in  her  cabinet  hi  Great  Russell 
Street.  Lord  Clanrtcarde  obtained  an  address  for  mquiring  into  the  state  of  the 
Common  Law  Courts  in  Ireland,  where,  this  noble  Lishman  reports,  there  are  a  great 
many  more  judges  than  are  wanted,  and  that  the  whole  lot  do  less  work  than  two 
English  judges.    Now  this  is  no  allegation  by  a  cruel  and  brutal  Saxon  who  longs 


to  tear  away  the  consecrated  ermine  from  the  shoulders  of 
the  Hibernian  Themis,  but  the  statement  of  Ulick  de 
Burgh,  descendant  of  the  Great  Lord  of  Connaught  in 
1227.  Lord  Stratheden  urged  the  appointment  of  a 
British  Beak  at  Mozambique,  in  order  to  help  the  Portu- 
guese to  put  down  the  slave-trade,  but  Lord  Granville 
preferred  to  wait  until  Dr.  Livingstone  should  have  had 
time  to  carry  out  his  operations.  And  a  Committee  was 
appointed  to  consider  the  case  of  the  Turner  and  Yernon 
pictures. 

Tom  Duncombe  wished  to  know  whether  the  American 
Secessionists  are  to  be  allowed  to  tar  and  feather  British 
subjects.  Lord  John  Russell— but,  under  the  circum- 
stances, he  must  have  a  new  paragraph— 

Earl  Ludlow,  or  Earl  Russell,  aid  quocunqtce,  replied 
that  he  had  heard  of  only  one  case  of  the  kind,  and  in 
that  case  a  Britisher  was  about  served  right  for  wearing 
partizan  colours — yes,  Sir. 

Six  Irishmen  tried  to  prevent  the  House  from  going  into 
Supply,  by  raising  a  long  debate  on  Lish  Education.  The 
answer  to  all  objections  to  the  present  system  is,  that  we  are 
teaching  800,000  little  Irish  folk,  and  as  the  new  Census 
shows  that  there  are  but  5,764,513  people  in  Ireland,  the 
per-centage  is  exceedingly  satisfactory.  The  6  were 
defeated  by  36,  and  the  English  tyrants  voted  £285,377 
for  Irish  Education.  Lito  the  Offences  against  the  Person 
Bill  Mr.  Henley  discovered  that  the  Attorney-General 
had  introduced  a  clause  which  would  place  any  unfortunate 
refugee  at  the  mercy  of  the  Police,  and  would  do,  hi  fact, 
what  the  House  so  vigorously  refused  to  do,  some  time 
ago,  to  please  our  friend  the  Fisher  for  Erogs.  Mr.  Wal- 
pole  supported  Mr.  Henley  in  denouncing  this  clause, 
and  after  a  little  battle,  the  Government  of  course,  gave 
way.  It  is  thought  that  the  great  guns  of  the  Administra- 
tion had  not  been  aware  of  the  nature  of  the  clause,  for  they 
made  only  Eort  Sumter  firing,  with  sawdust  in  their  shells, 
and  surrendered  as  quickly  as  they  could.  Atherton 
must  uot  do  this  sort  of  thing  without  leave,  or  we  shall  be 
obliged  to  put  the  naughty  boy  in  the  Judge's  corner  at 
once. 

Tuesday.  Lords — Lidia. 

In  the  Commons,  after  a  preliminary  squabble  ^  on  the 
Irwin  business,  hereafter  mentioned,  and  a  refusal  by 
Government  to  appoint  a  Consid  at  Pesth,  the  only 
interesting  business  of  this  night  was  the  discussion 
on  the  vote  of  £12,000  for  the  National  Gallery.  Lord 
Henry  Lennox  was  very  urgent  upon  Government  not 
to  incur  any  expenses  for  new  galleries.  Lord  Pal- 
merston  praised  the  plan  of  Captain  Eowke,  for  im- 
proving the  Trafalgar  Square  building,  but  thought  that 
what  had  been  done  there  had  been  well  done,  which 
indeed  it  ought  to  have  been,  for  the  job  has  cost  £15,000. 
He  said  that  the  Academy  was  quite  ready  to  move  out 
when  requested  to  do  so.  Mr.  Layard  dwelt  upon  our 
pictorial  wealth,  and  our  inability  to  exhibit  it,  and  poor 
old  Mr.  Spooner  complained  that  in  the  National  Portrait 
Gallerv  there  was  a  likeness  of  Nell  Gwynne.  Mr.  Punch 
only  doubts  whether  the  foundress  of  Chelsea,  who  has 
surely  been  harmless  long  enough  to  permit  us  to  remember 
only  'her  good  points,  ought  not  to  have  a  statue  by  the 
Thames.  Divers  strong  hints  were  given  that  the  sooner 
the  Academy  cleared  out  of  Trafalgar  Square  the  better. 
Apropos  thereof,  Mr.  Punch  hereby  pats  the  heads  of  the 
Boyal  Academicians,  and  the  other  distinguished  artists 
who  have  pubhely  protested  against  the  six-legged  in- 
truders into  Kensington  Gardens.  When  the  Sacred  Grove 
is  delivered  from  the  galloping  Swells,  let  it,  in  gratitude 
be  called  the  Grove  of  Academus,  which  the  Swells  will 
not  be  able  to  spell.  On  second  thought,  however,  the 
rhododendron  walk  deserves  the  name  already,  (if  one 
accepted  derivation  of  the  title  be  correct,)  for,  thanks  to 
Cowper,  it  is  Removed  from  the  People. 

Wednesday.  If  Sheridan  had  written  the  play  of  the 
Minor,  there  might  have  been  some  slight  reason  for  his 
descendant's  meddling  with  mines  ;  but ,  as  he  wanted  even 
that  excuse  for  bringing  in  a  Mining  Bill  which  was 
generally  condemned,  and  even  repudiated  by  Mr.  Paull, 
whose  name  was  on  it,  Ave  cannot  condole  with  him  on  the 
extinction  of  his  legislative  Davy's  lamp,  and  the  con- 
signing it  to  Davy's  locker.  The  Bill  for  enabling  people 
to  give  criminal  evidence  without  swearing  made  some  pro- 
gress. On  the  Metropolis  Act,  Mr.  Ayrton  objected  to 
the  Thwaites  Parliament  being  allowed  to  alter  the  names 
of  streets,  so  the  power  is  to  be  limited  to  the  cases 
where  several  streets  are  called  by  the  same  name.    This 


July  27,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


35 


restriction  is  simply  as  absurd  as  most  legislation— if  a  council  can  be 
trusted  to  unchristen  a  couple  of  rows  of  cottages  which  two  uxorious 
builders  have  called  Sarah- Aim  Terraces,  why  can  it  not  be  allowed  to 
alter  King  Street  into  Dryden  Street,  or  Buggin's  Row  into  Massinger 
Buildings  ? 

The  House  rose  early,  and  a  great  many  of  the  Members  went  and 
dressed  themselves  elegantly,  and  proceeded  to  the  Mansion  House, 
where  Lord  Mayor  Cubitt  gave  a  splendid  feast  in  honour  of  Mr. 
Cobden  and  M.  Michel  Chevalier,  as  negotiators  of  the  French 
Treaty.  The  best  utterances  on  the  occasion  were  by  Mr.  Cobden  and 
Miss  Poole,  who  were  loudly  applauded.  Nothing  could  be  properer 
than  a  City  dinner  on  such  an  occasion,  for  the  Treaty  is  held  to  be  a 
piece  of  peace  policy,  and  what  fitter  emblems  of  Peace  and  Love  are 
there  than  Turtles  ?  Mr.  Punch  begs  also  to  mention,  to  the  extreme 
honour  and  glory  of  the  Lord  Mayor,  that  instead  of  giving  the  sort 
of  wine  which  mean  Mayors  have  dared  to  set  before  the  Immortal, 
Lord  Mayor  Cubitt  set  forth  liquids  which  were  all  first-rate,  as-the 
Immortal  has  some  faint  recollection  of  having  remarked  to  the  stars, 
en  route  to  Eaton  Square. 

Thursday.  India  in  the  Lords,  and  a  speech  by  the  new  Lord  Chan- 
cellor iii  honour  of  the  English  bar,  to  which  the  Indian  Judicature 
Bill  is  about  to  open  a  prospect  that,  as-  Lord  Westbury  said,  will 
produce  a  hydraulic  effect  upon  the  mouths  of  many  in  Westminster 
Hall.  Mr.  Milner  Gibson  withdrew  the  Trades  Marks  Bill,  as 
requiring  more  consideration  than  would  be  given  to  it  by  gentlemen 
who  are  thinking  of  "  marking  "  of  another  kind.  The  debate,  when  it 
comes,  will  be  edifying,  and  Mr.  Punch  begs  to  subjoin  a  brief  extract 
from  a  leading  article  m  the  Glasgow  Morning  Journal,  which  in  alluding 
to  a  recent  case  of  Trade  Marking  says — 

"  Very  adroitly  Lad  one  firm — who,  we  suppose,  are  good  upon  'Change  for  thou- 
sands—gone about  the  dodge.  Besides  adopting  the  colour  of  the  paper  used  for 
packing" the  French  cotton,  which  was  of  a  very  peculiar  shade,  and  putting  the 
French  superscription  on  the  outside,  they  affixed  the  mark  of  an  anchor  upon  the 
packages — the  French  device  was  a  cross — but  had  the  packages  tied  up  in  such  a 
way  that  the  string  concealed  the  flukes  of  the  anchor,  and  gave  it  all  the  appear- 
ance of  a  cross  also.  We  need  say  no  more  than  that  the  case  against  these  merchant 
princes  was  so  clear  that  the  Vice-Chancellor  did  not  think  it  necessary  to  call  on 
the  plaintiff's  counsel  to  reply.  Let  not  this  instance  of  unswerving  mercantile 
morality  be  forgot  when  our  Sheffield  and  Birmingham  cutlers  cry  out  against  the 
Belgian  makers  for  imitating  their  trade  marks." 

The  lawyers  had  an  innings,  the  Attorney-General  explaining  that 
upon  the  Bankruptcy  Bill  Government  had  decided  to  "  disagree  "  with 
the  Lords  as  to  the  appointment  of  the  new  Supreme  Judge,  and  to 
make  a  fight  for  that  creation.  Mr.  Bovill  thought  the  big  Judge  was 
not  wanted,  and  urged  that  he  would  be  uncommonly  expensive.  Various 
other  big-wigs  spoke  alternately,  and  then  the  new  Solicitor-General 
came  out  with  his  first  ofiicial  speech,  in  defence  of  the  Judge  appoint- 
ment. Him  did  Cairns  compliment  on  his  appearance,  and  seek  to 
refute  in  argument,  and  on  division  the  Government  obtained  a  victory, 
having  173  to  129.  As  the  parent  of  the  Bdl  is  now  up  aloft,  we  shall 
hear  whether  his  eloquence  will  avail  to  induce  the  Lords  to  retract 
their  decision.  Lord  Derby,  Mr.  Punch  perceives,  has  packed  his 
shirts  and  razors  in  order  to  be  off  to  Knowsley,  so  the  most  formidable 
oppouent  of  the  measure  will  be  out  of  the  way. 

Friday.  Lord  Taunton  gave  very  sensible  counsel  upon  the  subject 
of  two  statues  which  are  contemplated,  or  rather  which  are  not  at 
present  contemplated  because  they  are  not  in  existence,  but  which  it  is 
proposed  to  erect  in  St.  Margaret's  Square,  Parliament  Palace,  to 
Brunel  and  Stephenson.  He  hoped  that  care  would  be  taken  to 
make  these  memorials  worthy  of  the  men  and  suitable  to  the  locality, 
adding  a  grievous  doubt  whether  they  woidd  be  either. 

An  interesting  Polish  debate  followed,  and  all  sorts  of  noble  Lords 
expressed  all  sorts  of  noble _ sentiments  in  favour  of  Poland;  but  all 
agreed  that  the  very  best  tiling  she  can  do  is  to  lie  quiet,  and  hope 
the  best  from  the  good  feeling  of  the  Emperor  op  Russia. 

Mr.  Newdegate  made  a  speech  in  abuse  of  the  Inland  Revenue 
Bill,  and  a  variety  of  small  objections  were  urged  against  some  of  its 
clauses,  but  Peelides  pushed  it  through  Committee.  Lever,  of  Gal- 
way,  assailed  by  petitioning  Irwin,  of  Quod,  declared  himself  spotless 
and  virtuous,  and  Irwin  something  entirely  different.  As  usual  on  a 
personal  matter,  there  was  much  solemn  cackle. 

But  then  came  a  debate  of  real  interest  and  importance.  Mr.  King- 
lake  demanded  whether  the  Government  would  deny  that  the  King  of 
Italy  had  an  intention  of  ceding  Sardinia  to  France.  Sir  Robert  Peel 
supported  him  in  his  demand.  Earl  Ludlow  or  Russell  (Mr.  Punch 
is  always  a-head  of  all  the  world)  made  an  effective  speech.  He  paid 
a  high  tribute  to  Baron  Ricasoli,  but  said  that  if,  after  his  declaration 
that  he  would  not  cede  an  inch  of  Italian  soil,  he  should  think  of  givhig 
up  Sardinia,  he  would  be  one  of  the  Meanest  of  Equivocators.  Prance 
and  Italy  had  distinctly  declared  to  the  English  Government  that  there 
was  no  idea  of  such  cession.  We  ought  to  be  very  vigilant,  and  very 
strongly  armed,  but  ought  not  to  be  always  evincing  suspicion.  The 
suggested  annexation  would  at  once  put  an  end  to  the  alliance  of 
England  and  France.  Our  Earl  in  futuro  also  spoke  kindly  of  Spain, 
warmly  of  Italy,  hopefully  of  peace,  but  renewed  his  emphatic  decla- 


ration that  it  was  the  duty  of  England  to  keep  her  sword  bright 
and  ready.  Bowyer,_  of  course,  emitted  bosh  hi  the  interest  of  the 
Papacy,  and  upon  him  did  Peelides  fall  in  thunder,  defending  the 
policy  of  England  towards  Italy,  and  braying  the  Bourbons  in  a  mortar. 
Some  mewling  complaints  which  poor  Lord  Normanby  had  made,  in 
behalf  of  the  En-Luke  of  Modena,  were  hardly  worth  the  notice 
of  Peelides,  but  it  may  be  imagined  that  he  made'  slaughtering  work 
with  them.  Mr.  Layard  spoke  up  valiantly  for  Cavour  and  his 
truthfulness.  The  whole  debate  was  of  a  character  which  the  great 
Punch  has  not  often  to  notice,  and  which,  if  he  were  ever  given  to 
despair  of  our  Monarchical  Republic,  would  prevent  his  indulging 
himself  in  so  unphilosophical  a  recreation. 


THE  ABDICATION  OF  THE  QUEEN  OF  SOIJG. 

"  Wednesday,  July  the  24th,  is  fixed  for  Madame  Grisi's  retirement  from  the 
stage." 

ne    "bumper"    at  parting, 

though  many 
xl  crammed  house  to  hear 

her  have  met : 
For  her  farewell  the  fullest 

of  any 
Remains  to  be  filled  by  us 

yet. 
Of  the    charms    that    her 

genius  hath  in  it, 
Each  performance  a  fresh 

one  brings  forth, 
And  hardly  until  the  last 

minute 
Shall  we  realise  fairly  its 

worth. 
So,  fill  we  a  bumper,  and 

treasure 
The   thought    that  we  've 

heard  her  last  note  : 
'Tis  meet  we  who  owe  her 

such  pleasure, 
To  her  farewell  our  presence 

devote. 

This  evening  will  see  our 

"  Star"  sinking 
From   the    scene    by    her 

genius  made  bright, 
While  our  ears  her  last  ac- 
cents are  drinking 
Ere  she  fadeth  for  aye  from 
our  sight. 
Gone  our  Valentine,  our  Desdemona, 

And  Semiramis,  stateliest  queen, 
Gone  our  Norma  ! — shall  we  not  bemoan  a 

Sweet  syren  as  Grisi  hath  been  ? 
But  fill  we  a  bumper,  and  treasure 

The  thought  that  we  've  heard  her  last  note : 
'Tis  meet  we  who  owe  her  such  pleasure 
To  her  farewell  our  presence  devote. 


YANKEE  GREEKS  AND  TROJANS. 

According  to  intelligence  received  from  New  York,  the  telegraphic 
wires  between  that  city  aud  Troy  have  been  burnt.  _  It  is  a  hard  matter 
to  bum  wire,  except  in  oxygen  gas,  and  the  combustion  of  wires  perhaps 
could  scarcely  have  occurred  even  in  the  conflagration  of  the  original 
Troy.  "  Burnt  "  is  probably  a  blunder  for  which  we  should  read 
"  broken."  The  destruction,  however,  of  the  telegraphic  wire  con- 
necting New  York  with  Troy  was  probably  a  strategic  operation,  and 
suggests  the  possibility  of  a  second  siege  of  Troy.  The  siege  of  Troy, 
U.S.,  .or  late  U.S.,  will  perhaps  be  immortalised,  by  some  Yankee 
versifier  in  an  Iliad  composed  in  the  language  of  Birdopreedom 
Sawin.  Or  the  "  blind  old  man  of  Scio's  rocky  isle "  may  find  a 
successor  hi  Longfellow,  who  is  less  likely  than  any  other  fellow 
either  in  the  Union  or  down  South,  to  fall  short  of  Homer. 


Egging  Him  On. 


Knowing  Old  Gentleman.  Now,  Sir,  talking  of  eggs,  can  you  tell  me 
where  a  ship  lays  to  ? 

Smart  Youth  (not  in  the  least  disconcerted).  Don't  know,  Sir,  unless 
it  is  in  the  hatchway. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[July  27,  1861. 


WELL!    THE   BOLDNESS   OF   SOME   PEOPLE !  "-A   SKETCH   ON   THE   BRIGHTON    COAST. 


John  Russell,  Earl  Ludlow,  John, 

When  we  were  first  acquent, 
You  would  have  scorned  the  haven 

On  which  you  now  are  bent. 
But  times  are  not  more  changed,  John, 

From  thirty  years  ago, 
Than  from  the  Lord  John  once  I  knew 

Will  be  the  Earl  Ludlow. 

John  Russell,  Earl  Ludlow,  John, 

We  cried  "  Reform  "  together  ; 
But  Reformers  now-a-days,  John, 

Have  all  clapped  on  the  tether ; 
The  Big  Reform  Bill  pass'd,  John, 

The  Small  one  proved  No  Go ; 
And  you  can  boast  a  hand  in  both, 

When  you  are  Earl  Ludlow. 


JOHN  RUSSELL,  EARL  LUDLOW 

Air — "  John  Anderson,  my  Joe." 

John  Russell,  Earl  Ludlow,  John, 

A  gallant  course  you  've  fared, 
Spite  of  letters,  now  and  then,  John, 

That  had  been  better  spared. 
The  British  Constitu ,  John, 

You  've  talked  out  long  ago ; 
You  '11  drop  your  common  places, 

I  hope,  as  Earl  Ludlow. 

John  Russell,  Earl  Ludlow,  John, 

I  can't  refrain  a  groan, 
Contrasting  your  new  sphere,  John, 

With  that  where  once  you  shone. 
The  House  of  Lords  I  fear,  John, 

You  '11  find  uncommon  slow. 
And  for  the  Commons,  gipsy-like, 

You  '11  sigh,  when  Earl  Ludlow. 


John  Russell,  Earl  Ludlow,  John, 

You  '11  miss  that  field  of  fight, 
Where  each  day  brought  its  council, 

Its  struggle  every  night. 
At  eight  your  business  done,  John, 

Home  from  the  Beers  you  '11  go, 
And,  like  Bat,  "for  want  of  bating," 

You'll  mould,  my  Earl  Ludlov>  . 

John  Russell,  Earl  Ludlow,  John, 

I  count  the  glorious  names, 
Who  to  put  on  Beer's  ermine 

Laid  down  then  earlier  fames — 
Of  Chatham,  Holland,  Pulteney — 

Whose  ghosts  in  warning  row, 
Within  the  House  of  Lords,  John, 

Wring  hands  o'er  Earl  Ludlow  ! 


AIDS  TO  AGRICULTURE. 

Ax  theLeeds  Agricultural  Society's  annual  meeting,  there  is  wont  to 
be  exhibited  a  number  of  miscellaneous  and  unclassified  inventions, 
unconnected,  or  supposed  to  be  not  particularly  connected,  with  agri- 
culture. Among  these,  this  year,  were  included  baths,  beer-engines, 
and  boot-cleaning  apparatus.  Baths,  however,  and  boot-cleaning  appa- 
ratus, are  very  desirable  adjuncts  to  a  farm.  Agricultural  proceedings, 
such  as  threshing  and  haymaking,  usually  induce  states  of  skin  which 
render  ablution  peculiarly  necessary,  and,  after  clodhopping  over  a 
chalk  or  clay  soil,  anybody  woidd  be  glad  of  a  boot-cleaning  apparatus 
at  hand,  or  rather  at  foot,  to  remove  the  five  or  six  pounds  of  mud 
which  the  clodhopper  has  cleaving  to  his  heels.  Beer-engines  are  very 
highly  requisite,  and  on  a  large  farm  they  ought  to  be  powerful  engines, 
so  as  to  draw  beer  enough  to  slake  the  thirst  of  a  multitude  of  per- 
spiring reapers,  who,  bathed  in  moisture,  are  nevertheless,  as  they  say- 


in  Hampshire,  "  terreeable  dry."  But  the  farm  beer-engine  ought  to 
be  connected  with  a  cellar  of  good  home-brewed  beer,  and-  then  it  will 
have  the  wholesome  effect  not  only  of  refreshing  and  invigorating  the 
labourers,  but  also  of  keeping  them  away  from  the  public-house,  and 
the  jerry-shop,  where  beer-engines  generally  communicate  with  the  very 
worst  of  swipes,  or  with  bitter  ale,  the  best  of  which  is  tolerably  good 
physic  of  the  tonic  kind,  and  nearly  as  nice  as  infusion  of  gentian ;  but 
is  rather  the  sort  of  stuff  to  cure  the  complaint  of  "  seediness,"  and 
"hot  coppers,"  than  that  of  natural  thirst,  such  as  carters  and  plough- 
men are  frequently  _  attacked  with  in  the  course  of  a  day  spent  in 
actively  and  energetically  carrying  out  the  operations  of  agriculture. 
Parm-labourers  sometimes  ignorantly  object  to  machinery,  but  the 
dullest  of  clowns  has  sense  enough  to  approve  of  the  beer-engine. 


The  Falsest  of  Palse  Utterers—  One  who  coins  lies. 


ft 

I— I 

ft 


H 
O 

l-H 

H 

*=} 


a 

Q 

o 
ft 

i-3 

W 

o 

« 
o 

o 

W 
> 
ft 

<j 
l> 

ft 


GO 


July  27,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


39 


OUR    ROVING    CORRESPONDENT. 

"  My  dear  Punch, 

"  I  dare  say  while  staying  at  Rome,  or  Paris,  or  Dresden,  or 
Munich,  you  have  not  failed  to  observe  the  wonderful  confidence  and 
simplicity  with  which  our  fair  countrywomen  trip  through  the  various 
picture-galleries  in  those  famous  cities,  making  running  notes  on 
Raphael— dotting  down  Titian  with  an  H.B.  pencil,  transferring 
Mantegna  to  the  fly-leaf  of  Murray,  and  cutting  up  a  work  by  Guido 
with  no  more  remorse  than  if  it  were  a  wedding-cake.  The  ease  and 
rapidity  with  which  these  charming  critics  form  acquaintance  with  and 
discuss  the  merits  of  the  old  Masters  is  truly  astonishing.  I  once 
heard  a  young  lady  (who  certainly  did  know  how  to  turn  her  eyes  to 
excellent  account)  remark,  that  she  had  '  done '  the  Capitol  between 
the  hours  of  breakfast  and  lunch,  adding  that  she  would  be  able  to  give 
me  a  full  description  of  the  Borghese  Collection  by  the  time  we  met  at 
dinner.  '  Per  Bacco  !  Ma'am,5 1  exclaimed — you  know  we  were  in  Italy, 
and  I  always  ejaculate,  if  possible,  in  the  language  of  the  country  where 
I  am  residing — l  per  Bacco  !  What  a  mutt'  is  your  humble  servant. 
Here  have  I  been  spending  months  in  the  study  of  a  single  gallery 
and  am  half  inclined  to  throw  up  my  profession  in  despair,  at  my 
ignorance.3 

"  And  this  is  what  I  always  feel  regarding  the  works  of  Vandyke 
Brown  and  Mac  Ochre  in  our  English  Academy.  Is  justice  ever 
done  to  those  renowned  artists  ?  Seeing  an  Exhibition  indeed !  Give 
me  one  picture  in  one  room  for  one  hour  and  I  will  try  and  tell  you 
something  about  it.  The  remarks  which  1  make  in  these  letters  may 
amuse  and  cannot  possibly  offend  the  public,  but  as  for  pretending  that 
I  have  carefully  examined  every  one  of  the  eleven  hundred  and  thirty- 
four  works  of  art  exhibited  at  the  R.A.,  and  as  for  setting  up  as  a 
learned  critic— psha !  I  know  the  value  of  my  own  malt,  and  am  as 
modest  a  fellow  as  you  could  wish  to  see. 

"  With  this  little  exordium  then  I  enter  the  Middle  Room,  and 
without  commenting  on  the  unfortunate  bathos  which  occurs  from  the 
juxtaposition  in  the  catalogue  of  the  Spirits  Might  and  Preparing  for 
'Dinner,  I  pass  on  to  Mr.  Calderon's  picture  (214),  viz.  Liberating 
Prisoners  on  the  Young  Heir's  Birthday.  The  young  hen  looks  some- 
what frightened,  and  but  for  the  presence  of  his  father  would  hardly 
feel  inclined  to  volunteer  his  own  presents  _  to  that  rascally  red-nosed 
Bardolph  who  kneels  before  him.  The  ingredients  of  tenderness, 
humour,  beauty,  and  grotesque,  which  are  mixed  together  hi  this 
Calderon  make  me  hope  that  this  gentleman  will  never  let  his  brush 
he  idle — in  short  that  Calderon  will  keep  the  pot  boiling. 

"  Mr.  Whaite  exhibits  A  Leaf  from  the  Book  of  Nature,  which  is  a 
modest  title,  considering  the  amount  of  foliage  depicted  in  this  land- 
scape. It  is  as  full  of  truth  as  of  beauty,  and  the  moss-covered 
boulders  are  as  near  reality  as  Nature  herself  could  lichen  them. 

_  "  If  Mr.  Hunt  has  chosen  a  simple  theme  this  year,  it  only  shows 
his  capability  for  treating  all  subjects  with  equal  skill.  There  is  much 
to  admire  in  his  Street  Scene  in  Cairo  (231),  and  many  will  consider  that 
his  lantern  maker  exhibits  his  powers  in  a  new  light. 

"  The  painting  (211)  by  Mr.  Hughes  might  bear  a  double  interpre- 
tation. I  am  still  uncertain  whether  the  draper's_  fan  customer  is 
deterred  from  or  inveigled  into  her  purchase  by  '  ruinous  prices,'  and 
whether  the  poor  girl  in  black  is  concluding  a  bargain,  or  being  under- 
paid for  her  needlework.  In  either  case  the  moral  is  a  good  one,  and  I 
advise  young  ladies  to  look  to  it. 

"  So  much  has  been  said  in  praise  of  Mr.  Eaed's  work  (217)  that  I 
may  well  be  excused  from  paushig  to  describe  it.  Such  subjects  never 
fail  to  rouse  an  interest  in  all  English  hearts,  and  there  was  no  need  to 
introduce  a  minute  glass,  or  let  that  smouldering  candle  burn  so  low  to 
point  a  moral  in  the  '  last  scene  of  all  that  ends  this  strange  eventful 
history.'  That  famous  carpet,  which  in  the  Arabian  Nights  transports 
its  owner  whither  he  pleases,  is  scarcely  more  wonderful  than  Mr. 
Lewis's  canvas  (266)  which,  under  the  influence  of  his  magic  touch, 
sets  us  down  in  the  Bezestein,  Cairo,  and  introduces  us  to  a  blue 
breeched,  slippered  merchant,  ayIio,  stick  or  yard-wand  (?)  hi  hand,  pre- 
sides over  his  goods  with  a  graceful  solemnity  which  does  him  more 
credit  than  he  is  likely  to  give  his  customers.  Not  having  yet  made 
much  progress  in  Oriental  languages  I  am  doubtful  whether  the  name 
M  Khan  Khalic  refers  to  the  party  in  question,  but  that  his  ell  cane  can 
lick  is  very  probable,  and  I  dare  say  the  little  '  gamins '  in  Cairo  are  aware 
of  the  fact  and  discreetly  keep  beyond  the  reach  of  this  '  regular  Turk.' 

"  I  admire  Mr.  Keyl's  very  clever  and  truthful  little  picture,  Winter 
Coals  (304),  so  much  that  I  hope  he  will  aspire  to  some  subject  of  a 
higher  class  next  year.  To  '  carry  Coals  to  Newcastle '  is  proverbially 
a  mistake,  and  it  seems  a  pity  that  an  artist  of  such  ability  should  send 
them  to  the  Academy. 

"It  now  becomes  my  painful  duty  to  call  your  attention  to  a  pun 
evidently  perpetrated  by  the  Hanging  Committee,  who,  not  content 
with  recognising  Mr.  Meadows  in  A  Cornfield  (307),  have  hung  that 
gentleman's  picture  close  to  that  of  Miss  Hay  (308).  Writing  to 
Mother  (315),  is  a  little  cabinet  painting,  by  Mr.  Erwood,  in  that 
simple  unaffected  style  which  he  has  almost  made  his  own.  It  has 
more  poetry  in  it  than  many  works  of  higher  aim. 


_  ]\  o.  343  is  a  noble  portrait  of  Miss  Alice  Prinsep,  who  must 
indeedbe  'facile  prmceps '  as  a  reigning  belle,  if  one  may  judge  from 
this  painting.  I  say  it  in  all  sincerity,  for  Mr.  Watts  is  the  artist,  and 
his  work  may  tend  to  prove  after  all '  What 's  in  a  name.' 

"  No.  3S1  represents  a  Franciscan  sculptor  chipping  away  at  a  huge 
gurgoylc,  while  a  jolly  old  toper  '  of  the  period '  crouches  under  a 
stone  bottle  (doubtless  lately  filled  with  his  favourite  beverage),  as  a 
model.  However  much  ram  may  flow  through  the  gurgoyle,  it  is 
evident  that  precious  little  water  has  passed  the  lips  of  the  original. 
The  sculptor  himself  seems  a  jovial  sort  of  fellow,  and,  judging  from 
the  vigorous  blows  with  which  he  sends  his  chisel  on  the  stone,  he  is 
never  likely  to  be  accused  of  '  cutting  it  too  fine.' 

"Mr.  Leslie's  reading  of  the  Antiquarian's  Story '  (423)  is  only 
equalled  in  emphasis  by  the  antiquarian  himself,  who,  leaning  on  the 
back  of  his  chair  with  a  volume  in  his  hand,  persists  in  boring  a  young 
lady,  who  it  appears  is  inlove  with  his  absent  son,  and  is  come  to  hear 
what  she  can  of  him. 

"  Fancy  what  a  situation! — to  be  let  in  for,  perhaps,  a  dissertation 
on  the  pointed  arch  at  the  moment  when  indulging  her  mind  in  visions 
of  a  domestic  circle ;  to  hear  of  the  exploits  of  the  Black  Prince, 
instead  of  the  latest  news  from  her  own  verdant  hero.  Ah  !  she  would 
rather  lie  reading  a  note  of  his  than  in  possession  of  the  original  copy 
of  Magna  Charta.  The  old  gentleman  may  as  well  shut  up  his  book  at 
once  for  he  will  surely  get  nothing  but  black  looks  in  return  for  his 
'  black  letter.' 

"  Ars  est  celare  artem  (as  I  used  to  inscribe  in  my  school  copy-book) 
and  there  are  some  works  of  genius  for  which  all  criticism  seems  re- 
dundant. They  say  Mr.  Fechter's  performances  are  so  true  to  nature 
that  his  audience  forgets  he  is  acting ;  and  when  I  come  to  Mr. 
M 'Caelum' s  landscape  (456)  the  last  thing  I  think  of  is  paint.  Yonder 
are  ingenious  representations  in  oil  colour  spread  over  canvas  and 
strained  within  splendid  frames.  But  here  all  thought  of  gilt  mouldings, 
pigments,  and  gesso  vanish  at  once,  and  I  am  looking  right  through  the 
Academy  walls  into  Burnham  Wood  on  a  May  Morning.  It  is  no  fiction, 
but  the  place  itself.  _  Sure  never  was  seen  more  wondrous  truth  than  in 
the  shadows  which  fall  across  the  foreground  from  that  ancient  beech. 
The  young  fresh  sward  is  stretched  before  you.  Those  were  last  year's 
leaves  which  crackled  under  foot.  The  lambs  come  bounding  down  the 
slope  ;  you  can  almost  think  you  sniff  the  pure  country  breeze — and  if 
that  is  not  illusion  in  Trafalgar  Square,  my  name  is  not 

"  Jack  Easel." 


BEAUX-WOWS  ! 


At  Leeds  there  has  been  a  grand  Dog-Show,  all  in  honour  of  the 
Dog-days,  we  suppose  ?  A  young  lady  says  that  she  wishes  there  was  a 
Puppy-Show,  for  she  would  send  her  cousin,  who  she  is  positive  woidd 
win  the  prize,  for  she  looks  upon  him  as  behig  the  greatest  puppy  in 
the  world.  We  are  not  so  sure  of  this  ourselves.  At  such  a  compe- 
tition, the  entries  would  naturally  be  extremely  numerous,  and  we  do 
not  think  there  is  a  circle  of  young  ladies  in  England  who  has  not  a 
favourite  puppy  of  then  own,  that  they  woidd  be  prepared  to  back 
with  the  greatest  confidence  to  any  amount.  We  think  some  such 
exhibition  would  be  extremely  popular,  as  well  as  useful.  It  shoidd 
be  open  to  puppies  of  all  nations,  and  the  prizes  would  be  well  worth 
having,  if  every  puppy  was  allowed  to  enter  himself  at  his  own  esti- 
mation. Would  the  lady  patronesses  at  Almack's  mind  taking  it  under 
their  affectionate  care  ?  If  they  smiled  on  the  scheme,  it  would  be 
sure  to  succeed.  There  is  plenty  of  time  to  organise  it  well  before 
the  Exhibition  next  year. 


DRAMATIC  MARTYRDOM. 


According  to  a  notice  in  the  Times  of  the  performance  of  Fabiola  at 
the  Wliittington  Clubhouse  the  other  night,  the  martyrdom  of  the 
primitive  Christians  was  represented  on  the  stage.  Fabiola  is  a  play 
founded  on  the  tale  of  the  same  name,  written  by  Cardinal  Wiseman, 
whose  dramatic  Eminence  presided  at  the  representation  of  it  in  its 
dramatised  form.  The  exhibition  of  martyrdom  on  the  stage  is  a  stroke 
of  theatrical  effect  characteristic  of  the  red-stocking  school,  though  a 
scenic  execution  woidd  probably  be  applauded  by  a  Surrey  or  Victoria 
audience.  The  Ultramontane  and  the  Transpontine  drama  exhibit  a 
mutual  affinity.  However,  we  must  not  perhaps  object  to  the  perform- 
ance of  Christian  martyrdom,  or  else  we  shall  be  accused  by  our  aesthetic 
friends  of  a  want  of  Catholic  taste. 


A',  Good  Beginning. 

It  is  now  known  beyond  all  doubt  that  Baron  Vay  has  resigned. 
Our  clog  Toby,  who  is  always  ready,  says  that  the  Germans  as  a  nation 
woidd  certainly  be  much  more  cultivated  than  they  are,  if  their  minds 
could  only  be  brought  to  the  resignation  of  all  their  barren  vays. 


40 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[July  27,  1861. 


THE    GUARDS'    MONUMENT, 

AS  IT  IS,  AND  AS  IT  SHOULD  BE. 

_  Britannia  is  a  liberal  mistress  to  all  who  serve  her— she  is  liberal 
in  money,  liberal  m  gratitude,  liberal  in  honour— or  at  least,  if  she  isn't 
it  is  not  her  fault.  If  her  pay  might  be  better,  it  isn't  Britannia  who 
is  to  blame,  but  her  stewards,  bailiffs,  and  foremen,  who  manage  the 
wages  department.  If  her  gratitude  is  sometimes  grudging,  it  isn't 
Britannia  who  grudges  it,  but  the  clumsy  or  pampered  menials 
whom  she  is  obliged  often  to  send  out  with  messages  and  on  errands 


to  those  who  press  then  claims  at  her  door.  If  the  tributes  of 
honour  she  bestows  are  too  often  ludicrous,  petty,  and  disappointing 
to  the  people  they  are  meant  for,  it  is  the  fault  of  the  contractors 
she  employs  to  engage  architects  and  sculptors,  and  not  the  old  lady's, 
who  would  prefer  better  workmen,  if  she  knew  how  and  where  to 
find  them. 

Unluckily,  she  wasn't  brought  up  with  special  regard  to  accomplish- 
ments, and  it  must  be  confessed,  if  her  contractors'  and  master-builders' 
taste  be  often  at  fault,  her  own  would  not  be  much  better  were  she 
left  to  herself.    But  the  old  lady  means  well. 

It  isn't  always  the  sculptor's  fault  either,  when  the  last  new  statue 
turns  out  a  failure.  Ten  to  one  he  has  been  crippled  in  means,  or 
over-ruled  in  his  design,  or  otherwise  hindered  in  the  development  of 
his  idea.  But  even  if  the  statue  be  unobjectionable,  Britannia  is 
pretty  sure  to  hear  of  some  blunder  in  the  inscription,  which  is  always 
sate  to  sin  either  in  bathos,  bad  grammar,  brag,  or  balderdash. 

Take  the  last  monument,  but  one,  erected  out  of  Britannia's 
coppers— the  Guards'  Memorial  in  Waterloo  Place.  It  isn't  what  it 
should  be  in  all  points  of  design,  less,  however,  by  Mr.  Bell's 
fault  than  that  of  the  Committee  which  commissioned  and  over-ruled 
him. 

But  the  worst  faults  of  the  monument  are  not  those  of  taste  at  all. 
However  good  its  sculpture,  the  monument  is  a  standing  lie — as  great 
a  lie  as  the  Monument.    If  that  column— 

"Like  a  tall  bully  lifts  his  head  and  lies," 

on  Fish  Street  Hill,  the  Guards'  Memorial  lifts  its  tall  head  and  lies  in 
Waterloo  Place.  The  He  is  not  Mr.  Bell's,  who  was  told  to  celebrate 
death  in  victory,  and  has  done  it,  by  his  figure  of  Honour  crowning  the 
brave  trio— Fusiliers,  Grenadiers,  and  Coldstreams — with  laurel-wreaths. 
The  inscription,  answers  to  and  justifies  Mr.  Bell's  design ;  but  it  is 
precisely  in  the  inscription  that  the  lie  is  to  be  found. 
Thus  it  runs, — 

"ALMA, 

INKERMAN, 

SEBASTOPOL. 

TO    THE    MEMORY   OF    2162    OFFICERS    AND    MEN     OF    THE 

BRIGADE    OF    GUARDS,    WHO    FELL   DURING    THE  WAR   WITH 

RUSSIA,   1854—1855-1856." 

Fell,  i.  e.  died  in  battle  or  of  their  wounds— died  a  soldier's  death  at 
the  hands  of  the  enemy.  But  what  enemy  ?  Do  those  who  penned 
the  inscription  mean  the  Russians  ?  By  the  list  of  battles  it  would 
seem  so. 

But  was  Russia  the  enemy,  were  Alma,  Inkerman,  and  Sebastopol 
the  battles  in  which  2162  officers  and  privates  of  the  Guards  fell  in 
those  years  ?  Let  us  see  the  official  returns.  They  tell  us  that  the 
total  number  of  the  Guards'  Brigade  killed  in  the  Crimea  was — 

At  Alma 37 

At  Inkerman PJO 

Before  Sebastopol 61 

And  that  the  total  number  who  died  of  their  wounds  was  161 

Making,  hi  all,  those  who  died  in  battle  or  of  wounds   .      449 

What  becomes,  then,  of  the  remaining  1713  ?  Alas  !  they  fell  too,  but 
in  the  combat  with  very  different  enemies.    Their  enemies  were — 

FEVER, 

DYSENTERY,   AND 
CHOLERA.? 

Who  slew  by  the  first  376,  the  second  256,  and  the  third  (with  Diarrhoea) 
839— making  the  slain  in  these  battles  1471,  and  leaving  242  for  the 
skirmishes  with  such  formidable  light  troops  as  Frost-bite,  Scurvy, 
and  their  train. 

These  are  enemies  who  are  occasionally  let  loose  against  us  at  home ; 
but  in  the  Crimea  they  were  officered,  and  manoeuvred,  by  traitors  from 
our  own  camp — General  Mismanagement,  and  General  Routine.  It  was 
these  old  villains  who  misdirected  the  stores,  and  crippled  the  transport, 
and  prevented  the  roads  from  being  made,  and  shipped  the  hospital  stores 
under  the  shot  and  shell,  and  ran  riot  in  the  Scutari  hospitals,  and 
made  the  field  hospitals  scenes  of  misery  and  stench  and  starvation  and 
putrefaction,  and  sent  out  boys'  boots  and  socks  and  flannels  for  big 
men  to  wear,  and  served  out  green  coffee  with  no  mills  to  grind,  and  no 
fuel  to  roast  it ;  and  were  at  the  bottom  of  a  great  many  other  of 
those  master-strokes  of  mischief,  which  set  Britannia  asking  whom  she 
should  hang,  and  left  her  very  indignant  she  couldn't  find  the  exact 
neck  for  the  noose- 
No  ;  the  Guards'  Monument  is  a  mistake — to  use  the  mildest  term. 
The  figures  and  the  inscription  should  both  be  altered  without  delay. 
For  Mr.  Bell's  allegorical  figure  of  Honour,  with  her  arms  full  of 
laurel-wreaths,  place  on  the  apex  of  the  pyramid  a  statueof  Florence 
Ni&htingale,  with  a  bandage  in  one  hand,  and  a  basin  of  broth  in 


July  27,  1861.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


-A 


the  other.    Group  three  sick  Guardsmen  below  her,  and  for  "  Alma, 
lukermau,  Sebastopol,"  inscribe — 

"  FEVER, 
DYSENTERY, 
CHOLERA.'' 

And  then  the  Guards'  Memorial  will  speak  the  truth  —  for  its 
inscription  will  _  commemorate  the  most  deadly  battles  the  English 
soldier  in  the  Crimea  had  to  fight,  and  its  figures  will  represent  hisbest 
aids  when  he  conquered,  or  his  best  sources"  of  comfort,  when  las  fell. 


'  What  is  the  use  of  trying  to  get  Forty  Whiles  after  Dinner  in  July  ? 
Here's  this  Olel  Gentleman,  who  has  Purchased  every  Fly  Exterminator 
advertised,  has  Beat  himself  Black  and  Blue  in  less  than  ten  minutes. 


TESTIMONIAL   TO  THE   SWAN   OF  SOUTHAMPTON.1! 

On  Wednesday  last  week  the  statue  of  Dr.  "Watts,  which  has  been 
erected  in  the  West  new  Public  Park  at  Southampton,  was  inaugurated, 
the  officiating  augurs  being  ministers  of  divers  denominations  and  the 
Minister  of  Public  Worship  (without  a  portfolio),  the  Earl  or  Shaftes- 
bury. As  Stratford-on-Avon  boasts  of  the  divine  Williams,  so 
Southampton  is  proud  of  the  divine  Watts. 

The  inauguration  of  Dr.  Watts's  statue  took  place  in  a  tent  or 
tabernacle,  screening  it  from  the  popular  gaze,  to  which,  however,  it  had 
been  exposed  the  day  before,  on  the  evening  whereof  the  ingenious 
artist  who  made  it  was  seen  mounted,  in  true  workmanlike  style  and 
costume,  on  a  ladder,  which,  elevated  above  the  spectators,"  rested 
against  Dr.  Watts's  peruke,  and  giving,  with  mallet  and  chisel,  the 
finishing  touch  to  the  Doctor's  shoulders. 

At  an  early  hour  of  morning  the  church  bells  were  rung,  and  flags 
were  hoisted  on  many  of  the  shops  and  other  principal  buildings  of 
Southampton,  as  they  always  are  when  anything  at  all  unusual  is  going 
on  there. 

About  two  o'clock  a  procession,  consisting  of  the  persons  engaged 
to  be  actors  in  the  approaching  ceremony,  and  many  supernumeraries, 
marched  from  the  Audit  House  up  the  High  Street  to  The  Heavens  are 
mling  from  Haydn's  Creation,  reduced  to  a  psalm-tune,  played  by  the 
Panel  of  the  2nd  Hants  Volunteer  Rifles,  with  the  introduction,  appa- 
rently of  a  drum  effect  from  the  British  Grenadier.  It  was  remarked, 
that  the  gallant  Pand  perhaps  misunderstood  then  instructions,  since 
the  air  in  the  Creation  most  appropriate  to  the  occasion  would  obviously 
have  been  The  Marvellous  Work. 

The  procession  was  headed  by  the  Pifle  Pand,  performing,  as  afore- 


said, a  psalmodic  march,  then  came  the  Sappers  and  Miners,  aud 
Ordnance  Map-office  clerks,  followed  by  two  senile  mace-bearers,  bear- 
ing huge  maces,  and  another  old  beadle  between  them,  carrying  a  silver 
oar,  and  preceding  the  Earlof  Shaftesbury  with  the  Corporation  at 
his  heels,  the  Mayor  on  one  side  of  him,  and  the  Rev.  Thomas  Adkins 
on  the  other.  After  the  corporate  officials  walked  the  Ministers  of 
Religion,  mostly  dissenting ;  and  the  Sunday-school  teachers  brought 
up  the  rear,  which  terminated  in  a  miscellaneous  tail,  hard  pushed  by  a 
crush  of  market-carts. 

The  inauguration  of  the  statue  was  preceded  by  one  of  Dr.  Watts's 
hymns,  and  performed  by  Lord  Shaftesbury  in  telling  somebody  to 
uncover  the  statue,  which  was  accordingly  divested  of  the  sheet  it  had 
been  wrapped  m,  and  stood  disclosed.  Whereupon  the  people  shouted, 
and  cried  "  Hooray ! " 

Another  hymn  was  then  sung,  and  devotions  followed.  Discourses 
suitable  to  the  ceremony  were  thereupon  delivered  by  the  Revs,  the 
Earl  of  Shaftesbury  and  Thomas  Adkins.  After  then  eloquence 
came  the  Hallelujah  Chorus  of  Handel,  and  then  an  edition  de  luxe  of 
Watts's  Psalms  and  Hymns  was  presented  to  the  Rev.  and  noble  Earl. 
The  Hundredth  Psalm  succeeded,  and  like  the  statue,  was  regarded  as  a 
great  success.  After  that  the  Rev.  Thomas  Adkins  pronounced  the 
benediction  in  right  reverend  fashion,  like  a  Bishop,  and  the  ceremonial 
concluded  with  God  save  the  Queen. 

At  five  o'clock  Lord  Shaftesbury  dined  with  the  Mayor,  and  at 
seven  his  Worship  the  Mayor  presided  at  a  soiree  which  took  place  at 
the  Victoria  Rooms.  Li  the  mean  time  the  Ragged  School  children 
were  _  hospitably  entertained  on  his  Worship's  lawn,  and  by  way  of 
addition  to  their  entertainment,  were  addressed  by  the  Earl  of  Shaftes- 
bury, and  severally  presented  with  a  copy  of  Dr.  Watts's  Divine  Songs 
for  Children,  out  of  which  we  trust  they  will  learn  something  more 
edifying,  if  not  more  entertaining,  than  Old  Bob  Ridley.  Dinner, 
speech,  and  presentation,  were  thus  all  despatched  hi  two  hours,  which 
was  quick  work  for  an  Earl  with  a  Mayor  for  his  host,  and  affords,  to 
all  Mayors  and  noblemen,  an  example  which  few  of  them  will  imitate. 
_  The  business,  or  pleasure,,  of  the  soiree  consisted  in  speeches,  recita- 
tions, and  the  singing  of  psalms,  to  which  were  added  the  means  of 
bodily  refreshment  for  those  who  might  choose  to  pay  for  them.  Owing 
to  this  optional  arrangement  the  good  things  abundantly  provided  in 
the  card-room  (where  there  were  of  course  no  cards)  by  Mr.  Eisk, 
experienced  a  consumption  in  value  amounting  to  rather  more  than 
three  pounds. 

The  statue  of  Dr.  Watts  is  a  work  of  the  Comic  order.  That  is 
chiefly  by  reason  of  its  fidelity,  for  he  was  a  little  man  with  a  big  head 
ami  aquiline  _  nose,  and  as  such  is  represented  in  the  costume  of  his 
period,  wearing  a  long  gown  and  a  flowing  wig.  He  stands  with  the 
right  hand  upraised,  as  in  the  act  of  preaching,  and  with  the  left  foot 
advanced,  apparently  not  putting  the  best  foot  forward ;  but  this,  no 
doubt,  was  his  natural  attitude.  The  posture  is  one  which,  if  it  were 
not  that  of  Dr.  Watts,  we  might  call  somewhat  groggy.  The  Doctor's 
figure  is  executed  in  white  Sicilian  marble;  and  in  the  three  basso- 
relievos  of  the  same  material,  on  three  sides  of  the  shaft  of  the  pedestal, 
he  is  portrayed,  on  a  smaller  scale,  in  as  many  different  positions.  Li 
the  front  one  he  appears  surrounded  by  children  with  clasped  hands, 
and  his  visage  is  remarkable  for  a  decided  squint,  which  he  perhaps 
acquired  late  hi  life.  In  that  facing  the  east,  Dr.  Watts  sits  musing 
in  his  study,  amid  mathematical  and  astronomical  instruments,  resting 
a  foot  upon  a  stool,  and  scratching  his  chin ;  whilst  the  opposite  side 
exhibits  him  seated  in  the  rapture  of  poetical  inspiration,  as  lie  probably 
appeared  in  composing  "Why  should  I  deprive  my  neighbour  ?  " 

_  Bearing  hi  mind  the  obligation  which  that  question  suggests,  let  us 
give  the  sculptor,  Mr.  Lucas  of  Chilworth,  the  credit,  which  is  his 
due,  of  having  made  a  statue  which,  necessarily  droll,  is  yet  as  orna- 
mental as  the  case  admits  of,  and  is  really  a  much  better  work  of  art 
than  any  monument  which  has  been  since  many  a  day  erected  in 
London. 


A  Morning's  Reflection. 

BY  A  VERT  YOUNG  GENTLEMAN  WHO   HAD  BEEN    "  MAKING  A  NIGHT  OF  IT.' 

This  truth  I  've  learned,  alas !  a  day  too  late, 
That  dissipation  makes  a  dizzy  pate. 


il  y 


A  DE   QUOI. 

The  papers  say  that  the  Princesse  Clotilde  niet  at  Lisbon  with 
"  every  mark  of  respect  and  sympathy  "  from  the  inhabitants.  "  Sym- 
pathy," for  what  ?    Was  it  for  having  married  Prince  Napoleon  ?. 


A  HOLIDAY  TASK  FOR  SLOW   COACHES. 

We  doubt  if  the  slowest  of  slow  coaches  would  ever  be  able  to  arrive 
at  any  satisfactory  conclusion  as  to  whether  the  Galway  Steam  Packet 
Company  has  made  less  way  in  the  public  estimation  with  its  Lever  or 
its  (S)crew  ? 


Baa 


SOBS 


42 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[July  27,  1861. 


A  HINT   TO   ARCHITECTS   OF   THE   PRESENT   DAY. 


PROTESTANT  SPOONER  ON  PAINTING. 

Mr.  Spooner  has  earned  considerable  reputation  as 
a  zealous  Protestant,  but  the  other  night,  in  Committee 
of  Supply,  he  exceeded  himself,  and  Mr.  Newdegate 
too,  in  that  capacity.  Or  rather  he  came  out  in  quite 
a  new  Protestant  character.  He  protested  against  the 
vote  of  £2,000  for  the  National  Portrait  Gallery,  on  the 
ground  that  too  much  money  was  spent  upon  pictures 
and  the  promotion  of  art,  and  that  the  trustees  of  the 
Portrait  Gallery  did  not  care  what  was  the  moral  cha- 
racter of  the  persons  whose  portraits  they  admitted. 
He  likewise  urged  that  they  cared  not  how  bad  a  pic- 
ture was  "  so  long  as  it  was  a  portrait  of  somebody  noto- 
rious in  our  history."  This  objection  is  a  strange  one  to 
proceed  from  the  mouth  of  a  gentleman,  who,  on  moving 
that  the  vote  in  question  be  disallowed,  is  represented  as 
having  said  that — 

"  He  did  not  propose  to  divide  the  Committee  on  the  motion, 
but  only  to  protest  against  the  continuance  of  such  torn-foolery." 

What  Mr.  Spooner  calls  torn- foolery  is  the  national 
expenditure  of  money  upon  pictures  and  the  promotion 
of  art.  His  estimate  of  the  value  of  art  appears  to  be 
incompatible  with  the  ability  to  distinguish  a  good  pic- 
ture from  a  bad  one.  The  good  moral  character  of  a 
person  is  considered  by  Me.  Spooner  as  a  necessary 
condition  for  the  admittance  of  his  likeness  into  a 
portrait  gallery.  Esteeming  right  morality  to  be  based 
upon  true  religion,  Mr.  Spooner  woidd  perhaps  limit 
the  exhibition  of  historical  portraits  to  those  of  sound 
protestant  personages.  Heretofore,  protestants  have 
been  content  with  protesting  against  pictures  regarded 
as  objects  of  worship,  but  Mr.  Spooner  goes  farther, 
and  protests  against  them  as  objects  of  acquisition  at 
the  cost  of  a  little  money.  This  extremely  ultra-pro- 
testantism, is  very  like  the  doctrine  of  Islam,  which 
prohibits  pictorial  likenesses  altogether.  The  religion 
of  Spooner  is  very  like  that  of  Mahomet,  and  it  is 
much  to  be  feared  that,  as  to  his  opinions  about  art  at 
least,  the  honourable  gentleman  has  turned  Turk. 


Yankee-Liners  and  Penny-a-Liners. 

We  receive  such  ext  raordinary  bombastic  statements 
from  America,  respecting  the  Civil  War,  that  we  think 
a  new  line  of  steamers  ought  to  be  specially  appointed 
to  bring  them  over.  ^  Instead  of  Cunard's,  why  not 
establish  for  the  occasion  a  fast-going  line  of  Canards  ? 


THE  GORILLAS  OE  THE  PRESS. 

We  wonder  how  many  of  the  readers  of  the  Croydon  Chronicle  felt- 
that  tingling  in  their  toes  which  unfailingly  betokens  a  propensity  to 
kick,  when  they  came  across  the  following  impertinent  remarks  which 
a  short  time  since  appeared  in  that  influential  paper  : — 

"  It  is  said  that  Prince  Alfred  will  travel  through  Canada  by  the  same  route  his 
brother  travelled  last  year.  But  that  Prince  Alfred  is  a  'jolly  good  fellow,'  not  at 
all  of  an  envious  disposition,  how  bitterly  would  he  feel  the  difference  of  reception 
over  the  same  course.  But,  if  my  information  be  correct,  Prince  Alfred  is  not  the 
lad  to  grizzle  and  fret  his  fiddle-strings  with  envy  and  chagrin.  Rather  is  he  the 
lad  to  'give  his  governor  the  slip,'  as  he  would  express  it,  and  eujoy  himself." 

Of  course  we  need  not  say  that  these  are  the  opinions  of  "our 
London  Correspondent."  No  other  newswriter  would  pretend  to  such 
an  intimate  acquaintance  with  Prince  Alfked  as  to  describe  his  tastes 
and  feelings  with  this  familiar  freedom.  Other  penmen,  let  us  hope,  if 
they  possessed  such  knowledge,  would  keep  it  to  themselves,  and  would 
know  better  than  to  blurt  it  into  public  print.  At  any  rate,  supposing 
that  the  sentiments  of  Royalty  were  thought  lit  to  be  divulged,  the 
disclosure  would  be  made  without  offensive  flippancy,  and  such  assumed 
familiarity  as  can  but  breed  contempt. 

Haying  shown  his  intimate  acquaintance  with  Prince  Alpred  by 
chronicling  a  sample  of  the  slang  he  talks,  the  writer  next  proceeds  to 
dab  his  pen  into  the  Prince  op  Wales,  doing  it  of  course  in  the 
offhand  jaunty  manner  peculiar  to  his  craft  :— 

"  By  the  way,  his  elder  brother,  heir  to  the  most  brilliant  throne  of  ancient  or 
modern  times,  also  requires  a  little  looking  after.  Not  that  he  is  one  whit  worse 
than  most  young  gentlemen  of  his  age— nay,  he  is  more  steady  :  but  you  know  a 
Prince  ought  to  be  so  extremely  proper,  and  so  excruciatingly  correct.  He  ought 
not  to  smoke  cigars,  but  he  does  ;  nay,  infinitely  worse  than  this,  he  ought  not" to 
give  the  slightest  encouragement  to  the  vain  aspirations  of  any  young  lady  subject. 
But— I  will  not  say  that  he  does,  but  once  upon  a  time,  a  little  bird  tells  me 
he  did.' 


Here  the  writer  tells  a  story — that  is  to  say,  a  He — about  what  he 
calls  a  "  grand  Terpsichoreau  festival,"  whereat  the  Prince  was  smitten 
with  a  "  Beautiful  young  lady,"  who  was  afterwards  discovered  to  have 
written  him  a  note.  And  it  is  with  stupid  and  offensive  lies  like  this 
certain  "  London  Correspondents  "  fill  then  weekly  sheets.  Really,  as  a 
loyal  subject  one  feels  inclined  to  ask.  is  there  no  protection  from  these 
literary  Gorillas  who,  when  hard  up  for  club  scandal,  make  attack  upon 
our  Princes,  and  scarcely  hold  their  hands  from  an  attack  upon  the 
throne.  To  put  it  in  the  mildest  way,  the  fellows  who  poke  then  noses 
into  places  where  they  have  no  business  deserve  to  have  them  tweaked. 


Un  Nom  de  Guerre  ? 

Prince  Napoleon  is  one  of  the  distinguished  members  of  the 
Bonaparte  family.  But  if  he  is  a  Bonaparte,  might  we  not  respect- 
fully  inquire  :  "  A  Qnoi  Bon  ?"  From  his  constant  habits  of  travelling, 
and  of  always  discreetly  getting  out  of  the  way,  when  there  was  any 


danger,  we  think  we  might  venture  to  say  that  he  was  only  Bon-a 
partir !  

LIGHT,    CHEERFUL,    COMPLIMENTARY,   AND   LITERARY ! 

At  the  review  of  the  Curragh  the  other  day,  there  were  a  large 
number  of  Irish  beauties  present,  which  interesting  fact  led^  H.  R.  H. 
to  exclaim,  with  that  happiness  and  gallantry  for  which  his  family  has 
long  been  distinguished,  that  he  was  delighted  to  find  the  race  of 
Currer  Belle (s)  was  far  from  extinct ! 


Merely  a  Geographical  Mistake.— Evidently,  Mr.  Cowper 
mistakes  Kensington  Gardens  for  Yorkshire,— lie  is  so  very  anxious  to 
divide  it  into  two  Bidings. 


Printed  by  William  Bradbury,  of  No.  13,  Upper  Woburn  Place,  and  Frederick  Mullen  Evans,  of  No.  19,  Queen's  Road  West,  Regent's  Pork,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Paneras,  in  the  County  of  Middlesex, 
Printers,  at  their  Office  in  Lombard  Street,  in  the  Precinct  of  Whnel'riare,  in  the  City  of  London,  and  Published  by  them  at  No.  So,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  City  ot  London.  - 
Saturday,  July  C",1861. 


THE       AMERICAN       CRISIS. 

4th  JULY,  1801. 

SEE     "ONCE    A    WEEK." 


KNIGHT'S    HISTORY    OP    ENGLAND. 

Part  LV.,   Completing  the  Seventh  Volume,  was  Published  on  the  1st  of  May,  Price  3s.  6d. 

BRADBURY  &  EVANS,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI,  August  3,  1861. 


NEW  WORKS,  NOW  READY. 

TOE    OKAVANGO    RIVER: 

<**»    A    Narrative  of   Travel,    Exploration, 

and  Adventure.  By  Charles  J.  Anders  sow,  Author 

of  "  Lake  N  garni."   Numerous  Illustrations.  21s. 

HENRY    IV.    AND    MARIE 

DE  MEDICI.    By  Miss  Freer.    2  v. 

A  SAUNTER  THROUGH  THE 

WEST  END.    ByliEiau  Uukt.    1  v.    10s.  6<Z. 

NOTHING  NEW.     BY    THE 

Author  of  "John  Halifax  Gentleman."    Illus- 
trated by  J.  E.  Mii.i.ais,  A.R. A.    bs.  bound. 

THE  NEW  NOVELS. 

UNDER    THE    SPELL.     BY 

the  Author  of  "Grandmother's  Money,"  &c.  3  v. 

PAUL     FOSTER'S     DAXJGH- 

TER.    By  Dutton  Cook.    3  v. 

A    FAMILY  HISTORY.    BY 

the  Author  of  "  The  Queen's  Pardon."    3  vols. 
Hurst  &  Blackett,  Publishers. 


^HE     MAGIC     SPUEGEON 

«*-  (copyright). — A  magical  life-like  POR- 
TRAIT of  the  most  popular  orator  of  the  day— when 
placed  on  the  floor  dances  gracefully,  defying  detec- 
tion.   Sent  free  by  return  for  18  stamps. 

The  wizard's   box  of  magic— six  new  tricks    by 
return  free  for  20  stamps. 

The    WIZARD'S     NOTEBOOK    ON    MAGIC. 
Free  for  Seven  stamps. 
W.Greig,  27,  Great  Marlborough  Street, AY., London 

IXAiTS,  "TURBANS,    AND 

■*•&  WIDE-A-WAKES  only  2s.  6d.  eacb, 
(Box  included)  sent  to  any  part  of  the  United  King- 
dom on  receipt  of  amount, 

Arthur  Granger,  Patentee,  308,  High  Holborn, 
W.C. 


.    JOSEPH 

&  Co.'s 
ARIB  ALIBI 

TROUSERS. 

TO   ORDER. 

FIT    GUARANTEED, 

AND  MADE 

FROM  THE    VERY  BEST 

SCOTCH  TWEED, 

AT 

JOSEPH  &  Co.'s 
150,  Recent  Street, 
London. 


AGREEABLE  MEDICINE. 

T|0CT0RS    SELDOM    MAKE 

■&*  Medicine  agreeable,  which  will  account 
for  the  fact  that  PARR'S  LIFE  PILLS,  which  are 
pleasant  to  take,  have  got  into  such  general  use. 
They  clear  from  the  body  all  hurtful  impurities, 
improve  tlie  digestive  powers,  speedily  cure  all  liver 
complaints,  bilious  ailments,  skin  eruptions,  low- 
ness  of  spirits,  headache,  costiveuess,  gout,  lumbago, 


\      Ike. 


^«EETH!-MR.  ESXELL'S 

A  PATENT  1!  !  Granted  1860.  8,  Lower 
Grosvenor  Street.  Artificial  Teeth  adapted  on  Mr. 
Eskell's  Patented  Process,  without,  extracting 
Teeth  or  Stumps,  and  without  the  slightest  pain. 
One  set  lasts  a  lifetime.  "Mr.  Eskell's" patent,  bids 
fair  to  stand  unrivalled  for  its  utility  and  economy." 
—Post.  "  An  admirable  contrivance  for  remedying 
the  defects  of  nature  without  requiring  new  sets  of 
teeth."— Sun.  "Original  and  effective;  and  will, 
doubtless,  be  extensively  patronised."— Court  Circ. 
All  Consultations  Free.    S,  Lower  Grosvenor  Street. 


13  HOTEL'S    ?A- 

**•    TENT     PERFUME 
VAPORISER,  an  Elegant.  Ap- 
paratus, recommended  by  Dr. 
Lethept  andDR.HASSALLfor 
diffusing     the     fragrance     of 
flowers,  and  purifying  the  air. 
Price  from  Gs. 
Rimmel,  Perfumer. 
96,  Strand,  and  21,  Cornhill. 


MR.  MARKWEEL,  WINE 
Merchant  to  Her  Majesty,  Nos.  35  to 
in,  and  >I5,  Albemarle  Street,  and  4,  Stafford  Street, 
Piccadilly,  London,  W.  Naval  and  Military  Messes 
supplied.  Receipts  for,  and  Compounds  of,  Ameri- 
can Drinks.  The  still  and  sparkling  Catawba.  The 
Californian  Champagne,  51s.  per  dozen.  Red  and 
white  Hungarian  Wines,  30s.  and  upwards  per,doz 
The  celebrated  aromatic  Seheidam  Schnapps 
Stoughton  &  Sickles'  Bitters.  Bourbon,  Monon»a- 
hela,  and  Old  Dominion  Whiskies. 

flLENFIELD    PATENT 

W  STARCH,  Used  in  the  Royal  Laundry, 
and  Pronounced  by  Her  Majesty's  Laundress,  to  be 
the  Finest  Starch  she  ever  used.  Sold  by  all  Chan- 
dlers, Grocers,  &c.  &c. 

Wotherspoon  &  Co.,  Glasgow  and  London. 

1? OR  PERFUMING  APART- 

-*■  MENTS  instantly  and  most  agreeably. 
The  Pastils  Allumettes  emit  a  most  delicious  Per- 
fume immediately  on  being  lighted,  and  are  the 
most  easily  applied  of  all  fumigating  apparatus. 
Price  Crf.  per  Bundle. 

H.  Rigge,  35,  New  Bond  Street. 

f|HUBB'S       LOCKS, 

"^  with  all  tho  newest  improvements  ; 
strong  fireproof  safes,  cash  and  deed  boxes.  Com- 
plete list  of  sizes  and  prices  may  be  had  on  applica- 
tion.—Chubb  &  Son,  5?,  St.  Paul's  Churchyard, 
London;  28,  Lord  Street,  Liverpool;  Ifi,  Market  Street, 
Manchester;  and  Horseley  Fields,  Wolverhampton. 


NO  MORE  PILLS  OR  OTHER  MEDICINES  FOR  OLD  OR  YOUNG. 


"  We  find  the  safest  remedy  in  DU  BARRY'S  delicious  health-restoring 


For  Habitual  Constipation,  Dyspepsia  (Indigestion),  Palpitation,  Acidity,  Nausea,  Consumption, 
Coughs,  Colds,  Asthma,  Bronchitis,  Haemorrhoids,  Nervousness,  Biliousness,  Torpidity  of  the 
Liver,  Debility,  &c." — Andrew  Ure,  M.D.,  F.R  S.  ;  Dr.  Harvey,  Dr.  Shorland,  Dr.  Campbell. 

Dr.  Wurzer's  Testimonial: — "  Du  Barry's  Food  is  particularly  effective  in  curing  dyspepsia 
(indigestion),  habitual  constipation,  as  also  diarrhoea,  bowel,  and  liver  complaints,  affections  of 
the  kidneys  and  bladder,  inflammatory  irritation  and  cramp  of  the  urethra,  and  hasmoi'rhoids, 
also  in  cough,  asthma,  debility,  and  incipient  pulmonary  and  bronchial  consumption." — Dr.  Rud. 
Wurzer,  Professor  of  Medicine  and  Practical  M.D.  It  saves  50  times  its  cost  in  other  remedies 
and  all  Doctors'  and  Apothecaries'  Bills. 

We  extract  a  few  out  of  many  thousand  cures: — Cure,  No.  1,771.  Lord  Stuart  de  Decies,  of 
many  years'  dyspepsia. — No.  49,832.  "  Fifty  years'  indescribable  agony  from  dyspepsia,  nerv- 
ousness, asthma,  cough,  constipation,  flatulency,  spasms,  sickness,  and  vomiting.  Maria  Joly, 
of  Lynn,  Norfolk." — Cure,  No.  5S.816.  Field-Marshal  the  Duke  ofPluskow,  of  dyspepsia,  con- 
stipation, nervousness,  and  liver  complaints. — Cure,  No.  47,121.  Miss  Elizabeth  Jacobs,  Nazing 
Vicarage,  Waltham  Cross,  Herts,  of  extreme  nervousness,  indigestion,  gatherings,  low  spirits, 
and  nervous  fancies. — Cure,  No.  54.S16.  The  Rev.  James  T.  Campbell,  Syderstone  Rectory,  near 
Fakenham,  Norfolk,  "  of  indigestion  and  torpidity  of  the  liver,  which  had  resisted  all  medical 
treatment ;  inquiries  will  be  cheerfully  answered." 

Packed  in  tins  at  Is.  lid.,  1  lb.,  2s.  9d. ;  2  lb.,  4s.  M.  ;  5  lb.,  lis.  ;  121b.,  22s.  ;  24  lb.,  free  of 
carriage,  40s.  Super  refined  quality,  10  lb.,  33s. — Barry  Do  Barry  &  Co.,  No.  77,  Regent  Street, 
London;  also  Fortndm,  Mason  <fe  Co. ;  and  at  60,  Gracechurch  Street ;  4,  Cheapside  :  C3  and  150, 
Oxford  Street :    229,  330,  430,a,nd451,  Strand;  and  through  all  respectable  Grocers  and  Chemists. 


SHEFFIELD   MANUFACTURERS, 

OPPOSITE  TO  THE  PANTHEON,  OXFORD  STREET, 

THE  ONLY  LONDON   ADDRESS. 

THE  LARGEST  STOCK  IN  LONDON  OF  CUTLERY  AND 
ELECTRO-SILVER  PLATE, 

The  most  beautiful  and  varied  assortment  to  be  seen  anywhere,  of  Tea  and  Dinner  Services, 
Cruets,  Cruet  Frames,  Dish  Covers.  SideDishks,  Waiters,  Tea-Trays,  Fruit  Stands,  Epergnes, 
&c,  the  Quality  excellent,  and  the  Prices  most  reasonable. 

Forwarded  direct  from  then-  Manufactory,  ROYAL  CUTLERY  WORKS,  Sheffield. 

MAPPIN   &  Co.'sT  UNRIVALLED  TABLE  CUTLERY. 


Good. 

Medium.. 

Superior. 

£0  13    0 
0  10    0 
0     4     6 
0    5     6 
0    4    6 
0    2    6 

£1    0 
0  15 
0    7 
0    8 
0    7 
0    3 

0 
0 
0 
0 
0 
6 

£1   15     0 
15     0 
0  12    0 
0  13     6 
0  12     0 
0     4     6 

1  pair  Registered  Meat  Carvers    

1  pair  Poultry  Carvers ..... 

£2    0    0 

£3    0 

6 

£5    2    0 

These  Table  Knives  are  guaranteed  the  best  sold  in  London,  at  the  prices  charged.    They  are 
made  from  the  very  best  steel,  and  the  handles  are  so  secured  that  they  cannot  become  loose  in 
hot  water.     It  is  in  consequence  of  MESSRS.  MAPPIN  &  Co.  being  Manufacturers,  that  they 
are  enabled  to  offer  their  Table  Knives  at  such  unprecedented  low  prices. 
MAPPIN  &  Co.  have  no  connection  with  any  House  of  a  similar  name  in  London. 
MAPPIN  AND   Co.,  London  Show  Rooms,    opposite  to  the 
PANTHEON,  OXFOED   STREET; 
SHEFFIELD  MANUFACTORY,  ROYAL  CUTLERY  WORKS. 


The  Lancet  states,  "This  is  Superior  to 
anything  of  the  kind  known." 

First  of  the  kind  Manufactured  and 
Patented  in  the  United  Kingdom  and 
France  ;  prepared  from  the  very  finest 
quality  of  grain,  and  by  a  process  per- 
fected by  great  experience.  It  has  been 
received  with  great  favour  wherever  it 
has  been  made  known,  and  is  becoming 
an  article  of  daily  use  amongst  all  classes, 
being  suitable  for  Blancmange,  Puddings, 
Custards,  Cakes,  &c,  also  simply  boiled 
with  milk  four  minutes  for  Breakfast, 
Supper,  &c.  &c,  and  as  a  Diet  for 
Children  and  Invalids  it  is  especially 
recommended. 

BROWN  &  POLSON,  Manufacturers  and  Purveyors  to  Her  Majesty  the  Queen. 
Paisley,  Manchester,  Dublin,  and  London. 


ALLEN  S  PATENT  BAG. 


S  PORTMAN- 
teaus  AND  BAGS.— Ladies' 
Dress  Trunks,  Dressing  Bags,  with 
Silver  Fittings,  Despatch  Boxes,  Wri- 
ting Cases,  and  500  articles  for  conti- 
nental travelling. 

Illustrated  Catalogues,  post  free. 

J.  W.  ALLEN,  Manufacturer,  22  & 
31,  West  Strand,  London. 

Also,   ALLEN'S    Illustrated  Cata- 
logue of  Officers'  Portable  Bedsteads, 
Drawers,  Chairs,  Canteens,  &c.  post  Allen's  patent  despatch  box. 
free. 


*1PHE   NEW   COLOUR  FOR   GENTLEMEN'S   DRESS.-THE 

*   Imperial  Blue  is  now  ready  in  every  variety  of  Morning  Suits,  and  Overcoats,  at  H.  J.  and 
D.  NICOLL'S,  No.  114,  Regent  Street,  22,  Cornhill,  and  10,  Ht.  Ann's  Square,  Manchester. 


|f  NICKESBOCKERS— IN   THE   "  CORNHILL  MAGAZINE  "   OE 

«&«&■  October,  i860,  the  above  costume  is  described  in  the  following  terms  : — "Knickerbockers, 
surely  the  prettiest  boy's  dress  that  has  appeared  these  hundred  years."  In  order  to  place  this 
great  improvement  in  BOYS'  DRESS  within  the  reach  of  all  well-to-do  families,  Messrs. 
N 1COLL  now  make  the  costume  complete  for  Two  Guineas.  There  is  a  large  selection  of  Pale- 
tots, Overcoats,  and  other  Garments,  prepared  for  Young  Gentlemen  coming  home  for  the 
holidays.  Messrs.  H.  J.  and  D.  NICOLL  have  adapted  the  Knickerbocker  Dress  for  Boys  (about 
three  years  of  age),  as  the  First  Cloth  Suit  on  leaving  off  the  petticoat  dress  ;  the  cost  varying 
from  one  guinea.  Sample  Suits  with  the  necessary  under  clothing,  &c.,  may  now  be  inspected, 
or  the  same  will  be  forwarded  on  application,  if  accompanied  with  a  reference  in  town. 
H.  J.  and  D.  NICOLL,  114,  Regent  Street ;  22,  Cornhill;  and  10,  St.  Ann's  Square,  Manchester. 


MAPPIN     BROTHERS' 
LONDON     ESTABLISHMENT     IS     3 
AT  LONDON  BRIDGE.— Established  in  Sheffield,      ! 

A.D.  1810. 

Mappin  Brothers'   Gentleman's    Guinea   Dressing 

Case. 
Mappin  Brothers'  Two  Guinea  Dressing  Case,   in 

Solid  Leather. 
Mappin  Brothers'    Four   Pound   Dressing  Bag   is 

recommended  for  strong  service. 
Mappin  Brothers'  Leather  Dressing  Case  for  Ladies, 

£1  4s. 
Mappin  Brothers'  Leather  Dressing  Case,  lined  with 

silk  velvet,  lock  and  key,  £2  12& 
Mappin    Brothers'    Travelling    Dressing    Bag    for 

Ladies,  £l  4s. 
An    Illustrated  Catalogue    sent   gratis   and  post 
free. — Mappin  Brothers,  67  and  68,  King  William 
Street,    London    Bridge.      Manufactory,    Queen's 
Cutlery  Works,  Sheffield. 

TCE  AND  REFRIGERATORS 

A  lor  preserving  ice  and  cooling  wine, 
water,  buttev,  cream,  jellies,  and  provisions  of  all 
kinds,  manufactured  by  tlie  WENHAM  LAKE  ICE 
COMPANY,  of  the  best  make  and  at  the  lowest 
cash  prices.  Pure  spring1  water  ice,  in  blocks,  de- 
livered to  most  parts  of  town  daily,  and  packages  of 
2s.  CuL,  5s.,  9s.,  and  upwards,  forwarded  any  distance 
by  goods  train,  without  perceptible  waste.  Freezing" 
powders,  machines  for  making  and  moulding  ices, 
either  with  or  without  ice.  Wine  coolers,  and  every- 
thing connected  with  freezing  of  the  best,  cheapest, 
and  most  reliable  character.  Caruonators  for 
making  soda  water.  The  Company  appoint  no 
agents.  Full  particulars  furnished  by  post,  free. 
Wenham  Lake  Ice  Company.    No.  140,  Strand. 

fS0ALS7-BEST  COALSONLY. 

*J  — COCKERELL  &  Go's  price  is  now  -25s. 
per  Ton  cash  for  the  BEST  SCREENED  COALS 
as  supplied  by  them  to  Her  Majesty.  18,  Cornhill; 
Purfleet  Wharf.  Earl  Street,  Blackfriars,  E.C.; 
Eaton  Wharf,  Grosvenor  Canal,  Pimlico,  S.W.; 
and  Sunderland  Wharf,  Peckham,  S.E. 


SIMPSON  &  Co., 

Whip  Manufacturers, 
314.  Oxford   Street,  London. 

Agents.— All  Saddlers  in  every  Country  Town. 
A  large  assortment  of  the  following  GOODS  always 
in  stock:— Spurs,  dog  chains,  couples  and  collars, 
greyhound  slips,  whistles,  ferret  bells,  dog  bells  and 
mujzles,  drmkmg  tlasks,  Sandwich  cases,  hunting 
and  post  horns,  tourist  kegs,  birdcalls,  &c.  &c. 

PRIZE  MEDAL,  PARIS  EXHIBITION,  1S55. 

METCALFE,    BINGLEY, 

AM-  &  Co.'s  New  Partem  Tooth  Brushes, 
penetrating  unbleached  Hair  Brushes,  improved 
Flesh  Brushes,  and  genuine  Smyrna  Sponges,  with 
every  description  of  Brush,  Comb,  and  Perfumery, 
13ub,  and  131,  Oxford  Street.  Metcalfe's  cele- 
brated Alkaline  Tooth  Powder,  2s.  per  box. 


,41 


CARDNERS  iiio 
DINNERSERVICES 

63  strand: 


TCE  AND  REFRIGERATORS. 

*  GEO.  SIMPSON  begs  to  state  that  he 
has  this  Season  perfected  his  well-known  REFRI- 
GERATORS by  the  construction  of  an  invisible 
water  tank  (for  iced  water),  so  combined  that  the 
whole  interior  of  the  ice  chest  is  available  for  the  ice 
and  provisions.  rure  block  Ice,  Us  per  100  lb. ;  rough 
iee,  3s. M.  per  100  lb.:  delivered  in  town.  Freezing 
machines  to  be  used  with  or  without  ice,  freezing 
powders,  seltzogenes  (for  making  soda-water), 
lilters,  &c. 

Geo.  Simpson,  Manufacturer,  315,  Oxford  Street, 
near  Harewood  Gates.    Established  1842. 

WALVERN  LANDSCAPE 
AWL  glasses. 

"  Best  Binocular  Telescope  yet  invented."— Bell's 
Life. 

"  Most  compact,  accurate,  and  powerful."— Field. 

"  We  can  speak  well  of  its  powers."— Atkenamm. 

"  A  beautifully   finished   Binocular."— Volunteer 
Service  Gazette. 

Prico  3$  and  0  Guineas,  on  receipt  of  money  orders. 
W.  &  J.  Burrow,  Great  Malvern. 

HAIR  DYEING 
ROOMS.  Unyvin 
and  Albert's,  24.  Piccadilly, 
are  as  private  and  replete  with 
every  convenience  and  com- 
fort as  a  lady's  own  dressing- 
room,  and  where  the  hair  can 
be  coloured  the  lightest  shade 
of  da\en  or  the  darkest  shade 
of  brown  or  black  by  e.vpe- 
at  moderate  charges. 


rienced  assistants 


ANTED    LEFT-GFF 

CLOTHES      FOR       AUSTRALIA, 

Good  or  Inferior.  Me.  and  Mas.  JOHN  ISAACS, 
319  and  320,  Strand,  Opposite  Somerset  House,  con- 
tinue giving  the  Highest  Price,  in  cash,  for  Ladies' 
and  Gentlemen's  Clothes,  also  Regimentals,  Boots, 
Books,  Linen,  Underclothing,  Plate,  Watches,  and 
Jewellery,  and  in  fact  Anything.  Letters  addressed 
as  above  instantly  attended  to.— N.B.  All  Parcels, 
large  or  small,  from  the  country,  the  utmost  value 
returned  by  Post  Office  Order  the  same  day. 

TUXURIANT     WHISKERS, 

"™  Moustaches,  and  Eyebrows,  produced 
in  a  few  weeks  by  the  use  of  ELLIOTT'S  TONIC 
LOTION,  the  stimulative  properties  of  which  are 
unfailing  in  its  operation.  Thomas  Elliott  invites  a 
trial  from  the  most  sceptical,  that  they  may  be  con- 
vinced of  its  infallible  power.  Price  3s.  6(1.,  bs.  6d., 
10s.  6d.,  and  21s.  Forwarded  on  receipt  of  postage 
stamps.  Thomas  Elliott,  Hair  Grower  (firstfloor), 
51,  lenehurch  Street,  E.C.    T.  E.'s  Wigs,  30s. 


August  3,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


43 


BRITISH  AND  FOREIGN 

BENEVOLENCE. 

A  Meeting  was  lately  held  at  the 
Mansion  House  to  set  afoot— or  inau- 
gurate as  we  say  in  Snobbish— a  Hos- 
pital for  Incurables.  Should  the  Pope, 
or  the  Ex-King  of  Naples,  or  the 
Ex-Duke  of  Modena,  or  any  other 
of  the  ex-princes  and  ex-plagues  of 
Italy,  be  forced  to  seek  refuge  in 
England,  it  is  to  be  hoped  that  the 
doors  of  this  charitable  institution  will 
be  open  to  them  ;  unless,  inasmuch  as 
their  incurability  is  mental,  the  bene- 
volent, disposed_  to  befriend  them, 
should  think  lit,  in  preference,  to  send 
them,  along  with  then  fellow-sufferer 
Loud  Normanby,  to  another  and  more 
appropriate  _  asylum,  situated,  very 
convenient  for  them  all,  hard  by  the 
Roman  Catholic  Chapel  in  St.  George's 
Fields. 


The  Doctor  has  been  Sounding  the  Gentleman's  Chest  in  the  present  Approved  Fashion  ;  i.e., 

(jiving  him  previous  notice. 
Irascible  Patient.   "  Docs  it  Hurt  Me  ?—Docs  that  Hurt  You  ?  " 


vitltout 


"  A  la  Porte." 

The  present  Sultan  promises  to 
be  every  bit  as  extravagant  as  his 
predecessor,  for  we  notice  with  indig- 
nation that  scarcely  three  weeks  have 
gone  over  his  head,  since  his  access  to 
power,  and  he  has  already  appeared 
before  the  public  with  not  less  than 
three  new  Hatts  !  ! 


Some  persons  reach  their  fourscore 
years  and  ten  without  having  the 
smallest  idea  of  les  convenances.  People 
have  been  known  to  eat  peas  with  their 
knife  at  ninety. 


PUNCH'S    ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

July  22,  Monday.  Our  old  friend  Noemanby  resolved  on  an  heroic 
effort  in  favour  of  his  friend  the  ex-Duke  of  Modena.  He  moved  for 
some  papers  in  order  to  give  himself  the  opportunity  of  delivering  a 
very  long  cackle,  which  he  supposed  to  be  a  speech,  and  in  which  he 
abused  Mr.  Gladstone  for  having  proved  the  ex-Duke  to  be  a  tyrant. 
He  read  divers  letters,  and  when  he  had  to  read  his  own  compositions, 
he  gave  them  out  with  flaps  of  his  wings,  and  plenty  of  sound,  but  Mil. 
Gladstone's  replies  he  mumbled  over  so  that  they  could  hardly  be 
heard.  So  Loud  Brougham  told  him,  laughingly,  when  Lord  Gran- 
ville had  done  crying  "  Shush,  shush,"  and  driving  the  old  goose  out 
of  the  position  he  had  taken  up.  The  whole  affair  would  have  suited 
Michaelmas  better  than  July.  Lord  Ebury  made  a  speech  in  favour 
of  a  revision  of  the  Prayer-book,  the  Bishop  of  London  told  him  that 
no  general  revision  would  be  tolerated,  and  Lord  Westmeath  com- 
plained that  the  Church-service  is  terribly  long.  One  has  heard  the 
same  complaint  from  ladies,  who  have  piteously  declared  that  two  hours 
in  church  is  "a  long  time,"  but  who  have  on  the  previous  Saturday 
night  sat  out  five  hours  of  the  opera,  and  stood  another  half-hour  wait- 
nig  for  the  carriage. 

Once  more  we  had  Mr.  Lever's  case.  Now  considering  that  he 
came  into  Parliament  "  a  Liberal,  but  pledged  to  support  any  Govern- 
ment that  promotes  the  maintenance  of  Gal  way  as  a  packet  station" 
(vide  Captain  Dod),  this  Irishman  is  scarcely  a  person  in  whom  a 
House  of  Commons  can  take  any  violent  hiterest.  However,  Members 
bore  with  a  long  speech  in  which  he  contradicted  the  charges  made 
against  him  by  Me.  Irwin,  and  then  he  walked  out  of  the  House.  The 
House  decided  on  not  being  further  bothered  with  the  squabbles  of  the 
two  Irishmen  and  proceeded  further  to  consider  the  Lords'  amend- 
ments to  the  Bankruptcy  Bdl.  Having  declared  then  own  views,  they 
requested  the  lawyers  to  draw  up  reasons  for  such  views. 

Then  came  a  smart  debate  on  the  British  Museum,  and  Mr.  Gregory 
made  an  onslaught  upon  Professor  Owen,  for  advocating  a  separate 
asylum  for  Natural  History.  Mr.  Layard  complained  of  the  want  of 
classification  ol  objects,  and,  as  he  is  to  be  a  Minister  again,  Mr.  Punch 
is  glad  to  observe  that  the  Member  for  Nineveh's  organs  of  order  are 
so  largely  developed.  Mr.  Monckton  Milnes  also  condemned  the 
state  oi     congestion  "  in  which  the  Museum  exists.   Peelides  thought 

vol.  xli.  -, 


that  nothing  but  "  pessimist "  opinions  had  been  advanced,  but  owned 
that  the  subject  demanded  consideration.  He  bore  tribute  to  the 
splendid  genius  of  Owen,  which  ought,  Peelides  thought,  to  have 
saved  him  from  such  an  attack  as  Mr.  Gregory's.  During  the  recess 
Government  will  think  over  the  business,  and  talk  to  the  Trustees. 

Tuesday.  The  Irremoveable  Poor  Bill,  the  object  of  which  is  to  make 
the  rates  uniform  in  all  the  parishes  of  a  union,  and  to  make  a  three 
years' residence  by  a  poor  man  effectual  to  constitute  a  "  settlement," 
instead  of  making  five  years  necessary,  as  now,  was  debated  in  the 
Lords,  and  carried,  on  Second  Reading,  by  a  majority  of  9. 

Lord  Mayor  Cubitt  resigned  his  seat  for  Andover,  in  order  to  stand 
for  the  City  of  London. 

Lord  John  Russell  appeared  in  the  House  of  Commons  for  the 
last  time.  He  was  asked  three  questions,  of  no  great  importance,  and 
his  last  utterance  in  the  capacity  of  an  M.P.  was  to  state  that  he  had 
read  in  a  foreign  newspaper  (he  can  read  foreign  languages)  that  certain 
English  gentlemen  who  had  visited  the  works  of  the  Suez  Canal  had 
been  satisfied.  But  whether  they  had  been  satisfied  that  the  thing 
could  not  be  done,  or  with  the  bitter  beer  at  the  various  halts  of  the 
omnibus  that  runs  from  Cairo  to  Suez,  Lord  John  did  not  say.  Soon 
afterwards  he  shook  hands  with  a  few  friends,  including  some  of  the 
Opposition,  and  with  the  Spe&ker,  to  whom  he  probably  said  that  if 
the  latter  were  good,  they  should  meet  again  in  an  upper  sphere  (though 
we  mean  to  have  plenty  of  work  out  of  Mr.  Denison  before  we  let 
him  run  to  coronet)  and  then,  exit  Lord  John  Russell,  soon  to  be 
Earl  Russell.  In  the  morning  he  had  taken  leave  of  the  City,  and 
expressed  his  hope  that  he  should  yet  be  able  to  do  the  State  service. 

Wednesday.  The  rebgious  character  of  the  day  was  marked  by  a 
little  Church  Rate  debate,  and  the  subject  was  shut  up  for  the  Session, 
everybody  promising  everybody  else  that  they  would  nave  a  jolly  good 
fight  again  next  year.  Secular  matters  to-day  were  not  interesting,  but 
on  the  Lace  Factories  Bill  a  good  spirit  was  shown,  and  something  was 
done  for  the  further  protection  of  women  and  children  against  overtime. 
And  a  new  writ  was  moved  for  Loudon. 

Thursday.  The  Lords  had  some  more  of  India,  and  then  went  at  the 
University  Elections  BUI,  that  for  voting  by  post.  The  Bishop  of 
London  did  not  like  it,  and  thought  that  at  the  last  minute,  when  an 
election  was  all  but  settled,  some  rural  Dean  from  the  wilds  of  Cum- 
berland woidd  come  with  a  couple  of  hundred  votes  in  his  pocket,  and 


44 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[August  3,  1861. 


upset  everything.  This  wild  Dean  may  be  a  clerical  Gorilla,  but  Mr. 
Punch,  with  all  respect  for  the  Bishop,  cannot  understand  why  all  facili- 
ties should  not  be  given  to  voters,  even  if  they  are  unhappy  enough  to 
live  by  the  Cumberland  lakes  instead  of  by  the  Serpentine,  Isis,  or  Cam. 
The  Bill  prevailed,  and  was  passed  later  in  the  week,  and  as  there  is  no 
doubt  that  the  measure  is  an  innovation,  the  next  University  Election 
will  be  in  the  nature  of  an  experiment.  We  dare  say  that  the  act  will 
be  very  acceptable  to  many  a  Mrs.  Parson,  whose  husband  will  be  aide 
to  hand  her  the  £10  his  journey  would  have  cost,  and  thereby  ameliorate 
the  nether  garments  of  Tommy,  Harry,  Sammy,  Ignatius,  and  little 

PoLYCARP. 

There  was  a  Military  debate,  and  then  an  Indian  debate  down-stairs, 
and  then  in  Supply,  Mr.  Osborne  fired  away  at  the  frescoes  in  the 
New  Houses,  and  declared  that  they  were  very  ugly,  and  also  were 
coming  to  pieces.  Mr.  Cowper  denied  ,both  propositions.  Sir  George 
Bowyer  was  very  funny.  He  was  angry  at  the  pictorial  preserva- 
tion of  the  fact  that  Charles  the  First's  coffin  had  been  insulted 
by  a  Roundhead,  because  he,  Sir  G.  was  a  Cavalier  and  a  Loyalist,  and 
lie  was  also  angry  that  there  is  a  picture  of  the  slaughter  of  David 
IIizzio,  because  he  did  not  think  that  operation  was  creditable  to  any- 
body concerned.  But  if  our  national  records  are  to  contain  nothing 
I  but  illustrations  of  virtue,  history  had  better  be  re-written.  Except 
j  the  Establishment  of  Punch,  when  has  there  been  a  grand  and  unsullied 
!  historical  action  ?  There  was  a  much  less  respectable  cavil  raised  upon 
the  item  for  paying  the  cost  of  Lord  Brougham's  peerage  patent  out 
of  public  money.  Tins  objection  was  not  creditable  to  the  clique 
that  urged  it,  and  was  signally  defeated,  the  House  feeling  that  the 
tribute  to  the  Old  Schoolmaster  was  a  well  deserved  one.  _  The  House 
was  Counted  Out,  about  three  in  the  morning,  and  about  time  too. 

Friday.  Mr.  Punch  thought  there  would  be  a  row.  It  was  stated 
that  Admiral  Berkeley  was  to  be  made  Lord  Berkeley.  The 
eternal  Grantley  lost  no  time  in  petitioning  against  such  title  being 
granted  to  his  brother.  Granville  answered  Gbantley  that  there 
should  be  no  such  Grant.  It  is  said  that  Sir  Maurice  is  to  be  called 
Fitzhardinge,  which  is  well,  because  the  name  wdl  be  very  pleasant 
to  G.  B.  and  because  it  is  right  to  preserve  a  title  that  has  been  borne 
by  virtue  and  so  forth. 

Lord  Derby  evidently  does  not  like  being  kept  in  Town,  though 
what  he  stops  for,  nobody  knows.  He  said  that  there  were  02  Bills  to 
pass  before  Prorogation.  But  as  he  has  not  got  to  pass  them,  why 
does  he  not  finish  packing,  and  go  ?  Granville  thought  that  the  Lords 
might  stop  in  Town  and  attend  to  legislation ;  and  this  Hakdwicke 
thought  very  hard,  as  other  folks_  were  going  away.  _  Lord  Portman, 
for  once,  came  out  with  a  sensible  remark,  and  said  that  it  was  the 
excess  of  talking  in  the  other  House  that  caused  delays,  and  that  the 
Lords  should  teach  the  Commons  how  to  get  through  work  without 
chatter. 

Then  did  Lord  Westbury  make  fight  for  his  cliilcl,  the  Bankruptcy 
Bill,  and  try  to  get  the  Lords  to  accept  the  Commons' judgment  on  the 
amendments.  His  Lordship  certainly  used  apostolical  plainness  of 
speech,  and  gave  his  audience  to  understand  that  he  did  not  think  they 
comprehended  much  about  the  question.  He  wished  he  could  have  had 
hah  an  hour's  quiet  talk  with  Lord  Derby,  and  would  have  "  laid  his 
life  "  he  wotdd  have  converted  that  Earl.  A  more  earnest  effort  for  a 
scheme  coidd  not  have  been  made,  but  it  was  not  fated  to  be  successful. 
Cranworth,  and  Chelmsford,  and  Wensleydale  ("  I  could  not 
hear  a  word  of  what  he  said,"  remarked  the  Chancellor)  all  set  them 
against  the  Commons,  and  in  the  end  the  principal  amendment,  that 
which  floors  the  Judge,  was  adhered  to  by  80  to  46.  On  other  points 
the  Lords  gave  way. 

Sir  Robert  Peel  goes  to  Ireland  as  Secretary — sequiturque  patrem 
hand  passibus  cequis — the  last  word  meaning  "  steady,"  pro  hci'c  vice, 
Wiscount ;  the  last  quotation  meaning  on  this  occasion  only,  and  by 
particidar  desire  of  a  person  of  distinction,  the  last  phrase  meaning  Mr. 
Punch. 

A  good  deal  of  money  was  voted,  Lord  Palmerston  declared  that 
Prance  was  building  a  great  many  iron  ships,  and  that  other  nations 
were  imitating  her,  and  after  some  smart  debating,  Mr.  Disraeli 
ru-ged  that  we  ought  not  to  say  that  we  were  building  ships  in  defiance, 
or  out  of  suspicion  of  Prance,  but  that  inasmuch  as  a  new  era  in  ship- 
building had  come,  it  was  necessary  for  all  nations  to  bring  then-  navies 
up  to  the  new  mark.  We  should  not  be  insulting.  Tins  elegant  sug- 
gestion made  White  bawl  out  that  the  Tories  clearly  expected  to  come 
into  office  soon,  and  were  trying  to  make  things  pleasant.  To  this 
there  was  no  reply  made.  Ministers  are  shifting  a  little  uneasily,  but 
the  Constable  will  keep  all  steady  for  the  present. 


A  Plat  Contradiction. 

The  Era,  which  is  largely  benefited  by  the  advertisements  of  poor 
actors  and  actresses  seeking  situations,  tries  to  be  "  severe  "  upon  the 
Fete  for  the  benefit  of  the  Dramatic  College,  and  professes  to  be  most 
anxious  for  "the  respectability  and  advancement  of  the  Drama  and  its 
cvponents."  How  can  that  be  when  the  Era  considers  itself  "the  best 
theatrical  organ !  " — Funny,  is  it  not  ? 


A  POET  CLOSE  TO  THE  PREMIER. 

Great  Palmerston,  I  'm  glad  to  see  that,  though. 

To  clamour  you  gave  up  the  first  Horse-Bide 
In  Kensington  Gardens,  now  you  have  the  foe 

By  making  another  hi  a  different  part  of  them,  defied. 
Such  noble  daring  shows  a  firm  determination 
Not  to  be  put  down  by  Rabble  agitation. 

A  set  of  base  and  brutal  Sinisters  _ 

To  place  then  unwashed  selves  in  fragrant  opposition 
To  a  great  public  improvement  of  the  Minister's  ! 

They  may  go  and  be  devoted  to  perdition ! 
No,  no,  stand  firm  and  offer  an  invincible  resistance 
To  the  efforts  of  these  uncircumspect  Pldlistines. 

Methinks  a  Deputation  I  now  see, 
A  Posse  of  those  blackguards  waiting  on  you, 

I  llust  rious  Palmerston,  beseeching  thee 
Away  with  the  Horse  Ride  to  do, 

Where  the  Nobility  and  gentry  roam  at  quiet  paces, 

Displaying  a  galaxy  of  lovely  faces. 

Rapt  in  the  vision  of  an  inspired  Bard, 

I  see  you  send  them  to  the  right  about, 
Giving  the  hindmost  rascal  a  kick  so  hard 

That  you  prostrate  them  altogether  in  a  rout, 
By  which  means  taken  unawares, 
They  all  tumble  down-stairs  ! 

Oh,  noble  Palmerston,  you  have  now  restored 

That  ride,  that  is  another  for  the  same. 
So  has  a  host  of  envious  malicious  miscreants  poured 

Then-  venom  on  an  eminent  Poet's  fame 
Which  now  I  hope,  defying  that  rebel  crew, 
You  '11  give  your  humble  servant  back  his  pension  too. 


THE  HOUSE  OF  COMMONS  ON  ART. 

Notwithstanding  the  proverb  De  Gmtilms,  the  House  of  Commons 
has  of  late  very  frequently  engaged  itself  hi  debates  on  the  subject  of 
Art.  As  the  Houses  of  Parliament  are  to  be  adorned  with  statues  if 
possible,  and  disfigured  with  statues  if  not,  and  whereas  it  is  inexpe- 
dient that  these  Houses  should  be  disfigured  by  the  statues  wherewith 
they  are  at  any  rate  to  be  furnished,  and  further  whereas  the  disfigure- 
ment of  the  said  Houses  is  extremely  likely  to  be  caused  by  any  statue 
which  they  may  order  to  be  made,  therefore  perhaps  Mr.  Cowper,  in 
lis  capacity  of  First  Commissioner  of  Works,  will  cause  every  such 
statue  to  be  brought  before  the  House  of  Commons,  and  will  move  that 
the  House  do  go  into  Committee  thereon  with  a  view  to  pass  the 
statue,  as  it  were,  into  a  statute,  before  allowing  it  to  stand  on  a 
parliamentary  basis,  or  pedestal. 

If  this  plan  were  adopted,  any  Honourable  Member  could,  in  case  he 
thought  proper,  move  an  amendment  on  the  statue's  nose,  or  any  other 
feature,  or  part,  of  its  face  or  body,  which  he  might  deem  objectionable 
or  capable  of  being  improved.  The  amendment  if  carried,  might  be 
executed,  either  by  the  artist  who  produced  the  statue,  or  by  some 
other  employed  as  executioner  by  the  House.  The  various  amendments 
proposed  by  the  Members  of  the  House  on  the  members  and  lineaments 
of  the  statue,  having  been  adopted,  or  having  fallen  to  the  ground,  the 
question  might  then  be  put  "  That  tins  statue  do  now  pass,"  and  then 
should  it,  after  having  undergone  the  corrections  and  alterations  of 
divers  Honourable  Gentlemen,  present,  as  it  might,  an  unsatisfactory 
appearance,  the  statue  might,  after  all,  be  rejected.  As  the  sculptor 
hired  to  make  it  would  have  to  be  paid  for  his  work,  the  rejection  of 
statues  would  be  throwing  a  little  money  away,  but  nobody  could 
object  to  that,  except  Mr.  Williams. 

A  statue  with  the  merits  of  which  the  House  felt  itself  unable  to 
deal,  or  could  not  agree  about  them,  might  always  be  referred  to  a 
Select  Committee,  like  the  business  of  the_  nation.  In  the  mean  time, 
all  manner  of  idle  and  impertinent  questions  might  be  asked  of  the 
Government  on  the  subject  of  statues  and  works  of  art  in  general,  by 
Irish  Members  of  the  Brazen  Band,  and  other  bores  individually  per- 
verse or  crazy,  or  desirous  of  obstructing  wise  legislation.  One  could 
rise  to  move  for  the  production  of  any  correspondence  which  may  have 
passed  between  Her  Majesty's  Ministers  and  the  French  and  Italian 
Governments  touching  the  Laocbon.  Another  might  beg  leave,  _  in 
the  absence  of  the  noble  Lord,  the  Secretary  for  Foreign  Affairs^ 
now  hi  another  place,  to  ask  the  noble  Viscount  the  First  Lord  of 
the  Treasury,  whether  the  Cabinet,  in  its  communications  with  any 
Foreign  Power,  had  deemed  it  necessary  to  advert  to  the  attitude  of 
the  Dying  Gladiator.  Honourable  Gentlemen  would  thus  highly  increase 
the  merriment,  and  add  somewhat  to  the  utility,  of  those  discussions 
which,  on  Friday  night,  are  their  delight,  in  the  Session  of  the  year. 


August  3,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


45 


THE    PERFORMER    AND    THE    PUBLIC. 

he  celebrated  Mon- 
sieur Blondin  has 
been  showing  himself  a 
plagiarist  of  Paganini. 
He  has  been  playing  a 
piece  of  music  on  a 
single  string-.  The  sin- 
gle string  on  which  he 
played  was,  however,  a 
tight  rope,  and  not  a 
violin  string.  His  per- 
formance was  more 
wondrous  than  any  we 
have  witnessed,  and 
though  all  his  brother 
rope-dancers  have  said 
there  is  nothing  new 
in  it,  almost  every 
minute  for  upwards  of 
an  hour  brought  us 
some  fresh  startling 
novelty  to  wonder  at. 
Among  a  hundred 
other  marvels,  he  exe- 
cuted summersaults  on 
stilts  and  in  French 
sabots,  besides  some 
most  _  extraordinary 
"Feats  with  the  Pole,"  which  so  surprisingly  excited  our  acrobatic  animus,  that 
in  our  eagerness  to  see  them,  we  jumped  over  the  barriers,  and  performed  some 
most  extraordinary  feats  with  the  Police.  Moreover,  the  performance  had  for  us 
this  extra  pleasure  that  it  took  place  at  a  height  of  only  six  feet  from  the  ground, 
so  that  we  could  look  at  the  performer  quite  in  comfort,  and  without  feeling  a  fear 
that  he  would  break  his  neck. 

Somewhat  to  our  surprise,  seeing  that  we  saw  the  success  of  the  performance, 
we  now  see  it  announced  that  it  "  will  not  be  repeated,"  whereas  of  M.  Blondin's 


ascents  on  the  high  rope,  another  dangerous  dozen  is  forth- 
with to  take  place.  Had  as  many  thousands  nocked  to 
see  him  on  the  low  rope  as  to  see  him  on  the  high  one  the 
former  show  woidd  doubtless  have  in  preference  been 
repeated ;  for  we  can't  think  M.  Blondin  brave  as  he  may 
be,  can  have  any  actual  liking  for  endangering  his  neck. 
It  is  said  that  if  he  slips  he  is  quite  able  to  save  himself, 
and  that  the  Palls  of  Niagara  are  the  only  falls  with  which 
his  name  will  ever  be  remembered.  But  safe  as  he  may 
feel  by  his  long  practice  of  liis  art,  against  a  moment's  gid- 
diness no  human  bram  can  guard,  and  who  that  sees  can 
doubt  that  moment  would  prove  fatal  ?  Still,  while  the 
public  flock  to  see  his  perilous  performances,  it  cannot 
much  be  wondered  he  continues  to  repeat  them.  To  use 
the  tight  rope  as  he  does  must  take  no  small  amount  of 
industry  and  courage,  and  for  both  these  quahties  we  give 
him  our  respect.  But  who  can  feel  respect  for  the  people 
who  encourage  such  neck-breaking  amusements,  and  tempt 
performers  by  their  patronage  to  "seek  to  gain  a  living  at 
the  risk  of  losing  life  ? 


LONDON  LEFT  A  LONG  WAY  BEHIND. 

Southampton  has  erected  a  statue  to  the  memory  of 
Dr.  Watts,  whom  the  Earl  op  Shaftesbury,  in  an  elo- 
quent speech,  characterised  as  a  "  poet,  priest,  and  philo- 
sopher." We  might  look  through  the  streets  of  London  in 
vain  for  a  statue  that  is  erected  to  a  single  poet,  or  priest, 
or  philosopher.  A  foreigner,  to  walk  through  the  Metropolis, 
would  imagine  that  we  had  no  great  men  Jjut  generals  and 
kings  !  In  the  course  of  his  speech,  the  noble  Lord  said  : 
"  The  erection  of  monuments  as  mere  works  of  art  was  idle." 
Certainly,  the  specimens  that  are  supposed  to  adorn  our 
beautiful  capital,  are,  as  "works  ot  art,"  exceedingly 
"idle  ;  "  and,  like  all  idle  people,  they  are  terribly  in  the 
way,  and  take  up  the  room  of  better  persons.  In  fact, 
they  are  so  extremely  "  idle,"  that  in  our  opinion  the  sooner 
they  are  taken  up,  as  vagrants,  and  locked  up,  the  better ! 


OUR    DRAMATIC    CORRESPONDENT. 

"  Dear  Punch, 

"  By  far  the  most  important  theatrical  event  that  has  occurred 
since  my  last  letter  was  the  Fancy  Fair  held  at  the  Crystal  Palace  on 
Saturday  the  20th,  for  the  benefit  of  the  funds  of  the  Royal  Dramatic 
College.  After  a  week  of  showers,  there  was  '  an  entire  change  in  the 
programme '  of  the  weather,  and  the  sun  was  very  bberal  in  pouring 
down '  his  golden  beams,  and  so  adding  to  the  golden  contributions  of 
the  day.  He  tipped  the  stalls  with  gold,  and  gave  an  added  brightness 
to  the  smiles  of  then  fair  keepers,  who  had  put  on  for  the  occasion 
their  sunniest  of  looks.  Besides  your  faithful  '  One  who  Pays,'  there 
were  present  nearly  fourteen  thousand  more  who  paid,  and  then  pay- 
ments to  the  charity  mounted,  I  am  told,  to  above  a  thousand  pounds. 

"  Of  course  everybody  was  there  (that  is,  everybody  who  is  cmi/hody) 
and  among  the  noteworthy  I  noticed  the  attendance  of  some  ultra-pious 
people,  who  had,  I  could  not  question,  sought  admission  by  mistake. 
I  rejoiced  that  curiosity,  or  some  equally  strong  motive,  had  restrained 
them  from  departure  when  they  ascertained  then  error  ;  for  they 
enjoyed  the  opportunity  of  seeing  how  our  players  are  zealous  in  good 
works,  and  have  in  the  sacred  cause  of  charity  an  ever  open  hand. 

"  You,  who  know  my  easily  impressionable  nature,  need  not  be  told 
how  I  succumbed  to  the  allurements  of  the  stall-keepers,  and  fell  an 
easy  victim  to  their  mercenary  wiles.  A  single  man,  I  bought  all  sorts 
of  drawiug-room  nicknackeries,  which  no  one  but  a  husband  would  ever 
dream  of  purchasing,  and  I  protest  that  even  now  I  feel  fatigued  with 
the  exertion  of  dipping  my  hand  so  often  and  so  deeply  in  my  pocket. 
It  was  quite  in  vain  that  I  struggled  with  my  fate.  1  had  no  sooner 
saved  my  siller  from  the  Scylla  of  one  stall,  than  my  gold  was  swallowed 
up  in  the  Charybdis  of  another.  A  glance  from  sunnyfaced  Peg 
Wqffmgton  cost  me  half-a-girinea  for  sixpeimyworth  of  pipe-lights,  and 
at  the  bidding  of  her  daughter  I  paid  a  fivepound  note  for  a  doll  that 
squinted  horribly.  Mrs.  Mathews  made  me  buy  a  thirty  shilling 
book-marker  and  an  embroidered  pair  of  braces,  for  neither  of  which 
articles  have  I  the  slightest  use.  Miss  Amy  Sedgwick  tempted  me  to 
take  a  half-crown  pincushion,  which  I  shall  wear  next  to  my  heart  to 

my  dying  day.    Miss I  will  not  write  her  name  for  fear  of  the 

Excise— sold  me  without  a  licence  a  most  infamous  cigar,  for  which  she 
had  the  modesty  to  charge  but  eighteenpence ;  while  at  Miss  Oliver's 
request,  or  I  should  rather  say  command,  I  made  myseh'  ridiculous  by 
purchasing  a  baby-jumper,  and  had  to  pay  her  half-a-sovereign  to  take 
it  off  my  hands. 

"  Then  I  paid  a  visit  and  some  shillings  to  the  Post-Office,  where 
more  letters  were  awaiting  me  than  I  had  room  to  pocket ;  and  I  shied 


at  old  'Aunt  Sally'  at  such  charitable  rates  as  cost  me  a  small  fortune 
for  each  pipe  of  hers  I  smashed.  After  that,  I  gained  admittance  to 
the  awful  Tent  of  Mystery,  whereof  the  secret  wonders  nothing  short 
of  threatened  boihng  shall  force  me  to  disclose  :  and,  as  a  cbmax  to  my 
horror,  I  made  my  back  hair  stand  on  end  by  a  sight  at  dear  old  Rich- 
ardson's (restored  for  this  occasion  only,  as  at  Greenwich  I  remember 
it),  where  in  the  short  space  of  ten  minutes  I  saw  a  five-act  tragedy 
(including  several  love-scenes),  a  four-sword  combat,  and  a  ghost. 
Besides  these  pleasures,  Mr.  Toole  amused  me  with  his  peep-show 
(surely  he  has  served  as  an  apprentice  to  that  art  ?),  and  I  heard 
delivered  a  most  wonderful  acrostic — a  kind  of  composition  I  had  fan- 
cied _  long  extinct.  Except  that  it  expressed  some  highly  charitable 
sentiments,  the  poetry,  I  think,  was  scarcely  worthy  the  occasion; 
and  there  seems  especial  reason  to  question  the  last  triplet,  which,  as  a 
curiosity  of  literature,  I  send  you  : — 

'  Entreaty  cannot  fail  in  such  a  suit, 
Gratitude  clamours,  though  my  tongue  be  mute, 
Et  olim  meniinisse  his,  beatus  fuit." 

"  Who  it  is  that  '  fuit  beatus '  I  won't  pretend  to  guess ;  and  in  a 
like  degree  it  really  passes  my  conjecture  that  any  one  m  any  way  con- 
nected with  the  stage  can  have  ever  been  made  happy  by  remembering 
a'teOV 

_ "  In  fine,  I  reached  my  chambers,  somewhile  after  sunshine  had 
given  place  to  gas,  laden  with  all  sorts  of  most  unbachelor-like  articles, 
including  baby  shoes  and  smelling-bottles,  pincushions_  and  ban-nets, 
toilet-cloths  and  anti-ma.cassars,  and  wax-dolls  witli  winking  eyes.  But 
greatly  as  the  Fancy  Fair  impoverished  my  pocket,  I  feel  my  memory 
enriched  with  many  pleasant  recollections  of  it ;  the  chief  of  which  is 
the  remembrance  of  the  earnestness  and  zeal  wherewith  hard-working 
players  sacrificed  then  leisure,  to  aid  the  noble  charity  connected  with 
their  name.  Let  Mawwonns  growl  then  worst,  people  can't  be  wholly 
bad  who  lend  their  hands  so  willingly  to  help  so  good  a  cause ;  and  as 
the  Queen  herself  is  a  Patron  of  the  College,  it  would  be  a  disloyalty  to 
doubt  its  real  worth. 

"One  who  Pays." 


A  Hint  to  Victor-Emmanuel. 

The  cradle  of  your  house  you've  sold ; 

Will  you  sell  your  homestead  after  ? 
Then  next  you  '11  lose  all  else  you  hold 

And  be  dished  'mid  all  men's  laughter. 


46 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[August  3,  1861. 


M\ii^ 


Sarcastic  Peeler.  "  Going  to  'aye  a  new  'orse  then,  Cabby  ? " 

Ccdib)/.  "  New  oss,  'ow  d'  ye  mean  ?  " 

Sarcastic  Peeler.  "  Why  you  'ye  got  the  Framework  together  already  !  " 


(An  old  Story  newly  applied,  apropos  of  a  late 
Debate  in  the  House  of  Commons  and  a  late 
Communique  in  the  Patrie.) 

Once  on  a  time,  in  Kilda's  isle, 
Where  nature  seldom  deigns  a  smile 

To  ripen  aught  that  grows, 
Where  heads  of  kail  are  precious  things, 
And  gooseberries  deemed  fruit  for  kings, 

And  thistle  stands  for  rose, 

An  isleman  stout,  by  dint  of  pains, 
And  sore  expense  of  com  and  brains 

In  sheltering  and  shielding, 
With  stacks  of  peat  and  dry-stone  walls, 
Contrived  to  rear,  in  spite  of  squalls, 

Some  kail-seed  up  to  yielding. 

Conceive  his  pride,  among  his  neighbours, 
When  the  result  of  nine  months'  labours 

Appeared  as  actual  cabbage  ! 
Conceive  the  strife  of  hope  and  patience, 
How  in  his  profit-calculations 

He  grew  a  bare-legged  Babbage. 

Not  Taylor  o'er  his  tests  and  trials, 
Nor  Faraday  above  his  phials 

E'er  hung  with  fonder  care, 
Than  did  our  isleman  o'er  those  greens, 
As  sheltered  by  their  dry-stone  screens 

They  braved  the  northern  air. 


BOCK    AGAIN  ! 

He  worked  by  day,  he  worked  by  night, 
His  bound'ry  walls  were  tall  and  tight, 

His  wicket  locked  and  barred ; 
But,  as  he  knew  how  strong  the  lure, 
To  make  assurance  doubly  sure, 

He  armed  for  watch  and  ward — 

He  sat  and  slept  and  took  his  meals, 
With  a  big  bull-dog  at  his  heels, 

A  blunderbuss  in  hand, 
As  in  old  times  of  which  we  've  read, 
When  every  man  to  guard  his  head 

Most  trusted  in  his  hand. 

But  not  of  all  his  neighbours  near, 
Our  canny  isleman  lived  in  fear, 

And  kept  his  armed  watch ; 
One  dangerous  rogue  next  door,  he  knew, 
Had  gauged  each  cabbage  as  it  grew, 

With  eye  that  seemed  to  snatch. 

'Gainst  him  the  fences  were  enlarged ; 
'Gainst  him  the  blunderbuss  was  charged; 

The  bull-dog  went  unmuzzled ; 
'Gainst  him  the  owner  of  the  yard 
Kept  daily  watch  and  nightly  guard, 

Till  e'en  this  rogue  was  puzzled. 

First  he  tried  arts  of  imposition : 
To  wean  the  keen  Scot  from  suspicion, 
Cozen,  cajole,  and  coax  him ; 


Offered  to  aid  him  in  Ins  digging, 
His  dykes  in  (what  the  Scotch  call) 
But  no  such  tricks  could  hoax  him 


bigging,' 


Till  on  a  night  both  dark  and  drear, 
When  round  the  kailyard,  far  and  near, 

Wind  howled,  and  waters  roared, 
The  sturdy  isleman  shelter  sought ; 
On  such  a  night,  e'en  thieves  (he  thought) 

Beneath  the  blankets  snored. 

But  close  at  hand  the  rogue  did  lurk, 
Who  setting  lustily  to  work 

Made  in  the  dyke  a  hole, 
And  quick  the  treach'rous  barrier  through 
His  head  and  half  his  body  drew, 

And  soon  had  drawn  the  whole. 

But  wary  as  your  rogue  may  be, 
Honesty 's  wide  awake  as  he  ; 

And  so  this  rascal  fouud. 
A  falling  stone  betrayed  the  thief, 
And  roused,  to  guard  each  precious  leaf, 

The  master  of  the  ground ! 

Out  from  his  hut  he  sprang,  unfrocked, 
His  bell-mouthed  blunderbuss  he  cocked, 

Unchained  his  bull-dog  stout, 
On  his  detective  bull's-eye  turned, 
And  the  bound-breaking  knave  discerned 

Half  inside  and  half  out. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI— August  3,   1861. 


ABOVE    THAT    SORT    OF    THING! 


August  3,  1861..]' 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


49 


The  honest  man  at  the  "present  " — 
TBe  rogue  on  safe  retreat  intent — 

One  moment  they  remain ! 
Then,  of  the  silence  making  end, 
Quoth    Honesty,    "Where  bound,  my 
friend?" 

Quoth  Roguery,  "  Book  again !  " 


MORAL. 

Scotch  kail,  you  see,  and  not  Savoy  's 
The  plant  my  little  tale  employs 

Its  warning  to  enhance, 
Lest  by  interpretation  rude 
People  should  fancy  I  allude 

To  the  elect  of  France — 


In  Europe  my  St.  Kilda  see, 
Assume  Sardinia  to  be 

The  kail  a  rogue  would  gain, 
Who,  Britain's  bull's-eye  on  him  flashed, 
Assures  us,  cool  and  unabashed, 

He 's  going  "  bock  again." 


OUR    ROVING    CORRESPONDENT. 

"  My  dear  Punch, 

"  The  artist's  season  is  drawing  to  a  close.  Por  at  least  three 
months  in  the  year  his  works  are  before  the  London  world.  And  if 
there  are  any  grumblers  among  us  who  complain  that  our  profession  is 
a  poor  one,  let  them  remember  how  many  shillings,  how  many  pounds, 
how  many  hundreds  of  pounds  have  been  paid  down  since  the  Academy 
opened,  in  a  cause  which  they  avow  the  British  public  has  not  at  heart. 

"  The  truth  is  that  art  was  never  more  respected,  talked  about, 
written  about,  and  better  remunerated,  than  in  the  present  time.  Was 
it  three  thousand  pounds  given  the  other  day  in  exchange  for^  a  dozen 
square  yards  of  canvas  ?  or  four  thousand  ?  or  five  thousand  ?  Shade 
of  Croesus  !  five  thousand  pounds  !  It  is  a  little  fortune.  Did  the 
divine  Raphael,  I  wonder,  ever  demand  such  a  sum  ?  or  the  lordly 
Titian  ?  or  Rubens  the  ambassador  ?  It  was  in  truth  a  noble  picture 
— worthy  of  any  age  of  art.  Let  us  more  humble  limners,  on  whom 
Portune'has  not  smiled  as  yet— let  us,  I  say,  as  we  quaff  the  generous 
double  X  and  inhale  our  fragrant  Latakia,  be  proud  that  the  nineteenth 
century  has  produced  it— ay  and  paid  for  it  too  ! 

"  To  return  once  more  to  the  R.A.  Exhibition.  Mr.  S.  Solomon 
has  shown  as  much  skill  in  painting  his  picture  (493)  as  honesty  in 
choosing  a  subject  which  he  can  handle  with  real  enthusiasm.  His 
style  is  a  happy  mean  between  the  Ideal  and  Natural  Schools  of  Art. 
Harmonious  without  stratagem — faithful  without  affectation — can  I  say 
more  in  applauding  his  Young  Musician  ? 

"  What  a  'ye  lack,  Madam,  what  d  'ye  lack  ?  is  the  title  given  by  Mr. 
Pettie  to  the  clever  study  of  a  mediaeval  haberdasher  displaying  his 
wares  for  sale  (537).  This  system  of  shop-door  touting  carried  on  in 
the  middle  ages  is  happdy  discontinued  now,  except  perhaps  in  the 
case  of  a  few  '  marts '  in  the  neighbourhood  of  Leicester  Square,  where 
formerly  you  could  not  look  for  an  instant  at  a  ■window  without  being- 
startled  by  the  sudden  appearance  of  a  shopman  who  popped  out  upon 
you  (like  a  spider  which  had  been  waiting  lor  its  prey),  and  solicited 
your  custom.  The  denizens  of  Peepiugtom  Street  should  subscribe  to 
purchase  this  picture  which  indicates  the  antiquity  (and  consequent 
respectability)  of  their  line  of  business. 

"  Mr.  -Smallfield  deserves  great  praise  for  a  very  truthful  repre- 
sentation of  humble  life  in  modern  Italy.  His  Florentine  Sawyers  (549), 
will  be  appreciated  by  all  who  care  to  remember  such  scenes  in  Tus- 
cany. The  addition  of  ' the  dinner  hour '  to  the  title  is  sufficient  to 
describe  the  subject.  It  is  ' mezzo  giorno,'  and  the  goodwife  has  just 
brought  her  husband's  dinner.  What  are  the  delicacies  in  that  basket  ? 
'  Cervelli  di  mongana'  or  '  coratella  di  bacchio  ? '  Plenty  of  garlic  you 
may  be  sure  will  season  that  oleaginous  and  humble  feast,  and  there  is 
no  lack  of  purple  figs  for  dessert.  The  lower  sawyer  already  looks  wist- 
fully at  the  flask  of  good  red  wine  which  I  hope  will  not  prove  too  much 
for  him.  As  for  the  top-sawyer,  he  is  of  course  elevated  enough  already. 

"  Petrarch's  First  Sight  of  Laura,  by  Mr.  Thomas,  is  aptly  placed  as 
a  pendant  for  Mr.  Holiday's  Dante  and  Beatrice,  and  both  pictures 
have  then'  admirers.  In  the_  latter,  Petrarch  is  perhaps  a  little  too 
effeminate  in  appearance,  and  indeed  seems  almost  less  of  a  man  than 
his  mistress.  Laura  is  pretty  enough  to  justify  the  supposition  that 
the_  young  poet's  devotions  that  morning  at  matins  were  somewhat 
divided  in  their  object.  The  meeting  of  Dante  and  Beatrice  as  children 
is  unconventional  in  treatment  and  good  in  colour,  and  it  is  pleasant  to 
see  such  a  Hobday  resulting  from  such  labour. 

"  Home  from  Work  (624),  by  Mr.  Hughes  is  a  carefully  wrought 
picture  in  the  P.  R.  manner.  It  is  a  subject  after  the  painter's  own 
heart,  and  if  it  does  not  aspire  to  the  high  moral-making  aim  of  the 
Grand  School,  is  at  least  full  of  good  descriptive  poetry.  The  principal 
figure— a  labourer  who  stoops  down  to  kiss  his  children — is  excellently 
painted,  and  the  youngest  gud  a  charming  little  creature.  It  has  been 
objected  that  the  material  of  which  her  dress  (a  white  robe)  is  made,  has 
not  been  sufficiently  defined,  but  after  all  does  it  matter  much  how  the  child 
itself  is  clothed,  wlnle  the  whole  picture  is  invested  with  such  interest  ? 

"  The  Stone  Walls  of  Old  England  (616)  speak  for  themselves,  and 
surely  if  there  be  sermons  in  stones,  these  Speeton  Cliffs  should  read 
us  a  homily.  The  whole  scene,  from  the  edge  of  the  precipice  down  to 
the  very_  depths  of  the  scene  below  is  as  full  of  truth  as  of  beauty.  The 
horizon  is  placed  high  up  on  the  canvas  certainly,  but  one  likes  to  see 
some  subjects  from  a  new  point  of  view.  A  mid-day  effect  seems  to 
have  been  given  to  this  landscape  which  is  of  course  all  the  more 
creditable  when  one  remembers  it  was  painted  by  Knight. 

"  A  still  more  accurate  piece  of  coast  painting  may  be  seen  in  The 
Old  Lizard  Head  (638)   by  Mr.  Naish,  where  indeed  imitation  is 


carried  as  far  as  it  can  be.  You  may  count  the  pebbles  ou  the  beach, 
identify  the  geological  characters  of  each  rock  and  almost  hear  the 
roar  of  the  waves  as  they  come  dashing  on  the  shore.  Nor  has  the 
painter  forgotten  that  a  mere  transcript  of  nature  is  not  the  only  aim  of 
art.  There  is  something  more  than  this  in  that  weather-beaten  spar 
which  has  drifted  in  with  the  tide,  and  the  low  swoop  of  the  sea-gull 
through  the  white  and  misty  spray. 

' '  Hah !  Polybosfoio  tha'lasses  !  ain't  it  Mr.  Heasel  ? '  says  Scum- 
bleton  (whose  quotations  are  not  remarkable  for  accuracy)  and  then 
we  cross  the  room. 

"  The  Arrest  of  a  Deserter  (581)  is  an  incident  in  which,  as  treated  by 
Miss  Solomon,  one  does  not  know  whether  there  is  more  of  fun,  or 
melancholy.  Perhaps  a  mixture  of  both  is  intended.  A  poor  private 
in  the  '  Onety-oneth,'  who  has  evidently  more  taste  for  the  buskin  than 
the  bayonet,  has  run  away  from  his  regiment  to  join  a  company  of 
strolling  players  and  the  moment  chosen  for  the  tableau  is  his  capture 
by  two  comrades.  The  guise  in  which  he  is  discovered  plainly  indicates 
that  he  has  been  the  hero  of  the  piece.  'Oh,  Hamlet,  what  a  falling  off 
was  there ! '  To  think  that  those  hands  which  a  few  minutes  since 
were  clashed  in  mock  agony  should  now  be  encompassed  by  a  pair  of 
handcuffs  !  Li  vain  poor  Columbine  intercedes — in  vain  Mr.  Merryman 
looks  glum.  The  Pates  are  adverse  and  the  heartless  warriors  lead  him 
down  the  steps.  Ah,facilis  descensus  !  who  shall  say,  perhaps  when  he 
remounts  to  win  his  laurels,  it  may  be  on  the  scaling  ladder  ! 

"  The  Bribe  (590),  by  Mr.  Storey,  is  well  painted,  but  a  little  mys- 
terious in  point  of  subject.  The  scene  is  laid  in  the  dungeon  of  an  old 
castle,  date  about  the — let  us  say — castellated  period.  Through  the 
half-open  door  we  see  a  knight  disguised  as  a  friar,  apparently  bribing  a 
porter  to  allow  him  to  enter.  In  the  dungeon  just  behind  the  door 
stands  a  gentleman  in  a  slashed  doublet,  evidently  only  waiting  for  the 
intruder's  entrance  to  let  fly  at  him  with  an  arquebuse,  while  a  young 
lady  stands  by  ready  to  finish  him  off  with  a  dagger  in  case  of  accidents. 
In  short,  as  far  as  the  knight  is  concerned  it  will  be  a  case  of  '  knocks  et 
prmterea  nihil'  ' Querer per  solo  Querer'  is  the  authority  cited  by  Mr. 
Storey  for  his  text,  and  a  queerer  Story  than  this  I  have  seldom  seen 
upon  canvas. 

"  What !  have  I  arrived  at  the  North  Room,  with  so  _  little  time  to 
explore  it !  Will  that  remorseless  Hall  porter  not  wait  one  instant 
whde  I  traverse  this  chamber  devoted  at  once  to  Architecture  and 
Miniature — Utile  portraits  and  great  designs — human  bricks  and  their 
argillaceous  prototypes  ?  Why  am  I  joking  ?  Do  not  Mr.  Scott's 
drawings  for  the  proposed  Government  Offices  hang  here,  reminding  me 
of  what  the  latter  might  have  been  but  for  Pam's  prejudices  and  his 
stern  decree?  Adieu  Dalzlel,  Redgrave,  Thorburn^ Richmond, 
Moira.  A  passing  grateful  glance  is  all  that  I  have  time  for  now. 
******** 

"  See  Talfourd's  portraits  smile  down  kindly  as  I  leave  the  room. 
Let  me  walk  my  chalks  as  gracefully  as  he  uses  his,  and  draw  what 
moral  I  may  from  the  Exhibition  as  its  great  doors  swing  to  for  the 
last  time  this  year,  and  shut  out  your  humble  Servant, 

"  Jack  Easel." 


Sir  F.  Kelly's  Circular  to  the  Ear. 

"A  first  class  pass  shall  be  sent  to  you." 

Sir  Pitzroy  Kelly  much  averse 

To  have  Wood  for  the  City, 
Jingles  aloud  a  well-filled  purse 

ils  Chairman  of  Committee. 
"No  Radical  for  London,  No  !  " 

He  cries,  "  We  're  not  such  asses  ! 
Money  will  make  the  Mayor  to  go, 

So  run  for  first  class  passes." 


A  Say  of  Talent  and  Mystery. 

In  the  Athenmim,  we  read  that  there  is  to  be  shortly  a  wind-up  of  the 
Ray  Society,  inasmuch  as  it  seems  that  the  Rays  do  not  see  very  clearly 
how  to  raise  the  wind.  In  our  innocence,  however,  we  always  thought 
the  Royal  Academy  was  the  real  R-A  Society,  and,  considering  the 
innumerable  shillings  they  take  every  year,  we  should  say  that  the 
finances  of  that  illustrious  body  were  extremely  "  bobbish."  Again, 
our  innocence  prompts  us  further  to  inquire,  whether  the  Photographic 
Society  could  not  put  in  a  claim  that  would  be  incapable  of  _  dispute — 
since  it  would  necessarily  be  as  clear  as  daylight — to  be  considered  the 
oidy,  true,  and  original  Ray  Society  ? 


INCH 


LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[August  3,  1861. 


"Ah!  You  lost  a  Sight,  Sir,  I  can  tell  you,  by  not  Icing  at  our  Review.  The  Duke  is  a 
Splendid  Fellow,  Sir, — sees  everything.  There's  no  Shirking  with  him,  Sir  ;  and  precious  Hard 
Work  ivc  had  of  it,  I  can  assiore  you.  I  actually  lost  One  Stun  Thirteen  Pounds  that  day,  Sir, — 
by  Jove ! !  " 


SPIRITUAL  PAUPERISM. 

The  guardians  of  the  Durham  Union  appear 
to  think  that  there  ought  to  be  a  correspondence 
between  the  spiritual  nutriment  of  paupers  and 
their  material  diet.  Under  this  impression  it 
evidently  was  that  they  advertised  the  other  day 
for  a  chaplain,  offering  the  salary  of  £20  ayear. 
Their  advertisement  was  answered  by  a  tender 
from  one  John  Smart,  who  turned  out  to  have 
been  a  clergyman's  footman,  and  conceived 
that  he  had  learned  to  exercise  the  functions  of 
a  parson  from  his  master.  He  had,  he  said,  "  had 
a  good  deal  of  private  practice,  but  not  pubne." 
The  Rev.  John  Smart,  in  proposing  himself  a 
candidate  for  the  sacred  office  vacant,  made  the 
very  characteristic  aud  incontrovertible  remark, 
"  The  salery  offerd  is  indeed  very  small."  Such 
would  be  the  natural  remark,  not  only  of  John 
Smart,  but  also  of  John  Thomas;  and  no 
doubt  Mr.  Smart  spoke  the  sentiments  which 
he  would  naturally  entertain  as  a  member  of  the 
livery,  as  well  as  those  which  he  might  be  sup- 
posed to  feel  as  an  aspirant  to  the  cloth. 

It  is  painful  to  find  a  respectable  man-servant 
reduced  to  apply  for  employment  in  the  capacity 
of  a  Workhouse  chaplain.  Cannot  an  inferior 
class  of  clergymen  be  ordained  on  purpose  to 
administer  to  paupers  a  coarser  kind  of  spiritual 
food?  Deep  indeed  must  be  the  hunnliation 
experienced  by  a  footman  in  exchanging  plush 
and  gold  lace  for  the  canonicals  of  a  chaplain 
whose  salary  is  £20  a-year. 


Pemale  Repentance. — The  best  penance  that 
we  can  do  for  envying  another's  bonnet  is  to 
endeavour  to  surpass  it. — La  Morale  en  Action 
pour  les  Barnes. 


CHILDREN    FOR    SALE. 

A  SMALL    DAY    SCHOOL  FOR  SALE.— Several   exchange  pupils, 
and  other  advantages.    Very  suitable  for  a  lady  without  occupation,  a  widow, 
<fcc.     Apply  to  Mes.  A.  B.,  &c. — Advertisement. 

And  why  not  ?  Everything  is  sold  now-a-days.  A  Parliamentary 
majority — a  guarantee  for  honesty — a  charge  of  souls — a  lady's  com- 
plexion— the  victory  in  a  horse-race — a  testimonial  to  one's  virtues — a 
pedigree  from  Agincourt — a  diploma  from  a  university — a  presentation 
at  Court — a  complete  set  of  Punch — everything  that  is,  or  that  the 
world  thinks  valuable,  may  be  had  by  money,  judiciously  applied,  and 
why  not  a  School  ? 

Without  a  word  of  protest,  and  indeed  in  the  highest  good  humour, 
Mr.  Punch  would  accompany  the  intending  Buyer  to  see  what  the 
intending  Seller  of  the  scholastic  article  exhibited,  in  the  early  stage 
of  the  negotiation. 

Sharp-visagedold  maid,  with  a  little  money  in  the  three  per  cents, 
and  having  nothing  to  do,  and  desiring  better  interest  than  the  Govern- 
ment's, has  read  the_  advertisement,  and  does  not  see  why,  if  she  can 
make  a  good  bargain,  the  thing  should  not  suit  her.  So  calls  on 
advertiser,  who  was  almost  as  sharp-visaged  as  herself,  but  has  been  a 
little  softened  by  an  offer  of  marriage  from  the  grocer,  who  wishes  her 
to  retire  from  educational  life — so  she  sells  the  children. 

"  Come  in,  if  you  please,  M'm,  and  you  can  see  the  children  at  their 
lessons.  Sit  down  here,  M'm,  and  count  them,  if  you  like,  for  I  am 
above  all  underhaudedness,  and  would  only  do  the  thing  that  is  just 
and  right.  That  young  person?  That  is  my  niece.  She  does  the 
teaching,  and_  being  an  orphan  I  allow  her  that  privilege  of  improving 
herself,  likewise  her  meals,  and  I  superintend  and  correct,  and  I  should 
recommend  you  the  same  course,  M'm. '  Boy  at  the  top  of  the  class  ? 
Quite  right,  M'm,  and  he  is  as  stupid  as  he  looks,  but  his  father  is  the 
tax-collector— you  understand— we  have  to  attend  to  these  little 
matters.  Next  boy  ?  Little  Lorner,  yes— if  yon  want  an  example  at 
any  time  for  punishment,  he  is  safe  enough— his  step-father  sends  him 
here— and  you  can  use  him  for  errands.  Next  ?  Well,  he  is  rather 
dirty,  but  his  father  exchanges  coals  against  tuition,  and  it  does  not  do 
to  be  too  particidar.  The  next— I  woidd  scorn  to  conceal  anything 
from  you,  M'm,  and  I  am  not  sure  that  he  is  safe  pay,  his  mother  goes  out 
teaching  singing,  and  owes  me  a  half-quarter,  but  he  is  a  smart-looking 
child,  and  good  to  call  up  when  a  parent  comes  with  a  new  pupU.  The 
next  is  going  away,  and  a  good  thing,  for  he  is  a  dreadfully  trouble- 
some and  vulgar  brat,  and  his  parents  stipulated  that  he  was  never  to 


be  punished ;  but  I  shall  do  what  is  right  by  you,  and  give  him  a  prize, 
because  he  has  two  brothers  whom  I  think  may  be  had.  The  next  is 
a  valuable  boy,  he  is  half  an  idiot,  and  is  only  sent  to  be  out  of  the 
way— we  never  teach  him  anything,  and,  as  you  see,  he  is  sucking  hard- 
bake in  class — it  is  a  good  example  to  the  others,  and  teaches  them 
self-denial— you  may  have  him  for  the  next  ten  years,  if  you  like.  The 
next  is  a  nice  little  fellow,  his  father  is  an  undertaker,  and  one  of  the 
pleasantest  men  in  the  neighbourhood,  I  trust  you  may  never  know  what 
it  is  to  have  a  loss,  M'm,  but  if  you  should,  little  Earthworm's  father 
will  do  you  justice,  his  schooling  is  finishing  off  a  bill  for  the  burying 
my  poor  great  aunt,  but  that  you  will  have  nothing  to  do  with.  The 
next  is  a  nephew  of  my  own ;  and  if  we  agree,  M'm,  I  dare  say  we  can 
make  his  continuance  mutually  agreeable,  as  he  will  require  education, 
and  you  will  be  hi  need  of  groceries.  The  next  I  would  advise  you  to 
be  attentive  to  though  he  is  not  a  nice  child  to  look  at — his  name  is 
Snufeton,  and  his  friends  keep  the  Silver  Dragon,  and  have  a  good 
deal  to  say  in  the  way  of  recommendation.  He  and  that  little  Lorner 
had  a  fight  the  other  day,  and  Snitffton's  mother  was  much  pleased 
at  my  sending  home  Lorner  with  a  note  desiring  his  step-father  to 
cane  him.  Well,  M'm,  now  if  you  will  walk  into  the  parlour,  I  shall 
be  happy  to  show  you  my  account-book,  for  I  desire  nothing  but  what 
is  fan  and  above  board.  Teach  myself  ?  Well,  no,  M'm.  The  fact  is 
I  am  not  much  fit  for  teaching,  but  a  few  friends  thought  I  could 
better  myself  by  opening  a  school,  and  Maria  there  does  the  work, 
and  so  under  Providence  I  have  prospered,  M'm.  This  way,  M'm, 
if  you  please." 

And  once  more,  why  not  ?  Anybody  can  Teach,  but  that 's  not  the 
question.  In  a  free  country,  anybody  has  a  right  to  sell  what  anybody 
has  money  to  buy. 


THE  POLKA  IN  NETLEY  ABBEY. 

We  are  at  liberty  to  state  that  a  subscription  has  been  set  afoot  for 
the  purpose  of  erecting  a  Chapel-of-Ease  to  Netley  Abbey.  The  worship 
of  Terpsichore  wont  to  be  performed  by  the  gents  and  corresponding 
persons  of  the  softer  sex  amid  the  venerable  ruins  of  Netley,  has  been 
felt,  by  everybody  of  the  slightest  pretension  to  taste  and  feeling  in  the 
neighbourhood,  to  be  an  incongruity  with  those  relics  of  a  defunct 
faith.  In  short,  the  new  Chapel  to  be  erected  at  Netley  is  meant  for 
the  snobs  of  both  sexes  to  dance  in,  so  many  of  them  as  are  too  genteel 
to  adjourn  for  their  hop  to  the  neighbouring  public-house. 


August  3,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


51 


OUR    MUSICAL    POLICE. 


MS/ 


S  the  police  are  forming 
bands  for  musical 
amusement,  there  is  no 
knowing  how  funnily 
the  taste  for  it  may- 
show  itself,  or  how 
much  it  may  enliven 
their  grave  bearing  in 
the  streets.  A  police- 
man when  off  duty  will 
beguile  his  leisure  time 
with  practising  the 
flute,  and  when  invited 
out  to  supper  at  some 
kitchen  in  his  beat,  will 
be  asked  to  bring  his 
fiddle,  if  he  play  upon 
that  instrument,  or  else 
to  entertain  the  com- 
pany with  a  solo  on  the 
drum.  Soirees  musicales 
will  be  held  nightly  by 
our  servants,  whereat 
the  principal  perform- 
ers will  belong  to  the 
police;  and  every  now 
and  then,  when  the 
family  is  out  of  town, 
Al  or  Z  2  will  be  invited  to  a  matinee,  where  " ung pew  de  music"  will  be  promised 
in  the  note,  and  will  relieve  the  conversation  and  perhaps  assist  the  appetite. 
Cooks,  it  is_  well  known,  are  a  weakness  with  the  Eorce ;  and  there  is  very  little 
doubt  that  if  a  sentimental  "bobby"  discover  that  his  lady-love  has  any  ear  for 
music,  he  will  lose  no  chance  of  gaming  her  affections  (and  cold  mutton)  by  making 
instrumental  music  instrumental  to  that  end.  We  can  well  conceive  his  standing 
in  a  Bon  Giovanni  attitude  just  opposite  her  area,  and  awakening  its  echoes  with 
the  notes  of  "  Beh  Fieni,''  played  on  the  ophicleide,  while  the  cats  in  the  vicinity 
squeal  in  dismal  concert  with  his  melancholy  strain. 

Such  are  some  of  the  results  which  we  think  likely  to  ensue  when  music  becomes 
generally  practised  by  policemen,  and  we  trust  their  constant  practice  may  ulti- 


mately bring  them  to  that  nearness  to  perfection  which  is 
found  in  those  whom  we  may  almost  call  their  namesakes, 
we  mean  the  justly  celebrated  band  of  the  Blues. 


MRS.  ROCHEFOUCAULD'S  MAXIMS. 

I  am  not  surprised,  Mr.  Punch,  that  you  have  afforded 
my  maxims  room  in  your  gallant  columns.  Your  devotion 
to  ladies  is  as  universally  recognised  as  your  superlative 
wit.  I  told  you  the  maxims  I  sent  you  were  not  the  best 
in  my  collection :  now,  let  me  prove  it  to  you.  I  know 
you  will  relish  them  even  more  than  the  first  batch.  JJappetit 
vient  en  mangeant. 

A  woman  is  twenty  at  seventeen ;  and  just  twenty-nine 
when  she  is  forty. 

The  prettiest  bonnet  in  the  world  is  the  cause  of  infinite 
uneharitableness.    There  is  a  wasp  in  every  rose  of  it. 

Nobody  can  pay  one  a  compliment  Mice  oneself. 

How  foolish  your  clever  men  look  in  love  :  we  have  the 
advantage  over  Nestor  when  he  kneels  before  us. 

The  most  amiable  lady  who  praises  your  coiffure  in  a 
ball-room,  woidd  hate  you  if  she  thought  you  looked  as 
well  as  herself. 

A  woman's  first  wish  is  to  shine  the  fairest  of  her  sex ; 
a  man's  to  be  the  richest  among  men. 

It  is  easier  to  forgive  a  woman  who  has  done  us  an 
injury,  than  one  who  has  been  preferred  to  us  for  a 
quadi'ille. 

In  Society,  all  kinds  of  evil  passions  lie  under  smiles — 
as  reptiles  lie  in  the  shade,  under  flowers. 

We  are  never  so  pretty  as  we  believe  ourselves  to  be : 
and  never  so  ugly  as  we  appear  to  our  dear  friend  who  is 
older  than  ourself. 

It  is  a  woman's  business  to  watch  chances.  The  ugliest 
woman  would  have  been  beautiful  in  the  eyes  of  Robinson 
Crusoe. 

Le  Follet  is  a  pip  from  the  apple  which  Eve  ate. 


A  DELICATE  INQUIRY  OEEICE. 

It  is  astonishing  that  the  lady  referred  to  in  the  following  newspaper 
paragraph  should  be  a  widow  : — 

'*  Not  Particular  as  to  a  Shade. — In  a  Bristol  (N.  Y.)  paper  a  young  widow 
lady  advertises  that  she  desires  to  meet  with  an  affectionate  and  good-tempered 
partner  who  can  offer  her  a  comfortable  home.  A  gentleman  of  colour  not  objected 
to,  from  45  to  50  years  of  age." 

How  did  a  lady,  reduced  to  advertise  for  a  second  husband,  and 
announce  her  readiness  to  accept  an  elderly  nigger,  ever  contrive  to 
get  a  first  ?  What  sort  of  a  person  is  she  to  look  at  ?  Probably,  as  the 
well-spoken  young  lady  said  of  the  Gorflla,  very  plain.  Most  likely  she 
is  both  plain  and  also  not  rich ;  for  if  she  were  the  veriest  griffin,  pro- 
vided she  were  well  off,  she  woidd  have  plenty  of  white  suitors  com- 
peting, uninvited,  for  her  hand.  Else,  why  is  it  written  in  the  Common 
Prayer-book  that  "  A  man  may  not  many  his  Grandmother  ?  " 
■  Yet,  as  the  poet  sings,  "  Oh,  who  doth  know  the  bent  of  woman's 
fantasy  ?  "  and  as  the  popular  proverb  more  generally  avers,  "  there  is 
no  accounting  for  tastes ; "  wherefore  it  is  possible  that  the  young 
widow  who,  unlike  the  celebrated  one  that  resided  in  the  neighbourhood 
of  Southwark  Bridge,  has  no  objection  to  a  black  man,  may  be  not  plain 
but  richly  endowed  with  personal  advantages.  On  such  a  doubtful 
point  as  this  it  is  not  possible  for  a  mere  advertisement  to  satisfy  the 
reader.  The  minutest  word  painting  must  fail  to  present  imagination 
with  a  faithful  miniature.  An  interview  between  parties  who  might 
very  likely  be  disgusted  with  each  other  at  first  sight,  is  a  meetmg 
unpleasant  to  venture  on.  Matrimonial  advertisements  should  there- 
fore be  illustrated,  but  then  the  advertisers  would  obtain  more  publicity 
than  they  would  desire,  and  would  afford  greater  amusement  than  they 
would  like  to  give  to  then  friends  and  acquaintance.  Under  these 
circumstances,  an  enterprising  adventurer  might  surely  make  money  by 
setting  up  a  Private  Inquiry  Matrimonial  Agencv  Office,  to  which 
persons  wishing  to  get  married  might  send,  together  with  all  other 
requisite  particulars  of  information  then  photograph  portraits  for 
inspection  by  those  whom  they  might  concern.  The  Office  might  be 
connected  with  a  photographic  establishment,  and  then,  in  the  pro- 
duction of  these  sun-pictures  Phoebus  would  be  invoked  in  aid  of 
Hymen. 

A  correct  likeness,  with  a  statement  of  pecuniary  circumstances  at 
the  back  oi  it,  woidd  be  more  intelligible  than  the  most  accurate  verbal 
description.    The  office  keeper  could  make  it  his  business  to  procure 


the  portraits  of  marriageable  persons  of  both  sexes,  which  might  with 
easebe  clandestinely  obtained  at  the  ordinary  photographic  shops,  in 
order  that  anybody  wanting  a  wife  or  a  husband,  but  knowing  no  one 
that  would  suit  him  or  her,  might  step  in  and  look  them  over,  in  order 
to  select  the  most  eligible,  with  a  view  to  directing  further  attention  to 
the  original.  To  conduct  ulterior  negotiations  would  be  the  business 
of  the  keeper,  proprietor,  and  manager  of  the  Office,  who  might  style 
himself  Matrimonial  Agent  or  Attorney,  and  Hymeneal  Solicitor.  If 
the  idea,  thus  briefly  sketched,  of  a  Private  Inquiry  Matrimonial 
Agency  Office,  should  be  adopted  and  carried  out  by  some  bold  specu- 
lator living  by  his  wits,  and  being  at  his  wits'  end,  its  publication  will 
perhaps  have  proved  the  means  of  making  many  people  happy,  and 
restrained  from  taking  the  fatal  plunge  an  individual  on  the  brink  of  a 
swindle. 


An  Incident  in  a  Country  Town. 

A  Pig-  whom,  running  down  the  street, 

A  Butcher  hotly  did  pursue, 
Bushed  into— what  an  odd  retreat ! 

A  shop  whose  keeper  was  a  Jew. 
And  there  this  Hog  did  stick  and  stay  ; 
They  coidd  not  get  the  Pig  away. 
"How  wonderful  is  Nature's  ways  !  " 

Said  they  who  saw  the  touching  fact ; 
"  The  sense  as  that  there  pig  displays  ! 

No  Christian  couldn't  wiser  act." 


A  Mellifluous  Minister. 

Among  the  ministers  who,  together  with  the  Earl  of  Shaftesbury, 
attended  the  Watts  memorial  soiree  the  other  evening  at  Southampton, 
and  addressed  the  Meeting,  was  the  _  Rev.  W.  Bee,  ol"  Worthing.  The 
hearers  of  a  Bee  buzzing  —  we  will  not  say  humming  —  homage  to 
Dr.  Watts,  should  have  been  irresistibly  impelled  to  had  the  conclusion 
of  his  discourse  by  singing  in  chorus  the  appropriate  lines  beginning  with 
"  How  doth  the  little  busy  bee," 

unless,  as  we  suppose,  little  is  not  an  epithet  applicable  to  Mr.  Bee. 
The  humble  bee  is,  in  fact,  a  bee  of  the  biggest  kind,  the  species 
of  bee  which,  in  the  neighbourhood  of  Southampton,  is  called  a 
dumbledore. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[August  3,  1861. 


THE    MAIL    TRAIN. 

Swell.  " Haw ! — He — ar !     Wliat's-your-Xamc!     What  Time  do  we  Arrive  at  Aberdeen?  " 

Guard  (snappishly).  "7'10." 

Swell  (making  himself  quite  at  home).  "  7'10  ?    Haw  .'—Well  thru,  let  me  Juice  my  Boots,  and  Call  Me  at— Haw— 6' '45." 


PUNCH'S  "MOTHER'S  CATECHISM." 

Designed  for  the  instruction  of  the  rising  generation,  and  corrected  tip  to 

the  latest  authorities. 

Q.  My  child,  come  here,  and  listen  to  me. 

A.  I  come,  dear  Mamma,  but  I  do  not  recognise  the  propriety  of 
you  calling  me  your  child.  I  belong  to  the  State,  to  which  you  are 
responsible  for  my  education. 

Q.  I  admit  that,  my  dear,  and  therefore  I  propose  to  question  you 
upon  some  of  the  branches  of  knowledge.    What  is  History  ? 

A.  A  mass  of  dubious  traditions  coloured  by  individual  prejudices. 

Q.  What,  then,  is  the  use  of  studying  it  ? 

A.  That  we  may  be  able  to  contradict,  by  the  aid  of  one  writer,  any 
statement  sought  to  be  forced  upon  us  by  another. 

Q.  Give  me  some  instances  of  this  contradictory  process. 

A.  With  pleasure,  dearest  Mamma. 

Q.  Have  you,  then,  more  than  one  Mamma?  "Dearest"  implies 
comparison. 

A.  I  admit  the  inaccuracy,  for  which  affection  must  be  my  apology. 

Q.  A  sufficing  one.  We  will  uow  proceed  with  our  lesson.  Why 
was  William  the  Second  called  Rufus? 

A.  Not,  as  ignorantly  believed,  from  the  colour  of  his  hair,  which  is 
known  to  have  been  black,  nor  because  in  his  reign  a  roof  was  put  ou 
Westminster  Hall. 

Q.  How  was  he  killed  ? 

A.  Not  by  Walter  Tyrell,  who  was  never  near  the  part  of  the 
Forest  where  the  king  fell. 

Q.  Has  not  the  story  of  Hichard  tearing  out  the  lion's  heart  long 
beeu  exploded  ? 

A.  Yes,  but  improperly.  Popular  tradition  was  partially  accurate, 
but  _  the  annual  was  a  tiger,  which  had  escaped  from  a  travelling  col- 
lection, and  had  devoured  a  favourite  white  deer  belonging  to  Queen 
Berengaria. 


Q.  Did  John  murder  his  nephew,  Arthur  ? 

A.  No,  they  were  most  affectionately  attached,  and  the  king  had 
sent  Arthur  a  basket  of  nectarines  on  the  day  he  died,  probably  from 
a  i'all  out  of  window. 

Q.  Is  the  celebrated  scene  of  John  signing  the  Great  Charta fictitious? 

A.  Entirely.  The  copies  were  sent  to  his  hotel  in  a  tin  box,  and  he 
affixed  the  signatures  while  being  shaved  by  his  valet.  Marks  of 
lather  are  still  found  on  two  of  them. 

Q.  Was  the  youth  of  Henry  the  Fifth  as  gay  as  has  been  described  ? 

A.  On  the  contrary,  he  was  remarkably  holy  and  austere,  aud  his 
nightly  visits  to  the  hospitals  to  relieve  the  sick,  have  been  perverted 
into  the  revellings  described  in  the  volume  assigned  to  Shakspeare. 

Q.  You  say  "  assigned  " — why  ? 

A.  Because  the  whole  of  the  plays  and  poems  so  long  believed  to 
have  been  Shakspeare's  were  written  by  Lord  Southampton  with 
the  aid.of  Sir  Christopher  Hatton,  and  they  used  as  a  nom  de  plume 
the  name  of  an  obscure  actor. 

Q,.  Did  Queen  Elizabeth  order  the  execution  of  the  Queen  of  Scots  ? 

A.  Mary  was  never  executed  at  all— Elizabeth's  love  for  her 
cousin  forbad  it — a  show  -was  made  to  deceive  the  public  and  discourage 
the  disaffected— and  Mary,  under  the  name  of  Isabel  Fontanges, 
lived  for  many  years  afterwards,  and  died  at  Rouen. 

Q.  Had  James  the  First  an  antipathy  to  the  sight  of  a  sword  ? 

A.  No,  it  is  a  slander.  He  was  a  good_  swordsman,  and  wounded 
the  Chevalier  St.  George  in  a  duel,  in  which  the  king  as  incog. 

Q.  What  was  the  meaning  of  Charles  the  First's  celebrated 
"  Remember  ? " 

A.  He  used  no  such  word.  He  said"  December,"  thereby  predicting 
the  mouth  in  which  Cromwell,  like  himself,  should  appear  at  the  place 
of  execution. 

Q.  Good  child.    Will  you  like  to  go  and  play  ? 

A.  I  thank  you,  dear  Mamma,  for  the  expression  of  your  approbation, 
but  I  would,  with  your  sanction,  prefer  to  devote  an  hour  to  the  study 
of  Mr.  Buckle  on  the  History  of  Civilisation. 

Printed  by  William  Bradbury,  of  No.  13,  Upper  Woburn  Place,  and  Frederick  Mullett  Evans,  of  No.  19,  Queen's  Road  West,  Regent's  Park,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Pancras,  in  the  County  of  Middlesex, 
Printers,  at  their  Office  in  Lombard  Street,  tu  the  Precinct  of  Whitefriars,  U  the  City  of  London,  and  Published  by  them  at  No.  S3,  Fleet  Street,  iu  the  Parish  of  St.  IJride,  in  the  Uty  ot  London. - 
Saturdav,  ingu'.t  3, 1SJ1. 


-ISSUE     OP     PUNCH. 

COMMENCED   IN  MAECH. 
Vols.  I.  to  V.,  in  Boards,  Price  5s.  each,  and  the  Volumes  for  1841  (Price  6s.),  1842,  and  1843,  Price  10s,  6d. 

each,  handsomely  bound  in  Cloth,  Gilt  Edges,  are  published. 


THE  FOREIGN   TOUR   OF  MESSRS.  BROWN. 
JONES,  AND  ROBINSON. 

WHAT  THEY  SAW  AND  DID  IN  BELGIUM,    GERMANY,  SWITZERLAND, 

AND  ITALY.     By  RICHARD  DOYLE. 

A  handsome  4to  Volume,  Cloth,  extra,  Price  21s. 

Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


.E    TOUR 

BEING  A  VISIT  TO  DUBLIN,  GALWAY,  CONNEMARA,  ATHLONE,  LIMERICK, 

KILLARNEY,  GLENGARIFF,   CORK,  &C.      By  AN  OXONIAN. 
With  a  Coloured  Frontispiece,  and  Numerous  Illustrations  on  Wood  by  JOHN  LEECH, 

Price  10*.  6d. 
Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI— August  10,   1861. 


NEW    GUIDES    FOE    1361. 

O.OTTT.H    OI^ENGIAJTD.— 

&2*  KENT  (Canterbury,  Margate,  &c),  3s.  6d. 
SUSSEX  (Hastings,  Lewes,  &c.)  2s.  Si. 
HAMPSHIRE  and  Isle  of  Wight,  2s.  Si. 

II. 

SURREY. 

In  One  neat  Volume,  with  Map,  and    Numerous 

Illustrations,  Price  5'. 

PLACE'S  GUIDE  to  SURREY. 

A*  Including  a  full  description  of  the  His- 
tory, Antiquities,  and  Topography  of  the  County. 

III. 
SCOTLAND. 

Just  Published,  a  New  Edition  (the  15th,  1861). 
Price  8s.  fx/.,  of 

BLACK'S    PICTXJKESGUE 

«W  TOUK1ST  OF  SCOTLAND,  contain- 
ing an  Account  of  all  the  Places  most  worthy  of  being 
Visited,  the  Names  of  the  best  Hotels  and  Inns,  and. 
other  useful  information  :  a  correct  Travelling  Map, 
22  Charts  of  interesting  Localities,  and  4  Plans  of 
Towns.  Illustrated  by  9  Engravings  in  Steel,  and 
1-lJ  Woodcuts. 

Edinburgh:  A.  &  C.  Black,  London:  Smith  &  Sox, 
and  all  Booksellers. 

The  Sixth  thousand,  Price  3s.  6d.,  is  now  ready,  of 

THE  PRACTICAL  ANGLER, 

■**   Or  the  Art  of  Trout-fishing,  more  par- 
ticularly applied  to  Clear  Water.  By  VV.  C.  Stewart. 
Edinburgh:  A.  &  C.  Black  and  all  Booksellers. 


New  and  greatly  improved  Edition,  Prl 


:  3s.  6rf. 


»FHE  POETICAL  LANGUAGE 

■*•   OF  FLOWERS.     By  Thomas  Miller. 
Illustrated  with  Eight  Superbly  Coloured  Plates, 
Cloth,  Extra  gilt,  and  Gilt  edges. 
GniFFiN,  Bohn  K  Co.,  10,  Stationers    Hall  Court, 
E.G.    And  through  ail  Booksellers. 

Price  One  Shilling,  by  Post  13  Stamps. 

ETIQUETTE  FOR  ALL,   OR 

•aj  RULES  OF  CONDUCT  FOR  EVERY 

CIRCUMSTANCE. 

George  WiTsoN,  Glasgow;  W.  Kent  &  Co.,  London. 

HER  MAJESTY'S  VISIT  TO 
IRELAND.  —  Callaghans  Opera, 
Kace  and  Field  Glasses,  matchless  for  power  and 
portability,  may  be  worn  round  the  neck  as  a  double 
eye-glass.  Invaluable  to  the  tourist,  and  for  viewing 
scenery  at  lour  or  five  miles  distance,  are  preferred 
to  the  telescope.  Equally  available  at  the  Opera 
House,  Kaee  Course,  or  Review.  Price  30s.,  45s.,  50s., 
70s.,  and  80s.,  according  to  size  and  power.  May  be 
had  at  Messbs.  Smith  &  Son's  Bookstalls, at' the 
principal  Railway  Stations,  and  in  Ireland  at  Bray, 
The  Curragh,  Killaruey,  Kingston, Limerick,  Mallow, 
Hewhridge,  .and  No.  21,  Lower  Sackville  Street, 
Dublin  :  or  will  be  sent  free  on  remittance  to 
William  Callaghan,  Optician,  23 ',  New  Bond 
Street,  \V„  Corner  of  Conduit  Street,  London. 


'DA.TENT  Indestructible  Mineral  .Teeth, 
and  Flexible  Gums  without  .Palates,  Springs  or 
Wires,  and  without  any  operation.  "One  Set  lasts 
ft  Lifetime,"  and  warranted  for  every  purpose  of  mas- 
tication or  articulation,  even  when  all  others  fail. 
Purest  materials  and  first-class  workmanship  at 
half  the  usual  cost. 
No.  S7,  HARLEY  STREET,    CAVENDISH    SQ., 

andM.LUDGATE  HILL,  LONDON; 

65,  NEW7  STREET,  BIRMINGHAM; 

134,  DUKE   STREET,  LIVERPOOL. 


il,iJ'£ii//j^  ft>  M- 


ROWLANDS'  MACASSAR  OIL,  for  promoting 
the  Growth,  Restoring  and  Beautifying  the  Human 
Hair. 

ROWLANDS'  K.ALYDOR  for  Improving  and 
Beautifying  the  Complexion  and  Skin,  and  Eradi- 
cating Cutaneous  defects. 

ROWLANDS'  ODONTO,  or  Pearl  Dentrifice,  for 
the  Teelh,  Gums,  and  Breath. 

Sold  at  20,  Hatton  Garden,  and  by  Chemists  and 
Perfumers. 

T)R.     HUGO'S     MEDICAL 

&£  ATOMS  purify  the  Blood  and  relieve 
(he  Head,  Heart,  and  Stomach.  Their  action  is 
immediate. 

They  are  small,  and  agreeable  to  the  taste,  so  that 
they  may  be  swallowed  whole,  or  eaten  as  confec- 
tionery. Price  Is.  l^.,'2s.  9rf.,  and  4s.  Gd.  Sold  by 
all  Druggists. 

THE     NEW     LUXURY^ 

THE  NEAPOLITAN  ICE. 

At  ST.  JAMES'S  HALL. 

Wedding  Breakfasts,  Ball  Suppers,  &c,  supplied. 

PARIS  IN  TWELVE~HOIJRS 

>«-  and  a  HALF,  vid  Dieppe,  bv  the  new 
DAILY  TIDAL  SERVICE,  with  Special  Express 
Tidal  Trains  both  on  the  English  and  French  Rail- 
ways. 20a.  Second  Class,  23s.  First  Class.  Return 
Tickets  issued.  Two  departures  daily  (except 
days)  — For   hours  of  departure,  from  London 


■  None  are  superior." — Art  Journal.       "  Theirs  are  the  finest.' 
"  Brilliant  and  full  of  Life." — Athenaeum. 


-Photo  News. 


1-Sth  sine  of  original. 


10    FOU    10.3. 

STEREOSCOPIC    COMPANY, 

54,  CHEAPSIDE  (TWO  DOORS  WEST  BOW  CHURCH). 

Albums,  to  hold  50  Portraits,  10s. 

Just  out,  the  only  Portrait  (Album)  of  the  late  James  Braidwood, 

Is.  hd.  free  by  Post. 

A  Suite  of  Dressing  Rooms,  and  Lady  Attendants. 


UM1TED    STATES    OF   AMERICA. 


KINGSFORD'S 


Eor  Puddings,  Custards,  Plane  Mange,  &e. 
IS  THE  ORIGINAL  ARTICLE— ESTABLISHED  1849. 

The  Oswego  has  a  Delicacy  and  Purity  not  possessed  by  any  of  the  English 

Imitations. 
3ST  Give  it  one  trial,  so  as  to  know  what  the  genuine  American  article  is. 


m"] 


m 


4 


95 


'•K 


REGISTERED  MARCH  30,  1861. 

The  most  useful  sizes  are  fifteen,  sixteen,  seventeen,  and 
eighteen  inches  long,  but  larger  are  made  if  required. 
The  great  merit  ot  this  Bag  is  the  power  of  employing 
every  inch  of  space  with  a  facility  of  access,  ease,  and. 
quickness  of  stowage,  that  experience  has  found  to  be  the 
great  want  in  all  descriptions  previously  manufactured. 
The  following  detail  of  The  18-inch  Bag  at 
i"24  10s.,  will  convey  a  general  idea  of  its  utility  and 
capacity  for  the  accommodation  of  sufficient  attire  for  a 
moderate  journey.  One  half  the  Bag  is  devoted  exclu- 
sively to  the  Writing,  Dressing,  and  Refreshment  con- 
veniences, and  the  other  half  (which  in  the  illustration  is 
shown  lying  down)  is  arranged  for  articles  of  Clothing, 
Books,  Papers,  eic.  This  portion  is  capable  of  holding  a 
complete  Suit  of  Clothes,  six  Shirts,  two  Night  Shirts, 
twelve  Collars,  six  Socks,  Opera  Hat,  twelve  Pocket 
Handkerchiefs,  three  pairs  Drawers,  Neckerchiefs,  Slip- 
jisrs,  Dress  Boots,  Ate.,  &c,  with  capacious  Outside 
Pocket  for  Goloshes,  Books,  Papers,  &c,  I&c.  The  opposite  side  is  completely  fitted,  and 
contains  every  requisite  for  the  Dressing  Case,  Writing  Case,  and  for  Refreshments. 
DRESSING  BAGS  for  Ladies,  from  4  Guineas  to  £150. 

meghi  &  m&zm,, 

4,  LEADENHALL   STREET,  AND  112,  REGENT    STREET,  LONDON. 
CATALOGUES  GRATIS  ON  APPLICATION. 


B.  JOSEPH  &  -Co.'s 

BOYS'   CUHSBOBt  AND 


150,  REGENT  STREET, 
IS  THE  ONLY  HOUSE  OF  THE  KIND  ;IN  LONDON 

Where  Ladies  and  Gentlemen  may  suit  their  Children 
with  every  article  of  dress  in  the  most  recherehJ  style,  and 
at  economical  prices. 

THE  KNICKERBOCKER  JACXBT  -SUIT, 
In  Drill,  12s.  Gd. 

THS  KNICKERBOCKER  JACKET   SUIT, 
In  Tweeds,  from  14s.  6d.  to  24s. 

THE   KNICKERBOCKER    TONIC    SUIT, 
In  Drill,  10s.  Cxi 

THE   -KNICKERBOCKER    TUNIC    SUIT, 
In  Tweeds,  from  12s.  M.  to  21s. 
TO    BE    HAD    ONLY   AT 

B.  JOSEPH  &  Co.'s,  150,  Regent  Street,  London;1 

B.  JOSEPH  &  Co.'s,  78,  Grey  Street,  Hewcastie-on-Tyne; 

B.  JOSEPH  &  Co.'s,  92  and  93,  Queen  Street,  Portsea. 

COUNTRY  ORDERS  MOST  PUNCTUALLY  ATTENDED  TO. 


,.S 
Bridge  and  Victoria,  see  the  ",  Times' 


aily. 


IMPOETANT 


ANNOUNCEMENT. 


METALLIC   PEH   MAKER  TO  THE 

BY  ROYAL  COMMAND, 

JOSEPH    GILLOTT 

J>EGS  most  respectfully  to  inform  the  Commercial  World,  Scholastic  Institutions,  and  the 
public  generally,  that  by  a  novel  application  of  bis  unrivalled  Machinery  fur  making  Steel  Pens,  and  in  accordance 
with  the  scientific  spirit  of  the  times,  he  has  introduced  aiNEW  series  ot  his  useful  productions,  which,  for  excel- 
lence of  temper,  quality  op  material,  and,  above  all,  cheapness  in  price,  he  believes  will  ensure  universal 
approbation,  and  defy  competition.  Each  Pen  bears  the  impress  of  his  name  as  a  guarantee  of  quality;  and  rhey  are 
put  up  in  the  usual  style  of  boxes,  containing  one  gross  each,  with  label  outside,  and  the  fac  simile  of  his  signature. 
At  ihe  request  of  persons  extensively  engaged  ia  tuition,  J.  G.  has  introduced  his  WARRANTED  SCHOOL  AND 
PUBLIC  PENS,  which  are  especially  adapted  to  their  use,  being  of  different  degrees  of  flexibility,  and  with  fine, 
medium,  and  broad  points,  suitable  for  the  various  kinds  of  Writing  taught  in  Schools.  Sold  Re<ail  by  all  Stationers, 
Booksellers,  and  other  respectable  Dealers  in  Steel  Pens.  Merchants  and  Wholesale  Dealers  can  be  supplied  at  the 
Works,  Graham  Street ;  96,  New  Street,  Birmingham; 

No.  91,  JOHN  STREET,  NEW  YORK  ;  and  at  37,  GRACECHURCH  STREET,  LONDON,  E.C. 


CAUTION  TO  INVALIDS. 

In  consequence  of  the  rapid  effects  produced  by 

DR.  DE  JONGH'S 

LIGHT-BROWN  COD  LIVER 
OIL, 

And  the  small  quantities  required  to  be  taken  as 
compared  with  the  Pale  Oil,  some  unscrupulous 
chemists,  with  a  view  to  increased  profit,  endeavour 
to  recommend  or  substitute  other  kinds.  Pur- 
chasers are  earnestly  cautioned  against  proposed 
substitutions. 
Sole  Agents,  Ansau,  Harford  &  Co.,  77,  Strand. 


T    MAPLE   &    Co.'s    FIRST 

*J  °  CLASS  FURNITURE. 

Mahogany  Wing  Wardrobes,  9  guineas;  ditto,  with 
Plate  Glass  Doors,  U  guineas;  ditto,  in  Painted 
Wood,  with  Plate  Glass  Doors,  5$  guineas;  Bed- 
steads of  every  description,  in  vVood,  Iron,  and  Brass, 
fitted  with  Drapery  and  Bedding  complete;  several 
Suites  of  Drawing-room  Furniture,  from  12  to  20 
guineas;  the  Eugenie  Easy  Chair,  2js. ;  Couch  to 
correspond,  S  guineas  ;  manv  Chiffoniers,  with  Plate 
Glass  and  Marble,  from  £b  to  £2b\  Marqueterie 
Cabinets  from  2  guineas;  very  large  ditto,  in  Buhl, 
from  .-£12  to  £'25 ;  Bookcases  from  Ak  guineas; 
Dining  Tables,  both  in  Mahogany  and  Oak,  from  3 
to  3U  guineas. 

J.  Maple  &  Co.,  entrance  145,  Tottenham  Court 
Road,  the  most  convenient  Furnishing  Establish- 
ment in  the  world.  Families  Furnishing  should 
visit  these  Warehouses  before  giving  their  orders; 
it  will  save  them  much  time,  trouble,  and  expense. 
Illustrated  Catalogue  on  application. 
Established  30  years. 


TBIMMEL'S    PA- 

Afc    TENT     PERFUME 
VAPORISER,  an  Elegant  Ap- 
paratus, recommended  by  Dr. 
Lktheby.  and  Dr.  Hassall  for 
diffusing     the     fragrance     of 
flowers,  and  purifying  the  air. 
Price  from  6s. 
Rimmel,  Perfumer. 
5,  Strand,  and  21,  Cornhill. 


mAXVEM    LANDSCAPE 
GLASSES. 
''Best  Binocular  Telescope  yet  invented." — Bell's 
Life. 
"Most  compact,  accurate,  and  powerful."— Field. 
"  We  can  speak  well  of  its  powers.''— Atheneeum. 
"  A  beautifully    finished   Binocular."— Volunteer 
Service  Gazette. 

Price  :3J  and  6  Guineas,  on  receipt  of  money  orders. 
W.  St  J.  Burrow,  Great  Malvern. 

ORDLEY     AND     CO, 

Goldsmiths,  Silversmiths,  &  .Jewellers, 
,&fl,  LORD  STREET,  LIVERPOOL. 
Stock  unsurpassed  for  beauty  of  design,  and  high 
character  of  workmanship. 

:f3EA  BATHLNG  AT  FECAMP. 

W  — Commencement  ot  the  Season  on 
June  1st.  First  Class  Watering-place  which  unites 
the  advantages  of  Lodging-houses,  Chalets,  Taverns, 
accommodation  ;at  table  for  2  0  guests,  a  Casino, 
Balls  and  Concerts,  Reading-rooms, &c.  Hot  Baths, 
■Sea .Baths,  Ordinary  or  Scotch  Shower-baths. 
From  Paris  to  Fecamp,  4  hours  and  three  quarters. 


PHILLIPS  ON,  £  Go's  Sew  Perfume, 

il  LA  DXICHESSE." 

The  most  refreshing  and  tiunbla  of  the  day. 
Price  2s.  6d.  ot"  all  Chemist,  »nd  Vendors  of 
Perfumery , or  by  letter  (enelosu.ff  a  Post  Office 
OrderorStampBitoPHIDLlFSON  AND  CO., 
1,  Budge  How,  St.  Pool's,  Lohpon,  E.C 
The  POMADE, 3j.  8d. | SOAP,  U. |OIL,  ij.6d. 
Perfumery  for  entry  e  Jimate-   Cutalogussfree. 


LONDON  AND  RYDER,  late 

*«*"  Hancock,  Goldsmiths  and  Jewellers, 
17,  New  Bond  Street,  respectfully  invite  the  notice 
of  the  nobility,  &c,  to  their  New  Stock  of  Elegant 
Jewellery.  Every  article  in  the  best  possible  taste, 
and  at  moderate  prices.  A  variety  of  novelties  spe- 
cially adapted  for  Wedding  Souvenirs.  Diamonds 
rearranged,  &c.  17,  New  Bond  Street,  corner  of 
Clifford  Street.    Established  30  Tears. 

fOCKS'S     CELEBRATED 

W  BEADING  SAUCE, 

Which  is  so  hi?blv  esteemed  with  Fish,  Game, 
Steaks,  Soups,  Grills.  Gravies,  Hot  &  Cold  Meats, 
and  unrivalled  for  general  use,  is  Sold  by  the  most 
respectable  Dealers  in  Fish  Sauces. 

C.  Cocks,  Reading,  Sole  Manufacturer. 


August  10,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


53 


ABOVE    BRIDGE    BOAT    AGROUND    OFF    CHiSWICK. 

Gallant  Member  of  the  L.  R.  C.  "  Can  I  put  you  Ashore,  Mum  ?  " 


PUNCH'S  ESSENCE  OF  PARLIAMENT. 

July  2Wi,  Monday.  Lord  Derby— we  should  like  to  hear  what  his 
family  said,  or  looked,  at  his  perseverance  in  wasting  the  fine  weather  in 
London  when  he  might,  just  as  well  have  been  off— took  an  opportunity 
afforded  by  the  Appropriation  of  Seats  Bill  to  make  some  fun  of  the 
Ministers.  He  complimented  them  on  this  little  harmless  Reform  Bill, 
to  which  he  saw  no  objection,  now  that  the  Commons  had  entirely 
altered  it  into  something  else  than  what  Government  had  proposed,  and 
as  soon  as  further  revision  should  have  made  it  "  sense  "  and  "  English," 
he  saw  no  reason  for  opposing  it.  But  it  was  not  all  fun  on  the  part 
of  the  artful  descendant  of  Joan  of  Aldithley.  There  have  been  ru- 
mours that  the  Constable  is  meditating  another  attempt  at  a  Reform 
Act,  and  though  most  people  believe  that  he  is  just  as  likely  to  be  medi- 
tating a  walk  on  the  electric  wire  that  so  horribly  disfigures  the  archi- 
tecture in  the  Strand,  the  Earl  thought  he  would'  try  to  get  the  story 
disavowed.  So  he  declared  that  of  course  he  himself  had  seen  the  folly 
of  promising  Reforms  which  the  country  did  not  ask  for,  and  he  hoped 
it  would  be  understood  that  the  Government  felt  themselves  equally 
exonerated  from  attempts  at  Reform.  Lord  Granville  made  a 
safe  answer,  agreed  with  Lord  Derby  that  people  should  not  intro- 
duce Bills  that  they  had  no  chance  of  carrying,  but  he  would  not  pledge 
himself  to  finality  notions,  as  he  was  inclined  to  occasional  extension  of 
the  suffrage  in  a  "  Conservative  "  way. 

But  perhaps  the  most  amusing  part  of  Lord  Derby's  address  was 
his  allusion  to  the  expected  advent  of  Lord  John— now  Earl- 
Russell.  Lord  Derby  spoke  of  his  old  friend's  elevation  to  the  Lords, 
m  the  spirit  m  which  a  dweller  on  Olympus  might  welcome  the  arrival 
of  a  new  demigod.  Up  here,  said  his  Lordship,  in  this  "quieter, 
calmer  and  he  trusted,  purer  atmosphere,"  the  nobleman  whom  we 
shall  all  delight  to  see,  can  occupy  his  peaceful  hours  in  giving  the  final 
improvements  to  his  old  Reform  Bill.    Here 

"  Where  the  blest  Gods  the  geuial  day  prolong, 
With  feast  ambrosial  and  celestial  song," 

here  John  Russell,  having  shuffled  off  his  mortal  coil,  having,  like 


Christian,  seen  his  burden  of  House  of  Commons  frailties  slide  from 
his  shoulders,  to  be  replaced  by  the  mantle  of  aristocratic  dignity, 
would  be  a  sort  of  beatified  spirit,  walking  in  rapture  among  the  gilded 
fretwork  of  our  Walhalla,  and  bending  kindly  and  unfathomable  eyes 
upon  the  inferior  beings  over  whom  he,  now  far  above  them,  would 
continue  to  watch  with  affectionate  vigilance.  We  never  truly  knew 
before  what  was  comprised  in  Elevation  to  the  Peerage. 

The  blest  Gods,  though  so  great,  deem  nought  beneath  their  care, 
and  proceeded  to  deal  with  Salmon  and  the  Poor,  forwarding  the  Bills 
for  preventing  the  improper  removal  of  both. 

Let  us  descend  to  Earth,  and  observe  that  though  Government  had 
three  times  written  to  the  Ryde  Magistrates  to  know  why  they  had 
committed  one  Carter  for  three  weeks,  for  sleeping  under  a  tree,  no 
answer  had  been  sent.  The  worthy  magnates  were  busily  trying  to 
find  out  something  else  against  Carter  that  should  justify  a  retro- 
spective sentence,  and  late  in  the  week  they  wrote  to  say  that  he  had 
frightened  two  women  by  jumping  into  the  road  near  them.  Sir  G. 
Lewis  did  not  think  that  even  this  horrible  crime  deserved  all  the  ven- 
geance that  had  been  inflicted,  and  ordered  that  the  ferocious  slumberer 
and  jumper  should  be  released.  Lord  Palmerston  said  enough  on  the 
Galway  business  to  make  it  quite  clear  that  a  certain  pleasant  compro- 
mise long  ago  expounded  by  the  keen-sighted  Punch,  will  be  carried  out 
with  due  decorum.  Then  came  the  ever  welcome  Appropriation  Bill, 
the  ratification  of  the  finance  work  of  the  Session.  Vulgar  and  ill-bred 
people  (and  Ladies  are  the  chief  offenders  in  this  respect)  rise  up  about 
three  minutes  before  the  fall  of  the  curtain  at  play  or  opera,  and  insult 
the  artists  and  annoy  better  behaved  spectators  by  moving  away,  in 
order  to  be  early  in  the  scramble  for  carriages.  When  the  Commons 
arrive  at  the  Appropriation  Bill,  a  similar  bolt  is  generally  made,  but 
it  is  not  offensive,  because  it  annoys  nobody.  However,  Lord  Robert 
Montagu  wished  to  linger  over  this  formal  Bill,  and  even  opposed  its 
passing ;  but  after  a  short  discussion,  in  which  Lord  Palmerston 
administered  some  parting  slashes  at  "  independent  "  Members  who  had 
wasted  the  time  of  the  House  by  their  interference  with  the  estimates, 
the  Bill  was  read  a  Second  Time,  and  now  we  see  the  end  of  the 
Session. 

British  subjects  abroad  will  be  able  to  make  Wills  with  some  chance 


vol.  xii. 


54 


PUNCH,    Oil   THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI, 


[August  10,  1861. 


of  their  proving  valid,  a  fact  which  may  be  interesting  to  the  thousands 
who  are  now  letting  their  moustaches  grow,  and  are  practising  French 
conversation  with  their  unoffending  little  girls.  Paterfamilias  at 
Boulogne  may  now  say,  without  utter  fatuity,  "  Garsong,  je  view  /aire 
mon—mon  Volunte,  apportez-moi  une, — you  know— une  lawyer— une 
solliciteur." 

That  Naval  Reserve  question  came  up  again.  The  object  of  the 
Government  is  to  give  the  country,  in  case  of  a  war,  the  benefit  of  the 
services  of  the  officers  of  the  Merchant  Service.  There  was,  of  course, 
some  topposition  in  the  alleged  interest  of  the  Queen's  service,  but  the 
House  felt  that  the  proposed  gain  was  too  great  to  be  thrown  away  for 
the  sake  of  pleasing  anybody. 

Tuesday.  Soon  after  four  o'clock,  an  organ  outside  the  House  of 
Lords  struck  up  "Saw  ye  Johnny  Coming?' 'and  in  a  few  minutes 
Viscount  Ambebley,  of  .Amberley,  in 'the  County  of  Gloucester,  and 
of  Ardsalla,  in  the  county  of  Meath,  and  Eabl  Russell,  of  Kingston- 
Russell,  in  the  County  of  Dorset,  entered  the  House.  He  was  intro- 
duced by  Eabl  Granville  and  .the  Eabl  of  Strafford.  He  was  duly 
walked  round  the  Mouse,  pausing. at  different  points,  like  a  soul  going 
through  ;the  stars, 

":Refining  gradual  tortus  final  height. 

And  purging  off  some  dross  at  every  sphere. " 

and  having  taken  his  Oaths,  he  became  one  of  the  Celestials.  By  a 
curious  coincidence,  the  clock  that  had  just  struck  four  marked  the; 
close  of  the  contest  that  filled -up  his  abandoned  seat  for  the  City  with 
Mb.  Western  Wood,  who  had  defeated  the  Lord  Mayor  by  5747 
votes  to  5241.  By  another  curious  coincidence,  on  the  day  that  saw 
John  Russell  a  peer,  we  read  that  a  new  Pure  oe  Buckingham: 
had  succeeded  to  :the  title  previously  borne  by  the  only  personage  who 
made  a  permanent  mark  upon  Lobd  John's  Reform  Act,  having  inserted! 
the  Chandos  clause. 

Neither  Lords  nor  Commons  were  inclined  to  sic.  The  Nether. 
House  heard  a  short  speech  from  the  Constable  about  Hungary,  the1 
points  whereof  were  that  he  was  vigilantly  watching  events,  that  he 
should  consider  it  a  great  misfortune  if  the  Austrian  empire  was  dis- 
membered, that  he  hoped  for  the  best,  and  meant  to  be  as  strictly 
neutral  in  the  Austrian  as  in  the  American  quarrel.  Mr.  Hennessy, 
for  want  of  anything  better  to  do,  tried  to  procure  a  side-wind  repeal  of 
the  Ecclesiastical  Titles  Act.  Certain  of  the  Papists  will  not  see  that 
it  is  not  because  the  Act  is  not  enforced  that  England  is  a  bit  more 
inclined  to  recognise  the  ridiculous  insolence  that  made  it  politic,  but 
that  having  given  a  very  strong  hint,  she  can  afford  to  let  blatant 
ecclesiastics  ticket  themselves  with  any  foolish  title  they  like.    The 


attempt  to  repeal  the  Act,  was  instantly  put  down  by  a  majority  of  69 
to  4,  another  liint  that  may  as  well  be  taken.  It  was  backed  up  on 
another  evening  by  Lord  Palmerston's  express  declaration,  that  he 
had.  no  idea  of  repealing  the  Act,  and  also  that  he  should  know  what  to 
do  if  any  special  case  arose. 

Wednesday,  It  was  revealed  to  the  world,  by  the  mouth  of  Mr. 
Cowper,  that  the  Government  intend  to  act  upon  the  Report  of  the 
Thames  Embankment  Commissioners.  These  gentlemen  mean  to  make 
a  roadway  of  one  hundred  feet  wide  from  Westminster  to  the  Temple, 
and  then  to  carry  a  somewhat  narrower  viaduct  to  Blackfriars  Bridge 
(of  course  the  splendid  new  one  which  Mr.  Page  is  going  to  build), 
and  then  a  new  street  is  to  be  opened  to  the  Mansion  House.  And 
next  year,  if  the  life  of  the  Government  should  be  spared,  Mr.  Cowper 
will  propose  a  Bill  for  entrusting  to  Mr.  Thwaites  and  his  Parliament 
the  task  of  carrying  out  this  scheme.  Mr.  Punch  proposes  to  wait  and 
see  what  becomes  of  the  Administration,  before  entering  into  the 
details  of  then  programme  for  the  1862  Session. 

The  Commons,  rather  than  lose  the  Bankruptcy  Bill  altogether, 
assent  to  the  Lords'  mutilations.  This  Bill  passes,  and  next  year,  or 
as  soon  as  delicacy  will  permit,  Lord  Westbury  will  signify  to  the 
Peers  that  the  time  has  come  when  an  opportunity  offers  itself  for  the 
correction  of  an  ignorant  blunder,  which  he  feels  sure  then  Lordships 
must  deplore,  and  for  the  creation  of  a  Chief  Judge. 

_  Having  passed  a  Bill  for  letting  Volunteers  go  toll-free  through 
pikes,  the  House  rose,_  and  the  Government  went  to  eat  Whitebait  at 
Greenwich.  The  Police  have  made  no  unfavourable  report  to  Mr. 
Punch,  though  as  Earl  Russell  had  to  wet  his  coronet,  some  extra 
joviality  might  have  been  expected. 

Thursday.  The  Celestials  did  routine  business,  La  Peine  le  vent  being- 
said  over  several  tons  of  parchment. 

The  Nether  House  rose  before  Six,  the  only  noticeable  matter  being 
a  speech  from  the  Constable,  justifying  the  building  of  our  war-ships, 
and  ridiculing  the  idea  of  a  compact  with  other  countries  for  the 
general  reduction  of  armaments.  Yes,  Mr.  C.  Bentinck  wants  those 
ridiculous  iron  cages  taken  off  the  Monument  and  the  York  Column. 
Mr.  Cowper  said  that  they  were  great  disfigurements.  He  mentioned 
that  the  trustees  of  the  York  Column  had  put  up  their  cage  because  a 
musician  had  jumped  off  the  Monument,  a  reason  winch,  considering 
the  character  of  a  great  deal  of  the  music  of  the  day,  may  not  seem 
extraordinarily  strong. 

Eor  a  reason  which  may  be  ascertained  by  enclosing  a  stamped 
envelope,  and  a  £10  note,  to  85,  Eleet  Street,  Mr.  Punch  knocks  Friday's 
Parliament  into  the  middle  of  next  week. 


CIPLE. 

hebe  there's  a  Will 
there's  a  Way,  and 
where,  there 's  a 
Deed  there's  a  Way 
to  turn  if.  to  ac- 
count. The  second 
limb  of  this  propo- 
sition has  just  been 
brought  under  Mr. 
Punch's  notice,  and 
the  Lord  Mayor's, 
through  the  eccen- 
tricity of  a  limb  of 
the  law.  Prelimi- 
nary justice  has 
been  obtained  at  the 
Mansion  House 
under  the  following 
circumstances : — 

"  James  Cornwall  and  Judah  Davis  were  brought  before  the  Lord  Mayor  on  Saturday,  the 
former  charged  with  stealing  a  quantity  of  title-deeds,  the  property  of  a  solicitor,  and  the  latter 
with  receiving  the  same  well  knowing  them  to  have  been  stolen." 

Master  Cornwall  is,  or  we  presume  was,  a  clerk  iii  the  .  office  of  a  solicitor. 
He  is1  about  sixteen  years  of  age.  Mr.  Judah  Davis  is,  possibly,  a  Hebrew, 
and,  certainly,  a  member  of  that  invaluable  association  for  the  encouragement  of 
virtue,  the  Marine-Store-Dealing  connection.  To  Judah,  Master  Cornwall 
takes  loads  of  parchments,  to  which  he  helps  himself  out  of  the  office  of  Mr. 
Wilkinson  his  master,  and  it  seems  that  about  500  title-deeds  are  missing. 
Judah  purchases  these  valuable  articles  by  the  pound,  but,  being  compelled  by  the 
tyrannous  laws  of  the  country  to  make  an  entry  of  the  names  of  persons'  who 
sell  property  to  him,  writes  down  these  documents  as  bought  of  "'Mr.  Harri- 
son," a  name  that  sounds,  of  course,  so  like  "Cornwall"  that  a  mistake  was 
easy.     Judah  states  that  he  speedily  parted  with  the  parchment,  but— 

' '  Said  he  did  not  know  where  any  of  it  was,  for  he  had  sold  them  to  a  man  who  was  a. stranger 
to  .him.     He  then  demanded  why  he  was  asked  all  those  questions,  and  when  told  that  it  was 


for  the  purpose  of  recovering  the  deeds,  he  said  that  he  would  not 
answer  any  more  questions,  for  he  was  not  goiug  to  criminate  himself 
for  anybody." 

"  Criminate  himself."  What  can  have  put  such  an  idea 
into  the  innocent  mind  of  a  Marine-Store-Keeper.  Surely 
the  purity  of  his  soul  must  have  been  tarnished  by  associa- 
tion with  evil  little  boys,  who  have  sought  to  tempt  him 
to  err.  Ealse  and  cruel  little  boys,  perhaps,  like  Master 
Cornwall, 

"  Who  was  standing  by  during  the  conversation,  and  said  that  what 
Davis  had  said  about  the  parchment  was  not  true.  He  would  tell 
how  it  was.  About  three  weeks  back  he  took  some  old  law  books 
to  Davis  to  sell,  and  he  asked  him  if  he  was  not  in  a  lawyer's  office  ; 
and  on  his  replying  that  he  was,  he  asked  him  if  he  could  get  some 
old  parchment  deeds.  He  said  he  thought  he  could,  and  Davis  said 
if  he  took  him  some  he  would  give  him  a  capital  price  for  thorn — four- 
pence  a  pound.  He  accordingly  took  some  deeds  to  him,  and  he  only 
gave  him  threepence  instead  of  fourpence,  as  he  had  promised,  and 
on  another  occasion  he  had  only  given  him  twopence,  and  never 
tenpence,  as  entered  in  the  book." 

This  is  very  sad,  and  it  is  indeed  most  unjust  that  a 
respectable  tradesman  should  have  to  hear  such  things  said 
of  him,  without  rebuke  from  the.  bench  of  justice.  The 
Lord  Mayor  must  have  been  too  much  shocked  at  such 
depravity  and  ingratitude  on  the  part  of  the  boy  to  ex- 
press his  own  feelings — at  all  events  his  Lordship  is  not 
reported  to  have  uttered  any  indignation.  He  remanded 
the  unfeeling  lad,  and  for  fear  lest  the  warm  and  benevolent 
heart  of  Mb.  Judah  Davis  should  be  so  softened  as  to  in- 
duce him  to  abstain  from  appearing  on  a  future  day,  and 
aiding  in  the  next  examination  into  the  actions  of  the  evil 
boy,  the  Lord  Mayor  actually  remanded  Judah  Davis 
himself,  who,  for  Ms  unsuspecting  kindness  and  generous 
hberahty  to  a  young  Christian  in  need,  is  treated  as  a 
culprit,  and  had  to  find^  two  sureties  in  £50  each,  besides 
being  himself  bound  in  a  £100  penalty  against  disap- 
pearance. The  Mayor  acted  as  he  thought  best,  but  it  is 
hard,  hard  measure  to  deal  out  to  an  innocent  Marine- 
Store-Keeper. 

But  the  story,  so  far  as  it  concerns  Judah  and  the  boy,  is 


August  10,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


55 


not  so  interesting  to  the  respectable  public  as  another  consideration.  It 
has  been  attempted,  many  times,  by  people  who  call  themselves  Reformers, 
to  estabbsh  a  General  Registry  of  Deeds.  If  all  deeds  were  recorded 
in  a  public  office,  the  title  to  property  would  not  be  put  into  jeopardy 
by  the  unbidden  kindness  of  all  the  Marine-Store-Keepers  in  England, 
and  brats  might  plunder  then  masters  without  plunging  their  masters' 
clients  into  peril  of  ruin,  or  of  ruinous  expense  to  replace  missing 
testimony  to  ownership.  But  the  attorneys,  who  are  all  powerful  over 
the  House  of  Commons,  especially  over  the  country  gentlemen,  have 
always  defeated  the  plan  for  a  Registry,  and  will  continue  to  defeat  any 
such  new-fangled  device.  The  country  gentlemen  and  others  who  have 
title-deeds  in  the  hands  of  their  lawyers  must  therefore  submit  to 
attorneyism  and  fate.  Let  them,  however,  know  what  their  case  is. 
Any  evil  boy  who  happens  to  be  in  an  attorney's  office  can  imitate 
Master  Cornwall,  and  there  are  many  kind  and  generous  creatures, 
thank  Providence,  who  are  ready  to  imitate  Judah  Davis.  Any  sharp 
boy  who  can  find  out  where  the  keys  of  the  tin-boxes,  or  of  the  "  safe" 
are  kept,  (and  what  will  not  a  sharp  boy  find  out)  can  profit  by  the 
example  of  Master  Cornwall,  and  even  if  he  cannot  go  to  the  noble 
extent  of  taking  500  deeds,  he  may  take  quite  enough  to  make  a  large 
number  of  clients  uncommonly  comfortable.  He  should  not  take  all  the 
deeds  from  a  box,  but  by  substituting  a  large  substratum  of  old  news- 
papers, covering  these  with  a  deed  or  two,  he  may  long  protract  a  close 
examination.  At  any  rate  he  may  make  a  very  good  haul,  and  when 
an  estate  has  to  be  sold,  or  to  be  defended,  its  alleged  owner  will  find 
out  how  sound  was  the  discretion  and  how  pure  the  philanthropy  of  the 
amiable  Interest  that  refuses  to  let  verified  copies  of  documents  be 
deposited  in  a  General  Ptegistry.  The  good  works  of  Judah  Davis 
may  have  a  happy  influence  long  after  Master  Cornwall  is  discharged 
from  the  incarceration  that  seems  in  store  for  him,  and  let  this  thought 
be  a  comfort  to  the  kindly  old  Judah,  under  the  unmerited  persecution 
to  which  his  soft  heart  and  unsuspicious  innocence  have  exposed  that 
worthy  man. 


SERVANTS 


ID    THEIR    SCHOOLING. 


It  is  not  long  since  Mr.  Punch  called  attention  to  the  fact  that  good 
servants  are  becoming  sadly  scarce  among  us,  and  that  at  least  a  part 
of  this  deficiency  is  owing  to  the  want  of  proper  schools,  where  girls 
might  be  instructed  in  the  course  of  household  duties  they  are  hired  to 
discharge.  The  knowledge  of  good  cookery  no  more  comes  by  instinct 
than  the  knowledge  of  geography ;  and  it  is  quite  as  much  an  essential 
to  a  girl  in  humble  life  to  learn  how  to  make  a  shirt  and  boil  a  pudding 
or  potato,  as  to  know  where  is  Kamtschatka,  or  what's  the  capital  of 
Greece..  The  use  of  the  telescope  may  be  all  very  well,  but  the  use  of 
the  rolling-pin,  where  servants  are  the  students,  is  certainly  far  better; 
and  however  advantageous  Arts  and  Sciences  may  be  to  them,  what 
they  chiefly  need  to  learn  is  good  plain  needlework  and  cooking.  If 
they  be  taught  to  read  and  write,  and  properly  to  keep  accounts,  they 
will  know  as  much,  or  more,  than  very  many  of  their  masters ;  and 
they  will  make  then  homes  far  happier  by  quick  and  tidy  hands,  than 
by  heads  which  have  been  stuffed  with  knowledge  that  is  useless  to 
them. 

In  this  age  of  mental  progress  and  development  of  intellect,  opinions 
such  as  these  may  be  sneered  at  and  abused,  as  being  behind  the  time, 
and  Toryish  and  retrogressive.  But  that,  with  all  our  bragging  about 
national  advancement  and  education  of  the  masses,  our  poor  children 
receive  a  most  imperfect  sort  of  schooling,  there  is  ample  evidence  at 
hand  to  furnish  proof.  Let  any  reader  with  a  taste  for  wading  through 
a  blue  book,  spend  an  hour  or  two  in  hunting  for  the  Minutes  of  the 
Council  of  Government  Education,  and  he  will  find  a  clergyman  attest- 
ing to  these  facts : — 

"  For -want  of  good  schools  for  girls,  three  out  of  four  of  the  girls  in  my  district 
are  sent  to  miserable  private  schools,  where  they  have  no  religious  instruction,  no 
discipline,  no  industrial  training;  they  are  humoured  in  every  sort  of  conceit,  are 
called  '  Miss  Smith'  and  '  Miss  Brown,'  and  go  into  service  at  fourteen  or  fifteen, 
skilled  in  crochet  and  worsted  work,  but  unable  to  darn  a  hole  or  cut  out  a  frock, 
hating  household  work,  and  longing  to  be  milliners  or  lady's-maids.  While  this  is 
education,  no  wonder  that  people  cry  out  that  education  is  ruining  our  servants,  and 
doing  more  harm  than  good." 

No  wonder,  indeed  !  and  Mr.  Punch  conceives  that  nobody  possessed 
of  any  brains  would  take  into  his  kitchen  a  girl  who  had  learned  nothing 
but  worsted  work  and  crochet,  and  whom,  when  at  school,  her  mistress 
had  called  "Miss."  This  "hating  household  work,"  and  "longing  to 
be  milliners,"55  is  productive  of  more  social  evil  every  year ;  and  Mr. 
Punch  holds  that  a  father  who  allows  his  girls  to  get  such  nonsense 
into  then  heads,  is  clearly  culpable  for  all  the  harm  it  may  bring 
forth. 

Further  evidence  of  moment  is  furnished  in  these  Minutes,  as  the 
following  will  show  : — 

"At  a  school  attended  by  girls  who  will  for  the  most  part  go  to  service,  it  was 
observed  that  of  150  girls,  scarcely  one  had  a  pocket-handkerchief,  while  there  was 
scarcely  one  who  had  not  a  hoop.  Crinoline  being  beyond  their  means,  a  stout  hoop 
was  worn,  with  an  enormous  amount  of  petticoat,  while  the  indispensable  pocket- 
handkerchief  was  absent." 


Crinoline  v.  Cleanliness— that  was  here  the  trial,  and  it  does  not 
much  surprise  one  to  discover  the  result.  With  girls  whose  heads 
were  full  of  Berlin  wool  and  crochet  cotton,  and  who,  like  the  others, 
doubtless,  were  at  school  called  "  Miss,"  of  course  the  wish  would  come 
to  be  miss-taken  for  young  ladies,  and  crinoline  would  help  to  consum- 
mate  this  wish.  It  is  true  that  pocket-handkerchiefs  are  much  more 
needful  articles  than  fashionable  petticoats ;  but  then  they  can't  be 
flourished  in  everybody's  face,  and  as  "  Miss  Smith  "  had  not  means 
to  indulge  in  both  the  luxuries,  she  gave  up  cleanliness  and  comfort  for 
finery  and  filth. 


<^-V'  i  n 


"  UN  SUJET  NOIR." 

We  read  that  the  new  system  of  ventilation,  patented  by  Mr.  Cooke, 
"  consists  in  a  fine  adaptation  of  wire-gauze  to  open  windows,  so  that 
the  air  is  allowed  to  steal  gently  in  and  out,  while  violent  draughts,  and 
those  enemies  to  ventilation,  the  blacks,  are.  carefully  excluded."  The 
latter  qualification  should  recommend  it  for  universal  use  in  America. 
By  "  carefully  excluding  the  blacks,"  it  would  be  the  very  instrument 
for  ventilating  the  question  of  slavery,  and  moreover  would  help  to  allay 
that  feverish  warmth  of  feeling  that  is  at  present  raging  between  the 
North  and  the  South.  By  the  way,  we  see  in  the  above  description 
that  the  blacks  are  denounced  as  "enemies  to  ventilation."  True 
enough,  many  a  courageous .  fellow  has  fallen  a  victim  to  the  Lynch 
Law,  by  espousing  the  cause  of  "the  blacks,"  and  so,  we  suppose,  has 
experienced,  from  losing  his  life,  the  very  greatest  difficulty  in  breathing. 
If  Mr.  Cooke's  patent  will  remedy  this  stoppage  in  the  continuous 
supply  of  air,  we  must  say  that  it  will  not  only  effect  wonders  with  a 
large  class  of  persons  who  cannot  open  their  mouths  on  the  question  of 
slavery  without  immediately  getting  black  in  the  face,  but  will,  also, 
contribute  largely  to  the  cause  of  civilisation  by  tendmg  materially  to 
the  prolongation  of  life. 


The  Right  Man  in  the  Sight  Place. 

The  Lord  Mayor  should  not  be  surprised  at  the  success  of  Ms. 
rival.  As  a  builder,  he  ought  to  have  known  that  in  the  nature  of 
things  it  cotdd  not  well  be  otherwise.  Where  would  one  expect  to  find 
Wood,  pray,  but  at  the  head  of  the  poll  ? 


VERY  SHOOTABLE. 

A  New  Journal  is  announced,  to  be  entitled  The  Quiver.  We  under- 
stand that  a  leading  feature  in  it  will  be  an  'arrowing  tale  called  The 
Beau. 


56 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[August  10,  18G1. 


<^   ll/l 


now  we  dare  sat  you  wondee  what  the  deuce  this  means.  the  fact  is,  that  smith 
and  tomkins  have  got  a  place  in  scotland  this  year,  and  they  are  doing  all  they 
possibly  can  to  accustom  themselves  to  dizzy  mountain  heights,  and  to  get  their 
Faces  and  Legs  the  proper  Tone  for  the  North. 


RATIONAL    MONUMENTS. 

There  is  perhaps  no  donation  that  a  wise  man  grudges  so  much  as  that  of  a  guinea  or  more 
towards  a  monument  to  the  memory  of  anybody ;  that  monument  being  a  statue.  If  the  person 
for  whom  the  testimonial  is  intended  was  your  personal  friend,  you  experience,  besides  the 
annoyance  of  having  to  pay  money  for  no  good,  the  dissatisfaction  of  seeing  some  one  who  was 
dear  to  you  perennially  caricatured  in  brass  or  marble.  One  would  not,  however,  mind  sub- 
scribing as  much  as  one  could  afford  to  the  erection  of  such  a  testimonial  to  a  departed  friend  as 
that  which  is  indicated  in  the  subjoined  newspaper  paragraph : — 

"  Winchester  College. — A  Committee,  consisting  of  Vi?count  Eversley,  Vice-chancellor  Sir  W.  Page 
Wood,  Sir  William  Heathgote,  Bart.,  M.P.,  Sir  J.  W.  Awdry,  Bart.,  Mr.  Sclater  Booth,  M.P.,  and  other  gen- 
tlemen, have  reported  upon  the  best  form  of  testimonial  to  be  raised  to  the  memory  of  the  late  Wardens  of 
Winchester  College.  They  recommend  the  restoration  of  the  tower  of  the  College  to  be  called  "The  Tower  of  the 
Two  Wardens.'  " 


We  cannot  make  a  statue  amongst  us,  do 
what  we  will;  but  we  can  contrive  to  raise  a 
tower,  or  even  an  entire  building,  of  inoffen- 
sive appearance.  Bearing  this  peculiarity  of 
national  genius  in  mind,  let  us  consult  it  in 
erecting  all  the  monuments  which  our  grati- 
tude may  award  to  deservers.  Has  the  hero 
whom  we  would  honour  with  a  statue,  if 
we  could  make  one,  fought  his  country's 
battles  ? — build  him  a  barrack,  or  a  fort,  and 
call  it  after  him.  Has  he  been  an  emment 
divine  ? — erect  a  church  to  his  memory.  A 
great  judge  in  civil  or  criminal  law  ? — assign 
him  a  new  assize-court  or  gaol.  Let  the  name 
of  an  engineer  be  perpetuated  by  a  railway 
terminus  or  a  bridge,  and  that  of  an  illustrious 
physician  or  surgeon  by  a  hospital,  or  connect 
it  with  a  cemetery.  Thus  honour  to  the  dead 
is  combined  with  advantage  to  the  living, 
and,  as  in  the  case  of  the  Tower  of  the  Two 
Wardens,  two  birds  are  killed  with  one  stone. 


BETWEEN  ANDOVER  AND  LONDON. 

Oh !  little  do  you  know 
Lord  Mayor  Cubitt's  grief  and  woe  ; 
He  sold  his  old  coat  off  his  back  in  finer  trim 
to  go. 

But  the  new  clothes  wouldn't  fit, 
In  such  wise  that  lie  might  sit : 
He  has  lost  a  lot  of  money  and  displayed  a 
lack  of  wit. 

And  there  goes  my  Lord  Mayor., 
With  his  Lordship's  shoulders  bare, 
Without  a  seat  to  sit  upon  except  his  Civic 
Chair. 

Since  Andover  's  resigned, 
And  London  proved  unkind, 
The  Lord  Mayor  now  has  nothing  to  f;  11 
back  upon  behind. 

Dejected  in  his  mien ; 
He  feels  the  unforeseen 
HI  consequence  of  an  attempt  to  sit  two  stools 
between. 

He  makes,  by  substance  thrown 
Away  for  shadow,  known 
The  lesson  that  a  man  should  be  contented 
with  his  owu. 

So  now  then  let  us  sing- 
Long  live  the  City  King ; 
And  may  experience  to  his  youth  increase  of 
wisdom  bring  ! 


A  Woman  to  be  Envied. 

The  wife  of  a  poor  Curate  writes  sigh' 
ingly  as  follows  :  "  I  see  that  the  Sultan  is 
always  appearing  in  public  with  _  a  new  Hatt. 
I  wonder  if  the  Sultana  exercises  the  same 
privdege,  and  can  come  out  as  often  as  she 
likes  with  a  new  Bonnet  ?  " 


advice  that  never  will  be  followed  ! 
A  Woman  should  never  marry.  Previous 
to  marriage,  she  is  an  Angel ;  whereas  after 
marriage,  she  is  nothing  more  than  a  Woman ! 
— One  who  admires  Women  far  too  generally 
ever  to  give  a  selfish  preference  to  One. 


clerical  errors. 


It  is  said  that  the  Clerks  at  the  Foreign 
Office  are  at  present  tolerably  good,  and  up 
to  the  mark.  We  all  know  that  in  Lord 
Maxmesbury's  time  they  were  scarcely 
pass-able.        

Style  ! — What  every  coxcomb  fancies  he 
has  attached  to  his  gait. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— August  10,  1861. 


A  LORD  MARE'S   NEST! 


August  10,  1861. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


«Q 


ART    IM    PARLIAMENT. 

"  Ars  est  celare  artem  "  is  an  old  proverb,  and  Sir  G.  Bowyer,  that 
eminent  Royalist,  Cavalier,  and  first  trombone  of  the  Pope's  Brass 
Band,  is  of  opinion  that  the  best  way  to  "  hide  the  Art "  of  the  New 
Houses  of  Parliament  would  be  to  apply  to  it  a  good  coat  of  whitewash. 
Sik  G.  Bowyer  is  a  man  of  such  remarkably  strong  sense— his  opinions 
on  questions  of  public  duty  and  statesmanship  are  so  sound  and  com- 
prehensive, his  views  of  government,  education,  civil  and  ecclesiastical 
policy,  are  so  sagacious  and  so  eminently  English— that  one  naturally 
listens  with  great  respect  to  what  he  has  to  say  on  Art  as  employed  in 
the  House  of  Commons. 

Sir  G.  Bowyer  thinks  that  the  idea  of  promoting  the  Pine  Arts  by 
spending  the  public  money  on  frescoes,  statues,  and  pictures,  is  quite 
fallacious— and  he  proves  it  with  that  admirable  logic  which  peculiarly 
belongs  to  him.  His  reason  for  the  conclusion  he  has  come  to  is,  that 
though  portrait-painting  was  the  branch  of  the  Art  which  received  most 
encouragement  in  England,  we  have  now  no  portrait-painter  equal  to 
Sir  Joshua  Reynolds  or  Sir  Thomas  Lawrence.  We  were  not 
aware  before  that  Sir  Joshua  or  Sir  Thomas  were  paid  out  of  the 
public  purse,  but  we  are  glad  to  live  and  learn  at  the  feet  of  such  a 
Gamaliel  as  Sir  G.  Bowter. 

Bowyer  then  shoots  his  flight  at  the  frescoes.  Poor  frescoes !— It 
was  said  they  were  coming  off  the  walls— it  would  be  well  if  they  did. 
One  of  them  represents  a  brutal  insult  offered  to  the  remains  of 
Charles  the  First  by  a  Roundhead  soldier,  thus  giving  extreme 
offence  to  Sir  George  Bowyer  "as  a  Royalist  and  Cavalier." 
These  are  new  characters  for  this  versatile  civilian.  We  have  long 
pleased  ourselves  with  imagining  him  in  the  chain  mail  and  red-crossed 
surcoat  of  a  Knight  of  St.  John ;  and  now  for  a  while  we  may  picture 
him  to  ourselves  in  the  Vandyke  doublet  and  falling  collar  of  the 
Caroline  age.  Why  shoidd  not  Sir  George  offer  himself  to  the  House 
-as  a  model  for  the  central  figure  of  a  series  of  historical  designs  to 
take  the  place  of  the  subjects  fixed  by  the  Pine  Art  Commissioners  ? 
We  might  begin  with  Bowyer  as  an  Ancient  Briton,  in  his  woad  and 

tatoo-marks,  as 

"  Wild  in  woods  the  noble  savage  ran." 

Then  we  might  have  Bowyer  as  a  Saxon  captive  in  the  Roman  slave- 
market, — " non  Anglus  sed  Angelus," — with  St.  Augustine  in  raptures 
over  his  combined  innocence  and  beauty ; — then  Bowyer  as  a  Crusader, 
in  his  habit  of  the  Order  of  St.  John,_  drawing  the  teeth  of  an  unbe- 
lieving Jew,  till  he  comes  down  with  his  unhallowed  dust  for  the  good 
of  Mother  Church  Militant; — then  Bowyer  as  at  once  Papal  Legate 
and  Royalist,  upholding  John  against  his  rebellious  Barons  at  Runny- 
mede ;— then  Bowyer  as  an  ecclesiastical  lawyer,  by  the  Smithfield 
faggots,  sniffing  a  roasting  heretic,  temp.  Marine  Sangu'molenim  ; — 
then  Bowyer  as  a  Jesuit  Seminarist,  giving  a  dagger,  with  his  blessing, 
to  a  Romanist  conspirator,  in  the _  days  of  good  Queen  Bess  ;— then 
Bowyer  as  a  pillar  of  the  Old  Faith,  settling  the  details  of  his  coup 
d'etat  -with  the  much  maligned  Guy  Fawkes  ;_ — then  Bowyer  as  a 
Cavalier  in  love-locks,  and  a  point-lace  band  falling  over  his  buff  coat, 
backing  up  that  blessed  martyr  Charles  in  his  seizure  of  the  Five 
Members  ■ — then  Bowyer  as  a  pious  Page  at  Whitehall,  carrying  the 
historical  warming-pan  into  the  bed-room  of  Mary  of  Modena,  or 
kissing  the  hand  of  James  the  Second  which  has  just  flung  the  Great 
Seal  of  England  into  the  Thames;— then  Bowyer  as  a  faithful  adherent 
of  Charles  Edward,  in  full  retreat  from  Derby,  or  grinning  through 
a  hempen  collar  at  Tyburn ; — and  lastly,  Bowyer  kissing  Pio  Nono's 
toe,  and  invested  with  the  Order  of  the  Spur  in  the  Vatican  ! 

Here  would  indeed  be  a  series  calculated  to  rejoice  the  heart  of  any 
Royalist  and  Cavalier,— though  it  would  unluckily  exhibit  Sir  George 
invariably  on  the  side  which  a  base  and  brutal  Nineteenth  Century 
insists  on  calling  that  of  darkness,  tyranny,  and  superstition.  But  Sir 
George,  besides  his  general  abuse  of  the  Arts  in  the  House  of  Commons, 
condescends  to  particulars.  He  is_ severe,  for  instance,  on  The  Baptism 
of  King  Mhelbert,  because  the  King  is  naked,  except  his  crown,  and 
kneels  by  a  font,  "in  which  he  could  no  more  be  immersed  than  in  a 
teacup."  It  is  unlucky  that  Me.  Dyce  in  both  points — the  nakedness 
of  the  King  and  the  smallness  of  the  font— should  have  followed  the 
nearest  available  authority,  and  shoidd  have  shown  us  Mhelbert  under 
baptism,  as  the  MSS.  of  nearly  the  same  date  show  Agilulf,  King  of 
the  Lombards,  in  the  same  act. 

Sir.  G.  recommends  the  Government  "  to  put  a  stop  to  an  expendi- 
ture which  produces  results  winch  give  foreigners  a  very  low  idea  of  the 
standard  of  Art  in  England."  Perhaps  Sir,  George  does  not  suffi- 
ciently consider  that  if  foreigners  go  for  their  "standards"  to  Par- 
liament, they  may  be  liable  to  undervalue  other  things  besides  our  Art. 
Suppose,  for  instance,  they  were  to  fall  upon  Sir  George's  own  speeches 
as  standards  of  English  sense  and  Parliamentary  wisdom? 

But  nothing  in  Sir  G.  Bowyer's  speech  becomes  him  like  the 
closing  of  it.  He  tells  us  that  "  he  places  great  reliance  on  the  Noble 
Lord  at  the  head  of  the  Government,  in  matters  of  taste  !  "  We  have 
long  been  accustomed  to  deplore  Lord  Palmerston's  unhappy  bent 


in  Art,  but  we  have  never  yet  seen  so  conspicuous  a  condemnation  of 
it  as  this  reliance  of  Sir  George  Bowyer's.  Sir  George  is  sorry  he 
was  not  "present  at  the  recent  debate  on  the  style  of  the  Foreign 
Office,  to  show  that  there  was  at  least  one  Italian  question  on  which  he 
agreed  with  the  Noble  Lord."  _  Let  Lord  Palmerston  pause  before 
it  is  too  late,  and  reflect  what  it  is  to  have  Sir  George  Bowyer  agree 
with  him ! 

But  Bowyer  was  not  theonly  new  light  that  last  week  saw  set  up 
to  guide  the  House  aright  in  matters  of  Art.  Osborne— the  brilliant 
Bernal — or  Burn-all,  as  he  might  be  called,  in  consideration  of  the 
heat,  fight,  and  brightness  of  his  wit— had  preceded  Bowyer.  He 
was  lambent,  corruscant,  flashing.  How  Ms  lightnings  were  made  to 
play  about  the  devoted  heads  of  the  poor  painters,  who  had  laid  their 
profane  hands  on  the  walls  within  which  Osborne  deigns  to  enlighten 
and  convulse  the  world !  Think  of  Maclise,  or  Dyce,  or  Herbert, 
or  Watts,  in  the  hands  of  Osborne — mere  mice  in  the  paAvs  of  a  lion  ! 
Only  it  seems  hardly  worth  while  of  this  monarch  of  the  woods  to 
waste  his  gigantic  strength  on  such  small  deer !  There  was  Lord 
Macaulay's  old  New  Zealander  called  up  to  ask,  what  he  would  think 
of  the  frescoes,  when  he  sat  down  on  that  famous  sketching  job  of  his, 
from  the  broken  arch  of  London  Bridge.  But  no  ;  the  frescoes  would 
have  all  faded  from  the  walls  long  before  the  New  Zealander's  visit — 
they  were  falling  off  already — "Cordelia  was  defaced,  and  Lear  was 
almost  invisible." 

The  House's  enjoyment  of  this  exquisite  fooling  might  have  been 
lessened  had  it  been  told  at  the  time  that  the  facts  were  untrue— that 
Cordelia's  beauty  was  as  fresh,  and  Lear's  age  as  venerable,  as  when 
Mr.  Herbert  first  withdrew  the  screen  from  before  his  fresco.  And 
this  even  the  brilliant  Bernal  was  forced  to  admit  the  next  night. 
But  he  got  more  of  his  own  .peculiar  chaste  and  refined  fun  out  of  the 
very  admission,  telling  us  it  was  true  that  Cordelia  and  Lear  were  all 
right,  but  "  Regan's  nose  was  in  a  rapid  state  of  decay,  and  would  pro- 
bably fall  off  before  the  Session  was  over."  We  might  remind  Mr. 
Osborne  that  even  if  his  charge  were  true,  many  a  Member  might  envy 
Mr.  Herbert's  fresco,  and  wish  that  his  own  "  Ayes  "  and  '  Noes  " 
coidd  be  as  easily  effaced  from  Hansard,  as  Cordelia's  eyes  or  Regan's 
nose  from  the  plaster  of  the  Poets'  Corridor. 

Mr.  Punch  would  only  remind  these  brilliant  orators,  and  cruel  critics , 
that  art,  like  oratory,  is  not  learnt  in  a  day — that  it  requires  a  long 
course  of  experiments  before  you  can  hit  the  way  either  to  ornament 
the  walls,  or  amuse  the  groundlings,  of  Parliament.  But,  comparing 
Art  and  Oratory,  we  should  be  sorry  indeed  to  pronounce  the  Art  that 
adorns  the  walls  of  the  House  of  Commons  as  low  in  its  way  as  much 
of  the  eloquence  that  is  considered  sufficient  to  enlighten  and  amuse  the 
Members  of  that  House  ;  and  we  would  in  conclusion  remind  Honour- 
able and  facetious  Members  who  may  be  inclined  to  applaud  or  imitate 
Osborne  and  Bowyer,  that  "it  is  an  ill  bird  that  dirties  its  own 
nest."  It  will  be  a  fair  day  for  England  when  she  can  feel  as  proud. of 
the  work  done  and  the  speeches  spoken  within  the  walls  of  Parliament 
as  of  the  works  painted  upon  those  walls,  with  all  their  deficiencies ;  and 
we  must  protest  equally  against  being  committed  to  the  histories  of 
Sir  George  Bowyer,  and  the  aesthetics  of  Mr.  Bernal  Osborne. 


A  LADY'S  RIDDLE. 


"  Dear  Mr.  Punch,  "  Brompton  Square. 

"  Gracious  knows  I  am  in  no  temper  to  be  amusing,  but 
here  is  a  riddle  which  may  shame  a  Brute,  I  mean  of  course,  a  husband. 
"  What  is  the  difference  between  me  and  Lord  Palmerston  ? 
"  Why  last  Wednesday  he  was  at  a  delightful  Whitebait  Dinner  at 
Greenwich,  and  I  wasn't. 

"  Let  a  wretch's  conscience  and  my  old  bonnet  say  why. 

"  Yours  truly, 

"  An  Oppressed  Wife." 


CAUTION  TO  EXPLOSIVE  PEOPLE. 

By  the  Gunpowder  Act,  which  comes  into  operation  on  the  Slst  of 
August,  it  is  enacted  that : — 

"  No  person  shall  throw,  east,  or  fire  any  squib,  serpent,  rocket,  or  other  fire- 
works, in  or  into  any  thoroughfare,  or  public  place,  under  the  penalty  of  five  pounds 
for  every  offence." 

If  the  above  Act,  which  seems  to  be  a  death-blow  aimed  at  the  repu- 
tation of  Guido  Faux,  is  strictly  enforced,  we  look  upon  Mr.  Bernal 
Osborne  as  a  ruined  man,  for  it  stands  to  reason  that  no  fortune  can 
stand  against  a  perpetual  series  of  fines,  if  he  has  to  pay  £5  for  every 
squib  he  flings  about  in  the  House  of  Commons,  or  elsewhere.  The 
only  public  gain  may  be  that,  though  Mr.  Osborne  may  be  ruined,  still 
there  will  be  an  end  put  to  the  "offence"  he  is  so  frequently  guilty  of  ; 
for  we  conclude  that,  when  he  is  no  longer  able  to  pay  for  Ms  amuse- 
ment, the  Hon.  Member  for  Liskeard  will  be  locked  up. 


GO 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[August  10,  18G1. 


OUR    DRAMATIC    CORRESPONDENT. 

her  Ponche,  — I  sup- 
pose now  that  the 
Government  have  had 
their  Whitebait,  Dinner, 
the  season  may  be  well 
nigh  accounted  to  be 
over,  and  Mr.  Gye  I 
think  shows  wisdom  in 
closing  Covent  Garden 
before  his  senatorial  sup- 
porters have  all  left  him. 
To  the  man  who  has  been 
jaded  by  six  months  of 
London  life,  a  partridge 
has  far  more  attractions 
than  a  Patti  ;  and  were 
Grisi  to  return  for  an- 
other final  farewell,  she 
would  stand  but  little 
chance  of  competing 
with  the  grouse.  Having 
no  rival  worth  thinking 
of,  and  keeping  open 
house  for  four  or  live 
nights  every  week,  Mr. 
Gye  must  have  this  year 
put  money  in  his  purse; 
and  since  he  spares  no 
pains  for  the  pleasing  of 
the  public,  as  one  of 
them  I  certainly  can't 
grudge  him  his  success. 
"  Next  to  Norma  s 
leave-taking,  the  debut 
of  La  Sonnambula  has 
been  the  feature  of  the 
season,  and  her  perform- 
ance bids  fan  aural  pro- 
mise for  the  next.  Will 
she  ever  equal  Grisi  ? 
is  a  question  I  hear 
asked,  but  which  for  my 
own  part  I  should  never 

dream  of  putting.  She  is  of  a  far  too  delicate  physique  to  play  in  what  is  termed_ '  grand  opera '  with 
suitable  effect ;  and  although  her  voice  and  figure  have  by  no  means  reached  maturity,  one  can't  ftmcy 
they  will  ever  attain  to  Grisi  growth.  I  only  hope  she  won't  be  spoilt  by  the  overpraise  she  gets,  and 
that  she  will  not  strain  her  voice  and  vulgarise  her  style  by  singing  too  much  of  the  trashy  Traviata 
school  of  music.  They  say  Grisi's  voice  is  worn,  and  so  no  doubt  it  is,  for  has  she  not  been  using  it 
for  more  than  thirty  seasons  ?  I  only  hope  if  I  hear  Patti  take  her  final  farewell  in  1891,  her  voice 
may  sound  as  sweetlv  as  did  Grisi's  t'  other  day,  when  twelve  thousand  came  to  Sydenham  to  be 
present  at  her  leave-taking. 

"  Of  course  one  can't  please  everybody,  and  I  think  I  hear  old  Growler  grumbling  at  my  impudence 
in  writing  about  the  opera  seeing  that  my  letters  are  professedly  dramatic.  Well,  the  opera  is  not  the 
drama,  it  is  true,  and  sticklers  lor  mere  words  may  therefore  find  some  fault  with  me.  But  surely 
Grisi  has  been  great  both  as  an  actress  and  a  singer,  and  indeed  to  my  mind  the  very  finest  acting  is  not 
seldom  to  be  seen  upon  the  operatic  stage.  To  take  part  in  an  opera  requires  not  less  a  musical  than 
a  dramatic  course  of  study,  and  if  not  the  highest  it  is  clearly  the  most  difficult  form  of  footlight  art.  A 
prima  donna  has  not  merely  to  learn  the  words,  and  study  the  fit  bearing  of  a  part,  but  she  must  likewise 
commit  to  heart  the  music  of  it,  and  in  the  full  swing  and  torrent  of  her  passion  must  mind  her  sharps 
and  fiats,  her  pianos  and  her  fortes,  and  never  be  a  beat  behindhand  with  a  note. 

"In  this  age  of  fast  farces  and  degenerate  burlesques,  it  is  but  seldom  that  one  gets  the  sight  of  a 
new  comedy  ;  and  although  that  at  the  Haymarket  is  not,  strictly  speaking,  "  new  "  (albeit  the  playbill 
so  declares  it),  there  is  certainly  some  novelty  in  seeing  a  translation  from  the  Freuch  done  in  five  acts. 
The  piece  is  neatly  written,  and  cleansed  from  aught  unsavoury  there  may  be  in  the  original ;  and  as  the 
five  acts  only  occupy  two  hours  and  a  quarter,  one  surely  cannot  well  complain  that  they  are  tedious. 
Mr.  Charles  Mathews  and  his  wife  make  up  most  becomingly  in  the  costume  of  the  period  of  Louis 
the  Fifteenth  ;  and  this  ancient  date  is  marked  by  My  Lord  and  My  Lady  having  married  '  for  conve- 
nience ; '  a  thing  which  in  high  life  one  knows  has  long  since  been  extinct.  Mr.  Buckstone  has  a  part 
which  is  not  very  funny,  but  is  not  at  all  coarse ;  and  for  the  absence  of  the  latter  quality  I  can  wilhngly 
look  over  any  absence  of  the  former.  I  feel  inclined,  moreover,  to  give  a  word  of  praise  to  Mr.  Andrews, 
from  New  York,  who  plays  a  monkeyish  French  valet  with  much  excellent  grimacing,  and  yet  without 
any  attempt  to  make  too  much  of  a  small  part. 

"At  the  Princess's,  Mr.  Hamlet — otherwise  known  as  M.  Fechter — still  continues  to  attract. 
When  I  looked  in  the  other  evening  there  was  scarcely  a  stall  vacant.  Some  people  may  doubt  if  it  be 
praise  to  say  so,  but  his  is  a  performance  which  bears  seeing  bit  by  bit,  and  I  think  that  one  enjoys  it  all 
the  more  for  doing  so.  Well-nigh  every  line  has  its  appropriate  look  or  gesture,  and  very  many  of  the 
points  are  so  carefully  minute  that  one's  attention  need  be  fresh  to  appreciate  them  properly.  As  a 
contrast,  a  while  since,  there  appeared  on  the  'off'  nights  a  Transatlantic  lady,  who  played  Rosalind  as 
no  one  but  a  Yankee-ess  could  play  her.  Certain  of  the  critics  objected  to  her  dress,  as  being  far  less 
fit  for  Shakspeare  than  for  a  burlesque.  But  I  think  her  costume  suited  her  conception  of  the 
character;  for  in  calling  women  ' wimmun,'  and  saying  'linnimunts '  for  lineaments,  she  clearly  showed 
she  was  burlesquing  the  part  that  Shakspeare  wrote.  «  qne  Who  Pays  " 


A  PIPER  WORTH  PAYING. 

From  a  Cork  newspaper,  Mr.  Punch 
has  the  pleasure  of  extracting  a  portion 
of  a  Report  which  has  filled  him  with 
a  variety  of  sensations  too  numerous 
to  mention.  It  may  not  be  known  to 
Saxons  that  the  beautiful  city  of  Cork 
(and  it  is  that,  and  as  for  the  girls, 

0  Honora,  excuse  this  wild  throb, 
and  be  still,  be  still,  thou  fluttering 
heart — but  this  is  weakness)  is  governed 
in  some  way  by  a  Mayor  and  a  Council. 
The  other  day  there  was  a  meeting  of 
this  august  body  to  administer  what 
is  termed  the  "  Improvement  Depart- 
ment." Gentlemen  who  are  fortunate 
enough,  through  their  conjugal  relation, 
to  be  aware  of  what  milliners  used  to 
mean  by  an  improvement,  will  per- 
ceive, shortly,  how  appropriate  is  the 
name  of  the  Cork  Committee  of  Public 
Safety. 

The  Mayor  presided,  and  various 
topics  came  under  the  notice  of  this 
Cork  Parliament.  A  gentleman  named 
Sheehan,  perhaps  an  Englishman  from 
his  name,  and  from  the  icy  calmness 
with  which  he  discussed  the  subjects 
of  debate,  first  relieved  himself  of  his 
impatience  at  not  seeing  in  its  place  a 
certain  statue  ordered  on  the  previous 
Friday,  and  then  proceeded  -. — 

"  Mr.  Sheehan  referred  to  a  letter  which 
lie  had  read  at  the  Department  at  the  pre- 
vious meeting,  purporting  to  have  been 
written  to  him  by  a  clergyman  of  the  city, 
begging  his  influence  to  better  the  position 
of  the  poor  curates,  and  have  some  bye-law 
enacted  against  the  wearing  of  Crinoline,  as 
the  writer  had  only  £60  a-year,  and  his 
daughter  was  putting  him  to  enormous  ex- 
pense by  her  indulgence  in  the  present  in- 
flated style  of  dress.  Now,  continued  Mr. 
Sheehan,  I  see  that  gentleman  says  he  didn't 
write  that  letter,  but  I  'm  sorry  he  didn't, 
for  it's  a  very  sensible  and  logical  letter. 
(Laughter.)  It's  a  shame,  sir,  I  say,  to  have 
poor  curates  treated  as  they  are.  (Order, 
order.)  I  say  it's  a  shame,  sir,  and  I '11  give 
notice  of  motion  about  it.  To  have  only 
£00  a-year,  and  to  have  their  daughters  beg- 
garing them  with  their  hoops.  (Order,  order.)" 

The  mutinous  cry  was  followed  up 
by  somebody — one  Scott,  and  these 
Scots  have  no  imagination — complain- 
ing that  the  subject  was  not  connected 
with  the  business  that  ought  to  be  in 
hand,  that  of  a  Pipe  Committee.  Mr. 
Scott  is  possibly  single,  and  does  not 
know  that  piping  has  a  good  deal  to 
do  Avith  certain  articles  of  costume. 
But  Mr.  Sheehan  squashed  him  at 
the  shortest  notice : 

"Mr.  Sheehan  (excitedly).  It  has,  Scott. 

1  say  it  is  most  inhuman  for  women  to  be 
going  through  the  streets  with  large  hoops 
all  out  this  way  round  them,  so  that  people 
can't  pass.    (Laughter.)" 

Then  a  Mr.  Exham  endeavoured 
to  put  down  the  energetic  Mr.  Shee- 
han, but  the  exhemplary  Exham  had 
no  chance.  In  answer  to  his  sugges- 
tion that  such  matters  were  not  for  the 
Department  of  Pipes,  responded — 

•'  Mr.  Sheehan  (warmly).  I  say  they  are, 
Sir.  I  say  they  are.  (Order,  order.)  It  is  most 
unnatural  for  those  ladies  to  be  going  through 
the  streets  with  such  things  on.  (Oh,  oh, 
order,  order,  and  laughter.)  I  know  it,  Sir. 
I  know  it.  I  have  eight  daughters  myself 
wearing  hoops,  so  I  'm  more  connected  with 
them  than  they.     (Laughter  and  uproar.) 

Eight  daughters !  If  those  young 
ladies  inherit  then  father's  straight- 
forwardness, earnestness  of  purpose, 
and  good  sense,  Mr.  Punch  deeply  re- 
grets that  he  has  not  eight  sons  of 


August  10,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


Gl 


marriageable  age,  for  in  those  two  cases  he  would  present  the  eight 
young  gentlemen  with  sixteen  tickets,  eight  return,  and  eight  single, 
and  pack  them  off  by  this  night's  rail  with  orders  to  come  back  with 
each  of  the  eight  Misses  Sheehan  as  a  Mrs.  Eitz-Punch,  or  not  to 
come  back  at  all. 

There  were  some  further  tyrannical  attempts  tostop  the  oratory  of 
Mr.  Punch's  possible  Connection,  but  he  had  said  his  say,  and  the 
Council,  which  may  be  regarded  as  Sat  Upon,  humbly  proceeded  to 
dance  to  its  own  Pipes.  More  .power  to  your  respectable  elbow,  Mr. 
Sheehan,  and  here 's  luck  to  you,  Sir,  and  to  the  young  ladies,  and  its 
proud  Cork  ought  to  be  of  having  such  a  Councillor. 


ecently  in  the  House  of 
Commons,  the  House 
having  gone  into  Commit- 
tee upon  the  Statute  Law 
Revision  Bill,  _  Mr.  Hen- 
jstessy,  according  to  the 
reported  debate,  said  that 
as  the  Bill  was  intended  to 
repeal  useless  and  obsolete 
laws,  he  thought  the  Eccle- 
siastical Titles  Act  might 
well  be  included  among 
them ;  and?  Sir  G.  C\ 
Lewis  having,  in  answer, 
observed  that  the  motion 
of  the  Hon.  Gentleman  par- 
took rather  of  the  nature 
of  a  practical  joke  than  a 
serious  motion,  thereupon 
the  gallant  crusader, — 

"  Sir  G.  Bowter  asked  whe- 
ther any  one  could  point  out 
what  practical  effect  the  Ecclesi- 
astical Titles  Act  had  had. 
{Hear,  hear.)  If  an  act  which 
had  never  had,  and  never  would 
have  any  force,  was  not  an  obso- 
lete Act,  he  did  not  know  what 


GOYON  AND  DE  MERODE. 

&  5Lag  of  Hctrrstrr  Square. 

Ah !  'ave  a  you  eerd  ze  news  wheech  'ave  occur  joost  now  ? 
Monsignor  ds  Merode  wiz  Goyon  'ave  von  row 
Ze  General  demand,  and  Monsignor  deny, 
Surrender  of  Zouave  for  some  offence  to  try. 

To  General  Goyon,  of  Monsignor  Merode, 

Ze  ausare,  in  Inglees  exprased,  vas  "  You  be  blowed ; 

I  vill  a  not  give  op  ze  unfortunate  to  you  : 

Your  mastere  ees  von  rhog,  von  ombog,  and  von  doo  !  " 

Ze  General  Goyon,  to  hear  zis  bad  language 
Spoke  of  Napoleon,  flew  into  von  great  rage ; 
"Alia  !  "  he  cry,  "  ze  coat  protects  you  what  you  wears, 
Else  I  wode  give  you  two  great  boxes  on  ze  ears. 

"  Take  off  your  priestly  robbs  wliich  keeps  your  shoulders  warm, 

And  I  of  General  will  change  ze  uniform 

Zat  now  on  your  honneur  I  'ave  inflicted  stain, 

I  may  you  render  satisfaction  on  ze  plain." 

Monsignor  be  Merode  replied,  "  You'll  me  excuse; 
Ze  offer  to  accept,  for  why  I  most  refuse." 
" Monsignorde  Merode,"  say  General  Goyon, 
"  To  me  it  plain  appears  zat  you  are  von  poltron. 

"  Ze  boxes  of  your  ears  vat  causes  you  no  pain, 
Since  as  you  zern  accept  zey  morally  remain, 
Behold,  you  see  ze  tip  of  zis  extended  toe  ; 
Conceive  zat  you  arrest  ze  kick  I  make  just  so !  " 

Monsignor  de  Merode  did  zereupon  retreat, 
Like  von  small  dog  wiz  tail  between  his  hinder  feet, 
Ze  soldier  of  him  claimed  surrender  by-and-by, 
And  seat  him  down  to  eat  von  plate  of  omble  pie. 


It  is  not  at  all  difficult  to  point  out  to  Sir  George  Bowyer  what 
practical  effect  has  resulted  from  the  Ecclesiastical  Titles  Act.  The 
prestige,  to  quote  a  word  from  the  vocabulary  of  humbug,  of  the  Pope 
and  his  priesthood,  was  shaken  by  the  enactment  of  that  measure. 
Many  people  were  prevented  from  turning  papists,  who,  had  it  not 
passed,  would  have  thought  it  had  been  defeated  by  supernatural  power, 
but  who  lost  their  growing  faith  hi  the  Pope  when  they  saw  him  beaten 
by  the  British  Public.  The  progress  of  the  Italian  revolution  was 
probably  much  accelerated  by,  and  there  is  reason  to  suppose  that  the 
emancipation  of  Italy  has  been  in  no  small  measure  owing  to,  the 
spectacle  of  the  self-styled  successor  of  St.  Peter  opposed  and  baffled 
in  his  attempt  to  subjugate  the  people  of  England. 

If  no  practical  effect  had  been  likely  to  be  produced  by  the  Ecclesi- 
astical Titles  Act,  why  did  Honourable  Gentlemen  of  Sir  George 
Bowyer's  persuasion  so  violently  endeavour  to  arrest  its  progress  in 
the  House  of  Commons?  Why  did  the  Pope's  Brass  Band  trumpet 
against  it  so  furiously,  and  why,  as  Mr.  Hennessy,  or  any  other  one 
of  them,  might  say  in  a  national  form  of  speech,  do  they  still  keep 
harping  on  the  same  string  ? 

The  Ecclesiastical  Titles  Act  will  doubtless  be  a  dead  letter,  so  long 
as  Roman  Catholic  Bishops  confine  themselves  to  minding  then  theo- 
logical business.  Let  any  of  them  endeavour,  like  some  of  their  foreign 
brethren,  to  foment  sedition,  and  then,  if  they  cease  to  be  contemptible, 
and  become  dangerous.  Sir  George  Bowyer  will  probably  find  that 
the  Act  which  he  considers  obsolete  will  have  quite  force  enough  for 
the  purpose  which  it  was  meant  to  serve. 


advice  to  the  intemperate. 

If  you  will  "  drink  like  a  fish,"  let  it  be  then  like  the  gold  fish, 

whose  entire  globe  contains  nothing  but  water.— George  C—ksh—k. 


DONE   IN   A  MINUTE  ! 


Two  negro  newspapers  are  now  published,  one  in  New  York,  and 
the  other  m  Boston.    Of  course,  they  are  printed  in  black  letter  ? 


The  One  Great  Thing  that  has  Passed  this  Session.- 
Lord  John  into  the  House  of  Lords. 


-Passing 


MAY  DIFFERENCE  OE  OPINION  NEVER  ALTER 
COLLABORATION. 

Our  excellent  contemporary  the  Daily  Telegraph,  published  on  the 
ultimate  day  of  July  a  biography  of  a  Duke  just  deceased,  and  also  an 
eloquent  leading  article  on  the  same  individual.  Desiring  to  complete 
our  judgment  of  the  character  of  the  departed,  we  could  wish  to  know 
which  of  the  articles,  published  simultaneously,  is  to  be  accepted  as 
truthful.    Eor,  lo!, 

Biography.  Leading  Article. 

"  Extravagant  he  was,  certainly ;  over-  "  His  life  was  pre-eminently  a  mean, 
hearing  he  may  have  been  ;  but  he  was,  shabby,  and  shuffling  one.  He  muddled 
at  all  events,  in  prosperity  brave  and  away  his  millions  as  though  they  had 
generous,  .with  all  his  faults."  been  the  rents  of  a  coalshed.     *    * 

Had  there  been  anything  noteworthy, 
anything  really  estimable  in  his  character, 
he  would  not  have  been  suffered  to  sink 
so  entirely  into  decadence." 

v\.s  the  Cabman  remarked  to  the  ladies  and  gentleman  in  Pickwick, 
when  all  gave  him  contradictory  orders  as  to  the  door  at  which  he  was 
to  stop,  "All  I  say  is,  settle  vich  it  is." 

But  if  collaborateurs  differ,  contemporaries  differ  almost  as  widely. 
The  Telegraph  observes : — ■ 

"  The  town  rang  with  indignation  when  he  not  only  overpowered  his  son  and  heir 
into  cutting  off  the  entail  of  the  estates,  and  robbing  him  and  his  seed  for  ever  for 
the  parent's  folly  and  the  creditors'  greed,  but  absolutely  prosecuted  him  for  perjury 
before  a  court  of  justice,  when  he  denied  having  signed  a  certain  deed,  which,  like  a 
hundred  others,  was  given  him  in  all  haste  to  subscribe  to,  not  to  examine.  The 
host  of  eminent  witnesses  who  were  proud  to  accompany  Lord  Chandos  into  court — 
Lord  Brougham,  the  Provost  of  Eton,  &c.  &c. — was  sufficient  proof  of  the  son's 
character,  and  the  father's  character  was  made  evident  to  all  men  by  the  fact  that 
his  son  stood  at  the  bar  on  such  a  base  charge— that  son  whom  the  father's  creditors 
so  trusted  that  they  made  him  receiver  of  the  estates,  a  post  which  enabled  him  to 
live  comfortably— even  luxuriously— had  he  not  out  of  his  income  supported  the 
man  who  prosecuted  him  ! " 

The  Morning  Chronicle  says  : — 

"  Warm-hearted  and  hospitable  in  former  days,  and  honest  and  just  in  the  hour 
of  difficulty,  the  late  Duke  willingly  allowed  his  estates  to  be  sequestered,  so  that 
his  creditors  might  be  paid  in  full.  In  this  effort  he  was  honourably  seconded  by 
his  only  son,  the  Marquis  of  Chandos,  as  our  readers  are  aware.  The  present 
Duke,  remarkable  for  his  business  habits,  must,  ere  long,  be  in  possession  of  an 
income  calculated  to  support  his  dukedom.  As  opinions  opposite  to  these  facts 
have  been  very  generally  entertained,  it  is  only  fair  to  the  memory  of  the  late  Duke 
that,  this  statement  should  go  abroad." 

Again  we  must  revert  to  the  language  of  the  excellent  Pickwickian 
cabman,  and  say  "Settle  vich  it  is."  We  ought  to  .have  no  erasures 
in  our  Golden  Book. 


62 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[August  10,  1861. 


>~    :  •      ; 


END    OF    THE    SESSION. 

Mr.  Bull.  "  So  the  Workmen  are  out  at  last  !    Plenty  of  Shavings,  Mr.  Pam,  but  mighty  little  Work,  I  'm  afraid.' 


A  SHOET  WAY  WITH  SECULARISTS. 

We  congratulate  the  partisans  of  absolute  squirearchy  on  the  verdict 
of  that  enlightened  Devonshire  Special  Jury,  which,  at  the  last  Exeter 
Assizes,  in  the  case  Bbadlatjgh  v.  Edwards,  awarded  the  Plaintiff, 
who  sued  the  Defendant  for  assault  and  false  imprisonment,  the  lowest 
amount  of  damages  which  they  could  legally  give  him.  The  assault 
consisted  in  a  seizure  of  the  necktie,  and  a  pressure  of  knuckles  into 
the_  throat,  _  by  Policemen  acting  under  the  orders  of  the  Defendant, 
their  superintendent.  The  imprisonment  included  five  hours  in  an 
underground  cell,  without  lire  or  light,  in  the  month  of  March,  and 
lasted  from  Sunday  till  Monday  morning.  It  was,  therefore,  an  injury 
for  which  a  British  Jury,  more  jealous  of  the  liberty  of  the  subject  than 
zealous  for  the  authority  of  justices,  would  have  ordinarily  given  heavy 
damages.    The  Devonshire  Jury  gave  Mr.  Bradlaugh  one  farthing. 

The  fact  was,  that  Bradlaugh  was  not  only  one  of  those  fellows 
who  ought  to  be  put  down,  but  he  was  one  of  those  fellows  who  ought 
to  be  put  down  without  any  ceremony  or  standing  upon  niceties  of  law. 
This  fellow,  Bradlaugh,  who  calls  himself  "Iconoclast,"  is  a  secular 
lecturer.  He  was  collared  and  walked  off  to  the  station-house  by  the 
direction  of  Mr.  Edwards,  the  Plaintiff,  out  of  a  field  which  he  was 
about  to  deliver  a  secularistical  lecture  in,  and  which  he  had  hired  for 
that  purpose.  Mr.  Edwards  had  previously,  instructed  by  the  Magis- 
trates, prevented  him  from  lecturing  iu  Devonport  Park,  a  place  hi 
which  he  had  no  business  but  what  the  authorities  chose  to  grant  him. 
They  could  not  legally  exclude  him  from  the  field  which  he  had  hired 
so  then  officer,  Mr.  Edwards,  strained  the  law  a  point  for  them,  and 
did  it  illegally,  at  the  small  cost  of  one  farthing,  and  legal  expenses, 
which  he  will  not,  of  course,  have  personally  to  defray. 

The  lecture  which  Mr.  Bradlaugh  meant  to  deliver,  had  he  been 
permitted,  would,  there  is  every  reason  to  believe,  have  formed  au 
exposition  of  opinions  much  the  same  as  those  put  forward  iu  Essays 
and  Reviews.  On  that  heterodox  work  Convocation  could  only  venture 
to  decide  that  there  were  grounds  for  proceeding  to  synodical  judgment, 
It  availed  itself  of  an  excuse  to  shrink  from  pronouncing  judgment 
thereon.  The  timidity  which  Convocation  thus  displayed  must  have 
been  very  painful  to  the  enemies  of  free  theological  discussion.  Pro- 
portionally cheering  to  that  intelligent  party  must  be  the  boldness  of  a 


Magistracy  and  Constabulary  who  rush  in  where  Divines  fear  to  tread, 
and  take  an  "  Iconoclast  "  into  custody  ;  and  they  doubtless  feel  equally 
reassured  by  the  healthy  spirit  of  dogmatism  which  must  have  actuated 
a  Jury  that  virtually  sanctioned  them  in _  doing  so.  Mr.  Edwards's 
Policemen  caught,  Mr.  Bradlaugh  by  Iris  tie,  and  dug  their  knuckles 
into  his  neck.  Mr,  Bradlaugh  is  a  layman,  and  his  tie  may  be  a 
black  one,  or  a  bird's-eye  for  aught  we  know.  Is  there  no  Constable, 
likewise,  ready  to  seize  hold  of  the  white  tie  of  any  or  every  clerical 
writer  in  Essays  and  Review's  ?  Cannot  the  Rev.  Rowland  Williams, 
D.D.,  Vice-Principal  and  Professor  of  Hebrew,  St.  David's  College, 
Lampeter,  Vicar  ol  Broad  Chalke,  Wilts,  be  collared  like  Mr.  Brad- 
laugh, by  the  Police,  and  conveyed  summarily  to  Quod,  at  the  charge 
of  one  farthing  only,  instead  of  costing  the  Bishop  of_  Salisbury 
a  mint  of  money  for  his  prosecution,  and  perhaps  getting  off  after 
all? 

Hurrah  for  the  orthodox  reaction  which  perhaps  is  commencing  !  It 
is  by  no  means  enough  that  every  man  shall  be  responsible  to  a. court 
of  law  for  the  expression  of  Ms  theological  opinions.  Fellows  who  go 
about  lecturing,  and  inculcating  views  the  assertion  of  which  may  or 
may  not  be  unlawful  and  punishable,  must  have  their  niouths  stopped 
at  once.  This  object  is  to  be  effected  by  the  Policeman  with  his 
grasp  on  the  lecturer's  "choker."  Thus,  and  not  by  a  tedious  and 
expensive  trial,  to  say  nothing  of  argument,  should  the  preachers  of 
unbelief  be  silenced:  as  they  are  at  Devonport,  and  might  have  been  at 
Naples  in  the  time  of  Bomba.  The  Magistrates  becoming  judges  of 
controversy,  and  the  Policemen  enforcing  their  decrees,  the  office  of 
justice  of  the  peace  will  become  a  holy  office  indeed,  and  the  constabu- 
lary will  rise  into  familiars  of  a  British  Inquisition.  This  consumma- 
tion most  devoutly  to  be  wished,  will  at  least  result  from  the  prevalence 
of  that  superiority  to  vulgar  solicitude  for  freedom  of  discussion  which, 
in  the  case  of  Bradlaugh  v.  Edwards,  was  signalised  by  a  Devonshire 
special  jury. 

A  Man  of  High   Family. 

It  is  not  generally  known  that  M.  Blondin  is  connected  with  one  of 
the  most  illustrious  families  of  the  English  Peerage.  The  great  funam- 
bulist is  confidently  asserted  to  be  a  scion  of  the  House  of  Somerset. 


Printed  by  William  Bradbury,  of  No.  13,  Upper  Woburn  Place,  and  Frederick  Mullett  Evans,  of  No.  19,  Queen's  Road  West,  Regent's  Park,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Ptncras,  in  the  County  of  Middlesex, 
Printers,  at  their  Office  in  Lombard  Street,  in  the  Precinct  of  Whitefriars,  i.i  the  City  of  London,  and  Published  by  them  at  No.  85,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  City  of  London. - 
Satubbay, August  10,1861. 


Shortly  will  be  Published,  in  Three  Vols.,  Price  £1  lis.  6d., 


COTTON    AND    COTTON    SUPPLY.—^  -  once  a  week 

for  August   17th. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI,  August  17,  1861. 


MUERAY'S 

HANDBOOKS  FOR  TBj 
CONTINENT. 


The  following  are  Now  Ready  :— 

lyAHDBOOK-TR^AVEL- 

&&.  TALK,  in  English  French,  Italian, 
and  German.    18mo.    3s.  6^. 

HANDBOOK— THE  RHFNE,  from  Swit- 
berland  to  Holland,  the  Black  Forest, 
Vos-es,  Haardt,  Odenwald,  Bifel,  Moselle,  Sc. 
By  K.  Baedeker.  Map  and  Plans.  Post  Svo. 
Js.  6d. 

HANDBOOK  —  NORTH  GERMANY. 
Holland,  Belgium,  Prussia,  and  the  Rhine  to 
Switzerland.    Map.    Post  8vo.    10s. 

HANDBOOK— SOUTH  GERMANY.  The 
Tyrol,  Bavaria,  Austria,  Salzburg,  Styria,  Hun- 
gary, and  the  Danube  from  Dim  to  the  Black 
Sea.    Map.    Post  8vo.    l'«. 

HANDBOOK  —  SWITZERLAND.        The 

Alps  of  Savoy  and  Piedmont.  A  New  and 
Thoroughly  Revised  Edition.  Maps.  Post  8vo. 
9s. 

HANDBOOK  —  FRANCE.  Normandy, 
Brittany,  the  French  Alps,  Daupbing,  Provence, 
and  the  Pyrenees.  New  and  Revised  Edition. 
Maps.    Post  Svo.    10s. 

HANDBOOK— SPAIN.  Andalusia,  Gre- 
nada, Madrid,  Se.  With  a  Supplement  of  Inns 
and  Railways,  18111.  Maps.  a  vols.  Post  Svo. 
30s. 

HANDBOOK— PORTUGAL.  Lisbon,  &o. 
Map.    Post  Svo.    0s. 

HANDBOOK— NORTH  ITALY.  Pied- 
mont, Nice,  Lonibardy,  Venice,  Parma,  Modeua, 
and  Roiuagna.    Maps.    Post  bvo.     l*2s. 

HANDBOOK— CENTRAL  ITALY.  Lttcoa, 

Tuscany,  Florence,  the  Marches,  and  the  Patri- 
mony of  St.  Peter.    Maps.    Post  Svo.    It's. 

HANDBOOK— ROME  AND  ITS  ENVI- 
RONS.   Map.    Tost  Svo.    9s. 

HANDBOOK  — SOUTH  ITALY.  Two 
Sicilies,  Naples,  Pompeii,  Herculaneurn,  Ve- 
suvius, Abruzzi,  &c.    Maps.    Post  Svo.     Uls. 

HANDBOOK— GREECE.  The  Ionian 
Islands,  Albania,  Thessaly,  and  Macedonia. 
Maps.    Post  Svo.     15s. 

HANDBOOK— EGYPT.    The  Nile,  Alex- 


andria, Cairo,  and  Tin 

15s. 


Map.    Post  Svo. 


HANDBOOK  — SYRIA.  PALESTINE. 
Sinai,  Edom,  Syrian  Desert,  &c.  Maps.  2  vols. 
Post  Svo.    24s. 

HANDBOOK  —  INDIA.  Bombay  and 
Madras.    Map.    2  vols.    Post  Svo.    21s. 

HANDBOOK— DENMARK,  NORWAY, 
and  SWEDEN,  and  ICELAND.  Maps.  Post 
Svo.    15s. 

HANDBOOK— RUSSIA.  St.  Petersburg, 
Moscow,  Finland,  &c.    Maps.    PostSvo.    12s. 

JOHN  MURRAY,  Albemarle  Street. 

MR.  ANnEllSSON'S  NEW  TRAVELS. 
Now  Ready,  with  Portrait  and  numerous  Illustra- 
tions, 21s,, 


KING   WILLIAM    STREET,  LONDON   BRIDGE, 

ESTABLISHED  IN  SHEFFIELD,  A.D.  1810. 


SflOT!    li     tt 


Mappin  Brothers  guarantee  on  all  f-beir  manufactures  in  Electro-Silver  Plate  a  strong 
deposit  of  real  silver,  according  to  price  charged. 


12  Table  Forks 
12  Table  Spoons    . . 
12  Dessert  Forks  . . 
12  Dessert  Spoons 
1 2  Tea  Spoons    . . . 


'FIDDLE.' 


Plated 
strong. 
£  s.  d. 
1  16  0 
1  16  0 
17  0 
17  0 
0  16    0 


Plated 
extra  strong. 
&  s.  d. 
-2  S  0 
2  8  0 
1  IS     0 


1  18     0 
10     0 


1  THREADED.' 


Vlatrai 

strong 

£. 

s. 

d. 

2 

14 

0 

2 

U 

0 

2 

0 

0 

2 

0 

0 

1 

4 

0 

Platen 

extra  strong 

£  S.     d. 

3  10     0 


3  10 
2  10 
2  10 
1  12 


Plated 
strong. 
£  s. 
3  0 
3  0 
2  4 
2  4 
1     7 


Plated 
extra  strong 
d. 


& 
3  IS 
3  IS 
2  14 
2  14 
1  lfi 


fHE    OKAVAieD    RIVJSJ&: 

<&»  a  Narrative  of  Travel,  Exploration,  and 
Adventure.  By  Chari.es  Jo'niS"  Aisdeksson, 
Author  of  "  Lake  Ngami." 

Hurst  &  Blackett,  Publishers. 

NEW  GENERAL  ATLAS. 
Recreated  by  Special  permission  to  Her  Majesty. 

mEE     SOYAL    ATLAS     OF 

JL  MODERN  GEOGRAPHY,  in  a  series 
of  entirely  original  Maps  by  Alex.  Keith  John- 
ston, E.R.S.E.,  ike,  with  an.  Index  of  easy  reference 
to  each  Map,  containing'  nearly  15^,000  places  in  this 
Atlas.  Imperial  folio  halt  bound  morocco  or  russia, 
.£5  15*.  Qd. 
W.  Blackwood  &  Sons,  Edinburgh  and  London 

WEW  TOUEISTS'   MAP   OF 

A«  SCOTLAND.  By  Alex.  Keith  John- 
ston. With  Index  of  easy  reference  to  9250  places 
on  the  Map.  Price,  in  a  Pocket  Case,  7»-  6rt. :  or  in 
Sheets,  (is.- "A  Map  which  has  certainly  nothirg 
like  a  rival  in  any  map  of  the  country  previously 
published.  For  completeness,  accuracy,  and  finish, 
it  is  perfect.  Not  a  turnpike  or  carriage  road,  or 
important  footpath  throughout  the  length  and 
breadth  of  the  land,  but  has  its  representative  here 
in  double  and  single  black  line.?."— The  Scotsman. 

William  Blackwood  &  Sous,    Edinburgh   and 
London.    Sold  by  all  Booksellers. 

A    NEW    MAP    0E    THE 

£&.  UNITED  STATES  OP  AMERICA. 
By  Alex.  Keitu  Johnston.  With  Index  of  easy 
reference  to  5675  places  on  the  Map.  Price,  in  a 
Pocket-Case,  Ss. ;  or  in  Sheets,  Us. 

William  Blackwood  &  Sons,  Edinburgh  and 
London. 

YCE  AHD  REFRIGERATORS. 

A  GEO.  SIMPSON  begs  to  state  that  he 
has  this  Season  perfected  his  well-known  REFRI- 
GERATORS by  the  construction  of  an  invisible 
water  tank  (for  iced  water),  so  combined  that  the 
whole  interior  of  the  ice  chest  is  available  for  the  ice 
and  provisions.  Pure  block  Ice,  fis.  per  10U  lb.;  rough 
ice,  Zs.Gd.  per  100  lb.:  delivered  in  town.  Freezing 
machines  to  be  used  with  or  without  ice,  freezing 
powders,  seltzogenes  (for  making  soda-water), 
filters,  &c. 

Geo.  Simpson,  Manufacturer,  315,  Oxford  Street, 
near  Harewood  Gates.    Established  1842. 


SHRUNK  FLANNEL  SHIRTS 

M?  Newest  Designs  (to  Order)  from  8s.  6d. 
A  Sample  Shirt  of  any  description  made  for  ap- 
proval. Collars,  best  quality,  10?.  6r/.  per  dozen. 
E.  I.  Hawkes  (10  years  with  Capper  &  Co.), 
Manufactory,  82,  Gt.  College  Street,  Camden  Town. 
Established  1S52.    Terms  Cash.    Patterns  Post  free. 


Officers'  Canteens  fitted  for  India  from,  £10  to  £500,  according  to  contents  required,  in  strong  Oak  Plate 
Cliests,  iron  bound,  and  triple-locked. 
Our  CatalopfUQ  of  Drawings  and  Pi-ices  (sent,  post  free  on  application,  to  London  Bridge)  will 
enable  intending-  purchasers  to  make  their  selection  without  difficulty. 

WEDDING  AND   BIRTHDAY  PRESENTS,  &c. 


"PEG  to  solicit  the  honour  of  a  visit  from  their  numerous  Patrons  to  inspect  their  present 
-"-*  Stock,  which  is  in  every  respect  unrivalled,  comprising  Jewellery  in  all  its  branches,  Watches, 
French  Drawing  and  Dining  Room  and  Library  Clocks,  Garnitures  de  Cltemmee.  Jewel  and 
Scent  Caskets,  Etui  Cases,  Mediseval  Mounted  Envelope  and  Blotting  Cases  and  Inkstands 
en  suite  in  "  Thuya  Imperiale  "  and  other  choice  woods.  Ladies  and  Gentlemen's  Dressing 
Cases  with  Silver,  Silver-gilt  and  Plated  fittings,  Travelling  Dressing  Bags  fitted  complete., 
Reticule  and  Carriage  Bags,  Despatch  Boxes,  Travelling  and  Tourists'  Writing  Cases,  besides  a 
large  variety  of  other  Articles  too  numerous  to  specify,  suitable  for  Presentation. 

T.  A.  SIMPSON  &  Co., 

GOLDSMITHS,    JEWELLERS,  CLOCK  &  WATCH   MANUFACTURERS,  DRESSING-CASE 
MAKERS  AND  FOREIGN  IMPORTERS, 

154,  Regent  Street,  and  8,  Beak  Ctreet,  W.  


15ERSONS  of  any  age,  however  bad  their  writing,  may,  in  EIGHT  LESSONS,  acquire  pei- 
■*•  manently  an  elegant  and  flowing  Style  of  Penmanship,  adapted  either  to  professional 
pursuits  or  private  correspondence.  Arithmetic  on  a  method  requiring  only  one-third  the  time 
usually  requisite.  Book-keeping,  as  practised  in  the  Government,  Banking,  and  Merchants' 
Offices ;  Short-hand,  &c.  For  Terms,  &.C.,  apply  to  Mr.  SMART,  at  the  Institution,  97b, 
Quadrant,  Regent  Street  (comer  of  Swallow  Street),  London,  removed  from  No.  5,  Piccadilly. 

%*  Caution.— No  connexion  with  parties  travelling  m  the  Provinces  assuming  the  name, 
copying  the  advertisements,  Sea.,  of  Mr.  William  Smart,  whose  only  address  is— 97  b,  Quadrant, 
Regent  Street,  London. 
ESTABLISHED  UPWARDS  OF  25  TEARS.— Private  and  Carriage  Entrance  in  Swallow  Street. 

THE    BEST    REMEDY    FOR    INDIGESTION. 

Are  confidently  recommended  as  a  simple 
but  certain  Remedy  for  Indigestion.  They 
act  as  a  poweiful  Tonic  and  gentle  Aperi- 
ent:   are    miid   in   their  operation ;   safe 
uuder  any  circumstances  ;  and  thousands 
of  persons  can  no*  bear  testimony  to  the 
benefits  to  be  derived  from  their  use. 
Sold  in  Bottles  at  Is.  lid.,  2s.  9  I.,  and  lis,  each,  in  every  town  in  the  kingdom. 
CAUTION— Be  sure  to  aak  for  "NORTON'S  PILLS,"  and  do  not  be  pei-su.ideii  to  purchase 
the  various  imitations. 


IE    POCKET     SIPHOHIA    DEPOT— EDMISTQIT    AHD    SON, 

role  Manufacturers  of  the  12  oz.  Waterproof  Coat  for  India,  guaranteed  not  to  be  sticky, 
no  matter  the  climate  it  is  subject  to.     From  42s.,  ail  silk  50s.  to  6.5s.     Measurement  required, 
the  length  and  size  round  the  chest.     Knapsacks  for  Tourists,  ISs.  6cZ. 
FISHING  STOCKINGS,  21s.  to  25s.  per  pair. 
5,   SHaK'a'S   -C'SOgg,   late    €9,    STRcOm 

~WQ  chakgsTmabe  foe   stamping  papeb 

41  and  ENVELOPES  with  ARMS,  CREST,  or  INITIALS.— •RODRIGUES' 
superior  eream-1  aid  adhesive  ENVELOPES,  W.  per  100;  creamlaid  note,  full-size,  five  quires 
for  ed.  •  thick  ditto,  five  quires  for  Is. ;  sunerfine  foolscap.  9s.  per  ream  •  sermon  paper,  4s.  Rd. 

WEDDING  CARDS,  WEDDING  ENVELOPES.  INVITATIONS  to  the  CEREMONY, 
DEJEUNER  and  BALL,  PRINTED  and  STAMPED  in  SILVER,  with  ARMS  or  CREST 
in  the  latest  fashion.  CARL). PLATE  ELEGANTLY  ENGRAVED  ana  100  SUPERFINE 
CARDS  PRINTED  for  -Is.  fid. 

Observe,  at  HENRY  RODRIGUES'  well-known  Establishment,  42, Piccadilly,  two  doors 
from  Saekville  Street,  W. 


T^> 


M       I 


m» 


CARRIAGE  FREE 

To  any  part  of  the  Kingdom, 

ILLUSTRATED   AND   PRICED   CATALOGUES 

Forwarded  Gratis  and  Post,  Free  on  Application. 

P.    &   S.     BEYFUS, 

91  to  95,  City  Road. 


iE    GEIi'TUU  v'E    HAIR,   OR  INVISIBLE 

&  PERUKE.— The  principle  upon  which  this  Peruke  is  made  is  so  superior  to  everything  yot 
tirodneed,  that  the  Manufacturer  Invites  the  honour  of  a  visit  from  the  Sceptic  and  the  Connoisseur  that  one  may  be 
convinced,  and  the  other  gratified,  by  inspecting  this  and  other  novel  and  beautiful  specimens  of  the  Peruqueian  Art,  at 
mtor,  if.  B-KOWNE,  47,  FENCHUKOli  STREET. 


the  Establishment  of  the  Sole  Inventor, 

F.  BROWNE'S   INFALLIBLE  MODI 

THE  HEAD. 

Round  the  Head,  in  manner  of  a  fillet,  leaving  |    As  dotted 
the  Eara  loose     ..        ..        ..        ..        ..        ..  1  to  1. 


OF   MEASURING 


Prom  the  "Forehead  over  to  the  noil,  as 
ee.ch  way  as  required   ..        ,.        ., 


deep 


From  one  Temple  to  the  other  across  the  rise 
or  Crown  of  the  Head  to  where  the  Hair  grows 


As  dotted 
S  to  2. 


As  marked 
3  to  3. 


Eighths 


yvt-w^Lt^. 


THE  CHAEGE  FOR  THIS  UNIQUE  HEAD  OF 
HAIR,  ONLY  £1  10.?. 


AMEEICAN     WAS.  -  JUST 

-*^»  Added  to  Black's  General  Atlas  of  the 
World,  a  Map  of  VIRGINIA.,  containing  the  Seat  of 
War  in  America,  and  the  places  to  which,  attention 
is  now  being  directed.  Black's  Atlas  contains  55 
Maps  beautifully  coloured,  and  an  Index  of  G5,0u0 
names.    Price  60*.  half  bound  morocco,  gilt  leaves. 

"One  of  the  most  complete  of  Modern  publica- 
tions in  this  department." — Times. 

Edinburgh:  A-  &  C.  Black,  and  all  Booksellers. 


FAMILY  TICKETS  TO  THE 

■&  WATERING  PLACES  on  the  SOUTH 
COAST  are  now  issued  by  the  LONDON, 
BRIGHTON,  and  SOUTH  COAST  RAILWAY,  to 
families  of  four  persons  and  upwards,  for  one  month 
or  e> tended  periods.  This  arrangement  comprises 
Brighton,  Portsmouth,  Ryde,  Isle  of  Wight,  Worth- 
ing, Bognor,  c^c.  See  Time  Tables.  For  Hastings, 
St.  Leonards,  and  Eastbourne,  see  separate  adver- 
tisement. Tickets  and  full  particulars  can  be 
obtained  at  the  Victoria,  London  Bridge,  and  Nor- 
wood Junction  Stations;  or  at  the  Company's  offices, 
43,  Kegent  Circus,  Piccadil'y. 


FAMILY     TICKETS     TO 

A.  HASTINGS,  ST.  LEONARDS,  and 
EASTBOURNE,  for  one  or  more  persons,  available 
for  one  month,  or  for  extended  periods,  from  Victoria, 
London  Bridge,  and  Norwood  Junction  Stations,  at 
Reduced  Fares,  are  Now  Issued  by  the  B  KIGHTON 
and  SOUTH  COAST  LINE,  on  application  at  the 
Booking  offices  at  the  above  Stations,  or  at  43,  Re- 
gent Circus,  Piccadilly. — Fares  there  and  back,  by 
all  trains,  to  Hastings  or  St.  Leonards:  25s.  first 
class,  20s.  second.  To  Eastbourne:  first  class  20s., 
second  class  14s. 

SATURDAY    TO     MONDAY 

Oa  theSHlASlDE.— RKTUR.M  TICKETS 
EVERY  SATURDAY  AFTERNOON,  at  low  fares, 
bv  the  BRIGHTON  HAIL-WAY  from  Victoria  and 
London  Bridsre  to  BR'GHION,  Hastings,  Ports- 
mouth, Worthing,  Eastbourne, &c.—  See  Timetables. 


4  -;^L 
MRESSEN(0r  JH  3 


~°  ItjriL 

PWCK11T  ^PrWW" 

OXFQ  RD-STRC  ■ ::  T. 

SYRINGES,  ENGINES, 

CREE'H  HOUSE     PUMPS, 

"J:      SWING  WA.TER  BARROWS, 

And  PATENT  FUMIGATORS.    Read.  35,  Regent 

Circus,  Piccadilly,  W.    Descriptions  post  free. 


'AHTED    CLOTHES,   UNI- 
FORMS, JEWELLERY,  &c,  of  every 

Description.    Full  Value  in  Casb  given  by  Ma.  or 
Mrs.  Davis.  2.  Crawford  Street,  Two  Doors  from 
Baker   Street,  "IV.,    and  4fi,    Marylebone  Lane,  W. 
Parcel  sent,  P.O.  Order  Remi  ted. 
Established  1800, 


f. 


W  E.    mii.njBU 

IU  Merchant  to  Her  Majesty,  Nos.  35  to 
40,  and  45,  Albemarle  Street,  and  -I,  Stafford  Street, 
Piccadilly,  London,  W.  Naval  and  Military  Messes 
supplied."  Receipts  for,  and  Compounds  of,  Ameri- 
can Drinks.  The  still  and  sparkling  Catawba.  The 
Californian  Champagne,  5ts.  per  dozen.  Red  and 
white  Hungarian  Wines,  30s.  and  upwards  per  doz. 
The  celebrated  aromatic  Scheidam  Schnapps. 
Stougblon  &  Sickles'  Bitters.  Bourbon,  Mononga- 
hela,  and  Old  Dominion  Whiskies. 


ft  g^^TTW^s-E--,  0 .... 


SIMPS01"  £r  Co.,       /  B 

Whip  Manufacturers. 
314,  Oxford  Street,  London. 
Agents.— All  Saddlers  in  every  Country  Town. 
A  large  assortment  of  the  following  GOODS  always 
in  stock:— Spurs,  dog  chains,  couples  and  collars, 
greyhound  slips,  whittles,  ferret-  bells,  dog  bells  and 
muzzles,  drinking  flasks,  Sandwich  cases,  hunting 
and  post  horns,  tourist  kegs,  birdcalls,  &c.  &c. 

POALS.-BEST  COALS  ONLY. 

V  —  (JOOKERELL  &  Co's  price  is  now  25s. 
per  Ton  casb  for  tbe  BEST  SCREENED  COALS 
as  supplied  bv  them  to  Her  Majesty.  IS.  CovilliUj 
Purfleet  Wharf,  Earl  Street,  Blackiriars.  E.G., 
Eaton  Wharf,  Grosvenor  Canal,  Piralioo,  S.W.; 
and  Sunderland  Wharf,  Peckham,  S.E. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


THE    CIVIL    WAR    IN    AMERICA 


"  Mr.  Punch,  Sib,  "  Charleston,  July  26, 1861. 

"  I  have  proposition  to  make.  Your  valuable  journal,  world 
wide  reputation,  great  influence  ought  to  have,  like  other  papers, 
Special  Correspondent  at  Seat  of  War.  I  am  the  man.  _  In  short,  War 
Correspondent  by  nature.  If  you  accept  my  offer  I  will  telegraph  my 
letters  to  St.  Johns,  N.B.,  whence  they  will  be  forwarded  to  you  via 
steamer — thus  you  will  obtain  details  ahead  of  all  rivals.  Of  course 
in  sending  communications  over  the  wires,  I  must  be  as  concise  as 
possible,  to  save  time  and  expense,  which  may  produce  a  certain  twitch- 
mess  of  style,  to  this  however  you  may  not  object.  Accompanying- 
letter  specimen  of  my  style  : — 

"  Am  now  in  Charleston,  very  centre  of  Secessionism.  Was  told  in 
North  I  should  be  able  to  get  neither  lodging  nor  food  in  this  city ; 
How  absurdly  things  are  exaggerated  at  distance.  Found  little  or  no 
difficulty  in  securing  fair  portion  of  billiard  table  on  which  I  sleep  quite 
comfortably;  a  little  inconvenient  in  the  morning,  to  be  sure,  when 
they  commence  pool,  for  although  they  have  no  right  to  play  at  my  end 
before  7  o'clock,  still  it  is  almost  impossible  to  prevent  balls  flying 
about  occasionally.  Gentleman,  this  morning  made  winning  hazard  off 
back  of  my  head,  but  they  would  not  let  it  count,  which  I  was  not 
sorry  for  on  whole,  stroke  unintentional  I  know,  but  billiard  balls 
hard,  and  human  nature  weak,  particularly  about  lower  part  back  of 
head.  As  for  food  live  on  clover,  or  something  confoundedly  like  it, 
call  it  gumbo,  have  v  it  three  times  a-day.  Yesterday  dined  off  split 
chicken,  looked  like  arms  of  Austria  broiled.  For  breakfast  they  serve 
us  species  of  vulcanised  pancake,  known  I  think  (mind,  only  think,  so 
if  mistaken  do  not  set  me  down  as  another  Mr.  Arrowroot,  of  Times 
correspondence  notoriety),  known  I  think,  as  corn-dodgers,  or  flap-jack. 
One  elastic  substance  served  up  with  treacle,  so  as  to  resemble  blister, 
is  I  know  called  Buckwheat  cake. 

"  To-day  witnessed  one  of  institutions  of  country  in  its  most 
striking  aspect.  Public  Bar  Boom  at  Free  Lunch  time.  Most 
Drinking-saloons  of  any  eminence,  spread  lunch  table  from  11  to  1 
o'clock,  every  one  who  chooses  comes  in,  eats  as  much  as  he  likes,  and 
pays  nothing.  About  12  o'clock  dropt  into  '  Gem,'  great  crowd  people 
there,  eating,  drinking,  smoking,  talking.  Large  table  set  out,  boiled 
beef,  oyster  soup,  gumbo,  dried  fish,  cheese,  crackers,  and  bread.  Gen- 
tlemanly barkeeper  mixing  drinks  in  highly  artistic  manner,  pouring- 
liquid  from  one  tumbler  to  another  in  parabolic  curve  over  his  head. 


General  hum  of  conversation,  in  which  the  words  '  Secession,'  '  South- 
ern Confederation.'  '  No  how  you  can  fix  it,'  '  that  long,  slab-sided, 
nigger-stealing  son  of  a  gun,  Abe  Lincoln.'  'No  sirree  hoss  ! '  most 
frequently  heard.  Shuffling  of  feet,  clinking  of  ice  in  huge  pitchers,  &c. 
Works  of  Art  adorn  walls— female  figures  in  high  style  of  undress 
most  patronised.  Spittoons  as  large  as  bushel  baskets  generously  dis- 
tributed over  marble  floor,  easy  chairs  in  all  directions— gentlemen 
sitting  on  shoulder-blades.  Accompanying  drawing  faithful  repre- 
sentation of  scene.  .  . 

"  Charleston  picturesque  old  city— quite  classic  ground— has  a  ruin 
somewhere— powder-mill  blown  up  several  years  ago.  People  of 
Charleston  talk  about  their  antiquities— one  house  eighty  years  old. 
Several  fine  hotels,  two  or  three  excellent  churches,  and  very  nice 
arsenal.  Voluminous  market  place,  well  supplied  with  okra,  squash, 
pumpkins,  peanuts,  pop  corn,  yams,  squirrels,  robins,  clams,  &c. 
Mutton  and  beef  not  very  abundant,  South  Carolina  having  seceded 
from  butcher's  meat.  City  Hall  a  neat  little  edifice.  Post  Ottice 
somewhere  in  church.  There  is  good  deal  of  sea,  and  bay,  and  water 
of  one  kind  and  another  round  about,  with  several  forts  in  it  and  on  it, 
Good  esplanade,  called  White  Point  Garden- walks  macadamised  with 
peppermint  lozenges,  or  sea-shells,  don't  know  which,  anyway  beautiful 
effect.  .  .  , 

"  State  of  Society,  generally,  very  much  disorganised.  Bodies  armed 
men  patrol  streets  all  night,  Everyone  armed  to  teeth,  it  they  have 
teeth;  very  often  have  not  in  this  country,  m  which  case,  armed  to 
upper  lip  or  organ  of  philoprogenitiveness.  Have  been  arrested  five 
times,  brought  before  vigilance  committee,  suspicious  character;  who 
Was  I  ?  where  did  I  come  from  ?  &c.  &c.  Stated  was  personal  friend 
of  Mr.  Piinch,  Special  Correspondent— All  right,  let  off  immediately. 
Mr.  Punch  greatly  respected  here,  next  to  General  Washington^     _ 

"  Attended  grand  caucus  last  night— great  demonstration.  Princi- 
pal speaker  burst  all  buttons  off  shirt  front,  said  if  Northern  States 
would  oidy  contract  to  carry  the  mails  as  usual,  and  supply  them  with 
ice,  poultry,  hay,  and  firearms,  South  Carolina  would  never  surrender, 
rather  perish  !  Patriot's  grave  better  far  than  something  else— patriot's 
everything  better  than  everything  else,  nothing  like  patriots,  in  tact 
everymannot  patriot  ought  to  have  his  head  punched  (or  words  to 
that  effect).  Agreeably  surprised  at  dignity  and  decorum  with  which 
meeting  was  conducted— only  one  fight,  and  that  attended  with  no 
fatal  results— wounded  man  walked  down  street  next  day,  expected  to 


VOL.  XLI. 


64 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[August  17,  1861. 


recover.  Southerners  certainly  very  gentlemanly  men,  should  feel  more 
at  ease  in  their  society  if  they  didn't  carry  quite  so  many  bowie  knives 
about,  don't  see  how  they  manage  it.  I  only  wear  two,  one  up  my  back, 
other  down  leg  of  pants',  and  small  revolver  in  breast  pocket,  still  find 
it  inconvenient  in  sitting  down,— feel  as  if  I  had  received  ticket  to 
Orthopedic  Institution,  and  been  very  thoroughly  treated. 

"  However,  I  hope  to  avoid  any  unpleasant  feeling  by  carefully  con- 
forming to  customs  of  country,  am  conforming  continually,  consequence 
is,  am  becoming  very  popular— great  number  of  distinguished  persons 
already  call  me  Jim— drink  with  every  one ;  this  morning  took  two 
'stone  walls'  and  a  'General  Jackson'  before  breakfast.  After 
breakfast  met  Judge  King,  invited  me  to  '  smile,'  and  we  smiled ;  pre- 
sently joined  by  Deacon  Mason,  smiled  again  (in  this  land  you  can 
smile  and  smile,  and  not  be  a  villain),  result  was,  I  drank  three  '  brandy 
cocktails,'  two  '  gin  slings,'  one  '  buttered  rum,'  and  a  '  moral  suasion ' 
by  lunch  time ;  obliged  to  do  it  in  order  to  maintain  social  position. 
Find  am  getting  very  popular ;  met  Governor  Pickens  to-day,  offered 
me  post  of  Judge  of  Supreme  Court,  '  when  things  got  fixed  up  a  bit ; ' 
informed  him  I  knew  nothing  of  law.  replied  it  was  of  'no  conse- 
quence,' '  had  I  common  sens*? '  I  thought  I  had  ;  he  considered  that 
quite  sufficient,  I  was  'just  the  man  they  wanted.' 

"  Negroes  less  prevalent  than  I  anticipated,  not  very  industrious 
class  of  people,  seem  to  occupy  themselves  chiefly  sitting  on  barrels, 
corroding  large  ears  of  boiled  com,  exhibiting  rows  of  teeth  that  look 
like  keys  of  piano.  Dreadful  fall  in  niggers  recently  (will  rise  by-and- 
by,  I  suspect).  'Niggers  aint  worth  half  what  they  ayos,'  _ general 
sentiment.  Head  waiter  at  hotel  weeping  bitterly  at  breakfast,  inquired 
cause ;  told  me  he  had  suffered  severe  pecuniary  loss,  three  months 
ago  was  worth  fifteen  huudred  dollars,  now  would  not  sell  for  more 
than  seven  hundred.  Tree  niggers  go  about  streets  trying  to  sell  them- 
selves in  order  to  realise  before  civil  war  breaks  out.  My  opinion  is, 
there  will  be  no  secession  for  long.  North  will  cut  off  supply  of  ice, 
Southerners  will  have  none  to  make  mint  jideps,  whole  South  in  a 
state  of  Ancient  Marnier,  have  to  cave  in,  and  there  will  be  an  end 
of  this  estrapede.  Once  more  Eagle  will  _  soar  above  prostrate  body 
of  defeated  anarchy.    Lion  will  lie  down  with  lamb,  everything  O.K.* 

"  Talking  of  customs  of  country,  I  wish  you  would  publish  accom- 
panying portrait  of  Colonel  Bronze,  gentlemanly  proprietor  of 
Pavilion  Hotel.  Also  portraits  of  Jim  Snookenback,  gentlemanly 
barkeeper,  and  Mr.  Kelly,  gentlemanly  porter  of  hotel.  These  little 
attentions  quite  usual,  I  assure  you,  custom  of  country.  Hope  you 
will  not  allow  yourself  to  be  influenced  by  any  absurd  preconceived 
prejudices  against  puffing,  if  so  it  will  seriously  embarrass  private 
arrangements  of 

"  Yours,  «  Gorilla." 

[We  have  received  ]376  applications  from  gentlemen  residing  in  America,  each 
applicant  offering  to  become  our  War  Correspondent.  We  will  see  about  it :  but  at 
the  same  time  it  is  doubtful  whether  we  shall  want  any  War  Correspondent  until 
there  is  a  war. — Ed.  Punch.'] 


PUNCH'S    ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

A  Storm  of  £10  notes  set  in  with  unprecedented  severity  immediately 
upon  the  appearance  of  Mr.  Punch's  intimation  that  the  reason  why  he 
cut  short  his  Parliamentary  narrative  last  week  might  be  learned  by 
means  of  such  enclosures.  It  woidd  be  manifestly  unjust  to  his  cor- 
respondents did  he  publicly  reveal  a  secret  which  they  were  invited  to 
purchase ;  but  for  the  satisfaction  of  posterity  he  has  prepared  a  memo- 
randum of  the  facts,  and  has  deposited  it  in  the  Record  Office,  where  it 
may  be  inspected  any  clay  between  10  and  4  after  the  1st  January,  1899. 
The  Index  word  is  "  Weyze-Goose." 

The  concluding  days  of  the  Session  offered  little  that  deserves  immor- 
talisation. The  Lord  Chancellor  took  an  opportunity  of  informing 
the  Lords  that  the  Bankruptcy  Bill,  with  all  its  mutilations,  woidd  be 
of  great  service  to  the  commercial  world,  and  that  he  had  no  doubt  the 
Chief  Judge  clause  would  be  introduced  in  the  next  Session.  Lord 
Palmerston  stated  that  he  did  not  think  that  the  Spaniards  meant  to 
retain  permanent  possession  of  Tetuan,  but  that  he  believed  they  were 
using  it  only  as  a  screw  to  get  money  out  of  the  Moors.  He  also 
expressed  himself  very  strongly  upon  the  atrocities  of  the  brigands  of 
Naples,  and  hoped  that  "  those  wretches  would  shortly  meet  with  their 
just  punishment "  notwithstanding  that  they  were  sent  out  from  "  the 
holy  city  of  Rome."  Lord  Shaetesbury  finished  his  work  for  the 
Session  by  one  of  those  deeds  which  incline  Punch  often  to  forgive  Mm 
for  his  spnitual  tyranny  over  Lord  Palmeeston  in  the  bishop-making 
department.  He  obtained  an  address  for  inquiry  into  the  condition  of 
the  children  who  are  employed  in  a  variety  of  trades  that  do  not  come 
under  the  action  of  existing  restrictions.  And  when  it  is  known  that  in 
some  of  these  trades  hrfants  of  four  and  five  years  old  are  worked 
twelve  and  fourteen  hours  a  day,  it  will  be  thought  that  it  is  almost 
time  to  protect  them  against  the  greed  of  parents  and  of  emploj-ers. 
The  Galway  business  was  again  brought  forward,  and  Lord  Palmer- 

*  O.K.  in  the  American  language,  stands  for  "  all  correct, "  or   "\ml  korrect." 


ston  thought  that  much  was  to  be  said  in  favour  of  giving  the  Company 
another  chance.  He  has  made  the  discovery  that  Galway  is,  geogra- 
phically, the  most  central  port  in  the  West  of  Ireland,  and  so  forth. 
The  Government  is  unpopular  in  the  green  isle,  and  if  a  dissolution 
should  now  take  place,  the  Tories  would  grab  a  good  many  seats.  But 
the  Prince's  visit,  to  be  followed  by  one  from  the  Queen,  and  the 
announcement  that  the  claims  of  Galway  will  be  favourably  regarded, 
may  do  something  for  the  Administration,  and  the  Constable  (who  by 
the  way  is  shortly  to  be  presented  with  his  staff  upon  the  Heights)  is 
wide  awake  to  the  exigencies  of  the  crisis.  To  another  and  more  im- 
portant exigency  he  also  proposes  to  show  himself  equal.  The  States 
whose  forces  sustained  on  the  Eighth  Sunday  after  Trinity,  last  past, 
the  most  remarkable  defeat  that  has  been  inflicted  on  soldiers  since 
America  was  discovered,  have  devised  a  curious  administrative  plan. 
They  declare  blockades  of  ports,  but  propose  to  levy  customs  by  means 
of  ships  that  are  to  sail  out  and  intercept  customers.  This  is  a  bit  of 
bold  ingenuity,  but  Lord  Palmerston  is  blind  to  its  cleverness, 
declares  it  preposterous,  and  will  not  permit  English  vessels  to  recog- 
nise the  absurdity.  We  may  hear  more  of  this  difference  of  opinion 
between  a  Premier  and  a  President. 

There  has  not  been  much  else  worth  note,  and  the  Commons,  like 
the  audience  in  other  theatres,  were  played  out  with  a  stupid  farce. 
Mr.  Scully  had  began  a  speech  on  the  wrongs  of  Lelaud,  when  he 
was  shut  up  by  the  Black  Rod,  on 

Tuesday,  August  &h,  Prince  Alfred's  birthday,  when  Prince 
Alfred's  Mamma  sent  the  following  message,  which  was  delivered 
in  the  silver  tones  of  the  new  Lord  Chancellor: 

My  Lords  and  Gentlemen, 

The  Session  done, 
You  have  your  Queen's  free  leave  to  cut  and  run : 
Eor  services,  from  all  degrees  and  ranks, 
Your  Sovereign  tenders  you  her  heartiest  thanks. 

With  foreign  powers  she 's  on  good  terms,  just  now, 
And  trusts  there  '11  be  no  European  row. 

Italia  has  elected  to  unite 

Under  King  Victor's  sway.    May  all  go  right ! 

In  Yankeedom  is  raised  the  battle-cry  : 
We  mean  to  put  no  finger  in  that  pie. 

The  Powers  have  quashed  that  horrid  Syrian  riot, 
Withdrawn  their  troops,  and  hope  for  peace  and  quiet 

India 's  improving  hugely,  and  expresses 
Hope  to  be  lifted  from  financial  messes. 

Beloved  Commons, 

Thankfully  is  noted 
The  willingness  with  which  the  Tin  was  voted. 

My  Lords  and  Gentlemen, 

The  Queen  reveres 
The  noble  spirit  of  the  Yolunteers. 

Gladly  she  wills  the  measure  that  allots 
The  forfeit  seats  of  two  most  wicked  spots. 

Gladly  she  wills  the  Bill  (my  Bill)  that  deals 
Justice  where  now  the  Bankrupt  Harpy  steals. 

And  gladly  welcomes  (not  before  its  time) 
Consolidation  of  the  Law  of  Crime. 

Henceforth,  the  Indian  with  well-tutored  mind 
May  serve  his  Sovereign  in  the  East,  he  '11  find. 

You've  treated  properly,  the  Queen  is  sure, 
Harbours ;  and  Sea  Tolls ;  and  the  Settled  Poor. 

Nor  can  She  pass  unmarked  the  striking  fact 
That  you  have  passed  a  decent  Drainage  Act. 

Pleased,  she  beholds  throughout  her  wide  domain 
Order,  contentment,  and  obedience  reign. 

Now  to  your  Counties.    Do  your  duties  there, 
(The  Speech  concluded  with  the  usual  prayer.) 

Then  the  great  Punch,  with  quiet  smile,  drew  out  his  golden  pen, 
Jotted  these  diamond  paragraphs,  admired  of  gods  and  men; 
Then  called  unto  Peelides,  "Ho,  William  Gladstone,  ho ! 
Bring  me  a  quart  of  claret,  man,  the  wine  thou  vauntest  so." 
The  wine  was  brought  by  Gladstone,  and  the  cup  was  held  by  Pam, 
And  the  new  Earl,  John  Russell,  begged  permission  to  stand  Sam, 
Which  Punch,  the  ever-affable,  gave  Johnny  leave  to  do, 
And  bade  Sir  Roundell  Palmer  show  his  science  Avith  the  Screw. 
Out  blobbed  the_cork,  out  gurgled  fast  the  wine  so  fresh  and  coob 
"  Who  loves  not  woman,  wine,  and  song,"  saith  Luther,  "  is  a  fool." 
This  quoted  Punch,  then  heaving  up  the  goblet,  with  a  wink, 
(The  beaded  bubbles  winking,  too,  upon  the  purpled  brink), 
'  I'd  drink."  he  cried,  "  to  Woman,  and  I  'a  sing  to  her  beside, 
'But  at  this  present  speaking  I  am  better  occupied.' 


August  17,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


Then  throwing  back  his  Jove-like  head,  the  proud  Immortal  poured 

Adown  his  throat  the  wine  which  like  a  mountain  cataract  roared, 

Nor  paused  he  till  the  goblet  he  reared  loftily  on  high, 

Reversed,  had  turned  its  bottom  to  the  everlasting  sky. 

Some  drops  remained,  which  Punch,  whose  wit  no  coarseness  e  er  may  sully, 

Elung  as  libation  in  the  face  of  Mb,.  Vincent  Scully.    _ 

Then  with  a  condescending  nod  that  filled  their  hearts  with  glee 

(Such  power  have  the  Celestials),  "  Ha,  I  'm  better  boys,"  said  he. 

"  Here  shuts  the  Session's  chronicle,  here  ends  the  Tale  ot  lalk, 

The  sixth  of  August  is  a  day  I  mark  with  whitest  chalk, 

And  truly  glad  am  I  to  think  that  with  these  words  is  Done 

The  Essence  of  the  Parliament  op  Eighteen  Sixty  One/' 


FINERY  IN  THE  KITCHEN. 

We  lately  called  attention  to  the  fact  that  English  maid- 
servants have  not  the  very  best  of  education  in  the  world, 
and  that  ladies  would  do  well,  when  they  engage  a  pretty 
china-breaker,  to  ascertain  that  she  has  not  been  a  pupil 
at  a  day-school,  where  more  regard  is  paid  to  Crinoline 
than  cleanliness,  and  where  pocket  handkerchiefs  are  held 
of  less  account  than  peacock-feathered  porkpie  hats.  This 
mania  for  fine  dresses  is  a  sadly  growing  evil,  and  ill- 
educated  minds  of  course  are  most  affected  by  it.  Many 
a  servant  squanders  her  savings  in  cheap  finery,  and_  spends 
on  Sunday  shawls  and  bonnets  what  would  well  nigh  fur- 
nish her  a  cottage  when  she  married,  or  at  least  afford 
some  shelter  against  a  rainyday.  Instead  of  having  fore- 
thought for  feathering  their  nests,  girls  too  _  often  only 
think  of  feathering  themselves,  and  oy  dressing  far  too 
finely  for  their  station,  they  affright  the  homely  lovers 
they  are  anxious  to  attract. 

How  far  ladies  are  to  blame  for  the  finery  and  aped 
gentility  of  servants,  is  a  question  which,  if  asked,  stands 
little  chance  of  being  answered,  except  by  misogynic 
monsters  who  are  ungallant  enough  to  sneer  at  the  fair  sex. 
Woman,  say  the  cynics,  is  an  imitative  animal,  and  if  a 
servant  sees  her  mistress  extravagant  in  dress  she  herself 
becomes  infected  with  the  mania,  and  makes  herself  ridi- 
culous by  giving  it  full  vent.  Having  neither  taste  nor 
money  to  turn  it  to  advantage,  she  takes  a  leaf  out  of  the 
fashion  book  on  which  her  mistress  pins  her  faith;  and 
walks  out  of  a  Sunday  like  a  daw  in  peacock's  plumage,  or 
a  Swelless  in  burlesque. 

Of  course,  except  to  Tyrant  Eashion,  Britons  and 
Britonesses  never  never  will  be  slaves  :  and  now-a-days  our 
servants  are  by  far  too  independent  to  submit  to  any  law 
for  their  sumptuary  restraint.  It  is  a  pity,  nevertheless, 
that  we  have  not  a  national  costume  for  our  domestics,  as 
we  have  for  our  Queen's  Ministers  and  servants  of  the 
State.  Our  pretty  china-breakers  would  look  a  vast  deal 
prettier  in  suitable  attire,  than  they  do  now  in  mock 
millinery  and  Brummagem  glass  brooches,  and  cheap  cotton 
imitations  of  costly  foreign  silks. 


PLAY 


We  women  live  for  each  other— that  is,  for  the  love  of 
criticism  of  each  other. 


SWER    TO    CORRESPONDENTS. 

Some  years  ago,  English  notions  of  expediency  induced  the  authorities 
of  London  to  execute  a  certain  Scottish  gentleman  of  title.  Since  that 
time  opinions  have  been  a  good  deal  modified,  and  the  individual  in 
question  is  now  regarded  as  a  patriot,  not  only  in  his  own  country,  but 
in  that  of  the  posterity  of  those  who  put  him  to  death.  There  the 
matter  might  have  rested,  unanimous  sentence  being  given  in  favoin-  of 
the  deceased,  and  his  place  in  history  being  assigned  him.  He  was  a 
very  brave,  rather  ferocious,  and  occasionally  successful  retarder  of  the 
process  of  amalgamation  which  has  fused  Scotland  and  England  into 
the  single  nation  which  now  leads  the  World.  However,  certain  Scots 
think  that  more  ought  to  be  done,  and  have  resolved  on  erecting  a 
memorial  tower  to  the  personage  in  question.  This  is  then  affair,  and 
not  that  of  the  southern  portion  of  the  island.  Mr.  Punch  might  not 
have  alluded  to  the  business  at  all,  but  from  his  having  received  a 
great  number  of  letters  from  Scotland,  a  few  of  a  taunting  character, 
but  not  amusing  enough  to  be  reprinted,  while  the  large  majority  call 
on  him  as  a  Brither  Scot  to  "  walk  into  this  absurdity."  Now,  he 
cannot  exactly  walk  into  it,  because  it  is  not  yet  built,  and  for  the 
reason  above-mentioned,  he  does  not  intend  to  walk  into  the  artificers. 
He  prefers  to  let  justice  be  done  in  the  matter  by  Scotsmen  themselves. 
Ho!  doomster! 

He  answers  his  correspondents  from  the  Land  of  Cakes  by  the 
following  paragraphs.  They  are  written  in  Edinburgh,  and  published 
in  Inverness,  so  may  be  taken  as  the  sentiments  of  the  Capital  of  the 
Lowlands,  and  of  the  Capital  of  the  Highlands : — 

"  Stands  Scotland  where  it  did?  Has  it  been  raised  on  the  wings  of  patriotic 
enthusiasm  high  into  the  empyrean,  into  the  seventh  heaven,  or  has  it  merely 
reached,  through  the  efforts  of  a  few  busybodies,  the  lowest  elevation  known  as  a 
fool's  paradise?  Nothing  is  more  surprising  than  the  realisation  of  the  so-called 
'  National '  Wallace  Monument,  for  I  have  never  yet  seen  or  heard  of  anybody  who 
approves  of  it,  except,  of  course,  Dr.  Rogers.  Everybody  seems  to  laugh  at  and 
ridicule  the  affair,  yet  a  large  sum  of  money  has  been  scraped  together,  and  the 
wonder  is  not  that  the  amount  is  small,  for  even  so  poor  a  nation  as  the  Scotch,  but 
that  so  much  should  have  been  screwed  together  by  a  few  eager  enthusiasts,  who 
have  as  much  right  to  be  considered  representatives  of  the  nation  as  the  three 
Tooley  Street  tailors.  It  has  always  been  a  marvel  to  me  that  the  good  sense  of  the 
people  has  not  arisen  to  strangle  in  its  birth  this  most  ridiculous  of  ridiculous  mice. 
There  seems  to  be  no  one  felicitous  or  redeeming  feature  in  the  case — the  idea,  the 


site,  the  proceedings  throughout,  all  seem  equally  unhappy.  The  idea  seems  on  all 
hands  admitted  to  be  a  useless  mistake,  and  the  localisation  of  the  idea  is  perhaps 
the  greatest  part  of  the  mistake.  To  be  national,  the  monument  (if  monument 
there  must  be)  should  have  been  grander  in  conception,  and  conducted  by  more 
influential  hands — by  a  body  which  really  would  have  represented  the  Scottish 
nation,  and  not  only  the  Stirling  portion  of  it." 

In  another  article  the  same  unshrinking  writer  alludes  to  the^  cere 
monial  of  the  laying  the  first  stone.  He, speaks  of  "that  magnificent 
piece  of  tomfoolery,  the  Wallace  monument," 

"  Begun  amidst  all  the  petty  festive  demonstrations  of  country  masonic  lodges 
and  free  gardenei-s.  This  gigantic  mistake  and  useless  commemoration  is  much 
more  likely  to  cause  the  lion  to  turn  pale  that  all  the  sneers  of  the  Times.  A  noted 
denouncer  of  humbug,  whose  signature  of  'Randolph'  is  well  kown  to  readers  of 
the  Scotsman  as  a  sure  token  of  something  at  once  racy,  picturesque,  and  sensible, 
suggests  that  the  Wallace  Monument  should  be  immediately  followed  by  erections 
to  the  memory  of  Noah  on  Mount  Ararat,  and  of  Nebuchadnezzar  on  the  irrigated 
meadows  near  this  city !  Those  personages  he  conceives  to  stand  in  need  of  com- 
memoration as  much  as  Wallace." 

And  the  Scotsman,  as  even  southern  readers  need  hardly  be  informed, 
is  the  Edinburgh  journal  which  expresses  Scottish  opinion  in  the  most 
reliable  manner.  Mr.  Punch  may  therefore  conclude,  first,  that  he  has 
completely  answered  his  Correspondents,  and  concludes,  secondly,  his 
respectful  reply  by  a  quotation  from  a  great  English  poet : — 

"  Ye  Powers  wha  mak'  mankind  your  care, 
And  dish  them  out  their  bill  of  fare, 
Auld  Scotland  wants  na  skinkhng  ware." 


In  Onane  Volubilis. 


"  Mr.  Scully,  amidst  cries  of  '  Oh,  Oh  !'  was  then  proceeding  to  draw  attention  1 
to  the  condition  of  Ireland  when  he  was  interrupted  by  the  black-rod."— 'Times,  I 
Aug.  6. 

What  !  you  would  have  the  last  word,  my  Scully, 
Till  Clifford's  black- rod  stopped  your  clack  ! 

What  a  pitv,  my  true  Irish  Tully, 

That  the'rod  wasn't  "birch,"  'stead  of  "black." 


What  the  Accounts  of  the   Battle  of  Manassas  should  ee 
Written  on. — Elying  Sheets  ! 


66 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAHIVARI. 


[August  17,  1861. 


A    MICE    GAME    FOR    TWO    OR    MORE. 

Fixing  her  Eyes  on  his,  and  placing  her  pretty  little  Foot  on  the  Ball,  she  said,  'Now,  then,  I  am  going  to  Croquet 
you  ! '  and  Croquet'd  he  was  completely."    {From  Rose  to  Emily.) 


Yankee  Doodle  went  to  war, 

On  his  little  pony, 
What  did  he  go  fighting  for, 

Everlasting  goney ! 
Yankee  Doodle  was  a  chap 

Who  bragged  and  swore  tarnation, 
He  stnck  a  feather  hi  his  cap, 

And  called  it  Federation. 

Yankee  Doodle,  &c. 

Yankee  Doodle,  he  went  forth 

To  conquer  the  Seceders, 
All  the  journals  of  the  North, 

In  most  ferocious  leaders, 
Breathing  slaughter,  fire,  and  smoke, 

Especially  the  latter, 
His  rage  and  fury  to  provoke, 

And  vanity  to  flatter. 

Yankee  Doodle,  &e. 

Yankee  Doodle,  having  floored, 

His  separated  brothers, 
He  reckoned,  his  victorious  sword 

Would  turn  against  us  others. 
Secession  first  he  would  put  clown 

Wholly  and  for  ever ; 
And  afterwards,  from  Britain's  crown, 

He  Canada  woidd  sever. 

Yankee  Doodle,  &c. 

England  offering  neutral  sauce 
To  goose  as  well  as  gander, 

Was  what  made  Yankee  Doodle  cross, 
And  did  inflame  his  dander. 


THE  BUN  EROM  MANASSAS  JUNCTION, 

As  though  with  choler  drunk,  he  fumed, 
And  threatened  vengeance  martial, 

Because  Old  England  had  presumed 
To  steer  a  course  impartial. 
Yankee  Doodle,  &c. 

Yankee  Doodle  bore  in  mind, 

When  warfare  England  harassed, 
How  he,  unfriendly  and  unkind, 

Beset  her,  and  embarrassed  ■ 
He  put  himself  in  England's  place, 

Aud  thought  this  injured  nation 
Must  view  his  trouble  with  a  base 

Vindictive  exultation. 

Yankee  Doodle,  &c. 

We  for  North  and  South  alike 

Entertain  affection ; 
These  for  negro  Slavery  strike : 

Those  for  forced  Protection. 
Yankee  Doodle  is  the  Pot ; 

Southerner  the  Kettle : 
Equal  morally,  if  not 

Men  of  equal  mettle. 

Yankee  Doodle,  &c. 

Yankee  Doodle,  near  Bull's  Run, 

Met  his  adversary; 
First  he  thought  the  fight  he'd  won : 

Fact  proved  quite  contrary. 
Panic-struck  he  fled,  with  speed 

Of  lightning  glib  with  unction 
Of  slippery  grease,  in  full  stampede, 

From  famed  Manassas  Junction. 
Yankee  Doodle,  &c. 


As  he  bolted,  no  ways  slow, 

Yankee  Doodle  holloaed 
"  We  are  whipped !  "  and  fled,  although 

No  pursuer  followed. 
Sword  and  gun  right  slick  he  threw 

Both  away  together. 
In  his  cap,  to  public  view, 

Showiug  the  white  feather. 
Yankee  Doodle,  &c. 

Yankee  Doodle,  Doodle,  Do, 

Whither  are  you  flying, 
"  A  cocked-hat  we  've  been  licked  into, 

And  knocked  to  Hades,"  crying? 
Well,  to  Canada,  Sir-ree, 

Now  that,  by  Secession, 
I  am  driven  up  a  tree, 

To  seize  that  there  possession. 
Yankee  Doodle,  &c. 

Yankee  Doodle,  be  content, 

You  've  had  a  lenient  whipping ; 
Court  not  further  punishment 

By  enterprise  of  stripping 
Those  neighbours,  whom  if  you  assail, 

They  '11  surely  whip  yon  hollow ; 
Moreover,  when  you  've  turned  your  tail, 

Won't  hesitate  to  follow. 

Yankee  Doodle,  &c. 


The  First  Thing  that  Meets  the  Eyes 
op  a  Traveller  on  his  Return  Home. — The 
sight  of  a  Bill. 


© 

rt- 

13* 

CD 

© 

►■* 
SO 
crc* 

CD 
O 

5? 

CD 
CD 

•-■  hd 

cO 


►■* 
o 

p" 


aH 

£-'    lJ 

CD        ' J 

p.  o 

«rt- 

CD        ^J 

|j  Pn 

o 
en 

CO 

CD        /— S 

z  > 

?  |> 

ts     • 
p 
P-. 
p 


CD 

k! 

o 

W 

CD 
•-S 
P 


August  17,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


69 


THE  GENERALISSIMO  OE  THE  RUSSIAN  EQRCES. 

The  subjoined  alarming  piece  of  intelligence  is  contained  in  a  letter 
from  Constantinople : — 

"  I  may  mention,  however,  that  whilst  General  Ignatieff  is  thus  diplomatising 
on  the  Bosphorus,  letters  from  Jassy  report  that  his  colleague  in  arms.  General 
Grabb,  has  moved  as  far  down  as  Skolanga,  on  the  Prath,  with  an  efficient  force  of 
12,000  men,  comprising  infancy,  cavalry,  and  artillery." 

Of  all  the  Generals  in  the  Russian  service,  the  most  redoubtable  is 
General  Grabb.  He  is  also  the  oldest.  Peter  the  Great,  when 
he  made  his  celebrated  will,  appointed  General  Grabb  Ms  executor. 
It  was  really  General  Grabb  who  directed  the  operations  of  the  Russian 
army  which  crossed  the  Pruth  seven  years  ago,  and  began  the  war 
which  ended  in  the  Crimea.  This  distinguished  veteran  was_  highly 
regarded  by  the  Emperor  Nicholas,  who  never  took  any  political  or 
military  step  without  consulting  General  Grabb.  It  is  true  that 
I  Alexander  the  Second  is  reported  to  be  a  pacific  sovereign,  but 
knowing  what  are  the  traditions  of  Russian  policy,  we  cannot  but 
regard  with  considerable  apprehension  any  movement  on  the  Pruth 
which  is  directed  by  General  Grabb,  whose  name  is  synonymous  with 
annexation,  and  the  seizure  of  territory,  and  everything  else  that  he  is 
able  to  lay  hold  of. 


sterner  order  with  these  Museum  Snobs.    Why  should  their  selfishness 
make  their  betters  uncomfortable  ? 

So,  O  Panizzi,  Mr.  Punch  taketh  counsel  of  the  Coin  and  Medal 
Department,  and  lo  and  behold  the  result ! 


A    MEDAL    FOR    THE    MUSEUM. 

"  Speech  is  Silver,  but  Silence  is  Golden."  Students,  not  being 
as  a  general  rule  much  acquainted  with  the  precious  metals,  may 
not  feel  the  full  force  of  this  Oriental  saying.  Yet  doth  Mr.  Punch 
recommend  his  friend  Mr.  Panizzi  to  have  the  line  engraven,  _  in 
extremely  legible  characters,  upon  the  tables  of  the  grand  Reading 
Pavilion  in  the  Museum.  Let  it  be  written  upon  the  screen  which 
severs  the  reader  from  his  opposite  neighbour,  let  the  words  be  so 
placed  that  they  shall  perpetually  Strike  the  Eye  of  a  talker,  thereby 
doing  what  his  neighbour,  persecuted  by  chatter,  desires  to  do  hi 
another  manner,  studied  in  the  Alexandrian  school — that  of  Alec 
Reed. 

Our  Reading  Pavilion  is  a  great  thing,  and  a  comfort  to  the  Literary 
soid,  and  more  dear  unto  it  than  Young  Memnon,  or  the  Splitting 
Giraffe,  or  the  Fossd  Man,  or  the  Stone  Tortoise,  or  even  the,  Eour 
Thousand  Guinea  Theseus.  The  room  is  a  room  wherein  Mr.  Punch 
"hath  a  delight  to  sit,"  for  it  is  "an  open  room,  and  good  for 
winter,"  and  also  for  summer.  And  the  lady-readers,  now  that  they 
keep  themselves  to  the  Quartier  Crinoline,  and  bring  not  then  bright 
glances  "to  disturb  stem  research,  are  an  ornament  to  the  rotunda,  and 
a  softening  of  the  atmosphere  thereof.  Many  more  things  coidd  Mr. 
Punch  indite  in  honour  ot  that  delectable  abyss  of  lore,  and  of  him  who 
boldly  and  nobly  seized  the  Quadrangle,  reversed  the  problem,  Circled 
the  Square,  and  fortified  the  Quadrilateral  against  all  attempts  to  take 
it  for  mummies,  dried  fish,  moonstones,  south-sea  island  clubs,  coal- 
lumps,  crocodiles,  tertiary  strata,  and  other  instructive  matters,  beside 
which  tired  and  listless  children  are  dragged,  and  drag  their  weary 
little  feet,  and  would  gladly  babble  o'  green  fields  if  they  were  not  afraid 
of  haying  their  ears  boxed.  But  it  is  not  now  that  Mr.  Punch  hath  to 
speak  in  praise ;  save  by  implication,  which  indeed  is  the  delicatest  form 
of  praise,  though  the  coarse  puffing  of  the  present  age  knoweth  it  not. 

But  by  St.  Cadmus,  0  Panizzi,  we  must  take  order  with  these 
chattering  Nuisances  that  infest  our  temple  of  study.    The  complaints  ! 
we  hear  of  them  are  grievous. 

Mr.  Punch,  sitting  in  one  of  your  easy  chairs  with  the  noiseless  castors, 
hath,  perhaps,  a  dozen  books  called  as  witnesses  before  him,  and  he  is  - 
busily  hearing  them  all,  and  comparing  the  evidence  of  one  with  another,  ! 
and  noting  whether  a  difference  in  testimony  is  material  or  trivial,  and  I 
whether  it  occur  in  an  early  or  a  late  edition,  and  heeding  whether  he  is 
taking  the  testimony  of  a  thoughtful  recorder,  or  only  of  some  slovenly 
and  slavish  compiler,  booksellers'  hack,  and  he  has  to  keep  his  attention 
wide  awake,  lest  hi  making  up  judgment  he  mislead  the  millions  who 
rely  on  his  acumen  and  candour. 

Then  cometh  an  inconsiderate  Snob  (any  inconsiderate  man  is  a  snob) 
aud  sitting  down,  or  lounging  near  one's  next  neighbour  beginneth  to  j 
Cackle.  Either  he  doth  it  with  some  impudent  loudness,  as  much  as  to  ! 
say,  "I  shall  speak  if  I  like,"  or  with  some  sneaking  whispering, 
which  implieth  a  knowledge  of  guilt,  but  a  persistence  therein.  This 
is  even  more  irritating,  O  Panizzi,  than  the  louder  talk,  and  usually 
lasteth  much  longer.  And  the  neighbour,  at  first  vexed,  growetli 
interested,  and  then  an  argument  comes  on,  and  the  paper  cutter  is 
used  to  enforce  points,  and  slappeth  the  books,  and  the  undercurrent  of 
jabber  rusheth  overwhelmingly  over  one's  ears,  sweeps  away  one's 
recollections  and  delicate  points,  and  finally  washes  one  up  to  the 
central  table,  to  reclaim  one's  tickets  in  a  venomous  state  of  mind. 

How  shall  we  stop  these  chattering  creatures  ?  Will  the  inscription 
which  Mr.  Punch  has  suggested,  do  for  the  purpose  ?  No,  he  fears  not, 
or  why  do  they  disregard,  O  Panizzi,  thy  gentlemanly  hint  that 
"  Silence  is  essential  in  a  place  devoted  to  Study."    We  must  take  I 


There !  as  Quarles  says : — 

''  Is  not  this  type  well  cut,  in  every  part 
Filled  with  rich  cunning,  and  with  Zeuxian  art?  ' 

There  is  a  typical  yet  truthful  presentment  of  the  case.  There  be 
the  donkeys,  that  is  to  say  gentlemen,  who  disturb  our  Reading  Pavilion, 
and  there'  is  Mr.  Punch  affably  inviting  them  to  desist.  Now,  dear 
Panizzi,  perpend.  Have  the  above  stricken  as  a  medal — you  have  our 
unsought,  unbought  leave  to  do  so — or  have  it  graven  in  any  convenient 
way  you  will.  Let  it  be  called  "  Punch's  Bad  Mark."  Attach  thereto 
a  ribbon,  which  should  be,  considering  the  subject,  of  the  colour  of  the 
ribbon  of  the  order  of  the  Thistle.  Supply  specimens  to  the  courteous 
and  intelligent  gentlemen  who  attend  on  us,  and  do  such  good  service 
in  the  Reading  Room.  And  be  it  an  instruction  to  them — one  which 
they,  imbued  with  the  student  spirit,  will  gladly  follow  out— to  notice  a 
Jabberer,  or  to  hear  complaint  of  him.  And  let  one  of  them  come 
behind  such  Jabberer,  and  over  his  ass's  ears  pass  the  ribbon,  and  in 
strictest  silence  (that  the  hhit  be  clearer)  invest  him  with  the  above 
order— and  if  he  be  already  in  orders,  for  some  of  the  notorious  dis- 
turbers of  the  room  are,  or  seem,  parsons,  let  him  be  known  as  the 
Vicar  of  Bray. 

One  word  more.  Small  wit  gibeth  at  Woman's  talk,  and  would  carp 
at  the  Spheres  for  making  kindred  music,  could  small  wit  hear  it.  But 
such  wit  would  utter  falsehood  as  well  as  folly  did  it  aim  at  the  Ladies 
of  the  Museum.  Mr.  Punch  watches  them  narrowly,  always  indeed 
finding  it  hard  to  turn  away  his  immortal  eyes  from  such  sights, 
and  he  hereby  maketh  it  known  that  They  neither  talk,  nor  permit  talk. 
And,  bless  'em,  if  they  did,  woidd  he  scold  ?  No,  but  he  woidd  have  a 
finger  of  Harpocrates,  carved  in  whitest  ivory,  and  he  would  smilingly 
approach  the  speaker,  and  gently  pressing  that  ivory  upon  her  coral  lip, 
woidd  present  the  ornament  to  her  for  a  brooch,  and  a  memorial  ot 
his  love. 

No,  it  is  masculine  Chatterers  and  Jabberers  whom  Mr.  Punch  desires 
to  put  down.  And  mark  you,  Antonio,  if  the  Medal  will  not  do  it,  Mr. 
Punch  may  waste  an  hour  in  making  some  more  easily  recognisable 
sketches  of  the  criminals.  He  laughs  now,  but  let  them  beware  of  his 
"waked  wrath." 


Befiaitioa. 

BY  AN  ANTJMATEIMONIAI.IST 


What  is  "a  Club?" 

It  is  a  weapon  of  defence  carried  by  male  Gorillas  to  keep  away  the 
White  Women. 


70 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[August  17,  1861. 


i 


Waggoner.  "  Here  be  your  Burl,  Mcastcr." 

Young  Hopeful.  "  Thanlcec,  my  lad  ;  if  I'd  a  -penny  in  my  pocket,  I'd  give  it  you." 


THE  SONG  OF  THE  TALKATIVE  MEMBER. 

Air. — "  /never  does  Nothing  at  all." 

On,  dear,  how  the  Newspapers  scold, 

And  ns  poor  M.P.'s  how  they  blame  : 
Every  Session  we  're  sure  to  be  told 

We  do  nothing  but  talk  !  'tis  a  shame. 
Instead  of  our  sticking  to  work, 

They  complain  that,  whatever  befall, 
Aught  save  making  long  speeches  we  shirk. 

And  do  next  to  nothing  at  all ! 

If  some  Member  a  measure  brings  in 

Which  a  boon  to  the  public  would  prove, 
We  make  a  vast  clatter  and  din, 

But  to  pass  it  how  slowly  we  move  ! 
If  a  ticklish  affair  of  the  State 

For  prompt  legislation  should  call, 
We  get  up  a  party  debate, 

And  we  do  next  to  nothing  at  all ! 

You  'd  think  that  our  conscience  would  stay 

Us  from  wasting  the  national  time, 
And  that  when  we  have  notlung  to  say 

We  should  hold  idle  gabble  a  crime  ; 
But  all  conscience  we  overboard  throw, 

And,  heedless  of  duty  its  call, 
We  keep  our  tongues  e'er  on  the  go, 

And  we  do  next  to  nothing  at  all ! 


A   Case    of  Real   Distress. 

Kind  Reader,  drop  a  tear  of  pity  for  poor,  injured  Dr. 
Gray  !  You  remember  his  late  squabble  with  M.  Du 
Chaillu,  and  how  he  clearly  came  off  second  best  in  the 
dispute.  Well,  now  the  Government  have  actually  bought 
one  of  the  Gorillas ;  and,  in  his  post  at  the  Museum, 
Dr.  Gray  will  have  the  charge  of  it,  and  thus  will  always 
have  before  his  eyes  a  souvenir  of  his  defeat.  Poor  Dr. 
Gray  !  he  may  well  look  rather  black  at  it.  We  have 
rarely  known  an  instance  of  more  barbarous  brutality.  It 
really  is  as  cruel  as  knocking  a  man  down,  and  expecting 
him  to  treasure  a  fragment  of  the  stick. 


OUR    DRAMATIC    CORRESPONDENT. 

"  Dear  Punch, 

"  The  other  evening,  having  a  half  hour  or  so  to  kill  before 
going  to  a  party  I  did  not  care,  to  go  too  early  to,  I  looked  in  at  the 
pleasant  little  Gallery  of  Illustration.  To  judge  by  what  I  saw  of  it, 
the  new  entertainment  goes  more  briskly  than  ever,  and  they  who 
have  not  seen  it  should  not  lose  the  chance  of  doing  so  before  the 
season  ends.  I  know  of  no  place  where  a  pleasant  laugh  may  be 
enjoyed  more  surely  whenever  you  drop  hi,  or  where  the  lover  of  light 
music  may  hear  it  done  in  better  taste.  With  three  such  excelleni 
performers  as  Mr.  and  Mrs.  German  Beed  and  Mr.  Parry,  music 
cannot  fail  to  be  attractive  at  the  Gallery,  and  if  I  may  pick  out  a  fault 
in  the  present  entertainment,  it  is  that  lull  advantage  is  not  taken  of 
this  fact.  Any  entertainer  can  make  fun  of  a  smashed  bandboxor  the 
dropping  of  a  tea-tray  (which  stale  stage  ways  of  laugh-moving  1  think 
the  British  Playgoer  would  gladly  see  abolished) ;  but  no  others  that  I 
know  of  are  so  musically  gifted,  and  they  who  recollect  the  voice  of 
dainty  Ariel  would  gladly  hear  it  less  in  dialogue  and  more  in  solid 
song. 

"  The  Princess's  closed  last  week  after  a  season  of  success  achieved 
by  Monsieur  Hamlet,  who,  I  hear  it  whispered,  has  for  some  while 
since  been  studying  to  appear  as  Monsieur  Othello  after  the  recess. 
Whether  the  praise  which  he  has  gained  while  wearing  his  light  hair 
will  be  extended  to  him  after  he  has  gone  and  blacked  his  face,  is  more 
than  my  prophetic  soul  can  take  upon  itself  to  state.  But  he  is  far  too 
good  an  actor  to  act  a  good  part  badly,  and  though  the  dark  role  may 
not  suit  him  quite  so  fitly  as  the  light  one,  we  may  be  sure  that  his 
will  lie  an  intellectual  performance,  and  that  he  will  play  the  Moor  with 
careful  thought  and  taste.  Doleful  people  may  bewail  the  declining  of 
the  drama,  and  declare  there's  no  love  left  for  aught  but  farces  and 
burlesques  ;  but  I  think  it  shows  good  sense  is  extant  still  in  England 
that  a  single  play  of  Shaksfeare's  has  served  to  cram  a  theatre  for 
one  and  seventy  nights,  and  this  without  the  aid  of  either  splendid 
scenery,  or  attested-by-authorities  correctness  of  costume. 

"  Atthe  Olympic  Mr.  Robson  has  revived  Plot  and  Passion,  and  is 
delighting  people  nightly  by  his  careful  personation  of  the  wily  sua 


Desmarez.  Did  he  take  the  hint  from  '  One  who  Pays  ?  '  I  wonder, 
for  a  few  weeks  since  I  spoke  of  this  as  one  of  his  best  characters,  and 
one  that  shows  what  he  can  do  with  a  part  which  in  less  able  hands 
might  have  but  slight  effect.  I  think  that  his  dramatic  power  is  better 
shown  in  parts  like  this,  than  in  his  wilder  freaks  of  acting  in  fast  high- 
pressure  burlesque. 

"  One  who  Pays." 


CHANCERY  IS  THE  BEST  MOTHER  FOR  LEGAL  ORPHANS. 

Of  seventy-five  lawyers  who  died  in  1S5S,  the  Registrar-General  tells 
us  that  "fifteen  died  without  making  their  wills."  We  are  positive 
that  this  was  not  neglect,  or  arising  from  any  cowardly  fear  lest  the 
execution  of  the  act  should  hasten  their  exit  from  this  world,  or  from 
any  other  mean  cause ;  but  simply  sprang  from  the  benevolent  desire 
to  avoid  litigation  by  nobly  refusing  to  get  a  brother  confederate  to 
draw  up  their  will,  and  still  more  nobly  refusing  to  draw  it  up  them- 
selves. Their  experience  evidently  taught  them,  that  it  was  safer  to 
leave  their  property  to  chance  than  leaving  it  in  the  hands  of  the 
lawyers.  We  should  like,  as  a  great  consolation,  to  know  how  much 
of  the  property  of  those  fifteen  lawyers  who  died  intestate  was 
eventually  swallowed  up  by  the  Law.  The  Law  is  a  savage  Saturn, 
and  frequently  devours  its  own  children. 


A  White  Fib. 


Anti-President  Jeff.  Davis,  in  his  last  Message  to  the  Secession 
Congress  asserts  that  the  Confederate  States  took  up  arms  in  defence 
of  their  liberties.  Jeff.  Davis  takes  great  liberties  with  language. 
The  fact  is,  that  they  rebelled  in  defence  of  their  slaveries.  Anti-Pre- 
sident Davis  appears  to  be  a  man  who  really  would  not  hesitate  to 
swear  that  black  is  white. 


The  Fate  of  Political  Reform.— Like  all  reforms,  it  is  put  off 
till  to-morrow. 


August  17,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR 


THE 


LONDON  CHARIVA1U. 


71 


THE 


E    OF    CROSSING    THE 


IE. 


N  Wednesday  last  week  a 
very  pretty  game  of  soldiers 
was  played  on  the  Rhine  at 
Strasbourg.  The  6th  Regi- 
ment of  Pontonnier  Artil- 
lery, under  the  inspection  of 
General  Sevelinges,  per- 
formed the  amusing  experi- 
ment of  throwing  a  bridge 
of  boats  across  that  river. 
It  was  as  good  as  a  play. 
Our  informant,  the  Times' 
Paris  Correspondent,  tells 
us  that — 

"A  number  of  distinguished 
persons  who  were  invited  to 
witness  the  operation  were  ac- 
commodated with  seats  on  a 
stage  erected  for  the  occasion. 
The  bridge  was  composed  of  40 
boats,  and  measured  240  yards 
in  length.  It  was  completely- 
fixed  in  45  minutes  with  a  ra- 
pidity seldom  equalled." 

"What  a  highly  diverting 
spectacle  for  the  people  on  j 
the  right  side  of  the  river,  ' 
the  right  side  being  understood  to  be  the  stronger  side,  the  side  that 
is  right  because  it  has  might,  but  physically  called  the  left  side  of  the 
Rhine  !  General  Sevelinges  and  his  merry  men  of  the  6th  Artillery 
Pontonniers  threw  a  bridge  of  boats  over  the  water  from  Strasbourg  to 
Kehl  only  for  fun,  as  schoolboys  say.  He  had  no  idea  at.  the  same  time 
of  showing  the  Baden  folks  how  soon  the  thing  could  be  done  in  earnest. 
They  comprehended  all  this,  and  accordingly  behaved  with  the  utmost 
politeness  towards  then  military  visitors  : — 

"  As  soon  as  the  bridge  was  completed,  Genebals  Sevelinges  and  Babgella, 
Colonel  B^eokheim,  and  several  of  the  persons  invited,  crossed  the  river  to  the 
Baden  side,  where  they  were  received  by  Baron  Weileb,  Commander  of  the  fort 
of  Kehl,  and  by  the  corps  of  officers." 

They  were  received  in  the  same  playful  spirit  as  that  in  which  they 
came : — 

"  The  Baden  troops  formed  a  line,  and  presented  arms  as  the  French  Generals 
and  their  suite  passed." 


The  presentation  of  arms  on  the  part  of  the  Baden  troops  was  evi- 
dently intended  to  intimate  that  they  took  the  mock  invasion  of  their 
country  as  a  capital  joke.  Of  course  they  presented  then  arms  at  their 
French  friends  by  levelling  them  at  then  heads,  with  the  facetious  feint  of 
going  to  fire  at  them  as  enemies.  Not,  however,  that  they  meant  to  signify 
that  under  the  real  circumstances  then  represented  they  would  ever 
dream  of  doing  any  such  thing.  The  game  of  invasion  would  be  one 
too  serious  to  play  with  forces  who  were  likely  to  resist  an  actual 
attack.  The  operation  of  bridging  the  Channel  with  iron-plated 
steamers,  so  as  to  render  the  landing  of  French  troops  possible  on  the 
Kentish  coast,  is  not  one  which  our  neighbours  would  be  likely  to  per- 
forin in  sport.  Should  they,  however,  think  proper  to  indulge  in  such  a 
frolic,  they  would  probably  receive  an  intimation  that  we,  in  our  insular 
dulness,  do  not  understand  jokes  of  that  kind.  No  doubt,  if  they  came 
after  that,  they  would  be  received  with  all  martial  honours ;  but  those 
honours  woidd  be  naval  and  not  military  in  the  first  instance.  A 
Channel  Fleet  (if  there  happened  to  exist  one)  would  present  arms  to 
them  ;  but  those  arms  would  be  chiefly  Armstrong  guns,  shotted,  and 
there  is  too  much  reason  to  apprehend  that  they  would  go  off.  The 
spree  or  lark  of  a  descent  on  the  shore  of  England  would  not  proceed 
and  terminate  so  pleasantly  as  that  of  crossing  the  Rhine ;  which  having 
been  accompb'slied  in  the  manner  above  described: — 

"  The  bridge  of  boats  was  left  open  to  the  public  for  above  half  an  hour,  and  the 
small  town  of  Kehl  was  crowded  with  French  soldiers  of  all  arms.  Though  the 
crowd  was  immense,  no  accident  occurred." 

It  is  to  be  apprehended  that  any  sort  of  bridge,  tin-own,  how  jocu- 
larly soever,  across  the  Channel,  would  not  remain  open  a  minute 
longer  than  the  time  wherein  the  British  naval  force  could  demolish  it ; 
and  if  the  small  town  of  Dover  were  crowded  with  French  soldiers  of 
all  arms,  it  would  be  our  fault  or  our  misfortune  that  they  had  not  all 
of  them  been  disarmed.  Accidents  perhaps,  properly  so  called,  would 
not  occur  in  the  case  supposed,  because  the  artillery,  which  as  aforesaid, 
would  go  off,  would  not  go  off  accidentally.  On  the  other  hand,  our 
lively  neighbours,  with  ail  their  mirth,  and  all  their  good  nature,  would 
be  equally  apt  to  misunderstand  and  resent  such  a  piece  of  practical 
tun  on  our  part  as  the  rehearsal  of  a  hostile  movement  on  Calais  or 
Boulogne.  Games  of  this  kind  are  very  apt  to  end  in  quarrels,  and 
when  acted  even  on  a  small  scale,  unpleasantly  affect  the  apprehensions 
of  bystanders.  Our  gallant  allies  would  create  the  less  alarm  in  Europe 
if  they  would  be  content  to  practise  pontooning  on  rivers  of  their  own, 
and  not  play  at  crossing  the  Bhine. 


FOUR  INSCRIPTIONS  FOR  A  MONUMENT, 

To  be  Erected  in  Virginia,  on  tlie  Scene  of  tJie  Great  Stampede  of  the 
Federal  Army,  July  21, 1861. 

first  face, 
(by  the  times'  special  correspondent.) 
Bull's  Bun. 

Bull's  Run?    Which  Bull's?    Write  out  the  name  in  full, 

That  when  Posterity  the  tale  shall  con, 
She  may  be  thoroughly  aware  the  Bidl 

Who  made  that  run,  was  Jonathan,  not  John. 

SECOND  FACE. 
(SY    A    YANKEE   VOLUNTEER.) 

Manasses  Junction. 
I,  Jonathan,  here  own  in  confusion  and  compunction. 

With  a  curse  for  those  who  blundered,  and  a  blush  for  those  who  ran,  I 
That  in  the  composition  of  the  said  Manasses  Junction, 

There  was  too  much  of  the  asses,  and  too  little  of  the  man. 

third  face, 
(by  a  u.  s.  sensation  reporter.) 

Go  stra-a-nger,  tell,  how  for  our  country  nigh, 
Where  yesterday  we  ran,  to-day  we  lie. 

FOURTH   FACE. 
(BY   A   YANKEE   NOTION-MONGER.) 

Our  Hobbes's  Yankee  Lock  henceforth  the  field, 
To  our  M'Dowell's  Yankee  bolt  must  yield. 


NOT  A  BAD  COMMISSION. 


There  must  be  one  persou  who  has  good  reason  to  rejoice  in  the 
absence  of  the  Queen  on  all  Parliamentary  solemnities,  and  that  is  the 
Lord  Chancellor,  who,  we  are  informed  by  the  papers,  receives  £500 
every  time  he  prorogues  Parliament,  and  the  same  sum  for  opening  the 
Houses,  "  by  Commission."  The  above  are  not  bad  fees,  though  we 
cannot  help  fancying  that  many  persons  might  be  found  who  would 
undertake  to  do  the  same  sort  of  thing  much  more  cheaply.  For 
instance,  we  are  positive  that  our  old  friend  John  Cooper  would  be 
happy  to  go  through  the  performance  on  any  occasion  for  a  ten-pound 
note ;  and  more  than  that,  he  would  add  considerably  to  the  effect  by 
rounding  the  periods  in  the  graceful  inflated  way  peculiar  only  to  prac- 
tical elocutionists.  We  wilfbe  bound  that  the  Queen's  Speech  would 
be  read  in  such  a  style  as  it  had  never  been  heard  before  !  What  can  the 
Lord  Chancellor  know  about  elocution  ?  Besides,  only  look  at  the 
economy  of  the  thing.  Supposing,  now,  that  John  Cooper  was 
engaged  to  open  and  close  Parliament  at  the  rate  of  £10  for  each  cere- 
mony, there  would  be  a  clear  gain  to  the  nation  of  £980  a-year. 
Moreover,  we  would  guarantee  that,  as  often  as  painfully  necessary, 
John  would  not  mind  composing  a  graceful  apology  for  the  absence  of 
Her  Majesty,  and  that  he  would  not  charge  an  extra  penny  for  it. 
His  many  years'  practice  of  appearing  at  the  footlights  with  his  hand 
upon  his  heart,  and  entreating  "  the  indulgence  of  his  kyind  friends," 
would  recommend  him  of  all  others  for  this  particular  duty.  We  will 
willingly  bet  one  year's  entire  income,  if  there  is  any  Rothschild  rich 
enough  to  deposit  so  large  a  stake,  that  if  the  admired  representative 
of  the  Ghost  in  Hamlet  were  to  read  the  Queen's  Speech,  he  would 
draw  a  much  larger  House  than  the  Lord  Chancellor. 

In  addition,  it  is  our  opinion  that  there  should  be  some  difference 
between  the  payment  of  the  two  sums  for  the  two  different  operations. 
At  present  there  is  a  shameful  equality  between  the  two  which  we 
cannot  help  condemning  as  a  most  disgraceful  disproportion.  We 
would  willingly  pay  the  Lord  Chancellor  any  sum,  no  matter  how  large, 
for  closing  Parliament,  but  then  on  the  other  hand  we  would  begrudge 
him  the  smallest  possible  coin  for  opening  it.  In  fact,  it  is  a  great 
question  whether  he  ought  not  himself  to  pay  us  for  the  latter  ceremony. 
It  is  so  great  an  offence  that  he  could  not  be  fined  too  heavily  for  it. 


A  Disclaimer. 


In  a  capital  article  on  "  Scottish  Character  "  in  the  new  number  of 
the  Quarterly,  quotation  of  an  Aberdonian  retort  is  made,  with  the 
remark,  "  Punch  translates  this  '  Do  you  want  to  argue,  you  beggar  ? ' ' 
Mr.  Punch  begs  to  say  that  he  never  translates  anything,  and  may 
perhaps  be  therefore  reproached  with  want  of  humanity  to  the 
dioceses  of  some  of  Shaftesbury's  bishops. 

A  Troubled  Conscience. — The  Toothache  of  the  Mind. 


TiT'Tnr 


RECOLLECTION  OF  A  JOLLY  OLD    PATERFAMILIAS  WE   SAW  THE  OTHER    DAY,  WITH    SOME   AIR-BALLOONS 

FOR  THE  CHICKS. 


STEAM  WANTED  AT  THE  ADMIRALTY. 

The  French  have  eleven  iron-cased  frigates  afloat  or  in  commission, 
and  no  less  than  seventeen  building;  and  yet  the  only  iron  vessel 
belonging  to  this  country  will  not  he  at  sea  before  October.  The 
Admiralty  is  not  only  slow  in  giving  its  orders,  but  equally  slow  in 
executing  them.  They  have  just  asked  from  certain  linns  for  tenders 
for  three  more  iron  ships ;  and  yet  (says  the  Times),  "  the  Admiralty 
has  not  now  any  information  with  reference  to  iron  ships  which  they 
had  not  at  the  least  as  fully  this  time  last  year."  In  the  same  day's 
paper  from  which  the  above  extract  is  taken,  there  is  a  report  of  Mr. 
St.  Amant,  the  well-known  Chess-player,  who  has  succeeded  in  fixing 
a  maximum  of  time  for  the  moves  in  Chess.  A  gigantic  sand-glass, 
which  is  made  to  measure  the  space  of  two  hours,  is  placed  by  the  side 
of  each  antagonist.  While  the  sand  is  running  through,  the  player  is 
bound  to  make  twenty-four  moves.  Wc  are  informed  that  the  trial  of 
this  limit  has  been  most  satisfactory. 

Why  should  not  the  experiment  that  has  proved  so  successful  with 
the  Chess-board  be  tried  also  with  the  Board  of  Admiralty  ?  We  should 
like  the  maximum  of  time  to  be  fixed  for  all  their  moves.  At  present 
they  are  so  dilatory,  that  the  patience  of  the  lookers-on  is  well  nigh 
exhausted.  Their  rival,  who  no  sooner  concerts  a  new  move  than  he 
boldly  executes  it,  is  quietly  winning  the  game  right  under  their 
nautical  noses.  Where  he  has  got  seventeen  pieces  on  his  sea-board, 
we  have  scarcely  got  one.  Some  limit  ought  to  be  fixed.  Let  it  be 
two,  three,  four  years,  if  you  like,  only  let  it  be  strictly  adhered  to  ;  or, 
upon  the  first  violation  of  the  rule,  let  the  present  slow  unequal  players 
withdraw  fromthe  board.  It  is  deplorable  to  see  the  French  beating 
us  with  their  scientific  play,  and  outstripping  us  in  every  new  invention 
by  the  speed  and  dexterity  of  a.ll  their  movements. 


SLEEPERS  THAT  ARE  SURE  TO  PUT  THEIR  BOOTS 
OUTSIDE. 

In  a  trial  that  was  heard  at  Wells,  it  came  out  on  evidence  that 
there  "  were  500  out  of  1000  farmers  in  Somersetshire  who  went  to 
sleep  on  horseback."  We  have  heard  of  sleep-walkers,  but  sleep- 
riding  is  quite  a  new  habit.  We  should  have  thought,  too,  that  this 
strange  custom  of  sleeping  would  have  been  more  prevalent  in  Beds 
than  in  Somersetshire.  We  should  be  sorry  to  practise  it  ourselves, 
lest  we  should  eventually  fall  (and  the  fall  might  not  be  a  very  agree- 
able one)  the  victim  to  a  nightmare.  We  always  thought  that  there 
was  not  less  difficulty  experienced  in  catching  a  Somersetshire  farmer 
asleep  than  there  proverbially  is  with  a  weasel.  Perhaps  it  is  on 
account  of  his  being  so  uncommonly  wide  awake  during  the  day  that 
he  cannot  afford  to  wait  untd  bedtime  before  he  closes  his  sleepy  eyes. 
Let  us  hope,  for  their  own  safety,  that  whilst  they  are  in  the  saddle 
they  contrive  to  sleep  fast.  Since  these  Somersetshire  farmers  are  so 
fond  of  sleeping  on  horseback,  we  wonder  they  do  not  engage  four 
posters  at  once. 


A  Past  Eaee. 


The  Run  upon  Washington. 

The  defeat  of  the  Federalist  forces  at  Bull's  Run  will,  it  is  said,  lead 
to  a  change  of  the  name  of  the  rivulet  so  heretofore  denominated. 
Those  who  are' apt  to  boast  that  they  whipped  Bull  have  now  been 
whipped  themselves.  Bull's  Run  that  was,  therefore,  we  understand, 
is  henceforth  to  be  called  Jonathan's  Run. 


Protection  for  Passengers. 


The  Yankees  have  long  been  extremely  fond  of  boasting  that  they 
are  by  far  the  most  go-a-head  of  nations  ;  and  after  hearing  how  they 
went  a-head  in  running  from  Bull's  Run,  we  cannot  well  dispute  there 
being  some  ground  for  then  boast. 


The  Duke  of  York's  Column  and  the  Monument  on  Fish  Street  Hill 
are  disfigured  by  cages  surrounding  their-  summits,  and  put  there  to 
prevent  anybody  from  jumping  off  them.  It  is  a  pity  that  want  of 
space  hinders  the  object  in  view  from  being  as  effectually  secured  by 
the  erection  of  radings  around  the  bases  of  the  monuments,  sufficiently 
extensive  to  keep  people  from  being  tumbled  upon  by  any  fool  who 
happened  to  throw  himself  over. 


Printed  by  William  Bradbury,  of  No.  13,  Upper  AVoburn  Place,  and  Frederick  Mullen  Evans,  of  No.  10,  Queen's  Road  West,  Regent's  Park,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Pancras,  in  the  County  of  Middlesex 
Printers,  at  their  Office  in  Lombard  Street,  in  the  Precinct  of  Whitefriars,  in  the  City  of  London,  and  Published  by  them  at  No.  85,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  City  of  London.— 
SATimnAY,  August  17,  1861. 


COTTON    AND    COTTON    SUPPLY  —See  "once  a  week 

for  August  24th. 


r~v~,^ 


PUNC'H    OFFICE,    85,    FLEET    STREET, 

AND    SOLD    BT   ALL   BOOKSELLERS. 


Shortly  will  be  Published  in  Three  Vols.  Price  £1  lis.  6d. 


BY    SHIRLEY   BROOKS. 

AUTHOR   OF   "ASPEN   COURT,"    "THE   GORDIAN   KNOT/'  &c. 
BRADBURY  &  EVANS,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.G. 


\ 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI— August  24,  1861. 


THE 


Now  Ready,  with  many  Illustrations,  21s. 

OKAVANGO    RIVER: 

A  Narrative  of  Travel,  Exploration, 
and  Adventure.  By  C.J.  Anders  son,  Author  of 
"  Lake  N  garni." 

THE   SECRET  HISTORY  OF 

THE  COURT  of  FRANCE  under  LOUIS  XV. 
Editad  from  rare  and  unpublished  Documents, 
by  Dr.  Challice.    2  v.    Portraits,  21«. 

ALONE    IN    THE    WORLD. 

By  the  Author  of  "  Cousin  Geoffrey."    3  v. 

A  HERO  IN  SPITE  OF  HIM- 

SELF.    By  Capt.  Mavne  Reid.    3  v. 
Horst  &  Blackett,  Publishers. 


The  Sixth  thousand,  Price  3».  M.,  is  now  ready,  of 

THE  PRACTICAL  ANGLER, 

*    Or  the  Art  of  Trout-fishing,  more  par- 
ticularly applied  to  Clear  Water.  By  W.  C.  Stewart. 
Edinburgh :  A.  &  C.  Black  and  all  Booksellers. 

INVESTMENT  OF  SAVINGS 

■a.  AND  CAPITAL.— Tbe  Conservative 
Land  Society.  Share  Department,  five  per  cent,  per 
annum.  Deposit  Department,  tour  per  cent,  ditto. 
The  Interest  Warrants  issued  half-yearly,  and  With- 
drawals at  fixed  periods  according  to  the  amounts 
large  or  small.  No  partnership  liability,  and  the 
taking  of  land  is  entirely  optional.  Prospectuses 
sent  free  of  charge. 

Charles  L.  Gruneisen,  Secretary. 
Offices,  33,  Norfolk  Street,  Strand,  London,  W.C. 


B.    JOSEPH 

&  Co.'s 

GARIBALDI 

TROUSERS. 

TO  ORDER. 

FIT    GUARANTEED, 

AND  MADE 

FROM  THE    VERY  BEST 

SCOTCH  TWEED, 

AT 

B.JOSEPH  &  Co.'s 

150,  Regent  Street, 
London. 


KEATING'S  PERSIAN  INSECT  DESTROYING 
POWDER. 

PLEAS  IN  DOGS,  POULTRY, 

A  &c.,  are  instantly  destroyed,  as  also 
Bugs,  Beetles,  and  every  other  Insect,  by  this 
Powder,  which  is  perfectly  harmless  to  animal  lite; 
sportsmen  particularly  will,  therefore,  find  it 
invaluable. 

Sold  iu  Packets,  I*.,  25.  fid.,  and  4s.  fid.  each,  or 
post  free  for  14,  or  treble  size  for  36  postage  stamps, 
by  Thomas  Keating,  Chemist,  79.  St.  Paul's 
Churchyard,  London. 

Take  notice  eacb  genuine  packet  bears  the  above 
name  and  address. 


MR.   DU    CHAILLU'S    TRAVELS. 

TENTH  THOUSAND,  with  Illustrations,  Svo,  21s. 

ADVENTURES   IN   EQUATORIAL  AFRICA, 

With  Accounts  of  the  CANNIBALS  and  other  SAVAGE  TRIBES,  and  of  the  CHASE 
of  the  GORILLA,  tbe  NEST-BUILDING  APE,  &c. 

By  PAUL  B.  DU  CHAILLU. 

The  Times. — "  This  extraordinary  production.  We  must  go  back  to  the  voyages  of  La  Perouse 
and  Captain  Cook,  and  almost  to  the  days  of  wonder  which  followed  tbe  track  of  Columbus,  for 
novelties  of  equal  significance  to  the  age  of  their  discovery.  M.  du  Chaillu  has  struck  into  the 
very  spine  of  Africa,  and  has  lifted  the  veil  of  the  torrid  zone  from  its  western  rivers,  swamps, 
and  forests." 

Saturday  Review. — "  M.  Du  Chaillu's  narrative  will  not  disappoint  the  expectations  which  it 
has  excited.  Its  literary  merits  are  considerable,  for  it  is  clear,  lively,  and  judiciously  pruned  of 
unimportant  details.  His  explorations  were  in  no  degree  exempt  from  the  hardships  and 
dangers  which  are  the  condition  of  African  travel." 

JOHN  MURRAY.  Albemarle  Street. 


MR.  MOTLEY'S    NEW    HISTORICAL    WORK. 
FOURTH  THOUSAND,  with  Portraits,  2  vols.  Svo,  30*. 

HISTORY  OF  THE  UNITED  NETHERLANDS: 

From  the  Death  of  "William  the  Silent  to  the  Synod  of  Dort :  with  a  full  view  of  the  English- 
Dutch  struggle  against  Spain ;  and  of  the  origin  and  destruction  of  the  Spanish  Armada. 

By  J.  LOTHROP  MOTLEY, 

Author  of  "  The  Rise  of  the  Dutch  Republic." 

Edinburgh  Review.— "  We  must  especially  commend  the  hearty  English  spirit  in  which  the 
book  is  written,  and  fertile  as  the  present  age  has  been  in  historical  works  of  the  highest  merit, 
none  of  them  can  be  ranked  above  these  volumes  in  the  grand  qualities  of  interest,  accuracy, 
and  truth." 

Quarterly  Review. — "  Mr.  Motley's  work  must  be  read  to  appreciate  the  vast  and  conscientious 
industry  which  he  has  bestowed  upon  it.     His  delineations  are  true  and  lifelike.     Diligent  and 
painstaking  as  the  humblest  chronicler,  he  has  availed  himself  of  many  sources  of  information 
which  have  not  been  made  use  of  by  any  previous  historical  writer." 
JOHN  MURRAY,  Albemarle  Street. 


SUM] 


jflfl  tkP0Zs, 


The  Lancet  states,  "This  is  Superior  to 
anything  of  the  kind  known." 

It  has  been  received  with  great  favour 
wherever  it  has  been  made  known,  and 
is  becoming  an  article  of  daily  use 
amongst  all  classes,  being  suitable  for 
Blancmange,  Puddings,  Custards,  Cakes, 
&c,  also  for  thickening  Soups  and  Gra- 
vies, or  simply  boiled  with  milk  four 
minutes  for  Breakfast,  Supper,  <fcc.  &c, 
and  as  a  Diet  for  Infants,  Children,  and 
Invalids,  it  is  especially  recommended, 
being  preferred  to  the  best  arrowroot. 
Its  consumption  in  this  Country  is  very 
large,  and  its  extension  to  the  Colonies 
and  Foreign  Parts  is  daily  increasing.  It 
is  unaffected  by  variations  of  climate, 
and  is  admirably  adapted  for  dietary  use 
iu  all  countries. 
BROWN  &  POLSON,  Manufacturers  and  Purveyors  to  Her  Majesty  the  Queen, 
Paisley,  Manchester,  Dublin,  and  London. 


pATENT  Indestructible  Mineral  Teeth, 
and  Flexible  Gums  without  Palates,  Springs  or 
Wires,  arid  without  any  operation.  "  One  Set  lasts 
a  Lifetime,"  and  warranted  for  every  purposeof  mas- 
tication or  articulation,  even  when  all  others  fail. 
Purest  materials  and  first-class  workmanship  at 
half  the  usual  cost. 
No.  27,  HARLEY  STREET,    CAVENDISH    SQ., 

and 34, LUDGATE  HILL,  LONDON; 

65,  NEW  STREET,  BIRMINGHAM; 

134,  DUKE   STREET,  LIVERPOOL. 


TUXTJRIANT     WHISKERS, 

™  Moustaches,  and  Eyebrows,  produced 
in  a  few  weeks  by  tbe  use  of  ELLIOTTS  TONIC 
LOTION,  the  stimulative  properties  of  which  are 
unfailing  in  its  operation.  Thomas  Elliott  invites  a 
trial  from  the  most  sceptical,  that  they  may  be  con- 
vinced of  its  infallible  power.  Price  3s.  6d.r  bs.6d.t 
10s.  6rf.,  and  21s.  Forwarded  on  receipt  of  postage 
stamps.  Thomas  Elliott,  Hair  Grower  (first floor), 
51,  l'enchurch  Street,  E.C.    T.  E.'s  Wigs,  30*. 


■JWTALVERN    LANDSCAPE 

JW*  GLASSES. 

"  Best  Binocular  Telescope  yet  invented."— Bell's 
Life. 

"  Most  compact,  accurate,  and  powerful."— Field. 

"  We  can  speak  well  of  its  powers."— Athenffium. 

"  A  beautifully   finished   Binocular."— Volunteer 
Service  Gazette. 

lJrice  3i  and  6  Guineas,  on  receipt  of  money  orders. 
W.  &  J.  Buhbow,  Great  Malvern. 


COCKLE'S     ANTIBILIOUS 

^  PILLS,  a  medicine  now  in  use  among 
all  classes  of  Society  for  indigestion,  bilious,  liver, 
and  Stomach  Complaints.  Prepared  only  by  James 
Cockle,  18,  New  Ormond  Str-ect^  av.d  iu  be  had  of 
all  Medicine  Vendors,  in  boxes  at  Is.  \^d.t  2s.  Sid., 
and  4s.  6d. 


fSALLAGHAN'S     RACE 

V  GLASSES,  £3  10s.  each,  with  Leather 
Slim;  Case,  complete;  warranted  of  the  first  quality. 
May  be  had  at  Messrs.  W.  H.  Smith  &  Son's  book- 
stalls at  the  Railway  Stations ;  or  will  be  sent  free, 
on  receipt  of  Post  Office  orders,  payable  to  William 
Callaguan,  Optician,  2:)°,  New  Bond  Street,  W. 
(Corner  of  Conduit  Street).— N.B.  Sole  Agent  to 
"Voigtlander,  Vienna. 


WQRDLEY     AND     CO, 

WW  Goldsmiths,  Silversmiths,  &  Jewellers, 

56,  LORD  STREET,  LIVERPOOL. 

Stock   unsurpassed  for  beauty  of  design  and  high 

character  of  workmanship. 


"MECHIAM"    DRESSING    BAG, 

REGISTERED  MARCH  30,  1861. 

The  most  useful  sizes  are  fifteen,  sixteen,  seventeen,  and 
eighteen  inches  long,  but  larger  are  made  if  required. 
The  great  merit  of  this  Bag  is  the  power  of  employing 
every  inch  of  space  with  a  facility  of  access,  ease,  and 
quickness  of  stowage,  that  experience  has  found  to  be  the 
great  want  in  all  descriptions  previously  manufactured. 
The  following  detail  of  TThte  18-inch  Bag  at 
£24  10s.,  will  convey  a  general  idea  of  its  utility  and 
capacity  for  the  accommodation  of  sufficient  attire  for  a 
moderate  journey.  One  half  the  Bog  is  demoted  exclu- 
sively to  the  Writing,  Dressing,  and  Refreshment  con- 
veniences, and  the  other  half  (which  in  the  illustration  is 
shown  lying  down)  is  arranged  for  articles  of  Clothing, 
Books,  Bapers,  &c.  This  portion  is  capable  of  holding  a 
complete  Suit  of  Clothes,  six  Shirts,  two  Night  Shirts, 
twelve  Collars,  six  Socks,  Opera  Hat,  twelve  Pocket 
Handkerchiefs,  three  pairs  Drawers,  Neckerchiefs,  Slip- 
pers, Dress  Boots,  &c,  &c,  with  capacious  Outside 
for  Goloshes,  Books,  Papers,  &c,  &c. 

DRESSING  BAGS  for  Ladies,  from  4  Guineas  to  £150. 

MECHI  &  BAZIN, 

4,  LEADENHALL   STREET,  AND  112,  REGENT   STREET,  LONDON. 
CATALOGUES  GRATIS  ON  APPLICATION. 


Pocket 


qOUTHSEA  IS  THE  MOST  ATTRACTIVE  WATERING  PLACE 
°  m  ENGLAND; 

Two  Hours  from  London,  and,  by  the  New  Pier  on  Southsea  Beach,  twenty  minutes  from  the 

Isle  of  Wight 

THE    BEST    BA.T3ING    ON    THE    SOUTH    COAST; 

Grand  Esplanade,  with  Splendid  View  of  the  Isle  of  Wight,  Spithead,  and  the  Solent ;  Yachting  ; 

Naval  and  Military  Evolutions  ;  Military  Bands  daily  ;  Good  Hotels,  Assembly  Rooms, 

Libraries,  First-class  Lodging  Houses  facing  the  Sea. 


H8si£  J~  -  -^  vv  -  f* 


•    '.      A,' 


ELECTRO-PLATE 


mm 

A    COATING 


OF 

Manufactured 


LACK'S    SILVER    ELECTXtO-PLATE    IS 

STERLING  SILVER  OVER  NICKEL,  and  the  best  Substitute  ever  invented, 
solely  by  RICHARD  and  JOHN  SLACK. 

Table  Forks  or  Spoons  £1  10  0  Strongest  Plated  £1  18  0  per  dozen. 

Shell  Pattern  Spoons  or  Forks,  as  engraving,  £1  12  0  and  £2  2  0. 
Every  article  for  the  Table  as  in  Silver.     Old  goods  re-plated  equal  to  new.     Catalogues  with 
Engravings  free  by  Post.     Orders  above  £2  Carriage  free. 

RICHARD  and  JOHN  SLACK,  336,  Strand,  opposite  Somerset  House. 


TIEBTG'S     INVIGORATIVE 

-aJ  ESSENCE.— This  must  scientifically- 
prepared  and  most  powerful  nutritive  cordial  ever 
introduced  restores  to  their  normal  condition  all  the 
secretions,  on  the  integrity  of  which  perfect  health, 
depends.  It  is  a  specific  for  debility  of  all  kinds. 
There  is  no  need  for  vaunting  its  merits  in  the  usual 
charlatanic  style,  as,  for  the  satisfaction  of  the 
public,  Messes.  Baumgarten  &  Co.  (the  sole 
agents  for  the  proprietor)  have  submitted  it  to  the 
first  analytical  authority  of  the  age,  whose  report  is 
subjoined:— "  Chemical  and  Microscopical  Labora- 
tory. 74,  Wimpole  Street,  May  30,  1861.— Having 
analysed  the  preparation  to  which  Messrs.  Baum- 
garten &  Co.  have  given  the  name  of  'Invigorative 
Essence,'  I  am  of  opinion  that  it  is  a  combination 
well  calculated,  from  its  containing,  among  other 
ingredients,  pepsine  and  phosphate  of  soda,  to  prove 
serviceable  to  the  debilitated,  the  nervous,  and  the 
dyspeptic.  (Signed)  Arthur  Hill  Hassall,  M.D., 
London  Analyst  to  the  Sanitary  Commission."  To 
be  had  of  all  chymists  throughout  the  country. 
Price  11a.  per  bottle,  or  four  quantities  in  one  for  33s. 
Sole  Agents  for  the  proprietor,  Messes.  Baumgar- 
ten &  Co.,  520,  O  ford  Street,  W.,  and  113,  Leaden- 
hall  Street,  E.G.,  London,  to  whom  remittances  may 
be  made  by  stamps  or  Post  Office  order. 


BBHMlMsirS 


U7B 

MEW  BOMD  ST) 

PRICE  2fe 


OMALLPOX     MARKS     RE- 

*J  MOVED.— An  old  Parisian  Discovery, 
made  by  the  renowned  belle  and  beauty,  the  Countess 
de  Brissac,  in  1718.  The  prescription  will  be  sent 
Gratis  to  any  person  who  is  so  unfortunate  as  to 
bear  the  traces  of  1  hat  terrible  scourge.  The  receipt 
can  be  obtained  by  addressing  Dr.  R.  H.  Stanwai, 
care  of  GUn  &  Co.,  Craven  Street,  Strand,  London, 
W.C. 

P.  S.   Three   stamps   must  be   enclosed   to   pay 
postage  and  advertising  expenses. 


ROWLANDS*  MACASSAR  OIL,  for  promoting 
the  Growth,  Restoring  and  Beautifying  the  Human 
Hair. 

ROWLANDS'  KALYDOR  for  Improving  and 
Beautifying  the  Complexion  and  Skin,  and  Eradi- 
cating Cutaneous  defects. 

ROWLANDS'  ODONTO,  or  Pearl  Dentrifice,  for 
the  Teeth,  Gums,  and  Breath. 

Sold  at  20,  Hatton  Garden,  and  by  Chemists  and 
Perfumers. 

MAIR  DYEING 
ROOMS.      Unwin 

and  Albert's,  24,  Piccadilly, 
are  as  private  and  replete  with 
every  convenience  and  com- 
fort as  a  lady's  own  dressing- 
room,  and  where  the  hair  can 
be  coloured  the  lightest  shade 
of  flaxen  or  the  darkest  shade 
of  brown  or  black  by  expe- 
rienced assistants,  at  moderate  charges. 

MARROW    POMA- 

TUMS,  ROSE,  JASMIN,  ORANGE, 
and  TUBEROSE.— These  Pomatums  are  scented 
with  the  flowers  themselves,  and,  being  without  any 
admixture  of  essential  oils,  are  specially  adapted  to 
dressing  the  Hair.    2s.  each. 

H.  Riogb,  35,  New  Bond  Street. 


•S   PATENT   DETEC- 


TOR  LOCKS;  Chubb's  Fire  and  Bur- 
glar Proof  Safes;  Chubb's  Fireproof  Strong-room 
Doors;  Chubb's  Street-door  Latches,  with  small 
keys;  Chubb's  Cash  and  Deed  Boxes.— Illustrated 
Price  List  sent  free. 

Chubb  &  Son,  No.  57,  St.  Paul's  Churchyard. 


flLLENFIELD    PATENT 

^J>  STARCH,  Used  in  the  Royal  Laundry, 
and  Pronounced  by  Her  Majesty's  Laundress,  to  be 
the  Finest  Starch  she  ever  used.  Sold  by  all  Chan- 
dlers, Grocers,  &c.  &c. 

Wothbrspoon  &  Co.,  Glasgow  and  London. 


QATJCE.-LEA  &   PERRINS' 

O  WORCESTERSHIRE  SAUCE.  Pro- 
nounced by  Connoisseurs  to  be  "The  only  Good 
Sauce."  ,     _ 

Sold  Wholesale  and  for  Export,  by  the  Proprietors, 
"Worcester;  Messrs.  Crosse  s  Bi.ackweli,, London, 
&c.  &c,  and  by  Grocers  and  Oilmen  universally. 

VOLUNTEER    AND    ARCH- 

W     ERY  PRIZES— BURROWS  LAND- 
SCAPE GLASSES  are  the  most  popular. 
W.  &  J.  Buiirow,  Malvern. 


CL    M.  INNES  &  Co ,  WINE 

'Ul  <  Merchants,  (39,  Strand,  W.C,  strongly 
recommend  their  Pale  Dry  Dinner  Sherry  at  *Ss., 
32s.,  and  36s;  Vino  de  Pasto,  4Ss.;  Pure.Medoc 
Claret,  24s. 


August  24,  1861.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


LABOUR. 

Aunt.  "  Willy,  my  Bear  Child,  you  must  h&  fatigued  with  Digging  your  Garden,  I'm  sure. 
Willy.  "  Oh,  Aunt,  please,  I  should  like  to  Jmve  some  Beer  I  " 


What  would  you  like  to  do  now  1 " 


THE  CRICKETER'S  LOSS  AND  GAIN. 

To  Mr.  Alderman  Gutch. 

My  dear,  Alderman, 

The  following  paragraph  appeared  in  the  Post  on  Tuesday 
last  week  :— 

"The  Weather. — Yesterday  the  thermometer  registered  in  the  streets  of  the 
Metropolis  110°  Fahr.  in  the  sun,  or  35°  Reaumur,  or  from  95°  to  97°  Fahr.  in 
the  shade,  a  heat  almost  unprecedented  in  this  country  ;  whilst  at  the  Royal 
Humane  Society's  receiviug-house,  Hyde  Park,  and  other  similarly  exposed  situa- 
tions, the  instrument  at  noonday  recorded  119°  Fahr." 

In  the  same  paper,  Sir,  on  the  same  day,  was  published  a  report  of  a 
cricket-match  between  the  "  Fourteen  of  Kent  and  All  England  "  which 
had  come  off  on  the  day  before  at  Canterbury.  It  began  with  the 
remark  that  "This  day  was  everything  favourable  for  cricket,  the  sun 
shining  brilliantly,"  Avhich  was  followed  by  a  description  of  the  play 
that  took  place  under  that  same  brilliant  sun.  According  to  this 
astonishing  narrative,  after  some  hours  of  violent  exercise  : — 

"  The  batmen  now  made  runs  quickly,  and  they  remained  in  till  the  dinner-bell 
rang,  ■when  Goodhew  had  marked  35,  and  Mr.  Kelson  21.  The  ground,  which  was 
lather  thinly  attended  at  first,  now  became  thronged.  After  the  repast  Mr.  Kel- 
son and  Goodhew  resumed  the  batting,  Hayward  and  Grundy  bowling." 

What  did  Mrs.  Grundy  say  ?  What  does  your  worship  say  to  the  idea 
of  not  only  playing  at  cricket  at  a  temperature  of  nineteen  degrees  above 
blood-heat,  put  also  of  going  and  sitting  down  to  dinner,  eating  and 
drinking  with  a  cricketer's  appetite,  and  then  getting  up  again  and 
playing  on  a  full  stomach  ;  a  stomach  so  full  as  such  an  appetite  must 
have  rendered  it  ?  Surely,  Sir,  one  would  think  that  apoplexy  must  be 
a  cliimera,  and  coup-cte-soleil  in  fact  mere  moonshine.  Bless  your  soul, 
Sir  !  fancy  yourself,  in  the  glare  of  a  sun  almost  hot  enough  to  broil  a 
steak,  running  backwards  and  forwards  and  jolting  up  the  contents  of 
an  interior  distended  with  fluids  and  solids,  ingested  under  compulsion 
of  ravenous  hunger  and  raging  thirst.  The  bare  imagination  of  such 
unseasonable  exercise  must  affect  you  with  vertigo.  Your  brain, 
doubtless,  reels  to  think  of  it. 


The  great  evaporation  which,  during  a  game  of  cricket  at  119° 
Fahr.,  must  go  on  from  the  skin,  no  doubt  considerably  relieves 
the  player  from  sensations  both  of  heat  and  fulness.  But  whereas 
cricketers  perspire  so  copiously  as  they  do,  how  can  it  be  that  they  are 
so  fat  as  they  generally  are  ?  That  their  obesity  is  a  fact  is  demon- 
strated by  most  of  the  photographs  of  their  chief  celebrities  _  which  are 
exhibited  in  the  shop  windows.  If  you  want  to  fatten  a  pig  you  not 
only  stuff  him,  but  keep  him  still.  Your  own  corpulence  is  likewise 
owing  as  well  to  sedentary  habits  as  to  excessive  alimentation.  _  But 
the  cricketer  violates  one  of  the  conditions  of  which  the  combination  is 
generally  requisite  to  constitute  an  abdominal  convexity.  He  takes 
tremendous  exercise  attended  with  immense  depletion.  The  only  sup- 
position by  which  his  bulk  can  be  accounted  for  is,  that  much  of 
substance  as  he  loses,  still  more  does  he  take  in.  Then  how  much  that 
must  be !  If  you  and  your  brethren  would  forswear  boddy  inaction, 
and  addict  yourselves  to  cricket,  you  would  probably  consume  even 
more  than  you  do,  and  the  customary  250  tureens  of  real  turtle  would 
not  perhaps  half  suffice  for  the  dinner  on  Lord  Mayor's  Day.  Would 
it  not,  then,  be  advisable  to  establish  a  Lord  Mayor's  Ground  to  serve 
as  a  Lord's  Ground  for  the  City,  so  that  the  Aldermen  and  Common 
CouncUmen,  and  the  rest  of  the  Civic  dignitaries  might  go  and  play 
cricket  there,  thus  earning  an  appetite  the  result  of  which  will  be  the 
still  further  aggrandisement  of  your  already  immense  corporation? 

I  have  the  honour  to  be,  my  dear  Alderman,  your  worship's  ever 
welcome  and  willing  guest, 


P.S.  Excellent,  sauce  as  cricket  seems  to  be,  it  has  the  great  advan- 
tage of  not  conducing  to  gout  like  some  other  condiments,  whilst, 
considered  as  a  stomachic,  it  is  _  more  efficacious,  as  well  as  more 
salutary  than  any  "  Alderman's  Mixture." 


"  Rounabout  Papers  "  that  are  most  Acceptable  at  this  Time 

oe  the  Year.— Circular  Notes. 


VOL.   XLI. 


74 


PUNCH,  OK  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[August  24,  1861. 


WOMAN ! 

Lines  written  more  in  Sorrow  than  in  Anger. 

Oh,  cease  at  Woman's  pride  to  preacb, 

A  truce  to  Press  and  mangle, 
Say  not  the  star  she  sighs  to  reach 

Does  from  a  Marquis  dangle. 
Who  deems  that  Operas  may  win 

The  heart,  which  Worldlings  harden, 
Must  own,  like  fruit,  it  ripens  in 

A  Box  at  Covent  Garden. 

It  may  be  her  ambition  dwells 

In  some  cold  Settlement, 
Where_  Truth  lies,  not  in  holy  wells, 

But  in  dividends  and  rent. 
It  may  be  subtle  serpents  lurk 

Around  her  at  her  dear  age, 
Whispering  softly,  "  Study  Burke 

On  the  sublime  old  Peerage  !  " 

If  from  her  hook  escape  an  Earl, 

She  hangs  her  pensive  head, 
As  if — poor,  disappointed  girl  !— 

The  vital  Spark  had  fled. 
Belgravia  !  mark  her  deep  despair, 

She  speaks  in  accents  tender, 
"  My  mother  bids  me  bind  my  Heir, 

And  I  must  not  offend  her." 


^J^t 


DIVERSIONS    OF    DRILL. 


Candid  Comrade.  "  I  tell  you  what  I \v  been  thinking,  Baffles.     It  icouldbe  a  capital 
I  thing  to  be  as  Stout  as  you  are  in  the  event  of  an  Invasion." 

Buffles,  who  does  not  appear  to  see  it,  asks  "  Why  ? " 
J      Candid  Comrade.  "  Because  no  Regulation  Bayonet  could  go  through  you." 


"  Am  I  not  a  Mason  and  a  Brother  ? " 

According  to  the  Herald's  American  Correspondent, 
this  question  seems  to  have  been  asked,  to  small  pur- 
pose, on  the  race-course  of  Bull's  Bun.  A  Master 
Mason,  floored,  made  "the  sign  of  distress,"  but  a' 
brother  with  a  bayonet  declined  to  recognise  the  intima- 
tion, and  incontinently  dismissed  the  other  "from 
labour  to  repose."  Probably  this  woidd  not  have 
happened  under  the  Presidentship  of  "the  judicious 
Tyler."  _  Brother  Punch  would  like  to  know  whether  the 
immunities  of  the  Order  of  the  Gridiron  extend  to  civil 
broUs  ? 


KENUM  HABET  IN  CORNU. 

The  grand  Italian  Exhibition  about  to  be  held  at 
Florence,  will  comprise,  it  is  officially  stated,  a  show 
of  Cattle  from  all  parts  of  the  Peninsula.  Mr.  Punch 
wonders  whether  it  wdl  contain  a  specimen  of  a  mon- 
strosity, happily  about  to  become  extinct — the  Papal 
Bull? 


TEABEM'S  LAST. 

I  Dog  Tearem  has  once  or  twice  of  late  been  barking  in  such  a  key 
i  that  his  voice  has  been  mistaken  for  that  of  a  turnspit,  or  some  yet 
more  ignoble  animal  of  the  canine  species.  Tearem  has  now  and  then 
been  seen  very  busy  with  his  tongue,  apparently  licking  strange  boots. 
At  least,  however,  Tearem  has  dogfully  asserted  his  "breed.  On  the 
occasion  of  the  Archduke  Eerdinand-Maximilian's  late  visit  to 
Southampton,  Mr.  Roebuck,  at  the  Victoria  Assembly  Rooms,  is 
reported  to  have  spoken  the  following  words  with  reference  to  the 
Emperor  oj?  Austria: — 

"  I  honour  that  great  monarch  who,  from  his  high  mountain,  has  seen  that  there 
are  things  below  him  worthy  of  regard,  and  who  has  made  the  people  the  partici- 
pants of  his  power.  I  believe  the  English  people  thoroughly  and  entirely  appreciate 
the  value  of  what  the  Emperor  of  Austria  has  been  doing.  It  has  been  growing 
sluwly  upon  them,  and  I  think  that  the  people  of  England  at  this  hour  believe  they 
understand  what  he  is  doing.  He  1ms  not  attempted  to  make  one  party  superior  to 
another  ;  he  has  not  attempted  to  make  one  part  of  his  great  dominions  superior  to 
another;  but  he  has  attempted  to  give  all  alike  a  constitutional  government." 

Now,  at  first  sight,  or  hearing,  this  specimen  of  Tearem's  bark, 
would  convey  the  erroneous  impression  that  Tearem,  instead  of  being 
a  stauiicli  rough  terrier,  was  a  parlour  spaniel.  But,  on  consideration, 
it  will  be  seen  that  m  opening  his  mouth  to  pronounce  the  above  quoted 
panegyric,  Iearem  not  only  barked,  but  also  bit,  and  that  severely. 
Iearem s  aulogyof  that  "great  monarch"  to  whom  he  alluded  was, 
in  tact,  apiece  of  biting  satire.  Tearem  knows  under  whose  rule 
Venetia  groans,  and  under  the  scourges  of  whose  hangmen  ladies  have 
olea.  Iearem  is  fully  aware  of  the  circumstances  under  which  the 
sovereign  whom  he  ironically  slavered,  granted  a  constitutional  govern- 


ment to  his  subjects;  the  circumstances  of  a  thorough  defeat  just  suf- 
fered, and  the  imminent  disruption  of  his  empire.  Tearem,  attached  to 
his  own  bone,  knew  what  to  think  of  that  prince  who  is  trying  to  take 
away  the  Diet  of  others.  Tearem  knew  also  that  he  was  speaking  to 
the  people  of  Southampton,  whose  ears  once,  when  Andrews  was 
Mayor,  within  the  memory  of  boy,  resounded  with  each  other's  accla- 
mations of  Kossuth,  whom  they  were  the  first  to  welcome  to  the  shores 
of  England.  They,  he  was  sure,  would  understand  the  hyperbole  of  his 
mock  sycophantic  bark,  and  well  enough  perceive  that  Tearem  was 
only  pretending  to  be  Lickem,  and  was  really  vindicating  his  breed  and 
name  by  tearing  'em  to  pieces. 


Homage  to  the  Scotch  Rifles. 

BY  A  SPITEFUL  COMPETITOR. 

It  seems  that  the  Scots 

Turn  out  much  better  shots 
At  long  distance,  than  most  of  the  Englishmen  are : 

But  this  we  all  knew 

That  a  Scotchman  could  do — 
Make  a  small  piece  of  metal  go  awfully  far. 


SOYEZ   SAGE — AND   ONIONS, 


"  If  the  Tories  come  in,"  says  the  Journal  des  Debats, 
certainly  see  a  Normanby  at  the  Board  of  Ministers."    At  it, 
des  Debats  ? 
the  Tories  come 


we  shall 
dear  M. 


No,  no.   On  it,  you  mean,  and  this  will  happen  whether 
;  in  or  not,  and  the  date  will  be  Michaelmas. 


August  24,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


15 


LLION. 


ith  great  fitness  (as 
Punch  is  very  emi- 
nently a  scientific 
journal),  a  letter  has 
been  sent  us  by  an 
eminent  astronomer, 
begging  us  to  keep  a 
sharp  look-out  for  me- 
teors, and  to  help  him 
in  recording  their  po- 
sition and  appearance. 
That  the  instructions 
which  he  gives  us  are 
as  luminous  as  the 
bodies  he  requests  us 
to  observe,  the  ex- 
tract we  append  here 
will  supply  abundant 
proof : — 

"  Let  a  smooth  tree  or 
firm  erect  post,  5  or  6 
inches  thick,  be  selected, 
and  the  ground  made  level 
about  it.  The  observer, 
provided  with  a  piece  of 
chalk,  will  embrace  the 
tree  with  bis  clasped 
hands  at  full  arm's  length, 
the  head  and  body  being- 
held  erect.  At  the  appear- 
ance of  a  Meteor,  the  body 
will  be  swung  about  until 
the  bole  of  the  tree  or  post 
intersects  upon  the  hea- 
vens the  central  point  of 
the  Meteor's  path,  and 
there,  without  deranging 
body  or  e3'e,  he  will  chalk 
at  the  centre  of  the  tree's 
face  a  small  figure  (i),  and 
note  at  ouce  opposite  to  a 
similar  number  in  a  book 
form    of  registry   the 


or  form  ol  registry  tn< 
hour  of  an  imaginary  clock-dial,  towards  which  the  Meteor  might  be  judged  to  have  shot  from  the  centre  out 
wards,  12  o'clock  being  imagined  at  the  top  of  the  post." 


If  it  do  no  other  good,  obedience  to  these  orders  will  at  least  afford  good  exercise,  and  as 
this  will  be  taken  in  the  evening  after  dinner,  doubtless  many  scientific  digestions  will  be 
helped  by  it.  We  can  conceive  a  portly  star-gazer  clasping  a  tree  "  at  full  arm's  length,"  and 
at  lull- stomach's  distance  also,  and  swinging  about  his  body  every  time  he  sees  a  meteor,  until 
the  bole  of  the  tree  crosses  the  meteoric  path.  As  for  bidding  him  do  this  "  without  deranging 
body  or  eye,"  one  might  as  reasonably  expect  him  not  to  whisk  about  his  coat  tails,  or  to 
crumple  his  cravat.  Derangement  not  alone  of  dress  and  body,  but  of  mind  would  be  likely 
to  ensue  to  any  corpulent  observer,  who  should  attempt  to  practise  the  agile  feats  required 
of  him,  and  at  the  same  time  to  inspect  "an  imaginary  clock-dial,"  besides  taking  out  his 
pocket-book  to  register  the  hour,  and  chalking  a  small  figure  "  at  the  centre  of  the  tree's 
face."  What  the  tree's  face  may  be,  we  leave  Mm  to  conjecture,  and  also  how  he  will  per- 
form the  varied  manual  work  required  of  him,  while  all  the  tune  embracing  the  tree  with  his 
clasped  hands.    Nor  are  those  we  have  recorded  the  only  tasks  expected  of  him,  for — 

"  To  this  note  he  will  add  the  time  by  a  common  pocket  watch,  with  the  letter  (m)  meteor,  if  the  star  be 
attended  by  a  tail :  but  if  the  star  be  tailless,  the  letters  (s)  or  (f)  according  as  the  motion  of  the  star  is  judged 
slow  or  fast.  In  the  case  of  the  appearances  (m),  brief  notes  of  the  star's  aspect  may  be  recorded ;  but  in 
the  case  of  tailless  stars,  the  letters  a.  /3  j-,  to  denote  descending  magnitudes  of  them  (like  a  Lyra?,  the  stars 
of  the  Wain,  the  2  side  stars  of  the  Coss,  the  5  stars  of  the  Dolphin,  &c.  for  standards,)  and  a  b  c.  to  denote 
the  length  of  flight  in  steps  of  10°  and  under,  will,  with  accurate  records  of  the  times  of  observation,  suffice 
inmost  cases  to  identify  the  bodies.  The  same  process  will  be  repeated  with  all  the  successive  meteors,  2, 
3,  4,  that  appear  within  the  hour  of  observation." 

After  the  observer  has  obeyed  all  these  directions,  which  are  so  vastly  clear  and  lucid  that  a 
word  of  explanation  would  be  needless  and  impertinent,  the  meteoric  nightwatch  is  to  be 
concluded  thus : — 

"  A  '  horizon  circle  '  should  now  be  drawn  about  the  stem,  where  it  is  cut  by  the  horizon  line  of  the  observer ; 
and  a  'south  line'  erected  vertically  to  this  upon  the  south  face  of  the  trunk,  by  clasping  the  stem  as  in 
a  meteor  observation,  and  observing  the  north  star  at  anytime  when  it  can  be  seen,  ihe  distance  of  the 
observer's  eye  from  this  horizon  circle,  when  standing  erect  at  arm's  length  clasping  the  tree,  is  to  be  measured 
with  a  tape,  and  likewise  the  circumference  of  the  circle  itself,  while  to  the  appropriate  numbers  in  the  book, 
are  to  be  appended  the  tape  measures  of  'Height  above  the  Horizon  Circle'  and  'Distance  Eastward  from 
the  South-line'  of  every  figure  chalked  upon  the  stem  of  the  tree." 

Explicit  as  the  orders  we  have  quoted  may  appear,  they  are  nevertheless  by  no  means  so 
complete  as  we  could  wish ;  for  no  mention  is  made  of  what  observers  are  to  do  in  case  a 
meteor  falls  behind  them,  nor  is  it  said  if  to  corroborate  their  scientific  evidence  they  must 
dig  up  the  tree  or  post  by  which  they  made  their  observations,  and  send  it  to  the  savant  to 
whom  they  send  their  notes.  There  is  enough,  however,  said  to  show  how  people  who  are 
blest  withscientific  minds  may  enjoy  an  economical  and  pleasant  evening's  recreation,  by  stick- 
ing up  a  linen  pole  in  the  middle  of  their  grass  plat,  and  taking  sights  at  any  meteors  at  the 
risk  of  taking  cold.  There  is  likewise  the  further  risk  of  their  mistaking  for  a  meteor  the 
bull's-eye  of  a  policeman,  who  might  be  upon  his  rounds  and  inspecting  their  back  premises,  at 
the  time  when  their  nocturnal  star-gazing  takes  place.  Such  accidents  may  happen  to  most 
scientific  persons,  especially  at  eventide  and  after  a  good  dinner,  when  their  vision,  if  not 
double,  is  not  the  most  distinct. 


LINES  ON  THE  AMERICAN  LOAN. 

How  enviable  that  man's  lot 

From  need  to  labour  free, 
A  heavy  mortgage  who  has  got 

On  others'  industry. 
No  daily  cares  bis  bosom  vex, 

His  sleep  is  sound  and  sweet, 
For  him  no  question  doth  perplex 

Of  making  both  ends  meet. 

Hard  earnings  not  obliged  to  hoard 

Against  a  rainy  day, 
That  happy  mortal  can  afford 

An  Income-Tax  to  pay. 
Not  such  men  Schedule  D  deprives 

Of  what  they  should  lay  by 
For  helpless  age,  or  leave  their  wives 

And  children  when  they  die. 

I  wish  I  had  a  certain  sum, 

That  money  to  invest, 
And  live  on  means  derived  therefrom ; 

Usurious  interest. 
For  then  no  more  I  forced  shordd  be 

My  talents  to  employ  ; 
Shotdd  others  have  to  work  for  me, 

And  live  but  to  enjoy. 

Yet  if  that  sum  of  money,  now, 

I  had  the  luck  to  own, 
America  I'd  not  allow 

To  tempt  me  with  a  Loan. 
Though  she  should  offer  seven  per  cent. 

Or  ten  might  guarantee,    | 
With  Railway  Stock  I  'd  rest  content, 

Or  with  Consols  at  three. 

Because  her  word  is  not  her  bond ; 

Her  promise  is  pie-crust, 
A  sort  of  which  I  am  not  loud : 

Her  pledge  fools  only  trust. 
Who  '11  lend  her  cash,  does  she  suppose, 

To  carry  on  the  War  ? 
Too  broadly  stamped  her  paper  shows 

Repudiation's  R  ! 


AUSTRIA  AND  HUNGARY. 

The  address  of  the  Hungarian  representatives 
to  the  Emperor  of  Austria  is  a  protest  against 
his  _  Majesty's  attempt  to  make  them  exchange 
their  Diet  for  participation  in  the  Reichsrath. 
Francis-Joseph  must  be  sanguine  to  expect 
that  a  nation  retaining  the  name  of  Hungary 
should  consent  to  exchange  its  substantial  Diet 
for  an  airy  substitute.  Hungry  dogs  will  eat 
dirty  puddings,  and  hungry  men  may  sell  their 
birthright  for  a  mess  of  potage ;  but  hunger  is 
just  what  would  naturally  induce  Hungary  to 
retain  and  hold  fast  her  birthright  of  a  constitu- 
tional Diet. 


A  Card  for  Pam. 


The  Lord  Warden  is  affectionately  entreated 
to  recollect  that  he  is  in  some  sort  a  Church- 
Warden,  and  must  not  entirely  delegate  his 
functions  to  an  avowed  Sidesman,  like  Loud  S. 
When  the  Warden  has  next  to  choose  a  bishop, 
let  us  for  once  have  a  hierarch  who  succeeds  to 
something  of  the  knowledge  of  Languages  pos- 
sessed by  the  first  bishops.  The  successors  to 
the  Apostles  should  not  be  Apostle -Spoons.  It 
is  not  pleasant  to  read  at  the  Museum  the  notice, 
"Bishops  learning  Greek  are  requested  not  to 
dogsear  the  Delectus" 


A  JOKE   PICKED   UP  NEAR  ST.   GEORGE'S. 

What  is  the  difference  between  the  Bridegroom 
at  a  wedding  and  the  Potboy  at  a  "Public"  ?  — 
Why,  the  one  is  in  a  Hy-meneal,  and  the  other, 
don't  you  see,  is  in  a  low-menial  position. 


7G 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[August  24,  1861. 


DABBLING. 
Master  Jack  {to  very  refilled  Governess,  who  lias  suddenly  appeared).  "Oh,  Miss  Finnikin,  do  co:,ie  in;  it's  so  awfully  Jolly!" 


THE  ROMAN  BRIGAND  TO  HIS  RECRUIT. 

Am — "  Gentle  ZiteUa." 

Desperate  fellow, 
To  Naples  away ! 
Rome's  Pastorello 
Offers  thee  pay. 
Pray  do  not  linger  too  long  on  the  road ; 
Light  is  advancing  and  Freedom 's  abroad. 
Desperate  fellow,  &c. 

Desperate  fellow, 

Strike  without  fear ; 
Rome's  Pastorello 
Charters  thee  here. 
Hence  !  to  thy  speed  benediction  add  wings  ! 
'Tis  Pio  Nono  himself  who  now  sings  ! 
Desperate  fellow,  &c. 


CURIOSITIES  OE  LITERATURE. 

Call  a  spade  a  spade ;  but,  according  to  a  contemporary  review,  the 
author  of  a  book  about  Rome,  intitled  Roman  Candles,  calls  a  strait 
waistcoat  a  "  waistcoat  that  is  not  crooked."  Surely  this  gentleman 
should  be  put  into  a  strait  waistcoat  himself.  He  would  then  learn 
that  a  strait  waistcoat  is  no  straighter  than  any  other  waistcoat,  and 
unless  content  with  calling  a  strait  waistcoat  a  strait  waistcoat,  would 
perhaps  describe  it  as  a  waistcoat  that  is  not  wide,  but  narrow.  To 
the  '  high  priests  or  cardinals"  the  same  writer  applies  the  name  of 

flamina.  He  may  intend  a  very  subtle  joke  at  the  expense  of  the 
high  priests,  one  that  an  extremely  venturous  ancient  Roman  wag 
might  perhaps  be  conceived  to  have  taken  the  liberty  of  cracking  on  a 
clergy  such  as  that  ot  Cybele.  Possibly  he  may  be  aware  that  fa  men 
a  putt  ot  wind,  and  jlamen  a  high  priest,  are  noun-substantives  of 
diiterent  genders.  If  so  he  is  one  of  those  persons  whose  Latin  scholar- 
ship is  greater  than  their  knowledge  of  English 


NO  JOKE. 

Caution  to   Hotel-Keepers  and  Others. 

"VVe  have  received  information  to-day  that  a  shabby,  plausible 
vagabond  is  touring  about  under  the  assumed  name  of  one  of  our 
artist  contributors,  and  victimising  clivers  Hotel  Proprietors.  We 
trust  the  following  letter  may  check  his  proceedings  : — 

"  Sir,  "  White  Hart  Hotel,  Lewes,  August  12. 

"  On  last  Monday  a  gentleman  came  to  the  above  Hotel,  took  luncheon, 
and  entered  into  conversation  with  other  gentlemen,  casually  stating  that  he  was 

the  artist  for  Punch.      He  afterwards  took  a  Sketch  of  the  County 

Hall,  which  he  showed  to  some  visitors,  and  said  in  a  fortuight  it  would  appear 
in  print.  He  then  ordered  dinner  for  two  at  half-past  six  on  the  following  day, 
and  said  he  should  want  a  bed.  Being  Race  time,  I  could  not  accommodate  him 
with  the  latter,  but  on  Tuesday  I  provided  the  Dinner.  He  ordered  Fried  Soles, 
Cutlets  and  Ham,  and  a  Sweet  Omelette  :  he  came  to  his  time  alone,  his  friend  not 
having  arrived,  and  sitting  in  the  Coffee-room,  made  himself  very  familiar,  and 
was  evidently  an  educated  man  ;  in  fact,  three  or  four  gentlemen  known  to  me 
came  into  the  Bar,  and  asked  who  he  was,  he  was  such  a  clever  fellow.     I  told 

them ,   from  Punch.      Some  Champagne  was  had,  he  having  to  pay  for 

one  bottle.     We  were  very  busy  the  last  day  of  the  Races,  so  Mr. slipped 

off,  and  we  have  not  seen  him  since.  He  had  on  Monday  Pale  Ale  and  Biscuits, 
change  for  sixpence  (the  sixpence  he  told  the  Barmaid  to  charge  in  his  bill) ;  on 
Tuesday,  Sherry  and  Bitters,  Dinner  and  Champagne.  I  must  confess  I  felt  sus- 
picious, his  boots  being  very  bad,  and  his  general  appearance  not  quite  up  to  the 
mark.  A  plaid  cap  and  round  frock  were  his  principal  attire ;  but  as  I  have  fre- 
quently visitors  of  rank  who  arc  not  particular  in  dress,  and  genius  is  often 
eccentric,  I  did  not  pay  so  much  attention  to  his  appearance,  seeing  he  had  nice 
white  hands,  and  that  he  could  sketch  and  talk  well.     I  have  since  heard  from  a 

Mr.  R ,  of  London,  that  the  real is  a  quiet  gentlemanly  man,  very 

different  from  this  talking,  boasting  fellow.  I  thought  I  had  better  let  you  know,  as 
others  might  be  taken  in  who  would  be  proud  to  entertain  any  of  the  Punch 

staff,  and  it  is  too  bad  for  such  a  rascal  to  go  through  the  country  with ■ -'s 

Card. 

"  I  am,  Sir,  your  obedient  Servant,  Ellen  Stenning." 

"P.S.  He  offered   Mr.   ,   of  ,  £5  10s.  for  an  Antique  Gold  Ring 

just  found  on  the  Field  of  the  Battle  of  Lewes,  taking  Mr.  E.'s  name  and  address 
in  his  Pocket-Book.     Mr.  E.  would  not  part  with  it." 


"  Ladies'  Light  Dresses."— From  the  frequency  with  which  it 
takes  fire,  we  should  say  that  Crinoline  was  entitled  to  be  called,  par 
excellence,  "  The  Lady's  Light  Dress." 


h™3 


£d 

o 


August  24,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


79 


A    CHALLENGE. 

"  Mr.  Punch's  excellent  joke  about  Me.  Gladstone  and  the  Irre- 
inoveable  Poor  Bill  reminds  us " 

Ha  !  There  is  an  audacity  which  becomes  sublimity,  and  it  occurs 
to  Mr.  Punch  that  it  has  been  reached  by  the  individual  who,  after  a 
variety  of  similar  Sells,  has  dared  to  venture  upon  an  allusion  to  Mr. 
Punch,  as  bait  for  a  trap— as  the  means  of  leading  the  public  into  the 
perusal  of  an  Advertisement  of  a 

No,  you  don't. 

You  are  a  smart  man,  offspring  of  Benjamin,  and  manufacturer  of 
what  you  call  the  best  and  most  perfect 

Sold  again,  Me.  B.  • 

But,  really,  when  you  introduce  the  clarum  et  venerabile  nomen  of  Mr. 
Punch  into  your  advertisements,  you  ought  to  do  it  more  respectfully. 
Mr.  Punch's  "  excellent "  joke !  How  dare  you  particularise  ?  Which 
of  his  jokes  is  not  excellent  ?  And,  moreover,  he  never  jokes  at  all. 
He  sometimes  enfolds  a  slice  of  wisdom  between  layers  of  sugared  irony, 
but  if  you  think  that  when  in  his  wildest  mood  he  flings  a  jest  you 
have  nothing  but  a  jest,  you  are  in  a  state  which  demands  his  com- 
passion. You  swallow  a  moral  in  every  jujube,  and  if  it  does  not  do 
you  good,  you  are  past  physic,  and  had  better  think  about  deciding 
between  the  cemeteries. 

Nevertheless,  as  there  is  some  ingenuity  about  your  Sells,  and  once 
or  twice  they  have  made  Mr.  Punch  smile,  he  presents  you  with  some 
suggestions.  Did  you  ever  hear  of  Viegil  ?  He  was  a  Latin  poet. 
He  wrote  some  verses.  Somebody  else  claimed  them,  and  was  rewarded 
by  an_  Illustrious  Patron.  Viegil,  incensed,  wrote  the  beginnings  of 
four  lines,  thus: — 

"  Sic  vos  non  vobis 

Sic  vos  non  vobis 

Sic  vos  non  vobis 

Sic  vos  non  vobis " 

These  he  sent  to  the  Liberal  Patron,  who  requested  the  Impostor  to 
finish  them.  Impostor  couldn't,  and  was  kicked.  Here  are  four 
beginnings  of  Puffs  for  you.  Let  us  see  whether  you  can  finish  them. 
If  you  cannot,  and  moreover  cannot  do  it  with  neatness,  we  retract  the 
condonation  of  your  offence,  and  purpose  upon  the  earliest  occasion,  to 
inflict  such  a  terrific  castigation  as — never  mind. 
Now  "  take  off  your  coat,  and  roll  up  your  sleeve,"  and  try  at  this. 

"Alfred  Tennyson  has  exquisitely  commemorated  the  enchantment  by  which 
Merlin  was  rendered  powerless  through  arts  which  himself  had  taught  to  the  wily 
Vivien.  Some  day,  perhaps,  the  Laureate  will  embalm  the  beautiful  moral  in  the 
Story  of  Thomas  the  Rhymer,  who  was  carried  to  Fairy  Land,  and  remained  there  for 
a  time  which  he  supposed  to  be  seven  hours,  but  which  was  in  reality  seven  years. 
As  the  great  magician  of  our  own  time,  Mr.  Punch,  observes,  Thomas  must  have 
slept  on.one  of  those  banks  on  which  the  wild  time  grows.    But  ." 

And  at  this, — 

"  One  of  the  best  American  stories  is  that  of  the  boy  who  was  always  being- 
scolded  by  his  father,  and  who,  being  roughly  ordered  to  go  out  and  fetch  a  log  for 
the  fire,  went  away  altogether.  Returning,  a  full-grown  and  powerful  man,  to  visit 
his  parents,  he  recollected  the  circumstances  under  which  he  had  left  his  home.  He 
heaved  up  a  huge  piece  of  timber  that  was  lying  near,  opened  the  farm-house  door, 
and  beheld  his  father  and  mother  in  their  old  corners.  'I've  brought  the  wood, 
father,'  he  said.  The  calm  parent  looked  at  him  for  a  moment,  and  replied,  '  Well,' 
you  've  been  a  darned  long  time  about  it,  and  now  put  it  down,  and  eat  your 
supper.'    Now ." 

And  at  this, — 

"  Action,  action,  action,  was  the  Greek  orator's  rule  for  a  young  speaker  who 
desired  to  produce  an  effect  on  his  audience.  According  to  historians,  some  of  the 
orators  of  ancient  days  carried  this  rule  to  such  excess  as  to  walk  up  and  down 
while  they  spoke,  and  a  speaker  of  this  kind  was  tauntingly  asked  bv  the  Athenian 
Mr.  Punch,  '  How  many  miles  have  you  declaimed  to-day  ? '    One       " 

And  lastly,  at  this  : — 

"Sir  G.  C.  Lewis,  the  new  Secretary  for  War,  has  ruthlessly  demolished  many  of 
the  fictions  of  antiquity.  We  know  not  whether  he  places  any  faith  in  the  charming 
story  of  the  friendship  of  Damon  and  Pythias,  but  we  should  be  sorry  to  lose  our 
own  belief  m  that  delightful  tale.  From  our  youth  we  have  enjoyed  the  nol  >le 
devotion  of  the  young  Greek  who  offered  himself  hostage  for  his  friend,  and  who 
when  the  time  appointed  arrived,  but  not  the  friend,  went  calmly  forth' to  die  for 
him  The  last  moments  ;  the  youth  kneeling  for  the  blow  ;  the  shout  of  the  crowd  ■ 
the  horseman  spurring  madly  on  ;  the  spring  of  Damon  upon  the  scafiold  the 
repentance  of  the  tyrant-are  things  we  would  not  willingly  let  die  Still  it'  Sir 
George " 

,   Now,  Sir,  Viegil  has  written.    Finish,  or  you  are  an  Impostor,  and 
by  the  Nme  Gods,  shall  be  told  so. 


HOW  THREE  EISHERS  WENT  SALERING. 

Theee  Mothers  sat  talking  who  lived  at  the  West— 
The  West  end — as  that  eldest  son  went  down, 

Each  thought  him  the  husband  that  she  liked  the  best, 
Eor  the  girl  who  had  watched  him  all  over  the  Town. 

For  men  must  pay  or  women  will  weep— 

And  then-  dress  is  expensive,  and  many  to  keep, 
And  their  Mothers  are  always  wo-o-ning. 

Three  gentlemen  lounged  at  their  club-house  door, 
And  they  thought  of  those  girls  as  the  funds  went  down ; 

They  thought  of  then  bankers  and  thought  them  a  bore, 
And  of  bills  that  came  rolling  in  "ragged  and  brown." 

But,  men  must  pay  or  women  wdl  weep — 

Though  debts  be  pressing— still  Mothers  are  deep, 
And  keep  up  a  constant  wo-o-ning. 

Three  gentlemen  lay  in  three  separate  cells — 
The  last  season's  "  necessities  "  pulled  them  down — 

And.  the  women  are  weeping  and  ringing  their  bells, 
Eor  those  who  will  never  more  show  upon  Town, 

Eor  men  must  pay  or  women  will  weep, 

And  the  sooner  you  do  it  the  sooner  you  '11  sleep, 
And  good  bye  to  the  Ma'  and  her  wo-o-nings. 


A  Home  Question. 

In  the  return  of  "  Home-made  Spirits  "  lately  issued  by  the  Govern- 
ment we  can  find  no  mention  made  of  the  spirits  which  last  summer 
were  summoned  from  the  vasty  deep  "  by  shallow-pated  spirit-rappers, 
and  which,  as  Me.  Home  the  medium  was  generally  present  to  assist 
the  manufacture  of  the  spiritual  intercourse,  may  fairly  be  included  in 
the  list  of  HoME-made  spirits.  It  may  be  that  these  Spirits  were  left  out 
ot  the  return,  because  they  have  never  fairly  come  up  to  proper  proof 


SUFFOLK. 

eae  Punch, 

"  L?  your  nerves 
are  in  good  order  and 
you  want  a  new  sen- 
satiou,  let  me  recom- 
mend you  to  try  a 
trip  to  Lowestoft  by 
the  Eastern  Counties 
Rail  way,  when  either 
Suffolk  Volunteers 
are  going  off  from  a 
review,  or  Suffolk 
Yachtsmen  are  re- 
turning home  from 
a  regatta.  The 
chances  are  that  in 
the  one  case  blank 
cartridge  will  be 
banged  out  of  the 
windows  of  your 
carriage,  and  that  in 
the  other  the  pro- 
gress of  your  train 
will  be  marked  by  a 
continual  discharge 
of  squibs  and  sky- 
rockets. This  at 
least  has  been  my  personal  experience  on  two  occasions  lately  when 
travelling  to  Lowestoft,  and  I  think  it  shows  how  finely  bracing 
is  its  ah  that,  after  being  shattered  by  the  first  of  the  attacks,  my 
nerves  were  in  three  days  set  up  enough  to  bear  the  second.  Unluckily 
I  cannot  say  so  much  quite  for  my  wife ;  for  she,  poor  soul !  has  not 
my  iron  constitution,  and  she  was  therefore  so  affected  by  the  rifle 
fusillade  that  she  has  gone  to  bed  each  night  with  cotton  in  her  ears, 
lest  she  should  be  awakened  by  her  dreams  of  railway  fighting. 

"I  am  aware  that  in  imputing  the  faintest  tinge  of _ fault  to  our 
gallant  Volunteers,  I  may  be  mistaken  for  an  idiot  who  thinks  ill  of  the 
movement,  and  is  glad  of  the  least  chance  to  throw  cold  water  and  con- 
tempt on  it.  But  on  the  contrary,  en  masse,  I  much  admire  the  Volun- 
teers, and,  seeing  that  they  save  us  from  much  military  outlay,  as  a, 
taxpayer  I  trust  they  will  increase  and  flourish.  It  is  precisely  to  this 
end  that  I  think  such  silly  freaks  as  filing  rifles  on  a  railroad  ought  to 
be  exposed  for  public  condemnation,  and  if  I  had  my  way  the  delin- 
quents should  forthwith  be  drummed  out  of  the  ranks.  Surely,  after  a 
review,  every  cartridge  pouch  should  be  examined  by  the  Serjeants,  to 
see  that  all  the  rounds  served  out  have  been  expended,  and,  if  not,  to 
see  the  surplus  received  back  into  Store.  And  surely  Volunteers  should 
know  better  when  off  duty  than  in  any  way  to  make  themselves  a 
nuisance  to  the  public  and  a  disgrace  to  their  corps.  Such  freaks  as  I 
have  mentioned  rob  the  movement  of  its  dignity,  and  tend  to  bring  it 
sadly  into  disrepute.  Except  in  educated  circles  the  word  '  distinguo ' 
is  in  England,  but  very  slightly  known  :  and  it  is  too  bad  that  the 
Volunteers  should  sink  in  public  estimation,  because  a  few  Gorillas 
please  to  act  after  the  manner  of  street-boys  on  Guy  Eaux  day,  and  to 
blaze  away  their  powder  for  no  other  earthly  purpose  than  kicking 
up  a  row. 

"  With  regard  to  firing  rockets  out  of  first  class  carriage  windows 


80 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[August  24,  1861. 


(which  I  saw  done  at  Beccles  on  Thursday  the  8th  instant),  this  perhaps  may  be  a  custom  of 
the  county,  for  Suffolk  has  proverbially  the  epithet  of  '  silly/  and  its  fitness  to  be  called  so 
is  by  such  freaks  amply  proved.  Not  being  of  a  speculative  turn  of  disposition,  I  have  never 
held  a  share  in  the  Eastern  Counties  Railway ;  by  which  investment,  I  have  heard,  enormous 
wealth' may  be  amassed.  But  if  I  were  a  shareholder  I  should  certainly  take  care  to  inquire 
at  the  next  meeting  what  effect  the  sparks  from  fireworks  had  on  first  class  carriage-linings, 
and  what  per-centage  of  the  public  would  like  a  squib-and-cracker  carriage  attached  to  every 
train.  I  have  no  wish  to  deprive  people  of  sensible  amusements,  and  if  the  sports  1  have 
described  are  held  to  come  within  that  category,  I  think  that  they  who  like  them  should 
have  full  leave  to  enjoy  them.  But  there  are  proper  times  for  all  things,  and  one  person's 
recreation  must  not  be  another's  nuisance.  So  if  a  man  can't  travel  half-a-dozen  miles  by 
railway  without  banging  off  a  rifle,  or  blazing  off  a  sky-rocket,  I  think  he  ought  to  hire  a 
special  train  for  his  amusement  and  not  be  privileged  to  shatter  the  weak  nerves  of  the  public 

by  it. 

"  I  remain,  Punch,  Yours  obediently, 

"  An  Enemy  to  Gorillas." 


SCENE.-SOMEWHERE  IN  THE  WILDS  OF  SUFFOLK. 

Gallant  Volunteer.  "I  Iwpc  you  don't  object  to  Gunpowder  Smoke,  Sir.      I've  got  four 

more  Blank  Cartridges. " 


MRS.  ROCHEFOUCAULD'S  MAXIMS. 

Beardless  youths  are  most  prone  to  arro- 
gance and  self-sufficiency.  As  they  grow  older 
their  whiskers  cover  a  great  deal  of  their  cheek. 

Men  should  never  choose  a  flirt  for  a  wife, 
be  she  fair  as  Venus.  The  sagacious  housewife 
avoids  the  fruit  that  has  its  bloom  off. 

It  is  difficult  to  hide  one's  vanity;  but  it  is 
more  difficult  still  to  wear  it  gracefully. 

Refinement  covers  a  multitude  of  improprieties. 

Some  women*  blush  to  prove  that  they  have  a 
little  modesty  left. 

When  a  female  friend  asks  your  advice  about 
a  lover,  say  that  he  is  not  worthy  of  her,  and 
counsel  her  to  reject  him.  She  will  vastly  relish 
the  compliment  you  pay  her,  and  the  lover  may 
fall  to  your  lot  into  the  bargain. 

Tears  are  a  woman's  best  and  most  convincing 
reasons. 

A  looking-glass  never  pays  compliments,  but 
it  enables  us  to  win  them. 

We  are  "very  happy  to  see"  people  whom 
we  detest,  and  "  very  much  obliged  "  to  persons 
whose  favours  are  nuisances.  We  return  thanks 
for  the  kind  inqmries  of  acquaintance  who  have 
not  _  the  least  interest  in  us,  and  whom  we  rather 
dislike  than  otherwise. 

A  woman  will  tell  a  secret  to  you,  "  because 
you  're  different" — but  to  nobody  else. 

We  trample  upon  our  fallen  sisters  to  show 
the  world  how  firm  of  foot  we  are  ourselves. 

Time  is  our  bitterest  enemy.  He  makes  us 
wear  caps. 

_  Children  are  milestones  that  tell  the  world  the 
distance  a  woman  has  travelled  from  her  youth. 


How  to  Improve  one's  Writing. 

We  beg  to  announce  (for  we  have  a  reason 
for  it)  that  there  is  anew  novel  published,  called 
Under  the  Spell.  We  beHeve  (and  this  is  our 
reason  for  making  the  gratuitous  announcement, 
for  which  the  publishers,  if  they  have  any  geue- 
rosity  in  their  minds  or  tills,  ought  to  pay  us 
the  full  value  of  an  advertisement)  that  it  is  the 
secret  production  of  one  of  Lord  Maemesbery's 
pet  clerks;  who  wrote  it  with  the  laudable  view 
of  improving  himself  in  his  orthography  previous 
to  going  up  to  pass  his  examination. 


DIXIT,  ET  IN  MENSAM— . 

THE  SCENE  IS  A  PIC-NIC,  AND  MR.  JOSEPH  DE  CLAPHAM  VENTURES  TO 
THINK  THAT  HIS  FIANCEE,  THE  LOVELY  BELGRAVLNIA,  IS  A  LITTLE 
TOO   FAST. 

Now  don't  look  so  glum  and  so  sanctified,  please, 
Eor  folks  comme  ilfaui,  Sir,  are  always  at  ease : 
How  dare  you  suggest  that  my  talk  is  too  free  ? 
II  ri 'est  jamais  de  mal  en  bon  compagnie. 

Must  I  shut  up  my  eyes  when  I  ride  in  the  Park  ; 
Or  pray  would  you  like  me  to  ride  after  dark  ? 
If  not,  Mr.  Prim,  I  shall  say  what  I  see, 
//  ri  est  jamais  de  mal  en  hon  compagnie. 

What  harm  am  I  speaking,  you  stupid  Old  Nurse  ? 

I  'm  sure  Papa's  newspaper  tells  us  much  worse, 
He's  a  clergyman,  too,  are  you  stricter  than  he? 

II  n 'est  jamais  de  mal  en  bon  compagnie. 

I  knew  who  it  was,  and  I  said  so,  that 's  all ; 

I  said  who  went  round  to  her  box  from  his  stall, 
Pray  what  is  your  next  prohibition  to  be  ? 

II  n' est  jamais  de  mal  en  bon  compagnie. 

"  My  grandmother  would  not—  '    0,  would  not,  indeed  ? 
Just  read  Horace  Wamole— Yes,  Sir,  I  do  read, 


Besides,  what 's  my  grandmother's  buckram  to  me  ? 
2/  ti est  jamais  de  mal  en  bon  compagnie. 

"  I  said  it  before  that  old  roue,  Lord  Gadde  ; " 
That 's  a  story,  he  'd  gone ;  and  what  harm  if  I  had  ? 
He  has  known  me  for  years — from  a  baby  of  three. 
II  ii est  jamais  de  mal  en  bon  compagnie. 

You  go  to  your  Club  (and  this  makes  mc  so  wild,) 
There  you  smoke  and  you  slander  man,  woman,  and  child; 
But  1  'm  not  to  know  there 's  such  people  as  she — 
II  n 'est  jamais  de  mal  en  bon  compagnie. 

It 's  all  your  own  fault :  the  Academy,  Sir, 
You  whispered  to  Philip,  "  No,  no,  it 's  not  her, 
Sir  Edwin  would  hardly — "  I  heard,  mm  ami ; 
II  )i est  jamais  de  mal  en  bon  compagnie. 

Well  there,  I  'm  quite  sorry :  now,  stop  looking  haugMy, 
Or  must  I  kneel  down  on  my  knees  and  say  "naughty  ?  " 
There  !    Get  me  a  peach,  and  I  wish  you  'd  agree 
//  ii  est  jamais  de  mal  en  bon  compagnie. 


To  Persons  of  Floating  Capital. — Cannot  the  Thames  Embank- 
ment be  somehow  managed  by  the  investment  of  money  as  a  specu- 
lation in  the  proposed  Bank  of  the  Thames  ? 


August  24,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


81 


SERENADE    B" 


IUSICAL    POLICEMAN. 


(accompanied  by  himself  on  guitar.) 
Avi—"  Deh  licni  alia  finest ra." 

H  come  to  the  area  rail- 
ing, 

Delight  of  my  heart  and 
soul! 

Thou  knowest  thy  lover's 
f  ailing ; 

I  long  for  a  nice  hot  roll, 

O'erflowing  with  lots  of 
butter ; 

And  over  a  cup  of  tea 

I  long,  how  I  long,  to 
mutter 

The  vows  of  love  to  thee ! 

Thy  people    are   out  of 

Town  now, 
Board-wages  thou  may'st 

be  on, 
Thou  safely  caust  take  me 

down  now 
The  family  all  are  gone ; 
No  child  crying,    'I  see 

Mary 
Up  out  of  the  kitching  go 
To  a  Pleaceman  outside 

the  airey, 
And    both    went     down 

below !  " 


A  LECTURE  ON  MNEMONICS. 

These  is  an  invention  called  Mnemonics.  It  is  intended  to  muddle 
the  memory  under  pretext  of  assisting  it.  A  person  who  cannot 
remember  three  figures,  say  642,  is  told  to  think  of  the  "  Sikhs,"  and 
then  great  "fortitu''de  in  the  last  war.  Mr.  Punch  has  not  much 
respect  for  this  invention,  and  rather  less  for  anybody  who  requires  it. 
If  a  person  gives  proper  and  undivided  attention  to  a  statement,  he  can 
remember  it.  Nobody  forgets  anything  in  which  he  is  really  interested. 
He  only  wants  "  waking  up,"  just  like  his  friend  who  pretends  not  to 
hear  you  the  first  time  you  speak,  and  always  makes  you  repeat  your 
question.  Notice  him  in  the  presence  of  his  superior,  or  of  somebody 
whom  he  wants  to  serve  him.  He  can  hear  fast  enough  then.  Memory 
can  "wake  up  "  in  similar  fashion.  One's  wife  often  forgets  what  one 
has  told  her  about  the  National  Debt,  but  does  she  ever  forget  the  day 
for  Lady  Susan's  party  ? 

The  other  night  Mr.  Punch  was  unluckily  in  company  with  one  of 
the  Professors  of  Mnemonics,  who  wished,  naturally,  to  distinguish 
himself  under  the  eyes  of  the  Immortal.  Affable  in  manner  as  colossal 
in  intellect,  Mr.  Punch  assented  to  an  experiment.  The  following 
conversation  ensued  -.— 

Professor.  Will  you  favour  me  with  a  subject,  Mr.  Punch  ? 

Mr.  Punch.  Take  the  Census.  There  is  a  pretty  young  lady  beside 
you  {Pretty  Young  Lady  smiles  and  blushes),  make  her  remember  the 
English,  Scotch,  aud  Irish  returns,  and  the  total. 

Pretty  Young  Lady.  O  dear,  I  am  sure  I  never  shall. 

Mr.  Punch.  Well,  my  love,  let  him  try. 

Professor.  But  I  don't  know  the  numbers  myself. 

Mr.  Punch.  More  shame  for  you.  Give  me  a  card.  {Writes.)  There ! 
I  have  written  them  down  for  you.    Now  go  a-head. 

Professor.  My  clear  young  lady — 

Mr.  Punch.  Stop,  hold  hard.  She  is  Our  dear  young  lady;  so  don't 
begin  your  art  of  memory  by  forgetting  yourself. 

Professor.  I  beg  pardon. 

Mr.  Punch.  Go  on,  then. 

Professor.  Miss  Sparkles,  I  will  first  endeavour  to  fix  the  English 
Census  in  your  memory.    I  shall  take  the  liberty  of  omitting  fractious. 

Mr.  Punch.  If  you  do,  I  shall  take  the  liberty  of  punching  your  head. 
None  of  your  shuffling.  Come.  In  England  and  Wales,  there  are 
Twenty  Millions,  and  sixty-one  thousand,  seven  hundred  and  twenty 
five  persons.     Shall  you  remember  that,  my  darling  ? 

His  Barling.  O  dear,  no,  not  if  I  were  to  try  for  a  year. 

Mr.  Punch.  Go  it,  Professor. 

Professor.  In  the  first  place,  Miss,  we  want  Twenty.  That  is  a  Two, 
and  an  Ought.  Now,  the  figure  2  is  something  like  the  written  letter  n. 

Mr.  Punch.  As  much  like  a  hen  as  you  're  like  a  cock.  But  let 's 
hear,  Hennypenny. 

Professor.  Like  an  n.  And  a  nought  is  like  an  0.  Well,  now  we  must 
make  a  word,  which  is  "  no."    Will  you  remember  that,  young  lady  ? 


Young  Lady.  But  a  young  lady's  "  no  "  means  "  yes  "  sometimes.  I 
might  think  of  that,  and  get  dreadfully  wrong  in  my  arithmetic. 

Mr.  Punch.  Very  well  said,  my  dear.    One  for  your  nob,  Professor. 

Professor.  It  is  not  fair  for  you  to  interfere.  Now,  we  've  got  No, 
which  means  Twenty.  Now  for  Sixty  One.  Well,  6  is  exactly  like  a 
written  1> ,  turned  the  other  way,  and  1  is  a  capital  I. 

Mr.  Punch.  You  might  as  well  say  it  was  a  capital  nose. 

Professor.  Be  quiet,  Sir.    Well,  d,  i,  is  di. 

Mr.  Punch.  Never  say  die. 

Professor.  So  we  have  no,  di. 

Mr.  Punch.  Or  Noddy.    Is  this  Tom  Noddy's  secret  ? 

Professor.  Be  quiet,  Sir.  Now  for  Seven  hundred  and  Twenty-five 
and  7  is  like  an  F  turned  the  other  way,  and  2  as  we  said  is  n,  and  5  I 
must  ask  you  to  think  of  as  £ — it  may  help  you  to  think  that  L  in 
Roman  numerals  means  50,  and  there  are  five  letters  in  "fifty." 

Mr.  Punch.  Never  saw  such  an  ell  taken  when  an  inch  was  given, 
before. 

Professor.  It's  quite  easy  when  you  are  used  to  it.  There  we  have 
/,  n,  and  /,  but  as  that  makes  no  word,  we  may  put  in  vowels,  only 
remember  we  don't  use  them  in  counting.    What  can  we  make  of 

fn,n 

Mr.  Punch.  I  know,  but  it  would  be  rude  to  say,  only  with  humbug 
after  it,  I  know  who  would  be  described,  and  I  don't  mean  celestial. 

Professor.  Sir,  yoii  are  impolite.  Suppose  we  say  final.  Put  all 
together,  and  we  have  "  no  di  final."  Now,  how  many  people  are  there 
in  England  and  Wales  ? 

Young  Lady.  Let  me  think.  N  stands  for  nought,  and  O  stands  for 
one,  that 's  91,  and  final  means  fifty,  yes,  that 's  right,  and  there  are 
915  people  in  England  and  Wales.  No,  that  can't  be  right,  because  there 
are  more  than  a  thousand  in  our  little  town  near  Reigate — 0, 1  suppose 
there  are  915  millions. 

Mr.  Punch.  Potaturus  te  saluto,  Professor. 

Professor.  Rome  wasn't  built  in  a  day,  Mr.  Punch. 

Mr.  Punch.  Who  said  it  was  F  Don't  you  go  cutting  off  to  Rome — 
but  finish  your  teaching,  or  own  that  it 's  no  go. 

Professor.  With  proper  attention,  my  system  could  be  mastered  in  a 
few  weeks. 

Mr.  Punch.  I  '11  teach  her  the  numbers  in  a  few  minutes.  My  love, 
how  old  are  you  ? 

Young  Lady.  Twenty,  clear. 

Mr.  Puncli.  Then  think  of  your  own  age  for  the  millions. 

Young  Lady.  To  be  sure,  I  shall  never  forget  that.  But  when  I  'm 
twenty-one  ? 

Mr.  Punch.  Then  there  will  be  twenty-one  millions. 

Young  Lady.  Delightful !  But  the  little  numbers.  I  shall  never 
remember  those. 

Mr.  Punch.        Six  one     seven        two    five, 

Dick 's    won   heaven's   blue   hive. 

The  sounds  will  remind  you.  Think  of  Dick,  because  it 's  the  short 
for  Richard,  who — 0, 1  know  all  about  it.  Did  Dick  never  tell  you 
that  your  eyes  were  heavenly  blue — very  neglectful  of  Dick  if  he  didn't, 
and  that  he  hoped  he  had  won  their  favour  ? 

Young  Lady.  For  shame — what  a  tease  you  are. 

Mr.  Punch.  Come,  there 's  "  Dick  's  won  heaven's  blue,"  and  as  for 
the  hive,  a  pretty  poet  said  that  a  pretty  lady's  Hps  looked  as  if  a  bee 
had  stung  it  newly.  Did  Dick  ever  tell  you  that  a  bee  had  come  out 
of  a  hive  and  stung  your  lip  ? 

Young  Lady.  No,  he  never  did. 

Mr.  Punch.  Did  he  ever  tell  you  anything  about  your  lips  ? 

Young  Lady.  Never  mind.  But  I  shall  always  remember  that.  I  am 
20,  and — let  me  see,  Dick's  six,  won  one,  heaven's  seven,  blue  two, 
hive  five.    There  are  20  millions,  and  61725  people. 

Mr.  Punch.  Hurrah,  hurrah,  hooray !  {Dances  about  the  room. 

Professor.  Ah,  but  that 's  quackery. 

Mr.  Punch.  You  're  another. 

Professor.  Am  I  ? 

Mr.  Punch.  Yes,  you  are. 

Professor.  Am  I  ? — take  that ! 

Mr.  Punch.  And  you  take  that !  [Eveunt,  fighting  like  good  ones. 


Gradual  Justice  for  the  Eoman  States. 

By  a  letter  from  the  Eternal  City  we  are  informed  that  "trial  by 
jury  is  to  be  gradually  introduced  into  the  ex-papal  provinces."  _  Such  a  | 
famine  of  justice  has,  under  the  papal  government,  prevailed  in  those  \ 
states,  that  the  people,  almost  starved  for  the  want  of  that  moral  I 
necessary,  are  unable  to  take  too  much  of  it  at  once,  and  have  to  be  fed 
with  a  little  at  a  time. 


CONSOLATION  FOE,  COCKNEYS. 

is  all  very  well  to  talk  of  the  fine  boulevards  of  Paris ;  but  in  the 
Prench  metropolis,  where  the  rent  is  so  high,  and  the  living  so  dear, 
there  is  not  one  street  to  be  named  with  Cheapside. 


It 


CHATtlVART. 


[August  24,  1861. 


Major  Aldeeshot  returning  from  Parade,  flatters  himself  that  his  Rat-tailed  Charger  is  much  admired  since  the  Saddler 

has  supplied  him  with  a  new  tail  ! 


ALLEGED    SUICIDE    OF    THE    POPE. 

The  truthful  Paul  Cullen,  titular  Archbishop  of  Dublin,  in  a 
pastoral  as  romantic  as  usual,  lately  addressed  to  bis  flock  of  simple 
Arcadians,  pronounces  the  subjoined  panegyric  on  "  Our  beloved  Holy 
Father,  Pius  the  Ninth  :  "— 

"  Though  violently  assailed  by  the  enemies  of  God  and  religion,  he  steers  with  a 
firm  hand  the  bark  of  Peter.  'Whilst  other  princes  and  statesmen  present  a  lament- 
able picture  of  weakness  or  perfidy,  and  are  tossed  about  like  fragile  reeds,  he 
upholds  the  principle  of  eternal  justice  and  the  rights  of  the  Church  and  of  society 
with  undaunted  courage,  at  the  same  time  edifying  the  world  by  his  meekness,  his 
humility,  his  fortitude,  and  all  the  other  virtues  which  adorn  Christ's  vicar  on  earth. 
What  a  happiness  that  God  has  given  to  his  Church  so  holy  a  pontiff  to  guide  and 
direct  her  in  these  troubled  times  ! " 

We  are  informed  that  the  principle  of  eternal  justice,  and  the  rights 
of  the  Chinch  aud  Society,  have  oeen  upheld  by  the  Pope  with  un- 
daunted courage,  whilst  at  the  same  time  he  has  edified  the  world  by- 
Iris  meekness  and  humility,  in  ordering  Father  Giacomo,  Count 
Cavour's  Confessor,  into  the  custody  of  the  Inquisition.  Father 
Giacomo  went  to  Rome  at  the  Pope's  summons,  to  give  his  Holiness 
some  account  of  Cavour's  last  moments,  and  the  Court  of  Rome  is 
said  to  have  committed  him  for  examination  by  the  Holy  Office,  either 
because  he  refused  to  acknowledge  that  he  had  improperly  giveu 
Count  Cavour  absolution  without  having  first  obtained  from  him  a 
retractation  of  his  political  opinions,  or  because  he  declined  to  break 
the  seal  of  confession.  The  Papal  Court  is  also  reported  to  have 
deprived  Father  Giacomo,  now  liberated,  of  his  benefice.  If  these 
statements  are  true,  they  are  additional  confirmations,  if  any  additional 
confirmation  were  needed,  of  the  truth  as  it  is  in  Cullen. 

But,  surely,  they  can  hardly  be  truer  than  the  marvels  related  in  the 
Lives  of  the  Saints,  or  in  the  autobiography  of  Baron  Munchausen. 
They  are  too  bad  to  be  true.  The  Pope,  indeed,  exemplified  his  idea  of 
the  principle  ot  eternal  justice  by  refusing  to  surrender  Mortara  the 
kidnapped  little  Jew.  But  then  his  Holiness  confounded  his  notion  of 
eternal  justice  with  Ins  conception  of  the  ri°hts  of  the  Church.  His 
spiritual  personality  commanded  his  temporal  personality  to  retain  the 
christened  Israelite.    But  in  placing  Father  Giacomo  under  arrest, 


particularly  if  for  refusing  to  dividge  the  secrets  of  the  Confessional, 
the  temporal  half  of  the  Sovereign  Pontiff  woidd  have  urged  his 
spiritual  moiety  to  the  commission  of  sacrilege  aud  persecution  against 
a  faithful  priest.  It  is  difficult  to  suppose  him  capable  of  making  a 
Father  Confessor  a  Confessor  to  the  Tribunal  of  Penance.  Such  an  act 
would  be  suicidal.  The  temporal  ruler  would  cut  the  spiritual  ruler's 
throat.  No  one  doubts  that  Pio  Nono  believes  in  the  Church  which 
he  governs,  and  by  the  profanation  and  injustice  of  which  he  is  accused, 
he  would,  in  doing  for  himself  and  his  supremacy,  have  effectually 
knocked  that  Church  ou  the  head. 

Besides,  Father  Giacomo  is  the  subject  of  Victor-Emmanuel. 
His  detention  would  have  been  a  casus  belli.  Is  it  possible  that  the 
Emperor  op  the  French  would  protect  the  Pope  iu  such  an  out- 
rage as  that  upon  the  King  and  nation  of  Italy,  and  the  Roman  Catholic 
Church  itself  to  boot  ?  No,  no.  What  Dr.  Cullen  says  must  gene- 
rally be  reversed  iu  order  to  be  believed,  but  let  us  hope  that  the 
character  which,_  in  the  above  quotation  from  his  pastoral,  is  ascribed 
to  his  Holiness,  is  not  quite  to  be  understood  in  so  completely  opposite 
a  "sense  as  it  ought  to  be  if  the  Pope  has  really  arraigned  Father 
Giacomo,  and  punished  him  for  giving  absolution  to  a  dying  penitent, 
or  refusing  to  split  upon  his  shrift.  Had  he  been  guilty  of  such  con- 
duct as  that,  Napoleon  would  tell  Goyon  to  remove  the  bayonets 
on  which  (with  St.  Peter's  cushion  intervening)  the  Holy  Father  is 
now  hoisted ;  aud  the  consequence  would  be  ridiculous  and  painful. 


A  Warning. 

"  Mr.   J.   Arthur   Roebuck,  is  engaged  upon  a  political   history  of  his  own  | 
country." — Literary  Gossip. 

So  much  the  better.  But  he  must  not  appropriate  the  title  of  Lady 
Calcott's  charming  book.  He  is  not  to  call  his  work  Little  Arthur's 
En  gland. 

NOTE   ON  A  RECENT   PHILIPPIC. 

Why  is  Bernal  Osborne  like  a  fishmonger  ? 

Because,  when  out  of  plaice,  he  naturally  resorts  to  Billingsgate. 


.:.,u  uj  mum  m.muuvy,  m  i\o.  1.1,  \J  [>per  v.  ouurn  ri.-.fe,  and  Krcderiek  Mullen  Evans,  of  No.  19,  Queen's  K.iad  West.  11  e-ent's  Parle,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Pancras,  in  the  County  of  Middlesex, 
"inters,  at  their  Office  in  Lombard  Street,  in  the  Precinct  of  Whitefriars,  iu  the  City  of  London,  and  Published  by  them" at  No.  85,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  City  of  Londoo.- 
Satukdaj,  August  2-1,  .181)1. 


RE-ISSUE     OF     PUNCH. — THE  DOUBLE    VOLUME  for  1844    (Vols.  6    and    7 

together),  Price  10s.  6d.,  in  cloth,  and  Vol.  7,  Price  5s.,  in  boards,  will  both  be  Published  on 
the  31st  instant. 


> 
< 

Q 
DC 

< 
CO 

> 

111 
> 

UJ 

Q 

u 

I 

CD 

_J 
CO 

a. 


[Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


THE 


Shortly  will  be  Published,  in  Three  Vols.,  Price  £1  lis.  6d., 

SILVER         C 

BY   SHIRLEY   BROOKS. 

AUTHOR  OF  "  ASPEN  COURT,"  "  THE  GORDIAN  KNOT,"  &c. 
BRADBURY  &  EVANS,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


O    R    D. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI,  August  31,  1861. 


NSW    GUIDES    TOIL    1861. 

SOUTH    OF ''ENGLAND  — 
KENTfOanterlmry,  Margate,  &c),  a*-.  6c?. 
SUSSEX  (Hastings,  Lewes,  So.)  2s.  6eZ. 
HAMPSHIRE  and  Isle  of  Wight,  2s.  U. 

II. 

SURREY. 

In  One  neat   Volume,  with  Map,  and    Numerous 

Illustrations,  Price  5*. 

BLACK'S  GUIDE  to  SURREY. 
Including  a  full  description  of  the  His- 
tory, Antiquities,  and  Tonography  of  the  County. 

III. 
SCOTLAND. 

Just  Published,  a  New  Edition  ( the  15th,  1SG1 ) . 
Price  8s.  id.,  of 

BLACK'S  PICTURESQUE 
TOURIST  OP  SCOTLAND,  contain- 
ing an  Account  of  all  the  Places  most  worthy  of  being 
Visited,  the  Names  of  the  best  Hotels  and  Inns,  and 
other  useful  information  :  a  correct  Travelling  Map, 
22  Charts  of  interesting  Localities,  and  4  Plans  of 
Towns.  Illustrated  by  9  Engravings  in  Steel,  and 
117  Woodcuts. 

Edinburgh:  A. &  C. Black,  London:  Smith  &  Son, 
and  all  Booksellers. 


IN    THE    WORLD. 

By  the  Author  of  "  Cousin  Geoffrey," 
"The  jilt,"  "Hope  Evermore,"  &c,  &c.  3  Vols. 
Post  Svo. 

"This  new  tale,  by  Mrs.  Gordon  Smythies  (whom 
Thomas  Campbell,  the  poet,  decided  to  be  'The 
Queen  of  the  domestic  novel'),  unites  tbe  pathos 
and  high  moral  of  her  'Married  for  Love,'  with  the 
wit  of  her  'Cousin  Geoffrey,'  and  the  humour  01  her 
'  Marrying  Man.'"— The  Morning  Chronicle. 
Hurst  and  Blacxett. 


HER  MAJESTY'S  VISIT  TO 
IRELAND.  —  Caxl.ighan's  Oprea, 
Race,  and  Field  Glasses,  matchless  for  power 
and  portability;  may  be  worn  round  the  neck  as  a 
d mljle  eye-glass.  Invaluable  to  the  tourist,  and  for 
viewing  scenery  at  four  to  five  miles  distance  are 
preferred  to  the  telescope.  Equally  available  at  the 
opera-house,  race-course,  or  review.  Price  31)8.,  45s„ 
5U» ,  70«.,  and  80s  ,  according  to  size  and  power.— May 
be  had  at  Messrs.  Smith  &  Son's  Bookstalls  at 
tbe  principal  railway  stations:  and  in  Ireland  at 
Bray,  tbe  Curragh,  Killarney,  Kingstown,  Limerick 
Junction,  Mallow,  Newbridge,  and  21,  Lower  Sack- 
ville  Street,  Dublin ;  or  will  be  sent  free  on  remit- 
tance to  William  Callaghan,  Optician,  23  a,  New 
Bond  Street,  W.,  corner  of  Conduit  Street,  London. 


WEDDING  STATIONERY 

50  samples  POST  FREE 

;    PARKINS  &  G0TT9  & 

25  OXFORD  STLONDOH 


PAPER  COLLARS,  6d.  PER 

A  Doz.,  or  bs.  per  gross,  Post  free. — 
Patentee,  Arthur  Granger,  Paper  Hat  and  Dra- 
pery Depdt,  and  Cheap  Stationery  Warehouse,  308, 
Highllolborn.W.C. 

Trade  supplied;  Agents  wanted. 

HOT    WEATHER -DR. 

HUGO'S  MEDICAL  ATOMS,  taken  at 
night,  produce  refreshing  sleep,  cool  the  whole  sys- 
tem, ami  give  lightness  and  energy  to  mind  and 
body.  They  have  a  delightful  taste,  and  may  be 
eaten  as  sweets.  Sold  by  all  Druggists,  at  Is.  lid. 
and  2s.  (Jd.  per  packet. 


if, 


SIMPSOH  &  Co., 

Whip  Manufacturers, 
314,  Oxford  Street,  London. 
Agents — All  Saddlers  in  every  Country  Town. 
A  large  assortment  of  the  following  GOODS  always 
in  stock:— Spurs,  dog  chains,  couples  and  collars, 
greyhound  slips,  whittles,  ferret  bells,  dog  bells  and 
mu2zles,  drinking  flasks,  Sandwich  cases,  hunting 
and  post  horns,  tourist  kegs,  birdcalls,  Sc.  Sc. 


GARDNERS'*^ 

DINNER  SERVICES 
,453&6aSTRAN£fc: 


PIANQEOKTES    FOR   HIRE 

A  (Carriage  free,) 

of  every  description,  with  option  ci  purchase. 

PEACIIEY'S    Extbnbitb    Showrooms, 

73,  Bishopsgate  Street  Within, E.G. 

%■  Grand  Pianos  (first  elaoa)  for  Concerts.  &c. 

THE~N0F I 'E~0  U T  L "0 'OR 

■*■  GAME,  CROQUET.  Price,  with 
French  polished  Mallets,  Balls,  Gilt  Arches,  and 
Copyright  Laws  of  the  Game,  21s.;  Ditto  in  box 
complete,  25s. ;  superior  quality,  45s.;  polished  hard 
wood,  60s.  To  be  Lad  at  all  Fancy  Repositories. 
Wholesale,  Jaqu:  s  &  Son,  102,  Hatton  Garden. 


PRIZE  MEDAL,  PARIS  EXHIBITION,  1855. 

WETCALFE,    BXNGLEY, 

Afi"  &  Co. 's  New  Pattern  Tooth  Brushes, 
penetrating  unbleached  Hair  Brushes,  improved 
Flesh  Brushes,  and  genuine  Smyrna  Sponges,  with 
every  description  of  Brush,  Comb,  and  Perfumery, 
13tm,  and  131,  Oxford  Street.  Metcalfe's  cele- 
brated Alkaline  Tooth  Powder,  2s.  per  box. 


^0  MORE  PILLS  OR  OTHER  MEDICINES  FOR  OLD  OR  YQUITG. 


"  "We  find  the  safest  remedy  in  DU  BARRY'S  delicious  health-restoring 


For  Habitual  Constipation,  Dyspepsia  (Indigestion).  Palpitation,  Acidity,  Nausea,  Consumption, 
Coughs,  Colds,  Asthma,  Bronchitis.  Haemorrhoids,  Nervousness,  Biliousness,  Torpidity  of  the 
Liver,  Debility,  &c."— Andrew  Ure,  M.D.,  F.R.S.  ;  Dr.  Harvey,  Dr.  Shotland,  Dr.  Campbell. 

Dr.  Wurzer's  Testimonial: — "  Du  Barry's  Food  is  particularly  effective  in  curing  dyspepsia 
(indigestion),  habitual  constipation,  as  also  diarrhoea,  bowel,  and  liver  complaints,  affections  of 
the  kidneys  and  bladder,  inflammatory  irritation  and  cramp  of  the  urethra,  and  hemorrhoids, 
also  in  cough,  asthma,  debility,  and  incipient  pulmonary  and  bronchial  consumption." — Dr.  Bud. 
Wurzer,  Professor  of  Medicine  and  Practical  M.D.  It  saves  50  times  its  cost  in  other  remedies 
and  all  Doctors'  and  Apothecaries'  Bills. 

We  extract  a  few  out  of  many  thousand  cures: — Cure,  No.  1,771.  Lord  Stuart  de  Decies,  of 
many  years'  dyspepsia. — No.  49,832.  "  Fifty  years'  indescribable  agony  from  dyspepsia,  nerv- 
ousness, asthma,  cough,  constipation,  flatulency,  spasms,  sickness,  and  vomiting.  Maria  Joly, 
of  Lynn,  Norfolk." — Cure,  No.  5S.816.  Field-Marshal  the  Duke  ofPtuskow,  of  dyspepsia,  con- 
stipation, nervousness,  and  liver  complaints. — Cure,  No.  47,121.  Miss  Elizabeth  Jacobs,  Nazing 
Vicarage,  Waltham  Cross,  Herts,  of  extreme  nervousness,  indigestion,  gatherings,  low  spirits, 
and  nervous  fancies. — Cure,  No.  54,816.  The  Rev.  James  T.  Campbell,  Syderstone  Rectory,  near 
Fakenham,  Norfolk,  "of  indigestion  and  torpidity  of  the  liver,  which  had  resisted  all  medical 
treatment ;  inquiries  will  be  cheerfully  answered." 

Packed  in  tins  at  Is.  lid.,  1  lb.,  2s,  9d.  ;  2  lb.,  4s.  ficZ.  ;  5  lb.,  lis.  ;  121b.,  22s.  ;  24  lb.,  free  of 
carriage,  40s.  Super  refined  quality,  10  lb.,  S3s. — Barry  LV  Barry  &  Co.,  No.  77,  Regent  Street. 
London  ;  also  Fortnum,  Mason  &  Co. ;  and  at  60,  Gracechurch  Street ;  4,  Cheapside  ;  63  and  150, 
Oxford  Street ;    229,  330,  430,  and  451,  Strand;  and  through. all  respectable  Grocers  and  Chemists, 


SHEFFIELD   MANUFACTURES, 

OPPOSITE  TO  THE  PANTHEON,  OXFORD  ST&E:. 

THE  ONLY  LONDON   ADDRESS. 

THE  LARGEST  STOCK  IN   LONDON  OF  CUTLERY  AND 
ELECTRO-SILVER  PLATE, 

The  most  beautiful  and  varied  assortment  to  be  seen  anywhere,  of  Tea  and  Dinner  Services, 
Cruets,  Cruet  Frames,  Dish  Covers,  Side  Dishes,  Waiters,  Tea-Trays,  Fruit  Stands,  Epergnes, 
Ac,  the  Quality  excellent,  and  the  Prices  most  reasonable. 

Forwarded  direct  from  their  Manufactory,  ROYAL  CUTLERY  WORKS,  Sheffield. 

MAPPIN   &  Co.'s  UNRIVALLED  TABLE  CUTLERY. 


1  doz.  Table  Knives,  Ivory  handles. 

1  doz.  Cheese  Knives 

1  pair  Registered  Meat  Carvers    

1  pair  Extra  size  ditto 

1  pair  Poultry  Carvers 

1  Steel  for  sharpening 


Complete  Service 


Good 

Medium. 

Suoerior. 

£0  13 

0 

£1     0 

0 

£1  15     0 

0  10 

0 

0  15 

0 

15     0 

0     4 

6 

0    7 

0 

0  12    0 

0     5 

6 

0    8 

0 

0  13    6 

0     4 

■: 

0    7 

0 

0  12    0 

0     2 

6 

0    3 

6 

0    4     6 

£2     0 

0 

£3    0 

6 

£5    2    0 

Round  the  Head,  In  manner  of  a  fillet,  leaving 
the  Kara  loose , .        . . 


From  the  Forehead  over  to  the  poll,  as  deep 
each  way  as  required 


From  one  Temple  to  the  other  across  the  rise 
or  Crown  of  the  Head  to  where  the  Hair  grows 


Is  dotted 
1  to  1. 


5  6  dotted 

:  to  2. 


As  marked 
3  to  3. 


Inches.  Eighths. 


THE  CHARGE  FOR  THIS  UNIQUE  HEAD  OB' 
HALR,  ONLY  £1  10s. 


These  Table  Knives  are  guaranteed  the  best  sold  in  London,  at  the  prices  charged.     They  are 
made  from  the  very  best  steel,  and  the  handles  are  so  secured  that  they  cannot  become  loose  in 
hot  water.     It  is  in  consequence  of  MESSRS.  MAPFIN  <fc  Co.  being  Manufacturers,  that  they 
are  enabled  to  offer  their  Table  Knives  at  such  unprecedented  low  prices. 
MAPPIN  &  Co.  have  no  connection  with  any  House  of  a  similar  name  in  London. 
MAFPIN  AND  Co.,  London  Show  Rooms,    opposite  to  tbe 
PANTHEON,  OXFORD    STREET; 
SHEFFIELD  MANUFACTORY,  ROYAL  CUTLERY  WORKS. 

THE  NEW  COLOUR  FOR   GENTLEMEN'S   DRESS.-THE 

■&■  Imperial  Blue  is  now  ready  in  every  variety  of  Morning  Suits,  and  Overcoats,  at  H.  J.  and 
D.  NICOLL'S,  No.  114,  Regent  Street,  22,  Comhill,  and  10,  St.  Ann's  Square,  Manchester. 

KNICKERBOCKERS— IN  THE  "  CORNHILL  MAGAZINE  "  OP 
October,  18t>0,  the  above  costume  is  described  in  the  following  terms  : — "  Knickerbockers, 
surely  the  prettiest  boy's  dress  that  has  appeared  these  hundred  years."  In  order  to  place  this 
great  improvement  in  BOYS'  DRESS  within  the  reach  of  all  well-to-do  families,  Messrs. 
NICOLL  now  make  the  costume  complete  for  Two  Guineas.  There  is  a  large  selection  of  Pale- 
tots, Overcoats,  and  other  Garments,  prepared  for  Young  Gentlemen  coming  home  for  the 
holidays.  Messrs.  H.  J.  and  D.  NICOLL  have  adapted  the  Knickerbocker  Dress  for  Boys  (about 
three  years  of  age),  as  the  First  Cloth  Suit  on  leaving  off  the  petticoat  dress  ;  the  cost  varying 
from  one  guinea.  Sample  Suits  with  the  necessary  under  clothing,  die.,  may  now  be  inspected, 
or  the  same  will  be  forwarded  on  application,  if  accompanied  with  a  reference  in  town. 
H.  J.  and  D.  NICOLL,  114,  Regent  Street ;  22,  Cornhill;  and  10,  St.  Ann's  Square,  Manchester. 

fEE    POCKET     SIPHONIA    DEPOT.-EDMISTON    AI1D    SON, 

-«-  Sole  Manufacturers  of  the  12  oz.  Waterproof  Coat  for  India,  guaranteed  not  to  be  sticky, 
no  matter  the  climate  it  is  subject  to.  From  42s.,  all  silk  50s.  to  05s.  Measurement  required, 
the  length  and  size  round  the  chest.    Knapaaoks  for  Tourists,  18s.  6d. 

FISHING  STOCKINGS,  21s.  to  25s.  per  pair. 
5,   CHASING-  CROSS,   late   69,    STRAND.  

EDDING    AND    BIRTHDAY    PRESBNTS.-H.    RODRIGUES, 

42,  PICCADILLY,  invites  attention  to  his  elegant  STOCK  of  TRAVELLING  DRESSING 
BAGS,  DRESSING  CASES,  DESPATCH  BOXES,  Writing  Cases,  Work  Boxes,  Jewel  Cases,  Scent  Caskets  and 
(ilnv,-  Boxes  LADIES'  RETICULE  an. I  CARRIAGE  BAGS  of  every  description:  MEDI.EVVL  MOUNTED 
ENVELOPE  CASES,  BLOTTIMG-BOOKS,  and  INKSTANDS  en  suite :  the  NEW  PATENT  SELF-CLOSING 
BOOK  SLIDE,  also  a  choice  variety  of  ELEGANCIES  and  NOVELTIES  suitable  for  PRESENTATION,  too 
various  to  enumerate,  to  be  bad  at 

HENRY  RODRIGUES',  -12,  PICCADILLY,  two  doors  from  Sackville  Street,  W. 

VHE    GENTLEMEN'S  REAL    HEAD    OF   HAIR,  OR  INVISIBLE 

PERUKE. — The  principle  upon  which  this  Peruke  is  made  is  so  superior  to  everything  yet 
produced,  that  the  Manufacturer  Invites  the  honour  of  a  visit  from  the  Sceptic  and  the  Connoisseur,  that  one  may  b*3 
convinced,  and  the  other  gratified,  by  Inspecting  this  and  other  novel  and  beautiful  specimens  of  the  Peruqueiaa  Art,  at 
'.he  Establishment  of  the  Sole  Inventor,  P.  BROWNE,  47,  FLNCBURCH  STREET. 

F.  BROWNE'S   INFALLIBLE   MODE   OF   MEASURING 
THE  HEAD. 


FAMILY  TICKETS  TO  THE 

■fi-   watering  places  on  the  south 

COAST  are  now  issued  bv  the  LONDON, 
BRIGHTON,  and  SOUTH  COAST  RAILWAY,  to 
families  of  four  persons  and  upwards,  for  one  month 
or  extended  periods.  This  arrangement  comprises 
Brighton,  Portsmouth,  Ryde,  Isle  of  Wight,  Worth- 
ing, Bognor,  &c.  See  Time  Tables.  For  Hastings, 
St.  Leonards,  and  Eastbourne,  see  separate  adver- 
tisement. Tickets  and  full  particulars  can  be 
obtained  at  the  Victoria,  London  Bridge,  and  Nor- 
wood Junction  Stations;  or  at  the  Company's  offices, 
43,  Regent  Circus,  Piccadilly. 

PAMILY  TICKETS  TO  HAS- 

-&  TINGS,  ST.  LEONARDS,  and  EAST- 
BOURNE for  one  or  more  persons,  available  for 
ONE  MONTH,  or  for  extended  periods  from  Vic- 
toria, London  Bridge,  and  Norwood  Junction 
Stations,  at  KEDUCLD  FARES.aie  NOWISSUED 
by  the  BRIGHTON  and  SOUTH  COAST  LINE, 
on  application  at  the  Booking  Offices  at  the  above 
Stations,  or  at  43,  Regent  Circus,  Piccadilly.  Fares 
there  and  back  :  To  Hastings  and  St.  Leonards, 
First  Class,  by  Express  Trains,  25s. ;  by  Ordinary 
Trains,  21s. ;  Second  Class  by  Express,  20s.;  by 
Ordinary,  I's.  ToEastbourne  by  both  Ordinary  and 
Express  Trains,  First  Class, 2is. ;  Second  Class,  14s. 

SATURDAY    TO     MONDAY 

»3  at  the  SEASIDE. —RETURN  TICKETS 
EVEBY  SATURDAY  AFTERNOON,  at  low  fares, 
by  the  BRIGHTON  RAILWAY  from  Victoria  and 
London  Bridge  to  BRIGHTON,  Hastings,  Ports- 
mouth, Worthing,  Eastbourne,  &c—  See  Timetables. 

pARISINTWELVE  HOURS 

«&  and  a  HALF,  via  Dieppe,  by  the  new 
DAILY  TIDAL  SERVICE,  with  Special  Express 
Tidal  Trains  both,  on  the  English  and  French  Rail- 
ways. 20s.  Second  Class,  28s.  First  Class.  Return 
Tickets  issued.  Two  departures  daily  (except 
Sundays)  —  For  hours  of  departure,  from  London 
Bridge  and  Victoria,  see  the  "  Times"  daily. 

TSLE     OF    WIGHT,    FROM 

i  LONDON  BRIDGE  and  VICTORIA 
STATIONS.— THROUGH  TICKETS  to  RYDE, 
including  every  charge.  From  London  Bridge; 
First  Class,  18s.  Sd. ;  Second,  VSs.  44.;  Third,  Ss. 5<f. ; 
at  6.0,  S.o,  and  10.il  a.m.,  12  noon,  2.0  and  4  p.m. 
Third  Class  by  the  6.0  a.m.  train  only.  From  Vic- 
toria: First  Class,  19s.  2d. ;  Second,  13s.  8rf.;  Third, 
85.  ;(/.;  at  5.45,  7.40,  9.50,  11.50  a.m.;  1.50,  3.50p.m. 
The  5  15  Train  only  has  Third  Class  Carriages 
attached. 

Cheap  Return  Tickets  issued  on  Saturday  or 
Sunday,  are  available  to  return  by  any  Train  or  the 
same  class  up  to  the  following  Monday  night. 
Return  Tickets,  available  for  Four  Days  are  also 
issued. 

Family  Tickets  for  Four  or  more  Persons  available 
to  return  within  Two  Weeks,  or  One,  Two,  or  Three 
Months. 

Cheap  Excursions  there  and  back  every  Sunday. 

'MIGHT  ONT~HASTINGS, 

«    EASTBOURNE,     WORTHING,     ST. 

LEONARDS,  and  the  South  Coast  "Watering  Places, 
—Weekly,  Fortnightly,  Monthly,  and  other  Season 
Tickets. issued  from  London  Bridge  and  Victoria,  at 
the  usual  low  rates. 


THE     MAGIC     SPURGEON 


(Copyright). — A  magical  life-like  POR- 
TRAIT of  the  most  popular  orator  of  the  day— when 
placed  on  the  floor  dances  gracefully,  defying  detec- 
tion.   Sent  free  by  return  for  18  stamps. 

The  Wizard's  Box  of  Magic— six  n*3vr  tricks  by 
return  free  for  20  stamps. 

The  Wizard's  Note  Book  on  Magic.    Free  for 
Seven  Stamps. 

V7.  Geeig,  6,  South  Row,  Carnaby  Street,  Great 
Marlborough  Street,  W.,  London. 

"..,.    MARKWELL,     WINE 

Merchant  to  Her  Majesty,  Nos.  35  to 
40,  and  45,  Albemarle  Street,  and  4,  Stafford  Street, 
Piccadilly,  London,  VV.  Naval  and  Military  Messes 
supplied.  Receipts  for,  and  Compounds  of,  Ameri- 
can Drinks.  The  still  and  sparkling  Catawba.  The 
Californian  Champagne,  54$,  per  dozen.  Red  and 
white  Hungarian  Wines,  30s.  and  upwards  per  doz. 
The  celebrated  aromatic  Scheidam  Schnapps. 
Stoughton  &  Sickles'  Bitters.  Bourbon,  Mouonga- 
hela,and  Old  Dominion  Whiskies. 


PHILLIPSOS*  &  Go's  Ktw  Perftime,  X 

"LA  DUCKESSE."     j 

The  most  refreshing  »nd  dorsbte  *f  she  day.  % 
Price  3s.  6d.  of  »1I  Chemists  md  vaudors  of  I 
Perfumery  ,or  by  tetter  (tnehwilM  *  PW  Office  J 
Orderor  Stamps) to PHILLDPSOH  AKZ>  CO.,  I 
1,  Budge  Row,  St.  Fadi'i.  Lokdo.v,  E.C.  » 
The  POMADE, 2j.  8d.j  SOAP, ls.|OIL,Ss.6J.  J 
Perfumery  for  svery  clonal*.   C»tilo  east  free.  \ 


TCE  AND  REFRIGERATORS. 

<a.  GEO.  SIMPSON  beg8  to  state  that  he 

has  this  Season  perfected  his  well-known  REFRI- 
GERATORS by  the  construction  of  an  invisible 
water  tank  (for  iced  water),  so  combined  that  the 
whole  interior  of  the  ice  chest  is  available  for  the  ice 
and  provisions.  Pure  block  Ice,  t>s.  per  lOillb. :  rough 
ice,  3s.6ti.  per  100  1b.:  delivered  in  town.  Freezing 
machines  to  be  used  wnth  or  without,  ice,  freezing 
powders,  seltzogeues  (for  making  soda-water), 
niters,  &c. 

Geo.  Simpson,  Manufacturer,  315,  Oxford  Street, 
near  Harewood  Gates.    Established  1842. 


August  31,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


83 


THE    CONSTABLE    OF    DOVER. 

"  There  's  your  Staff,  Pam.     You  know  the  Party  you  're  to  keep  your  eye  on.: 


PAM  UPON  THE  HEIGHTS. 

(After  Axfred  Tennyson.) 

Not  old,  stood  Pam  upon  the  Heights, 
The  Commons  roaring  at  his  feet, 

And  Beadledom,  with  antique  rites, 
Did  him  the  homage  meet. 

Punch,  in  his  place,  did  much  rejoice, 
Not  for  the  title  then  assigned, 

But  glad  to  hear  the  brave  old  boy's 
Name  shouted  on  the  wind. 

Admiring  much  his  British  pluck, 
His  ready  tongue,  his  cheery  jest, 

His  never  downing  on  his  luck, 
But  hoping  for  the  best. 

His  hate  of  humbug,  saving  such 
As  should  to  humbugs  still  be  flung, 

His  speeches,  void  of  artist-touch, 
Yet  suiting  English  tongue. 

His  deeper  hatred  for  the  gang, 
Who,  pratmg  of  some  Right  Divine, 

Doom  freedom's  friends  to  starve,  or  hang3 
Or  in  foul  dungeons  pine. 

Cheer  for  the  Constable  !     Our  foes 
Find  him  the  nightmare  of  their  dreams  : 

We.  the  wise  Englishman,  who  knows 
Ihe  Falsehood  of  Extremes. 


Roebuck's  Oratory.— We  should  say  that  lately  there  has  been  a 
trifle  too  much  of  what  the  Yankees  would  call  "the  spread  eagle" 
about  it. 


SANITARY  JUSTICE  TO  SCOTLAND. 

In  an  abridgment  of  the  Registrar  General's  Report  about  the  popu- 
lation of  Scotland,  the  health  of  that  part  of  Great  Britain  is  described 
as  having  been  generally  good  during  the  past  quarter.  The  diseases 
named  as  having  been  most  prevalent  are  scarlatina,  diphtheria,  and  in 
some  places,  typhus.  Among  them  vulgar  prejudice  will  learn  with 
astonishment  there  is  not  enumerated  one  case  of  simply  cutaneous 
disease,  that  is  to  say,  of  cutaneous  disease  which  is  merely  local  and 
unaccompanied  by  constitutional  symptoms.  Scarlatina  is  an  eruption ; 
but  scarlatina  is  also  a  zymotic  affection;  and  none  of  its  symptoms  exhibit 
any  resemblance  to  a  peculiar  kind  of  apparent  performance  on  a  stringed 
instrument,  which  may  be  described  as  playing  without  music.  There 
is  at  least  no  evidence  to  warrant  the  conclusion  that  the  malady  meta- 
phorically represented  as  expressing  itself  in  a  series  of  violin  move- 
ments executed  in  dumb  show  is  endemic  in  the  Lowlands,  or  that  the 
Highlanders  have  any  particular  occasion,  on  account  of  relief  afforded 
to  superficial  irritation,  to  invoke  blessings  on  the  memory  of  an 
ancestor  of  his  Grace  the  Duke  of  Argyll.  Our  Scottish  fellow- 
subjects  have  been  too  commonly  accused  of  labouring  under  a  general 
necessity  of  employing  sulphureous  friction .  English  provincial  bigotry 
itself  must  admit  that  the  accusation  is  at  least  not  proven. 


PARALLEL  EEET  OF  ARMS. 


The  Prince  Napoleon  has  been  visiting  the  historical  battle 
grounds  of  Fairfax  and  Manassas.  Considering  the  alacrity  that  the 
Prince  has  frequently  displayed  in  leaving  scenes  of  danger,  he  must 
have  been  profoundly  moved  on  the  spot;  so  much  so  that  we  can 
imagine  his  being  tempted  to  parody  the  well-known  speech  attributed 
to  the  Comte  D'Artois,  when  he  returned  to  France,  and  saying 
pathetically  to  the  distinguished  Yankees  collected  around  him,  "  Mes 
amis,  il  n'y  a  rien  de  change  ici.  Vous  n'avez  parmi  vous  qu'un 
Americain  de  plus"  If  Plon-Plon  had  only  been  at  Bull's  Run,  we 
will  warrant  he  would  have  been  the  very  first  to  distinguish  himself — 
we  mean,  in  the  same  direction  that  others  distinguished  themselves. 


VOL.  xli. 


84 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[August  31,  1861. 


Gentleman.  "  Wheat's  the  fare,  Cabman?'' 

Cabby.  "  Vy,  Sir,  the  fare 's  Two  Bob  ;  so  suppose  vjc  say  Half-a- 
Crown? — another  Cabby  would  have  charged  you  Three  Bob." 


DR.  PUSEY  ON  THE  TUBE. 

The  subjoined  extract  from  "  Sporting  Intelligence  "  relative  to  the 
run  for  the  Trial  Stakes  at  Oxford  races  will  edify  some  of  our 
readers : — 

"  As  soon  as  the  flag  dropped.  King  of  the  Forest  instantly  went  to  the  front,  'with 
Overton  lying  at  his  girths  ;  Gauntlet,  Commander,  and  Dr.  Pusey  side  by  side  a  few 
lengths  behind.  As  they  came  up  to  the  distance  the  weight  began  to  tell  upon  the 
King,  who  fell  back  into  the  third  place,  Overton,  and  Commander  both  passing  him. 
Opposite  the  stand  Commander  was  leading,  and  he  came  through  and  won  easily  by 
two  lengths  ;  half  a  length  behind  Overton  came  Gauntlet,  the  same  separating 
Gauntlet  from  King  of  the  Forest;  Or.  Pusey  was  last.". 

It  will  he  seen  by  the  foregoing  statement  that  Dr.  Pusey  occupied 
the  position  of  the  winner  in  a  donkey  race.  There  is  something  re- 
markable in  this  fact ;  especially  as  having  occurred  at  Oxford  Races. 
Many  people  will  be  surprised  to  learn  that  Dr.  Pusey,  on  the  trial  as 
above  decided,  proved  to  have  no  followers  in  Oxford.  Dr.  Pusey, 
too,  has  always  been  considered  as  decidedly  a  fast  goer.  Yet  the  odds 
were  against  Dr.  Pusey  ;  a  very  small  party  backing  him,  and  grave 
doubts  being  entertained  whether  the  Doctor  would  run  for  stakes, 
never  having  yet  gone  quite  so  far  as  Highflyer,  ridden  by  Priest.  He 
has  probably  let  in  a  few  of  the  yokels.  The  Puseyites  are  of  course 
rather  down  in  the  mouth  about  the  defeat  of  their  favourite,  who  had 
better  be  wrapped  up,  along  with  themselves,  in  those  old  horsecloths 
which  they  have  revived  in  most  of  their  stables.  The  defeat  of  Dr. 
Pusey  at  Oxford  need  not  prevent  him  from  running  for  the  Derby, 
when  perhaps  we  shall  see  what  he  can  do  against  Spurgeon. 


The  Height  of  a  Warm  Imagination. 

Throwing  open  the  windows— lying  gracefully  at  full  length  on  the 
sola  (haying  previously  put  a  plate  of  shrimps  on  the  table  before  you) 
—and  bstening  to  the  gentle  trickbng  of  the  watering-cart  as  it  paces 
slowly  up  and  down  the  street;  with  the  happy  combination  of  so  many 
luxuries,  it  becomes  as  easy  as  lying  ou  the  beach,  and  throwing  pebble's 
into  the  sea,  to  fancy  that  one  is  doing  the  dolee  far  niente  at  the  sea-side. 
We  beg  of  the  reader,  who  has  anything  of  a  tropical  imagination,  to 
put  on  only  a  suitable  costume,  and  to  try  it  just  for  a  couple  of  hours. 

THE   PURSUIT   OF  JOKING   UNDER  DIFFICULTIES. 

The  Painters  inside  the  house  and  the  Paviors  hammering  away 
violently  outside  !  The  two  senses  of  smell  and  hearing  being  attacked, 
beyond  all  power  of  stoppage,  outrageously  at  the  same  time.  Oil  our 
word,  it  is  enough  to  make  a  Bright  swear  ! 


A   8PARK0W   MARKET   IfEAU   SOUTHAMPTON. 

A  Petition  has  been  presented  to  the  Prench  Corps  Legislatif  for 
the  protection  of  sparrows  and  other  small  birds,  with  a  view  to  the 
benefit  of  agriculture,  on  the  ground  that  they  do  infinitely  more 
good  by  destroying  insects,  than  mischief  in  eating  corn.  On  this 
point  there  would  be  some  difficulty  of  convincing  the  British  Parmer, 
and  particularly,  we  should  think,  that  type  of  him  represented  by  the 
gentleman  whose  name  figures  in  the  subjoined  newspaper  paragraph: — 

"  A  Palpable  Stretch  of  the  Law. — Yesterday,  before  Admiral  Wigston  and 
Mr.  J.  H.  Forbes,  magistrates  sitting  at  the  Southampton  County  Bench,  GtoKOE 
Garratt,  a  boy  living  in  Houndwell,  Southampton,  was  fined  2s.  M.,  without  costs, 
for  stealing  four  ears  of  wheat,  the  property  of  Mr.  Longman,  of  Hill  Farm.  The 
boy  picked  the  ears  of  wheat  in  a  pathway,  and  was  caught  by  the  prosecutor,  and 
given  into  custody,  remaining  so  for  forty-eight  hours,  the  prosecutor  insisting  on 
pressing  the  charge." 

A  gentleman  capable  of  causing  a  boy  to  be  imprisoned  for  forty-eight 
hours  for  stealing  four  ears  of  wheat  picked  up  in  a  pathway,  and  after- 
wards of  pressing  such  a  charge  of  theft  against  the  juvenile  prisoner, 
must  be  much  fonder  of  his  wheat  than  he  is  of  his  species.  He  would, 
therefore,  naturally  be  disposed  to  show  no  mercy  to  the  feathered 
tribes,  which  certainly  do  consume  a  considerable  quantity  of  wheat, 
even  if  they  exterminate  a  more  considerable  quantity  of  insects.  Their 
estimated  destruction  of  insects  would  be  quite  overlooked  by  a  gentle- 
man infuriated  by  the  visible  consumption  of  his  wheat.  The  boys  in 
the  neighbourhood  of  Hill  Farm,  instead  of  stealing  Mr.  Longman's 
wheat,  and  getting  imprisoned  and  fined  for  picking  a  few  ears  of  it, 
might  make  a  good  thing  out  of  that  gentleman's  animosity  against 
depredators  on  his  cereal  produce.  They  should  devote  themselves  to 
killing  sparrows,  save  all  the  heads  of  as  many  sparrows  as  they  can 
catch,  and  take  them  to  Mr.  Longman.  Of  course  Mr.  Longman 
will  give  more  than  half-a-crown  for  the  head  of  every  sparrow,  because 
the  bird  will  have  stolen  very  much  more  than  the  four  ears  of  corn 
which  were  picked  by  Master  George  Garratt. 


STINGO  POP  SUMMER. 


We  have  been  enjoying  some  delightful  summer  weather,  and  the 
thirst  it  has  induced  has  by  no  means  been  unpleasant,  at  any  rate  to 
men  who  have  a  fondness  for  cool  drinks,  and  have  been  careful  not  to 
heat  themselves  by  taking  too  much  stimulant.  Just  the  sort  of  mild 
and  harmless  beverage  to  revel  in  is  the  beer  whereof  a  sample,  being 
chemically  tested,  is  discovered  to  contain  : — 


The  Greatest  of  the  "  Great  Unpaid."— The  National  Debt. 


Alcohol  _     . 
Extractive 
Acetic  acid 
Water    . 


.  5-000 
.  3-885 
.  -030 
.  91-085 

100-000 


This  stingo  is  pronounced  by  a  competent  examiner  (whose  report 
has  lately  reached  us,  in  common,  doubtless,  with  a  number  of  the  beer- 
bibbing  community)  to  be  "  the  richest  in  alcohol  for  its  price  "  that 
he  has  tested :  and  he  adds  he  feels  "  persuaded  that  it  is  a  genuine 
article. "  We  are  happy  to  append  to  this  chemical  certificate  our 
belief  that  such  a  beer  must  be  most  thoroughly  innocuous,  provided  that 
the  aqua  it  contains  be  really  jnira,  of  which,  seeing  that  it  is  by  far 
the  principal  component,  we  think  there  should  be  given  some  satis- 
fying proof.  Grog  made  in  the  proportion  of  five  parts  of  spirit  to 
ninety-one  of  water,  would  not  harm  the  tenderest  infant,  if  the  water 
were  but  proved  to  be  a  "genuine  article;"  but  if  the  water  were 
impure,  we  question  very  much  if  that  amount  of  alcohol  would  be  suf- 
ficiently an  antidote  to  what  the  water  might  contain.  Were  we  at  all 
concerned  iu  the  sale  of  the  strong  beer  to  which  we  have  drawn 
notice,  we  should  lose  no  time  in  issuing  a  medical  certificate,  attesting 
to  the  aqueous  purity  of  the  drink ;  for  however  great  his  love  for  unin- 
toxicating  beverages,  surely  nobody  would  like  to  drink  a  pailful  of 
Thames  water  with  but  a  teaspoonful  of  spirit  to  avert  the  chance  of 
illness. 


Truly  Catholic. 

At  Boulogne,  at  present,  the  Priests  are  incessantly  offering  up 
prayers  "  for  the  Conversion  of  the  English  Sovereign."  Her  Majesty 
wili  not  object  to  her  Protestant  subjects  being  very  "agreeable"  to 
such  conversion,  while  the  exchange  is,  as  now,  25  francs,  30  centimes. 


LATEST   NEWS   FROM  THE   SEA-SIDE. 

Ramsgate  this  year  is  so  overflowingly  crowded,  that  on  Friday  last 
the  following  inscription  was  written  in  large  letters  on  a  board,  and 
posted  up  on  the  beach  in  front  of  the  bathing-machines  :— "  Sea  Full 
— not  even  Standing-room  for  a  Baby  !  !  !  " 


August  31,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


85 


LATEST    FROM     RAMSGATE. 

Edwin  lounged  on  the 
pier  to  get  a  relish  for  his 
dinner,  after  swallowing  two 
monstrous  bloaters  for  his 
breakfast,  he  said  to  his  An- 
gelina, "Tell  me  something 
funny,  dearest,  and  so  excite 
the  cachinatory  muscles  of  my 
diaphragm,  for  I  have  been 
told  that  laughing  is  provo- 
cative of  appetite." 

Thus  bidden,  as  in  duty 
bound,  the  wife  of  his  fond 
bosom  peered  for  a  brief  mo- 
ment to  the  seaward  of  the 
pier,  and  receiving  inspiration 
from  the  freshening  breeze 
that  blew  there,  whispered, 
"Canst  ^say,  love,  why  the 
pleasant  island  of  Ceyion  is 
so  favourite  a  resort  for  mar- 
riageable ladies  ?  " 

Edwin,  thus  appealed  to, 
scratched  his  nose  and  stroked 
his  whiskers,  but  not  findiag 
his  wits  sharpened  by  either 
of  those  processes,  was  forced 
to  let  his  wife  explain  that  the 
answer  to  her  riddle  was  that 
the  island  she  referred  to  was  full  of  Cingalese.  Observing  his  blank  looks,  she  added  in 
compassion,  "Now,  dearest,  don't  be  stupid,  can't  you  put  an  'h'  in,  and  pronounce  it 
'  Single  he's '?  " 

Eeeling  it  expected  of  him,  Edwin  tried  to  laugh,  but  alas  !  he  could  do  little  more  than 
get  up  a  faint  giggle.  Whereupon  his  placens  uxor  made  another  daring  effort  to  excite 
Ins  risibility,  by  asking  "  Who  is  the  most  dangerous  young  lady  in  a  ball-room  ?  "  and 
adding  in  the  same  breath,  "  Why,  of  course,  dear,  a  Lucinda." 

Conscious  of  his  density,  Edwin  tried  his  best  to  look  as  though  he  understood  her ;  but, 
struggle  as  he  might  for  it,  the  giggle  would  not  come,  until,  patting  with  her  tiny  hand  his 
sorely  puzzled  brow,  said  Angelina,  "  you  are  sadly  dull,  dear  love,  this  morning.  Can't 
you  divide  that  Christian  name,  and  call  it  a  loose-cinder  !  " 


^=^^^m 


A  LAY  ON  A  LADDER. 

Louis  Napoleon,  is  it  true 
What  Roebuck  has  declared ;  that  you 
Have  struck  a  bargain  to  call  home 
Your  red-legged  garrison  from  Rome, 
Getting,  for  Rome's  evacuation, 
Sardinia  as  consideration  ? 

A  ladder  Fancy  views  you  in 
The  act  of  poising  on  your  chin 
The  Holy  Father  at  the  top 
Of  that  uncomfortable  prop. 
A  zany  of  the  lower  class 
Thus  sometimes  balances  an  Ass. 

That  Clown,  ere  he  at  last  uprears 

The  Creature  of  extensive  ears, 

To  coax  what  cash  he  can  from  out 

The  pocket  of  expectant  lout, 

Keeps  crying  "  Twopence  more,  and  then 

Up  goes  the  donkey,  Gentlemen." 

You,  whilst  you  show  the  ladder-feat, 

Seem  to  propose  another  treat 

To  Italy's  impatient  eye : 

"  Another  cession  !  "  is  your  cry  ; 

And  then  you  '11  crown  her  eager  hope  : 

"  Sardinia — and  down  goes  the  Pope  ! " 

Victor-Emmanuel,  if  he  cede 

Sardinia,  will  be  fit  indeed 

On  ladder  to  be  poised  by  Clown. 

A  Donkey !  who  will  lose  the  Crown 

Eor  which  he  gave  Savoy  and  Nice, 

And  now  will  break  up  Europe's  peace.   ■ 

He  is  not  such  an  Ass  as  that, 
He  will  not  be  so  gross  a  fiat 
As  such  a  heavy  price  to  pay 
Eor  what  a  war  will  take  away, 
And— who  can  tell  ? — perhaps  restore 
To  Pope  and  Kaiser  as  before. 


-      A  SAMPLE  OP  SCOTCH  CHAFF. 

The  Scotch,  or  Scottish,  people  (will  some  linguist  please  tell  us 
which  adjective  is  right  ?)  have  not  the  reputation  of  being  vastly  witty, 
but  they  have  the  reputation  of  being  fond  of  money,  and  when  they 
possess  it,  of  being  loth  to  throw  away  so  much  as  a  bawbee.  But 
that  there  are  some  exceptions  to  the  national  rule  is  shown,  we  think, 
in  some  degree  by  this  advertisement,  which  a  correspondent  cuts  for 
us  from  a  north  country  newspaper : — 

WANTED,  by  a  Volunteer  Rifle  Corps,  in  the  immediate  neighbour- 
hood of  Glasgow,  a  TARGET  for  Ball  Practice.  Must  be  very  strong,  particu- 
larly in  the  centre,  as  their  present  Target  has  had  the  bull's  eye  completely  blown 
out,  from  the  incessant  hitting  to  which  it  has  been  subjected.  Will  be  glad  to 
exchange  with  any  of  the  Glasgow  Companies,  whose  Targets  are  generally  in  a 
state  of  first-rate  preservation  at  the  bull's  eye. 
Address  "  Bull's  Run,"  Herald  Office. 

To  please  the  frugal  mind  of  an  ordinary  Scotchman,  a  joke,  to  he 
enjoyed,  must  be  at  the  expense  of  some  one  other  than  himself.  But 
here  we  have  a  Scotchman  incurring  the  expense  of  inserting  an  adver- 
tisement, that  he  may  thereby  gam  insertion  into  print  of  his  small  jest. 
What  incites  him  to  poke  fun  at  the  Glasgow  Volunteers  we  have 
neither  means  nor  wish  to  ascertain  ;  and  as  we  do  not  share  his  feeling 
towards  the  corps,  we  shall  abstain  from  saying  anything  to  bring  them 
into  ridicule.  If  it  be  true  that  their  targets  are  hi  "  first-rate  preser- 
vation," we  can  only  say  we  hope  their  shooting  will  improve ;  and  as 
practice  makes  men  perfect,  the  oftener  they  keep  trymg  to  blow  their 
bull's-eye  out,  the  more  likely  are  they  to  succeed  in  time  in  doing  it. 
Perhaps  the  advertiser's  chaff  may  stir  them  to  fresh  efforts,  and  if  so, 
there  will  be  little  reason  to  complain  of  it.  Still  we  scarce  think  that 
our  Riflemen  enhance  their  reputation  by  making  butts  of  one  another 
through  the  columns  of  a  newspaper,  and  putting  into  print  small  jokes 
which  hardly  seem  deserving  of  it.  In  their  military  capacity  bayonets, 
not  pens,  are  the  steel  weapons  they  should  stick  to ;  and  the  only 
"  leaded  "  matter  they  should  care  to  meddle  with  ought  to  come  not 
from  the  type-founder,  but  the  regulation  bullet-maker. 


LEGAL   METAPHYSICS. 


It  is  to  be  feared  that  the  law  of  domicile  will  never  be  satisfactorily 
settled,  because  it  involves  the  perplexing  question  of  Free  Will. 


THE  COMPLAINT  OF  CHRISTOPHER  SLY. 

At  one  of  the  late  meetings  of  the  Social  Science  Association  at 
Lublin,  Dr.  P.  W.  Mackesy,  of  Waterford,  who  is  evidently  a  water- 
drinker,  read  a  paper  on  the  subject  of  Dipsomania,  the  new  social 
scientific  name  which  has  been  applied  to  the  passion  for  intoxicating 
drink.  It  is  a  compliment  to  the  morality,  if  notto  the  intelligence,  of 
the  Pumps  who  spout  observations  on  Dipsomania,  to  say  that  they  do 
not  know  what  they  are  talking  about.  Dipsomania,  of  course  they 
know  very  well,  means  a  mania  consisting  in  uncontrollable  thirst ;  but 
they  imagine  that  habitual  thirst  is  the  cause  of  habitual  drunkenness. 
Evidently  they  are  unacquainted  with  the  _  nigger's  celebrated  distinc- 
tion between  "  drinkee  for  drunkee  and  drinkee  for  dry."  Drinkee  for 
drunkee  is  what  they  denominate  Dipsomania-  whereas  that  word  is 
only  properly  applicable  to  inordinate  drinkee  for  dry.  Dipsomania  is 
one  thing,  tipsy-mania  another  thing ;  and  the  latter  is  what  they  mean 
by  the  former.  It  is  gratifying,  however,  to  find  any  philosophers  so 
innocent  of  all  knowledge  of  the  nature  of  intoxication  as  those  must 
be  who  expatiate  on  Dipsomania.  Philosophers  are  too  commonly  dis- 
posed to  meditate  behind  a  pipe,  over  a  glass  of  grog,  and  under  those 
circumstances  to  acquire  by  practical  experience,  _  a  profounder 
acquaintance  with  the  philosophy  of  drunkenness  than  with  any  other. 


Disinterested  Advice  to  Ladies  of  a  Literary  Turn. 

Never  marry  an  author.  He  is  sure  at  some  time  or  other  to  put 
you  in  his  books,  and  the  consequence  is,  you  will  come  out,  like  those 
rare  botanical  specimens  similarly  preserved,  as  fiat,  and  as  dead  as 
possible.  Not  a  fraction  of  colour  will  there  be  left  in  you  !  There  will 
only  be  the  withered  outline,  by  which  you  will  be  able  to  trace  your 
original  beauty. 

In  fact,  a  wife  to  an  author  is  only  so  much  book-muslin  to  enable 
him  to  dress  up  his  characters  with.  To  clothe  others,  the  wretch  does 
not  scruple  to  cut  up  his  own  wife.— The  Hermit  of  the  Haymarket. 


A  HOPEFUL  SENIOR, 

"  Eh  ?  by  Jove,  Sir,  a  new  lease  !  "  Such  was  the  exclamation  of  a 
sanguine  old  buck,  who,  before  his  toilet  mirror,  discovered  by  the  aid 
of  a  double  eye-glass,  one  black  hair  among  his  white  whiskers. 


86 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[August  31,  1861. 


A    TIT-BIT. 

Omnibus  Driver  (in  the  distance).  "  Holloa  Joe,  now  you've  got  tour  Duck,  I'll  send  tou  the   Peas! 


CHRONICLING  SMALL  BEER. 

"Revered  Punch, 

"  As  a  loyal  British  subject,  I  feel  of  course  deep  interest  in 
the  movements  of  our  Sovereign,  and  read  with  great  attention  all  the 
detaUs  of  her  doings  which  the  newspapers  supply.  The  more  minute 
are  their  descriptions  the  better  I  am  pleased,  and  the  incidents  which 
some  minds  may  regard  as  commonplace,  I  consider  of  the  utmost 
importance  to  be  known,  and  think  should  stand  recorded  in  the  annals 
of  the  Court.  You  may  conceive,  then,  with  what  pleasure  I  read  in  a 
description  of  the  Queen's  journey  to  Ireland,  that  the  Royal  train 
reached  Leamington  punctual  to  its  time,  and,  an  interval  of  twenty 
minutes  being  suffered  for  refreshment, — 

"  On  arriving  at  the  Station,  Her  Majesty  and  the  Prince  Consort  stepped  out 
of  the  Royal  Carriage,  and  proceeded  to  the  room  which  had  been  elegantly  furnished 
for  them." 

"  There,  now,  is  not  that,  Sir,  intensely  interesting  ?  '  Her  Ma- 
jesty and  the  Prince  Consort  stepped  out  of  the  Royal  carriage.' 
Surely  every  loyal  heart  must  flutter  with  emotion  on  being  made 
acquainted  with  so  wonderful  a  fact.  Doubtless,  some  people  may  say 
that  if  the  Royal  travellers  wished  to  take  refreshment,  they  could  not 
get  out  of  their  carriage  in  any  other  way,  and  therefore  that  the  act, 
as  the  French  say,  va  sans  dire,  and  need  not  have  been  noted.  But  to 
men  of  loyal  minds,  how  short-sighted  this  view !  By  the  statement  I 
have  quoted  posterity  will  know  that  Her  Majesty  went  into  the 
Station  for  her  lunch,  and  did  not  have  it  handed  to  her  through  the 
carriage  window  ;  an  assertion  which  might  otherwise  be  made  in  future 
histories,  and  which  there  might  be  no  one  living  able  to  dispute. 

"  I  could  wish,  Sir,  that  this  manner  of  reporting  regal  movements 
were  more  generally  followed  than,  unhappily,  it  is.  Details  the  most 
trivial  would  for  me  possess  deep  interest,  and  I  feel  sure  that  many 
other  people  are  of  the  same  mind.  I  would  fain,  for  instance,  know 
what  Her  Majesty  partook  of  when  she  stopped  for  lunch,  and 
whether  the  Prince  Consort  ate  as  heartdy  as  usual,  and  relished 
what  he  ate.  Such  detaUs  might  to  some  readers  seem  slightly  unim- 
portant, and  others  might  object  that  the  private  acts  of  Royalty  should 


never  be  made  public,  and  that  at  meal-time  no  reporter  should  be 
suffered  to  take  notes.  But  I  am  naturally,  myself,  of  an  inquiring 
disposition,  and  when  I  want  to  know  a  thing,  I  don't  care  much  to 
ask  if  such  knowledge  be  proper,  or  how  it  is  obtained.  In  this  I 
simply  show  the  independence  of  my  character,  and  what  some  folks 
may  denounce  as  snobbish  curiosity  I  look  upon  as  loyalty,  and  pride 
myself  therein. 

"I  am,  Sir,  a  devourer  of  newspapers,  and  therefore  an  admirer 
of  the 

"Penny-a-line." 

"P.S.  They  say  that  the  Prince  Consort  used  to  suffer  from 
sea-sickness.  Do  you  know  if  he  be  simdarly  afflicted  now,  and  what 
preventive  measures  he  usually  adopts  ?  " 


WHATEVER  YOU  DO,  CROW ! 

The  French  Cock,  says  the  proverb,  's  so  glorious, 
Reverses  but  make  the  bird  prouder ; 

He  crows  mighty  loud  when  victorious, 
When  vanquished,  he  only  crows  louder. 

Yankee  Eagles  French  Cocks  now  outstripping, 
In  assurance  from  flight  and  from  blunder  won ; 

Never  doodle  doo'd  over  a  "  whipping," 
Half  so  loud  as  they  doodle-doo  under  one. 


Exceptio  Probat  Regulam. 

Mr.  Harvey  Lewis,  in  a  recent  speech  to  his  Constituents,  com 
plained  of  "the  extraordinary  and  unjust  antipathy  on  the  part  of 
provincial  Members  to  do  anything  for  the  improvement  of  the  Metro- 
polis." As  a  rule,  Mr.  Lewis's  charge  is  just,  but  not  at  this  moment, 
when  the  provincials  have  so  greatly  improved  the  Metropolis  by 
taking  themselves  out  of  it. 


+■3 

w 


o 

w 


S  o 

u 

fed 

g  H 
a  Q 

Q 

l-H 

S 

H 
fed 


H 

O 

o 
o 


o 
fed 


C/2 


CO      ^ 


<j 

1—1 
ce 
I— I 
(-3 


O 

Q 

U 


August  31,  1861.] 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


89 


A    SOP    TO    CERBERUS. 

Oh  !  Tearem  !    Where 's  the  set  of  teeth 

You.  were  so  fond  of  showing, 
With  snap  and  snarl  from  out  their  sheath, 

At  everybody  going  ? 

And  where 's  the  growl  to  all  about 

Distributed  impartially, 
For  sins  by  that  keen  scent  nosed  out, 

Or  morally  or  martially  ? 

This  Tearem  ?    Of  the  flashing  eye, 

The  branding  finger  levelled, 
Till  even  Pam  was  fain  to  fly, 

And  Graham  felt  bedevilled ! 

This  Tearem  ?  Of  all  despots  dread, 

Of  all  oppressors  terror ; 
Whose  wrath  on  hate  of  wrong  was  fed, 

Nor  mercy  knew  for  error ! 

Tearem,  whom  constant  to  his  post, 
Nor  dodge  nor  feint  could  puzzle  : 

The  one  true  watch-dog  (such  his  boast) 
No  hand  could  coax  or  muzzle ! 

Tearem,  who  whosoe'er  might  trip, 

Was  never  known  to  blunder  ! 
The  plyer  of  the  flaying  whip, 

The  wielder  of  the  thunder  ! 

Are  these  his  teeth — an  Austrian  crust 
That  harmless  mouth  and  mumble  ? 

Is  this  his  tail — that  in  the  dust, 
Wags  to  a  Kaiser  humble  ? 

Can  a  Herzoginn's  hand  bid  drop 
That  bristling  crest  tremendous  ? 

Or  hath  a  Schmarburg  found  a  sop 
To  choke  that  maw  stupendous  ? 

What  is  the  art  that  thus  hath  tamed 

Dog  Tearem' s  nature  savage — 
To  praise,  caress,  brought  tongue  that  blamed, 

And  fangs  but  formed  to  ravage  ? 

'Twould  be  to  wrong  th'  old  Dog,  I  feel, 

To  hint  that  crusts  or  paunches 
Were  used  to  make  lihn  come  to  heel, 

Or  sit  up  on  his  haunches. 

But  though  such  tit-bits  he  would  drop, 

And  gallantly  forswear  'em, 
For  Cerberus  there  was  a  sop, 

And  so  there  is  for  Tearem  ! 

The  sop  of  Cerberus  was  made 

Of  wine  and  oil  and  honey ; 
Of  Tearem' s  sop,  I  am  afraid, 

Th'  ingredients  cost  less  money. 

The  old  dog,  though  as  steel  he 's  staunch, 

Of  vanity  so  great  is, 
Adown  his  throat  you  've  but  to  launch 

Of  butter  quantum  satis. 

Butter — more  butter — cram  away 

Down  that  insatiate  hollow  ! 
You  cannot  give  so  much,  they  say, 

As  Tearem 's  game  to  swallow ! 

But  when  the  unctuous  dose  is  down, 

And  happily  digested, 
To  smiles  it  smoothes  his  wrinkled  frown, 

Lays  low  his  bristles  crested. 

His  bark  a  whine  of  welcome  grows, 

His  tail  once  stiff  as  poker, 
In  languid  volume  earthward  flows, 

Butter  is  such  a  soaker ! 

And  thus  on  all  the  Tearem  tribe 

Tins  sentence  we  must  utter  : 
"  Fifty  Viennas  could  not  bribe, 

But  one's  enough  to  butter  !  " 


EUTHANASIA  ACCORDING  TO  LAW. 

We  despise  that  mawkish  sentimentality  which  not  only  refuses  to 
entertain  the  powerful  arguments  urged  to  support  the  infliction  of 
capital  punishment,  but  is  also  so  weak  and  effeminate  that  it  cannot 
even  bear  to  hear  mentioned  those  very  particulars  and  details  of  an 
execution  the  statement  of  which  is  necessary  to  its  own  case.  There- 
fore we  do  not  hesitate  to  disgust  the  few  squeamish  readers  that  we 
may  chance  to  have,  by  quoting  from  the  Times  the  subjoined  conclusion 
of  an  account  of  the  late  hanging  at  Derby : — 

"  Ten  minutes  elapsed  after  the  bolt  was  drawn  before  life  was  extino  t." 

Hanging  is  the  cheapest  of  British  punishments,  except  whipping,  and 
it  is  the  most  effectual  security  that  we  cau  take  against  a  criminal. 
This  is  much  to  say  in  favour  of  hanging,  and  it  is  a  powerful  reason 
why  all  offenders,  who  are  too  bad  to  be  only  whipped,  should  be 
hanged.  Till  convicts  can  be  made  to  pay  for  theh  keep,  without 
competing  with  free  labourers,  hanging  will,  on  economical  grounds, 
remain  highly  preferable  to  penal  servitude,  not  only  for  murderers,  but 
for  all  other  felons,  thieves,  and  rogues,  whose  liberty  is  incompatible 
with  public  safety  and  comfort.  Mawkish  sentimentality  would  have 
nobody  hanged ;  and  in  this  desire  mawkish  sentimentality  is  logical ; 
austere  sentimentality  is  inconsistent  in  not  demanding  the  execution  of 
every  offender  whose  death  would  be  an  example,  and  whose  life  is  not 
worth  preserving. 

It  is,  however,  simply  as  capital  punishment,  and  not  as  a  peculiar 
modeof  inflicting  that  punishment,  that  hanging  would  be  preferred  by 
a  social  economist  to  any  secondary  penalty.  The  object  of  striking 
terror  into  the  minds  of  the  dangerous  and  troublesome  classes  would 
be  better  effected  by  burning  alive,  or  breaking  on  the  wheel.  Mawkish 
sentiment,  however,  has  succeeded  in  abolishing  the  infliction  of  death 
by  torture;  that  is  to  say  by  torture  intentionally  contrived.  It  is 
impossible  to  hang  a  criminal  without  hurting  him  somewhat ;  but,  in 
hanging  him,  the  end  in  view  is  only  to  kill  him,  and  in  killing  him,  to 
hurt  him  as  little  as  possible. 

Now  sometimes,  when  a  criminal  is  hanged,  as  the  reporters  tell  us, 
the  drop  falls,  and  in  a  moment  the  unhappy  man  ceases  to  exist.  In 
the  instance  above  cited,  the  ^  sufferer  was  ten  minutes  in  dying.  If, 
when  the  drop  falls,  the  malefactor  is  fortunate  enough  to  get  his  neck 
broken,  he  dies  at  once.  Otherwise  he  is  slowly  strangled.  Hanging 
thus  maybe  attended  with  torture  or  it  may  not;  therefore  it  is  an 
unequal  punishment.  Accordingly  in  France  where  equality,  if  not 
liberty,  reigns  everywhere,  even  on  the  scaffold  itself,  the  guillotine  is 
substituted  for  the  gallows.  Now,  the  gallows  is  not  the  tree  of 
British  Liberty,  that  Britons  should  cling  to  it,  when  some  other  con- 
trivance might  be  made  to  answer  the  same  purpose,  and  likewise  act 
on  the  British  principle  of  fair  play.  A  steam  Decapitator,  for  instance, 
might  serve  to  meet  the  combined  views  of  austere  sentimentality  and 
evenhanded  justice,  and  would  not  be  un-English,  but  would  constitute 
one  more  verification  of  the  common  saying  that  the  French  originate 
inventions,  but  we  improve  upon  them. 


SEVERE  TRIAL  OF  TEMPER  IN  HOT  WEATHER. 

DKAMATIS  PERSONS 
A  Choleric  Old  Gentleman.  A  Cool  Young  Parti-. 

Scene  : — A  Richmond  Railway  Carriage. 
Time  :— About  12  noon. 

Choleric  Old  Gentleman  (panting,  puffing,  perspiring).  Hot,  Sir,  tre- 
mendously hot. 

Cool  Young  Party.  It  is  warm. 

C.  0.  G.  Warm,  Sir  !    I  call  it  blazing  hot.    Why  the  glass  is  989  in 
the  Shade ! 

C.  Y.  P.  Really  !  is  that  much? 

C.  O.  G.  Much,  Sir !    Immense  ! 

C.  Y.  P.  Well,  then,  the  glass  is  perfectly  right. 

C.  0.  G.  Right,  Sir!    I  don't  understand  you,  Sir.     What  do  you 
mean  by  saying  it  is  right,  Sir  ? 

C.  Y.  P.  I  mean  that  the  glass  is  quite  right  to  be  as  much  in  the 
Shade  as  it  can  in  this  warm  weather. 

[Choleric  Old  Gentleman  collapses. 


Sentence  on  a  Bridge. 

The  Chain  of  evidence  having  been  complete  against  Hungerford 
Bridge — not  a  link  having  been  found  wanting — sentence  of  transpor- 
tation has  been  passed  upon  it.  It  is  to  be  transported  to  Clifton,  and 
there  to  be  hung  in  chains. 

A  Printer's  Devil's  Discovery. — Canute  was  the  author  to 
whom  we  are  indebted  for  the  first  use  of  the  term  "  See  Back." 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


[August  31,  1861. 


THE    ARTIST'S    BRIDE. 

Father  (reading  letter  from  lately  married  daughter  in  London).  "And,  dear  Father,  if  you  could  send  us  any  old  worn-out  smock-frocks, 
or  corduroys  raid  ankle-boots — Mother  could  get  them  from  the  farm -men  for  a  trifle,  it  cloesnot  matter  how  sJiabby  tlicy  are — tlicy  ivoidd  be  very  useful 
to  my  dear  Edward —  " 

Mother  (with  a  shriek).  "  Mercy  on -us!  my  poor  child  /     There,  Sam,  I  told  you  how  it  would  be ! "'  (Faints.) 

But  it  turned  out  from,  the  sequel,  that,  dear  E.  only  wanted  these,  garments  to  paint  from,  for  his  great  picture  of  tlie  "Statute  Fair"  that  was 
the  chef  d'eeuvre  of  the  Season,  and  for  which  he  got,  say  4000  pounds,  exclusive  of  Copyright. 


THE  GENUINE  ART  OE  CRAMMING. 

The  subject  of  one  of  the  papers  read  during  the  session  of  the 
National  Association  for  the  Promotion  of  Social  Science,  was  "  The 
Influence  of  the  Food  on  the  Intellect,"  whereon  Dr.  H.  Kennedy 
lectured  a  hygienic  audience.  The  influence  produced  by  food  on  the 
intellect  would  chiefly  depend,  we  should  think,  on  the  fact  to  be  stated 
whether  the  food  hi  question  is  food  for  the  mind  or  food  for  the  body. 
Metaphysics,  mathematics,  natural  and  moral  philosophy,  history, 
biography,  voyages,  travels,  novels,  romances,  poetry,  and  Punch, 
especially  Punch,  are  all  varieties  of  mental  food  which  may  each  have 
their  peculiar  and  important  influence  on  the  intellect ;  but  the  food  con- 
templated by  Dr.  Kennedy  seems  to  have  been  that  which  nourishes  the 
brain  in  common  with  the  rest  of  the  body,  and  consists  of  various  animal 
and  vegetable  substances  popularly  comprehended  under  the  name  of  grub. 
_  There  is  a  psychological  condition,  corresponding  to  a  supposed  con- 
sistence of  head,  characteristic  of  certain  persons  who  are  commonly 
called  pudding-headed.  Others  are  described  as  leather-headed  for  an 
analogous  reason.  Perhaps  these  states  of  mind  result  from  some  par- 
ticular kind  of  diet  tending  to  induce  as  it  were  a  coriaceous  toughness 
or  a  doughy'softness  of  understanding.  The  brain  contains  phosphorus, 
and  so  do  many  kinds  of  food ;  the  phosphorus  in  the  brain  may  be 
concerned  in  the  evolution  of  luminous  ideas  ;  and  it  may  be  desirable 
for  those  whose  intellects  are  dull  to  put  themselves  on  a  diet  con- 
taining an  extra  quantity  of  phosphorus  in  order  to  obtain  intellectual 
brightness.  Some  jokers  perhaps  eat,  and  more  ought  to  eat,  a  great 
deal  of  phosphorus.  If  there  be  anything  eatable  that  will  nourish  the 
intellect,  how  does  it  taste  ?  "Pat  paunches,"  we  are  told  by  Siiaks- 
peare,  "  have  lean  pates,"  an  observation  extensively  but  by  no  means 
universally  true,  "  and  dainty  bits,"  adds  the  divine  Williams,  "  make 
rich  the  ribs  but  banker  out  the  wits."    On  the  other  hand  Dr.  John- 


son said,  "Sir,  the  man  who  will  not  take  careof  his  belly  will  hardly 
take  care  of  anything  else."  Johnson's  large  intellect  appears  to  have 
derived  its  nourishment  from  a  great  variety  and  enormous  amount  of 
savoury  viands,  in  odd  combination,  some_  of  them,  as  for  instance, 
plum -pudding  and  lobster-sauce.  Great  geniuses  are  often  consumptive 
— like  Dr.  Johnson.  Wits  are  generally  epicures ;  the  aptitude  to  say 
good  things  appears  connected  with  the  habit  of  eating  them.  What 
clever  fellows  your  Worships  would  be  if  green  fat  ran  to  intellect  as 
much  as  it  does  to  paunch,  and  over  indulgence  in  eating  and  drinking 
were  always  associated  with  mental  gluttony  ! 

If  the  intellect  generally  can  be  invigorated  by  peculiar  diet,  its 
several  faculties  may  be  capable  of  improvement  each  on  a  course  of 
some  particular  article  of  food.  In  that  case  it  would  be  a  good  specu- 
lation to  set  up  an  intellectual  eating-house,  or  mental  restaurant,  near 
a  college,  in  order  that  the  students  might  cultivate  particular  branches 
of  knowledge  on  the  dishes  suitable  to  each.  This  woidd  be  a  great 
improvement  on  the  system  of  eating  terms  in  a  vague  and  indiscrimi- 
nate way,  as  prescribed  at  the  Universities. 

"  Classical  salmi,  Sir.  Mathematical  stew.  Chop  and  logic  sauce, 
Sir,  very  nice.  Hebrew  calves'  liver  and  bacon.  Sanskrit  curry. 
Historical  aitch-bone  of  beef,  Sir,  Just  up.  Philosophical  saddle-of- 
mutton,  good  cut.  Sir.  Chemical  fondu.  Metaphysical  vol-au-vent. 
Pot-pourri  of  music.  Veal  jokelets,  Sir,  and  sauce-piquante."  _  Such, 
perhaps,  would  be  the  waiter's  recital  of  the  bill  ot  fare  provided  at 
dining  rooms  established  for  the  nutrition  and  refreshment  of  the  intel- 
lectual powers,  and  then,  perhaps,  you  would  hear  him  shout  down  a 
voice-pipe,  "  Cook,  two  simple  arithmetic  mutton  down  together  !  " 


Fashionable  Intelligence. — It  is  now  settled  beyond  all  doubt 
that  Mr.  Thomas  Sayers  is  not  going  to  Spa  this  year. 


August  31,  1SG1.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


91 


DR.    CULLEN. 

orthy  Dr.  Cullen  has  fallen 
foul  of  Lord  Brougham 
for  having,  in  his  place  as 
President  of  the  Social  Sci- 
ence Association,  dared  to 
criticise  the  Papal  Govern- 
ment. The  Pastoral  which 
contains  the  vituperation  of 
Loud  Brougham,  also  con- 
tains the  wonderful  state- 
ment subjoined — 

"  At  the  same  time  the  offer- 
ings of  our  faithful  won  for  them 
the  applause  of  the  Catholic 
world,  and  Ireland  was  admitted 
by  universal  consent  to  have  been 
the  first  and  foremost  among  the 
nations  that  rallied  round  the 
menaced  throne  of  the  Roman 
Pontiff.  The  prowess  of  her  sons 
on  the  battle-field  of  Italy  crowned 
the  former  efforts  of  our  island, 
and  proved  that  the  honour  and 
interests  of  the  Chair  of  St.  Peter 
are  interwoven  with  the  dearest 
affections  of  our  Catholic  people.'' 

The  Priest  who  has  to 
read  a  Pastoral  of  Dr. 
Cullen's  from  the  pulpit, 
might,  at  the  conclusion  of 
his  task,  do  well  to  caution 
the  assembled  faithful  that  what  they  had  just  heard  was  to  go  no  farther. 
What  must  anybody  outside  of  an  Irish  Roman  Catholic  Chapel,  or 
any  rational  and  commonly  informed  person  in  one,  think  of  the  above- 
quoted  brag  about  the  prowess  of  the  Pope's  Irish  auxiliaries  on  the 
battle-field  of  Italy  ?  Dr.  Cullen  perhaps  means  to  say  that  Major 
O'Reilly  thrashed  Cialdini  at  CasteMdardo.  The  Pope's  Irish 
Brigade  went  to  Italy  on  a  fool's  errand,  and  crowned  all  the  former 
efforts  of  Ireland  in  the  cause  which  they  fought  for  with  a  fool's  cap. 
They  returned  with  holes  in  their  garments,  which  were  not  made  by 
bullets  or  bayonets,  with  fleas  in  their  ears  and  elsewhere,  and  few 
wounds  that  were  worse  than  fleabites  and  the  bites  of  other  insects. 
Some  people  are  said  to  be  more  Irish  than  the  Irish  themselves.  In 
like  manner  the  effrontery  of  Dr.  Cullen  is  brazen  to  a  degree  above 
the  impudence  of  even  the  Brass  Band. 


NOYELTY  IN  NEEDLEWORK. 

_  We  have  heard  no  end  of  tales  about  the  wonderful  precocity  of  the 
rising  generation,  but  the  instance  of  it  noted  in  the  following  adver- 
tisement is  perhaps  of  all  the  marvels  that  have  reached  us  the  most 
marvellous : — 


w 


ANTED,  a  clean,  respectable  GIRL,  to  NURSE  a  BABY,  who  can 

fill  up  her  time  in  plain  sewing.     A  country  girl  preferred.    Apply,  &c. 

A  Baby  "who  can  Jill  up  her  time  in  plain  sewing  "  must  be  a  most 
surprising  infantine  phenomenon.  The  lady  in  the  song,  we  are  told, 
could  solve  a  problem  m  Euclid  before  she  could  speak ;  but  for  a  girl 
to  ply  her  needle  when  m  a  state  of  babyhood,  appears  to  us  a  feat  by 
no  means  less  astonishing.  We  wonder,  can  this  baby  sempstress 
thread  a  needle  for  her  work,  and  cut  her  cotton  properly  ?  The  first 
named  of  these  processes  must  be  a  little  difficult,  and  as  much  as  she 
can  manage;  for  when  they  fill  then-  needle,  women  generally,  we 
notice,  bite  the  thread  to  make  it  pass  ;  and  how  a  baby  can  do  this  is 
somewhat  of  a  puzzle  to  us. 

But,  however  this  may  be  a  baby  who  can  sew  must  be  a  treasure  to 
its  parents,  for  babies  mostly  begin  squalling  when  not  otherwise  en- 
gaged, and  their  employments  for  the  most  part  are  limited  to  acts  of 
taking  nutriment  and  sleep.  Now,  sewing  is  the  quietest  of  quiet  occu- 
pations, and  it  must  be  a  great  blessing  when  a  baby  kindly  takes  to  it. 

As  for  the  infant  that  has  been  the  cause  of  these  remarks,  we  hope 
this  baby  sewer  will  reap  the  full  advantage  of  her  early  education  and 
be  always  competent  to  take  that  stitch  in  time  which  is  proverbially 
the  means  oi  saving  needle-ess  labour. 


Reward  for  Early  Hours. 

We  say  to  Young  Ladies :— "As  you  prize  your  beauty,  as  you  value 
your  future  prospects,  go  to  bed  early.  Look  at  Cinderella  !  Whenever 
she  went  to  a  ball,  she  was  bidden  by  her  good  godmamma  to  leave  off 
precisely  at  Twelve.  And  what  was  her  reward  ?  Why,  she  married  a 
Prince ! 


SINECURES  EOR  SALE. 

There  is  nothing  at  all  singular  in  the  following  advertisement.  On 
the  contrary,  enough  of  such  to  make  the  number  plural  are  every  week 
put  in  the  Record,  and  other  organs  of  the  Church : — 

CHURCH  PREFERMENT  FOR  SALE. 

MR.  BLANK  is  instructed  to  DISPOSE  of  the  NEXT  PRESENTA- 
TION to  the  SINECURE  RECTORY  of  Snoozewell.  There  are  no  duties  of 
any  kind  to  be  performed,  and  the  Living  may  be  held  with  any  other  Preferment 
or  Clerical  Appointment  in  any  part  of  the  globe.  The  income  is  £235  a-year  fixed, 
from  which  there  are  no  outgoings  of  any  kind  whatever.  The  duties  of  the  Parish 
are  performed  by  a  Resident  Vicar,  who  receives  the  vicarial  Tithes.  Age  of  present 
Rector,  71.     Price  very  lovv.     Interest  would  be  allowed  till  possession. 

There  is  nothing  strange,  we  say,  in  this  announcement.  The_  cure 
of  souls  has  long  been  every  whit  as  saleable  as  the  cure  of  herrings  : 
and  even  as  the  cure  is,  so  the  sinecure  is  also.  Sinecurist  Clergymen 
are  nowadays  as  common  as  sinecurist  Colonels  ;  and  the  plan  of  getting 
pay  without  doing  any  work  is  no  more  practised  in  the  Army  than  it 
is  in  the  Church  militant.  Clerical  auctioneers  have  pulpits  hj  the 
score  to  offer  from  their  pulpit,  and  pluralists  Avho  can  afford  to 
purchase  sinecure  appointments  daily  hear  of  something  eligible  offered 
to  their  notice. 

We  mean,  therefore,  nothing  personal  to  the  fortunate  possessor  of  the 
next  presentation  to  the  rectory  of  Snoozewell,  if  we  venture  here  to 
call  attention  to  the  sale  of  it :  nor  we  trust  will  Mr.  Blank  feel 
offended  by  our  freedom  if  we  put  into  his  mouth  the  following  address, 
which  in  offering  the  property  he  might  either  sing  or  speak,  and 
enliven  it,  if  he  so  pleased,  by  the  saltatory  accompaniment  with  which 
the  tune  we  have  selected  is  commonly  performed : — 

Air—"  The  Perfect  Cure." 
Now,  gents,  draw  near,  and  lend  an  ear, 

I  've  something  snug  to  offer, 
All  play  and  pay ;  now  start  me,  pray, 

Come,  what 's  the  price  you  '11  proffer  ? 
Who  '11  buy,  buy,  buy  ? — To  a  rectory  I 

The  next  chance  can  ensure : 
Don't  fear  lest  you  '11  have  work  to  do, 
Por  'tis  a  Sinecure. 
Refrain.  A  cure,  a  cure,  a  Sinecure  ! 

Of  this  you  may  be  sure, 
An  easy  shoe  you  '11  step  into, 
A  perfect  Sinecure ! 

"  A  thousand  pounds  " — "And  fifty  " — Zounds  ! 

You  really  must  bid  quicker  : 
"  One  hundred  "— "  two" — No  work  to  do, 

'Tis  all  done  by  the  Vicar. 
"  Pour  hundred  " — "  Pive"— Come,  look  alive, 

It 's  worth  your  while,  be  sure ; 
"  Six"— thank  you—"  Eight  "—short  time  you  '11  wait 
Por  this  snug  Sinecure. 
Refrain,         A  cure,  a  cure,  a  Sinecure ! 

Such  slow  bids  can't  be  sure  : 
To  all  I  cry,  come  buy,  buy,  buy, 
A  perfect  Sinecure  ! 


THE  PRESENT  STATE  OP  LONDON. 

The  streets  of  London  are  all  up,  and  the  blinds  all  down.  We 
publish  the  above  information  for  the  benefit  of  the  ladies  who  are 
at  the  sea-side,  and  to  tell  them,  much  as  we  may  sigh  over  their 
absence,  that  there  is  nothing  immediate  or  pressing  to  call  them 
back  to  town,  and  they  are  fully  at  liberty  to  tell  then-  husbands  so.  It 
is  as  well  when  that  importuning  admonition  does  come,  that  the  dear 
creatures  should  be  prepared  with  an  answer  that  should  be  an  effectual 
stopper  for  some  weeks  to  future  importunities.  We  can  assure  them 
that  there  is  not  a  single  person  of  note  left  in  town,  with  the  exception 
of  the  obliging  successor  of  Mr.  Matthew  Marshall,  who  is^  com- 
pelled to  remain  behind  to  sign  the  billions  of  bank-notes  requisite  for 
remittances.  We  had  an  interview  with  him  only  the  day  before  yester- 
day, that  to  us  was  of  the  most  satisfactory  nature. _  We  trust  that  his 
wrist,  used  as  it  is  to  autograph  work,  has  by  this  time  ceased  aching. 


Asa  Atmospheric  Fact. 

Meat  will  not  keep  in  this  hot  weather,  not  even  in  a  lodging-house. 
Though  we  have  seen  the  meat  safe  over  night,  and  were  pleased  to 
think  it  was  so  full  of  hope,  and  looked  so  promising  for  the  morrow's 
dinner,  yet  the  next  day  every  scrap  would  be  found  to  have  gone,  and 
gone  too  beyond  all  hope  of  recovery.  Meat  never  goes  so  quickly  as 
at  the  sea-side.  In  fact,  it  goes  infinitely  quicker  than  it  comes. 
Husbands,  who  are  fond  of  hot  dinners,  should  go  to  a  marine  lodging- 
house,  for  they  will  never  see  there  by  any  chance  a  bit  of  cold  meat 
for  weeks  and  weeks  together. 


92 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[August  31,  1861. 


MINE  HOST'S  REJOINDER. 


;  SlR, 


"  Planlagenet  Arms  Hotel, 
"  Diddleton. 


"Being  myself  and  my  wife  connected  with  the  hupper  classes, 
having  been  Butler  in  the  family  of  a  Marquis  until  such  times  as  I 
took  this  Hotel,  in  conjunction  with  Mrs.  Griper,  which  I  am  proud 
to  say  was  lady's  maid  to  a  Duchess  (also  a  Countess),  I  will  not 
bemean  myself  by  Answering  Penny  Publications,  in  which  I  am  given 
to  understand  there  is  now  many  complaints  upon  the  subject  of 
charges  at  Respectable  Hotels  ;  but  as  my  waiters  tell  me  that  some 
Gents,  who  should  know  better,  introduce  such  subjex  in  conversation, 
I  write  these  few  hues  to  ask  you  this  question. 

"  Where  do  these  Snobbs  Live  that  complains  of  our  charges  ? 

"I  am  not  myself,  nor  Mus.  G.,  much  acquainted  with  the  lower 
orders,  but  I  am  informed  by  some  of  my  waiters  that  they  know 
Parties  as  write  to  the  Penny  press,  after  they  have  sneaked  out  of  a 
Hotel,  and  made  a  Gabble  at  the  door,  to  get  away  without  giving  any- 
thing to  the  Servants.  I  am  given  to  understand  that  these  Sneaks, 
when  they  are  at  home,  live  in  a  way  quite  inconsistent  with  their  bluster- 
ings.  I  should  like  to  know  which  of  them  and  their  females  ever  see, 
much  more  sit  down  in,  such  rooms  as  mine,  except  wheii  let  out  for  their 
Holiday.  I  am  told  that  when  they  are  showed  into  my  bed-rooms, 
where  everythink  is  fit  for  the  reception  of  the  real  Aristoxy,  they  stare 
about  as  if  they  were  out  of  their  spear,  which  I  make  no  doubt 
they  are.  They  touch  my  Marble  wash-stands  to  find  out  if  it  is  real 
marble,  which  shows  what  they  must  be  accustomed  to,  viz.,  Painted 
Deel  from  theTottnam  Ct.  Road.  As  for  dressing-rooms,  that  frightens 
them,_andthey  thiuk  they  are  going  to  be  Separated  for  ever,  instead 
of  living  like  ladies  and  gentlemen.  As  for  a  Toilet  pale,  they  look  at 
it  like  a  progidy,  and  one  gent  wispered  his  Wife  it  were  a  Spitoon,  as 
many  Porreners  perhaps  came  to  our  Hotel.  They  complain  of  charge 
for  Boots,  but  it  is  Boots  wich  ought  to  complain  that  his  brushes  has 
to  go  upon  such  shoes  as  come  here  in  the  autum  some,  if  you  will 
believe  me,  Soled  and  eeled !  Do  you  think  such  Polk  have  Napkins  at 
dmner  in  their  own  houses,  or  Pinger- Glasses,  or  Silver  forks? 
Electuary-silver  I  should  say,  sir,  if  anything  better  than  3  prongs. 
But  try  them  with  Asparrowgrass,  sir,  that  is  the  test.    Our  Queen, 


sir,  and  the  real  Aristoxy  uses  her  fingers,  but  these  Snobbs  look  afeard 
of  the  thing,  and  then  Giggles,  and  take  forks,  and  make  some  Low 
joke  about  hooking  like  Tallow  Candles.  Then  go  away  and  write  to  a 
Penny  Paper,  printing  their  Bills,  (which  a  party  tells  me  is  a  Libel, 
and  might  be  proceeded  against,)  but  such  Ignorance  is  beneath 
content,  and  let  the  World  know  that  the  Snob  has  once  in  his  life 
time  stopped  in  a  Decent  Hotel.  By  placing  the  above  Remarks  in 
your  own  Imitable  Way,  for  I  do  not  profess  to  be  much  of  an  Author, 
nor  dont  want  to  it,  judging  by  Speciments,  no  offence  to  you,  Mil. 
Punch,  who  are  a  gentleman,  I  shall  be  much  obliged  and  so  will  the- 
Trade,  and  what  I  say  is,  let  those  who  dont  like  the  Manners  and 
Customs  of  respectable  hotels  stay  at  home  or  go  to  Slap-bangs,  of 
which  I  am  given  to  understand  there  are  enuff  in  hevery  Town  for  all 
the  Snobbs  that  comes  out  for  a  Lark. 

"  I  am,  Sir,  yours  respectfully, 

"Bumpshus  Griper." 

"P.S.  Oue  of  them  had  the  Impudence  to  ask  my  waiter  for  a 
Pipe  !  Being  properly  Rebuked,  went  into  the  Town  and  Sneeked  in 
with  a  Penny  Pipe  up  his  sleeve,  and  locked  his  Door  and  smoaked. 
Perhaps  he  will  write  that  Pact  to  his  Penny  Paper." 


One  Who  Obstinately  will  Not  Leave  Town. 

This  is  the  general  time  for  taking  holidays.  We  are  all  the  more 
astonished,  therefore,  that  the  Pope  does  not  think  of  taking  his 
Conge.  We  are  positive  that  not  a  soul  would  object  to  it,  and,  even 
supposing  that  he  never  came  back  again,  we  do  not  think  that  any  one 
would  be  churlish  enough  to  find  fault  with  him.  We  do  not  know  of 
a  single  person  to  whom  change  of  air  would  do  so  much  good  as  to  Pio 
Nono,  and  it  is  time  that  the  obstinate  old  gentleman  was  made,  for 
his  own  good,  to  take  it. 

HYLAX  IN  LIMINE    LATRAT. 

A  Pool  in  France  has  just  hanged  himself  because  he  has  lost  his 
faithful  dog.  We  shudder  to  think  what  may  become  of  the  Emperor 
op  Austria,  if  anybody  should  run  away  with  Tearem. 


Printed  by  William  Bradbury,  of  No.  13,  Upper  Woburn  Place,  and  Frederick  Mullen  Evans,  of  No.  19,  Queen's  Road  West,  Regent's  .Park,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Pancras,  in  the  County  of  Middlesex, 
Printers,  at  their  Office  in  Lombard  Street,  in  the  Precinct  of  Whitefriars,  in  the  City  of  London,  and  Published  by  them  at  No.  85,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  Uty  ot  London.— 
Saturday,  August  31, 1861. 


\ 


COMPLETION    OF   THE   ENGLISH    CYCLOP2EDIA. 

This  day  is  Published,  Part  XXXII.,  Price  2s.  6d.,  of 

THE    ENGLISH    CYCLOPAEDIA 

OP  ARTS  AND  SCIENCES. 

This  Part  completes  the  Division  of  Arts  and  Sciences,  and  the  entire  Work. 

*»*  Vol.  8  will  be  ready  for  delivery  in  a  few  days. 

Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


This  day  is  Published,  Price  Is.,  Part^XXVI.  of 

ONCE        A        WEEK. 

With  Numerous  Illustrations  by 

LEECH,  MILLAIS,  KEENE,  TENNIEL,  &c.  &c. 

Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


> 

< 
Q 

IE 

< 
> 

cc 

> 

Ul 

D 
LU 


_1 
D. 


RE-ISSUE      OF     PUNCH. 

The  Double  Volume  for  1844  (Vols.  6  and  7  together),  Price  10s.  6d.,  in  cloth,  and 
Vol.  7,  price  5s.,  in  boards,  are  now  ready. 

Bradbury  &,  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


BY  SHIRLEY  BROOKS, 

Author  of  "  The  Gordian  Knot,"  "Aspen  Court,"  &c. 
Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— September  7,   1861. 

MANURE    FOR    THE     MILLION! 

Price  Id.  ;  or  for  general  distribution,  9d.  per  doz.,  or  6s.  per  100. 
London:  BRADBURY  &  EVANS,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.G. 

MR.   DU    OHAILLU  S    TRAVELS. 

TENTH  THOUSAND,  with  Illustrations,  Svo,  21s. 

ADVENTURES   IN   EQUATORIAL  AFRICA, 

With  Accounts  of  the  CA.NNTBALS  and  other  SAVAGE  TRIBES,  and  of  the  CHASE 
of  the  GORILLA,  the  NEST-BUILDING  APE,  &c. 

By  PAUL  B.  DU  CHAILLU. 

The  Times. — "  This  extraordinary  production.  We  must  go  hack  to  the  voyaores  oFLa  Perouse 
and  Captain  Co'>k,  and  a'm<>st  to  the  days  of  wonder  which  followed  the  tract  of  Columbus,  for 
novelties  of  equal  signiftc-uice  to  tlie  age  of  thuir  discovery.  M.  du  Ch:iillu  has  struck  into  the 
very  si'iue  of  Africa,  aud  has  lifted  the  veil  of  the  torrid  zone  from  its  western  rivers,  swamps, 
and  forests." 

Saturday  R'virw. — "  II.  Du  Chailhi's  narrative  will  not  disappoint  the  expectations  which  it 
has  excited.  Its  literary  merits  are  considerable,  for  it  is  clear,  lively,  and  judicious'y  pruned  of 
unimportant  details.  His  explorations  were  in  no  degree  exempt  from  the  hardships  and 
dangers  which  are  the  condition  of  Afiican  travel." 

J'.HS  MURRAY,  Albemarle  Street. 

WEDDING  AMD  BIRTHDAY  PRESENTS,  &c, 

.  A.  SIMPSON  &  Co., 

T5EG  to  solicit  the  honour  of  a  visit  from  their  numerous  Patrons  to  inspect  their  present 
*-*  Stock,  which  is  in  every  respect  unrivalled,  comprising  Jewellery  in  all  its  branches,  Watches, 
French  Drawing  and  Dining  Room  and  Library  Chicks,  Garnitures  de  Chernme'e,  Jewel  and 
Scent  Caskets,  Etui  Cases,  Mediaeval  Mounted  Envelope  and  Blotting  Cases  and  Inkstands 
en  suite  in  ''Thuya  Imperiale"  and  other  choice  woods.  Ladies  and  Gentlemen's  Dressing 
Cases  with  Silver,  Silver-gilt  and  Plated  fittiugs,  Travelling  Dressing  Bags  fitted  complete., 
Reticule  and  Carriage  Bags,  Despatch  Boxes,  Travelling  and  Tourists'  Writing  Cases,  besides  a 
large  variety  of  other  Articles  too  numerous  to  specify,  suitable  for  Presentation. 

T.  A.  SIMPSON  &  Co., 

GOLDSMITHS,    JEWELLERS,  CLOCK  &  WATCH   MANUFACTURERS,  DRESSING-CASE 
MAKERS  AND  FOREIGN  IMPORTERS, 

154,  Regent  Street,  and  8.   Be^k  Street,  W. 

"■"APPIN    BROTHERS'   TABLE   CUTLERY,    67   and    63,  KING 

ii&  WILLIAM  STREET,   LONDON  BRIDGE.     Established  in  Sheffield,  a.d.  1S10.     None  are 

genuine  without  their  Corporate  Mark — the  "Sun,"  granted  to  their  fattier  by  the  Cutlers' 
Company  of  Sheffield,  June  26th,  1835. 

Ordinary  Quality.  Ale'lturo  Quality.  Best  Quality. 

Two  dozen  full-size  Table  Knives  ivorv  handles  £2    i    0         £3     0    0  £1  12    0 

One-and-a-half  dozen  full-size  Cheese  ditto   140           114    0  2  110 

One  pair  regular  meat  Carvers  0     7    6            Oil     0  0  15     6 

One  pair  extra  size  ditto 086            0  12     0  0]66 

One  pair  Poultry  Carvers 0    7    0            0  11     0  0  15     6 

One  Steel  for  Sharpening 030            040  060 

Complete  Service £4  14    6         £6  18    6        £9  16    6 

Any  quantity  can  be  had  at  the  same  prices.     None  of  the  above  can  come  loose  in  Hot  Water. 
Manufactory,  Queen's  Cutlery  Works,  Sheffield. 

UNITED    STATES    OF   AMERICA. 
KXNGSFOKDS 


Eor  Puddings,  Custards,  Blanc  Mange,  &c. 
IS  THE  ORIGINAL  ARTICLE— ESTABLISHED  1849. 

The  Oswego  has  a  Delicacy  and  Purity  not  possessed  by  any  of  the  English 

Imitations. 
igg°  Give  it  one  trial,  so  as  to  know  what  the  genuine  American  article  is. 


THE  NEW  LAW  OF  BANKRUPTCY. 
Will  be  Published  Sept.  2,  Crown  Svo,  price  Is. 

ME     BAIKRUPTCY 

A  MANUAL, 

Being:  a  plain  Summary  of  the  whole  of  ihe  evisting 
Statute  Law  relating  to  Bankruptcy,  Compositions 
and  Arrangements  with  Creditois,  as  affecting 
Traders  and  Non  Traders,  and  the  modes  of  obtain- 
ing Protection  for  their  Persons  and  Estates. 
By  CHARLES  EDWARD  LEWIS,  Solicitor. 
Richardson  &  Co.,  Cnrnhill. 


THE  HABA^A  CIGAB  CGM- 

&     PANY.      Offices  and    Warehouse,  48, 
Pall  Mall.  St.  James's,  London,  S.W. 

Established  for  the  importation  and  sale  of  real 
Habana  Cigars,  and  genuine  tobaccos.  Clubs, 
Hotels,  Naval  and  Military  Messes,  and  the  Tr,  de 
and  Shippers  supplied,  on  liberal  terms. 

Louis  Silbkkberg,  Manager. 


INDIGESTION     AND     ALL 

A    DISORDERS     of    the     STOMACH.— 

One  dose  of 
DR.  HUGO'S    MEDICAL    ATOMS    immediately 
gives  relief.    They  have  a  delightful  taste.    Sold  by 
all  Druggists, at  Is.  \$d.,  2*.£M.,and  4s. 6d.  per  packet. 

0ALT  and  Co/s  EAST  INDIA 

WP  PALE  ALE  (imperial  pints  4*.  dd.  the 
dozpn),  Burton  Ales,  and  Guinness's  extra  Stout,  in 
bottles  of  reputed  and  imperial  measures,  and  casks 
of  18  gallons  and  upwards.  Ale  for  exportation.— 
Moody  &  Co.,  Agents,  Lime  Street,  E.G. 

TFXTRACT  OF  ROSES,  FOR 

«*■*  Cleansing,  Preserving,  and  Beautifying 
the  Hair— imparts  to  the  Hair  the  fragrance  of  the 
Rose,  and  gives  it  a  smooth  and  glossy  appearance. 
After  violent  exercise,  or  in  warm  weather,  its  re- 
freshing qualities  must  be  proved  to  be  appreciated. 
3s.,  5s.,  and  10*. 

H.  Rigge,  35,  New  Bond  Street. 


gANGSTERS' 

Silk   and  Alpaca 
Umbrellas,    and    Sun 
Shades,   on  Fox's  Pa- 
ragon Frames. 
140,  Regent  Street,  W.  ; 
94,  Fleet  Street,  E.C.  ; 
IC.RoyalEschange.E.C. 
75,  Cheapside,  E.C. 
SHIPPERS  SUPPLIED. 


"  I  mark'd  it  well,  'twas  black  as  jet." 

TESSEY'S   MARKING   INK. 

-s«5  Established  in  1838.  An  intense  black, 
unaltered  by  washing,  as  testified  by  Dr.  Ure. 
See  Testimonial,  at  the  Proprietor's. 

J.  Lesset  ,  97,  Hi<rh  Street,  Marylebone. 


GARDNERS^: 

DINNER  SERVICE, 
:45'3&6aStRANDi 


SAUCE -LEA  &   PEKRitfS' 

W  WORCESTERSHIRE  SAUCE.  Pro- 
nounced by  Connoisseurs  to  be  "The  ouly  Good 
Sauce." 

Sold  Wholesale  and  for  Export,  by  the  Proprietors, 
Worcesrer;  Messrs.  Crossb  v  Buckweli,,  London,' 
&c.  &c,  and  by  Grocers  and  Oilmen  universally. 


pATENT  Indestructible  Mineral  Teeth, 
_  and  Flexible  Gums  without  Palaies,  Springs  or 
Wires,  and  without  any  operation.  "One  Set  lasts 
a  Lifetime,"  and  warranted  for  every  purposeof  mas- 
tication or  articulation,  even  when  all  others  fail. 
Purest  materials  and  first-class  woikmanBhip  at 
half  the  usual  cost. 


No.  27,  HARLEY  STREET,  CAVENDISH 
and:i4,LUl)GATE  HILL,  LONDON; 
65,  NEW  STREET,  BIRMINGHAM; 
134,  DUKE   STREET,  LIVERPOOL. 


S<&, 


U     E 


E 


CARRIAGE  FREE 

To  any  part  of  the  Kingdom, 

ILLUSTRATED    AND    PRICED    CATALOGUES 

Forwarded  Gratis  and  Post  Free  on  Application. 

P.   &    S.     BEYFUS, 

01  to  95,  City  Road. 


WO    CHARGE     MADE    FOR     STAMPING    PAPER 

A*  and  ENVELOPES  with  ARMS.  OREST.  or  IN  I  I'l  A  I.S. -KOHRIGUES' 
superior  cream-laid  adhesive  ENVELOPES,  id.  per  10(1 ;  cream  laid  note,  full-site,  five  quires 
for  bd.  ;  thick  ditto,  five  quires  for  Is.;  superfine  foolscap.  9s.  per  ream     sermon  paper,  4s.  ^d. 

WEDDING  CARDS,  WEDDING  tNVELOl'ES,  INVITATIONS  to  the  CEREMONY, 
DliJIiUNKR  and  BALL,  PRINTED  and  STAMPED  in  SILVER,  with  ARMS  or  CREST 
in  the  latest  fashion.  CARD-PLATE  ELEGANTLY  ENGRAVED  and  lim  SUPERFIN., 
CARDS  PRINTED  for  Js  fid. 

Observe,  at  HENRY  RODRIGUES'  well-known  Establishment,  42, Piccadilly,  two  door- 
front  Sackville  Street,  W. 

•'T"HE    GENTLEMEN'S  SEAL    HEAD    0E    HAIR,   OR  INVISIBLE 

'-      PERUKE.— The  principle  upon  which  this   Peruke  Is   made  is  an  superior  to  everything  yet 

produced,  thai  lue  MmiutHCturer  Invites  the  honour  of  a  visit  from  the  Sceptic  and  the  Connoisseur,  that  one  maybe 
HiutmreO  and  'be  other  [{ratified,  by  ID  spec  tins  'bis  and  other  novel  and  beautiful  specimen!  of  the  Peruouelan  Art,  at 
.he  Establishment  of  the  Sole  Inventor,  F.  BROWNE,    17.  FENCHURCH    STREET. 

F.  BROWNE'S    INFALLIBLE    MODE   OF    MEASURING 
THE  HEAD. 

Inches.  I  Eighths. 


Round  the  Eead,  in  manner  of  a  fillet,  leavin 
the  Lais  loose     ,.        .,        ,.        ,,        ,. 


From  the  Forehead  over  to  the    poll,  aB  deep 
each  way  as  required ,         .. 


From  one  Temple  to  the  other  across  the  rise 
or  Crowa  of  the  Head  to  where  the  Hair  grows 


As  doited 
1  to  l. 


%g*"°°* 


As  dotted 
!  to  2. 


As  marked 
3  to  3. 


THE  CHARGE  FOR  THIS  UNIQUE  HEAD  OF 
HAIR,  ONLY  £1  10*. 


HARVEY'S  EISH  SAUCE  — 
Notice  of  Injunction  — Tiie  admirers 
of  this  celebrated  Fish  Sauce  are  p3rr.1cata.rly  re- 
quested to  observe  that  none  is  genuine  hut  that 
which  bears  the  back  label  with  the  name  oi  Wil- 
liam Ijazenby,  as  well  as  the  front  label  signed 
"  Elizabeth  Lazenby,"  and  that  for  further  security, 
on  the  neck  of  every  bottle  of  t<  e  Genuine  Sauce 
will  henceforward  appear  an  additional  Unel.  printed 
in  green  and  red,  as  follows :—"  This  notice  will  be 
affixed  to  LazenbyJs  Harvey's  Sauce,  prepare!  at 
the  original  warehouse,  in  addition  to  the  well  known 
labels,  which  are  protected  against  Imitation  by  a 
perpetual  injunction  in  Chancery  uf  9ih  July,  I808." 
(i,  Edwards  Street,  Portman  Square,  Loudon,  W. 


ROWLANDS'  MACASSAR  OIL,  for  promoting 
the  Growth,  Restoring  and  Beautifying  the  liuinau 
Hair. 

ROWLANDS'  KALYOOR  for  Improving  and 
Beautifying  the  Complexion  and  Skin,  and  Eradi- 
cating Cutaneous  defects. 

ROWLANDS'  ODONTO.  or  Pearl  Dentifrice,  for 
the  Teeth,  Gums,  and  Breath. 

Sold  at  20,  Hatton  Garden,  and  by  Chemists  and 
Perfumers. 

fff-HE     NEW     LUXURY- 

*  THE  NEAPOLITAN   IUE. 

At  ST.  JAMES'S  HALE. 
Wedding  "Breakfasts,  Ball  Suppers,  &c,  supplied. 

pOCKS'S     CELEBRATED 

*&  READING  SAUCE, 

"Which  is  so  highly  esteemed  with  Fish,  Game, 
Steaks,  Soups,  Grills,  Gravies,  Hot  &  Cold  Meats, 
aud  unrivalled  for  general  use,  is  Sold  by  the  most 
respectable  Dealers  in  Fish  Sauces. 

C.  Cocss,  Reading,  Sole  Manufacturer. 

f^LEN  FIELD     PATENT 

*W*   STARCH,  Used  in  the  Roy  :d  Laundry, 

and  Pronounced  by  Her  Majesty's  Laundress,  to  be 
the  Finest  Starch  she  ever  usea.  Sold  by  all  Chan- 
dlers, Grocers,  &c.  &c. 

Wqtherspoon  &  Co.,  Glasgow  and  London. 


HER  MAJESTY  S  VISIT  TO 
IRELAND.  —  Oallaghan's  Oph.ra, 
Race,  and  Field  Glasses,  matchless  for  power 
unil  portability;  may  be  worn  round  the  neck  R8  a 
d  uble  eye-glass.  Invaluable  to  the  tourist,  and  for 
viewing  scenery  at  four  to  five  miles  distance  *re 
preferred  to  the  telescope.  Equally  available  at  the 
opera-house,  race-course,  or  review.  Price  30*.,  45s., 
alia  ,  70*.,  and  Si's  ,  accordiugto  s-zeand  po^er.  — May- 
be had  at  Messrs.  Smith  &  Son's  Bookstalls  at 
the  principal  railway  stations:  and  in  Ireland  at 
Bray,  the  Curragh,  Killarney,  Kingstown,  Limeri  k 
Junction,  Mallow,  Newbridge,  and  21,  Lower  Snrk- 
ville  Street,  Dublin ;  or  will  be  sent  free  on  remit- 
tance io  William  Callaghan,  Optician,  2&A,  New 
Bond  Street,  W.,  corner  of  Conduit  Street,  London. 


O,    M.  INNES  &  Co ,  WINE 

■La-  Merchants,  69,  Strand,  W  C.,  strongly 
recommend  their  Pale  Dry  Dinner  Sherry  at  JHs., 
32s.,  and  66s.;  Vino  de  Pasto,  48s.;  Pure  Medoe 
Claret,  24». 


p  RICHARD'S    DANDELION 

■&  Chamomile,  Rhubarb,  and  Ginger  Pills, 
are  unequalled  in  Great  Britain  for  the  cure  of  Indi- 
gestion and  all  Bilious  Disorders.  In  bottles,  Is.  I$f£* 
2*  9<L,  As.  6d.,  and  lis.  Address,  fa,  Charing  Cross, 
May  be  had  of  all  Medicine  Vendors. 


T  0ND0N  AND  RYDER,  late 

&d  Hancock,  Goldsmith*  and  Jewel it-rs, 
17,  Neu  Bond  Street,  respectfully  invite  the  notice 
of  the  nobility.  &c.,  to  their  New  Stuck  of  Eleirant 
Jewellery.  Every  article  in  the  best  possible  taste, 
and  at  moderate  prices.  A  vaiiety  of  novelties  spe- 
cially adapted  for  Wedding  Souvenirs.  Diamonds 
rearranged,  &c.  17,  New  Bond  Street,  corner  of 
Clifford  Street.    Established  30  Years. 


WANTED    CLOTHES,    UNI- 

v«  FORMS,  JEWELLERY,  &c.  of  every 
Description.  Full  Value  in  Cash  sriven  by  Mr.  or 
Mrs.  Davis,  2,  Crawford  Street,  T«o  Doors  I'rntn 
Baker  Street,  W.,  and  46,  Marylebone  Lane,  W. 
Parcel  sent,  P.O.  Order  Remi  ted. 
Established  18lK>. 


fiHUEB'S   PATENT   DETEC- 

\J  TOR  LOCKS;  Chubb's  Fire  and  Bur- 
glar Proof  Safes;  Chubb's  Fireproof  Strnns-rnom 
Doors;  Chubb's  Street-door  Lntrhes,  with  small 
keys;  Chubb's  Cash  aud  Deed  Boxes.— Illustrated 
Price  List  sent  free. 

Chubb  &  Son,  No.  57,  St.  Paul's  Churchyard. 


How  Two  Friends  of  dues  who  can't  bear  being  Looked  Over  while  thet  are  Sketching,  Circumvented  the  Impertinent 

Curiosity  of  the  Vulgar. 


THE    PARISIAN    MASS    MARKET. 

Some  curious  revelations  of  the  tricks  of  the  Mass  Trade  in  Paris, 
have  just  transpired  on  the  trial  of  a  priest  named  Vidal  for  frauds 
committed  by  him  in  that  traffic.  Not  long  ago,  one  of  the  oldest  sacer- 
dotal firms  in  Paris,  carrying  on  business  at  a  certain  church,  was  found 
to  have  contracted  to  say,  on  behalf  of  the  soids  of  parties  deceased, 
some  30,000  Masses,  for  which  the  money  had  been  paid ;  but  the  reve- 
rend contractors  had  failed  to  meet  their  engagements.  It  appeared 
that  respectable  houses  and  individuals  concerned  in  this  branch  of 
commerce,  were  very  generally  in  the  habit  of  taking  more  orders  for 
the  release  of  souls  from  Purgatory  than  they  were  able  to  execute. 
This  discovery  led  to  an  arrangement  between  the  Massmongers  and 
the  Booksellers,  whereby  the  latter  undertook  to  act  as  middlemen 
between  two  classes  of  the  former ;  the  priests,  on  the  one  hand,  who 
had  taken  orders  to  say  greater  numbers  of  Masses  than  they  were  able, 
and,  on  the  other,  those  who  were  short  of  orders  for  Masses.  The 
orders  are  taken  by  the  priests,  at  one  franc  per  Mass ;  and  it  often 
happens  that  one  priest  has  accepted  commissions  to  perform  many 
thousands  of  Masses  at  that  rate  ;  bargains  which  he  is  unable  to  fulfil. 
The  bookseller  takes  the  Masses  off  the  hands  of  the  incumbered  priests, 
and  allots  them  to  substitutes  of  the  class  out  of  engagements.  He  pays 
the  priests  whose  surplus  Masses  he  buys,  in  books,  and  remunerates 
those  whom  he  employs  to  say  them  in  the  same  kind,  pocketing  the 
difference  in  value,  which,  on  an  average,  amounts  to  above  50  per 
cent. 

_  M.  l' Abbe  Vidal  had  mixed  himself  up  with  transactions  of  this 
kind,  having  adjoined  the  book-trade  to  the  ecclesiastical  and  Mass- 
mongcry  line.  Both  as  Massmonger  and  bibliopole,  however,  he  com- 
mitted the  untradesman-like  mistake  of  falsifying  his  accounts.  In 
order  to  save  his  books,  he  enlarged  the  Mass-returns.  According  to 
the  Gazette  des  Tribunaux : — 

"  He  had  taken  30,000,  and  had  only  performed  0,639.  He  put  for  one  priest  who 
said  fiO,  360  ;  for  another  who  said  35,  335,  and  so  on.  He  was  condemned  to  three 
years'  imprisonment,  500  f.  fine,  and  five  years'  suspension." 

The  Rev.  Pere  Vidal  appears  to  have  practised  an  operation  in 
arithmetic  precisely  the  converse  of  that  which  his  evangelical  studies 


may  possibly  have  informed  him,  was  perpetrated  by  a  certain  Unjust 
Steward. 

On  a  review  of  the  facts  above  stated,  it  will  be  obvious  that  the 
Mass  market  in  Paris  is  in  a  state  of  depression.  The  tendency  of 
Masses  is  decidedly  downward.  It  is  not  enough  to  say  that  Masses 
are  flat,  however  applicable  that  epithet  may  be  to  their  purchasers. 
One  franc  per  Mass  is  a  very  low  quotation ;  and  by  the  foregoing 
account  we  see  that  Masses  are  done  by  the  substitute  priests  at  less 
than  that. 

When  we  consider  what  the  Massmongers  profess  to  sell,  we  cannot 
but  admire  the  moderation  of  their  prices,  which  we  should  have 
expected  to  be  just  thirty  times  as  high. 

In  our  point  of  view,  of  course,  Masses  are  dear  at  a  franc,  and 
would  be  dear  at  a  farthing.  We,  here  in  England,  consider  that  to  be 
capable  of  exchanging  even  the  smallest  sum  for  such  articles^  anybody 
must  have  more  money  than  brains.  Inconsequence  of  the  foregoing 
disclosures,  Masses  must  become  quite  a  drug  in  the  Parisian  market — 
a  drug  whose  only  buyers  will  be  the  poorer  class  of  simpletons,  who 
constitute  the  bulk  of  customers  for  all  quack  medicines. 


A  Short  Memory. 


" 'And  as  for  England,'  said  M.  Cremieux,  pleading  for  his  brother- Israelite,  M. 
Mires,  'who  can  count  upon  her?'" — Daily  Telegraph. 

Says  Hebrew  Cremieux, 

"  I  should  like  to  know  who 
Can  count  upon  England  ?  "  and  Punch  answers—"  You ! 

When  L.  N.,  in  a  pout, 

Kicked  Republicans  out, 
You  could  count — and  discount — upon  Angle -land,  Jew." 


SOMETHING   FOR  A  RAINY   DAY. 


The  New  Post  Office  Savings  Banks  Act  is  to  come  into  operation 
on  the  16th  of  September.  We  do  not  know,  however,  whether  we  are 
justified  in  calling  it  an  Act ;  for  to  our  fancy  it  partakes  much  more  of 
the  nature  of  a  saving  clause. 


VOL.  3X1. 


94 


PUNCH, 


f  5 1  j- j  ] 


'Oi 


CHART  VAIll 


[September  7,  1861. 


SARTYRDOM    SUPER    MARE. 

T  the  easternmost  extremity  of 
England,  dear  Punch,  there 
is  a  pleasant  little  wateiing- 
place,  which  I  shall  christen 
Sandbath.  The  townis  reach- 
able (in  time)  by  the  Eastern 
Counties  Railway,  whose  '  ex- 
press '  trains  only  stop  five 
times  in  forty  miles,  and  are 
rarely  more  than  half-an-hour 
late  in  their  arrival.  Well,  to 
Sandbath  I  have  come,  by  the 
advice  of  my  physician,  to 
recruit  after  a  season  of  un- 
usual severity  in  the  way  of 
'  drums '  and  dejeuners,  City 
feeds  and  flower-shows,  pic- 
nics and  public  meetings,  and 
evenings  with  Gorillas.  In 
most,  respects,  I  own,  no  spot 
could  suit  my  purpose  better. 
The  air  is  of  a  highly  appetis- 
ing quality.  I  breakfast  daily 
on  fried  fish,  hot  rolls,  and 
eggs  and  bacon,  with  perhaps 
a  slice  of  beefsteak  pie  by  way 
of  finish ;  I  've  a  hearty  lunch 
of  bread  and  cheese  and 
bottled  stout  at  noon;  and 
what  I  eat  for  dinner  is  too  monstrous  to  be  mentioned.  In  addition  to  these  dainties,  I 
enjoy  the  further  luxury  of  dressing  as  I  please,  and  can  lounge  about  all  day  in  a  wide- 
awake and  slippers.  My  wife  and  daughters  too  are  rrot  required  to  change  their  clothes 
eleven  times  a  day,  as  I  believe  is  de  rigueur  at  some  more  fashionable  bathing-places. 
Moreover,  Sandbath  is  at  present  quite  innocent  of  Cockneys,  and  one  cau  stroll  out  without 
having  to  exchange  bows  with  one's  greengrocer,  or  getting  filthy  penny  '  Pickwicks '  puffed 
into  one's  face  by  boys  in  porkpic  hats. 

"  The  place,  however,  has  its  drawbacks,  other  than  the  loss  of  time  and  temper  in  arriving 
at  it.  Eor  instance,  why  am  I  not  suffered  to  sleep  after  six  a.m.,  nor  take  my  after-dinner- 
snooze  without  disturbance  ?  So  surely  as  I  settle  in  my  easy  chair,  so  surely  a  cornopean 
strikes  up  opposite  my  window,  or  a  band  of  strolling  glee-singers  carol  forth  ( Hail  smiling 
Morn!'  as  being  a  most  fitting  melody  for  night-fall.    This  is  bad  enough,  but  to  be  woke 


at  six  o'clock  when  one  with  ease  could  sleep 
till  nine,  makes  one  feel  still  more  vindictive 
to  one's  species.  For  don't  think  that  insectal 
carnivora  disturb  one.  So  far  as  I  can  learn 
there's  not  a  B  flat  in  the  place,  and  I  believe  if 
one  were  'viewed'  the  inhabitants  would  rise 
en  masse  to  compass  its  destruction.  No,  what 
wakes  me  every  morning  at  the  hour  I  have 
named,  is  the  shouting  of  '  Eresh  so-oles  ! '  and 
'  Here's  yar  fine  blo-o-oaters  ! '  by  gangs  of  Sten- 
tors,  men  and  boys,  who  keep  parading  by  my 
windows  without  ceasing  until  breakfast.  Now, 
what  advantage  there  can  be  in  this  truly 
'crying'  nuisance  I  confess  that  it  quite  passes 
my  conception  to  perceive.  Surely  everybody 
knows  that  if  one  wants  fresh  fish  at  the  sea- 
side, the  only  way  to  get  it  is  to  send  to  London 
for  it.  And  is  it  likely  any  visitor  would  buy  of 
any  salesman  who  put  him  daily  to  the  torture  I 
faintly  have  described?  In  the  autumn  a 
fagged  Londoner  wrants  all  the  rest  that  he 
can  get,  and  if  the  natives  of  a  watering-place 
would  find  their  fortunes  prosper,  they  would 
do  wisely  to  secure  their  guests  against  annoy- 
ance by  keeping  up  in  bathing-time  a  band  of 
stalwart  beadles,  who  should  drive  all  bloater- 
bcllowers  and  street-squeakers  from  the  town. 

"  I  remain,  Punch,  yours  .in  agony  (for  there 's 
another  organ  playing), 

"  One  who'has  unfortunately, 

"  A  Musical  Eat?.." 


Letter  Perfect. 

It  has  always  been  mentioned  in  favour  of 
America,  that  she  speaks  the  same  noble  lan- 
guage that  we  do — though,  of  course,  with  a 
slight  nasal  difference.  There  is  certainly  part 
of  our  alphabet  that  she  is  getting  vulgarly 
intimate  with — and  that  is,  looking  at  her  enor- 
mous loans  at  7  per  cent,  the  three  letters, 
though  she  has  often  repudiated  them  : — I.  0.  U. 


BOMBINA  THE  BOLD. 

According  to  the  Turin  Correspondent  of  the  Times,  the  ex-Queen 
or  Naples  is  astonishing  the  natives  and  other  inhabitants  of  the 
Eternal  City  by  frequently  going  about  Rome  in  nran's  attire.  He 
says  that — 

"  With  her  lord's  privileged  nether  garments,  she  affects  also  manly  swagger  and 
bluster.  She  'smokes  like  a  sailor  and  swears  like  a  trooper,'  as  if  that  looked 
pretty  or  sounded  graceful." 

Among  the  comic  songs  of  the  last 
commenced  as  follows  :— 


feneration,  there  was  one  which 


"  Mr.  Simpkins  lived  at  Leeds, 
Aud  he  had  a  wife  beside, 
Who,  as  she  wore  the  breeches, 
Would  often  wish  to  ride." 

Probably  the  fair  Sophia,  who  is  the  better  half,  not  of  another  Loud 
Bateman,  but,  of  the  second  Francis,  would  also,  as  she  swears  like  a 
trooper,  so  "  often  wish  to  ride,"  namely,  in  the  same  military  manner 
as  that  practised  by  dragoons.  Francis,  late  of  Naples,  is  to  be  con 
gratulated  on  the  similarity  between  his  matrimonial  relations,  and 
those  of  the  respectable  Simpkins,  formerly  of  Leeds.  Would  he  were 
so  honest  a  man  ! 

The  ex-royal  Sophia,  by  the  same  account,  has  a  will  of  her  own, 
which  manifests  itself  by  the  undermentioned  indications  : — 

"  High  words  and  angry  sarcasms  are  heard  from  the  Quirinal's  windows.  Plates 
are  shied  at  Royal  heads,  and  fly  into  the  streets  to  the  great  scandal  of  the  Swiss 
guard  at  the  Palace  gates." 

Should  Louis  Napoleon  allow  Rome  to  join  the  Italian  union,  and 
certain  refugees  take  shelter  in  the  safest  place  for  them,  heads  of  pas- 
sengers will  probably  be  cut  open  by  plates  descending  from  a  window 
of  one  of  the  hotels  in  Leicester  Square.  Ultimately,  perhaps,  Sir 
Cpesswell  will  be  invoked  to  pronounce  a  judicial  separation  between 
a  pair  of  illustrious  exiles.  Their  companion  in  banishment,  the  Pope, 
would  sanction  a  divorce  which  would  not  liberate  the  parties  a  vinculo. 
His  Holiness  would  see  the  necessity  of  a  divorce  a  mensci,  in  a  case 
wherein  the  lady  throws  plates  at  table,  and  perhaps  bottles. 

It  appears,  however,  that  anybody  who  might  be  so  rash  or  so 


unfortunate  as  to  upset  Sophia,  would  stand  a  good  chance  of  having 
something  more  dangerous  than  even  a  bottle  let  fly  at  his  head.  In 
continuation  of  the  above  extract  we  are  told  that : — 

"The  Queen,  though  robbed  of  her  sceptre,  disdains  to  handle  the  distaff;  she 
carries  her  dread  revolver  at  her  side  ;  she  delighrs  in  the  exhibition  of  her  skill ; 
she  aimed  at  a  cat,  the  other  day,  in  the  Quiriual  Garden — a  fine  Syrian  cat,  gray, 
long  tailed,  and  hairy — who  was  ba^kiog  in  the  nmrning  sua  (the  Queen  is  up  at  5) 
on  the  wall  hanging  over  the  grottoed  fountains  and  water-works,  which  are  one  of 
the  seven  wouders  of  the  city  of  the  Seven  Hdls.  Purring,  and  stretching,  and 
gambolling,  did  the  unwary  tabby  luxuriate  in  the  sense  of  blessed  existence,  when 
the  Queen  took  aim  and  fired,  aud  the  poor  thing  leaped  up  in  the  air,  hit  through 
her  head,  and  dropped  down  like  lead  into  a  basin  of  water  beneath." 

The  cat  which  Sophia  is  said  to  have  shot  is  alleged  to  have  be- 
longed to  a  Signora  Bertazzoli,  Cardinal  Antonelli's_  sister; 
and  consequently  or  at  least  subsequently  to  the  act  of  felicide  of 
which  her  ex-Majesty  is  accused,  she  has,  we  are  informed,  been  almost 
cut  by  the  Roman  ladies.  Let  us  hope  that  the  accusation  is  untrue. 
Sophia  may  perhaps  be  masculine  in  her  tastes,  and  also  hi  her  habits, 
even  as  much  so  as  Mrs.  Simpkins  of  Leeds  was.  One  of  her  photo- 
graphs represents  her  as  bearing,  in  the  face,  a  very  strong  likeness  to 
the  late  Lola  Montes.  We  should  not  be  much  astonished  to  find 
that  she  really  does  dress  bke  Mrs.  Simpkins,  smoke,  and  swear,  and 
swagger,  and  throw  plates.  But  we  trust  she  did  not  shoot  the  cat. 
"  Hawks,"  says  the  Scotch  proverb,  "  winna  pick  out  hawks'  een." 
There  is  apparently  too  much  of  the  cat  in  the  composition  of  the 
heroine  of  Gaeta  to  make  it  likely  that  she  would  have  deliberately 
slain  such  a  fellow-creature.  A  female  nature,  capable,  of  so  savage  a 
deed,  would  be  one  which  would  be  properly  described  as  canine. 


What  the  Tories  Say. 

Lord  Pam  has  all  our  confidence, 
His  Subs  have  less  than  half; 

In  fact,  we  like  the  Constable, 
But  don't  admire  his  Staff. 


The  only  Thing  the  Americans  have  Gained  as  yet  by  their 
Civil  War. — The  Income-Tax !  and  we  wish  them  joy  of  it ! 


September  7,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


95 


INFSRMARSES    FOR    DRUNKARDS. 

F  there  is  a  mistake  in 
the  word  Dipsomania, 
the  error  is  confined  to 
its  two  first  syllables. 
There  is  no  mistake  about 
the  mania.  Tipsy  mania 
is  a  fact  deplorably  com- 
mon. An  unfortunate 
maniac  of  the  tipsy  class 
the  other  day  jumped  out 
of  window.  An  inquest 
was  held  upon  his  re- 
maining fragments.  The 
concluding  part  of  the 
report  of  that  inquiry 
may  be  quoted  as  a  warn- 
ing to  the  Legislature : — 

"  Deceased  had  never  ex- 
pressed his  intention  of  com- 
mitting s  H-destruction,  but 
the  family  kept  a  constant 
watch  over  him,  owing-  to 
his  being  addicted  to  intem- 
perance. A  gentleman  re- 
lative expressed  his  regret,  and  also  that  of  the  other  lelitives,  that,  notwith- 
standing their  endeavours  to  obtnin  restraint  by  means  of  a  lunatic  asylum  tor  the 
unfortunate  deceased,  and  thus  to  preserve  his  life,  they  were  unable  so  to  do  in 
consequence  of  being  unable  to  produce  a  medical  certificate.  Tbe  deputy-coroner 
said  it  was  to  be  regretted  that  there  were  no  means  in  this  country  othei-wise 
than  by  a  medical  certificate  for  placing  persons  suffering  from  the  effects  of  ex- 
cessive intemperance  under  restraint.  He  believed  that  if  ready  appliance  and 
consent  were  given  in  many  cases  of  delirium  tremens,  life  would  be  saved.  The 
jury  concurred  in  the  remarks  of  the  coroner,  and  without  further  comment 
returned  a  verdict  of  '  Suicide  under  temporal y  insanity.'  " 

Delirium  tremens  is  a  privileged  delirium,  and  a  precious  privdege  it 
has  :  the  privdege  of  exemption  from  the  possibility  of  being  put  under 
restraint.  The  consequence  is  often,  as  above  recorded,  "  Suicide 
under  temporary  insanity."  Humanity  must  admit  that  the  suicide  of 
a  sot,  even,  ought,  if  possible,  to  be  prevented ;  and,  besides,  a  sot 
transported  with  delirium  tremens,  and  being  at  large  in  that  condition, 
may  destroy  other  people's  lives  as  wed  as  his  own.  Some  tipsy 
maniac,  one  of  these  days,  wdl  throw  himself  from  a  second-floor  front, 
and  tumble  on  a  passing  Member  of  Parliament's  head ;  perhaps  a  head 
entitled  to  be  surmounted  with  a  coronet  or  a  mitre.  Then  at  length 
will  perhaps  be  added  to  the  Statute  Book  an  Act  for  the  safe  Custody 
and  Care  of  Persons  affected  with  Delirium  Tremens.  If  any  Noble 
Lord  of  Hon.  Gentleman  wdl  charge  himself  with  the  introduction  of  a 
measure  for  this  purpose,  let  him  insert  in  it  a  clause  for  the  establish- 
ment of  Sots'  Hospitals,  under  the  more  polite  denomination,  if  neces- 
sary, of  Asylums  tor  the  Insanely  Iutemperate,  to  which  institutions 
every  Magistrate  shall  be  empowered  to  consign  anybody  who  may  be 
brought  before  1dm  in  a  state  of  delirium  tremens. 


PUNISH  THE  PUBLIC. 

There  would  be  no  Thieves,  says  a  dubious  proverb,  if  there  were 
no  Receivers.  Be  this  as  it  may,  there  is  no  doubt  that  there  would  be 
fewer  thieves  if  there  were  fewer  Tempters.  It  occurs  to  Mr.  Punch, 
who  is— even  at  this  season  of  idleness — busdy  watching  the  World, 
and  generally  keeping  it  in  order  that  a  great  many  of  the  robberies 
by  Postmen  might  be  _  prevented,  if  we  began  at  the  other  end,  and 
placed  less  temptation  in  the  way  of  those  who  ought  to  deliver  our 
letters  safely. 

Walking  through  Paris,  the  other  day,  Mr.  Punch  paused  before  a 
Letter  Box,  and  read  something  to  the  following  effect.  He  does  not 
pledge  himself  to  the  verbal  fidelity  of  his  report,  as  he  did  not  copy 
the  inscription,  for  two  reasons ;  first,  because  he  had  no  pencil,  and 
secondly,  because  it  was  much  too  hot  to  be  standing  in  the  sun  for  the 
good  of  anybody.  But  in  his  exquisite  memory  was  instantaneously 
photographed  the  purport  of  an  Imperial  and  Imperious  notice  on  the 
part  of  the  French  Post  Office,  and  the  purport  of  such  notice  was 
this: — 

"  AVIS. 

"  Any  person  who  shall  put  into  a  letter  any  article  of  vnlue,  as  jewellery  or  the  like, 
or  any  cheque,  nite  bill,  d.imdend  warrant,  coupon,  bank  note,  or  piece  of  money,  is  liable 
to  a  Penalty  varying  from  Five  to  Five  Hundred  Francs." 

What  do  you  say  to  that,  Sra  Rowland  ?  Why  not  ask  your  noble 
friend  and  chief,  the  P.  M.  General,  to  get  yon  an  Act  of  Parliament 
authorising  you  to  issue  such  a  notification  as  this  ?  Let  the  Public  be 
warned,  instead  of  the  Postman.  Punish  the  Public,  and  not  the 
miserable  prig.  Let  it  be  understood  that  the  only  security  for  valu- 
able property  should  be  in  registration,  and  that  instead  of  inviting 
complaints  that  money  and  other  articles  wantonly  exposed  had  been 
lost,  the  loser  should  be   "invited"   to  pay  a  heavy  fine  for  such 


exposure.  Treat  him  as  the  Police  Magistrate  sometimes  (but  not  half 
often  enough)  treats  the  tradesman  who  hangs  out  his  wares  in  the 
street.  We  shall  have  fewer  Post  Office  prosecutions,  when  the  party 
to  be  placed  in  the  dock  is  the  Tempter.  Think  over  it,  Sir  Rowland  ! 


THE  M.P.'s  SEPTEMBER  SONG. 

Air— "I'm  Afloat." 

We  are  up  !    I  'm  a-drift !    What  matters  it  where  ? 
So  I  'm  free  from  long  speeches,  late  hours,  and  bad  air  ? 
I  have  pulled  through  the  Session,  a  model  M.P., 
Till  they  voted  supply  to  its  last  £  8.  D. 
I  've  sat  on  when  all  rational  men  had  left  town, 
Till  the  pavements  were  up,  and  the  window-blinds  down ; 
I  have  seen  aU  the  bores  on  their  hobbies  astride  ; 
Irish  Members,  for  once,  in  one  lobby  divide ; 
I  've  heard  Pam  upon  Arts  ;  I've  heard  Osborne  on  Arms 
And  PlOEBUCK  expatiate  on  Austria's  charms  : 
But  even  such  wonders  have  palled  upon  me, 
And  I  'm  thankful  to  feel  I  am  free,  I  am  free. 
Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  &c. 

I  have  watched  the  cool  Whips,  moving  slyly  about, 
To  make  it  aU  snug  for  a  cozy  Count  Out, 
When  some  proser  of  fifty -bore-power  got  his  night, 
And  rose  strong  in  papers,  hi  wind,  and  in  fight. 
I  have  seen  the  obedient  retreat  of  the  pack 
From  the  benches  before  him,  and  those  at  his  back, 
Till  the  limit  was  reached,  and  the  fatal  demand 
For  a  "count,"  freed  the  House — a  glad  holiday  band  ! 
But  that  joy  was  still  chequered  ;  we  knew  that  the  chain 
We  flung  off  the  next  morning  would  rivet  agaiu, 
But  now  every  morn  as  it  riseth  for  me, 
But  confirms  the  glad  news  that  I  'm  free — I  am  free ! 
Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  &c. 

Long  vacations  may  brighten  the  lawyer's  dim  eyes  ; 
Cockney  shopmen  their  sniff  of  the  briny  may  prize ; 
Old  Paterfamilias  may  rub  off  his  cares 
In  the  pleasures  of  Margate,  the  calm  of  Broadstairs  ; 
The  stout  Alpine  Club-man,  more  lives  than  a  cat 
May  risk  on  the  ice  of  Mont  Blanc  or  Zermatt ; 
The  Yachtsman  may  boast  of  his  craft,  and  Ids  pride 
In  cruisings  on  Solent,  and  landings  at  Ryde ; 
But  of  ad  to  whom  August  brings  liberty  back, 
There's  none  like  the  overwork'd  Parliament  hack. 
None  can  relish  a  roll  out  of  harness  like  me 
When,  the  Session  once  up,  I  am  tree,  I  am  free  ! 
Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  &c. 


SPORT  FOR  DISTINGUISHED  FOREIGNER^. 

The  attention  of  foreign  noblemen  visiting  this  country,  and  fond  of 
the  chace,  is  directed  to  the  subjoined  announcement,  dated  from  the 
Moors : — 

"Greenock. — Notwithstanding  the  bad  weather  and  the  wildness  of  the  birds, 
tbn  grouse-shooting  in  this  neigbbourhood  has  been  much  better  than  was  expected. 
They  are  not  yet  packed,  and  some  of  the  young  birds  sit  well  and  afford  excellent 
sport." 

There,  M.  le  Baron,  and  M.  le  Comte— there  is  a  chance  for  you ! 
Some  of  the  young  birds  sit  wed,  and,  therefore,  they  afford  excedent 
sport.  Of  course  they  do  ;  that  is  a  logical  consequence,  Monsieur,  if 
you  are  a  good  shot,'  and,  whilst  they  sit  so  well,  tire  at  them  with 
such  precision  that  they  never  get  up  and  fly  away. 


Utilising  a  Nuisance. 

Mount  Vesuvius  is  showing  signs  of  an  eruption.  In  eruptive 
cases,  we  believe,  the  doctors  "throw  in,"  as  they  say,  a  black  dose. 
Cialdini  should  try  a  large  "  exhibition  "  of  Neapolitan  priests.  Even 
if  they  did  the  mountain  no  good,  the  country  would  be  all  the 
better  for  the  injection.  We  would  give  a  trifle  to  hear  their  De 
Profundis. 

Unfeline  Conduct. 

A  Painful  rumour  got  into  circulation  the  other  day  at  Naples,  to 
the  effect  that  the  ex-Queen  had  committed  suicide.  The  impression 
was,  however,  dispelled,  and  also  accounted  for,  by  the  more  accurate 
statement  (given  by  one  of  our  contemporaries)  that  her  spirited 
Majesty  had  shot  a  cat  that  was  a  favourite  witli  some  priests. 


96 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[September  7,  1861. 


AFTER    SUPPER-STRANGE    ADMISSION  ! 

Mr.  S.  "  May  I  have  the  Pleasure  of  Waltzing  with  you,  Miss  Jones  ? " 

Miss  J.    "I    WOULD    WITH    PLEASURE,   BUT    UNFORTUNATELY  I'M   QUITE   FULL  !  " 


A  GROSS  CASE  OP  DOG-STEALING. 

"  Mr.  Punch,  "  Bond  Street,  Sept.  1861. 

"Notwithstanding;  the  expense  aud  pains  which  I  have 
been  at  to  procure  for  the  masters  of  dogs  protection  from  the  hands 
of  those  vagabonds  who  are  constantly  lurking  about  with  the  intent  to 
inveigle  or  snatch  away  from  us  our  faithful  four-footed  servants,  all 
England— and  I  may  say  Europe— has  just  witnessed  as  gross  a  case  of 
Dog-stealing,  I  will  undertake  to  say,  as  ever  was  heard  of. 

"That  well-known  gentleman,  Mr.  John  Bull,  was  once  blessed 
with  an  equally  well-known  Dog,  of  the  rough  Terrier  species— a  Dog 
invaluable  of  his  kind,  for  giving  the  alarm  whenever  there  was  any- 
thing wrong  in  the  house,  and  barking  furiously  at  all  suspicious 
strangers. 

"This  Dog  has  now  belonged  to  Mr.  Bull  for  many  years,  and  his 
fidelity  was  unquestioned  until  lately,  when  he  was  seen  fawning  in  an 
extraordinary  manner  upon  an  ill-looking  foreigner  named  Francis- 
Joseph  Kaiser  who  belongs  to  the  Spread  Eagle.  Some  say  that  this 
fellow  contrived  to  deceive  the  animal  by  putting  on  a  pair  of  top- 
boots  resembling  Mr.  Bull's,  which  the  old  Dog,  whose  nose  is  not  so 
good  as  it  used  to  be,  began  forthwith  to  lick,  not  knowing  the  difference. 

"  I  believe;  however,  the  truth  to  be  that  the  Dog  had  been  coaxed 
over  by  the_  fascinations  of  some  member  of  the  Swell  Mob,  with  whom 
the  fellow  is  associated,  who  has  patted  him  on  the  head,  and  taken 
him  up  at  table,  which  he  had  an  opportunity  of  doing  a  little  while 
ago,  when  the  dog  is  known  to  have  visited  the  Spread  Eagle. 

"I  have  positive  information  that  the  fellow  in  question  was  seen  the 
other  day  making  off  with  a  little  Dog,  whose  description  corresponds 
exactly  to  that  of  Mr.  Bull's  Terrier,  under  his  arm.  Should  any  of 
your  readers  catch  sight  of  this  party,  whom  they  cannot  mistake,  they 
are  requested  to  stop  him,  and  make  him  deliver  up  the  Dog  to  be 
restored  to  the  owner.  There  will  be  no  difficulty  in  identifying  the 
animal :  a  Sheffield  Terrier,  and  answers  to  the  name  of  Tearem. 

"  I  am,  &c, 

"  The  Bishop  of  Bond  Street." 


SPLENDID  NEWS  FROM  WASHINGTON. 

The  American  Correspondent  of  the  Standard  states,  we  know  not 
how  truly,  that  her  Majesty  Mrs.  Lincoln  is  doing  much  to  make  King 
Abraham  unpopular.  Tier  conduct  is  described  as  that  of  an  unedu- 
cated female  without  good  sense,  who  has  been  unluckUy  elevated  into 
a  sphere  for  which  she  cannot  fit  herself.  This  may  or  may  not  be, 
but  when  the  writer  in  question,  in  designing  to  clench  the  nail,  adds, 
"In  fact,  Mrs.  Lincoln  is  making  a  Judy  of  herself,"  we  beg  to 
scrunch  that  Correspondent  under  the  heel  of  our  thickest  cricketing 
shoe,  and  he  is  hereby  scrunched  accordingly.  Making  a  Judy  of  her- 
self, indeed !  What  nobler  aspiration,  what  more  beautiful  ambition 
could  fill  the  bosom  of  created  woman  ?  To  fit  herself  to  be  a  Bride 
for  Punch,  should  Azrael,  or  Sir  C.  C,  vary  existing  arrangements, 
or  should  Punch  think  favourably  of  Mormonism  !  The  Cqi  respondent 
of  the  Standard  has  unwittingly  bestowed  on  Mrs.  L.  the  highest  praise 
which  pen  can  set  down,  and  it'  it  be  true  that  a  lady  of  such  a  nature 
is  the  Queen-regnant  in  the  Union,  the  North  is  indeed  to  be  congratu- 
lated.   We  hope  to  hear  more  of  her  Judyising  proclivities. 


SOLDIERS  OF  THE  CROSS  KEYS. 

The  Popolo  dPtalia  thus  concludes  an  account  of  atrocities  perpe- 
trated by  the  Neapolitan  brigands  :— 

"At  Viesti  and  Vico  the  scenes  of  pillage  and  blood  defy  description.  The  popu- 
lace and  brigands,  not  satisfied  with  sacrificing  twelve  of  the  principal  families  of 
Viesti,  roasted  a  Liberal  alive  and  ate  him." 

Doing,  possibly,  some  little  injustice  to  a  brute  which,  in  spite  of  its 
teeth,  is  said  to  be  a  carnivorous  feeder,  the  King  of  Naples  and  his 
ally  the  Pope,  might  say  that  the  cannibals  now  engaged  in  a  crusade 
on  their  account  in  Southern  Italy,  are  carrying  on  a  Gorilla  warfare. 


"  A  Proof  before  Letters."— A  Postage-Stamp. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— September  7,   1861. 


GROSS  CASE  OF  DOG-STEALING  AT  SHEFFIELD. 


September  7,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OH  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


99 


THE    TWO    VOICES. 

{As  heard  by  Jones  of  the  Treasury  about  Vacation  Time.) 


A  still  small  voice  said  unto  me, 

"  Wilt  tliou  not  take  of  liberty 

The  six  weeks  that  they  give  to  thee  '?  " 

Then  to  the  still  small  voice  I  said, 

"  What  use  is  a  vacation,  fled. 

Ere  chin  can  with  a  beard  be  spread?  " 

To  which  the  voice  did  urge  reply, 
"  To-day  I  saw  young  Brown  go  by 
In  cab  with  luggage  piled  high. 

"Vacation-longings  rent  the  veil_ 
Of  his  old  husk  :  from  head  to  tail 
He  blazed  a  heather-tweeded  male. 

"  He  took  the  northern  night-mail  through, 
Shot  grouse,  stalked  deer,  drank  mountain- 
dew; 
Nor  thought  upon  the  kites  he  flew." 

I  said,  "  Of  fellows  about  town, 
Nature  moulds  some  as  with  a  frown ; 
She  smiled  when  she  created  Brown. 

"  She  gave  hfm  brass ;  to  shake  the  bones, 
Tool  four-in-hand  across  the  stones  ; 
'Tis  quite  another  tiling  with  Jones.'" 

Thereto  the  silent  voice  replied, 
"Humility  that  veileth  pride  ! 
Look  through  the  office  :  it  is  wide. 

"  Than  Brown— 'tis  truth  that  I  rehearse- 
In  Treasury,  as  in  Universe, 
Are  many  better,  many  worse." 

"  Will  waiting  make  thee  more  inclined 
To  stir?     Next   month  thou  mayst  not 

find 
Weather  so  suited  to  thy  mind." 

Then  did  my  answer  clearer  fall, 

"  One  English  month  of  sun  and  squall 

Is  like  another,  after  all." 

To  which  he  answered,  scoffingly, 

"  Good  Jones,  suppose  I  grant  it  thee, 

Who  '11  care  what  thy  six  weeks  may  be  ?  " 


I  would  have  said,  "  Thou  canst  not  know," 
But,  as  it  probably  was  so, 
I  let  the  observation  go. 

Again  the  voice  said  unto  me, 

"  Thou  art  as  bored  as  bored  can  be  ; 

'Twere  best  to  cut  the  Treasury. 

"  Thy  salary  scarce  thyself  can  keep  : 
Up  by  ten  pounds  a  year  to  creep ! 
E'en  now  hi  debt  thou  art  chin-deep  !  " 

I  said,  "  I  may  have  an  advance  ; 
If  I  resign,  I  lose  the  chance, 
And  for  another  berth  may  dance. 

"  A  Private  Secretary's  place 

I  may  pick  up."     But  he,  "  To  grace 

Thy  name  of  Jones  ?    A  likely  case ! " 

"  I  should  be  glad  to  go,"  said  I, 
"But  how  to  raise  the  wind,  whereby 
My  wings  shall  gain  the  force  to  fly  ?  " 

"  Think  not  of  that,"  the  voice  replied, 
"  Thy  fellow-clerks,  on  every  side, 
Still  for  each  other's  bills  provide. 

"  xicceptances  they  've  asked  of  thee  ; 
Now,  in  thy  turn,  essay  and  see 
If  they  acceptors  will  not  be." 

I  said,  "  Of  paper  I  am  sick  ; 

The  three  months  will  come  round  so  quick  ; 

No  ;  rather  strive  to  stretch  my  tick. 

"  But  where  is  there  that  I  can  go  ? 
Each  English  watering-place  I  know ; 
Many  are  snobbish — -all  are  slow." 

"  Baden,"  the  voice  replied,  "  is  near. 
Roulette  thy  leisure  hours  might  cheer 
And  thy  expenses  help  to  clear." 

"  Or  it  might  clean  me  out,"  I  said, 
"  Down  to  that  last  rouleau  of  lead, 
Clapped  in  a  pistol  to  the  head." 

"  The  Bernese  Oberlaud  sublime," 
The  voice  replied,  "  that  is  the  clime 
Where  now  'tis  fashionable  to  climb." 


I  said,  "  I  know  the  fact,  but  Jones 
Has  some  compassion  on  his  bones  ; 
His  motto 's,  '  Easy  o'er  the  stones.' 

"  Besides — not  counting  risks  to  skin, 
Hotel  bills  long,  and  commons  thin, 
I  can  not  stir — I  've  not  the  tin  !  " 

I  ceased,  and  sat  as  one  forlorn, 
Benumbed  by  that  sharp  voice  of  acorn 
When  sudden  on  the  air  was  borne 

A  second  voice,  that  at  mine  ear 
Soft  whispered,  "  Be  of  better  cheer ; 
Enjoy  the  leave,  and  have  no  fear." 

Like  Patti's  voice,  whene'er  she  takes 
One's  spirit,  in  a  brace  of  shakes, 
And  even  Brown  to  "  Bravi  /"  wakes, 

Such  seemed  the  whisper  at  my  side._ 

"  What  is't  thou  knowest,  sweet  voice  ?  " 

I  cried : 
"A  hidden  hope,"  the  voice  replied. 

"  There 's  your  old  Uncle— he  that  made 
His  fortune  in  the  India,  trade — 
May  hop  the  twig — or  that  old  maid, 

"  Your  Aunt  Grimguffin,  may  go  hence ; 
Long  she  has  kept  you  in  suspense, 
But  you  're  her  heir,  if  words  have  sense. 

"  Or  there 's  that  nice  girl,  with  a  clear 
Two  thousand  Three  per  Cents,  a-year, 
Now  looking  for  a  husband  Iiere." 

Then  forth  into  Whitehall  I  went. 
And  with  the  West-ward  tide  I  blent, 
And  wondered  at  my  discontent ! 

I  wondered  while  I  paced  along, 

The  very  snobs  that  swelled  the  throng 

Seemed  happy  as  the  day  was  long. 

I  wondered  why  I  had  made  choice 
To  commune  with  the  gloomy  voice, 
Rather  than  that  which  said,  "  Rejoice !  " 


THE  LADY  AND  THE  VOLUNTEERS. 

"Dear  Sir,  "Islington. 

"I  hear  that  a  large  shopkeeper  in  the  City  has  ordered  his 
young  men  either  to  get  out  of  his  shop,  or  to  give  up  their  Volunteer- 
ing. Quite  right,  too,  Mr.  Punch,  and  I  say,  as  a  lady,  that  I  praise 
him  for  his  spirit  and  his  good  sense.  I  am  heartily  glad  of  it.  Since 
the  young  men  in  the  shops  have  taken  to  Volunteering,  I  have  observed 
a  marked  change  in  their  manners,  and  that  change  for  the  worse. 
They  serve  you,  certainly,  and  I  do  not  know  that  I  can  exactly  recol- 
lect any  downright  want  of  respect  to  me  (I  should  soon  have  walked 
out  of  any  shop  if  I  had  seen  that),  but  I  have  noticed  that  when  they 
have  produced  everything  that  I  have  asked  for,  and  mentioned  its 
price,  and  all  about  it,  they  seem  to  think  that  no  more  is  required 
from  them.  One  may  take  it,  or  leave  it.  There  is  much  less  eager- 
ness to  please,  much  less  attempt  to  guide  your  judgment  and  persuade 
you  that  it  is  the  very  thing  you  want,  much  less  of  what — I  call  it  proper 
attention,  but  what  my  husband  (who  is  prejudiced)  calls  fawning  and 
servility,  but  which,  if  one  is  a  lady  and  has  money  in  one's  pocket,  one 
has  a  right  to  expect  from  the  lower  orders.  _  Shopping  is  not  shopping, 
if  it  is  merely  asking  for  what  you  want,  buying  it,  and  going  away,  and 
we  like  to  be  canvassed  for  our  favours,  as  you  do  for  your  votes.  I 
do  not  approve  of  stuck-up  young  men,  and  I  hope  that  you  will  stand 
by  this  person,  who  has  set  a  proper  example.  One  of  these  days  we 
shall  have  the  young  men  declining  to  sell  ribbons  and  flannels,  and 
declaring  that  it  is  work  for  girls.  I  should  like  to  see  myself  in  a 
shop  with  pert  minxes  waiting  on  me.  Please  to  support  this  shop- 
keeper, Mr.  Punch,  and  believe  me, 

"Yours  sincerely,  Honoria  Dawdleton." 

"P.S.  I  suppose  the  Early  Closing  and  the  Volunteer  business  go 
together.    I  choose  to  shop  in  the  evening,  when  it  is  cool  and  pleasant, 


and  when  I  have  my  husband  (and  his  purse)  with  me.  Besides,  how 
can  you  buy  colours,  for  evening  wear,  by  daylight  ?  It  is  preposterous. 
And  how  are  poor  servant-girls  to  manage  ?  Ask  any  servant-girl  if  her 
sentiments  are  not  the  same  as  mine.  And  yet  you  call  yourself  a  friend 
of  the  people ! " 

THE  EGG  AND  THE  YOKE. 

(COMMUNIQUE.) 

"  The  Emperor  of  the  French,  on  the  representation  of  an  agricultural  com- 
mission, will  shortly  sanction  an  edict  prohibiting  the  destruction  of  Small  Birds  or 
their  eggs." — French  Paper.  <, 

"  The  Eagle  suffers  Little  Birds  to  sing, 

Nor  is  not  careful  what  they  mean  thereby, 
Knowing  that  with  the  shadow  of  his  wing 

He  could  at  once  abridge  their  minstrelsy." 
Divinest  Williams  !  in  fine  frenzy's  hour 

Did' st  see  an  Eagle  (through  prophetic  lens) 
Protect  the  feathered  warblers,  but  devour 

The  Little  Birds  who  make  of  feathers— pens  ? 

A  French  Journalist. 


Regular  Brigands. 

Another  Fra  Diaoolo,  we  are  informed  by  accounts  from  Naples, 
has  turned  actual  friar,  and  founded  a  new  Order  of  Monks  in  the 
interest  of  Rome,  under  the  name  of  the  Anthropophagites.  The  con- 
vent fare  consists  chiefly  of  roast  Liberal ;  the  Liberal  generally  having 
been  roasted  alive.  The  brothers  are  allowed  to  indulge  in  tliis  luxury 
every  day  of  the  week  but  Friday ;  when  of  course  they  are  forbidden 
to  eat  animal  food* 


100 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[September  7,  1861. 


"  To  destroy  Moths,  well  pepper  the  edges  of  the  carpets,"  &c,  &c. 

Maria  has  adopted  (lie  above  receipt. — This  represents  the  arrival  of  her 
Augustus,  ami  affectionate  meeting. 


ME.  JOHN  BULL  TO  THE  UNITED  STATES. 

ON  BEING  INVITED  TO  CONTRIBUTE  TO  THE  AMERICAN  LOAN. 

Did  you  ever  imagine  me  lending  you  money  ? 
Well,  of  all  Yankee  notions  that 's  far  the  most  funny ; 
Lend  you  money ! — for.  what  when  the  loan  you  have  gotten  ? 
Why  to  throw  it  away  in  withholding  my  cotton ! 

Fortune  favours  the  brave,  and  your  courage  I  own, 
Notwithstanding  Bull's  Run  :  but  rare  fortune  alone 
Can  afford  you  success  in  this  maddest  of  wars. 
You  've  no  visible  chance  to  regain  your  lost  stars. 

You  '11  spend  all  you  borrow  in  powder  and  ball, 
And  then  have  to  show  for  it— nothing  at  all. 
What  dividends,  pray,  are  you  like  to  declare 
On  the  debt  you  '11  have  sunk  and  blown  into  the  air  ? 

Why,  you  know  that  you  'd  not  stand  the  slightest  taxation 
That  you  could  get  rid  of  by  Repudiation, 
Though  of  value  received  in  the  fullest  fruition, 
Not  paying  for  that  which  has  gone  to  perdition. 

The  cost  of  your  war  you  expect  to  defray 

By  an  Income-Tax,  do  you,  and  that  who  will  pay  ? 

So  keen  and  so  smart  in  all  matters  of  pelf, 

To  think  of  a  Yankee  assessing  himself ! 

I  know  I  am  rather  a  sordid  old  screw, 
Lending  money  I  care  not  what  for  or  Avliom  to, 
So  the  party  is  solvent,  but  that  is,  with  John, 
A  point  indispensable— sine  qua  non. 

But,  hang  it,  though  cash  I  may  lend  to  the  deuce, 
If  secure  of  investment,  regardless  of  use, 
When  the  object  is  evil,  and  hopeless  the  gain, 
I  should  be,  if  I  so  misemployed  it,  insane. 

Last  of  all,  to  abuse  me,  malign,  and  decry, 

And  threaten  to  whip  and  to  rob  by-and-by, 

Is  not  quite  the  right  way,  not  the'language  and  tone, 

To  get  out  of  me  an  American  Loan. 


GEMS    FROM    THE    EMERALD    ISLE. 

We  wonder,  is  Her,  Majesty  a  reader  of  the  newspapers  ?  If  she 
be,  how  mightily  she  _  must  have  been  amused  by  the  accounts  which 
have  appeared  of  her  visit  to  Killarney,  and  of  other  of  her  doings  in 
the  Emerald  Isle.  _  The  Special  Correspondents  who  have  followed  her 
about  have,  we  think,  been  more  than  usually  profuse  in  then-  descrip- 
tions, and  have  furnished  such  minute  details  of  her  demeanour  that 
one  wonders  how  on  earth  they  could  have  been  obtained.  After  nar- 
rating how  the  Town  Commissioners  of  Mallow  went  through  the  usual 
bore-ish  custom  of  "  presenting  a  loyal  address  of  welcome,"  one  of 
the  writers  in  describing  the  reception  at  Killarney,  says  :— 

"  The  Queen  seemed  greatly  impressed,  and  highly  pleased  with  the  enthusiasm 
of  the  people.  When  the  cortege  got  down  amongst  them  she  bowed  repeatedly,  to 
the  right  and  left,  to  them  with  a  marked  and  gracious  manner,  and  frequently 
smiled,  with  evident  gratification,  at  the  eagerness  with  which  the  peasantry,  men 
and  women,  rushed  around  the  carriage  to  see  and  cheer.  The  enrtege  passed  the 
grand  entrance  of  Killarney  House,  and  went  down  the  picturesque  road  towards 
Koss  Island,  when  they  entered  Killarney  demesne  by  the  keeper's  gate,  under  a 
triumphal  arch.  At  Presgat  Valing,  the  drive  in  this  beautiful  demesne,  the  Ken- 
mare  tenantry,  with  their  families,  were  congregated.  They  presented  a  most 
comfortable  appearance,  and  were  loud  in  their  acclamations.  In  about  three-quarters 
of  an  hour  the  Queen  arrived  at  the  terrace  in  front  of  Killarney  House,  where  she 
was  received,  amid  great  splendour  and  the  loud  cheers  of  a  highly  respectable 
assemblage,  by  Lord  Castlerosse  and  his  Lady.  The  Queen  was  most  friendly  in 
her  manner,  and  also  very  animated." 

As  described  by  this  historian,  this  Royal  Scene  appears  to  have 
been  witnessed  on  the  stage,  there  is  so  strong  an  odour  of  the  foot- 
lights in  the  text.  The  groups  of  happy  peasantry,  the  bowings  and 
the  smilings,  and  the  chorus  of  loud  cheers,  all  are  just  what  one 
remembers  in  half-a-huudred  operas  that  one  with  ease  could  name. 
In  what  consisted  the  "  great  splendour,"  amid  which  the  reception  of 
Her  Majesty  took  place,  it  is  left  to  every  reader's  fancy  to  conceive ; 
but  one  can  imagine  how  a  playbill  would  have  gloated  on  the 
"gorgeous  appointments"  of  the  scene,  and  described  the  "blaze  of 
brilliancy  "  with  which  it  would  conclude. 

In  a  scarcely  less  theatrical  and  quite  as  fanciful  a  vein,  another 
writer  in  describing  the  visit  .to  the  Curragh  Camp,  observes : — 

"  Beyond  one  or  two  Irish  peasants  who  happened  to  be  passing,  there  was  hardly 
a  single  spectator  in  the  plain.  Yet  the  sight  was  a  suggestive  one,  though  neither 
very  grand  or  very  striking  as  a  spectacle.  Apparently  it  was  only  three  mounted 
gentlemen  lookiug  on  at  regimental  drill.  Even  the  country  people  present  did  not 
know  that  the  Prince  Consort  was  one  of  these  three,  or  that  the  fair  young  officer 
with  black  crape  on  his  arm  at  the  rear  of  the  regiment,  who  was  so  quick  in 
obeying  Colonel  Percy's  stentorian  orders,  and  who  stood  at  such  rigid  attention 
among  the  privates  of  his  company  till  the  word  '  Officers  at  ease  '  gave  him  and 
others  time  to  rest  and  wipe  their  brows,  was  the  Prince  of  Wales,  the  future 
King  of  England.  Yet  there  he  was,  shoulder  to  shoulder  with  Privates  Smith  and 
Brown,  and  looking  after  his  company  with  as  much  care  and  eager  activity  as  all 
the  rest  of  the  captains.  He  looked,  as  he  always  does  in  his  uniform,  remarkably 
well,  perhaps  a  little  browner,  and  certainly  more  robust  and  formed  in  figure, 
even,  than  he  did  on  that  eventful  morning  when  he  landed  from  the  Hero,  and  won 
the  hearts  of  all  the  ladies  of  Halifax  by  standing  under  the  arch  at  the  dockyard 
while  his  photograph  was  taken." 

The  ladies  of  Halifax  must  be  peculiarly  susceptible  if  all  their  hearts 
were  won  by  the  process  here  described.  Of  course  we  understand 
their  admiration  of  our  Prince,  of  whom  as  Englishmen  of  course  we  are 
naturally  proud.  But  standing  under  an  arch  while  one's  photograph 
is  taken  seems  to  us  a  most  unlikely  way  of  winning  female  hearts. 
Men  seldom  look  more  ludicrous  than  when  they  are  "  placed  in 
position  "  by  photographers,  and  most  Adonises  would  find  it  a  most 
dangerous  experiment  to  let  the  lady  of  then  love  behold  them  in  their 
pose.  It  speaks  volumes  for  the  prince  that  he  could  win  so  many 
hearts  while  standing  in  (no  doubt)  a  ridiculous  position:  though 
whether  his  conquests  were  due  more  to  his  princedom  than  his  person, 
is  a  question  which  the  ladies  of  Halifax  may  answer,  but  on  which  we 
mean  to  keep  our  own  conviction  to  ourselves. 

But  of  all  the  snobbish  bits  of  Special  Correspondence  with  which 
the  British  public  has  recently  been  favoured,  we  incline  to  think  the 
following  should  rank  hi  the  first  place  : — 

"  Her  Majesty  spent  a  most  agreeable  day,  and  she  appeared  all  through  to  he 
greatly  delighted.  The  Qiteen  and  Prince  Albert  repeatedly  expressed  their 
unqualified  admiration  of  the  scenery.  His  Royal  Highness  said  many  portions 
were  sublime." 

Indeed  !  did  he  really !  Now,  how  on  earth,  Mister  Special,  did  you 
manage  to  learn  that  ?  You  surely  don't  mean  us  to  fancy  that  you 
stood  beside  his  elbow,  and  heard  with  your  owu  ears  the  words  you 
put  into  his  mouth.  Penny  newspaper  reporters  have  not  usually  the 
privilege  of  entree  to  the  Court,  yet  unless  you  were  received  within 
the  Royal  circle  you  could  not  possibly  have  heard  the  observation  you 
report.  As  the  Queen  and  the  Prince  Consort  are  not  bereft  of 
eyes,  of  course  they  would  admire  the  charming  scenery  of  Killarney, 
and  no  doubt  their  admiration  would  at  times  find  verbal  vent.  Cela  va 
sans  dire  to  my  ordinary  reader,  and  where  then  is  the  good  of  snob- 
bishly affecting  to  have  heard  the  Royal  words,  and  to  have  seen  the 
Royal  rapture  in  the  Royal  face  ?  It  is  by  such  practices  the  Press  is 
lowered  m  repute,  and  people  think  it  is  the  work  of  a  vulgarian  to 
write  for  it. 


September  7,  1861.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


101 


ARE    MOURNERS    TRAVELLERS? 

his  question  the  law  has 
lately  had  to  entertain,  of 
course  with  reference  to  the 
Public-House  question, 
which  connects  itself  with 
all  the  doings  of  Englishmen, 
from  cradle  to  coffin.  The 
law  didn't  seem  exactly  to 
know  what  to  say.  Of  course 
the  Skakspearian  quotation 
came  up,  and  we  heard  of  the 
bourne  from  which  no  travel- 
ler returns,  but  this  told  the 
wrong  way,  as  it  was  the 
traveller  on  his  return  from 
the  bourne  indicated,  who 
wanted  tipple.  "  Sorrow  is 
dry,"  was  also  urged,  but  the 
law  was  dry  too,  and  de- 
clined to  listen  to  sentiment. 
Mr.  Canning's  pun  about 
"  his  beer  with  an  e,  and  his 
bier  with  an  i"  was  admired, 
but  not  held  to  be  precisely 
relevant.  That  "  shedding  a 
tear,"  is  an  equivalent  phrase 
among  the  vulgar  for  taking 
a  small  glass  of  spirits  was 
mentioned,  only  to  procure 
the  instant  kicking  of  the 
vulgarian  witness  out  of 
Court,  and  a  similar  fate  as 
justly  befel  a  kindred  snob 
who  mumbled  something  about  keeping  spirits  up  by  pouring  spirits  down.  Finally 
it  was  decided,  in  that  humorous  manner  peculiar  to  the  law,  that  though  a 
mourner,  as  such,  had  no  more  right  to  drink  than  the  most  cheerful  person  in  the 
world," yet  as  Magna  Charta  did  not  enact  that  an  undertaker  should  not  be  over- 
taken in  liquor,  there  was  a  presumption  in  favour  of  allowing  it  to  those  whom 
he  escorted,  and  a  publican  who  had  refreshed  a  funeral  party  was  found  not  guilty 
of  illegal  hospitality,  a  decision  in  conformity  with  the  precedent  that  couples 
Mutes  and  Liquids. 


A  BEAVE  BISHOP. 

The  French  have  been  inaugurating,  with  much  glorifi- 
cation, a  monument  to  commemorate  the  expedition  of 
William  the  Unlawful  to  conquer  England.  They  say 
that  they  would  repeat  the  operation,  but  that  there  is  no- 
body in 'France,  with  a  similar  pedigree,  to  take  the  lead. 
We  can  forgive  the  vaunt,  in  our  pleasure  at  the  improved 
morale  of  our  neighbours.  But  it  aroused  the  manly  pa- 
triotism of  one  man  among  us,  namely,  Bishop  Tait. 
Scarcely  had  he  read  the  news,  when  that  gallant  hierarch 
threw  himself  into  a  vessel,  and  invaded  France  single- 
handed,  and  attended  only  by  a  brace  of  fierce  young 
chaplains.  He  dashed  at  Calais  on  a  Tuesday,  rallied  the 
Protestants,  proclaimed  the  Thirty-Nine  Articles,  and  the 
temporal  supremacy  of  Queen  Victoria,  and  having  con- 
firmed the  faithful  hi  their  allegiance,  he  hurried  on  to 
Dunkirk,  and  on  the  same  day,  and  with  the  same  audacity 
and  good  fortune,  planted  more  firmly  than  ever  the  stand- 
ard of  the  British  Church. 

The  French  were  thunderstruck  at  this  double  coup  of 
the  brave  Bishop,  and  so  far  from  endeavouring  to  impede 
him,  they  allowed  him  every  facility  for  his  progress,  and 
on  the  Friday  he  was  at  Bonn,  beyond  the  reach  of  the 
whole  French  army.  While  we  have  such  champions  to 
maintain  the  cause  of  our  Church,  France  may  stick  up  as 
many  columns  as  she  can  pay  for,  and  Dr.  Ullathorne 
may  preach  as  many  sermons  as  he  Hkes  in  the  cathedrals 
winch  she  can't,  or  won't  pay  for. 


A  Slight  Omission. 


The  Victors  of  Bull's  Run  and  Springfield  have  a  cer- 
tain right  to  blow  their  own  trumpets,  considering  the 
awful  swagger  of  the  North  previously  to  the  engagements  ; 
but  when  General  Beauregard,  hi  a  proclamation, 
profanely  informs  Slave-floggers  that  "unborn  generations 
shall  arise  and  call  them  Blessed,"  we  must  be  allowed  to 
doubt  the  value  of  the  prophecy,  unless  the  proverbially 
inaccurate  journalists  of  America  have  omitted  a  word. 
Did  he  write  "Blessed  Rascals"? 


'    A  WORD  WITH  THE  VOLUNTEERS. 

The  universe  well  knows  how  immensely  Mr.  Fundi  admires  the 
Volunteers.  Hath  he  not  from  then  first  starting  advanced  them  his 
support,  and  so  shielded  them  from  the  ridicule  which  might  have 
otherwise  been  hurled  at  them  ?  Hath  he  not  in  fact  made  the  move- 
ment what  it  is,  the  glory  of  this  island  and  the  terror  of  the  Continent  r 
Guided  by  the  promptings  of  his  "  sagacious  instinct "  (to  which  Lord 
Palmerston  so  pointedly  referred  the  other  day,  in  his  speech  on 
installation  as  Warden  of  the  Cinque  Ports),  Mr.  Punch  saw  from  the 
first  that  by  the  growth  of  Volunteers  there  would  be  saved  the  cost  of 
increase  of  the  Army ;  so  his  feelings  as  a  tax-  payer  inclined  him  to 
regard  them  with  considerable  favour,  and  to  lose  no  chance  to  pat 
them  on  the  back. 

Mr.  Punch  is  free  to  own  that  on  the  whole  his  pets  have  shown 
themselves  deserving  of  his  patronage,  and  that  their  prowess  in  sharp- 
shooting  proves  them  worthily  descended  from  their  ancestors  of  old, 
who  were  so  admirably  skilled  in  drawing  the  long  bow,  and  when  they 
shot  an  arrow,  gave  the  enemy  they  aimed  at  an-arrow  chance  of  life. 
The  dreary  drudgery  of  drUl  is  far  more  patiently  submitted  to  than  by 
many  a  pipe-clayed  prophet  was  averred  would  be  the  case;  and  if  at 
a  review  a  ramrod  has  been  shot  away,  such  accidents  have  chanced 
with  the  best  regulated  regulars,  and  one  must  not  blame  the  Volun- 
teers alone  for  having  suffered  them. 

But  there  are  many  minor  matters  connected  with  the  movement  for 
which  the  hand  of  a  reformer  might  fitly  be  invoked,  and  this  hand 
(with  a  pen  in  it)  Mr.  Punch  would  fain  stretch  out.  For  instance,  if 
the  Volunteers  have  any  music  in  their  souls,  why  do  they  let  their 
bands  perform  such  pitiable  tunes  as  nine  corps  out  of  ten  appear  con- 
tented to  step  out  to,  but  which  have  nothing  in  them  inspiring  to  a 
soldier,  and  indeed  seem  only  written  for  the  small  boys  in  the  streets  ? 
Surely  quite  enough  of  martial  music  has  been  written  to  save  the  need 
of  playing  nigger  melodies  to  march  to,  and  there  surely  is  as  much 
that  is  inspiring  to  a  Rifleman  in  such  a  tune  for  instance  as  the  "British 
Grenadiers,"  as  in  the  silly  " Perfect  Cure"  or  the  sillier  " Sally  Come 
Up."  Yet  for  once  that  one  may  hear  the  former  march  performed, 
one  hears  a  hundred  brayings  of  the  latter  stupid  tunes  :  and  one  feels 
tempted  to  suggest  that  as  the  bands  appear  so  fond  of  playing  nigger- 
songs,  they  ought  to  black  their  faces  to  make  the  thing  complete. 


Another  nuisance  to  be  quashed  is  the  trick  that  some  corps  have  of 
returning  from  a  march  in  the  middle  of  the  night,  and  of  making  the 
night  hideous  with  the  blaring  of  brass  bands,  thereby  awaking  sober 
people  out  of  their  first  sleep.  How  many  sick  persons_  have  suffered 
from  this  cause,  the  doctors  might  perhaps  supply  statistics  to  point 
out  ;  but  it  really  is  too  bad  that  a  whole  town  should  be  disturbed, 
because  Private  Brown  or  Buggins  is  getting  rather  tired,  and  wants 
the  stimulus  of  music  to  spur  him  on  the  march. 

There  are  other  faults  and  follies  whereof  Mr.  Punch  has  heard,  which 
all  true  Volunteers  should  lend  their  help  to  crush,  as  they  tend  to 
bring  the  movement  into  disrepute.  For  instance  why  some  Riflemen 
can't  walk  out  in  their  uniform  without  lighting  a  short  pipe,  is  a  mys- 
tery which  time  as  yet  has  failed  to  solve ;  nor  is  it  a  whit  plainer  to 
nou -military"  minds  why  some  Volunteers  should  hold  themselves  quite 
free  to  smoke  on  railways  without  asking  for  permission,  and  to  puff 
their  smoke  in  the  face  of  fellow-travellers  without  thinking  it  possible 
that  it  may  not  be  liked. 

These  are  some  of  the  things  done  by  the  fast  men  of  the  movement 
who  seem  to  emulate  the  Yankees  in  going  a-head  of  due  propriety  and 
out-running  good  taste.  But  Mr.  Punch  feels  sure  that  our  fastest 
Volunteers  will  never  emulate  that  "unfortunate  rapidity  of  move- 
ment" by  which  the  Yankee  Volunteers  were  distinguished  at  Bulls 
Run.  

A  Trifle  from  the  C.  C.  C. 

It  seems  that  remarkably  queer  mdiwiddle 

Whom  Cockneys  describe  as  the  Baron  de  Viddle, 

Has  turned  out  unable  a  jury  to  diddle : 

They  thought  his  excuses  were  mere  faddle-Sddle, 

And  offered  a  simple  reply  to  his  riddle ; 

So  Baron  de  Vidil  's  shut  up  in  the  middle 

Of  life,  by  a  verdict  of  "  Treated  his  kid  ill." 


the  road  to  ruin. 

"  The  Federals,  after  the  Springfield  defeat,  have  fallen  back  upon  Rolla." 

This  really  looks  like  going  to  smash.    At  least,  we  all  know  where 
an  English  Manager  is  going,  when  he  falls  back  upon  Pizarro. 


102 


PUNCH,   Oil  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[September  7,  1861. 


Urbane  Passenger.  (Morning  Express).  "  Like  to  see  the  Morning  Paper,  Sir?" 

Swell  (Gov.  Clerk).  "  No,  thariky — ah — if  I  trees  t'  read  Paper  now,  shouldn't  have,  anything  to  do  when  I  got  to  the 


Office, 


GHOSTS    WITH    A    GRIEVANCE. 

A  Case  lias  just  occurred,  ou  which  Mr.  Punch  would  like  the  opinion 
of  his  friend,  Cardinal  Wiseman,  or  some  other  doctor  in  Catholic 
theology.  A  French  priest,  the  Abbe  Vidal  (not  Vidil)  has  been 
found  guilty  of  divers  acts  which  t  the  tribunal  of  the  Seme  has  been 
profane  enough  to  describe  as  swindling,  and  the  holy  man  has  been 
sentenced  to  three  years'  imprisonment,  and  a  fine  of  £20.  He  had 
been  into  what  is  called  the  Mass  Business,  that  is  to  say  he  had 
accepted  commissions  to  say,  or  procure  to  be  said,  Masses,  for  the 
benefit  of  the  souls  of  various  persons.  His  charge  was  not  high,  for 
he  demanded  only  Tcnpence  per  Mass,  and  he  received  33,194  commis- 
sions, at  this  reasonable  rate.  Had  he  executed  these  commissions,  he 
would  have  discharged  his  duty  to  the  satisfaction,  we  presume,  of  the 
living  and  of  the  dead.  But  the  Abbe  Vidal  did  nothing  of  the  kind. 
He  procured  only  6,634  Masses,  and  pocketed  the  rest  of  the  money,  to 
an  amount  exceeding  £1,000.  Consequently  there  are  26,560  Masses 
wanting. 

Now,_it  appears  to  Mr.  Punch,  that  unless  the  Church  interferes,  this 
state  of  things  is  excessively  hard  upon  the  parties  who  are  in  the 
quarter  described  by  Dante  in  the  middle  portion  of  the  divine  poem. 
And  Mr.  P.  wishes  to  know  how  then  rights  are  to  be  maintained  ? 
Their  surviving  friends  paid  for  the  Masses,  and  may  be  dead  themselves, 
or  may  have  no  more  francs  to  spare,  or  may  choose  to  believe  that 
among  the  6,634  persons  who  were  taken  care  of,  their  relatives  came 
in— the  world  is  selfish,  and  credulous  when  credulity  saves  money. 
What  is  the  position  of  the  26,560,  or,  (as  probably  many  persons  took 
a  quantity  of  an  article  to  be  had  so  cheaply)  of  those  who  were  entitled 
to  a  share  in  that  mass  of  Masses  ?  Imprisoning  the  Abbe  is  an  act  of 
secular  justice,  not  one  of  religious  service. 

Will  the  Church  interpose,  and  declare  the  defunct  parties  entitled 
to  the  benefit  of  all  the  Masses  that  were  paid  for,  but  not  said.  This 
would  be  an  act  of  justice  and  of  mercy,  but  like  most  acts  of  justice 
and  of  mercy,  it  would  be  to  the  detriment  of  the  priests.  They  have  a 
vested  right  m  the  mitigated-sulphur  department,  and  would  claim  to 
be  paid.  Will  the  Church  pay  them— taking  the  Masses  at  trade- 
price  ?    Either  this  should  be  done,  or  hard  labour  should  he  added  to 


the  Abbe's  sentence,  and  he  should  be  obliged  to  attend  daily  in  the 
gaol  chapel,  and  clear  off  the  arrears,  under  the  eye  of  a  gendarme. 
The  uuworthiness  of  the  minister  we  know  makes  no  difference  in  the 
efficacy  of  the  rite.  Unless  something  of  this  sort  is  done,  the  cheated 
defunct  have  a  right  to  complain  loudly,  and  they  hereby  receive  Mr. 
Punch's  special  licence  to  haunt  the  Archbishop  of  Paris  from  XII 
to  I  every  night  until  further  notice. 


THE  LONDON  BARRICADES. 

Why  arc  an  honest  man's  acceptances  like  the  streets  of  London  ? 
Because  they  are  always  taken  up,  of  course.  Any  body  could  guess 
a  stupid  riddle  like  that.  But  a  more  difficult  riddle  is,  How  are 
an  honest  man's  acceptances  to  be  taken  up,  if  his  clerk  has  to  make  a 
circuit  of  nine  miles  to  get  from  Piccadilly  to  Lombard  Street  ? 
Mr.  Punch  really  thinks  that,  in  the  present  state  of  things,  instead  of 
the  "  No  Orders'"  which  he  has  heard  of  as  a  label  on  a  neglected  bill, 
the  statement  should  be  "  No  Thoroughfare,"  and  that  this  should  be 
held  as  a  plea  at  law.  It  is  too  bad  that  the  Gas  Companies  should 
ruin  at  once  our  roads  and  our  credit,  and  sell  us  abominably  dear  and 
bad  gas  into  the  bargain.  We  should  like  to  consult  Serjeant 
Gas-leigh  as  to  whether  one  could  not  bring  an  action  against  the 
Companies,  send  them  a  writ  and  tell  'em  to  put  that  in  their  pipes. 
Vive  Louis  Napoleon  !  There  is  no  possibility  of  taking  up  his  new 
streets,  and  he  is  entitled  to  be  regarded  as  a  Double  Wonder  of  the 
World,  being  at  once  a  Sphynx  and  a  Colossus  of  lloads. 


A  Capital  Change. 

The  Germans  have  a  maimer  peculiar  to  themselves,  wishing  doubt- 
lessly to  be  extremely  Erenchy,  of  giving  Paris  the  pronunciation  of 
Paresse.  We  do  not  disapprove  of  the  affectation ;  on  the  contrary,  we 
think  it  very  characteristic  of  the  place,  having  always  looked  upon 
Paris  as  the  capital,  par  excellence,  of  Idleness.  We  do  not  think  a 
Frenchman,  even,  would  object  to  hearing  the  chief  town  of  his 
affections  called  "  La  Ville  de  Paresse." 


Printed  by  William  Bradbury,  of  No.  13,  Upper  Woburn  Place,  and  Frederick  Mullett  Evans,  of  No  19,  Queen's  Road  West.  Regent's  Park,  both  io  the  Parish  of  St.  Pancras,  in  the  County  of  Middlesex, 
rrinters,  at  their  Utnee  in  Lombard  S'.reet,  )n  the  Precinct  ol  Whitefriars,  i"  the  (  ityof  London,  and  PuDlishel  by  them  at  No.  Si.  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  City  of  London. - 
oatvbdai,  September;,  18bl. 


COMPLETION    OF   THE   ENGLISH   CYCLOPEDIA. 

This  day  is  Published,  Vol.  8,  Price  12s.,  of 

THE    ENGLISH    CYCLOPAEDIA 

OF  ARTS  AND  SCIENCES. 

This  Volume  completes  the  Division  of  Arts  and  Sciences,  and  the  entire  Work. 

Part  22,  Price  2s.  6d.,  was  published  on  the  1st  inst. 

Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street.  Fleet  Street,  B.C. 


ROYAL  EDUCATION  COMMISSION. 

This  day  is  published,  price  2s.  6d.  boards, 

POPULAR   EDUCATION    IN  IENGLAND. 

Being  an  Abstract  of  the  Report  of  the  Boyal  Commissioners  on  Education.     With  an 
Introduction  and  Summary  Tables.     By  HERBERT  8.    SKEATS. 
"Mr.  H.  S.  Skeats'  '  Abstract  of  the  Report  of  the  Royal  Commissioners'  is  at  once  comprehensive 
concise,  and  clear.    All  the  really  important  points  either  as  to  matters  of  fact  or  of  suggestion  are  com 
pressed  into  the  compasB  of  one  small  volume."— Economist. 
Bhaqbukv  &  Evai-s,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.  C. 


RE-ISSUE      OF      PUNCH. 

The  Double  Volome  for  1844  (Vols.  6  and  7  together),  Price  10s.  6c?.,  in  cloth,  and 
Vol.  7,  price  5s.,  in  boards,  are  now  ready. 

Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


In  a  few  days  will  be  published,  in  3  vols.,  post  Svo,  Price  31s.  6rf., 

THE        SILVER       CORD. 

BY  SHIRLEY  BROOKS, 

Author  of  "  The  Gordian  Knot,"  "  Aspen  Court,"  &c. 
Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI,  September  14,  1861. 


Now  Ready,  with  200  Illustrations,  2  vols.,  Post  Svo, 

MURRAY'S  S  HANDBOOK 

M TO  THE SOUTHERN  CATHEDRALS 
OF  ENGLAND:  Includins  Winchester,  Salis- 
bury, Exeter,  Wells,  Rochester,  Canterbury, 
and  Chichester. 

The  following  are  also  Now  Ready: 
HANDBOOK  — Modern    London.     Man. 

10mo.    5s. 
HANDBOOK— Kent  and   Sussex.     Map. 

Post  Svo.    10s. 

HANDBOOK— Surrey,  Hants,  and  Isle 

op  Wight.    Map.    Post  Svo.    7s-  0^. 

HANDBOOK— Berks,  Bucks,  and  Ox- 
fordshire; University  and  City  of  Oxford,  and 
Descent  of  the  Thames.    Map.  Post  Svo.   Is.  fid. 

HANDBOOK— Devon  and  Cornwall. 
Map.    Post  8vo.    7«-  dd. 

HANDBOOK— Wilts,  Dorset,  and  Somer. 
set.    Map.    Post  Svo.    Is.  fid. 

HANDBOOK— North  and  South  Wales. 
Maps.    2  vols.    Post  8vo.    12s. 

"  Into  every  uook  which  an  Englishman  can  pene- 
trate he  carries  his  Reh  Handbook.  He  trusts  to 
his  Murray  as  he  would  trust  to  his  razor,  because 
it  is  thoroughly  English  and  reliable;  and  for  his 
history,  hotels,  exchanges,  scenery,  for  the  cine  to 
his  route  and  his  comfort  by  the  way,  Murray's 
Red  Handbook  is  his  'guide,  philosopher,  and 
friend.'  "—Times. 

JOHN  MURRAY,  Albemarle  Street. 

THE    dlTEEN-AN     ILLUS- 

■A  TRATED  JOURNAL  AND  REVIEW, 
fid.  Weekly. 

"The  Queen"  is  the  earliest  and  most  accurate 
chronicler  of  La  Mode.  At  all  booksellers,  and  post 
free  for  G  stamps  from  the  Office,  24S  Strand,  W.C. 


'EDGING  STATIONERY 
mples  POST  FREE 

KKINS&GOTT0 
25  OXFORD  STlONDDK 


T^TTRNISHING    WAEE- 

*     HOUSES,    6>J,  70,    71,   72,    73,   74,  75, 

Westminster  Bridge  Road,  Lambeth. 

ATKINSON  &  Co.  have  always  on  hand  a  very 
large  and  choice  Stock  of  every  requisite  for  fur- 
nishing a  house. 

Bedroom  suits  complete  from  &7  10*. 
Dining-  or  Sitting-room    „      ^£12  12*. 

Drawing-room  in  fine  figured  Walnut- wood,  stuffed 
all  hair,  covered  in  Rep,  from  ^£21  10*.  warranted. 

Catalogues  (to  he  had  either  on  application  or 
post  free)  containing  numerous  designs,  accom- 
panied with  Estimates  for  a  complete  House— or  the 
juice  of  a  single  piece  of  Furniture. 

Carpets:  Turkey,  Axminster,  Rrussells,  Kidder- 
minster, &c.  &c. 

Curtain  fabrics  in  Brocatelle,  Tournay,  Rep,  Silk 
and  Worsted,  all  Wool  and  Union  Damasksj  Muslin 
Curtains,  Table  Covers,  Blankets,  Sheetings,  and 
every  other  description  of  domestic  Drapery." 

WOMAN'S    HEALTH    AND 

»v-'  BEAUTY  are  increased  and  preserved 
from  youth  to  old  age  by  the  prudent  use  of  PARK'S 
LIFE  PILLS.  This  admirable  balsamic  preparation 
gives  colour  to  the  complexion,  brightness  to  the  eyes, 
cheerful  animation  to  the  features,  and  agreeable 
vigour  to  the  whole  frame. 

Sold  by  all  Chemists  and  Medicine  Vendors,  in 
boxes  at  Is.  lid.,  2s.  9a.,  and  in  family  packets,  lis. 
each. 


£&.  INO  DOGS  ;  their  Varieties,  Points, 
Management,  Training,  Breeding,  and  Diseases. 
By  John  Mbthick.    Price  3s. 'fid. 

"Has  long  been  felt  as  a  desideratum  by  that 
numerous  class  who  'keep  these  animals  either  tor 
use  or  pleasure."— Field. 

Published  by  John  Van  Voorst,  1,  Paternoster 
Row ;  and  to  be  obtained  through  all  Booksellers. 

SAPONACEOUS 

W  TOOTH  POWDER  Cleanses  and  Pre- 
serves the  Teeth,  removes  the  tartar,  and  leaves  on 
the  palate  the  delicious  flavour  of  the  flowers  of 
which  it  is  in  a  great  part  composed.    Price  Is.  fid. 
H.  Rigge,  35)  Nov  Bond  Street. 


VOLUNTEER    AND'  ARCH- 

W      ERY  PRIZES.— BURROW'S  LAND- 
SCAPE GLASSES  are  the  most  popular. 
W.  &  J.  Burrow,  Malvern. 

MALVERN    LANDSCAPE 

*«*  GLASSES. 

"  Best  Binocular  Telescope  yet  invented  "—Bell's 

Life. 
"  Most  compact,  accurate,  and  powerful."— Field 
"  We  can  speak  well  of  its  powers."— Athenseum 
"  A  beautifully   finished   Binocular."— Volunteer 

Service  Gazette. 

Price  3J  and  6  Guineas,  on  receipt  of  money  orders. 
W.  &  J.  Burrow,  Great  Malvern. 

fiHUBB'S   PATENT  DETEC^ 

'J  TOR  LOCKS ;  Chubb's  Fire  and  Bur- 
glar Proof  Safes;  Chubb's  Fireproof  Strong-room 
Boors  ;  Chubb's  Street-door  Latches,  with  small 
keys;  Chubb's  Cash  and  Deed  Boxes.— Illustrated 
Price  List  sent  free. 

Chubb  &  Son,  No.  57,  St.  Paul's  Churchyard. 

T  ONDON  AND  RYDER,  late 

AS  Hancock,  Goldsmiths  and  Jewellers, 
17,  New  Bond  Street,  respectfully  invite  the  notice 
of  the  nobility,  &c.,  to  their  New  Stock  of  Elegant 
Jewellery.  Every  article  in  the  best  possible  taste, 
and  at  moderate  prices.  A  variety  of  novelties  spe- 
cially adapted  for  Wedding  Souvenirs.  Diamonds 
rearranged,  &c.  17,  New  Bond  Street,  corner  of 
Clifford  Street.    Established  30  Years. 


SHEFFIELD   MANUEACTUEEES, 

OPPOSITE  TO  THE  PANTHEON,  OXFOED  STREET, 

THE  ONLY  LONDON  ADDRESS. 

THE  LARGEST  STOCK  IN  LONDON  OF  CUTLERY  AND 
ELECTRO-SILVER  PLATE, 

The  most  beautiful  and  varied  assortment  to  be  seen  anywhere,  of  Tea.  and  Dinner  Services, 
Cruets,  Cruet  Frames,  Dish  Covers.  Side  Dishes,  Waiters,  Tea-Trays,  Fruit  Stands,  Epergnes, 
&C,  the  Quality  excellent,  and  the  Prices  most  reasonable. 

Forwarded  direct  from  their  Manufactory,  ROYAL  CUTLERY  WORKS,  Sheffield. 


MAPPLW   &  Co.'s  UNRIVALLED  TABLE  CUTLERY. 


1  doz.  Table  Knives,  Ivory  handles., 

1  doz.  Cheese  Knives    , 

1  pair  Registered  Meat  Carvers    

1  pair  Extra  size  ditto 

1  pair  Poultry  Carvers 

1  Steel  for  sharpening , 


Complete  Service £2    0    0    £3    0    6     £5    2    0 


Good. 


£0  13  0 

0  10  0 

0    4  6 

0    5  6 

0    4  6 

0    2  6 


Medium. 


£1  0 
0  15 
0  7 
0  8 
0  7 
0    3 


Superior. 


£1  15 
1  5 
0  12 
0  13 
0  12 
0    4 


These  Table  Knives  are  gnaranteed  the  best  sold  in  London,  at  the  prices  charged.     They  are 
made  from  the  very  best  steel,  and  the  handles  are  so  secured  that  they  cannot  become  loose  in 
hot  water.     It  is  in  consequence  of  MESSRS.  MAPFIN  &  Co.  being  Manufacturers,  that  they 
are  enabled  to  offer  their  Table  Knives  at  such  unprecedented  low  prices. 
MAPPIN  &  Co.  have  no  connection  with  any  Hou3s  of  a  similar  name  in  London. 
MAP  PIN  AND  Co.,  London  Show  Booms,    opposite  to  the 
PANTHEON,  OXFORD    STREET; 
SHEFFIELD  MANUFACTORY,  ROYAL  CUTLERY  "WORKS. 

NO  MORE  PILLS  OP,  OTHER  MEDICINES  FOR  OLD  OR  YOUNG. 

"  We  find  the  safest  remedy  in  DU  BARRY'S  delicious  health-restoring 


For  Habitual  Constipation,  Dyspepsia  (Indigestion),  Palpitation,  Acidity,  Nausea,  Consumption, 
Coughs,  Colds,  Asthma,  Bronchitis,  Haemorrhoids,  Nervousness,  Biliousness,  Torpidity  of  the 
Liver,  Debility,  &c."— Andrew  Ure,  M.D.,  F.R.S.  ;  Dr.  Harvey,  Dr.  Shorland,  Dr.  Campbell. 

Dr.  Wurzer's  Testimonial : — "  Du  Barry's  Food  is  particularly  effective  in  curing  dyspepsia 
(indigestion),  habitual  constipation,  as  also  diarrhoea,  bowel,  and  liver  complaints,  affections  of 
the  kidneys  and  bladder,  inflammatory  irritation  and  cramp  of  the  urethra,  and  haemorrhoids, 
also  in  cough,  asthma,  debility,  and  incipient  pulmonary  and  bronchial  consumption." — Dr.  Rud. 
Wurzer,  Professor  of  Medicine  and  Practical  M.D.  It  saves  50  times  its  cost  in  other  remedies 
and  all  Doctors'  and  Apothecaries'  Bills. 

We  extract  a  few  out  of  many  thousand  cures: — Cure,  No.  1,771.  Lord  Stuart  de  Decies,  of 
many  years'  dyspepsia. — No.  49,832.  "  Fifty  years'  indescribable  agony  from  dyspepsia,  nerv- 
ousness, asthma,  cough,  constipation,  flatulency,  spasms,  sickness,  and  vomiting.  Maria  Joly, 
of  Lynn,  Norfolk." — Cure,  No.  58,816.  Field-Marshal  the  Duke  of  Pluskow,  of  dyspepsia,  con- 
stipation, nervousness,  and  liver  complaints. — Cure,  No.  47,121.  Miss  Elizabeth  Jacobs,  Nazing 
Vicarage.  Waltham  Cross,  Herts,  of  extreme  nervousness,  indigestion,  gatherings,  low  spirits, 
and  nervous  fancies. — Cure,  No.  54,81fi.  The  Rev.  Jatnes  T.  Campbell,  Syderstone  Rectory,  near 
Fakenham,  Norfolk,  "of  indigestion  and  torpidity  of  the  liver,  which  had  resisted  all  medical 
treatment ;  inquiries  will  be  cheerfully  answered." 

Packed  in  tins  at  Is.  Ud.,  1  lb.,  2s.  9d.  ;  2  lb.,  4s.  Gd.  ;  5  lb.,  lis.  ;  121b.,  22s.  ;  24  lb.,  free  of 
carriage,  40s.  Super  refined  quality,  10  lb.,  S3s. — Barry  Du  Barry  &  Co.,  No.  77,  Regent  Street. 
London;  also  Fortnum,  Mason  &  Co. ;  and  at 60, Graceehurch  Street ;  4,  Cheapside  :  63  and  15^, 
Oxford  Street :    229,^530,  430,  and 451,  Strand;  and  through  all  respectable  Grocers  and  Chemists, 


IMPORTANT 


ANNOUNCEMENT. 


METALLIC   PEN   MAKER  TO  THE    (JUEEN, 

BY  ROYAL  COMMAND, 

JOSEPH    GILLOTT 

"REGS  most  respectfully  to  inform  the  Commercial  "World,  Scholastic  Institutions,  and  the 
public  generally,  that  by  a  novel  application  of  his  unrivalled  Machinery  for  making  Steel  Pens,  and  in  accordance 
witli  the  scientific  spirit  of  the  times,  he  has  introduced  a  new  series  of  his  useful  productions,  which,  for  excel- 
lence  of  temper,  q,ualitv  of  matebtal,  and,  above  all,  cheapness  in  price,  he  believes  will  ensure  universal 
approbation,  and  defy  competition.  Each  Pen  bears  the  impress  of  his  name  as  a  guarantee  of  quality;  and  they  are 
put  up  in  the  usual  style  of  boxes,  containing  one  gross  each,  with  label  outside,  and  trie  fac  simile  of  his  signature. 
Atthe  request  of  persons  extensively  engaged  in  tuition,  J.  G.  has  introduced  his  WARRANTED  SCHOOL  AND 
PUBLIC  PENS,  which  are  especially  adapted  to  their  use,  being  of  different  degrees  of  flexibility,  and  with  fine, 
medium,  and  broad  points,  suitable  for  the  various  kinds  of  Writing  taught  in  Schools.  Sold  Retail  by  all  Stationers, 
Book-sellers,  and  other  respectable  Dealers  in  Steel  Pens.  Merchants  and  Wholesale  Dealers  can  be  supplied  at  the 
Works,  Graham  Street;  96,  New  Street,  Birmingham; 

No.  91,  JOHN  STREET,  NEW  YORK  ;  and  at  37,  GRACECHURCH  STREET,  LONDON,  E.G. 


*HE   N, 


COLOUR  FOE   GENTLEMEN'S   DRESS. -THE 


Imperial  Blue  is  now  ready  in  every  variety  of  Morning  Suits,  and  Overcoats,  at  H.  J.  and 
D.  NICOLL'S,  No.  114,  Regent  Street,  22,  Cornhill,  and  10,  St.  Ann's  Square,  Manchester. 


KNICKERBOCKERS— IN   THE   "CORNHILL  MAGAZINE"   OF 

u&Sj  October,  I860,  the  above  costume  is  described  in  the  following  terms  :— "  Knickerbockers, 
surely  the  prettiest  boy's  dress  that  has  appeared  these  hundred  years."  In  order  to  place  this 
great  improvement  in  BOYS'  DRESS  within  the  reach  of  all  well-to-do  families,  MES3KS. 
NICOLL  now  make  the  costume  complete  for  Two  Guineas.  There  is  a  large  selection  of  Pale- 
tots, Overcoats,  and  other  Garments,  prepared  for  Young  Gentlemen  coming  home  for  the 
holidays.  Messes.  H.  J.  and  D.  NICOLL  have  adapted  the  Knickerbocker  Dress  for  Boys  (about 
three  years  -of  age),  as  the  First  Cloth  Suit  on  leaying  off  the  petticoat  dress  ;  the  cost  varying 
from  one  guinea.  Sample  Suits  with  the  necessary  under  clothing,  <fec,  may  now  be  inspected, 
or  the  same  will  be  forwarded  on  application,  if  accompanied  with  a  reference  in  town. 
H.  J.  and  D.  NICOLL,  114,  Regent  Street;  22,  Cornhill;  and  10,  St.  Ann's  Square,  Manchester. 

D>  ia         T         m         TT         ID  IP 


U       K 


CARRIAGE  FREE 

To  any  part  of  the  Kingdom, 

ILLUSTRATED   AND   PRICED   CATALOGUES 

Forwarded  Gratis  and  Post  Free  on  Application, 

P.   &  S.    BETFUS, 

91  to  95,  City  Road. 


WEDDING    AND    BIRTHDAY    PRESENTS.-H.    RODRIGUES, 

W1  42,  PICCADILLY,  invites  attention  to  his  elegant  STOCK  of  TRAVELLING  DRESSING 
BAGS.  DRESSING  CASES,  DESPATCH  BOXES,  Writing  Cases,  Work  Boxes,  Jewel  Cases,  Scent  Caskets  and 
Glove  Boxes,  LADIES'  RETICULE  ami  CARRIAGE  BAGS  of  every  description:  MED1/EVAL  MOUNTED 
ENVELOPE  CASES,  BLOTT1NG-BOUKS,  and  INKSTANDS  en  suite  :  the  NEW  PATENT  SELE-CLOSING 
BOOK  SLIDE,  also  a  choice  variety  of  ELEGANCIES  and  NOVELTIES  suitable  for  1'RESENTATION,  too 
various  to  enumerate,  to  be  had  at 

HENRY  RODRIGUES'  42  PICCADILLY, two  doors  from  Sackville  Street,  W. 


PAMILY  TICKETS  TO  HAS- 

■*■  TINGS,  ST.  LEONARDS,  and  EAST- 
BOURNE for  one  or  more  persons,  available  for 
ONE  MONTH,  or  for  extended  periods  from  Vic- 
toria, London  Bridge,  and  Norwood  JunctioD 
Stations, at  REDUCED  FARES,  by  the  BRIGHTON 
and  SOUTH  COAST  LINE,  on  application  at  the 
Booking  Offices  at  the  above  Stations,  or  at  43, 
Regent  Circus,  Piccadilly.  Fares  there  and  back  : 
To  Hastings  and  St.  LeonarHs,  First  Class,  by 
Express  Trains,  25s.;  by  Ordinary  Trains,  21s.; 
Second  Class  by  Express,  20s.;  by  Ordinary,  16s. 
To  Eastbourne  by  both  Ordinary  and  Express  Trains, 
First  Class,  20s. ;  Second  Class,  14s. 

PARIS  IN  TWELVE  HOURS 

■»■  and  a  HALF,  via  Dieppe,  by  the  new 
DAILY  TIDAL  SERVICE,  with  Special  Express 
Tidal  Trains  both  on  the  English  and  French  Rail- 
ways. 20s.  Second  Class,  28s.  First  Class.  Return 
Tickets  issued.  Two  departures  daily  (except 
Sundays)— For  hours  of  departure,  from  London 
Bridge  and  Victoria,  see  the  "  Times"  daily. 


HER  MAJESTY'S  VISIT  TO 
IRELAND.  —  Callaghan's  Opera, 
Race,  and  Field  Glasses,  matchless  for  power 
and  portability ;  maybe  worn  round  the  neck  as  a 
double  eye-glass.  Invaluable  to  the  tourist,  and  for 
viewing  scenery  at  four  to  five  miles  distance  are 
preferred  to  the  telescope.  Equally  available  at  the 
opera-house,  race-course,  or  review.  Price  30s.,  45s., 
50s.(  70s.,  andSOs ,  accordingto  size  and  power. — May 
be  had  at  Messrs.  Smith  &  Son's  Bookstalls  at 
the  principal  railway  stations:  and  in  Ireland  at 
Bray,  the  Curragh,  Killarney,  Kingstown,  Limerick 
Junction,  Mallow,  Newbridge,  and  21,  Lower  Sack- 
ville Street,  Dublin;  or  will  be  sent  free  on  remit- 
tance to  William  Callaghan,  Optician,  23  a,  New 
Bond  Street,  W.,  corner  of  Conduit  Street.  London. 

WR.    MARKWELL.     WINE 

Ai&  Merchant  to  Her  Majesty,  Nos.  35  to 
40,  and  45,  Albemarle  Street,  and  4,  Stafford  Street, 
Piccadilly,  London,  W.  Naval  and  Military  Messes 
supplied.  Receipts  for,  and  Compounds  of,  Ameri- 
can Drinks.  The  still  and  sparkling  Catawba.  The 
Californian  Champagne,  54s.  per  dozen.  Red  and 
white  Hungarian  Wines,  30s.  and  upwards  per  doz. 
The  celebrated  aromatic  Scheidam  Schnapps, 
Stoughton  &  Sickles'  Bitters.  Bourbon,  Mononga- 
hela,  and  Old  Dominion  Whiskies. 


TJIMMEL'S     PA- 

■**    TENT     PERFUME 

VAPORISER,  an  Elegant  Ap- 
paratus, recommended  by  Da. 
Letetebt  and  Dr.  Hassall  for 
diffusing     the     fragrance    of 
flowers,  and  purifying  the  air. 
Price  from  6s. 
Rimmel,  Perfumer. 
96,  Strand,  and  24,  Cornhill. 


T    MAPLE   &    Co.'s    FIRST 

«!■•  CLASS  FURNITURE. 

Mahogany  Wing  Wardrobes,  9  guineas;  ditto,  with 
Plate  Glass  Doors,  11  guineas;  ditto,  in  Painted 
Wood,  with  Plate  Glass  Doors,  5$  guineas;  Bed- 
steads of  every  description,  in  Wood,  Iron,  and  Brass, 
fitted  with  Drapery  and  Bedding  complete;  several 
Suites  of  Drawing-room  Furniture,  from  12  to  20 
guineas;  the  Eugenie  Easy  Chair,  23s.;  Couch  to 
correspond,  3  guineas;  many  Chiffoniers,  with  Plate 
Glass  and  Marble,  from  £5  to  ^625;  Marqueterie 
Cabinets  from  2 guineas ;  very  large  ditto,  in  Buhl, 
from  ^12  to  ^£25;  Bookcases  from  4$  guineas: 
Dining  Tables,  both,  in  Mahogany  and  Oak,  from  3 
to  30  guineas. 

J.  Maple  &  Co.,  entrance  145,  Tottenham  Court 
Road,  the  most  convenient  Furnishing  Establish- 
ment in  the  world.  Families  Furnishing  should 
visit  these  Warehouses  before  giving  their  orders; 
it  will  save  them  much  time,  trouble,  andexpense. 
Illustrated  Catalogue  on  application. 
Established  30  years. 


'2.2.0 

DINNER  SERV 
453&6aSTRANIf 


KEATING'S  PERSIAN  INSECT  DESTROYING 
POWDER. 

■PLEAS  IN  DOGS,  POULTRY, 

■S"  &c,  are  instantly  destroyed,  as  also 
Bugs,  Beetles,  and  every  other  Insect,  by  this 
Powder,  which  is  perfectly  harmless  to  animal  life; 
sportsmen  particularly  will,  therefore,  find  it 
invaluable. 

Sold  iu  Packets,  Is.,  2s.  fid.,  and  4s.  6<J.  each,  or 
post  free  for  14,  or  treble  size  for  36  postage  stamps, 
by  Thomas  Keating,  Chemist,  79,  St.  Paul's 
Churchyard,  London. 

Take  notice  each  genuine  packet  bears  the  above 
name  and  address. 

QAUCE.-LEA  &   PERRINS* 

O  WORCESTERSHIRE  SAUCE.  Pro- 
nounced by  Connoisseurs  to  be  "  The  only  Good 
Sauce." 

Sold  Wholesale  and  for  Export,  by  the  Proprietors, 
Worcester;  Messrs.  Ckosse  &  Blackwell, London, 
&c.  &c,  and  by  Grocers  and  Oilmen  universally. 


September  14,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


103 


Sharp  Little  Boy.  "  Oh!  I  say,  Pa!  I  know  something, — /  do." 

Papa  (encouragingly).   "  Well,  Charley,  what  is  it  ?  " 

Sharp  Little  Boy.  "  A  h !  I  knoio  why  Cousin  Tom  and  Sister  Maria  won't  eat  Onion  Set  ucc !  But  I  won't  tell, ' 'cause  Cousin  Torn  'II  lick  me  I 


M.    BLONDIN'S    BUMPS. 

In  one  of  our  cheap  contemporaries  lias  appeared  a  letter  on  the 
phrenological  and  physiological  characteristics  of  M.  Blondin,  by  a 
gentleman  whose  signature  is  Frederick  Bridges,  "  Author  of  Phre- 
nology made  Practical,"  a  compact  little  manual  of  that  science, 
embellished  with  instructive  illustrations.  Premising  a  statement  of 
the  way  in  which  he  procured  an  introduction  to  the  subject  of  his 
sketch,  Mr.  Bridges  tells  us  that : — 

"  Blondin  is  affable  and  agreeable,  without  any  of  that  stuck-up  self-importance 
so  common  to  public  men.  When  I  explained  to  him  the  object  of  my  visit,  he  at 
once  allowed  me  to  make  a  phrenological  and  physiological  examination  of  his  head 
and  general  system." 

We  are  sorry  to  find  that,  according  to  the  experience  of  Mr. 
Bridges,  a  common  characteristic  of  public  men  is  stuck-up  self- 
importance.  We  rejoice  hi  learning  that  M.  Blondin  is  an  exception 
to  the  ride.  Only  we  should  like  to  know  the  compass  within  which 
Mr.  Bridges  speaks  in  alluding  to  the  public  men  whom  he  ranks 
with  a  famous  rope-dancer.  Warriors,  statesmen,  divines,  artists, 
authors,  actors,  and  eminent  acrobats,  are  they  generally  alike  distin- 
guished by  stuck-up  self-importance,  and  by  having,  as  they  must  have, 
according  to  phrenology,  a  large  organ  of  self-esteem  ?  Dr.  Gall 
supposed  that  this  organ  was  connected,  in  animals,  with  a  tendency  to 
mount  aloft.  Some  other,  perhaps,  performs  a  similar  function  in  the 
brain  ol  M.  Blondin. 

The  following  is  the  account  given  by  Mr.  Bridges  of  M.  Blondin's 
phrenological  peculiarities : — 

"  The  formation  of  his  head  indicates  a  well-balanced  brain.  The  organs  of  eon- 
centrativeness,  constructiveness,  combativeness,  imitation,  size,  and  weight  are 
large.  Cautiousness  and  the  reflective  organs  are  also  highly  marked.  This  com- 
bination gives  cool  courage,  boldness,  circumspection,  and  calm  judgment,  and 
unity  of  action  of  the  various  organs  of  the  brain  and  general  system.  Many  per- 
sons labour  under  the  impression  that  Blondin's  feats  upon  the  rope  are  dangerous  ; 
so  they  are,  but  not  to  him.  He  is  as  much  at  home  upon  the  rope  as  the  squirrel 
is  in  its  gambols  from  tree  to  tree." 

The  organisation  above  specified  would  do  pretty  well  for  a  Sir 


Isaac  Newton,  one  woidd  think,  as  well  as  for  a  Blondin.  "  Cautious- 
ness and  the  reflective  organs  "  would  have  been  expected  by  few  to  be 
found  "  highly  marked"  in  the  head  of  a  man  accustomed  to  dance  on 
a  tight-rope  150  feet  high.  The  natural  suggestions  of  those  organs 
must,  in  such  a  case,  be  prodigiously  modified  by  the  force  of  "  com- 
bativeness" and  the  conscious  ability  of  "constructiveness,"  "size," 
and  "weight,"  to  enable  a  cautious  man  on  so  narrow  a  footing,  at 
such  an  altitude,  to  reflect  on  his  situation  without  shuddering,  and, 
consequently,  tumbling  off  his  perch.  How  about  "hope"  and  ''firm- 
ness ?  "  The  former  of  these  organs  might  be  conjectured  to  be  necessary 
to  inspire  a  person  practising  M.  Blondin's  vocation  with  confidence  in 
the  probability  of  not  breaking  his  neck,  and  the  latter  to  assist  in 
maintaining  the  steadiness  which  alone  could  avert  that  accident. 

As  things  which  are  equal  to  the  same  are  equal  to  each  other  and  as 
the  wondrous  Leotard's  performances  very  nearly  resemble  those  of 
the  astonishing  Blondin,  their  phrenological  developments  ought  to 
be  exceedingly  similar.  The  portraits,  however,  of  Leotard  exhibit  a 
type  of  head  which  can  hardly  be  much  like  Blondin's,  for  it  is  quite 
the  reverse  of  that  exhibited  by  the  bust  of  Socrates. 

Mr.  Bridges  says,  no  doubt  truly,  that  Blondin  is  as  much  at 
home  upon  the  rope  as  the  squirrel  is  inits  gambols  from  tree  to  tree. 
The  squirrel  is  an  admirable  acrobat ;  so  is  the  monkey.  Anti-phreno- 
logists may  object  that  neither  the  squirrel  nor  the  monkey  are  endowed 
with  the  cerebral  development  of  M.  Blondin.  To  this  objection, 
however,  Mr.  Bridges  may  fairly  answer  that,  as  it  takes  a  wise 
man  to  make  a  fool,  so  also  it  asks  a  philosopher  to  emulate  a 
jackanapes. 

The  announcement  that  M.  Blondin  has  a  well-balanced  brain,  will 
be  accepted  without  cavil.  That  gentleman's  brain  must  be  at  all 
times  extremely  well  balanced  to  preserve  its  balance  on  the  tight-rope. 
If,  in  that  situation,  it  were  unfortunately  to  lose  its  balance,  M. 
Blondin  woidd  inevitably  have  a  great  fall,  and  then  all  the  horses, 
and  all  the  men,  of  Her  Most  Gracious  Majesty  would  be  as  fruit- 
lessly employed  in  attempting  his  reconstitution,  as  the  stud  and  the 
retainers  of  a  former  Sovereign  were  in  the  endeavour  to  effect  that  of 
Humpty  Dujipty. 


VOL.  XII. 


M 


104 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[September  14,  1861. 


SPECIMEN  OE  LYING. 

_ T.i eke  is  a  good  story  of  a  French  soldier,  who  was  near 
his  officer  at  a  siege,  when  the  head  of  the.  latter  was  taken 
off  by  a  cannon-ball.  Eriends  of  the  officer  came  up,  and 
the  brave  soldier  said,  "  Yes,  gentlemen,  he  had  only  time 
to  say  to  me,  '  Take  my  purse  and  my  watch,  and  he  was 
dead.'  '  But  the  story  will  not  stand  alone  in  its  good- 
ness, since  the  last  news  from  America.  The  unfortunate 
General  Lyon,  according  to  the  Special  Correspondent  of 
one  of  the  New  York  papers,  "  was  shot  straight  through 
the  head.  I  asked  him  whether  he  was  hurt.  He  said, 
'  I  think  not  much/  and  those  were  his  last  words." 
Lions  are  tenacious  of  life,  and  Yankees  are  credulous  of 
lies,  but  this  will  hardly  do.  And  it  is  "  too  bad"  that  a 
brave  soldier,  killed  in  service,  should  furnish  the  subject 
of  a  ridiculous  paragraph  to  a  lying  penny-a-liner.  _  We 
don't,  wonder  that  the  New  York  Herald,  though  itself 
Mendax  in  Fxcelsis,  is  begging  the  authorities  to  put  the 
press  down. 


Passenger.  "  Well,  you  say  you're  put  all  my  Luggage  safe,  wJutt  arc  you  waiting 
for  ? — 7"  thought  you  were  forbidden  to  take  Money  t  " 

Porter.  " So  we  is,  Sir.     Wc  nevt  r  '  Id's '  it — it 's  a  'given  to  us! ' " 


A'  THE  PAVEMENT  'S  UP  AGAIN. 

BY   SANDERS  M' PUNCH. 
Tune — "  Familiar  Bagpipe." 

A'  the  pavement 's  up  again ; 

A'  the  pavement 's  up  again; 

What  for  I  dinna  ken ; 

A'  the  pavement 's  up  again ! 
Plooit,  tooit,  tooit,  tooit, 

A'  the  pavement 's  up  again ! 
Strandie  blockit,  nae  'bus  through  it, 

Muckle  stanes  the  way  to  men', 

Granite,  frae  the  mountain-glen, 

Aff  a'  the  busses  fen'. 

Ho  the  siller  Cocknies  spen'  ! 

A'  the  pavement 's  up  again  ! 

Da  capo  senzafine. 


A  Bit  of  Muscular  Christianity. 

Some  one  was  saying  that  developing  the  muscles  tended 
to  increase  firmness  of  body  as  well  as  character,  when  one 
of  the  pupils  of  Guy  Livingstone  said,  "  True,  you  must  go 
amongst  the  Mussulmen,  if  you  want  to  see  a  nrm(-m)an," 


OUR    DRAMATIC    CORRESPONDENT. 

"Dear  Punch, 

"What  with  Blondin  and  Beethoven,  flower-shows  and 
Eechter,  dejeuners  and  dances,  rowing-bouts  and  races,  Gog-and- 
Magog  bouquets  and  lectures  on  Gorillas,  conversaziones  and  Crystal 
Palace  concerts,  pic-nics  and  new  pictures,  Art  meetings  and  '  Aunt 
Sally  '  meets,  there  has  been  this  year  in  London  no  lack  of  entertain- 
ment, and  a  man  may  well  feel  blase  whose  sole  business  in  the  season 
is  merely  to  amuse  himself.  x\s  for  the  poor  critics  whose  task  it  is  to 
chronicle  the  various  amusements,  one  may  imagine  their  relief  when 
this  high-pressure  time  is  past,  and  how  thankful  they  must  feel  when 
there  is  '  nobody  in  town '  to  go  to  any  theatre,  and  therefore  to  be  told 
which  theatres  to  go  to,  After  nine  months  of  hard  work  in  seeing  all 
the  plays  produced,  and  for  national  information  commenting  thereon, 
how  gladly  must  a  critic  retire  to  some  calm  spot,  where  great  trage- 
dians are  unknown,  and  the  small  beer  of  the  Stage  is  by  no  chance 
ever  broached.  And  how  pleasant  must  it  be  to  him,  as  he  sets  forth 
in  August,  to  think  that  till  November  he  is  quite  safe  from  a  summons 
to  report  on  a  new  piece,  and  that  he  may  feel  quite  easy  in  his  con- 
science, however  far  he  may  be  lured  away  from  town. 

"My  thoughts  took  some  such  idle  flight  as  this  the  other  day,  while 
my  hands  were,  with  the  laboured  indolence  of  Englishmen,  employed, 
till  the  Times  came,  in  pitching  stones  into  the  sea,  or  building  sand- 
Sebastopols  to  amuse  my  youngest  son.  And  when  the  Times  did  come, 
I  could  scarce  believe  my  spectacles  when  I  saw  announced,  'Next 
Saturday,  a  new  and  never-acted  Comedy  ! '  A  new  comedy  now,  in 
the  first  week  of  September  !  Oh,  there  must  be  some  mistake !  '  Next 
Saturday,'  no  doubt,  has  been  misprinted  for  '  Next  Christmas.'  So  I 
bought  a  score  of  papers,  in  the  hope  to  prove  the  fact.  But  no,— hi  all 
of  them  'Next  Saturday'  stared  me  in  the  face ;  and  as  I  had  never 
before  heard  of  a  new;  comedy  in  autumn,  I  resolved,  if  it  were  only  for 
the  novelty  of  the  thing,  to  come  to  town  '  for  one  night  only,'  and  to 
see  one. 

"  The  Soft  Sex  ('  Les  Femmes  Fortes,''  as  it  was  called  in  Paris)  is  by 


no  means,  to  my  thinking,  a  condemnable  production,— or  translation 
were  perhaps  a  more  befitting  word, — although  by  some  mischance  its 
first  night  was  threatened  to  be  its  last.  But  authors  grow_  too  wise 
to  be  biassed  by  first  nights,  for  they  know  that  people  easily  are  led 
by  the  '  Noes,'  and  blindly  echo  one  another,  like  a  pack  of  geese,  when 
they  begin  to  hiss.  Still,  if  managers  are  so  lazy  as  to  let  new;  plays  be 
played  with  hardly  a  rehearsal,  they  cannot  wonder  if  an  audience  ex- 
press its  disapproval,  and  make  itself  as  disagreeable  as  it  can.  The 
plot  is  not  the  most  connected,  and  has  several  excrescences  ;  but  there 
is  enough  of  story  to  save  the  play  from  dragging,  and  several  of  the 
scenes  have  quite  enough  of  novelty  to  keep  one's  interest  well  awake. 
The  dialogue  is  brisk,  if  it  be  not  brilliant;  and  the  sprinkle  of  stage 
law  which  is  scattered  through  the  piece  will  amuse  those  junior  legal 
spiders  who  have  come  back  from  their  holiday,  and,  while  their 
seniors  enjoy  themselves,  are  left  to  mind  the  web. 

"There  is  no  tiring  vastly  novel  in  the  characters,  may  be,  but  they 
are  most  of  them  amusing  and  serve  quite  well  enough  for  the  couple  of 
hours'  acquaintance  with  them  one  enjoys.  One  certainly  would  not 
like  to  pass  much  longer  than  that  time  in  so  hot-watery  an  establish- 
ment as  that  of  Boilover  Hall,  where  the  ladies  try  to  show  the  supre- 
macy of  their  sex  by  walking  down  to  dinner  independent  of  the  gentle- 
men, to  whom  the  privilege  is  yielded  of  playing  the  piano,  aud  pouring- 
out  the  tea.  Good  specimens  are  given  of  several  of  the  species  of 
weak  strong-minded  women  by  whom  the  world  was  threatened  some 
few  years  ago  ;  from  the  oratress  who  gabbled  about  Woman's  Rights 
and  Mission,  to  the  doctress  who  had  mastered  all  the  arts  and  sciences, 
but  was  no  more  fit  to  be  the  mistress  of  a  household  than  she  was  to 
be  the  mistress  of  a  heart.  _  Moreover  there  is  no  stage  lover  in  the 
comedy ;  and  this,  considering  that  such  characters  are  at  the  Hay- 
market  invariably  handed  up  to  Mr.  Howe  (a  very  useful  actor,  but 
seen  to  more  advantage  as  John  Ironbrace,  the  blacksmith,  than  in  more 
tender  parts)  I  think  that  there  are  many  will  agree  is  no  great  loss. 
The  only  bit  of  love-making  is  knocked  off  in  five  minutes  just  when  no- 
body expects  it ;  and  as  it  takes  place  between  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Mathews, 
the  former  of  whom  is  a  wild,  whittling,  harumscarum  Californian,  who 


September  14,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVART. 


105 


does  his  courting  over  the  packing  of  a  linen  chest,  it  may  be  fancied 
that  the  scene  is  far  less  sentimental  than  it  is  grotesque. 

"  On  the  whole,  then,  the  Soft  Sex,  if  not  exactly  worth  a  journey  up 
from  Hastings,  will  quite  repay  a  ride  from  Hislington  or  Haldgate,  and 
as  the  inhabitants  of  London  in  the  months  of  Hautumn  live  mostly 
in  the  Heast,  it  is  to  them  that  I  would  hemphasise  my  hadvice  to  go. 

"  One  who  Pays." 


A    SOCIAL    SCIENTIFIC    QUESTION 

THAT  REQUIRES  A  SOCIAL  SCIENTIFIC  ANSWER. 

E  are  told,  both  on 
the  Stage,,  and  in 
the  most  select 
circles  of  Society, 
that  no  one  ever 
thinks  of  paving 
his  Tailor.  Tak- 
ing it  for  granted 
that  such  is  the 
custom  amongst 
■  gentlemen  (and 
not  being  in  the 
trade,  how  can  we 
possibly  know  any- 
thing to  the  con- 
trary ?)  we  want 
to  know  how  it  is, 
since  Tailors  are 
proverbially  never 
paid,  that  so  many 
of  them  succeed 
in  making  their 
fortunes  ?  Seem- 
ingly, they  get  rich 
upon  nothing,  and 
we  would  will- 
ingly give  them 
one  half  of  every- 
thing we  make,  if 
they  would  only 
tesete^  impart  the  secret 

to  us.  There  is  evidently  more  in  a  gentleman's  pocket  than  we,  who 
unfortunately  never  make  clothes,  or  have  them  sent  to  us  to  be 
repaired,  are  aware  of. 


POTS  IN  BROADCLOTH  AND  KETTLES  IN  PLUSH. 

Mr.  Punch  has  not  failed  to  utter  himself  on  the  great  Master  and 
Servant  question,  as  on  all  other  questions  of  the  day.  It  is  long  since, 
in  his  two  series  of  Flunkeiana  and  Servantgalism,  he  lashed  the 
immense  impudence  that  occasionally  clothed  itself  in  plush  and  pow- 
der, and  the  awfid  arrogance  that  flounces  up  and  down  the  area-steps, 
levies  blackmail  on  the  tradesmen,  cultivates  clandestine  relations  with 
the  purchasers  of  kitchen-stuff,  and  finally  discharges  itself  in  avalanches 
of  abuse  upon  unfortunate  Missuses. 

But  Mr.  Punch,  if  unmerciful,  is  impartial.  His  blows  fall  with 
Rhadamanthine  equity  on  high  and  low  alike.  He  can  no  more  satisfy 
the  sufferers  under  his  scourge  by  this  equal  distribution  of  his  favours, 
than  the  drummer  could  when,  after  doing  his  best  to  lay  the  cat  evenly 
about  the  offender's  back,  he  was  driven  to  complain,  "  Hit  high  or  low, 
there 's  no  pleasing  you."  But  no  doubt  the  drummer  himself  expe- 
rienced a  conscientious  pleasure  from  the  thought  that  the  whipcord 
had  been  laid  on  with  strict  distributive  justice.  And  so  does  Mr. 
Punch.  He  flogs  fan,  because  he  likes  it,  and  not  in  any  hope  to  meet 
the  views  of  l\is  floggees. 

So  now  that  the  tide  of  the  Times  letter-writers  sets  strong  against 
poor  Plush,  and  the  sleet  of  Paterfamilias's  scorn  drives  bitterly  into 
the  Housekeeper's  room,  let  Mr.  Punch  remind  the  sufferers  under  their 
domestic  tyrants,  whom  they  pay  and  feed  to  rule  over  them,  that  this 
question,  like  every  other,  lias  two  sides  to  it ;  that,  in  this  matter,  as 
in  others,  there  is  no  effect  without  a  cause,  and  no  effect  that  does  not 
become  a  cause  in  its  turn.  Mr.  Punch  is  free  to  confess  that  Servants 
are,  too  often,  immense  nuisances.  They  are  apt  to  be  insolent  and 
overbearing  •  saucy  and  scornful ;  forgetful  that  Plush,  like  Property, 
has  its  duties,  as  well  as  its  rights ;  wasteful  of  their  masters'  sub- 
stance; careless  of  their  employers'  comforts;  content  with  the  most 
superficial  eye-service ;  wolves  in  appetite :  peacocks  in  attire  ;  sloths 
in  service ;  and  jackdaws  in  pilfering.  Who,  like  Punch,  has  touched 
these  household  pests  on  the  raw  ? 

But  the  Masters  and  Missusses  have  their  raws  too,  though  it  is  not  so 
easy  to  touch  them,  with  pen  or  pencd.  The  plain  English  of  the  matter 
is  that  Servants  are  as  a  class,  what  Masters  and  Missusses  have  made 


them.  It  is  true,  that  as  one  black  sheep  will  scab  a  flock,  so  one  rogue 
in  livery  will  taint  the  whole  Servants'  Hall,  but  the  virus,  in  nine  cases 
out  of  ten,  comes  from  up-stairs.  Think,  my  worthy  Sir  Apricius  de 
Tabley— when  you  are  blowing-up  your  stately  twelve  feet  of  powder, 
white  choker,  canary  cloth,  cotton  lace,  and  orange  plush,  because  they 
turn  up  their  noses  at  cold  mutton,  and  find  even  the  "  plain  jints  "  of 
the  second  table  monotonous— of  the  dinner  served  up  to  you  every  day, 
and  the  fuss  you  make  about  it.  Think  of  the  position  M.  Bechamel, 
your  unequalled  chef,  holds  in  your  household,  your  affections,  and  your 
wages-account.  Think  of  the  conversation,  the  guests,  the  "  walks  and 
ways"  at  your  own  table,  and  then  honestly  ask  yourself  whether,  when 
Master  is  doing  such  daily  devotion  to  Saint  Belly,  you  have  any  right  to 
scold  John  Thomas  for  bowing  before  the  same  altar,  and  making  his 
humble  offering  in  the  Servants'  Hall,  to  the  saint  whom  his  master  n 
on  his  knees  to,  two  good  hours  daily,  in  the  costly  rites  of  the  dining- 
room  ? 

And  you,  Most  Noble  Grace  of  Fitz-Plantagenet,  who  stand 
aghast  at  the  insolence  of  that  creature — your- maid,  Minnikin  !  Can't 
you  guess  where  she  got  that  trick  of  carrying  her  nose  so  high  ?  Do 
you  suppose  her  perquisites  are  confined  to  your  Grace's  cast-off  gowns 
and  laces — that  she  can  wear  these  without  catching,  in  a  second-hand 
way,  the  ailments  of  the  original  proprietor  ?  If  you  look  on  yourself 
as  the  Sevres  of  society,  what  right  have  you  to  be  savage  when  she 
assumes  to  be  its  Worcester  or  best  Staffordshire  stoneware  ?  If  she 
isn't  the  rose  she  has  lived  too  near  to  the  rose  not  to  catch  a  faint 
reflection  of  its  superfine  scent  and  aristocratic  colour.  You  ought 
to  know  that  sneering  is  as  contagious  as  small-pox,  and  that  scorn- 
fulness  and  self-love  can  no  more  be  kept  to  oneself  than  scald-head. 

Instead  of  discharging  their  vials  of  wrath  against  the  Servants' 
Hall,  suppose  people  set  to  work  diligently  to  disinfect  their  dining 
and  drawing-rooms  ?  How,  I  ask,  is  Jeames  to  respect  the  dignity  of 
labour,  when  my  Lord  Lollington,  behind  whose  chariot  he  clings 
with  his  twin  colossus,  shaking  awfully  as  to  calves,  glories  in  being 
the  laziest  of  human  beings  ?  When  young  Cibberwright  is  groaning 
over  the  crumpled  roseleaf  which  that  abandoned  housemaid  has  left  in 
his  mattrass,  has  he  any  right  to  lift  his  eyebrows  because  young  Cib- 
berwright's  own  man  is  indignant  at  being  put  into  a  bed  without 
curtains  ? 

Do  you  suppose  those  glorious  armies  of  flunkeys  which  manoeuvre 
round  dinner-tables  can  be  trained  to  stop  their  ears,  as  easfly  as  they 
can  to  keep  down  then:  grins  and  guffaws — that  they  don't  hear  and 
ponder  what  the  people  whose  plates  they  are  changing  praise  and 
believe  in,  and  laugh  at,  and  are  interested  about.  Remember  that 
Master  and  Missus  think  nothing  of  being  seen  e>l  deshabille  by  the 
butler  or  the  housekeeper.  As  man  and  woman  too  is  an  imitative 
animal,  can  we  wonder  that  the  face  should  be  occasionally  mimicked 
instead  of  the  mask — the  real  Master  or  Missus  instead  of  the  company 
one  ?  Remember  too  that  Mr.  Butler  or  Mrs.  Housekeeper  is  bound  to 
you  by  no  legal  tie  but  wages.  If  there  is  to  be  any  other  bond  between 
up-stairs  and  down,  it  must  be  one  of  Master's  or  Missus's  making. 

The  sum  and  substance  of  the  matter,  in  Mr.  Punch's  notion,  comes 
to  this : — Tell  me  what  the  Masters  are,  and  I  will  give  a  shrewd  guess 
at  the  Servants.  Show  me  a  picture  of  the  Drawing-Room,  and  I  will 
find  you  a  faithful  reflection  of  it  in  the  Servants'  Hall — mutatis  mutandis, 
of  course,  but  with  the  balance  of  light  and  shade  very,  very  much  the 
same.  When  luxuriousness,  show,  parade,  pretention,  selfishness, 
worldliness,  and  veneer,  in  all  fashions,  rule  above-stairs,  what  right 
have  we  to  expect  that  frugality,  simplicity,  diligence,  humility,  faith- 
fulness, and  "the  genuine  article,"  should  be  the  staple  commodities  of 
the  area-level  ? 


SHEFFIELD'S  POLITICAL  J.  A.  R. 

We  copy  the  following  from  the  Sheffield  speech  of  Mr.  Roebuck, 
as  it  is  reported  in  the  Morning  Star : — 

"  There  was  a  thing  (Punch)  much  bandied  about  that  day,  in  which  the  Emperor 
of  Austria  is  represented  as  having  run  away  with  the  dog  '  Tearem ; '  but  had  he 
run  away  with  the  dog  ?  was  not  he  here — (laughter) — and  what  had  the  Emperor 
of  Austria  done  to  make  him  carry  him  away?" 

Mr.  Roebuck  is  pleased  to  call  Mr.  Punch  "  a  thing."  The  retort 
is  scarcely  so  powerful  as  we  shoidd  have  expected,  and,  moreover,  we 
believe  "  a  thing"  is  generally  a  term  of  sarcasm  used  by  women  when 
in  a  rage.  We  are  not  angry,  oidy  disappointed.  We  will  not  retali- 
ate. In  short,  to  please  our  John  Arthur,  whom  in  former  days  we 
have  greatly  admired,  we  will  consent  to  be  called  "  a  thing  ;  "  and  if, 
in  return,  we  are  asked  what  is  our  opinion  of  Mr.  Roebuck,  we  will 
be  perfectly  content  to  say  "  No-thing." 


American  Unity. 

Mrs.  Stowe  has  published  a  long  and  grandiose  letter  to  an  English 
nobleman  on  American  affairs.  It  is  dated  before  "  the  rapid  move- 
ment" of  Bull's  Run,  and  the  lady  observes  that  "the  North  rose  like 
one  man."  Would  she  kindly  mention  what  man,  and  also  why  he  ran 
away  like  one  woman. 


PUNCH, 


LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[September  14,  18G1. 


REAL    ENJOYMENT. 

Charley  (who  is  wet  through  for  the  ninth  time).  "  Oh,  Ma  !  We've  been  so  Jolly!  We've 
been  Filling  one  another's  Hair  with  Sand,  and  making  Boats  of  our  Boots,  and 
having  such  fun  !  " 


NAPOLEON  TO  NONO. 

On  the  Roe  of  the  Removal  of  the  French  Army 
from  Rome. 

Holy  Father,  ere  we  part, 
Take,  oh  !  take  my  words  to  heart ; 
Aud  if  they  disturb  thy  rest. 
Think  them  uttered  for  the  best. 
Hear  my  counsel  ere  I  go  : 
Shut  up  shop,  Pio  Nono  ! 

By  thy  Saints,  whose  pictures  wink 
While  thou  art  on  destruction's  brink : 
By  thy  priests,  who  in  their  sleeve 
Deride  thee,  though  they  feign  to  grieve  : 
By  thy  "friends"  I  bid  thee  go, 
Shut  up  shop,  Pio  Nono  ! 

By  thy  brigands  unconfined, 

Raisers  of  the  papal  wind : 

By  the  hate  their  deeds  have  sown 

For  thee,  and  for  thy  rotten  throne  : 

By  thy  foes  I  hid  thee  go, 

Shut  up  shop,  Pio  Nono  ! 

By  thy  want  of  common  sense, 

By  thy  lack  of  Peter's  pence ; 

By  the  cropper  thou  wilt  come 

When  French  support  is  ordered  home, 

Away  thy  temporal  power  throw : 

Shut  up  shop,  Pio  Nono  ! 

Holy  Father,  when  I  'm  gone, 

Fly  to  England  quick,  alone : 

Hire  a  cosy  lodging  there, 

A  three-pair  back  in  Leicester  Square  : 

There  at  thine  ease  thy  'bacca  blow, 

And  die  in  peace,  Pio  Nono  ! 


What  way  will  the  Pneumatic  Railway  go  ? 
Why  of  course,  through  Hollo(w)way. 


BOYS  PLAYING  AT  BLOODSHED. 

One  would  think  that  a  battle-field  was  a  playground,  and  that  a 
battle  was  somewhat  of  the  nature  of  a  game  at  football,  judging  from 
the  sportive  manner  in  which  the  horrors  of  war  are  generally  narrated 
by  the  gentlemen  who  witness  them.  For  instance,  in  describing  the 
battle  of  Springfield,  a  correspondent  of  the  Missouri  Democrat  thus 
writes : — 

"  The  enemy  came  fresh  and  deceived  our  men  by  bearing  a  Union  flag,  causing 
them  to  believe  Sigel  was  about  making  a  junction  with  our  forces.  Discovering 
the  ruse  just  in  time,  our  gallant  boys  rushed  upon  the  enemy,  who,  with  four 
cannon  belching  forth  loud  mouthed  thunder,  were  on  the  point  of  having  their 
efforts  crowned  with  success,  and  again  drove  them  with  great  loss  down  the  slope 
on  the  south  side  of  the  hill." 

"Our  gallant  boys  rushed  upon  the  enemy."  Why  "boys"?  Is 
reciprocal  slaughter  and_  mutilation  child's-play  ?  Do  martial  com- 
batants thrust  bayonets  into  one  another's  stomachs,  and  shoot  each 
other  through  the  chest  with  rifle  bullets,  knock  off  their  adversaries' 
heads  and  limbs  and  get  their  own  knocked  off  with  cannon-balls,  and 
exchange  bombshells  by  which,  on  either  side,  they  are  ripped  up  and 
torn  to  pieces,  for  fun  ?  Are  bleeding  gashes,  crushed  limbs,  scattered 
brains  merely  the  diverting  incidents  of  a  juvenile  pastime  ?  If  so,  well 
and  good ;  if'  not,  why  "boys  ?  " 

_  When  a  collision  occurs  in  a  tunnel,  ox  when  an  engine  runs  off  the 
line,  and,  two  or  three  carriages  being  hurled  down  an  embankment 
some  ten  or  twenty  passengers  are  consequently  smashed  to  death,  and 
three  or  four  times  as  many  are  dismembered  and  lacerated,  do  we  call 
the  victims  and  sufferers  "boys"  and  "girls?"  If  not,  why  not,  so 
long  as  it  is  usual  to  describe  as  "boys  "  adult  men  engaged  in  inflicting 
and  receiving  injuries  which  are  precisely  similar  if  not  more  horrible. 

Is  there,  amongst  the  mass  of  people,  a  gregarious  kind  of  tacit 
understanding  that  warfare  and  its  occurrences  shall  he  ordinarily 
mentioned,  related,  and  alluded  to,  in  a  vein  of  merriment,  a  light  semi- 
jocular  style,  characterised  by  that  sort  of  playful  fondness  "for  com- 
patriot-belligerents which  is  evinced  in  calling  them  "boys?"  Is  it 
generally  felt  that  such  levity  of  expression  in  narratives  of  military 
carnage  is  advisable  for  the  mutual  encouragement  of  those  who  may  be 
called  upon  to  engage  in  it  or  to  contribute  to  its  expenses  ?  The  idea, 
involved  in  the  term  "  boys  "  applied  to  troops  in  action,  that  war  is 
only  a  plucky  puerile  game,  certainly  suggests  quite  a  cheerful  view  of 
an  employment  which  consists  in  the  interchange  of  diabolical  outrages. 


It  docs  not  appear  to  he  thought  expedient  to  call  a  man  who  goes  to 
the  stake,  or  the  hlock,  for  his  creed  or  his  country,  a  "boy."  Phy- 
sicians who  risk  their  lives  in  combating  a  pestilence,  are  not  deemed 
suitable  persons  to  be  denominated  "boys."  An  army-surgeon  who 
coolly  operates  under  fire,  and  thus  shows  more  courage  than  anybody 
else  in  the  regiment,  is  the  last  person  in  it  that  anybody  would  think 
of  styling  a  "boy."  It  is  therefore  not  necessary  to  the  exertion  of 
bravery  that  men' should  be  cheered  on  to  run  into  the  camion's  mouth 
with  the  thoughtless  impetuosity  inspiring  the  sort  of  hero  who  is 
commonly  called  a  "  boy,"  but  might  with  much  greater  propriety  be 
called  a  fool. 

Anybody  endowed  with  both  bravery  and  brains  must  object  as  much 
to  being  termed  a  "boy"  as  Coriolanus  did.  Juvenile  boxers,  at 
Eton  and  elsewhere,  may  well  enough  be  applauded  as  "  brave  boys  ; " 
but  in  the  word  "  boy"  applied  to  a  grown  soldier,  and  in  all  the  rest 
of  the  sprightly  cant  which  disguises  war's  realities,  there  lurks  a  very 
despicable  and  disgusting  humbug. 


ITALIAN    THEATRICALS. 


Until  further  notice, 

THE      BRIGAND. 

To  be  followed  by 

THE       VOLUNTEERS, 

To  Conclude  with 

FINISH     HIM     OFF! 

Vivat  Victor  Emmanuel!'] 


[Priests  i)i  Arms  not  permitted. 


VERY   THOUGHTFUL  IN   HIM. 


A  Quack  pamphleteer,  trading  on  recent  accidents,  announces  "  The 
Coming  Fire."  It  will  come  towards  the  end  of  October,  we  suppose, 
(at  least  cold  evenings  generally  do)  and  then  his  pamphlet  will  also 
come  in  handy  enough.  He  is  a  philanthropist,  but  let  his  paper  be 
well  dried,  as  there  is  not  a  greater  bore  than  trying  to  light  wood  with 
damp  pages. 


Q 

w 

D 
fed 

Si 

o 

o 

o 
W 
t> 

fed 
i — i 

<l 
t> 
fed 


September  14,  1861.] 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON"    CHARIVARI. 


109 


INHOSP1TALITY    TO    PUNCH. 

assionately  indignant,  yet  not 
less  in  sorrow  than  in  anger, 
we  cut  the  subjoined  para- 
graph out  of  a  newspaper  : — • 

"  Punch  and  Judy  at  a  Dis- 
count in  Oxford. — On  Thursday 
evening  the  proprietor  of  a  Punch 
and  Judy  establishment  announced 
at  the  close  of  his  performances 
in  the  High  Street  that,  after  ob- 
taining the  very  gracious  permis- 
sion of  the  Right  Worshipful  the 
Mayor  to  perform  'for  one  day, 
and  for  one  day  only,'  his  receipts 
amounted  to  threepence,  which  he 
intended  to  spend  in  cakes  for 
Toby,  after  which  he  should  leave 
this  ancient  and  loyal  city  with 
disgust,  and  betake  himself  to 
Whitney,  Woodstock,  Banbury,  or 
some  such  spirited  places,  where 
the  people  had  sense  to  appreciate, 
and  means  to  encourage  native 
talent." 

We  are  sorry  for  the  bad 
taste  of  the  Oxford  public, 
exhibited  in  their  insensibibty 
to  the  attractions  of  the 
Drama,  that  is  to  say,_  that 
Drama  which  is  the  chief  of 
all  Dramas,  and  which  the 
most  enthusiastic  adorer  of 
the  divine  Williams  himself  must  acknowledge  to  be  A 1.  Our 
anger  we  hereby  vent  on  the  head  of  the  unintelligent  Magistrate 
sarcastically  above  described  as  the  Right  Worshipful  the  Mayor, 
who  can  have  no  more  right  to  be  worshipped  than  an  old  image.  Any 
well-constituted  image,  indeed,  would  have  displayed  more  sympathy 
with  Punch  and  Judy  than  the  little  which  was  evinced  by  the  worse 
than  wooden  civic  justice  who  limited  their  performance  to  one  day 
only.  Nobody  can  be  regarded  as  a  man  of  worship  who  has  himself 
no  veneration  for  established  institutions,  among  which  one  of  the 
most  generally  esteemed  and  acknowledged  is  Punch  and  Judy's 
Show. 

The  Mayor  of  Oxford  must  henceforth  figure  in  our  street  drama 
along  with  the  Churchwarden,  the  Constable,  Jack  Ketch,  and  the 
other  adversaries  whom  Punch  demobshes  previous  to  his  final  triumph 
over  the  enemy  of  Man. 


CROWNER'S  QUEST  QUERIES. 

Some  of  those  who  are  honoured  by  being  our  contemporaries  have 
been  making  some  rather  severe  remarks  upon  the  sort  of  questioning 
in  which  divers  Attorneys  (begging  the  world's  pardon  for  using  such 
a  word  during  holidays  when  peace  and  happiness  should  prevail) 
indulge  themselves,  and  earn  their  pay,  before  a  Coroner's  Jury.  Our 
contemporaries  allege  that  some  of  these  persons  ask  questions  of  a 
ridiculous  character,  and  are  evidently  bent  upon  getting  a  reputation 
for  keenness  and  perseverance,  rather  than  upon  eliciting  truth.  Mr. 
Punch,  who  defends  the  Attorneys  upon  all  occasions,  is  grieved  to 
read  such  charges,  and  declares  them  to  be  wholly  unfounded.  If 
Attorneys  go  on  in  the  following  kind  of  way,  for  instance,  it  is  arro- 
gance in  the  non-professional  mind  to  suppose  that  the  legal  mind  has 
not  some  subtle  intent,  and  to  doubt  that  it  is  plunging  headlong  into 
the  well  at  the  bottom  of  which  Truth  is  known  to  Me. 

Owley  Shunter  examined.  Is  a  pointsman.  Is  twenty-nine  years 
of  age.    Was  born  in  Hertfordshire. 

Mr.  Squiggle.  Why  do  you  wear  a  velveteen  coat  ? 

Witness.  To  keep  me  warm,  Sir. 

Mr.  S.  I  appeal  to  the  Court  against  the  insolence  of  this  hireling. 

Coroner.  Well,  I  don't  see  the  insolence.  Would  you  have  him  say 
he  wears  it  to  keep  himself  cold  ? 

Mr.  S.  If  you,  Sir,  take  part  with  a  recalcitrant  witness,  you  shall 
hear  of  it  in  the  Queen's  Bench. 

Coroner.  Go  on,  Mr.  Sqtjiggles. 

Mr.  S.  I  will  not  be  dictated  to,  Sir,  in  the  conduct  of  my  case. 

Mr.  Wriggles.  Nobody  dictates  to  my  friend,  and  if  they  did,  I  don't 
suppose  he  could  write  from  dictation. 

Mr.  Squiggles.  Hold  your  tongue.  Witness,  you  said  that  you  were 
born  in  Hertfordshire.    Now,  be  careful.    How  do  you  know  that  ? 

Witness.  Mother  always  told  me  so,  Sir. 

Mr.  S.  We  don't  want  to  know  what  your  mother  told  you.  If  she 
had  told  you  your  duty  you  would  not  have  been  here.  Why  were  you 
born  in  Hertfordshire  ? 

Witness.  I  really  don't  know,  Sir. 


Would  you  travel  at 


How  dare  you  use  such 
beg  pardon,  a  Court  of 


Mr.  S.  I  dare  say  not.  It  is  of  a  piece  with  the  rest  of  your  igno- 
rance. Now,  your  business  is  to  attend  to  railway  trains.  Who 
invented  railways  ? 

Witness.  Can't  say,  Sir.    He  were  a  cleverer  man  nor  you  and  I. 
Mr.  S.  Speak  for  yourself,  Sir,  if  you  please.    You  are  a  pointsman. 
What  is  a  point  ? 

Mr.  Wriggles.  Do  you  expect  this  man  to  be  able  to  give  yon  a  defi- 
nition out  of  Euclid  ? 
Mr.  S.  I  expect  you  to  be  able  to  hold  your  tongue. 

Witness.  Is  it  a  pint,  Sir  ? 

Mr.  S.  Call  it  so,  in  your  vulgar  tongue,  if  you  like. 

Witness.  Well,  Sir,  a  pint 's  half  a  quart. 

Mr.  S.  I  ask  that  this  witness  may  instantly  be  committed. 

Coroner.  He  does  not  understand  you. 
Mr.  S.  He  will  not,  knowing  how  to  please  his  masters. 
Mr.  Wriggles.  That  is  a  coarse  imputation,  which  means  that  my 
friend  is  vindictive  because  he  failed  to  obtain,  employment  from  those 
he  would  insult. 

Coroner.  The  time  of  the  jury,  to  say  nothing  of  my  own,  ought  not 
to  be  wasted  in  personalities.     Go  on. 

Mr.  S.  Pointsman,  do  you  think  that  a  railway  train  ought  to  travel 
ninety  miles  an  hour  ? 

Witness.  Rather  you  was  hi  her  than  me,  Sir. 

Mr.  S.  I  don't  want  your  predilections,  1  want  your  evidence. 

Witness.  Never  heard  of  such  travelling,  Sir. 

Mr.  S.  I  don't  care  what  you  have  heard,  I  tell  you.  Answer  the 
question. 

Witness.  I  'd  be  sorry  to  be  in  her,  Sir. 

Mr.  S.  Keep  your  sorrows  to  yourself,  Sir 
such  a  pace  ? 

Witness.  Not  without  I  were  obliged,  Sir. 

Mr.  S.  What  do  you  mean  by  "without." 
language  in  a  Court  of  Justice?  {Bitterly?)  I 
Inquiry. 

Coroner.  He  means  "unless."  You  have  your  answer,  Mr.  Sqtjiggles. 

Mr.  S.  I  will  stand  here  until  Christmas,  Sir,  but  I  will  have  my 
answer  from  the  witness's  own  lips.  However,  I  will  recur  to  this 
point.    Witness,  have  you  a  family  ? 

Witness.  No,  Sir. 

Mr.  S.  Do  you  wish  to  have  a  family  ? 

Witness.  Well,  that 's  as  it  may  be.  A  family  is  sometimes  a  blessing, 
and  sometimes  I've  heard  it 's  quite  the  reverse  like,  but  we  must  take 
what 's  sent  us,  the  good  with  the  bad,  I  expect. 

Mr.  S.  This  fencing  with  the  question  is  perfectly  offensive.  I  ask 
you  whether  you  wish  for  a  family  ? 

Witness.  Well,  I'll  put  it  to  you,  Sir,  whether • 

Mr.  S.  You  '11  do  nothing  of  the  kind,  Sir.    Answer  the  question. 

Witness.  Twenty-two  shillings  a- week,  Sir,  ain't  much. 

Mr.  S.  That  is  matter  of  opinion.    When  I  was  a  clerk 

Coroner.  Deeply  interesting  as  your  autobiography  would  be  in  a 
two-sMlling  railway  volume,  Mr.  Sqtjiggles,  may  I  suggest  that  at 
this  stage  of  the  inquiry  we  might  advantageously  postpone  it.     Go  on. 

Mr.  S.  You  shall  hear  of  this  in  the  Queen's  Bench,  Sir.  Witness, 
do  you  sleep  well  at  night  ? 

Witness.  I  am  told  so,  Sir. 

Mr.  S.  I  tell  you  once  more,  don't  tell  me  what  you  are  told.  Do 
you  sleep  well  at  nights  ? 

Witness.  Depends  on  what  I  've  had  for  supper,  Sir. 

Mr.  S.  More  equivocation.  Now  I  don't  ask  that  question  without 
a  reason. 

Mr.  Wriggles.  I  'm  glad  to  hear  that. 

Mr.  S.  Keep  your  insolent  imputations  to  yourself.  If  this  man  does 
not  sleep  well  at  night,  he  must  be  drowsy  in  the  day-time,  and  if  I  can 
fix  him  with  that  peculiarity,  I  think  I  shall  make  you  laugh  on  the 
wrong  side  of  your  mouth. 

Mr.  Wriggles.  My  mouth  has  no  wrong  side,  but  my  friend  may  find 
that  my  tongue  has  a  rough  side. 

Coroner.  Gentlemen,  tempusfuglt.    Go  on. 

Mr.  S.  Pointsman,  what  is  your  opinion  as  to  gauges  ? 

Witness.  Well,  Sir,  if  they  are  ripe,  I  like  'em,  but  they  have  been 
scarce  this  year,  likewise  plums. 

Mr.  S.  The  hopeless  imbecility  of  this  witness  speaks  volumes  for  the 
wisdom  of  those  who  employ  him. 

Mr.  Wriggles.  My  friend  has  spoken  several  volumes  since  we  began, 
but  I  shall  say  nothing  about  their  wisdom. 

Coroner.  Gentlemen,  go  on. 

Mr.  S.  I  shall,  at  the  present_  stage,  ask  this  witness  only  one  other 
question,  but  he  is  not  to  be  spirited  out  of  the  way,  as  I  shall  want 
him  again. 

Witness.  I  never  touch  spirits,  Sir. 

Mr.  S.  0,  I  dare  say.  I  wouldn't  be  a  glass  of  rum  in  your  way. 
Now,  Mr.  Temperance,  answer  this.  What  is  the  average  gradient 
of  the  sleepers  on  your  line,  deducting  cradles,  and  allowing  metals  for 
rolling-stock  ?    Take  your  time,  and  be  careful,  Sir. 

At  this  point  the  inquiry  was  adjourned,  for  the"twenty-third  time. 


110 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[September  14,  1861. 


Yachting  Man.  "Well.  I  always  said  you  were  a  plucky  fellow,  Splinter ;  hut  really, 

now,  I  did  not  give  you  credit " 

Splinter  (not  displeased).  "  How  do  you  mean  ?  " 

Yachting  Man.  "  Why,  with  your  Spars  to  put  out  in  such  a  Gale  o'  Wind  as  this." 


ANCIENT  AND  MODERN  QUACKS. 

The  Builder  says  that  among  the  relics  of  the  ancient 
Romans  who  inhabited  Uriconium,  lately  dug  up  at 
Wroxeter,  is  included  "  an  advertising  medium  of  one 
of  their  quack  doctors."  According  to  our  constructive 
contemporary  : — 

"  There  is  a  stamp  bearing  a  Latin  inscription  to  the  follow- 
ing effect : — '  The  Dialibanum  of  Tiberius  Claudius,  the  phy- 
sician, for  all  complaints  of  the  eyes,  to  be  used  with  egg." 

The  likeness  between  ancient  and  modern  quackery, 
evidenced  by  the  foregoing  specimen  of  an  antique 
Roman  puff,  is  striking.  A  hard  name,  which,  stand- 
ing alone,  might  be  supposed  to  have  been  coined  in 
the  mint  of  a  British  patent-medicine-monger,  is  given 
to  the  specific  advertised.  It  is  alleged  to  be  a  remedy 
for  all  complaints  of  the  eyes,  without  exception.  The 
proprietor  styles  himself  "the  physician,"  exactly,  no 
doubt,  as  our  worthy  friend  Griffiths  Jones,  now  in 
trouble  on  the  charge  of  having  forged  a  will,  dubbed 
himself  doctor,  and  as  other  impostors,  unfortunately 
at  large,  also  pretend  to  a  medical  degree,  which,  it 
they  have  any  such  thing,  was  bought  at  a  disreputable 
German  University.  Then  the  quack  calls  himself 
Tiberius  Claudius.  He  was  of  course  as  much  a 
member  of  the  family  of  the  Claudii  as  the  fellow 
whose  vile  puffs  pollute  so  many  of  our  contempo- 
raries, especially  the  country  papers,  is  connected  with 
that  which  is  the  oldest  in  the  English  Peerage.  As  of 
old,  so  now,  Quack  is  Quack  and  Rogue  is  Rogue, 
self-branded  with  the  same  indications  of  infamy  all 
the  world  over. 


Mr. 


A   Gratis   Suggestion. 

Punch  wonders  why  in  these  imitative  days- 


nobody  has  taken  a  hint  from  the  queer  title  of  one 
remarkable  book,  "  Why  Paul  Ferroll  killed  /lis  Wife." 
Coidd  not  a  good  Adelphi  farce  be  founded  on  the 
inquiry  "  Why  Paul  Bedford  killed  his  Pig." 


A  REFORMER  WHERE   LEAST   EXPECTED. 

Might  we  inqmre  what  has  become  of  the  Financial 
Reform  Association  ?  The  only  surviving  member  of  it 
seems  to  be  the  Sultan,  for  he  is  apparently  the  only 
person  of  the  present  day  who  is  going  in  seriously 
for  financial  reforms. 


Patience  is  a  female  vutue,  nowhere  so  conspicuous 
as  at  the  dressing-table. 


BOSH  PROM  THE  BALTIC. 

It  is  said  that  the  King  of  Sweden,  Charles  the  Fifteenth,  has 
been  induced  by  our  Elected  friend  the  Pamphleteer  of  Paris  to  enter 
into  an  alliance,  offensive  and  defensive,  with  France.  That  the  King's 
late  visit  to  the  Pamphleteer  had  this  object,  and  that  in  order  to  make 
things  look  serene,  King  Charles  ran  over  to  London,  and  received 
the  cold  shoulder  from  our  Court,  which  was  up  to  the  dodge.  That 
Lord  Palmerston,  being  somehow  compelled  to  attend  a  dinner  at 
the  Swedish  ambassador's,  at  which  Rex  Avas  present,  was  "icy,"  and 
actually  cut  the  King,  who  was  very  nearly  pitching  into  the  Constable. 
Now,  it  is  permitted  to  the  world  to  believe  as  much,  or  as  bttle  as  it 
likes,  of  the  details  of  this  history,  but  Mr.  Punch  is  happy  to  state  that 
Earl  Russell,  in  order  to  provide  a  counterpoise  against  the  new 
alliance,  and  to  secure  an  equivalent  friend  for  England,  has  concluded 
an  albaiice  offensive  and  defensive,  with  his  Majesty  King  H.  P.  W. 
Fum,  the  King  of  the  Cannibal  Islands,  who  has  solemidy  promised  to 
eat  all  the  Swedish  prisoners  wc  may  take  in  the  war,  provided  we  send 
a  sound_  Swedish  turnip  with  each  individual,  as  the  King  is  particular 
about  his  vegetables.  Ha!  ha!  Sweden  turn  against  us,  Northmen ! 
we  '11  have  better  evidence  before  we  believe  that,  and  in  the  meantime 
we  say  ha!  ha!  once  more,  and  pledge  "a  Brage-Beaker  to  the 
Swedes." 


Anecdote  Quite  Fresh  from  Vienna. 

(Per  the  Trieste  and  Gahvay  line,  that  is  to  be.) 

A  Courtier  was  decrying  Mr.  Roebuck  in  the  presence  of  the 
Emperor  of  Austria,  when  the  latter  indignantly  rebuked  him  by 
saying,  "  No— no — if  you  love  me,  love  my  clog." 


OMINOUS  ! 

"  We  have  heard  (we  cannot  say  what  truth  is  in  the  rumour)  that  a 
hunt  was  made  last  week  in  the  palace  of  the  Vatican,  which  ended  in 
the  finding  of  not  one  single  rat  !  The  hunt  was  followed  high  and 
low,  from  "the  cellars  to  the  garrets,,  but  not  one  creature  of  the  species 
in  quest  could  be  discovered.  It  was,  however,  ascertained,  by  ques- 
tioning the  neighbours,  that  large  numbers  of  the  animals  had  been 
recently  observed  hurrying  out  of  holes  at  the  bottom  of  the  building ; 
and  as  most  of  the  emigrants  had  brought  their  children  with  them,  it 
was  surmised  that  they  had  no  intention  of  return. 

"  There  is  a  proverb  about  rats  being  said  to  leave  a  falbng  house ; 
but  whether  this  saying  be  verified  in  the  case  which  we  have  men- 
tioned, we  at  present  wait  the  opportunity  to  learn."— Special  Corre- 
spondent of  " Le  Canard"  French  Paper. 


All  the  Difference,  by  Gum ! 

Scene — A  most  elegant  shop  in  Piccadilly. 

A  Vulgar  Customer  {evidently).  No— no— no— these  are  not  the  kind 
of  envelopes.    I  tell  you  I  waut  some  adhesive  ones. 

Aristocratic  Shopman  {tenderly  chiding  Jam).  You  must  excuse  me, 
Sir.  It  is  an  article  we  do  not  keep — it  is  so  very  seldom  called  for. 
(In  a  tone  of  the  gentlest  correction)  Our  customers,  Sir,  never  use 
anything  but  wax !  [Politely  shows  him  to  the  door. 

Proper  Precaution.— "The  Federal  Army  is  to  be  uniformed  in 
blue."  So  says  the  last  mail.  It  is  a  step  in  the  right  direction,  as 
blue  does  not  run. 


September  14,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


ill 


FROM    OUR    SENSITIVE    CONTRIBUTOR. 

"  Boulogne-upon-the-Sea. 
ear  Mr.  Punch,  I  can  hardly  hurt 
myself  to  write  in  reply  to 
what  I  must  call  your  heart- 
less letter,  suggesting  that 
there  are  pens  and  ink  in 
France,  and  that  literary 
composition  may  be  trans- 
mitted by  the  post.  Perhaps 
a  severe  course  of  novel- 
reading  here  may  have  ren- 
dered me  more  open  than 
usual  to  the  softer  emotions, 
but  I  assure  you  that  if  I 
had  not  had  my  mouth  full 
of  shrimps  (sauterelles,  they 
call  them  here)  when  I  opened 
your  letter,  it  would  have 
brought  the  tears  into  my 
eyes.  I  admit  that  the  Bank- 
note was  crisp  and  hand- 
some, but,  to  adopt  the  lan- 
guage of  one  of  the  authors 
who  are  helping  me  to  kill  a 
fortnight  or  so,  '  little  do  the 
haughty  aristocrats  compre- 
hend our  sensations,  when 
they  think  to  smother  our 
wounded  feelings  in  a  snow- 
shower  of  Bank-paper.'  You- 
are  at  liberty  to  try  the  ex- 
periment, however,  Mr. 
Punch,  for  sufferance  is  the 
badge  of  all  our  tribe. 
"Sir,  there  are  pens  and  ink  in  Prance,  and  literary  composition  may  be  transmitted  by  the 
post  (and  I  wish  that  you  would  have  your  literary  compositions  properly  weighed  before 
posting  them,  as  it  is  extremely  objectionable  to  find  '  insufficiently  stamped '  on  one's  letters, 
and  'Postage,  one  franc,'  in  one's  bills  ;  mind  that),  and  so  far  the  Court  is  quite  with  you,  as 

the  Judge  said  to  the  stammering  barrister  who  began  with,  'My  unfortunate  client ' 

"  But  I  have  come  here  for  my  health,  and  I  am  not  in  the  least  inclined  to  destroy  the 
good  effect  which  the  tough  meat,  ungenerous  wines,  and  liquid  odours  of  Prance  are  pro- 
ducing on  my  frame.  I  shall  not  send  'literary  composition,'  and  what  in  the  world  has 
made  you  so  precious  flue  that  you  can't  call  it  '  copy '  ?  1  know  that  London,  just  now,  is 
given  over  to  Snobs,  and  that  Snobs  love  words  as  long  as  their  ears  ;  but  I  did  not  expect 
you  to'grow  genteel.  Literary  composition,  indeed  !  Do  you  expect  me  to  acknowledge  the 
tin  as  '  pecuniary  compensation '  ?  I  think  you  had  better  come  over  here  for  c  periodical 
relaxation,'  you  stuck-up  old  Bloater  !  _ 

"  Sir,  you  '11  have  no  copy.  And,  Sir,  if  you  want  to  know  why,  I  will  tell  you.  Because 
I  have  no  time  to  write  any.  And,  as  you  may  wish  for  details,  here  is  a  diluted  page  from 
my  diary,  scribbled  while  I  finish  my  last  cigar,  and,  in  a  state  of  vHmsn-deshabille,  all  but 
Paradisaical  (there 's  a  long  word  for  you,  Bloater)  cool  for  my  spring-mattrass  : — 

"  Up  at  eight.  As  I  am  growing  a  moustache,  I  save  the  time  I  used  to  waste  in  shaving. 
Look  out  at  the  window,  and  wonder  when  it  will  be  high-water.  Abuse  those  tinkling 
bells  round  the  horses' necks.  What  a  fool  that  lover  is  in  ShaxspearewIio  says  he  is 
'  avized '  to  give  a  woman  '  music  o'  mornings ' !  Nothing  is  more  irritating!  and  out  of 
place,  except  music  in  the  evenings.  N.B.  Very  glad  to  read  in  Spohr's  Life  (don't  spell  it 
Sphor,  if  you  print  this)  that  he  abused  Beethoven's  music.  I  do  the  same.  Get  down 
to  breakfast  at  nine,  earlier  or  later,  because  there  is  a  young  lady  with  a  handsome  fortune 
staying  at  my  hotel,  and  I  try  to  encounter  her  as  she  also  goes  down  to  breakfast.  She  is 
in  No.  37. 

"  Prom  nine  to  ten,  breakfast.  Letters  to  be  read,  including  heartless  ones  hinting  at 
literary  composition.  By  the  way,  I  foolishly  got  a  notion,  one  day,  that  my  letters  at 
Chambers  were  accumulating,  and  might  be  important ;  so  wrote  to  a  friend  to  look  over 
them,  and  send  me  what  I  ought  to  see.  He  was  away,  and  sent  Ms  friend,  who  didn't  like 
to  open  anything,  and  inclosed  all,  not  paying  the  postage.  I  had  nine  francs  to  fork  out, 
and  this  was  the  gain : — 

"1.    A  parson's  perforated  card,  for  '  only  one  shilling '  for  a  new  church  at  Grhnesbury- 
««;7-Bodgeleigh. 
"2.) 

'  3.  f  Circulars  from  rival  candidates  for  the  office  of  Director  of  the     Pireside  and 
"  4.  (     Circumnavigating  Life  Assurance  Office,  in  which  I  am  assured. 

"  6.    List  of  new  stations  of  the  Commissionaires  of  London. 

"  7.  Blobbins's  '  bill  delivered ' — hopes  I  will  settle  before  I  leave  town.  Sorry  to  have 
disobliged  Blobbins. 

"  8.  _  Invitation  to  take  the  chair  at  a  lecture  on  Geology  before  the  Tiddleywinks  Literary 
and  Scientific  Institution. 

"9.  A  piece  of  cloth,  as  a  pattern  for  trousers,  which  the  sender  will  make  to  measure  for 
17*.  6c?.,  cash. 

"  10.  List  of  prices  of  stationery.     (There  are  pens  and  ink  in  Prance.) 

"  11.  Scolding  note  from never  mind.    I  did  promise  to  call.    But  I  will  send  her  a 

newspaper  from  here.    At  least,  it  depends  on  the  amount  of  good  taste  that  may  be  shown 


by  my  pretty  friend  in  No.  37,  else,  the  scolder 
has  fine  eyes,  and  will  have  £250  per  annum. 
I  am  glad  I  have  this  note,  though  nine  francs  is 
money. 

"  12.  Invitation  to  join  a  Rifle  Corps. 

"13.  Notice  from  the  New  River  Company 
that  they  will  cut  my  water  off  if  1  don't  send 
8s.  &d.  by  a  day  long  past. 

"  There,  Sir,  that 's  what  I  got  by  being  a  foolish 
fidget,  and  not  leaving  letters  to  take  care  of 
themselves.  You  say  this  is  a  digression.  "Who 
cares  if  it  is  ? 

"  Prom  ten  to  twelve,  lounge  about,  and  smoke 
cigars.  What  atrocities  are  the  cigars  of  the 
Debit  !  I  wish  they  'd  try  the  Credit  for  a 
change.  By  the  way,  Bloater,  you  might  send 
me  over  a  lot.  You  must  know  somebody  who 
would  smuggle  them,  but  mind  you  do  them  up 
well,  as  the  sea-air  plays  the  deuce  with  baccy. 
Do  'em  in  sheet  lead — get  it  at  Twining's. 

"  Prom  eleven  to  twelve,  lounge  about,  finally 
reaching  the  sea.  Then  there 's  a  lot  of  time  lost, 
waiting  your  turn,  and  losing  it  while  you  are 
flirting  with  an  acquaintance.  You  seldom  get 
back  before  one,  and.  then  you  want  half  an  hour 
to  wash  the  salt  out  of  your  hair,  and  become 
presentable.  No.  37  don't  like  the  short  hah  of 
the  day,  which  is  a  pity,  for  drying  one's  wig  is  a 
bore. 

"  This,  and  a  cigar,  and  a  walk,  bring  one  on 
to  the  afternoon,  and  then  there  is  a  good  deal  to 
be  done — perhaps  a  drive,  or  going  to  change 
novels,  or  to  be  in  the  way  during  shopping,  and 
explain  eleven  times  in  an  hour  that  ten  centimes 
are  a  penny,  and  consequently  that  fifty  are  not 
exactly  half-a-crown.  Or  the  ladies  want  to  look 
into  the  churches,  which  are  cool  and  pleasant 
places  enough.  Or,  if  the  clay  is  too  warm  for 
Englishwomen  to  go  shopping  (and  warm  indeed 
must  be  the  day  that  stops  that)  oue  lounges  up 
to  Mr.  Signet's,  or  down  to  Mr.  Cheerydrop's, 
to  grab  at  the  English  newspapers,  as  they  are 
brought  hi  from  the  boat — how  precious  stupid 
your  papers  are,  by  the  way,  just  now.  If  it 
were  not  for  the  fires  and  the  accidents,  and  the 
murders,  I  don't  believe  you  could  get  a  paper 
made  up,  which  shows  what  sort  of  people  must 
be  left  in  town,  journalising.  This  brings  us  on 
until  it  is  time  for  dinner,  or  at  least  to  dress, 
and  by  the  way  again,  my  Bloater,  would  you 
when  you  send  the  cigars,  put  in  a  set  of  new 
studs  for  me,  rather  handsome,  you  understand, 
but  I  leave  them  to  your  taste"  ?  I  think  No.  37 
has  an  eye  for  jewellery,  and  my  studs  are  not 
very  stunning  ?  Don't  forget  this.  Well,  dinner 
takes  till  half-past  eight,  and  then  in  another 
hah  hour  or  so  the  ladies  have  contrived  to  put 
on  their  hats,  and  we  go  on  the  pier.  This  is  a 
narrow  wooden  strip,  that  nearly  reaches  to  the 
sea,  when  the  sea  is  very  high  indeed,  and  there 
are  16,000  English  in  Boulogne,  and  they  all  will 
come  and  shove  and  jostle  one  another  here 
every  night,  and  the  way  the  women  (you  know 
what  Englishwomen  are  to  one  another)  rush  at 
the  few  seats  there  are,  and  look  at  those  who 
look  at  them,  is  the  only  fun,  for  an  unfortunate 
male,  except  to  laugh  at  a  vocal  wretch  who 
howls  French  songs  to  a  guitar,  and  sends  round 
the  hat  every  five  minutes.  After  this,  one  gets 
back  to  the  hotel,  and  a  quiet  weed,  or  a  little 
whist,  finishes  off  the  day. 

"There.     Now  I  hope  you  are  ashamed  of 
your  baseness  in  asking  for  '  literary  composition.' 
You  may  do  what  you  like  with  this  letter,  but 
you  '11  get  nothing  else,  for  ever  so  long,  from 
"  Your  SENsnivE  Contributor." 


Not  so  Wise  as  he  Seems. 

M.  Chevalier  has  been  replying,  unwisely, 
to  the  Constable  of  Dover.  We  rather  thought 
well  of  the  above  French  gentleman,  but  now 
doubt  his  political  soundness.  As  hi  other  clays, 
is  Chevalier  synonvmous  with  Pretender  ? 


112 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[September  14,  1861. 


A    RUSE. 

This  is  the  Serene  Party  we  (Charlotte  and  I)  made  out  of  a  Sofa  Pillow  awl  Hearth-broom,  <£c., 
tchosc  obstinate  apathy  so  disgusted  all  the  Organ-Grinders  the  first  day  of  our  trip  to  Spraymouth 
(v:c  taking  a  little  chive  out  the  while),  that  they  shied  Prospect  Place  for  the  rest  of  our  month. 


A  Dog  with  Two  Tales. 

Me,  Roebuck  has  shown  himself  very  properly  proud  of  Mr.  Punch's  notice  of  him  in  a 
Cartoon,  but  asked  in  a  Sheffield  speech,  "  how  the  Emperor  of  Austria  could  be  said  to 
have  run  away  with  Tearem,  when  he,  Tearem,  was  there,  before  his  friends."  We  have 
heard  more  brilliant  epigrams,  in  the  way  of  retort  but  it  is  no  disgrace  to  a  bigger  man  than 
John  Arthur  to  be  utterly  crushed  and  quelled  by  an  avalanche  from  the  Band  of  Punch. 
Perhaps  it  was  a  big  stone  to  throw  at  a  little  dog,  but  he  was  making  such  a  blessed  noise 
that  we  took  the  first  that  came  to  hand.    He  '11  be  quiet  enough,  now. 


"  The  Balm  of  Columbia."— Has  no  one  the  generosity  to  send  over  to  America  a 
bottle  of  this  celebrated  mixture  ?  for  we  are  sure  that  Columbia-,  after  her  recent  reverses, 
must  need  a  Balm  of  some  sort  to  heal  her  wounded  feelings. 


POET  CLOSE  RAGETH  AGAIN. 

And  so  yon  thought,  my  noble  Swells, 
You  'd  done  with  Poet  Close  ; 

But  he 's  not  done,  my  haughty  ones, 
So  brown  as  you  suppose. 

The  Poet's  fire,  as  you  shall  see, 

Needs  but  a  little  stir. 
And  up  it  burns,  in  glorious  scorn 

Of  your  extinguisher. 

If  mean  Lord  Pam  has  used  me  ill, 

My  fingers  I  will  snap 
At  all  the  rancid  rancorousness 

Of  that  effete  old  chap. 

Unless  he  cuts  my  fingers  off 

They  still  can  wield  the  pen, 
And  make  my  name  admired  and  loved 

By  all  deserving  men. 

What  care  I  for  his  jaunty  laugh, 

While  I  possess  the  smile 
Of  one  as  good  again  by  half, 

My  noble  Lord  Carlisle. 

He  is  a  Poet  like  myself, 
That 's  more  than  Pam  can  say, 

And  very  pleasing  verse  has  wrote 
In  his  fastidious  way. 

I  'd  rather  have  such  men  as  him 
To  praise  my  honest  rhymes, 

Than  talking  statesmen  (?)  like  old  Pam, 
(Though  lauded  in  the  Times). 

Then  there 's  the  noble  Lonsdale  too, 

Who  is  a  real  Earl, 
And  tells  the  world  that  he  has  found 

In  Poet  Close  a  pearl. 

They  sign  their  testimonials  free, 

And  praise  my  native  worth, 
And  say  I  am  a  glory  to 

The  country  of  my  birth. 

And  if  they  have  not  read  my  works, 
'Twas  nobler  to  have  signed ; 

A  nobleman  ought  not  to  have 
A  mean  suspicious  mind. 

I've  had  my  paltry  hundred  pounds, 

(To  stop  the  same  was  hard) 
And  where  the  flag  of  England  flies 

I  'm  known  as  England's  Bard. 

Nailed  like  a  carrion  crow,  'tis  said, 

I  stick,  but  fools  may  rail, 
No  matter,  for  I  've  had  ray  tin 

Paid  down  upon  that  nail. 

John  Close. 


An  Awkward  Selection. 

A  New  journal  is  announced  under  the  title 
of  The  Queen.  The  godfathers  were  bunglers, 
and  the  name  is  against  the  success  of  the 
publication.  A  little  harmless  cheating  the 
Government  (especially  in  the  matter  of  recti- 
fying Income-Tax)  may  be  overlooked,  but  who, 
save  a  disloyal  wretch,  would  think  of  taking  in 
the  Queen  ? 


[Advertisement.] 
Removing  from  Over  the  Way. 

MESSRS.  DERBY,  DIZZIE  &  Co.  respectfully 
announce  to  their  friends  and  the  public,  that  they 
are  in  negotiation  for  the  Reform  business  so  long  con- 
ducted by  the  late  John  Russell  &  Co..  and  that  early 
in  the  season  they  hope  to  be  able  to  offer  a  variety  of 
novelties  hitherto  unattainable  except  upon  unreasonable 
terms.  Further  particulars  will  be  announced.  Several 
good  Touts  wanted. 


Printed  by  William  Bradbury,  of  No.  13,  Upper  Woburn  Place,  and  Frecerick  Mullett  Evans,  of  No.  19,  Queen's  Road  West,  Re-rent's  'Park,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Paneras,  in  the  County  of  Middlesex, 
Printers,  at  their  Office  in  Lombard  Street,  in  the  Precinct  of  Wliitefriars,  in  the  City  of  London,  and  PublisLed  by  them  at  No.  85,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  City  of  London.— 
Saturday,  September  14,  1881. 


COMPLETION    OF   THE   ENGLISH    CYCLOPEDIA. 

This  day  is  Published,  Vol.  8,  Price  12s.,  of 

THE    ENGLISH    CYCLOPEDIA 

OF  ARTS  AND  SCIENCES. 

This  Volume  completes  the  Division  of  Arts  and  Sciences,  and  the  entire  Work. 

Part  22,  Price  2s.  Gd.,  was  published  on  the  1st  inst. 

Bradbory  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


ROYAL  EDUCATION  COMMISSION. 

This  day  is  published,  price  2s.  6d.  boards, 

POPULAR   EDUCATION    IN   ENGLAND. 

Being  an  Abstract  of  the  Report  of  the  Royal  Commissioners  on  Education.     With  an 
Introduction  and  Summary  Tables.     By  HERBERT   S.    SKEATS. 
"Mr.  H.  S.  Skeats'  '  Abstract  of  the  Report  of  the  Royal  Commissioners'  is  at  once  comprehensive, 
concise,  and  clear.    All  the  really  important  points  either  as  to  matters  of  fact  or  of  suggestion  are  com- 
pressed into  the  compass  of  one  small  volume.  *    •    »    »    It  is  a  useful  work  well  done."— Economist. 
Sradbuiiy  &  Evaks,  II,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.  C. 


RE-ISSUE      OF      PUNCH. 


The  Double  Volume  for  1844  (Vols.  6  and  7  together),  Price  10s.  6d.,  in  cloth,  and 
Vol.  7,  price  5s.,  in  boards,  are  now  ready. 

Bradbury  &,  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


This  day  is  published,  in  3  vols.,  post  8vo,  Price  31s.  6d. 

THE       SILVER       CORD. 

BY  SHIRLEY  BROOKS, 

Author  of  "  The  Qordian  Knot,"  *'  Aspen  Court,"  &c. 
Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI— September  21,   1861. 


13,  Great  Marlborocgh  Street. 

HXTR8T  &  BLACKETT'S 
NEW  WORKS. 

WEE    0KAVA1JG0    RIVER: 

■St.  A  Narrative  of  Travel,  Exploration, 
and  Adventure.  By  C.  J.  Anders  son,  Authorof 
"Lake  N^ami."  8vo.  With  Portrait  and  nu- 
merous illustrations.    21s. 

"  Mr.  Andersson's  book,  froiu  the  number  of 
well  told  adventures,  its  rich  fund  of  informa- 
tion, and  spirited  illustrations,  will  command  a 
wide  circle  of  readers.  The  interest  of  his  story 
never  flajjs  for  a  moment."— Athemeum. 

THE   SECRET  HISTORY  OF 

TOE  COURT  of  FRANCE  under  LOUIS  XV. 
Edited  by  Du.  Challice.  2  v.  With  Portraits, 
21s. 

THE    LIFE  OF    JEANNE 

D'Ai-BRkT,  Queen  of  Navarre.  By  Miss  Freer. 
5s.  bound  and  illustrated. 

A  SAUNTER  THROUGH  THE 

WEST  END.    By  Leigh  Hunt.    10s.  6<Z.) 
THE  NEW  NOVELS. 

EAST    AND   WEST.     BY    J. 

FllAZER    CoHKRAK. 

A  HERO  IN  SPITE  OF  HIM- 

SKLF.  By  Cact.  Mayke  Reid.  From  the 
French  of  Luis  i>e  Beukmabe. 

ALONE    IN     THE    WORLD. 

By  the  Author  of  "  Cousin  Geoffrey." 

UNDER  THE  SPELL.    BY 

the  Authorof  "  Grandmother's  Money." 

NOTICE   TO   QUIT.     BY   W. 

G.  Wills,  Author  of  "  Lite's  Foreshadowing." 

THE  NEW  LAW  OF  BANKRUPTCY. 
Now  Ready,  Crown  8vo,  Price  \s.,  by  Post,  Is.  ?f7. 

fHE      BANKRUPTCY 

A  MANUAL, 

Being  a  plain  Summary  of  tlip  whole  of  the  existing 
Statute  Law  relating  to  Bankruptcy,  Compositions 
and  Arrangements  with  Creditors,  as  affecting 
Traders  and  Non  Traders,  and  the  modes  of  obtain- 
ing Protection  for  their  Persons  and  Estates. 
By  CHARLES  EDWARD  LEWIS,  Solicitor. 
Ricuardson  &  Co.,  Cornliill. 

TOE  INVIGORATIVE  NER- 

-S-  VINE  ESSENCE  restores  with  infal- 
lible certainty,  in  thirty  days,  all  cases  of  debility 
from  whatever  cause  arising.  Acting  on  every  func- 
tion and  secretion  in  the  most,  positive  manner, 
perfect  and  vigorous  health  is  the  speedy  result. 
Price  lis.  per  bottle,  or  four  quantities  in  one  for 
33s.,  with  full  instructions. 

Sole  agents,  Messrs. Baiimgartt-.n  &  Co.,  French 
and  German  Chemists,  520,  Oxford  Street,  AV.,  and 
113,  Leadenhall  Street,  E.C. 


STREET 


TA8LE   CUTLERY,   67  &  68,    K!NG    WILLIAM 

LONDON  BRIDGE.     Established  in  Sheffield,  a.d.  1810. 

None  are  genuine  without  their  Corporate  Mark — the  "Sun,"  granted  to  their  father  by  the 

Cutlers'  Company  of  Sheffield,  June  26th,  1835. 

Ordinary  Quality.  Medium  Quality.  Best  Quality. 
Two  dozen  full-size  Table  Knives  ivory  handles  £2 
One-and-a-half  dozen  full-size  Cheese  ditto 

One  pair  regular  meat  Carvers  

One  pair  extra  size  ditto 0 

0 ne  rjair  Poultry  Carvers 0 

One  Steel  for  Sharpening 

Complete  Service £4  14    6         £6  18    0         £9  16     C 

Any  quantity  can  be  had  at  the  same  prices.     None  of  the  above  can  come  loose  in  Hot  Water. 
Manufactory,  Queen's  Cutlery  Works,  Sheffield. 


fJOOL    AND    REFRESHING 

V  TOILETTE  REQUISITE. 

OLDRIDGE'SBALM  OF  COLUMBIA  is  tlie  most 
certain  remedy  for  Restoring  and  Strengthening  the 
Hair.  By  it  Whiskers  and  Moustaches  are  produced 
and  beautified,  Ladies  will  find  it  especially  valuable, 
as  the  most  elegant  head-dress  or  bonnet  can  be 
worn  without  fear  of  soiling.  Sold  in  bottles,  3s.  fid., 
6s.,  and  lis. 
C.  &  A.  Oldridge,  22,  Wellington  Street,  Strand. 


I1ULL     EVENINGS     MADE 

■&J  MER&Y.  —  Bagatelle  Boards  of  the 
finest  manufacture  from  31«.'6d.  complete.  Descrip- 
tive Catalogue  of  parlour  games  free  on  application. 
Asser  &  S  her  win,  SI,  Strand,  London. 

GHRUNK  FLANNEL  SHIRTS 


-  Newest  Designs  (to  Order)  from  8s.  bV. 
A  Sample  Shirt  of  any  description  made  for  ap- 
proval. Collars,  best  quality,  10s.  b<i.  per  dozen. 
\i.  I.  Hawkes  (10  years  with  Capper  &  Co.), 
Manufactory,  82,  Gt.  College  Street,  Camden  Town. 
Established  1852.    Terms  Cash.     Patterns  Post  free. 


TUXURIANT     WHISKERS, 

"■"  Moustaches,  and  Eyebrows,  produced 
in  a  few  weeks  by  the  use  of  ELLIOTT'S  TONIC 
LOTION,  the  stimulative  properties  of  which  are 
unfailing  in  its  operation.  Thomas  Elliott  invites  a 
trial  from  the  most  sceptical,  that  thev  may  be  con- 
vinced of  its  infallible  power.  Price  3s.  fid.,  5s.  fid., 
10s.  6d.,  and  21s.  Forwarded  on  receipt  of  postage 
stamps.  Thomas  Elliott,  Hair  Grower  (tirslfloor), 
51,  renchurch  Street,  E.C.    T.  E  's  Wi"s  3ns 


22 

4 

0 

£3     0 

0 

£4  12 

0 

1 

4 

0 

1  14 

0 

2  11 

0 

0 

7 

6 

0  11 

0 

0  15 

6 

0 

8 

6 

0  12 

0 

0  36 

6 

0 

7 

6 

0  11 

0 

0  15 

6 

0 

3 

0 

0    4 

0 

0     0 

0 

HARVEY'S  FISH  SAUCE- 
Notice  of  Injunction  — The  admirers 
of  this  celebrated  Fish  Sauce  are  particularly  re- 
quested to  observe  that  none  is  genuine  but  that 
which  bears  the  back  label  with  the  name  ol  Wil. 
liam  Lazesby,  as  well  as  the  front  label  signed 
"  Elizabeth  Lazenby,"  and  that  for  further  security, 
on  the  neck  of  every  bottle  of  the  Genuine  Sauce 
will  henceforward  appear  an  additional  label,  printed 
in  screen  and  red,  as  follows:— "This  notice  will  be 
affixed  to  Lazenby^s  Harvey's  Sauce,  prepared  at 
the  original  warehouse,  in  addition  to  the  well  known 
labels,  which  are  protected  against  imitation  by  a 
perpetual  injunction  in  Chancery  of  9ih  July,  ISoS." 
6,  Edwards  Street,  Portman  Square,  London,  W. 


ffiECHJ 


?? 


REGISTERED  MARCH  30,  1S61. 

The  most  useful  sizes  are  fifteen,  sixteen,  seventeen,  and 
eighteen  inches  long,  but  larger  are  made  if  required. 
The  great  merit  of  this  Bag  is  the  power  of  employing 
every  inch  of  space  with  a  facility  of  access,  ease,  and 
quickness  of  stowage,  that  experience  has  found  to  be  the 
great  want  in  all  descriptions  previously  manufactured. 
The  following  detail  of  The  18-inch  Bag  at 
£24  10s.,  will  convey  a  general  idea  of  its  utility  and 
capacity  for  the  accommodation  of  sufficient  attire  for  a 
moderate  journey.  One  half  the  Bag  is  demoted  exclu- 
sively to  the  Writing,  Dressing,  and  Refreshment  con- 
veniences, and  the  other  half  (which  in  the  illustration  is 
shown  lying  down)  is  arranged  for  articles  of  Clothing, 
Books,  Papers,  <fec.  This  portion  is  capable  of  holding  a 
complete  Suit  of  Clothes,  six  Shirts,  two  Night  Shirts, 
twelve  Collars,  six  Socks,  Opera  Hat,  twelve  Pocket 
Handkerchiefs,  three  pairs  Drawers,  Neckerchiefs,  Slip- 
pers, Dress  Boots,  &c,  &c,  with  capacious  Outside 
Pocket  for  Goloshes,  Books,  Papers,  &c.,  &c. 

DRESSING  BAGS  for  Ladies,  from  4  Guineas  to  £150. 

MECEI  &  BAZIN, 

4,  LEADENHALL    STREET,  AND  112,  REGENT   STREET,  LONDON. 
CATALOGUES  GRATIS  ON  APPLICATION. 


ROWLANDS'  MACASSAR  OIL,  for  promoting 
the  Growth,  Restoring  and  Beautifying  the  Human 
Hair. 

ROWLANDS'  KALYDOR  for  Improving  and 
Beautifying  the  Complexion  and  Skin,  and  Eradi- 
cating Cutaneous  defects. 

ROWLANDS'  OUONTO,  or  Pearl  Dentifrice,  for 
the  Teeth,  Gums,  and  Breath. 

Sold  at  20,  Hatton  Garden,  and  by  Chemists  and 
Perfumers. 


S  E 


WITH  THE  BEST  AETICLES  AT 


IRONMONGERY   AND    FURNISHING    WAREHOUSES. 


TABLE       DEANE'S 


DEANE'S     CELEBRATED 
CUTLERY. 

Table  DeEsert 

Knives.  Knives.  Carvers. 

Finest  Ivory  Handles     33s.        28s.  lis.  Od. 

Medium        ,,                   23s.        18s.  7s.  6& 

Good              ,,                   16s.        12s.  5s.  (id. 


ELECTRO-PLATED    SPOONS 
AND   FORKS. 


Spoons,  Best  Plating 

Forks 

Spoons,  2nd  Quality 

Forks 


Table. 
40s. 
3Ss. 
33s. 
31s. 


Dessert. 
30s. 
29s. 
24s. 
23s. 


Tea. 
ISs.  Od. 


14s.  6d. 


DEANE'S  Electro-Plate  Tea  and  Coffee  Sets,  , 

Liqueur    Stands,    Cruets,   Cake  '  DEANE'S  Drawing  Room  Stoves,  Ranges,  &c. 

Baskets,  &c.  ]  DEANE'S  Fenders  and  Fire  Irons. 

DEANE'S  Dish   Covers  and  Britannia  Metal ,  rjg^E.g    Iron     Bedsteads,    with     Bedding. 

Goods.  ,  Priced  Pamphlet,  with  Drawings, 

Prices  of  Tin  Dish  Covers  in  Sets  of  post  fre0_ 

Six  and  Seven :— ISs.,  30s.,  40s.,  J;  '  T,       

6o„    *(.,,  DEANE  S  Domestic  Baths.      See    Illustrated 

DEANE'S  Papier-mache'  Tea  Trays,   in  Sets,  j  Pl'ice(i  Pamphlet. 

from   21s.      New    and    Elegant    DEANE'S  Tin,  Japan,  and  Iron  Goods. 
Patterns  constantly  introduced,    <  DEANE'S  Cornices  and  Cornice  Poles. 
DEANE'S  Bronzed,  Copper,  and  Brass  Goods.       nR AN15'S  Horticultural  Tools 
DEANE'S  Bronzed  Tea  Urns,  50s.,  63s.,  S4s.        !  DJi-AlNP.  b  Hoi  tieulturai  iools. 
DEANE'S  Moderator  Lamps,  from  Vs.  to  £6  Cs.  \  DEANE'S  Chandeliers  and  Gas  Fittings. 
AN  ILLUSTRATED  CATALOGUE  AND  PRICED  FURNISHING  LIST  SENT  POST  FREE. 
DEANE   &  Co.,  LONDON   BRIDGE.— Established  A.D.  1700. 


The  Largest  Establishment  of  its  kind  in  the  world,  is  now  open  to  Subscriber? 


SIMPSON  &  Co., 

Whip  Manufacturers, 
314,  Oxford  Street,  London. 
Ascents. — All  Saddlers  in  every  Country  Town. 
A  larsje  assortment  of  the  following  GOODS  always 
in  stock: — Sours,  dos;  chains,  couples  and  collars, 
greyhound  slips,  whittles,  ferret  bells,  dose  bells  and 
muzzles,  drinking  flasks,  Sandwich  cases,  hunting 
and  post  horns,  tourist  begs,  birdcalls,  &c.  &c. 

WORDLEY     AND     CO, 

o*  Goldsmiths,  Silversmiths,  &  Jewellers, 

56,  LORD  STREET,  LIVERPOOL. 

Stock   unsurpassed  for  beauty  of  design  and  high 

character  of  workmanship. 

TOE     FAIRY     B0UOTET ; 

A  THE  OXFORD  AND  CAMBRIDGE 
BOUQUET.— These  popular  and  celebrated  Per- 
fumes are  not  genuine  unless  they  have  the  names 
and  a<idr*ss  of  the  oriidnal  find  only  makers  on  each 
'bottle.— M.ETCALFE,  Bingley  &  Co.,  130b  and  131, 
0.\ford  Street.    In  Bottles,  2s.,  3s.  fid.,  and  5*. 


gANGSTEBS' 

Silk   and  Alpaca 
Umbrellas,    and    Sun 
Shades,   on  Fox's  Pa- 
ragon Frames. 
140,  Regent  Street,  W.  ; 
94,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. ; 
10,  RoyalExchange.E.C. 
75,  Cheapside,  E.C. 
SHIPPERS  SUPPLIED. 


W  E  EM  !  —  MB.  ESKELL'S 

Hi.  PATENT!!!  Granted  18ti0.  8,  Lower 
Grosveuor  Street.  Artihcial  Teetb  adapted  on  Mb. 
Eskell's  l'acented  Process,  without  extracting 
Teeib  or  Stumps,  arid  without  the  slightest  pain. 
One  set  lasts  a  lifetime.  "  Mr.  Eskell's  patent  bids 
fair  to  Btand  unrivalled  for  its  utility  and  economy." 
—Post.  "An  admirable  contrivance  for  remedying 
the  defects  of  nature  without  requiring  new  sets  of 
teeth." — Sun.  "Original  and  effective;  and  will, 
doubtless,  be  extensively  patronised."— Court  Circ. 
All  Consultations  Free.    S,  Lower  Grosvenor  Street. 


SUBSCRIBERS  IN  TOWN 

Receive  2  guineas'  worth 
of 

MUSIC. 


Twice  a  Wee::. 


pATENT  Indestructible  Mineral  Teeth, 
_  and  Flexible  Gums  without  Palates,  Springs  or 
Wires,  and  without  any  operation.  "One  Set  lasts 
a  Lifetime,"  and  warranted  for  every  purposeof  mas- 
tication or  articulation,  even  when  all  others  fail. 
Purest  materials  and  first-class  workmanship  at 
half  the  usual  cost. 
No.  27,  HARLEY  STREET,    CAVENDISH    SO., 

and  34,  LUD  GATE  HILL,  LONDON; 

65,  NEW  STREET,  BIRMINGHAM; 

134,  DUKE   STREET,  LIVERPOOL. 


(1    M.  INNES  &  Co ,  WINE 

Vfl  »  Merchants,  69,  Strand,  W.C.,  strongly 
recommend  their  Pale  Dry  DinDer  Sherry  at  2S«., 
32s.,  and  36s.;  Vino  de  Pasto,  48s.;  Pure  Medoe 
Claret,  24s. 


SUBSCRIBERS  IN  THE 
COUNTRY 

Receive  4  guineas'  worth 
of 

m  tr  si  c, 

Which  maybe  exchanged 
Twice  a  Month. 


|PmE  FINEST  SOUCHOXG  3'9.P?lb 
iG-aarantecrl  the  IBcst    Quality 

!  MOORE  BROTHERS 

!  ZB   LOW  DOW   BRIDGE  CITY. 


Which  may  be  exchange!     r\ 
LA 

Annual  Subscription,  Two  Guineas.     One  Guinea's  worth  of  Music  will  be  presented  to  each 

Subscriber.     Prospectu-es  gratis  on  application. 

EWER  &  Co.,   Her  Majesty's  Music  Sellers,  87,  Regent  Street,  W. 


PERSONS  of  any  age,  howefer  bad  their  writing,  may,  in  EIGHT  LESSONS,* acquire  per- 
A  mauently  an  elegant  and  flowing  Style  of  Penmanship,  adapted  either  to  professional 
pursuits  or  private  correspondence.  Arithmetic  on  a  method  requiring  only  one-third  the  time 
usually  requisite.  Book-keeping,  as  practised  in  the  Government,  Banking,  and  Merchants' 
Offices;  Short-hand,  &c.  For  Terms,  &c,  apply  to  Mr.  SMART,  at  the  Institution,  97b, 
Quadrant,  Regent  Street  (corner  of  Swallow  Street),  London,  removed  from  No.  5,  Piccadilly. 

"V*  Caution. —No  connexion  with  parties  travelling  in  the  Provinces  assuming  the  name, 
copying  the  advertisements,  &c,  of  Mr.  William  Smart,  whose  only  address  is— 97  B,  Quadrant, 
Regent  Street,  London. 

ESTABLISHED  UPWARDS  OF  25  YEARS.— Private  and  Carnage  Entrance  in  Swallow  Street. 


T  ONDON  AND  EYDEB,  late 

•^  Hancock,  Goldsmiths  and  Jewellers, 
17,  New  Bond  Street,  respectfully  invite  the  notice 
of  the  nobility.  «c„  to  their  New  Stock  of  Elegant 
Jewellery.  Every  aiticle  in  the  best  passible  taste, 
and  at  moderate  prices.  .A -variety  of  novelties  spe- 
cially adapted  for  Wedding  Souvenirs.  Diamonds 
rearranged,  scq..  17,  New  Bond  Stieet,  corner  of 
CUftord  Street.    Established  30  Tears. 

i  PHILLIPS  OK  •£  Co'*  &*w  Fetalis,  \ 

I     u  LA  DUCHESSE."  '  \ 

I  The  most  rcfreshin g  »nd  duratvta  pf  tin  d&y.  jj 
i  Price  2s.  6d.  of  »1I  Cheiniiitc  ind  Vendors  of  ii 
<  Perfumery, or  by  letter 'onclcwu-jj  n  P'MitOffice  J 
5  Orderor  stamps)  to  PHILLn'SOK  AND  CO.,  \ 
I  1,  Bodoe  Row,  8t.  PitL'i,  Lmjsdci-',  S.C.  y 
♦  The  POMADE,»«.«d.j80APjl».|OIL,S«.6<i.  J 
\  Perfumery  for  ev«rv  c/K»K»iij.    C&t-clofiussiree.  ^ 

ypHE    NOBLE    OUTDOOR 

-&•  t4AME,  f!ROQUKT.  Price,  with 
French  polished  Mallets,  Balls,  Gilt  Arches,  and 
Copyright  Laws  of  the  Game,  'il«.;  Ditto  in  box 
complete,  25s. ;  superior  quality,  45*.;  polished  hard 
wood,  i.fjs.  To  be  1,  ad  at  all  Fancy  Repositories. 
Wholesale,  Jaquks  &  Son,  1  '2,  Hattou  Garden. 


September  21,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


113 


"CORRECT  'CARD'  OF  THE  REGATTA,  SIR 


2» 


MRS.  ROCHEFOUCAULD'S  MAXIMS. 

Women's  feelings  are  more  intense  than  those  of  men- 
We  are  happy  or  miserable  :  at  a  ball  or  at  home. 

A  woman  hates  a  question,  but  loves  to  ask  one. 

The  female  mind  is  too  poetical  to  be  tamely  methodical. 
Who  would  marry  a  woman  who  punctuated  her  love- 
letters  ? 

Cupid  is  blind  to  everything—  save  pin-money. 

In  society  compliments  are  loans,  which  the  lenders 
expect  to  be  repaid  with  heavy  interest. 

Praise  a  woman's  taste,  and  you  may  attack  her  sense 
with  impunity. 

Your  candid  friend  has  never  anything  pleasant  to  say 
to  you.  He  reminds  you  of  his  pet  virtue,  by  wounding  you 
with  it. 

If  you  want  to  know  a  woman's  true  character,  linger 
after  the  guests  have  gone,  and  listen  to  what  she  has  to 
say  about  them. 

A  woman  wins  an  old  man  by  listening  to  him ;  and  a 
young  man  by  talking  to  him. 

Enjoy  to-day,  for  to-morrow  the  first  grey  hair  may  come. 

Hymen  is  only  Cupid  in  curl  papers. 

Women  confess  little  faults,  that  their  candour  may  cover 
great  ones. 

There  are  no  reasons  which  explain  love ;  but  a  thousand 
which  explain  marriage. 

Age  is  venerable  in  man — and  would  be  in  woman — 
if  she  ever  became  old. 

When  a  woman  vows  that  she  never  flirts—  she  is  flirting. 


Maternal  Advice. 


A  Daughter  is  almost  always  right  when  she  endeavours 
to  imitate  her  mother ;  but  we  do  not  think  the  mother  is 
equally  right,  when,  at  a  certain  period  of  life,  she  tries  all 
she  can  to  imitate  her  daughter. 


OUR    ROVING    CORRESPONDENT. 

"  My  dear  Punch, 

"  During  the  great  autumnal  exodus  from  town,  while  port- 
manteaus are  being  packed,  passports  vised,  and  beards  grown,  your 
'  Roving  Correspondent '  is  reminded  of  an  expedition  in  which  he  was 
engaged,  and  which  some  weeks  ago  he  began  to  describe  in  these 
pages.  It  was,  if  you  remember,  while  on  the  shores  of  the  Mediter- 
ranean, that  my  narrative  was  interrupted  by  the  stern  duties  of  a 
London  season.  Be  pleased  therefore  to  suppose  me  returned  to 
Porto-Eranco,  and  in  the  company  of  Mil.  Richard  Dewberry,  late 
of  Trin.  Coll.  Cam.,  my  comrade  of  voyage,  as  our  cicerone  (who 
thinks  he  is  up  in  all  the  English  idioms)  insists  on  calling  him. 

"  As  the  weather  was  still  very  warm,  and  walking  before  sunset 
almost  impossible,  Dick,  whose  devotion  to  the  fair  sex  interfered 
sadly  with  that  proper  attention  and  enthusiasm  with  which  the  monu- 
ments of  antiquity  should  be  studied,  Master  Dick  I  say  used 
frequently  at  the  close  of  the  day  to  drag  me  forcibly  into  the  Piazza, 
under  pretence  of  looking  at  the  Eontana  Vecchia  by  moonlight ;  but 
in  reality  to  show  me  how  many  of  our  countrywomen  he  knew,  as  they 
paced  up  and  down  in  company  with  then  heavy  Papas  or  solemn 
whiskered  brothers,  enjoying  the  strains  of  military  music  by  the  light 
of  a  thousand  brilliant  lamps. 

"  '  Do  ^you  see  that  tall  girl  in  blue  ? '  said  Mr.  Dewberry  one 
evening,  '  that  is  Miss  Wympole  Streete,  Lady  Lounger's  daughter 
by  her  first  husband.     She  was  engaged  to  young  Lord  Raikesmebe 

until  he  made  such  an  ass  of  himself  at  0 ,  where  his  regiment 

was  quartered.  The  match  is  broken  off  now,  and  serve  him  right  too ; 
it  is  much  too  good  for  him.  The  old  fellow  hobbling  just  behind  him 
is  the  Marquis  of  Drycorn  :  he  comes  abroad  for  his  gout.  That 's 
his  wife  in  the  hat  and  feathers,  Lady  Drycorn,  d'  ye  see  ?  and  the 
young  fella  she's  talking  to  is  his  Lordship's  Secretary,  and  they  do 
say  that— Why,  hillo  !  there 's  Grindley,  of  Corpus,  what  the  doose 
is  he  doing  here,  I  should  like  to  know  ?  and  who  is  that  with  him  ? 
By  Jove,  a  nice  looking  girl  though,  really.  Why,  they  're  going  in  for 
ices  over  there.  I  say,  Jack,  let 's  have  an  ice.  Here,  hi !  waiter, 
Bottega,  what's  your  name,  what's  the  Italian  for  ice,  Jack? 
Qualche  cosa  fredda,  don't  you  know,'  shouted  Mr.  Dick,  in  his  best 


Tuscan.  '  Non  e'efritta,  S'ffnor,'  said  the  waiter  in  hurried  intervals,  as 
he  rushed  about,  '  quest'  un  caffe — si  trova  frittata — nella  trattoria, 
S'gnor.'  '  Oh  dam ! '  remarked  Mr.  Dewberry,  '  Ice — glace  you  know.' 
'  Yessare,  verriwell,  cosa  desider a,  S'gnor  ?  Gelati  di  Citrone,  vanilla, 
marrenna,  groseille,  fragole,  lamponi,  arancia,  limone,  crema  ? '  said  the 
waiter  in  one  breath,  and  then  rushed  off  without  waiting  for  an 
answer. 

:  '  Always  the  way  here,  Sir,'  said  a  stout  gentleman,  sitting  near, 
'  confound  the  fellows  !  Been  here  three  nights  ruiming,  and  haven't 
been  able  to  get  an  ice  yet,  nor  see  the  Galignani  once.  Actually  three 
nights  running,'  continued  the  stout  man,  looking  round  for  sympathy. 

"  '  Violent  exercise,  eh  ?  three  nights'  running — too  much  for  his 
weight,'  whispered  Dick  to  me. 

"  '  I  beg  your  pardon.     Did  you  speak,  Sir  ?  '  asked  our  fat  friend. 

"  '  I  say  I  agree  with  you,  it 's  shameful,  Sir,'  said  Dick,  with  great 
gravity. 

"  By  the  time  we  had  finished  our  ices,  which  we  obtained  after 
waiting  about  three  quarters  of  an  hour,  the  music  had  ceased,  and  we 
rose,  having  made  a  resolution  (for  the  ninth  time  since  landing)  to 
keep  good  hours,  and  retired  to  our  respective  beds. 

******** 

"  '  Flirting  about  the  Piazza  with  pretty  girls  is  all  very  wed,'  said 
I,  one  morning  to  Mr.  Dewberry,  '  but  as  Paterfamilias  will  naturady 
expect  you  to  have  done  something  while  you  are  away,  I  advise  you  to 
make  notes  of  what  you  see,  or  keep  a  journal.' 

"  '  A  journal !  Oh,  bosh !  '  politely  answers  Master  Dick,  (who  has 
a  great  horror  of  occupying  his  time  to  no  profit)  'what  on  earth  is  the 
good  of  a  journal  ?  Every  muff  keeps  a  journal.  _  I  wish  you  could 
have  read  Scribbleton's.  He  went  up  the  Rhine  in  "  the  long "  last 
year.  Eorty-five  reams,  Sir,  of  closely- written  foolscap,  with  the  history 
of  every  insignificant  little  vdlage  he  entered,  population,  so  and  so, 
statistics,  staple  commodities,  situation,  height  above  the  level  of  the 
sea,  latitude  and  longitude,  average  of  mortality  among  the  inhabitants, 
the  deuce  knows  what,  to  say  nothing  of  a  description  of  every  dinner 
he  eat,  and  a  register  of  lie  civility  of  the  landlord  at  each  inn.  He 
offered  it  to  thirteen  publishers  in  succession,  and  was  much  disgusted 
to  find  it  declined.  No,'  added  Dick,  '  I  shan't  keep  a  journal.  I 
mean  to  go  in  for  the  Italian  grammar,  and  work  like  a.  brick.' 


VOL.  XLI. 


114 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[September  21,  1861. 


"  And  sure  enough  I  fouud  him  one  evening  closeted  with  Signor 
Piselli,  the  well-known  Professor  of  the  English  tongue  at  Porto 
Franco.  What  progress  master  and  pupil  made  was  always  a  profound 
mystery  to  me.  I  heard  a  great  deal  about  the  difficulty  of  the  irregular 
verbs,  and  of  the  vast  importance  of  preserving  the  distinction  between 
the  stile  SignoriW  and  the  'stile  Amichevole,'  but  happening  to 
knock  at  Dick's  door  one  morning  before  he  was  up,  when  the  room 
smelt  very  strongly  of  Latakia,  and  noticing  an  empty  bottle  labelled 
'  Vieux  Cognac '  on  the  table,  I  naturally  inferred  that  the  irregularity 
was  not  confined  to  the  verbs,  and  that  in  consequence  of  their  devotion 
to  the  '  stile  Amichevole'  their  studies  on  the  previous  night  had  not 
been  very  profound.  Indeed  Dick  has  since  admitted  to_  me  that  he 
found  the  Professor  a  very  jolly  dog,  and  that  he  had  assisted  him  in 
framing  the  plot  of  '  Lafiglia  del  Sorciotore'  a  drama  lately  produced 
with  thrilling  effect  at  the  Teatro  Ducale,  in  Porto  Franco,  and  founded, 
it  must  be  confessed,  upon  an  old  English  ballad  once  popular  in 
Covent  Garden. 

"  On  the  same  floor  which  we  inhabited,  Monsieur  and  Madame 
Rodeur  had  hired  apartments,  and  were  living  together  with  their  son, 
an  ingenuous  youth  fresh  from  the  Quartier  Latin,  and  their  amiable 
and  accomplished  daughter,  of  whose  skill  in  performing  on  the  piano 
(she  had  planted  it  on  acoustic  principles  against  the  door  which  joined 
our  rooms)  I  was  constantly  reminded. 

"  They  had  sent  us  an  enamelled  and  elaborately  flourished  card 
bearing  their  name,  and  Dick,  who  never  loses  an  opportunity  of 
exhibiting  his  proficiency  in  the  French  language,  insisted  that  we 
should  return  their  call,  which  we  did,  and  thus  made  their  acquaint- 
ance. M.  Eodeur  is  proprietor  of  the  well-known  establishments, 
Le  Cygne  noir  at  Cherbourg,  and  L'Aigle  Blanc  at  Havre,  and  in 
that  capacity  is  admirably  fitted  to  resist  the  impositions  hi  which  he 
regrets  to  find  his  brother  hotel-keepers  too  often  indulge.  '  Vous  con- 
cevez,  M'sieur,'  he  would  say  on  occasion  when  he  had  to  wait  for  his 
dinner,  or  his  boots  were  neglected,'  if  thees  ad  coom  to  appen  aide 
Cygne  noir,  my  chef  should  be  chasse  dirrrrrect.'  (Here  I  ma\  remark 
in  a  parenthesis  that  having  some  experience  of  the  'Service'  at  the 
last-mentioned  hostelry,  my  inference  is  that  the  post  of  chef  must 
change  hands  every  day). 

"  M.  Rodeur  fits  finds  ample  occupation  for  his  time  during  the 
vacation,  by  consuming  tobacco  in  a  chaste  pipe  of  his  own  design,  and 
teaching  his  good-natured  sister  to  accompany  him  on  the  piano  in  the 
admired  ballad  of  the  '  Chateau  de  Framboisy'  '  Messrs.  les  Ftudiants,' 
and  other  national  and  interesting  songs.  As  for  Madame — I  don't 
envy  the  man  who  is  shut  up  in  the  coupe  of  a  diligence  with  her — 
as  was  once  my  fate.  The  brilliancy  of  that  lady's  conversation  is 
hardly  equalled  by  its  length,  and  the  manner  in  which  she  discusses  her 
lunch  is  scarcely  calculated  to  increase  an  appetite  for  your  own. 
Surely  there  never  were  such  indefatigable  sight-seers.  They  are 
always  up  at  sunrise— as  I  never  failed  to  hear — when  poor  Jeanette 
is  finely  rated  if  the  breakfast  is  not  ready.  'OhDieu!'  the  unhappy 
honne  cried  to  me  in  confidence  one  day,  ' ca  m 'embete  affreusement ! " 
They  never  forgive  themselves  or  pay  1  heir  cicerone  if  a  single  church 
is  left  unvisited,  or  one  picture  unseen.  The  hackney  coachmen  at 
Porto  Franco  know  them  well,  and  must  be  very  hard  up  for  a  fare, 
before  they  consent  to  be  hired  by  their  party.  '  Dopo  domane'  the 
impudent  dogs  say  with  a  back -handed  shake  of  three  fingers,  when 
Madame  Rodeur  begins  to  bargain — or  '  Bel'  forestiere,  per  Bacco  1 " 
as  Monsieur  Jules  offers  them  half  their  fare. 

Rodeur  aine  began  life  as  an  artist,  and  sketches  extensively  in  a 
vigorous  and  dotty  style  peculiar  to  himself :  '  Un  effet—eouclier  cle  soldi 
— Marseilles'  '  Deux  gamins  en  combat  n 'ans  la  rue— Florence  J  '  (In  morceau 
du  Colysee—Rorn'  '  Tete  d'undnea,  Capri'  'Souvenir  d'un  Tintoreta  Veni.se,' 
'  Vielle  de  Bologne'  &c,  &c,  &c,  are  among  the  subjects  treated  by  his 
graceful  pencil.  The  time,  the  place,  the  object  to  be  drawn,  makes 
not  the  slightest  difference  to  the  enthusiastic  amateur.  He  was  once 
put  under  arrest  for  persisting  to  sketch  the  Pope  during  Mass  at  the 
Sistine  _  Chapel,  and  nearly  got  his  head  broken  for  running  about — 
pencil  in  hand — after  a  pretty  looking  Contadina  whose  costume  he 
thought  would  be  a  valuable  addition  to  his  album. 

"  They  always  dined  at  2  p.  m.,  and  my  only  wonder  is  that  after  such 
a  tremendous  repast  they  were  enabled  to  renew  their  exertions  until 
the  next  morning.  The  amount  of  solid  food  which  they  consumed 
daily  would  surprise  those  who  still  retain  the  notion  once  rife  in  our 
English  nurseries  viz :  that  frogs  form  the  staple  article  of  consump- 
tion at  French  dinner-tables.  I  happened  to  look  in  once  at  their 
1  easting-hour  and  found  the  room  a  chaos  of  innumerable  dishes,  having 
the  appearance  of  several  courses  combined  in  one  for  the  sake  of 
brevity.  Old  Rodeur  overwhelmed  me  with  apologies  for  the  con- 
fusion, and  took  care  to  let  me  know  in  the  course  of  conversation  that 
their  menage  at  Havre  was  of  a  totally  different  character,  inasmuch  as 
there  they  dmed  off  Sevres  and  the  most  costlv  plate  with  fifteen  glasses 
a-head  for  the  different  kinds  of  wine. 

"  Poor  M'am'selle— Poor  Nathalie  !  I  fear  she  led  a  hard  life- 
bothered  by  her  indefatigable  Papa,  scolded  daily  by  Madame,  and 
nearly  plagued  to  death  by  Eodeur  fits. 

:c  They  were  always  active  from  morning  fill  night :  sketching,  prac- 


tising^ the  piano,  sight-seeing,  _  picture -hunting,  scolding,  plamring, 
bargaining,  botanising,  and  bothering  each  other  until  they  returned  to 
astonish  their  country  neighbours  with  the  details  of  their  foreign  tour. 
Heigho  !  much  good  may  it  do  them  !  Au  revoir,  mes  amis.  Receive, 
Madame,  the  assurance  of  my  high  consideration,  and  believe  me,  dear 
Punch, 

"  Yours  faithfully, 

"  Jack  Easel." 


BLONDIN  OVER  THE  FOUNTAINS."— Advertisement. 

Blondest  over  the  Fountains, 

Blondin  over  the  Cord ; 
Blondin  draws  all  kinds  of  Snobs, 

Lounger,  and  lout,  and  Lord ; 
And  Blondin's  fame  should  make  us  proud, 

It  should  on  Punch's  word. 


A  PRIZE  HOGG. 

A  Heartless  swindler,  named  Farrell  Hogg,  now  (luckily  for 
confiding  landladies  and  the  like)  in  the  clutches  of  old  Father  Antic, 
seems  to  have  reached  the  acme — and  Septimus — of  heartlessness  by 
one  representation  which  he  is  stated  to  have  made.  He  actually 
deluded  a  victim  by  alleging  that  he,  Hogg,  was  the  Musical  Critic  of 
the  Record  newspaper.  The  Record!  The  joinnal  that  never  in  its 
existence  could  tolerate  harmony — that  lives  by  the  promotion  of  dis- 
cord among  men — that  would  hiss  the  Music  of  the  Spheres  unless 
conducted  by  Lord  Shaetesbury.  Hogg  is  worthy  of  the  name  he  is 
about  to  exchange  for  a  number.  We  never  heard  of  a  more  brutal 
outrage.  Titus,  who  set  up  a  hog's  image  to  insult  the  Jews  did  a 
lighter  crime. 


Astronomical  Insects. 


At  one  of  the  late  Meetings  of  the  British  Association,  a  philosopher 
read  a  paper  "  On  Geometrical  Nets  in  Space."  Another  delivered  a 
lecture  on  the  habits  of  Spiders,  of  which  insects  a  well-known  variety 
is  accustomed  to  make  geometric  nets  in  any  convenient  space  between 
twigs  or  in  palings.  Are  the  geometrical  nets  which  exist  in  absolute 
space  constructed  by  any  spiders  which  exist  there,  and  are  those 
spiders  as  big  as  the  Scorpion  in  the  Zodiac  ? 


INVITA  MINERVA. 

So  Greece  is  No  Go.  An  indisputable  statement  of  its  finances  and 
no-progress  is  before  Europe,  and  it  is  shown  that  the  Hellenic  specu- 
lation does  not  answer.  What 's  to  be  doue  with  Greece  ?  We  fear 
that  the  next  European  problem  will  be,  "  How  to  take  Greece  out  of 
maps,"  and  that  the  receipt  will  be  suggested  by  that  Family  Friend, 
the  Pamphleteer  of  the  Tuileries. 


September  21,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


115 


IMPERIAL   BULL-FIGHTING. 

"Imperial  Bull-Fighting. — The  Emperor,  letters  from  Biarritz  state,  was 
present  at  a  bull-fight  on  Sunday  last,  but  the  Empress  did  not  leave  the  villa,  as 
the  day  was  the  anniversary  of  her  sister's  death.  The  Emperor  was  accompanied 
by  Mme.  de  La  BedoyiJre  and  another  lady  of  the  Court,  Marshal  Niel,  Count 
Walewski,  and  General  Key.  The  bulls  were  fine  animals,  and  gave  the  favour- 
ite matador,  El  Zato,  many  opportunities  of  displaying  his  address,  which  was 
several  times  applauded  by  the  Emperor." — Globe. 

When  Pam  our  Constable  en  cf/ef  declares 

John  Bull  an  animal  of  peaceful  habits, 
Warring:,  by  his  own  will,  on  pheasants,  hares, 

Partridges,  grouse,  and,  failing  these,  on  rabbits — 

But  that  though  loath  to  quarrel  for  a  trifle, 
And  glad  to  hold  out  fellowship's  right  hand, 

He  still  keeps  in  his  left  a  loaded  rifle, 
For  those,  who  speaking  peace,  hide  the  bare  brand, 

Chevalier  declares  such  fears  a  sham, 
Meant  to  keep  up  national  feuds  and  grudges  ; 

But  Punch  is  proud  to  say  "  ditto  to  Pam" — 
Who  wear  the  shoe  are  of  its  pinch  best  judges. 

We  like  Chevalier,  yclept  Michel— 
Call  him  "  Chevalier  d'Pconomie ;  " 

T'other  Chevalier  we  don't  like  so  well- 
Prance's  own  crowned  Chevalier  d?  Industrie. 

Of  him  we  own  to  have  our  slight  suspicions, 
But  sure  he  should  be  the  last  man  to  float  them, 

With  such  a  taste  for  Bull-fight  exhibitions — 
That  he  can't  live  at  Biarritz  without  them. 

At  least  we  learn  from  this  exciting  sport 

(Which,  unlike  him,  we  only  know  from  reading), 

That  Bulls,  if  fools  enough  to  pull  up  short 
Before  a  cloak,  death-wounded,  soon  lie  bleeding. 

The  cloak  which  cool  El  Zato  *  is  outspreading, 
Conceals  a  sword  :  'mid  cheers  of  the  beholders, 

Bull  blunders  at  the  cloak,  the  sword  unheeding, 
And— flash !  the  blade's  hilt-deep  between  his  shoulders. 

John  Bull  may  be  excused,  if  from  his  brothers 
At  Biarritz  slaughtered,  for  Imperial  pastime, 

He  lays  to  heart  this  lesson,  among  others — 
The  first  time  Bulls  so  blunder  is  the  last  time. 

-El  Imperador  waves  in  graceful  show 

The  cloak  that  hides  the  sword — but  Bell  grown  chary 
Of  trusting  cloa/cs,  however  fair  they  show, 

Keeps  for  the  sword  sharp  horns,  and  eye-sight  wary. 

*  The  favourite  matador  at  the  Biarritz  bull-fights  this  year. 


PITY  POP,  POOR  SMOKERS. 


The  attention  of  Mr.  Punch  has  been  called  to  a  recent  police-case 
in  which  a  poor  carpenter,  summoned  before  Mb,.  Dayman,  at  Wands- 
worth, i^as  fined  10s.  and  costs  for  persisting  in  smoking  in  a  railway 
carriage.  The  man  could  not  pay  the  money;  had  to  embrace  the 
alternative  of  fourteen  days'  imprisonment ;  and  actually  underwent  a 
seclusion  of  thirty  hours,  when  he  was  released,  the  fine  having  been 
paid  for  him  by  a  benevolent  merchant-prince  and  smoker. 

Now,  if  this  man  persisted  in  smoking  when  he  was  told  to  leave  off, 
the  Magistrate  could  have  had  nothing  to  do  but  to  fine  him  ;  particu- 
larly if,  at  the  time  of  the  offence,  he  was  sober.  But  whereas  a  M)s. 
fine  is  no  matter  to  a  smoking  swell,  fourteen  days'  imprisonment  is 
what  a  working  man  might  well  describe  as  hard  lines. 

Smoking  on  railways  is  a  common  practice — we  grant  the  ghost  of 
James  the  First  a  common  nuisance.  It  may  vex  the  shade  of  the 
British  Solomon;  and  it  may  annoy  some  ladies,  whose  noses  may  not 
agree  with  the  nose  of  Dr.  Morgan,  in  Roderick  Random,  in  the  im- 
pression that  tobacco  is  a  fragrant  and  odoriferous  herb. 

Therefore  Railway  Companies  are  hereby  pathetically  implored  to 
establish  smoking  carriages  in  every  train,  and  for  every  class,  parti- 
cularly the  third,  which  is  occupied  by  the  poorer  and  less  comfortable 
orders,  rendered  much  more  uncomfortable  than  they  need  be  by  rail- 
way economy,  and  having  more  occasion  than  any  other  members  of 
society  to  steep  then-  senses  hi  the  forgetfuluess  which  is  induced  by 
nicotine. 


Rude  Criticism  on  a  Critic. — "Levrai  lonheur  surla  Terre,  c'est 
d'etre  sur  Mer."  So  quotes  our  friend,  Jules-Janin.  Aboard  the 
Folkestone  boat,  and  in  the  intervals  of  bawling  for  a  basin,  our  other 
friend,  Bumpkin  Qualmy,  was  heard  to  growl  that  the  Prenchman's 
love  of  epigram  led  him  to  write  the  most  inf — amous  nonsense. 


HEEE  'S  YOUR  PINE  TUENIPS  ! 

A  Pitiful  story  is  related  by  the  South  Pastern  Gazette,  under  the 
heading  of  "  Severe  Sentence."  It  sets  forth  that  on  Monday  last 
week  a  "poor  shabbily  dressed  widow,"  one  Julia  Garraway,  with 
whom  was  her  child  about  six'years  of  age,  was  charged,  before  the 
Rochester  County  Bench,  represented  by  the  Rev.  J.  J.  Marsham  and 
Mr.  Day,  with  having  stolen  four  small  turnips  from  the  field  of 
Mr.  R.  Tassell,  Smallridge  Farm.  The  woman  acknowledged  that 
she  had  taken  the  turnips  to  eat.  Two  of  them  she  threw  away  because 
they  were  full  of  insects.  The  other  two  she  kept,  and  was  beginning 
to  devour  them  when  one  of  the  farm-men  took  her  up.  Having,  with 
her  child,  been  lodged  in  the  station-house,  and  therein  imprisoned  one 
whole  day  and  one  whole  night,  Mrs.  Garraway  was  placed  at  the  bar 
of  Justices'  justice  ;  when  : — 

"  The  two  turnips  found  on  her  were  produced,  and  were  very  small.  The 
prisoner  pleaded  hard  to  be  forgiven,  as  she  took  them  to  satisfy  her  hunger,  having 
just  come  from  London.  The  Magistrates,  however,  ordered  her  to  pay  a  penalty, 
including  costs,  of  Vs.  2d.,  and,  in  default,  committed  her  for  seven  days'  hard  labour. 
As  the  prisoner  had  no  mone5T,  the  Magistrates  desired  her  to  pay  the  fine  and  costs 
on  her  return  from  hop-picking,  which  she  vehemently  promised  to  do." 

The  poor  Magistrates,  called  upon  in  the  discharge  of  their  duty  to 
adjudicate  on  cases  such  as  the  above-quoted  one,  are  very  much  to  be 
pitied.  Of  course  they  have  no  power  to  dismiss  the  charge  as  trumpery, 
on  the  ground  of  the  maxim,  "Be  minimis  non  curat  lex,"  translated,  for 
the  benefit  of  the  country  gentleman,  prosecutor  in  the  case,  "  The  law 
takes  no  account  of  diminutive  turnips."  In  the  present  instance  they 
manifestly  could  have  had  no  choice  but  to  fine  the  prisoner  unless  to 
commit  her  instead;  which  perhaps  they  might  as  well  have  done, 
committing  her  child  along  with  her  as  an  accomplice.  For,  hi  prison, 
mother  and  child  woidd  both  have  been  well  fed ;  necessarily  if  their 
sentence  included  hard  labour :  which  cannot  be  performed  on  low  diet. 
That,  uo  doubt,  was  the  reason  why,  from  a  humane  motive,  they  did 
add  hard  labour  to  the  conditional  imprisonment  which  they  awarded 
her  in  default  of  payment.  The  only  wonder  is,  that  the  famishing 
creature  did  not  embrace  the  alternative.  Perhaps  her  pride  objected 
to  accept  the  situation  of  a  common  thief. 

We  now  turn  to  another  and  more  pleasing  view  of  the  case,  the 
aspect  which  it  presents  in  an  agricultural  point  of  view.  How  valuable 
must  be  the  turnips  grown  by  Mr.  R.  Tassell  to  have  made  it  worth 
that  gentleman's  while  to  prosecute  a  labouring  woman  for  taking  two 
or  three  of  them  to  eat !  This,  just  now,  is  the  newspaper  season  for 
enormous  turnips,  among  which  those  of  Mr.  Tassell  above  mentioned 
might  be  classed,  but  for  the  fact  that  they  were,  on  the  contrary,  very 
small.  But  that  circumstance  only  heightens  the  idea  of  their  value 
suggested  by  the  prosecution  of  a  "poor  shabbily  dressed  widow "  for 
stealing  them.  They  must  be  worth  at  least  as  much  as  good  West 
Indian  pine-apples,  which  sell  in  the  streets  of  London  at  "  a,  shilling 
a-piece  and  a  penny  a-slice."  Their  price,  so  little  dependent  on  their 
size,  must  be  due  to  their  flavour,  which  is  no  doubt  delicious. 

Among  the  produce  exhibited  next  Christmas  at  the  Fat  Cattle  Show 
a  prominent  place  mil  surely  be  occupied  by  Mr.  Tassell's  remarkable 
turnips. 


ARMS  AND  THE  MAN. 

Du  Chaillu  tells  howthe  Gorilla 

With  a  rifle  he  shot  in  the  chest, 
Where  a  rifle-ball's  certain  to  kdl  a 

Man  or  monkey,  as  must  be  confest. 

But  Gray,  that  unwearied  attacker 
Of  Du  Chaillu,  Gorilla,  and  Co., 

Says  the  man-monkey's  wounds  in  the  back  are, 
And  the  weapon  employed. — the  long-bow. 


Rather  Down  in  the  Mouth. 


NON-INTERVENTION. 


We  see  that  a  cheap  advertising  Dentist  offers  to  "  stop  teeth  at  a 
shilling  a-piece."  The  force  of  cheapness  can  scarcely  go  much  lower. 
There  Is  a  class  of  purchasers  so  ravenous  after  cheapness  that  it  is  only 
necessary  to  offer  a  thing  cheaply  for  them  instantly  to  avail  themselves 
of  it.  Let  one  of  those  peripatetic  London  Bridge  merchants,  whose 
shop  consists  of  a  tray  slung  round  his  neck,  offer  them  a  sovereign  for 
a  penny,  and  they  will  eagerly  snatch  at  it.  The  above  remedy,  how- 
ever, is  so  unusually  cheap  and  proportionately  nasty,  that  we  should 
say  that  it  must  almost  be  "too  filling"  at  the  price. 


There  is  a  talk  of  the  Salt  Lake  joining  the  Confederates.  We 
think  the  Mormon  Capital  is  wrong.  Let  it  secede,  if  it  will ;  but  it  is 
not  fan-  to  join  either  party.  It  should  be  true  tj  its  own  name,_  and 
consistently  prove  that  it  only  wishes  to  remain,  equally  on  both  sides, 
an  Utah  (a  neuter). 


116 


PUNCH    OR    THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[September  21,  1861. 


X 

< 
CO 
Q 

z 

< 


u 
z 

LsJ 

O 
(J) 


g 

<! 
ft 

M 


o 
« 

PS 

w 

EH 

O 


J5 
<( 

a 

PS 

o 

ps 
Pm 

o 
g 

s 

P3 
O 

n 

<i 

PS 

O 


D 

o 


a 
o 

PQ 

H 
►J 

H 

a 

Eh 


pd  &■ 

'4  §. 

p  03 

S  s 

S  o 

05  pjJ 

eS  d 


c3 


pCpp-J 


03, i    <v 

^3    03P=i 

d-^pq 


a3\g 

S  s.2 

n  »  si 

h  S  2 

0  ce-d 
O   l>.°P 

1  ^  2 


O^  § 

°=sa 

PS   <§gj 
H  J2   « 

fc     <»     ^ 

S  m  s 

f^*   co-d 
S     03-£ 

&  03 
03   &- 


£ 


Ht!' 


g3   O 


T3H3   d 

03' — I    03 


-  O  d  g-^  d  ° 


CO    03  CO     Sh     •*»      ■    m 

d32  °c«|a)t 

SO 


03  53 '. 


d"g"3  4  Org 


CO 


o 


§£81 

-dl <«rS 


d 


££^  g|,2  s   ~ 

_£3   c3        -+o    G,  cS    p   d 

o  ™  ra  g  d      d,- 

d     C-)      £_,      Ol      <*   d  O 

>>-52^Pd  ^p2  jg  S 

■°  1  p^p§<2  |-°  If 

-•  -t^>  eg  a-d..  ,pd . 

03  53  g?  a  o      m 

1 — !  -^    p>    a_j    CO    rj 

—  d  o^  03  g-p^.d 

ojCS+^cJ' —  -+p>    li.    S* 


O 


are  not 

getting 
iking  a 
pany  by 
part  of 
is  injus- 

co    ?3-^    g    03^3 

03.  O            •>    S    -*^       rj 

fc0"S     g     ^     r-     rt 

00    03    P-.d    pi,, 

g     d^      d.-d     « 

a-^pq  ^rd  o 

p^ 

,-,s»      id  pC  a 

1— 1 

< 

>-< 

nplain,  tl 
heir  Owi 
hild  or 
urt,  may 
cnth's  di 
affairs.  S 

-si 

•r  ■+-  <_)   ^h   p 
O,      oi-  "  oi 

p^ 

O   g    &Pc3^5 

03  ~B  o -a  >>  o 
cs  a     be  co  a 

P=« 

d  -^^P7-!     °  -U 

03   03  ^jThj  += 

p?  13    |°  S  >»  J> 

g        03  co  c3  SS 

Qj    o          co  o 

W  d  ^^  fe  a 

En  g3-d!  5  o 

-Q  .Ph  ~*-i  CO  -4-s 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— September  21,  18G1. 


THE  LAST  ACT  OF  THE   ITALIAN  DRAMA. 


Victok.    "SHALL  WE  'RING  UP'  FOR  THE  LAST  ACT?     THE  AUDIENCE  ARE  GETTING  VERY  IMPATIENT." 
Louis.    "NOT  JUST  YET— THEY  MUST  WAIT  TILL  I'M  READY." 


September  21,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


119 


OUR    DRAMATIC    CORRESPONDENT. 

ear  Fellow-Martyr 
Punch, 
"Everybody  knows 
that  at  the  present 
dreary  Season  Lon- 
don is  completely 
emptied  of  inhabit- 
ants. Excepting  yon 
and  me,  and  some 
two  millions  more 
of  miserable  beings, 
who  have  either  had 
our  holiday  or  can 
see  no  chance  of 
getting  one,  there  is 
really  at  this  writing 
nobody  in  town. 
Havingmadeadozen 
fruitless  calls  the 
other  day,  in  the 
hope  of  finding  some 
one  as  wretched  as 
myself,  with  whom 
I  could  effect  an 
interchange  of  sighs, 
1  sauntered  sadly  to 
my  club  to  seek  the 
solace  of  some  beer ; 
when  judge  of  my 
astonishment  at  seeing  on  the  dusty  threshold  (servants  never  clean 
the  doorsteps  now  there 's  '  nobody  in  town ')  the  fresh  impress 
of  the  sole  of  a  fashionable  boot.  I  declare,  not  Robinson  Crusoe 
looked  more  surprised  than  I  did,  nor  felt  more  pleased  to  meet 
Man  Friday  than  was  I  to  see  young  Heaviswell,  whom  when 
London  is  inhabited  I  usually  avoid.  'Bay  Jove,  old  chap,'  said 
he,  'Ah'm  jolly  glad  you're  here.  Ah'm  just  cutting  up  from 
Cowes  to  have  a  wattle  at  the  birds,  but  Norfolk  you  know  is 
somewhere  on  the  Eastern  Counties  Wailwoad,  and  so  of  course 
one  can't  get  down  there  in  a  day.'  So  we  agreed  to  dine  together, 
and  go  somewhere  in  the  evening,  though  where  that  somewhere 
was  to  be,  I  protest  I  knew  no  more  than  the  big  bell  of  St. 
Paul's.  I  read  the  list  of  plays,  but  my  young  friend  thought  them 
'  slow,'  and  my  mention  of  The  Soft  Sex,  and  of  Mr.  Falconer's 
Woman,  only  ended  in  his  voting  for  a  visit  to  Cremorne.  _  But  not 
feeling  inclined  for  Terpsichorean  exercise  after  swallowing  three 
courses  and  a  copious  dessert,  and  moreover  feeling  somewhat  uneasy 
in  my  mind  lest  I  might  see  a  female  rope-walker  put  her  life  hi  peril 
for  the  pleasure  of  a  mob,  I  proposed  by  way  of  compromise  the  Covent 
Garden  Concerts  ;  where,  I  artfully  suggested,  if  you  find  the  music 
bores  you,  it  is  not  defended  to  get  out  of  your  seat  and  walk  about  as 
freely  as  you  could  do  at  Cremorne.  This  argument  succeeding,  we 
called  a  cab  and  went,  Heaviswell  retiring  first  to  put  on_  a  white 
choker,  for  though  he  felt  convinced  that  there  was  '  nobody  in  town,' 
he  owned  a  latent  fear  lest  he  might  stumble  upon  somebody,  '  and — 
aw — you  know,  one  feels  so  awkward  when  one  isn't  dwessed.' 

"  As  it  chanced  to  be  a  Weber  night,  the  house  was  very  full,  and 
the  lustre  of  the  choker  was  dimmed  by  a  back  seat.  Nor  was  the 
programme  perhaps  quite  to  the  taste  of  my  young  friend,  although  to 
my  maturer  ears  each  piece  in  the  first  part  was  an  exquisite  delight. 
Mr.  Mellon's  taste  and  judgment  have  been  long  ago  well  proved, 
and  the  skill  which  he  displays  as  a  conductor  of  good  music  they  who 
recollect  his  concerts  of  last  season  will  not  readily  forget.  It  is  true 
that  he  has  not  the  moustache  of  Monsieur  Jullien,  nor  boasteth  he 
a  shirt-front  so  ineffable  in  sit.  But  what  he  lacks  in  presence  he 
makes  up  for  in  performance :  and  they  who  think  the  work  of  a 
musical  conductor  should  rather  be  to  charm  the  ear  than  please  the 
eye,  will  agree  with  me  in  giving  full  praise  to  Mr.  Mellon,  and  in 
thinking  him  at  Covent  Garden  the  right  man  in  the  right  place.  Any 
one  who  in  September  helps  to  entertain  didl  London  must  be  looked 
on  by  its  inmates  as  a  public  benefactor ;  and  I  am  sure  that  Mr. 
Mellon  by  his  well-conducted  enterprise  is  deserving  of  unusual  Sep- 
tembrian  success. 

"  I  stayed  through  half  the  second  part  on  Heaviswell' s  account, 
and  heard  enough  of  dance  music  to  set  my  toes  a-twitching  until  they 
went  to  sleep  •  and  then  we  both  repaired  to  an  Elysium  hard  by, 
where  we  revelled  in  a '  devil '  and  a  pot  of  pleasant  drink,  while  some 
glees,  _  which  were  most  _  harmoniously  sung,  drowned  the  less 
melodious  clatter  of  the  knives  and  forks  and  plates.  Of  course,  the 
Master  of  the  Snuffbox,  graciously  presented  his  '  dear  boys '  with  a 
pinch,  and  told  us  how  he  might  long  since  have  made  his  fortune  if  he 
had  but  opened  doors  to  crinoline  as  well  as  coats.  Whether  any  who 
have  gone  to  other  Music  Booms  in  town,  where  the  casino  element  is 
suffered  to  intrude,  have  thought  that  its  exclusion  is  a  course  to  be 


commended,  and  have  resolved  therefore  in  future  to  stick  to  'Paddy 
Green,'  this  is  a  moot  point  which  debating  clubs  may  argue,  but  which 
if  men  of  sense  are  deemed  more  plentiful  than  fools,  no  other  assump- 
tion is  needed  to  decide.  «  q  Pays  " 


KITEFLYING  AT  SEA. 

There  are  many  people  in  the  world  who  are  adepts  at  flying 
"kites."  But  the  kites  they  fly  not  seldom  bring  them  into  danger, 
whereas  the  kites  to  which  the  following  paragraph  refers,  arc  flown 
for  the  sole  object  of  getting  persons  out  of  it : — 

"  Some  interesting  experiments  have  been  made  at  Portsmouth  from  the  launch 
of  Her  Majesty's  ship  Britannia.,  off  the  harbour's  mouth,  to  test  the  efficiency  of 
the  plan  proposed  by  Lieut.  G.  S.  Nares,  senior  Lieutenant  of  the  Britannia,  for 
forming  a  communication  between  a  stranded  ship  and  a  lee  shore.  Lieut.  Nakes's 
plan  consists  simply  of  a  kite  with  two  lines.  Of'  the  two  lines  of  the  kite,  one  is 
made  fast  in  the  usual  manner  hi  the  centre  of  the  kite  and  the  other  at  the  bottom. 
If  the  object  be  to  send  a  hawser  to  the  top  of  a  cliff,  supposing  that  the  surf  breaks 
too  heavily  at  the  cliff's  base  for  any  one  to  land,  as  was  the  case  in  the  wreck  of  the 
Royal  Charter,  the  kite  is  given  sufficient  line  to  fly  over  the  highest  point  of  the 
cliff,  and  when  sufficiently  far  inland  the  line  from  its  centre,  by  which  it  has  been 
flown,  is  let  go,  and  the  one  made  fast  to  the  foot  of  the  kite,  being  held  on,  brings 
the  kite  to  the  ground,  and  places  in  the  hands  of  the  people  on  shore  the  line 
with  which  a  hawser  can  be  sent  from  the  stranded  vessel,  a  boatswain's  cradle 
rigged,  and  ultimately  the  crew  of  the  ship  rescued.  If  again,  on  the  other  hand, 
a  ship  lies  stranded  on  a  low  coast,  with  her  boats  destroyed,  the  kite  is  sent  on 
shore  towing  through  the  water  a  man,  a  raft,  or  any  other  object  to  be  saved.  The 
trials  had  reference  to  a  ship  placed  in  the  latter  position,  and  were  of  a  most  satis- 
factory character.  As  a  final  test,  Lieut.  Nares  jumped  overboard  from  the  launch 
with  the  line  from  the  kite  made  fast  to  a  selvage  strop  under  his  arms,  and  was 
towed  over  the  intervening  distance  between  the  boat  and  the  shore,  over  deep 
water  and  through  the  surf,  in  perfect  ease  and  safety,  without  even  the  necessity 
of  moving  an  arm  to  assist  himself  in  his  progress  or  keep  him  afloat. " 

There  is  nothing  at  all  funny  or  facetious  m  this  narrative,  and  the 
question  may  be  asked,  How  came  it,  then,  in  Punch  ?  But  as  Punch 
has  Christian  readers,  a  plan  for  saving  life  must  have  somewhat  of 
interest  for  them ;  and  they  may  rely  upon  its  being  worth  their  know- 
ledge, or  it  would  not  have  gained  a  prize,  in  acknowledgment  of  its 
merit,  from  the  Shipwrecked  Fishermen's  Benevolent  Society,  which 
Punch  is  pleased  to  learn  has  really  been  the  case.  There  are  some 
fools  in  the  world  who  think  that  Punch's  mission  only  is  to  joke,  and 
that  he  ought  to  keep  his  pen  from  matters  that  are  serious.  Well,  to 
say  good  things  is  good,  but  to  do  them  is  far  better  ;  and  the  man  who 
by  Ms  wits  has  perfected  a  project  for  saving  a  few  lives,  is  much  more 
to  be  envied  thau  the  man  whose  wits  have  helped  him  to  make  a 
million  jokes.  Punch  is  ever  pleased  to  give  insertion  to  good  things, 
and  as  Lieut.  Nares's  plan  for  saving  shipwrecked  life  is  one  of  the 
best  things  that  Punch  for  months  has  heard  of,  he  feels  of  course 
great  pleasure  in  helping  its  publicity,  and,  as  the  equinoctial  gales  are 
drawing  nigh  at  hand,  in  assisting  by  so  doing  to  avert  then  ill  effects. 


DELICACY  AND  GENEROSITY  CHARMINGLY  COMBINED. 

The  following,  which  we  copy  out  of  a  Dublin  paper,  is  far  too  good 
to  be  lost:— 

THE  Gentleman  who  took  a  Pocket-Book  from  the  person  of  an  indi- 
vidual at  Kingstown  on  WEDNESDAY  EVENING  last,  is  requested  to  return, 
through  the  Post,  the  Papers  and  Documents  which  it  contained,  with  the  exception 
of  the  £26  which  he  may  retain,  as  a  reward  for  the  dexterity  he  exhibited  on  the 
occasion.  The  Individual  feels  grateful  to  the  Gentleman  for  having  left  him  his 
Watch  and  Chain.     Address  " ,  Kinsley's  Hotel,  Church  Lane." 

We  wonder  the  advertiser  didn't  ask  the  "Gentleman"  to  dinner, 
in  order  that  they  might  have  the  opportunity  of  talking  the  little 
matter  over  a  cool'bottle  of  champagne.  We  really  believe  that  thieves 
(we  beg  pardon,  gentlemen)  would  be  a  better-bred  set  of  people  if 
they  were  always  treated  with  civility  equal  to  the  above.  There  is 
nothing  like  appealing  to  a  person's  gentlemanly  feelings.  If  we  only 
took  to  thieves  (we  meant  to  say,  gentlemen)  in  the  same  natural  way 
that  they  take  to  us,  we  are  sure  that  we  should  meet  ou  a  much 
friendlier  footing,  and  be  able  to  exchange  civilities  that  would  be  pro- 
bably agreeable  on  both  sides.  Only  think  what  a  deal  of  stolen 
property  would  be  returned  !  You  would  appeal  to  the  thief's  sense 
of  honour  so  strongly,  that  he  would  ultimately  give  up  thieving  as  a 
losing  concern. 

Prudent  Precaution,  However. 

The  Pamphleteer  is  stated  to  be  advising  the  Funis  to  agitate  for  a 
re-annexation  of  Finland  to  Sweden.  What  can  Sweden  want  fins  for  ? 
Surely  not  to  help  her  to  swim  away  from  the  floating  batteries  of 
Toulon,  or  any  other  possible  friendly ,  visitors  from  France.  The 
Moniteur  is  requested  to  be  prompt  with  a  disavowal. 


American  Drink  in  Request. 
the  Union. 


-Wanted  a  Sherry  Cobier,  to  mend 


LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[September  21,  1861. 


The  only  Man  of  Hank  in  Town,  "and  he  don't  see  why  he  shouldn't  jinc  the  Missus  at 
Margate,  for  any  business  there 's  a  doin'." 


PRECEDENCE  OF  MAYORS. 

We  read  in  the  Hampshire  Independent  that 
there  have  been  proceedings  in  the  Law  Courts 
for  the  purpose  of  affirming  the  Precedence  of 
Country  Mayors  over  certain  other  existences. 
It  may  be  news  to  most  of  Her  Majesty's 
subjects  that  her  Courts  occupy  themselves  with 
such  matters,  and  that  the  old  law  doctrine  de 
minimis  has  been  so  flagrantly  disregarded.  But 
to  prevent  such  a  loss  of  time  and  dignity  for 
the  future,  it  will  suffice  for  Mr.  Punch  to  pub- 
lish the  Table  of  Precedence  as  now  settled  : — 

Horses, 
Mayors, 

Asses, 

The  Biped  Creation. 


A  Dangerous  Practice. 

The  young  gentleman  who  took  an  overdose 
of  conceit  has  experienced  no  ill  effects  from  it. 
On  the  contrary,  he  says  he  never  felt  better  in 
all  his  life.  It  is  very  strange,  for  decidedly 
the  dose  was  strong  enough  for  any  six  pet 
parsons.  Still,  we  should  not  advise  this  young 
gentleman  to  repeat  the  dose  too  often,  or  else 
his  friends  will  be  distressed  some  day  by  havmg 
to  resort  to  some  very  cruel  experiments  for  the 
purpose  of  taking  the  conceit  out  of  him.  The 
cure,  let  us  tell  him,  is  often  a  trying  and  very 
distressing  one.  We  know  of  one  poor  young 
man  who  had  to  be  sent  on  the  Stock  Exchange 
before  he  was  completely  cured. 


Fit  Oratory  to  be  Addressed  to  Poli- 
tical Humbugs.— PAM-boozle. 


NO    REFORM    OF   THE    INCOME-TAX! 

"  Mr.  Punch, 

"  Unfortunately  the  Report  of  the  Select  Committee  on 
the  Income-Tax  has  not  quite  settled  the  absurd  question  which  has 
been  raised  by  fools  concerning  the  unnecessary  readjustment  of  the 
most  just  of  taxes.  At  one  of  the  late  gatherings  of  the  British  Asso- 
ciation, the  practicability  and  requisiteness  of  that  impossible  and 
undesirable  process  were  asserted  by  many  speakers  who  ought  to  have 
known  better.  Your  readers  will  be  disgusted  to  find  Dr.  Farr 
endorsing  the  preposterous  demand  of  the  commercial  and  professional 
classes  for  differential  taxation.  The  subjoined  tissue  of  extravagant 
proposals  advanced  by  Mr.  D.  Chadwick,  will  probably  provoke  their 
mirth  as  well  as  their  contempt.  Mr.  Chadwick,  according  to  the 
report  of  the  proceedings,  agreed  with  Dr.  Farr  in  the  insane  per- 
suasion '  that  the  system  of  capitalising  incomes  was  the  proper  one  on 
which  the  tax  should  be  levied.'  He  expressed  the  idiotic  opinion  that 
'  the  inequalities  in  the  administration  oi  the  law  were  the  occasion  of 
all  the  annoyances,  injustice,  and  misery  complained  of,'  and  he  had 
also  the  incredible  folly  to  say  that  '  those  who  paid  the  tax  should  have 
the  appointment  of  assessors.'    And  then  :— 

"  He  proposed, — first,  to  make  the  tax  at  one  uniform  rate  on  the  capitalised 
value  of  all  incomes  ;  secondly,  to  classify  the  various  sources  of  incomes  according 
to  their  general  average  market  value  ;  thirdly,  to  assess  the  tax  by  a  rate  on  such 
capitalised  value,  instead  of  the  present  mode  of  assessing  it  on  the  annual 
income  ;  fourthly,  to  apply,  as  far  as  practicable,  the  principle  of  the  Government 
legacy  duty  tables  to  all  fixed  incomes  ;  fifthly,  that  the  tax  should  be  applied  to  all 
incomes  above  £50  a-year,  and  stopped  by  the  employers  out  of  the  wages  and 
salaries  of  all  persons  in  their  service. " 

"All  the  ineptitudes  projected  in  the  above  extract  from  the  out- 
rageous prolusion  of  Mr.  Chadwick,  are  based  on  the  negation  of  the 
self-evident  truths,  thus  expressed  by  a  contemporary  philosopher, 
'  that  income  is  income,  whatever  its  source,  its  tenure,  or  its  duration, 
and  that  a  tax  on  incomes  ought  to  be  assessed  irrespectively  of  the 
supposed  private  circumstances  of  the  individuals  or  classes  by  whom 
they  are  received.'  These  '  elementary  truths '  have  been  repeatedly 
demonstrated  by  the  simple  method  of  boldly  stating  them.  There  is 
nothing  like  it. 

"It  is  not  at  all  inexpedient  to  make  the  preceding  axioms  'the 
subject  of  habitual  controversy,'  because  the  more  they  are  contro- 
verted the  more  undeniable  they  will  appear  to  anybody  who  lias  the 
perception  to  sec  them,  being  blest  with  a  tolerable  understanding  and 
a  permanent  income.  The  'fact,  that  a  precarious  income  is  less 
valuable  than  a  perpetuity  of  the  same  nominal  amount,'  must  be 
acknowledged  to  be  '  undoubted.'    Indeed,  one  might  almost  go  so  far 


as  to  say  that  there  can  be  no  reasonable  doubt  about  it.  But  that 
oidy  proves  that  the  earner  of  a  precarious  income  cannot  afford  to  pay 
as  much  jhicome-Tax  as  the  receiver  of  a  perpetual  one."  The  question 
is,  not  what  he  can  afford,  but  how  much  he  cau  be  made  to  pay ;  because 
the  less  he  pays,  the  more  must  be  exacted  from  others  who  are  better 
oil'  than  himself,  but  not  more  willing  to  contribute  to  the  revenue. 

"  The  supposition,  entertained  by  half-educated  and  half-witted 
persons,  subsisting  by  the  exercise  of  their  small  abilities,  that  preca- 
rious incomes  ought  to  be  less  heavdy  taxed  than  those  which  are 
permanent,  rests  on  the  ridiculous  postulate,  too  generally  conceded, 
that  people  ought  to  be  taxed  in  proportion  to  their  means.  This 
fallacy  is  unhappily  somewhat  countenanced  by  the  existing  exemption 
from  Income-Tax  of  incomes  under  £100.  Yet,  as  the  owner  of  free- 
hold or  funded  property  bringing  hi  £99  19s.  life?,  pays  nothing 
whatever,  whereas  the  earner  of  £100  pays  Gd.  in  the  pound  ;  even  here 
in  some  measure  is  recognised  the  righteous  principle  of  disproportionate 
assessment. 

"  The  system  of  levying  Income-Tax  on  capitalised  incomes,  as 
advocated  by  Dr.  Farr  and  Mr.  Chadwick,  woidd  substitute  a 
property-tax  for  an  Income-Tax.  Of  course  all  persons  would  then  be 
taxed  according  to  their  means ;  which  would  be  a  dreadfully  '  mis- 
chievous error.'  Insufficient  means  constitute  a  good  reason  why  a 
poor  man  should  not  live  at  the  same  rate  as  a  rich  one,  but  they  are 
no  reason  whatever  why  he  shoidd  not  be  just  as  highly  taxed.  This 
consideration  opens  up  a  view  to  one  method  of  equalising  the  Income- 
Tax  which  would  be  reasonable  enough ;  that  of  levying  on  ad  incomes 
the  same  absolute  amount ;  or  an  amount  so  nearly  the  same  as  a  sum 
that  shall  not  exceed  the  income  itself.  If,  indeed,  the  rule  of  propor- 
tion to  means  is  to  be  observed  at  all,  let  the  proportion  be  inverse, 
and  precarious  incomes  be  the  most  heavily  taxed.  For  '  a  precarious 
income  pays  only  a  precarious  tax,  and  a  life  income  only  a  life  tax, 
while  hereditary  and  perpetual  incomes  yield  an  ever  recurring  per- 
centage to  the  State.'  Accordingly,  impose  the  higher  tax  on  pre- 
carious and  terminable  incomes,  that  you  _  may  make  the  most  of  the 
precarious  Income-Tax  payer  before  he  dies  or  is  ruined.  When  his 
means  of  subsistence  fail  him,  and,  the  Income-Tax  having  deprived 
him  of  all  that  he  could  have  saved,  he  is  being  sold  up,  with  the  work- 
house or  starvation  staring  hini  and  his  family  in  the  face,  you  may 
console  him  by  telling  him  that  his  Income-Tax  has  ceased  with  his 
income,  and  mock  his  misery  :  _  which  will  be  good  fun. 

"  Perhaps  the  Income-Tax  is  not  so  bitterly  execrated  as  it  is  said  to 
be.  Evasion  under  Schedule  D.  is  confessedly  uncommon.  It  may  be 
practised  here  and  there  by  an  unscrupulous  fellow  who  says  to  himself, 
'  Really  this  tax  is  too  absurd  an  imposition.  Of  course  I  ought  not  to 
cheat  the  Government,  but  then  neither  ought  I  to  cheat  myself;  and 


September  21,  1861.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


121 


if,  on  the  one  baud,  1  owe  my  country  my  just  contribution  to  its 
expenses,  on  the  other  it  is  my  patriotic  duty  to  offer  all  the  resistance 
I  can  to  a  public  swindle.'  Few  doubtless  are  they  who  act  on  this 
erroneous  reasoning.  There  is  perhaps  one  class  of  precarious  incomes 
which  in  some  instances  may  not  be  quite  correctly  returned  under 
Schedule  D.  These  are  the  incomes  of  thieves  and  pickpockets ;  who, 
however,  when  they  repent  and  abandon  their  dishonest  courses,  no 
doubt  remit  all  their  unpaid  Income-Tax  to  the  Chancellor  op  the 
Exchequer  under  the  name  of  conscience-money. 

"Mr.  D.  Chad  wick  bebeves  that  'the  estimated  uniform  rate  of 
one  halfpenny  in  the  pound  on  the  capitalised  value  of  all  incomes 
would  produce  £20,000,000  per  annum."  Against  the  scheme  of 
capitalising-  the  value  of  all  incomes  in  order  to  subject  it  to  the  extor- 
tionate uniformity  of  a  tax  of  one  halfpenny  in  the  pound  I  protest, 
'  on  behalf  of  fiscal  equality  and  justice,'  which  are  very  different 
things  from  justice  and  equality  as  understood  by  the  greasy  vulgar. 
"  I  am,  Mr.  Punch,  your  obedient  Servant, 

"  Grasses." 


THREE  BOWS  TO  A  STRING. 

The  subjoined  advertisement,  copied  from  the  Glasgoio  Herald,  is 
rather  more  amusing  than  intelligible  : — 

MATRIMONY. — Three  Young  Gentlemen,  wishing  to  commence  busi- 
ness in  Glasgow,  are  desirous  to  meet  with  a  Young  Lady,  possessed  of  good 
looks,  an  amiable  temper,  and  a  few  hundred  pounds,  with  a  view  to  Matrimony. 
The  Lady  will  have  her  choice  of  the  three  Gentlemen.     Address  "  Trio," 

On  behalf  of  numerous  lovely  beings  who  have  applied  to  us  with  a 
request  to  procure  them  suitable  employment,  we  should  like  to  know 
whether  the  three  young  gentlemen  who  wish  to  commence  business, 
and  who  advertise  for  a  wife  amongst  them,  intend  trading  as  partners, 
or  whether  the  partnership  contemplated  is  to  be  simply  matrimonial, 
between  the  young  lady  and  the  young  gentleman  she  may  select  out 
of  the  "Trio."  Do  they,  for  commercial  or  domestic  reasons,  desire  to 
have  a  wife  in  the  firm,  or  is  their  advertisement  a  speculation  in  which 
they  have  joined  by  clubbing  together  tbe  means  of  paying  for  its 
insertion,  in  order  to  give  one  of  them  the  chance  of  getting  a  wife  with 
a  little  money  ?  Whichever  theory  may  be  adopted,  it  will  too  probably 
be  the  opinion  of  any  young  lady  possessing  a  few  hundred  pounds, 
who  may  read  the  above  announcement,  that  she  had  much  better  keep 
her  portion  in  her  pocket  than  invest  it  in  any  engagement  with  "Trio," 
or  with  one  of  the  Triad,  inasmuch  as  in  such  a  transaction  the  odds 
against  her  would  be  three  to  one.  Two  to  one,  however,  is  the  sign  or 
symbol  of  "Trio,"  and  this  consideration  may  suggest  the  surmise 
that  the  business  which  "Trio"  propose  to  commence  may  be  that  of 
the -minor  species  of  money-merchant  who  is  popularly  represented  as 
standing  towards  his  customers  in  the  endearing  relation  of  Uncle. 

We  cannot  quit  this  subject  without  remarking  that  fancy  depicts  the 
Three  Young  Gentlemen  of  Glasgow  competing  for  the  choice  to  be 
exercised  by  the  Young  Lady  on  the  detur  pulchriori  principle,  by 
dancing  before  her  simultaneously  to  a  fast  tune  on  the  bagpipe. 


FEAST  OF  ST.  SEPULCHRE. 


An  appetite  is  the  usual  reward  of  bodily  exertion,  but  is  not  gene- 
rally supposed  to  result  from  religious  exercises.  Devotion,  however, 
though  it  may  not  excite  Protestant  hunger,  would,  by  the  subjoined 
announcement,  cut  out  of  the  Liverpool  Daily  Post,  appear  to  have  the 
effect  of  making  Catholics  "  peckish  " : 

TPHE  CATHOLIC  CEMETERY  CHURCH,  FORD,  will  be  Opened 
J-  on  Sunday  next,  the  8th  instant,  at  Half-past  Eleven  o'clock.  High  Mass 
(weather  permitting)  wiR  be  sung  in  the  open  air,  with  fidl  orchestra.  Sermon  by 
Lis  Lordship,  the  Bishop.  Collections  wiR  be  made.  Admission  to  the  Ground,  6d.  ; 
Reserved  Seats,  Is.  :  Carriages  (each),  Is.  Refreshments  wiR  be  provided  on  the 
ground.    A  train  leaves  the  Exchange  Station  at  9  o'clock,  and  Sandhills  at  9-5. 

The  intimation  that  "  refreshments  will  be  provided  on  the  ground," 
appears  to  have  referred  to  an  important  part  of  the  arrangements  for 
the  intended  ceremony.  It  is  emphatically  repeated  in  the  other  adver- 
tisement following,  extracted  from  the  same  paper : — 

pONSECRATION  OF  THE  CEMETERY  CHURCH  AT  FORD, 
v^  by  the  Right  Rev.  Dr.  Goss,  Bishop  of  Liverpool,  on  Sunday  next,  the  8th 
instant.  Dinners  and  refreshments  wiU  be  provided  on  the  ground  by  Me. 
Barrett,  of  the  London  Hotel,  Clayton  Square.  First-class  Dinner,  2s.  63.  ;  Second- 
class,  Is.  (>d.  Trains  will  start  from  Exchange  Station,  Liverpool,  for  Seaforth,  at 
9  a.m.  and  1.20  p.m. 

Really,  the  consecration  of  a  cemetery  Church  seems  to  be  quite  a  jolly 
affair  in  the  estimation  of  some  of  our  CathoHc  friends.  Is  it  heretical  to 
suggest  that  there  seems  something  grim  in  these  sepulchral  festivities  ? 
Odd  notions  about  fasting  we  all  ascribe  to  Cathobcs,  but  few  will  be 
prepared  to  find  that  their  ideas  of  a  feast  are  so  peculiar.  A  pic-nic  in 
a  cemetery  does  seem  a  strange  repast.  The  burial-ground  had  not  as 
yet  been  used;  otherwise  tombstones  might  have  served  for  tables. 
What  was  the  musical  accompaniment  to  these  stomachic  solemnities  ? 


De  profundi*,  followed  by  The  Roast  Beef  of  Old  England  ?  The  latter 
chant  would  have  been  as  appropriate  as  the  former,  unless  "  funeral 
baked  meats "  were  the  only  form  of  animal  food  consumed,  on  that 
occasion,  by  the  faithful. 


HARVEST  AT  WHOAM  AND  ABROAD. 


We  've  had  a  good  harvest,  my  neighbours, 

Considerun  a  med  ha'  bin  wus ; 
Zo  now  let  us  rest  vroin  our  labours, 

And  matters  in  general  discuss. 
Our  innurds  wi'  drink  full  and  mate  full, 

We  sets  here  our  long  pipes  behind, 
Whosomedevcr  wun't  own  his  self  grateful, 

He  ought  to  be  'prison'd  and  fined. 

We  've  had  a  long  spell  o'  fine  weather, 

In  state  and  in  sason  as  well ; 
At  pace  and  in  quiet  together, 

Like  cattle  and  ship  we  do  dwell. 
Whereas,  for  the  zake  o'  comparun, 

When  round  us  we  takes  a  survey, 
We  looks  upon  Christians  a  tearun 

Ache  other  like  beastes  o'  prey.    . 

Sad  work  them  there  Yankees  be  makun  ■ 

The  hogsheads  o'  blood  they  must  sheet ! 
And  fellers  our  own  languidge  spakmi, 

Wherein  they  med  better  ha'  read  ! 
And  'taint  only  maimun  and  killun, 

I  may  say,  their  kinsfolk  and  friends ; 
But  they  flings  away  every  shilbm 

In  powder  and  shot  as  they  spends. 

There 's  Austria  too  iu  disquiet  • 

The  Emperire  bke  to  be  wrecked  : 
They  've  took  away  Hungary's  Diet, 

And  what  can  sitch  tyrants  expect  ? 
Then  Venus,  as  hates  'em  like  pison, 

Till  they  be  stuck  fast  in  a  mess, 
Eides  only  her  time  for  arisun 

Straightways  Garibawldy  cries  "  Sess ! " 

In  Naples  the  thieves  and  banditty, 

In  which  is  young  Bombaloo's  hope, 
Hobs,  murders,  and  burns  without  pity, 

Turned  loose  on  the  land  by  the  Pope. 
And  the  Pope  in  his  slippers  is  shakun, 

For  fear  lest  the  French  should  goo  whoam, 
And  lave  un  to  save  his  old  bacon, 

By  takun  French  leaf  too  from  Rhoam. 

The  whirlwind  abroad  they  be  reapun, 

Cause  why  'twas  the  wind  as  they  sow'd ; 
When  the  tempests  be  sprung  up  and  sweepun, 

In  course  them  they  sweeps  must  be  blow'd. 
So,  not  for  to  prache  a  long  sarmon, 

Let 's  mind  what  we  puts  into  ground. 
Success  then,  I  '11  now  say,  to  farmun, 

Wi'  that,  mates,  here's  to'ee  all  round. 


Only  a  Letter.— General  Forey  is  to  command  the  first  division 
of  the  Army  of  Paris.  Considering  the  probable  occupations  that  await 
the  French  army  on  the  Rhine  and  in  Belgium, — to  say  nothing  of  Italy 
and  places  nearer  home, — the  General  should  change  one  letter  of  his 
name  by  Imperial  licence,  and  be  henceforth  General  Foray. 


122 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[September  21,  1861. 


YAVl.  hk   ^LOATEKSl' 


HOW  TO   MAKE   A  WATERING-PLACE   PLEASANT   TO  VISITORS,   PARTICULARLY   INVALIDS. 

Time,  6'30  a.m.     (A  Hint  to  the  Powers  that  be  at  Sandbath.) 


FUN  AT  EAST  BRENT. 

Annually,  for  the  last  four  years  about  this  time,  at  East  Brent, 
Somersetshire,  a  harvest  home,  got  up  by  the  vicar,  the  famous  Arch- 
deacon Denison,  has  been  celebrated  with'  much  festivity.  This  year 
the  East  Brent  Harvest  Home  is  reported  to  have  been  particularly 
festive.  A  Bishop  made  a  joke  !  The  Right  Rev.  the  Lord  Bis  nor 
oe  Bath  and  Wells  (Baron  Auckland),  after  dinner,  in  answering 
to  the  toast  of  the  Bishop  and  Clergy,  took  occasion  to  say : — 

"  This  year  we  were  not  obliged  to  buy  as  last  year,  and  if  we  did  so  buy  a  great 
deal  of  money  would  go  to  Bull  Run.  (Laughter.)  We  knew  enough  of  Bull  Run 
without  being  desirous  of  allowing  money  to  rim  there  for  corn.  (Renewed  laughter). " 

Bravo  !    Lord  Bishop : — 

Your  attempt  at  a  pun 
That  you  made  upon  "run," 
Was  uncommon  good  fun, 
Therefore  Punch  owes  you  one. 

Two  words  of  different  meanings  and  the  same  sound  in  the  same 
sentence — according  to  that  definition  of  a  pun,  the  Bishop's  was  per- 
fect. Certainly  it  quite  achieved  the  end  of  all  punning ;  which  is 
and  ever  was  to  create  amusement  and  to  set  the  table  in  a  roar.  May 
we  never  make  a  worse.  It  is  the  fashion  to  affect  contempt  for  puns. 
The  poor  conundrums  of  the  time  want  countenance;  so  again,  Bravo 
Bishop  !    It  was  a  former  Bishop  of  Bath  and  Wells  who  sang : — 

"  I  need  no  roast  but  a  nut-brown  toast 
To  keep  me  from  the  cold ; 
I  am  so  wrapiped,  and  thoroughly  lapped 
In  jolly  good  ale  and  old." 

And  when  lie  was  in  that  state  no  doubt  he  made  puns. 

The  Ven.  Chairman  himself  also  came  out  if  not  exactly  as  a  regular 
joker,  yet  in  a  considerably  jocose  style.  Having  proposed  the  health 
of  the  Volunteers — 

"He  added  that  he  had  never  much  fear  of  invasion,  but  if  hostile  Frenchmen 
set  foot  on  our  shore,  he  should  be  inclined  to  forget  his  character  as  a  minister  of 
the  Church  of  England,  and  do  his  best  to  shoot  them." 


By  all  means  let  the  Venerable  and  jolly  Archdeacon  Denison 
forget  his  clerical  character,  if  necessary,  hi  order  to  shoot  foreign 
invaders.  We  only  hope  that  he  will  never  forget  his  character  as  a 
minister  of  the  Church  of  England  iii  affecting  that  of  a  Roman  Catholic 
priest.  May  his  fighting,  as  a  volunteer  of  the  Church  militant  ever 
remain  limited  to  the  field  of  theological  polemics.  If,  however,  he 
should  ever  be  called  upon  to  wield  the  rifle  instead  of  the  pen,  and, 
instead  of  combating  clerical  opponents,  to  do  battle  with  invading 
foreigners,  we  trust  that  he  will  prove  himself  a  hero  of  the  Church 
triumphant ;  and  that  his  comrade  in  glory  will  be  the  reverend  artil- 
leryman whose  name  appears  in  the  paragraph  hereinunder  quoted  : — ■ 

"  The  Rev.  T.  Hugo,  chaplain  of  the  oldest  volunteer  regiment,  the  Hon.  Artil- 
lery Company,  also  responded.  In  case  of  an  invasion,  he  expressed  his  intention 
of  carrying  his  black  cassock  side  by  side  with  the  red  coat,  and  sharing  the  victory 
or  defeat." 

The  victory  of  course,  brave  Hugo,  and  reverend  as  brave.  We 
shall  have  the  pleasure  of  hailing  you  victor,  and  then  of  course  your 
name  will  go  down  to  posterity  as  the  British  Victor  Hugo.  We 
can't  help  saying  so.    Quits  to  the  Bishop  oe  Bath  and  Wells  ! 

Among  the  company  present  we  did  not  notice  the  name  of  the 
Rev.  Mr.  Ditcher.  Everybody  recollects  the  case  of  Ditcher  v. 
Denison.  If  the  plaintiff  and  defendant  in  that  renowned  ecclesiastical 
suit  have  not  already  shaken  hands,  perhaps  they  will  fraternise  before 
this  time  twelvemonth,  and  then,  at  the  next  East  Brent  Harvest 
Home, — 

Denison  to  Ditcher 

Will  quaff  a  friendly  pitcher, 

And  Ditcher  unto  Denison 

Likewise  drink  health  and  benison. 

Burying  all  unkhidness  hi  the  bowl,  and  so  sinking  their  differences  (as 
the  Bishop  of  Bath  and  Wells  would  say)  over  the  beer. 


A  New  Sovereign  for  the  United  States. — Martial  Law,  vice 
King  Mob,  put  under  restraint. 


Printed  by  William  Bradburv,  of  No.  13.  Upper  Woburn  Place,  and  Frederick  Mullett  Evans,  of  No.  19,  Queen's  Road  West.  Regent's  Park,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Pancras,  in  the  County  of  Middlesex. 
Printers,  at  their  Office  in  Lombard  Street,  in  the  Precinct  of  Whitefriars,  i"  the  City  of  London,  and  Published  by  them  at  No.  85,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  Crtyot  London,— 
Saivedai,  September  21,  1861. 


This  day  is  Published,  in  Three  Vols.,  Price  £1  lis.  6d., 


COMPLETION    OF    THE    ENGLISH    CYCLOPEDIA. 

This  day  is  Published,  Vol.  8,  Price  12s.,  of 

THE    ENGLISH    CYCLOPEDIA 

OF  ARTS  AND  SCIENCES. 

This  Volume  completes  the  Division  of  Arts  and  Sciences,  and  the  entire  Work.  ] 

Part  22,  Price  2s.  6d.f  was  published  on  the  1st  inst. 

Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


RE-ISSUE      OF      PUNCH. 


The  Double  Volume  for  1S44  (Vols.  6  and  7  together),  Price  10s.  6d.,  in  cloth,  and 

Vol.  7,  price  5s.,  in  boards,  are  now  ready. 

Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI,  September  28,  1861. 


"FAMILY  TICKETS  TO  HAS- 

J.  TINGS,  ST.  LEONARDS,  and  EAST- 
BOURNE for  one  or  more  persons,  available  for 
ONE  MONTH,  or  for  extended  periods  from  Vic- 
toria, London  Bridge,  and  Norwood  Junction 
Statious.at  REDUCED  FARES,  by  theBRIGHTON 
and  SOUTH  COAST  LINE,  on  application  at  the 
Booking  Offices  at.  the  above  Stations,  or  at  43, 
Regent  Circus,  Piccadilly.  Fares  there  and  back  : 
To  Hastings  and  St.  Leonards,  First  Class,  by 
Express  Trains,  25s.;  by  Ordinary  Trains,  21s.; 
Second  Class  by  Express,  10s. \  by  Ordinary,  lfis. 
To  Eastbourne  by  both  Ordinary  and  Express  Trains. 
First  Class, Sis.;  Second  Class,  14s. 

PAEIS  IN  TWELVE  HOURS 

Jt  and  a  HALF,  via  Dieppe,  by  the  new 
DAILY  TIDAL  SERVICE,  with  Special  Express 
Tidal  Trains  both  on  the  English  and  French  Rail- 
ways.  20s.  Second  Class,  28s.  First  Class.  Return 
Tickets  issued.  Two  departures  daily  (except 
Sundays)  —  For  hours  of  departure,  from  London 
Bridge  and  Victoria,  see  the  "  Times"  daily. 


PARKINS  &GOTT0 
25  OXFORD  STlondon 


THE  MAGIC  SPURGEON 
(Copyright).— A  magical  life-like  POR- 
TRAIT of  the  most  popular  orator  of  the  day-  w  hen 
placed  on  the  floor  dances  gracefully,  defying  detec- 
tion.  Sent  free  by  return  for  18  stamps. 

The  Wizard's  Box  of  Magic— six  new  tricks  by 
return  free  for  20  stamps. 

The  Wizard's  Note-Book  on  Magic.    Free  for 
Seven  Stamps. 

W.  Gheig,  6,  South    Row,    Carnaby    Street,    W-, 
London. 

TOE  MAGIC  BONNIE  FISH- 

<&•  WIFE  (Copyright),  the  most  charac- 
teristic Magical  Figure  ever  seen,  accompanied  with 
the  Scotch  Ballad  of  "Caller  HerrmV  This  amus- 
ing figure  defies  all  detection ;  the  Fishwife  being 
placed  ou  the  floor,  immediately  commences  to 
dance,  Sent  post  free,  with  full  instructions,  on 
receipt  of  "20  stamps.  The  Wizard's  Box  of  Magic — 
six  new  tricks  by  return  free  for  20  stamps.  The 
Wizard's  Note  Book  on  Magic,  free  for  7  stamps. 
UtW.  Greeg,  6,  South  Row,  Carnaby  Street,  Great 
Marlborough  Street,  W.,  London. 


fCENTLEMMlcO^LETE. 


^LADIES'- £ 


i  FITTED 
-^COMPLETE. 

OPF0SITE/MNTHE0N 


ANTED,     LEFT-OFF 

CLOTHES,     Uniforms,    Furniture, 

Miscellaneous  Property,  &c.      The    highest  price 

jj       given.  Ladies  or  Gentlemen  waited  on  by  addressing 

|       to  Mu.  or  Mas.  G.  II yah,  10,  Beak  Street,  Regent 

Street,  W.;  or  Parcels  being  sent  the  utmost  value 

in  cash  immediately  remitted.    Established  1820. 

jj    THE  BEST  APERIENT  AND 

<&  ANTIBILIOUS  MEDICINE  is  Dr. 
Hugo's  Medical  Atobis,  they  are  mild  and  quick 
in  their  action,  are  small  and  have  a  most  agreeable 
taste.  Sold  in  packets  at  U.  l£tf.,  2s.  9rf.,  and  4s.  6d.s 
I      and  by  all  Druggists. 

THE    OLD     LUXURY- 

■&  (now  styled  at  other  Establishments 
The  New  Luxury').— NEAPOLITAN  ICES,  as  first 
introduced  into  this  country  by  Her  a  Kuu"N,  can 
only  be  had  in  perfection  at  his  Cafe  Restaurant, 

'|  Hanover  Street,  Regent  Street,  and  also  as  now  sup- 
plied by  him  every  evening  at  Mellon's  Promenade 

!j      Concerts,  Royal  Italian  Opera,  Covent  Garden. 

)    PAU  BE  VIE —THIS  PURE 

,i     Ai  BRANDY,    18s.   per   gallon ;    39s.  per 
')      dozen  Case,  is  to  be  obtained  only  direct  from 
j  Henry  Bkktt  &  Co.,  Old  Funrival's  Distillery, 

Holbom,  EC. 


NO  MORE  PILLS  OS  OTHER  MEDICINES  E0R  OLD  OR  YOUNG. 

"We  find  the  safest  remedy  in  DU  BARRY'S  delicious  health-restoring 

m. 

For  Habitual  Constipation,  Dyspepsia  (Indigestion).  Palpitation,  Acidity,  Flatulency,  Phlegm, 
Nausea,  Consumption,  Coughs,  Colds,  Asthma,  Bronchitis,  Haemorrhoids,  Nervousness,  Bilious- 
ness, Torpidity  of  the  Liver,  Low  Spirits,  Irritability,  Sleeplessness,  Noises  in  Head  or  Ears, 
Debility,  &c."— Andrew  Ure,  M.D.,  F.R.S.  ;  Dr.  Harvey,  Dr.  Shoiland,  Dr.  Campbell. 

Dr.  Wurzer's  Testimonial : — "  Du  Barry's  Food  is  particularly  effective  in  curing  dyspepsia 
(indigestion),  habitual  constipation,  as  also  diarrhosa,  bowel  and  liver  complaints,  affections  of 
the  kidneys,  bladder,  and  of  the  urethra  and  haemorrhoids,  also  in  cough,  asthma,  debility,  and 
pulmonary  and  bronchial  consumption." — Dr.  Rud.  Wurzer,  Prof,  of  Medicine  and  Practical  M.D. 

We  extract  a  few  out  of  many  thousand  cures: — Cure,  No.  1,771.  Lord  Stuart  de  Decies,  of 
many  years'  dyspepsia. — No.  49,832.  "  Fifty  years'  indescribable  agony  from  dyspepsia,  nerv- 
ousness, asthma,  cough,  constipation,  flatulency,  spasms,  sickness,  and  vomiting.  Maria  Joly, 
of  Lynn,  Norfolk." — Cure,  No.  58,816.  Field-Marshal  the  Duke  of  Pluskow,  of  dyspepsia,  con- 
stipation, nervousness,  and  liver  complaints. — Cure,  No.  47,121.  Miss  Elizabeth  Jacobs,  Nazing 
Vicarage,  Waltham  Cross,  Herts,  of  extreme  nervousness,  indigestion,  gatherings,  low  spirits, 
and  nervous  fancies. — Cure,  No.  54,81fi.  The  Rev.  James  T.  Campbell,  Syderstone  Rectory,  near 
Fakenham,  Norfolk,  "of  indigestion  and  torpidity  of  the  liver,  which  had  resisted  all  medical 
treatment ;  inquiries  will  be  cheerfully  answered." 

Less  expensive  and  far  more  strengthening  than  Tea,  Coffee,  Cocoa,  and  Cod  Liver  Oil,  this 
delicious  food  saves  all  Doctors'  and  Apothecary's  Bills,  and  50  times  its  cost  in  other  remedies. 

Packed  in  tins,  1  lb.,  2s.  9d.  :  2  lb.,  4s.  (irf.  ;  5  lb.,  lis.  :  121b.,  22s.  ;  24  lb.,  free  of  carriage,  40s. 
Super  refined  quality,  10  lb.,  S3s. — Barry  Dc  Barry  &  Co.,  No.  77,  Regent  Street,  London  ;  also 
Fortnom,  Mason  &,  Co. ;  and  at  60,  Gracechureb.  Street ;  4,  Cheapside  :  63  and  150,  Oxford 
Street ;  229,  330,  430,  and  451,  Strand;  and  through  all  respectable  Grocers  and  Chemists, 


fjOALS.-BEST  COALS  ONLY. 

W  —CO0KERELL&  Go's  price  is  now  25s. 
perTon  cash  for  the  BEST  SCREENED  COAX.S 
as  supplied  by  them  to  Her  Majesty.  IS  Cor'.lnl' 
Purflecr  Wharf,  Earl  Street,  BlacWriirrs,  E.G." 
Eaton  Wharf,  Grosvenor  Canal,  Pimllco,  S.W.*' 
and  Sunderland  Wharf,  Peekham,  S.E. 


PRICHARD'S       AROMATIC 

Jfc  STEEL  PILLS,  for  restoring  vigour  to 
weak  and  relaxed  constitutions,  surpass  all  other 
medicines  ever  offered  to  the  public.  In  boxes 
Is.  l£d.,  2s.  9d.t  4s.  6d.,  and  lis. 

Address,  fi&,  ■Charing  Cross. 

MATS,    TURBANS,    AND 
WIDE-A-  WAKES  only  2s.  and  3s,  each. 
(Box  included),  sent  to  any  part  of  the  United  King- 
dom on  receipt  of  amount. 
The  new  Patent  Collars  (if?,  per  dozen  post  free. 
Arthur  Granger,  Patentee,  30S.  High  Iiolborn. 
W.C. 

EXTRACT  OF  ROSES,  FOR 

*&^  Cleansing,  Preserving',  and  Beautifying 
the  Hair— imparts  to  the  Hair  the  fragrance  of  the 
Kose,  and  gives  it  that  smooth  and  glossy  appear- 
ance so  desirable  in  the  present  style  of  dressing 
the  hair.    Sb.,  5s.,  and  lUs. 

H.  lliGGE,  35,  New  Bond  Street. 


DR.  DE  JONGH'S 

{Knight  oftlie  Order  of  Leopold  of  Belgiv/m 


,:., 


y 


Pre 


scribed  by  the  most  eminent  Medical  Men  throughout  the  world  as  the  safest,  speediest, 

and  most  effectual  remedy  for 

CONSUMPTION,    CHRONIC   BRONCHITIS,  ASTHMA,  COUGHS,    RHEUMATISM,  GOUT, 

GENERAL    LEBILITY,    DISEASES   OF   THE    SKIN,    RICKETS,  INFANTILE  WASTING, 

AND   ALL  SCROFULOUS  AFFECTIONS, 

7s  incomparably  Superior  to  every  other   Variety. 


SELECT    MEDICAL    OPINIONS  : 

SIR  HENRY  MARSH,  Bart.,  M.B.,  Physician  in  Ordinary  to  the  Queen  in 
Ireland. — "  I  consider  Dr.  de  Jongh's  Cod  Liver  Oil  to  be  a  very  pure  Oil,  not  likely  to  create 
disgust,  and  a  therapeutic  agent  of  great  value." 

SIR  JOSEPH  OLLIFFE,  M.D.,  Physician  to  the  British  Embassy  at  Paris.— 
'*  I  have  frequently  prescribe'!  Dr.  de  Jongh's  Light  Brown  Cod  Liver  Oil,  and  I  have  every 
reason  to  be  satisfied  with  its  beneficial  and  salutary  effects." 

DR.  LiiNKESTER,  F.R.S. —  'I  deem  the  Cod  Liver  Oil  sold  under  Dr.  de  Jongh's 
guarantee  to  be  preferable  to  any  other  kind  as  regards  genuineness  and  medicinal  efficacy." 

DB.  LAWRANCE,  Physician  to  H.R.H.  the  Duke  of  Saxe-Coburg  and  Gotha.— "I 
invariably  prescribe  Dr.  de  Jongh's  Oil  in  preference  to  any  other,  feeling  assured  that  I  am 
recommending  a  genuine  article,  and  not  a  manufactured  compound  in  which  the  efficacy  of 
this  invaluable  medicine  is  destroyed." 

Dr.  de  Jongh's  Light-Brown  Cod  Liver  Oil  is  sold  only  in  imperial  half-pints,  2s.  6d.  ; 
pints,  4s.  Oil.  ;  quarts  9s.  ;  capsuled  and  labelled  with  his  stamp  and  signature,  without  which 
none  can  possibly  be  genuine,  by  respectable  Chemists. 

Sole  Consignees  :— ANSAE,  HARFORD,  &  Co.,  77,  Strand,  London,  W.C. 
CAUTION.- — Beware  of  Proposed  Substitutions. 


B0TT0  &  Co.,  64,  Great  Tower  St.,  London,  E.G. 

PARIS  :— 44,  RUE  DU  FAUBOURG  DU  TEMPLE. 
PATRONISED  BY  ROYALTY. 


LIST  OF  WINES. 

Per  Case  of 

1  dos.  Qts 

BOTTO'S  Sparkling  Champagne 

.  4Ss.  and  A 1,  60s. 

,,          Sparkling  Amontillado-  . 

.     60s. 

,,          Sparkling  Saragossa 

.     48s. 

,,          Sparkling  Hock  .... 

.     48?. 

,,          Sparkling  Burgundy 

.     4SS. 

,,         Sparkling  Moselle 

.     4Ss. 

,,          Very  Best  Cognac     . 

.    48s. 

,,         Very  Best  Sherry 

.  36s. 

and  48s. 

,         Very  Best  Port 

.       39s. 

and  48s. 

LONDON,  DEPOT,  PAPJ3  DEPOT. 

C4,  GREAT  TOWER  STREET.  |      44,  RUE  DU  FAUBOURG  DU  TEMPLE. 

All  Orders  by  Post  accompanied  with  P.O.  Orders  wiU  be  sent  off  the  same  day. 
Shippers   and  the   Trade   Suppiied. 


WEDDIKG  AND 


PRESENTS,  &c. 


"DEG  to  solicit  the  honour  of  a  visit  from  their  numerous  Patrons  to  inspect  their  present 
■*-*  Stock,  which  is  in  every  respect  unrivalled,  comprising  Jewellery  in  all  its  branches.  Watches, 
French  Drawing  and  Dining  Room  and  Library  Clocks,  Garnitures  de  Cheminee.  Jewel  and 
Scent  Caskets,  Etui  Cases,  Mediaeval  Mounted  Envelope  and  Blotting  Cases  and  Inkstands 
en  suite  in  ''Thuya  Imperiale  "  and  other  choice  woods.  Ladies  and  Gentlemen's  Dressing 
Cases  with  Silver,  Silver-gilt  and  Plated  fittings,  Travelling  Dressing  Bags  fitted  complete. 
Reticule  and  Carriage  Bags,  Despatch  Boxes,  Travelling  and  Tourists'  Writing  Cases,  besides  a 
large  variety  of  other  Articles  too  numerous  to  specify,  suitable  for  Presentation. 

T.  A.  SIMPSON  &  Co., 

GOLDSMITHS,    JEWELLERS,  CLOCK  &  WATCH   MANUFACTURERS,  DRESSING-CASE 
MAKERS  AND  FOREIGN  IMPORTERS, 

254,  Begent  Street,  and  8,  Beak  Street,  W. 


HER  MAJESTY'S  VISIT  TO 
IRELAND.  —  Callaghan's  Opera, 
Race,  and  Field  Glasses,  matchless  for  power 
and  portability;  may  be  worn  round  the  neck  as  a 
double  eye-glass.  Invaluable  to  the  tourist,  and  for 
viewing  scenery  at  four  to  five  miles  distance  are 
preferred  to  the  telescope.  Equally  available  at  the 
opera-house,  race-course,  or  review.  Price  30s.,  45s., 
5lis  ,  70*.,  and  80s,,  according  to  size  and  power. — May 
be  had  at  Messrs.  Smith  &  Son's  Bookstalls  at 
the  principal  railway  stations:  and  in  Ireland  at 
Bray,  the  Curragh,  Killarney,  Kingstown,  Limerick 
Junction,  Mallow,  Newbridge,  and  21,  Lower  Sack- 
ville  Street,  Dublin;  or  will  be  sent  free  on  remit- 
tance to  William  Callaguan,  Optician,  23  a,  New 
Bond  Street,  W.,  corner  of  Cunduit  Street,  London. 

P 


pg  © 

ft  <i 

©  ©2 
©  Pq 

^^ 
W 

Pm 

© 


^owst^'  I 


ffR.    MARKWELL,     WINE 

2.VJL  Merchant  to  Her  Majesty,  Nos.  35  to 
40,  and  45,  Albemarle  Street,  and  4,  Stafford  Street, 
Piccadilly,  London,  W.  Naval  and  Military  Messes 
supplied.  Receipts  for,  and  Compounds  of,  Ameri- 
can Drinks.  The  still  and  sparkling  Catawba.  The 
Cahlbrnian  Champagne,  54s.  per  dozen.  Red  and 
white  Hungarian  Wines,  30s.  and  upwards  per  doz. 
The  celebrated  aromatic  Scheidain  Schnapps. 
Stoughton  &  Sickles'  Bitters.  Bourbon,  Mononga- 
hcla,  and  Old  Dominion  Whiskies. 


/'—~>\ 


w 

a> 

OS 

bn 

h3 

of 

w 

© 

w 


- 

: 

\',  I  •  pes™ 


W3  i 

■W  BOMD  ST/ 

■■   -/•■■    J 


P"? 


ffHE    POCKET     SIPHOUIA    BEPOT.-EDMISTON    AND     SON, 

Sole  Manufacturers  of  the  12  oz.  Waterproof  Coat  for  India,  guaranteed  not  to  be  sticky 


no  matter  tbe  climate  it  is  subject  to.     From  42s.,  all  silk  50s.  to  65s. 
the  length  and  size  round  the  chest.    Knapsacks  for  Tourists,  ISs.  6d. 


Measurement  required 


FISHING  STOCKINGS,  21s.  to  25s.  per  pair. 
CHARING   CROSS,   late   69,    STRAND. 


fJHTTBB'S   PATENT  DETEC- 

V  TOR  LOCKS:  Chubb's  Fire  and  Bur. 
glar  Proof  Safes;  Chubb's  Fireproof  Strong-room 
Doors  ;  Chubb's  Street-door  Latches,  with  small 
keys;  Chubb's  Cash  and  Deed  Boxes.— Illustrated 
Price  List  sent  free. 

Chubb  &  Son,  No.  6",  St.  Paul's  Churchyard. 

HEATING'S  PERSIAN  INSECT  DESTROYING 
POWDER. 

PLEAS  IN  DOGS,  POULTRY, 

*k  ,&c.,  are  instantly  destroyed,  as  also 
Bugs,  Beetles,  and  every  other  Insect,  by  this 
Powder,  which  is  perfectly  harmless  to  animal  life; 
sportsmen  particularly  will,  therefore,  find  it 
invaluable. 

Sold  in  Packets,  Is.,  2s.  bd.t  and  '4s.  Crf.  each,  or 
post  free  for  14,  or  treble  size  for  36  postage  stamps, 
by  Thomas  Keating,  Chemist,  79,  St.  Paul's 
Churchyard,  London. 

Take  notice  each  genuine  packet  bears  the  above 
name  and  address. 

COCKLE'S     AUTIBILIOUS 

v  PILLS,  a  medicine  now  in  use  among 
all  classes  of  Society  for  indigestion,  bilious,  liver, 
and  Stomach  Complaints.  Prepared  only  by  James 
Cockle,  18,  New  Ormond  Street,  and  to  be  had  of 
all  Medicine  Vendors,  in  boxes  at  Is.  1  jd.,  2s.  9d., 
and  4s.  6d. 

"  I  mark'd  it  well,  'twas  black  as  jet." 

TESSEY'S   MARKING   IFK. 

«  Established  in  1S3S.  An  intense  black, 
unaltered  by  washing,  as  testified  by  Dr.  Ure. 
See  Testimonial,  at  the  Proprietor's. 

J.  Lessei,  97,  High  Street,  Marylebone. 

T  ONDON  AND  RYDER,  late 

J«  Hancock,  Goldsmiths  and  Jewellers, 
17,  New  Bond  Street,  respectfully  invite  the  notice 
of  the  nobility,  &c,  to  their  New  Stock  of  Elegant 
Jewellery.  Every  article  in  the  best  possible  taste, 
and  at  moderate  prices.  A  variety  of  novelties  spe- 
cially adapted  for  Wedding  Souvenirs.  Diamonds 
rearranged,  &c.  17,  New  Bond  Street,  corner  of 
Clifford  Street.    Established  30  Years. 

©ATJCE.-LEA   &  PERKINS' 

&P  WORCESTERSHIRE  SAUCE.  Pro- 
nounced by  Connoisseurs  to  be  "The  only.  Good 
Sauce." 

Sold  Wholesale  and  for  Export,  by  the  Proprietors, 
Worcester;  Messrs.  Crosse  A  Blackwei.i,, London, 
&c.  &c,  and  by  Grocers  and  Oilmen  universally. 


September 


PUNCH, 


THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


1-23 


Old  Party.  "  Really,  Sir, — I  am  the  Manager  of  the  Line,  Sir 
persist  in  Smoking,  you  will  be  fined  Forty  Shillings,  Sir." 

Fast  Etonian.  "  Well,  old  Boy,  I  must  Jiave  my  Smoke  ;  so  you  may  as  well  take  you? 
Shillings  now." 


A  LIGHT-FINGERED  BRIGADE 
WANTED. 

The  brotherly  war  on  which  the  Americans 
have  entered,  will  not  be  wholly  unproductive  of 
beneficent  effects,  at  least  if  credit  be  attached  to 
the  following  accounts : — 

"It  is  said  that  not  a  single  one  of  Wilson's  Zouaves 
have  now  the  clothes  they  came  to  Fort  Pickens  in, 
having  stolen  each  other's  all  round,  and  that  old  Harvey 
I  15m  iwn  has  but  one  suit  of  clothes  left  (the  one  he  wears), 
and  has  to  sleep  under  a  body  guard  to  save  them  ;  and 
further,  that  Wilson  had  to  put  his  commission  in  the 
powder  magazine  to  keep  them  from  stealing  it." — 
Penmcola  Observe: 

"  Billy  Wilson's  Zouave  regiment  is  said  to  be  com- 
posed of  all  the  New  York  thieves." — Liverpool  Albion. 

If  the  latter  of  these  two  be  a  veritable  state- 
ment, we  really  think  the  Yankees  are  less  to  be 
condoled  with  than  they  are  to  be  congratulated 
for  the  quarrel  that  has  sprung  up  between  them 
and  the  South.  If  this  regiment  be  "  composed 
of  all  the  New  York  thieves,"  it  follows  that 
New  York  is  clear  of  their  society,  and  the  rid- 
dance of  such  rubbish  must  be  so  great  a  blessing, 
that  it  must  prevent  the  war  from  being  thought 
an  utter  curse.  Let  any  one  in  London  who 
has  just  lost  his  repeater,  or  had  his  purse 
stolen,  containing  something  more  than  trash, 
think  what  a  comfort  it  would  be  to  all  its  rob- 
bablc  inhabitants  if  all  the  thieves  of  London 
were  to  form  a  Zouave  regiment,  and,  leaving 
town  and  all  their  usual  avocations,  were  to 
amuse  themselves  with  filching  one  another's 
clothes.  Let  our  pickpockets  and  pilferers,  of 
every  sort  and  kind,  steal  out  of  our  streets 
with  all  possible  dispatch,  and  we  will  willingly 
subscribe  to  furnish  them  with  clothes,  so  that 
they  need  not  steal  each  other's  when  they  want 
to  come  out  smart. 


PROFESSOR    OWEN    ON    RELICS. 

"  Mr.  Punch, 

"In  a  literary  notice  of  a  new  book,  entitled  Alpine  Byways, 
allusion  is  made  to  a  circumstance  which  should  be  related  to  the 
Ultramontanes— a  heretic  would  perhaps  say  to  the  Ultramarines.  We 
are  informed  that — 

"  At  the  inn  on  the  Riffel  the  author  met  Professor  Owen,  who  gave  an  amusing 
account  of  his  visit  to  Cologne,  and  his  examination  of  the  vast  collection  of  the 
(so-called)  bones  of  the  11,000  Virgins,  there  religiously  preserved  in  the  Church  of 
St.  Ursula.  The  Professor  announced  the  collection  to  consist  of  the  remains  of 
various  descriptions  of  creatures,  amongst  which  horses  and  asses,  cats  and  dogs, 
had  numerous  representatives." 

"  Everybody,  of  course,  knows  that  the  relics  which  have  been  for  ages 
preserved  at  Cologne  by  the  piety  of  an  enlightened  clergy,  as  the  bones 
of  11,000  Virgins,  are  really  the  osseous  remains  of  that  number  of 
British  maidens,  '  all  bound  from  Cornwall  to  be  married  in  Armorica, 
carried  by  tempests  up  the  Rhine  to  the  city  of  Cologne,  and  there 
martyred  by  an  army  of  Huns  under  Attila.'  How  is  it  that  bones, 
which  Catholic  tradition  has  attributed  to  the  human  subject,  are  found 
by  Professor  Owen  to  have  been  derived  from  the  lower  animals  ? 

"A  little  while  ago,  a  very  profound  theologian,  animadverting,  under 
the  signature  of  Cogitans,  in  the  Tablet,  on  Essays  and  Reviews,  sug- 
gested, in  order  to  account  for  certain  geological  facts  which,  according 
to  infallible  dogma,  ought  not  to  be,  that,  during  the  formation  of  the 
world,  the  fossil  remains  of  the  ichthyosaurus,  megatherium,  and  such 
like  extinct  animals,  may  possibly  have  been  transported  hither  from 
some  other  planet,  and  interpolated  among  the  strata  constituting  our 
earth's  crust,  by  the  devil.  According  to  this  conjecture,  when  the 
crust  of  the  earth  was  fashioned,  the  Author  of  Evil  had  a  finger  in  the 
pie.  He  put  these  fraudulent  fossils  into  it,  and  the  geologists  who,  on 
those  fallacious  evidences,  assign  to  the  globe  a  higher  antiquity  than 
what  the  Church  allows,  may  be  supposed  to  have  been  deceived  and 
misled  into  that  heresy  by  a  scientific  imposture,  the  work  of  diabolical 
agency. 

"  If  we  adopt  the  foregoing  theory,  which  obviously  commends  itself 
to  common  sense,  we  can  have  little  difficulty  in  concluding  that  the 
horses',  asses',  cats',  and  dogs'  bones  discovered,  on  examination  by 
Professor  Owen,  to  constitute  the  collection  of  relics  exhibited  to 
him  as  those  of  the  Cologne  Virgins,  were  just  so  many  surreptitious 
osteological  specimens,  with  which  the  devil  baited  his  trap  to  catch  a 
philosopher. 

"  The  only  conceivable  objection  to  this  hypothesis  lies  in  the  question, 
what  could  have  become  of  the  genuine  Virgins'  bones  ?    The  devil,  of 


course,  durst  not  touch  those  holy  relics  witli  his  own  paws ;  it  is, 
therefore,  to  be  concluded  that  he  instigated  somebody  to  put  them  out 
of  the  way. 

"  St.  Ursula's  Church  contains  her  tomb.  If  that  were  opened,  I 
should  not  be  at  all  surprised  if  it  proved  to  enclose  the  skeleton  of  a 
small  she-bear.  In  the  same  sacred  edifice  the  heads  of  the  Three  Magi 
are  also  exhibited.  They,  too,  might  have  been  replaced  with  the 
crania  of  quadrupeds.  Had  Professor  Owen  examined  them,  and 
discovered  that  they  were,  in  reality,  the  skulls  of  so  many  jackasses, 
that  revelation  would  have  not  at  all  astonished,  but,  on  the  contrary, 
would  have  highly  edified,  and  confirmed  the  faith  of  your  enthusiastic 
reader, 

"Boa  Constrictor." 

"P.S.  When  the  relics  of  a  Saint  are  'translated,'  do  not  suppose 
that  his  head,  necessarily  undergoes  the  metamorphosis  which  was 
operated  on  that  of  Bully  Bottom" 


AN  IRISH  BULL  FROM  ERANCE. 

One  of  the  annoyances  of  being  in  high  station  is,  that  public  notice 
is  certain  to  be  taken  of  your  bodily  infirmities,  and  signs  of  failing 
youth.    Thus,  speaking  of  the  Emperor,  says  a  letter  from  Chalons  :— 

"  He  looks  older  and  stouter  than  he  did  in  Italy,  and  seems  to  have  some  <luS- 
culty  in  walking.  All  this  does  not  appear  when  he  is  on  horseback,  but  is  very 
visible  on  foot." 

Indeed,  that  is  extraordinary!  We  have  rarely  read  a  statement 
more  painstaking  in  minuteness,  and  where  greater  care  was  taken  to 
prevent  a  misconception  of  the  nicely-worded  truth.  By  saying  that 
the  Emperor's  "  difficulty  in  walking  "  is  not  at  all  observable  '  when 
he  is  on  horseback,"  the  writer  leaves  small  doubt  that  Ireland  is  his 
birthplace,  and  that  he  is  skilful  in  breeding  Irish  bulls.  But  when  he 
adds,  that  the  Imperial  impediment  in  walking  is  readily  perceptible 
when  he  is  on  foot,  we  must  admire  the  bold  redundancy  of  speech 
which  leaves  no  chance  of  misconceiving  the  intention  of  the  text. 

By  the  way,  the  Emperor  is  rather  fond  of  bull-fights,  and  has 
recently,  at  Biarritz,  enjoyed  the  treat  of  seeing  some.  As  a  far  less 
savage  pastime,  we  advise  him  to  get  up  a  course  of  Irish  bull-fights, 
and  to  invite  men  in  his  presence  to  contend  in  bloodless  strife— not  in 
killing,  but  concocting  the  cleverest  Irish  bull.  If  our  friendly  bint  hr, 
taken,  and,  as  the  Emperor  loves  Punch,  we  have  Little  doubt  it  will 
we  certainly  would  back  the  correspondent  we  have  quoted  to  compete 
against  all  comers  in  breeding  Irish  bulls. 


VOL.  XXI. 


PUNCH, 


LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[September  28,  1861. 


A  London  Preventive  Service  Man  talcing  his  Three  Months'  Tern  for  the  Season. 


HOW  TO  SINK  ONE'S  NAME. 

Should  Garibaldi  ever  accept  the  command 
of  the  Federal  troops,  we  propose  that,  out  of 
respect  to _  his  former  achievements,  he  should 
modestly  sink  his  own  name — or,  rather,  change 
it,  to  prevent  its  sinking;  but,  at  the  same  time, 
we  suggest  that  he  should  adopt  one  that  would 
still  show  that  he  was  of  Italian  extraction.  For 
this  purpose,  we  do  not  think  he  could  do  better 
than  assume  the  illustrious  cognomen,  that  is 
immortalised  in  the  national  anthem  of  Ya?ikee 
Doodle,  of  Maccaiioni.  Thus,  not  only  would 
he  carefully  avoid  being  confounded  with  the 
Americans,  but  he  would  also  flatter  the  dearest 
prejudices  of  the  brave  troops  he  was  com- 
manding. We  cannot  help  thinking  that 
"  Lieutenant-General  Maccaroni,  Com- 
mander-in-Chief of  all  the  Federal  Forces," 
would  sound  extremely  grand. 


Union  is  not  Alwsys  Strength. 

We  read  that  Stauffacher  is  said  to  have 
cheered  up  William  Tell  with  the  following 
words  :  —  "  SStffatrtbot  toerteen  cmclj  tie  <&cf)macl)tn 
macf;tig  " — which  means,  as  every  one  who  knows 
German  is  well  aware,  that  "  By  union  the  weak 
even  become  strong."  We  would  whisper  these 
sensible  words  of  Stauffacher  into  the  ears 
of  the  Americans,  if  at  the  present  moment  they 
were  not  a  little  deaf  to  reason ;  for  in  America 
is  not  the  reverse  now  prevailing?  There  we 
see  in  process  of  being  proved,  "  By  Union  the 
strong  even  become  weak." 


EFFERVESCENCE  II"  THE  STREETS. 

_  We  don't  know  if  it  be  because  we  've  had  our  holiday,  and  therefore 
view  with  jealousy  all  those  whom  we  see  jolly,  but  to  our  mind  the 
street  boys  appear  unusually  boisterous,  and  more  than  commonly 
exuberant  in  their  overflow  of  spirits.  Perhaps  it  is  they  think  that 
as  there's  "nobody  in  town,"  they  are  entitled  to  use  London  exactly 
as  they  like,  and  to  look  upon  themselves  as  in  fact  its  only  occupants. 
However  this  may  be,  they  turn  the  pavements  into  playgrounds 
without  fear  of  the  police,  and  peg  their  tops  upon  our  corns  and  run 
their  races  round  our  legs,  without  the  least  show  of  timidity  at  the 
sight  of  our  clenched  fist,  or  our  clutched  umbrella.  Then  they  dance 
their  demon  dances  in  the  middle  of  the  street,  for  now  the  hansoms 
are  laid  up  there's  not  much  dread  of  being  driven  over;  and  they 
carry  on  their  converse  in  a  louder  tone  than  ever,  and  keep  bellowing 
to  each  other  alternate  question  and  reply  until  they  get  at  least  the 
length  of  Regent  Street  apart,  Another  'favourite  trick  they  have  of 
stopping  some  old  gentleman,  and  meekly  asking  him  the  time ;  and 
when  after  great  exertion  he  lias  tugged  his  valuable  watcli  out  of  his 
fob  and  pantingly  informed  them  the  exact  hour  of  the  day,  instead  of 
reverently  thanking  him,  they  run  off  to  their  comrade,  crying,  "Look 
'ee  'ere,  Jim,  'ere  s  the  Ossguards  Clock  a-walking  !  " 

But  it  is  at  nightfall  that  the  boys  get  most  rampageous.  Then  they 
hide  behind  street  corners  and  rush  out  on  nervous  people,  shrieking 
"hi !  "  so  shrilly  that  it  makes  one's  blood  run  cold.  Or  they  congre- 
gate in  clusters  on  some  kerbstone  or  clean  doorstep,  and  give  al  fresco 
concerts  of  the  newest  nigger  music,  with  the  loudest  huflaballoo  that 
they  can  howl  by  way  of  chorus.  And  finally  just  when  you  've  tumbled 
into  bed,  and  fancy  that  there  's  nothing  but  the  cats  which  can  disturb 
you,  some  horrible  small  fiend  (who  perhaps  has  supped  off'  greasy 
pudding,  and  is  suffering  therefrom)  stands  under  the  lamp-post  just 
opposite  your  window,  and  takes  out  his  JSleicgate  Warbler  or  his  Old 
Bob  Ridley  Songster,  and  sings  most  melancholy  solos  in  the  most  minor 
ol  keys. 

Whether  any  of  the  street  boys  save  up  any  of  the  coppers  they  get 
flung  them  in  the  season,  and  when  it  ends  invest  them  largely  in 
buying  gmger-beer  of  so  powerful  a  brewing  that  it  gets  into  their 
heads,  is  a  point  for  social  science  to  discover  if  it  Mkes,  but  which  we 
must  own  ourselves  unable  to  clear  up.  But  it  is  certain  that  in 
autumn  there  is  much  more  effervescence  about  them  than  is  usual ; 
and  so  marvellously  active  are  they  in  their  movements  that  it  very 
rarely  happens  that  the  fizz  is  taken  out  of  them  by  the  cuff  of  the 
policeman  or  the  beadle's  dreaded  boot. 


The  Great  Disease  of  the  Church.— Pluracy. 


ABSENCE  OF  BODY  INVOLVES  ABSENCE  OF  FEES. 

Commissioner  Goulburn  alluded,  at_  the  Bankruptcy  Court  last 
Wednesday,  to  the  common  practice  of  solicitors  sending  their  clerks  to 
that  Court,    He  said  : — 

"  The  act  did  not  allow  Mm  to  bear  solicitors'  clerks,  nor  would  he  do  so.  He 
must  put  a  stop  to  the  custom  referred  to.  For  the  future,  the  fee  of  every  solicitor 
attending  only  by  his  clerk  would  be  disallowed  on  taxation. " 

The  Commissioner  is  very  hard  upon  solicitors  who  are  absent,  and 
very  justly  so.  The  punishment  is,  that  no  fee  is  to  be  allowed  on  such 
peccant  occasions.  We  do  not  find  fault  with  the  punishment;  on  the 
contrary,  we  think  it  sins  only  on  the  side  of  mddness.  However,  we 
should  like  to  see  a  similar  punishment  meted  out  to  all  defaulters  of  a 
similar  stamp.  Do  not  barristers  frequently  accept  large  fees,  and  yet 
never  present  themselves  in  Court  ?  Do  they  ever  return  their  fees  ? 
We  never  heard  of  any  such  wonderful  fee-nomenon ;  nor  is  it  very  easy 
to  make  a  barrister  do  so,  inasmuch  as  a  barrister,  like  a  physician, 
never  sends  in  a  bill,  but  is  paid,  as  a  crossing-sweeper  is  for  his  dirty 
work,  then  and  there  upon  the  spot.  Consequently,  there  being  no 
bill,  there  might  be  some  slight  difficulty  in  taxing  it.  However,  we 
would  summon  him  publicly  before  the  Court,  and  apply  some  kind  of 
legal  stomach-pump  untd  such  time  as  he  disgorged  what  he  had  dis- 
honestly swallowed.  We  should  like  to  know,  it  a  process,  something 
like  the  one  we  have  proposed,  is  fee-sible  ?  The  same  sharp  sauce,  we 
think,  should  be  ladled  out  alike  to  the  legal  goose  as  the  Chancery 
gander ;  that  is  to  say,  if  you  can  call  solicitors  and  barristers  "  geese  " 
when  they  studiously  make  it  their  practice  of  preying  upon  them. 
Pretty  goslings  !  We  should  not  like  to  be  the  client  to  fall  in  their 
way  when  any  one  of  them  returns  from  the  Long  Vacation  !  What 
appetites  they  will  have,  to  be  sure,  after  fasting  so  long  ! 


Cruel  Imposition. 

The  Prussians  carry  on  their  government  in  Posen  (so  says  the 
Times  correspondent)  by  means  of  despotism,  corruption,  fraud,  and 
"  obscurantism."  So  bad  is  the  Government,  that  the  country  should  be 
called,  if  merely  to  characterise  the  Prussians'  base  conduct,  not  Posen, 
but  Imposen'. 

A  seasonable  remark. 

His  L-d-sh-p  the  E-rl  of  D— by  meeting  the  Right  Hon 
Benj — in  D-sr-eli,  M.P.  for  Bucks,  remarked,  "Dizzy,  my  boy,  the 
days  are  getting  in."  "So  are  not  we,  my  Lord,"  replied  the  ex- 
Chanc-l-r  of  the  Exch-q-r. 


September  28,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


125 


NOT  THE  DIFFERENCE  OF  A  HAIR  BETWEEN  THEM. 

ome  short  time  ago,  at 
the  BritishAssociation, 
Professor  Owen,  in 
the  course  of  a  lecture 
delivered  on  the  inter- 
esting strangers  intro- 
duced into  this  country 
by  Mons  .  du  Chailltj, 
said  r — 

' '  The  young  have  very 
white  faces,  but  they  ac- 
quire a  leaden  black  hue 
by  age.  Another  effect  of 
age  is  grey  hairs,  and  it 
may  be  common  to  both 
varieties  of  chimpanzee." 

It  must  be  a  comfort 
to  man  to  know,  that, 
if  he  is  subject  to  grey 
hairs,  that  the  chim- 
panzee at  all  events 
shares  the  same  in- 
firmity with  him.  The 
genus  homo  is  not  sin- 
gular on  that  head. 
We  suppose  this  simi- 
larity of  tendency  may 
be  cited  as  only  ano- 
ther proof  how  closely 
the  two  races  are 
allied.  In  fact  we  can 
vouch  for  the  fact  our- 
selves of  having  seen 
young  monkeys  who 
had  grey  hair  at  a  very 
early  age,  and  the  effect 
is  not  agreeable,  when  the  hair  (and  young  monkeys  have  a  trick  that  way)  is  parted 
down  the  middle.  An  old  monkey  with  grey  hair  is,  however,  a  very  unpleasant-looking 
object.  You  will  know  him  also  by  his  empty  chatter,  which  _  is  not  only  very 
unpleasant  to  listen  to,  but  extremely  difficult  to  understand.    It  is  quite  a  language 


^_1. 


of  its  own%  Avoid  him  by  all  means,  unless  you  wish  to 
be  taken  for  one  of  the  same  tribe. 

However,  man  has  one  decided  superiority  over  the 
monkey:  and  that  is  his  white  face  does  not  "acquire  a 
leaden  black  hue  by  age."  It  is  so  far  lucky  that  he  is  free 
from  that  particular  noirceur,  to  which  his  sinuous  brother 
is  unhappily  subject  •  or  else,  supposing  he  were  in  America, 
he  might  be  sold  for  a  nigger.  And  yet  we  know  many 
men  who  share  the  same  weakness,  for  certainly  the  older 
they  grow  the  blacker  they  become.  The  blackness  is  only 
interna],  instead  of  appearing  on  the  surface.  By  the  bye, 
when  one's  face  got  to  the  colour  of  black-lead,  it  would 
be  extremely  handy  to  call  in  the  housemaid,  when  she  was 
cleaning  the  grate,  to  come  in  and  give  your  features  a  rub 
with  the  brush ! 

It  is  fortunate  that  the  chimpanzees  have  no  looking- 
glasses  in  the  woods.  _  We  fancy  the  effect  of  an  old  buck 
of  a  chimpanzee  examining  himself  in  the  glass,  and  disco- 
vering his  first  grey  hah,  would  be  extremely  comical. 
Lucky  beasts,  they  have  a  fading,  and  know  it  not !  This 
constant  ignorance  must  be  almost  equal  to  a  sense  of  per- 
petual beauty ;  and  besides,  only  think  of  the  endless  cos- 
metiques,  hair-washes,  balms,  tinctures,  and  depilatoires  (all 
at_  Zs.  M.  per  bottle),  it  must  save  the  unconscious  and 
blissful  Troglodyte.  Heureuse  bete,  if  we  were  not  a  man 
we  should  like  to  be  a  chimpanzee  ! 


A  Character  Worthy  of  the  City. 

We  see  that  the  motto  of  Mr.  Sheriee  Twentyman 
is  "  Twenty  finished."  But  "twenty"  what?  Can  they 
be  bottles  ?  We  have  heard  of  two  and  three  bottle 
men,  but  a  man  who  ean  finish  twenty  bottles,  certainly 
surpasses  everything  that  our  ancestors  ever  did  hi  the 
bibulous  line.  If  this  be  true,  not  only  is  capacious 
Mr.  Twentyman  properly  qualified  to  be  Sheriff,  but 
we  will  venture  to  predict  that  he  has  got  all  the 
material  in  him  some  day  to  be  Lord  Mayor.  Of  course, 
when  he  wishes  to  be  elected  an  xildermen,  of  all 
Wards  he  will  naturally  give  his  countenance  to  Port- 
soken. 


THE  FLEETING  FASHION. 

"  Mr.  Punch, 

"  A  Critical  notice  of  Mr.  Charles  Mathews's  new  comedy 
in  one  of  your  contemporaries,  contains  what  I  may  call  a  remarkable 
remark,  viz.  : — 

"In  the  appointment  of  this  comedy  there  is,  as  regards  costume,  an  oversight 
which  is  not  wholly  undeserving  of  notice.  Though  six  months  are  supposed  to 
elapse  between  the  first  and  the  second  acts,  most  of  the  characters  come  out  in  the 
latter  wearing  the  same  dresses  as  in  the  former. " 

"  The  office  of  the  Drama  is  '  to  hold  the  mirror  up  to  nature,'  and 
the  author  of  the  above  criticism  takes  it  for  granted  that  the  mirror 
held  up  to  existing  society  would  of  course  not  reflect  people  at  the  end 
of  six  months  in  the  same  dresses  as  those  which  they  had  on  in  the 
beginning. 

"  This  assumption,  the  general  correctness  of  which  is  too  undeniable, 
forms  a  striking  commentary  on  the  extravagance  of  the  period. 

"  To  anybody  who  is  accustomed  to  the  labour  of  endeavouring  to 
make  both  ends  meet,  otherwise  than  in  buttoning  a  waistcoat  over  an 
ever  expanding  circumference,  no  intrinsic  absurdity  would  be  apparent 
'  in  the  representation  of  a  person  in  other  than  opulent  circumstances 
appearing  for  the  second  time  in  the  self-same  costume  as  that  in  which 
he  had  first  appeared  for  six  years  previously.  I  do  not  remember 
when  I  bought  the  coat  in  which  I  am  now  writing ;  but  I  know  it  was 
much  longer  ago  than  that. 

"  Fashion,  however,  requires  articles  of  dress  to  be  discarded  long, 
very  long,  before  they  are  half  worn  out.  Many  men  even  want  a 
change  of  clothing  oftener  than  once  in  six  months,  and  the  flunkeys  in 
some  establishments  expect  their  plush  to  be  replaced  as  frequently  as 
the  trees  require  a  renewal  of  their  inexpensive  liveries.  The  demand 
for  unnecessary  novelty  in  female  attire  is  the  source  of  the  most 
anxious  apprehension  to  every  Paterfamilias  not  in  unlimited  circum- 
stances, who  must  be  continually  considering  what  self-denial  he  can 
anyhow  practise,  what  enjoyments  possibly  forego,  in  order  to  find  the 
money  which  his  wife  and  daughters  oblige  him  to  lay  out  in  innu- 
merable square  yards  of  muslin,  silks,  and  satins. 

"  A  hat  will  last  a  careful  proprietor  a  great  whde  without  looking 
very  shabby,  especially  if  now  and  then  new  lined.  Bonnets,  no  doubt, 
might  be  made  to  wear,  if  not  so  long  as  hats,  at  least  three  or  four 
years ;  but,  as  if  materials  were  not  fugacious  enough,  fashions  change 


before  fabrics  decay.  No  wonder  that  young  men  hesitate  to  marry, 
andthereby  commit  themselves  to  a  life  spent  in  devoting  then  energies, 
abilities,  and  industry  to  providing  the  wherewithal  to  support  the 
consumption  of  drapery.  The  effect  of  female  dress  is  thus  doubtless  in 
a  great  measure  the  opposite  of  that  for  which  it  was  designed.  It 
would  certainly  have  a  repellent  effect  on  one  young  man,  if  youth  were 
a  period  of  life  which  had  yet  to  be  completed  by  your  careful  reader, 
who  will  own  he  is  perhaps  not  without  some  justice,  but  with  a  too 
exclusive  regard  to  his  exterior,  which  is  not  fashionable,  sometimes 
disrespectfully  denominated, 

"  An  Old  Guy." 


A  FINE  FALL  IN  OCTOBER, 


There  's  a  good  time  nearly  come,  boys.  Bead  the  brave  news  which 
appeared  the  other  day  in  the  Times : — 

"  Price  of  Beer. — The  leading  brewers  of  Burton  have  issued  Circulars  to  their 
customers,  informing  them  that  on  and  after  the  1st  of  October  the  price  of  ale  will 
be  reduced  6s.  per  barrel,  '  the  prospects  of  the  harvest  happily  enabling  them  '  to 
make  the  reduction.'  " 

This  time  of  the  year  is  popularly,  but  poetically,  denominated  the 
Fall.  The  leaves  now  begin  to  fall,  heavy  dews  fall  in  the  mornings, 
there  is  more  or  less  rainfall  about  the  time  of  the  equinoctial  gales, 
and,  what  is  rather  unusual  at  this  season,  though  always  seasonable,  a 
fall  has  lately  occurred  in  the  rate  of  discount  at  the  Bank.  _  Partridges 
now  fall  in  considerable  numbers,  and  showers  of  shooting-stars  are 
expected  to  fall  about  November ;  but  the  fall  of  beer  announced  for 
the  1st  of  October,  being  a  fall  of  drink,  will  be  looked  forward  to  with 
more  general  interest  than  the  fall  of  any  meteor. 


HPO  BE  PARTED  WITH,  for  the  veriest  trifle,  a  LONG  ESTA- 
J-  BLISHED  COLD,  of  a  sonorous,  deep-toned  quality.  The  advertiser  can  highly 
recommend  it,  as  it  has  been  in  his  possession  now  for  the  last  three  years,  and 
has  never  left  him,  either  day  or  night,  for  a  single  minute.  The  only  motive  for 
parting  with  it,  is  because  the  owner  has  recently  j  oined  a  Choral  Society,  and  he 
finds  that  his  fellow-students  strongly  object  to  his  practising  with  them.  Six 
dozen  boxes  of  cough  lozenges  will  be  thrown  in,  as  a  douceur,  with  the  above. 
Immediate  possession  can  be  had,  and  a  month's  trial  allowed  for  approval.  Letters 
to  be  addressed  to  "A.  Barker,  Esq.,  care  of  the  Secretary  of  the  Tonic  Sol-Fallal- 
de-Riddle-ol  Association." 


126 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[September  28,  1861. 


A    GROUND    SWELL. 

Party  (who  doesn't  suffer).'^"  Bracing  !  ain't  it,  Jack  ?   I  always  think  that  the  Beaut?  of  Sailing  is,  you  get  Air  and  Motion 
without  Fatigue.     Don't  you  think  so.     EhJ"  [Circumstances  over  ivliicli  he  lias  no  control  prevent  Jack  from  sjieaking  his  mind. 


Yankee  Doodles, 

Oh,  you  noodles  ! 
Why  prolong  this  idle  strife, 

Costing  treasure 

Without  measure, 
Waste  of  money  and  of  life  ? 

You  "will  never 

More  for  ever, 
North  and  South,  together,  pull ; 

Each  from  other 

Rent,  as  Brother 
Jonathan  from  old  John  Bull. 


TO  POT  AND  KETTLE. 

When  war 's  ended, 

For  expended 
Wealth,  you'  11  nothing  have  to  show 

But  Taxation ; 

Sad  temptation 
To  repudiate  what  you  owe. 

All  your  cotton 

Will  get  rotten,  _ 
As  your  brave  who  fall  in  vain  ; 

You  '11  have  wrack'd  your 

Manufacture, 
No  advantage  to  obtain. 


Doubt  there  none  is 

But  mere  money 's 
That  for  which  you've  gone  to  war ; 

And  in  using 

Up,  you're  losing 
Just  what  you  are  fighting  for. 

Never  murder 

Was  absurder 
Than  this  bloodshed,  which  denotes 

Stupid  bad  men, 

Fools  and  madmen, 
Cutting  one  another's  throats. 


The  German  Fleet. 

We  understand  that  the  Germans  are  taking  the  most  active  and 
energetic  measures  to  increase  their  fleet.  It  is  reported  on  the  very 
best  authority  (not  less  than  that  of  Messrs.  Searle,  the  great  boat- 
builders,  of  Lambeth)  that  a  four-oared  cutter  will  be  launched  in  a 
very  few  days.  We  have  not  as  yet  heard  whether  it  is  the  intention 
of  the  Court  of  St.  James  and  the  Tuileries  to  demand  of  the  Prussian 
Government  any  explanation  of  this  extraordinary  measure. 


An  Agricultural  Pursuit.— Racing  after  a  Pig  with  a  greasy  tail. 


Return   to  Town. 

Colleen  Bawn  has  returned  to  Town  for  the  season,  after  having 
visited  various  watering-places,  where  it  has  been  taking  several 
"tremendous  headers."  The  Colleen  may  be  seen  every  night  at  the 
Adelphi  Theatre,  greatly  improved  in  health  and  strength.  The  bathing 
has  evidently  done  it  a  deal  of  good.  All  letters  and  applications  for 
an  interview  to  be  addressed  to  the  Box-Keeper. 


Name    for   a   New    Strong   American    Drink.  —  The    Union- 
Smasher. 


f1 


a 
o 

o 
w 

ffl 

O 
!z| 

a 
o 

o 
M 
f> 

W 

i— i 

<j 

>- 


m 

t3 
» 

GO 


oo 


September  28,  1861.] 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON"    CHARIVARI. 


129 


THE   SPINSTER'S   READY  RECKONER. 

Showing  at  an  Ante-nuptial  Glance  how  to  Live  with  Connubial  Frugality 
on  £1389  for  one  year  only. 


To  start  with— first  a  pair  of  Ponies 
At  eighty  guineas,  cheap  you  '11  own  is  ; 

As  elegant  a  lilac  Phaeton 

As  ever  charming  Countess  sate  on, 

Page,  footmen,  high-bred  horses,  carriage 

(Or  how  ridiculous  is  marriage?) 

Five  hundred  guineas,  in  round  numbers 

Would  surely  break  no  consort's  slumbers  ; 

An  opera-box — first  tier — three  hundred, 
A  perfect  bagatelle  which  none  dread ; 

Dresses  for  balls  and  drawing-rooms, 
Three  hundred — (this  includes  perfumes)  ; 

Bonnets  and  gloves  could  not  reach  fifty, 
Of 'course  assuming  one  is  thrifty ; 

To  spend  a  month  at  Matlock  Bath, 

A  hundred  pounds  need  wake  no  wrath  ; 

A  month  at  Emms  or  Baden-Baden, 
Won't  beud,  as  Cockneys  say,  a  "  fardeii; " 

Another  month  or  so  at  Paris — 
Expenses  left  to  Mrs.  Harms, 
Who  keeps  my  keys— so  stout  and  ruddy — 
Economy  I  'd  make  her  study. 

Pompeian  Villa — country  seat, 
Town  mansion  and  marine  retreat, 
Such  necessaries  need  not  grieve  them ; 
So  to  Mamma  and  Charles  I  leave  them. 

Subscriptions — pew  rents — fancy  fans, 
Pic-nics— buns  to  please  the  Bears, 
Gifts  to  poor  dames  in  rustic  hovels, 
Fees  for  editing  my  novels, 
Patronage  for  dawning  merit, 
Crochet-needles— pins  and  gerret, 
Portrait  by  Carmine,  II.  A., 
Presents  on  Papa's  birthday ; 
All  these  my  private  purse  would  pay. 
For  Charles — his  pleasures  dress  and  snuff, 
"  Twenty  I  guess  would  be  enough, 

Some  knick-knacks  p'rhaps  I  have  omitted, 
If  so,  the  balance — ten — will  hit  it. 


84 

525 

300 

300 

50 

100 


(Expenses 
nominal.) 


(  (Left  to  Mrs. 
r     Harris.) 

J 

1      (Left  to 
{      Charles 
r         and 
Mamma.) 

1 


(Paid  by 
Private 
Purse.) 


I        (For  9fi 

l  Charles) 

I      (Th°  in 

C  Balance)  iu 


Q.  E.  D.  Errors  excepted 


£1389 


THE  STATE  OF  THE  HOLT  SEE. 

The  Holy  See  is  getting  in  a  sadly  troubled  state,  and  the  Holy 
Father  Pius  must  be  getting  Holy  See  sick.  Tossed  about  as  he  has 
been,  and  with  everything  around  him  so  tempestuous  and  threatening, 
one  wonders  the  old  gentleman  does  not  seek  some  quiet  haven,  where 
he  could  pass  his  few  remaining  days  in  comfort  and  in  peace.  It  is 
clear  he  can  have  neither  while  he  keeps  where  he  now  is ;  and,  indeed, 
things  look  so  stormy  that  there  is  a  great  likelihood  of  his  fortunes 
being  wrecked. 

The  only  course  of  safety  would  be  for  him  to  fling  his  old  tiara  over- 
board, and  thus  relieve  and  lighten  his  nearly  sinking  ship.  If  the 
Pope  would  throw  away  his  temporal  possessions,  a  hundred  hands 
would  instantly  be  stretched  forth  to  his  help,  and  he  would  quickly  be 
enabled  to  steer  into  smooth  water,  and  rest  in  safety  from  the  storms 
which  now  disturb  the  Holy  See. 


Heart  and  Head. 


Among  tavern-waiters  a  ready-reckoner  is  termed  a  "good  chalk 
head."  Certain  financiers  assert  that  the  justice  of  an  Income-Tax, 
incident  as  heavily  on  precarious  as  on  perpetual  incomes,  is  demon- 
strable by  simple  arithmetic.  This  demonstration  seems  to  require  a 
good  chalk  head.  _  The  same  ciphering  sages  sneer  at  the  plea  for  con- 
sideration urged  in  behalf  of  the  earners  of  precarious  incomes  as 
"sentimental."  In  these  gentlemen  the  chalk  head  appears  to  be 
associated  with  a  heart  of  stone. 


Advice  to  Match-Making  Mammas.— The  first  and  only  tiling 
requisite  is  simply,  as  Mrs.  Glass  very  wisely  says,  "  First  catch  your 
Hen." 


Amusements  in  Rome. 


AN  IGNORAMUS  ON  THE  INCOME-TAX. 

"  Mr.  Punch, 

"That  shallow  and  inexperienced  financier,  Mr.  Wilson, 
was  one  of  those  impostors  or  idiots  who  advocate  the  imposition  of 
discriminating  rates  upon  different  classes  of  incomes.    The  Economist 
has  lately  republished  a  memorandum  written  by  hhn,  and  containing  a  [ 
series  of  futile  arguments  on  behalf  of  that  injustice.    Your  readers  j 
perhaps  would  like  to  know  how  prodigiously  absurd  and  despicably  j 
weak  those  rotten  arguments  are.    . 

"  Mr.  Wilson  begins  by  observing  that,  '  the  origin  of  the  Income-  \ 
Tax  was  to  provide  a  substitute  for  Customs  and  Excise  duties  repealed  | 
and  reduced.'  Premising  a  quantity  of  argumentative  fudge,  too  long  ! 
to  quote,  he  goes  on  to  say : — 

"  If  all  men  expended  the  whole  of  their  incomes,  then  it  is  true  that  a  uniform  i 
rate  of  Income-Tax  would  be  equivalent  to  customs  duties.  But  the  actual  difference 
of  the  fact  it  is,  probably,  which  has  suggested  that  the  fairer  method  would  be  to 
charge  the  tax  on  expenditure  in  place  of  income,  which  no  doubt  in  its  incidence 
would  be  as  nearly  as  possible  the  same  as  the  tax  collected  from  customs  and 
excise  duties.  But  the  objection  to  taxing  expenditure  in  the  place  of  income  is, 
that  it  would  be  impracticable.  At  present,  out  of  £5,589,000,  there  is  collected  at 
the  sources,  without  any  return  being  required  from  the  taxpayer,  and  without  the 
slightest  inquisition  into  his  affairs,  no  less  than  £4,039,000,  while  only  1,550,000  is 
collected  from  incomes  for  which  returns  are  required.  If  the  same  returns  and 
inquisition  were  required  for  the  whole  that  are  for  the  £1,550,000,  it  could  not  be 
maintained  for  a  day,  or  if  it  were  it  could  only  be  under  such  lax  regulations  that 
half  would  be  evaded." 

"  The  following  hackneyed  truism  is  assigned  by  Mr.  Wilson  as  a  J 
plea  for  the  proposed  iniquity  of  charging  different  incomes  at  different  j 
rates : — 

'•  A  person  with  £1,000  a-year,  in  the  shape  of  a  perpetual  annuity  from  rents  of   j 
land  or  dividends  in  the  funds,  is  in  a  condition  to  spend  the  whole  of  it  without   j 
impairing  his  prospects  for  the  future,  while  a  person  deriving  £1,000  a-year  from  a 
trade  or  x">rofession  has  to  provide  generally  against  one  contingency  in  the  former   | 
case,  and  two  contingencies  in  the  latter  case." 

"  It  has  been  argued,  with  profound  wisdom,  by  the  cleverest  writers 
iu  existence,  that,  even  if  the  Income-Tax  is  unequal  now,  all  incomes 
will  adjust  themselves  to  it  in  time.  Mark  .the  utterly  inconclusive 
reply  of  Mr.  Wilson  : — 

"The  obvious  answer  is,  that  if  they  are  adjusted  now  by  a  discriminating 
charge,  we  do  at  once  that  which  time  would  accomplish  years  hence,  and  that  fees 
and  salaries  would  remain  as  they  are,  in  proportion  to  other  incomes." 

"This  is  simply  an  inapposite  quotation  of  the  vulgar  proverbial 
saying,  '  No  time  like  the  present.' 

"  Subsequently,  Mr.  Wilson  ridiculously  attempts  to  demonstrate 
that  the  self-adjustment  of  the  Income-Tax,  on  physicians^  fees,_  for 
example,  could  never  take  place.  To  make  out  this  denial  of  an 
acknowledged  certainty,  he  enters  into  irrelevant  arithmetical  calcu- 
lations.   Mr.  Wilson  knew  nothing  of  figures. 

"  I  do  not  attempt,  Mr.  Punch,  to  refute  any  of  the  fallacies  above 
quoted.  They  have,  I  think,  most  of  them  appeared  hi  your  columns 
before,  published  by  you  of  course  as  jokes,  laughable  by  reason  of  their 
self-evident  absurdity.  But  they  will  be  received  by  your  readers,  if 
not  as  new  jokes,  yet  as  much  higher  jokes  than  they  previously  seemed 
to  be,  now  that  they  appear  as  the  serious  propositions  of  Mr.  Wilson, 
whose  reputation  as  a  financier  is  as  great  as  it  is  unmerited. 

"Let  me,  however,  direct  your  attention,  and  that  of  your  readers, 
to  one  perilous  indiscretion  which  occurs  among  Mr.  Wilson's  imbe- 
cilities. Your  circulation  lies  altogether  among  the  higher  classes,  to 
which  we  both  belong,  therefore  I  do  not  hesitate  to  notice  that  mis- 
take in  this  place,  whence,  of  course,  it  will  go  no  farther — will  not,  for 
example,  get  into  the  penny  papers.  I  allude  to  the  most  injudicious 
exposition  of  the  fact  that  the  hiquisition  of  the  Income-Tax  is  an 
annoyance  which  affects  a  portion  only  of  those  who  pay  it— the  con- 
temptible wretches  whose  incomes  are  derived  from  trades  and  pro- 
fessions. This  information  must  necessarily  aggravate  their  hatred  of 
Schedule  D.  Mr.  Wilson  has  the  imprudence  to  add  the  declaration 
of  his  belief,  that  if  the  same  inquisition  were  extended  to  the  higher 
classes  of  Income-Tax  payers,  such  as  our  noble  selves  and  our  readers, 
who  are  all  independent  gentlemen  and  ladies,  it  could  not  be  main- 
tained for  a  day.  Of  course  it  could  not;  but  to  tell  the  people  so, 
how  sure  a  way  to  excite  then  brutal  indignation  against  an  impost  at 
whose  partial  operation  they  are  already  howling  quite  loudly  enough 
to  disturb  the  serenity  of  the  better  orders  represented  by 

"  Your  humble  Servant,  Crassus." 


The  Romans  have  started  a  new  game,  called  Aunty  Nelly.  It  con- 
sists of  a  figure,  considerably  blackened,  of  a  well-known  Cardinal, 
whose  name  somewhat  corresponds  hi  sound  to  the  above.  The  fun 
turns  upon  the  players  pitching  into  the  figure  as  hard  as  they  can. 
The  Cardinal  comes  in  for  several  hard  blows,  but  no  one  has  succeeded, 
as  yet,  in  putting  his  pipe  out.  However,  it  affords  infinite  sport  to 
the  Romans,  and  is,  altogether,  a  very  fair  substitute  for  the  English 
game  of  Aunt  Sally. 


130 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[September  28,  1861. 


Old  Girl.  "  /  should  like  Thick  Braids  in  front,  and  Curls  and  a  Loop  at  the  back/  ' 


NEWDEGATE  IN  A  NEW  CHARACTER. 

A  Thousand  thanks  will  be  given  to  anybody  who 
shall  succeed  in  explaining  the  annexed  passage  from 
a  discourse  at  the  late  meeting  of  the  Sparkenhoe 
Farmers'  Club,  reported  as  having  been  delivered  by 
Mr.  Newdegate  :— 

"  When  so  many  complaints  were  made  of  long  speeches  in. 
the  House  of  Commons,  had  it  never  occurred  to  those  who  heard 
or  read  them  that  these  complaints  might  he  attributable  to  the 
fact  that  during  these  discussions  new  ideas  were  developed, 
and  that  this  was  thought  by  some  a  waste  of  capital  which 
might  be  turned  to  more  profitable  account  ?    (Hear,  /tear.)  " 

In  what  sense  the  development  of  ideas  during  dis- 
cussions in  the  House  of  Commons  can  be  regarded  as 
a  waste  of  capital,  Mb.  Newdegate  can  perhaps  explain, 
but,  it  may  be  feared,  is  much  more  likely  not  to  have 
the  least  idea  of  the  meaning  of  his  own  statement  to 
that  effect.  Breath  is  wasted  in  the  long  speeches 
to  which  the  Hon.  gentleman  alluded ;  so  is  the  patience 
of  the  House  and  the  public,  and  so  is  valuable  time. 
If  new  ideas  were  developed,  they  might  be  capital,  or 
might  be  worthless ;  but,  instead  of  new  ideas,  those 
long-winded  orations  for  which  Mb.  Newdegate 
apologises  contain,  for  the  most  part,  nothing  but  old 
truisms,  and,  in  greater  proportion,  old  fallacies,  old 
platitudes,  and  venerable  jokes.  The  above  quotation 
from  Mb.  Newdegate's  speech  suggests  a  resemblance 
between  him  and  Juliet,  which  we  never  expected  to 
discover.  Respecting  that  heroine,  Romeo  remarks  : — 

"  She  speaks,  yet  she  says  nothing," 

which  is  precisely  what  the  above-quoted  remarks  of 
the  Hon.  Member  for  North  Warwickshire  appear  to 
amount  to. 


The  American  Editor's  Lament. 

A  Conscientious  American  Editor  (there  is  about 
one  left)  thus  pathetically  says  : — "  The  symbol  of  the 
Union,  I  have  always  been  told,  was  Stars  and  Stripes  ; 
but  as  far  as  my  painful  experience  goes,  it 's  Tar  and 
Eeathers." 

One  who  Reads  the  "Times  "  carefully  as  they 
Go. — Would  you  call  a  Steward  who  passes  his  time 
perpetually  on  board  a  steampacket  the  inhabitant  of 
any  place?  Why,  yes,  I  should  call  him  a  "  Habitans 
in  Sicco!" 


THAT'S   THE  WAY  THE   MONEY   GOES. 

Who  is  it  that  pouches  the  fees  of  the  House  of  Commons  ?  He 
must  have  vastly  pretty  pickings,  judging  by  this  statement,  which  we 
copy  from  the  Times .- — 

"  High  Fees  in  High  Places.— The  House  of  Commons  has  published  its 
'  Standing  Orders,'  corrected  to  the  close  of  the  Session.  The  table  of  fees  would 
surprise  persons  unacquainted  with  Parliamentary  business.  The  rate  varies  ac- 
cording to  the  sum  intended  to  be  laid  out  upon  the  undertaking  to  be  sanctioned. 
If  a  town  determine  on  a  great  public  improvement,  on  which  a  million  and  a  half 
of  money  is  to  be  laid  out,  the  first  step  is  to  deposit  a  petition  for  leave  to  bring  in 
a  BiU  before  the  House ;  but  the  House  cannot  see  the  petition  unless  there  is  a 
£50  note  in  it.  On  the  first  reading  of  the  Bill,  on  the  second  reading,  on  the  report 
from  the  select  committee  on  the  Bill,  and,  even  after  approval  by  the  select  com- 
mittee, on  the  third  reading,  too,  down  to  the  time  when  the  House  has  to  part 
with  the  Bill,  it  can  see  no  merit  in  it  unless  on  each  of  these  steps  £150  he  paid 
before  the  Bill  is  put  to  the  vote.  These  are  parts  of  the  price  which  '  the  powers 
that  be  '  charge  for  an  Act  of  Parliament." 

Everybody  now,  we  are  told,  is  out  of  town,  or  we  should  certainly 
ask  somebody  where  all  this  money  goes.  Is  there  some  official  whose 
office  is  a  sinecure,  except  the  pleasant  labour  of  pocketing  these  fees  ? 
or  do  they  constitute  a  fund  to  pay  the  gas  and  water  rates,  and  other 
incidental  expenses  of  the  House  ?  If  the  latter  be  the  case,  which  we 
would  fain  believe  it  is,  we  should  think  the  House  must  have  a  tidy 
sum  hi  hand,  and  might  devote  the  yearly  surplus,  after  clearing  all 
expenses,  to  paying  off  a  large  proportion  of  the  National  Debt.  Or 
the  House  might  vote  supplies  out  of  its  fee-fund  to  pay  the  nation's 
Income-Tax,  or  to  pension  Mr.  Punch.  Either  of  these  steps,  and 
especially  the  latter,  would  certainly  be  received  with  approbation  by 
the  public ;  for,  besides  the  gratification  of  seeing  Virtue  so  rewarded, 
the  public  would  be  greatly  the  gainers  by  a  grant,  conferring  annually 
the  surplus  fees  on  Mr.  Punch.  If  that  gentleman  were  thus  pecu- 
niarily interested  m  the  number  of  "  great  public  improvements  "  to  be 
made,  human  nature  would,  of  course,  impel  him  to  do  all  within  his 
power  to  assist  them,  and  to  offer  his  suggestion  where  best  they  might 


take  place.  The  consequence  would  be,  that  petitions  would  pour  in 
for  all  such  necessary  works  as  clearing  away  Holywell  Street,  throwing 
open  all  the  bridges,  widening  Cheapside,  and  de-sewerising  the  Thames ; 
and,  as  Mr.  Punch  would  have  a  pecuniary  interest  in  each  stage  of  the 
Acts,  of  course  he  would  not  rest  till  he  had  seen  them  safely  passed. 


Something  More  than  a  Mere  Flea-Bite. 

We  read  that  the  Leech  monopoly  at  Tangiers  was  sold  four  years 
ago  for  not  less  than  £14,000.  We  should  say  that  the  above  was  the 
largest  amount  ever  received  by  a  nation  under  the  head  of  "  Blood- 
mouey."  The  profits,  too,  most  probably  will  be  Cent,  per  Cent.,  oi-j 
as  a  Frenchman  would  say,  Sang  pour  Sang  ! 


SPOBTS   AND   PASTIMES   OF   THE   AMEBICANS. 

It  seems  to  be  a  favourite  pursuit  of  the  Americans  to  get  hold  of  a 
poor  Editor,  who  has  the  courage  to  differ  with  them,  and  to  tar  and 
feather  him.  If  asked  what  kind  of  a  nation  America  was,  we  should 
feel  inclined,  after  hearing  of  the  above  blackguard  propensity,  to 
exclaim  "Tar-nation!"  

Golden  Sands  in  Time's  Hour  Glass. 

A  Stbong-minded  Lady  (a  very  light  "  blue  ")  was  asked  what  an 
"  Educational  Minute  "  was  like?  when  she  replied,  "I  have  not  the 
smallest  notion,  my  dear,  but  I  conjecture  that  every _  '  Hour  of 
Progress '  must  be  composed  of  nothing  but  Educational  Minutes." 


a  poem  on  pobtland. 

"  I  say,  Bill,  for  a  Breakwater  wot's  the  occasion? " 
"  Why,  you  stoopid,  to  roll  back  the  tide  of  inwaeion  ?  " 


September  28,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


131 


OUR    DRAMATIC    CORRESPONDENT. 

Y  dear  Punch,— As  an 
Englishman,  I  nurture 
the  profoundest  love  for 
pluck,  and  I  must  say 
Mb.  Falconer,  deserves 
credit  for  his  courage. 
To  write  a  four-act 
comedy  in  this  farce- 
admiring  age  is  a  proof 
of  the  possession  of  no 
ordinary  daring ;  and  to 
play  the  piece  with  all 
its  large  amount  of 
small  talk,  without  fear 
of  the  audience  finding 
then  ears  tired  by  it, 
shows  considerable  con- 
fidence in  the  merits  of 
the  plot. 

"There  is  clearly  an 
excess  of  'talkee  talkee' 
in  the  play ;  and  though 
the  language  is  well 
chosen,  and  occasionally 
witty,  its  profusion  sadly 
mars  one's  interest  in 
the  story,  which  is 
happily  conceived  and 
carefully  worked  out. 
Perhaps  the  author 
thought,  as  women  are 
gifted  with  long  tongues, 
his  Woman  ought  to  form  no  exception  to  the  rule ;  and  he  therefore  made  his 
characters  so  copiously  loquacious  that  they  might  represent  the  failing  of  the  sex. 
Indeed,  at  the  finale  every  one  appeared  so  loth  to  leave  off  talking,  and  so  many 
pretty  final  speeches  were  delivered,  that  it  seemed  as  though  there  was  a  woman's 
struggle  on  the  stage  as  to  who  should  have  the  victory  of  saying  the  last  word. 

"  But,  notwithstanding  its  verbosity,  Woman  is  decidedly  a  comedy  worth  seeing, 
if  only  for  the  reason  that  it  really  is  a  comedy,  and  not,  as  most  are  nowadays, 
merely  a  long  farce.  Except  that  its  main  hinge  is  taken  from  a  law  court,  the 
story  is  original  and  the  interest  well  kept  up  :  indeed,  I  am  bound  to  say  that, 
despite  the  lengthy  dialogue,  the  audience  I  sat  among  were  ready  all  throughout 
with  then  laughter  or  their  tears,  and  scarce  any  left  their  seats  until  the  curtain 
had  been  dropped.  A  good  proof  this,  I  think,  that  there  is  good  stuff  in  the  piece, 
and  that- we  may  look  for  better  work  from  Mb.  Falconer  than  he  yet  has  done. 


Our  crop  of  dramatists  is  not  so  abundantly  prolific  that 
we  can  well  afford  to  lose  a  plant  that  seems_  of  promise ; 
and  instead  of  blighting  it  with  cold  and  cutting  criticism, 
Ave  rather  should  eudeavour,  by  judicious  treatment,  to 
ensure  its  healthy  growth. 

"  With  regard  to  cast  and  acting,  scratch  companies  of 
course  must  not  be  judged  too  strictly-,  still  the  parts  are, 
on  the  whole,  very  fairly  represented,  and  there  are  no 
mistakes  to  mar  the  smoothness  of  the  text.  Mrs.  Young 
is  always  graceful,  pleasant,  and  piquant,  and  possesses 
more  than  most  that  ladylike  demeanour  which,  greatly  to 
my  grief  and  that  of  all  friends  to  the  Drama,  seems  be- 
coming every  season  more  rare  upon  our  stage.  She  plays 
her  part  and  talks  her  talk  with  unpretending  ease ;  and 
as  she  has  a  pleasant  voice  ('an  excellent  thing  in  woman'), 
one  excuses  the  long  speeches  that  she  has  to  make.  Mb. 
Walter  Lacy,  as  a  cool  man  of  the  world,  is  fitly  calm 
and  self-possessed.  Few  actors  are  more  gentlemanly  in 
their  speech  and  bearing ;  and  his  part,  if  rightly  read, 
requires  him  to  be  both.  The  evening  I  attended  Mb. 
Addison  was  absent,  and  Mb.  Falconeb  played,  and  fairly 
played,  his  part  of  an  old  bookworm,  who  is  always  throw- 
ing Latin  at  you,  and  in  his  fits  of  absent-mindedness  is 
apt  to  think  his  thoughts  unpleasantly  aloud._  (But  allow 
me,  Mb.  Falconeb,  just  to  intimate  a  doubt  if,  even  in  his 
greatest  gulfs  of  mental  absence,_so  deeply-read  a  scholiast 
would  ever  so  far  have  forgotten  himself  as  to  say  'demque.') 
I  must  also  give  a  word  of  praise  to  Mb.  PiOBiNS,  who  plays 
an  unctuous  footman  with  much  pleasant  quiet  humour,  and 
haspirates  Ms  words  with  most  hextraordmary  hease.  Mb. 
Robins  has  an  eye  which  is  capable  of  winking,  and  of 
which  he  makes  good  use ;  and  with  such  optical  capacity, 
it  can  hardly  be  amazing  that  he  sees  the  charms  of  Norah, 
whom  Miss  Lydia  Thompson  invests  with  much  pretti- 
ness  and  pertness,  though  her  Irish  brogue  is  somewhat 
dubious  in  birth. 

"  While  I  write,  the  Adelphi  actors  are  assembling,  and 
before  my  words  are  public  the  dauntless  Miles-na-Coppaleen 
will  have  had  two  more  of  his  'tremendous  headers,'  which, 
of  all  the  plunges  in  this  year's  bathing  season,  must  cer- 
tainly have  proved  the  most  profitable  dips.  How  long 
longer  the  Colleen  will  be  allowed  to  run,  it  is  not  for  me 
to  prophesy,  but  for  playgoers  to  decide.  It  was  about 
this  time  last  year  that  it  was  first  produced ;  and  cau  you 
name  the  critic  who  was  sage  enough  to  prophesy  how 
great  would  be  the  triumph  of  this  successful  piece  ? 

"One  who  Pays." 


ANECDOTES  FROM  PARIS. 

By  our  Travelling  Collector. 


The  fascinating  Miss  *  *  *  *,  being  taken  to  the  Hippodrome, 
inquired  the  meaning  of  the  incessant  cry,  by  the  riders,  "  Houp  la  !  " 
She  was  informed  that  it  merely  meant  "  Come  up."  This  young  lady 
is  one  of  the  few  who  never  forget  anything,  not  even  themselves. 
Nextday,  the  fille  de  chambre  at  the  hotel  *  i:  *  was  at  least  as  much 
surprised  as  delighted  at  hearing  a  sweet  voice,  from  an  upper  landing, 
cry,  "Julie,  Julie,  s'il  vows  plait,  houp  la  /" 


A  London  artist  passing  the  shop  of  M.  Hautcceub,  Rue  de  Bivoli, 
Publisher  of  Engravings,  remarked  that  you  would  naturally  go  there 
for  High  'Art. 

in. 

The  same  unfortunate  Cockney,  having  heard  that  horse-fiesh  is  eaten 
at  certain  Parisian  hotels,  evinced  the  utmost  horror  when,  looking  over 
a  carte  at  Vefour's,  he  came  to  the  /tors  d'eeuvres.  He  says  that  a 
saddle  of  mutton  is  the  nearest  approach  he  can  bear  to  equestrian 
viands. 

IV. 

In  all  the  Roman  Catholic  churches  are  now  put  up  trunks  inscribed 
" Le  Denier  de  S.Pierre."  Rut,  as  everybody  passes  them,  Bbown 
says  that  we  are  all  deniers  of  St.  Peter.  Observe  the  joke—"  denier," 
one  who  denies. 

v. 

"  I  see  a  paragraph,  mon  ami,"  said  the  spirituel  Vicomte  de  *  *  *  *  * 
to  an  EngUsh  friend,  "I  see  a  paragraph  in  one  of  your  papers  about 
worms  in  the  eyes  of  geese."  "  Yes,"  said  his  EngHs'h  friend.  "  Well, 
mon  ami,  I  do  not  know  about  that ;  but  I  think  men  who  sit  dangling 
a  line  in  a  mu^dy  river  all  day,  are  geese  in  the  eyes  of  worms."  "  Ha, 
ha,  not  bad5*y^  his  English  friend. 

^hf " — — ■ 


VI. 


L 'Argent  fait  Peur  is  the  title  of  a  new  Parisian  piece.  Seeing  the 
name  on  a  bill,  Jones  remarked,  "  Ah !  don't  it  ?  When  I  saw  my  first 
white  hair  I  thought  I  should  a-dropped."  "  Who  cares  ?  "  said  his 
friend  Robinson. 


LE  TAMBOUR  MAJEUR  OF  EUROPE. 

The  firemen  of  Bordeaux  have  a  brass  band  which  having  lately  won 
the  prize  in  a  brass  band  competition  at  Dax,  marched  to  Biarritz  to 
solace  the  Empebob  with  a  serenade.  Louis  Napoleon,  with  a  natural 
sympathy  for  brass,  and  men  so  skilful  in  blowing  then  own  trumpets, 
graciously  rewarded  the  performers  with  300  francs.  The  money,  we 
are  told,  has  been  devoted  to  the  purchase  of  a  big  drain,  bearing  the 
Imperial  cipher.  Nothing  could  have  been  more  happily  imagined.  In 
the  first  place  the  Emperor  has  the  best  right  to  be  represented  among 
the  sapewrs  pompiers,  as  the  model  fireman  of  the  world,  in  every  sense 
of  the  word.  His  admirers  say  he  extinguishes  or  prevents  European 
fires.  His  assailants  declare  he  raises  them.  Besides,_a  " grosse  caisse  " 
is  the  very  place  for  the  display  of  the  Imperial  cipher;  for  if  the 
occupation  of  Rome  and  the  annexation  of  Savoy  be  not  gross  cases 
with  a  vengeance,  there  is  no  meaning  in  language. 


Secession. 


BY  CESAR. 


What  fun  dis  here  Sumcession  am, 
For  ebbery  nigger,  Pompey  ! — Yas,  Sar  ! 

Massar  sumcede  from  Uncle  Sam  : 
'Pose  vou  and  me  sumcede  from  Massar. 


Very  Like  a  Whale. — They 
of  Leviathan  for  the  Great  Eastern 
are  doomed  to  blubber. 


had  better  have  stuck  to  the  name 
for  it  seems  that  the  Shareholders 


132 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[September  28,  1861. 


Cad.  "No,  Mum,  toe  don't  go  so  fur  as  the  Cemetery  ;  hut  I  '11  'all  the  fust  'Earsefor  you,  Mum,  that  ice  meets  clown  the  Road." 


MR.    SPURGEON    AND    THE    POPE. 

If  greatness  lias  its  privileges,  it  also  has  its  penalties.  When  _  a 
man  lias  by  his  talents  made  a  name  in  the  world,  be  sure  Iris  name  will 
soon  be  mentioned  iu  all  manner  of  advertisements,  and  applied  to  all 
conceivable  articles  of  trade.  Thus  both  Wellington  and  Blucher 
gave  a  title  to  a  boot,  and  we  have  seen  the  Joinville  tie,  and  the  Ches- 
terfield top- coat.  A  million  things  at  least  have  been  christened  after 
Punch,  from  penny  boxes  of  cigar -lights  to  the  elegant  Poncho  wrapper 
now  fallen  in  disuse.  So  if  the  Rev.  Mr.  Spurgeon  feel  aggrieved 
that  men  of  trade  for  purposes  of  lucre  have  made  free  with  his  name, 
he  at  least  may  feel  consoled  that  he  is  suffering  in  good  company,  such 
as  he  need  not  feel  ashamed  to  find  himself  amongst.  How  his  name 
has  been  made  use  of,  the  following  will  show : — 

THE  MAGIC  SPURGEON.  (Copyright).  A  Magical  life-like  Por- 
-»-  trait  of  the  most  popular  orator  of  the  day.  When  placed  on  the  floor  dances 
gracefully,  defying  detection.     Sent  free  by  return  for  IS  stamps. 

The  perfect  likeness  of  this  portrait  to  the  popular  original  must 
convincingly  be  shown,  we  fancy,  in  its  graceful  dancing.  We  have 
heard  of  winking  pictures,  but  never  before  this  of  a  dancing  portrait ; 
and  how  befitting  is  the  attribute  in  the  case  of  Mr.  Spurgeon  will  be 
readily  perceived.  Our  readers  doubtless  well  remember  how  severe 
was  Mr.  Spurgeon  iu  his  strictures  upon  dancing,  when  he  took  it  as 
his  text  a  season  or  two  since  :  and  how  he  said  that  the  sole  way  in 
which  it  should  be  tolerated  was  for  the  girls  to  dance  in  one  room  and 
the  gentlemen  in  another. 

It  must  then  make  this  portrait  extremely  like  to  life  to  make  it  capable 
of  dancing  hi  a  graceful  manner,  as  the  talented  original,  no  doubt, 
himself  can  do.  A  performer  who  is  skilful  in  Terpsichorean  feats 
appears  to  best  advantage  when  seen  in  a  pas  seul ;  and  this  no  doubt 
was  the  true  reason  why  Mr.  Spurgeon  owned  his  preference  for 
dancing  independently  of  any  female  aid. 

This  solved,  there  is,  however  another  point  that  puzzles  us.  Why 
the  epithet  of  "  magic  "  be  applied  to  Mr.  Spurgeon,  we  should  be 
perplexed  to  say.  We  have  never  heard  it  hinted  that  he  practises  the 
black  art— indeed  the  only  way  in  which  we  can  connect  it  with  his 


name  is  by  coupling  the  fact  of  his  having  the  art  of  preaching,  with 
the  fact  that  when  he  preaches  he  puts  on  a  black  coat. 

Considering  the  success  of  the  Papal  winking  pictures,  we  may  well 
conceive  the  likelihood  of  Mr.  Spurgeon's  making  use  of  his  gracefully 
dancing  portrait,  as  an  attraction  to  his  tabernacle  when  his  audience 
falls  off.  A  great  success  for  instance  might  on  week-days  be  obtained 
by  his  performing  a pas  seul  after  his  portrait  had  done  dancing,  and, 
when  they  both  had  taken  breath,  winding  up  by  way  of  finish  with  a 
double  Spurgeon  hornpipe  or  some  other  pas  de  deux.  Or  why  should 
not  Mr.  Spurgeon  send  his  compliments  to  the  Pope,  and  challenge 
his  old  Holiness  to  a  trial  of  the  merits  of  their  respective  magic 
works,  the  one  his  winking-picture  and  the  other  his  dancing;  portrait. 
Not  having  ourselves  seen  either  of  these  marvels,  we  may  refrain  from 
stating  which  we  think  best  does  its  work.  But  in  one  respect  we 
certainly  must  give  the  palm  to  Mr.  Spurgeon's,  at  least  if  the 
advertisement  we  quoted  be  believed;  for  hi  that  statement  it  is  said 
that  the  trick  "defies  detection,"  and  that  is  more  than  can _ be  urged 
about  the  winking  of  the  picture,  which  any  one  can  see  with  half  a 
glance  is  all  my  eye.  __ 

A  Jfewel  of  a  Minister. 

The  Pope  was  bragging  about  Charity  being  the  brightest  jewel  of 
the  Papal  Crown,  when  General  Goyon  said  he  could  inform  His 
Immaculate  Highness  which  was  the  worst  jewel  in  his  crown.  Being 
challenged  for  a  reply,  the  moral-slapper  of  faces  coughed  out  most 
derisively.  "'Em,  Merode"  (Emeraztde). 

Peace  and  War. 

We  are  at  war,  if  our  forces  are  not, 
Though  they  shoot  nobody,  we  pay  the  shot ; 
When  shall  the  battle  of  armaments  cease, 
Taxes  be  lightened,  and  England  at  peace  ? 

SroRTiNG  Intelligence. — The  only  consolation  the  victims  of  the 
St.  Leger  can  find  for  the  success  of  Caller  Ou,  is  that  betting  men, 
like  their  betters,  are  all  herring  mortals. 


Printed  by  William  Bradbury,  of  No.  13,  Upper  Woburn  Place,  and  Frederick  Mullett  Evans,  of  No.  19,  Queen's  Road  West,  Regent's  Park,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Pancras,  in  the  County  of  Middlesex. 
Printers,  at  their  Office  in  Lombard  Street,  in  the  Precinct  of  Whitefriars,  in  the  City  of  London,  and  Published  by  them  at  No.  85,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  in  tne  Utyot  L,onaon,- 
Satubdat,  September  28,  1801. 


This  day  is  Published  in  Three  Vols.  Post  Svo,  Price  31s.  6d. 


BY  SHIRLEY  BROOKS,  AUTHOR  OF  "THE  GORDIAN  KNOT,"  "ASPEN  COURT"  &c. 


"  A  very  curious  and  powerful  story." — Athcnaum. 

"  There  is  a  wealth  of  materials  in  it  that  is  quite  surprising     Almost  every  chapter 
has  its  own  striking  situation  allotted  to  it,   and  we  are  constantly  kept  on  the  alert. 


watching  for  something  even  more  startling  than  all  that  has  gone  before."— Saturday 
Review.  '  J 

[London  :  Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C.  / 


This  Day  is  Published,  Price  1*.,  Part  XXVII.  of 

ONCE       A       WEEI 

WITH  NUMEROUS  ILLUSTRATIONS. 
Beadbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


This  day  is  Published,  Price  5s.  in  boards,  THE  EIGHTH  VOLUME  OF 

THE     RE -ISSUE    OF     PUNCH: 

Also,  Now  Ready,  handsomely  bound  in  cloth,  gilt  edges, 

Vol.       1      (For  1S41) 6s.  I        Vols.  4  and  5  (1S13)  10s.  Gd. 

Vols.     2and3(lS42) 10s.  6d.       |        Vols.  6  and  7  (1S44)    10s.  U. 

Vols.  S  and  9  (1845)  will  be  Published  at  the  end  of  October,  Price  10s.  6d. 
Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI— October  5,  1861. 


Now  Ready  at  all  the  Libraries, 

THE    OKAVANGO    HIVEE: 

■8-  A  Narrative  of  Travel,  Exploration, 
and  Adventure.  Bv  C.  J.  Andersson,  Author  of 
"Lake  Ngami."  8vo.  With  Portrait  and  nu- 
merous illustrations.    21s. 

THE   SECEET  HISTORY  OF 

THE  COURT  of  FRANCE  under  LOUIS  XV. 
Edited  by  Da.  Cuallice.    1  v.    With  Portraits. 

THE    LIEE  OF    JEANNE 

D'Albret,  Queen  of  Navarre.  By  Miss  Freer. 
55.  bound  and  illustrated. 

LADY  C.  PEPYS'  DOMESTIC 

SKETCHES  IN  RUSSIA.    2  vols.    2l».     (Just 
ready.) 

THE  NEW  NOVELS. 

NOTICE  TO   QUIT.     BY  W. 

G.  Wills,  Author  of  "  Life's  Foreshadowing." 

EAST    AND   WEST.     BY    J. 

Fbazer  Cobkran. 

ALONE    IN    THE    WORLD. 

By  the  Author  of  "  Cousin  Geoffrey." 

COUNTY  SOCIETY. 

Hurst  &  Bi,ackett,  Publishers. 


On  the  1st  of  October,  richly  printed  in  gold  and 
Colours,  No.  I.  of 

THE    AMATEUR    ILLUMI- 

A    NATOB'S  MAGAZINE  &  JOUBNAL 

OF  MINIATURE  PAINTING.    To  be  Continued 
Monthly.    Price  2s.  Gd. 

Published  by  Messrs.  Da?  *  Son,  Gate  Street, 
Lincoln's  Inn  Fields. 


{    FITTED 
♦  COMPLETE. 

./I 

ET. 


PRIZE  MEDAL,  PARIS  EXHIBITION,  1855. 

METCALEE,  BINGLEY, 
&  Go.'s  New  Pattern  Tooth  Brushes, 
penetrating  unbleached  Hair  Brushes,  improved 
Flesh  Brushes,  and  genuine  Smyrna  Sponges,  with 
every  description  of  Brush,  Comb,  and  Perfumery, 
130b,  and  131,  Oxford  Street.  Metcalfe's  cele- 
brated Alkaline  Tooth  Powder,  2s.  per  box. 


HO  P  L  E  M  U  R  0  M  A.-W. 
Clark  beg.s  to  call  the, attention  of 
all  who  have  the  care  of  Horses  to  bis  HOPLEMU- 
ROMA,  for  the  improvement  and  growth  0j  horses' 
feet,  to  cure  and  prevent  brittle  and  shelly  feet,  sand 
cracks,  seedy  toes,  diseased  frogs,  &c. 
7...  Baker  Street,  W. 

&  SOUND  TEETH. 

Jewsburyand  Brown  s  ORIENTAL 
TOOTH  PASTE,  The  Original  and  only  Genuine, 
Is.  6d.  and  2*.  fid.  per  pot. 

113,  Market  Street,  Manchester;  and  hy  Perfumers 
and  Chemists  throughout  the  Kingdom  and  Colonics. 


gANGSTERS' 

Silk,  and  Alpaca 
Umbrellas,    and   Sdn 
Shades,   on  Fox's  Pa- 
ragon Frames. 
140,  Regent  Street,  W. ; 
94,  Fleet  Street,  B.C.  ; 
10,  Roy  alEsehange,  E.  C. 
75,  Cheapside,  E.C. 
SHIPPERS  SUPPLIED. 


"RAD    BREATH,     INDIGES- 

**  TION,  AND  COSTIVENESS,   are  im- 
mediately cured  by 

DR.  HUGO'S  MEDICAL  ATOMS, 

Which  have  a  delightful  taste.    Price  Is.  ljrf.,  2s.  9rf., 

and  4s.  6d.  per  packet.  Sold  by  all  Druggists. 


THE  PATENT  IMPROVED 
EUREKA  SCARP,  cut  on  a  new  prin- 
ciple ensuring  a  perfect  fit,  and  adjusting  itself  to 
the  neck  more  easily  than  the  original  Eureka,  can 
now  be  had  of  all  respectable  hosiers.  Manufac- 
tured hy  Welch,  Margetson,  &  Co.,  Patentees. 


SALT  and  Co.'s  EAST  INDIA 
PALE  ALE  (imperial  pints  4s.  9d.  the 
dozpn),  Burton  Ales,  and  Guinness's  extra  Stout,  in 
bottles  of  reputed  aud  imperial  measures,  and  casks 
of  18  gallons  and  upwards.  Ale  for  exportation.— 
Moody  &  Co.,  Agents,  Lime  Street,  E.C. 


COMPLETION 


OP 


Conducted  by  CHARLES    KNIGHT. 


The  English  Cyclopaedia  is  published  in  Four  Divisions,  each  Division  being 
complete  in  itself,  and  sold  as  a  separate  work. 

THE  CYCLOP JEDIA  OE  GEOGRAPHY. 


THE  CYCLOPJEDIA  OE  BIOGRAPHY. 


THE  CYCLOPAEDIA  OE  NATURAL  HISTORY. 


THE  CYCLOPJEDIA  OE  ARTS  AUD  SCIENCES. 


Each  Division  of  the  English  Cyclopaedia  is  sold  as  a  separate  Work. 


ARTS   AND    SCIENCES, 
NATURAL  HISTORY, 
BIOGRAPHY, 
GEOGRAPHY, 


8  Vols.,  £4  16  0  or  4  Vols.,  half  morocco,  £5  12  0 

4  Vols.,     2  2  0       2  Vols.,             „               2  10  0 

6  Vols.,     3  0  0       3  Vols.,             „               3  12  0 

4  Vols.,     2  2  0       2  Vols.,             ,,                2  10  0 


fPHE     NEW     LUXURY- 

*         THE  NEAPOLITAN  ICE. 

At  ST.  JAMES'S  HALL. 
Wedding  Breakfasts,  Ball  Suppers,  &c,  supplied. 

fiOCKS'S     CELEBRATED 

V  ^READING  SAUCE, 

Which  is  go  highly  esteemed  with  Pish,  Game, 
Steaks,  Soups,  Grills,  Gravies,  Hot  &  Cold  Meats, 
and  unrivalled  for  general  use,  is  Sold  by  the  most 
respectable  Dealers  in  Fish  Sauces. 

C.  Cocks,  Reading,  Sole  Manufacturer. 


Price  of  the  Complete  Cyclopaedia,  £12. 

"  Upon  the  whole,  then,  we  are  able  to  speik  very  favourably  of  this  new  CyclopEerlia  Its 
great  recommendation  is  not  its  comparative  cheapness  (though  the  cost  only  averages  about  half 
a  guinea  a  volume),  but  its  originality,  completeness,  and  general  trustworthiness.  We  may 
express  a  hope  that  its  enterprising  publisher  will  have  no  reason  to  regret  his  considerable 
venture.  He  is  not  likely,  we  think,  to  have  to  complain  of  want  of  patronage,  if  it  is  sufficiently 
remembered  that  any  one  of  his  fourgreat  divisious  may  be  purchased  separately  as  a  work  com- 
plete in  itself.  Few  may  be  able  to  afford  the  whole  series  ;  but  there  are  many  who  will  be  glad 
to  procure,  for  example,  a  Biographical  Dictionary,  while  others  will  require,  for  their  peculiar 
tastes  or  studies,  the  Geographical  Cyclopaedia,  or  those  of  the  Arts  and  Sciences  or  of  Natural 
History." — Saturday  Review. 

London:  BRADBURY  AND  EVANS,  11,  Bouverio  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 

Mf 

From  the  Cook's  Guide,  (Published  by 
Mr.  Brntlev,  New  Burlington  Street) 
by  Mons.  O.  E.  Franoatklli,  late  Chief 
Cook  to  Her  Majesty. 

SAVORY  CUSTARD. 
To  one  dessert  spoonful  of  Brown  and 
Polson,   add  rather  better  thau  half-a- 
pint  of  good  beef-tea ;  mix  and  stir  over 
the  fire  for  five  minutes,  and  then  ad- 
minister. This  is  a  light  yet  invigorating 
kind  of  food  to  the  debilitated  stomach, 
which  in  its  results  will  prove  far.  more 
satisfactory  than  any  preparation  known. 
Note. — This  delicate  custard  may  also 
be  advantageously  prepared  with  broths 
made  from  mutton,   game,  or  poultry; 
for  the  correct  preparation  of  which  see 
Franoatelli's  Cook's  Ga-Jt. 
BROWN  &  POLSON,  Manufacturers  and  Purveyors  to  Her  Majesty  the  Queen. 
Paisley,  Manchester,  Dublin,  and  London. 


THE    BEST 


FOR    INDIGESTION. 

Are  confidently  recommended  as  a  simple; 
but  certain  Remedy  for  Indigestion.  They 
act  as  a  powerful  Tonic  and  gentle  Aperi- 
ent :  are  mild  in  their  operation ;  safe 
mder  any  circumstances ;  and  thousands 
.f  persons  can  now  bear  testimony  to  the 
i'j> i3  ti  fijta KB  $     tii  i^SeI  ^?  benefits  to  be  derived  from  their  use. 

Sold  in  Bottles  at  Is.  lid.,  2.s.  9-'.,  and  lis.  each,  in  every  town  in  the  kingdom. 
CAUTION—  Be  sure  to  ask  for  "NORTON'S  PILLS,"  and  do  not  be  persuaded  to  purchase 
the  various  imitations. 


©LACK'S    SILVER    ELECTRO-PLATE    IS    A    COATING;  OE 

Rp, 'STERLING  SILVER  OVER  NICKEL,  and  the  best  Substitute  ever  invented.  Manufactured' 
solely  by  RICHARD  and  JOHN  SLACK. 

Table  Forks  or  Spoons  £1  10  0  Strongest  Plated  £1  IS  0  per  dozen. 

Shell  Pattern  Spoons  or  Forks,  as  engraving,  £1  12  0  and  £2  2  .0. 
Every  article  for  the  Table  as  in  Silver.     Old  goods  re-plated  equal  to  new.     Catalogues,  with 
Engravings  free  by  Post.     Orders  above  £2  Carriage  free. 

RICHARD  and  JOHN  SLACK,  336,  Strand,  opposite  Somerset  House. 

QOTJTHSEA  IS  THE  MOST  ATTRACTIVE  WATERING,  PLACE 
**  LI  ENGLAND; 

Two  Hours  from  London,  and,  by  the  New  Pier  on  Southsea  Beach,  twenty  minutes  from  the 

Isle  of  Wight. 

THE   BEST    BAT  SING    ON    THE    SOUTH    CO  1ST ; 

Grand  Esplanade,  with  Splendid  View  of  the  Isle  of  Wight,  Spithead,  and  the  Solent ;  Yachting  ; 

Naval  and  Military  Evolutions  :  Military  Bands  daily  ;  Good  Hotels,  Assembly  Rooms, 

Libraries,  First-class  Lodging  Houses  facing  the  Sea. 

CHARGE     MADS    FOR     STAMPING    PAPER 

and  ENVELOPES  with  ARMS,  CREST,  or  INITIALS— BODRiGUES' 

superior  cream-laid  adhesive  ENVELOPES,  id.  per  W0;  cream-laid  note,  full-size,  live  quires 
for  6i  ;  thick  ditto,  five  quires  for  Is.;  superfine  foolscap,  'is.  per  ream;  sermon  paper,  4s.  Rd. 

WEDDING  CARDS,  WEDDING  ENVELOPES.  INVITATIONS  to  the  CEREMONY, 
DEJEUNER  an.l  BALL,  PRINTED  an.l  STAMPED  in  SILVER,  with  ARMS  or  CREST 
in  the  latest  fashion.  CARD-PLATE  ELEGANTLY  ENGRAVED  and  101)  SCPERFINb 
CARDS  PRINTED  for  4s.  6d. 

Observe,  at  HENRY  RODRIGUES'  well-known  Establishment,  42, Piccadilly,  two  doors 
from  Saekville  Street,  W. 


WAPPIN     BROTHERS' 

AvA    LONDON     ESTABLISHMENT     IS 
AT  LONDON  BRIDGE.— Established  in  Sheffield, 
a.d.  1810. 
Mappin  Brothers'   Gentleman's    Guinea   Dressing 

Case. 
Mappm  Brothers'  Two  Guinea  Dressing  Case,  in 

Solid  Leather. 
Mappin  Brothers'   Four  Pound   Dressing  Bag   is 

recommended  for  strong  service. 
Mappin  Brothers'  Leather  Dressing  Case  for  Ladies, 

JB1  4s. 
Mappin  Brothers'  Leather  Dressing  Case,  lined  with 

silk  velvet,  lock  and  key,  £2  12s. 
Mappin    Brothers'    Travelling   Dressing    Bag    for 

Ladies.  £4  4s. 
An   Illustrated  Catalogue   sent   gratis  and  post 
free.— Mafpin  Brothers,  67  and  d8.  King  William 
Street,    London    Bridge.      Manufactory,    Queen's 
Cutlery  Works,  Sheffield. 


KEATING'S  PERSIAN  INSECT  DESTROYING 
POWDER. 

V LEAS  IN  DOGS,  POULTRY, 

■«"  &c,  are  instantly  destroyed,  as  also 
Bugs,  Beetles,  and  every  other  Insect,  by  this 
Powder,  which  is  perfectly  harmless  to  animal  life; 
sportsmen  particularly  will,  therefore,  find  it 
invaluable. 

Sold  in  i'ackets,  Is.,  *?s.  6d,,  and  As.  6d.  each,  or 
post  free  for  14,  or  treble  size  for  :t6  postage  stamps, 
by  Thomas  Keating,  Chemist,  79,  St.  Paul's 
Churchyard,  London. 

Take  notice  each  genuine  packet  bears  the  above 
name  andaddress. 

fSHUBB'S   PATENT   BETEC- 

w  TO  ft  LOCKS;  Chubb's  Fire  and  Bur- 
glar Proof  Safes;  Chubb's  Fireproof  Strong-room 
Doors;  Chubb  8  Street-door  Latches,  with  small 
keys;  Chubb's  Cash  and  Deed  Boxes.— Illustrated 
Price  List  sent  free. 

Ciiubb  &  Sov,  No.  57,  St.  Paul's  Churchyard. 


x. 


i^LEff  FIELD    PATENT 

>=»'  STAROH,  Used  in  the  Royal  Laundry, 
and  Pronounced  by  Her  Majesty's  Laundress,  to  be 
the  Finest  Starch  she  ever  used.  Sold  by  all  Chan- 
dlers, Grocers,  &c.  &c. 

Wothersfoon  &  Co.,  Glasgow  and  London. 

:r*    M.  INNES  &  Co.,  WINE 

-**M  Merchants,  69,  Strand,  W,C,  strongly 
recommend  their  Pale  Dry  Dinner  Sherry  at  '2Ss,t 
yis.,  and  ;-S6s.;  Vino  dc  Pasto,  43s.;  Pure  Medoc 
Claret,  C w. 


"DIMMEL'S    ?A- 

■*»■*>    TENT     PERFUME 
VAPORISER,  an  Elegant  Ap- 
paratus, recommended  by  Dr. 
Letheby  and  Db.Hassall  for 
diffusing     the     fragrance    of 
flowers,  and  purifying  the  air. 
Price  from  6s. 
Kimmel,  Perfumer. 
96,  Strand,  and  21,  Cornliill. 


\  IHIiLIPSON.tS  Go's  New  Feyfume, 

->-LA.  DIJCHESSE." 


Tie  moot  refreihing  and  tatibM  ef  th«  dsy.  \ 
Price  2s.  6d.  of  all  Chemirtj  a,ad  Vendon  of  i 
Perfumery, or  by  letter  (»tiolosiB| »  Port  Office  ' 


Orderor  Stamps)  to  FHtLLIFiBOX  AND  CO.,  i 
s  1,  Budge  Row,  St.  Paltl**,  Lsrroorr,  JS-C.  % 
i  ThePOMADE,3».6d..80AP,U.|OIL,»».5(f.  ♦ 
\  Perfumery  for  entry  citmaui.  CfttMofaetfree.  { 


pliE  FB&EST-  .SOUCH.OM0- 3»&.P?I!} 
Gnai»aitteed.  tke  Beat   Quality 

\MDOEE  BROTHERS 

1  3&'  tOUDOM  BR  I'D  ff  E-'  S1TY. 

1'MOLLIENT     VEGETABLE 

■**  SOAR  This  celebrated  Snap,  so  agree- 
able in  nerfunae,  and  so  conducive  to  the  beautifying 
of  a  delicate  skin,  is  now  manufactured  iu  tablets 
as  well  as  in  squares,  1*.  each. 

H.  Riggb,  35,  New  Bond  Street. 

COCKLE'S  ANTIBILI0US 
PILLS,  a  medicine  now  in  use  among 
all  classes  of  Society  for  indirection,  bilinus.  liver, 
and  Stomach  Complaints.  Prepared  only  by  James 
Cockle,  18,  New  Ormond  Street,  aud  to  be  had  of 
all  Medicine  Vendors,  in  boxes  at  Is.  hid.,  2s.  9<2., 
and  4s.  i'-7. 


October  5,  1861.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


133 


U  '::. 


Mr.  Peewit  (goaded  into  reckless  action  by  the  impetuous  Mrs.  P.).    "  I — 7 — 7  shall  report  you  to  your  Master,  Conductor,  for  not  putting 
us  down  at  the  corner " 

Conductor.  "Lor'  bless  ycr  'art,  Sir,  it  ain't  my  Master  asl'm  a/card  onl  I'm  like  you — it's  my  Missus 1  " 


HOW    TO    TEACH    RELIGION. 

The  way  to  blend  religious  with  secular  instruction  is  beautifully 
exemplified  in  the  following  extract  from  the  evidence  of  Charles 
Griffiths  a  little  boy  about  eleven  years  of  age,  given  at  the  Bishop's 
Castle  County  Court,  Salop,  a  few  days  since,  in  an  action  brought  by 
his  father  against  Henry  Coward,  master  of  the  Bishop's  Castle 
National  School,  for  having  violently  assaulted  and  beaten  him,  the 
said  Charles  Griffiths  : — 

"  I  was  a  scholar  at  the  National  School  in  Bishop's  Castle,  of  which  the  defendant 
is  the  master.  On  the  24th  of  May  last,  when  at  prayers,  I  spoke  to  a  boy  named 
Addis,  hut  as  I  saw  the  master  looking  at  me  I  desisted.  I  did  not  speak  to  him 
again.  After  prayers,  myself  and  two  other  boys  were  directed  to  stay  in  school. 
The  master  then  asked  who  spoke  at  prayers?  I  said  I  had;  he  then  told  me  to 
i  hold  out  my  hand,  and  I  did  so,  and  he  cut  me  across  it  with  his  cane.  He  told  me 
to  hold  it  out  again  ;  I  complied,  but  drew  it  back  when  he  struck  me.  He  then 
caught  hold  of  me  by  the  neck,  and  threw  me  backwards  across  his  knee,  and  beat 
me  across  the  back  with  his  cane.  When  the  defendant  loosed  me  I  fell  down 
insensible.  On  recovering  myself  I  saw  the  master  was  at  his  desk,  and  he 
told  me  to  '  be  off.'  I  then  crawled  along  by  the  wall  to  the  door,  and  went  into  the 
playground.  I  nearly  fell  down  from  exhaustion  while  getting  up  the  steps,  when 
two  boys  came  and  helped  me  up  and  assisted  me  home." 

This  gentle  chastisement  produced  only  a  number  of  great  wheals 
extending  all  round  this  naughty,  good-for-nothing  boy's  shoulders,  and 
down  his  back  to  his  thighs  ;  for  perhaps  it  did  not  also  occasion  the 
entire  paralysis  of  his  lower  extremities,  which,  according  to  the  testi- 
mony of  Mr.  H.  Brooks,  surgeon,  supervened  upon  it,  and  might  have 
been  caused  by  a  violent  wrench  of  the  back. 

_  The  Judge,  although  legally  obliged  to  give  judgment  for  the  plain- 
tiff, with  £20  damages,  said  the  defendant  "was  perfectly  justified  in 
punishingthe  lad."  Justified?— what  a  very  weak  word  !  Mr.  Coward 
is  very  highly  to  be  commended  for  caning  the  wicked  little  boy, 
Charles  Griffiths  as  he  did;  thus  justly  punishing  the  horrible 
impiety  of  which  that  ungodly  urchin  had  been  guilty  in  whispering  to 
a  schoolfellow  during  prayers.  What  if  he  had  broken  the  profane 
varlet's  back  ?  Master  Griffiths  would  have  remained  a  caution  to 
other  juvenile  sinners.     The  cane  is  the  instrument  wherewithal  to 


awaken  the  devotional  sentiment  which,  in  the  youthful  mmd,  is  too 
apt  to  slumber,  and  is  too  seldom  aroused  by  the  gentle  and  winning 
voice  in  which  a  national  schoolmaster  generally  reads  prayers. 
Wheals  which  cover  the  shoidders,  back  and  thighs  of  a  little  boy  are 
outward  and  visible  marks,  whereuuto  correspond  inward  and  spiritual 
impressions,  which  latter  are  never  effaced.  Religion  is  thus  connected 
with  childhood's  earliest  and  tenderest  associations,  and  in  after  years 
is  esteemed  accordingly.    Bodily  wheals  conduce  to  the  soul's  welfare. 

"  Spare  the  rod  and  spoil  the  child  "  is  a  saying  to  be  received  and 
enforced  in  its  natural  and  literal  sense,  whatever  the  heretical  authors 
of  Essays  and  Reviews  (who  ought  to  be  burnt)  may  say  to  the  contrary. 
What  is  true  of  the  rod  holds  equally  good  of  the  cane,  especially  con- 
sidered as  the  means  of  correcting  the  inattention  of  children  to  their 
religious  duties,  or  at  least  of  compelling  them  to  exhibit  a  sanctified 
exterior.  The  child  will  be  spoiled  if  the  cane  is  spared;  but  the 
unsparing  use  of  the  cane  will  spoil  no  child  otherwise  and  more 
seriously  than  by  paralysing  its  lower  limbs,  for  example,  or  perhaps 
killing  it. 

The  foregoing  remarks  may  embolden  Cowards  to  persevere  in  beating 
religion  into  little  children,  without  regard  to  legal  consequences. 


A  Lucky  Saint. 

Saint  Januarius  has  turned  Victor-Emanuelite,  and  has  boiled  just 
as  neatly  as  if  Bomba  were  king,  vice  Yictor.  The  Pope  is  awfully 
disgusted,  having  hoped  better  tilings  of  St.  Pomatum,  and  says  that  if 
the  latter  had  not  been  indiscreetly  placed,  hi  past  ages,  out  of  reach  of 
Popes,  he,  Pius,  would  send  him  where  he  should  boil  for  at  least  a 
hundred  years.   St.  Punch  congratulates  St.  Januarius  on  his  good  luck. 


MORE   THEATRICAL   NEWS. 


Nil  Darpcm,  the  "Indigo  Play"  that  has  created  such  sensation  in 
India,  is  being  prepared  for  the  London  stage.  Overtures  have  been 
made  to  Mr.  Paul  Bedford  to  sustain  his  original  part  of  Blue-Skin. 


VOL.   XLI. 


LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[October  5,  1861. 


Nurse.  "  Well,  Master  Walter;,  I  don't  lcnoy>  who  you  take  your  temper 
from.     I  am  sure  you  don't  take  after  your  Mother  I " 

Young  , Hopeful.  "My  Mother!  A  Man  does  not  take  after  hit 
Mother — a  Man  ta,kes  after  his  Father  I " 


SEVERE,  IE  NOT  SAVAGE. 

"  My  dear  Mr.  Punch,  "  Convolvulus  Cottage,  Friday. 

"  As  I  know  you  are  a  gentleman,  although  you  are  sadly  rude 
sometimes,  Sir,  in  your  remarks  about  the  ladies,  I  am  sure  you  will 
agree  with  me  that  such  advertisements  as  this,  which  I  cut  out  of  a 
newspaper  a  day  or  two  ago,  are  so  extremely  low  and  vulgar  and. 
offensive  to  good  taste,  that  any  editor  of  sense  should  know  better 
than  to  print  them  : —  » 

WANTED,  by  a  Single  Gentleman  (a  smoker),  and  not  remarkably 
fond  of  very  small  children,  FURNISHED  APARTMENTS,  with  Piano,  near 
Streatham,  Balham,  or  New  Wandsworth  Railway  Stations.  Forward  full  parti- 
culars or  none  at  all.  If  also  a  Gentleman  wishing  similar  accommodation  and  the 
society  of  a  fellow  rather  inclined  to  be  jolly  under  the  privations  of  unrequited  love, 
lie  may  hear  of  a  kindred  spirit  by  addressing  a  line  to  X.  T.  Z. 

"  I  dare  say,  Sir,_  this  Monster  thinks  himself  a  blighted  being, 
because  the  lady  of  his  love  will  not  listen  to  his  wooing.  And  he  very 
likely  wonders  why  it  is  she  will  uot  hear  him.  As  if  any  girl  would 
venture  to  wed  a  cruel  wretch  who  was  not  fond  of  children !  Why, 
who  knows  but  such  a  husband  might  turn  out  a  perfect  Herod,  and 
twist  his  baby's  head  off  the  first  time  that  he  got  hold  of  it.  I  'm  sure 
my  fingers  tingle  while  I  think  what  he  might  do,  and  I  can  hardly 
hold  my  pen  still,  I  should  so  like  to  stick  it  into  him. 

"  As  for  his  absurdity  in  saying  he  intends  to  lead  a  '  jolly'  life,  not- 
withstanding all  the  agonies  of  unrequited  love,  was  there  ever  auy thing- 
more  pitiably  ludicrous  ?  It  is  very  fine  attempting  to  make  light  of 
his  rejection,  but  depend  on  it  he  deeply  feels  his  disappointment ;  and 
if  any  '  fellow  '  joins  him  in  the  hope  of  merry  company,  I  '11  bet  a  pair 
of  gloves  that  he  '11  be  soon  glad  to  be  quit  of  it.  Jolly,  indeed !  and 
with  the  memory  of  his  snub — I  feel  quite  sure  it  was  a  snub — still 
fresh  upon  him.  Nonsense.  Don't  tell  me.  I  know  how  a  brother 
Charley  looked  when  Rosa  Jenkins  wouldn't  have  him.  X.  Y.  Z.  will 
be  heard  nightly  sadly  pounding  his  piano  with  the  dolefullest  of  tunes, 
while  all  the  cats  in  the  vicinity  squeal  outside  by  way  of  chorus.  And 
serve  him  right,  i"  say.  lor  what  right  have  men  to  marry,  if  they 
don't  like  babies  ?  Answer  me  that,  dear  Mr.  Punch,  or  else  set  it  as  a 
puzzle  to  your  bachelor  contributors. 

"  Yours,  in  a  great  hurry,  for  I  hear  my  Pet  inquiring  for  me, 

"Betsalinda  Brown." 

"P.S.  The  '  gentleman  "s  a  'smoker,'  is  he?  I  hope  he '11  find  his 
chimneys  smoke,  all  the  winter  through ;  and  as  he  wants  to  live  in 
lodgings,  I  have  no  doubt  that  he  will." 


'Cre  Nom  D'un  Chien,"— Mr.  B-eb-ck,  alias  The  Dog  Tear'em. 


A  WARNING   TO  SERVANT  MAIDS. 

A  Certain  young  woman  in  service  did  dwell ; 
The  place  Wolverhampton,  a  true  tale  to  tell. 
She  was  standing,  one  Sunday,  her  master's  door  nigh ; 
When  lo !  and  behold  a  young  workman  came  by. 

He  seemed  a  respectable  sort  of  young  man, 
Going  after  his  beer,  as  he  carried  a  can. 
He  said  unto  her,  "  Why  art  thou  stickin'  there  ?  " 
She  answered,  "  To  get  just  a  breath  o'  fresh  air." 

So  after  some  talking  and  chaffing  about, 
She  invited  him  in  whilst  her  master  was  out. 
How  many  there  is  as  will  open  the  door 
To  them  as  they  never,  set  eyes  on  before ! 

Down  they  went  to  the  kitchen  together  straightway ; 

And  he  for  himself  had  got  so  much  to  say, 

That,  to  his  persuasion  inclining  her  ear, 

She  filled  up  Ms  can  with  her  master's  own  beer. 

Thereafter  he  kissed  her,  which  she  did  return; 
And  he  swore  what  was  his'n  should  also  be  her'n. 
Whereupon  he  prevailed  of  her  desk  to  get  hold, 
Containing  two  pound  half  a  sovcring  in  gold. 

He  asked  her  to  lend  it ;  she  answered  him,  "  No  !  " 
To  which  he  remarked,  "  You  '11  be  forced  to  do  so." 
Then  her  money  he  boned  and  her  salts-bottle  too  ; 
Which  having  accomplished,  he  bade  her  adieu. 

Upon  the  next  Tuesday  she  met  him  again, 
And  axed  him  to  give  back  her  property  in  vain. 
He  told  her  'twas  spent ;  she  would  see  it  no  more  : 
No  doubt  he'd  served  others  the  same  way  before. 

So  thinking  it  wisest  to  make  a  clean  breast, 
On  her  master's  return  the  girl  went  and  confessed : 
He,  missing  his  German  pipe,  found,  to  his  grief, 
The  same  had  been  likewise  purloined  by  the  thief. 

Him,  being  detected,  they  had  up  in  Court, 
Of  her,  as  a  witness,  the  lawyers  made  sport : 
As  she  was  required  to  appear  'gainst  the  rogue 
With  whom  she  was  foolish  enough  to  collogue. 

Now  all  you  young  women  whose  masters  is  out, 
Don't  let  in  the  first  young  man  hanging  about, 
For  fear  it  should  bring  you  to  shame  and  disgrace, 
And  lose  you  your  money,  and  likewise  yom  place. 


Civilisation  in  Spain. 
By  a  telegram  from  Spain  we  get  the  interesting  intelligence  that— 

"The  annual  bull-fights  have  commenced.  The  concourse  of  people  was  very 
great.     Seventy  persons  have  been  wounded  in  the  arena. " 

What  fun  !  How  much  better  the  fun  would  have  been  though,  if  a 
a  bull  or  two  had  leapt  out  of  the  arena  in  among  the  seats,  aud 
wounded  as  many,  or  more,  of  the  spectators ! 


THE   "NIL  DARPAN"   BORE. 

What  a  deal  of  fuss  has  been  created  hi  connection  with  that 
Bengalee  plav,  the  Nil  Bar-pan  !  Leaving  the  Barpan  out  of  the 
question,  and  looking  only  at  the  Nil,  which  appears  to  be  all  that  there 
is  to  look  at  in  the  case,  we  are  inclined  to  think  that  the  Indian 
Government,  in  treating  it  as  a  matter  of  such  monstrous  importance, 
has  made  a  very  great  coil  about  nothing. 


The  London  Playground  for  Boys  and  Fountains. 
(A  Sabbath  Colloquy  in  Trafalgar  Square.) 

Inquiring  Stranger.  I  say,  Policeman,  how  is  it  the  fountains  are  not 
playing  to-day  ?  .        _•;      .  ......         ' 

Stern  Policeman.   All  playing,  Sir,  is  strictly  forbidden  here  on  a 

Sunday. 

POLES  WITHOUT  HOPS. 

M    de  Montalembert,  in  his  pamphlet,  entitled   A   Nation  in 
Mourning,  says  that  the  Poles,  in  order  to  demonstrate  then  abhorrence 
of  Russian  rule,  have  left  off  dancing.    He  admires  a  gallant  people's  j 
renunciation  of  a  popular  pleasure  in  ceasing  to  dance ;  but  does  he  ' 
call  this  taking  any  steps  towards  achieving  their  independence  ? 


October  5,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


135 


FRIENDS    AT    THE    SWAN. 


amazement,  or  elicit  a  responsive  echo  in  the 
form  of  a  manifest  0  !     The  italics  are  not  our 


thello,  recounting  his 
losses,  concludes  the 
dismal  catalogue  with 
that  odd  lot— troops 
of  Friends.  Hence  it 
has  been  assumed  by 
a  diplomatic  student 
(under  articles  to 
Lord  Malmesbury) 
that  brims  of  awe- 
inspiring  breadth  were 
not  worn  at  Cyprus 
by  Cardinals  alone. 
We  need  scarcely  ob- 
serve, that  this  gen- 
tleman's historical  re- 
collections are  some- 
what obscure  —  that 
his  acquaintance  with 
Fox's  stern  resistance 
to  tyranny  is  very 
limited,  and  his  igno- 
rance of  Barclay's 
entire.  The  fine  pic- 
ture by  _  Macaulay, 
representing  an  Eng- 
lish monarch  with  a 
Penn  in  his  hand  be- 
longs, he  has  no  doubt, 
to  the  National  Gal- 
lery ;  and  one  of  the 
United  States  he  in- 
variably spells  "Pen- 
cilvania,"  under  a 
pleasing  delusion  that 
its  principal  manu- 
facture is  Mordan's 
ever-pointed. 

_  Returning  to  Othello 's  troop — there  can  be  no  question  that  it  was  composed  of  those  florid- 
visaged,  case-hardened  diners-out  who  come  like  swallows,  so  depart.  He  had  no  Friends — 
properly  so  called.  It  is  true  that  the  General's  courtship  (according  to  his  own  assertion, 
solemnly  made  in  a  court  of  justice)  was  similar  to  what  may  be  seen  under  the  doric  portico 
of  some  silent  meeting-house.  Besdemona  herself,  when  she,  with  sweet  simplicity,  did 
"seriously  incline,"  might  have  easily  passed  for  a  young  May  Quakeress.  Though  by  nature 
choleric,  the  General  was  kept  in  such  a  perpetual  ferment  with  Ins  aide-de-camp  getting  into 
night-brawls  and  breaking  his  rest  by  ringing  his  bell,  that  we  cannot  wonder  if  he  sometimes 
devoutly  sighed  for  the  institution  of  a  Peace  Society.  But  of  his  numerous  acquaintance, 
who  were  qualified  for  members  ?  Roderigo,  if  nominated,  would  certainly  have  been  black- 
balled, logo's  contemptuous  treatment  of  his  purse  (pronouncing  it  trash)  was  scarcely 
consistent  with  the  feelings  of  a  Friend.  Whether  Cassio's  tender  concern  for  his  reputation 
was  more  in  harmony  with  such  emotions,  is  just  one  of  those  nice  points  on  which  we  are 
too  diffident  to  offer  any  opinion. 

Modern,  as  compared  with  ancient,  Quakerism  is  far  less  straightlaced.  Its  habits  do  not 
square  as  they  once  did,  with  our  juvenile  notions  of  mathematical  propriety.  More  latitude 
is  now  given  to  one  thing — less  to  another.  What  Beaver  has  lost,  Crinoline  has  gained. 
A  vast  expansion  of  ideas  has  already  taken  place  in  the  Body — though  much — too  much — 
remains  behind.  We  cannot  too  highly  appreciate' those  salutary  reforms  winch  Time  has 
wrested  from  Prejudice,  and  given  to  Fashion.  Mrs.  Opie  on  being  consulted  by  a  young 
married  Friend,  as  to  the  proper  mode  of  dressing  hair,  assured  her  there  was  only  one 
orthodox  way,  and  that  was  to  Fry  it.  No  proud  and  petulant  young  Lady,  on  a  visit  to  a 
quiet  circle  at  Stamford  Hill,  when  she  accompanies  her  dove-like  cousins  to  Meeting,  is  now 
provoked  into  exclaiming,  "0  save  me  from  my  Friends."  We  are  glad  also  to  perceive 
that  the  amicable  Society  are  getting  rid  of  the  plague  of  Flies.  The  Omnibus  like  the 
Sexton  levels  all  distinctions.  An  old  Friend  now  shoulders  a  Cabinet-Maker  with  his  wise 
saws  on  the  elevated  knife-board.  Cab  is  a  criterion  of  character.  On  the  Oaks-day  two 
young  Friends,  both  fair  and  gentle,  though  of  opposite  Sexes,  were  seen  "doing  the 
Hansom "  over  Clapham  Common.  It  may  be  questioned  whether  this  was  a  step  in  the 
right  direction.  Probably  they  were  Ethnologists— if  so,  they  took  the  most  natural  course 
lor  investigating  the  various  Places  of  Men. 

Our  dear  Friends,  however,  are  still  encumbered  with  many  high-backed  and  narrow-seated 
chairs,  and  we  would  willingly  lend  our  assistance  should  they  need  a  vehicle  for  their 
removal  Then  thoughts  run  too  exclusively  along  the  Commercial  lload,  and  their  loftiest 
speculations  require  winnowing  from  Congou  and  Com.  The  Muse,  like  a  fond  Mother,  has 
often  shed  secret  tears  because  Friends  have  drily  refused  to  look  at  her  little  Boy's  letters. 
What  gladness  then  will  illume  her  gentle  eyes  when  by  our  latest  intelligence  they  learn 
tliat  Justice  is  about  to  be  rendered  to  the  superior  penmanship  of  her  First-Born.  In 
simpler  phrase,  Friends— Countrymen,  and  Lovers  of  the  Bard— contemplate  raising  with  a 
golden  lever  a  Monument  to  Shakspeare  !  How  Pegasus  will  neigh !  What  comic  dances 
Pan  will  perform,  and  when,  at  the  shining  portals  of  Olympus,  Mercury  makes  the  joyful 
proclamation,  with  what  energy  will  Apollo  strike  the  lyre  ! 

The  public  declaration  on  which  our  statement  is  based,  we  here  reprint  by  permission. 
Flushed  with  that  legal  eloquence  which  lends  such  an  ineffable  charm  to  Declarations  of 
Insolvency,  this  important  document  will  be  read,  we  are  morally  certain,  either  with  dumb 


own. 

In  the  Matter  op  William  Shakspeare. — 
We,  whose  names  and  donations  are  hereto 
attached,  have  heard  with  feelings  of  deep  satis- 
faction that  it  hath  been  proposed  and  agreed 
by  and  between  sundry  Gn'ted  Intellects  to  erect 
a  Monument  in  token  of  their  veneration  for  that 
great  and  good  Poet,  William  Shakspeare, 
formerly  of  Stratford-upon-Avon,  in  the  County 
of  Warwick,  Gentleman  deceased.  _  The  design, 
we  rejoice  furthermore  to  learn,  is  commended 
by  our  Beloved  Sovereign's  Prune  Minister, 
whose  patronage  of  genius  hath  never  incon- 
siderately ranged  over  a  wide  field,  but  hath  been 
judiciously  confined  to  a  Close.  Hitherto  those 
marble  honours  have  been  withheld  from  the 
Conqueror  of  Mind,  winch  are  lavishly  awarded 
by  St.  Paul's  and  the  Monument  (on  which  then- 
names  are  engraven)  to  the  Mighty  Ones,  who  in 
war-chariots  shake  a  spear  of  Force  instead  of 
Fancy,  and  awaken  Terror  in  place  of  Tender- 
ness within  their  fellow  man.  Sincerely  lament- 
ing that  this  national  debt  hath  been  so  long 
unliquidated,  we  now  hold  out  our  hands  and 
solicit  sympathy  and  subscriptions  towards  its 
immediate  discharge,  trusting  that  all  Friends 
throughout  the  universe  will,  _  like  ourselves,  be 
moved  by  a  warm  spirit  of  gratitude  towards  that 
'  Sweet  William  '  who  hath  bequeathed  to  us  a 
legacy  of  Play-things,  which  contain  nothing 
injurious,  and  which,  luilike  ordinary  Toys,  even 
our  clnldren's  chilcken  will  not  be  tempted  to 
destroy. 

Subscriptions  already  announced,  £1000. 

Mark  Lane         .        .        , 
Grace  Goodenough 
Abel  Sweetman         .        . 
Mercy  Lambswool         , 
David  Duckfoot        .        . 
T.  Pott  .... 

Charity  Dovecote     . 
T.  Total         .... 
Patient  Silentsigh    .        , 
Jonathan  Longstride  . 
Hester  Swansbown   . 
Elkanah  Bottomley 
Susannah  Shuttle    . 
Solomon  Plum 
Hannah  Humblebee 
A  Friend  in  Need 
Ruth  Homebred 
Simon  Pure    .... 
Collected  by' Bland  Smiles 
Sundry  Small  Donations    . 


£ 

s. 

d. 

50 

0 

0 

5 

0 

0 

5 

0 

0 

5 

0 

0 

5 

0 

0 

0 

5 

0 

5 

0 

0 

0 

2 

6 

1 

1 

0 

25 

0 

0 

5 

0 

0 

5 

0 

0 

0 

2 

6 

5 

0 

0 

0 

0 

6 

0 

1 

0 

10 

0 

0 

5 

0 

0 

1 

0 

0* 

Shall  speare's  House, 
Sign  of  the  Swan, 


0     0  10 

Obadiah  Punch, 
Hon.  Sec. 


PARALLELS  OF  CBIME. 

Vehement  Wife.  Captain  Porter  Vale  indeed 
— I  've  no  patience  with  you,  Charles — I  don't 
know  what  I  wouldn't  do  to  him.  Exposing  a 
poor  dear  little  child— he  ought  to  be— O,  every 
punishment  is  too  good  for  him. 

Brutal  Husband.  May  be  so,  my  love,  but  the 
offence  is  not  rare.  Who  made  little  Clara 
stand  on  the  table  and  say  "  Twinkle,  twinkle, 
little  cow,"  to  a  whole  dinner-party,  on  Tuesday 't 

[Wife  tries  to  speak,  hut  can  only  find  words 
to  say  that  there  is  no  use  in  speaking  to 
anybody  who  can  talk  so  idiotically. 


Hard  upon  Lord  Malmesbury. 

It  is  stated,  officially,  that  it  is  now  a  Medo- 
Persic  rule  at  the  Foreign  office  that  all  our 
diplomatic  dispatches  shall  be  written  in  English. 


136 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[October  5,  1861. 


POLITE    ATTENTION 

Lady.  "  Oil  Nonsense,  Child. — There,  must  be  some  Mistake  !  " 

Boy.  "  No,  'M.     Please, 'M,  two  Young  Gexts  said  it  looked  like  Rain,  and  I  was  to  fetch  tou  home  in  this  'ere  Cheer!' 


BISHOP  HAMLET'S  ADVICE  TO  THE  PARSONS. 
Enter  Bishop  and  certain  Parsons. 

Bishop.  Preach  the  sermon,  I  pray  you,  as  I  pronounced  it  to  you 
fluently  on  the  tongue ;  but  if  you  mouth  it,  as  many  of  your  parsous 
do,  1  had  as  lief  the  begging  impostor  spoke  your  discourse.  Nor  do 
not  thump  the  cushion  too  much — your  fist  thus:  but  use  all  gently; 
for  in  the  very  torrent,  tempest,  and  (as  I  may  say)  the  whirlwind  of 
zeal,  you  must  acquire  and  beget  a  temperance,  that  may  give  it 
smoothness.  0,  it  offends  me  to  the  soul  to  see  a  robustious  whisker- 
cheeked  fellow  tear  an  exhortation  to  tatters,  to  very  rags,  to  split  the 
ears  of  the  sanctified,  who,  for  the  most  part  are  capable  of  nothing  but 
inexplicable  grimace  and  rant.  1  could  have  such  a  fellow  whipped  for 
o'erdoing  Chadband;  it  out-mawworms  Maw  worm;  pray  you  avoid  it. 

1st  Parson.  I  warrant  your  lordship. 

Bishop.  Be  not  too  cold,  neither,  but  let  your  own  discretion  be  your 
tutor :  suit  the  emphasis  to  the  word  and  the  word  to  the  emphasis, 
with  this  special  observance,  that  you  o'erstep  not  the  dignity  of  the 
pulpit,  for  anything  so  overdone  is  from  the  purpose  of  preaching, 
whose  end,  both  at  the  first,  and  now,  was,  and  is,  to  hold  as  't  were 
the  mirror  up  to  conscience ;  to  show  piety  her  own  figure,  profane- 
ness  her  own  image,  and  the  very  soul  and  spirit  of  a  man  his  form  and 
pressure.  Now,  this  overdone,  or  come  tardy  oil',  though  it  make  the 
witlings  laugh,  cannot  but  make  the  sober  grieve;  the  censure  of 
the  which  one,  must  in  your  allowance  o'erweigh  a  whole  temple  of 
others.  O,  there  be  parsons,  that  I  have  heard  preach,  and  known 
others  praise,  and  that  highly,  not  to  speak  it  profanely,  that,  having 
neither  the  accent  of  Christians,  nor  the  delivery  of  Christians,  scholars, 
nor  gentlemen,  have  so  moaned  and  bellowed,  that  I  have  thought  some 
of  Little  Bethel's  clergymen  had  framed  them,  and  not  trained  them 
well,  they  imitated  Stiggins  so  abominably. 

1st  Parson.  I  hope  we  have  reformed  "that  indifferentlv  with  us,  my 
lord. 

Bishop.  0,  reform  it  altogether.    And  let  those  that  aim  at  being 


pathetic  preachers  speak  no  other  than  articulate  sounds ;  for  there  be 
of  them,  that  will  themselves  groan,  to  set  on  some  quantity  of  maudlin 
hearers  to  groan  too  ;  though,  in  the  meantime,  some  necessary  question 
of  the  text  be  then  to  be  considered;  that's  villanous,  and  shows  a 
most  pitiful  hypocrisy  in  the  snob  that  uses  it.    Go,  keep  you  steady. 

[Exeunt  Parsons. 

PUFFS  FOR  THE  POLICE. 

In  humble  emulation  of  his  brethren  of  the  penny-a-line  profession, 
who  nobly  omit  no  opportunity  of  puffing  the  Police,  especially  when 
the  latter  have  done  the  very  least  in  the  world  to  deserve  such  laudation, 
Mr.  Punch  has  resolved  to  open  his  columns  from  time  to  time  to  the 
reception  of  paragraphs  in  glorification  of  The  Force.  By  way  of  a 
begiiming,  he  is  happy  to  record  his  testimony  to  the  _  skill,  coolness, 
and  energy  of  Inspector  OTaque  (of  the  Digamma  Division),  as  dis- 
played under  the  following  trying  circumstances.  A  gentleman  of  the 
name  of  Smith  was  walking,  up  Holborn  Hill  on  Saturday_  last,  when 
he  felt  a  tug  at  his  coat,  and  the  next  moment  perceived  his  handker- 
chief, a  valuable  cambric  one,  hemmed,  for  which  he  had  given  eleven- 
pence only  last  autumn,  in  the  grasp  of  a  diminutive  pickpocket.  He 
collared  the  boy,  and  Inspector  O'Paque  at  that  moment  coming  up, 
the  gentleman  gave  the  thief  in  charge.  The  worthy  Inspector,  who 
combines  some  of  the  genius  of  the  first  Napoleon  with  no  small 
share  of  the  hnperturbabLlity  _  of  the  third,  apparently  took  not  the 
slightest  notice,  but,  at  the  right  moment,  and  when  the  least  delay 
would  have  enabled  the  watchful  delinquent  to  escape,  seized  the  latter 
by  the  neck.  There  were  several  persons  about,  and  though  many  of 
them  were  of  the  lower  class,  and  may  possibly  in  then  minds  have 
entertained  an  intention  of  rescuing  the  criminal,  the  dauntless  Inspector 
never  quailed,  but,  calling  to  two  constables  behind  him,  delivered  the 
lad  into  their  charge,  and  walked_  on  without  another  syllable.  This  is 
only  one  of  a  hundred  instances  in  which  the  VroocQ-like  tact  of  In- 
spector O'Paque  has  enabled  him  to  arrest  a  most  determined  and 
dangerous  offender. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI— October  5,  1861. 


CLERICAL  ELOCUTION   LESSON. 

Bishop  Punch.  "  NOW,  SIR,  LET  ME  HEAR  YOU  PUBLISH  BANNS  OF  MARRIAGE." 

Swell  Candidate  for  Orders.    "  I-AW-PUBL'SH    BANNTH   OF   MAWIDGE   'TWEEN   WEGINALD   WOBERTH, 

BATCHLA,  AND " 

Bishop.    "STOP,    SIR,    STOP.      THAT  WILL    NEVER   DO   FOR   US.     YOU    HAD  BETTER  TAKE   ORDERS-IN 

THE  COMMERCIAL  LINE." 


October  5,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


139 


TERRIFIC  EXPLOSION  AT  THE  BROMPTON  BOILERS. 

By  our  Own  Penny -a-Liner. 

bout  two  o'clock,  on  Friday 
last,  the  persons  in  the 
vicinity  of  these  Boilers  were 
alarmed  by  the  sound  of  a 
terrific  explosion.  Hasten- 
ing to  the  spot,  we  were  for- 
tunate enough  to  procure  the 
following  particulars,  which 
may  be  relied  upon.  It  ap- 
pears that  Me,  Peter  Meek- 
buey,  a  highly  respectable 
resident  at  Islington,  had 
been  visiting  the  Boilers  in 
company  with  Mrs.  Meek- 
bttry,  and  in  coming  out  had 
been  incautious  enough  to 
let  drop  a  hint  that  the  lady 
might  as  well  return  to 
Islington  by  an  omnibus 
instead  of  a  ■  cab.  Mrs. 
Meekbury,  who  is  of  a 
highly  inflammable  character, 
took  fire,  and  instantly  blew 
up,  and  indeed  continued  blowing  up  Mr.  Meekbery  with  considerable 
violence.  It  was  thought  at  one  time  that  he  had  been  knocked  into 
the  middle  of  next  week,  but  this  alarm  proved  to  be  unfounded,  and 
prompt  assistance  being  at  hand  in  the  shape  of  a  mother-in-law,  who 
hurried  up  with  a  cab  of  her  own  hiring,  and  for  which  she  nobly 
declared  she  would  die  sooner  than  allow  a  Brute  to  pay,  Mbs.  Meek- 
bery  was  got  out  with  no  other  loss  than  that  of  a  temper  which  she 
can  well  afford  to  spare.  The  accident,  however,  should  be  a  warning 
to  husbands  not  to  drop  anything  likely  to  cause  an  explosion,  and  Mr. 
Meekbury's  nerves  have  been  so  shocked  that,  by  the  advice  of  a 
(young)  medical  friend,  he  has  gone  out  of  town  without  leaving  his 
address. 


OUR  DRAMATIC  CORRESPONDENT. 

"  Dear  Punch, 

"  There  is  a  story  of  a  swell,  who  being  advised  to  go  and 
see  a  play  at  Sadler's  Wells,  exclaimed  '  Aw — Sadlaw's  Wells,  wheaw's 
that  ?— aw — pwecious  long  way,  isn't  it  ? — s'pose  that  one  will  have  to 
change  one's  horses  on  the  woad  ? ' 

"  I  am  not  a  swell  myself,  and  I  know  that  Sadler's  Wells  is  access- 
ible from  Regent  Street  for  an  eighteenpenny  fare,  and  I  know  moreover 
that  whenever  I  have  gone  there  I  have  invariably  been  pleased  with 
my  evening's  entertainment ;  and  yet  with  all  this  knowledge  I  go 
there  very  seldom,  and  why  I  don't  go  oftener  I  'm  sure  I  cannot  say. 
Every  time  I  come  away  I  make  a  firm  resolve  to  go  again  within  a 
month ;  but  somehow  this  intention  always  goes  to  fill  a  gap  in  the 
infernal  pavement.  Notwithstanding  all  our  fancied  craving  for  variety, 
I  think  we  Londoners  are  sadly  apt  to  get  into  a  groove,  and  not  to 
move  far  out  of  the  ways  we  once  have  chosen.  How  many  a  man 
there  is  who  to  save  a  couple  of  minutes  when  he  was  late  for  office, 
used  to  take  what  he  conceived  was  a  short  cut  through  a  court ;  and 
now  his  time  is  all  his  own,  and  he  has  little  work  to  occupy  it,  he  takes 
the  same  short  cut  _  by  force  of  his  old  habit,  and  gets  a  pegtop  on  his 
toe  or  a  tipcat  in  his  eye,  as  a  reminder  that  his  legs  are  not  so  agile  as 
they  were,  nor  his  sight  so  clear  and  watchful. 

"  The  Second  part  of  Shakspeare's  King  Henry  the  Fourth  was  the 
play  I  went  to  see  on  my  late  Islington  excursion.  It  was  played  for  a  few 
nights  at  the  same  house  some  seven  years  since,  but  I  believe  with 
that  exception  it  has  not  been  seen  in  London  for  Avell  nigh  half  a  cen- 
tury. Yet  the  play  as  now  presented  seems  actable  enough,  and  one 
wonders  at  the  verdict  which  long  ago  pronounced  it  to  be  only  readable. 
The  comic  scenes  predominate  through  the  first  four  acts,  and  are  full 
of  pleasant  humour  both  in  action  and  in  speech  ;  while  the  scene  in  the 
fifth  act  with  the  old  King  and  his  sons  is  replete  with  touching  pathos 
and  nobly  written  lines,  and  has  the  stirring  incident  of  the  stealing  of 
the  crown.  I  think  few  more  telling  pictures  have  been  seen  upon  the 
stage  than  the  confronting  of  young  Harry  with  his  dying  father ;  who 
first  upbraids,  then  listens,  then  pardons  and  embraces,  and  retires  to 
die  content.  This  scene  Mr.  Phelps  acted  with  his  son,  and  both  sus- 
tained their  parts  as  well  as  any  actors  living  could  have  represented 
them,  and  neither  mouthed  nor  mumbled  the  words  they  had  to  speak. 
I  had  never  seen  the  latter  gentleman  before,  and  was  glad  to  notice  in 
him  a  carefullevel  utterance,  and  no  tendency  to  rant. 

"  But  admirably  well  as  the  pathetic  parts  were  rendered,  the  comic 
scenes  of  course  were  the  main  feature  of  the  piece.  Mr.  Phelps 
played  Justice  Shallow,  as  well  as  the  old  King,  and  thus  gave  us  a  good 


proof  of  his  quick  versatility,  for  two  characters  more  opposite  than  the 
fussy  fatuous  justice  and  the  calm  majestic  sufferer  it  were  difficult  to 
conceive.  The  trembling  nervous  hands  and  feeble  hesitating  voice, 
seemed  fit  signs  of  his  senility  and  of  his  shallow  pate :  and  while  he 
prattled  on  with  garrulous  complacence  of  the  freaks  of  his  hot  youth, 
one  felt  how  many  Shallows  still  are  extant  in  Society,  and  how  fond 
they  are  of  boring  you  with  the  wild  deeds  which,  by  Jove,  Sir,  they  did 
when  they  were  boys. 

"  To  me  a  great  charm  in  the  plays  that  I  have  seen  at  Sadler's 
Wells  is,  that  they  are  always  evenly  well  cast.  There  is  no  trace  of 
the  system  of  hiring  farthing  dips  to  stand  about  the  stage,  so  as  to 
heighten  the  effulgence  of  some  bright  particular  'Star,'  whose  bril- 
liancy is  deemed  to  be  enough  to  fill  the  house.  On  the  contrary,  the 
ininor  parts  are  carefully  attended  to,  and  no  unnatural  excrescence 
spoils  the  general  effect.  Seeing  the  large  space  that  he  covers  on 
the  stage,  Sir  John  Palstaff  can  be  hardly  called  a  minor  part ;  and 
really  Mr.  Barrett  filled  it  very  well,  though  one  couples  the  fat 
knight  with  more  unctuousness  of  voice.  His  wife,  too,  played  Dame 
Quickly  much  as  one  could  wish ;  for  of  course  one  can't  read  Shak- 
speare without  forming  to  one's  self  one's  own  conception  of  a  part ; 
and  Mr.  Seyton  raved  and  ranted  and  swaggered  o'er  the  stage  with 
better  taste  than  Antient  Pistol  generally  does. 

"  The  spirit  of  Shakspeare  has  been  summoned  to  many  a  seance, 
and  when  it  comes  to  town  again  I  should  certainly  advise'  it  to  visit 
Sadler's  Wells.  If  ghosts  have  memories  and  feelings,  and  are  sensitive 
in  mind,  it  would  do  the  ghost  of  Shakspeare  considerable  good  to 
note  how  Shakspeare's  plays  are  relished  by  that  audience,  and  how 
reverently  it  listens  to  each  one  of  Shakspeare's  words.  '  Attention ! ' 
is  the  order  until  the  curtain  drops,  and  not  a  sneeze  or  snuffle  grates 
upon  the  ear,  indeed  (except  when  moved  to  laughter  or  applause)  the 
house  is  all  so  silent  you  might  hear  a  playbill  drop.  A  good  proof  this 
I  think  that  good  plays  still  are  cared  for,  if  they  are  but  acted  evenly, 
and  mounted  not  with  gorgeous  splendour,  but  simple  natural  good 
taste. 

"  One  who  Pays." 


M'CLELLAN'S  WAU  SONG. 


Among  recent  news  from  America  is  a  report  of  a  "  maiden  speech  " 
delivered  by  General  M'Clellan  to  the  Pennsylvanian  troops.  This 
oration  maybe  said  to  have  been  both  witty  and  poetical.  It  was 
remarkable  for  brevity  "  the  soul  of  wit ;  "  and  that  its  form  was,  in 
chief  part,  at  least,  that  of  poetry,  the  perusal  of  it  will  convince  any 
reader  who  has  a  reasonable  ear  for  versification,.  It  commenced 
with : — 

"  Soldiers !  " 

to  which  single  word  of  simple  prose  succeeded  the  following  lines : — 

*'  We  have  had  our  last  retreat. 
We  have  seen  our  last  defeat. 
You  stand  by  me  and  I  wiU  stand  by  you." 

Here  the  Muse  of  General  M'Clellan  seems  to  have  inspired  him 
to  relinquish  rhyme,  and  to  conclude  Ms  exhortation  in  blank  verse , 
thus  -. — 

"  And  henceforth  victory  will  crown  our  efforts." 

General  M'Clellan  seems  to  be  a  regular  "warrior-bard,"  like 
the  "minstrel -boy  "  who  "to  the  war  had  gone,"  except  that  he  appears 
to  have  no  harp,  whether  "  wild  "  or  tame,  slung  either  "  behind  him," 
or  in  front  of  him.  The  wildness  of  his  measure  is,  however,  some- 
what analogous  to  that  of  the  musical  instrument  with  which  the 
juvenile  Irish  poet  and  hero  went  into  action.  The  antipathy  to  slavery 
displayed  by  that  youthful  patriot  may  turn  out  _  to  constitute  another 
point  of  resemblance  between  him  and  the  American  General ;  who  will 
perhaps,  when  his  conquering  army  shall  have  planted  the  flag  of 
Freedom  upon  Southern  soil,  celebrate  the  emancipation  of  his  sable 
fellow- citizens  by  singing  its  triumphant  achievement  in  a  negro 
melody,  accompanying  himself  on  the  banjo. 


A  Shrewd  ©uess. 

A  Clever  Yankee  alluding  to  the  well-known  line,  "  the  glass  of 
fashion  and  the  mould  of  form,"  makes  a  "  guess  "  that  the  Glass  in 
question  must  have  been  the  Lady  who  wrote  a  celebrated  cookery-book 
under  that  name.  The  "  mould  "  he  explains  by  saying  it  must  mean 
an  ice,  or  jelly,  or  pudding,  or  blancmange,  or  any  other  kind  of 
"mould"  you  like— all  of  which  goes  far  in  his  opinion  to  prove  what  a 
very  clever  fellow  Shakspeare  was.  Not  only  did  he  know  everything 
that  went  before  him,  and  a  great  deal  more,  but  he  could  also 
anticipate  coming  events ! 

a  sight  at  the  sea-side. 

The  Rev.  Mr.  Stutters  walking  on  the  beach,  and  preaching  to 
the  waves  with  pebbles  in  his  mouth  a  la  Demosthenes. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[October  5,  1861. 


Blood  will  carry  anything — at  least  so  Miss  Featherweight 

thinks  ! 


NEWSPAPER    DISTRESS    MEETING. 

The  present  unexampled  failure  of  the  News  Crops  is  producing  a 
most  disastrous  effect  upon  the  journals,  and  unless  something  shortly 
happens,  we  do  not  go  too  far  in  saying  that  they  will  be  reduced  to  the 
extremity  of  coming  out  with  notliing  but  instructive  and  irreproach- 
able matter  iu  them.  The  oldest  sub-editor  has  never  known  such  a 
dearth,  and  there  has  been  a  strong  feeling  in  the  newspaper  offices 
that  some  steps  should  be  taken  to  meet  the  crisis.  A  preliminary 
meeting  of  sub-editors  has  indeed  been  held  upon  the  subject;  and 
though  Mr.  Punch  is  never  in  any  danger  of  suffering  in  the  way  in 
which  his  contemporaries  are  afflicted,  his  warm  and  brotherly  regard 
for  them  induces  him  to  give  publicity  to  the  proceedings,  in  order  that 
the  public  may  know  how  exceedingly  hard  is  the  task  to  supply  it 
just  now  withthe  exciting  reading  which  it  requires. 

The  gathering  was  held  in  the  reporters'  room  in  the  office  of  the 
Morning  Flambeau.  The  Meeting  sat  about,  where  it  could,  aud  the 
veteran  Mr.  Shears  was  unanimously  called  to  the  chair.  He  laugh- 
ingly responded  that  the  Meeting  might  be  hanged,  and  sat  upon  his 
big  table,  swinging  his  legs  in  the  most  affable  manner,  and  intimating 
that  if  anybody  wanted  to  speak  he  might  do  so  without  any  charge ; 
meantime,  he  himself  would  have  some  pale  ale. 

Mr.  Clipper  said  they  all  knew  too  much  about  meetings  to  go  into 
any  gammon  of  that  kind;  but  if  any  gentleman  would  "be  obliging 
enough  to  tell  him  how  to  make  up  a  paper,  he  would  willingly  stand 
that  gentleman  any  refreshment  he  liked  to  put  a  name  to  up  to  the 
amount  of  fourpence.  Did  they  realise  the  fact  that  this  last  week  they 
had  actually  printed  the  speeches  at  five  agricultural  dinners?  {Sensation') 

Mr.  Slash  said  that  it  was  too  true,  and  would  add,  in  further  proof 
ol  their  condition,  that  he  had  that  morning  given  out  a  report  of  an 
address  by  Mr.  Sptjrgeon  about  the  Gorilla. 

Mr.  Clipper  said  that  that  was  not  so  bad,  and  he  would  be  glad  of 
a  pull  of  it  for  his  own  paper. 

Mr.  Slash  said  of  course  he  should  have  it.  But  what  was  to  be 
done :  .Last  week  he  had  great  hopes,  for  a  fellow  came  in  with  a  grave 
statement  that.  Blondin  had  had  a  tumble,  and  was  done  for ;  and  he 
had  actually  given  out  Blondin's  memoir,  and  written  to  a  leader- 
writer requesting;  a  column  of  spicy  remarks  upon  the  barbarity  of  such 
exhibitions  ;  but  it  was  a  sell,  a  vulgar  sell,  now  running  about.  You 
tlLnfZr}    °W'     B<™»'s  kilkd,"  and  when  he  has  done  being 

mT  w '  y°U  S-aAi  Te?i  he  ?  skiUed  011  t]ie  r°pe."    {Indignation.) 
M    VAKY  Bv\W  tle7  liac   tried  t0  d°  km  in  the  same  unprin- 
cipled manner ;  but  he  had  turned  their  dodge  into  a  paragraph,  stated 

Jf™'  a»d  added  »  contradiction.  («  Of  course1)  But  this  was 
small  game.    They  really  ought  to  have  something  on  a  large  scale 


He  was  not  going  to  bind  himself  or  others  by  what  he  was  going  to 
'say,  but  suppose  that  a  man  could  be  found  who  for  a  certain  con- 
sideration would  blow  up  Tilbury  Fort,  did  those  present  think  that 
those  whom  they  represented  would  help  to  make  up  a  purse  ? 

Mr.  Scorer  said  that  that  was  talking  business.  Would  the 
explosion  demolish  Gravesend  ? 

Mr.  Wary  said  it  would  smash  Gravesend  to  pieces.  He  had  ascer- 
tained the  quantity  of  powder. 

Mr.  Slash  saw  no  objection,  and  the  money  would  be  no  object ;  but 
he  thought  that  they  would  rather  be  playing  into  the  hands  of  the 
:  []  i  Lstrated  papers  than  into  their  own.  Views  of  the  explosion,  views 
of  Gravesend  in  rums,  the  air  full  of  shrimps  and  excisemen,  and  all 
that,  would  make  the  fortune  of  the  picture -fellows ;  but  he  thought 
that  the  dallies  would  get  little  out  of  it.  However,  it  was  worth 
thinking  over.  Meantime  he  would  suggest  the  consideration  whether 
some  plot,  or  large  conspiracy,  or  dreadful  attempt  of  some  kind,  could 
not  be  bought  as  cheaply,  and  the  details  be  all  grist  to  the  mill. 

Mr.  Cissors  took  the  same  view.  But  it  must  be  something  large. 
What  did  they  say  to  getting  up  an  Austrian  plot  to  carry  oft  Lord 
John  Russell  ? 

Mr,  Scorer  thought  a  French  plot  woidd  be  better,  as  the  letters 
would  be  more  easy  to  translate.  But  he  feared  that  this  would  create 
no  great  interest.  '  There  were  thousands  of  people  who  thought  Lord 
Russell  was  the  same  as  the  Special  Correspondent  in  America,  and 
the  women  didn't  care  about  him,  and  it  should  be  a  regular  sensation 
business  for  them.  Could  an  American  vessel  in  Liverpool— a  Southern 
vessel— make  a  dash  at  a  school,  and  carry  all  the  children  away  to  be 
sold  for  slaves— that  woidd  rouse  the  mothers  a  bit,  especially  if 
three  or  four  young  ones  were  dropped  into  the  Mersey  in  then  night- 
gowns.    {Applause.) 

Mr.  Wary  said  that  he  should,  unluckily,  have  to  discredit  that, 
because  his  paper  went  in  for  the  South.     Could  a  fellow  be  got  to 
advertise  that  on  a  given  day  he  would  jump  off  the  top  of  St.  Paul's. 
Mr.  Cissors.  But  he  must  do  it. 

Mr.  Wary.  Of  course  he  must  do  it— I  am  supposing  him  to  be  a 
man  of  character  and  honour,  to  lie  deucedly  well  paid,  too. 

Mr,  Scorer  said  that  there  was  business  there.  The  man  must 
write  to  the  Dean  and  Chapter  for  leave— they  would  take  no  notice, 
ami  there  was  an  opening  for  a  severe  article  oh  haughty  hierarchical 
corporations— then  there  woidd  be  betting  as  to  whether  the  whole 
thing  was  a  sell— he  must  hide  himself  in  the  vaults— hear  _  the  service 
for  the  last  time— come  up  too  soon  and  frighten  an  intelligent  verger 
into  a  fit— all  good,  and  a  biography  of  the  verger  must  be  had.  Seen 
on  the  top  gallery,  at  early  dawn,  waving  a  black  flag— horror  of  the 
metropolis— Dean  and  Chapter  awake  at  last,  and  send  a  policeman— 
but  the  door  nafled  up,  and  no  getting  at  him.  Frantic  Volunteers  at 
Darin's  offer  to  shoot  him  to  prevent  frightful  spectacle,  and  send  oft 
to  Sir  George  Grey  for  leave.  The  fellow  dances,  and  reads  out  of  a 
book,  which  he  throws  down— vigdant  Serjeant  X  1999  gets  it— only  a 
Whole  Duty  of  Man,  but  we  '11  reprint  it,  as  part  of  the  story.  Disappears, 
and  the  metropolis  is  indignant— by  the  way,  this  might  be  done  lor 
two  or  three  days,  if  he  takes  up  sandwiches  and  a  flask  of  brandy,  but 

on  the  third  day,  while  the  big  clock  strikes  twelve Come,  there  s 

plenty  of  graphic  business  there. 
Mr.  Cissors.  But  he  must  do  it.  •     , 

Mr.  Scorer.  Don't  I  keep  saying  so?  And  then  there  '11  be  the  inquest, 
and  a  thousand  letters  urging  that  St.  Paul's  should  be  taken  down,  or 
wired  over,  or  something,  and  it  maybe  the  question  whether  we  should 
not  advise  the  indictment  of  the  Dean  and  Chapter  as  accessories— it 
seems  to  me  that  there  is  good  stuff  there,— if  you  can  find  the  man. 
Mr.  Cissors.  But  he  must  do  it.  . 

Mr.  Wary.  Certainly  he  must.  Well,  that's  a  suggestion,  and  it 
the  meeting  sees  anything  in  it,  I  may  say  that  there  '11  be  no  difficulty 
with  us.    Anybody  else  anything  to  propose  ?  . 

Mr.  Prtjner  supposed  it  would  be  no  good  setting  fire  to  Bucking- 

113111     I    'I  IflPP 

Mr.Slash  thought  not— there  had  been  so  many  fires  lately. 

Mr.  Scorer  wondered  whether  anything  could  be  done  in  the  way 
of  a  gas  explosion.  . 

Me,  Wary  said  that  the  gas  was  so  abominably  bad  now-a-days  that 
nobody  would  believe  it  could  go  off. 

Mr.  Snipper  said  that  poison  stories  always  told— he  was  lor  some- 
thing  in  that  way.  Would  anybody  put  ipecacuanha  into  all  the  drink- 
ing fountains  ?  . , 

Mr.  Cissors  had  a  good  mind  to  prophesy  an  earthquake.  Me  would 
get  strong  letters  from  scientific  men,  who  '11  say  anything,  it  you  can 
only  ask  them  to  contradict  other  scientific  men,  and  one  could  work 
away  on  the  theme  until  nobody  could  sleep  in  then  beds.  _ 

This  suggestion  was  loudly  applauded,  aud  the  Meeting  resolved, 
first,  that  Mr.  Cissors  was  a  brick  ;  secondly,  that  the  subject  should 
be  taken  up  and  worked  ;  thirdly,  that  they  would  have  pale  ale  ;  and 
fourthly,  that  the  Chairman  should  pay  for  it.  So,  unless  something 
better  turns  up,  the  public  may  shortly  expect  to  hear  that  strange 
underground  noises,  accountable  for  on  uo  ordinary  solution,  have  been 
heard  in  Devonshire  aud  Norfolk,  and  that  intense  heat  is  observable  in 
the  Midland  mines.    It 's  coming  ! 


October  5,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


141 


GREEN    GO    THE    LASSES,    O! 

jten  have  we  heard  of 
countless  accidents  by 
Crinoline,  but  Crino- 
line is  not  the  only 
cause  of  danger  in  a 
lady's  dress.  At  least 
a  correspondent  who 
writes  to  a  contem- 
porary, and  appends 
his  name  with  the 
affix  of  "M.D.,"  gives 
some  rather  startling 
reasons  for  believing 
so.  After  stating  that 
the  fashionable  mauve 
tint,  and  Magenta, 
"will  not  stand  the 
test  of  artificial  light," 
he  proceeds  next  to 
remark  that — 

"  The  only  colour,  per- 
haps, which  remains 
fixed  under  all  kinds  of 
light  is  what  is  known  as 
'Scheele's  green.'  This 
colour,  which  is  pleas- 
ingly bright  in  the  day, 
is  made  of  arsenic,  and 
preserves  its  freshness 
and  beauty  under  all 
trials  of  artificial  light. 
Now,  as  Paterfamilias 
probably  knows,  if  he 
looks  into  his  wife's  ac- 
count with  her  milliner,  there  is  a  new  light  stuff  called  tarlatane,  which  has  recently  come 
very  much  into  vogue.  A  lady  in  proper  fashion,  with  a  good  green  tarlatane  dress,  is  surrounded 
by  92  square  feet  of  tarlatane,  and  this  92  square  feet  of  tarlatane  contains,  as  a  chemical  fact, 
about  13  ounces  of  arsenic  !  Fancy  a  bevy  of  a  dozen  or  two  of  such  young  ladies  '  in  verdure 
clad'  of  this  kind,  and  that  at  every  crash  of  then-  dress,  every  toss  of  it  in  a  quadrille,  this 
arsenic  is  given  off  in  poisonous  dust,  and  that  this  dust  is  the  fruitful  source  of  headache,  red- 
ness of  skin,  inflammation  of  the  stomach,  consumptive  cough,  &e. " 

With  this  knowledge  in  his  mind,  we  think  a  man  would  be  as  green  as  the  dress 
of  his  fan;  partner,  if  he  either  waltzed  or  polked  with  a  lady  in  Scheele's  green. 
In  fact,  girls  in  these  green  dresses  ought  to  be  marked  "Dangerous!"  or  to 


have  "  Beware  of  Poison  ! "  embroidered  in  red  letters 
right  across  then-  backs.  Whenever  for  the  future  we 
go  into  a  ball-room,  we  shall  look  on  each  green  lady 
as  a  new  Lucrezia  Borgia,  who  would  subtly  be  the  death 
of  us  if  we  joined  her  in  the  dance. 

Nor  are  head-dresses  less  hurtful  than  those  which  clothe 
the  body ;  for,  proceeds  M.D. — 

"  We  are  occasionally  meeting  ladies  attacked  with  erysipelatous 
symptoms,  indigestion,  cough— now  distinctly  traceable  to  head- 
dresses containing  green  arsenical  artificial  flowers.  A  careful 
chemical  analysis  of  one  of  these  wreaths  gives  exactly  as  much 
arsenic  as  would  kill  36  men,  and  a  fair  tarlatane  dress  would  kill 
1,500  ! 

Long  experience  has  taught  us  that  it  is  quite  useless 
to  preach  against  the  fashions,  for  ladies  have  deaf  ears 
for  all  complaints  upon  the  subject ;  and  no  matter  how 
dangerous  or  how  ugly  are  their  dresses,  so  long  as  they  are 
fashionable,  ladies  will  persist  in  wearing  them.  So  our 
only  chance  of  making  them  give  up  this  poisonous  green, 
is  by  warning  the  male  sex  of  the  danger  they  incur  by  it, 
and  recommending  gentlemen  to  keep  themselves  aloof* 
from  any  girl  they  meet  with  in  a  verdant  dress  or  wreath. 
When  thus  they  find  themselves  neglected,  if  not  absolutely 
shunned,  ladies  will  of  course  set  all  their  wits  to  work  to 
ascertain  the  cause ;  and  notwithstanding  the  delight  they 
may  feel  in  being  dressed  in  the  fashionable  colour,  we 
will  wager  the  delight  of  being  flirted  with  and  waltzed 
with  will  quickly  prove  the  stronger.  Off  will  go  the 
green,  and  on  will  come  Augustus,  and  the  only  "  redness 
of  skin"  which  will  be  shown  by  the  young  lady  will  be 
the  blush  upon  her  cheek  when  she  hears  the  question 
popped. 


Important  Notice. 

It  is  wished  by  the  Government  that  the  whole  of  the 
ugly  old  copper  coinage  should  now  be  withdrawn  from 
circulation.  Mr.  Punch,  ever  anxious  to  assist  the  adminis- 
tration of  the  country,  hereby  announces  that  he  has  taken 
up  the  iron  cover  of  the  hole  in  the  pavement  over  his  coal 
cellar,  and  any  person  is  at  perfect  liberty  to  shoot  down 
any  amount  of  the  said  coinage,  and  to  walk  away  without 
any  question  being  asked. 


AMBITION  AMONG  THE  ALDEBMEN. 

The  question  "Who  is  to  be  Lord  Mayor?"  appears  this  year 
to  have  created  extraordinary  excitement  in  the  City.  There  seems  to 
have  prevailed  a  supposition  that  the  Monarch  of  the  Mansion  House, 
whoever  he  might  be,  woidd  stand  a  good  chance  of  being  made  a 
baronet,  and  the  prospect  of  getting  what  may  be  called  a  barren 
honour,  occasioned  an  unusual  competition  for  the  Lord  Mayoralty 
amidst  the  aldermanic  body.  Commenting  on  this  generous  rivalry  in 
which  the  chivalry  of  Gufldhall  has  been  lately  engaged,  a  Correspond- 
ent of  the  City  Press,  in  the  subjoined  passage,  asserts  a  high  idea  of 
an  abstract  Lord  Mayor  : — 

"  The  Lord  Mayor  must  be  a  man  of  dignity,  wealth,  and  intelligence— of 
graceful  manners  and  great  discretion." 

and  our  Civic  contemporary  adds  : — 

"  He  must,  in  fact,  be,  according  to  the  Hibernian  description,  '  a  gentleman 
every  inch  of  him.'  " 

as  O'Leary  said ;  whence  the  self-assertion,  "  Every  inch  a  king !  " 
was  put  by  Shakspeare  into  the  mouth  of  Lear,  after  O'Leary. 

But  what  has  Shakspeare  to  do  with  the  dignity  of  Lord  Mayor  ? 
Why,_  when  he  has  occasion  to  deal  with  it,  as  in  Richard  III.  he 
exhibits  it  in  a  light  quite  the  reverse  of  that  wherein  it  is  represented 
in  the  City  Press.  Shakspeare's  Lord  Mayor  has  the  deportment  of  a 
civil  old  beadle  :  his  manners  are  ludicrous,  his  intelligence  is  that  of 
a  goose.  The  only  discretion  he  shows  is  such  as  what  appears  in  the 
better  part  of  valour.  How  different  this  picture  of  the  Lord  Mayor 
is  from  that  which  is  delineated  in  the  City  Press,  and  from  the  reaiity 
which,  at  least  in  modern  times,  has  ever  been  conspicuously  manifest 
at  the  Mansion  House,  and  whereof  the  most  signal  characteristics 
have  always  been  universally  acknowledged  to  be,  a  singidarly  dignified 
bearing,  remarkable  intelligence,  peculiarly  graceful  manners,  and  the 
nicest  discretion. 


NEW  MONKS  WANTED. 

Monks  and  monkery  are  at  such  a  premium  now  that  it  seems 
members  of  the  English  Church  are  desirous  to  go  into  the  monastic 
hue.  An  announcement  appears  by  which  young  men,  English  Pro- 
testants, who  may  feel  a  "vocation"  for  a  conventual  life,  are  invited 
to  address  themselves  to  a  certain  Brother  Ignatius.  They  are  warned, 
however,  that  they  will  have  to  promise  three  things,  Obedience, 
Poverty,  and  Celibacy.  Mr.  Punch  has  no  particular  "vocation"  to 
interfere  with  the  doings  of  idiots,  but  as  regards  the  third  vow,  he 
heartily  approves  it  in  the  case  of  anybody  who  may  think  of  applying 
to  Brother  Ig.  Pancy  a  sensible  girl  ever  being  asked  in  marriage  by 
any  one  who  had  been  helpless  enough  to  prattle  of  a  monastic  life  in 
these  days !  At  the  risk  of  bigamy,  trigamy,  et  omne  quod  exit  in  igamy, 
Mr.  Punch  would  sooner  marry  her  himself  than  allow  her  to  become 
the  bride  of  such  a  Nass.  But,  after  all,  perhaps  Brother  Ignatius  is 
only  one  of  the  ingenious  gentlemen  who  have  a  neat  way  of  getting 
postage  stamps  without  applying  to  the  vendors  thereof,  in  which  case 
we  heartily  wish  him  all  success— monks  of  1861  are  fan-  game. 


A  Kick  in  the  Right  Direction. 

What  is  Italy  to  do  with  his  old  Holiness  the  Pope  ?  Surely  she 
has  had  enough  of  him  by  this  time.  She  will  have  no  peace  and  quiet 
so  long  as  he  remains  with  her.  Now  that  quarter  day  has  come,  she 
had  better  rid  her  house  of  him.  The  bad  company  he  keeps  is  clearly 
quite  enough  of  an  excuse  for  getting  rid  of  him.  We  think  the  Boot 
of  Italy  could  not  well  be  put  to  any  better  use  than  in  kicking  out 
his  Holiness  Pope  Pius. 


Toi  Que  Je  n'&ime  pas. 


At  Alfred  Mellon's  Concert  on  Friday,  during  the  performance 
of  a  selection  from  Robert  le  Liable,  our  friend  Young  Rapid  observed, 
looking  at  the  bill,  "  Ah  !  that  chorus  exactly  represents  the  history  of 
my  case.    Le  Vin.    Les  Belles.    Le  Jew." 


THE  NATION  THAT  TURNS   OUT  MOST  NEGATIVES. 

By  the  recent  Census  we  are  informed  that  in  Paris  there  are  no  less 
than  23,000  persons  who  get  their  living  from  Photography  and  the 
photographic  process.  An  old  fogey,  who  has  never  been  able  to  get 
over  his  stupid  prejudices  against  the  French,  upon  being  told  of  the 
above  fact,  exclaimed  in  a  tone  of  the  greatest  triumph,  "  Egad,  it 's 
just  like  'em !  I  always  said  those  French  fellows  were  the  cleverest 
chaps  in  the  world  for  making  faces." 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[October  5,  1861. 


ACCOMMODATING  J 

Stern  Pabent.  "  Too  Fat  for  a  Page,  you  think,  Sir  ?    Urn  !\  You  see,  Sir,  if  so  be  you  could  wait  a  week  err  so,  we  could  redooce  him  wcry  easy." 


A  GOOD  SORT  OP  FELLOW. 
"  Dear  Mr.  Punch, 

"Me  and  Lucy  LocJcit,  who  is  staying  on  a  visit  with  me 
(bygones  being  quite  bygones)  read  this  in  a  newspaper  on  Thursday 
last,  and  cannot  help,  both  of  us  can't,  sending  it  to  you. 

"  A  fellow  calling  himself  Macheath  was  before  Mr,  Combe  for 
some  paltry  crimes  : — 

"  Me.  Combe  told  him  he  was  a  disgrace  to  the  name  he  had  selected.  Captain 
Macheath  was  a  celebrated  highwayman,  but  he  always  paid  his  tavern  bills.  He 
was  a  good  sort  of  a  fellow,  and  did  not  go  sneaking  about  bilking  hotel-keepers 
and  stealing  boots.  As  a  caution  to  him  for  the  future,  he  should  sentence  him  to 
three  months'  hard  labour  at  Wandsworth." 

"  Lucy  and  me  wish  to  sinnify  to  this  worthy  Magistrate  that  we 
quite  agree  with  him,  and  that  the  way  he  spoke  up  for  the  Captain  did 
credit  to  his  head  and  heart.  Macheath  has  his  frailties,  as  which  of  us 
has  not,  but  what 's  that  when  your  heart 's  in  the  right  place  ?  High- 
way robbery,  bigamy,  subordination  (we  think  it 's  called)  of  perjury, 
training  gangs  of  thieves,  and  all  that,  is  very  wrong,  no  doubt,  but  we 
quite  agree  with  Mr.  Combe  that  one  may  do  all  that  and  more,  and 
yet  be  '  a  good  sort  of  fellow.'  So  in  Lucy's  name  and  mine  (for  we 
are  above  all  low  jealousies  now),  we  thank  Mr.  Combe,  and  will  thank 
you,  Mr.  Punch,  to  tell  him  so.  The  Captain  is  out  on  a  little  business, 
being  now  on  the  Stock  Exchange,  or  would  join  us  in  compliments. 
"  Yours,  very  affectionately, 

"  BelgraviaP  "  Polly  Macheath  (nee  Peacham)." 


Military  Journals  are  Requested  to  Copy  this  Contradiction. 

We  are  authorised  by  an  intimate  friend  and  sincere  admirer  of  the 
Earl  of  Cardigan  to  give  the  most  positive  contradiction  to  the 
rumour  that,  fading  Garibaldi,  the  command  of  the  Federal  forces 
was  to  be  offered  to  his  noble  Lordship.  The  Earl  cannot  imagine  why 
they  connected  him  with  Bull's  Run. 


"UNDER  WHICH  MAYOR,  BEZONIAN  j  SPEAK  OR  DIE  ?  " 

Writing  slightly  before  the  event  of  the  struggle  for  the  Mayoralty 
in  the  Exhibition  year,  but  wishing  to  stand  excessively  well  with  the 
Lord  Mayor  for'that  year,  Mr.  Punch  begs  to  state,  and  he  finds  that 
he  is  but  repeating  the  sentiments  of  most  of  his  contemporaries,  that 
while  he  cannot  conceive  how  there  can  be  the  slightest  doubt  as  to  the 
propriety  of  re-electing  Ctjbitt,  who  is  &c.,  &c,  &c,  he  is  utterly 
at  a  loss  to  perceive  a  single  valid  argument  for  not  electing  Sir  H. 

MlIGGERIDGE,  who  is  &C  &C  &C 

P.S.  Since  writing  the  above,  he  observes  that  _   has 

been  chosen.    Of  course.    It  woidd  have  been  an  insult  to  the  City  to 
have  done  otherwise.    He  heartily  and  cordially  rejoices. 

P.P.S.  The  blank  shall  be  filled  up  when  he  really  knows  the  fact. 


ABOLITION   OF   THE   PAPER   DUTY. 


NOTICE. 

In  consequence  of  the  Abolition  of  the  Paper  Duty, 
MR.  PUNCH 

Hereby  gives  Notice  that  he  will 

REDUCE 

Any  person  tvho  offends  him  to  as  much  impalpable  powder  as  will  lie  upon 

ONE      FARTHING, 

And  relieve  his  friends  of  one  bore 

FOR     THE    FUTURE. 


Printed  by  William  Bradbury,  of  No.  13,  Upper  Woburn  Place,  and  Freuerick  Mullett  Evans,  of  No.  19,  Queen's  Road  West,  Regent's  'Park,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Pancras,  in  the  County  of  Middlesex, 
Printers,  at  their  Office  in  Lombard  Street,  in  the  Precinct  of  Whitefnars,  in  the  Citv  of  London,  and  Published  by  them  at  No.  85,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  Uty  of  London.— 
Saturday,  October  5,  1SS1. 


THE 


This  day  is  Published,  in  Three  Vols.,  Post  8vo,  Price  31s.  6d., 

SILVER         CORD. 


BY  SHIRLEY  BROOKS,  AUTHOR  OF  «  THE  GORDIAN  KNOT,"  "  ASPEN  COURT,"  &c. 

"A  very  curious  and  powerful  story." — Athenaeum.1  I   watching  for  something  even  more  startling  than  all  that  has  gone  before." — Saturday 

"  There  is  a  wealth  of  materials  in  it  that  is  quite  surprising.    Almost  every  chapter       Review. 
has  it«  own  striking-  situation  allotted  to  it  aid  we  are  constantly  kept  on  the  alort.    |    •"■">  [London  :  Bradbury  ft  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street.  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


COMPLETION  OP 

THE    ENGLISH    CYCLOPAEDIA, 

CONDUCTED   BY  CHAELES  KNIGHT. 

In  Four  Divisions ;  each  Complete  in  itself — 


EACH   DIVISION   OF   THE   ENGLISH   CYCLOPAEDIA  IS   SOLD   AS 

A  SEPARATE  WORK. 

GEOGRAPHY,  4  Vols.,  £2    2    0  or  2  Vols.,  half  morocco,  £2  10  0 

BIOGRAPHY.  6  Vols.,     3    0    0       3  Vols.,  ,,  3  12  0 

NATURAL  HISTORY,         4  Vols.,     2    2    0       2  Vols.,  „  2  10  0 

ARTS  AND   SCIENCES,    8  Vols.,    4  16    0       4  Vols.,  „  5  12  0 

Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


PUNCH,  OE  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI,  October  12,  1861. 


On  Oetoberthe  With  will  be  Published  in  3  Volumes, 
down  8vo,  Cloth,  Price  31«.  ad. 

rfOM  BROWN  AT  OXFORD. 

-=■  Reprinted  front 

"MACMILLAN'S  MAGAZINE." 

By  the  Author  of 

"  TOM  BROWN'S  SCHOOL  DATS." 

Loudon  and  Cambridge:  Macmillan  &  Co. 

*THE    QTJEEN-AN     ILLU8~- 

&    TRATED  JOURNAL  AND  REVIEW, 
bd.  Weekly. 

"The  Queen"  is  the  earliest  and  most  accurate 
chronicler  of  La  Mode.  At  all  booksellers,  and  post 
free  for  6  stamps  from  the  Office,  £48  Strand,  W.U. 

E EDUCTION  IN  PBICEOF 
THE  ATHENiEUM,  The  Proprietors, 
taking  advantage  of  the  Abolition  of  the  Paper 
Duty,  have  resolved  that  on  and  after  the  5ib  of 
October,  the  Price  shall  be  REDUCED  to  THREE- 
PENCE. 

fHE    CQRNHILL    MAGA- 
*  ZINE. 

ONE  SHILLING  MONTHLY.  lUusti  ated. 
Smith,  Eibee,  &  Co.,  65,  Cornbill. 

THEATRE       ROYAL, 

A  LYCEUM. 

Grand  Extra  Night. 

TITIENS   AND  GIUGLINI  one  Night  only, 

Saturday,  October  19th. 

"  II  Trovatore,"  with  the  following  powerful  cast, 

MdLLFS   TlTIENS — CABAnoilt,   SlGr*OK  1?EREI 

(1st  appearance  in  London), 

Bossi,  and  Giugi.ini. 

Conductor,  Signor  Ahditi. 

Pull  particulars  will  be  forthwith  announced. 


\f  GENTLEMEN  {complete. 

tfLADIISifcSBEw. 
OPP0SITE/PMFHE0II 

OXFORD- STREET. 


PLAYING     CARDS.-  ALL 

Jfc  tho  new  Patterns  of  the  present  Season 
by  the  Best  Makers,  at  \s.(uf„  is.  9(7.,  2*.,  2s.  3d., 
2s.  6d.,  2s.  9d.,  3s.,  3s.  3d.,  3*.  6d„  3s.  9rf.,  4s.,  and 
4s.  fid,  per  pack,  by  post  on  receipt  of  stamps,  with. 
2d.  extra  for  postage. 
London  :  J.  Gilbert,  IS,  Graeecliurcli  Street,  E.C, 


ROWLANDS*  MACASSAR  OIL,  for  promoting 
the  Growth,  Restoring  and  Beautifying  the  Human 
Hair. 

ROWLANDS'  KALYDOR  for  Improving  and 
Beautifying  the  Complexion  and  Skin,  and  Eradi- 
cating Cutaneous  defects. 

ROWLANDS'  ODONTO,  or  Pearl  Dentifrice,  for 
the  Teeth,  Gums,  and  Breath. 

Sold  at  20,  Hatton  Garden,  and  by  Chemists  and 
Perfumers. 


HARVEY'S  FISH  SAUCE- 
Notice  of  Injunction. — The  admirers 
of  this  celebrated  Fish  Sauce  are  particularly  re- 
quested to  observe  that  none  is  genuine  but  that 
which  bears  the  back  label  with  the  name  of  Wil- 
liam Lazemiy,  as  well  as  the  front  label  signed 
"  Elizabeth  Lazenby,"  and  that  for  further  security, 
on  the  neck  of  every  bottle  of  the  Genuine  Sauce 
will  henceforward  appear  an  additional  label,  printed 
in  green  and  red,  as  follows :— "This  notice  will  be 
affixed  to  Lazeub/s  Harvey's  Sauce,  prepared  at 
theoriginal  warehouse,  in  addition  to  the  well  known 
labels,  which  are  protected  against  imitation  by  a 
perpetual  injunction  in  Chancery  of  9th  July,  1858." 
6,  Edwards  Street,  Portman  Square,  London,  W. 


BULL  EVENIXGS  MADE 
MERRY.  — Bagatelle  Boards  of  the 
finest  manufacture  from  31s. (id.  complete.  Descrip- 
tive Catalogue  of  parlour  games  free  on  application. 
Asser  &  SiiERwiN,  81,  Strand,  London. 

TUXXTRIANT     WHISKERS, 

'^"  Moustaches,  and  Eyebrows,  produced 
in  a  few  weeks  by  the  use  of  ELLIOTT'S  TOXIC 
LOTION,  the  stimulative  properties  of  which  are 
unfailing  in  its  operation.  Thomas  Elliott  invites  a 
trial  from  the  most  sceptical,  that  they  may  be  con- 
vinced of  its  infallible  power.  Price  3s.  6r/.,  6s.  M., 
10s.  6d.,  and  21s.  Forwarded  on  receipt  of  postage 
stamps.  Thomas  Elliott,  Hair  Grower  (first floor), 
51,  l'enchureh  Street,  E.C.    T.  E.'s  Wigs,  3us. 


CHARLES    EEADE'S    NEW   HOTEL,    "THE    CLOISTER  AND 

THE  HEARTH," 

A  MATTER  OF  FACT  ROMANCE,  by  the  Author  of  "It's  Never  Too  Late  to  Mend," 

is  now  ready,  and  to  be  had  at  all  respectable  libraries.     4  Vols.     Price  £1  lis.  6d. 

TRUBNER  &  Co  ,  Paternoster  Row. 


NO  MORE  PILLS  OR  OTHER  MEDICINES  EOR  OLD  OR  YOUNG. 

"  We  find  the  safest  remedy  in  DU  BARRY'S  delicious  health-restoring 


For  Habitual  Constipation,  Dyspepsia  (Indigestion).  Palpitation,  Acidity,  Flatulency,  Phlegm, 
Nausea,  Consumption,  Coughs,  Colds,  Asthma.  Bronchitis,  Hemorrhoids,  Nervousness,  Bilious- 
ness, Torpidity  of  the  Liver,  Low  Spirits,  Irritability,  Sleeplessness,  Noises  in  Head  or  Ears, 
Debility,  &c."— Andrew  Ore,  M.D.,  F.R.S.  ;  Dr.  Harvey,  Dr.  Shoiland,  Dr.  Campbell. 

Dr.  Wurzer's  Testimonial: — "  Du  Barry's  Food  is  particularly  effective  in  curing  dyspepsia 
(indigestion),  habitual  constipation,  as  also  diarrhoea,  bowel  and  liver  complaints,  affections  of 
the  kidneys,  bladder,  and  of  the  urethra  and  hemorrhoids,  also  in  cough,  asthma,  debility,  and 
pulmonary  and  bronchial  consumption." — Dr.  Rud.  Wurzer,  Prof,  of  Medicine  and. Practical  M.D. 

We  extract  a  few  out  of  many  thousand  cures: — Cure,  No.  1,771.  Lord  Stuart  de  Deeies,  of 
many  years'  dyspepsia. — No.  49,832.  "  Fifty  years'  indescribable  agony  from  dyspepsia,  nerv- 
ousness, asthma,  cough,  constipation,  flatulency,  spasms,  sickness,  and  vomiting.  Maria  Joly, 
of  Lynn,  Norfolk." — Cure,  No.  5S.S16.  Field-Marshal  the  Duke  of  Pluskow,  of  dyspepsia,  con- 
stipation, nervousness,  and  liver  complaints. — Cure,  No.  47,121.  Miss  Elizabeth  Jacobs,  Nazing 
Vicarage,  Waltham  Cross,  Herts,  of  extreme  nervousness,  indigestion,  gatherings,  low  spirits, 
and  nervous  fancies. — Cure,  No.  54,81(!.  The  Rev.  James  T.  Campbell,  Syderstone  Rectory,  near 
Fakenham,  Norfolk,  "  of  indigestion  and  torpidity  of  the  liver,  which  had  resisted  all  medical 
treatment ;  inquiries  will  be  cheerfully  answered." 

Less  expensive  and  far  more  strengthening  than  Tea,  Coffee,  Cocoa,  and  Cod  Liver  Oil,  this 
delicious  food  saves  all  Doctors'  and  Apothecary's  Bills,  and  50  times  its  cost  in  other  remedies. 

Packed  in  tins,  1  lb.,  2s.  9d.  ;  2  lb.,  4s.  <M.  ;  o  lb.,  lis.  ;  121b.,  22s.  ;  24  lb.,  free  of  carriage,  40s. 
Super  refined  quality,  10  lb.,  33s. — Barry  Du  Barry  &  Co.,  No.  77,  Regent  Street,  London;  also 
Fortnom,  Mason  &  Co.;  and  at  60,  Gracechurch  Street;  4,  Cheapside ;  03  and  150,  Oxford 
Street ;  229,  330,  430,  and  451,  Strand;  and  through  all  respectable  Grocers  and  Chemists. 


B.  JOSEPH  &  Co.'s 

BOYS'   CLOTHING   AMD 

WT 

150,  REGENT  STREET, 
IS  THE  ONLY  HOUSE  OF  THE  KIND  IN  LONDON 
Where  Ladies  and  Gentlemen  may  suit  their  Chit  Iron 
with  every  article  of  chess  in  the  most  reclicrche  style,  and 
at  economical  prices. 

THE  KNICKERBOCKER   JACKET   SUIT, 

In  Drill,  12s.  6d. 

THE  KNICKERBOCKER  JACKET   SUIT, 

In  Tweeds,  from  14s.  6d.  to  24s. 

THE    KNICKERBOCKER     TUNIS    SUIT, 

In  Drill,  10s.  Hd. 

THE    KNICKERBOCKER    TUNIC    SUIT, 
In  Tweeds,  from  12s.  Qd.  to  21s. 
TO    BE    HAD    ONLY    AT 

B.  JOSEPH  &  Co.'s,  150,  Regent  Street,  London ; 

B.  JOSEPH  &  Co.'s,  78,  Grey  Street,  Newcastle-on-Tyae ; 

B.  JOSEPH  &  Co.'s,  92  and  93,  Queen  Street,  Portsea. 

COUNTRY  ORDERS  MOST  PUNCTUALLY  ATTENDED  TO. 

UNITED    STATES    OF   AME&iCA. 


KINGSFORD'S 


PARIS  IN  TWELVE  HOURS 

*  and  a  HALF,  vid  Dieppe,  by  the  new 
DAILY  TIDAL  SERVICE,  with  Special  Express 
Tidal  Trains  both  on  the  English  and  French  Rail- 
ways. 20s.  Second  Class,  28s.  First  Class.  Return 
Tickets  issued.  Two  departures  daily  (except 
Sundays)  —  For  hours  of  departure,  from  London 
Bridge  and  Victoria,  see  the  "  Times"  daily. 

FAMILY  TICKETS  TO  HAS- 

A  TINGS,  ST.  LEONARDS,  and  EAST- 
BOURNE for  one  or  more  persons,  available  for 
ONE  MONTH,  or  for  extended  periods  from  Vic- 
toria, London  Bridge,  and  Norwood  Junction 
Stations.at  REDUCED  FARES,  by  the  BRIGHTON 
and  SOUTH  COAST  LINE,  on  application  at  the 
Booking  Offices  at  the  above  Stations,  or  at  43, 
Regent  Circus,  Piccadilly.  Fares  there  and  back: 
To  Hastings  and  St.  Leonards,  First  Class,  by 
Express  Trains,  25s. ;  by  Ordinary  Trains,  21s.; 
Second  Class  by  Express,  20s.;  by  Ordinary,  16s. 
To  Eastbourne  by  both  Ordinary  and  Express  Trains, 
First  Class,  20s. ;  Second  Class,  14s. 

FAMILY  TICKETS  TO  THE 

A  WATERING  PLACES  on  the  SOUTH 
COAST  are  now  issued  by  the  LONDON, 
BRIGHTON,  and  SOUTH  COAST  RAILWAY,  to 
families  of  four  persons  and  upwards,  for  one  mouth 
or  extended  periods.  This  arrangement  comprises 
Brighton,  Portsmouth,  Ryde,  Isle  of  Wight,  Worth- 
ing, Bognor,  &c.  See  Time  Tables.  For  Hastings, 
St.  Leonards,  and  Eastbourne,  see  separate  adver- 
tisement. Tickets  and  full  particulars  can  be 
obtained  at  the  Victoria,  London  Bridge,  and  Nor- 
wood Junction  Stations;  or  at  the  Company's  offices, 
43,  Regent  Circus,  Piccadilly. 


For  Puddings,  Custards,  Blanc  Mange,  &c. 
IS  THE  ORIGINAL  ARTICLE— ESTABLISHED  1849. 

The  Oswego  lias  a  Delicacy  and  Purity  not  possessed  by  any  of  the  English 

Imitations. 
Sgif  Give  it  one  trial,  so  as  to  know  what  the  genuine  American  article  is. 


"■  Perfection  of  Mechanism."-— Morning  Post. 
GOLD  5  to  100  Gs. :    SILVER  2  to  50  Gs. 

Send  Two  Stamps  for  Benson's  Illustrated  Pamphlet,  descriptive  of 
every  construction  of  Watch  now  made,  with  their  prices. 

Watches  sent  to  all  parts  of  the  Kingdom  free  by 
Post,  or  to  India  and  the  Colonies  fcr  5s.  extra. 

S3  &  34,  Ludgate  Hill,  and  46  &  47,  Cornhill,  London,  E.C. 
Established  1749. 


"POR   GEr?TLEMEN.-THE   HEW   GOODS   EOR  THE  PRESENT 

«■  and  Approaching  Season  are  now  ready,  in  all  the  new  and  various  makes  and  materials  for 
Over-coats,  Trousers,  and  Waistcoats.  Several  new  styles  of  Over-coats  kept  ready  for  inspection. 
An  early  visit  respectfully  solicited. 

EXCELLENCE  WITH  ECONOMY. 

GEORGE   HOBSON,    57,  Lombard  Street. 


■ALVERST    LANDSCAPE 


GLASSES. 
'  Best  Binocular  Telescope  yet  invented."- 


-Bell's 


Life. 

"  Most  compact,  accurate,  and  powerful." — Field. 

"  We  can  speak  well  of  its  powers.'' — Athenaeum. 

"'  A  beautifully    finished   Binocular."— Volunteer 
Service  Gazette. 

Price  34  and  G  Guineas,  on  receipt  of  money  orders. 
W.  &  J.  Burrow,  Great  Malvern. 

T  0ND0N  AND  RYDER,  late 

&4  Hancock,  Goldsmiths  aud  Jewellers, 
17,  New  Bond  Street,  respectfully  invite  the  notice 
of  the  nobility,  &c,  to  their  New  Stock  of  Elejrant 
Jewellery.  Every  article  in  the  best  possible  taste, 
and  at  moderate  prices.  A  variety  of  novelties  spe- 
cially adapted  for  Wedding  Souvenirs.  Diamonds 
rearranged,  &c.  17.  New  Bond  Street,  corner  of 
Clifford  Street.    Established  30  Years. 

AND    ARCH- 

ERY  PRIZES.— BURROWS  LAND- 
SCAPE GLASSES  are  the  most  popular. 
W.  &  J.  Bobbow,  Malvern. 


SIMPSON  &  Co., 

Whip  Mamufactubebs, 
314,  Oxford  Street,  London. 
Agents.— All  Saddlers  in  every  Country  Town. 
A  large  assortment  of  rhe  following  GOODS  always 
in  stock:— Spurs,  dog  chains,  couples  and  collars, 
greyhound  slips,  whittles,  ferret  bells,  dog  bells  and 
muzzles,  drinking  flasks,  Sandwich  cases,  hunting 
and  post  horns,  tourist  kegs,  birdcalls,  &c.  &c. 

MR.  MARKWELL,  WINE 
Merchaut  to  Her  Majesty,  Nos.  35  to 
40,  and  45,  Albemarle  Street,  and  4,  Stafford  Street, 
Piccadilly,  London,  W.  Naval  and  Military  Messes 
supplied.  Receipts  for,  and  Compounds  oi',  Ameri- 
can Drinks.  The  still  and  sparkling  Catawba.  The 
Californian  Champagne,  54s.  per  dozen.  Red  and 
white  Hungarian  Wines,  30s.  and  upwards  per  doz. 
The  celebrated  aromatic  Seheidam  Schnapps, 
Stoughton  &  Sickles'  Bitters.  Bourbon,  Mononga- 
hela.and  Old  Dominion  Whiskies. 

BRICHARD'S  DANDELION, 

A      CHAMOMILE,      RHUBARB,    AND 
GINGER  PILLS  are  unequalled  in  Great  Britain 
for  the  cure  of  Indigestion  and  all  Bilious  Disorders. 
In  bottles,  Is.  lid.,  2s.  9d,,  Is.  ud  ,  and  1  Is. 
Address,  f>5,  Charms  Cross. 

qHRJTNK  FLANNEL  SHIRTS 

«?  Newest  Designs  (to  Order)  from  Ss.  6ck 
A  Sample  Shirt  of  any  description  made  for  ap- 
proval. Collars,  best  quality,  10s.  6d.  per  dozen. 
E.  I.  Eawkes  (10  years  with  Capper  &  Co.), 
Manufactory,  82,  Gt.  College  Street,  Camden  Town. 
Established  1S52.    Terms  Cash.     Patterns  Post  free. 

fiOALS.-BEST  COALS  ONLY. 

V  — COOKERELL  &  Co's  price  is  uow  25s. 
per  Ton  cash  for  the  BEST  SCREENED  COALS 
as  supplied  by  them  to  Her  Majesty.  13,  Cor-ihUi; 
Purfleet  Wharf,  Earl  Street,  BlacUfriars,  E.G.; 
Eaton  Wharf,  Grosvenor  Canal,  Piuilico,  S.W. ; 
and  Sunderland  Wharf,  Peckham,  S.E. 


October  12,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


143 


Old  Gent.  "  Do  you  know  what  a  Lie  is,  Sir  ? " 
Little  Bot.  "  Oh,  don't  L,  jest;  I  tells  lots  of 'cm." 


SPIRITUAL  BOXIANA. 

With  serious  interest  we  see  advertised  a — 

Vf  EW  RELIGIOUS  PUBLICATION,  2d.  Monthly.— No.  1, 
1~  for  October,  32  pages,  in  Illustrated  "Wrapper,  the  CHRISTIAN'S 
BREAD-BASKET,  a  magazine  for  family  reading. 

The  Bread-Basket  of  a  Christian — our  contemporary 
Bell's  Life  will  correct  us  if  we  are  wrong — is,  in  the  fistic 
tongue,  that  part  of  him,  ladies,  in  anatomical  language, 
named  the  epigastrium,  or  pit  of  the  stomach.  The 
Christian's  Bread-Basket  is  indicated  by  its  truly  fanciful 
title  to  be  an  organ  of  muscular  Christianity  as  cultivated 
by  Professors  of  Evangelical  principles,  and  the  Noble  Art 
of  Self-Defence.  This  idea  of  that  new  religious  publication 
will  appear  to  be  confirmed  by  the  designation  of  one  of 
the  articles  in  the  table  of  its  contents  as,  "Your  Babe, 
How  Will  You  Train  It  ?  "  We  look  for  future  announce- 
ments of  edifying  papers  under  similar  heads,  as  "The 
Good  Bight,"  "  Grist  to  the  Mill,"  "  The  Judicious  Bottle- 
holder,"  "The  Baithful  Second,"  "Time!"  "Believers 
Up  to.  the  Scratch,"  "  Are  You  All  Bight  ? "  and  so  forth. 
The  title  of  any  successful  periodical  is  sure  to  be  imi- 
tated ;  therefore,  if  the  Christian's  Bread-Basket  should 
be  found  to  answer,  its  appearance  no  doubt  will  soon  be 
followed  by  that  of  the  Christian's  Potato-Trap. 

The  proprietors  of  that  evidently  pious  and  as  evidently 
pugilistic  periodical  so  happily  named  the  Christian's 
Bread-Basket,  should  send  a  liberal  lot  of  copies  of  it  to 
Mr.  Thomas  Sayeiis,  in  order  that  the'  ex-Champion,  as 
a  Teacher,  may  distribute  them  among  his  juvenile  dis- 
ciples. The  Christian's  Bread-Basket  may  be  conjectured 
to  contain  the  sort  of  spiritual  grub  that  is  just  the  thing 
to  suit  the  digestion  of  any  serious  youth  who  may  be 
engaged  in  profiting  by  Mb.  Sayers's  lessons  ;  particularly 
with  a  view  to  the  prize  of  his  peculiar  calling. 


"  Le  Commencement  de   la  Faim." 

The  appearance  of  Mons.  Dupin  as  a  Protectionist  is 
certainly  very  curious.  Free  Trade  in  England  was  a 
question  of  cheap  bread,  and  Brotection  was  ultimately 
compelled  to  yield  to  it.  In  spite  of  all  the  opposition,  it 
may  be  the  same  with  Protection  in  Brance,  if  the  lower 
classes  once  began  in  anger  to  raise  the  cry  of  "  Du-p(a)in." 


A    NATIONAL    DEFENDER. 

"I  say,  Punch,  old  chap,  I  wish  you'd  just  pitch  into  that  'G.  U.,' 
who  has  been  writing  to  the  Times,  and  saying  that  we  English  don't 
know  how  to  dress,  and  that  when  we  go  abroad  we  wear  our  seediest 
clothes,  and  walk  about  in  rusty  wideawakes  and  unpolished  boots. 
What  if  we  do,  I'd  like  to  know  ?  Just  as  if  a  freeborn  Briton  hadn't 
a  clear  right  to  dress  exactly  as  he  pleased,  and  do  precisely  what  he 
liked,  wherever  he  might  be.  So  long  as  I  can  pay  my  shot,  I  reckon 
I  shall  always  be  welcome  on  the  Continent  ;  and  as  for  Brenchmen 
turning  up  their  noses  at  my  'blackguardly'  appearance,  as  '  G.  U.' 
says  they  do,  I  can  only  say  that  I  should  like  to  catch  them  at  it,  but 
I  never  did  so  yet,  and  don't  expect  to  do.  They  are  precious  glad  to 
see  me,  in  whatever  togs  I  come  to  them  ■  and  though  behind  my  back, 
maybe,  they  call  me  '  one  grand  beast,'  they  are  always  vastly  civil  to 
my  face,  and  take  good  care  not  to  laugh  at  me  while  I'm  within 
hearing. 

"  If  this  '  G.  TJ-'  be  believed,  our  barristers  and  doctors,  and  college 
chaps,  and  merchant  princes  annually  '  disguise '  themselves  as  cab- 
drivers  and  'bus  cads,  and  disgust  their  swell  French  friends  by  walking 
with  them  without  gloves,  and  staring  at  shop -windows  like  a  lot  of 
country  bumpkins,  and  deporting  themselves  generally  less  like  edu- 
cated gentlemen  than  uncivilised  Gorillas.  '  Vulgar-looking  objects,' 
'G.  U.'  has  the  cheek  to  callus,  and  says  that  at  the  theatres  our 
'  disregard  of  decency '  is  really  still  more  glaring  than  in  the  public 
streets.  And  then,  by  way  of  contrast,  he  tells  us  that  when  French- 
men come  to  London,  there  is  nothing  vulgar  or  shabby  in  their 
appearance,  and  they  pay  us  the  respect  of  '  dressing  even  better  than 
they  do  at  home.5  Well,  judging  by  the  specimens  I  've  seen  near 
Leicester  Square,  there  must  be  precious  scarecrows  somewhere  about 
Paris,  if  worse  clothes  are  there  in  wearing  than  those  which  we  see 
here. 

"The  fact  is,  Mr.  Punch,  I  believe  that  Mister  'G.  U.'s '  real  name 
is  Jehu ;  and  as,  I  think,  he  drives  a  cab,  he  has  a  fondness  for  all 
foreigners,  for  they  know  nothing  about  distances,  and  are  generally 
chargeable  at  half-a-crown  a  mile.  So  he  gives  them  this  soft  soap  in 
the  hope  of  tempting  more  of  them  to  London,  where  he  will  no  doubt 


be  always  glad  to  see  them,  and  take  them  to  as  many  sights  and  places 
as  he  can.  But  as  for  foreign-going  Britons  being  biassed  by  his 
blarney,  pray  don't  let  him  lay  that  flattering  unction  to  his  _  soul.. 
When  on  a  tour  an  Englishman  always  does  his  best  to  make  himself 
at  home,  and  to  enjoy  himself  as  much  as  it  is  possible  to  do.  There  is 
no  mistaking  his  insular  deportment ;  and,  though  some  may  think  it 
insolent,  that 's  a  matter  of  opinion,  and  John  Bull  on  a  tour  don't 
care  a  jot  what  people  think  of  him.  Some  perhaps  may  stare  to  see 
him  stalk  along  in  the  middle  of  the  streets,  and  stare  up  at  the  houses 
as  though  they  all  belonged  to  him,  and  he  were  come  over  to  inspect 
his  property.  Others  again  may  wonder  at  his  walking  about  a  church 
while  service  is  proceeding,  and  looking  at  the  pictures  as  though  they 
were  a  show,  and  uttering  his  comments  in  audible  stage  whispers, 
much  to  the  annoyance  of  those  who  are  at  prayers.  But  all  these 
little  eccentricities  foreigners  forgive  us,  because  we  have  long  purses, 
and  don't  mind  dipping  into  them.  And  so  long  as  they  are  pleased 
and  proud  to  see  us,  I  don't  see  why  a  'G.  U.'  needs  to  crack  his 
whip  at  us  ;  and  if  it  comes  to  talking  of  '  vulgar -looking  objects,'  why 
Englishmen  are  ever  so  much  handsomer  than  foreigners,  and  as  for 
English  women,  bless  them  !  Where  upon  the  Continent  can  we  look 
upon  then  like  ?  This  I  '11  say  and  stick  to,  in  spite  of  all  the  '  G.  U.s' 
and  Jehus  in  creation ;  as  sure  as  my  name  (p'rhaps  you  may  have 
heard  it  ? )  is 

"  John  Smith." 


The  Costume  of  Travelling  Englishmen. 

Poor  John  Bull  mustn't  be  blamed,  or  ridiculed,  if  he  does  109k  a 
little  shabby  and  eccentric  on  the  Boulevards  and  elsewhere,  as  it  is 
very  well  known  that  an  Englishman  always  puts  on  his  bad  habits  the 
moment  he  goes  abroad. 


NOT   THE   SLIGHTEST  MATERIAL  FOR       A  LEADER. 

Why  is  the  King  of  Naples  like  a  leading-article  writer  at  this 
particular  period  of  the  year  ? 
Because  he  must  feel  himself  dreadfully  at  a  loss  for  subjects. 


VOL.  XLI. 


144 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[October  12,  1861. 


TOO    TRUE!" 

In  the  above  disgraceful  garb  (actually  Light  Tweed,  Mauve  Flannel  Shirt,  No  Waist- 
coat, and  a  White  Billycock  Sat .')  (.1.  U.  meets  Ms  Friend  Jack  Loostring  walking  on 
a  blazing  summer  day  in  the  Boulevards,  Paris.  — Can  ice  wonder  that  lie  discards 
Jack  there  and  for  ever,  and  relieves  his  anguish  of  mind  in  a  Letter  to  the  "  Times  "? 


FASHIONABLE  INTELLIGENCE. 

We  doubt  if  the  following  is  likely  to  be  found,  under 
the  head  of  "  Fashionable  Intelligence,"  in  the  Morning 
Post .•— "  On  Thursday  last,  Frances  Anne,  Dowager 
Marchioness  of  Londonderry,  gave  her  annual  diner  cham- 
petre  at  Camlough,  in  Ireland.  Invitations  were  sent  out 
to  the  number  oi  300,  and  full  as  many  must  have  attended. 
We  are  sorry  we  can  give  none  of  the  gentlemen's  names, 
as  they  were  mostly  colliers,  and  all  of  them,  moreover, 
were  her  Ladyship's  tenants,  and  as  such  we  doubt  if  they 
would  be  interesting,  much  less  known  to  any  of  our  fair 
readers.  They  were  mostly  distinguished  by  extreme 
i  lainness  of  attire ;  whilst  a  plentiful  absence  of  gloves  as 
well  as  jewellery,  only  relieved  occasionally  by  a  gaudy 
waistcoat,  in  the  very  worst  taste,  generally  prevailed.  We 
must  admit,  however,  that  clean  shirts  predominated,  and 
from  the  brightness  of  their  happy  faces,  no  one  would 
have  suspected  what  was  then  usual  calling.  The  company 
sat  down  to  table  at  the  primitive  hour  of  two  o'clock ;  but 
in  spite  of  that,  every  one  seemed  to  make  a  capital  dinner. 
The  repast  was  plain  and  substantial,  and  what  it  may 
have  wanted  in  quality,  was  certainly  made  up  in  quantity. 
However,  as  it  was  of  a  nature  that  Me.  Gtjnter  would 
not  have  prided  himself  in  having-  -sent  out,  Ave  must  be 
pardoned  laying  before  our  readers  the  particulars  of  the 
carte.  As  soon  as  dinner  was  over— we  were  going  to  say, 
as  soon  as  the  table-cloth  was  removed,  only  there'  was  no 
tablecloth  used  on  the  occasion— her  Ladyship  delivered 
a  speech,  so  very  different  to  anything  we  are  in  the  habit 
of  printing,  that  we  are  sure  we  shall  be  excused  occupy- 
ing our  columns  with  a  word  of  it.  It  was  curiously  free 
from  compliments,  or  any  elegant  tour  mire  of  well-bred 
persiflage,  or  any  of  those  nicely-worded  drawing-room 
fadaises,  that  mean  nothing,  and  yet  are  so  acceptable 
to  the  educated  car.  On  the  contrary,  it  was  only  to  be 
commended  for  its  gentle  wisdom  and  unaffected  tone  of 
kindly  admonition  and  earnest  exhortation.  However,  it 
seemed  to  go  to  the  hearts  of  the  guests,  who  gave  vent  to 
their  excited  feelings  by  cheering,  of  course,  in  the  noisiest 
manner  possible.  As  soon  as  they  were  tired  of  eating  and 
drinking,  the  company  went  home  hi  their  respective  carts 
and  wheelbarrows.    The  only  beverage  handed  was  beer." 

The  above  may  appear  a  highly  improper  entertainment 
for  a  lady  in  the  Marchioness  of  Londonderry's  station 
of  life  to  lend  herself  to,  but  we  confess  if  the  "Fashionable 
Intelligence  "  of  our  fastidious  contemporary  were  oftener 
lilled  with  such  reports,  we  should  take  much  greater 
pleasure  in  reading  them. 


REGIMENTAL  ASSASSINS. 

It  is  a  most  lamentable  necessity  in  the  nature  of  things  that  armies 
must  be  in  considerable  part  composed  of  men  of  moral  worth  and  intel- 
ligence. What  a  pity  it  is  that  brains  which  are  capable  of  reason,  and 
a  heart  animated  with  human  feeling,  should  be  uncler  the  obligation  of 
becoming  hable  to  be  blown  out  and  torn  to  pieces  by  creatures  who  are 
beasts  in  every  respect  but  that  of  possessing  two  hands,  and  having 
weapons  in  them  !  War  seems  to  be  a  sort  of  work  that  should,  by 
right,  constitute  the  severest  kind  of  hard  labour  to  which  criminal's 
could  possibly  be  condemned.  It  is  essentially  a  painful  and  disgusting 
employment,  wherein  nobody  can  deserve  to  b'e  involved  but  the  worst 
of  felons.  Military  service,  in  short,  ought  to  be  penal  servitude.  The 
forces  of  a_  nation  should  consist  of  its  rascalry  and  its  ruffianry.  These 
considerations  only  enhance  the  regard  which  all  who  feel  the  force  of 
them  must  entertain  for  the  heroes  whom  a  sense  of  duty  compels  to 
brave  death,  and  even  mutilation,  in  defence  of  their  country.  They 
are  the  confessors  and  martyrs  of  patriotism. 

There  are,  no  doubt,  numerous  unconvicted  British  scoundrels  who 
would  be  glad  to  fight  for  pay  and  plunder,  and  the  gratification  of 
their  innate  ferocity ;  and  these  take  to  fighting  as  a  trade,  engaging  as 
volunteers  in  a  quarrel  which  they  have  no  business  with.  The  Special 
Correspondent  of  the  Times,  in  a  letter  from  Washington,  makes  the 
following  allusion  to  villains  of  this  description  :— 

They  must  know,  also,  that  they  act  in  opposition  to  the  Queen's  proclamation 
m  accepting  service  on  either  side.  There  are,  however,  a  number  of  English  sub- 
jects engaged  as  officers  on  both  sides,  and  the  Irish  may  be  counted  by  myriads  (in 
its  proper  sense)  in  both  armies." 

In  any  rational  view  these  English  and  Irish  bravos  militant,  whether 
on  the  Federal  or  Confederate  side,  deserve  to  be  hanged  as  much  as 
anybody  can.  They  kill  for  hire  or  for  amusement,  and  if  such  killing 
is  not  murder,  what  is  ?  It  differs  only  from  common  murder  in  being- 
much  more  deliberate.     If  all  of  these  blackguards  who  may  be  taken 


prisoners  are  gibbeted,  they  will  be  the  right  men  in  the  right  places, 
if  the  tight  noose  of  a  halter  is  the  right  place  for  the  neck  of  any  man. 
In  battle,  a  man's  lower  jaw  is  sometimes  shot  away  without  killing 
him,  and,  thus  hideously  maimed,  he  drags  on  a  ghastly  existence  for 
many  years  of  misery.  Should  this  accident  happen  to  any  English  or 
Irish  mercenary,  occupied  in  the  commission  of  wilful  murder  on  behalf 
of  either  the  North  or  the  South,  who  will  pity  him  ?  A  "  gallant  lad," 
a  "  dashing  boy,"  exercising  his  venal  or  gratuitous  "gallantry"  and 
"  dash  "  in  unwarranted  bloodshed,  would  meet  with  a  merited  rebuke 
in  a  crack  of  the  chops  which  would  leave  him  permanently  chop-fallen. 
If  we  could  but  safely  constitute  the  British  army  out  of  such 
materials  as  the  fellows  who  are  now  murdering  the  Americans  and  one 
another  under  the  Stars  and  Stripes  and  the  Palmetto  Flag  respectively, 
how  happy  we  should  be  !  We  should  not  be  then  as  we  are  now,  com- 
pelled to  throw  away  valuable  lives  in  resisting  the  aggression  of  any 
surrounding  savages  who  may  be  hounded  upon  us  by  the  hope  of 
plunder  on  the  lust  of  glory. 


THE  FALL  OF  THE  APPLE. 


The  Manchester  folks  are  buying  up  all  the  apples,  so  that  we  are 
threatened  with  a  cider  famine.    It  seems — 

"  That  the  Manchester  calico-dyers  and  printers  have  discovered  that  apple  juices 
supply  a  desideratum  long  wanted  in  making  fast  colours  for  their  printed  cottons." 

This  is  not  the  first  time  in  the  history  of  the  world  that  the  apple 
has  been  the  fruit  of  mischief  or  discord,  or  that  a  question  of  momentous 
gravity  has  turned  upon  its  fall.  However,  we  are  very  sorry,  for;  apple 
juices  are  good  for  something  more  than  what  is  drily  stated  in  the 
above  paragraph ;  for  do  they  not  hi  warm  weather  supply,  also,  a 
"  de-ciaer-atum "  in  quenching  a  pedestrian's  thirst?  Since  they  are 
to  be  used  for  the  future  only  for  printing,  we  suppose  we  shall  find 
then  taste  and  quality  principally  displayed  in  Gros-ae-Napples  ! 


October  12,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


lio 


iEW    COURT    CIRCULAR    WANTED. 


espected  Punch, 

"  I  Wish  to  call  your 
notice  to  a  literary  want, 
which  I  think  it  is  your 
duty  as  a  loyal  British  sub- 
ject, and  one  haying'  un- 
doubtedly great  influence 
at  Court,  to  attend  to  with- 
out loss  of  time  and  get 
supplied.  The  meagre  de- 
tails which  are  furnished 
of  the  movements  of  our 
Sovereign  by  that  bald 
and  disappointing  publica- 
tion, the  Court  Circular, 
should  surely  be  expanded 
F.  by  some  competent  histo- 
rian, for  the  interest  and 
delight  of  persons  like  my- 
self, to  whom  the  slightest 
act  of  Royalty  seems  worthy 
to  be  chronicled  in  the  most 
durable  of  type.  Curiosity 
I  know  has  been  called  a 
vulgar  passion,  and  many 
people  think — or  at  least 
pretend  to  think  —  that 
although  the  press  may 
chronicle  the  movements  of  Her  Majesty  when  she  appears  in  public  state,  it- 
has  no  right  to  inquire  into  her  doings  when  in  private,  any  more  than  into  those 
of  any  other  private  lady  in  the  land.  Some  indeed  affect  to  view  it  as  the  height 
of  snobbism  if  one  betrays  a  wish  to  know  how  Royalty  employs  itself  in  its  leisure 
moments,  and  whether  it  eats  and  drinks  like  humanity  hi  general,  and  walks  and 
laughs  and  talks  in  the  usual  human  way.  But  I  think  such  curiosity  is  laudable 
and  loyal ;  and  I  am  not  to  be  deterred  from  endeavouring  to  gratify  it  by  any  sneers 
and  snarls  about  'impertinent  Paul-Pryism,'  or  hints  about  one's  hunting  royal 
persons,  and  watching  all  their  movements,  as  though  they  were  some  newly-dis- 
covered species  of  wild  beast. 

"  Now,  hungry  as  I  am  for  every  scrap  I  can  pick  up  about  the  movements 
of  the  Court,  only  see  with  what  scant  diet  the  Court  Circular  would  starve  me  :— 

"  Tbe  Queen  and  Prince  Consort,  accompanied  by  Princess  Alice  and  Prince  Louis  of  Hesse> 
went  out  driving  yesterday  afternoon,  and  walked  home  through  the  Balmoral  woods. 

"  Princess  Louise  rode  out  attended  by  Lady  Churchill. 

'•  Prince  Arthur  and  Prince  Leopold,  attended  by  Baron  Westerweller  and  Major  Elphin- 
stone,  drove  to  Loch  Bulig. 

"  There  was  no  addition  to  the  Royal  dinner-party." 

"  What  bald  and  meagre  details !  How  utterly  unsatisfying  to  one  who  like 
myself  would  wish  to  kuow  so  much  more  than  is  here  recorded.  Not  one  word  is 
said  as  to  how  Her  Majesty  and  family  were  dressed,  and  whether  they  looked 
well  and  seemed  in  tolerable  spirits.  Yet  to  loyal  subjects  surely  such  particulars 
are  interesting.  Perhaps  it  were  unreasonable  to  expect  that  a  reporter  should  be 
constantly  at  hand,  to  treasure  up  the  tit-bits  of  the  Royal  conversation.  But  I 
own  I  should  immensely  relish  such  a  record,  and  would  subscribe  to  any  paper 
that  would  undertake  to  furnish  it.  How  delightful  it  would  be  to  know  the  sweet 
soft  nothings  that  Prince  Louis  whispered  modestly  iu  the  ear  of  his  Princess, 
as  they  '  walked  home '  together  through  the  leafy  woods  !  Of  course  the  Queen 
and  the  Prince  Consort  discreetly  "walked  iu  front,  and  suffered  the  young 
couple  to  follow  at  their  leisure,  and  enjoy  the  opportunity  of  loitering  as  they 
pleased.  The  uninteresting  Court  Circular  says  not  a  word  on  this  point,  and  makes 
its  statement  in  the  most  prosaic  stupid  manner,  as  though  such  a  thing  as  love- 
making  were  quite  unknown  at  Court.  But  any  one  with  eyes  can  see  quite  clearly 
what  took  place,  and  it  is  cruel  to  deny  us  the  delight  of  such  i'ud  details  as  might 
have  been  supplied. 

"  On  another  day  my  loyal  cariosity  is  baulked  by  the  bald  bits  of  intelligence 
that— 

"  The  Prince  Consort  and  Prince  Louis  of  Hesse  went  out  deer-stalking. 
"  Her  Majesty's  dinner-party  included  a  number  of  grand  v^eople  and  the  Ladies  and  Gentle- 
men in  Waiting." 

"  What  did  the  Prince  Consort  kill  ?  That  is  the  first  question  that  I  palpi- 
tate to  know.  Was  his  Royal  Highness  successful  in  hisi  stalking,  and  when  he 
got  a  chance,  did  he  make  a  decent  shot  ?  As  our  country  is  becoming  now  a  laud 
of  practised  riflemen,  every  one  must  feel  an  interest  in  the  prowess  of  the  Prince, 
and  must  be  glad  to  know  that  he  is  a  sure  marksman  in  a  deer  forest,  and  that 
a  stag  when  aimed  at  by  him  will  be  venison  in  a  crack.  _  Then  again,  as  to  the 
dinner.  Was  there  anything  extraordinary  in  the  '  Ladies  and  Gentlemen  in 
Waiting'  being  present?  One  would  think  the  phrase  'in  Waiting'  meant  that 
they  attended  upon  Royalty  at  meal-time,  and  discharged  the  duties  which  are  usual 
to  waiterclom,  such  as  changing  plates  and  dishes,  and  bringing  fresh  clean  knives 
and  forks.  But  if  this  be  so,  why  was  their  presence  specially  recorded  ?  and  are 
we  to  imagine  that  when  they  are  not  mentioned,  other  waiters  do  their  work,  and 
they  are  having  '  a  day  out  ? ' 

'  Of  all  the  mortifying  scraps  and  atoms  of  Court  news,  the  following'  however  is, 
1  think,  the  most  disheartening.    After  a  few  meagre  words  anent  the  elder  royal 


personages,  and  how  a  recent  morning  had  been  wiled  away 
by  them,  I  find  it  said  with  brutal  brevity  that — 

"  The  Royal  Children  took  their  usual  out-door  exercise." 

"  Is  not  that,  Sir,  disappointing  ?  How  am  I  to  know 
what  the  Royal  Children  did  that  morning  with  their  royal 
selves  ?  In  common  I  dare  say  with  millions  of  your  loyal 
readers,  I  am  most  completely  in  the  dark  upon  the  point. 
Carefully  I  have  searched  through  two  whole  years  of  the 
Court  Circular,  and  can  find  no  scrap  of  statement  as  to 
what  this  '  usual  out-door  exercise '  may  be.  The  only 
way  indeed  by  which  I  can  arrive  at  any  guess  upon  the 
matter  is  by  looking  at  my  pocket-book  to  ascertain  the 
ages  of  the  Royal  Pamily,  and  then  assigning  such  a  pas- 
time as  seems  suitable  to  each.  But  whether  the  Prince 
Leopold  did  really  play  at  marbles  on  the  morning  I  refer 
to,  or  whether  he  amused  himself  with  castigation  of  a 
whipping-top  or  the  trundling  of  a  hoop,  is  a  question  which 
I  have,  alas !  no  data  to  decide.  Nor  can  I  determine  if 
his  elder  brother  Arthur  took  his  exercise  on  pony -back, 
or  in  playing  fly-the-garter  with  some  Gentleman  in  Waiting, 
or  in  having  a  game  of  hop-scotch,  because  he  was  in  Scot- 
land, or  in  getting  some  fat  nobleman  to  make  a  back  at 
leap-frog,  or  a  ball  or  two  at  cricket,  or  a  running  bout 
at  rounders,  or  a  turn  at  prisoner's  base.  The  Princess 
Helena  attends  the  royal  dinner-table  now,  and  must  there- 
fore not  be  classed  among  the  Royal  Children,  and  the 
Princess  Louisa  is  in  her  fourteenth  year,  and  so  no 
doubt  is  too  sedate  for  things  so  juvenile  as  skipping-ropes. 
But  the  little  Princess  Beatrice  is  still — bless  her ! — in 
her  doll-age,  and  I  can  picture  her  quite  prettily  at  her 
'  usual  out-door  exercise '  of  walking  out  as  nurse-maid  with 
her  dolly  in  her  arms  ;  though  whether  dolly  is  of  wood  or 
wax,  and  has  blue  eyes,  black,  or  brown,  and  whether  she 
be  able  to  wink  those  visual  organs,  I  regret  that  I  can  do 
no  more  than  give  a  feeble  guess,  and  dolls  are  now  so 
various  that  my  guess,  there  is  great  reason  to  fear,  would 
prove  a  wrong  one. 

"  Such  particulars  as  these  the  Court  Circular  should 
furnish,  to  satisfy  minds  loyally  inquiring  like  my  own. 
And  now  that  a  new  newspaper  is  started  every  week,  I 
trust  if  the  Court  Circular  neglects  to  do  its  work,  a  new 
one  wdl  be  set  up  forthwith  in  opposition.  Promising 
my  support  to  so  promising  a  spec, 

"  I  remain,  Sir,  yours  obediently, 

"A  Lover  of  Small  Beer." 
"  Paul  Try  Place,  Tuesday." 


SPECIMEN  OE  AN  AUSTRIAN  TELEGRAM. 

One  morning  last  week  an  Austrian  telegram  announced 
the  Pact  that,  on  board  an  English  vessel,  the  Austrian 
Government  had  seized  Seventy  Boxes,  containing  3000 
rifles,  intended,  of  course  to  be  used  by  those  who  object 
to  the  paternal  arrangements  of  the  House  of  Hapsburg. 

The  same  evening  the  Austrian  telegram  was  slightly 
corrected  by  an  accurate  statement  of  the  case,  which  was 
that  One  Box,  containing  some  rifles,  had  been  placed  on 
board  an  English  vessel,  by,  a  mistake  which  was  at  once 
detected  and  rectified. 

We  earnestly  hope  that  at  the  coming  International 
Exhibition,  Austria  will  contribute  to  the  Philosophical 
Instrument  department  a  specimen  of  the  wonderful  mul- 
tiplying spectacles  furnished  to  her  officials.  There  will 
be  nothing  else  so  miraculous  unless  Mu.  Samuel  Weller 
should  contribute  his  hypothetical  ten  million  magnifying 
microscope  of  hextra  power. 


Negroes  in  Africa  and  ia  ] 

:  The  Negro   (says  a  writer  in  the 


!arop« 


.  Cornliill)  invents 
nothing,  originates  nothing,  improves  nothing."  The  same 
can  pretty  nearly  be  said  of  the  Bourbon,  with  this  addition 
—that  your  Bourbon  learns  nothing.  In  fact,  it  may  be  said 
with  justice,  and  we  wish  to  offend  no  black  man  with  the 
comparison,  that  the  Bourbons  are  the  Negroes  of  Europe. 


BE   JUST,   IF  YOU  WON'T  BE   GENEROUS. 

It  is  not  fair  for  us  to  laugh  at  the  poor  Yankees.  H  they 
have  had  their  Bulls'  Run,  pray  haven't  we,  also,  every  year 
our  Cowes'  Regatta  ? 


146 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[October  12,  1861. 


THE    LAST    DAY    AT    THE    SEA-SIDE.-PACKING    UP. 

Maid  (to  Paterfamilias).  "  Please,  Sir,  Missus  sat  tou  're  to  come  in,  and  sit  on  the  Boxes  ;   because  we  can't  get  'em  to, 

AND    THEY    WANTS    TO    BE    CORDED." 


GLORIOUS  TRIUMPH  IN  THE  CITY  ! !  ! 

As  Mr.  Punch  last  week  announced  must  inevitably  be  the  case,  the 
Livery  has  chosen  Mb.  Cubitt  by  a  splendidly  preponderating  majority. 
As  Mr.  Punch  also  remarked,  it  would  have  been  an  insult  to  the  City 
to  doubt  the  result.  As  Mr.  Punch  further  remarked,  he  congratulates 
the  City  on  its  noble  conduct.  There  can  be  no  kind  of  hesitation  in 
affirming  that  not  only  is  Cubitt  the  proper  man — did  we  say  man,  we 
mean  nobleman— for  the  office  of  Lord  May  oh  during  the  year  when 
foreigners  from  all  parts  will  crowd  our  metropolis,  and  expect  to 
behold  in  the  person  of  our  Chief  Magistrate  a  compendium  of  all  that 
in  private  is  kind,  and  all  that  in  public  ennoblingly  towers,  for  Mansion 
House  banquets  expressly  designed,  like  the  strength  of  the  shaft  with 
the  capital 's  flowers.  The  veteran  champion  of  the  City  's  rights ;  the 
gallant  politician  who  resigned  the  inglorious  safety  of  Audover  to 
light  the  perilous  battle  of  the  Constitution  against  the  fiends  of  revo- 
lution whose  rage  found  vent  in  the  frantic  accents  of  the  terrible 
Wood  ;  the  hero  who,  though  defeated,  quailed  not,  but  instantly  gave 
more  dinners— here  was  the  man — nobleman,  we  mean— for  the  City, 
and  right  proud  and  glad  we  are  that  the  City  knew  its  man  and  chose 
him.  May  Cubitt,  twice  Consul,  have  a  glorious  and  prosperous 
second  reign,  and  when  the  bright  sword  of  Royalty  shall  fall  upon  his 
metropolitan  shoulders,  the  steel  should  be  wreathed  with  roses,  like 
the  blade  of  Harmodius,  and  homage  be  paid  at  once  to  the  brave 
statesman  and  the  worthy  host.  Who  's  Muggerid&e  ?  Muggeridge 
be  blowed !  Bah  !  bee !  bo !  buh !  Muggeridge,  indeed !  London 
for  Cubitt,  and  Cubitt  for  London ! 


Such  are  Mr.  Punch's  sentiments  from  which  he  has  never  swerved 
a  hair's-breadth,  and  to  which  he  adheres  with  the  tenacity  of  one  who 
stands  upon  principle.  It  is  at  the  same  time  due  to  himself  to  say 
that,  like  his  contemporaries,  he  had  been  prepared  for  any  contingency 
that  might  occur,  and  that  he  had  the  following  paragraph  ready  in 
type,  and  had  the  Livery  taken  a  different  view  of  the  case,  these 


remarks  would,  mutatis  mutandis,  have  taken  the  place  of  the  above 
glowing  eulogium. 

As  Mr.  Punch  announced  last  week  must  inevitably  be  the  case,  the 
Livery  has  chosen  Sir  Henry  Muggeridge  by  a  splendidly  prepon- 
derating majority._  The  City  has  vindicated  its  title  to  be  regarded  as 
the  asylum  of  justice,  fearlessness,  and  incorruptibdity.  Muggeridge  is 
Mayor-Elect,  and  a  glorious  triumph  has  been  achieved.  Who,  we 
indignantly  ask,  were  his  opponents  ?  The  Conservatives,  who  boast 
that  it  is  then  pride  stare  super  vias  antiquas,  and  now  indeed  do  stare 
at  the  old  streets  in  speechless  dismay.  These  were  the  champions  of 
order  and  vested  rights,  and  these  men  sought  to  thrust  away  the  lawful 
claimant  of  the  City  throne,  and  by  a  coup  d'etat  of  unequalled  ferocity, 
to  reseat  a  sovereign  whose  lease  had  expired.  Muggeridge  is  vic- 
torious, and  faction  and  epicureanism  sneak  into  unutterable  nothing- 
ness. What  was  the  baseband  indeed  baseless  assumption  upon  which 
they  rested  their  case  ?  They  urged  that  Mb.  Cubitt  had  upheld  the 
social  honours  of  the  City,  and  they  dared  to  imply  that  Muggeridge 
might  be  less  generous  and  open-handed.  Why,  did  they  not  know 
that  this  noble  Corn-Factor  is  a  Chevalier  of  the  Legion  of  Honour, 
created  by  no  less  a  personage  than  the  Emperor  of  the  French  him- 
self ?  Was  he— the  Chevalier— ldcely  to  tarnish  the  lustre  of  his  order, 
the  star  of  the  brave  whose  light  hath  shed  such  glory  o'er  the  quick 
and  dead  ?  His  very  name  is  suggestive  of  hospitality — Mug,  Mugger, 
Muggeridge  are  words  redolent  of  the  rich  atmosphere  of  the  loving- 
cup,  the  spiced  wine  in  which  a  Mayor  wishes  happiness  to  the  world 
in  general,  and  the  Aldermen  in  particular.  We  have  no  language  to 
express  our  contempt  for  the  happily  innocuous  but  not  the  less  malevo- 
lent attempt  to  push  him  from  his  stool  and  it  is  with  sensations  of  a 
character  too  elaborate  for  analysis,  and  too  recondite  for  utterance, 
that  we  join  in  the  exulting  shout,  "London  for  Muggeridge,  and 
Muggeridge  for  London  !  " 

And  now  we  hope  that  we  have  made  it  all  right  in  both  quarters, 
and  will  only  request  that  the  Lord  Mayor  will  recollect  that  we  have 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— October  12,  1861. 


THAMES   AND   HIS    TRIBUTARY. 

Father  Thames.  "BLESS  YOU,  MY.THWAITES!  BLESS  YOU!    IF  THEY  HAD  WAITED  FOR  YOUR   'INITIATIVE/ 

I  SHOULD  HAVE  NOTHING  TO  FEAR." 


October  12,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


149 


always  stood  by  him,  and  led  him  from  victory  to  victory,  and  that  in 
1862-3,  Sir  Henry  Muggeridge  will  not  fail  to  bear  in  mind  that 
no  considerations  of  personal  interest  prevented  our  upholding  him  in 
his  gallant  struggle,  cheering  him  during  its  progress,  and  consoling 
him  for  its  result.  ___ 

As  for  Sir  Peter  Laurie.  Well,  he  would  have  made  a  very  good 
Consul  indeed,  and  if  the  citizens  had  placed  the  saddle  on  the  right 
Mayor,  be  should  have  had  as  splendid  a  paragraph  as  either  of  the 
above.  As  it  is,  he  knows  where  we  are  to  be  found,  and  that  if  we  like 
one  thing  better  than  another,  it  is  first-rate  Madeira. 


HAPSBURG'S    GREATNESS    IN    VENICE. 

My  dear  Tearem, 

No  doubt  you  will  rejoice  to  hear  how  highly  the  constitutional 
government  of  that  great  monarch,  your  friend,  the  Emperor  of 
Austria,  is  making  itself  respected  in  Venetia.  You  will  remember 
that  a  little  while  ago  the  Austrian  authorities  at  Venice  arrested  and 
lined  several  of  those  persons  who  had  the  presumption  to  attend  a 
requiem  celebrated  on  the  occasion  of  the  death  of  Count  Cavour. 
Requiem,  indeed !  No  rest  or  peace  to  the  wicked  !  Well,  the  long- 
suffering  Austrian  rulers  did  not  exact  the  fines  at  the  time  from  then- 
ill-conditioned  subjects,  and  they  liberated  several  of  those  perverse 
offenders.  This  forbearance  has  not  been  appreciated  as  it  deserved  to 
be  ;  the  ungrateful  Venetians  have  made  no  sign,  not  any  the  least  demon- 
stration in  acknowledgment  of  your  great  and  glorious  friend.  What 
is  the  consequence  ?  That,  my  Tearem,  we  are  told  by  the  Paris  cor- 
respondent ol  the  Post,  according  to  whom : — ] 

"  At  the  beginning  of  this  month,  however,  the  '  Colpevoli '  were  called  before  the 
police,  and  told  that  they  must  pay  the  fines  or  go  to  the  prison  of  St.  Severo  for 
eight  days.  .  .  .  Many  Venetians  paid  the  fine,  but  others  preferred  the  im- 
prisonment. There  were  ladies  who  did  not  hesitate  to  submit  to  imprisonment 
rather  than  to  pay  their  florins  for  attending  a  religious  ceremony  in  a  city  of  his 
most  Catholic  and  Apostolic  Majesty  Francis-Joseph.  Among  these  was  Signora 
Gargnani.  This  lady  was  told  by  the  police  that  if  she  preferred  imprisonment  to 
the  fine,  '  She  would  be  placed  amongst  the  donne  di  mal  offare,  and  would  be  only 
allowed  the  ordinary  prison  food.'  This  lady  had  the  pluck  to  accept  such  an  alter- 
native, and  suffered  her  eight  days'  incarceration  with  such  company.  The  Coun- 
tess Labia  and  the  Signora  Serondi  are  other  ladies  who  are  in  prison  for  the 
same  offence." 

These,  my  dear  Tearem,  are  only  a  few  of  the  obstinate  ladies  whom 
the  energetic  Austrian  police  has  imprisoned  because  of  then-  refusal  to 
pay  fines  for  having  attended  a  mass  for  the  repose  of  a  soul  which  was 
hostile  to  the  dominion  of  the  Hapsburgs  in  Italy.  There  are  many 
more  of  them  expiating  their  audacity  in  prison.  In  thus  punishing 
these  rebels  in  crmoline,  the  admirable  police  of  Austria  has  evinced 
sound  policy,  not  only  administrative  but  also  financial.  Let  us  hope 
it  will  succeed.  Prancis-Joseph,  though  a  royal  gentleman,  such  as 
the  Kaiser  of  a  police  like  that  of  Venice  ought  to  be,  is  nevertheless 
a  gentleman  in  difficulties.  The  finances  of  his  Empire,  you  know,  are 
iu  a  very  bad.  way.  The  fines,  therefore,  under  his  constitutional  rule, 
due  from  delinquents  guilty  of  having  attended  an  objectionable  mass, 
were  of  course  an  object  to  a  magnanimous  but  needy  prince.  Hence 
we  see  the  wisdom  exercised  by  his  police  in  endeavouring  to  extract 
those  penalties  from  the  offenders  who  owed  them  by  every  possible 
means,  even  by  imprisoning  respectable  laches  along  with  donne  di  mal 
a  fare.  _  They  could  not  have  taken  a  more  judicious  course,  could  they  ? 
unless  indeed  they  had  whipped  the  forfeited  florins  out  of  the  Italian 
traitresses,  after  the  manner  of  gallant  Haynau  of  famous  memory, 
whom  you  should  love ;  for,  inasmuch  as  his  scourge  lacerated  the  backs 
of  the  fair  sex,  he  too  was  a  Tearem  in  his  way ;  and  he  tore  'em  in  the 
interest  of  Austria.  Congratulating  you  on  the  conciliatory,  liberal, 
and  enlightened  government  of  your  constitutional  and  imperial  friend 
as  instanced  at  Venice, 

To  John  Arthur  Tearem,  Esq.  Believe  me,  &c. 

Boots  at  the  Spread  Eagle.  ^mNCg. 


A  SENSIBLE  FASHION. 

The  attention  of  Paterfamilias  is  invited  to  the  subjoined  piece  of 
valuable  information,  for  which  he  has  to  thank  Le  Follet  :— 

"  The  vogue  for  Zouaves  is  far  from  becoming  extinct,  there  is  an  economical 
reason  which  proves  greatly  in  their  favour.  For  instance,  skirts  that  would  other- 
wise be  rejected  have  a  very  good  effect  when  accompanied  by  the  coquette  vest 
Zouave,  and  an  elegant  chemisette." 

The  skirts  that  would,  if  worn  otherwise  than  in  conjunction  with 
xhe_  coquette  vest  Zouave,  be  rejected,  may  be  presumed  to  be  skirts 
which  want  a  little  washing  but  will  not  stand  being  washed.  It  is 
melancholy  to  every  reflecting  mind,  except  that  of  a  linen-draper  or 
milliner,  to  think  how  many  skirts  are  rejected  under  those  circum- 
stances, and  have  to  be  replaced  by  unfortunate  husbands  and  fathers 


of  limited  and  precarious  means,  which  are  in  a  great  measure  confis- 
cated by  the  Income-Tax.  Any  fashion  which  will  have  the  effect  of 
making  female  apparel  go  farther  and  last  longer  than  it  would  else,  is 
highly  to  be  commended.  What  the  coquette  vest  Zouave  means,  never 
mind.  _  A  coquette,  as  we  have  before  had  occasion  to  observe,  is, 
according  to  Johnson,  a  gay  airy  girl  who  endeavours  to  attract  notice. 
The  coquette  vest  Zouave  may  be  a  gay  any  vest  constructed  for  the 
same  purpose.  Say  that  the_  coquette  vest  Zouave  is,  in  plain  English, 
a  flirting-jacket.  Be  it  what  it  may,  so  long  as  it  occasions  the  preserva- 
tion of  skirts  that  would  otherwise  be  rejected,  it  is  a  boon  and  a 
blessing  to  Paterfamilias.  Let  him  cast  an  eye  on  the  wardrobe  of 
Materfamilias  and  the  girls,  and  if,  by  the  help  of  strong  spectacles,  he 
can  manage  to  make  out  that  then  skirts  are  in  any  danger  of  rejection 
from  slight  discoloration,  or  on  any  the  like  pretence,  let  him  generously 
treat  them  all  round  to  the  coquette  vest  Zouave,  combining  elegance 
on  their  part  with  economy  on  his  own,  and  getting  credit,  at  the  same 
time,  for  good  taste  and  good-nature. 


MR.  SPURGEON'S  ADVICE  TO  BACHELOES. 

On  Tuesday  night  last  week,  at  the  Newington  Monster-Tabernacle, 
Mr.  Spurgeon  delivered  a  Lecture  on  that  popular  monster  the 
Gorilla.  Prom  a  report  of  the  celebrated  preacher's  observations,  the 
subjoined  extract  may  conduce  to  the  edification  of  our  readers : — 

•'  The  worst  Gorillas  were  bachelor  Gorillas.  (Laughter.)  He  hoped  he  addressed 
none  of  that  class.  (Continued  Laughter.)  From  this  subject  Mr.  Spurgeon  digressed 
to  the  softening  influence  of  female  society,  and  said  that  the  best  thing  every 
bachelor  could  do  was  to  take  under  his  sheltering  wing  one  who  could  give  him 
more  than  he  could  give  her.     (Laughter.)" 

Why  laughter  ?  What  was  there  to  laugh  at  in  this  last  remark  of 
Mr.  Spurgeon's  ?  There  are  those  who  laugh  at  what  they  don't 
understand,  and  such  alone  surely  are  they  who  coidd  have  found 
aught  laughable  in  Mr.  Spurgeon's  advice  to  bachelors.  They  did 
not,  of  course,  apprehend  any  latent  fun  in  the  figure  of  the  bachelor's 
"sheltering  wing."  It  is  not  to  be  supposed  that  they  understood 
Mr.  Spurgeon  as  insinuating  that  the  bachelor  who  married  was  a 
bird  as  it  were;  namely,  a  goose.  ±Vnd  where  was  the  joke  in  defining 
the  wife  that  a  bachelor  had  better  take  as  one  who  coidd  give  him 
more  than  he  could  give  her?  In  a  matrimonial  altercation,  indeed, 
there  are  plenty  of  ladies  who  are  capable  of  retorting  with  interest  on 
their  husbands,  and  giving  them  as  good  as  they  bring  and  better  in 
that  sense  of  the  phrase;  but  of  course  these  are  not  such  as  Mr. 
Spurgeon  would  recommend.  Some  wives  if,  in  giving  their  husbands 
heirs,  they  have  come  under  his  definition,  cannot  have  likewise  earned 
his  approval.  The  fellow  who  is  so  fortunate  as  to  contract  matrimony 
with  a  party  able  to  give  him  more  than  he  can  give  her,  can  only 
rationally  be  conceived  to  be  one  who  marries  a  woman  of  property  so 
much  exceeding  his  own  as  to  pay  her  expenses  and  leave  him  some- 
thing over.  This  kind  of  marriage,  though  a  most  felicitous  transac- 
tion, is  a  grave  affair  of  business,  and  no  laughing  matter  to  any  serious 
mind,  such  as  that  which  should  actuate  everybody  who  sits  under 


150 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[October  12,  1861. 


Mb.  Spubgeon.  The  thoughtful  bachelor  would  sigh  instead  of  laughing  on  being  advised 
to  "  take  under  his  sheltering  wing  one  who  coidd  give  him  more  than  he  could  give  her." 
Where,  oh  where,  is  so  valuable  a  woman  to  be  found  ?  Can  Spukgeon  tell,  or  is  the  reply 
to  come  from  Echo  ? 


MEDICAL  MANSLAUGHTER. 

Eveby  now  and  then,  especially  in  the  dull 
season,  a  paragraph  appears  headed  "Accidental 
Poisoning,"  or  "  Medicine  given  by  Mistake  :  '* 
on  reading  which,  we  learn  in  nine  times  out  of 
ten,  that  the  servant  in  attendance  has  given  the 
sick  patient  a  dose  from  the  wrong  bottle,  and, 
through  carelessness  or  else  imperfect  ability  to 
read,  has  administered  some  liniment  instead  of 
some  cough  mixture,  and  has  not  until  too  late 
discovered  the  mistake.  Now,  there  is  an  Act 
of  Parliament  which  enjoins  that  what  is  poi- 
sonous shall  be  labelled  "  Poison,"  which  is  a 
short  word  and  easy  to  be  read.  But  surgeons 
very  often,  and  chemists  not  the  less  so,  instead 
of  marking  lotion  bottles  with  the  label  "  Poison," 
are  rather  apt  to  use  fine  language  and  to  stick 
upon  their  phials  the  inscription  "  For  External 
application  only,"  a  phrase  intelligible  doubtless 
to  nine  persons  out  of  ten,  but  which  is  likely  by 
the  tenth  either  not  to  be  spelled  through,  or  not 
rightly  to  be  understood.  Long  words  are  very 
well  for  educated  minds,  but  for  intellects  half 
cultured  short  ones  are  far  better;  and  where 
life  and  death  may  hang  upon  the  use  of  them, 
surely  it  were  better  to  use  even  vulgar  phrases 
which  would  be  intelligible,  than  terms  more 
elegantly  chosen,  which  possibly  would  not- 
Many  a  half-schooled  servant,  who  might  not  know 
the  meaning  of  "external  application,"  would 
understand  the  coarser  caution  "  Not  to  be  took 
Inside,"  while  for  persons  more  illiterate  who 
might  entertain  some  doubt  about  the  rightly  spelt 
word  "  Poison,"  a  label  printed  "  Pison  "  would 
be  much  more  likely  to  be  quickly  understood. 


Locomotive  Love.— Buss-ing. 


A  LABOURER  NOT  WORTHY  OF  HIS  HIRE. 

Always  foremost  in  the  cause  of  freedom,  Mr.  Punch  raises  his  loud 
protest  against  the  arbitrary  and  tyrannical  conduct  of  the  Government, 
and  specially  of  Sib  Geobge  Gbey,  Home  Secretary,  in  reference  to 
the  pension  of  Mb.  Field.  To  pander  to  the  prejudices  of  the  mass  is 
entirely  unworthy  of  the  statesman  who  should  rule  and  guide  it,  and 
Sib  Geobge  Gbey  has  taken  an  opportunity  of  showing  that  he  shares 
the  feelings  of  the  English,  and  of  inflicting  a  blow  upon  one  of  the 
representatives  of  the  spy-system.  Mb.  Field  has  been  a  policeman, 
and  has  earned  a  retiring  pension  of  £120  per  annum.  Mb.  Field  has 
set  up  an  office  for  himself,  and  proffers  his  experience  as  a  Detective 
to  anybody  who  desires  to  find  out  anything,  and  can  pay  the  required 
fees.  Mr.  Punch  has  read  statements  in  the  papers,  and  has  also 
received  special  information,  which  lead  him  to  believe  that  the  private 
spy-system  is  carried  on  with  considerable  zeal  and  ingenuity  by  Mr. 
Field  and  other  professors  of  the  noble  art.  Why  they  are  to  be  dis- 
couraged, Mr.  Punch  does  not  know.  If  a  wife  suspects  that  her 
husband's  allegation,  on  going  out,  that  he  has  business  to  attend  to,  is 
not  quite  correct,  why  is  she  to  be  debarred  from  the  pleasure  of  hiring 
a  spy,  who  shall  follow  the  husband,  note  what  time  he  arrives  at  his 
office,  and  what  time  he  leaves  it,  whether  he  has  improved  Ids  dress, 
and  whether  he  goes  down  to  Greenwich  or  Blackwall,  and  with  whom, 
so  that  the  wife  may  confront  him  with  the  proofs  of  Ids  duplicity,  and 
demand  to  be  sent  to  her  mamma  ?  Or  on  the  other  hand,  if  a  husband 
imagines  that  all  his  wife's  interviews  during  the  day  are  not  narrated 
to  him,  why  should  he  not  bring  home  a  detective,  who,  under  the 
guise  of  a  tradesman's  messenger,  with  some  article  for  Mbs.  Slyboots's 
inspection,  may  become  acquainted  with  her  face,  and  may  track  her 
from  the  milliner's  to  the  grocer's,  and  thence  to  her  friend  Mrs. 
Wiley's,  and  thence  to  Kensington  Gardens,  and  thence  to  the  biscuit 
shop,  and  thence  home,  and  may  furnish  the  husband  with  all  this 
information?  The  Home  Secretary  does  not  appear  to  respect  the 
professors  of  detective  science,  and  simply  because  Mb.  Field  has 
placed  some  heading  to  his  letters  winch  may  lead  foreigners  to  believe  that 
the  Government  has  something  to  do  with  the  system,  the  ex-detective's 
pension  has  been  stopped.  He  clamours,  and  we'll  he  may.  Most  English- 
men do  not  like  spies,  and  use  hard  and  contemptuous  words  about  them, 
and  call  the  system  a  vfle  one,  and  are  inclined  to  kick  anybody  who 
is  found  listening  at  a  keyhole,  tampering  with  a  letter,  or  boring  a  hole 
in  the  wall  of  a  room.  They  even  prefer  to  be  deceived,  to  using  that 
kind  of  means  ot  detecting  deceit.  But  this  is  a  coarse,  insular  way  of 
looking  at  the  matter,  and  we  regret  that  those  who  have  learned  in 
France,  or  elsewhere,  to  avad  themselves  of  the  advance  of  ingenuity, 


and  the  subtleties  of  the  spy-system,  receive  an  implied  slap  in  the  face  by 
this  discouragement  to  Mb.  Field.  Sib  Geobge  Gbey  should  get  rid 
of  his  Enghsh  notions  and  habits  of  thought,  and  be  more  cosmopolitan. 
How  the  French  officials  must  smile  at  his  fastidiousness  !  There  are 
no  such  prejudices  in  France,  where  the  man  who  plays  dominoes  with 
you,  or  the  lady  who  waltzes  with  you,  or  the  tador  who  measures  you,. 
or  the  affable  stranger  who  smokes  a  cigar  beside  you  in  the  Gardens, 
may  turn  an  honest  napoleon  by  learning  your  busmess  for  the  benefit 
of  somebody  else  whom  it  may  concern.  Why  is  England  to  lag  behind 
the  rest  of  Europe  in  the  cultivation  of  Fine  Arts  ?  When  Parbament 
meets,  does  Sib  Geobge  think  that  he  can  successfully  meet  the 
question  why  Field's  pension  has  been  stopped,  with  the  bureaucratic 
reply  that  his  circulars  threw  suspicion  on  the  Government,  or  the 
insular  statement  that  he  was  disinclmed  to  show  favour  to  an  agent  of 
a  system  which  the  people  regard  as  mean,  treacherous,  and  un-Engbsh. 
Mr.  Field  evidently  thinks  that  these  will  be  no  answers  at  all. 


DARING  ACT  OF  PERAMBULATORSHIP. 

We  are  accustomed  to  complain  of  servants,  and  to  declare  that  they 
are  careless,  inattentive,  thoughtless,  destructive  for  the  mere  pleasure 
of  destruction,  and  we  don't  know  what  else.  Now  we  boldly  maintain 
the  contrary.  One  fact  will  suffice.  We  have  just  been  witnessing  a 
nursery-girl  (she  could  not  have  been  more  than  thirteen)  wheel  a 
perambulator,  with  two  children  in  it,  down  the  steps  by  the  Puke  of 
York' s  Column !  It's  a  fact.  Bump — bmnp  went  the  slender  vehicle, 
as  it  descended  each  step,  and  thump — thump  went  our  poor  heart 
as  we  watched  the  gradual  descent  of  the  vehicle.  We  expected  an 
accident  every  minute.  We  rushed  forward  to  offer  our  assistance, 
but  there  was  not  the  slightest  occasion  for  human  help.  With  won- 
derful nerve  she  guided  the  frail  machine.  Nothing  could  have 
exceeded  her  wonderful  self-possession  but  her  consummate  skill !  At 
last — and  those  thumping  five  minutes  were  to  us  more  than  an  age  of 
stifling  suspense— she  accomplished  the  daring  act,  and  it  was  done  as 
coolly  as  you  would  eat  an  ice.  And  most  miraculous — not  a  single 
baby  was  spilt !  We  would  not  have  tried  that  perdous  feat — no,  not 
for  all  the  wills  and  plate-chests  in  Cotjtts's  cellar.  Yet  we  have  heard 
ladies  peevishly  declare  that  servants  do  not  take  sufficient  care  of 
their  children ! 


Nigger  Peoveeb.— Massa  Debd,  him  not  so  lilly  white  as  lnm  be-  I 
painted.  | 


October  12,  1861.] 


PUNCH, 


OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


151 


DESCRIPTION    OF    AN    AGRICULTURAL    MEETING. 

aving  to  attend  an  Agri- 
cultural Dinner  at  North- 
ampton, Lord  Lyveden 
is  reported  to  have  said : — 

"  I  regret  that  having  seen 
this  morning  every  kind  of  im- 
provement and  every  stall  teem- 
ing with  something  new,  when 
we  come  together  this  evening- 
nothing  new  is  presented  to  us. 
We  have  the  same  speakers — 
the"  same  stale  jokes  — ■  the 
same  antiquated  imageries  — 
the  same  worn-out  arguments. 
(Laughter.)" 

We  would  not  dispute 
his  Lordship's  judgment  for 
the  world.  He  evidently 
knows  what  an  agricul- 
tural meeting  is  ;  but, 
knowing  as  much  as  he 
does,  we  wonder  how  he 
has  the  courage  to  venture 
into  one.  Is  he  fond  of 
"stale  jokes?"  Does  he 
take  any  particular  pleasure 
in  listening  to  "  worn-out 
arguments  ?  "  Has  he  any 
special  need  to  clothe  his 
thoughts  with  "  antiquated 
imageries  ? "  As  for  the 
good  taste  in  telling  these 
hard  truths  to  the  poor 
agriculturists,  throwing 
them  into  their  very  faces,  after  having  partaken  of  their  dinner,  we  would  make 
the  agricultural  Port  answerable  for  that  rather  than  his  Lordship. 
It  was  scarcely  kind  of  Lord  Lyveden  to  say  in  the  next  breath— 

"  There  is  nothing  to  tell  you  that  the  breed  of  orators  is  improving.    (Renewed  lavghter.)" 

And  this,  too,  after  Earl  Spencer,_  and  Lord  Burghley,  and  the  Hon.  Mr. 
Villiers  had  been  speaking.    He  might  have  spared  then-  feelings,  or  have  kept 


his  thoughts  to  himself.    This  open  criticism  is  not  justifi 
able  over  the  social  board. 

Lord  Lyveden  should  propose  a  prize  next  year  for 
the  "best  orator"  at  an  agricultural  meeting.  That 
probably  might  improve  "  the  breed."  We  wonder  who 
would  win  it  ?  Would  it  be  Newdegate,  or  Lord  Robert 
Montague,  or  Manners,  or  Naas,  or  who  ?  We  woidd 
back  Manners  against  the  whole  oratorical  universe  (the 
agricultural  portion  at  least— that  is  to  say,  the  green 
part  of  it),  burthen  Lord  Lyveden  must  not  enter  himself 
for  the  contest. 


GROSS  EQUIVOCATION. 


The  subjoined  advertisement  embellishes  the  inside 
back  of  a  Western  Omnibus  : — 

"  STRACHAN  &  Co.  \ 

Domestic  Black  I      gs    ^ » 

Combining  great  strength  I 

with  roughness.  J 

The  announcement  of  "  Domestic  Black  "  for  sale  might 
naturally  suggest  to  a  visitor  from  South  Carolina,  _  or 
another  Secession  State,  that  the  Domestic  Institution 
was  one  of  the  institutions  of  England.  As  "combining 
great  strength  with  roughness,"  our  Southern  guest 
might  imagine  that  the  Domestic  Black  would  be  better 
suited  for  field  labour  than  for  in-door  work,  including  the 
care  of  children.  The  low  price  of  the  Domestic  Black, 
being  considerably  under  a  dollar,  would  astonish  him,  and 
he  would  perhaps  remark  that  the  nigger  was  going  dog- 
cheap.  

A  Triple  Hatful  of  Coppers. 

The  newspaper  paragraph  subjoined  will  afford  an 
answer  to  the  question,  "  Why  is  the  Pope  like  Punch  ?  " 

"  Peter's  Pence.— The  total  amount  of  '  Peter's  Pence'  paid  into 
the  papal  treasury  up  to  the  present  date,  is  said  to  be  £2,280,000." 

His  Holiness  has  a  great  many  subscribers.  This  is  the 
resemblance  between  Punch  and  the  Pope.  The  difference 
is  that  Punch's  subscribers  take  Punch  in,  whereas  the 
Pope's  subscribers  are  taken  hi  by  the  Pope. 


A  QUIVEK  EULL  OE  CHILDREN. 

Some-  time  ago,  Mr.  Punch  announced  the  appearance  of  a  new 
periodical,  to  be  called  the  Quiver.  It  has  appeared,  and  is  stated  _  by 
its  conductors  to  be  successful.  Its  apparent  objects  arehighly  praise 
worthy,  and  Mr.  Punch  would  be  sorry  to  indite  a  word  in  discourage- 
ment of  any  effort  to  do  good.  But  it  occurs  to  him  that  a  household 
conducted  on  the  system  recommended  in  the  number  of  the  Quiver 
now  lying  before  him  might  be — not  to  put  too  fine  a  point  upon  it— 
slightly  dull.  _ 

An  exceedingly  self-satisfied  Parent,  complimented  by  a  friend  upon 
the  conversational  fluency  and  accuracy  of  Parent's  children,_  takes 
credit  to  himself  for  having  cultivated  those  gifts  _  in  his  offspring  by 
sundry  rides  and  regulations.  In  the  first  place  it  is  sternly  ordained 
that  in  the  Fluent  Family,  no  child  shall  ever  talk  Nonsense.  If  he  or 
she  have  nothing  sensible  to  say,  he  or  she  must  hold  his  or  her  little 
tongue. 

All  things  considered,  Mr.  Punch  is  not  quite  sure  that  this  pro- 
hibition is  calculated  to  make  home  particularly  happy.  One  Mrs. 
Browning  has  theories  upon  the  subject  of  child-nonsense,  theories 
which  would  shock  the  judicious  Parent  in  the  Quiver  ;  for  the  lady  (but 
what  do  women  know  about  education?)  censures — it  is  hi  a  lovely 
passage  in  Aurora  Leigh — men  who  have  not  the  wisdom  to  talk  non- 
sense with  children.  But,  passing  from  this,  and  we  dare  say  that 
when  out  of  Stern  Parent's  hearing,  Fluent  Children  indemnify  them- 
selves for  then  prematured  sagacity,  Mr.  Punch  invites  attention  to  the 
mode  in  which  Stern  Parent  supplies  Fluent  Chdd  with  pabulum  for 
wise  talk. 

At  the  beginning  of  each  month,  Parent  writes  a  long  list  of  "  sub- 
jects "  upon  slips  of  paper,  and  places  these  in  a  "vase."  We  believe 
a  common  jug,  or  a  flower-pot  with  the  hole  corked  up,  or  even  a  disused 
hat  will  answer  the  purpose,  but  "  vase  "  is  more  elegant,  and  you  can 
get  a  stunning  vase,  all  scroll  and  red  and  gilt,  in  the  Lowther  Arcade, 
tor  one  and  eightpence.  Well,  every  morning  some  one  of  the  children 
draws  out  a  slip.  He  or  she  proclaims  the  word.  At  dinner,  after 
mouths  have  been  wiped,  serviettes  put  into  rings,  and  grace  said,  each 
child  is  expected  to  come  out  with  something  wise  in  reference  to  tins 
theme. 

Parent  gives  a  specimen  of  the  result,  in  a  case  where  the  subject 
drawn  out  had  been  the  lively  and  suggestive  theme,  "  Truth."    Mr. 


Punch  is  sadly  afraid  that  had  he  had  the  misfortune  to  be  one  of  the 
guests  upon  the  occasion,  he  should  have  been  obliged  to  remember  a 
pressing  engagement,  in  order  to  escape  from  the  poor  dear  little  pedants 
who  were  made  to  torture  their  thoughts  into  the  semblance  of  aphor- 
isms and  epigrams.  Or  perhaps,  he  would  have  tried  to  provide  them 
with  something  lighter,  by  slipping  some  new  subjects  into  the  vase. 
For,  the  laboured  and  stilted  nonsense— yes,  nonsense  strictly  forbidden 
in  fun,  breaks  out  in  earnest— which  Self-sufficient  Parent  sets  down  as 
the  talk  of  Fluent  Children,  would,  had  it  really  been  uttered,  have 
moved  Mr.  Punch's  gentle  soul  to  compassion.  He  will  not  quote  it, 
though,  for  it  is  not  kindred  with  his  own  nonsense,  but  this  is  the  sort 
of  thing  which  is  to  make  Fluent  Children  :— 

Polly.  The  word  which  has  to-day  been  withdrawn  from  our  vase, 
dear  parents,  is  Patience.  As  I  am  to  speak  first,  let  me  remark  that 
this  is  a  quality  apt  to  be  recommended  by  those  who  do  not  always 
evince  the  possession  of  any  remarkable  share  of  it. 

Jachj.  It  is  a  very  desirable  quality,  because  it  enables  us  to  endure 
misfortunes  with  fortitude. 

Louisa.  It  is  like  a  lamp,  because— because— because  it  throws  a  sort 
light  upon  our  sorrows.  .  . 

Stern  Male  Parent.  You  may  add,  Louisa,  because  it  requires  to  be 
supplied  with  the  oil  of  charity.  . 

Stem  Female  Parent.  Let  me  also  add  that  Louisa's  simile  might  be 
improved  by  introducing  the  word  "  camphine,"  for  patience  shows  a 
very  pure  spirit. 

Stem  Male  Parent.  Admirable,  dear  Mamma,    Proceed,  Harry. 

Harry.        "  Patience,  should,  like  a  polished  razor  keen, 

Wound  with  a  touch  that 's  hardly  felt  or  seen." 

No,  I  mean  Satire,  but  I  got  the  wrong  quotation  hito  my  head. 

Stern  Parent.  As  a  forfeit  for  your  inadvertence,  Harry,  repeat  to  us 
the  first  hundred  lines  from  Paradise  Lost.  With  clue  accent  and 
emphasis.  .       , 

Harry.  "  Of  man's  first  disobedience  eatmg  fruit,  ojc,  Oec. 

There,  will  anybody  like  to  join  the  Fluent  Children  at  their  improving 
revels,  or  who 's  for  a  game  at  Cross  Questions  and  Crooked  Answers  ? 
Happy  may  be  the  man  who  has  his  Quiver  full  of  such  children,  but 
Mr.  Punch,  who  adores  and  is  adored  by  children  generally,  confesses 
that  he  would  not  be  very  happy  with  the  children  of  the  Quiver. 


152 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[October  12,  1861. 


THE  APPLES  OP  VANITY. 

0  Vanity  !  thy  lust  of  dress 

Is  as  the  hunger  of  a  dog. 
No  beast  exceeds  thy  vast  excess  ; 

No  glutton,  alderman,  or  hog. 
Horseleech  more  suction  doth  not  crave : 
Thou  art  insatiate  as  the  grave. 

What  bounds  thy  ravage  can  contain  ? 

Our  orchards  must  their  fruit  produce, 
That  Manchester  may  better  stain 

Thy  cotton  trappings  with  their  juice  :. 
So  we  shall  have  no  apples  left, 
And  of  our  cider  be  bereft. 

Thou  idiot  Vice,  whose  mean  delight 
Lies  in  the  thought  of  being  seen,. 

In  gay  habiliments  bedight, 
Distended  by  thy  Crinoline  : 

What  is  there  thou  wouldst  not  devour, 

Just  in  thy  hat  to  stick  a  flower  ? 

Ah  !  couldst  thou,  from  the  very  grape, 
Squeeze  out  a  novel  purple  dye 

To  colour  thy  confounded  crape 
So  as  to  catch  the  public  eye, 

Thou 'dst  spoil  the  true  Burgundian  vine 

Itself,  and  rob  us  of  our  wine. 


Small  Cousin.  "  Do  you  know,  Alice,  it  just  occurs  to  me,  that  the  Guard 

THINKS  WE  ARE  A  RUNAWAY  CoUrLE  !  " 


Humiliating  Spectacle. 

The  following  remark  was  made  by  a  Swell  inspecting 
through  his  eye-glass  a  very  small  infant  exhibited  to  him 
at  the  instance  of  its  father,  by  its  nurse,  "Welcome 
little  Stwangeaw  !  Baby,  singulaw  queechaw— Of  cawse, 
A  was  once  a  baby  myself.  Ought  to  make  a  feUa  humble 
— the  ideaw  of  having  evaw  been  sa  match  like  a  puppy '. " 


AFFECTIONS   OF   SALMON. 


The  Fishery  Commissioners  of  Ireland  report  a  "decline 
of  Salmon."  This  is  very  sad.  The  decline  of  Salmon  must 
be  lamented  by  those  who  rejoice  in  then  consumption. 


A  PUZZLE  FOR  A  CABMAN- 

The  Minutes  of  Education  lately  put  before  the  public  have  received 
from  some  people  some  moments  of  attention ;  and  certainly  the  writer 
of  the  following  advertisement  would  be  none  the  worse  for  giving  half- 
an-hour  to  any  minutes  that  should  point  out  how  the  Enghsh  language 
might  be  learnt : — 

T^OUR  POUNDS  REWARD.— LOST,  a  valuable  TURQUOISE  and 
J-  GOLD  BROOCH,  on  Thursday  night,  26th.  If  the  cabman  who  took  two 
ladies,  in  evening  dress,  from  the  corner  of  Wellington  street,  Strand,  to  3,  Upper 
Baker  Street,  N.W.,  will  return  the  same,  or  any  person  who  may  have  found  it  in 
the  cab,  shall  be  gladly  paid  the  reward  offered  if  brought  to  the  address  given. 

The  puzzles  here  presented  are  really  quite  as  numerous  as  those 
littered  in  our  nursery,  and  to  our  mind  they  are  scarcely  less  difficult 
to  solve.  Whether  the  cabman  is  requested  to  "  return  the  same  "  two 
ladies,  or  their  "  evening  dress,"  or  "  Wellington  Street,  Strand,"  or 
"  Upper  Baker  Street,  N.W.,  or  "  any  person  who  may  have  found  it 
in  the  cab,"  we  are  utterly  unable  definitely  to  decide.  And  what  the 
"  it  "  refers  to  is  alike  incomprehensible,  as  is  the  nominative  which  is 
wanting  to  the  "  shall  be  gladly  paid."  Which  is  the  "  address  given  " 
is  another  doubtful  point,  seeing  that  the  corner  of  Wellington  Street 
is  mentioned  as  well  as  No.  3,  Upper  Baker  Street,  N  W. ;  and  what 
is  to  be  "  brought  "  there  seems  a  problem  not  less  difficult,  and  one 
that  we  have  certainly  no  leisure  now  to  solve. 

II  ladies  who  lose  things  word  their  advertisements  thus  loosely,  they 
cannot  wonder  much  at  not  recovering  the  articles  they  lose.  However 
conscientious  a  cabman  may  be,  he  cannot  be  expected  to  waste  an 
afternoon  in  endeavouring  to  get  through  such  a  maze  as  we  have 
quoted;  and  the  chances  are,  that  after  sundry  scratches  of  his 
puzzled  pate,  he  will  pitch  the  Times  aside,  and  have  another  pot  of 
beer. 


The  Uses  of  Prosperity. 

Prosperity  has  its  "  sweet  uses  "  as  well  as  adversity,  for  no  sooner 
does  a  man  come  into  a  little  property  than  he  instantly  learns  the 
number  of  his  friends  •  whereas,  if  he  remained  poor,  the  chances  are 
that  he  would  have  died  iu  perfect  ignorance  of  the  fact. 


WHAT  ?    AT  IT  AGAIN  ?    YOU  ! 

Russia,  enchanted  at  the  politeness  of  Mr.  Seward,  has  found  heart 
to  begin  interfering  in  a  quarter  where  it  might  be  thought  she  had 
received  some  little  discouragement  the  other  day.  She  has  actually 
taken  upon  herself  to  apprise  the  Subbme  Porte  that  she  disapproves 
of  its  treatment  of  the  Montenegrins,  and  intends  to  send  vessels  to 
enforce  her  views.    What  does  Europe  think  of  that  ?    Russia  ! 

"  While  yet  her  cicatrix  looks  raw  and  red 
After  the  English  sword." 

We  should  much  like  to  see  the  original  reply,  as  jotted  down  by  the 
new  Sultan.    We  wonder  whether  this  is  anything  like  it : — 

"  Son  of  a  burnt  fortress, 

"  Your  missive  has  been  laid  at  our  feet,  and  if  your  own  have  recovered 
from  the  bastinado  so  well  laid  on  by  our  late  brother's  friends,  you  had  better  come 
here  and  humbly  ask  leave  to  devoir  the  letter,  on  your  knees,  in  our  presence.  By 
the  soul  of  the  Prophet,  but  some  people's  effrontery  is  marvellous.  Are  the  blasted 
docks  of  Sebastopol  rebuilt,  and  are  all  your  ships  fished  up  from  the  bottom  of  the 
sea  and  re-fitted  ?  Send  by  return  of  post  the  head  of  the  slave  who  penned  the 
letter,  and  say  what  you  will  stand  if  we  promise  not  to  show  it  to  the  small-footed 
but  large-minded  Bulwer. 

"  Seraglio  Point.  "  Agreez,  &C:" 

On  the  whole,  Fundi  humbly  suggests  that  the  Autograph  of  all  the 
Russians  had  better  attend  to  the  manumission  of  his  own  negroes,  and 
leave  the  Montenegroes  to  mind  their  own  business.  Omar  Pasha 
might  like  nothing  better  than  giving  the  same  hint  in  livelier  colours. 


A  Salt-Water  Sketch. 

(Taken  on  the  Sands.) 


The  Visitors  of  Ramsgate  are  divided  by  the  respectable  residents 
into  two  classes  :— "  Those  who  go  to^  bathe,  and  those  who  go  to  see 
them  bathe." 

SCIENTIFIC  INTELLIGENCE. 

A  Fast  young  Undergraduate  explained  to  his  slow  "coach,"  that 
the  reason  he  was  reading  up  a  Guide  to  the  Turf  was  for  instruction  in 
Ethnology,  or  the  knowledge  of  Races. 


Printed  by  William  Bradbury,  of  No.  13.  Upper  Wobom  Dace,  and  Frederick  Mullen  E»ans,  of  No.  19,  Queen's  Road  West,  Regent's  Park,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Pancras,  in  the  County  of  Middlesex, 
rnnters,  at  their  Office  in  Lombard  Street,  in  the  Frecinct  of  Whitefriars,  iu  the  City  of  London,  and  Published  by  them  at  No.  83,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  id  the  City  of  London.- 
Satdbdat,  October  12,  1861. 


T    53.    ly 


SECOND  EDITION  OF 


S    I    L    V    E 


C    OXR    D. 

Published  this  day,  in  3  Vols.,  Price  31*.  drf. 
BY  SHIRLEY  BROOKS,  AUTHOR  OP  "THE  GORDIAN  KNOT,"  "ASPEN  COURT,"  &c. 
"  If  to  create  excitement  from  the  first  chapter  to  the  last  be  the  great  object  in 
writing  a  novel,  Mr.  Shirley  Brooks   has  achieved  a  most  remarkable  success, — for 
a  more  exciting   atory  than    'The  Silver   Cord'   was,    perhaps,    never   written." — 
Examiner. 


"  There  is  a  wealth  of  materials  in  it  that  is  quite  surprising.  Almost  every  chapter 
has  its  own  striking  situation  allotted  to  it,  and  we  are  constantly  kept  on  the  alert, 
watching  for  something  even  more  startling  Mian  all  that  has  gone  before."— Saturday 
Review.  [Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street.  Fleet  Street.  B.C. 


COMPLETION  OP 

THE    ENGLISH    CYCLOPiEDI 

CONDUCTED   BY  CHARLES   KNIGHT. 
In  Pour  Divisions ;  each  Complete  in  itself. 


Each  Division  of  the  English  Cyclopaedia  is  sold  as  A  Separate  Work. 

GEOGRAPHY  4  Vols.,  £2     2  0  or  2  Vols.,  lif.  moroc.  £2  10  0 

BIOGRAPHY  6  Vols.,     3     0  0        3  Vols.,  „  3  12  0 

NATURAL  HISTORY     4  Vols.,    2     2  0        2  Vols.,  „  2  10  0 

ARTS  AND  SCIENCES   8  Vols.,     4  16  0        4  Vols.,  „  5  12  0 

Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI— October  19,  1861. 

MAPPOT   BROTHERS' 

TABLE   CUTLERY,   67  &  68,    KING    WILLIAM    STREET, 

LONDON  BRIDGE.     Established  in  Sheffield,  a.d.  1810. 

None  are  genuine  without  their  Corporate  Murk — the  "Sun,"  granted  to  their  father  by  the 

Cutlers'  Compauy  of  Sheffield,  June  26th,  1835. 

Ordinary  Quality,  Ale'fuim  Quality.  Beat  Quality. 
Two  dozen  full-size  Table  Knives  ivorv  handles  £2     4     0  £3     0     0  £4  12     0 

One-and-a-half  dozen  full-size  Cheese  ditto    14     0  1  14     0  2   11     0 

One  pair  regular  meat  Carvers   0     7     6  Oil     0  0  15     6 

One  pair  extra,  size  ditto 086  0  12     0  0166 

One  pair  Poultry  Carvers 070  0  11     0  0  15     6 

One  steel  for  Sharpening 0    3    0  0    4     0  0    6    0 

Complete  Service £4  14    6         £6  18    6         £9  16    6 

Any  quantity  can  be  had  at  the  same  prices.     None  of  the  above  can  come  loose  in  Hot  Water. 
Manufactory,  Queen's  Cutlery  Works.  Sheffield. 

DR.  DE  JONGH'S 

(Knight  of  the  Order  of  Leopold  of  Belgium  ) 

L 

Prescribed  by  the  most  eminent  Medicnl  Men  throughout  the  world  as  the  safest,  speediest, 

and  most  effectual  remedy  for 

CONSUMPTION,    CHRONIC    BRONCHITIS.   ASTHMA,  COUGHS,    RHEUMATISM,  GOUT, 

GENERAL    DEBILITY,    DISEASE   OP    THE    SKIN.    TUCKrtTs,  INFANTILK  WASTING, 

AND   ALL  SCROFULOUS  AFPKC1  IONS, 

Is  incomparably  Superior  to  every  other   Variety. 


TOE  QUARTERLY  RLVIEW 

■*■   No.  CCXX.,  is  published  THIS  DAT. 

CONTENTS : 
I.  SHELLEY'S  LIFE  AND  CHARACTER. 
II.  LIFE,   BNTERPBIZE,    AMD    PEKiL   IN 
C(ML  MINES. 

III.  IMMUTABILITY    OF    THE    LAWS    OF 

NATURE. 

IV.  NEWTON    AS    A   SCIENTIFIC    DISCO- 

VERED. 
V.  GROWTH  OF  ENGLISH  POETRY. 
VI.  PLUTAKCH. 

VII.  EDUCATION  OF  THE  POOR. 
VIII.  ALKXIS  DE  TOCQUEVILI.E. 
IX.  ADJUSTMENT  OF  THE  CHURCH  BATE 
QUESTION. 
John  Murkav,  Albemarle  Street. 

*8iHE    QUEEN-AN     ILLUS* 

A    TRATED  JOUuN'AL  AMD  KUViiSW, 
bd.  Weekly. 

"The  Queen"  is  the  earliest  and  most  accurate 
chronicler  of  La  Mo<(e.  At  all  booksellers,  anil  post 
free  for  G  stamps  from  the  Office,  -48  Strand,  VV.U. 


THE 


CORNHILL 

ZINE. 

ONE  SHILLING  MONTHLY.  Illustrated. 
Smith,  Eldf.k,  &  Co.,  G">,  Cornhill. 


WEDDING  STATIONERY 

50samplesP6STFREE 
PARKINS  &  G0TTQ 


"PUR^ISHIHG     WAEE- 

<&>     HOUSES,    6ft,   70,    71.    72,    73,    74,   75, 
Westminster  Bridge  Road.  Lambeth. 

ATKINSON  &  Co.  Iiave  always  on  hand  a  very 
lar^e  and  choice  Stock  of  every  requisite  for  fur- 
nishing a  house. 

Bedroom  suits  complete  from  *7  I11*. 
Dining  or  Sitting-room     „      £\2  12s. 

Drawing-room  in  fine  figured  Walnut- wood,  stuffed 
all  hair,  covered  in  Rep,  from  £21  in*,  warranted. 

Catalogues  (to  be  had  either  on  application  or 
post  free)  containing  numerous  designs,  accom- 
panied with  Estimates  for  a  complete  House— or  the 
price  of  a  single  piece  of  Furniture. 

Carpets:  Turkey,  Axminster,  Brussels,  Kidder- 
minster, &c.  ike. 

Curtain  fabrics  in  Brooatelle,  Tournay,  Rep,  Silk 
and  Worsted,  all  Wool  and  Union  Damasks,  Muslin 
Curtains,  Table  Covers,  Blankers,  Sheetings,  and 
every  other  description  of  domestic  Drapery. 

n 

% 


o 

(-1 

w 

O 

o 


EH 
0Q 

Pi 

& 
S-i 

© 


W 


« 

bfi 

H. 

« 
w 

H 

© 

02 


.fpiXJBB'S   PATENT   DETEC- 

V  TOR  LOOKS;  Cliuub's  Fire  aud  Bur- 
glar Prool  Sales;  CUnbb's  Fireproof  Strong-room 
Doors;  Chubb's  Street-ilortr  Latches,  with  small 
keys;  Chubb's  Cash  auii  Deetl  Roses.— Illustrated 
Price  List  sent  free. 

Chubb  &  Son,  No.  57,  St.  Paul's  Churcbynrd. 


£5S- 


i    '    THE  OLD  ESTABLISHED 

pATENT  Indestructible  Mineral  I'eeth, 
and  Flexible  Gums  without  Palates,  Springs  or 
Wires,  and  without  any  operation.  "One  Set  lasts 
a  Lifetime,"  and  warranted  for  every  purpose  of  mas- 
tication or  articulation,  even  when  all  others  fail. 
Purest  materials  and  first-class  workmanship  at 
half  the  usual  cost. 

No.  27,  HAULEY  STREET,    CAVENDISH    SO 
aml:<LLUI>GATE  HILL,  LONDON: 
<>b,  NEW  STREET.  BIRMINGHAM 
134,  UUKjE    S1REET,  LIVERPOOL. 

f?0YAL     EXTRACT    OF 

Mt  KLOWERS  and  EATJ  DE  COLOGNE 
it  la  VIOLKTTE  are  the  Two  Fashionable  Per 
fumes.  Their  extreme  delicacy  of  fragrance,  com- 
bin.d  with  their  duraldliiy,  inducing  the  must 
general  approval.  2*.,  :is.  M.,  5s.,  and  6s. 
H.  11igge,35,  New  Bund  Street. 

HOPLEMUROIA-W. 
Clahk  begs  to  call  the  attention  of 
all  who  have  the  care  of  Horses  to  his  HOPLEMU- 
ROAIA,  for  the  improvement  and  growth  of  horse./ 
feet,  to  cure  and  prevent  brittleand  shelly  feet,  saud 
cracks,  needy  toes,  diseased  frogs,  *c 
75,  Baker  Street.  W. 


SELECT    MEDICAL    OPINIONS  : 

SIR  HENRY  MARSH,  Bart..  M.D.,  Physician  in  Ordinary  to  the  Queen  in 
Ireland. — "  I  consider  Dr.  do  Jongh's  <J<>d  Liver  Oil  tobeavety  pure  Oil,  not  likely  to  create 
disgust,  and  a  therapeutic  agent  ot  great  v.tlu  ■." 

SIR  J0  3FPH  OLLIPFE.  M.D..  Physician  to  the  British  Embassy  at  Paris.— 
"  I  have  frequently  prescribed  Dr.  de  Jongh's  Light  Brown  Cod  Liver  Oil,  and  I  have  every 
reason  to  be  satisfied  with  its  beneficial  and  salutary  effects." 

DR.  L  -NKEsTER,  F.R.S.— "  I  deem  t  e  Cod  Liver  Oil  sold  under  Dr.  de  Jongh's 
guarantee  to  be  preferable  to  any  other  Uiud  as  regards  genuineness  and  medicinal  efficacy." 

D-«.  LAWRANCE,  Physician  to  II. RH.  the  Duke  of  Saxe-Cobnrg  and  Gotha.— "I 
invariably  prescribe  Dr.  de  Jongh's  Oil  in  preference  to  any  other,  fooling  assured  that  I  am 
recommending  a  genuine  article,  and  not  a  manufactured  compound  in  which  the  efficacy  of 
this  invaluable  medicine  is  destroyed."     

Dr.  de  Jongh's  Light-Brown  Con  Liver  Oil  is  sold  only  in  imperial  half-pints,  2s.  6d. ; 
pints.  4s.  Od.  ;  quarts  9s.  ;  capsuled  and  labelled  with  his  stamp  and  signature,  without  which 
none  CAN  possibly  be  genuine,    by  re-pectable  Chemists. 

Sole  Consignees:— ANSA R,  HARFORD,  &  Co.,  T7,  Strand,  London,  W.C. 
CAUTION".  —Beware  ot'  Proponed  Substitutions. 


r  £1 


JDDIM8  AND    BIRTHDAY  PRESENTS,  &c. 

T.  A.  SIMPSON  &  Co., 

TJEG  to  solicit  the  honour  of  a  visit  from  their  numerous  Patrons  to  inspect  their  present 
*^  Stock,  which  is  in  every  respect  unrivalled,  comprising  Jewellery  in  till  its  branches,  Watches, 
French  Drawing  and  Dining  Room  and  Library  Cl"Cks,  Garnitures  de  Chemmee,  Jewel  and 
Scent  Caskets,  Etui  Cases.  Mediaeval  Mounted  Rnvelope  and  Blotting  Cases  and  Inkstands 
en  suite  in  ''  Thuya  Itnperiale"  and  other  choice  wools.  Ladies  and  Gentlemen's  Dressing 
Cases  with  Silver,  Silver-gilt  and  Plated  fittings,  Travelling  Dressing  Bags  fitted  complete, 
Reticule  and  Carriage  Bags,  Despatch  Boxes,  Travelling  and  Tourists' Writing  Cases,  besides  a 
large  variety  of  other  Articles  too  numerous  to  specify,  suitable  for  Presentation. 

T.  A.  SIMPSON   &  Co., 

GOLDSMITHS,    JEWELLERS,  CLOCK  &  WATCH    MANUFACTURERS,  DRESSING-CASE 
MAKERS  AND  FOREIGN  IMPORTERS, 

154,  Regsnt  Street,  aod  S,    Be»k   Street,  W. 


EWER  &m  CD'S   MUSIC  1L   LIBRABY, 

The  Largest  Establishment  of  its  kind  in  the  world,  is  now  open  to  Subscribers. 


SUBSCRIBERS  IN  TOWN 

Receive  2  guineas'  worth 
of 

MUSIC, 

Which  may  be  exchanged 
Twicb  a  Week. 


SUBSCRIBERS  IN  THE 
COUNTRY 

Receive  i  guineas'  worth 
of 

MUSIC, 

Which  may  be  exchanged 
Twice  a  Month. 


Annual  Subscription,  Tw^v  Guineas.     One  Guinea's  worth  of  Music  will  be  presented  to  each 
Subscriber.     Prospactu  es  gratis  on  application 
EWER  &  Co.,   Her  Majesty  s  Music  Ssllers,  «7,  Regent  Street,  W^ 

QOUIHSEA  ISaTHE  MOST  ATTRACTIVE   WATERING  PLACE 

W  IN  ENGLAND; 

Two  Hours  from  London,  and,  by  the  New  Pier  on  Suuthsea  Beach,  twenty  minutes  from  the 

Isle  of  Wight, 

THE   BEST    BAT-.ING    ON    THE    SOUTH    CO  ^  ST ; 

Grand  Esplanade,  with  Splendid  View  of  the  Isle  ofOKignt,  Spithoad,  and  the  Solent :  Yachting; 

Naval  and  Military  Evolutions:  Military  Bands  duly  ;  Good  Hotels,  Assembly  Rooms, 

Libraries,  Fust  class  Lojging  Houses  lacing  the  -ea. 

the~pocket   siphoma   depot.-edmistom   and   son, 

^'t'lc   Manufacturers  of  the   12oz.  Waterproof  Coat   for   India,  gu  oaireed  not   to  be  sticky, 
no  matter  the  climate  it  is  subject  to.     From  42s.,  ail  silk  5ils.  to  His.     Measurement  required, 
the  length  and  size  round  the  chest.     Knapsacks  for  Tourists,  18s.  (id. 
FISHING  STOCKINGS,  21s.  to  25s.  per  pair. 
S,   CHARING    OaOSS,    !ate    69.    STRANG 


THE   NSW   COLOUR  FOR   GENTLEMEN'S    DRESS- 

•*>•    Imperial   Blue  is  now  ready  in  every  variety  of  Mm  mug  Suits,  and  Overcoats,  at  H.  . 
D.  NICOLL'S,  No.  114,  Regent  Street,  22,  Cornhill,  aud  10,  St.  Ann's  Square,  Manchester. 


SATURDAY    TO     MONDAY 

^?  at  the  SEASIDE.  —  RETURN'  TICKETS 
EVE-iY  SATURDAY  AFTEKNOON,  at  lniv  tares, 
bvtlie  BRIGHTON  UAII.WAV.  from  Victoria  and 
London  Bridsce,  to  BltlGHiON,  Has'inis,  Ports- 
mouth, Worthinic,  East hourne.Jic.— See  Timetables. 

PARIS  FOR  20s    via  NEW- 

■*>  HAVEN  and  DIEPPE,  from  London 
Bridge  anil  Victoria  Stations  daily. 

HOLLOWAY'S  PILLS  WILL 
care  any  disorder  of  tbe  Liver  and 
Stomach.  Such  as  snff-r  from  iiidi^fstion,  want  of 
appeti  e,  and  irum  we  tknese  an'l  debility  will  fiud 
this  medicine  superior  to  all  othTS. 


//  PISSSE  &  LUBIN 

WHOLESALE 
//  PERFOMEHY    FACTORS. 


HARVEY'S  FISH  SAUCE- 
Notice  of  InjmurMini  — Tbe  admirers 
of  this  celebrated  Fish  Sauce  are  par:»cuUrly  re- 
quested to  observe  that  none  is  genuine  but  that 
which  bears  the  back  label  with  the  name  of  Wil- 
liam I.azrnby,  as  well  as  the  front  label  signed 
"Elizabeth  Lazenby,"  and  thai  for  further  security, 
on  the  neck  of  every  bottle  of  the  Genuine  Sauce 
will  henceforward  appear  an  additional  label,  printed 
in  green  and  red,  as  follows :—" This  notice  will  be 
affixed  to  L.azenby's  Harvey's  Sauce,  prepared  at 
the  original  warehouse,  in  addition  to  the  well  known 
labels,  which  are  protected  against  imitation  by  a 
perpetual  injunction  in  Chancery  of  9'h  July,  1858." 
6,  Edwards  Street,  Portman  Square,  Loudou.  W. 


THE 


J.  and 


ANTED,     LEFT-OFF 

CLOTHES,  Uniforms,  Furniture, 
Miscellaneous  Property,  &c.  The  huhest  price 
Kiven.  1  adies  or  Gentlemen  waited  on  by  addre^sin^ 
to  Mr.  or  Mas.  G.  II  yah,  111,  Beak  Street,  llegeut 
Street,  W.;  or  Parcels  bem-c  sent  the  utmost  value 
in  cash  immediately  remitted.    .Established  1820. 

BAUCE.-LEA  &  PERRINS' 
WOUUESTJGlidaiRfi  SAUUE.  Pro- 
nounced by  Connoisseurs  to  be  "The  only  Good 
Sauce." 
Sold  Wholesale  and  for  Export,  by  the  Proprietors, 
'orcesier:  Messrs.  0.0.0s sk  «  Black  wbll,  London. 


Worcester;  Messrs.  Cbossk  v  B 
&c.  &C,  and  by  Grocers  and  Oil 


k  u  km    London, 
rsally. 


"DIMMEL'S     ?A- 

Afc    TENT      PERFUME 
VAPORISER,  an  Elegant  Ap- 
paratus, recommended  by  Da. 
Lbtubjjy  and  Dr.  LIassall  for 
diffusing      the      fragrance     of 
nowers,  and  purifying  the  air. 
Price  from  6s. 
Rimmkl,  Perfumer. 
9fi,  Strand,  and  21,  CoruhilL 


ME.  MARKWELL,  WINE 
iVlercliaut,  to  liar  Majesty,  Nos.  35  to 
40.  and  16,  Albemarle  Sireet.  aud  ',  Stafford  Street, 
Ptcead.Uy,  LiiDdon.  VV.  Naval  and  Military  Messes 
supplied.  Receipts  for,  and  Compounds  ol,  Ameri- 
can Drinks.  The  still  Hud  sparkling  Catawba.  Tbe 
Caliloiniao  Champagne,  ots.  per  dozen.  Red  and 
ubite  Hungarian  Wines,  Una.  and  upwards  |ier  doz. 
Tbe  celebrated  aromatic  Scbeidam  Schnapps, 
Stuujthiou  K  Sickles'  Bitters.  Bourbon.  Mouousa- 
bcla.and  Uld  Uoimuion  Whiskies. ^ 

ft    MTlNNES  &  (b,  WINE 

V«  »  ilorclia.its,  6:i,  Strand,  VV.C,  strongly 
recommend  ibeir  l'alc  Dry  Uinuer  Sherry  at  -as., 
32s.,  aud  i6t.\  Vino  de  1'asto,  4Sa.;  Fuie  Medoc 
Claret,  2-U.  


CARDNERSIAMPS 

:$£ST 

DfsrT/752 


EAIT  BE  VIE.-THIS  PURE 
BltANUV,    \&s.    per   salioo,;    »9«.  per 

dozen  Case,  is  to  be  obtained  only  direct  from 
Uhhry  Bbett  &  Co.,  Old  Funuval's  Distillery, 
Holborn,  K.C. 

I  FEILUPSOR  *  Co*»  »w  Pwrfome,  t 

\    4<LA  DUCHESSE."     j 

i  The  most  refreahin*  »nd  dar»01«  s<  th«  <Siy.  J 
1  i'rice  2s.  Sd.  of  all  C'h«ml»u  in<l  v.ndvra  of  I 
".  t'orfumery  ,or  by  letter  ieuelo«ini  »  Pint  Office  * 
5  Orderor  stamps)  to  PHJJLLIPSOS  AND  CO.,  \ 
i.  \.  Boi.GE  Kovf.  St.  Fiuu'i,  L«apo»,  £.C.  i 
?  Tiie  POMADE.  3..  M.jSOAP,  Is.tOIL.Sjfiti.  J 
i  Perfumery  for  every  clvnat*.   Ca4fti.ogu*r*  free.  \ 

COCKS'S  CELiiiJtJKAiiii) 
READING  SAUCE, 
Which  is  so  huhly  esteemed  with  Fish,  Game, 
Steaks,  Soups.  Grills,  Gravies,  Hot  &  Cold  Meats, 
aud  unrivalled  for  seneral  use,  is  Sold  by  the  most 
respectable  Dealers  in  Fish  Sauces. 

C.  Cocks,  Reading,  Sole  Manufacturer. 


October  19,  1861.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


I5'i 


"NONE  0'   YOUR  LARKS." 

Gigantic  Navvy.  "  Let 's  walk  between  yer,  Gents;  foils  '11  think  you  've  tool:  up 

a  Deserter." 


THE  PALL  OP  THE  LEAF ; 

OR,  SYLVAN  MUSINGS. 

I  sat  "upon  a  timber  stool, 

Beside  a  woodland  alley  ; 
Autumnal  breezes  brisk  and  cool 

Came  brushing  down  the  valley. 

Half  stripped  the  moaning  branches  swayed, 

Their  fickle  foliage  muttered  ; 
And  tawny  swarms  adown  the  glade 

Hew,  trundled,  skipped,  and  fluttered. 

They  fluttered,  trundled,  skipped  and  Hew, 
Tossed,  winnowed,  swept,  and  heapen  ; 

Each  gust  increasing  myriads  blew, 
Each  lull  the  drifts  did  deepen. 

Think  you  upon  the  scene  I  mused, 
Mere  wood-notes  tame  to  borrow, 

Collecting  metaphors  much  used 
For  elegiac  sorrow  ? 

No  !    "When  I  heard  the  branches  sigh, 

And  saw  the  dead  leaves  caper, 
I  thought  of  our  short  Rag  Supply — 

I  said,  "  Here 's  Pulp  for  Paper  !  " 

In  dearth  of  our  material  raw, 

By  Gladstone  clean  forgotten, 
Our  home-grown  substitute  is  straw — 

A  staple  frail  and  rotten. 

Straw's  brittle  fibre  splits  and  tears  ; 

Cheap  prints  employ  but  hate  us  : 
Besides,  the  gritty  silex  wears 

Our  mashing  apparatus. 

Litter  and  literature  contest 

To  keep  the  straw  mart  merry, 
Pitting  the  stable  interest 

Against  the  stationery. 

While  leaves  which,  left  to  rot,  are  lost 

In  fumes  of  noxious  vapour, 
Would  surely  minimise  in  cost 

Material  raw  for  paper. 

A  Paper  Maker 


REPENTANCE  BATHER  TOO  LATE. 

_  Subjoined  is  an  extract  from  a  paragraph  which  may  be  considered 
singular,  as  having  appeared  in  the  Times : — 

"Separation  of  Aged  Couples  in  Workhouses. — At  a  meeting  of  the  Guardians 
of  Greenwich  Union,  held  last  evening,  Mr.  B.  Caster,  chairman,  Mr.  Bassett,  one 
of  the  Woolwich  guardians,  moved,  'That  a  committee  be  appointed  to  consider  and 
report  what  arrangements  can  be  made  for  enabling  married  couples  in  the  work- 
house, both  of  whom  are  over  60  years  of  age,  to  live  with  each  other,  as  the  23rd 
section  of  the  Act  10th  and  11th  of  Victoria,  cap.  109,  declares  it  to  be  illegal  to 
compel  such  married  persons  to  live  apart.' " 

The  Times,  whence  the  foregoing  statement  is  taken,  is,  it  is  necessary 
to  state,  simply  the  Times,  or  as  the  Yankees  say,  the  London  Time's. 
It  is  really  and  truly  the  Times  of  Printing-House  Square.  Had  such  a 
piece  of  news  occurred  to  us  in  an  Irish  Times,  we  might  have  noticed 
it  as  the  record  of  a  truly  Irish  fact.  That  fact,  related  as  having 
occurred  at  Ballybog  or  Ballyblunder,  might  have  been  cited  as  charac- 
teristic of  its  locality.  But,  here,  in  England,  the  Greenwich  and  Wool- 
wich Guardians,  in  quorum  assembled,  arc  moved,  in  the  twenty-fourth 
year  of  Her  Majesty's  reign,  to  consider  and  report  what  arrangements 
can  be  made  for  abolishing  a  practice  which  was  declared  illegal  by  an 
Act  of  the  10th  and  11th.  Surely  this  beats  Banagher,  or  shutting  the 
stable-door  after  the  steed  has  been  stolen,  or  trying  a  man  after  his 
execution,  or  anything  preposterous  that  can  be  well  imagined.  What  is 
the  penalty  attached  to  the  illegal  regulation  which  the  guardians  of  the 
Greenwich  Union,  thus  late  in  the  day,  met  to  talk  about  discontinuing  ? 
Should  they  not  at  the  same  time,  have  been  invited  to  consider  what 
steps  to  take  in  order  to  avoid  the  legal  consequences  which  they  had 
incurred  by  persisting  for  a  long  series  of  years  in  a  course  of  illegal 
inhumanity?  What  would  be  thought  of  a  gang  of  fraudulent  dis- 
tillers holding  a  public  assembly  to  determine  what  arrangements  to 
adopt  in  order,  for  the  future,  to  pay  the  Excise  duty  ;  the  clandestine 
production  of  spirits  having  been  declared  illicit  by  the  statute  in  such 
case  made  and  provided  some  time  ago  ?  But  it  is  one  thing  to  sin 
against  the  Excise  Laws,  and  another  to  sin  against  the  Poor  Law, 
when  the  sin  against  the  latter  is  committed  on  the  side  of  barbarity. 

VOL.  XXI.  ] 


PUNCH'S  PULPIT  LOZENGES. 

Clergymen,  and  students  preparing  1o  take  orders,  are  earnestly 

advised  to  make  a  trial  of  these  lozenges,  which  are  highly  efficacious  in 

making  clear  the  voice,   and  rendering  the  utterance  articulate  and 

distinct.    They  are  also  warranted  to  cure  that  painful  stammering 

and  lingual  hesitation  with  which  so  many  nervous  preachers   are 

afflicted  •  and  to  impart  a  level,  smooth,  and  glib  pronunciation  to  those 

whose  elocution  was  neglected  in  their  childhood,  or  whose  tongues 

j  have  long  been  tied  by  some  impediment  of  speech.    Another  of  their 

benefits  is,  that  they  assist  in  strengthening  the  voice,  and  so  enable 

j  weak-lunged  clergymen  to  make  themselves  distinctly  heard  where 

previously  their  preaching  was  so  utterly  inaudible  that  it  could  do 

i  little  good.     They  act  too  as  preventives  of  that  dropping  of  the  voice 

|  towards  the  close  of  a  long  sentence,  to  which  so  many  parsons  are  so 

!  painfully  addicted  ;  while  at  the  same  time  they  tend  gradually  to  cure 

I  such  oral  failings  as  affected  inability  to  roll  the  letter  R. 

Mr.  Punch  has  at  his  side  a  peck  or  two  of  Testimonials,  which 
I  thoroughly  attest  the  truth  of  the  above  assertions,  and  which,  as 
nobody  of  course  can  be  doubtful  of  his  statements,  he  will  not  insult 
himself  by  putting  into  print.  He  need  only  add,  that  if  one  trial  won't 
prove  the  facts  which  have  been  mentioned,  the  purchaser  will  be  at 
perfect  liberty  to  make  another  ■  and  a  third,  and  even  fourth  or  fifth 
will  be  allowed  to  all  who  put  sufficient  money  in  their  purse. 


Letters   -with  a  Tremendous  Postage  on  Tbem. 

We  see  that  there  is  a  Continental  paper  published  called  the  Corre- 
spondance  Bullycr.  We  do  not  know  what  the  paper  is  like— we  have 
never  seen  a  copy  of  it,  not  even  in  a  Sub-Editor's  room — but  we  should 
say  that  when  an  Italian  gentleman  writes  to  a  lady  to  say  that  she  may 
have  her  letters  back  for  a  certain  sum  say  £2,000,  that  a  demand  of 
that  exacting  nature  takes  very  much  the  form  of  a  Correspondance 
Bullyer. 


154 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[October  19,  1861. 


SURROUNDING    SAVAGES. 

mong  sundry  current 
items  of  intelligence, 
the  two  subjoined  are 
significant  insl  ances 
of  the  retrogression  of 
civilisation  onthe  Con- 
tinent. Accounts  from 
abroad  state  that  :— 

"  Colon  el  Borowitzk  a, 
the  Austrian  Consul,  hav- 
ing shown  disrespect  to 
the  Prince  of  Servia  at 
a  ball,  the  whole  body  of 
Servian  officers  have 
drawn  lots  in  order  to 
decide  which  of  their 
number  should  challenge 
the  Consul  to  a  duel." 

The  servility  of 
these  Servian  officers 
in  thus  drawing  lots 
to  determine  which  of 
them  should  sacrifice 
himself  or  another 
man  to  his  master's 
affronted  dignify,  is 
about  on  a  par  with 
the  self-devotion  of 
the  sable  aborigines 
of  Dahomey  to  their 
dingy  sovereign.  The 
Servian  slave  on 
whom  the  lot  in  this 
idiotic  and  sanguinary 
sortdege  chanced  to 
fall,  was  served  rightly 
if  he  incurred  the  fate 
that  was  experienced 
by  the  other  fool  un- 
dermentioned :  — 

"  Duels  seem  to  be  increasing  in  Germany.  The  Zeit  of  Frankfort  states  that  a  hostile  encounter  lias 
just  been  fought  near  that  city  between  Major  Von  der  Tann,  Chamberlain  to  the  King  of  Bavaria,  and 
an  Austrian  officer,  whose  name  is  not  given.    The  Major  was  shot  in  the  abdomen,  and  soon  after  expired." 

If  the  former  of  these  two  fools,  like  the  latter,  did  get  shot  in  the  abdomen,  and  died 
soon  after,  he  got  less  1  liau  ho  might  have  had,  and  less,  indeed,  than  he  deserved.    He  might 


have  received  a  wound  in  the  abdomen,  which 
would  not  have  been  quite  such  a  coup  de  grace 
as  that  of  which  he  "  soon  after  expired."  He 
might  have  had  his  nose  shot  off,  and  have 
remained  till  death  a  ridiculous  caution  to  duel- 
lists. His  knee  might  have  been  smashed  by 
the  bullet  of  his  adversary,  aud,  his  leg  having 
been  amputated,  he  might  have  had  to  hobble 
through  life  uncheered  by  the  sympathetic  honour 
and  the  liberal  pension  which  are  (sometimes) 
paid  to  the  warrior  maimed  in  battle.  He  might, 
and  in  a  land  less  tolerant  of  murder  would,  have 
been  hanged. 

But  what  if  Servians  challenge  Austrians,  and 
German  and  German  tig-lit  duels,  and  one  German 
shoots  another  in  the  stomach  ?  Let  the  hog  eat 
the  dog,  or  the  dog  eat  the  hog  !  What  matters 
either  event  to  the  British  public  at  large  ?  and 
is  net  the  shortest  possible  comment  on  the  one 
or  the  other  a  mere  bore  to  the  upper  and  fasti- 
dious classes  ?  Are  we  not  guilty  of  virtuous 
indignation  in  even  intimating  any  kind  of  ob- 
jection to  the  practice  of  duelling  ?  Not  Guilty 
— Civilisation  may  recede  here  as  elsewhere — 
who  knows  how  soon  ?  The  "  code  of  honour  " 
may  be  revived.  Any  one  of  us  wise  men  may 
be  liable  to  be  shot  or  stabbed  by  a  blockhead 
and  bully,  once  more,  as  in  time  past,  permitted 
by  society  to  demand  his  honour  or  his  life.  Dis- 
approbation of  duelling,  based  on  a  ground  so 
purely  selfish  as  this,  is  not  to  be  sneered  at. 


Avaricious  Greed  for  Office. 

Sir  Henry  Muggeridge  was  confidentially 
asked  what  was  his  private  opinion  of  the  Lord 
Mayor  allowing  himself  to  be  put  up  a  second 
time  for  election,  when  the  baulked  Baronet 
answered  somewhat  snappishly,  "  Oh  !  it 's  just 
like  his  Cubittity  !  " 


The  Height  oe  Egotism. — Sptjrgeon  lec- 
turing on  the  Gorilla. 


THE  NEW  TEMPLE  FOUNTAIN. 
<Sn  Emaginarg  Conucvsation. 

JOHNSON.        BOSWELL, 

Boswell  (as  they  walk  in  the  Temple  Gardens).  Are  you  aware,  Dr- 
Johnson,  that  our  worthy  Benchers  have  been  beautifying  the  Fountain 
yonder  ? 

_  Johnson.  Sir,  the  statement  was  yesterday  made  to  me  by  some 
frivolous  person,  who,  like  yourself,  loves  to  impart  small  news.  Let 
us  verify  it,  however. 

Boswell  (when  they  have  reached  the  fountain).  Well,  I  don't  think  it 
is  so  bad. 

Johnson.  Finish  your  sentence.  Sir.  Valueless  as  may  be  your  senti- 
ments, let  them  be  clothed  in  decent  garb.     Finish  your  sentence. 

Boswell.  I  thought  1  had  done  so,  Sir. 

Johnson.  You  can  have  given  no  thought  to  the  subject,  Sir,  or  you 
would  not  make  such  an  assertion.  You  said  that  you  did  not  think  this 
hydraulic  edification  so  bad.  Explain  your  adverb.  "  So  "  may  imply  in 
like  manner,  in  such  a  degree,  in  such  a  manner,  in  the  same  manner, 
therefore,  provided  that,  thus,  in  noting  comparison. 

Boswell.  Might  I  venture  to  submit— 

Johnson.  You  will  submit  upon  all  occasions,  Sir,  as  becomes  your 
ignorance.  But,  ha !  ha !  don't  look  downcast,  You  are  assured  of 
the  friendliness  of  my  regards  even  when  my  diction  seems  incompa- 
tible with  esteem.    Enough  of  this.    What  do  you  mean  by  so  bad  ? 

Boswell.  Forgive  me  if  I  venture  to  contend,  even  against  my  vene- 
rated friend  Dr.  Johnson,  that  colloquially  I  am  justified  in  using  the 
adverb  implying  comparison,  without  the  corresponding  word  as,  to 
render  the  degree  definite. 

Johnson.  Nay,  Sir,  if  you  are  gravely  defending  your  folly,  I  have 
done.  Sociality  may  extend  indulgence  to  mirth,  but  morality  prohibits 
the  toleration  oi  effrontery. 

Boswell.  I  spoke  unguardedly,  Sir.  Perhaps,  in  my  own  mind,  I 
supplied  the  comparison,  and  meant  that  tins  fountain,  as  now  adorned, 
is  not  so  bad  as  I  had  expected  to  find  it. 


Johnson.  That,  Sir,  is  at  once  a  lucid  and  a  fair  expression  of  opinion. 

Boswell.  Your  approbation,  Sir,  makes  me  happy  indeed.  (Wipes 
his  eyes.)  Yet  I  don't  know,  Sir,  that  I  entirely  approve  the  alteration. 
The  old  long  single  stream,  to  which  we  had  been  for  years  accustomed, 
is  now  bedizened,  and  the  nymph  of  the  fountain  can  hardly  recognise 
her  haunt. 

Johnson.  A  pleasant  classical  phrase.  Yet,  remember,  if  she  be  a 
woman,  that  she  must  rejoice  in  any  additioii  of  finery. 

Boswell.  Most  true,  Sir.  Your  knowledge  of  human  nature  is  mar- 
vellous. 

Johnson.  I  confess  that  I  share  your  prejudice.  Yet  those  nude  boys 
sustaining  the  shell  whence  the  water  rises,  to  fall  back  upon  the  two 
basins,  with  a  sound  which  has  aptly  been  compared  to  the  penta- 
meter— 

"  In  the  pentameter  aye  falling'  in  melody  back." 

— you  observe  the  scanning,  Sir— I  say  that  those  unclad  children,  the 
shell,  the  basins,  and  the  general  effect  are  not  unpleasing,  though  there 
is  an  utter  absence  of  originality  in  the  design,  and  no  remarkable 
elegance  in  the  execution. 

Boswell.  It  looks  like  an  importation  from  the  New  Road. 

Johnson.  The  New  Road,  Sir,  is  now  called  by  another  name,  and, 
moreover,  1  am  unaware  that  the  atmosphere  of  St.  Marvlebone  is  more 
unfavourable  to  art  than  that  of  any  other  vicinity.  Clear  your  mind 
of  cant,  Sir. 

Boswell.  You  are  unjust,  Sir.  I  meant  to  imply  that  the  work  before 
us  resembled  not  so  much  that  of  the  sculptor,  engaged  to  illustrate  a 
certain  idea  for  a  certain  purpose,  as  that  of  the  tradesman  who  keeps 
so  much  stone  in  stock,  for  sale  to  any  person  who  may  wish  to  erect 
tomb,  memorial,  tribute,  or  landmark. 

Johnson.  You  have  defended  yourself  ably  and  boldly,  Sir,  and  you 
have  fairly  characterised  the  abomination  before  us.  In  proof  of  my 
satisfaction,  I  will  go  with  you,  if  you  please,  to  the  Mitre,  and  you 
shall  stand  treat  for  a  bottle  of  port  wine. 

Boswell.  Most  gladly,  Sir.—  (Aside.  I  dare  not  tell  the  great  Samuel 
Johnson  that  I  should  prefer  his  standing  Sam.)    Let  us  go,  Sir. 

Johnson.  And,  like  Horace,  pour  a  Libation  in  honour  of  the  fountain. 

\JExeunt. 


October  19,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHA 


155 


EXTRACT    FROI 

"  We  can't  help  fancying  that  foreign  sovereigns  who  pay  Queen  Victoria  a  visit 
must  find  in  the  habits  of  our  Court  a  striking  contrast  to  those  of  the  Courts  of 
other  countries.  Do  they  never  grow  tired  of  walking  on  the  slopes?  Don't  they 
long  for  something  brilliant  and  exciting  in  the  way  of  a  hunt  by  torchlight,  a 
review  of  fifty  thousand  men,  a  masquerade,  or  a  banquet  of  a  hundred  and  fifty 
covers?  Her  Majesty's  sideboard  of  plate  is  very  magnificent,  and  she  has,  of 
course,  a  first-rate  cook  and  a  first-rate  cellar  ;  but  we  are  given  to  understand  that 
Royal  dinner  parties  in  England  are  rather  dreary  affairs,  and  that,  when  compared 
to  the  joyous  feasts  of  the  Continent,  they  would  appear  to  be  composed  of  funeral 
baked  meats." — Daity  Telegraph. 

R.  Punch,  ever  vigilant, 
and  jealous  of  the 
honour  of  his  Sove 
reign  and  friend, 
lighted  upon  _  the 
above  remarks  in  a 
■very  smart  leading 
article  in  the  Daily 
Telegraph  one  day 
last  week.  He  hast- 
ens to  set  the  writer 
right,  quamprimum. 
There  is  no  neces- 
sity for  him  to  help 
fancying  that  our 
Queen's  Court  is 
different  from  other 
Courts  ;  but  who- 
ever "gave"  him  to 
understand  that  a 
Royal  dinner-party 
in  England,  under 
certain  circum- 
stances, is  a  dreary 
affair,  made  him  a 
present  of  a  value- 
less character.  But 
the  result  does  de- 
pend upon  circum- 
those  circumstances  are  the  presence  and  affability  of  a 
somewhat  marked  nose,   and  no  clumsy  expansion  or 


ordinary  merits  and  graces  of  boiled  oysters,  which  is  a  dish  he  heard 
of  early  in  the  year,  and  said  that  he  would  ask  me  to  taste  at  his 
house,  when  those  bivalves  came  in  again.  He  said  that  a  good  old 
Aunt  had  told  him  of  it,  ou  which  Lokd  Clarendon  quoted  Pope, 
rather  more  happily  than  civilly  : — 

"  Let  me  extol  a  cat  on  oysters  fed." 

I  capped  the  line,  looking  at  Johnny  Russell — 

''  I  '11  have  a  party  at  the  Bedford  Head." 

"  '  So  you  shall,'  he  said,  very  good-naturedly,  '  and  the  sooner  the 
better.'  His  heart 's  in  the  right  place,  that  John.  But  we  could  not 
settle  whether  the  beards  were  to  be  taken  off,  and  were  divided  into 
Shavers  and  Non-shavers.  George  Lewis  thinks  that  the  English 
oysters,  eaten  by  the  Romans,  must  have  been  pickled,  and  also  quoted 
that  queer  bit  of  Cicero  about  oysters  increasing  and  decreasing  with 
the  moon — cum  limci '  par  iter  crescunt.  What  a  memory  that  cove  has  ! 
After  dinner,  I  sang  them  a  few  impromptu  songs,  some  of  them 
exceedingly  clever  and  happy,  and  they  shrieked  at  some  of  the  rhymes, 
e.g.— 

"  And  there  sits  a  man  who  by  no  means  a  Jew  is, 
Though  he  has  a  long  nose,  I  allude  to  G.  L.,  &c. 

and  I  made  a  capital  one  on.  the  E.  M. 

•'  Our  Prince  is  a  Marshal,  but  never  can  say 
The  ugly  word  No,  so  he 's  not  Marshal  Nay." 

An  epigram  which  I  do  not  remember  to  have  seen  equalled.  '  0,  can't 
he,'  said  Princess  Alice,  naively.  The  evening  was  a  delightful  one, 
and  when  Clarendon  and  I  lit  our  cigars  on  the  step,  I  was  astonished 
to  see  that  it  was  twelve  o'clock.  However,  nullum  tempus  ~Regi?ue.  Got 
home,  and  found  a  splendid  diamond  pin,  sent  with  a  respectful  message, 
by  Mr.  Spurgeon.  Gave  it  to  my  valet,  but  made  memorandum  to 
give  Spurgeon  a  puff  one  of  these  days.  Slept  well,  the  Palace  wine 
never  does  me  any  harm,  and  yet  I  must  have  drunk  eight  or  nine 
bottles,  without  counting  the  maraschino,  which  I  always  drink  out  of 
a  silver  pint-pot." 

Now,  what  does  our  friend  of  the  lelegraph  think  of  Palatial 
dreariness  ? 


In  a  word,  when  Punch  is  present,  no 


stances,  _  and 

guest  with  a 

ungainly  elevation  of  figure 

divinity  is  absent.  _  ~  "  ~ZZ 

He  has  not  troubled  his  gracious  Mistress  and  Eriend  with  an  electric 
message  to  ask  leave  to  make  this  revelation,  but  ventures  at  once  to 
give  such  an  idea  of  a  Royal  dinner-party,  when  he  is  there,  as  will 
dispel  the  uncomfortable  surmises  of  his  friend  of  the  Telegraph.  He 
refers  to  his  own  private  Diary  for  an  entry  respecting  one  of  his  late 
visits  at  the  Palace,  a  diary,  by  the  way,  which  will  be  published 
one  of  these  days,  with  effects  which  it  is  almost  too  awful  to  con- 
template : — 

"  June  27.  Thursday.  Pam  with  me  all  the  afternoon,  making  jokes 
and  asking  advice.  Sketched  a  speech  for  him  on  the  *  *  *  *  question. 
He  told  me  some  very  good  things  about  J.  R.,  and  his  funny  Erench, 
and  how,  asking  what  '  Concierge]  over  a  door  at  the  Louvre,  meant, 
and  being  told  '  Porter,'  said  it  was  very  thoughtful  of  the  authorities 
to  keep  porter  there  for  the  students,  so  as  to  save  them  the  trouble  of 
running  out  for  refreshment.  Pam  wanted  to  write  something  for  this 
week's  number,  but  I  would  not  displace  anything  to  make  room  for 
him,  smart  as  he  is.  George  Lewis  came  in,  and  we  three  played  at 
leap-frog  for  half  an  hour,  when  Lewis  stopped  the  game  to  explain 
the  athletic  sports  of  the  Ancient  Greeks,  and  was  very  profound  on 
the  Quinquertium,  or  five  exercises.  He  also  offered  to  do  a  review  of 
Gladstone's  Homeric  book  for  us,  promising,  needlessly,  to  cut  it  up 
uncommon ;  but  as  he  did  not  think  he  could  do  it  in  less  than  thirty 
columns,  I  didn't  seem  to  see  it.  Dressed,  and  to  the  Palace  to  dinner. 
The  Q.  was  looking  exceedingly  well,  and  was  full  of  kindness  and 
appreciation  of  me,  as  usual.  E.  M.  seemed  bored ;  I  suspect  a  Bishop 
had  been  bothering  him.  The  children  enchanted  to  see  me,  as  always. 
Large  party  to  meet  some  King  or  other ;  he  was  presented  to  me,  but 
I  did  not  catch  his  name,  and  forgot  to  ask,  but  he  seemed  respectful 
and  willing  to  oblige.  Pam  sat  next  to  him,  and  at  intervals  I  heard 
Master  Pam  giving  him  pleasant  little  hints  that  he  must  dismiss  his 
Cabinet,  or  would  be  in  a  mess — that  fellow  Pam's  coolness  is  incon- 
ceivable. I  told  them  a  few  things  out  of  the  next  Number,  and  of 
course  there  was  a  roar ;  but  I  will  not  do  this  again  when  the  Bishop 
of  Oxford  is  at  table,  for  I  know  he  passes  them  off  to  the  Archdeacons 
as  his  own ;  and  though  he_  is  an  excellent  fellow,  this  is  not  right. 
The  Prince  gave  a  capital  imitation  of  Buckstone,  supposing  him  to 
be  delivering  a  lecture  on  OoKtes  before  a  scientific  association. 
Johnny  Russell  tried  a  joke  about  '  primitive  trap,'  but  it  was  not 
very  neat,  and  Pam  told  him  so ;  but  Johnny  had  his  revenge  after- 
waids  with  a  hit  at  the  Constable  about  Cupid-ity,  only  nobody  under- 
stood it.    Lord  Shaftesbury  was  very  emphatic  about  the  extra- 


EXOTIC  SLANG. 


Those  Continental  telegrams  will  be  the  death  of  us.  One  of  them, 
sent  from  Paris  a  few  days  since,  having  announced  that  numerous 
arrivals  of  grain  from  Liverpool  had  been  reported  at  Marseilles, 
appended  to  that  statement  the  following  remark : — 

"  These  arrivals  allow  us  to  hope  that  the  alimentary  crisis  is  about  to  enter  a 
subsiding  phase." 

"  Down  again  to  2>d.  even  money,"  is  the  English  expression  of  the 
state  of  things  expressed  in  the  foregoing  jargon  as  the  "subsiding 
phase"  about  to  be  entered  by  the  "alimentary  crisis."  Li  such 
jargon  the  word  "  complications "  is  one  of  frequent  occurrence. 
"  interpellations"  is  another.  Is  it  too  much  of  an  "  interpellation" 
to  ask  whether  the  worst  conceivable  "  complication "  is  not  that 
which  is  formed  by  phraseology  like  that  above  quoted  ? 


IMPORTANT  TO  OLD  LADIES. 

We  are  no  doubt  indebted  to  our  excellent  system  of  railway 
management  for  the  appearance  of  the  subjoined  notification  in  the 
Times: — 

A  CCIDENTS    are   ALWAYS   OCCURRING.— The  WORLD  INSTJ- 

-£*-  RANCE  COMPANY  insures  compensation  in  case  of  death  or  disability  from 
accidents. 

Considering,  however,  all  that  is  involved  in  the  idea  of  World 
Insurance,  we  should  like  to  know  whether  or  no  the  World  Insurance 
Company  is  a  speculation  which  has  been  got  up  by  any  of  the  popular 
writers  on  prophecy  who,  in  works  which  appear  to  command  a  large 
sale,  are  continually  announcing  the  final  conflagration  ot  the  Globe. 
Is  Dr.  Gumming,  whose  eye  to  the  main  chance  is  as  sharp  as  his 
apocalyptic  second  sight,  a  shareholder  in  the  World  Insurance 
Company  ? 

A  Female  Fanatic  for  Music. 

We  have  succeeded  at  last  in  solving  a  life-long  enigma.  _  After  years 
of  patient  investigation  we  have  been  rewarded  in  finding  out  the 
true  motive  that  induced,  the  Old  Lady  to  part  with  her  Piano,  and  buy 
a  mangle  with  it.  We  rejoice  excessively  in  discovering  that  such  a 
sacrifice  was  only  done  from  an  excess  of  devotion  to  her  art,  that  she 
might  be  the  better  enabled  for  the  future  to  turn  all  her  energies  and 
thoughts  exclusively  to  her  Handel  ! ! !  -  [This  Correspondent  has  written 
his  last  for  these  pages,  but  may  address  us  privately  from  Tasmania, 
or  wherever  he  may  have  wisely  taken  himself  off  to.] 


156 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[October  19,  1861. 


THE  GERMAN  FLEET. 

{To  a  Little  Fatherland  Lubber.) 

And  did  the  little  German  cry 

I  want  to  have  a  Fleet  ? 
A  Navy  in  his  little  eye  ? 

Oh,  what  a  grand  conceit ! 
Well ;  if  he  '11  promise  to  be  good, 

His  wish  he  shall  enjoy ; 
See  here 's  a  ship  cut  out  of  wood : 

A  proper  German  toy. 

The  prettiest  fleet  that  e'er  was  seen 

Shall  be  at  his  command  ; 
This  is  the  type  of  that  marine 

That  best  fits  Fatherland. 
'Twill  crown  his  aspirations  fond, 

And  realise  his  dream  : 
"Twill  crest  the  waves  of  every  pond  : 

And  ride  each  rippling  stream. 

But  then  his  Fatherland's  extent 

His  Navy  must  confine, 
And  his  ambition  must  be  pent 

Within  its  bounding  line. 
To  covet  Schleswig  he  must  cease, 

Holstein  no  more  desire ; 
And  not  disturb  his  neighbours  peace, 

To  play  at  sword  and  fire. 

To  man  his  ships  there  needs  no  crew 

Of  highly  seasoned  tars  ; 
That 's  well  where  Neptune's  sons  are  few 

He  wants  but  sons  of  Mars, 
In  Fatherland  to  hold  his  own, 

And  keep  the  foeman's  feet 
From  off  that  stream  whose  banks  alone 

Demand  a  German  Fleet. 


RELAXATION. 

Scene— Smokirig  Room.     Country  House.     2-30  a.m. 

Country  Friend  (to  Johnson,  who  has  had  a  long  tramp  of  it  in  the  rain  after  wild 
birds).  "  Well,  good  night,  old  fellow  !  if  you  won't  have  another  Weed. 
Remember  ! — Cub-hunting  in  the  Morning,  half-cast  five.     Don't  be  late  !  " 


False  Eeport. 

We  are  authorised  to  contradict  a  rumour  which  is 
current  that  the  piece  called  Mischief  Making,  now  in  play 
at  the  Olympic,  was  originally  written  by  liis  Holiness  the 
Pope,  and  that  its  title  bears  allusion  to  the  part  which  lie 
is  playing  in  the  drama  of  Italian  Freedom,  just  brought 
out. 


HEY  EOE  DISHABILLE  ! 

"Mr.  Punch, 

"  An  eminent  Metropolitan  tailor  advertises  a  morning 
costume  '  For  Gentlemen,'  described  as  '  a  Negligee  Milled  Tweed 
Suit,  consisting  of  a  Cape,  Jacket,  Vest,  and  Trousers,  the  charge  being 
Two  Guineas.'  This,  I  suppose,  is  the  sort  of  dress  in  which,  worn  on 
the  boulevards  at  Paris,  and  on  other  pavements  in  foreign  parts  where 
dandies  most  do  congregate,  our  countrymen  are  wont  to  astonish  the 
French  and  the  rest  of  the  Continental  natives,  and  afford  them  harmless 
amusement,  to  the  disgust  of  other  less  independent  and  more  sensitive 
Englishmen. 

"For  my  part,  Sir,  I  do  not  by  any  means  concur  with  those  thin- 
skinned  Britons  who  have  lately  been  complaining  of  the  plain  but 
picturesque  attire  which  generally  distinguishes  our  tourists  abroad. 
In  my  opinion,  the  customary  and  characteristic  garb  of  the  English 
traveller  combines  elegance  with  economy  in  the  most  desirable  pro- 
portions ;  the  ratio  of  economy  considerably  preponderating  over  that 
of  elegance.  Comfort,  durability,  and  cheapness  are  the  primary  recom- 
mendations of  clothes  all  over  the  world.  Appearance  is  a  secondary, 
or  a  tertiary,  or  a  still  minor  consideration.  Young  men  are  now 
adopting  very  rational  habits,  that  is  to  say,  habiliments.  In  so  doing 
they  ought  to  be  encouraged.  When  I  was  a  young  buck,  or  at  least 
the  contemporary  of  young  bucks,  my  associates  were  very  commonly 
accustomed  to  run  up  tailors'  bills,  which  their  fathers  had  to  pay.  To  be 
sure,  I  never  did  such  a  thing  myself,  and  perhaps  I  am  rewarded  for  it 
now,  when  I  contemplate  with  satisfaction  the  inexpensive  rig  of  my  own 
boys,  who  are  a  credit,  and  not  a  debt,  to  their  affectionate  governor. 

"  There  is  little  difference,  I  believe,  between  the  domestic  costume 
of  our  young  fellows  and  that  in  which  they  use  to  exhibit  themselves 
to  grinning  foreigners.  Not  quite  so  in  respect  to  girls.  Pattered 
hats  and  amorphous  Crinolines  are  mere  accidents  of  travel.  They  are 
phenomena  whose  causation  depends  on  laws  whereof  the  operation  is 
determined  by  the  dimensions  of  trunks  and  bandboxes.    They  never 


appear  on  the  other  side  of  the  Channel,  any  more  than  on  this,  other- 
wise than  altogether  against  the  inclination  of  the  wearers.  My  sons 
I  have  no  occasion  to  complain  of  on  the  ground  of  their  excess  of 
apparel.  I  wish  I  could  say  as  much  for  my  daughters.  I  should  be 
very  glad  if  they  would  be  a  little  less  particular  about  the  shape  of  the 
hats  and  Crinolines  wherein  they  are  wont  to  court  public  admiration 
at  home,  and  would  accordingly  be  content  to  wear  those,  and  all  other 
articles  of  clothing,  about  ten  times  longer  than  they  do  at  present. 

"  In  conclusion,  let  me  observe  that  the  state  of  the  human  skin  is 
of  much  more  importance  than  the  hue  and  texture  of  any  fabric  which 
may  invest  it.  Our  Continental  neighbours,  at  a  hotel  or  a  lodging- 
house,  as  a  rule,  allow  yon  about  as  much  water  for  the  purpose  of 
washing  yourself  as  what  just  suffices  for  cleaning  your  teeth.  This  is 
Christian  conduct  of  them,  no  doubt.  I  believe  theydo  as  they  would 
be  done  by.  They  may  ridicule  the  cut  and  the  tints  of  a  Briton's 
raiment;  but  how  about  what  underlies  that  rough  exterior,  on  the  one 
hand,  and  their  own  elegant  externals,  on  the  other  ?  What  is  the  colour 
of  our  respective  skins  ?  Will  they  institute  comparisons  ?  Ou  whose 
side  wdl  the  laugh  be  then  ?  Well,  perhaps  on  theirs  still.  _  They  will 
deride  us  absurd  Englishmen  for  neglecting  our  dress,  which  is  seen, 
whilst  we  carefully  wash  and  cleanse  the  surface  of  our  bodies,  which,  on 
the  Boulevards  and  other  fashionable  places,  is  not  seen.  Never  mind. 
Let  those  laugh  that  win.  A  penny  saved  is  a  penny  got ;  and  milled 
Tweed  suits,  at  two  guineas,  if  they  will  only  do  duty  a  sufficient  length 
of  time,  are  the  clothes  for  the  money  of  «  Paterfamilias." 


A  Fleet  that  Doesn't  Make  much  Way. 

Landlubber.  And  where  is  this  German  Fleet  I  read  so  much  about  ? 
Seafaring  Cove.  Off  Good  Hope,  Sir ;  and  there  it  has  been  sticking, 
to  my  knowledge,  Sir,  for  years  past,  and  you  may  take  my  word  for  it, 
Sir,  it  will  never  get  much  further  than  that. 

{The  Landlubber  is  perfectly  contented  with  the  bondfide-iiess  oi 
his  nautical  friend's  information. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— October  19,  1861. 


THE    GERMAN   FLEET. 


Me.  Punch  (to  Small  German).   "THERE'S  A  SHIP  POR  YOU,  MY  LITTLE  MAN— NOW  CUT  AWAY,  AND  DON'T 

GET  IN  A  MESS." 


October  19,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


159 


A    FAITHFUL    SPIRIT 

THAT  CAN  MAKE  HIMSELF  GENERALLY  USEFUL. 

idling  to  make  them- 
selves generally  useful, 
"  the  Spirits,"  from 
rapping  have  now  got 
to  drawing  and  paint- 
ing. They  can  take 
portraits  too,  without 
ever  having  seen  the 
original.  This  is  most 
marvellous,  but  then 
everything  is  possible 
in  the  Spiritual  world. 
There  seems  to  be  no 
limit  to  their  accom- 
plishments. We  sup- 
pose we  shall  have 
spirits  next  who  will 
cut  our  hair,  and  shave 
us,  and  call  us  early  in 
the  morning,  and  cook 
our  breakfasts,  and  run 
errands,  and  answer 
our  correspondence  for 
us. 

In  fact,"why  not  keep 
a  Spirit-of-all-work  in 
the  house ;  one  who 
should  combine  the 
respective  offices  of  maid,  cook,  valet,  commissionnaire,  boots,  and  se- 
cretary ?  It  would  be  very  serviceable,  would  get  over  the  perpetual 
annoyance  of  domestics,  and  would  effect  a  material  saving  in  wages 
in  the  course  of  the  year.  Consider,  too,  what  an  economy  in  board 
alone  there  would  be !— for  one  of  the  most  remarkable  things  is,  that 
these  Spirits  do  not  require  anything  to  eat  or  drink.  There  is  no  agree- 
ment required  for  tea  or  sugar,  or  so  much  beer  per  diem.  They  live 
on  air ;  even  London  air  doesn't  seem  to  disagree  with  them. 

Another  advantage  is,  that  they  would  execute  their  work  without 
the  smallest  noise.  They  do  not  slam  doors,  or  tramp  heavily  up  and 
down  the  stairs,  or  chat  over  the  area-railings  with  the  housemaids  of 
next  door.  They  have,  also,  a  great  respect  for  property !  You  never 
hear  of  a  Spirit  breaking  anything,  unless  it  may  be  a  nervous  person's 
repose.  "  Breakages  "  in  a  respectable  establishment,  where  a  good, 
stout,  active  Spirit  was  kept,  would  be  unknown.  The  poor  "  cat " 
would  be  no  longer  calumniated  by  having  all  the  broken  things  put 
upon  its  broad  innocent  back.  The  work  would  be  done  noiselessly, 
breathlessly,  without  your  being  even  aware  that  any  one  was  moving 
about  the  house.  The  vexed  question  of  "  Followers "  would  be 
effectually  put  to  rest.  The  only  difficulty  that  we  can  foresee  would 
be  in  satisfying  oneself  as  to  Its  character.  It  might  be  a  delicate 
question  to  ask  the  Spirit  where  had  been  "  its  last  place,"  and  how 
long  it  had  been  there  ? 

But  touching  the  drawing  and  painting.  Here  is  a  proof  of  the 
Spirits'  newly-developed  artistic  power,  which  we  take  from  the  Sep- 
tember number  of  the  Spiritual  Magazine.  It  is  so  exquisitely  rich, 
that  we  are  sure  the  reader,  who  loves  a  bit  of  fun.,  will  not  quarrel 
with  us  for  taking  it  in  extenso  :— 

."In  the  Banner  of  Light,  of  February  2,  I  read  a  communication  in  regard  to 
spirit-painting,  by  J.  B.  Fayette,  Esq.,  of  Oswego,  N.Y.  Being  very  anxious  to  get 
the  portrait  of  my  spirit-mother,  and  having  had  a  communication  from  her  to  the 
effect  that  she  would  sit  for  Mr.  F.  on  the  25th  of  February,  I  simply  wrote  to  Mr.  F., 
stating  that  I  wished  to  have  the  portrait  of  my  spirit-mother,  and  that  she  would 
sit  for  him  on  the  day  above-named.  Some  three  weeks  ago  I  received  a  letter  from 
Mr.  Fayette,  stating  that  he  received,  on  the  day  appointed,  the  portrait  of  a  lady, 
giving  a  description  of  it.  I  immediately  sent  for  it,  and  have  it  now  in  my  posses- 
sion. My  surprise  can  be  imagined,  when,  on  opening  the  box,  I  recognised  in  it 
a  true  portrait  of  my  spirit-mother — true  and  perfect  in  every  particular. 

"  Now  the  most  remarkable  feature  is  this  ;  My  mother  was  born  in  Germany, 
and  died  there  about  eleven  years  ago.  Her  portrait  was  never  taken  in  her  lifetime, 
and  her  attire  was  entirely  different  from  any  fashion  in  this  country.  Mr.  Fay- 
ette knew  nothing  of  all  this.  To  my  astonishment  and  delight,  the  painting 
exhibits  not  only  the  true  and  perfect  likeness  of  my  mother,  but  even  the  particular 
fashion  of  her  dress,  and  the  veiy  one  that  she  used  to  wear  before  her  last  sickness. 

"  Any  one  who  wishes  can  see  it  at  any  time  by  calling  at  my  residence. 

"St.  Louis,  Mo.,  April,  1861."  "  Christian  Fischbach." 

Granting  the  above  to  be  true— and  we  should  be  sorry  to  doubt  it 
for  fear  of  raising  all  the  Spiritualists,  like  a  swarm  of  gnats,  about  our 
ears — there  is  an  end  to  portrait-painting.  Who  will  patronise  what 
we  may  call  flesh-brushes,  when  you  can  have  a  painting  from  a 
Spirit  R.A.  without  the  trouble  of  sitting?  Photography,  too,  will 
be  summarily  knocked  on  the  head.  We  wouder  that  the  Council  of 
the  National  Portrait  Gallery  does  not  patronise  this  new  branch  of  the 
arts.  Through  this  spiritual  agency  they  could  liave  "  true  and  per- 
fect likenesses  "  of  all  our  great  men,  instead  of  buying  dubious  copies ; 


and,  moreover,  the  "particular  fashion"  of  each  one's  dress  would  be 
stamped  upon  them. 

It  is  a  great  pity  that  J.  B.  Payette,  Esq.,  of  Oswego,  N.  Y.,  does 
not  live  in  London,  or  else  we  would  instantly  give  him  an  order  to 
execute  us  portraits  of  all  our  ancestors  up  to  the  time  of  Adam 
inclusive,  with  "  the  particular  fashion  of  the  dress  "  of  each  particular 
period.    It  would  be  immensely  interesting,  and  indisputably  authentic. 

Oh  !  Spirit  of  Humbug— for  such  is  Spiritualism  to  our  vulgar  eyes 
— we  wonder  what  will  be  thy  next  little  caper  ? 


OUR  DRAMATIC  CORRESPONDENT. 

"  Dear  Punch, 

"  The  annual  emigration  is  very  nearly  over,  and  London  is 
receiving  back  its  travelling  inhabitants.  The  West  End  is  of  course 
in  a  great  measure  still  vacant,  and  the  blinds  are  down  in  all  its  lordly 
streets  and  squares.  Such  of  its  habitues  as  chance  to  be  in  town  seem 
rather  more  than  commonly  afflicted  with  ennui.  Solitude  is  apt  to 
conjure  up  blue  devils,  and  a  Swell  adrift  in  London  hi  desolate  October 
falls  an  easy  victim  to  the  azure  fiends.  Curiosity  inciting  me  to  visit 
Rotten  Row,  I  last  week  walked  along  it,  and  met  nobody  but  nurse- 
maids. Not  a  horse  was  visible  as  far  as  eye  could  reach,  and  the  sole 
thing  to  remind  one  of  the  glories  of  the  place  was  the  presence  of  two 
Swells  sitting  languidly  on  chairs,  and  pitching  stones  at  a  short  pipe 
stuck  upright  in  the  path.  Perchance  a  thought  of  old  'Aunt  Sally' 
had  inspired  them  to  this  sport,  and  they  were  thinking  of  the  pic-nics 
they  had  graced  in  the  past  season,  and  the  elegant  amusements  they 
had  revelled  in  thereat.  I  did  not  hear  them  speak,  but  one  can  easily 
conceive  the  conversation  that  were  likely  with  them ;  how  they  voted 
London  in  October  juiced  slow,  and  considered  it  a  hawid  baw  having 
to  remain  in  it.  Poor  fish  out  of  water !  Of  course  'twere  no  use 
talking  of  theatres  to  them.  I  never  saw  a  Swell  appear  amused  by  any 
acting,  and  excepting  when  he  has  to  go  as  escort  in  the  season,  I 
doubt  if  any  box-keeper  ever  gets  a  sixpence  from  him. 

"  But  the  West  End  is  not  solely  inhabited  by  Swells,  for  there  are 
wise  men  from  the  East  who  have  taken  up  their  quarters  there.  And 
they  and  Central  Londoners  have  mostly  winged  then-  homeward  flight, 
and,  after  some  six  weeks  of  a  quiet  sea-side  life,  a  few_  hours  at  a 
theatre  seem  unusually  tempting  to  them.  The  only  question  is,  where 
had  they  better  go  ?  and.  if  they  expect  to  be  guided  by  the  newspapers, 
I  fear  their  expectations  will  be  difficult  to  realise.  Casting  my  eye 
down  a  column  of  the  Times,  I  see  it  stated  that  one  play  has  '  nightly 
been  received  with  tumultuous  applause,'  and  another  has  '  achieved 
an  unprecedented  triumph,'  whde  a  third  has  been  '  pronounced  by  the 
entire  public  press '  to  De  the  cleverest  production  ever  witnessed  on 
the  stage.  Where  all  is  so  superlative,  it  is  difficult  of  course  to  guess 
which  is  the  best ;  and  Paterfamilias  must  often  throw  his  Times  down 
in  despair,  and  decide  where  he  shall  go  by  means  of  a  toss-up. 

"  What  effect  these  puff  advertisements  may  have  on  minds  in 
general,  I  am  not  gifted  with  sufficient  mental  insight  to  conjecture. 
To  me  they  are  deterrent  rather  than  attractive,  for  puffery  in  any 
shape  is  hateful  in  my  eyes.  For  this  reason,  may  be,  I  went  last  week 
to  the  Olympic,  which  is  about  the  only  theatre  whence  no  puff  ever 
emanates.  Its  advertisements  state  simply  what  is  to  be  played,  and 
what  actors  are  to  play  it ;  and  the  managers  abstain  from  blowing  their 
own  trumpets,  thinking  very  wisely  that  such  blasts  are  little  hstened 
to,  and  still  less  applauded. 

"  To  go  to  the  Olympic  and  not  see  Mr.  Robson  seems  like  going  to 
the  Lord  Mayor's  and  not  seeing  any  turtle.  But  Mb.  Robson  is, 
unfortunately,  far  too  ill  to  act ;  and  Mr.  Emden  is  obliged  to  do  the 
best  he  can  without  him.  When  the  main  prop  of  a  house  is  suddenly 
withdrawn,  it  is  not  an  easy  matter  at  once  to  find  a  substitute, 
and  the  system  of  architecture  that  makes  a  house  dependent  on  one 
main  prop  may  be  open  to  criticism.  Mb.  Emden  has,  however,  suc- 
ceeded very  fairly  in  his  improvised  attempt,  and  deserves  that  due 
success  should  succeed  to  his  exertions.  The  new  Jack  of'  all  Trades 
is  a  pleasant  little  piece,  and  its  hero,  the  travelling  tinker  who's 
made  gentleman,  is  exceedingly  well  played  by  Mr.  H.  Neville, 
whose  name  is  new  to  London,  but  will  soon,  I  think,  be  popular.  He 
has  a  pleasant  voice  and  bearing,  acts  freshly,  and  with  force,  and  when 
pathetic  keeps  his  pathos  within  reasonable  bounds.  If  I  mistakej 
not,  Mr.  Neville  is  an  actor  of  some  promise,  and  if  he  exerts  himself 
will  prove  of  value  to  the  stage.  L'ght  Comedians  just  now  are  not  so 
plentiful  as  partridges,  and  any  one  who  shows  a  sign  of  acting  like  a 
gentleman  is  to  be  welcomed  and  encouraged  to  act  his  very  best." 

"  One  who  Pays." 


A  Deep  Investment. 

A  Newspaper  paragraph  has  been  giving  an  elaborate  account  of 
some  "Wonderful  Discoveries"  that  have  been  made  in  the  Isthmus 
of  Suez.  The  most  curious  thing  for  us  would  be  to  see  some  of  the 
money  turn  up  which  Mons.  de  Lesseps  has  been  sinking  there. 


LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[October  19,  1861. 


CURIOUS   ECHO   AT   THE  SH0EED1TCH   STATION. 

Traveller.  "Porter!  Porter!" 

Echo.  "  Don't  you  wish  you  may  get  him  ? " 


A  CURIOUS  MIXTURE. 

In  the  news  from  Spain,  we  read  in  Thursday's 
Times  as  follows  : — 

"  The  Queen  bad  ordered  the  Princess  Dos  a  Concep- 
tion, whose  illness  had  been  announced,  to  be  treated 
according  to  the  homoeopathic  system.  Not  fewer  than 
88  Christian  names  were  conferred  on  the  son  of  the 
Infante  Don  Sebastien,  in  bis  recent  baptism" 

This  flood,  this  drenching  of  names  comes  cu- 
riously after  the  mention  of  homoeopathy.  It  is 
clear,  at  all  events,  that  Royal  children  in  Spain 
are  not  baptised  homoeopathically.  Poor  little 
son  of  the  Infante  Sebastien  !  it  will  be  a  sad 
tax  on  his  juvenile  memory,  every  time  he  has  to 
be  trotted  through  his  catechism,  for  him  to  recite 
all  his  eighty-eight  names  !  Spanish  parents, 
apparently,  look  upon  a  child  much  in  tne  same 
way  that  a  lawyer  looks  upon  a  bill — they  calculate 
the  chances  of  its  being  honoured  according  to  the 
names  it  has  at  its  back. 


Another  Attack  on  the  Gorilla. 

A  Naturalist  was  explaining  to  a  Frenchman 
the  actions  of  the  Gorilla,  but  felt  an  embar- 
rassing difficulty,  inasmuch  as  his  supply  of 
French  was  not  only  limited,  but  anything  but 
perfect.  Wishing  to  explain  that  the  savage, 
previous  to  rushing  into  action,  was  in  the 
habit  of  striking  his  big  chest,  he  said,  "  Vous 
comprenez,  mongsoo,  le  savage  betefrappe  son  grosse 
caisse" — "  Ah  !  oui,  parfaitement,  he  is  one  drum- 
mare," — interrupted  the  polite  Frenchman.  But 
he  was  evidently  puzzled  to  understand  where  the 
beast  got  his  drum.  And  this  is  the  way  that 
Natural  History  is  written  ! 


MR.  PUNCH  ON  SOME  POPULAR  DELUSIONS, 

TOUCHING  TRAVELLERS  BRITISH  AND  FOREIGN. 

Mr.  Punch  has  lately  profited  by  the  rare  leisure  of  the  dead  season 
to  take  a  trip  across  the  Channel — Pshaw  !  why  should  he  disguise  the 
flattering  fact,  that  he  has  been  attending  incog,  the  round  of  Royal 
festivities,  which  have  lately  been  exciting  the  curiosity  of  the  Gobe- 
mouches,  and  the  speculations  of  "  our  own  Correspondent." 

Of  course  when  Mr.  Punch  receives  an  invitation  from  one  of  his 
brother  Sovereigns  he  doesn't  think  it  necessary  to  blow  his  roo-too-it 
oyer  the  communication.  He  knows  it  is  meant  in  a  friendly  way — 
private  and  confidential  in  fact ;  and  so  he  packs  up  his  crown  and 
sceptre — the  famous  income  and  baton,  which  may  some  day  figure  in 
a  cabinet  of  our  national  museum  like  the  relics  of  a  Fritz  or  a 
Napoleon  at  the  Tuileries  or  Sans-Souci— whistles  Toby  to  heel,  hugs 
Judy,  embraces  the  baby,  leaves  Shallabala  in  charge,  and  drops  in  at 
Potsdam,  or  Carlsruhe,  Brussels  or  Ostend,  Compiegne,  Biarritz,  or 
even  at  Plombicres,  unannounced  and  unattended — but  never  unwel- 
come. 

Diplomatists  and  Duchesses  ask  seriously  who  is  the  little  grey  man 
in  the  greatcoat  with  the  odd  protuberance  before  and  behind,  and  the 
overshadowing  cocked-hat,  from  under  which  little  is  visible  but  the 
gleam  of  a  lightning  eye,  and  the  tip  of  a  commanding  Roman  nose,  who 
rides  so  well  forward  with  the  principal  group  at  the  reviews,  who  is 
the  life  and  soul  of  the  princely  pic-nics  and  parties  de  plaisir,  and  who 
is  in  at  the  death  at  all  the  stately  stag -hunts  ?  How  little  they  suspect 
that  these  modest  habiliments  conceal  the  great  Potentate  of  Public 
Opinion — whose  counsels  are  more  free  than  welcome  alike  at  the 
Tuileries  and  Carlottenburg,  at  Peterhof,  and  Aranjuez,  but  whom 
neither  Louis  nor  Leopold,  nor  Frederick-William,  Alexander, 
Francis-Joseph,  nor  Isabella,  ever  dream  of  saying  "  Not  at  home" 
to,  when  he  chooses  to  knock  at  their  Imperial  or  Royal  doors. 
But  Mr.  Punch's  present  purpose  is  not  to  discuss  Royal  gossip,  or  to 
reveal  Imperial  confidences.  He  rather  wishes  to  confine  himself  to 
certain  points  touching  matters  continental,  of  more  interest  to  subjects 
than  to  princes— and  especially  to  certain  points  of  comparison  between 
his  own  dearly-beloved  fellow-countrymen,  and  then-  nearest  foreign 
neighbours,  in  France  and  Germany. 

Be  re  vestiarid  in  the  first  place.  The  Times  abuses  John  Bull,  and 
Madame  son  Spouse,  lor  going  about  on  their  travels  sot  up  as  Guys— 
for  shocking  foreign  prejudices,  and  showing  their  contempt  for 
ioreign  opinion,  by  sporting  eccentric  shooting-coats,  flaming  flannel 
shirts,  reckless  wide-awakes,— and  worse  still  on  the  ladies'  part,  by  the 


general  shabbiness  and  ugliness  of  their  travelling  toilettes,  and  head 

§'ear- 

Now,  making  every  allowance  for  the  desperate  necessities  of  news- 
paper writers  in  the  dead  season,  and  admitting  that  British  travellers 
— male  and  female — include  specimens  both  of  the  Guy  and  the  Gorilla, 
Mr.  Punch  must  put  in  his  protest  against  any  such  wholesale  indict- 
ment as  this  of  his  compatriots  en  voyage.  On  the  contrary  he  is  pre- 
pared to  maintain,  after  surveying  mankind  from  Calais  to  Calatafimi 
—  dining  with  comprehensive  knife  and  fork  from  Parisian  Tables 
d'hote  to  German  llund-tafeln — bounding  on  the  light  fantastic  toe 
from  the  cancans  and Bigol-bouchades  of  Champs-Elysees  dancing-rooms, 
to  the  waltzes  and  schottishes  of  Kursaal  ball-rooms — squaring  all  circles, 
from  those  which  surround  the  marble-topped  tripods  of  the  Boulevards, 
to  those  that  crowd  and  elbow  each  other  about  the  green-covered  and 
green-girt  tables  at  Homburg,  Spa,  or  either  Baden — familiar  with  all 
levels  of  nature  and  man,  from  the  flats  of  Belgium  to  the  Alps  of 
Switzerland, — that,  as  a  rule,  the  wearer  of  the  best  travelling  suit  (for 
stuff,  cut,  and  condition  together),  the  cleanest  shirt,  the  least  raga- 
muffin or  ridiculous  hat,  the  soundest  and  shapeliest  foot-covering,  is  a 
Briton. 

Englishmen  turn  neater  and  sweeter  out  of  a  railway  carriage  after  a 
night's  rattle,  restlessness  and  frowst  than  any  other  people  ;  they  are 
more  presentable,  more  like  gentlemen,  after  an  Alpine  scramble  among 
glacier  and  moraine,  crevasse  and  couloir  ;  they  present  better  brushed 
hair,  and  cleaner  bauds  and  faces  and  whiter  linen  at  the  Table  d'hote 
under  difficulties,  and  fall  into  less  profound  abysses  of  misery  and 
degradation  in  sea-going  steamers,  than  the  natives  of  any  other  country. 

I,  Punch,  am  speaking  now  of  the  men.  For  the  ladies— bless  them  ! 
— I  am  compelled  to  admit  they  don't  understand  dress  as  an  art  so  well 
as  their  French  sisters.  Millinery  and  dress-making  have  their  home 
and  head-quarters  in  France,  just  as  cooking  has ;  and  for  the  same 
reason — because  the  inferiority  of  the  raw  material  makes  the  elaborate 
and  well-studied  dressing  of  it  a  matter  of  sheer  necessity. 

Where  Heaven  sends  us  meat  (according  to  the  proverb)  we  may 
put  up  with  cooks  of  Old  Nick's  providing,  and  yet  not  starve  ;  but  the 
people  for  whom  Old  Nick  seems  to_  have  purveyed  the  meat,  must, 
perforce,  seek  a  solace  and  compensation  iu  heaven-born  cookery. 

But,  apart  from  their  national  shortcoming  in  the  art  of  dress,  I 
maintain  that  Englishwomen,  on  their  travels,  deserve  as  much  good 
said  of  them  as  Englishmen.  Bless  their  fresh  faces,  and  smooth  hair, 
and  clean  cuffs  and  collars !  In  these  particulars,  what  French  or 
German  woman  can  hold  the  candle  to  'em  ?  I  declare,  the  other  day, 
at  Nuremberg,  when  fairly  worn  down  and  depressed  by  the  ugliness 
and  unattractiveness  of  the  womankind  of  "Vaterland,  I  thought  I 


October  19,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OH  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


161 


should  have  Imaged  a  couple  of  sweet,  sunny-faced,  modest  English 
maidens  who  descended,  like  a  burst  of  sunlight,  into  the  low-roofed, 
smoke-sodden  Speise-saal  of  the  "Ostrich,"  under  the  convoy  of  an 
imposing  Mamma,  and  a  worthy  Paterfamilias  much  ground  down  and 
gravelled  by  luggage  and  languages  together. 

I  admit  that  the  plain  British  female  looks  plain  on  her  travels,  and 
maybe  dowdy.  Bat  I  maintain  she  is  not  a  whit  dowdier,  and  generally 
not  half  so  disgusting,  as  her  plain  sister  of  France  or  Germany,  unless 
where  French  coquetry  has  succeeded  in  disguising  the  defects  of  the 
meat  by  the  dressing  and  garnish. 

Considering  what  this  feat  implies,  on  the  part  of  the  foreign  female, 
of  concealment  and  pains,  of  suppressio  veri,  and  suggestio  falsi, — the 
pins  and  puffs,  the  tails  and  tresses,  the  wadding  and  wire,  the  milliners' 
bills,  and  the  transport  of  the  batterie  de  toilette, — who  will  say  that 
the  British  matron,  with  all  her  indifference  to  coquetry  and  its 
triumphs,  is  not  the  preferable  helpmate  of  the  two,  whether  for  home 
or  travelling  use  ?  But  this  I  will  maintain,  that  an  attractive  English- 
woman loses  less  of  her  attractiveness  uuder  the  necessities  and  acci- 
dents of  travel  than  any  of  her  Continental  rivals.  She  has  a  quality 
of  purity  and  freshness  about  her  which  seems  to  repel  all  soil,  whether 
material  or  moral,  as  the  oil  in  the  duck's  tail-gland  drives  off  the 
water-drops  from  his  plumage ;  and,  as  a  rule,  her  clothes,  and  her 
way  of  wearing  them,  have  the  same  merits  of  freshness  and  purity  in 
comparison  with  those  of  her  rivals. 

This  then  is  the  first  proposition  I  am  prepared  to  maintain  against  all 
comers  :  that  English  travellers,  of  both  sexes,  are,  as  a  rule,  the  best- 
dressed  travellers  in  the  world. 

My  next  proposition  is  Uke  uuto  it,  viz.  -.  that  the  English  abroad  are 
the  best-mannered  travellers,  and  at  home  the  best-mannered  dealers  with 
travellers,  to  be  found  in  the  circle  of  civilised  nations. 

There!  W&W8&. 


CRINOLINE    FOR    COUNSEL. 


ow  that  the  lawyers 
are  enjoying  their 
vacation,  and  have 
nothing  else  to  stu- 
dy but  to  study 
their  own  comfort, 
we  trust  they  will 
employ  a  portion 
of  their  leisure  in 
considering  what  a 
comfort  Crinoline 
would  be  to  them, 
if  they  only  had  the 
courage  publicly  to 
wear  it.  Every 
term  one  hears  com- 
plaints of  "  those 
nasty  stuffy  gowns  " 
in  which,  as  fashions 
go  at  present,  every 
barrister  enrobes 
himself ;  and  so 
many  learned  legs 
get_  entangled  in 
their  folds  in  trip- 
ping down  from 
chambers  or  in  trot- 
ting up  to  court, 
that  the  chances  of 


a  "cropper"  are  every  day  incurred,  with  the  chances  of  the  cracking  of 
some  learned  pate.  As  the  loss  of  a  lawyer  is  too  terrible  to  contem- 
plate, we  will  not  paiii  our  readers  by  calculating  what  are  now  the 
chances  of  an  accident,  every  time  a  counsel  puts  on  Ins  stuff  or  silk. 
Suffice  it  that  those  chances  would  of  course  be  much  decreased,  were 
Crinoline  adopted  to  distend  the  legal  robes,  and  prevent  their  tightly 
twining  round  the  legal  legs.  It  may  be  urged  indeed  that  Crinoline  is 
in  itself  a  cause  of  danger,  and  that  many  lady-wearers  have  been 
tripped-up  and  maimed  by  it.  Bat  such  mishaps  have  only  happened 
when  its  amplitude  has  been  in  marked  excess  of  what  is  needed  for 
keeping  one's  gown  free  from  twisting  round  one's  legs;  and  though 
weak-minded  women  may  like  to  risk  their  limbs  for  the  sake  of  such 
exuberance,  we  are  sure  strong-headed  lawyers  would  never  dream  of 
doing  so,  and  would  confine  within  safe  bounds  their  crinolineal 
expanse. 

We  need  not  enlarge  on  the  advantages  of  Crinoline,  to  male  wearers 
at  least,  and  when  worn  within  due  limits.  How  it  would  tend  to  keep 
the  legs  cool,  and  prevent  a  man  from  getting  over-heated  in  an  argu- 
ment, must  certainly  be  patent  to  the  dullest  of  perceptions;  nor  can  it 
be  less  clear  that  Crinoline  would  give  a  certain  air  of  greatness  which 
many  of  our  Ciccros  now  lamentably  lack.  We  often  hear  of  little 
Barristers  swelling  with  importance,  and  trying  to  look  big,  when  they 


are  making  what  they  think  will  be  considered  a  great  speech ;  and 
how  vastly  in  this  way  Crinoline  would  help  them,  it  is  needless  that 
we  state.  Neither  need  we  dwell  upon  the  obvious  improvement  which 
Crinoline  would  be  to  the  appearance  of  our  counsel,  supposing  that 
they  chose  to  try  and  cut  a  swell  in  it.  Instead  of  hanging  limp  and 
loose  as  though  it  were  not  made  for  him,  a  lawyer's  gown,  when  well 
stuck  out  with  whalebone  ribs  and  steel,  would  sit  so  as  to  add  some- 
what of  true  dignity  to  the  figure,  and  would  impart  a  graceful  bearing 
where  is  now  a  clumsy  slouch.  Instead  of  skulking  through  the  streets 
as  though  half  frightened  to  be  seen,  which  too  often  is  the  case  in 
their  skimping  scarecrow  robes,  Counsel  when  in  Crinoline  would  feel 
conscious  of  their  altered  looks,  and  would  walk  along  erect  with  a 
swagger  and  a  swing,  so  as  to  show  off  how  well  their  gowns  were  cut. 
A  man  would  take  a  pride  and  pleasure  then  in  his  Court  robe,  aud 
instead  of  slipping  out  of  it  the  instant  he  left  Court,  would  moie  likely 
take  to  wearing  it  when  he  had  no  occasion,  simply  for  the  reason  that 
he  looked  so  vastly  well  in  it. 

The  ladies,  bless  them  !  would  of  course  approve  of  the  new  fashion, 
for  any  novelty  in  dress  is  always  charming  in  their  eyes,  and  it  is  so 
seldom  they  cau  get  men  to  take  interest  in  it.  But  when  Counsel 
robe  in  Crinoline  there  will  be  another  bond  between  a  husband  and 
his  wife,  and  still  more  will  he  regard  her  as  whalebone  of  his  whale- 
bone, and  steel  rib  of  his  steel.  Delightful  little  meetings  will  be 
secretly  convened  for  the  evenings  when  dear  Charles's  new  Crinoline 
comes  home,  or  dear  Augustus's  man-milliner  has  promised  to  attend, 
to  see  how  many  yards  must  be  let  into  his  gown  so  as  to  make  it 
nicely  sit.  Indeed  we  should  not  be  surprised  to  hear  fond  Mas. 
Briefless  say  at  breakfast  to  her  lord,  before  hurrying  him  to  the 
'bus,  "Dear,  do  come  with  me  shopping  in  your  Crinoline  to-day; 
you  've  really  no  idea  how  extremely  well  you  look  in  it !  " 

This  thought  must  in  itself  be  sufficient  to  make  fashionable  the 
fashion  we  suggest.  If  we  show  that  it  will  have  the  approbation  of 
the  ladies,  we  need  surely  say  no  more  as  a  plea  for  its  adoption ;  for 
the  gallantry  of  lawyers  is  as  well  known  as  their  learning,  and  they 
would  even  shave  their  whiskers  off  to  win  a  woman's  smile,  if  it  were 
woman's  wish  to  see  them  with  shorn  cheeks. 


PLAIN  WORDS  FOE,  PLAIN  PEOPLE. 

"  Muster,  Punch,  onerd  Sir,  ope  as  yon  '1  escuse  the  libaty  I  'm 
taken  but  Me  aud  Jimmy  Leathers  we  reads  yer  peayper  reglar  at 
the  Cat  and  Bagpipes,  and  last  weak  among  the  tisements  we  come 
acrost  the  follerin  which  we  wants  you  to  esplain : — 

TTOPLEMLTROMA.— W.  C.  begs  to  call  the  attention  of  all  who  have 

Li-  the  care  of  horses  to  his  Hoplkmuroma,  for  the  improvement  and  growth  of 
horses'  feet,  to  cure  and  prevent  brittle  and  shelly  feet,  sand  cracks,  seedy  toes, 
diseased  frogs,  &c. 

"  Now  me  and  jimmy  we  has  each  on  us  the  care  of  Osses  which 
some  on  em  at  times  is  libel  to  bad  oofs,  and  a  Nition  deal  o'  trubble  I 
can  tell  you  as  they  causes  of  us  which  we  'd  both  be  precious  thankful 
for  to  ear  of  any  Stuff  as  ud  cure  M  bout  and  bout,  and  Master  e  'd  not 
mind  a  Button  what  he  paid  for  it,  But  what  I  ses  to  Jimmy,  Jtm,  says 
i,  I  can't  abear  them  furrin  lookin  names  which  if  a  article  be  giniwine 
why  call  it  somethin  Onderstandable,  and  then  one  knows  there  ain't  no 
Gammon,  Cos  this  ere  Opplemewremer,  I  daresay  it 's  all  right,  but 
then  says  I  why  who  's  to  know  it.  Maybe  you  Sir  as  a  scholard  can 
find  out  what  it  mean,  but  Jim  and  me  and  sich  we  aint  well  Eddieated 
chaps,  and  so  you  see  we  likes  plain  words  and  gets  kinder  skeered  o' 
rummy  ones  Which  we  knows  what's  wot  in  Ossflesh,  but  as  for  Opple- 
muremas  why  they  air  so  much  Greek  to  us,  and  master  E  's  so  cranky 
I  dusnt  play  no  'speriments,  espeshly  now  the  Untin  Seasing  is  at  and 
we've  got  ouy  nineteen  Osses  at  present  in  our  stabuls,  So  I  ope  as 
Mister  W.  C.  nil  give  a  esplanation  of  the  meanin  of  his  Ople  &c.  which 
fine  wuds  wont  butter  parsnips,  and  call  a  spade  a  spade  and  you  won't 
sell  not  no  more  on  em  by  cabin  it  a  shuvel. 

"  Yours  to  komand, 

"Joe  Snaffle. 

"JSad  grum  to  the  onrablc  George  Ighflier,  Exquike,  which  praps 
you  may  ave  met  Us  down  at  Markit  Arhrer." 


"Lend  us  your  Cotton." 

We  read  that  the  "  Cotton  Loan  already  amounts  to  1,000,000 
bales,"  and  that  it  is  perfectly  ready  for  the  acceptance  of  the  Confe- 
derate Government.  We  never  heard  of  a  "Cotton  Loan"  before, 
and  confess  that  we  have  very  strong  misgivings  as  to  the  existence  of 
such  an  article.  However,  there  is  the  Cotton  Tree,  and  who  knows 
that  the  above  may  not  be  some  new  kind  of  "plant?"  We  have  only 
one  wish  in  connection  with  it,  and  that  is,  since  this  "  Cotton  Loan" 
seemingly  boasts  of  a  million  bales,  that  it  would,  out  of  the  lot,  just 
find  one  or  two— substantial  ones— that  would  have  the  effect  of  binding 
America  over  to  keep  the  peace. 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


W!T    AT    A    DISADVANTAGE. 

l\  ell,  Jackson,  you  arc  always  here  for  being  drunk,  so  T  shall  fine  you  five  shillings." 
"  Not  got  a  penny,  your  Worshup." 
"  Not  a  penny,  Sir  J  " 
"  I  got  only  coppers,—'  Hot  Coppers,'  your  Worshup"     [He  was  most  promptly  and  most  properly  locked  up. 


BRITISH  AND  FOREIGN  LOYALTY. 

By  Telegram  from  Compiegne,  when  the  King  of  Prussia  arrived 
there  the  other  evening,  and  was  met  by  the  Emperor  of  the  French 
at  the  terminus,  Me,  Reuter  received  the  important  information 
ensuing : — 

"Their  Majesties  proceeded  from  the  terminus  to  the  Palace  in  an  open  carriage 
without  any  escort,  the  people  shouting  by  the  way,  '  Long  live  the  King  '  Long 
live  the  Emperor  ! ' " 

Those  people  who  follow  at  the  wheels  and  heels  of  Royalty,  shouting, 
are  doubtlessly  incorrectly  described  as  "  the  "  people.  *  They  are  only 
some  of  the  people,  surely.  The  class  of  persons  accustomed  to  express 
their  feelings  by  shouting  must  be  a  peculiar  one.  A  psychological 
inquirer  would  like  to  exist  a  few  minutes  in  the  consciousness  of  an 
individual  capable  of  waving  his  hat  and  bawling  under  the  emotion 
excited  in  his  mind  by  the  sight  of  a  prince.  Were  tliis  practicable,  a 
philosopher  might  so  be  enabled  to  understand  the  feelings  of  the 
gentlemen  whose  figures,  brandishing  hats,  occupy  the  foregrounds  of 
prints  m  the  illustrated  papers;  representing  a  Royal  party  on  a  railway 
platform,  or  Royalty  engaged  in  laying  the  first  stone  of  an  institution. 
In  this  country  the  cries  and  gestures  of  these  demonstrative  persons 
arise,  no  doubt  from  genuine  enthusiasm.  In  some  other  countries  can 
it  be  possible  that  applause  is  sometimes  arranged,  and  hired  ? 


Rumoured  Perversion. 

The  Ami  de  Reliyim  announces  that  the  Count  de  Chamborb  is 
about  to  undertake  a  voyage  to  Constantinople.  This  is  probably  not 
to  be  taken  as  a  piece  of  religious  intelligence.  In  going  to  Constan- 
tinople, the  Count  de  Chambord  will  not  turn  Turk,  any  more  than 
the  Prince  of  Wales  would  (whatever  the  Record  might  say)  neces- 
sarily turn  Papist  if  he  were  to  go  over  to  Rome. 


A  MONUMENTAL  QUESTION. 

We  believe  it  is  a  regulation  at  the  National  Portrait  Gallery,  that  a 
certain  number  of  years  must  have  elapsed  after  death  before  the 
portrait  of  a  recognised  genius,  or  hero,  can  be  received.  If  this 
species  of  quarantine  is  requisite  with  a  portrait,  why  not  also  with  a 
statue  ?  We  think  it  is  doubly  necessary  with  the  latter,  inasmuch  as 
it  is  far  easier  to  remove  a  picture  than  it  is  a  statue.  When  once  a 
twelve-foot  monument  of  granite  and  metal  has  been  planted  in  a 
public  thoroughfare,  it  becomes  a  very  difficult  operation  indeed  to  dig 
it  up  again.  Some  such  regulation,  like  that  in  force  at  the  National 
Portrait  Gallery,  is,  in  our  opinion,  absolutely  wanted  with  regard  to 
our  statues,  or  else  London  promises  to  become  in  a  very  few  years 
nothing  better  than  a  caricature  collection  of  the  very  weakest  brazen 
mediocrities.  Why,  you -would  see  almost  greater  evidence  of  talent 
and  worth  iu  any  stone-mason's  yard  in  the  New  Road ! 

As  for  ourselves,  we  are  perfectly  disinterested  in  the  matter.  We 
should  like  to  see  any  wild  enthusiast  daring  to  propose  a  statue  to  us  I 
However,  our  career  has  been  of  that  purity  and  celebrity,  that  we  feel 
sure  a  grateful  posterity  would  never  allow  so  gross  an  insult  to  be  paid 
to  our  beloved  memory. 


NOTICE    FOR    A    GENERAL    MOURNING. 

Great  C/iamberlai/is  Office. 
In  consequence  of  the  demise  of  his  Imperial  Majesty,  Hien  Pung, 
Emperor  of  China,  all  persons  who  have  charge  of  the  tea-pot  are 
invited  to  show  their  feelings  by  putting  a  DECENT  BLACK  tea 
into  the  said  pot,  and  a  decent  quantity  of  it,  until  further  notice  from 
those  who  have  hitherto  had  to  complain  of  an  opposite  line  of  conduct. 

(Signed)  Punch  d'Eresby. 


Printed  by  William  Bradbury,  of  No.  13,  Upper  Woburn  Place,  and  Frederick  Mullett  Evans,  of  No.  19,  Queen's  Road  West,  Regent's  parit,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Pancras,  in  the  County  of  Middlesex, 
Printers,  at  their  Office  in  Lombard  Street,  in  the  Precinct  of  Whitefriare,  in  the  City  of  London,  aad  Published  by  them  at  No.  K;  Fleet  Street,  id  the  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  City  cf  London.— 
S/stprday,  October  IS,  IPC). 


On  the  30th  inst.  will  be  published,  Price  10s.  6d.  in  cloth,  gilt  edges,  The  DOUBLE  VOLUME  for  1845  (Vols.  8  &,  9),  of 

THE      RE-ISSUE     OF      PUNCH. 


Bradbury  &  Evans,] 


Also,  the  Ninth  Volume,  in  boards,  Price  5s. — The  following  arc  already  publibhed  : 

Vol.      1       (For  1841)     6s.                        I                  Vols.  4  and  5  (1843)      10s.  6<f. 

Vols.    2  and  3  (1842)    10s.  6d.                                Vols.  6  and  7  (1844)      10s,  ed. 

***  Any  Volume  or  Double  Volume  may  always  be  had  separately.  [11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street. 


> 
< 
D 
CC 
3 
I- 
< 
CO 

> 
a. 

> 

Q 

lii 
I 
to 

_l 

03 
O- 


NOTICE. -The  Second  Number  of  the  GAZETTE  OF  BANKRUPTCY  is  Published 
this  day,  Price  2d.    No.  3  will  appear  on  Saturday. 


"  The  first  number  of  a  bi-weekly  publication,  to  be  called  the  'Gazette  of  Bank- 
ruptcy,' has  been  issued  to-day.  _  It  will  record  the  proceedings  in  bankruptcy  in 
every  Court  throughout  the  country,  and  promises  to  be  of  great  use  to  all  traders. 


By  reference  to  it  any  Creditor  will  be  able  at  once  to  ascertain  the  position  of  any 
Estate  in  which  he  is  interested." — Times,  October  21,  1S61. 

[Ofifiee  :    V.  &  R.  Stevens  and  Son,  26,  Bell  Yard,  Lincoln's  Inn. 


PUjNtCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI,  October  26,  1861. 


ALBEMARLE    STREET, 

October,  186i. 

MR.  MURRAY'S 

LIST    OF    NEW  WOEKS. 

r. 

TTISTORY  OF  THE  UNITED 

Al  NETHERLANDS.  With  a  detailed 
Accouittof  the  Spanish  Armada.  By  J.  Lothrop 
Motley.  4th  Thousand.  Portraits.  2  vols. 
8vo.    30s. 

II. 

TWO  YEARS'  RESIDENCE  IN  JUT- 
LAND, THE  DANISH  ISLES,  AND  COPEN- 
HAGEN. By  Horace  Maiibmi.  Illustra- 
tions.   2  vols.    Post  8vo.    24s. 

III. 

ARREST  OF  THE  FIVE  MEMBERS  BY 
CHARLES  THE  FIRST.  By  John  Forster. 
Post  8vo.    12s. 

IV. 

THE  GRAND  REMONSTRANCE,  1641. 
By  John  Forster.  2nd  Edition.  Post  8vo. 
12s. 

V. 

THE  PRIVATE  DIARY  OF  THE  LATE 
GENERAL  SIR  ROBERT  WILSON,  during 
his  Travels,  Personal  Services,  and  Public 
Events,  1812-14.    Map.    2  vols.    Svo.    26s. 

VI. 

SECRET  HISTORY  OF  EVENTS  During 
the  French  Invasion  of  Russia,  in  1-12. 
By  General  Sir  Robert  Wilson.  2nd  Edi- 
tion.   Plans.    Svo.    15s. 

VII. 

ADDRESS  AT  THE  SOCIAL  SCIENCE 
ASSOCIATION,  Dublin,  August,  1861.  By 
Lord  Brougham.  Revised,  with  Notes.  8vo.  Is, 

VIII. 

EXPLORATIONS  IN  EQUATORIAL 
AFRICA,  with  Accounts  of  the  SAVAGE 
TRIBES,  and  the  Chase  of  the  GORILLA, 
NEST-BUILDING  APE,  &c.  By  M.  Paul  du 
Chaillu.  10th  Thousand.  Illustrations.  8vo. 
21s. 

IX. 

LIFE  OF  THE  RIGHT  HON.  WILLIAM 
PITT,  with  Extracts  from  MSS.  Papers.  By 
Earl  Stanhope.  Portrait.  Vols.  1  and  2.  Post 
8vo.    21s. 

X. 

HISTORY  AND  HEROES  OF  MEDI- 
CINE. By  J.  Rutherfurd  Russell,  M.D. 
Portraits.    Svo.    15s. 

XI. 

THE  DANGERS  AND  SAFEGUARDS 
OF  MODERN  THEOLOGY.  Hy  The  Bishop 
of  London.    Svo.    9s. 


SERMONS  PREACHED  IN  LINCOLN'S 
INN  CHAPEL.  By  The  Bishop  Designate 
of  Gloucester  and  Bristol.    Svo.    10s.  (id. 


SCEPTICISM;  A  Retrogressive  Move- 
ment in  Theology  and  Philosophy.  By 
Lord  Lindsay.    8vo.    9s. 

XIV. 

SUNDAY;  Its  Origin,  History,  and 
Present  Obligations;  being  the  BAMPTON 
LECTURES  for  I860.  By  James  A.  Hessey, 
D.C.L.    2nd  Edition.    8vo.    IBs. 


SUGGESTIONS  ON  POPULAR  EDUCA- 
TION.   By  Nassau  W.  Senior.    Svo.    9s. 

XVI. 

DIARY  AND  CORRESPONDENCE  OF 
CHARLES  ABBOTT,  LORD  COLCHESTER, 
Speaker  of  i  the  House  of  Commons,  1Si>2 — 17. 
Edited  by  His  Son.  Portrait.  3  vols.  Svo. 
42s. 

XVII. 

THE  DUKE  OF  WELLINGTON'S  SUP- 
PLEMENTARY DESPATCHES,  &c.  Edited 
by  His  Son.  Map.  Vols.  1  to  7.  Svo.  20s. 
each. 

XVIII. 

THE  ENGLISH  CATHEDRAL  OF  THE 

19th   CENTURY.     By  A.  Beresford   Hope. 
Illustrations.    8vo.    12s. 

XIX. 
ICELAND  ;    ITS    VOLCANOES,      GEY- 
SERS, AND  GLACIERS.    Explored  in  a  Sum- 
mer Excursion.    By  Com.  C.  S.  Forbes  R.N 
Illustrations.    P.st  Svo.    14s. 

XX. 
THE  HORSE  AND  HIS  RIDER.    By  Sir 
Francis    B.    Head,   Bart.       4th  Thousand 
Woodcuts.    Post  Svo.    5s. 

XXI. 

ANCIENT  LAW ;  Its  Connection  with 
the  Early  History  of  Society,  and  its 
Relation  to  Modern  Ideas.  By  H.  Sum- 
ner Maine.    8vo.    12s. 

XXII. 

THE  PROVINCE  OF  JURISPRUDENCE 
DETERMINED.  By  the  late  John  Austin. 
2nd.  Edition.    8vo.    15s. 

XXIII. 

THE  GREAT  SAHARA.  Wanderings 
South  of  the  Atlas  Mountains.  By  Rev. 
H.  B.  Tristram.    Illustrations.    Postflvo.    15s. 


J'~>HN  MURRAY,  Albemarle  Street. 


SHEFFIELD   MANUFACTURERS, 

OPPOSITE  TO  THE  PANTHEON,  OXFOED  STKEET, 

THE  ONLY  LONDON  ADDRESS. 

THE  LARGEST  STOCK  IN  LONDON  OE  CUTLERY  AND 
ELECTRO-SILVER  PLATE, 

The  most  beautiful  and  varied  assortment  to  be  seen  anywhere,  of  Tea  and  Dinner  Services, 
Cruets,  Cruet  Frames,  Dish  Covers,  Side  Dishes,  Waiters,  Tea-Trays,  Fruit  Stands.Epergnes, 
&c,  the  Quality  excellent,  and  the  Prices  most  reasonable. 

Forwarded  direct  from  their  Manufactory,  ROYAL  CUTLERY  WORKS,  Sheffield. 


MAPPIN   &  Co.'s  UNRIVALLED  TABLE  CUTLERY. 

Good. 

Medium. 

Superior. 

£0  13    0 
0  10    0 
0    4    6 
0    5    6 
0    4    6 
0    2    6 

£10     0 
0  15     0 

0    7    0 
0    8    0 
0     7    0 
0    3    6 

£1  15     0 
15    0 
0  12    0- 
0  13    6! 
0  12    0 
0    4    6 

Complete  Service 

£2    0    0 

£3    0     6 

£5    2    0 

These  Table  Knives  are  guaranteed  the  best  sold  in  London,  at  the  prices  charged.    They  are 
made  from  the  very  best  steel,  and  the  handles  are  so  secured  that  they  cannot  become  loose  in 
hot  water.     It  is  in  consequence  of  MESSRS.  MAPPIN  &  Co.  being  Manufacturers,  that  they 
are  enabled  to  offer  their  Table  Knives  at  such  unprecedented  low  prices. 
MAPPIN  &  Co.  have  no  connection  with  any  House  of  a  similar  name  in  London. 
MAPPIN  AND  Co.,  London  Show  Rooms,   opposite  to  the 
PANTHEON,  OXFORD   STREET; 
SHEFFIELD  MANUFACTORY,  ROYAL  CUTLERY  WORKS. 

RECIPE  for  LIGHT  PUDDING. 

From  the  Cook's  Guide,  (Published  by 
Mr.  Bentley,  New  Burlington  Street) 
by  Mons.  C.  E.  Francatelli,  late  Chief 
Cook  to  Her  Majesty, 

A  LIGHT  PUDDING  FOR  INVALIDS. 

To  one  dessert- spoonful  of  Brown  and 
Polson,  add  two  ounces  of  pounded 
sugar,  three  gills  of  milk,  one  ounce  of 
butter,  a  pinch  of  salt,  and  a  tea-spoonful 
1  of  orauge-flower  water ;  stir  briskly  on 
the  fire  till  it  boils  ;  then  work  in  three 
yolks  of  eggs,  and  the  three  whites 
whisked  firm  ;  pour  this  into  a  buttered 
mould  or  pudding  basin,  and  steam  it  in 
the  usual  way. 


TENT 
FLOLJ 


BROWN  &  POLSON,  Manufacturers  and  Purveyors  to  Her  Majesty  the  Queen. 
Paisley,  Manchester,  Dublin,  and  London. 


IMPORTANT 


METALLIC 


PEN   MAKER  TO 

BY  ROYAL  COMMAND, 


ANNOUNCEMENT. 


THE    QUEEN, 


JOSEPH    GILLOTT 


"DEGS  most  respectfully  to  inform  the  Commercial  World,  Scholastic  Institutions,  and  the 
public  generally,  that  by  a  novel  application  of  his  unrivalled  Machinery  for  making  Steel  Pens,  and  in  accordance 
with  the  scientific  spirit  of  the  times,  he  has  introduced  a  new  series  t  i  his  useful  productions,  wbich,  for  excel- 
lence of  temper,  QUAMTjr  of  MATERIA!,,  and,  above  all,  cheapness  in  price,  he  believes  will  ensure  universal 
approbation,  and  defy  competition.  Each  Pen  bears  the  impress  of  his  name  as  a  guarantee  of  quality;  and  rhey  are 
put  up  in  the  usual  style  of  boxes,  containing  one  gross  each,  with  label  outside,  and  the  fac  simile  of  his  signature. 
At  the  request  of  persons  extensively  engaged  ia  tuition,  J.  G.  has  introduced  his  WARRANTED  SCHOOL  AND 
PUBLIC  PENS,  which  are  especially  adapted  to  their  use,  being  of  different  degrees  of  flexibility,  and  with  fine, 
medium,  and  broad  points,  suitable  for  the  various  kinds  of  Writing  taught  in  Schools.  Sold  Retail  by  all  Stationers, 
Booksellers,  and  other  respectable  Dealers  in  Steel  Pens.  Merchants  and  Wholesale  Dealers  can  be  supplied  at  the 
Works,  Graham  Street ;  95,  New  Street,  Birmingham; 

No.  91,  JOHN  STREET,  NEW  YORK  ;  and  at  37,  GRACECHURCH  STREET,  LONDON,  E.C. 


%V*BOG£#J 


ER0F 

.tStreet 


■ 


Observe  particularly  Name  and  A 


■jTOOTH  from  5s.,  set  £2  10s.     Without  Springs,  Wires,  or  any  painful  operation.     Natural 
Appearance  and  durability  guaranteed.     All  Consultations  free. 

LE      SOMMIER      ELASTIQUE       PORTATIF. 


T 


,    i 


w 


AVE  patented  a  method  of  making  a  Spring  Mattress  portable.  The  great  objection  to  the 
usual  Spring  Mattress  is  its  being  so  heavy  and  cumbersome.  The  "  Sommier  Elastique 
Portatif "  is  made  in  three  separate  parts  ;  and,  when  joined  together,  has  all  the  elasticity  of 
the  best  Spring  Mattress.  As  it  has  no  stuffing  of  wool  or  horse-hair,  it  cannot  harbour  moth, 
to  which  the  usual  Spring  Mattress  is  very  liable  ;  the  prices  also  are  much  below  those  of  the 
best  Spring  Mattresses,  viz. : — 
3  ft.  wide  by  6  ft.  4  in.  long £2    5    0  |  4  ft.  6  in.  by  6  ft.  4  in.  long £3    0    0 

3  ft.  6  in.  „        „  2  10    0    5  ft.  ,,        ,,  3    5    0 

4  ft.  „        „  2  15    0'5ft.  6  in.  ,,         „  3  10    0 

The  "  Sommier  Elastique  Portatif,"  therefore,  combines  the  advantages  of  elasticity,  dura- 
bility, cleanliness,  portability,  and  cheapness.  An  ILLUSTRATED  CATALOGUE  of  Bedsteads, 
Bedding,  and  Bed-Room  Furniture,  sent  free  by  post  on  application. 

HEAL  &  SON,  196,  Tottenham  Court  Road,  W. 

FOR  GEWTLEMEN.-THE  NEW  GOODS  EOR  THE  PRESENT 
and  Approaching  Season  are  now  ready,  in  all  the  new  and  various  makes  and  materials  for 
Over-coats,  Trouse  rs,  and  Waistcoats.  Several  new  styles  of  Over-coats  kept  ready  for  inspection. 
An  early  visit  respectfully  solicited. 

EXCELLENCE  WITH  ECONOMY. 
GEORGE  HOBSON,    57,  Lombard  Street. 


T  ABIES'  GARIBALDI 
■"  SHIRTS, 

100  Patterns  sent  free  to  choose  from. 

Ladies',  commencing  6s.  M. 

Children's,  3s.  lid. 

Drawings  with  description  free. 

PETER     ROBINSON, 

103  to  103,  OXFORD  STREET. 
THE  NEW  NOVELS,  NOW  READY. 

COUNTY      SOCIETY. 
"  Ve'rite'  sans  peur." 

NOTICE  TO   aUIT,     BY  W. 

G.  Wills,  Author  of  "  Life's  Foreshadowings." 

THE  HOME  AT  ROSEEIELD. 

By  Edward  Copping. 

EAST   AND    WEST.     BY  J. 

Frazer  Corkran. 

Also,  in  2  vols.,  21*.  ' 

LADY  CHARLOTTE  PEPYS' 

DOMESTIC  SKETCHES  IN  RUSSIA. 
Hurst  &  Blackett,  Publishers* 

THE     CANADIAN      NEWS 

A  every  THURSDAY.  Price  3d.  Post 
Free,  id. 

F.  Algar,  Colonial  Newspaper  Agency,  11, Clement's 
Lane,  E.C. 

WAPPIN     BROTHERS' 

A?A  LONDON  ESTABLISHMENT  IS 
AT  LONDON  BRIDGE.— Established  in  Sheffield, 

A.D.1810. 

Mappin  Brothers'   Gentleman's    Guinea   Dressing 

Case. 
Mappin  Brothers'  Two  Guinea  Dressing  Case,  in 

Solid  Leather. 
Mappin  Brothers'   Four   Pound   Dressing  Bag  is 

recommended  for  strong  service. 
Mappin  Brothers'  Leather  Dressing  Case  for  Ladies, 

,£1  4s. 
Mappin  Brothers'  Leather  Dressing  Case,  lined  with 

silk  velvet,  lock  and  key,  £2  12s. 
Mappin    Brothers'    Travelling   Dressing    Bag    for 

Ladies,  ^4  4s. 
An    Illustrated  Catalogue   sent   gratis  and  post 
free.— Mappin  Brothers,  67  and  63,  King  William 
Street,    London    Bridge.      Manufactory,    Queen's 
Cutlery  Works,  Sheffield. 

THE  MAGIC  PUNCH- 
A  life-like  Figure  of  Punch,  which 
dances  when  placed  on  the  floor,  keeping  time  to 
any  tune,  and  defying  detection.  The  funny  squeak 
and  roo-ti-too  of  Punch  are  cleverly  introduced.  No 
end  of  laughter.  Sent  post  free  for  18  stamps,  The 
Wizard's  Box  of  Magic  -six  new  tricks  by  return  free 
for  20  stamps.  The  Wizard's  Note  Book  on  Magic, 
free  lor  7  stamps.    Also, 

TOE     MAGIC     SPURGEON 

■*■  (Copyright).— A  magical  life-like  POR- 
TRAIT of  the  most  popular  orator  of  the  day— when 
placed  on  the  floor  dances  gracefully,  defying  detec- 
tion. Sent  free  by  return  for  18  stamps. 
W.  Grkig,  6,  South  Row,  Caraaby  Street,  W., 
London. 

TOGLISH     CONCERTINA; 

tJLi  Genuine  full   compass  for   31s.   6d, — 

Detailed  particulars  of  this  and  other  qualities,  from 
■£'2  105.  to  i£8  8s.,  sent  post  free,  or  to  be  seen  on 
application  to  W.  B.  Fisher,  t>,  Ampton  Street, 
Gray's  Inu  Road,  W.C. 

^LLSOPP'S  PALE  ALE,  IN 

•*i  Buttle,  recommended  by  Baron  Liebig 
and  all  the  faculty,  may  now  be  had  in  the  finest 
condi'-ion  of  Messrs.  Harrington,  Parker,  &  Co., 
hh.  Pall  Mall,  and  144,  Regent  Street,  Waterloo 
Place,  S.W. 

IfJRINOLINE.-LADIES 

*J  will  find  THOMSON'S  Patent  Crown 
Skeletox  Skirts,  PERFECTION  !  and  to  pre. 
vent  mistake  or  imposition,  should  see  that  they 
I  bear  the  Trade  Mark  (a  Crown),  and  the  name 
Thomson. 

BRADEN'S   BAKING   POW- 

A»  DER.  —  Pure  wholesome  and  unadul- 
terated. Be  not  deceived.  BRADEN'S  Baking 
Powder  is  the  best,  as  well  as  the  cheapest. 

Manufactory,  Steam  Mills,  Victoria  Street,  Hol- 
born,  E.C. 

TOE      FAIRY     BOUaUET ; 

■*  THE  OXFORD  AND  CAMBRIDGE 
BOUQUET.— These  popular  and  celebrated  Per- 
fumes are  not  genuine  unless  the3r  have  the  names 
and  address  of  the  original  tmd  only  makers  on  each 
bottle.— Metcalfe,  Binglei  &  Co,,  130e  and  131, 
Oxford  Street.    lu  Bottles,  2s.,  3s.6rf.,  and  5s. 


BULL     EVENINGS     MADE 

&S  MERRY. — Bagatelle  Boards  of  the 
finest  manufacture  from3U.6il.  complete.  Descrip- 
tive Catalogue  of  parlour  games  free  on  application. 
Asser  &  Sierwin,  81,  Strand,  London. 

fSQALS.-BEST  COALS  ONLY. 

\f  — UO1JKERELL&  Co's  price  is  now  25s. 
per  Ton  cash  for  the  BEST  SCREENED  COALS 
as  supplied  by  them  to  Her  Majesty.  13,  Cor-.ihill; 
Purfleet  Wharf,  Earl  Street,  Blackfriars,  E.C; 
Eaton  Wharf,  Grosvenor  Canal,  Pimlico,  S.W.; 
and  Sunderland  Wharf,  Peckham,  S.E. 

OCKLE'S     ANTIBILIOUS 

PILLS,  a  medicine  now  in  use  among 
all  classes  of  Society  for  indirection,  buious,  liver, 
and  Stomach  Complaints.  Prepared  cmly  by  James 
Cockle,  18,  New  Ormond  Street,  aud  tu  ue  had  of 
all  Medicine  Vendors,  in  boxes  at  Is  ljd.,  2s.  9d.. 
and  4s.  6d. 


c 


October  26,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


163 


Painful  and  Humiliating  Contrast  to  the  Disadvantage  op  our  Poor  Little  English 

Traveller,  of  Course. 


PATENT  POTATOES. 

Walking  out  the  other  day,  as 
men  should  do,  with  our  wife,  we 
saw  announced  in  a  shop  window 
that  there  were  there  on  sale  a  lot 
of  "  Patent  Gravity  Selected  Po- 
tatoes." The  notion  of  potatoes 
being  chosen  for  their  gravity 
struck  us  as  so  funny  that  we  almost 
lost  our  own,  and  we  began  to 
fancy  greengrocers  inviting  us  to 
purchase  a  peck  of  peas  selected  on 
account  of  their  solemnity,  or  a 
bundle  of  asparagus  as  being  most 
sedate.  A  smiling  lot  of  seakale 
as  a  contrast  might  be  offered,  and 
a  comic  cauliflower  would  prove  a 
tempting  novelty  to  palates  tired 
of  grave  potatoes,  or  surfeited  with 
serious  beans.  The  idea,  too,  of  a 
patent  being  granted  for  potatoes 
puzzled  us  as  much  as  the  choice 
of  them  for  gravity,  and  we  more 
than  half  resolved  to  go  into  the 
shop  and  ask  for  information  how 
the  grant  had  been  achieved.  But 
we  make  it  a  strict  rule  not  to 
open  a  shop -door  when  our  wife  is 
with  us,  for  fear  our  doing  so  be 
forthwith  cited  as  a  precedent  for 
her  doing  the  same.  So  wc  remain 
still  in  the  dark  about  these  pa- 
tented potatoes. 


A  Thief's  Conviction.— A  con- 
firmed young  Thief  is  convinced 
that  "prison  isn't  'ealthy."  He 
attributes  this  to  the  "cutting 
'air  "  that  prevails  there. 


THE  ALLOCUTION  ACCOUNTED   FOR, 

According  to  the  Paris  correspondent  of  a  daily  contemporary  : — 

"  Despatches  from  Rome  say  that  the  Pope  and  Cardinal  Antonelli  have  taken 
to  drinking  champagne,  and  abusing  the  whole  world  under  the  influence  of  that 
pleasant  beverage." 

At  first  sight  this  announcement  had  the  suspicious  appearance  of  a 
hoax,  expressly  intended  to  take  in  Punch— but  he  is  a  young  man  from 
the  country,  and  you  don't  get  over  hhn  !  The  Pope's  last  allocution, 
however,  can  leave  no  doubt  on  the  mind  of  anybody  that  it  is  perfectly 
true.  The  imaginary  atrocities  which  his  Holiness  asserts  to  have  been 
perpetrated  by  the  Piedmontese  Government,  and  the  abusive  epithets 
which  he  heaps  on  the  fancied  authors  of  those  outrages,  are  strongly 
indicative  of  the  effect  of  champagne,  if  uot  brandy  and  water. 

Having  blackguarded  the  ministers  of  Victor-Emmanuel  with  a 
violence  which  must  have  been  vinous  or  alcoholic,  the  Holy  Father 
goes  on  to  vituperate,  in  the  same  strain,  certain  persons  in  the  States 
of  Mexico,  for  committing  just  the  same  enormities,  "  setting,"  says  his 
Holiness,  "  au  example  never  before  seen."  Why,  by  his  own  showing, 
it  had  been  set  by  Ricasoli  and  his  colleagues.  This  is  the  oblivion  of 
either  dotage  or  drunkenness  ;  there  is  too  much  reason  to  fear,  of  the 
latter. 

The  Pope  may  keep  in  his  cabinet  or  chest-of-drawers  a  whole  lot  of 
abusive  allocutions  handed  down  to  him  by  his  predecessors,  and  may 
have  picked  that  one  which  he  delivered  the  other  day  out  of  a  pigeon- 
hole. _  It  is  foil  of  stock  phrases—"  dens  of  robbers,"  "  schools  of  "false 
doctrine,"  "offspring  of  darkness,"  "pernicious  and  abominable 
writings,"  &c,  turning  up  like  " sklera  cceli"  and  " consonat  onme 
nemus"  in  a  schoolboy's  verses.  If  it  was  merely  a  traditional  allocu- 
tion, we  can  only  conclude  that  the  Pope  was  too  tipsy  to  adapt  it  with 
any  verisimilitude  to  existing  facts  ;  intoxicated  insomuch  as  to  make 
one  part  of  it  contradict  the  other. 

How  could  the  Pope,  if  he  had  been  anything  like  sober,  talk  about 
the  "testimonies  of  real  affection,  of  unflinching  fidelity,  of  devoted 
submission  and  generous  liberality,"  lavished  upon  him  by  the  Roman 
people?  It  is  lucky  for  him  that  "Pontius  Pilate"  has  not  taken 
him  at  his  word,  and  left  him  to  the  protection  of  his  devoted  Romans. 

Of  course  the  Holy  Father  delivered  his  allocution  in  Latin— of 
which  we  have  not  the  text.  We  only  know  that  it  began  with 
"  Venerabiles  Fratres,"  which  we  can  imagine  him  to  have  turned  into 
something    like  Ver'rabsh  Frarrah,    if   the  consistory  in  which  he 


delivered  it  was  preceded  by  a  symposium  with  Antonelli  ;  who  at- 
one of  these  champagne  bouts  will  probably  go  thrusting  liis  head  out  of 
window,  and  singing  through  his  nose,  the  following  notification  to  the 
City  and  the  Globe,  all  and  sundry,  whomsoever  it  may  concern,  that  is 
to  say  everybody  : — 

Impletur  vini  Campagnl  Papa,  ebrius  est  lepide,  et  sibi  elegit  nomen 
Clicquotiis  secundus  ; 

or,  to  translate  the  Latin  into  idiomatic  and  appropriately  accented 
English,  "Pope  'sh  gosh  'sh  shkinful  o'  Ch'mpagne,  'sh  jollydrnnk,  an' 
'sh  'shicled  to  call  'sh  shelf  by  sh'  name  o'  Clicquot  Shecond." 

We  will  not  believe  the  Pope's  allocution  to  have  been  a  tissue  of 
deliberate  inventions.  We  will  suppose  that  he  spoke  it  in  his  ales  and 
his  angers  and  mctbeglins,  his  wraths  and  cholers  and  champagnes. 


LETTER  TO  A  LADY. 


Dear  Lady  Palmerston,  85,  Fleet  Street,  B.C. 

That's  a  very  sensible  womanlike  letter  of  yours,  Madam? 
thanking  your  colliers  for  being  pleased  that  they  have  found  coals  on 
your  property.  You  caunot  attend  the  proposed  dinner,  for  Lord 
Palmerston  is  really  busy,  and  you  've  got  some  friends  coming  to 
stay  with  you,  but  you  are  very  much  obliged.  You  write  as  straight- 
forwardly and  frankly  as  your  husband,  and  put  as  little  nonsense  into 
your  notes.  I  am  very  giad  that  your  colliers  have  found  coals  for  you, 
and  I  hope  you  '11  burn  them  through  many  a  happy  Christmas,  and  so 
1  tell  you,  and  I  wish  that  the  women  would  take  a  leaf  out  of  your 
Letter-writer. 

Your  respectful  but  affectionate  friend, 

Viscountess  Palmerston.  Punch. 


P.S.  Not  a  word  of  French  in  your  letter. 
you,  "  Emily  Palmerston." 


bad  or  good.    Thank 


"The  Diet  of  Worms." 

Ead  accounts  of  the  Silk-worms  in  France  again  this  year  !  These 
fair  spinsters  have  been  going  on  very  badly  for  several  years  past, 
and  we  think  it  is  high  time  now  that  they  thought  of  turning  over  a 
new  leaf. 


vol.  xli. 


164 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[October  26,  1861. 


BRICKLAYERS 


HOW  TO  PUNISH  SOLDIERS. 

The  cat  o'  nine  tails  clearly  has  as  many  lives  as  tails,  or  it  would 
long  ago  have  died  from  the  attacks  which  have  been  made  on  it.  Page 
after  page,  and  volume  after  volume,  hath  Punch  scathed  it  with  ms 
sarcasm  and  seared  it  with  his  scorn,  and  tried  in  every  way  to  exhaust 
its  vital  breath.  It  still  drags  on,  however,  a  lingering  existence,  and, 
though  not  so  strong  in  favour  as  it  was,  it  is  by  no  means  yet  entirely 
bereft  of  lively  vigour.  This  the  following  scrap  of  military  intelligence 
will  show : — 

"  On  Monday  the  men  of  the  9th  depot  battalion  were  assembled  on  early  parade 
in  Colchester  Camp,  to  witness  the  infliction  of  the  sentence  of  a  court-martial  upon 
Private  J.  Reardon,  of  the  6th  depot,  who  had  been  found  guilty  of  drunkenness 
and  striking  a  non-commissioned  officer.  The  prisoner,  who  is  an  old  soldier,  having 
been  in  the  service  upwards  of  20  years,  had  been  frequently  convicted  of  military 
offences,  and  was  now  sentenced  to  receive  50  lashes  and  undergo  S4  days'  imprison- 
ment. He  received  his  punishment  without  saying  a  word,  and  was  afterwards 
marched  to  the  hospital,  whence  he  will  be  removed  to  a  military  prison  to  undergo 
the  remainder  of  his  sentence  so  soon  as  he  has  recovered  from  the  effects  of  the 


onoured  Punch,  —  Of  course  you  saw 
that  newspaper  report  the  other  day  of 
how  some  bricklayers  broke  into  a  bin  of 
fine  old  port,  and  swilled  it  down  as 
freely  as  though  it  had  been  swipes,  one 
of  the  party  actually  mixing  it  with  tea ! 
Don't  you  think  this  a  sad  proof  of  the 
want  of  education  among  the  working 
classes,  and  should  not  proper  steps  be 
taken  to  prevent  as  far  as  possible  the 
chance  of  its  recurrence  ?  The  bare  idea 
of  '  twenty  port '  being  swallowed  down  like  porter  is  a  dreadful 
thought  for  men  of  meditative  minds.  One  would  at  least  be  glad  to 
know  that  such  good  stuffs  were  rightly  relished,  though  one  might 
not  get  the  luck  of  tasting  it  oneself.  I  would  suggest  then  that 
a  wine  class  be  started  in  our  day-schools,  whereby  _  the  palates  of  our 
poor  might  receive  in  some  degree  a  vinous  education,  that  in  the  case 
of  any  windfalls — or  more  correctly  wine-falls — they  might  know  how 
to  smack  then-  lips  over  a  good  bottle,  and  to  drink  it  with  that  reve- 
rence which  surely  is  its  due.  To  swill  clown  port  or  claret  out  of  a 
pint  pot  appears  to  educated  tastes  a  highly  barbarous  proceeding ;  yet 
there  are  doubtless  thousands  of  our  fellow  countrymen  who  would  not 
hesitate  to  do  so  if  they  only  got  the  chance.  Let  us  then  endeavour  to 
enlighten  their  crass  ignorance,  and  to  teach  them  how  good  wine 
should  properly  be  sipped.  To  drink  a  glass  of  wine  so  as  to  extract 
the  highest  possible  enjoyment  from  it,  and  not  to  let  a  whiff  of  the 
bouquet  escape  unrelished,  is  one  of  the  fine  arts  that  requires  great 
cultivation,  and  only  constant  practice  will  enable  one  to  master  it.  Of 
course  we  can't  expect  our  boors  and  bricklayers  to  do  so,  but  we  _  may 
at  least  improve  their  understandings  so  far  as  to  prevent  then:  mixing 
port  with  tea.  Such  acts  are  a  disgrace  to  a  civilised  community,  and 
I  for  one  sha.ll  not  feel  satisfied  until  they  have  ceased. 

"  If  any  suggestion  be  thought  feasible,  I  shall  be  happy  to  subscribe 
a  few  dozens  from  my  cellar,  to  be  used  by  way  of  practice  in  the  class 
first_  set  on  foot.  And  if  you  in  your  benevolence  will  act  as  the 
receiver  of  similar  donations,  I  have  very  little  doubt  they  will  be 
speedily  poured  in. 

"  I  remain,  Sir,  yours  respectfully, 

"  Philoporttjs  Green." 

***  We  have  not  the  least  objection  to  practise  our  benevolence  in 
the  way  desired,  and  any  one  who  sends  us  a  few  dozens  of  old  port 
may  depend  that  we  shall  see  that  they  are  turned  to  good  account. 
— Punch. 


A  Eush  of  Eoyalty. 

Amidst  the  mob  of  monarchs  that  have  lately  been  favouring  Louis 
Napoleon  with  their  society,  we  think  there  is  one  King  whom  of  all 
others  the  Emperor  would  be  the  most  delighted  to  see  in  Prance  this 
year,  and  certainly  his  presence  would  be  the  most  welcomed  by  the 
manufacturing  classes  in  this  country— and  that  is,  King  Cotton,  from 
America. 

Difference  of  Tastes— In  taking  a  new  house,  the  first  thought 
of  the  woman  is  where  shall  the  piano  be  put?— Of  the  man,  which 
shall  be  the  smoking-room  ? 


This  soldier,  we  are  told,  had  been  "  frequently  convicted,"  and  no 
doubt  had  nearly  as  frequently  been  flogged.  One  infers  this  from  his 
sdent  reception  of  his  punishment,  which  shows  that,  like  the  eels  to 
skinning,  he  was  toleraob/ well  used  to  it.  His  back,  doubtless,  had 
been  toughened  by  the  whippings  it  had  borne ;  unlike  a  bit  of  beef, 
which  is  made  tender  by  much  beating.  Now,  the  object  of  all  punish- 
ment is  to  deter  and  to  amend ;  but  what  good  in  either  way  has 
flogging  ever  done  to  so  back-hardened  an  offender  ?  Where,  then,  is 
the_use  of  brutally  persisting  in  it,  seeing  that  no  benefit  appears  to  be 
derived  from  it  ? 

Again,  to  put  in  prison  for  more  than  eighty  days  a  soldier  who  is 
being  supported  by  the  country,  seems  to  us,  as  taxpayers,  a  waste  of 
bread  and  gruel,  or  whatever  other  viands  he  may  there  be  furnished 
with.  Drunkenness  is  bad,  and  striking  officers,  in  point  of  discipline, 
is  worse:  but  for  neither  of  these  offences,  nor  for  both  of  them 
together,  would  we  imprison  an  old  soldier  tor  four  and  eighty  days. 
If,  as  in  this  case,  he  had  frequently  offended,  there  would  be  no  more 
good  in  confining  than  in  flogging  him ;  and  the  best,  as  well  as 
cheapest,  thing  that  could  be  done  with  him  would  be  to  brand  him  in 
the  books  as  useless  and  incorrigible,  and  at  once  dismiss  him  from  the 
service  he  disgraced.  Surely,  were  it  known  that  on  a  third  or  fourth 
offence  a  soldier  would  be  thus  kicked  out  of  his  employment,  there 
would  be  far  fewer  old  offenders  in  the  ranks :  and  there  would  be  a 
saving  both  of  whipcord  and  of  victuals,  were  this  punishment  imposed 
instead  of  flogging  and  imprisoning  offenders  who  are  proved  to  be 
defiant  of  them  both.  In  the  name  then  of  economy,  as  well  as  of 
humanity,  we  ask  that  some  such  step  as  we  suggest  be  taken  to  free 
the  British  Army  from  blackguards  who  disgrace  it,  and  whom  the  cat 
or  the  black-hole  are  proved  incapable  to  cure. 


A  DOMESTIC  CALAMITY. 


Last  Sunday,  a  Eire  was  discovered  in  the  drawing-room  grate  of 
Mr.  N.  Pecker  a  large  baby-linen  manufacturer,  in  the  neighbour- 
hood of  Lamb's  Conduit  Street.  Instantly  the  Eire  was  discovered,  the 
alarm  was  given  by  one  of  the  servants,  when  many  minutes  did  not 
elapse  before  the  Eire  was  effectually  put  out  by  Mrs.  N.  Pecker,  who, 
in  the  most  indignant  terms,  declared  she  would  not  have  a  Eire  in 
any  house  of  hers  at  this  early  period  of  the  year.  Who  was  going  to 
polish  the  steel  bars  ? — she  was  audibly  heard  to  express  her  earnest 
desire  to  know.  We  understand  there  was  no  damage  done,  beyond  a 
ha'porth  of  wood  being  consumed ;  but  there  is  no  knowing  what  might 
have  been  the  consequences,  as  there  was  a  large  scuttle  brimful  of 
coals,  not  more  than  a  couple  of  yards'  distance  from  where  the  Eire 
first  broke  out.  The  origin  of  the  accident  is  not  known,  but  it  is 
strongly  suspected  that -Mr.  N.  Pecker  was  the  incendiary  himself,  as 
he  was  heard  oidy  a  few  minutes  before  to  declare  that  "  he  wished  the 
blazes  he  coidd  get  warm."  The  matter,  however,  has  since  been 
hushed  up.  It  is  most  fortunate  the  fire  ended  where  it  did,  as,  from 
the  inquiries  we  have  since  made,  we  do  not  think  Mr.  N.  Pecker  is 
in  a  position  to  display  the  smallest  possible  amount  of  assurance,  or 
insurance,  either ;  and  in  the  absence  of  that,  the  house  might,  to  speak 
familiarly,  have  been  made  considerably  "  too  hot  to  hold  him." 


A  Thwack  for  Thwaites. 


Q.  Of  what  "material,  should  you  say,  the  "  Board  of  Works  "  was 
composed  ? 
A.  Why,  judging  from  its  works,  certainly  not  a  great  deal. 


"  e'en  mighty  pam." — Pope. 

"  The  Government  is  a  Constable,"  says  the  wise  Sydney  Smith, 
The  Constable  is  our  Government,  says  the  equally  wise  Punch. 


October  26,  1861.] 


PUNCH.,    OR   THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI 


165 


THE  RESPECT  PAID  TO  PROPERTY. 

In  a  statistical  paper,  we  read  that  "the  National  Museums,  the 
Palaces,  the  Tower,  Greenwich  Hospital,  and  Kew  Gardens,  were 
visited,  in  the  course  of  last  year,  by  nearly  3,000,000  people."  Will 
any  fine  prejudiced  Tory,  of  the  good  old  school,  who  delights  m  harping 
upon  the  mischievous  propensities  of  the  lower  classes,  oblige  us  with 
the  information  as  to  the  exact  amount  of  damage  committed  within 
that  period  by  those  3,000,000  people  ?  He  must  be  surprised  to  learn 
that  there  is  a  single  picture,  or  curiosity,  or  work  of  art,  or  tree,  or 
shrub,  or  flower,  or  the  smallest  thing  of  value,  left  in  any  of  those 
public  buildings ! 


A  TRULY  ENORMOUS  NUISANCE. 

The  following  statement  is  made  by  Musicus  in  the  Times.  Musicus 
had  applied  for  some  reserved  seats  at  Exeter  Hall  for  the  oratorio  of 
Elijah,  and  there  were  none  to  be  had : — 

"  On  inquiry  I  ascertained  the  somewhat  amusing-  fact  that  nearly  400  seats  have 
been  sacrificed  to — Crinoline  !  The  Hall  holds  3.000  seats,  of  16  inches  each  ;  but 
the  present  fashion  requires  18,  and  reduces  the  number  of  sittings  by  370  or  375." 

The  above  statement  being  a  brief  and  eloquent  expression  of  a 
deplorable  state  of  things,  there  are  only  two  words  in  it  for  which 
Musicus  might  have  been  judiciously  advised  to  substitute  others — 
"  somewhat  amusing."  Instead  of  "  somewhat  amusing,"  he  should 
have  written  "very  disgusting."  If  civilisation  is  indicated  by  dress, 
that  of  the  present  day  is  receding,  and  has  in  a  great  measure  receded 
to  the  degree  which  it  stood  at  hi  the  Bellaston  era.  Musicus  con- 
tinues : — 

"  When  Handel  produced  his  Messiah  for  the  benefit  of  a  charity  in  Dublin,  the 
managers  are  reported  to  have  requested  the  ladies  to  dispense  with  hoops  for  the 
occasion." 

.  All  womanhood  is  fortified  with  hoops  again.  At  the  same  time  all 
Europe  is  armed.  As  it  was  hi  the  old  times  of  ferocity  and  frivolity, 
so  it  is  now.  Disaffection  to  the  reign  of  Peace  coincides  with  rebellion 
against  the  rule  of  Taste  ;  and  France  is  at  the  bottom  of  both  cala- 
mities. When  France  sleeps,  Europe  is  tranquil;  when  France  is 
agitated,  Europe  is  in  convulsions.  So  France  glories  in  saying.  To 
these  boasts  she  can  add  another  brag.  When  France  masquerades  in 
the  old  clothes  of  preposterous  vanity,  Europe  also  wears  Crinoline. 
Place  aux  dames  !  our  neighbours  may  well  exclaim.  We  too  have  also 
some  cause  to  cry  "  Room  for  the  ladies  ! "  when  400  seats  in  Exeter 
Hall  are  sacrificed  to  hoops.  What  a  mean  contemptible  nation  we 
shall  be,  male  and  female,  if  we  cannot  somehow  agree  to  reject  that 
edict  of  imperial  petticoat  government,  dictated  by  France,  which  not 
only  disfigures  the  women  of  England,  but  also  incommodes  them,  and 
not  only  incommodes  them,  but  likewise  those  who  pay  for  their  un- 
comfortable excess  of  apparel,  which  encumbers,  and  crowds,  and 
crushes  us,  and  pushes  them  off  our  stools. 

There  only  wants  some  sensible  heroine  to  bell,  or  rather  to  disbell, 
the  cat,  and  lead  her  sex  in  shaking  off  the  yoke  which  absolute  French 
absurdity  has  imposed  on  their  corporeal  circumference. 


PAINTING  THE  LILY. 

We  read  that  a  short  time  back  a  Frenchwoman  made  her  appear- 
ance at  the  Insolvent  Debtors'  Court,  who  described  herself  as  "  an 
Enameller  of  Ladies'  Faces."  It  is  a  source  of  congratidation  that  the 
business  was  not  a  profitable  one,  for  it  woidd  have  grieved  us  exces- 
sively to  learn  that  our  beautiful  countrywomen  lent  their  countenances 
to  any  process  that  tended  to  make  them  smooth-faced  in  the  finished 
manner  that  Continental  ladies  frequently  are.  Enamel  may  do  very 
well  for  the  faces  in  a  pack  of  cards,  but  then  English  beauties  need  not 
enter  into  competition  with  painted  Queens  of  Hearts ;  for  they  are 
winning  enough  of  themselves  without  resorting  to  any  such  superficial 
advantage  as  bismuth,  or  arsenic,  or  any  similar  poisonous  ingredient. 
Moreover,  a  face  that  was  enamelled  would  be  liable  to  chip,  and  we 
have  serious  doubts  whether  a  lady's  nose,  that  was  in  that  flawed  con- 
dition, would  stand  out  to  the  best  advantage,  even  though  it  were  set 
off,  in  the  way  of  tasteful  uniformity,  by  the  most  beautiful  of  chip 
bonnets.  Then,  think  of  the  vulgar  remarks  that  would  infallibly  be 
made.  Fancy  a  heavy  dragsman  saying  with  the  most  languid  contempt, 
as  though  he  were  expatiating  on  a  rare  specimen  of  damaged  crockery  : 
"  Yes,  she  certainly  is  one  of  Nature's  finest  bits  of  porcelain,  but  what 
a  pity  she  is  chipped ! " 


Specimens  of  a  North-American  Examination. 

Schoolmaster.  What  do  you  call  the  Cotton  Tree  ? 
Patriotic  Pupil.  A  branch  of  Treason. 
Schoolmaster.  Has  it  any  root  ? 
Patriotic  Pupil.  Slavery. 
Schoolmaster.  What  is  its  seed  like  ? 
Patriotic  Pupil.  Sedition. 

[The  Pupil  is  patted  on  the  head,  and  presented  with  a  hundred- 
l/laded  bowie-knife  hy  way  of  prize. 


GLORIOUS  GALAXY  OF  TALENT. 

Both  Prince  Napoleon  and  Tom  Thumb  have  been  stopping  at 
that  magnificent  Hotel,  the  St.  Lawrence  Hall,  in  Montreal,  at  the  same 
time.  Both  were  tremendous  favourites :  in  fact,  it  would  be  difficult 
to  say  which  of  the  two  stood  the  higher  in  the  public  estimation.  If 
it  were  to  be  measured  by  kisses,  we  should  decidedly  say  that  the 
General  was  more  popular  with  the  ladies.  By  a  private  arrangement, 
so  as  not  to  clash,  the  Prince  and  the  General  received  on  different 
nights.  It  was  reported  that  the  General  had  challenged  the  Prince  to 
give  a  series  of  representations,  a  la  Napoleon  Bonaparte,  in  cos- 
tume, and  everything  complete,  but  we  can  only  say  that,  at  all  events 
the  challenge,  if  offered,  was  never  accepted  ;  and  we  think  the  Prince 
displayed  unusually  good  taste  in  declining  it. 


THE  ANGELIC  DOCTOR. 


Our  friend  and  contributor,  Dr.  Cummin g,  has  delivered  a  lecture 
at  Manchester  on  the  old  subject.  He  sticks  to  it  that  1867  will  see  the 
world  out,  in  some  way,  and  will,  at  least,  be  the  end  of  all  chronology ; 
and  if  we  exist,  it  will  be  in  an  unchronological  period.  We  have  not  the 
least  idea  what  this  sort  of  living  will  be,  or  whether  it  will  hurt  much ; 
but  one  thing  is  quite  certain,  namely,  that  if  there  is  no  more  time, 
preachers  will  not  be  able  to  waste  time  in  talking  intolerable  nonsense. 
Further,  Dr.  Cumming  declares  that,  whatever  change  may  be 
wrought  in  us,  he,  for  one,  does  not  desire  to  be  an  angel.  Dr.  Cum- 
ming, for  shame,  Sir  !  Mock  modesty  is  a  mark  of  bad  breeding ._  As 
if  you  did  not  know  that  you  are  an  angel  already  !  Ask  the  ladies  of 
your  flock,  ye  ould  dissembler  !  Flap  yer  wings,  ye  ould  deluder,  and 
stop  that  sort  of  thing  ! 


A  Vicious  Court  Circular. 

The  Times  said  a  very  rude  thing,  we  hope  unconsciously,  in  a  leading 
article  on  the  interview  between  the  King  of  Prussia  and  the  Emperor 
of  the  French.  It  said  that  the  two  sovereigns  "had  got  into  a 
vicious  circle."  Now  Punch,  who  knows  everything,  knows  that  the 
phrase  is  one  of  dialectics.  But  people  who  don't  know  everything 
may  remember  what  Mirabeau  said,  when  an  oratorical  opponent 
announced  that  he  should  now  shut  up  M.  Mirabeau  in  a  vicious 
circle.  "  What  ?  Is  the  honourable  member  going  to  embrace  me  ?  " 
Did  the  two  Sovereigns  embrace  ? 


106 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[October  26,  1861 


CONFIRMED    BACHELOR. 

Blaster  G.  O'Mtta.  "  Deaw  !    How  Shocking!    There's  another  good  Fellah  done  for!" 

Cousins.  "  Why  what  has  happened,  Gus  ? " 

Ous.  "  Happened  !    Why  Charley  Bagshot  Gone  Married  ! " 


THE  CHANT  OF  COMPIEGNE. 

{With  a  Fashionable  Burden) 

There  's  a  downy  cove  at  the  Tuileries, 

But  at  Potsdam 's  as  downy  a  one  -. 
And  Louis  is  not  more  anxious  to  do, 

Thau  William  not  to  be  done. 
As  the  Baden  Conference  proved  a  sell, 

Let 's  try  what  Compiegne  will  do  : 
With  dinner  and  dance,  with  pic-nic  and  play, 

The  German  must  come  to  ! 
So  we  '11  sugar  the  web,  and  we  '11  butter  the 
web, 

But  the  tiy  only  says,  says  he, 
"  I  'm  a  young  man  from  the  country, 

But  you  don't  come  over  me  !  " 

"  I  '11  give  you  a  lift  upon  the  Throne 

Of  united  Germanie : 
An  Army  upon  the  Eider, 

^And  a  Fleet  upon  the  Spree  : 
I  '11  give  you  Schleswig,  as  appanage 

Des  Deutschen  Vaterland. 
And  all  I  ask  of  you  in  exchange, 

Is  a  strip  of  Rhenish  sand  !  " 
So  he  sugared  the  web,  and  he  buttered  the 
web, 

But  the  fly  only  said,  said  he, 
"I'ma  young  man  from  the  country, 

But  you  don't  come  over  me  !  " 

"  I  '11  set  your  foot  upon  the  neck 
Of  Austrian  and  Dane ; 


Make  England's  self  to  disavow 

Her  own  Macdonald  fain. 
Who  calls  a  Prussian  blockhead 

As  traitor  I  '11  indict : 
Vote  your  police  intelligent, 

Your  railway- guards  polite." 
So  he  sugared  the  web,  and  he  buttered  the 
web, 

But  the  fly  only  said,  said  he, 
"Piua  young  man  from  the  country, 

But  you  don't  come  over  me  !  " 

"  The  wolf's  hitentions_  may  be  kind 

Towards  his  fleecy  friends, 
When  how  they  may  shake  off  the  bore 

Of  dogs  he  recommends. 
But  Prussia's  debt  to  France  is  scored 

In  red-ruled  lines  too  plain  : 
And  we  don't  wish  to_  do  the  work 

Of  Leipsic  o'er  again. 
So  sugar  the  web,  and  butter  the  web, 

The  fly  only  says,  says  he, 
"Tma  young  man  from  the  country, 

But  you  don't  come  over  me  !  ' 

"  Your  hon'rable  intentions  all 

With  gratitude  I  hail : 
But  promises  to  pay  are  not 

Quite  payments  on  the  nail. 
If  frontiers  must  be  rectified, 

And  treaties  overhauled,^ 
Suppose  we  dropped  our  tete-a-tete, 

And  had  a  Congress  called  ? 


But  as  things  stand  between  us  two  ! 

All  I  say  is,  d'  ye  see, — 
"  '  I'm  a  young  man  from  the  country, 

But  you  can't  come  over  me  ! ' 

"  liyou  have  frontiers  to  round, 

/  've  frontiers  to  maintain : 
Without  my  loss  I  don't  quite  see 

How  I  can  help  your  gain. 
My  German  wits  they  may  be  dull, 

And  yours  are  sharp,  I  know ; 
But  if  upon  one  rope  we  pull, 

I  fear  you  might  let  go  : 
Then  head  o'er  heels  when  I  was  hurled, 

No  more  my  song  would  be, 
"  '  I  'm  a  young  man  from  the  country, 

But  you  can't  come  over  me  ! ' ' 


The   Royal  Exchange. 

Monarchs  are  generally  known  more  from 
their  military,  than  their  civil  qualities.  This 
may  be  one  of  the  reasons  why  every  one  has 
laughed  at  the  notion  of  the  King  ofPrussia 
visiting  the  Emperor  or  the  French  merely 
to  "exchange  civilities."  It  is  seemingly 
something  so  very  new  for  monarchs  to  be 
civil  to  one  another,  that  when  they  do,  no 
one  gives  them  credit  for  it.  Nothing  will 
disabuse  politicians  of  their  deeply-rooted  con- 
viction that  a  King's  visiting-book  and  the 
Civil  List  are  not  totally  different  things. 


ft     t=j 


o 


o 


H    K| 

O  O 

a  a 

o  Q 

H  P> 

So 

o  K 

fed  M 
K  Q 

e  o 

._  cj 

8   ^ 


> 

H 
O 

o 

H— I 

Q 


October  26,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


1G9 


A    MODEL    MISCELLANY. 

That  admirable  Roundabout  Paper,  tbe  Globe  (we  speak  geometrically 
only,  for  consistency  is  one  of  its  many  merits),  is  a  very  entertaining 
miscellany,  and  a  great  comfort  during  the  club-hour  between  ordering 
your  dinner  and  getting  it.  Not  the  least  of  its  attractions  is  its  concise 
summary  of  the  news  of  the  current  day.  And  not  the  least  of  the 
attractions  of  that  summary  is  the  mode  in  which  fashionable  intelli- 
gence is  relieved,  sandwich-fashion,  by  general  information.  You  read  pi 
the  travels  of  a  Duke,  and  next  you  are  told  of  the  flight  of  a  duck. 
Following  the  announcement  that  Me.  Roebuck  is  at  Scarborough  (we 
hope  we  are  right,  and  beg  his  pardon,  in  advance,  if  we  err  as  to  a  fact 
of  such  magnitude),  we  read  that  the  show  of  terriers  in  Holborn  was 
most  interesting.  We  learn  that  a  group  of  small  celebrities  have  gone 
into  Staffordshire  to  attend  an  agricultural  meeting,  and  then  we  are 
apprised  that  large  flocks  of  magpies  have  been  noticed  crossing  the 
eastern  counties.  Other  things  worth  knowing  are  thus  interspersed 
among  things  which  may  not  be  so  well  worth  knowing,  and  the  com- 
bination is  very  felicitous.  We  conceive  this  to  be  a  great  improve- 
ment on  the  ordinary  dull  string  of  fashionable  announcements,  and  would 
immortalise  the  invention  by  offering  a  specimen,  from  recollection  :— 

Mr.  Henley  has  been  staying  on  a  visit  with  the  noble  owner  of 
Battleaxe  Castle,  but  is  expected  to  return  to  his  own  residence  in  the 
course  of  five  or  six  days  or  a  week  at  most. 

The  inhabitants  of  some  of  the  houses  in  the  Regent's  Park  have  been 
of  late  disturbed  by  incessant  growling  of  an  unusual  description.  It 
has  been  ascertained  that  this  proceeded  from  a  fine  old  bear  in  the 
Zoological  Gardens,  who  evinces  much  dissatisfaction  at  the  whine  of  a 
French  poodle  recently  introduced. — Marylebone  Mirror. 

Lord  Robert  Montagu  has  been  pheasant-shooting  for  the  last 
week  in  the  neighbourhood  of  Chichester. 

"  The  best  way,"  says  Rochefoucauld,  "  of  silencing  a  bore  is  the 
going  out  of  the  room  in  the  middle  of  one  of  his  melancholy  disquisi- 
tions." 

Mr.  Disraeli,  who  is  in  the  enjoyment  of  excellent  health  and  spirits, 
has  been  making  a  short  tour  in  Wales,  but  is  expected  at  Hughenden 
Manor  on  Thursday  next. 

"  It  is  strange  to  observe  the  unwilling  yet  complete  obedience  which 
a  certain  class  of  animal  is  compelled  to  yield  to  the  superior  intelligence 
of  a  creature  of  a  higher  order.  Reluctantly,  but  submissively,  animals 
of  a  bucolic  character  follow  the  guidance  of  a  vigilant  sheep-dog,  and 
receive  his  prompt  punishment  of  then  errors  with  displeased  murmurs, 
but  without  attempt  at  resistance. — Farmers'  Chronicle  and  Agricul- 
turist's Guzette. 

Lord  Palmerston  on  Friday  last  inspected  the  Yeomanry  of  the 
Bumblepuppy  district,  and  pronounced  a  warm  eulogium  upon  their 
soldierly  bearing,  and  the  absence  of  any  tumbling  off  horses,  even  at 
the  sudden  discharge  of  fire-arms. 

There  seems  to  be  no  valid  reason  for  the  apprehension  that  appears 
to  have  been  felt  lest  there  should  not  be  an  adequate  supply  of  butter, 
this  autumn,  in  the  rural  districts. — Mark  Lane  Express, 

Lord  Russell,  after  the  Newcastle  banquet,  at  once  returned  to 
town,  and  attended  the  Cabinet  Council  on  Wednesday  last. 
_  "  It  may  be  considered  generally  true,  that  a  reasonable  quantity  of 
silence  befits  a  wise  and  sane  man,  but  it  by  no  means  follows  that  a 
box  is  full  because  the  lid  is  shut  down." — Carlyle. 

Lord  Dudley  has  been  delivering  a  speech  in  Worcestershire,  and 
has  spoken  in  harsh  and  contemptuous  terms  of  the  contest  in  America. 
He  said,  "  the  most  childish  and  suicidal  folly  was  going  on  on  the  other 
side  of  the  Atlantic,  between  the  horrible  trade  of  slavery  on  the  one 
hand  and  blackguard  cowardice  on  the  other." 

The  report  of  that  admirable  institution  the  Asylum  for  Idiots  has 
just  been  issued,  and  it  is  gratifying  to  state  its  "resources  are  pros- 
perouS;  and  that  owing  to  the  excellent  arrangements  of  the  architect, 
there  is  still  accommodation  ready  for  any  unfortunate  who  may  need 
shelter. 


A  WOULD-BE  AUTO  DA  EE. 

The  good  cause  of  Spiritualism  is  highly  indebted  to  the  Bishop  oe 
Barcelona.  That  exemplary  prelate,  the  other  day,  was  so  good  as  to 
order  three  hundred  volumes,  including  various  periodicals,  on  the 
subject  of  spiritual  manifestations,  seized  by  the  police  on  the  shelves 
of  a  bookseller,  to  be  publicly  consigned  to  the  flames  on  that  especial 
part  of  the  esplanade  of  his  episcopal  city  whereon  criminals  condemned 
to  death  are  wont  to  be  executed.  This  auto  da  fe  was  celebrated  with 
the  pomp  befitting  so  awful  a  solemnity.  A  priest  presided  over  the 
bonfire  ;  his  reverence  was  attired  in  full  canonicals,  and  held  a  torch 
in  one  hand  and  a  cross  in  the  other.  A  public  notary  and  his  clerk 
also  attended  for  the  purpose  of  legally  and  formally  recording  the  fiery 
judgment  executed  upon  these  works  of  darkness,  to  which  all  the 
ceremony  observed  in  then  destruction,  will  attach  an  importance  that 
cannot  but  greatly  attract  readers  to  the  perusal,  and  much  increase 
the  circulation,  of  similar  productions. 

As  the  priest  and  his  assistants  withdrew  from  the  scene  of  execution, 
they  were  assailed  with  storms  of  hisses,  and  shouts  of  "  Down  with 
the  Inquisition  !  "  It  is  thus  clear  that  in  causing  spiritualistic  works 
to  be  burnt,  the  Bishop  of  Barcelona  has  done  somewhat,  and  per- 
haps not  a  little,  to  render  Popery  unpopular  in  Spain,  and  promote 
|  the  popularity  of  Spiritualism  in  that  country. 

The  right  reverend  prelate  might  have  adopted  the  less  happy  plan 
I  of  burning  the  obnoxious  volumes  quietly,  as  another  more  discreet 
'  ecclesiastic  disposed  of  certain  story-books  of  knight-errantry,  treating 
'  them  as  mere  mischievous  trash.  But  he  fortunately  thought  proper  to 
I  make  their  cremation  public,  and  cause  it  to  be  performed  with  all  the 
i  honours  of  exorcism.  No  doubt  the  priest,  who  attended  cross  in 
!  hand,  didy  sprinkled  the  condemned  productions  with  holy  water,  with 
|  the  idea  of  adding  fuel  to  the  fire  that  consumed  them,  and  expelling 
'  those  particular  spirits  which  he  believed  to  be  the  agents  that  operate 
'  in  Spiritualism. 

The  Bishop  of  Barcelona  is  evidently  the  right  man  in  the  right 

!  place,  and  there  at  the  right  time.    Two  or  three  centimes  ago  he 

I  might  have  got  hold  of  the  authors  of  the  above-mentioned  publications 

|  on  spiritual  phenomena,  and  have  caused  the  former,  under  the  name  of 

necromancers  and  sorcerers,  to  be  reduced  to  ashes  along  with  the 

latter.    That  would  not  be  so  pleasant  for  Spiritualists  as  the  merely 

symbolical  and  typical  martyrdom  of  being  burnt  hi  print.    As  it  is, 

the  Bishop  can  burn  nobody  along  with  forbidden  books  except  himself, 

in  burning,  as  it  were,  his  own  fingers. 


A  Natural  Acquaintance. 


In  George  Herbert  (Herbert  on  Herbs  ought  to  be  a  good 
authority)  we  meet  with  the  following  hues  :— 

"  Herbs  gladly  heal  our  flesh,  because  that  they 
Find  their  acquaintance  there." 

We  do  not  know  what  herbs  they  can  be  that  find  acquaintance  with 
the  human  body,  unless  they  are  Simples  ?  Extremely  touching,  and 
flattering,  we  are  sure  ! 


A  Prophecy  not  very  Difficult  of  Fulfilment  !— Mr.  Bowyer 
declares  there  are  as  many  good  Popes  in  the  Romish  See  as  ever  yet 
came  out  of  it. 


INCREDIBLE  HUMBUG. 


The  following  statement  with  regard  to  the  prisoner  Cogan,  who 
was  hanged  the  other  clay  at  the  Old  Bailey,  protesting  his  innocence 
to  the  last,  occurs  in  the  Times : — 

"  The  body  was  removed  after  being  suspended  the  usual  time.  An  application 
was  afterwards  made  for  pel-mission  to  take  a  cast  of  the  head  and  face,  but,  acting 
on  the  advice  of  Mr.  Gibson,  the  prison  surgeon,  that  in  his  opinion  such  a  pro- 
ceeding was  unnecessary  for  any  purpose  of  science,  the  Sheriffs  declined  to  assent 
to  it." 

The  reporter  of  the  foregoing  must  have  made  a  mistake.  No 
surgeon,  surely,  could  have  expressed  the  opinion  attributed  to 
Mr.  Gibson.  There  are  few  people  who  do  not  think  that  there  is 
something  in  phrenology.  It  is  a  matter  of  notorious  fact  that  the 
heads  of  criminals  exhibit  in  general  a  peculiar  conformation,  being 
dwarfed  in  front  and  at  top,  and  enlarged  below  and  behind.  It  is 
obviously  a  question  of  some  scientific  importance,  whether  or  no  this 
coincidence  between  type  of  head  and  character  implies  connection. 
Such  may  not  be  the  case.  Phrenology  may  be  not  even  so  much  as 
partially  true,  but  all  stuff  and  nonsense.  But  whether  it  is  all 
humbug  or  not  is  a  question  only  to  be  determined  by  such  pro- 
ceedings as  taking  casts  of  the  heads-  of  malefactors  and  others — by 
such  a  proceeding  as  that  which  Mr.  Gibson  is  represented,  no 
doubt  erroneously,  as  declaring  to  be  unnecessary  for  any  purpose  of 
science._  Such  a  declaration  would  become  a  shuffling  bishop,  desirous 
of  stifling  theological  investigation,  but  is  quite  unworthy  of  any 
eidightened  surgeon,  the  minister  and  interpreter  of  Nature  and  truth. 


GREATEST  LITERARY  NEWS  EVER  HEARD. 

"  Lord  Auckland,  the  Bishop  of  Bath  and  Wells,  is  "preparing  for  the  public  a 
selection  from  the  Eden  papers." 

This  news  is  so  astounding  that  Mr.  Punch  has  no  remark  to  make 
on  it.  There  is  said  tobe  in  the  possession  of  an  ancient  German 
family  a  picture  illustrating  the  great  importance  of  that  family  in  very 
early  times.  Noah  comes  out  of  the  Ark  with  the  only  article^  worth 
his  personal  attention,  a  box  lettered  "  Papers  of  the  House  of  Hol- 
lenburg."  But  the  Eden  papers  beat  everything.  Mr.  Punch  has 
nothing  to  say,  except  that  the  Bishop  is  a  lucky  Editor.  Will  he  give 
Adam's  autograph? 


170 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVABI. 


[October  26,  1861. 


Excited  Juvenile.  "  Oh,  Uncle  dear,  do  dance  with  me — it's  only  a  Galop . 


THE  SCHOOL  TOR  SOLDIERS. 

TO  TWO  PRINCES. 

Exiles  of  exalted  station, 

Go,  and  in  the  cannon's  mouth, 
Seek  the  bubble  reputation 

In  the  war  of  North  and  South. 
If,  above  mere  murderous  fooling-, 

Some  advantage  you  pursue, 
Go  and  get  a  martial  schooling 

In  a  strife  that 's  nought  to  you. 

Qualify  yourselves  as  leaders, 

Ready  for  a  future  day ; 
Practising  upon  Seceders : 

Game  as  fair  as  birds  to  slay. 
Conscience  sleeping,  late  to  waken, 

Licensed  cut-throats,  learn  your  trade  ; 
If  you  're  hanged  should  you  be  taken, 

Two  examples  will  be  made. 

You  '11  rejoice  to  fall  with  glory  ; 

Smile  in  dying,  red  with  sin  ? 
Bravos  tell  a  different  story 

When  in  pangs  of  death  they  grin. 
Heaving  groans  of  desperation, 

Crushed  by  shot  or  torn  with  shell ; 
All  their  hope  anniliilation ; 

Weigh  the  other  prospect  well ! 


Some  Persons  are  Never  Satisfied. 

A  Poor  simpleton  was  complaining  of  a  large  sum  of 
money  that  he  had  lost  through  a  friend,  when  the  com- 
panion, into  whose  sympathetic  ears  he  was  pouring  liis 
griefs,  inquired  if  he  still  retained  his  friend  ?  Upon  being- 
answered  in  the  affirmative,  the  phdosophic  advice  was, 
"  Then,  be  content,  my  dear  fellow ;  you  can't  expect  to 
have  both  your  money  and  your  friend." 


MR.  PUNCH  ON  SOME  POPULAR  DELUSIONS. 

TOUCHING  TRAVELLERS  BRITISH  AND  FOREIGN. 

Mr.  Punch  asserted  last  week,  and  is  prepared  most  honestly 
and  earnestly  to  maintain,  that  English  travellers  of  both  sexes  are,  as 
a  class,  the  best  dressed  travellers  to  be  met  with ;  but  he  anticipates 
more  cavil  and  question  of  his  second  thesis,  that  the  English  are,  as  a 
rule,  the  best  mannered  travellers,  and  treaters  of  travellers, — at  least 
in  comparison  with  our  nearest  Continental  neighbours,  Erench,  Bel- 
gians, and  Germans.  Italians  and  Orientals  are  both,  inherently  and 
instinctively,  polite. 

Such  is  the  conviction  which  has  forced  itself  upon  Mr.  Punch  in 
the  course  of  a  cosmopolitan  experience.  There  are  two  things  which, 
on  his  landing  from  the  Channel  steamer,  he  invariably  hails  at  Dover 
with  intense  thankfulness  and  satisfaction ;  the  first,  draught  of  malt 
from  the  pewter,  and  the  first  quarter  of  an  hour  of  an  English  railway. 

People  may  complain,  and  with  reason,  of  the  recklessness  of  our 
railway  management.  No  doubt  we  do  start  trains  too  quickly  on 
each  other's  heels;  no  doubt  the  pace  is  occasionally  too  fast  for 
signalling  or  signal  reading,  and  the  horrors  of  a  smash,  when  it  does 
come,  are  terrific ;  but  Mr.  Punch,  all  things  weighed,  would 
rather  risk  a  smash  on  an  English  line,  than  crawl  in  sorrowful, 
or  savage  safety  on  a  Belgian,  German,  or  Erench  one  ;  and  this,  not 
for  the  advantage  in  speed  only,  or  mainly,  but  because  of  the  ineffable 
superiority  of  our  English  railway  system  in  every  point  that  affects  the 
traveller's  comfort.  And  first  and  foremost  (which  brings  us  to  the 
point  of  this  Essay)  because  of  the  comparative  good  breeding  of 
English  travellers  and  railway  officials  of  all  classes. 

You  are  fresh  from  the  chafe,  say,  of  one  of  those  wearisome  wander- 
ings to  and  fro  in  a  network  of  Belgian  lines,  in  which  you  have  been 
hustled  from  carriage  to  carriage  on  a  damp  morning  (perhaps  after  a 
night  of  railway  travelling)  once  every  half  hour,  on  an  average,  between 
Mechlin  and  Lille,  with  perpetually  recurring  halts  of  ten  miuutes,  but 
no  stoppage  long  enough  for  a  meal ;  or  you  are  still  bleeding  under 
the  ecorchement  inflicted  upon  you  in  one  of  those  unconscionable 
buffets  (I  need  not  name  names)  between  Paris  and  Calais  or  Bou- 
logne, where  you  have  been  made  to  pay  a  franc  for  a  pear,  or  a  franc 
and  a  half  for  a  roll  and  a  basin  of  warm  water  with  a  greasy  scum  on  the 
surface,  called  a  bouillon. 

But,  in  the  best  of  cases,  even  if  your  journey  has  been  unharassed 
by  shifting  of  carriages,  broken  by  rationally-arranged  halts  for  food, 


unaggravated  by  any  peculiarly  impudent  demand  upon  your  purse,  you 
come  ashore,  labouring  under  a  lively  sense  of  the  social  and  personal 
inferiority  which  it  seems  the  object  of  Continental  railway  manage- 
ment to  impress  upon  you.  You  have  been  "  cliivied,''  first  of  all,  through 
the  bureau  for  the  registering  of  your  baggage.  This  may  be  the  less 
infliction  to  a  large  class  of  Continental  travellers,  as  they  can  exist  for 
long  periods  on  an  infinitesimal  allowance  of  shirts,  socks,  and  under- 
garments generally.  Mr.  Punch  once  knew  a  German  professor  of 
European  reputation,  who  made  a  three  months'  round  of  English 
country-houses  with  a  little  bag,  not  larger  than  a  lady's  railway  reticule, 
pour  tout  bagage,  and  there  was  no  reliable  record  of  liis  having  run  up  a 
washing  bill  the  whole  time.  But  Paterfamilias  can't  carry  Mrs.  P. 
and  his  two  daughters  about  the  world  on  a  carpet-bag.  The  family  have 
a  prejudice  in  favour  of  clean  linen  and  plenty  of  it ;  and  the  ladies,  for  all 
the  Times  may  say  of  them — are  not  quite  above  feminine  considerations 
in  the  matter  of  bonnets  and  crinolines.  Well,  take  that  registering  of 
baggage  to  begin  with.  Can  there  be  a  greater  and  idler  nuisance  ? 
Polks  talk  of  the  security  and  comfort  of  the  thing  !  As  if  there  was 
not  just  as  much  security  ensured  by  the  blue  or  pink  ticket  which  an 
active  porter  claps  on  your  portmanteaus  in  two  seconds  on  a  British 
platform,  by  help  of  paste-tin  and  pound-brush  (I  wish,  by  the  way,  they 
weren't  quite  so  liberal  of  their  paste  at  London  Bridge  and  Paddington) 
as  in  all  the  Continental  apparatus  of  Bureaux  des  Bar/ages— the 
delay,  and  the  long  range  of  inaccessible  counters,  and  the  extortionate 
porters,  and  the  hustling,  bustling,  shoving  passengers,  and  weighers,  and 
uniformed  officials  shut  into  wire-safes,  who  contemptuously  take  your 
money  and  push  you  out  a  receipt;  a  "  scheme  "  as  they  call  the  document 
in  Germany,  and  many  a  shine  I  have  known  raised  about  those  trouble- 
some slips  of  limp  paper,  which  will  keep  crumpling  themselves  into  im- 
possible corners  of  your  pockets,  or  getting  into  the  folds  of  letters,  or 
hiding  themselves  in  unknown  compartments  of  your  porte-monnaie,  as 
if  they  preferred  any  refuge  to  the  hands  of  a  foreign  railway  official— 
and  I  am  not  surprised  at  it.  What  rational  man  or  woman  ever 
needed  more  security  than  is  given  by  our  simple  and  unceremonious— 
ready,  but  not  rough, — English  system  of  receiving,  ticketing,  and  dis- 
posing of  luggage  ?  And  as  to  trouble  ;  as  to  the  difficulty  spared,  or 
caused,  to  nervous  old  gentlemen,  or  unprotected  females,  by  the  two 
systems  respectively ;  I  maintain  that  the  struggle,_  and  bustle,  and 
worry,  and  waste  of  time  over  the  luggage,  at  the  beginning  and  end  of 
a  railway  journey  is  as  fifty  abroad,  and  as  five  at  home  ;  and  I  appeal  for 
confirmation  of  my  proportions  to  every  traveller,  young  or  old,  male 
or  female,  strong  or  weak,  cool  or  fidgety, — who  knows  both  systems. 


Octobeb  26,  1861.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


171 


Then,  after  you  have  escaped  from  the  baggage-bureau,  run  the 
gauntlet  of  a  crowd  of  craving  porters,  one  to  a  package  (and  note 
that  the  railway  porter,  the  man  paid  as  well  as  badged  and  clothed 
by  the  company,  seems  unknown  on  the  Continent,  where  no  man  will 
carry  anything  beyond  the  nearest  point  at  which  he  can  put  his  burden 
down,  for  somebody  else  to  take  up,  and  so  on)  comes  the  penning  up 
in  the  waiting-rooms,  under  the  surveillance  of  more  haughty  men  in 
uniform,  who  guard  the  doors,  and  scowl  on  you,  and  insist  on  seeing 
your  tickets  every  time  you  pass  in  or  out,  and  then,  when  the  doors 
are  opened,  comes  another  rush,  in  which  devil  take  the  hindmost  is  as 
much  ihe  ride  as  it  was  in  the  Bureau  des  ha gages. 

Here  again  contrast  the  two  systems — the  Continental  one  of 
waiting-room  pens,  in  which  passengers  are  "ponded-up,"  as  the 
sanitary  engineers  say,  for  a  longer  or  shorter  period  (for  you  must  be 
at  the  station  ten  minutes  before  the  train's  starting,  or  five  minutes,  or 
such  other  period  as  the  high  and  mighty  administration  may  think 
proper  to  impose  on  you)  to  be  flushed  on  to  the  platform,  through  a 
single  doorway,  by  a  sort  of  turncock  in  a  uniform  and  glazed  cap  ;  and 
ours,  where  you  drive  down  to  the  station  at  your  own  time — so  you  can 
but  catch  the  train— take  your  ticket,  pass  on  to  the  platform,  choose 
your  seat,  deposit  your  wraps,  see  your  baggage  whipped  into  van  or 
carriage,  according  as  it  is  bulky  or  compressed,  and  all  in  two  minutes, 
without  once  feeling  the  pressure  of  the  administration,  or  being 
reminded  of  the  iron  hand  by  the  presence  of  a  uniform. 

I  say,  again  and  again,  that  the  one  system  shows  an  utter  absence 
of  that  respect  for  the  traveller  which  is  the  very  basis  of  the  other ; 
in  which  all  is  calculated  on  the  theory  that  the  traveller  is  a  self- 
respecting,  intelligent,  responsible  being.  Abroad,  you  are  treated  as 
much  as  possible  like  a  parcel ;  in  England  vou  feel  you  are  a  human 
being — a  passenger  with  eyes,  hands,  and  a  head  of  your  own. 

All  tliis  is  not  digressive.  It  belongs  directly  to  our  very  subject, 
the  relative  good-breeding  of  our  travellers  abroad  and  at  home.  For, 
humanity  is  polite  in  proportion  as  it  is  politely  dealt  with.  If  it  be 
true,  as  the  laureate  sings,  that — 

"  Gently  comes  the  world  to  those 
That  are  cast  in  gentle  mould," 

it  is  equally  true,  that  those  only  give  back  gentleness  who  are 
gently  handled  by  the  powers  and  people  about  them.  It  is  impossible 
for  a,  French  or  German  traveller,  who  is  habitually  made  to  feel  that 
he  is  as  dirt  under  the  feet  of  the  uniformed  Jack  in  Office,  who  orders 
him  in  and  out  of  the  Bureau  des  bagages  and  the  waiting-room — orders 
him  into  the  carriage— into  his  place  in  the  carriage— orders  him  out  of 
it— orders  him  in  fact  from  beginning  to  end  of  his  journey — it  is  im- 
possible, I  say,  for  this  oppressed  and  uniform-ridden  foreigner,  not  to 
wipe  off  on  you  or  me  some  of  the  insolence  which  has  been  showered 
on  him.  When  Captain  Absolute  kicks  Fag  down-stairs,  Fag  revenges 
himself  by  kicking  the  scullery-boy. 

There  may  be  other  reasons,  but  Mr.  Punch  knows  none  in  his  belief 
so  operative  as  this,  to  account  for  the  fact  (for  fact  it  is)  that  your 
average  railway  traveller  on  a  French,  Belgian  or  German  line  is  apt 
to  be  selfish  and  sulky,  always  ready  to  steal  a  march  upon  men  and  to 
be  impertinent  to  women ;  that  his  voice  is  loud  and  harsh,  his  bearing 
provocative  and  outrecuidant,  his  way  of  getting  in  and  out  of  the 
carriage  rude,  his  rush  to  a  buffet-table,  his  way  of  digging  into  the 
viands  set  out,  and  his  general  comportment  and  behaviour  at  his  meals, 
hoggish :  and  for  the  fact,  which  is  equally  beyond  dispute,  that  the 
bearing  of  most  English  travellers  is  the  most  perfect  contrast  to  this ; 
that  self-respect  makes  them  as  a  rule  deferential,  soft  of  voice, 
chivalrous  to  women,  ready  to  concede  to  men,  and  if  sometimes  stiff 
and  silent,  never  brusque,  braggart,  brutal,  or  bullying. 

Nothing  need  be  said  of  the  contrast  between  the  officials  with  whom 
the  traveller  comes  most  into  contact  abroad  and  at  home,  because  this 
must  be  patent  to  every  person  who  has  ever  travelled  by  a  Continental 
and  an  English  line. 

It  goes  so  far,  that  when  Mr.  Punch  lands  at  Dover  he  feels  as  if  he 
had  passed  from  a  region  of  coercion,  self-assertion  and  rudeness,  to  a 
realm  of  independence,  self-restraint,  and  good  breeding.  It  is  a  positive 
pleasure  to  him  to  ask  a  question  of  a  railway  guard,  or  a  service  of  a 
railway  porter.  He  knows  he  will  get  a  civil  answer,  in  a  soft  voice, 
or  the  ready  help  of  a  strong  and  willing  arm.  People  may  say  that 
the  expectation  of  a  "tip"  lies  at  the  bottom  of  both.  Mr.  Punch  can 
only(  say  he  finds  the  foreigner,  in  and  out  of  uniform,  quite  as  ready  for 
the  tip,"  but  that  it  does  not  produce  in  his  case  the  equivalent  in 
civility  or  service.  And  with  this  avowal  of  his  faith,  he  pulls  up  for 
the  present. 


HORRID    MURDER    OF    MOZART. 

Among  sundry  new  musical  works 
lately  announced,  there  is 
one  which  bears  the  title 
following  : — 

"  11  mio   Tesoro.  Cavatine   de 

l'opera  de  Mozart.  Transcrite  et 

variee  pour  le  piano.  Par  Polydon 
de  Vos." 

We  have  not  had  the  mis- 
fortune to  hear  this  trans- 
cription and  variation  of  Mo- 
zart ;   but  suppose  that  it 
corresponds  pretty  nearly  to 
Gibber's  improvements  and 
augmentations     of     Shaks- 
peare.    We  are  told  by  a 
musical  critic,   in    a    notice 
of  this  composition,  or  rather 
decomposition,  that   M.    de 
Vos  has  been  guilty  of  "giv- 
ing a  totally  different  reading 
of  the    accompaniment"  to 
the  beautiful    air  which  he 
has  had  the  audacity  to  garble, 
and  that  he  has  dared  "to 
lead  off  his  transcription  with 
the  opening   bar   of   La   ci 
darem,"  gruffly  uttered  in  the 
bass,  whilst  "  the  phrase  of  this  solitary  bar  is  alternated  with  arpezzi 
by  way  of  introduction  to  '  II  mio  Tesoro?  the  air  of  which  is  frittered 
away  in  unmeaning  and  unoriginal  embellishments"    What  sort  of 
a  man  is  this  M.  de  Vos  ?    Not  a  nice  one,  if  that  is  all  true  which 
the  greatest  man  that  ever  lived,  except  ourselves,  has  declared  of 
him  that  hath  no  music  in  his  soid.    For  such  a  fellow  lias  no  music 
in  his  soul.    His  music,  such  as  he  has,  lies  in  his  mere  acoustic  faculty 
of  perception,  and  not  in  his  soid  at  all ;  and  it  is  very  doubtful  whether 
a  creature  capable  of  adulterating  and  diluting  Mozart,  being  a  brute, 
has  any  soul  whatever. 

A  musician  of  genius  will  take  a  common  tune,  and  weave  the  con- 
ceptions of  that  genius  about  it.  A  de  Vos  seizes  upon  the  thought  of 
a  great  composer,  distorts  it,  disfigures  it,  and  disguises  it  with  his  own 
unmeaning  quavers  and  senseless  crotchets.  O,  Mozart  !  O,  Beet- 
hoven !  Thus  does  conceited  irreverence  and  musical  stupidity  make 
a  mess  of  you !  Sic  Vos  de  nobis !  produces  strains  which  are  not 
mellifluous. 


THE  FORTUNE  OF  DRILL. 


A  Joke  Shrouded  in  Mystery. 

Some  one  was  mentioning  in  the  Smoking-room  of  the  City  Club,  that 
Gladstone  was  so  fagged  that  he  was  going  over  to  France  for  a  few 
days'  relaxation.  "  Then,  I  suppose,"  said  Sir  H.  Mtjggeridge,  "  he  '11 
go  to  St.  Homer?  '  Now,  whether  this  accident  was  purely  innocent, 
or  purposely  intended,  none  but  the  Honourable  Member  himself  can 
tell.  Let  us,  however,  give  Sir  Henry  the  benefit  of  the  doubt.  It 
is  more  generous  to  suppose  that  he  never  intended  it  as  a  joke. 


Fools  are  not  to  be  trusted  with  firearms.  The  statement  of  this 
truism  is  justified  by  the  fact,  recorded  in  the  Times,  that,  at  a  Volun- 
teer drill  which  took  place  on  Tuesday  last  week  in  Wolverhampton, 
the  4th  Staffordshire  Battabou  being  inspected  by  Major  Dick,  the 
Government  Inspector  for  the  district,  under  the  eye  of  Lord 
Hatherton,  Lord-Lieutenant  of  the  county,  as  the  men  were  engaged 
in  file-firing,  Private  Bagally,  of  the  Tettenhall  Company,  was  shot 
in  the  right  hand.  The  wound  is  supposed  to  have  been  occasioned  by 
one  of  those  unfortunate  persons  to  whom  the  truism  above  quoted 
applies,  audi  who  was  his  rear-rank  man.  Mr.  Bagally  was  obliged 
to  nave  his  fourth  finger  amputated,  and  to  lose  a  portion  of  the  back 
of  the  hand,  poor  fellow  !  It  is  feared  that  his  third  finger  will  also  be 
lost  through  the  clumsiness  or  carelessness  of  his  rear-rank  man,  who  is 
not  to  be  trusted  with  firearms. 

Accidents  will  occur  iu  the  best  regulated  corps ;  but  in  any  corps 
that  is  at  all  well  regulated,  they  occur  but  seldom.  But  at  the  last 
drill  of  the  gallant  4th  Staffordshire  Battalion,  as  the  Times  further 
relates,  a  man's  eye  was  shot  out  by  a  blank  cartridge.  This  Battalion, 
therefore,  wants  regulating — to  wit,  by  the  elimination  of  those  mem- 
bers thereof  who  are  accustomed  to  shoot  their  comrades'  hands  off 
and  eyes  out,  and  the  formation  of  these  military  muffs  into  an  awkward 
squad,  to  be  drilled  with  mopsticks  instead  of  rifles  in  their  fists,  till 
further  notice.  Volunteers  are  of  course  prepared  to  expose  their 
breasts  to  an  enemy  expert  in  the  use  of  firearms,  but  not  to  lose  their 
hands  and  eyes  by  the  shot  of  comrades  to  whom  such  weapons  ought 
not  to  be  confided. 


Our  Hanwell  Telegram. 

It  is  now  proved,  beyond  the  shadow  of  a  doubt,  that  the  poor 
fellow,  who  riveted  his  affections  on  the  Lady  in  the  Lobster,  is 
cracked  ! 

"  Pendente  Lite."— A  Chandelier. 


172 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[October  26,  1861. 


Agile  Hibernian.  "An  illigynt  Cotcli,  yer  Itonourr!" 


PUNCH   ON   THE   PYRAMID. 

Egypt  is  getting  into  pecuniary  difficulties,  and  the  extraordinary 
rise  of  the  Nile  has  only  plunged  her  into  more  hot  water.  France, 
who  holds  that  the  Emperor  that  would  refuse  to  stretch  forth  his  hand 
.to  assist  a  virtuous  nation  in  distress,  is  unworthy  the  name  of  Annex- 
ander  the  Great,  is  stated  to  be  about  to  proffer  succour  to  the  Pacha. 
Louis  Napoleon  speaks  handsomely ;  and,  indeed,  as  the  humbler 
classes  phrase  it,  no  one  can  speak  Pharaoh  to  Egypt.  Still,  let  Egypt 
look  out — she  may  have  to  pay  for  his  friendship.  France  does  not 
want  a  river  for  a  frontier,  there  can  be  no  doubt  of  that,  because  she 
has  expressly  told  Prussia  as  much.  The  Egyptians  may  safely  sing, 
"  They  shall  not  have  the  Nile ; "  and  if  they  bave  not  got  music  to  the 
words,  we  happen  to  _  know  that  the  executors,  of  an  old  baud-master 
who  servedin  a  certain  little  affair  in  1798,  can  furnish  the  Pacha  with 
an  appropriate  melody.  But  suppose  it  should  occur  to  the  Tuileries 
that,  in  order  to  complete  the  symmetry  of  Erance,  she  wants  the 
Slopes  of  the  Pyramids  !  Let  not  Egypt  neglect  the  significant  warning 
that  has  placed  the  Sphynx  near  them  as  a  hint.  The  Luxor 
Obelisk  already  adorns  the  Place  de  la  Concorde.  Are  forty  sentries  to 
look  down  from  the  Pyramid  of  Cheops  upon  the  Bois  de  Boulogne  ? 
At  present  the  Elected  has  ouly  races  there,  and  Arabia  gives  him  but 
his  Arab  steed,  which  nearly  wins,  not  quite,  with  less  of  bottom 
than  of  speed,  and  seldom  found  all  right.  But  somebody,  deceased 
said  something  about  renewing  in  Erance  the  marvels  of  Egypt  •  and 
we  could  wish  not  only  for  the  marvellous,  but  the  Andrew  Marvellous, 
that  _  is  to  say,  the  Honest,  in  the  policy  of  the  deceased's  respected 
relative.  Again,  we  tell  Egypt  (whose  ophthalmia,  in  more  senses  than 
one,  is  remarkable)  to  mind  her  eye,  and  not  read  her  hieroglyphics  by 
the  light  of  Parisian  gas. 


A  Heroine  that  Wants  Holding  Back. 

The  Bavarian  compatriotes  of  the  Amazonian  ex-Queen  of  Naples 
delight  in  calling  her  "  Die  Heldim  von  Gaeta."  So  painfully  skittish 
and  cruelly  painful  in  many  of  her  antics  is  this  much-bepuffed  and 
over-puffing  Heroine,  that  we  do  think  it  would  be  all  the  better  for  her 
if  she  were  a  little  Held-in{n). 


GERMAN   NAVAL   INTELLIGENCE. 

We  have  every  reason  to  believe  that  the  German  authorities  are 
fully  alive  to  the  exigencies  of  the  present  crisis,  and  to  the  necessity 
of  at  once  furnishing  to  Germany  a  fleet  adequate  to  her  wants.  For 
several  days  past  it  has  been  observed  that,  unusual  activity  has  pre- 
vailed in  the  two  celebrated  toy-shops  in  Holborn  and  Fleet  Street,  and 
several  foreigners  of  remarkable  appearance  have  been  seen  looking  in 
at  the  windows  of  those  establishments.  The  proprietors,  of  course, 
deny  that  any  extraordinary  operations  are  going  on,  but  this  diplomatic' 
reserve  can  deceive  no  one  who  is  acquainted  with'  the  tortuous  policy 
practised  and  required  by  the  German  mind.  It  can  hardly  be  for 
nothing  that  no  fewer  than  five  mortars,  each  capable  of  carrying  a 
swan-shot,  and  valued  at  3s.  M.  have  disappeared  from  Mr.  Hamlyn's 
stores,  and  when  we  couple  this  with  the  declaration  at  Hamburg  that 
gun-boats  are  a  German  necessity,  we  leave  the  deduction  to  Earl 
Russell  and  the  British  nation.  It  will  not  be  borne  that  after  the 
noble  effort  of  a  heavily  taxed  people  like  oui's  to  prepare  a  fleet  for  our 
protection,  the  sinister  ambition  of  Germany  shall  be  allowed  to  cover 
the  sea  with  ships  that  may  menace  the  independence  of  Europe.  We 
do  not  accuse  om-  Minister  of  being  blind  to  circumstances,  indeed  we 
have  reason  to  know  that  a  young  representative  of  the  house  of 
Russell  has  had  a  recent  interview  with  one,  if  not  both  of  the  eminent 
toy-makers  in  question,  and  it  is  rumoured  that  there  was  taken  away 
in  the  carriage  something  which  might,  without  offending  German  or 
alarming  English  susceptibility,  allow  the  Foreign  Minister  to  form  his 
own  judgment  of  the  naval  strength  of  Germany.  All  we  say  is,  that 
vigilance  is  especially  demanded  where  hostile  preparations  assume  a 
scale  of  studied  infinitesimality. 


AN   UMBRELLA   IN   THE   HAND   IS   WORTH   A  NUMBER  IN   THE   STAND. 

We  see  there  is  advertised  a  "  Rotary  Umbrella."  This  may  be* 
useful  in  the  event  of  losing  one's  parapluie,  for  there  may  be  a  circum- 
bendibus chance  then  of  its  coming  round  again  to  its  original  owner. 


A  Momentous  Question.— The  Educational  Minute. 


Printed  by  William  Bradourv.  of  >>o.  13.  Upper  Woburn  Tlace,  and  Frederick  Mullen  Evans,  of  No.  in,  Queen's  Road  West.  Regent's  Park,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Pancras,  in  the  County  of  JSiddleset 
Printers,  at  their  Office  in  Lombard  Street,  in  the  Precinct  ot  Whitetriars,  iu  ihe  City  of  London,  and  Published  by  them  at  No.  85.  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Pari*  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  Cityo!  London.- 
Satorda?,  Octaber  :c,  1801. 


>- 
< 

Q 
CC 

=> 

1- 
< 
v> 

> 

CC 

u 

> 

Q 
UJ 

X 
to 

_J 
m 

Q. 


Early  in  November  will  be  publislicd,  Prke  2s.  6d. , 

PUNCH'S    POCKET-BOOK     FOR     1862. 

With  a  Coloured  Illustration  by  JOHN"  LEECH,  and  numerous 
Woodcuts  by  JOHN  LEECH  and  JOHN  TENNIEL. 

Published  at  the  PUNCH  OFFICE,  85,  Fleet  Street,  and  sold  by  all  Booksellers  in 
Town  and  Country. 


This  day  is  published,  Price  10s.  64,  in  cloth,  gilt  edges,  The  DOUBLE  VOLUME 

for  1845  (Vols.  8  and  9)  of 

THE     RE-ISSUE     OF     PUNCH. 

Also,  the  Ninth  Volume,  in  boards.  Price  5s.— The  following  are  already  published : — 

Vol.  1  (for  1841),  6s.  ;  Vols.  2  and  3  (1842),  10s.  6d  ;  Vols.  4  and  5  (1843),  10s.  6d. ;  Vols. 

6  and  7  (1844),  10s.  M.        *»*  Any  Vol.  or  Double  Vol.  may  always  be  had  separately. 

Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


/T^ 


NOTICE. -The  Fourth  Number  of  the  GAZETTE  OF  BANKRUPTCY  is  Published 
this  day,  Price  2d.    No.  5  will  appear  on  Saturday. 


"  The  first  number  of  a  bi-weekly  publication,  to  be  called  the  'Gazette  of  Bank- 
ruptcy,' has  been  issued  to-day.  It  will  record  the  proceedings  in  bankruptcy  in 
every  Court  throughout  the  country,  and  promises  to  be  of  great  use  to  all  traders. 


By  reference  to  it  any  Creditor  will  be  able  at  once  to  ascertain  the  position  of  any 
Estate  in  which  he  is  interested." — Times,  October  21,  1861. 

[Office :   V.  &  R.  Stevens  and  Son,  26,  Bell  Yard,  Lincoln's  Inn. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI— November  2,  1861. 


Now  Ready,  in  2  vols. ,  with  Portrait, 
THE  LIFE  OF  ADMIRAL 

QIR     CHARLES      NAPIER, 

fc?  K.C.B.,  with.  His  Correspondence.  By 
Major  General  Elers  Napier. 

Hurst  &  Blackett,  Publishers. 

■DEDUCTION"  IK~^RICEOF 

AV  THE  ATHENAEUM.  The  Proprietors, 
taking  advantage  of  the  Abolition  of  tbe  Paper 
Duty,  liave  resolved  that  from  this  day,  the  Price 
shall  be  REDUCED  to  THREEPENCE. 


JBME§S]M(&  Mil " 
S^CENTpiEN{coM™TC 


jt^K.        {'-FITTED 

QPPOSITE/PANTHEOK 

STREET, 


BURNISHING    WAKE- 

&    HOUSES,    69,  70,    71,   72,    73,  74,  75, 
Westminster  Bridge  Road,  Lambeth. 

ATKINSON  &  Co.  have  always  on  hand  a  very- 
large  and  choice  Stock  of  every  requisite  for  fur- 
nishing a  house. 

Bedroom  suits  complete  from  -£7  10s. 
Dining  or  Sitting-room     ,,      <^12  12s. 

Drawing-room  in  fine  figured  Walnut-wood,  stuffed 
all  hair,  covered  in  Rep,  from  £11  LUs.  warranted. 

Catalogues  {to  be  had  either  on  application  or 
post  free)  containing  numerous  designs,  accom- 
panied with  Estimates  for  a  complete  House — or  the 
price  of  a  single  piece  of  Furniture. 

Carpets  :  Turkey,  Axminster,  Brussels,  Kidder- 
minster, &c.  &c. 

Curtain  fabrics  in  Brocatelle,  Tournay,  Rep,  Silk 
and  Worsted,  all  Wool  and  Union  Damasks,  Muslin 
Curtains,  Table  Covers,  Blankets,  Sheetings,  and 
every  other  description  of  domestic  Drapery. 


0 


l\    SIMPSON  &  Co., 

fL  \  Whip  Manufacturers, 
314,  Oxford  Street,  London. 
Agents.— AH  Saddlers  in  every  Country  Town. 
A.  large  assortment  of  the  following  GOODS  alway3 
In  stock:— Spurs,  dog  chains,  couples  and  collars, 
greyhound  slips,  whistles,  ferret  bells,  dog  bells  and 
muzzles,  drinking  flasks.  Sandwich  cases,  hunting 
and  post  horns,  tourist  kegs,  birdcalls,  &c.  &c. 

AS,    AGAIN— ANOTHER 

Fearful  Fire  at  No.  5,  Richard  Street. 
Limehouse  Fields,  caused  by  an  escape  of  gas.  This 
could  not  have  occurred  had  one  of  HUGHES'S 
Patent  Safety  Atlas  Indicating  Chandeliers  Been 
Used.  All  persons  having  gas  fitted  should  there- 
GVS- ,V,ave  the  imP'-ced  ATLAS  CHANDELIERS 
1'IX ED.  Kept  in  stock  by  all  gas  fitters.  Drawings 
iree  by  post,  and  a  large  stock  always  ready  lor  the 
trade  and  merchants  at  the  Atlas  Works,  96.  Hatton 
Garden.— R.  H.  Hushes. 

JTNWIN     AND 

W    ALBERT'S  COLUM- 
BIAN   HAIR    DYE    changes 
Red  or  Gray  Hair  to  a  natural 
Brown  or  Black.    Its  applica- 
tion is    most,    easy,  the    Hair 
( being    coloured    permanently 
1  the  moment  it  is  touched  by 
the  Dye.     In  Cases  at  5s.  6rf., 
K's.  bd.,  and2's. 
Unwin  &  Albert,  24,  Piccadilly.     Experienced 
assistants  in  attendance  to  apply  the  dye. 

T  E I T  H  !  -  MET  ESKELL'S 

A  PATENT!  !  I  Granted  1860.  8,  Lower 
Grosvenor  Street.  Artificial  Teeth  adapted  on  Mr. 
Eskei.l's  Patented  Process,  without,  extracting 
Teeth  or  Stumps,  and  without  the  slightest  pain. 
One  set  lasts  a  lifetime.  "Mr.  Eskell's  patent  bids 
fair  to  stand  unrivalled  for  its  utility  and  economy." 
—Post.  "Au  admirable  contrivance  for  remedying 
the  delects  of  natort  without  requiring  new  sets  of 
teeth.'— Sun.  "Original  and  effective ;  and  will, 
doubtless,  be  extensively  patronised."— Court  Circ. 
All  Consultations  Free.    8,  Lower  Grosvenor  Street. 

aAPONACEOUS      QUININE 

M  TOOTH   POWDER  Cleanses   and   Pre- 
serves the  Teeth,  removes  the  tartar,  and  leaves  on 
the  palate  the  delicious  flavour   of  tbe  flowers  of 
which  it  is  in  a  great  part  composed.    Price  Is.  bd. 
H.  Rigge,  35,  New  Bond  Street. 

PRICHARE'S  DANDELION, 

A      CHAMOMILE,      RHUBARB,    AND 
GINGER  PILLS  are  unequalled  in  Great  Britain 
tor  the  cure  of  Indigestion  and  all  Bilious  Disorders 
Iu  bottles,  Is.  Ihd.,  ■;«.  9<f.,  4s.  bd.,  and  u«. 
Address,  65,  Charing  Cross. 

f«APTAXN  WHITE'S  CURRY 

V  OR  MULLIGATAWNY  PASTE,  Curry 
Powder,  Curry  Sauce,  and  Oriental  Pickle,  may  be 
obtained  from  all  Sauce  Vendors,  and  Wh  lesa'le  of 
Crosse  &  Blackweli,,  Purveyors  to  the  Queen, 
Soho  Square,  London. 

BINNEFOED'S  MAGNESIA 
is  an  excellent  Remedy  for  acidity  of 
the  Stomach,  Heartburn,  Headache,  Gout,  and  In- 
digestion, and  as  a  Mild  Aperient  for  delicate  Con- 
stitutions. 
1/2,  New  Bond  Street,  London;  and  all  Chemists. 


NO  MOSS  PILLS  OR  OTHER  MEDICINES  FOR  OLD  OR  YOUNG. 


We  find  the  safest  remedy  in  DU  BARRY'S  delicious  health-restoring 


For  Habitual  Constipation,  Dyspepsia  (Indigestion),  Palpitation,  Acidity,  Flatulency,  Phlegm, 
Nausea,  Consumption,  Coughs,  Colds,  Asthma,  Bronchitis,  Haemorrhoids,  Nervousness,  Bilious- 
ness, Torpidity  of  the  Liver,  Low  Spirits.  Irritability,  Sleeplessness,  Noises  in  Head  or  Ears, 
Debility,  &c."— Andrew  Ure,  M.D.,  F.RS.  ;  Dr.  Harvey,  Dr.  Shorlaud,  Dr.  Campbell. 

Dr.  Wurzer's  Testimonial : — "  Du  Barry's  Food  is  particularly  effective  in  curing  dyspepsia 
(indigestion),  habitual  constipation,  as  also  diarrhoea,  bowel  and  liver  complaints,  affections  of 
the  kidneys,  bladder,  and  of  the  urethra  and  haemorrhoids,  also  in  cough,  asthma,  debility,  and 
pulmonary  and  bronchial  consumption." — Dr.  Rud.  Wurzer,  Prof,  of  Medicine  andPractical  M.D. 

We  extract  a  few  out  of  many  thousand  cures: — Cure,  No.  1,771.  Lord  Stuart  de  Decies,  of 
many  years'  dyspepsia. — No.  49,832.  "  Fifty  years'  indescribable  agony  from  dyspepsia,  nerv- 
ousness, asthma,  cough,  constipation,  flatulency,  spasms,  sickness,  and  vomiting.  Maria  Joly, 
of  Lynn,  Norfolk." — Cure,  No.  58,816.  Field-Marshal  the  Duke  of  Pluskow,  of  dyspepsia,  con- 
stipation, nervousness,  and  liver  complaints. — Cure,  No.  47,121.  Miss  Elizabeth  Jacobs,  Naziug 
Vicarage.  Waltham  Cross,  Herts,  of  extreme  nervousness,  indigestion,  gatherings,  low  spirits, 
and  nervous  fancies. — Cure,  No.  54,816.  Ttie  Rev.  James  T.  Campbell,  Syderstone  Rectory,  near 
Fakenham,  Norfolk,  "  of  indigestion  and  torpidity  of  the  liver,  which  had  resisted  all  medical 
treatment ;  inquiries  will  be  cheerfully  answered." 

Less  expensive  and  far  more  strengthening  than  Tea,  Coffee,  Cocoa,  and  Cod  Liver  Oil,  this 
delicious  food  saves  all  Doctors'  and  Apothecrry's  Bills,  and  50  times  its  cost  in  other  remedies. 

Packed  in  tins,  1  lb.,  2s.  9d.  ;  2  lb.,  4s.  (id.  ;  6  lb.,  lis.  ;  121b.,  22s.  ;  24  lb.,  free  of  carriage,  40s. 
Super  refined  quality,  10  lb.,  33s. — Barry  Dc  Barry  &  Co.,  No.  77,  Regent  Street,  London ;  also 
Fortndm,  Mason  &,  Co. ;  and  at  60,  Gracschurch  Street ;  4,  Cheapside  ;  63  and  150,  Oxford 
Street ;  229,  330,  430,  and  451,  Strand :  and  through  all  respectable  Grocers  and  Chemists. 


"WITH  THE   BEST  ASTICLES   AT 


IRONMONGERY   AND    FURNISHING    WAREHOUSES. 


DE  AWE'S     CEIEBEATED     TABLE      I  DEANE'S 
CUTLERY. 

Table      Dessert 

Knives.     Knives.  Carvers. 

Finest  Ivory  Handles     33s.        28s.  lis.  Od. 

Medium        ,,                    23s.        18s.  7s.  Gd. 

Good              „                   16s.        12s.  5s.  Gd. 


Spoons,  Best  Plating 
Forks  ,. 

Spoons,  2nd  Quality 
Forks 


ELECTRO-PLATED 
AND   FORKS. 

Table, 
40s. 
3Ss. 
33s. 
31s. 


SPOOLS 


Dessert. 
30s. 
29s. 
24s. 
23s. 


Tea. 
ISs.  OcZ. 


14s.  Gd. 


DEANE'S  Electro-Plate  Tea  and  Coffee  Sets, 

Liqueur    Stands,    Cruets,   Cake  '  DEANE'S  Drawing  Room  Stoves,  Ranges,  &c. 

Baskets,  &c.  j  DEANE'S  Fenders  and  Fire  Irons. 

DEANE'S  Dish   Covers  and  Britannia  Metal   DbaNE*S    Iron     Bedsteads,    with     Bedding. 

(joods  _  I  Priced  Pamphlet,  with  Drawings, 

Prices  of  Tin  Dish  Covers  m  bets  of  t  f  '_.  °  ' 

Six  and  Seven:— 18s.,  30s.,  40s.,  L  „lm,„     ^        ,     '      ,,  „        T„     ,.     ,    . 

03S     fss.  DEANE  S  Domestic  Baths.      See    Illustrated 

DEANE'S  Papier-mache'  Tea  Trays,   in  Sets,  Priced  Pamphlet. 

from   21s.      New    and    Elegant  j  DEANE'S  Tin,  Japan,  and  Iron  Goods. 

Patterns  constantly  introduced.      DE  A.NE'8  Cornices  and  Cornice  Poles. 


DEANE'S  Bronzed,  Copper,  and  Brass  Goods. 
DEANE'S  Bronzed  Tea  Urns,  50s.,  63s.,  S4s. 
DEANE'S  Moderator  Lamps,  from  7s.  to  £6  6s. 


DEANE'S  Horticultural  Tools. 
DEANE'S  Chandeliers  and  Gas  Fittings. 


AN  ILLUSTRATED  CATALOGUE  AND  PRICED  FURNISHING  LIST  SENT  POST  FREE. 
DEANS   &  Co.,  LONDON   BRXDGKE.-Established  A.D.  1700. 


CONTINENTAL  IMPORTATIONS  FOR  PRESENTATION. 


'.  A.  SIMPSON 


•3 


RESPECTFULLY  announce  to  their  numerous  Patrons  that  they  are  now  receiving  from  the 
'  Continent  large  assortments  of  NOVELTIES  SUITABLE  FOR  PRESENTATION,  and  will 
continue  to  do  so  for  the  present  and  forthcoming  Christmas  Season. 

T.  A.  S.  &  Co.  solicit  the  honour  of  a  visit  to  inspect  their  Choice  and  Elegant  Collection, 
varying  at  prices  to  suit  all  purchasers  from  5s.  to  £500. 

ONE  OF  THE  LARGEST  AND  MOST  SELECT  STOCKS  IN  TEE  METROPOLIS. 

T.  A.  SIMPSON  &  Co., 

GOLDSMITHS,  SILVERSMITHS,   JEWELLERS,  WATCH   &   CLOCK   MANUFACTURERS, 
DRESSING-CASE  MAKERS  AND  FOREIGN  IMPORTERS, 

154,  Regent  Street,  and  S,  Beak  Street;  and  Paris,  !Eiae  de  Rivoli. 


B.  JOSEPH  &  Co.'s 

50YS'   INVERNESS    CAPES,  10s.  6d., 

AT  B.  JOSEPH  &  Co.'s, 
150,  REGENT  STREET. 

FOR    SNDiGESTtON. 

Are  confidently  recommended  as  a  simple 
but  certain  Remedy  for  Indigestion.  They 
act  as  a  powerful  Tonic  and  gentle  Aperi- 
ent ;    are   mild   in   their  operation ;   safe 
under  any  circumstances ;  and  thousands 
■Cf  of  persons  can  now  bear  testimony  to  tbe 
j  fejp  benefits  to  be  derived  from  their  use. 
Sold  in  Bottles  at  Is.  liM.,  2s.  !R,  and  lis.  each,  in  every  town  in  the  kingdom. 
CAUTION— Be  sure  to  ask  for  "  NORTON'S  PILLS,"  and  do  not  be  persuaded  to  purchase 
the  various  imitations. 


JM 


T> 


CARRIAGE  FREE 

To  any  part  of  the  Kingdom, 

ILLUSTRATED   AND   PRICED   CATALOGUES 

Forwarded  Gratis  and  Post  Free  on  Application. 

P.   &   S.    BEYFUS, 

91  to  95,  City  Road. 


WEDDING  AND  BIRTHDAY  PEESENTS.-H.  EOBEIGUES, 
42,  PICCADILLY,  invites  attention  to  his  elegant  STOCK  of  TRAVELLING  DRESSING 
BAGS,  DRESSING  CASES,  DESPATCH  BOXES,  Writing  Cases,  Work  Boxes,  Jewel  Cases,  Scent  Caskets  and 
Glove  Boxes,  LADIES'  RETICULE  ami  CARRIAGE  BAGS  of  every  description:  MSDI.'EVAL  MOUNTED 
ENVELOPE  CASKS,  BLOTTING-BOOKS,  and  INKSTANDS  en  suite  :  tbe  NEW  PATENT  SELF-CLOSING 
BOOK  SLIDE,  also  a  choice  variety  of  ELEGANCIES  and  NOVELTIES  suitable  for  PRESENTATION,  too 
various  to  enumerate,  to  be  had  at 

HENRY  B.ODE1GTJES'  -52,  PICCADILLY,  two  doors  from  Sackville  Street, W. 


S' GARIBALDI 
SHIRTS. 

ftfcN  S  TO  CHOO  SE  TfSOM 

.'ANNEti  all  Wool  .-commencing 

i      TTERNS   GRATIS  AND  .FREE  BYPoST. 


ME.  MAEKWELL,  WINE 
Merchant  to  Her  Majesty,  Nos.  35  to 
40,  and  45,  Albemarle  Street,  and  4,  Stafford  Street, 
Piccadilly,  London,  W.  Naval  and  Military  Messes 
supplied.  Receipts  for,  and  Compounds  of,  Ameri- 
can Drinks.  The  still  and  sparkling  Catawba.  The 
Cahfornian  Champagne,  34s.  per  dozen.  Red  and 
white  Hungarian  Wines,  30s.  and  upwards  per  doz. 
The  celebrated  aromatic  Scheidam  Schnapps, 
Stoughton  &  Sickles'  Bitters.  Bourbon,  Mononga- 
hela,  and  Old  Dominion  Whiskies. 


,^>  From.  (V 

<Z"   every  flower  that    TTi 

breathes  a  fragrance 


'EETSCEnis 

white  rose,  myrtle 

FRANGIPANNI 

PERFUME   OF    PARADiSJ 

v  ^O  AND    A.   THOUSAND    OTHERS. 

,  ^K  2s.  6f7.  each  Bottle,  or  TJtree    *p 
'v    G>.        Bottles  in  a p7 etty  -P"   4 

k>   ^         Box  Is.         '    ^.0 ' 


// 


PEOMPT  CTJEE  for  COUGHS, 

■B-  Chest  Diseases,  Sore  Throats,  Quinseys, 
Lung  Complaints,  &c,  by  the  celebrated  Pectoral 
Pastilles  ■  f  the  Hermit,  prepared  by  Proff.  M. 
Bernardini,  Chemist,  from  simple  herbs,  wirhout 
opium  (warranted  by  analysis).  Wholesale  Deu6t, 
Messrs.  Barclay  &  Sons  95,  Farnngdon  Street, 
City,  E.G.    Price  '2s.  Gd.  per  Box  with  instructions. 


c_ 


UliEIMfflk  N 


IJAEVEY'S  EISH  SAUCE- 

A*  Notice  of  Inj  unction.. — The  admirers 
of  this  celebrated  Fish  Sauce  are  particularly  re- 
quested to  observe  that  none  is  genuine  but  that 
which  bears  the  back  label  with  the  name  of  Wil- 
liam Lazenby,  as  well  as  the  front  label  signed 
"  Elizabeth  Lazenby,"  and  that  for  further  security, 
on  the  neck  of  every  bottle  of  the  Genuine  Sauce 
will  henceforward  appear  an  additional  label,  printed 
in  green  and  red,  as  follows:— "This  notice  will  be 
affixed  to  Lazenby's  Harvey's  Sauce,  prepared  at 
theoriginal  warehouse,  in  addition  to  the  well  known 
labels,  which  are  protected  against  imitation  by  a 
perpetual  injunction  in  Chancery  of  9th  July,  1858." 
6,  Edwards  Street,  Portman  Square,  London,  W. 


GARDNERS  LAM  PS 

ARE  THE  BEST 

453,STRAND^/752 


RHEUMATISM,   ::EHEU- 

^  MATIC  GOUT,  and  Rheumatic  Fever, 
cured  by  Gardiner's  Rheumatic  Compound,  which 
may  be  taken  with  perfect  safety,  containing  no 
Colchicum,  or  any  other  Ingredient  detrimental  to 
health.  This  medicine  is  dispensed  gratuitously  to 
the  poor  of  the  London  Bible  viission. 

Sold  by  most  respectable  Druggists.  Wholesale 
and  Retail  Dep6t,  7<»,  Mark  Lane,  E.C.  Price  4*.  6rf. 
and  "2s.  §d.  per  Bottle. 


EI  M  M  E  L'S 
PERFUME  VAPO- 
RISER, as  used  on  board  of 
Her  Majesty's  Steam  Yacht, 
destroys  all  unpleasant  smells, 
and  creates  a  most  delightful 
and  refreshing  fragrance. 

Recommended  by  Dr.  Lethe- 

by  and  other  medical  men. 

Price  from  6s. 

Rimmel,  Perfumer. 

96,  Strand,  and  24,  Cornhill. 


PLAYING      CAEDS,    BY 

A     the   Best  Makers.     All   the  New   Pat- 
terns for  the  present  season  from  U.  bd.  to  4s.  bd. 
London:  J.  Gilbert,  18,  Gracecliurch  Street,  B.C 


November  2,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


173 


THE  PERFECT  CURE. 

AS  PERFORMED  AT  MR.  SF-RG-0>T'S  NEW  CANTERBURY  HALL. 


THE  RIVALS  IN  THE  ROPE-WALK. 

The  adjective  tender  is  generally  regarded  as  inapplicable  to  the 
person  and  profession  of  the  Finisher  of  the  Law,  but  tender  the  noun 
substantive,  hi  the  subjoined  extract  from  a  Glasgow  newspaper,  ap- 
pears in  connection  with  two  gentlemen  of  that  unpopular  if  useful 
calling : — 

"  The  Condemned  Convict  Frazer. — No  word  has  yet  come  from  the  Home 
Secretary  as  to  the  fate  of  Frazer,  the  man  who  was  convicted  at  the  last  Circuit 
Court  of  the  murder  of  M'Kenkey,  by  stabbing.  In  the  meantime,  the  authorities, 
we  believe,  have  had  two  applications  from  persons  anxious  to  carry  into  effect  the 
sentence  passed  on  him — Wm.  Calcraft,  of  London,  and  Thomas  Askern,  Maltby, 
Yorkshire.  The  former  states  that  he  will  perform  the  duty  at  his  usual  fee  of 
twenty  guineas,  exclusive  of  travelling  and  other  expenses,  including  first-class 
railway  fare;  while  Askern  offers  to  do  it  at  about  half  the  sum,  and  third-class 
railway  fare.  Askern,  besides  the  recommendation  of  cheapness,  seems  to  be  a 
better  educated  man  than  Calcraft,  and  sends  several  respectable  references." 

The  writer  of  the  foregoing  paragraph  describes  Calcraft  and 
Askern  as  "  anxious"  to  carry  out  the  sentence  passed  on  Frazer. 
What  was  the  nature  of  their  anxiety  to  hang  that  man  ?  Do  they 
practise  then  profession  con  amore  and  rejoice  in  executing  malefactors  ? 
are  they  accustomed  to  finish  the  law  as  it  were  with  a  will  ?  Or  is  the 
object  of  their  anxiety  merely  the  pecuniary  consideration  to  be  earned 
by  putting  a  man  to  death  ? — are  they  anxious  for  a  job  simply  as  a 
pig-butcher  is,  with  a  sole  view  to  the  i'ee  ?  The  fee  of  a  hangman  is  a 
sum  which  may  be  regarded  with  reasonable  anxiety.  It  exceeds  that 
of  a  physician;  is  twenty  times  as  great  by  the  tariff  of  Calcraft,  the 
regular  practitioner.  The  conduct  of  Askern  in  trying  to  undersell 
the  old  Jack  Ketch  by  offering  to  take  half  his  hire,  and  to  accept 
third  class  railway  fare,  will  no  doubt  be  stigmatised,  by  hangmen  in 
general,  as  unprofessional  and  undignified.  By  the  public,  however, 
the  recommendation  of  cheapness  on  the  part  of  an  executioner  will  be 
regarded  as  a  very  great  one ;  for  the  principal  argument  in  favour  of 


capital  punishment  is  that  it  is  the  cheapest  way  of  disposing  of  a  fellow 
who  is  good  for  nothing. 

In  what  consists  the  alleged  superiority  of  Askern  over  Calcraft 
in  education  ?  Jack  Ketch  may  be  unable  to  read  a  line,  but  capable 
of  putting  one  about  a  throat  very  cleverly  for  all  that.  What  was  the 
nature  of  Mr.  Askern's  respectable  references  ?  Perhaps  they  were 
testimonials  of  his  moral  and  religious  character,  and  civil  and  attentive 
deportment,  obtained  from  clergymen  and  others,  and  certificates  of 
liis  professional  skill,  from  medical  men.  A  decent  well-behaved  and 
adroit  hangman,  having  the  recommendation  of  cheapness,  is  certainly 
preferable  to  a  brutal  and  clumsy  one,  even  for  the  county  rate-payers. 

As  the  office  of  Jack  Ketch  is,  at  the  lowest  rate,  one  of  consider- 
able emolument,  and  education  is  now  put  forward  as  a  qualification 
for  it,  perhaps  it  will  soon  be  rendered  the  prize  of  competitive  exam- 
ination as  a  department  of  the  Civil  Service. 

Readers  who  may  sympathise  with  the  "  anxiety"  of  Messrs.  Cal- 
craft  and  Askern  to  throttle  Frazer,  will  perhaps  be  sorry  to  learn 
that  those  artists  were  cruelly  disappointed  by  the  fact  that  the  convict 
whom  they  desired  for  a  victim,  was  provokingly  reprieved. 


KING  COTTON'S  REMONSTRANCE. 

Negro  Melody — "  Poor  Old  Ned." 

Oh,  I  once  was  free  as  air,  I  could  travel  anywhere, 

To  my  Manchester  well  welcomed  I  could  go  : 
Now  I  'm  bound  by  a  blockade,  and  in  prison  I  am  laid, 

Tho'  I  ruin  those  who  keep  me  there,  I  know. 
Burden.  Then  lay  down  the  rifle  and  the  bow- 

-ie  knife  :  and  take  up  the  shovel  and  the  hoe  : 
Cease  your  fratricidal  war,  and  let  King  Cotton  go  once  more 

To  the  countries  where  King  Cotton  ought  to  go. 

By  the  Navy  of  the  North  I  am  kept  from  going  forth, 

And  to  smuggle  me  all  efforts  are  in  vain : 
While  the  sages  of  the  South  hope  by  Europe's  cotton  drouth 

Intervention  in  their  favour  they  may  gain. 
Burden.  Oh,  lay  down  the  rifle,  &c. 

To  North  then  and  to  South  I  appeal  by  Punch  his  mouth, 

To  cease  fighting  and  to  set  King  Cotton  free  ; 
Blood  and  treasure  both  may  waste  that  can  never  be  replaced, 

But  they  '11  ne'er  be  brought  together,  save  by  me. 
Burden.  So  lay  down  the  rifle  and  the  bow- 

-ie  knife  :  and  take  up  the  shovel  and  the  hoe : 
Cease  your  fratricidal  war,  and  let  King  Cotton  go  once  more 

To  the  countries  where  King  Cotton  waits  to  go. 


"THIS  IS  NO  MINE  AIN  HOUSE." 

The  French  Swells  have  hit  upon  an  invention  in  the  carte  de  visite 
line,  intended  to  prevent  imitation  by  the  masses.  The  lucky  possessor 
or  lessee  of  a  country  seat,  has  a  view  of  it  photographed  on  his  cards, 
and  uses  no  inscription  whatever.  The  portrait  system  has  become 
low,  for  everybody  has  a  face,  or  what  by  a  stretch  of  courtesy  may  be 
called  one.  But  few  people,  comparatively,  have  coimtry  seats.  So 
here  is  an  invention  for  the  exclusives.  We  shall  probably  see  it 
adopted  in  England.  Eaton  Hall  will  call  upon  Castle  Howard, 
and  Holland  House  leaves  a  card  with  Pembroke  Lodge.  The  plan, 
however,  will  necessitate  the  binding  up  a  huge  series  of  Country 
Houses  with  one's  "  Where  Is  It  ?  "  for  it  will  be  awkward  to  make 
mistakes,  and  fancy  that  the  photograph  on  your  hall-table  is  Broad- 
lands,  when  it  is  Hughenden  Manor,  or  vice  versa,  when  you  are  in 
hopes  of  being  invited  to  the  counsels  of  your  Sovereign  by  the  party 
leader,  and  equally  awkward  to  go  flourishing  about  a  picture  of  what 
used  to  be  called  Denman  Priory,  and  showing  it  to  your  friends  as 
proof  of  a  visit  from  Knowsley  or  Chatsworth.  There  will  be  no 
mistakes  about  Mr.  Punch's  cards  ;  first,  because  he  never  leaves  any  ; 
and  secondly,  because  the  immortal  window  in  Fleet  Street  is  as  well 
known  as  the  front  of  the  house  at  Stratford-upon-Avon  •  but  he  recom- 
mends to  his  Swell  friends,  if  they  intend  to  adopt  the  plan,  a  course  of 
careful  study  of  what  Mr.  Disraeli  in  Popanilla  cleverly  calls  the 
sciences  of  Architecture  and  Parkitecture. 


"  0  No,  we  Never  Mention  it." 

Having,  probably,  mislaid  his  almanack,  and  seeing  nothing  around 
him  to  indicate  that  he  was  in  a  Christian  country,  the  Times'  Special 
Correspondent  in  America  inadvertently  went  out  shooting  on  a 
Sunday.  He  was  instantly  pounced  upon  and  fined.  Had  he  remem- 
bered the  day,  the  indiscretion  would  have  been  almost  Quixotically 
gallant,  for  anything  connected  with  guns  on  a  Sunday  must  be  so  very- 
sore  a  subject  in  the  North— since  Bull's  Run. 


VOL.  XLI. 


174 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[November  2,  1861. 


A    CLERGY    RELIEF    ACT. 

E  are  at  liberty  to  state 
that,  early  next  Session,  a 
Bill  will  be  brought  into 
Parliament  with  a  view  to 
enable  Clergymen,  desi- 
rous of  ceasing  to  be 
clerks,  to  divest  them- 
selves of  the  clerical  cha- 
racter. There  are  many 
reverend  gentlemen  who 
wish  to  renounce  their 
nominal  title  to  reverence. 
They  find  that  they  can 
no  longer  believe  all  that 
is  comprehended  in  the 
Thirty-nine  Articles  and 
so  forth ;  but  they  believe 
some  of  it.  Accordingly 
they  would,  if  they  could, 
withdraw  from  the  minis- 
try of  the  Established 
Church  without  seceding 
from  its  pale.  Like  Mr. 
Macxaugijt,  they  would 
be  glad  to  exchange  their 
position  for  that  of  a  pro- 
per place  and  an  honest 
calling.  But,  once  a  par- 
son always  a  parson.  The 
priestly  character  is  inde- 
lible, and  it  is  legally  in- 
consistent with  many  if 
most  other  vocations, 
if  a  clergyman  resigns  his 
preferment,  he  has  hardly 
any  other  means  of  getting  a  living.  By  the  proposed  measure  for  the  relief  of 
conscientious  clergymen,  an  ex-parson  will  be  allowed  to  enter  the  Army,  or  any 
other  department  of  Her.  Majesty's  Service,  to  go  to  the  Bar  forensic,  or  keep  a 
public-house  ;  in  short,  to  do  anything  that  he.  likes,  and  is  able,  to  earn  subsistence 
m  a  lawful  way.  A  clause  will,  of  course,  be  introduced  to  prevent  any  scandalous 
or  eccentric  person  from  retaining  and  abusing  an  ecclesiastical  title  after  having 


doffed  the  canonicals:  as,  for  instance,  by  blazoning  his 
shop-front  with  the  name  of  the  Rev.  Didymus  Veale, 
D.D.,  S.T.P.,  Butcher. 

Another  advantage  of  the  Abandonment  of  Orders  Bill, 
should  it  become  law,  is  the  relief  that  it  will  afford  to  the 
naked  and  hungry  clergymen,  for  whom,  with  their  families, 
the  Rev.  Mb.  Jebvis  and  the  Clerical  Aid  Society,  are 
thankful  to  receive  old  clothes,  and  perhaps  broken 
victuals.  The  contemplated  enactment  will  enable  them  to 
become  errandmen  (unnecessarily  called  commissionnaires), 
drive  a  cab,  accept  the  situation  of  gamekeeper,  butler,  or 
any  other  suitable  to  their  circumstances  and  incli- 
nations. 

Above  all,  an  enactment,  empowering  clergymen  to 
exchange  the  clerical  profession  for  any  secular  employ- 
ment, will  leave  all  who  in  any  respect  disagree  with  the 
formularies  of  the  Church  no  excuse  for  continuing  to  eat 
her  bread.  Accordingly,  no  doubt  we  shall  soon  see  not 
only  those  whose  theology  is  too  broad  for  the  prescribed 
limits  unfrocking  themselves,  but  shall  also  behold  a  speedy 
exodus  from  orders  effected  by  all  those  partisans  of  High 
Church  and  Low  Church  whose  views  are  at  all  higher  or 
lower  than  that  intermediate  standard  from  wliich  they 
diner  just  half  as  widely  as  they  differ  from  each  other. 
When  they  have  all  relinquished  their  benefices  it  will  be 
time  enough  to  consider  the  question — What  shall  we  do 
for  parsons  ? 


CRIMINAL  BORES. 


A  Bill  is  in  preparation,  and  will  be  introduced  into 
the  House  of  Commons  early  next  session,  having  for  its 
object  the  due  and  effectual  punishment  of  miscreants  who 
put  bad  corks  into  ink-bottles,  and  attach  weak  and  flimsy 
hook-loops  to  boots.  Owing  to  these  abominable  practices, 
people  are  continually  splashing  themselves  with  ink,  and, 
in  trying  to  pull  their  boots  on,  pidling  the  loops  of  them 
off,  to  their  great  annoyance,  and  provocation  to  the  use  of 
strong  language.  In  these  days  of  "mawkish  sentimen- 
tality," it  will  perhaps  be  impracticable  to  render  the 
offences  in  question  capital;  but  the  highest  secondary 
punishment  will,  by  the  proposed  measure,  be  provided 
for  the  brutal  offenders. 


"  MAY  DIFFERENCE  OE  OPINION,"  ETC. 

Saith  the  Opinion  Nationale,  upon  the  comparative  facilities 
afforded  by  Paris  and  London  to  the  masses  of  their  population,  when 
the  latter  desire  recreation  in  the  fresh  air  : — 

"In  our  new  and  delicious  gardens  at  Paris  the  delighted  child  of  some  poor 

person  plays  and  gives  itself  up  to  the  transports  of  joy  natural  to  infancy  when 
placed  in  such  a  surrounding-,  while,  seated  in  the  midst  of  verdant  foliage  and  of 
flowers,  the  mother  niends  the  clothes  of  the  family.  What  would  you  Parisians 
say  were  these  little  elysiums  closed  to  all  but  a  couple  of  dozen  children  of  the 
quarter,  and  theirnoble  and  wealthy  parents  2  Think,  then,  of  the  immense  and 
numerous  squares  of  London  that  are  rigorously  shut  against  the  working  classes, 
and  that  the  rich  or  aristocratic  alone  have  access  to  them,  for  they  are  cultivated 
exclusively  for  them.  When  these  gardens  are  kept  for  the  happy  and  privileged 
few  there  is  much  loss  of  health,  morality,  and  recreation  to  the  people.  The  square 
of  Lincoln's  Inn  Fields,  six  times  linger  than  your  Square  da  Temple,  is  fresh, 
blooming,  and  deserted.  The  rich,  however,  disdain  it ;  and  the  poor  can  only  look 
into  it.  Some  benevolent  person  demanded  of  the  parochial  authorities  that  this 
unfrequented  square  should  be  thrown  open  to  the  public,  but  obtained  only  a 
peremptory  refusal.  A  people  thus  treated  is  not  free.  No,  a  thousand  times  ! 
although  from  time  to  time  they  throw  potato  peels  at  the  heads  of  lords  who 
displease  them,  although  the  Radical  press  says  what  it  pleases  of  the  aristocracy 
and  caricatures  of  them  are  engraved." — Opinion  Nationale. 

Now,  in  the  spirit  of  these  remarks,  so  far  as  they  advocate  the 
opening  as  many  gardens  as  possible  to  the  people  of  London,  Mr. 
Ptmch  cordially  concurs.  But  when  the  Opinion  comes  to  details,  its 
opinion  is  like  a  good  many  other's  opinions,  namely,  based  on  igno- 
rance. _  There  is  nothing  in  Paris  to  equal,  either  in  beauty  or  extent, 
the  series  of  parks  which  are  open  to  our  people,  and  any  one  who 
should  compare  even  the  Bois   de  Boulogne  (upon  whose  grass  no 

delighted  child  "  can  walk  without  a  stern  order  from  some  sentinel 
to  take  its  little  feet  and  "transports"  off  the  sacred  sward)  with  the 
glorious  glades  of  Kensington,  would  simplv  talk  folly.  And  as  to  the 
mother  mending  the  trousers  of  the  family  in  the  gardens  of  the 
Parisian  people,  Mr.  Punch  would  be  sorry  to  destroy  so  pretty  a 
picture ;  but  trousers  and  the  necessary  appliances  mean  a  bundle,  and 
it  is  not  many  days  since  Mr.  Punch,  in  the  Rue  de  RivoH,  beheld  a 
decent  mechanic,  with  a  bundle  which  he  might  have  been  going  to 
take  uo  the  mother  ot  his  family,  enter  the  garden  at  one  of  the  gates 
m  the  street  aforesaid.  At  that  mechanic  instantly  darted  a  furious 
sentinel,  with  the  spring  of  a  tiger,  and  actually  lowered  his  bayonet,  as  if 
to  enforce  the  angry  order  with  which  he  sent  the  man  flying  back 


into  the  street.  The  allusion  to  the  Square  du  Temple  is  lucky  ^ 
because  it  reminds  Mr.  Punch  that  during  the  pleasant  afternoons  of 
the  year,  the  gardens  of  his  Temple,  though  private  property,  are 
thrown  open  to  the  children  of  the  metropolis.  The  squares  generally 
are  simply  the  private  gardens  of  the  houses  around,  which  houses 
have  no  other  gardens  attached  to  them,  and  therefore,  the  compen- 
sation is  given  in  the  area,  and  it  would  be  as  reasonable  to  ask  any 
dweller  in  a  smug  villa  to  throw  his  garden  gate  open,  as  to  claim  the 
squares  for  others  than  the  house-owners.  But  with  all  submission  to 
our  French  critic  (and  if  this  is  the  Empekok,  who  is  praising  his  own 
improvements,  which  are  too  grand  to  need  praising,  he  knows  that  he 
is  writing  bosh)  London  has  large  and  noble  provision  for  the  recrea- 
tion of  her  masses,  and  we  wall  back  the  Eive  Parks  of  our  people 
against  anything  Paris  can  show  in  that  way.  In  most  show-things 
she  beats  us  hollow  ;  but  we  not  only  do  not  know  that  we  are  beaten  in 
parks,  but  know  that  we  are  not.  As  to  the  potato-peelings  which  we 
fling  at  the  heads  of  Lords,  that  is  an  affair  of  our  own ;  perhaps  the 
Lords  like  it,  at  all  events  they  never  mention  it.  The  freedom  of  the 
press  is  a  sore  subject  with  a  Parisian,  and  it  would  be  ungenerous  to 
answer  this  charge.  But  we  must  assert  and  asseverate  that,  all  things 
considered,  and  in  contradiction  to  the  Opinion,  we  are  Free,  and  that 
Magna  Charta  is  not  repealed  even  by  the  denial  of  permission  to  the 
public  to  walk  among  dead  cats  and  sallow  lawyers  in  Lincoln's  Inn 
Fields.  The  only  park  in  which  the  Master  of  the  French  surpasses 
us  is  a  Park  of  Artillery,  and  that  is  a  park  which  we  don't  want  to  see 
opened  for  the  people — or  on  them. 


The  Best  English  is  Spoken  im  Scotland! 

We  mean  boldly  to  declare  that,  in  many  instances  (we  will  not  go 
so  far  as  to  say,  all)  the  Scotch  speak  better  Engiish  than  the  con- 
ceited English'  themselves  do.  For  instance,  they  pronounce  widow 
— "weedow;"  and  it  is  clear,  on  the  very  face  of  it,  that  "weedow," 
with  a  debcate  emphasis  on  the  "  weed,"  must  be  correct. 


The  Pebfectiou  op  Needlework. — It  is  quite  a  prize  pattern,  if 
a  lady  can  "hem"  a  refusal  without  there  being  a  single  cross-stifccli 
in  it. 


November  2,   1861.] 


"P 


UNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


175 


A   SWEET  THING   IN   BONNETS. 

he  new  fashion- 
able spoon-shape 
of  bonnets  leaves 
a  considerable 
space  between 
the  tip  of  the 
spoon  and  the 
organ  of  bene- 
volence. This  is 
at  present  filled 
by  a  dahlia,  or 
some  other  or- 
nament, which, 
at  a  little  dis- 
tance, looks  like 
a  soldier's  pom- 
pon in  the  wrong- 
place.  The  last 
new  bonnet,  like 
all  other  beauti- 
ful inventions  of 
the  kind,  comes, 
of  course,  from 
France.  Would 
it  not  be  advis- 
able to  fill  the  room  which  it  leaves  for  decoration  with  the  Imperial 
Eagle,  unless  patriotic  loyalty  should  prefer  the  Royal  Arms,  elegantly 
emblazoned.  Dahlias,  to  be  sure,  are  seasonable  just  now ;  but  rf 
this  present  fashion  of  bonnets  should  last  till  next  spring,  the  vacancy 
now  filled  by  the  dahlia  might  be  occupied  by  a  bird's  nest,  with  eggs 
in  it,  open  to  the  spectator,  which  would  attract  great  admiration. 


THERE  ARE    SOME    PEOPLE    "WHO    WOULD   THINK    THIS  MODE   OF 

WEARING  THE   HAIR  RATHER  TOUSLED   AND   INTOXICATED, 

BUT   IT   IS  REALLY   FRENCHY   AND   COQUETTISH. 


OUR  DRAMATIC  CORRESPONDENT. 

"  Dear  Punch, 

"  I  Believe  there  are  existing  a  clairvoyant  class  of  critics 
who  can  describe  a  performance  without  having  attended  it.  Were  I 
gifted  with  this  faculty  I  should  fill  my  present  letter  with  an  account 
of  Mr.Fechter's  acting  as  Othello,  detailing  most  minutely  the  chief 
points  in  his  conception,  and  carefully  narrating  how  he  worked  it  out. 
But  as  I  have  not  yet  seen  him  in  the  part,  and  have  not  the  gift  of 
critical  clairvoyance,  I  must  postpone  for  the  present  an  account  of  his 
performance,  and  content  myself  with  thinking  that,  from  all  that  I  can 
hear,  there  is  very  little  need  of  my  hurrying  to  witness  it.  Whether 
it  will  have  as  long  a  run  as  Hamlet,  while  the  public  are  so  fickle,  it  is 
not  easy  to  predict :  but  so  great  was  Mr.  Fechteb's  success  in  his 
first  effort,  that  curiosity  alone  will  cram  the  theatre  till  Christmas,  and 
doubtless  admiration  will  long  after  fill  the  house. 

"  Folks  who  say  the  taste  for  Shakspeaee  has  died  out  have  abun- 
dant proof  just  now  of  the  truth  of  that  assertion.  Before  these  words 
are  public  four  theatres  in  town  will  be  devoted  to  his  works.  Mb,.  G. 
V.  Bkooke  has  journeyed  all  the  way  from  the  Antipodes  expressly  to 
play  Shakspeaee  for  a  while  at  Drury  Lane;  Me,  Booth  is  acting 
Shylock  $&&  Xing  Richard  at  the  Haymarket ;  Me,  Fechtee  with 
Othellojs  cramming  the  Princess's  ;  and  last,  and  not  the  least  in  my 
poor  estimation,  Me.  Phelps  at  Sadler's  Wells  has  appeared  again  as 
Bottom,  and  they  who  have  not  seen  him  are  advised  hereby  to  go.  On 
the  whole  I  like  it  best  of  his  Shakspearian  conceptions,  and  rank  it  far 
above  all  other  actings  of  the  character  that  I  have  ever  seen.  The 
mingled  'cuteness  and  obtuseness  of  this  very  prince  of  clowns,  his  dense 
dull-brained  stupidity  and  important  self-conceit,  are  admirably  shown 
by  Me,  Phelps's  rendering :  while  the  languor  that  pervades  liim  in 
his  love-scenes  with  Tilania  fitly  carry  out  the  notion  of  his  being  in  a 
dream.  I  think  his  exit  on  awaking,  when  his  ass's  head  has  been 
removed,  is  one  of  the  best  bits  of  comic  by-play  ever  acted.  He  goes 
off  thoughtfully  and  slowly,  feeling  in  the  air  for  his  long  ears  and  nose, 
which  he  cannot  comprehend  quite  how  he  can  have  lost.  With  his 
dull  dazed  sense  of  something  unusual  having  happened,  he  needs  some 
evidence  to  help  him  to  reflect  upon  the  matter ;  and  having  in  his 
memory  a  dim  glimmer  of  the  past,  he  is  puzzled  that  no  tangible 
remains  of  it  are  left  to  him. 

"I  looked  in  at  the  Princess's  a  night  or  two,  and  found  a  fullish 
audience  enjoying  the  new  comedy,  and  laughing  in  a  way  that  must 
have  satisfied  the  author,  whose  innocent  pursuit  of  flirting  under  dif- 
ficulties was  the  chief  cause  of  the  merriment  which  I  was  forced  to 
share.  Laughing  is  infectious,  as  everybody  knows  ;  and  one  can't  sit 
grim  and  gloomy  in  critical  solemnitv  when  every  face  about  one  is 
grinning  like  a  gargoyle.  Playing  with  Fire  is  full  of  obvious  absurdi- 
ties, and  a  good  deal  of  the  fun  in  it  is  overdone  and  forced ;  and 
growlers  might  object  that  five-act  farces  are  not  comedies,  although  it 
seems  the  fashion  now  to  give  them  that  fine  name.    But  critics  may 


be  lenient  when  an  audience  is  pleased,  provided  always  that  no  coarse- 
ness is  used  to  win  a  laugh,  and  _  of  this  at  the  Princess's  there  is  not 
the  slightest  trace.  Of  the  acting  Me.  Brougham  has  by  far  the 
greatest  share  ;  the  other  parts  are  fairly  filled  aud  demand  no  special 
comment,  except  that  Mr.  Jordan  (from  the  New  York  Stage)  is  too 
ponderous  and  tragic,  to  my  thinking,  for  the  piece.  One  don't  care  to 
hear  in  comedy  a  man's  voice  in  his  boots ;  and  they  who  undertake 
what 's  called  the  '  heavy  business '  should  keep  then  ponderosity  from 
being  a  dead  weight. 

"  Since  I  last  wrote,  Mr.  Wigan  has  reopened  the  St.  James's,  and 
with  his  wife  is  nightly  pleasing  people  in  the  Scrap  of  Paper.  How 
skilfully  a  French  dramatist  can  make  much  of  a  little,  and  how  care- 
fully and  neatly  he  will  work  up  a  slight  story,  and  supply  a  fitting 
sequence  of  natural  events,, Les  Pattes  cle  Mouche — here,  Scrap  of  Paper 
— gives  abundant  proof.  Flimsy  as  they  are,  such  pieces  need  good 
acting ;  which  is  relished  the  more  highly  as  one  sees  by  what  slight 
incidents  the  interest  is  sustained,  and  what  care  is  therefore  needful 
to  bring  out  every  point.  No  one  on  our  stage  is  so  well  skilled  as 
Mr,  Wigan  in  the  smooth  and  polished  style  such  plays  as  these 
require  ;  and  Londoners  who  can't  spare  time  to  run  over  to  Paris,  and 
couldn't  comprehend  the  French  plays  if  they  did,  may  see  at  the  St. 
James's  somewhat  of  their  beauties,  and  somewhat  of  the  French  care 
to  the  details  of  the  scene. 

"  I  was  glad  to  find  Frank  Matthews  and  his  wife  before  these 
footlights ;  but  I  was  sorry  that  so  small  a  scope  was  given  for  their 
acting  as  that  trashiest  of  farces  (to  my  thinking)  Bone  on  Both  Sides. 
I  don't  ask  for  probability,  so  long  as  there  be  fun ;  but  in  this  piece,  as 
L  fancy,  there  is  neither  one  nor  other,  and  it  surprises  me  how  people 
are  persuaded  into  laughing  at  it,  seeing  that  they  mostly  have  some 
brains  in  their  heads. 

"  One  Who  Pays." 


PLATING  AT  CARDS. 


We  are  told  by  Le  Sport,  which  is  a  kind  of  French  Bell's  Life, 
minus,  of  course,  the  prize-fights,  that  a  new  sort  of  visiting-card  has 
just  been  introduced  by  a  sporting  celebrity.  Its  distinguishing 
feature  is  the  total  absence  of  name  and  address — such  information 
being  considered  vulgar,  or  out  of  place,  on  a  visiting-card.  However, 
these  unnecessary  details  are  replaced  by  a  photograph  of  the  owner's 
rural  residence.  Thus,  a  gentleman  in  France  is  known  not  by  liis 
standing  in  society,  but  by  the  seat  he  possesses  in  the  country.  This 
affectation  may  be  very  convenient  for  gentlemen  who  possess  country 
seats,  but  we  know  several  poor  French  noblemen,  who  are  compelled 
by  their  impoverished  incomes  to  live  au  trois/eme,  and  even  au 
quatrihue.  What  plan  are  these  lofty  illustrations  of  la  haute  noblesse 
to  adopt  ?  Are  they  to  give  a  photograph  of  the  storey  of  the  house  in 
which  they  lodge  ?  Or  would  a  portrait  of  some  ancestral  old  arm- 
chair, in  which  the  nobleman's  father  and  forefathers  sat,  be  accepted 
as  a  competent  substitute  for  a  seat  ?  It  is  difficult  to  say  what  in 
these  cases — card-cases — would  be  looked  upou  as  "  the  correct  card." 

Moreover,  we  strongly  question  the  good  taste  of  this  new  form  of 
pasteboard  politeness.  We  must  say  we  should  not  care  much  about 
being  upon  visiting  terms  with  a  nobleman,  who,  at  every  visit, 
studiously  made  it  a  point  of  showing  us  the  outside  of  his  door. 

Then  again,  the  fashion  is  not  so  very  new;  for  we  have  known 
sporting  celebrities  in  this  country  even,  who  have  found  it  extremely 
convenient  at  times  to  conceal  both  their  name  and  address.  In  such 
instances,  however,  the  view  of  the  rural  abode  has  generally  been 
withheld  from  prudence,  or,  it  may  be,  an  excusable  pride,— otherwise 
it  might  not  improbably  have  revealed  a  striking  resemblance  to  a  large 
establishment  known  on  the  other  side  of  the  water  as  the  Queen's 
Bench,  the  hospitality  of  which  is  such  that  visitors,  who  have  gone 
there  merely  for  a  visit  of  a  few  days,  have  often  been  found,  even 
against  their  own  will,  to  stop  much  longer  than  ever  they  intended. 


THE  REVERSE  OF  RIGHT. 


At  the  Royal  Banquet  given  by  the  King  and  Queen  op  Prussia 
on  the  strength  of  then  coronation,  certain  pages  bedizened  with  scarlet 
and  sdver,  waited  behind  the  chairs  of  the  principal  guests  handing 
them  the  dishes  ;  and,  towards  the  close  of  the  entertainment,  we  are 
further  informed : — 

"  They  also  placed  on  their  hats,  and  handed  over  to  those  on  whom  they  were  in 
attendance  gold  medals  of  the  most  exquisite  workmanship,  having  on  the  one  side 
the  heads  of  the  King  and  Queen,  and  on  the  reverse  the  royal  arms  of  Prussia,,  with 
the  motto  Swim  Cuique. " 

The  reverse  of  these  medals  was  just  the  fit  place  for  a  maxim  of 
which  the  principle,  whereon  the  kingdom  of  Prussia  has  been  consti- 
tuted, is  quite  the  contrary.  Alienum  Cuique,  Hohenzollern  under- 
stood, is  the  Prussian  legend  rightly  construed.  That  is  what  Suum 
Cuique  means  in  a  general  sense,  with  particular  reference  to  the 
annexation  of  Schleswig  and  Holstein. 


MASTER    AND    MAN. -A    PRETTY    STATE    OF    THINGS! 


Master  (to  Swell  Groom).  "  Oh,  Snaffles,  I  wish  to  show  the  New  Horse  to  this  Gentleman — and  we  shall  Ride  in  the 
Afternoon." 

Swell  Groom.  "  Very  Sorry,  Sir,  but  the  Osses  are  locked  up  for  the  present,  Sir  !  And  what  Osses  was  you  going  to 
Ride  this  Afternoon  ?     I  shouldn't  like  to  'aye  mine  out  in  the  damp  !  " 


KING  COTTON  BOUND ;  OR,  THE  NEW  PROMETHEUS. 


Par  across  Atlantic  waters 

Groans  in  chains  a  Giant  King; 

Like  to  him,  whom  Ocean's  daughters 
Wail  around  in  mournful  ring, 

In  the  grand  old  Grecian  strains 

Of  Prometheus  iu  his  chains  ! 

Needs  but  Fancy's  pencil  pliant 
Both  to  paint  till  both  agree  ; 

For  King  Cotton  is  a  giant, 
As  Prometheus  claimed  to  be. 

Each  gave  blessings  unto  men, 

Each  dishonour  reaped  again. 

Prom  the  gods  to  sons  of  clay 
If  Prometheus  brought  the  flame. 

Who  King  Cotton  can  gainsay, 
Should  he  equal  honour  claim? 

Eire  and  life  to  millions  giving, 

That,  without  him,  had  no  living. 

And  if  they  are  one  in  blessing, 
So  in  suffering  they  are  one ; 

Both,  their  captive  state  confessing, 
Freeze  in  frost  and  scorch  in  sun : 

That,  upon  his  mountain  chain, 

This,  upon  his  parching  plain. 

Nor  the  wild  bird's  self  is  wanting— 
Either  giant's  torment  sore ; 

If  Prometheus  writhed,  while  panting 
Heart  and  lungs  the  vulture  tore, 


So  Columbia's  eagle  fierce, 
Doth  King  Cotton's  vitals  pierce. 

On  those  wings  so  widely  sweeping 

In  its  poise  the  bird  to  keep, 
See,  if  you  can  see  for  weeping, 

"North"  and  "South"  are  branded  deep- 
On  the  beak  all  reeking  red, 
On  the  talons  blood-bespread  ! 

But  'tis  not  so  much  the  anguish 
Of  the  wound  that  rends  his  side, 

Makes  this  fettered  giant,  languish, 
As  the  thought  how  once,  in  pride, 

That  great  eagle  took  its  stand, 

Gently  on  his  giant  hand  ! 

How  to  it  the  meat  he  'd  carry 

In  its  mew  to  feed  secure ; 
How  he  'd  fling  it  on  the  quarry, 

How  recall  it  to  the  lure, 
Make  it  stoop,  to  his  caresses, 
Hooded  neck  and  jingling  jesses. 

And  another  thought  is  pressing, 

Like  hot  iron  on  his  brain — 
Millions  that  would  fain  be  blessing, 

Ban,  e'en  now,  King  Cotton's  name. 
Oh,  that  here  those  hands  are  bound, 
Which  should  scatter  wealth  around ! 

"  Not  this  Eagle's  screaming  smothers 
That  sad  sound  across  the  sea — 


Wailing  babes  and  weeping  mothers, 

Wailing,  weeping,  wanting  me. 
Hands  that  I  would  fain  employ, 
Hearts  that  I  would  till  with  joy  ! 

"  I  must  writhe — a  giant  fettered,— 
While  those  millions  peak  and  pine ; 

By  my  wealth  their  lot  unbettered, 
And  their  suffering  worse  than  mine. 

For  they  know  that  I  would  fain 

Help  their  need,  were 't  not  my  chain  ! 

"  But  /know  not  where  to  turn  me 
For  relief  from  bonds  and  woe ; 

Frosts  may  pinch  and  suns  may  burn  me, 
But  for  rescue — none  I  know, 

Save  the  millions  I  have  fed, 

Should  they  rise  for  lack  of  bread — 

"  Saying,  '  We  will  brook  no  longer, 
That  King  Cotton  bound  should  be  : 

Be  his  gaolers  strong,  we  're  stronger, 
In  our  hunger  over  sea — 

More  for  want,  than  love,  uprisen, 

We  are  come  to  break  his  prison ! ' 

"  Welcome  even  such  releasing, 

Fain  my  work  I  'd  be  about : 
Soon  would  want  and  wail  be  ceasing, 

Were  King  Cotton  once  let  out — 
Though  all  torn  and  faint  and  bleeding, 
Millions  still  I've  strength  for  feeding. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— November  2,  1861. 


KING    COTTON    BOUND; 

Or,  The  Modern  Prometheus. 


November  2,  1861. ] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


179 


"  Foolish  Eaede— cease  your  rending— 

Tis  yourself  you  would  undo : 
Know  you  not  the  strength  you  're  spending, 

Still  was  put  to  use  1'or  you  ? 
'Twas  King  Cotton's  cost  and  care, 
Fed  yon  fat  and  sleeked  you  fair. 

"  Hold  me  longer  bound,  and  wasting- 
Life  will  leave  my  giant  frame ; 

Other  Kings  o'er  sea  are  hasting, 
On  my  throne  to  make  their  claim  ; 

Once  they  take  that  seat— good  bye — 

You  have  lost  far  more  than  I." 


PAPAL    PEEPSHOWS. 

he  yearly  exodus  of 
Englishmen  is  very 
nearly  over,  but  there 
are  doubtless,  still 
some  few  who  have 
not  had  their  holiday, 
and  who  may  feel  the 
usual  glorious  uncer- 
tainty as  to  where  to 
go.  If  they  have  any 
fondness  for  [seeing 
curiosities,  perhaps 
the  following  will 
tempt  them  to  go 
and  pay  a  visit  to  the 
Church  of  Notre 
Dame  in  Aix-la-Cha- 
pelle : — 

"  The  great  relics, 
which,  are  only  shown 
every  seven  years,  are 
the  robe  of  the  Virgin  ; 
the  swaddling  clothes  of 
our  Saviour  ;  the  linen, 
still  marked  with  blood, 
in  which  John  the  Bap- 
tist, after  being  behead- 
ed, was  wrapped  up  ;  and 
the  sheet  which  was 
used  at  the  descent  from 
the  cross.  The  small 
relics  are  "shown  every  day  in  the  year  to  strangers  who  may  apply  for  that  pur- 
pose. Among  these  objects  are  the  leathern  girdle  worn  by  our  Saviour,  the  two 
ends  of  which  are  joined  together,  and  sealed  with  the  seal  of  C'onstantine  ;  a  piece 
of  the  true  cross  ;  a  part  of  the  sacred  winding-  sheet ;  the  linen  waist-belt  of  the 
Holy  Virgin  ;  some  of  her  hair :  a  link  of  the  chain  of  St.  Peter;  the  right  arm  and 
thread  of  Charlemagne  ;  the  bones  of  several  saints  ;  the  marble  throne  on  which 
Chaklemagne  was  seated  in  his  tomb,  and  which  was  used  at  the  coronation  of  the 
Emperors. " 

We  think  these  interesting  relics  might  easily  be  made  immensely 
more  attractive,  if  the  favoured  priests  who  have  the  privilege  of 
showing  them  would  adopt  the  style  of  language  of  proprietors  :of 
peepshows,  and  magnify  with  most  ingenious  mendacity  the  marvels  of 
the  objects  they  would  bring  to  public  view.  With  a  very  little 
stretching  of  our  elastic  fancy,  we  can  imagine  a  fat  priest,  pnffing 
sadly  from  short  wind,  luring  on  a  lot  of  sight-seers  tby  some  such 
speech  as  this  : — 

"  Hoy !  hoy !  look  here  !  look  here !  be  in  time !  {gasp)  be  in  time ! 
Here  you'll  see  the  sacred  shoes  of  Saint  Barefootus,  in  wliich  he 
made  his  famous  pilgrimage  to  Jericho,  walking  all  the  way  from  Rome 
by  way  of  the  North  Pole  {gasp),  where,  as  an  act  of  penance,  he 
stood  upon  the  ice  until  his  toes  were  frostbitten  and  his  beard  became 
snow-white.  You  perceive  the  shoes  have  scarce  a  scratch  upon  their 
soles  {pant),  and  really _  may  be  said  to  be  almost  as  good  as  new. 
Some  heretics  have  said  {quos  confundere  debenms)  that  in  verity  the 
good  saint  never  wore  them  in  his  life,  and  indeed  that  they  were  made 
expressly  for  this  peepshow  four  centuries  and  fifty  years  :.  after  his 
decease._  But  the  truth  is,  Saint  Barefootus,  being  of  a  highly  eco- 
nomic disposition,  used,  when  he  went  a  pilgrimage,  to  put  his'  shoes 
into  his  pocket,  and  only  wore  them  on  his  feet  to  keep  the  rats  from 
nibbling  them  when  he  retired  to  rest  {gasp).  The  next  relic  I  shall 
show  you  is  the  tooth  of  Saint  Ticdouloureux,  who  fell  a* martyr  (to 
neuralgia)  a.d.  1466.  Observe  the  length  of  fang,  and  the  magnitude 
of  cavity,  and  think  what  fearful  pangs  the  holy  martyr  must  have 
suffered,  when  he  underwent  the  torture  of  having  his  tooth  out. 
Another  interesting  relic  is  the  sacred  woollen  comforter  which 
Saint  Quinsius  made  use  of  when  he  had  a  bad  sore  throat  {pant). 
The  genuineness  of  the  article  is  evidenced  by  its  condition,  for  it  has 
not  been  washed  since  the  decease  of  its  good  wearer,  and  any  one  who 
pnts  it  with  due  reverence  to  his  nose  will  perceive  abundant  proof 
that  Saint  Quinsius  departed  in  the  true  odour  of  sanctity.    Look  a 


little  lower  down  and  rather  to  your  right,  and  you  will  see  the  gig 
umbrella  of  the  hermit  Saint  Earwiggus.  This  holy  man  resided  in  a 
hole  upon  Mont  Blanc,  and  subsisted  for  a  century  upon  seaweed  and 
raw  shrimps  {gasp).  The  knowledge  of  this  fact,  wliich  is  abundantly 
well  proved  by  the  diary  he  kept  (I  shall  show  you  the  blank  fly-leaf 
and  a  fragment  of  the  cover  to  corroborate  my  words),  has  caused  a 
great  sensation  to  the  savants  of  geology ;  and  many  heretics  deny, 
with  impious  audacity,  that  either  shrimps  or  seaweed  have  ever  been 
discoverable  at  so  great  a  height  above  the  level  of  the  sea  {pant).  On 
the  left  of  this  you  see  the  holy  cat-o' -nine-tails  wliich  was  used  by 
Saint  Flagellant  in  his  private  acts  of  penance.  Albeit  it  was  nearly 
ninety  years  in  daily  use,  you  will  observe  the  sainted  instrument  is 
none  the  worse  for  wear;  whereas  the  knout  that  hangs  beside  it, 
wliich  was  kept  by  the  good  saint  for  the  benefit  of  pilgrims,  is  reduced 
by  constant  exercise  well  nigh  to  a' stump.  From_  this  difference  of 
condition  certain  heretics  have  argued  that  the  saint  whipped  those 
who  went  to  him  harder  than  himself ;  but  shallow  reasoning  like  this 
it  is  quite  needless  to  refute,  and  so  we  will  pass  on  to  the  next  inter- 
esting relic  (gasp).  This  is  a  small  fragment  of  the  cover  to  the 
waterbutt  wherein  the  holy  Saint  Keyholius  for  six  weeks  lay  concealed, 
when  pursued  by  the  benighted  heretics  of  England  for  committing  sundry 
necessary  acts  of  saintly  eavesdropping.  According  to  the  chronicles,  he 
was  fed  in  his  retirement  by  a  mouse  that  used  to  creep  in  through  the 
bunghole  of  the  waterbutt,  and  bring  him  every  morning  a  slice_  of 
beefsteak  pudding  and  half  a  pint  of  beer.  Not  having  any  exercise, 
the  holy  saint  so  fattened  on  this  nutritious  diet,  that  when  the  mouse 
informed  him  his  pursuers  were  all  gone,  he  had  to  burst  the  waterbutt 
before  he  could  get  out."  (Gurgle,  gasp,  and-  grunt ;  and  here,  the 
showman  being  breathless,  another  lakes  his  place). 


A  FREE  AND  EASY  ERAULEIN. 

_  The  Konigsberg  correspondent  of  the  Times  relates  an  interesting 
circumstance  which  diversified  the  royal  tomfoolery  just  enacted  there. 
A  lot  of  young  ladies  dressed  in  white  (like  the  bridemaids  in  Der 
Freischiitz)  had  to  receive  the  King  and  Queen  at  the  Brandenburg 
Gate  on  the  Monday  previous  to  the  coronation  day.  Two  of  them 
were  to  make  short  speeches  of  welcome  to  the  King  and  Queen 
respectively;  two  others  to  present  their  Majesties  with  copies  of 
verses,  composed  for  the  occasion.  We  might  hnagine  that  these 
appropriately-attired  damsels  danced  up  to  the  Royal  pair,  waving 
garlands  and  singing,  "  See,  see,  we  bring  fresh  flowers  of" — Autumn, 
to  wit,  dahlias,  chrysanthemums,  and  China-asters,  but  on  the  contrary 
these  girls  appear  to  have  acted  the  silly  part  which  was  assigned  to 
them  with  real  grace,  and  natural  dignity ;  and  no  nonsense.  We  are 
informed  that : — 

"  The  damsel  who  addressed  the  Queen  is  the  daughter  of  one  of  the  burgo- 
masters. She  is  reported  to  have  executed  her  task  (rather  trying  to  provincial 
nerves)  with  much  grace,  and  the  Queen,  when  she  concluded,  held  out  her  hand. 
Instead  of  kissing  it,  the  fan-  Konigsbcrger  gave  it  a  hearty  shake.  Her  Majesty  is 
said  to  have  been  much  amused,  and  to  have  made  the  remark,  that  the  good  people 
of  Konigsberg  seemed  to  be  quite  on  a  familiar  footing  with  Royalty." 

We  hope  that  the  report  which  ascribes  so  extremely  vulgar  a  remark 
to  the  Queen  of  Prussia  is  unfounded.  The  observation  which  her 
Prussian  Majesty  is  accused  of  making  is  just  such  a  one  as  a  foolish 
woman  of  low  origin,  whom  a  still  more  foolish  king  had  stupidly 
married,  would  naturally  have  made.  A  burgomaster's  daughter  of 
ordinary  breeding  would  have  been  a  queen  to  a  queen  capable  of  so 
snobbish  a  saying.  "  Quite  on  a  familiar  footing  with  Royalty  ! "  The 
exclamation  is  just  that  which  woidd  proceed  from  the  lips  of  an  Abigail 
or  a  scullion  elevated  to  a  throne.  "  Quite  on  a  familiar  footing  with 
Royalty— Ahem  !  "  It  is  obvious  that  "  Ahem !  "  must  necessarily  have 
been  added  to  the  speech  above  alleged  to  have  been  uttered  by  the 
Queen  op  Prussia,  but  which  probably  proceeded  from  the  mouth 
of  one  of  her  least  ladylike  servants. 

No  doubt  the  Queen  of  Prussia  was  only  too  happy  in  feeling  the 
heartiness  with  which  her  hand  was  shaken  by  the  burgomaster's  brave 
daughter,  and  was  not  at  all  amazed,  but  very  much  gratified,  to  find 
Royalty,  with  the  good  people  of  Konigsberg,  on  so  popular  a  footing 
as  that  indicated  by  a  hearty  shake  of  the  hand. 

JJ  we  were  assured  that  her  Majesty  really  did.  saythat  "  the  good 
people  of  Konigsberg  seemed  to  be  quite  on  a  familial-  footing  with 
Royalty,"  we  should  take  refuge  in  the  supposition  that  she  _  said  so 
in  joke,  since  by  laying  a  due  emphasis  on  Konig  in  Konigsberg, 
and  the  same  on  Royalty,  she  might  have  made  a  sort  of  a  pun. 


The  E.aie  Sepale  of  the  Union. 

One  of  the  favourite  election  cries  with  the  present  President's  par- 
tisans was  to  call  him,  with  true  democratic  familiarity,  "  a  rail  split- 
ter." His  admirers,  especially  those  amongst  the  enlightened  Hiber- 
nian class,  may  carry  the  familiarity  still  further  now,  if  they  like,  for 
they  have  a  precedent  for  it,  and  confer  on  him  the  proud  title  of  '  The 
rale  splitter  of  the  Union." 


180 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[November  2,  1861. 


Clara  (newly  married).  "  Now, 


A  PARADOX. 

Bob,  if  I  run  through  the  Gold,  I  gain  double, 
don't  1 1 " 


INFALLIBILITY  IN  ERROR. 

The  Holy  Father,  urged  by  Antonelli, 
Condemned  to  death  the  guiltless  Locatelli  ; 
So  he,  beheaded  by  the  Pope's  behest, 
Died  for  the  crime  Castrucci  has  confessed. 

How  came  Infallibility  to  make 
So  gross  and  melancholy  a  mistake  ? 
Pretend  to  govern  in  St.  Peter's  stead! 
Who  was  it  that  cut  off  the  wrong  man's  head  ? 

Oh  !  but,  infallible  in  faith  alone, 
When  speaking  from  his  spiritual  throne, 
His  Holiness  may  blunder  as  to  fact, 
And  so  decree  a  sanguinary  act. 

Then,  such  a  Prince  how  needful  to  restrain 
Within  his  metaphysical  domain ; 
Unerring  Judge  of  mysteries  unseen, 
But  apt  to  misapply  the  guillotine  ! 

Allow  him  still  to  exercise  the  keys, 

And  excommunicate  his  enemies  ! 

But  have  no  more  command  of  axe  and  rope. 

How  long  will  Prance  guard  scaffolds  for  the  Pope 


ABSURD  ASSOCIATION  OP  IDEAS. 

For  several  days  past,  there  has  been  in  the  Times  the 
folio  win"-  advertisement :  — 


w 


ILL  MISSING  :  ONE  THOUSAND  POUNDS,  &c. 


The  association  of  ideas  is  sometimes  very  absurd.  We 
know  it  is  wrong,  and  highly  ridiculous— so  much  so,  that 
the  people  in  the  house  must  think  we  are  mad — but  each 
time  we  see  the  above  advertisement,  we  cannot  possibly 
refrain  from  launching  vociferously  into  the  song  of  ''  Oh, 
Willie,  we  have  -missed  you."  We  do  wish  some  one  would 
make  haste,  and  find  both  the  Will  and  the  way  of  claiming 
those  Thousand  Pounds. 


An  "Area"  Pensee. — "I  wonder  what  Cookey  has 
got  for  supper  ?  " — A  Policeman,  who  is  the  victim  of  a 
devouring  passion. 


A  BUNCH  OF  FRESH-GATHERED  ADVERTISEMENTS. 

We  select  the  following  out  of  a  recent  number  of  the  Daily  Tele- 
graph as  a  very  fair  sample  of  one  day's  reading  of  advertisements  : — 

WANTED,  the  USE  of  a  DEVIL,    with  rather  fine  teeth  and  rapid 
revolution. — Address,  A.B.,  &c. 

Is  the  above  an  advertisement  from  the  corps  known  as  the  "Devil's 
Own  ?  "  As  he  is  expected  to  go  through  "  rapid  revolutions,"  it  would 
look  like  it.  We  are  puzzled  to  know  what  the  "  rather  fine  teeth  " 
are  wanted  for,  unless  it  is  to_  bite  the  cartridges.  For  ourselves,  we 
would  rather  not  be  the  dentist  who  was  called  in  to  examine  the  teeth 
of  a  "  Devil."  We  might  tremble,  lest  it  should  be  our  last  bite  in 
this  world. 

Amongst  the  current  wants  of  the  day,  here  is  another  one  still  more 
curious : — 

\JU ANTED,  in   a   large   town,    thirty    miles    from    London,   a  good 
*  '    CLICKER,  accustomed  to  a  first-class  bespoke  trade,  and  a  good  fitter.    Apply 
at,  &c. 

What  is  "  a  good  Clicker  ? "  Is  it  a  Town  Clock  ?  or,  since  it  is 
required  to  be  "  a  good  fitter  "  is  it  a  Tailor  that  is  expected  to  give 
"  tick  ? "  Really,  there  should  be  a  key  published  with  these  advertise- 
ments. Also,  in  the  name  of  Fortune,  and  its  wheel,  what  can  "  a 
good  bespoke  trade  "  mean  ? 

Here  is  one,  however,  that  is  a  little  more  intelligible  :— 

"PLIZA  COLE  WANTS  A  HOUSEMAID'S  PLACE.     /  prefer  public 
■i-i  to  private.     Address  for  Eliza  Cole,  &c. 

The  bad  grammar  of  the  above  makes  the  meaning  beautifully  simple, 
though  the  preference,  expressed  by  Eliza,  is  decidedly  not  to  be 
admired.  The  prominence,  too,  that  Eliza  Cole  gives  to  her  name  is 
amusing,  just  as  if  she  were  a  celebrated  character  of  great  notoriety, 
like  those  world-known  _  acrobats,  and  orb-admired  Athletes,  who 
advertise  every  week  for  fresh  engagements. 


Talking  of  acrobats,  here  is  a  gentleman  who  has  seemingly  great 
powers  of  expansion  : — 

TO  WHOLESALE  GROCERS  and  Others.— A  Commercial  Traveller, 
covering  the  South  and  West  of  England  every  three  months,  can  TAKE  a 
COMMISSION.     Address,  &c. 

This  Commercial  Traveller  does  not  inform  us  how  he  professes  to 
"cover"  extensive  parts  of  England.  He  must  be  a  great  flat,  on  a 
scale  much  larger  than  "  flats  "  generally  ran,  if  he  can  do  it,  or  if  he 
expects  us  either  to  believe  that  he  can  do  it.  If  Beds  is  one  of  the 
Counties,  we  suppose  his  means  of  covering  it  would  be  with  a  counter- 
pane ?  We  should  like  Herring,  or  Grant,  or  some  sporting  artist, 
to  draw  us  a  picture  of  a  Commercial  Traveller  "  going  to  cover." 

Here  is  the  last.  The  advertiser  this  time  is  not  an  india-rubber 
contortionist,  but  apparently  an  equestrian : — 

pROOM,  Single  Handed;  ride  or  drive  a  BROUGHAM.     Single;  age 
'J  20  years.     Good  character. 

You  see  he  professes  to  "ride"  a  Brougham.  We  thought  it  was 
witches  alone  who  claimed  this  aerial  monopoly.  Not  less  than  a  hun- 
dred years  ago  this  "  single-handed  "  Groom  would  have  been  carried 
to  the  stake  for  making  boldly  this  profane  confession  that  he  could 
"  ride  a  Brougham,"  and  offering  himself  thus  publicly  for  any  one  to 
hire  him.  With  his  powers  of  witchcraft,  he  might  have  presumed  to 
answer  the  advertisement  of  the  gentleman  above,  who  is  hi  such  painful 
want  of  a  "Devil." 

Next  to  a  volume  of  Dr.  Cumming's,  or  a  copy  of  the  Fonetic  Nuz, 
or  the  leaders  of  the  Morning  Advertiser,  we  do  not  know  of  anything  so 
puzzling,  so  mysterious,  or  so  amusing,  for  a  couple  of  hours,  as  a  good 
sheet  of  advertisements. 


Poetic  Yarns  in  Cottonopolis. 

A  Manchester  poet  has  commenced  a  new  epic,  which  begins 
well.  It  opens  with  au  _  invocation  to  the  Muses,  bursting  forth  with 
these  words :—"  Ye  iemi-nines." 


PUNCH,   OH  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


181 


S  the  worthy  Doc- 
tor prophesied 
that  the  world 
was  coming  to 
an  end,  we  knew 
that  we  should 
live  to  see  his 
words  come  true. 
Of  course,  when 
the  prophetic 
Doctor  alluded 
to  the  world,  he 
meant  the  Globe 
in  Leicester 
Square,  which  is 
doomed,  if  ever 
an  ugly  building- 
deserved  being 
doomed.  The 
World  and  the 
Globe  are  pre- 
cisely the  same 
thing,  and  if  Dr. 
Cummins  has 
not  received  suf- 
ficient apprecia- 
tion from  the 
public  on  ac- 
count of  the  prediction— which,  we  are  bound  to  state,  is  as  truthful  as 
most  of  his  predictions— he  can  draw  consolation  from  the  reflection 
that  no  one  is  a  prophet  in  his  own  country.    Look  at  Old  Moore  ! 


^^S3®»*i- 


A  WORD  TO  THE  MARQUIS  OF  NORMANBY. 

My  Noble  Young  Friend, 

In  your  wonderful  vindication  of  the  much  injured  Duke  of 
Modena,  the  ex-instrument  of  Austria  in  governing  one  of  the  sepa- 
rate states  of  a  now  united  Italy,  you  contemptuously  describe  Lord 
Palmerston  as  "  a  pleasant  old  gentleman,  who  tries  facetious  frauds 
on  foreign  powers."  You  should  not  ridicule  anybody  for  being  an  old 
gentleman.  You  may  be  old  yourself  some  day,  as  old  as  Lord  Pal- 
merston himself,  and  ridiculous  in  addition  to  being  old ;  which  Lord 
Palmerston  is  not.  Lord  Palmerston  has  not  renounced  his  liberal 
principles-  in  his  old  age,  Lord  Palmerston  has  not  become  the 
mouthpiece  and  the  champion  of  the  Pope  and  Bomba,  and  the  satraps 
of  the  Austrian  Kaiser.  Is  Lord  Palmerston  "  a  pleasant  old  gen- 
tleman ? "     Suppose  you  are  an  unpleasant  old  gentleman  ? 

If  Lord  Palmerston  were  placed  upon  a  shelf  in  the  Upper  House 
alongside  of  your  lordship,  he  would  not,  as  a  statesman,  whose 
memory  you  must  revere,  said,  "  turn  his  back  upon  himself,"  and,  in 
his  dotage,  undertake  the  office,  which,  in  another  place,  is  discharged 
by  Sir  George  Bowter. 

Respectfully  recommending  your  juvenile  lordship  to  put  the  fore- 
going considerations  in  your  pipe  and  smoke  them,  I  have  the  honour 
to  remain,  your  lordship's  most  obedient  servant,  and  the  confidential 
adviser  of  your  lordship's  youth, 


ORIGINAL  POEMS  EOE  GEEMAN  MINDS. 

There  was  a  large  pond,  and  a  deepish  pond  too, 
And  across  it  great  Swans  at  their  ease  swam  and  Hew. 
Went  backwards  and  forwards  with  splash  and  with  sound, 
Or  in  confident  majesty  sailed  round  and  round. 

One  day  a  fat  chicken  that  lived  thereabout 
Stood  watching  to  see  the  Swans  glide  in  and  out, 
Now  still,  and  now  waving  their  pinions  of  snow, 
She  thought,  of  all  things,  she  should  like  to  do  so. 

This  silly  fat  chicken  was  German  by  birth, 
And  was  meant  to  live  quietly  clucking  on  earth, 
And  her  business  with  water  was  only  a  joke  : 
Just  sometimes  to  wash  when  too  grimy  with  smoke. 

But  the  chick  felt  ambition  distending  her  crop, 

And  she  thought  it  as  easy  to  swim  as  to  hop, 

Though  the  Swans  gave  her  warning  with  friendliest  shout, 

"  You  silly  fat  chicken,  mind  what  you're  about." 

"  My  feet,  wings,  and  feathers,  for  aught  I  can  see, 
Are  as  good  as  the  Swans'  are  for  swimming,"  says  she, 
And  though  I  'in  fat  and  feeble,  and  they  're  strong  of  limb, 
Is  that  any  reason  why  I  should  not  swim  ? 

"  Why  should  not  I  try  then,  as  well  as  those  birds, 
It 's  nothing  but  jealousy  dictates  then-  words, 
And  I  kuow  I  shall  do  it  with  grace  and  with  skill, 
For  a  bird  that  can  Think  can  do  just  what  she  will." 

Then  in  this  poor  ignorant  animal  flew, 
But  soou  found  her  friends  the  Swans'  cautions  were  true ; 
She  splashed,  and  she  dashed,  and  she  turned  herself  round, 
And  heartily  wished  herself  safe  on  the  ground. 

But  now  'twas  too  late  to  begin  to  repent, 
The  harder  she  struggled  the  deeper  she  went ;  _ 
And  at  last  when  each  effort  did  nothing  but  fail, 
A  good-natured  Swan  pulled  her  out  by  the  tail. 

Then  the  Swans  I  perceived  began  loudly  to  laugh, 
Till  the  poor  little  German  was  mad  at  their  chaff, 
But  its  moral,  my  dears,  we  all  understand ; 
And  all  fat  little  Germans  will  stick  upon  land. 


A  NEW  SANITARY  TAX. 


Palmerston  "  tries  facetious  frauds  on  foreign  powers,"  does  he  ? 
That  is  better,  however,  than  trying  dull  fictions  on  the  House  of 
Lords.     Eh  ? 


ENCOURAGE  NATIVE  TALENT. 

When  Courvoisier  was  hanged  for  murdering  Lord  William  Rus- 
sell, the  execution  of  the  assassin  was  celebrated  in  an  affecting  copy  of 
verses,  which  wound  up  with  an  appeal  to  the  nobility,  recommending 
them  to  bestow  their  patronage  exclusively  on  native  valetry,  and — 

"  No  longer  foreigners  employ, 
Which  your  own  country  might  enjoy." 

A  similar  _  exhortation  might  be  addressed  to  young  ladies,  who  are 
prone,  as  in  the  terrible  example  of  poor  Miss  Johnstone,  exhibited 
in  the  trial  of  Signor  Collucci,  to  lavish  then-  affections  and  their 
money  on  a  leering  foreign  scoundrel,  who  despises  the  former,  but 
entertains  the  greatest  possible  regard  and  respect  for  the  latter. 


A  Tax  on  Crinolines  !  Not  only  would  it  be  highly  popular  (amongst 
the  gentlemen,  at  least),  but  it  would  also  be  immensely  profitable. 
As  every  woman  in  the  country  now  wears  one  of  those  ridiculous 
hen-coops,  the  proceeds  to  a  vulgar  fraction  could  easily  be  ascertained. 
We  would  not  have  chddren  even  exempted,  since  they  have  been 
admitted  by  their  foolish  parents  into  this  vicious  circle  of  fashion, 
much  less  servants.  Should  Mr.  Gladstone  avail  himself,  with  his 
usual  good  sense,  of  the  clever  fiscal  and  sanitary  notion  _  we  hereby 
make  him  a  present  of,  we  shall  be  perfectly  content  to  receive,  and  we 
are  sure  a  grateful  nation  would  only  be  _  too  happy  to  award  it,  a 
douceur  of  not  more  than  5  per  cent,  commission  on  the  gross  amount 
levied.  Our  highest  reward,  however,  will  be  in  the  proud  con- 
viction that  Mr.  Punch,  in  this,  as  in  all  other  instances,  will  have 
proved  himself  the  Ladies'  Best  Friend,  if  he  has  done  anytliing  that  is 
likelvto  induce  them  to  return  to  then-  former  graceful  habits. 


Another  Challenge  to  Blondin.- 

We  are  by  (our  own)  authority  enabled  to  announce  that,  after 
M.  Blondin's  last  performance  at  the  Crystal  Palace,  Mr.  Punch  will 
cross  the  transept  in  mid-air,  aud,  as  he  walks  along,  will  Roll  up  the 
Rope  after  him.    (Blundin,  beat  that .') 


Policies  that  are  Doubly  Hazardous. 

Amongst  the  questions  that  are  required  to  be  answered  iu  an 
insurance-paper,  we  believe  the  following  is  for  the  future  to  be 
inserted  in  those  that  have  to  be  filled  up  by  ladies  insuring  their 
lives,  viz. :— "  Do  you  wear  a  Crinoline  ? "  In  the  event  of  the 
answer  being  in  the  affirmative,  the  highest  rate  of  premium  will  be 
charged.  This  regulation  has  been  rendered  necessary  in  consequence 
of  the  numerous  fatal  accidents  that  have  occurred  in  consequence  of 
that  dangerous  fashion.  In  fact,  it  is  stated  that  several  of  the  safest 
offices  have  come  to  the  resolution  of  not  taking  any  such  lives  upon 
any  terms  whatever,  and  all  policies  are  to  be  declared  null  and  void 
when  it  can  be  proved  that  the  death  resulted  from  fire,  or  a  broken  leg, 
or  a  compound  fracture,  or  any  other  form  of  accident  resulting  from  the 
fact  of  wearing  Crinoline. 


THE    ORLEANS   FILIBUSTERS. 


A  Question  very  commonly  asked  is,  What  object  have  the  Duke 
oe  Chartres  and  the  Count  op  Paris  in  view,  enlisting  themselves 
on  the  side  of  the  North  against  the  South  ?  Perhaps  the  conquest  of 
New  Orleans. 


PUNCH, 


LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[November  2,  1861. 


THE  ORLEANS  BOY. 

The  Orleans  Boy  to  the  War  is  gone ; 

In  the  ruck  of  rout  you  '11  find  him : 
A  Southern  foe  him  urging  on, 

With  a  bayonet-point  behind  him. 
"  Land  of  Snobs,"  cried  the  Warrior  scarred 

In  the  rear,  "the  world  won't  praise  us  : 
We  have  had  to  deal  with  Beauregard, 

And  this  is  how  he  pays  us." 

The  Warrior  fell ;  but  he  wasn't  slain, 

Eor  he  rose  and  then  knocked  under, 
And  he  vowed  he  never  would  fight  again ; 

Eor  he  found  he  had  made  a  blunder. 
And  said,  "  No  longer  sully  me, 

Thou  cause  of  greedy  knavery, 
With  blood  that 's  shed  lest  Trade  go  free,  ' 

And  not  to  abolish  Slavery ! 


The  Fangs  of  Absence. 

The  Erench  say  with  great  truth,  "  The  Ab- 
sent are  always  in  the  wrong ; "  and  more  espe- 
cially are  they,  when  they  forget  to  send  you  a 
Money-Order  to  console  one  for  their  absence. — 
A  Poor  Penelope  of  a  wife,  abandoned  by  her 
ivretch  of  an  Ulysses  at  the  Seaside. 


advice  to  backbiters. 


JEMIMER  HANN  'S  LAST  SWEET  THING  IN  HEAD-DRESSES ! 


The  Hunchback  does  not  see  his  own  hunch, 
but  he  sees  clearly  the  hunch  of  another  hunch- 
back. Therefore,  it  is  as  well  to  know  what 
there  is  at  our  own  back,  before  we  venture  to 
laugh  behind  the  backs  of  others. 


AMENDS    TO    AMERICA. 

Mr.  Punch  is  very  anxious  to  conciliate  his  American  friends, 
North  and  South.  They  have  expressed  some  irritation  at  the 
language  of  a  portion  of  our  press  in  reference  to  certain  rowdyism 
and  ruffianism  which  prevail  in  the  States,  but  of  which  we  should 
never  have  known  anything,  let  Jonathan  recollect,  but  for  his  own 
press.  We,  however,  wish  to  make  everything  pleasant,  and  we  take 
an  opportunity  of  appeasing  our  Transatlantic  cousins  by  making  a 
sacrifice  to  their  offended  feelings.  It  is  true  that  the  sacrifice  is  of 
little  value,  but  between  friends  it  is  the  intention  of  a  donor,  and  not 
the  worth  of  the  article,  that  stamps  a  present  with  a  price.  We  have 
heard,  and  have  been  compelled  to  believe,  that  there  are  a  great  many 
writers  in  America  who  use  their  pens  in  an  unworthy  fashion,  indulging 
in  personal  details  and  in  vulgar  vituperation.  America  must  allow 
that  this  is  so.  But,  on  the  other  hand,  such  writers  are  not  exclu- 
sively American.  Mr.  Punch's  attention  has  just  been  called  to  an 
article  in  a  paper  called  the  Liverpool  Albion.  The  article  is  from  the 
pen  of  the  London  Correspondent  of  that  journal,  and  is  headed 
'  Metropolitan  Gossip."  Mr.  Punch  will  extract  from  the  mess  no 
more  than  is  sufficient  to  make  the  single  sentence  which  he  proposes 
to  append  comprehensible  by  Americans,  and  by  Englishmen  also.  He 
would  apologise  for  so  defiling  three  inches  of  his  paper,  but  a  foul 
kite's  wings  are  pulled  open  when  he  is  nailed  over  the  poultry-house 
door. 

The  Liverpool  Albion's  London  Correspondent  has  this  to  say  touch- 
ing a  number  .of  gentlemen,  of  whom  it  is  impossible  that  he  should 
know  anything  personally,  unless  he  has  been  engaged  as  an  extra 
waiter  at  some  public  dinner  at  which  they  may  have  attended. 

"  Returning  to  our  Mayor,  and  such  a  mare's  nest  as  the  Mansion  House  now  is 
might  make  a  hippopotamus  laugh  ;  for  he — not  the  hippopotamus,  but  the  other 
gentleman — isn't  the  size  of  a  Manx  pigmy,  though  from  the  name,  Cubitt,  you 
might  anticipate  prodigious  perpendicularity,  a  In  Goliath.  Perhaps  he  has  it  in 
laterality,  and  is  stupendous  sideways?  No.  Well,  then  in  protuberantiality, 
carrying  a  capon-lined  corporation  in  advance  of  the  head  works  ; — enceirtc,  in  the 
engineering,  not  in  the  obsteteric  [Sic]  significance  of  that  technical  term  ?  No.  As 
our  usual  luck  would  have  it,  whenever  there  is  special  reason  for  presenting  a  parti- 
cularly imposing  ptrsonnel  to  the  foreigner,  we  are  sure  to  offer  some  preposterous 
burlesque  on  all  the  traditions  of  that  British  physique  immemorially  famed  for 
grace  of  lineament,  and  symmetry  of  limb,  and  impressiveness  of  stature,  and 
general  corporeal  attributes  proper  to  the  cross  of  the  prize  breeds  of  the  human 
race,  as  our  Normandic-Celtico-Saxonic-Anglofied  mixture  is.  Yet  what  must  they 
think  of  us  at  Vienna,  from  Lord  John,  followed  by  Lever  and  Roebuck  ?  What  at 
Tekin,  from  Elgin  ;  at  Petersburg,  from  Wodehouse  ;  at  Paris,  from  Cowley  ;  at 
Constantinople,  from  Henry  Bulwer;  at  Washington,  from  Lyons ?— the  very  spots 
of  all  others  on  this  earth  where  our  '  porcelain  of  the  human  clay,'  '  glasses  of 
fashion  and  moulds  of  form,'  should  be  shown  off  to  edify  the  stranger  with  admi- 
ration, instead  of  astonishing  the  natives  with  the  reverse.  Cubitt  is  a  caricature 
on  a  Lord  Mayor,  for  he  looks  as  if  he  were  always  dining  with  Humphrey.  The 
other  Humphrey,  not  the  Duke,  but  the  Alderman,  could,  without  much  incon- 
venience, clap  Cubitt  in  his  pocket,  or  stow  him  away  in  his  digester,  where  much 


tougher  pabulum  frequently  finds  a  place,  and  seemingly  of  not  less  bulk,  to  judge 
by  certain  abdominable  [Sic]  indications  about  that  capacious  wharfinger. .  Cubitt 
is  a  Hop-o'-my-Thumb,  with  weazel  eyes,  pinky  complexion,  and  enormous  spec- 
tacles ;  and  stared  at  indeed  will  he  be  by  spectators  from  abroad  during  the 
forthcoming  influx." 

The  single  sentence  which  Mr.  Punch  begs  to  add,  in  humble  humi- 
liation, is  this— he  docs  not  believe  that  America,  with  all  her  resources 
in  the  ribald  department,  can  produce  a  more  vulgar  or  more  stupid 
blackguard  than  the  London  Correspondent  of  the  Liverpool  Albion. 


Neighbours  Getting  over  their  Distance  to  one  Another. 

The  South-Eastern  Railway  Company  have  placed  a  new  boat,  the 
Victoria,  on  the  Boulogne  and  Eolkestone  line,  and  which  accom- 
plishes the  distance  in  an  hour  and  twenty-seven  minutes.  We 
rejoice  at  this,  as  we  do  at  any  event  that_  brings  Prance  and  England 
nearer  to  one  another.  If  steam  succeeds  in  making  the  two  countries 
closer  friends,  it  will  be  classed  as  the  greatest  of  the  triumphs  that  have 
already  been  recorded  in  its  favour.  The  kettle,  in  the  vapour  of  which 
young' 'j  Watt  prophetically  saw  the  first  steamer,  will  thus  turn  out 
the  most  powerful  pacificator  the  world  has  ever  known.  Por  this,  and 
other  considerations,  the  Peace  Society  could  not  do  better  than  adopt 
the  kettle  as  its  crest— taking,  at  the  same  time,  as  its  motto,  "  Its 
Empire  is  Peace  "—for  the  song  it  is  always  singing  (a  "  Song  without 
Words  "  as  tuneful  as  any  that  Mendelssohn  ever  wrote)  is  the  peace 
that  should  take  the  precedence  of  every  other— that  of  the  domestic 
hearth. 


A  Little  Disappointment. 

Under  the  head  of  Law  Intelligence  it  is  reported  that,  on  Thursday 
last  week,  the  monthly  County  Court  of  the  Sheriffs  of  London  and 
Middlesex  was  held  according  to  appointment ;  when— 

"  Mr.  Mountain,  the  Crier  of  the  Court,  opened  the  proceedings  with  '  0  yea, 
O  yea,'  and  called  upon  all  persons  to  appear.     No  appearance  was  made." 

The  Mountain  appears  to  have  brought  forth  a  mouse. 


CAUTION   TO   Wr00LGATIIERERS. 

To  those  English  steamers,  who  are  attempting  to  run  the  blockade 
of  South  America,  we  beg  to  repeat  the  Spauish  proverb  .—Take  care, 
in  going  in  search  of  wool,  that  you  do  not  return  home  fleeced. 


Glorious  Title  for  a  New  Halfpenny  Newsfaper.- 
porth  of  all  Sorts." 


;  A  Ha'- 


rrinted  by  William  Bradbury,  of  No.  13,  Upper  Woburn  Place,  and  Frederick  Mullett  Evans,  of  No.  19,  Q  leen's  Road  West,  Regent's  Park,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Pancras,  in  the  County  of  Middlesex, 
Printers,  at.  their  Office  in  Lombard  Street,  in  tLe  Precinct  ol  Whitefriars,  in  the  City  of  London,  and  Published  by  them  at  No.  85,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  City  ol  London.— 
Saturday,  Novembers,  1861. 


Early  in  November  will  be  published,  Price  2s.  6d., 

PUNCH'S    POCKET-BOOK     FOR     1862. 

With  a  Coloured  Illustration  by  JOHN  LEECH,  and  numerous 
Woodcuts  by  JOHN  LEECH  and  JOHN  TENNIEL. 

Published  at  the  PUNCH  OFFICE,  85,  Fleet  Street,  and  sold  by  all  Booksellers  ia 
Town  and  Country. 


This  day  is  published,  Price  10s.  6d.,  in  cloth,  gilt  edges,  The  DOUBLE  VOLUME 
fob  1845  (Vols.  8  and  9)  of 

THE     RE-ISSUE     OF      PUNCH. 

Also,  the  Ninth  Volume,  in  boards,  Price  5s.— The  following  are  already  published:— 
Vol.  1  (for  1841),  6s.  ;  Vols.  2  and  3  (1842),  10s.  6d.  ;  Vols.  4  and  5  (1843),  10s.  6d. ;  Vols. 
6  and  7  (1844),  10s.  6d.        *»*  Any  Vol.  or  Double  Vol.  may  always  be  had  separately. 
Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street.  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


> 
< 
D 
c. 

3 

H 

< 

V) 

> 
> 


X 
GO 


Q. 


AND    SOLD   BY   ALL   BOOKSELLERS. 


THE  GAZETTE  OF  BANKRUPTCY 

—A  NEW  LEGAL  AND   COMMERCIAL  JOURNAL,  is  Published 
every  Wednesday  and  Saturday  Morning,  Price  2d.,  Stamped  3d. 
"By  reference  to  it  any  Creditor  will  be  able  at  once  to  ascertain  the  position  of  any  Estate  in  which 
ne  is  interested.  — Times. 
»  m&er/cent  important  change  in  the  law  renders  the  new  Journal  particularly  well  timed."— Da  ilv  News 
itte  first  numbers  of  this  new  Journal  fully  bear  out  its  useful  character."— Money  Market  Review. 

[Office :— 26,  Bell  Yard,  Lincoln's  Inn. 


SECOND  EDITION  OF 


THE      SILVER      CORD. 

Published  this  day,  in  3  vols.,  Price  31s.  6d., 

By  SHIRLEY  BROOKS,  Autbor  of  "The  Gordian  Knot,"  "Aspen  Court,"  &c, 

"There  is  a  wealth  of  materials  in  it  that  is  quite  surprising.    Almost  every  chapter 

has  its  own  striking  situation  allotted  to  it,  and  we  are  constantly  kept  on  the  alert, 

watching  for  something  even  more  startling  than  all  that  has  gone  before." — Saturday 

Review.  [Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


PRICE  FIVE  SHILLINGS. 

"PRANCATELLrS    COOK'S 

£  GUIDE.— Now  Ready. 

From  the  Times. — "An  admirablemanualfor  every 
household  where  pleasure,  health  and  economy  are 
consulted.  The  whole  book  has  the  merit  of  being 
exceedingly  plain,  of  containing  sufficient  cross 
references  to  satisfy  a  Panizzi,  and  of  being  so  sev- 
viceably  arranged,  in  all  its  parts,  that  we  defy  you 
to  miss  any  of  the  consolations  intended  fur  your 
physical  infirmities." 

London:    Richard  Bentley,  New  Burlington 
Street,  Publisher  in  Ordinary  to  Her  Majesty. 

THE    QTJEEN-AN     ILLUS- 

&    TRATED  JOURNAL  AND  REVIEW, 
6rf.  Weekly. 

"The  Queen"  is  the  earliest  and  most  accurate 
chronicler  of  La  Moile.  At  all  booksellers,  and  post 
free  for  t»  stamps  from  the  Office,  24S  Strand,  W.C. 


PAPER    COLLARS,  6d.  PER 

•&  DOZ.,  or  5s.  per  gross,  Post  Free. 
Enamelled  Cloth  ditto  (improved)  'hi.  and  Is.  per 
dozen.  Post  Free.  Everlasting  Collars,  6d.  each. 
Post  Free.  Patentee,  Autuitk  Granger,  Paper  Hat 
and  Drapery  Dep6t,  and  CUeap  Stationery  Store, 
3(18,  High  Holborn,  W.C.  Trade  supplied;  Agents 
wanted. 

MROAT    AFFECTIONS, 

■8.  AND  COUGHS  are  immediately  re- 
lieved by  allowing,  occasionally,  one  of 

DR.  LOCOCK'S  PULMONIC  WAFERS 
to  dissolve  in    the  mouth.     They  have  a  pleasant 
taste,  and  are  sold  by  all  druggists,  at  Is.  lid., 2s.  9d., 
and  lis.  per  box.    Beware  of  Counterfeits. 


pATBNT  Indestructible  Mineral  Teeth, 
^  and  Flexible  Gums  without  Palates,  Springs  or 
Wires,  and  without  any  operation.  "One  Set  lasts 
a  Lifetime,"  and  warranted  for  every  purposeof  mas- 
tication or  articulation,  even  when  all  others  fail. 
Purest  materials  and  first-class  workmanship  at 
half  the  usual  cost. 
No.  27,  HABXEY  STREET,    CAVENDISH    SQ.t 

ancU-l.LUDGATE  HILL,  LONDON; 

65,  NEW  STREET.  BIKJIINGHAM; 

134,  DUKE   STREET,  LIVERPOOL. 

ffHUBB'S   PATENT  DETEC- 

^  TOR  LOCKS :  Chubb's  Fire  and  Bur- 
glar Proof  Safes;  Chubb's  Fireproof  Strong-room 
Doors ;  Chubb's  Street-door  Latches,  with  small 
keys;  Chubb's  Cash  and  Deed  Boxes.— Illustrated 
Price  List  sent  free. 

Coubb  &  Son,  No.  57,  St.  Paul's  Churchyard. 

SATJCE.-LEA  &  PERRINS' 
WORCESTERSHIRE  SAUCE.  Pro- 
nounced by  Connoisseurs  to  be  "The  only  Good 
Sauce." 

Sold  Wholesale  and  for  Export,  by  the  Proprietors, 
Worcester;  Messrs.  Crosse  «  BLACKwKLi,,London, 
&c.  &c,  and  by  Grocers  and  Oilmen  universally. 

WOLLO  WAY'S      PTLLS 

a&  possess  the  most  astonishing  powers 
in  the  cure  of  general  debility,  and  in  renovating  the 
system.  The  surprising  effect  of  these  pills  is  such 
as  to  restore  health,  when  it  appears  lost  for  ever. 


GARDNERS  LAMP' 


BLLSOPP'S  PALE  ALE,  IN 

*"A  Bottle,  recommended  by  Baron  Liebig 
and  all  the  faculty,  may  now  be  had  in  the  linest 
condiiion  of  Messrs.  Harrington,  Parker,  &  Co., 
5i,  Pall  Mall,  and  14J,  Regent  Street,  Waterloo 
Place,  S.W. 

WANTED,     LEFT-OFF 

WO  CLOTHES,  Uniforms,  Furniture, 
Miscellaneous  Property,  &c.  The  highest  price 
given.  Ladies  or  Gentlemen  waited  on  by  addressing 
to  Mr.  or  Mrs.  G.  Hyam,  10,  Beak  Street,  Regent 
Street,  W. ;  or  Parcels  being  sent  the  utmost  value 
i  n  cash  immediately  remitted.    Established  1820. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— November  9,  1861. 

CHARLES    READE'S    NEW  NOVEL,    "THE    CLOISTER    AND 

THE  HEARTH." 

A  MATTER  OF  FACT  ROMANCE,  by  the  Author  of  "  It 's  Never  Too  Late  to  Mend," 
is  now  ready,  and  to  be  had  at  all  respectable  libraries.     4  Vols.     Price  £1  lis.  Od. 
TRUBNER  &  Co.,  Paternoster  Row. 

DR.  DE  JONGH'S 

(Knight  of  the  Order  of  Leopold  of  Belgium) 

)  LIVER  OIL 

Prescribed  by  the  most  eminent  Medical  Men  throughout  the  world  as  the  safest,  speediest, 
and  most  effectual  remedy  for 

CONSUMPTION,   CHRONIC   BRONCHITIS,  ASTHMA,  COUGHS,    RHEUMATISM,  GOUT, 

GENERAL    DEBILITY,    DISEASES   OF   THE    SKIN,    RICKETS,  INFANTILE  WASTING, 

AND  ALL  SCROFULOUS  AFFECTIONS, 

Is  incomparably  Superior  to  every  other  Variety. 

SELECT   MEDICAL    OPINIONS  : 

SIR  HENSY  MARSH,  Bart.,  M.D.,  Physician  in  Ordinary  to  the  Queen  in 
Ireland. — "  I  consider  Dr.  de  JoDgh's  Cod  Liver  Oil  to  be  a  very  pure  Oil,  not  likely  to  create 
disgust,  and  a  therapeutic  agent  of  great  value." 

SIR  JOSEPH  OLLIFFE,  M.D.,  Physician  to  the  British  Embassy  at  Paris.— 
"  I  have  frequently  prescribed  Dr.  de  Jongh's  Light  Brown  Cod  Liver  Oil,  and  I  have  every 
reason  to  be  satisfied  with  its  beneficial  and  salutary  effects." 

DR.  LcNKESTER,  E.R.S.—  "I  deem  the  Cod  Liver  Oil  sold  under  Dr.  de  Jongh's 
guarantee  to  be  preferable  to  any  other  kind  as  regards  genuineness  and  medicinal  efficacy." 

DR.  LAWRANCE,  Physician  to  H.R.H.  the  Duke  of  Saxe-Coburg  and  Gotha.— "I 
invariably  prescribe  Dr.  de  Jongh's  Oil  in  preference  to  any  other,  feeling  assured  that  I  am 
recommending  a  genuine  article,  and  not  a  manufactured  compound  in  which  the  efficacy  of 
this  invaluable  medicine  is  destroyed."     

Dr.  de  Jongh's  Light-Brown  Cod  Liver  Oil  is  sold  only  in  imperial  half-pints,  2s.  Gd. ; 
pints,  is.  9tt.  ;  quarts  9s.  ;  capsuled  and  labelled  with  his  stamp  and  signature,  without  which 
none  can  possibly  be  genuine,  by  respectable  Chemists. 

Sole  Consignees  :— ANSAR,  HARFORD,  <fe  Co.,  77,  Strand,  London,  W.C. 
CAUTION. — Beware  of  Proposed  Substitutions. 

APPllMBROTHERS5 

TABLE   CUTLERY,   67  &  68,    KING    WILLIAM    STREET, 

LONDON  BRIDGE.     Established  in  Sheffield,  a.d.  1810. 

None  arc  genuine  without  their  Corporate  Mark — the  "Sun,"  granted  to  their  father  by  the 
Cutlers'  Company  of  Sheffield,  June  26th,  1S35. 

Ordinary  Quality.  Medium  Quality.  Best  Quality. 
Two  dozen  full-size  Table  Knives  ivory  handles  £2    4    0         £3     0     0         £4  12    0 

One-and-a-half  dozen  full-size  Cheese  ditto   140  114    0  2  110 

One  pair  regular  meat  Carvers  0     7    6  011     0  0  15    6 

One  pair  extra  size  ditto 0    8    6  0  12    0  0  16    6 

One  pair  Poultry  Carvers 076  0  110  0  15     6 

One  Steel  for  Sharpening 030  040  060 

Complete  Service £4  14    6        £6  18    6        £9  16    6 

Any  quantity  can  be  had  at  the  same  prices.     None  of  the  above  can  come  loose  in  Hot  Water. 
Manufactory,  Queen's  Cutlery  Works,  Sheffield. 

EWER  AND  CO-'S   MUSICAL   LIBRARY, 

The  Largest  Establishment  of  its  kind  in  the  world,  is  now  open  to  Subscriber's. 

SUBSCRIBERS  IN  TOWN        (^^^^W^L,         ™°SS7  ^ 
Receive  2  guineas'  worth       (  s-^&SK$£f& '    '      ^P^aE         \ 

f  >  ^wixSlfiw  v'/'('^-V?t<,W'"''~^'  '    Vl    '    fll'neas'  worth 

Which  may  be  exchanged      y--^  f~^^S$sff  \       fr~~~ 

\   J*    ^^eEw  '      ;^4,    r^  '  Which  may  be  exchanged 

Annual  Subscription,  Two  Guineas.     One  Guinea's  worth  of  Music  will  be  presented  to  each 

Subscriber.     Prospectuses  gratis  on  application. 

EWER  &  Co.,  Her  Majesty's  Music  Sellers,  87,  Regent  Street,  W. 

UNITED    STATES    OF   AMERICA. 
KINGSFORD'S 

OSWEGO   PREPARED   CORN, 

For  Puddings,  Custards,  Blanc  Mange,  &c. 
IS  THE  ORIGINAL  ARTICLE— ESTABLISHED  1849. 

The  Oswego  has  a  Delicacy  and  Purity  not  possessed  by  any  of  the  English 

Imitations. 
gST  Give  it  one  trial,  so  as  to  know  what  the  genuine  American  article  is. 

?HE    POCKET     SIPH0NIA    DEPQT.-EDMISTON    AND     SON, 

=*  Sole  Manufacturers  of  the  12  oz.  Waterproof  Coat  for  India,  guaranteed  not  to  be  sticky, 
no  matter  the  climate  it  is  subject  to.  Prom  42s.,  all  silk  50s.  to  65s.  Measurement  required, 
the  length  and  size  round  the  chest.    Knapsacks  for  Tourists,  18s.  6d. 

FISHING  STOCKINGS,  21s.  to  25s.  per  pair. 
5,  CHARING   O&OSS,   late   69,   STRAND. 

^T>\     fO    CHARGE    MADE    FOR     STAMPING    PAPER 

:<i\       XH    and  ENVELOPES  with  ARMS,  CREST,  or  INITIALS.— RODR1GUES' 

trf'W\Va     superior  cream-laid  adhesive  ENVELOPES,  4d.  per  100;  cream-laid  note,  full-size,  five  quires 

t1'^  \     \    for  fid.;  thick  ditto,  five  quires  for  l.v. ;  superfine  foolscap,  9s.  per  ream;  sermon  paper,  4s.  Kd. 
S5§»Ul*»         WEDDING  CARDS.  WEDDING  ENVELOPES.    IMITATIONS   to   the  CEREMONY, 
>H;   mJ     /    DEJEUNER  and  BALL,  PRINTED  and  STAMPED  in  SILVER,  with  ARMS  or  CREST 
in  the  latest  fashion.    CARD-PLATE  ELEGANTLY  ENGRAVED   and   100   SUPERE1N.J 
CARDS  PRINTED  for  4s.  6d. 
Sfe-37  Observe,  at  HENRY  RODRIGUES'  well-known  Establishment,  42, Piccadilly,  two  doors 

iZ2^  from  Sackville  Street,  W. 


PARIS  FOR  20s    via  NEW- 
HAVEN  and  DIEPPE,  from  London     1 
Bridge  and  Victoria  Stations  daily. 

BRIGHTON,    HASTINGS, 
EASTBOURNE,     WORTHING,     ST 

LEONARDS,  and  the  South  Coast  Watering  Places  J 
—Weekly,  Fortnightly,  Monthly,  and  other  Season  ) 
Tickets, issued  from  London  Bridge  and  Victoria,  at 
the  usual  low  rates. 

HASTINGS  IN  TWO  HOURS 
by  the  BRIGHTON  and  SOUTH 
COAST  LINE,  Twice  each  way  DAILY,  at  RE- 
DUCED FARES.  From  London  Bridge  at  10  a.m. 
and  4  p.m.,  and  at  9.50  a.m.  and  3.50  p.m.  from  the 
Victoria  Terminus,  Buckingham  Palace.  Cheap 
Saturday  to  Monday  Tickets  every  Saturday  after- 
noon.   All  these  trains  run  to  and  from  Eastbourne 


100  PATTERNS  TO  CHOOSE  FROM 

In  Fancy  Flannels  all  Wool  commencinc 

idJ/^/.PAff'efi'NS  Gratis  and  free  byPost. 
/       > 


PETER    ROBINSON, 

103  to  108,  OXFORD  STREET. 


BMESSIING  SSMk 
if  GENTLEMEN {cHESre. 


©PPOSITE/RANTHEGi; 

OXFORD-STREET. 

f  0ND0N  AND  RYDER,  late 

Jm  Hancock,  Goldsmiths  and  Jewellers, 
17,  New  Bond  Street,  respectfully  invite  the  notice 
of  the  nobility,  &c,  to  their  New  Stock  of  Elegant 
Jewellery.  Every  article  in  the  best  possible  taste, 
and  at  moderate  prices.  A  variety  of  novelties  spe- 
cially adapted  for  Wedding  Souvenirs.  Diamonds 
rearranged,  &c.  17,  New  Bond  Street,  corner  of 
Clifford  Street.    Established 30  Years. 


ROWLANDS'  MACASSAR  OIL,  for  promoting 
the  Growth,  Restoring  and  Beautifying  the  llumau 
Hair. 

ROWLANDS'  KALYDOR  for  Improving  and 
Beautifying  the  Complexion  and  Skin,  and  Eradi- 
cating Cutaneous  defects. 

ROWLANDS'  ODONTO,  or  Pearl  Dentifrice,  for 
the  Teeth,  Gums,  and  Breath. 

Sold  at  20,  Hatton  Gardeo,  and  by  Chemists  and 
Perfumers. 

VOLUNTEER    AND    ARGH- 

»     ERY  PRIZES.— BURROWS  LAND- 
SCAPE GLASSES  are  the  most  popular. 
W.  &  J.  Burrow,  Malvern. 

C3ANGSTERS' 

Silk   and  Alpaca 
Umbrellas,    and    Sun 
Shades,   on  Fox's  Pa- 
ragon Frames. 
140,  Regent  Street,  W. ; 
94,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. ; 
10,RoyalExchange,E.C. 
75,  Cheapside,  E.C. 
SHIPPERS  SUPPLIED. 

QALT  and  Co.'s  EAST  INDIA 

^  PALE  ALE  (imperial  pints  4s.  9d.  the 
dozen),  Burton  Ales,  and  G-iunneas's  extra  Stout,  in 
bottles  of  reputed  and  imperial  measures,  and  casks 
of  18  gallons  and  upwards.  Ale  for  exportation.— 
Mood  i  &  Co.,  Agents,  Lime  Street,  E.C. 


[THE  FISIEST  S0UCHQNG3'9.PJ?Ifcl 
GnaKairtBecL  the  33  est   Quality  i 

..MIOOKE  BROTHERS! 

UsiOWDOM  BRI'BGE'T,CiTy.  I 

EQBIWSONS    PATENT 
BARLEY,  for  making  quickly  and  at 
small  cost  superior  Barley  Water. 

EOBINSON'S    PATENT 
GROATS,  the  most  esteemed  and  best 
known  preparation  for  making  pure  Gruel. 


November 


THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


183 


HUMILITY. 


Old  Female.  "  Want  to  paint  me  in  a  picter,  Sir  ?  Lawk  a  mercy  me,  Sir  !    Well,  Sir, 
you  know  best,  Sir.  Surely  !  " 


PRECIOUS  PROSELYTES. 

The  subjoined  passage  occurs  in  certain  "  Correspondence  respecting  the  Spiritual 
Condition  of  Convicts  in  the  Hants  County  Prison,  between  the  Visiting  Justices 
and  the  Rev.  J.  Collingeldge,"  quoted  by  the  Tablet.  Me.  Collingeidge,  it 
must  be  premised,  has  been  complaining  that  the  Common  Prayer  Book  is  left  in 
the  cells  of  Roman  Catholic  prisoners  : — 

"  Wliy  should  a  book  which  thus  speaks  of  what  Catholics  deem  most  sacred,  be  thrust  upon 
a  Catholic  ?  My  poor  prisoners  are  most  of  them  Irishmen  and  soldiers,  and  as  such  are  the  most 
likely  to  feel  deeply,  and  resent  keenly  the  grievances  complained  of.  As  Irishmen  they  are  fully 
aware  that  in  any  of  the  gaols  of  their  own  country,  none  of  these  hardships  would  be  inflicted 
upon  them. " 

*  How  very  strange,  if  true,  it  is  that  Me.  Collengeidge's  "  poor  prisoners " 
should  be  so  "  fully  aware,"  as  he  describes  them  to  be,  of  the  nature  of  the  spiritual 
arrangements  existing  in  the  gaols  of  Ireland.  Experience  alone  could  have 
rendered  uneducated  and  ignorant  men  so  intimately  acquainted  with  the  economy 
of  prison  interiors.  At  this  rate,  they  must  be  very  old  and  inveterate,  if  not 
incorrigible,  offenders.  The  religious  influences  which  have  heretofore  been  brought 
to  bear  upon  them  can  have  availed  but  little,  and  there  may  be  reason  to  question 
whether  it  would  not  be  almost  desirable  to  try  upon  such  very  confirmed 
criminals  the  experiment,  how  great  a  hardship  soever,  of  even  putting  the  Prayer 
Book  in  their  way.  Popery  having  failed  to  reclaim  these  Roman  Catholic  rogues, 
is  there  not  some  excuse  to  be  made  for  endeavouring  to  get  them,  uncompelled, 
to  undergo  a  Protestant  reformation  ? 


The  Coming  Man.— We  read  that  "  the  old  Palace  at  Avignon  is  being 
sumptuously  renovated  by  order  of  the  Empeeoe."  This  looks  promising.  It 
holds  out  the  hope  that  the  Pope  has  at  last  received  notice  to  quit.  Surrounded 
with  papistical  ruins,  he  would  himself  be  the  most  interesting  historical  ruin  of 
the  lot. 


THE  PRINCE  AT  THE  BAR. 

In  the  Strand  is  a  commotion, 

There  's  a  press  at  Temple  Bar  : 
Where  like  crossing  tides  of  Ocean, 

Eastern,  western,  currents  war  : 
'Busses  pause  in  mid-careering, 

Cabbies  sit  in  forced  repose, 
While  from  box  and  foot-board  fleering 

Chaff  keeps  gath'ring  as  it  goes  ! 

When  I  ask  the  cause  of  stoppage, 

'Tis  the  Peince  of  Wales  1  'm  told, 
Who  to-day  assumes  the  wrappage, 

Of  the  legal  toga's  fold. 
Utter  Barrister  they  '11  make  him, 

Then  within  the  Bar  invite, 
Then  upon  the  Bench  they  '11  take  him, — 

All  per  saUum—a.s  is  right. 

"  There 's  no  royal  road  to  learning," 

'Tis  a  proverb  false  as  stale  : 
Made  by  men,  in  envy  spurning 

At  the  ranks  beyond  their  pale. 
Lo,  this  gracious  Prince  to  learning 

On  the  royal  road  we  see —  _ 
Ne'er  was  road  so  full  of  turning 

As  that  road  appears  to  be. 

First,  as  we  have  seen,  due  Nor'rards, 

It  to  Modem  Athens  tends  : 
Then,  where  subjects'  roads  lead  for'rards, 

Sudden  due  South  it  bends. 
He  must  follow  it  to  Cambridge, 

Where  he  hopes  repose  to  know, 
After  having  crossed  the  same  bridge, 

O'er  which  subject  asses  go. 

No— this  royal  road  no  mercy 

Shows  a  prince  in  course  of  cram  : 
Round  it  whips  him,  vicey-versy, 

To  the  Isis  from  the  Cam. 
Ask  him  not  if  mathematic, 

Or  if  classic  be  his  choice, 
By  this  royal  road  erratic 

He  must  trudge,  without  a  voice. 

Off  it  whisks  him  to  the  Curragh, 

Camp  experience  to  gain : 
Then  to  make  confusion  thorough, 

Back  to  civil  life  again — 
And  as  goal  of  civil  study, 

Eortress  of  Chicane  and  Jaw  ; 
Lo,  the  Princely  boots  are  muddy 

On  the  royal  road  to  Law  ! 

Hapless  Prince  !    An  age  of  cramming 

Owns  its  martyr-type  in  thee :_ 
Never  brain-pan  had  such  ramming 

Since  first  brain-pans  rammed  could  be. 
How  it  keeps  its  charge  from  spilling. 

Bursting  up,  or  running  o'er, 
Who  shall  say  ?    Was  horse  so  willing 

Ever  spurred  so  hard  before  ? 

Say  not  then,  that  unto  learning 

There  is  not  a  royal  road  : 
Let  us  thank  the  stars  discerniug 

If  that  path  we  have  not  trode. 
Happy  he,  whate'er  his  calling, 

Who  of  callings  has  but  one  _: 
And  so  'scapes  the  verdict  galling— 

"  Jack-of-all-trades,  Lord  of  none  !  " 


Specimen  of  Hebdomadal  Bosh. 

The  Welsh  attorneys  have  got  it_  into  their  heads  that 
their  Prince,  being  now  a  barrister,  is  bound  to  take  their 
briefs,  and  scarcely  a  day  passes  but  a  lawyer  from  the 
Principality,  with  a  new  blue  bag,  is  stopped  by  the  sentinels 
at  Windsor,  in  his  insane  attempt  to  find  out  H.R.H.'s 
clerk.  The  Peince  is  very  good-natured,  and  has  given 
orders  that  none  of  the  poor  fellows  shall  be  harshly  used, 
but  that  each  shall  be  presented  with  a  glass  of  cicrw,  and 
directed  to  the  railway,  but  they  get  very  noisy,  and  splut- 
ter uncouth  remonstrances,  to  the  immense  amusement  of 
the  Maids  of  Honour.— Court  Journal. 


VOL.  xli. 


V 


184 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[November  9,  1861. 


lifetime 

years." 
the  pro- 
of   life, 


A    WOMAN    NEVER    GROWS    OLD. 

kan ting-  the  returns  of 
Births  and  Deaths,  &c, 
for  the  year  1859  that 
were  published  a  few 
weeks  ago  to  be  cor- 
rect, it  seems  that  fifty- 
six  women  attained  what 
Dr.  Farr  calls  (and 
what  we  cannot  help 
considering  rather  a 
Farr  -  fetched  opinion) 
"  the  natural 
of  a  hundred 
Taking  100  as 
per  terminus 
there  are  very  few  hu- 
man beings  we  are 
afraid,  who  ever  reach 
their  journey's  end.  It 
would  seem  as  though 
there  were  as  many  ac- 
cidents on  one's  jour- 
ney through  life  as 
there  are  unfortunately 
on  a  railway!  Mos1 
travellers  break  down 
halfway,  or  rarely  arrive  at  the  station  they  were  anxious  to  reach. 
For  instance,  according  to  the  Registrar's  return,  only  twenty-five 
men  attained  a  hundred  years — twenty-five  men  against  fifty-six  women, 
who  accomplished  the  same  distance.  There,  you  see  the  women 
beat  the  men  in  everything !  They  even  beat  us  in  living  longer. 
Not  only  will  they  have  the  last  word,  but  they  hisist,  also,  upon 
having  the  last  minute  !  The  wonder  is  that  they  allow  themselves 
to  be  beaten  by  Death  even.  We  can  understand  with  a  woman,  who 
says  resolutely  "  I  will  not  die,"  how  very  difficult  it  must  be  for 
Pallida  Mors  to  get  the  better  of  her  obstinacy  !  Of  course,  not  one  of 
those  fifty-six  female  centenarians  were  married ;  for  if  we  are  to  believe 
the  police  reports  that  chronicle  the  doings  of  low  life,  it  would  seem 
that,  where  marriage  is  concerned,  it  is  the  husband  who  beats  the 
wife.  Therefore,  when  we  said  that  woman  beats  man  in  everything', 
we  intended  one  little  exception,  and  that  was  wife-beating.  But  we 
are  wrong,  perhaps,  in  alluding  to  such  contemptible  creatures,  who, 
far  from  ranking  equal  to  Man,  degrade  themselves  to  a  lower  level 
even  than  that  of  the  Brute. 

The  two  oldest  persons  in  the  Registrar's  returns  for  1859  are 
women — one  in  Monmouthshire,  and  one  in  South  Wales,— each  of 
whom  readied  the  patriarchal  age  of  110.  You  see  how  the  Welsh 
obstinacy  asserted  itself  characteristically  up  to  the  very  last.  You 
may  be  sure  that  each  good  old  soul  had  made  up  her  mind  not  to  die  a 
day  before  she  was  five-score  years  and  ten — no,  not  even  if  she 
perished  in  the  attempt ! 

We  wonder  if  the  above  ladies  were  in  the  habit  of  proudly  confessing 
their  ages,oras  ladies  sometimes  will,  resortedto  the  arithmetical  practice 
of  making  a  liberal  subtraction  from  the  sum  total  ?  In  answer  to  the 
inquiries  of  curious  strangers,  did  they  truthfully  say,  "Well,  next 
year,  if  it  please  Heaven  I  live  long  enough,  I  shall  be  exactly  111 ; " 
or,  did  they  evasively  answer  (supposing  there  is  any  evasion  to  such  a 
question)  "Well,  Sir,  I  am  getting  old,  and  my  memory,  you  see, 
begins  to  fail  me  a  wee  bit,  but  I  am  afraid  that  next  birthday  I  shall  be 
as  much  as  forty-two — it  may  be,  forty-three, — or,  perhaps,  only  forty- 
one.  At  my  time  of  life,  Sir,  what  is  the  difference  of  one  year  ?  "  We 
have  not  endeavoured  to  give  the  above  answers  in  the  choice  Cambrian 
tongue,  inasmuch  as  we  happen  to  be  rejoicingly  ignorant  of  that  pre- 
Adamite  language ;  but  supposing  that  woman's  little  weakness  on  the 
point  of  age  strengthened  instead  of  growing  feebler  the  longer  she 
grew  (and  old  age  has  the  reverse  effect  on  a  mental  weakness  than  it 
has  on  a  physical  one),  the  answers,  we  fancy,  would  not  fall  very  far 
short  of  the  second  form  we  have  complaisantly  conjectured  above. 
We  call  forty-two  a  very  fan  confession  for  a  lady  who  has  been  con- 
victed by  the  Registrar-General  to  be  not  more  than  110. 

However,  we  have  said  more  than  enough  to  prove  that,  on  the  head 
of  longevity,  Woman  is  fairly  the  master  of  Man.  If  Old  Parr  had 
lived  in  these  days,  we  should  have  witnessed  the  sorrowful  sight  of 
Old  Mrs.  Parr  weeping  over  his  premature  grave. 


Great  Fall  of  Blacks. 


THE  IMPERIAL  THIMBLERIG; 

OR,    "UNDER   WHICH    HAT    IS    THE   ROMAN   PEA?" 

There  's  a  thimblerigger  has  his  stand 

In  the  stately  Tuileries, 
And  never  did  rig,  on  a  scale  so  big, 

Draw  such  a  companie 
As  watch  the  twist  of  that  nimble  wrist, 

As  it  works  the  Roman  pea ! 

His  board  is  a  map  of  the  fair  estate 

That  Matilda  gave  the  Pope, 
In  days  afar  when  the  triple  tiar 

With  crowns  en  masse  could  cope ; 
When  St.  Peter's  boat  had  water  to  float,  ' 

And  was  taut  in  ribs  and  rope. 

Cross-keys  and  a  sword  are  the  legs  of  the  board, 

And  in  place  of  the  thimbles  three, 
'Neath  which,  hi  a  vulgar  rig,  the  flats 

Look  out  for  the  little  pea, — 
There 's  a  little  cocked  hat,  and  a  Cardinal's  hat, 

And  a  Bersaglier's  kepi. 

The  little  cocked  hat  it  stands  for  France ; 

The  Cardinal's  hat  for  Rome ; 
The'  kepi  stands  for  Italy, 

Who'd  square  home  affairs  at  home  : 
But  there's  the  French  Cock  on  the  Capitol's  rock, 

And  who's  to  cut  his  Comb  ? 

"  Now  noble  sportsmen,  make  your  game. 

Look  sharp,  and  the  trick  is  done ; 
Now  here,  now  there,  all 's  on  the  square, 

The  odds  are  two  to  one. 
One,  two,  and  three — goes  the  little  pea, — 

Who  '11  bet  to  which  hat  it 's  run  ?  " 

"  Hold  hard !  'tis  under  the  scarlet  tile —  " 
Says  a  tonsured  flat,  "  I  '11  swear !  " 

"  Done,  Sir,  with  you !  "  and  the  flat  looks  blue, 
For  never  a  pea  is  there ! 

"  The  Hat !  "  "  the  Kepi ! "  lift  either  and  see- 
But,  lo,  the  board  is  hare ! 

And  so  goes  on  the  little  game, 

While  the  Roman  pea  doth  spin, 
From  hat  to  hat,  till  what  to  be  at, 

The  flats  to  doubt  begin — 
And  'tis  pretty  clear,  of  all  that  are  here, 

But  one  is  meant  to  win. 

Back  which  you  choose,  you  're  as  safe  to  lose 

As  a  duck  to  swim  to  land  ; 
But  there 's  one  bet,  which  if  you  can  get, 

In  with  you  I  'd  like  to  stand ; 
That  wherever  it  be,  the  little  pea 

Is  well  in  the  rigger's  hand ! 


Five  Otliellos  are  stabbing  themselves  regularly,  just  now,  and  there 
will  soon  be  a  sixth,  Mr.  Charles  Kean  having  ordered  the  largest  pot 
of  blacking  Messrs.  Day  and  Martin  supply,  and  having  announced 
that  he  is  cubbing  dext. 


POINTING  A  CANNON  WITH  A  MORAL  PURPOSE. 

If  Cannons  must  fire,  we  do  not  see  why  their  shot  should  not  be 
made  to  tell  upon  something.  There  can  be  no  object  in  shooting  so 
much  money  into  the  sea,  when  the  same  expenditure  would  demolish 
a  nuisance  that  cries  aloud  for  removal.  We  propose,  therefore,  that 
when  the  next  experiments  are  tried  with  the  Armstrong  guns,  they 
should  be  brought  to  bear  upon  that  ugly  block  of  buildings  that  stand 
as  much  in  the  way  of  moral  as  of  human  progress,  and  which  act  the 
part  of  a  blockade  in  the  most  crowded  part  ol  the  Strand.  We  allude 
to  that  vile  haunt  of  impurity  and  infidelity  known  as  Holywell  Street. 
K  Sir  William  Armstrong  can  succeed  in  removing  that  filthy 
impediment  to  the  free  circulation  of  fresh  air  and  pure  thought,  we 
wall  be  ready  to  declare  against  all  his  detractors  that  his  guns  are  the 
very  best  guns  that  ever  were  invented. 


The  Retort  Courteous. 

An  Actor  who  remembers  that  "  Othello "  rhymes  to  "  bellow," 
and  behaves  accordingly,  is  preaching  lustily  through  that  jflay  at 
Drury  Lane ;  and  his  manager,  with  an  amiable  sneer  at  a  rival,  an- 
nounces that  the  Tragedy  is  given  "from  the  text  of  Shakspeare." 
A  good  way  from  the  Text,  no  doubt,  which  may  be  the  reason  why 
the  performance  resembles  a  bad  Sermon. 


November  9,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


185 


AN   EXTENSIVE   SEIZURE   OF   TOBACCO. 

Last  week  an  extensive  seizure  of  Tobacco  took  place  in  one  of  the 
most  fashionable  bouses  in  Belgravia,  under  most  peculiar  circum- 
stances. On  Thursday,  about  half-past  eleven  o'clock,  as  Lady 
Debrett  (whilst  the  inquiry  is  pending,  we  have,  of  coivrse,  abstained 
from  giving  the  real  names  J  was  about  to  retire  to  bed  for  the  night, 
she  fancied  she  could  detect  strong  fumes,  which,  to  her  refined  sense, 
appeared  to  be  those  of  Tobacco  !  Though  naturally  alarmed,  as  any 
lady,  under  similar  circumstances,  would  have  been,  she  did  not 
hesitate  a  moment,  but  courageously  opened  the  door,  when  the  strong 
smell,  that  pervaded  the  entire  establishment,  no  longer  left  her  in 
doubt  as  to  the  fearful  nature  of  the  fact.  Nothing  daunted,  she  threw 
over  her  shoulders  the  nearest  peignoir  at  hand,  and  proceeded  up-stairs 
in  the  dark,  imagining,  with  a  quickness  of  truthful  discrimination, 
which  is  the  highest  proof  of  her  great  presenceof  mind,  that  a  candle 
might  probably  give  the  offender  timely  notice  of  her  approach, 
reeling  her  way  cautiously  by  the  banisters,  her  ladyship  trusted 
entirely  to  the  instinct  of  her  nasal  organ,  which  was  unquestionably 
the  best  guide  she  could  have  had  to  lead  her  in  the  midst  of  the 
surrounding  darkness.  As  she  gradually  advanced  the  fumes  became  also 
gradually  stronger  and  stronger,  until,  on  reaching  the  second  landing, 
there  is  but  little  doubt  that  her  ladyship  would  have  fainted,  if  she 
had  not  prudently  leant  against  the  wall  for  temporary  support,  during 
which  brief  period  she  only  too  fortunately  succeeded  in  recovering 
her  breath. 

Her  sinking  energies,  so  perfectly  unused  to  the  severe  trial  to 
which  they  were  being  exposed,  reminded  her,  however,  that  there  was  no 
time  to  be  lost ;  so,  darting  forward  again  with  as  much  caution  as  her 
growing  terror  would  allow  her  to  exercise,  she  stood  opposite  the 
door,  from  which  she  felt  confident  the  suffocating  vapour  was  nau- 
seously escaping.  It  was  a  small,  deal-painted  door  on  the  right-hand 
corner  of  the  third  landing  before  you  arrive  at  the  nurseries.  In  less 
time  than  it  takes  us  to  narrate  this  painful  story,  she  had  tinned  the 
brass  handle  of  that  door,  and,  resolving  to  allow  the  culprit  no  time  or 
opportunity  of  escape,  she  rushed  daringly  into  the  middle  of  the  room, 
and  contemplated  with  what  nerve  she  had  left  the  awful  spectacle 
before  her ! 

The  sight  that  met  her  maternal  eyes  almost  made  her  ladyship 
repent  her  impetuous  rashness.  _  There  was  her  youngest  boy— a  lad 
barely  eight  years  of  age— busily  employed  in  bed,  smoking  a  short 
pipe  !  The  young  monster's  head  was  scarcely  visible  on  the  pillow,  so 
closely  was  it  surrounded  by  the  thick  clouds  of  smoke  he  had,  with  an 
energy  worthy  of  a  better  cause,  been  criminally  intent  upon  blowing. 
Her  ladyship  has  since  stated  that  the  effect  of  that  startling  revelation 
upon  her  was  such,  that  she  thought  she  should  have  sunk  through  the 
floor  then  and  there  xcitli  horror  ! 

To  throw  open  the  windows— to  snatch  the  pipe  out  of  the  young- 
culprit's  mouth,  and  to  fling  it  into  the  streets,  heedless  of  the  conse- 
quences, was  only  the  work  of  an  instant ! 

Without  listening  to  her  better  feelings,  her  ladyship  next  proceeded 
to  administer  to  her  offending  offspring  a  most  tremendous  box  on  the 
ears,  that  certainly  had  the  effect  of  awakening  him  to  a  sense  of  his 
degrading  position.  In  this  she  persevered  with  the  best  effect,  until 
the  boy  evaded  all  further  chastisement  by  disappearing  under  the  bed- 
clothes, and,  _  with  an  obstinacy  hardly  credible  in  one  of  his  tender 
years,  persisting  in  remaining  there ! 

A  rigorous  search  was  then  instituted  in  the  room,  and  in  the  various 
drawers  were  found  the  following  articles : — One  packet  of  Bristol  Bird's 
Eye,  6  screws  (contents  unknown),  4  ounces  of  Cavendish,  lib  of  Shag, 
15  Manillas  (one  half-smoked),  2  Meerschaums  (one  as  fresh  as  chalk— 
the  other  of  a  rich  horse-chestnut  colour),  half  a  dozen  Clay  Pipes,  of 
different  lengths,  but  mostly  small,  and  several  handsfull  of  Cigarettes. 
In  a  bandbox  were  found  secreted  inside  an  old  hat,  as  many  as  32 
penny  Cubas. 

The  whole  of  the  above  had  evidently  been  smuggled  into  the 
establishment,  and,  being  contraband  articles,  were  immediately  con- 
fiscated on  the  spot  by  her  ladyship. 

The  confiscation  has  created  a  great  excitement,  in  the  juvenile  circles 
of  Belgravia. 

The  boy,  thus  openly  convicted  of  smuggling,  remains  under  the  cus- 
tody of  a  governess  and  a  nurse.  He  is  under  close  confinement.  All  the 
servants  have  received  strict  orders  to  watch  the  street-door,  as  well  as  to 
keep  an  eye  on  the  area-gate,  in  the  event  of  an  escape  being  attempted. 

The  young  smuggler  was  asked  if  he  had  anything  to  say  for  lnmself, 
and,  after  being  duly  cautioned  that  what  he  did  say  woidd  be  brought 
up-  against  him  at  the  trial,  he  simply  observed,  "  he  didn't  care." 

It  is  feared  that  the  trial  cannot  be  commenced  for  some  time,  as 
Sib  Anthony  Hercules  Debbett  is  at  present  out  of  town.  The 
penalties,  it  is  surmised,  will  be  extremely  severe,  as  there  are  rumours, 
current  amongst  the  prisoner's  companions,  that  Sib  Anthony  has  an 
invincible  dislike  for  tobacco,  is  a  Brutus  in  his  household  in  seeing  that 
no  offender  against  the  domestic  laws  escapes  without  punishment,  and 
moreover  is  a  staunch  advocate  for  the  salutary  effects  of  corporeal 
punishment. 


It  is  with  no  little  pain  we  state  that,  ever  since  the  above  extensive 
seizure  of  Tobacco,  Lady  Debbett  has  not  been  able  to  leave  her 


room. 


We  would  be  sorry  to  prejudge  this,  or  any,  case;  but  we  think  it  is 
high  time  that  a  terrible  example  were  made  to  deter  bttle  babies  of 
boys  from  the  injurious  practice  of  smoking. 


EPISCOPAL  PHOTOGRAPHY. 

Dr.  Thomson,  the  new  Bishop  of  Gloucester,  is  stated  to  be  an 
expert  photographer.  Lord  Shaftesbury  begs  us  to  add  that  his 
last  creation  is  also  an  ecclesiastic  of  the  decided  school,  and  in  fact, 
that  all  his  views  are  Positives. 


AUSTRIAN  JUSTICE. 
Accobding  to  a  letter  from  Vienna  :— 

"  M.  Pbotobeveea  has  requested  the  Emperor  to  relieve  him  definitively  from 
the  functions  of  Minister  of  Justice,  since,  owing  to  the  precarious  state  of  his  eyes, 
he  has  been  advised  by  his  physician  to  desist  from  all  attention  to  business." 

Of  course  the  Emperor  of  Austria  will  accept  M.  Protobeveba's 
resignation  of  the  Ministry  of  Justice,  tendered  on  a  ground  so  insu- 
perable as  that  of  the  precarious  state  of  his  eyes.  What  if  M.  Peo- 
tobeveba  were  to  lose  his  sight  ?  The  eyes  of  Justice,  as  personified 
in  painting  and  sculpture,  are  closed  with  a  bandage,  and  in  every  land 
of  liberty  Justice  is  proverbially  bbnd ;  but  in  other  lands  she  has  to 
look  to  her  scales ;  and  blind  Justice  is  inadmissible  in  Austria. 


Rich  Humbug. 


Thebe  is  always  such  a  fuss  made  about  the  "  reserve"  at  the  Bank. 
We  wonder  how  the  Old  Lady  of  Threadneedle  Street  has  the  face  to 
talk  about  her  "reserve,"  when  she  knows  she  is  perpetually  "making 
advances,"  and  even  takes  the  greatest  possible  interest  in  so  doing. 


quiz  est  homo. 

The  Pope's  Legate  has  addressed  Louis  Napoleon  in  a  Latin 
speech.  The  speech  begins  with  bad  Latin.  But  is  this  a  fault,  or  a 
subtle  epigram  ?  Pius  hates  Louis,  yet  sends  him  a  message  of  friend- 
ship.    Could  it  be  better  expressed  than  in  a  Ealse  Concord  ? 


Pirating  an  Advertisement. — A  certain  Eminent  Tragedian,  of 
the  "vigorous"  school,  adds  a  P.S.  to  his  letters  negotiating  engage- 
ments :     "  N.B.  No  charge  for  Stamping." 


186 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[November  9,  1861. 


MOST    FLATTERING! 

Miss  Stout.   "  You  see,  Dear,  I  thought  your  Swiss  Dbess  so  trettt,  that  I  have  made  one 

EXACTLY   LIKE    IT.       WHY   WE    SHALL   BE   TAKEN   FOR    SlSTERS  !  " 


A  GERMAN  LESSON. 

Their  Majesties,  the  King  and 
Queen  of  Prussia,  on  a  late  aus- 
picious occasion,  gave  a  grand  ball 
in  the  Picture  Gallery  and  White 
Hall  in  the  Royal  Palace.  We 
should  not  deem  it  necessary  to 
transcribe  this  piece  of  not  very 
momentous  intelligence  for  its 
own  sake.  It  is,  however,  coupled 
with  a  statement  to  the  effect,  that 
the  ball  began  at  nine  o'clock, 
according  to  a  custom  which  at 
the  Prussian  Court  is  punctually 
adhered  to.  This  custom  is  one 
which  deserves  to  be  honoured  hi 
the  observance,  instead  of  being, 
as  in  this  country,  generally  disho- 
noured in  the  breach.  Herein  the 
Majesty  of  Prussia  sets  an  example, 
which  if  our  aristocracy  would  imi- 
tate, they  would  confer  a  great  boon 
on  the  middling  classes,  who,  under 
an  inevitable  necessity  of  aping 
their  superiors,  are  obliged  to  give 
evening  parties  which  commence 
at  unseasonable  hours,  and  are  not 
over  until  three  and  four  o'clock  in 
the  morning  ;  whereas  a  consider- 
able portion  of  the  guests  have  to 
be  at  their  business  by  ten.  Thus, 
instead  of  combining  business  with 
pleasure,  they  combine  business 
with  pain — headache,  drowsiness, 
and  lassitude — to  the  detriment  of 
their  affairs,  whilst  the  same  habits 
of  dissipation  which  impair  their 
intellectual  faculties,  ruin  the 
complexions  of  their  wives  and 
daughters. 


Album  Persecutors.  —  Mar- 
tin Farquhar  Congreve  Roche- 
foucauld Archibald  Tupper 
complains  bitterly  that  the  ladies 
are  always  pestering  him  for  his 
"  Authorgraph !  " 


AN  APPEAL  TO  THE  NORTH. 

Jonathan,  my  ciphering  friend, 

If  your  war  its  course  must  run, 
Till  it  reach  a  distant  end, 

What  will  that  be,  when  all 's  done  ? 
At  the  best,  Confederation 

If  you  finally  subdue, 
Is  the  South,  a  conquered  nation, 

To  be  held  and  ruled  by  you  ? 

Poles  the  Czar  has  got  to  ride, 

Restiff  Poles,  and  hard  of  mouth, 
You'd  be  troubled  with  a  wide 

Poland,  in  the  vanquished  South, 
Fran cis- Joseph  holds  Venetia, 

Daily  waiting  to  rebel. 
You,  to  keep  down  all  "  Secessia," 

Hardly  will  contrive  as  well. 

Think  what  you  are  fighting  for. 

Morrill  Traffic  to  maintain  ? 
That  the  object  of  your  war  ? 

If  you  get  it,  will  you  gain  ? 
What  you'll  lose,  though  victory  winning 

In  the  case  of  peace  delayed, 
Will  be  that,  whose  end's  beginum?, 

All  the  Southern  Cotton  Trade. 

If  your  lot  should  be  defeat, 

Which  is  no  unlikely  fate, 
Then,  the  sooner  you  are  beat, 

All  the  better  ;  conquered  late, 


For  expense  of  troops  and  shipping, 
All  that  you  can  look  to  get, 

Will  be  an  eventual  whipping, 
Aud  an  everlasting  debt. 


CRIMINAL  CRYSTALLISATION. 

Mr.  Punch  is  very  glad,  of  course,  that  a  Dublin  jury  convicted  the 
rascal  cab-man  Curran  for  the  assault  on  Miss  Jolly,  and  also  that 
Justice  O'Brien  gave  him  as  heavy  a  sentence  as  the  law  allows.  But 
Mr.  Punch  would  like  to  ask  the  Morning  Neios,  a  Dublin  newspaper 
whence  the  following  paragraph  is  taken,  what  was  the  exact  character 
of  the  change  wrought  in  the  prisoner  when  his  punishment  was  an- 
nounced P     The  ISews  says  : — 

"  The  prisoner  during  the  passing  of  the  sentence  never  moved  a  muscle,  but  as 
soon  as  the  learned  Judge  announced  the  term  of  imprisonment,  his  face  blanched, 
and  he  seemed  to  be  rather  hardened-stricken  by  the  punishment  awarded." 

The  phenomenon  would  seem  to  be  a  new  one.  _  We  have  heard  of 
folks  being  struck  all  of  a  heap,  and  we  can  poetically  conceive  that 
when  a  Judge  comes  heavily  down  on  a  prisoner,  he  is  reduced  to  a 
jelly,  and  the  sentence  in  the  Curran-Jolly  case  might  have  made  the 
man  Currant-Jelly.  But  how  he  became  rather  hardened-stricken  we 
cannot  quite  comprehend.  He  never  moved  a  muscle,  though  the 
Judge  told  him  that  in  other  days  he  would  have  had  a  hoister ;  and 
altogether  he  seems  to  be  a  queer  kind  of  scoundrel,  and  very  well  out  of 
the  way  for  a  couple  of  years.  When  the  News  has  nothing  else  to  do, 
perhaps  it  will  explain  the  hardened-stricken  business,  and  we  solemnly 
promise  not  to  open  the  paper  containing  the  explanation. 


The  Metamorphosis  of  Crinoline. — Hoops,  when  worn  by  ladies, 
have  the  effect  of  turning  them  into  butts. 


o 

H 

w 

w 
f 

t-1 
o 


fed 
d 

O 

d 

fed 

td 

fed 

i— i 

Q 

1-4 

O 

fed 
d 

o    rT3 

fed  • 


tel    M 


a 


a 

fed 
d 


*  O 

H 

*  t=J 

o 

td    • 

o 


H 

O 

d 

o 

td 

I — I 

o 
tr1 


Q 


a 

td 

GO 


d 

o 
„W 

o 

fed 


o 

0 
o 
tz! 

Q 

w 

> 

fed 
i— i 

<l 

fed 


oo 

CI 


November  9,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON"  CHARIVARI. 


189 


THE    PRINCES    IN    THE    TEMPLE. 

Thursday  Evening,  'SYst  October,  1861.  The  Ceremonial  of  Converting 
H.  R.  H.  the  Prince  of  Wales  into  a  Barrister  and  Bencher, 
and  of  inaugurating  Mr.  Abraham's  New  Library,  has  been  per- 
formed, the  Church  has  been  admired,  and  the  Dejeuner  has  been 
eaten.  The  Prince  of  Wales,  with  the  slightest  yawn,  looks  at 
Prince  Punch,  and  the  two  Princes  emerge  from  the  Middle  Temple 
Hall,  and  proceed  towards  the  Fountain,  which  is  sparkling  in  the 
coloured  electric  light. 

Policeman  {henceforth  immortal),  This  Garden  is  open  to  ladies  only, 
gentlemen. 

[At  this  moment  the  blue  ribbon  of  one  Prince  and  the  red  nose  of  the 
other  flash  upon  the  eyes  of  the  speaker,  and  he  faints  into  the 
arms  o/'Mr.  Anderson,  Q.  C,  the  excellent  Master  Treasurer. 
The  Princes  enter  the  Fountain  Garden,  and  all  the  world  keeps 
its  distance. 

P.  W.  Well,  how  did  yon  like  my  speech  ? 

P.  P.  Capital,  and  I  couldn't  have  spoken  it  better  myself.  The 
Governor's  composition,  I  suppose  ? 

P.  W.  With  my  assistance. 

P.  P.  Ambulator  !  But  it  did  credit  to  the  writer  and  the  speaker, 
and  have  you  got  a  cigar  ? 

P.  W.  Rather  !  I  brought  these  over  myself ;  but  you  know  them— 
they  are  the  same  I  sent  you,  old  fellow. 

[They  fire  up,  and  the  electric  light  is  no  longer  an  object  of  interest 
to  the  spectators. 

P.  P.  And  now,  my  dear  Edward,  you  are  a  barrister ;  and  tell  me, 
my  dear  Edward,  do  you  mean  to  practise  ?  Because  if  so,  consider 
yourself  generally  and  specially  retained  for  me. 

P.  W.  And  I  suppose,  when  I  call  in  Pleet  Street,  you  '11  give  me  a 
"  refresher  ?  " 

P.  P.  Good !  1  see  you  need  not  have  said  that  you  were  imper- 
fectly acquainted  with  the  noble  science  pursued  here. 

P.  W.  I  '11  tell  you  one  thing — these  fellows  are  a  great  improvement 
upon  the  sort  of  folks  that  one  generally  has  about  one  on  occasions 
of  this  kind.  Brougham,  Westbury,  the  Bishop,  Cresswell, 
Cockburn,  Pollock,  and  so  on — powerful  cast,  as  you  theatrical 
parties  say. 

P.  P.  Yes,  Sir. 

P.  W.  Don't !    I'm  always  being  told  not  to  do  that  at  Windsor, 
for  fear  it  should  come  out  when  somebody  's  there.  _ 
%  \P.  P.  But  when  the  Americans  come,  isn't  it  etiquette  at  Court  to 
speak  to  guests  in  then  own  language  ? 

P.  W.  I  made  that  suggestion,  but  it  was  pronounced  futile ;  so  I 
keep  the  twang  to  make  the  ladies  laugh  when  they  shouldn't.  By  the 
way,  Beatrice  is  making  you  no  end  of  a  pen- wiper  for  your  birthday ; 
and  I  wasn't  to  tell  you,  but  of  course  I  do,  that  you  may  have  time  to 
prepare  an  impromptu  acknowledgment. 

P.  P.  Est-il  bon,  ce  cher  Edouard  ? 

P.  W.  I  wonder  what  they  think  we  're  talking  about  ? 

P.  P.  Oh,  elegant.  Of  course  I  am  saying  to  you  that  I  am  sure  an 
occasion  like  that  which  has  brought  you  hither  to-day  must  be  fraught 
with  the  most  interesting  associations — historical,  social,  and  prospec- 
tive ;  and  that  from  an  educated  and  highly  cultivated  mind,  like  your 
own,  the  impressions  which  have  been  produced  will  germinate — that 's 
a  good  word,  germinate — 

P.  W.  Impressions  can't  germinate. 

P.  P.  You  know  a  good  deal,  my  dear  Edward,  but  you  don't  know 
that  words  can  do  anything  in  the  hands  of  people  who  don't  under- 
stand 'em. 

P.  W.  Then  I  suppose  I  am  replying  in  a  becoming  manner,  that 
you  are  quite  right,  my  dear  Punch ;  and  that  beneath  the  festivities 
and  hospitalities  of  this  noble  inn  there  rests  a  deep  significance,  which 
elevates  the  mere  splendour  of  my  reception  into  an  illustration  of  the 

vitality  of  the  mighty  nation  which bother  these  weeds !    They  are 

excellent,  but  the  ash  don't  hold— and  there  it  goes  all  over  one's 
ribbon. 

P.  P.  I  will  bring  you  some  to-morrow  which  Jeff.  Davis  has  sent 
me,  with  a  polite  request  that  I  will  recognise  Slaveownia,  and  get 
Pam  to  break  the  blockade. 

P.  W.  Win  you,  that 's  a  brick. 

P.  P.  Break  the  blockade  ? 

P.  W.  {laughing)  No,  no,  but  bring  the  cigars.' 

P.  P.  Will  a  duck  swim  ?  Besides,  I  want  to  see  your  papa.  I 
wish  to  impress  upon  him  that  the  Brompton  Boad  approach  must  be 
improved  before  the  Show ;  and  if  he  will  take  it  up,  I  don't  mean  the 
road,  but  the  plan,  I  think  he  and  I  might  get  it  done. 
_  P.  W.  Come  and  dine  to-morrow.  There's  the  Star  of  India  installa- 
tion in  the  afternoon,  and  Lord  Clyde  would  take  it  as  a  compliment. 
How  well  he  looks— I  was  very  glad  they  cheered  him  like  that.  Say 
you  '11  come,  and  I  '11  tell  them. 

P.  P.  Don't  let  there  be  any  extra  trouble  on  my  account. 


P.  W.  Don't  you  be  an  old  humbug.  Well,  I  suppose  I  should  go 
in  again  now,  and  thank  the  big-wigs  for  then  kindness. 

P.  P.  Thank  'em  for  nothing.  I  have  lived  among  'em  a  good  deal, 
and  I  biow  how  precious  glad  they  are  of  a  good  excuse  for  doing  an 
out-and-out  dinner  like  this.  It  was  up  to  the  mark,  though,  wasn't 
it? 

P.  W.  fou're  an  old  epicure,  that's  what  you  are,  and  now  you 
know  all  about  it.  Come  in,  one  must  be  polite.  To-morrow,  at  three, 
sharp. 

P.  P.   Come  on,  my  learned  friend. 

[The  Princes  throw  away  their  cigars,  and  are  again  all  smiles,  bows, 
and  elegant  speeches. 


CIVIL  SERVICE  NEWS. 


Mr.  Eutropius  M.  Jones  has  decided  upon  abandoning  the  use  of 
paper  collars,  and  upon  reverting  to  linen  all-rounders.  Mr.  Ernest 
Bloke  is  slowly  recovering  the  use  of  his  gloves,  his  resignation  of 
volunteer  duty,  and  his  approaching  marriage  much  conducing  to  this 
relapse  into  tidiness.  Mr.  Issachar  Potts  has  settled  accounts  with 
his  laundress,  by  going  out  of  town.  Mr.  Werner  Wombat  has  aban- 
doned his  short  pipe,  in  accordance  with  the  representations  of  his 
wife  that  he  looks  like  a  cad  with  it.  Mr.  Samuel  Elipper  has  ex- 
plained to  his  family  that  he  wrote  to  them  regularly,  but  that  all  his 
letters  were  stolen  by  the  convicted  postman  Pullen,  so  all  is  forgiven. 
Mr.  Sweet  SMYLERhas  gone  into  training  under  Professor  A.  Reed, 
and  makes  no  secret  of  his  belief  that  there  are  as  good  men  in  Eng- 
land as  Mace.  Mr.  Barnabas  Blyth  is  open  to  an  offer  from  any  of 
the  young  ladies  at  Bullion  Villa,  but  will  not  give  up  the  bull-terrier. 
Mr.  Salomon  P.  Wigg  has  lost  the  stopping  out  of  his  wise  tooth, 
and  will  be  on  the  invalid  list  until  it  is  replaced.  Mr.  Ebenezer 
Perks  has  definitely  cut  off  his  moustaches,  as  it  is  quite  clear  to  his 
aunt  that  they  will  not  come.  Mr.  Namby  Blandy  Bandy  has  bought 
himself  a  pair  of  stunning  leggings  for  the  muddy  months.  Mr. 
Stickling  Glewpott  has  bought  himself  a  season-ticket  for  the  Para- 
dise Gardens,  Battersea.  Mr.  Minus  A.  Rapp,  from  circumstances 
over  which  he  has  no  control,  will  abstain  from  wearing  a  watch  any 
longer.  Mr.  Owley  Howley  has  had  his  second  best  trousers  re- 
seated, and  Mr.  Madagascar  Brown  has  finally  placed  his  black  eye 
hi  the  hands  of  his  medical  attendant. — Civil  Service  Gazette. 


A  NEW  STAND-POINT  OF  GEOGRAPHY. 

At  the  monthly  meeting  of  the  Town  Council  of  Margate,  we  find 
reported  in  the  Thanet  Advertiser  (a  wonderful  newspaper— price  only 
three-halfpence)  that — 

"  Mr.  Caveler  moved  that  a  deputation  should  be  appointed  to  wait  on  Sir 
George  Grey  to  represent  to  him  in  full  how  Margate  stood." 

They  had  better  also  take  with  them  a  bag  of  boiled  shrimps,  as  a 
specimen  of  its  produce.  However,  they  may  as  well  spare  themselves 
the  trouble  and  expense  of  the  journey,  for  we  should  say  it  was  highly 
probable  that  Sir  George  Grey,  by  this  time,  did  know  where  Mar- 
gate stood.  If  he  has  any  doubts,  we  refer  him  to  the  reports  of  the 
Town  Council,  and  he  will  there  be  able  to  see  that  Margate  stands  a 
great  deal  of  nonsense. 


A  NEW  COMPLAINT. 


A  Novel  complaint  has  been  brought  before  the  notice  of  a  Police 
Magistrate.  It  is  known  by  the  name— and  we  are  indebted  to  Mr. 
Humphreys  for  the  information— of  "  kleptomania."  Its  symptoms 
are  described  as  consisting  "in  a  strange  and  inexplicable  desire  to  take 
what  does  not  belong  to  you."  We  fancy  we  have  heard  the  same  thing 
before  called  "  thieving,"  but  there  is  a  great  difference  between  the 
two  offences.  A  low,  vulgar  person  is  a  "  thief;  "  a  person  in  genteel 
circumstances  is  a  "kleptomaniac."  The  first  takes  "  vot  isn't  his'n  " 
for  the  purpose  of  helping  himself ;  the  second  commits  the  like  offence, 
it  is  true,  but  then  it  is  because  the  poor  creature  cannot  help  himself. 
It  is  malgre  lui.  The  fingers  move  convulsively,  as  though  they  were 
seized  with  an  immoral  itch  to;  seize  hold  of  the  property  of  others. 
You  must  no  more  blame  him  than  you  would  a  patient,  who  was 
labouring  under  the  effects  of  St.  Vitus'  dance,  for  he  is  not  responsible 
for  his  movements.  Such  an  unhappy  sufferer  deserves  pity  rather 
than  censure ;  he  should  be  nursed  and  petted,  and  not  be  condemned, 
or  put  to  any  harsh  punishment.  He  should  be  carried  away  in  a 
doctor's  carriage,  and  not  in  the  prison  van.  It  is  sad  to  think  how 
many  persons  in  the  olden  time  were  hung  for  steakng,  whilst  they  were 
merely  labouring  under  a  temporary  attack  of  "  kleptomania  "  !  It  is 
a  question,  indeed,  whether  all  our  thieves'  prisons  ought  not  to  be 
changed  into  "hospitals  for  the  reception  ot  kleptomaniacs. "  We 
wonder  what  Vidocq  the  great  thief-taker  would  have  said  to  this  new 


190 


PI  1  IVOR.   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[November  9,  1861. 


fashionable  complaint  ?  How  would  lie  like  to  have  been  called  a  kleptomaniac- 
catcher  ?  Russia,  Prussia,  and  Austria  did  not  steal  Poland.  That  nation  was 
divided  by  those  powers  whilst  they  were  labouring  under  a  violent  convulsion 
of  "  kleptomania,"  which  fully  accounts  for  their  "  strange  and  inexplicable  desire 
to  take  what  did  not  belong  to  them."  The  same  thing  with  Nice  and  Savoy. 
Louis  Napoleon  is  only  a  poor  pitiable  kleptomaniac;  and  as  much  might 
consistently  be  said  of  Jack  Sheppard,  or  any  other  historical  appropriates:  of 
the  property  of  others.  All  allusions  to  thieving  and  stealing  must,  henceforth,  be 
adapted,  so  as  to  meet  the  exigencies  of  this  new  mental  infirmity. 


A    DISTRESSING  CASE  OF    "KLEPTOMANIA." 

The  unfortunate  sufferer  was  promptly  attended  by  Doctors  X  1  and  Z  2,  and  removed 
at  once  to  the  Hospital,  and  steps  arc  now  being  taken  for  his  recovery. 


THE  CATCHPENNY  PRESS. 

Good  Wine  needs  no  bush,  nor  any  kind  of  poster  ;  still 
less  does  it,  in  order  to  sell,  require  fellows  to  go  about  the 
street,  and  shout  "  Yah-hah ! "  meaning  cheap  claret  and 
champagne.  What  is  true  of  wine  is  also  true  of  the  press, 
that  is  to  say,  the  newspaper  press,  even  the  penny  por- 
tion of  it ;  for  that,  though  selling  dirt-cheap,  is  not  all  of 
it  mere  rubbish,  which  is  expensive  at  a  penny,  and  would 
not  be  cheap  at  any  price.  The  respectable  penny  papers 
command  a  sale  simply  by  the  reputation  they  have  ac- 
quired, and  the  legitimate  help  of  bill-boards  of  their  con- 
tents, exhibited  at  the  doors  of  the  news-shops.  Their 
despicable  contemporaries,  however,  offered  at  the  same 
price  and  worth  less  than  nothing,  except  for  their  material, 
which,  too  thin  to  be  of  much  use,  is  simply  spofled  by  the 
print  and  woodcuts  impressed  upon  it,  can  only  be  forced 
into  a  small  circulation,  amongst  the  lowest  readers,  by 
being  hawked  about  the  streets  like  dogs'  meat.  The  noise 
made  by  itinerant  newsmongers  in  crying  "  Yah-hah !  " 
and  uttering  similar  yells  indicative  of  their  several  com- 
modities make  morning  noon  and  night  hideous,  and  Sun- 
day morning  especially  intolerable,  in  what  used  to  be  the 
quiet  streets  and  squares  of  London.  The  shouts  and 
shrieks  that  proclaim  "Sprats!"  and  "Mackerel!"  may 
be  regarded  as  necessary  nuisances.  Mackerel  and  sprats 
are  esculent,  and  spod  by  keeping.  There  can  be  no  ne- 
cessity, however,  for  crying  food  for  the  mind  which  is 
good  to  eat,  still  less  can  there  be  any  for  splitting  the  ears 
of  householders  by  crying  what  is  utterly  bad,  namely, 
penny  papers  of  the  baser  sort,  albeit  on  the  plea,  which 
certainly  cannot  be  denied,  that,  Hke  sprats  and  mackerel, 
they  are  perishable  commodities. 


A  GRAND   DRESS  REHEARSAL. 

It  is  a  pretty  dress  rehearsal,  when  a  young  lady  takes 
a  visitor  up  to  her  bed-room,  and  begins  showing  her  all 
the  beautiful  new  dresses  she  has  lately  been  buying.  She 
should  try  them  all  on,  one  after  the  other,  before  the  look- 
ing-glass, and  press  her  dear  friend,  in  the  most  persuasive 
manner,  to  give  her  opinion  upon  each.  The  performance 
is  all  the  more  effective,  when  the  visitor  happens  to  be  in 
an  inferior  position  of  society,  so  that  the  pieces,  which  are 
brought  forward  for  her  flattering  notice'  are  so  nicely 
arranged  as  to  be  above  the  reach  of  her  pocket.  How- 
ever, the  best  time  without  comparison  for  a  Grand  Dress 
Rehearsal  is  when  a  young  lady  is  going  to  a  Queen's 
Drawing  Room.  Too  many  young  friends  cannot  be 
invited  to  witness  the  eclat  of  so  delightful  a  performance, 
taking  care  of  course  to  avoid  any  inconvenience  from 
overcrowding,  and  even  upon  so  rare  an  occasion  ser- 
vants have  been  known  to  be  kindly  admitted  to  witness 
the  grand  finale. 


OUR  SUPERIORS  IN  EVERYTHING. 

The  growing  popularity  of  the  new  teaspoon  bonnet  among  our 
countrymen,  supervening  on  that  of  crinoline,  is  additional  homage  to 
the  exquisite'  taste  of  France.  The  French  certainly  do  excel  us  in 
everything.  We  are  never  tired  of  seeing  this  unquestionable  truth 
tacitly  conceded,  or  of  hearing  it  loudly  proclaimed.  In  every  respect 
we  are  inferior  to  the  French,  and  so  are  all  the  other  nations  of  Europe. 
Not  only  does  France  surpass  England  in  street  architecture,  statuettes, 
fancy  furniture,  military  organisation,  millinery,  cookery,  and  dancing. 
The  French  are  our  superiors  in  all  the  higher  lines  of  thought, 
science,  and  philosophy.  We  have  no  great  dramatist  and  universal 
genius,  nor  grand  epic  poet,  to  compare  with  their  least  eminent 
authors,  no  archphilosopher,  no  famous  astronomer,  no  chemical  inves- 
tigator, no  anatomical  and  physiological  discoverer,  no  mechanician, 
that  deserves  to  be  named  in  the  same  breath  with  certain  Frenchmen 
of  the  same  description.  It  was  a  Frenchman  that  prescribed  the 
laws  _  of  scientific  inquiry,  another  that  disclosed  the  principle  of  gra- 
vitation, another  that  demonstrated  the  circulation  of  the  blood, 
another  that  invented  the  steam-engine,  another  that  discovered  the 
metallic  bases  of  the  alkalis.  We  owe  locomotives  and  railways  to 
France.    The  whole  railway  system  is,  in  fact,  a  French  idea. 

As  to  music,  painting,  sculpture,  and  all  the  higher  departments  of 
art,  not  only  do  the  French  beat  us  all  to  nothing,  but  they  also  beat 
the  Italians  and  Germans,  to  whose  sublimest  poetical  geniuses,  and 
profoundest  writers,  moreover,  a  great  many  of  their  own  are  immea- 
surably superior. 

To  say  that  the  Army  and  Navy  of  France  are,  the  latter  as  well  as 


the  former,  incomparably  greater,  better  disciplined,  and  more  efficient, 
than  our  land  and  sea  forces,  is  to  concede  far  less  than  the  truth. 
Their  excellence  is  not  only'absolute,  but  relative,  they  are  stronger  and 
better  than  ours  in  proportion  to  their  size ;  one  Frenchman  is  a  match 
for  three  Englishmen ;  and  our  conflicts  with  the  French,  both  in  the 
field  and  on  the  ocean,  have  been,  on  our  part,  an  almost  uniform  series 
of  reverses.  We  never  were  the  victors  in  anything  like  a  fair  and 
equal  fight. 

Finally,  it  has  been  reserved  for  the  French  to  do  what  we  have  never 
yet  been  able  to  accomplish ;  to  "  teach  the  nations  how  to  live  "  under 
a  constitutional  government,  and  to  enjoy  personal  liberty,  and  the 
freedom  of  the  press  and  of  speech,  compatibly  with  order. 

The  foregoing  acknowledgments  are  due  to  a  glorious  but  modest 
nation,  and  will,  it  is  hoped,  afford  those  ignorant  Britons  who  would 
hke  to  know  in  what  particulars  the  French  so  vastly  excel  us  as  they 
are  alleged  to  do,  the  desired  information. 


One  of  the  Worst  Aspects  of  the  American  War. 

Since  the  great  scarcity  of  Cotton,  the  Parisian  milliners  have  been 
charging  fifty,  and  seventy,  and  as  much  as  eighty-two  per  cent,  extra 
for  padding.  If  the  scarcity  should  still  continue,  it  will  be  frightful  to 
contemplate  upon  the  thousands  and  thousands  of  French  beauties  that 
will  be  pinched  by  the  want  of  it  during  the  coming  winter.    , 

LAST  LINE  FROM  THE  FRENCH  KORAN.- 

There  is  but  one  Napoleon,  and  the  Moniteur  is  his  propnet. 


November  9,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


191 


A    NOBLE    DONKEY. 

beat  interest  was  excited, 
according  to  the  Turin  Cor- 
respondent of  the  Times,  in 
his  description  of  the  Cattle 
Show  that  was  attached  to 
the  Exhibition  at  Florence, 
by  an  ass.    He  says : — 

"  I  stood  long  gazing  on  a  stall 
on  which  were  written  the  words 
'  Asino,  puro  sangue.'  Off,  gentle- 
men, with  your  hats  to  this 
illustrious  scion  of  an  asinine 
aristocracy." 

We  have  but  little  doubt 
that  this  noble  Donkey  com- 
manded the  greatest  admira- 
tion on  account  of  his 
illustrious  descent.  Of 
course,  he  got  the  prize  •  or 
at  least,  he  was  rewarded, 
let  us  hope,  with  the  Order 
of  the  Thistle  ?  Crowds  were 
unquestionably  bending  the 
knee  in  slavish  homage  to 
tins  pur  sang  animal,  who 
had  probably  come  down  in 
a  straight  line  from  the  Ark. 
We  have  seen  the  like  adoration  paid  in  this  country  to  donkeys,  whose 
only  recommendation  was  their  pure  blood  and  their  long  descent- 
donkeys,  who  prided  themselves  on  the  fact  of  their  years  stretching 
further  back  than  any  other  donkey's. 


PENNY  EDITING. 


The  excellent  rule,  "hear  both  sides,"  has  not  hitherto  been  thought 
to  extend  to  both  sides  of  one  newspaper.  It  is  usually  supposed  that 
there  is  some  sort  of  unanimity  among  the  contributors  to  a  journal. 
But  it  was  reserved  for  our  respected  contemporary  the  Morning 
Star  and  Dial  to  illustrate  the  principles  of  Freedom  in  all  their  purity. 
In  that  free-trade  paper  no  haughty  editor  has  a  veto,  no  smart  leader- 
writer  a  pre-eminence,  but  the  humble  penny-a-liner  is  allowed  to  con- 
tradict, point  blank,  the  utterances  of  his  supposed  chiefs.  In  the  Star 
of  Friday  the  1st  November,  there  is  an  article  on  the  Prince  op 
Wales  in  4he  Temple,  and  there  is  also  a  vivid  account  of  the  cere- 
monials. These  compositions  face  each  other  in  the  opening  of  the 
Star— they  shall,  in  part,  do  so  here,  in  testimony  of  Mr.  Punch's  ad- 
miration of  the  true  theory  of  Editing. 


article. 

"  Of  course  it  is  incompatible  with  the 
dignity  of  grown  men  and  women  to 
amuse  themselves  with  wooden  horses 
and  gaily-decked  dolls.  But  as  the  long- 
ing which  beset  them  in  infancy  still 
remains  to  be  gratified,  they  take  one  of 
their  fellow-creatures,  and  go  through 
with  him  the  merry  antics  which  they 
were  accustomed  to  perform  with  their 
childish  toys.  This  prevailing  tendency 
received  yesterday  a  striking  illustra- 
tion. The  scene  was  the  Middle  Temple, 
a  fane  dedicated  to  the  worship,  if  not 
precisely  of  justice,  at  any  rate  of  law — 
within  whose  walls  the  seats  of  highest 
dignity  are  only  to  be  attained  by  com- 
mon folks  through  years  of  anxious 
struggle  and  midnight  toil.  *  *  *  * 
We  have  too  high  an  opinion  of  the  men- 
tal faculties  of  His  Royal  Highness  the 
Prince  of  Wales  to  believe  that  he  was 
not  fully  conscious  of  the  irrationality  of 
the  ceremony  which  made  him  a  barris- 
ter without  study,  and  a  bencher  with- 
out either  merit  or  experience,  *  *  * 
And  the  members  of  the  Middle  Temple 
sported  to  their  heart's  content  with 
their  pretty  toy,  and  played  out  to  the 
end  a  merry  game  which  must  have  been 
a  most  acceptable  relief  from  their  serious 
avocations." 


REPORT. 

"  The  day  was  altogether  a  memorable 
one  in  the  history  of  the  Temple.  The 
admission  of  royalty  among  its  members ; 
the  auspicious  opening  of  its  new  library 
by  one  who  will  at  some  future,  and  it  is 
to  be  hoped  far  distant,  period  be  king  of 
these  realms ;  the  crowd  of  beauty  and 
nobility  of  blood  and  intellect  which  was 
gathered  together  to  take  part  in  the 
ceremony, — all  will  leave  an  impress 
upon  the  annals  of  the  Society,  which 
ages  will  not  obliterate.  In  speaking  of 
the  event  after  it  is  over,  it  is  difficult  to 
decide  which  was  of  the  most  interest 
and  importance,  the  opening  of  the 
library,  or  the  investiture  of  the  Prince 
of  Wales  with  the  privileges  and  dig- 
nities of  a  bencher  of  the  Temple.  It  is 
one  of  the  most  encouraging  signs  of  the 
times  that  a  member  of  our  reigning 
Royal  Family  should  be  found  coming 
forward  to  receive,  not  the  honours  which 
are  given  to  warriors,  but  those  more 
homely,  and  it  may  be,  more  dignified 
honours  which  attach  to  a  profession  that 
has  done  much  to  maintain  the  liberties 
of  the  people  and  their  sovereign  rights. " 


The  Secret  of  the  American  Blockade. 

Pride— stiff,  senseless,  unbending,  intolerable,  ruinous  Pride— is  at 
the  bottom  of  it.  They'll  not  cotton  to  one  another— and  they'll  see 
each  other  jolly  well  beggared  first,  before  they  '11  allow  either  the  one 
or  the  other  to  cotton  to  anybody  else  ! 


A  Likeness  Taker.— A  Prize-fighter. 


STAGGERERS  PROM  THE  STAGE. 

These  theatrical  advertisements  grow  more  and  more  perplexing  to 
us.  Every  week  we  see  announcements  of  actors  being  wanted  "  to 
open"  at  a  stated  time,  as  though  they  were  like  oysters,  and  never 
a  week  passes  without  somebody  or  other  wanting  some  one  else  or 
other  to  "  combine  utility  with  the  leading  business,"  which  really 
seems  like  asking  him  to  undertake  the  duties  of  a  blindman's  dog. 

As  a  sample  of  these  puzzles,  only  look  at  this  :— 

YORK  CIRCUIT. 

WANTED,  to  join  immediately,  a  FIRST  WALKING  GENTLEMAN, 
to  Play  also  portion  of  the  Light  Comedy  and  Juveniles.  Also,  a  GENTLE- 
MAN for  responsible  business.  HARLEQUIN  and  COLUMBINE  wanted  for 
Christmas  Pantomime. 

"York  Circuit "  !  So  an  actor  goes  on  circuit  like  a  barrister.  Well, 
they  have  also  this  in  common,  namely,  that  they  both  wear  wigs.  But 
why  are  "  walking"  gentlemen  so  often  in  request  ?  We  never  heard 
of  walking  matches  done  upon  the  stage,  and  where  can  be  the  need 
then  of  engaging  walking  people  ?  Again,  too,  will  this  walking  gen- 
tleman have  to  wear  a  pinafore,  when  he  plays  a  juvenile  ?  It  is  mys- 
teriously said  that  he  will  have  to  play  a  '  portion  of  light  comedy  and 
juveniles,"  but  how  he  can  enact  a  portion  of  a  juvenile  it  passes  our 
conception  even  distantly  to  guess.  Moreover  if  the  juveniles  are,  like 
the  comedy,  to  be  light  (and  there  is  nothing  in  the  sentence  which 
forbids  this  supposition),  the  walking  gentleman  will  have  to  put  him- 
self in  training,  to  decrease  his  ponderosity  to  the  weight  of  a  light 
juvenile,  whatever  that  may  be. 

As  a  contrast  to  this  levity,  we  find  in  the  same  column  of  dramatic 
wants  the  following  :— 

THEATRE  ROYAL,  PRESTON. 

WANTED,  immediately,  a  good  HEAVY  MAN;  one  that  understands 
Melodramatic  Pieces.     Also,  a  good  OLD  MAN. 

We  wonder  how  much  does  the  management  require  this  "  heavy 
man"  to  weigh.  Would  sixteen  stone  suffice,  or  must  he  not  be  under 
twenty  ?  And  what  age  must  the  "  old  man"  have  attained  to  be  held 
eligible  ?  We  presume  that  on  emergency  seventy  would  do,  though 
doubtless  a  fit  preference  would  be  ceded  to  a  hundred.  But  then  what 
testimonials  must  he  furnish  of  his  goodness  ?  Of  course  nobody  would 
wish  to  hire  a  bad  old  man,  but  different  minds  put  vastly  different 
values  on  morality,  and  what  is  vice  in  one  man's  eye  is  almost  virtue 
in  another. 

We  really  think  more  details  should  be  furnished  on  these  points,  if 
only  to  prevent  unnecessary  writing  :  for  the  man  who  is  the  cause  of 
a  man's  writing  needless  letters  is  a  monster  who  deserves  to  be  nearly 
drowned  in  ink,  after  being  stabbed  almost  to  death  with  magnum- 
bonums. 


There  is  a  Revolution  Always  of  Some  Kind  in  Paris. 

Paris  is  still  essentially  the  City  of  Barricades.  There  is  only  this 
small  difference :  formerly  the  bariicades  were  erected  by  men  with  the 
help  of  stones ;  nowadays  they  are  erected  by  women  in  the  shape  of 
Crinolines.  The  Emperor  has  succeeded  in  putting  down  the  former 
by  calling  in  the  aid  of  MAdam.  Is  there  no  MTSve,  whose  crushing 
assistance  he  could  invoke,  to  enable  him  to  put  clown  the  latter? 
Perhaps  there  never  was  any  revolution  hi  the  Fashions  that  was 
carried  by  means  of  so  many  barricades  as  that  of  the  Crinoline — and 
the  worst  is,  that  though  the  revolution  has  been  successfully  accom- 
plished, the  barricades  still  continue,  in  all  then-  force,  and  are  felt  to 
oe  dreadfully  in  the  way  of  progress,  as  there  are  few  persons,  whose 
temper,  or  dress,  is  not  materially  ruffled  in  the  awkward  attempts  they 
make  to  get  over  them. 


Gladstone's  Advice,  and  Punch's. 

The  way  for  a  sensible  man  to  behave, 

Aware  of  the  savings'  bank  plan, 
Is  to  take  to  the  post-shop  the  fewest  of  letters, 

And  utmost  of  shillings  he  can. 

W.  E.  Gladstone. 

THE   ST.   STEPHEN  OF  LITERATURE. 

So  many  stones  and  pebbles  have  been  thrown  at  M.  du  Chaillu,  on 
account  of  the  trustworthiness  of  his  book,  that  we  think  he  cannot  do 
better,  to  express  the  treatment  he  has  received  from  the  hands  of  his 
enemies,  than  change  his  name  to  M.  DU  Caillou. 


THE  ROYAL  GAME  OF  BRAG. 


A  Cockney  classic  says  that  the  King  of  Prussia,  when  he  bragged 
at  his  Coronation  about  the  Divine  Bight,  was  evidently  filled  with  the 
divinus  inflatus. 


192 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[November  9,  1861. 


PRACTICE    MAKES    PERFECT. 

Our  Volunteers  in  Devon  are  not  likely  to  continue  carpet-knights,  as  the  annexed  extract  from  their  published  regulations  will  show. 


"Every  Volunteer  must 'provide  for  his  own  personal  comfort,  subject  to  the 
conditions  already  specified  as  to  bag-gage,  and  to  such  other  Regulations  as  maybe 
laid  down  for  the  good  order  of  the  camp.  But  the  attention  of  Volunteers  is 
directed  to  the  following  points  : — a.  A  complete  change  of  woollen  clothing,  in- 
cluding two  flannel  shirts,  woollen  drawers,  and  socks,  and  a  woollen  cap.  b.  Two 
blankets,  no  sheets,  e.  A  camp  bedstead,  or  a  bedtick,  sacking,  canvass  bag,  or 
wrapper  to  be  stuffed  with  straw.  The  straw  will  be  supplied  gratis  at  the  camp. 
d.  Towel  and  soap.  e.  Needles  and  thread,  strong  pins,  a  piece  of  cord  or  a  strap, 
f.  A  plate,  mug,  knife,  fork,  and  spoon. 


"  In  addition  to  the  above  articles  for  each  individual,  there  should  be  for  each 
tent  or  mess  : — p.  A  tarpauling,  winnowing  sheet,  or  other  waterproof  cloth  to 
spread  under  the  bedding,  h.  A  pail  or  bucket  to  hold  a  supply  of  water  ;  if  the 
ti  ip  will  serve  as  a  basin,  all  the  better,  i.  One  or  two  saucepans,  with  the  long 
iron  handle  taken  off,  and  a  semicircular  wire  handle  substituted,  j.  A  baking  tin 
or  fiyingpan  (handle  removable),  k.  A  net  to  hold  rations  of  meat  or  vegetables. 
I.  A  hatchet  or  bill-hook.     m.  A  spade,     n.  A  Ian  thorn. 

"N.B.  The  articles  marked  h,  i,  j,  should,  if  possible,  be  packed  one  inside 
another." 


SAMUEL  THE  SAINT-SEER. 

We  rejoice  to  see  the  Bishop  of  Oxford  on  his  legs  again,  for  he 
lias  been  laid  up,  and  he  is  a  famous  orator.  In  a  speecli  highly  calcu- 
lated to  sustain  his  reputation  for  eloquence,  made  at  York,  on  behalf 
of  the  county  blind-school,  occurs  the  very  remarkable  passage  sub- 
joined. "Let  every  man,"  said  the  Bishop,  "think  how  to  liimself 
through  the  eye  had  come  the  sense  of  beauty"— and  so  forth  :— 

"  Let  him  think  what  it  was  never  once  to  have  looked  upon  the  innocent  bright- 
ness of  an  infant's  countenance  ;  what  it  was  never  once  to  have  seen  the  radiance 
and  glory  which  mantled  around  the  features  of  the  Holy  Saints." 

(  The  foregoing  passage  is  very  fine,  but  rather  obscure.  What  it  is 
"  to  have  looked  upon  the  innocent  brightness  of  an  infant's  counten- 
ance," most  people  know.  Brightness  is  a  quality  commonly  ascribed 
to  smiles.  We  all  of  us,  who  enjoy  the  use  of  our  eyes,  have  seen  many 
a  baby  with  a  clean  shiny  face,  just  washed,  smiling  with  an  expression 
of  the  purest  innocence,  the  process  of  ablution  being  over;  although  a 
lew  moments  before,  during  that  process,  it  had  been  crying  frightfully, 
and  making  the  most  vicious  faces.  But  how  many  of  us  have  seeu 
the  radiance  and  glory  which  mantle  around  the  faces  of  the  Holy 
Saints  r"  Pictures  of  the  luminous  appearance,  which  the  Bishop  thus 
alludes  to  are  familiar  enough  to  the  generality  of  people;  but  the 
phenomenon  itself  isone  that  we  never,  heretofore, knew  anybody  who  had 
witnessed,  or  thought  that  he  had,  or  even  said  that  he 'had.  Bishop 
Wilberforce,  however,  who  mentions  it  as  a  matter  of  ordinary  observa- 
tion to  all  but  the  blind,  is  of  course  constantly  in  the  habit  of  seeing  it 
under  favourable  conditions  himself,  and  thinks  that  it  is  seen  as  well 
by  mankind  at  large.    But  he  is  evidently,  by  special  faculty,  a  seer  of 


saints  ;  and  he  seems  to  see  so  many  as  to  make  it  appear  that  they  are 
more  numerous  now-a-days  than  they  are  generally  supposed.  The 
phosphorescence  with  which  the  old  painters  usually  represent  the 
heads  of  holy  prelates  as  surrounded,  may  be  an  emanation  of  what 
Baron  Reichenbach  calls  the  Odic  or  Odylic  light,  perceptible  only 
to  certain  persons,  whom  he  terms  "  sensitives."  Perhaps  the  Bishof 
of  Oxford  is  a  sensitive,  and  thus  accustomed  to  behold  the  radiance 
and  glory  mantling  around  the  features  of  the  Holy  Saints  ;  that  is  to 
say,  when  he  sees  them  in  the  dark,  for  then  only  are  the  odylic  rays 
visible.  When,  therefore,  the  Bishop,  going  to  bed  at  night,  puts  his 
caudle  out,  and  is  consequently,  according  to  the  solution  of  the  popular 
riddle,  where  Moses  (the  tailor)  was,  under  the  same  circumstances,  let 
us  cherish  the  supposition  that  he  beholds  the  reflection  of  a  brilliant 
halo  whensoever  he  casts  his  eyes  on  the  looking-glass. 


(Theatrical  Intelligence. 

Our  Irish  Correspondent  writes  to  say  that  Patti  has  been  per- 
forming Martha  in  Dublin.  The  opera,  he  informs  us,  has  been  a  great 
success.  The  singer  identified  herself  from  beginning  to  end  most 
closely  with  the  character, — so  much  so,  that  her  warm-hearted  admirers 
declare  that  the  name  of  the  opera  should  for  the  future  be  altered  from 
Martha  to  Patty.         

KICK  HIM  HARD,  HE  SHOULD  HAVE  NO  FRIENDS. 

A  Correspondent  wants  to  know  whether  it  be  because  the  winter 
is  approaching  that  Blondin  for  the  time  has  given  up  his  Summer-sets  ? 


Printed  by  William  Bradbury,  of  No.  13.  Upper  Wobum  Place,  and  Frederick  Mullen  Evans,  of  No.  19,  Queen's  Road  West,  Regent's  Park,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  i  ancras,  in  the  County  or  Middlesex 
Printers,  at  their  Office  in  Lombard  Street,  in  the  Precioct  of  Whitefriars.iu  the  City  of  London,  and  Pub;'  ' 


Satvkd  ai,  November  9, 1861, 


ublished  by  them  at  No.  85,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  Cityoi'  London.— 


On  the  20th  of  November  will  be  published,  Price  2s.  6d., 

PUNCH'S     POCKET-BOOK      FOR     1862. 

With  a  Coloured  Illustration  by  JOHN  LEECH,  and  numerous 
Woodcuts  by  JOHN  LEECH  and  JOHN  TENNIEL. 

Published  at  the  PUNCH  OFFICE,  85,  Fleet  Street,  and  sold  by  all  Booksellers  in 
Town  and  Country. 


This  day  is  published,  Price  10?.  6<*.,  in  cloth,  gilt  edges,  The  DOUBLE  VOLUME 
for  1845  (Vols.  8  and  9)  of 

THE     EE-ISSUE     OF      PUNCH. 

Also,  the  Ninth  Volume,  in  boards.  Price  5s.— The  following  are  already  published : — 
Vol.  1  (for  1841),  6s.  ;  Vols.  2  and  3  (1842),  10s.  6d.  ;  Vols.  4  and  5  (1843),  lO.s.  6d. ;  Vols. 
6  and  7  (1844),  10s.  6d.  ***  Any  Vol.  or  Double  Vol.  may  always  be  had  separately. 
Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


THE  GAZETTE  OF  BANKRUPTCY 

—A  NEW  LEGAL  AND   COMMERCIAL  JOURNAL,  is  Published 
every  Wednesday  and  Saturday  Morning,  Price  2d.,  Stamped  3d. 
"By  reference  to  it  any  Creditor  will  be  able  at  once  to  ascertain  the  position  of  any  Estate  in  which 
he  is  interested."— Times. 
.'<  Sue1eoent  imP°rtant  change  in  the  law  renders  the  new  Journal  particularly  well  timed."— Daily  News 
ine  first  numbers  of  this  new  Journal  fully  bear  out  its  useful  character."— Money  -Market  Review. 

[Office  :— 26  Bell  Yard ,  Lincoln's  Inn. 


SECOND  EDITION  OF 


THE      SILVER      COR 


Published  this  day,  in  3  vols.,  Price  31s.  6d., 

By  SHIRLEY  BROOKS,  Author  of  "The  Gordian  Knot,"  "Aspen  Court,"  Ac. 

"There  is  a  wealth  of  materials  in  it  that  is  quite  surprising.    Almost  every  chapter 

has  its  own  striking  situation  allotted  to  it,  and  we  are  constantly  kept  on  the  alert, 

watching  for  something  even  more  startling  than  all  that  has  gone  before." — Saturday 

Review.  [Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— November  16,  1861. 


13,  Great  Marlborough  Street. 

HUKST  &  BLAGKETT'S 
NEW  WORKS. 


TOE    LIFE    OF 

JL  SIR  CHARLES  NAPIER,  K.C.B. 
With  his  Correspondence.  By  Major-General 
Elers  Napier.    2  v.  30s. 

THE    LIFE    OF    J.    M.    W. 

TURNER,  R.A.  From  Original  Letters  and 
Papers  furnished  by  bis  Friends  and  Fellow 
Academicians.  By  Walter  Tuornbury.  2  v. 
30*. 

FRENCH  WOMEN  OF   LET- 

TEKS.  ByJui.iA  Kavamasu.  2  v.  21s.  (Nov. 22.) 

THE  LAST  OF  THE  MOIiTI- 

MERS.  By  the  Author  of  "  Margaret  Maitland." 
3  v. 

WHITE     AND    BLACK.      A 

Tale  of  the  Southern  States,  a  v.    (.Just  Ready.) 

SIR  RICHARD   HAMILTON. 

A  Novel.    2  v. 

THE  HOME  AT  ROSEEIELB. 

By  E.  Copping.    3  v. 

THE  VALLEY  OF  A  HUN- 

DRED  FIKES.  By  the  Author  of  "Margaret 
and  her  Bridesmaids."  Illustrated  by  J.  E. 
Mn i.ais,  A.R.A.  55.,  bound,  forming  the  new 
volume  of  Hurst  and  Blackett's  Standard 
Library. 

TOE  BURLINGTON  ALBUM 

«*k  for  1862  (consisting  of  Original  Musical 
Compositions  from  the  most  gifted  pens,  with  Illus- 
trations by  Brandard,  Packer,  &c.)  will  appear  early 
in  November.  Price  15«.,  elegantly  bound. 
London:  Robert  Cocks  &  Co.,  New  Burlington 
Street,  Regent  Street,  W. 


CAS, 

"3?   Peai-f 


■BULL     EVENINGS     MADE 

**  MERRY.  —  Bagatelle  Boards  of  the 
finest  manufacture  from  31*.  Gri.  complete.  Descrip- 
tive Catalogue  of  parlour  games  free  on  application. 
Asser  Sl  Suekwin,  81,  Strand,  London. 

THE   MAGIC   PUNCH- 

A  A  life-like  Figure  of  Punch,  -which 
dances  when  placed  on  the  floor,  taping  time  to 
any  tune,  and  defying  detection.  The  tunny  squeak 
and  roo-ti-too  of  Punch  are  cleverly  introduced.  No 
end  of  laughter.  Sent  post  free  for  18  stamps.  The 
Wizard's  Box  of  Magic  -six  new  tricks  by  return  free 
for '20  stamps.  The  Wizard's  Note  Book  on  Magic, 
free  tor  7  stamps.    Also, 

THE     MAGIC     SPURGEON 

■*■  (Copyright).— A  magical  life-like  POR- 
TRAIT of  the  most  popular  orator  of  the  day- when 
placed  on  the  floor  dances  gracefully,  defying  detec- 
tion. Sent  free  by  return  for  18  stamps. 
W.  Greio,  6,  South  Row,  Carnaby  Street,  W-, 
London. 

fjOALS.-BESTCOALS  ONLY. 

V  — CO0KERELL&  Co's  price  is  now  27s 
per  Ton  cash  for  the  BEST  SCREENED  COALS 
as  supplied  by  them  to  Her  Majesty.  1?  Coinhi'l- 
Purfleet  Wharf,  Earl  Street,  Blacltfriars,  E  C  ■' 
Eaton  Wharf,  Grosvenor  Canal,  Pirali.'o  S  w'- 
and  Sunderland  Wharf,  Peckham,  S.E. 

TPT0PLEMUR0M  A.-W. 

=&■*■  Clark  begs  to  call  the  attention  of 
all  who  have  the  care  of  Horses  to  his  HOPLEMU- 
ROMA,  for  the  improvement  and  growth  of  horses' 
feet,  to  cure  and  prevent  brittle  and  shelly  feet,  sand 
cracks,  seedy  toes,  diseased  frogs,  Sc. 
75.  Baker  Street,  W. 

PRIZE  MEDAL,  PARIS  EXHIBITION,  1855. 

WETCALFE,    BINGLEY, 

""A  &  Co.'s  New  Pattern  Tooth  Brushes, 
penetrating  unbleached  Hair  Brushes,  improved 
Hesh  Brushes,  and  genuine  Smyrna  Sponges  with 
every  description  of  Brush,  Comb,  and  Perfumery 
130b,  and  181,  Oxford  Street.  Metcalfe's  cele- 
brated Alkaline  Tooth  Powder,  2s.  per  box. 


NO  MORE  PILLS  OR  OTHER  MEDICINES  FOR  OLD  OR  YOUNG. 


THE     CANADIAN      NEWS 

A    every  THURSDAY.     Price  3d.     Post 
Free,  4<2. 

F.  Algar,  Colonial  Newspaper  Agency,  11, Clement's 
Lane,  E.C. 


WEDDING  STATIONERY 
50SAMPLES  POST  FREE 
'PARKINS  &.  GOTTO 
25  OXFORD  STtONJJON 


PLAYING     CARDS.    ALL 

A  the  new  Patterns  of  the  present  Season 
by  the  Best  Makers,  at  la.  6tf.,  U.9d.,  2s.,  2s.  3rf., 
2s.  fid.,  2*.  9rf.,  3s.,  3s.  ?.d.,  3s.  fid.,  3s.  9d.,  4s.,  and 
4s.  fid.  per  pack.  A  P;iek  carefully  selected  and  tor- 
warded  by  post  on  receipt  of  stamps,  with  2d.  extra 
for  postage. 
J.  Gilbert's,  IS,  Gracechurch  Street,  London,  E.C. 

AGAIN— ANOTHER 

Fearful  Fire  at  No.  5,  Richard  Street. 
Limehouse  Fields,  caused  by  an  escape  of  gas.  This 
could  not  have  occurred  had  one  of  HUGHES'S 
Patent  Safety  Atlas  Indicating  Chandeliers  Been 
Used.  All  persons  having  gas  fitted  should  there- 
fore have  the  improved  ATLAS  CHANDELIERS 
FIXED.  Kept  in  stock  by  all  gas  fitters.  Drawings 
free  by  post,  and  a  large  stock  always  ready  tor  the 
trade  and  merchants  at  the  Atlas  Works,  96,  Hatton 
Garden.— 11.  H.  Hughes. 


"  We  find  the  safest  remedy  in  DU  BARRY'S  delicious  health-restoring 

% 


For  Habitual  Constipation,  Dyspepsia  (I. .digestion).  Palpitation,  Acidity,  Flatulency,  Phlegm, 
Nausea,  Consumption,  Coughs,  Colds,  Asthma,  Bronchitis,  Hemorrhoids,  Nervousness,  Bilious- 
ness, Torpidity  of  the  Liver,  Low  Spirits.  Irritability,  Sleeplessness,  Noises  in  Head  or  Ears, 
Debility,  &c."— Andrew  Ure,  M.D.,  F.RS.  ;  Dr.  Harvey,  Dr.  Shorland,  Dr.  Campbell. 

Dr.  Wurzer's  Testimonial: — "  Du  Barry's  i?ood  is  particularly  effective  in  curing  dyspepsia 
(indigestion),  habitual  constipation,  as  also  diarrhoea,  bowel  and  liver  complaints,  affections  of 
the  kidneys,  bladder,  and  of  the  urethra  and  hemorrhoids,  also  in  Ciaigh,  asthma,,  debility,  and 
pulmonary  and  bronchial  consumption  " — Dr.  Rud.  Wurzer,  Prof,  of  Medicine  and  Practical  M.D. 

We  extract  a  few  out  of  many  thousand  cures  : — Cure,  No.  1,771.  Lord  Stuart  de  Decies,  of 
many  years'  dyspepsia. — No.  49,832.  "  Fifty  years'  indescribable  agony  from  dyspepsia,  nerv- 
ousness, asthma,  cough,  constipation,  flatulency,  spasms,  sickness,  and  vomiting.  Maria  Joly, 
of  Lynn,  Norfolk." — Cure,  No.  58,816.  Field-Marshal  the  Duke  of  Pluskow,  of  dyspepsia,  con- 
stipation, nervousness,  and  liver  complaints. — Cure,  No.  47,121.  Miss  Elizabeth  Jacobs,  Nazing 
Vicarage,  Waltham  Cross,  Herts,  of  extreme  nervousness,  indigestion,  gatherings,  low  spirits, 
and  nervous  fancies. — Cure,  No.  54,816.  The  Rev.  James  T.  Campbell,  Syderstone  Rectory,  near 
Fakenham,  Norfolk,  "  of  indigestion  and  torpidity  of  the  liver,  which  had  resisted  all  medical 
treatment ;  inquiries  will  be  cheerfully  answered." 

Less  expensive  and  far  more  strengthening  than  Tea,  Coffee,  Cocoa,  and  Cod  Liver  Oil,  this 
delicious  food  saves  all  Doctors'  and  Apothecaries'  Bills,  and  50  times  its  cost  in  other  remedies. 

Packed  in  tins,  1  lb.,  2s.  9d.  ;  2  lb.,  4s.  (id.  ;  5  lb.,  lis.  ;  121b.,  22s.  :  24  lb.,  free  of  carriage,  40s. 
Super  refined  quality,  10  lb.,  33s. — Barry  Dr.r  Barry  &  Co.,  No.  77,  Regent  Street,  London  ;  also 
Fortndm,  Mason  <fe  Co.;  and  at  60,  Gracechurch  Street;  4,  Cheapside ;  63  and  15<\  Oxford 
Street ;  229,  330,  430,  and  451,  Strand;  and  through  all  respectable  Grocers  and  Cheruis's. 


CONTINENTAL  IMPORTATIONS  FOE  PRESENTATION. 


T>  E^PECTFULLY  announce  to  their  numerous  Patrons  that  they  are  now  receiving  from  th  ? 
J-*'  Continent  large  assortments  of  NOVELTIES  SUITABLE  FOR  PRESENTATION,  and  will 
continue  to  do  so  for  the  present  and  forthcoming  Christmas  Season. 

T.  A.  S.  <fe  Co.  solicit  the  honour  of  a  visit  to  inspect  their  Choice  and  Elegant  Collection, 
varying  at  prices  to  suit  all  purchasers  from  5s.  to  £500. 

ONE  OF  THE  LARGEST  AND  MOST  SELECT  STOCKS  IN  THE  METROPOLIS. 

T.  A.  SIMPSON  &  Co., 

GOLDSMITHS,  SILVERSMITHS,   JEWELLERS,  WATCH   <fc    CLOCK   MANUFACTURERS, 
DRESSING-CASE  MAKERS  AND  FOREIGN  IMPORTERS, 

154,  Regent  Street,  and  3,  Beak  Street ;  and  Paris,  Rue  de  Rivoli. 


T  PUDDING. 

From  the  Cook's  Guide,  (Published  by 
Ms.  Bentley,  New  Burlington  Street) 
by  Mons.  C.  E.  Francatelli,  late  Chief 
Cook  to  Her  Majesty, 

A  LIGHT  PUDDING  FOR  INVALIDS. 

To  one  dessert- spoonful  of  Brown  and 
Polson,  add  two  ounces  of  pounded 
sugar,  three  gills  of  milk,  one  ounce  of 
butter,  a  pinch  of  salt,  and  a  tea-spoonful 
of  orange-flower  water ;  stir  briskly  on 
the  lire  till  it  boils  ;  then  work  in  three 
yolks  of  eggs,  and  the  three  whites 
whisked  firm  ;  pour  this  into  a  buttered 
mould  or  pudding  basin,  and  steam  it  in 
the  usual  way. 

BROWN  &,  POLSON,  Manufacturers  and  Purveyors  to  Her  Majesty  the  Queen. 
Paisley,  Manchester,  Dublin,  and  London. 


ewburuncton 
Strict  ^ 


JR0G£|^ 


-.corner  of 
RecentStreet 


Observe  particularly  Name  and  Address. 


A 


TOOTH  from  5s.,  set  £2  10s.     Without  Springs,  Wires,  or  any  painful  operation. 
Appearance  and  durability  guaranteed.     All  Consultations  free. 


Natural 


MESSRS.  1 

A  RE  Constantly  adding  new  and  approved  designs  to  their  Extensive  Stock  of  DRESSINGS- 
^  CASES,  TRAVELLING  DRESSING  BAGS,  BESPATC 2  BOXES 
ANO  TOURISTS'  WRITING  CASES.  The  "Bijou"  Photographs  of  all  the 
celebrities  of  the  day,  at  Is.  6d.  each. 

Catalogue  of  500  names,  post  free.     112,  Regent  Street,  and  4,  Leadenhall  Street,  London. 

WEDDING    AND    BIRTHDAY    PRESENTS.-H.    RODRIGUES, 

«*  42,  PICCADILLY,  invites  attention  to  his  elegant  STOCK  of  TRAVELLING  DRESSING 
BAGS,  DRESSING  CASES,  DESPATCH  BOXKS,  Writing  Cases,  Work  Boxes,  Jewel  Cases,  Scent  Caskets  and 
Glove  Boxes,  LADIES'  RETICULE  and  CARRIAGE  RAGS  of  every  description:  MEDIAEVAL  MOUNTED 
i  M  I  ■.1,11,'K  c.\s  I  s,  1II,iiT1'1\i;  Dunks,  and  INKSTANDS  en  suite:  the  M]  IV  PATENI  SELF-CLOSING 
BOOK-SLIDE,  also  a  choice  variety  of  ELEGANCIES  and  NOVELTIES  suitable  for  PRESENTATION,  too 
various  to  enumerate,  to  be  had  at 

HENRY  RODRIGUES'  42,  PICCADILLY, two  doors  from  Sackville  Street, W. 

THE    GENTLEMEN'S  SEAL    HEAD    OF   HAIR,   OETInVISIBLE 

■»=■  PERUKE. — The  principle  upon  which  this  Peruke  is  made  is  so  superior  to  everything  yet 
produced,  that  the  Manufacturer  Invites  the  honour  of  r  visit  from  the  Sceptic  and  the  Connoisseur,  that  one  maybe 
convinced,  and  the  other  gratified,  by  Inspecting  this  and  other  novel  and  heautiful  specimens  of  the  Peruquetan  Art,  at 
the  Establishment  of  the  Sole  Inventor,  F.  BROWNE,  47,  FENCHCRCH  STREET. 

F.  BROWNE'S   INFALLIBLE   MODE   OF   MEASURING 
THE  HEAD. 
Round  the  Head,  In  manner  of  a  fillet,  leaving  1    As  dotted 
the  Ears  loose 


From  the  Forehead  over  to  the  poll,  as  deep 
each  way  aB  required 


From  one  Temple  to  the  other  across  the  rise 
or  Crown  of  the  Head  to  where  the  Hair  grows 


As  dotted 
i  to  2. 


As  marked 
3  to  3. 


THE  CHARGE  FOR  THIS  UNIQUE  HEAD  OF 
HAIR,  ONLY  £1  10s. 


'■•■"' 


9  eENUXJvffiN 

5  Flannel  Shirts  for  a  Guinea 

100  PATTERNS  ALL  WOOLSENTTO  CHOOSE  FROM  FREE 
THR£E(VERY  BIST  QUALITY)  FOR  H  GUWEM-H  HALF 

PATTERNS  SENT  POST  FREE. 
PETER  ROBINSON 


MR.    MARKWELL:     WINE 

&7A,  Merchant  to  Her  Majesty,  Nos.  35  to 
40,  and  45,  Albemarle  Street,  and  A,  Stafford  Street, 
Piccadilly,  London,  W.  Naval  and  Military  Messes 
supplied.  Receipts  for,  and  Compounds  of,  Ameri- 
can Drinks.  The  still  and  sparkling  Catawba.  The 
Californian  Champagne,  als.  per  dozen.  Red  and 
white  Hungarian  Wines,  30s.  and  upwards  per  doz. 
The  celebrated  aromatic  Seheidam  Schnapps, 
Stougbton  &  Sickles'  Bitters.  Bourbon,  Mononga- 
hela.and  Old  Dominion  Whiskies. 

M^nuTEY'S  SAUCE.- 
OAUTION.— The  admirers  of  this 
celebrated  Sauce  are  particularly  requested  to  ob- 
serve that  each  bottle  bears  the  well-known  label, 
signed  "Elizabeth  Lazenby."  This  label  is  protected 
by  perpetual  injunction  in  Chancery  of  the  0th  July, 
lb58,  and  wuhout  it  none  can  be  genuine. 

£.  Lazenby  and  Son,  of  6,  Edwards  Street,  Port- 
man  Square,  London,  as  sole  proprietors  of  the 
receipt  oi  Harvey's  Sauce,  are  compelled  to  give  this 
caution,  from  tlie  fact  that  tbeir  lahels  are  closely 
imitated  with  a  view  to  deceive  purchasers. 
Sold  by  all  respectable  Grocers,  Druggists,  and 
Oilmen. 


•*y,f  From  0.>V 

ft      ^  every  flower  that    "fy  VfO 

"^  breathes  a  fragrance.  v^ 

SWEETS  CELTS' 

WHITE    ROSE,    MYRTLE 
FRANGIPANMI 

PERFUME    OF    PARADISE 


T? 


AND   A  THOUSAND   OTHERS. 


^\  2s.  6(f.  each  Bottle,  or  Three   ^ 

*C9  Bottles  in  a  pi  eittj  Jy 

S>   ^        .Box  7s.  -yCr- 

||  ED  STEADS -IN   WOOD, 

&v  IRON,  and  BRASS— fitted  with  furni- 
ture and  bedd^  complete.  An  illustrated  cata- 
logue on  application. 

J.  Maple  &  Co.,  1-15,  Tortenham  Court  Road. 

fiARPETS!    CARPETS!     AT 

V  an  Enormous  Reduction. — In  conse- 
quence of  the  American  Panic. 

Stout  Brussels at  Is.    9£rf. 

Five  Thousand  Pieces,  first-class  quality  at  2s.  4%d- 
Verv  choice  patterns,  best  quality  .  .  at  2s.  %d. 
Rich  Velvet  Carpets  ....  at  2*.  lid. 
J.Maple&Co.,  14  >,  Tottenham  Court  Road,  London  • 

I     MAPLE    AND   Co-    EOR 

»  '-  CARPETS.     COPIES  from  NATURE. 

Entrance, 

145,  Tottenham  Court  Road. 


EI  M  M  EL'S 
PERFUME    VAPO- 
RISER, as  used  on  board  of 
Her  Majesty's    Steam    Yacht, 
destroys  all  unpleasant  smells, 
and  creates  a  most  delightful 
and  refreshing  fragrance. 
Recommended  by  Du. Lethe- 
by  and  other  medical  men. 
Price  from  6s. 
Rimmel,  Perfumer. 
96,  Strand,  and  24,  Cornhill. 


ifJAPTAlI?  WHITE'S  CURRY 

%J  OR  MULLIGATAWNY  PASTE,  Curry 
Powder,  Curry  S-u.ce,  and  Oriental  Pickle,  may  be 
obtained  from  all  Sauce  Vendors,  and  Wholesale  of 
Crossk  &  Blackweli.,  Purveyors  to  the  Queen, 
Soho  Square,  London. 


CALT  and  Co.'s  EAST  INDIA 

KJ  PALE  ALE  (imperial  pints  4s.  9d.  the 
dozPn),  Burton  Ales,  and  Guinness's  extra  Stout,  in 
bottles  of  reputed  and  imperial  measures,  and  casks 
of  18  gallons  and  upwards.  Ale  for  exportation.— 
Moody  &  Co.,  Agents,  Lime  Street,  E.C. 


POR  CLEARING  THE  VOICE, 

A    and  Relieving  the  Heart  and  Lungs, 
no  medicine  is  equal  to 

DR.  LOCOOK'S  PULMONIC  WAFERS. 
From  Mr.  N.  W.  Thomas,  Chemist,  Fowey :  "  They 
are  without  the  symptoms  incident  to  the  use  of 
opium."  They  have  a  pleasant  taste.  Price  Is.  lid., 
2s.  9rf.,  and  lis.  per  box.  Sold  by  all  druggists. 
Beware  of  Counterfeits. 


A  Delicious  Sweetmeat.     Sold  by  Grocers  and 
Confectioners. 

FRY'S      CHOCOLATE 
CREAMS. 
J.  S.  Fry  &  Sons,  Bristol  and  London. 

nHUBFS   PATENT  DETEC- 

V  TOR  LOCKS  ;  Chubb's  Fire  and  Bur- 
glar Proof  Safes;  Chubb's  Fireproof  Strong-room 
Doors ;  Chubb's  Street-door  Latches,  with  small 
keys;  Chubb's  Cash  and  Deed  Boxes.— Illustrated 
Price  List  sent  free. 
Chubo   &  Son,    No.  5",  St.  Paul's  Churchyard. 


November  16,  1861.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


193 


A  FRIEND  IN  NEED,"   ETC. 


Jones  (inebriated — good-hearted  fellow,  but  will 
ou'd'inncr  par'y  'st  tcll's  where  'tis,  Oldfcllar',  sh?  - 
sh'want  Bail  bfare  morro'mor'in." 


break    out    at  times).    "  Go-in! 
-  -  shtrikesh  me'sh  hujlilprdlle 


PLAN  FOR  RELIEVING  THE  BISHOPS. 

The  real  Archbishop  and  head  of  the  English  Church,  Dr.  Lushington,  lias 
given  his  decision  in  the  matter  in  which  his  subaltern,  the  Bis  nop  op  Win- 
chester, demanded  his  interference;  a  clergyman  named  Heath  being  the 
delinquent.  Archbishop  Punch  is,  of  course,  not  going  to  stamp  on  theological 
corns,  and  evades  remark  upon  the  case  itself,  beyond  the  observation  that  Arch- 
bishop Lushington  seems  to  regard  bustling  Bishop  Bdrnet  as  the  Fountain  of 
Anglican  Theology,  a  view  which  will  much  delight  the  Patristics  and  others.  But 
a  more  practical  consideration  occurs  to'  the  Fleet  Street  Archbishop.  His  most 
reverend  and  right  reverend  Brethren  in  lawn  complain  that  they  are  over-worked 
— or  rather,  for  there  is  a  slight  distinction  between  the  phrases— that  there  is 
too  much  which  they  ought  to  do.  Archbishop  Punch  therefore  proposes  to  save 
them  a  great  deal  of  trouble.  Why  not  remit  candidates  for  orders  at  once  to  head- 
quarters ?  Why  not  send  them  up  direct  to  Archbishop  Lushington  ?  Let  a 
parson  do  his  worst,  it  is  to  the  Lushington  tribunal  that  he  must  come  at  last, 
his  diocesan  has  little  or  no  power  over  him.  Send  him  to  Archbishop  Lushing- 
ton, in  the  first  instance,  to  be  put  through  his  theological  paces,  and  didy  trained 
for  his  race.  Then,  if  he  bolts  out  of  the  course,  it  will  be  Archbishop  Lush- 
ington's  business  to  deal  with  his  own  pupil.  Archbishop  Punch  respectfully 
invites  Convocation  to  consider  this  proposition,  which  has  come  strongly  upon 
his  mind  since  his  perusal  of  the  Heath  case,  and  his  discovery  that  the  real  head 
of  the  English  Church  is  the  excellent  and  venerable  Archbishop  Lushington. 


Quite  a  Different  Article. — The  New  York  Herald  says  that  the  arms  of 
one  of  the  Bull's  Run  regiments  "  shone  so  brightly  that  you  would  fancy  they 
were  electroplated."  Possibly.  It  would  need  a  bolder  imagination  to  fancy  that 
the  bearers  were  Britannia  metal. 


THE  SONG  OF  THE  YOUNGER  SON. 

I  Would  gladly  marry, 

Could  I  but  chance  to  find 
A  girl  of  tastes  and  habit 

Inexpensively  inclined : 
One  who  for  more  pin-money 

Will  not  weekly  press, 
And  will  even  love  her  husband 

Better  than  her  dress. 

Who  will  share  his  fortune, 

Nor  complain  of  his  close  fist, 
And  without  a  pair  of  ponies 

Will  manage  to  exist. 
Who  in  London  after  August 

To  be  seen  won't  be  afraid, 
And  can  finish  off  her  toilette 

Without  a  lady's  maid. 

Who  '11  not  think  a  mile  of  walking- 

A  cause  for  tight  or  fuss, 
And  even  on  emergency 

Will  travel  by  a  'bus. 
Who  '11  mend  a  shirt  or  stocking, 

And  a  pie  or  pudding  make, 
And  will  not  want  a  doctor 

If  her  little  finger  ache. 

A  wife  who  '11  not  look  sulky_ 

If  carte  blanche  she  be  denied 
With  her  milliner  and  jeweller, 

And  fifty  shops  beside. 
Who  '11  not  he  in  bed  for  breakfast, 

Nor  of  cruelty  complain 
If  she  lunch  without  hot  jelly, 

And  dine  without  champagne. 

To  fancy  fairs  and  flower-shows 

Who  will  not  sigh  to  go,  _ 
Nor  will  deem  a  quiet  evening 

With  her  Henry  "dreadful  slow." 
Who  can  live  without  French  novels, 

And  without  an  opera  stall, 
Nor„will  want  three  parties  nightly, 

And  twice  a-week  a  ball . 

Who  can  go  out  on  a  visit 

Nor  want  six  new  gowns  a  day, 
And  won't  turn  her  lovely  nose  up 

At  a  sixpenny  bouquet. 
Who  '11  walk  out  with  her  husband 

If  he  can't  afford  a  horse, 
Nor  will  deem  a  year  old  bonnet 

A  fit  ground  for  a  divorce. 

Who  will  be  content  with  Margate, 

When  taken  to  the  sea, 
Nor  will  think  her  Henry  vulgar 

If  he  order  shrimps  for  tea. 
Find  me  such  a  charmer, 

With  health  and  temper  good, 
And  then  ask  me  if  I  'd  marry  ? 

I  should  rather  think  I  would  ! 


Dumb  Dog  Tearem. 

Whose  dog  is  Tearem  ?  That  Tearem  alone  can  tell ;  but 
he  is  silent.  The  Hungarian  Constitution  is  abolished ;  Hun- 
gary is  placed  under  something  like  martial  law ;  but  not  a 
bark  nor  even  a  whine  from  Tearem.  Can  Tearem  be  muzzled? 
Is  Tearem  the  dog  of  John  Bull,  or  Francis-Joseph's  dog  ? 
Tearem  represents  himself  as  a  house-dog ;  but  what  sort  of 
a  house-dog  is  he  ?     Surely  not  a  Hapsburg-House  Dog  ? 


monsieur  monops. 


La  Presse  considers  that  "  France  must  continue  to 
keep  an  eye  on  Dappes."  If  she  is  only  to  keep  one  eye 
on  it,  her  motto  had  better  be,  from  Virgil,  Rrpletus 
Dapibus  Cyclops. 

Snoring.— The  Voices  of  the  Night. 


vol.  xli. 


194 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


[November  16,  1861. 


OUR    DR. 


TIC    CORRESPONDENT. 


wing  to  Monsieur 
P  e  c  h  t  e  r,  dear 
Punch,  there  is  quite 
a  shower  of  blacks 
just  now  upon  the 
stage,  enough  really 
to  remind  one  of  the 
shower  of  Ethiopians 
wherewith  our  thea- 
tres were  deluged 
some  few  years  ago, 
and  whereof  some 
sprinklings  are  seen 
still  in  the  streets. 
In  the  week  wherein 
I  write  there  are  in 
London  three  Othel- 
los  engaged  in  black- 
ing then  faces  to 
appear  before  the 
public;  and  although 
that  fact  may  seem 
to  savour  of  mono- 
tony, there  is  no  lack 
of  variety  in  the  parts 
as  they  are  played. 
For  the  benefit  of 
playgoers  of  a  dozen 
centuries  hence,  to 
whom  Punch  will  doubtless  be  the  only  journal  extant  of  the  pre- 
sent period,  I  may  mention  that  the  trio  to  whom  I  have  referred 
are  M.  Eechter  at  the  Princess's,  Mr.  Beooee  at  Drury  Lane, 
and  Mr.  Phelps  at  Sadler's  Wells.  Of  these,  the  first  and  second 
are  as  opposite  in  style  as  two  actors  well  can  be ;  the  one  full  of 
intellectual  polish  and  refinement,  whik  the  other  relies  mainly  upon 
physical  exertion,  and  wins  the  good  will  of  the  gallery  by  his  vehe- 
mence of  voice.  Mr.  Phelps's  careful  reading  is,  I  take  it,  pretty 
much  the  juste  milieu  between  the  two;  and  I  suspect  most  English 
playgoers,  who  reverence  the  text,  will  on  the  whole  acknowledge  his 
reading  to  be  the  best.  I  should  like,  in  certain  scenes  to  see  him 
rather  more  impulsive,  as  befits  the  '  fiery '  Moor ;  and  at  times  he 
somewhat  mumbles  in  his  utterance,  through  an  over-straining  of 
emotional  effect.  Put  bis  conception  on  the  whole  is  excellently  ren- 
dered, and  fully  shows  that  he  appreciates  the  poetry  of  Shakspeare, 
and  the  grandeur  of  the  part.  Not  being  sentimental,  his  pathos  is 
most  touching  in  its  natural  simplicity  ;  instance  specially  the  farewell 
to  his  soldier's  occupation,  and  the  low  voice  and  quivering  lip  with 
which  he  sobs  the  answer  '  not  a  jot — not  a  jot : '  and  in  the  outbreaks 
of  his  jealousy  he  gives  the,  fullest  utterance  to  the  passion  of  the  text, 
without  stooping  to  the  vulgar  rage  and  rant  and  roar,  which  the  'great 
actor '  Mr.  Brooke  now  vents  in  what  the  playbills  call  his  '  grand 
impersonation.' 

"In  fine,  having  last  night  seen  him  vastly  to  his  disadvantage,  (for 
Mr.  Phelps,  I  am  bound  to  say,  is  wretchedly  supported — encum- 
bered would  indeed  be  a  far  more  fitting  word,)  I  think  that  Ins  Othello  is 
decidedly  worth  seeing:  and  they  who  rail  so  scornfully  at  much- 
abused  '  tradition '  may  learn  from  Mr.  Phelps  that  '  tradition '  has  its 
beauties,  as  well  as  its  defects,  and  that  to  violate  it  needlessly  is  not 
a  proof  of  taste. 

"  I  must  just  add,  however,  that  the  Sadler's  Wells  Iago  is  by  no 
means  to  be  cited  as  a  sample  of  tradition,  or  to  be  commended  for  his 
boldness  of  departure  from  it.  The  actor  rather  seems  to  view  it  as  a 
semi- comic  character  :  and  in  this  light  pit  and  gallery  most  cheerfully 
accept  it,  and  give  him  roars  of  laughter,  _  and  thunders  of  applause. 
Now,  though  tradition  far  too  much  insists  on  fiendish  scowls  and 
sneers,  and  such  a  devilish  deportment  as  no  one  could  assume  and  yet 
be  thought  an  '  honest '  man,  still  the  words  Iago  speaks,  as  set  down 
in  the  text,  could  not  in  any  truth  to  nature  proceed  from  such  a  person 
as  the  Sadler's  Wells  Iago  presumes  himself  to  be.  I  lay  stress  on  this 
fact,  because  in  general  Mr.  Phelps  is  careful  in  his  cast :  and  as  he 
is  the  only  good  tragic  actor  left  us_  (M.  Eechter  is  not  British-born, 
and  therefore  does  not  count)  one  wishes,  for  our  credit's  sake,  to  see 
him  well  supported,  and  so  put  upon  his  mettle,  and  acting  quite  his 
best. 

"M.  Eechter  still  continues  to  cram  the  house  in  Oxford  Street : 
and  whatever  be  his  failings  (I  shall  write  about  them  shortly,  and 
shall  have  to  write  at  greater  length,  I  think,  of  his  good  points)  it 
must  at  any  rate  be  owned,  that  he  has  helped  to  bring  down  many  a 
dusty  Shakspeare  from  its  sbelf,  and  has  revived  the  taste  for  some- 
thing better  than  burlesque.  Besides  the  shower  of  Othellos  to  which 
I  have  referred,  the  play  of  Richard  III.  has  been  presented  to  the 
public,  and  actually  the  little  theatre  in  the  Haymarket  has  seeu  the 
tragic  buskin  on  its  BucKSTONE-trodden  boards.    I  saw  King  Richard 


as  Richelieu  a  night  or  two  ago,  and  I  own  that  I  was  not  reminded  of 
Macready,  who  was  the  last  actor  I  saw  playing  the  part.  Mr.  Booth 
is  young,  and  by  study  may  improve :  but  folks  will  scarcely  go  to  see 
him  merely  for  the  reason  that  they  went  to  see  his  father. 

"  It  is  odd  to  see  what  shifts  the  managers  are  put  to  by  the  dearth 
of  tragic  actors,  and  the  new-born  taste  for  tragedy.  At  Drury  Lane 
Mr.  Roxby  :  has  to  do  himself  a  violence  and  appear  as  Roderigo, 
while  the  walking  gentlemen  who  take  the  other  characters  are  very 
little  better  than  a  set  of  walking  sticks.  At  the  Haymarket,  however, 
a  whole  company  of  comedians  have  on  a  sudden  to  assume  the  bearing 
of  tragedians,  and  I  need  not  say  how  ludicrous  are  the  inevitable  re- 
sults. Merely  from  the  bare  association  of  ideas,  the  metamorphoses 
effected  are  enough  to  make  one  smile :  for  when  bttle  Mr.  Clarke  stahks 
on  with  tragic  strut,  one  cannot  well  help  thinking  of  him  as  a  comic 
waiter,  so  strongly  is  that  image  of  him  stamped  on  your  mind's  eye.  It 
must  surprise  your  country  readers  to  learn  that  tragedy  is  finding  a  home 
here  in  the  Haymarket,  where  they  have  often  given  vent  to  such  bois- 
terous guffaws ;  and  I  fancy  when  the  Cattle  Show  attracts  them  there 
next  month  they  will  look  for  Mr.  Buckstone  to  play  the  part  of 
Hamlet,  while  Mr.  Compton  acts  the  King,  and  Mr.  Rogers  plays  the 
Ghost — the  libretto  of  the  tragedy  explaining  that  this  '  shadow,'  since 
his  late  retirement  from  the  cares  of  kingly  state,  has  led  a  very  cosy 
comfortable  life,  and  has  thereby  not  unnaturally  grown  a  little  stout. 

"  One  who  Pays." 


CLERICAL  DESTITUTION. 

There  are  snug  things  in  the  Church.    Only  look  at  this : — 

pHURCH     PREFERMENT    FOR    EXCHANGE.— A    RECTORY, 

^  desirably  situated  within  sight  of  the  Sea,  in  an  exceedingly  picturesque 
County ;  house,  roomy  and  good  ;  glebe,  S2  acres  of  first-rate  land.  Income,  well 
paid,  over  £400  a  year.  Population  215.  No  Meeting  or  Public  House  in  the  parish. 
Desired  in  EXCHANGE  the  NEXT  PRESENTATION  to  a  Rural  Rectory,  subject 
to  a  life  of  not  less  than  seventy.  Income  must  not  be  less,  nor  population  greater. 
Age  of  applicant  must  not  be  less  than  forty.     South  or  West  of  England  preferred. 

Variety  is  charming :  Avida  novitatis  est  gens  humana,  as  the  Eton 
Latin  grammar  classically  phrases  it.  Else  one  well  might  wonder  that 
a  parson  in  possession  of  so  snug  a  berth  as  this  should  feel  any  wish 
to  change  it  for  one  that  might  prove  less  so.  Eor  in  the  "  rural  rec- 
tory" of  which  he  is  in  search  there  migktvery  likely  be  a  pothouse  or 
a  meeting-house,  while  in  his  present  sea-side  paradise  it  seems  that  he 
has  neither  of  these  nuisances  to  harass  him.  Considering  this,  we  are 
surprised  that  he  will  swop  for  the  same  income  as  that  which  he  now 
has  :  for  surely  the  relief  to  a  well-constituted  mind  of  knowing  that 
no  drinking  or  dissenting  folk  live  near  one  is  worth  what  in  the  law  is 
called  "  consideration  money,"  and  should  as  much  enhance  the  value 
of  a  clerical  preferment  as  the  absence  of  street-organs  would  the  value 
of  a  house.  Moreover  the  advertiser  clearly  loves  an  easy  life,  or  he 
would  not  be  so  careful  to  guard  himself  against  a  larger  population. 
Over  four  hundred  a  year  to  cure  a  couple  of  hundred  souls,  as  things 
now  go,  we  think,  is  pretty  decent  pay  :  and  with  a  "  good  and  roomy 
house"  in  extremely  pretty  country,  one  might  manage  one  would 
fancy  to  live  tolerably  comfortable,  even  though  one  had  to  preach  a 
sermon  once  a  week,  and  once  a  month  or  so  go  through  the  labour  of 
christening. 


STATISTICS  EOB  THE  NURSERY. 
{From  the  Monifeur  Vinicole.) 

Pair  Brussels  takes  the  lead  in  beer, 

Proud  Stockholm  loves  her  brandy, 
Madrid  is  great  in  chocolate, 

Dear  to  each  Spanish  grandee. 
Vile  absinthe  keeps  gay  Paris  pert, 

The  Turk  for  coffee  craves, 
Strong  wines  fill  up  the  Britons'  cup, 

Who  never  will  be  slaves. 
But  you  look  here,  my  little  man, 

Be  wiser  than  the  bunch  : 
Through  all  your  life  pursue  one  plan, 

And  always  stick  to  Punch. 


Nothing  Like  Lather. 

A  Eashionable  Soap-monger  incessantly  exposes  and  advertises 
"Bar  Soap."  We  dare  say  that_it  is  very  good;  but  whence  the 
name  ?  Has  the  Bar  so  many  dirty  hands  that  it  must  have  a  special 
soap  invented  for  it  ?  Or  is  it  an  invention  to  enable  the  Bar  the  better 
to  soap  over  juries  ?  Or  is  it  for  washing  what  Lady  Macbeth  calls  a 
"filthy  Witness  "?  We  request  an  explanation,  accompanied  by  a  few 
hundred  pounds  of  the  article  against  Eriday  next,  which  happens  to 
be  our  washing-day. 


November  16,  1861.] 


PUNCH, 


OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


195 


NUKSLINGS  OF  THE  WAVES. 

On  Monday  last  week  commenced  the  winter  session  of  the  Univer- 
sity of  Edinburgh,  when  an  eloquent  introductory  address  touching- 
science  in  general  was  delivered  by  Principal  Sib,  David  Brewster. 
Unfortunately  the  address  of  the  learned  Principal  was,  owing  to  the 
construction  of  the  hall  in  disregard  of  acoustics,  -very  imperfectly 
heard  (the  reporter  tells  us)  by  a  large  proportion  of  the  audience. 
Yes,  this  was  very  unfortunate.  One  of  the  accomplished  lecturer's 
sentences  began  thus  : — "  Considering  the  ocean  but  as  the  nursery  of 
the  whale  and  its  congeners."  These  words  having  been  very  imper- 
fectly heard  by  many  of  the  listeners,  were  partially  misapprehended, 
and  some  literal  and  stolid  students  present  naturally  understood  Sir 
Daved  Brewster  to  state  that  the  ocean  had  been  considered  the 
nursery  of  the  whale  and  the  conger  eels. 


BATHING  FOR  BEDLAMITES. 

We  were  surprised  beyond  measure  on  Wednesday  morning  last  at 
finding  in  the  Times  the  following  intelligence  : — 

"  The  bathing  season  in  Hyde  Park  has  now  teiiainated." 

This  startling  information  was  conveyed  in  a  short  paragraph  relat- 
ing to  the  Royal  Humane  Society  and  setting  forth,  with  other  highly 
interesting  details,  that — 

"  The  number  of  bathers  in  the  Serpentine,  from  the  commencement  of  the  year 
to  the  3rd  instant,  was  71,356  in  the  mornings,  and  206,913  in  the  evenings.     *    * 
The  number  of  attempted  suicides  was  eight,  of  whom  five  were  rescued,  and  the 
remainder  were  not  discovered  in  time  to  be  saved. " 

If  we  remember  rightly,  "the  Serpentine  was  frozen  over  at  the 
commencement  of  the  year,"  and  the  temperature  was  somewhere  in 
the  neighbourhood  of  zero  :  while  on  the  evening  of  the  third  instant 
there  was  a  hard  frost,  and  we  should  at  either  period  about  as  soon 
have  thought  of  blowing  out  our  brains  as  of  bathing  in  the  Serpentine. 
Tastes  differ,  it  is  true,  but  if  we  ever  were  caught  bathing  when  the 
glass  was  down  to  freezing  point,  we  think  whoever  dragged  us  out 
would  be  quite  justified  in  fancying  we  were  attempting  suicide. 
Clearly  a  Society  which  calls  itself  ''Humane"  should  do  all  within  its 
power  to  prevent  half-witted  persons  from  taking  insane  headers  when 
the  snow  is  on  the  ground,  and  thereby  catching  in  all  likelihood  cold, 
ague,  cramp,  neuralgia,  sore-throat,  bronchitis,  asthma,  lumbago,  cough, 
and  rheumatism,  and  half-a-dozen  other  highly  disagreeable  ailments, 
proceeding  from  the  chills  which  human  flesh  is  heir  to. 


Implacable  Jonathan. 

It  is  impossible  to  please  the  Yankees.  They  are  not  satisfied  with 
our  leaving  them  to  themselves,  and  they  also  complain  that  we  will 
not  stand  a  loan.  No  wonder  that  we  do  not  cotton  together,  and  it  is 
not  likely  we  shall,  so  long  as  they  continue  to  keep  us  out  of  cotton. 


A  LAMENT   FOR   OLD    GIT/, 

BY  AN   OLD  HIGH  AND  DRY  TRUE  BLUE   "  CHURCH  AND   KING  MAN. 

Oh,  ancient  Guy,  the  time's  gone  by, 

When  we  rejoiced  in  thee ; 
With  lantern  dark  in  fingers  stark, 

And  matches  fair  to  see  ! 
November  boys,  witli  squibs  and  noise, 

And  begging-box  held  high, 
Still  know  the  hour  the  streets  to  scour, 

But  where  's  mine  ancient  Guy  ? 

A  figure  still  parades  the  town, 

Tied  in  an  elbow-chair, 
Still  waves  and  wags  its  tawdry  rags, 

And  dangling  limbs  in  air. 
Gunpowder  treason  still  doth  lend 

A  licence  to  the  cry, 
That  fills  the  air  in  street  and  square, 

But  where 's  mine  ancient  Guy  ? 

The  dummy  thus  paraded  round 

Is  not  our  ancient  foe, 
Who  Spooner  still  with  hate  doth  fill. 

And  Newdegate  also. 
'Tis  now  the  Pope  with  tinsel  cope, 

And  triple  crown  set  high, 
A  Blondin  e'en,  just  now  I  've  seen — 

But  where  's  mine  ancient  Guy? 

Is  it  that  history  has  lost 

Its  teachings  for  the  young, 
That  hatred  hot  of  Papist  plot 

Hath  overboard  been  fluug  ? 
That  lukewarmness  hath  quenched  the  zeai 

Which  blazed  in  times  gone  by, 
Till  in  mine  ire  I  must  inquire — 

Where  is  mine  ancient  Guy  ? 

Or  is 't  the  ribaldry  which  jests 

With  all  things,  grave  or  not, 
The  sense  doth  dim  of  guilt  in  him 

Who  plann'd  Gunpowder  Plot  ? 
Is  it  since  Punch  so  oft  hath  blown 

The  Parliament  sky  high, 
That  Fawkes  is  fallen  from  his  throne, 

And  gone  mine  ancient  Guy  ? 

Vile  Innovation  nothing  spares 

Of  all  my  childhood  knew  : 
The  wisdom  of  our  ancestors 

In  all  things  we  undo  : 
E'en  Punch,  with  alien  characters, 

Unbiown  in  days  gone  by, 
Behind  his  mask  must  blush  to  ask — ■ 

Where  is  mine  ancient  Guy  ? 

But  if  November  has  to  mourn 

One  desecrated  day, 
Degenerate  boys,  new-fangled  Guys, 

And  old  hates  past  away, 
The  mirth  is  there,  with  its  Lord  Mayor, 

Who  in  his  state  goes  by ; 
So  long  as  he  installed  shall  be, 

We  've  still  one  ancient  Guy. 

While  still  in  mangy  mortar-cap 

The  sword-bearer  shall  ride, 
While  still  in  close-curled  wigs  the  grooms 

March  by  the  coach's  side, 
While  still  shall  pass  the  man  in  brass, 

Amidst  the  small  boys'  cries — 
Por  all  we  've  lost,  we  yet  may  boast, 

We  've  several  ancient  Guys  ! 


Unpleasant  Symptoms. 


We  are  very  unhappy  about  the  Bishop-Maker.  We  are  sadly  afraid 
that  the  Noble  Earl  is  going  over  to  the  Church  of  Rome.  He  has 
been  making  a  speech  about  the  Essays  and  Reviews,  aud  has  assured 
his  working-class  audience  that  the  best  way  to  be  religious  is  to  feel, 
and  not  to  try  to  understand.  This  is  sad,  from  the  Protestant  Shaftes- 
bury. What  else  does  every  Popish  priest  tell  his  dupes  ?  Will  none 
of  the  Earl's  own  hierarchs  call  upon  the  Bishop-Maker,  and  feel  his 
theological  pulse  ?    We  repeat — we  are  very  uneasy. 


196 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[November  16,  1861. 


Aunt  Sally  (who  is  very  particular). 
Diana  (who  isparticular  too,  but  jolly). 


FIRST    DAY    OF    THE    SEASON. 

Well,  Dear,  did  you  have  a  nice  Ride  ? " 

"Oh!  Delicious  Aunty;  and  do  you  know,  we  fell  in  with  the  Hounds — found  a  Fox 
at  Merry's  Gorse,  run  him  without  a  check  for  twenty  minutes  up  to  Friar's  Plantation — bothered  us  a  little  there,  but 
we  hit  him  off  again,  and  away  we  went  as  hard  as  we  could  split,  over  Simmons'  Enclosures — into  Broadfield  Park — right 
through  Old  Lady  Gollop's  Garden — you  never  saw  such  a  sight — didn't  stop  there,  but  steamed  away  down  Freshwater  Vale, 

AND    KILLED  HIM  IN  THE    OrEN,    CLOSE   TO   DOLLMAN'S    HEATH — AN   HOUR   AND    TEN  MINUTES   BY    MY    LITTLE   WATCH,  AND  CHARLEY   BaNGCROFT 
SAYS    I  WENT  LIKE   A    BlRD,    AND    I  'VE   ASKED    HIM    IN    TO    L.UNCH,   AND    I  DON 'T    KNOW   WHAT 'S    BECOME    OF    POLES   AND    THE    COACH    HORSE  !  " 


HOW  WE  'LL  BBEAK  THE  BLOCKADE. 

Cousin  Jonathan,  listen,  and  don't  make  a  row, 

Nor  fancy  yon  '11  see  the  B.  Lion  afraid, 
We  beg  to  inform  you  we  've  taken  a  vow, 

On  the  earliest  occasion  to  Break  your  Blockade. 

We  '11  do  it,  old  hoss,  we  '11  have  cotton,  yes,  Sir, 
Though  your  lying  old  Herald  may  splutter  and  rave, 

If  we  don't,  say  the  Lion  aforesaid  's  a  cur, 
And  bid  Mrs.  Britannia  stop  ruling  the  wave. 

Would  you  like  to  know  how,  Sir  ?    Then  don't  be  an  ass, 
Ground  rifle,  old  hoss,  leave  that  bowie  alone : 

A  quarrel  wants  two,  and  in  spite  of  your  sarce 
We  won't  be  the  Party  to  shy  the  first  stone. 

But  we  '11  break  your  blockade,  Cousin  Jonathan,  yet, 
Yes,  darn  our  old  stockings,  C.  J.,  but  we  will. 

And  the  cotton  we  '11  have,  and  to  work  we  will  set 
Every  Lancashire  hand,  every  Manchester  mill. 

We  're  recruiting  to  do  it — we  Tl  make  no  mistakes  ; 

There 's  a  place  they  call  India,  just  over  the  way ; 
There  we  're  raising  a  force  which,  Jerusalem,  snakes  ! 

Will  clean  catawompus  your  cruisers,  C.  J. 

And  we  wou't  have  our  eggs  in  one  basket,  dear  boy, 
There 's  a  place  called  Brazd,  which  you  know 's  real  jam, 

The  order 's  gone  out,  and  the  word 's  to  employ 
All  hands  that  can  help  us  to  wop  Uncle  Sam. 


More  power  to  our  elbow,  have  ever  you  heard, 

Of  Venezuela  ?— come,  answer  us,  du ;  [ 
There,  Cousin,  we  hear  from  a  nice  little  bird, 

That  a  nice  little  rod  is  in  pickle  for  you. 

Ex  ni/iilo  nihil,  but  that  wou't  be  said 

Of  a  certain  rich  valley  that  nurses  the  Nile  : 

We  're  recruiting  there,  too,  hoss,  so  hang  down  your  head 
As  if  you  'd  no  end  of  a  brick  in  your  tile. 

You  immortal  old  goney !  you  reckon  to  lick 
The  web-footed  Lion  that  swims  every  sea ! 

We  rather  imagine  he  knows  of  a  trick 
That  will  turn  on  your  backs  both  yourself  and  Le< 

You  needn't  be  nervous,  no  war  flag  shall  flaunt, 
Nor  powder  nor  steel  will  we  trouble  for  aid, 

Bat  we  Tl  have  all  the  cottou  our  mill-people  want ; 
And  so— and  so  only— we  '11  Break  the  Blockade. 


:ree , 


He  is  the  Government. 

Political  scribes  whose  education  (as  not  unfrequently  happens 
with  the  best  public  instructors)  has  been  slightly  neglected,  often 
appear  in  doubt  whether  the  word  "  Government "  is  singular  or  plural. 
Some  of  'em  dodge  the  difficulty  by  writing  that  "  Government  has 
resolved  to  put  forth  their  energy,"  &c.  so  as  to  merge  their  dilemma 
in  affectedly  hasty  writing.  Bat  whatever  difficulty  may  occur  in 
ordinary  times,  there  can  be  none  now.  Nobody  will  say  that  Lord 
Palmerston  is  plural. 


=1 

'A 


November  16,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


199 


A  L'HOTEL  DES  TEOIS  EMPEREUKS. 

I  Wouldn't  be  an  Emperor 

As  Emperors  are  now, 
Eor  all  their  sceptres  in  my  hand, 

Their  crowns  npon  my  brow ; 
On  the  sword  awhile  grim  fate  may  smile, 

And  Eorce  may  keep  down  Law, 
But  swords  of  Kings,  those  two-edged  things, 

May  pierce  the  hands  that  draw  ! 

There 's  Louis  of  France  he  leads  the  dance, 

Of  Despotism  and  Death, 
But  underground  I  hear  a  sound — 

The  pent  fire's  surging  breath ; 
From  the  Tuileries  to  Saint  Antoine, 

There 's  a  broad  street  running  through, 
But  the  way  you  keep  for  the  cannon's  sweep, 

May  serve  for  the  people  too  ! 

There 's  Kaiser  Franz  can  bid  advance 

Five  hundred  thousand  men, 
On  Hungarie  or  the  Adrian  Sea, 

But  will  they  come  back  again  ? 
With  a  bankrupt  purse,  and  two  nations'  curse, 

To  struggle  against  e'en  now  ; 
For  twice  five  hundred  thousand  men, 

I  'd  not  be  Franz,  I  trow  ! 

There  's  Russia's  Czar  his  Eagle  far 

O'er  steppe  and  swamp  bids  fly, 
From  the  Baltic  shore,  to  where  Amoor 

The  Chinese  wall  goes  by. 
But  with  serfs  and  slaves  and  fools  and  knaves, 

With  his  good  and  ill  at  war, 
For  his  wide  domain,  and  as  much  again, 

I  would  not  be  the  Czar  ! 

For  everywhere  I  seem  to  hear 

Beneath  Imperial  thrones, 
The  stir  and  strife  of  sudden  life 

Come  back  to  the  dry,  dry  bones, 
With  a  force,  whose  heave,  e'en  thrones  can  cleave, 

And  rend,  with  sudden  jar, 
The  iron  bands,  from  out  the  hands 

Of  Emp'ror,  Kaiser,  Czar! 


THE  HEALTH  OF  IRELAND. 

The  serious  attention  of  the  medical  men  who  have  under  their  care 
the  body  politic,  is  required  by  the  questionable  condition  of  Ireland.  In 
consequence  of  the  abominable  and  absurd  American  War,  the  tide  of 
Lish  emigration  has  ceased  almost  suddenly.  Here,  then,  is  a  stoppage 
of  customary  depletion,  and  that  in  the  case  of  an  individual  is  well 
known  _  to  be  very  dangerous ;  likely  to  be  followed  by  apoplexy, 
paralysis,  and  all  manner  of  inflammations  and  eruptions.  According 
to  analogy,  Ireland  ought  to  have  a  violent  attack  of  agitation  •  but 
very  few  parallels  run  quite  on  all-fours,  and  perhaps  the  political 
health  of  Ireland  may  fortunately  suffer  no  disturbance  from  the  arrest 
of  that  process  by  which  such  quantities  of  noxious  materials  were  con- 
tinually exported  from  her  system. 


FASHIONS  FOR  NOVEMBER. 

(From  Le  Wisdom.) 

An  entirely  new  fashion  has  been  introduced  by  ladies  who  are  justly 
entitled  to  be  looked  up  to  as  models.  It  has  obtained  the  most  un- 
bounded approbation  from  gentlemen  who  have  the  happiness  to  be 
fathers  or  husbands.  It  consists  of  the  dresses  which  were  purchased 
last  winter,  and  which,  having  been  carefully  put  away,  come  out  with 
all  the  advantages  of  novelty  and  economy.  Some  leaders  of  the  fashion 
have  gone  so  far  as  to  place  in  the  Savings'  Bank  the  money  which  new 
dresses  would  have  cost,  but  this  habit  is  at  present  confined  to  ladies 
of  the  most  exquisite  taste  and  judgment.  So  graceful  and  well  fitting 
a  habit  will,  however,  it  is  prognosticated,  have  many  imitators. 


Literary  Intelligence. 

Government  is  said  to  have  decided  that  all  the  beasts  shall  be 
turned  out  of  the  British  Museum.  This  is  good  news  for  the  Reading- 
Room,  which  is  still  disturbed  by  persons  who,  in  defiance  of  Panizzi 
and  politeness,  continue  to  chatter  together. 


MATHEMATICS   FOE   PRACTICAL   MEN. 

Theorem  I. — A  Chord  having  been  struck  by  inclination,  a  Charming 
Widow  and  an  impressible  Proctor  will  be  united. 

Let  aip  be  an  Impressible  Proctor ;  a  c  w,  a  Charming  Widow  '■> 
and  twd,  the  Will  of  the  Departed.  Let  atc  be  a  Tender  Chord 
passing  through  aip:  then,  if  acw  be  inclined  to  aip,  the  former 
will  strike  atc,  and  aip  and  acw  will  be  united.  This  is  assuming, 
by  way  of  postulate,  that  the  expectations  of  aip  coincide  with  the 
provisions  of  t  w  d, — the  Will  which  is  to  be  proved. 

Theorem  II. — The  mental  elevation  of  an  Eminent  Tragedian  is  equal  to 
the  difference  between  two  lines,  the  base  and  the  perpendicular. 

Let  o  p  be  a  Theatrical  Manager,  and  m  e  the  Mental  Elevation  of 
aet,  an  Eminent  Tragediau.  Then  from  the  managerial  authority  of 
op  let  a  base-line  be  extended  to  aet;  call  it  sp,  the  Sternly 
Parental  or  heavy  line.  Then  let  a  lofty  or  perpendicular  line  come 
from  aet  to  o  P ;  call  it  E  b,  or  line  of  Epistolary  Remonstrance, 
thus  : — "  Sir,  I  spurn  your  heavy  Fathers,  and  aspire  to  Royalty— 
Henry  the  Sixth  or  Eighth,  Claudius,  or  King  Lear.  Yours  dis 
obediently,  Fitz-Roy."  The  mental  elevation  of  ae  t  may  be  obtained 
by  measuring  the  lines  s  p  and  e  r,  it  being  by  construction  equivalent 
to  the  difference  between  the  base  and  the  perpendicular. 

Theorem  III. — The  miseries  of  a  Circle  from  which  a  Beautiful  Coquette 
flies  off  at  a  Tangent. 

Let  a  r  o  f  be  a  Rich  Old  Flatterer,  and  a  b  c  a  Beautiful  Coquette- 
Round  abc  describe  a  circle  pdw,  Poor  Devoted  Worshippers. 
Then,  if  a  parallel  be  drawn  by  ab  c  between  arof  and  pdw,  itwill 
be  found  that  abc  will  cut  pdw,  and  a  b  o  f  and  abc  will  be  united. 
But  if  a  h  Y  o  be  a  Handsome  Young  Officer,  and  a  parallel  be  drawn 
between  arof  and  a  h  y  o,  it  will  be  seen  that  abc  will  fly  off  at  a 
tangent  from  arof,  and  pdw  and  aro  f  in  one  point — that  of  un- 
mitigated misery — are  equal. 

Theorem  IV. — A  Melodious  Policeman  in  the  area  of  a  Square, 
demonstrates  the  Charms  of  Music  and  the  Force. 

Let  a  M  p  be  a  Melodious  Policeman,  and  a  f  s  a  Fashionable  Square, 
on  one  side  of  which  is  a  s  c,  a  Soft  Cook.  Then  if  a  m  p  be  inclined  to 
a  s  c,  they  will  be  found  to  meet  in  the  area  of  the  square. 

Theorem  V. — Solution  of  the  Vexata  Qucestio  in  reference  to 
Bodies  moving  in  Space. 

Let  p  f  be  the  Plain  Figure  of  a  Fhie  Lady  at  the  Court  of  the 
Prince  Regent,  and  MBthe  circumference  of  a  Modern  Belle.  Then 
from  A  c,  the  Acute  Angle  of  the  eye  of  a  Candid  Critic,  let  attention 
be  drawn  to  l  b,  the  Line  of  Beauty,  and  l  b  will  be  found  to  reach 
considerably  beyond  p  f,  the  Plain  Figure,  though  undoubtedly  within 
MB,  the  Circumference  of  the  Belle. 

Corollary. — For  practical  purposes  the  difference  may  be  reckoned  as 
equivalent  to  that  between  the  hoops  of  two  drams,  viz.,  the  fig-drum 
and  the  big  drum. 


A  VERi:  FINE  FRENZY. 


"  Indignation  makes  verses,"  says  the  old  proverb,  but  indignation 
must  make  better  ones  than  those  of  a  correspondent  of  Mr.  Punch's. 
The  poet  is  in  such  a  rage  with  any  person  who  does  not  assist,  by 
subscription,  Mb.  Halliwell's  most  praiseworthy  plan  for  _  preserving 
the  Shakspeare  Gardens  to  the  nation,  that  he  breaks  out  into  savage 
verse  which  he  wants  us  to  print.    He  begins — 

"  The  wretch  who  won't  subscribe  to  Shakspeare's  Garden 
Is  a  vile  toad  who  is  not  worth  a  farclen  : 
May  all  his  gardens  be  o'er -run  with  slugs, 
His  house  with  cousins,  and  his  beds 

[No,  really,  we  cannot  print  any  more.  We  share  his  indignation, 
but  do  not  admire  its  expression.  Nevertheless,  we  urge  everybody 
to  send  his  money  to  Mb.  Halliwell.] 


No  Popery ! 

{A  Joke  made  on  Guy  Fawkes'  Day.) 

Pam  says  that  it  is  to  please  the  Roman  Catholic  population  of 
Canada  that  he  has  sent  out,  as  Governor-General,  a  Monck.  He  adds 
that  this  bad  excuse  is  better  than  nun.  Really,  the  joke 's  as  objec- 
tionable as  the  appointment,  and  that  is  saying  a  good  deal,  as  will  be 
found  out  one  of  these  days. 


200 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[November  16,  1861. 


fast  against  all  comers.  By  that  time,  the  Venetian 
pear  also  will  probably  be  ripe  for  plucking.  This  opera- 
tion may  require  an.  amount  of  force  which  Italian  men 
will  be  enabled  to  wield  by  taking,  and  only  by  taking, 
Garibaldi's  judicious  advice,  keeping  quiet,  biding  their 
time,  and  hi  the  meanwhile  employing;  every  means  "  to 
promote  the  armament  of  the  nation." 


Cabby.  "Hansom,  Captain/" 

Captain.  "Haw,  Yaas  ;  fancy  so,  rath -ar  !  ' 


GARIBALDI'S  HEADPIECE. 

The  certainty  that  Garibaldi  has  a  head  upon  his  shoulders  is  no  doubt  extremely 
vexatious  to  the  Continental  Absolutists,  and  perhaps  even  to  some  of  their  British 
friends,  who  would  like  to  decapitate  him.  Anything  by  which  they  are  forcibly  re- 
minded of  that  incontrovertible  fact  must  exceedingly  annoy  them,  and  therefore  we 
have  much  pleasure  in  drawing  their  attention  to  a  statement  contained  in  the 
Monarchia  Nazionale,  which  not  only  evidences  the  existence  of  ahead  on  the  shoulders 
of  Garibaldi,  but  also  proves  that  it  has  been  put  on  the  right  way.  The  Ex-King 
of  Naples,  the  ex-Dukes  of  the  Italian  States,  the  Emperor  op  Austria,  the  Pope, 
and  the  Marquis  op  Normanby,  will  be  enraged  to  hear  that  :— 

"  General  Turk,  has  announced  to  the  Central  Committee,  in  the  name  of  Garibaldi,  that  it 
is  the  firm  intention  of  the  latter  not  to  provoke  any  movement  in  favour  of  Rome  and  Venice  ;  and 
that  his  sole  wish  is  that  every  means  may  be  employed  to  promote  the  armament  of  the  nation." 

The  Roman  pear,  according  to  our  friend  Louis  Napoleon,  is  not  ripe  yet ;  when 
it  shall  have  attained  to  maturity  it  will  fall  of  itself.  The  soundness  of  this  Napo- 
leonic idea  may  be  questioned,  for  that  of  the  pear  itself  is  disputable,  appearances 
strongly  indicating  that  the  Roman  pear  is  not  only  ripe  but  rotten.  However,  there 
hangs  the  pear,  for  the  present,  on  the  tree  which  enlightened  France,  by  means  of 
General  Goyon  and  ten  thousand  bayonets,  prevents  its  natural  proprietors  from 
shaking._  But  a  day  must  come  when  the  sleepy  old  pear  will  fall  at  last.  In  the 
meanwhile  the  fruit-bud  that  might  produce  a  fresh  pear  is  liable  to  be  nipped,  and  at 
least  has  no  claim  to  be  permitted  to  expand.  The  Sovereign  Pontiff  pear,  still  pendent, 
hangs  by  prescription,  but  any  future  specimen  of  that  fruit  which  the  gardeners 
of  the  Sacred  College  may  think  of  growing  in  its  place,  they  will  attempt  to  develope 
against  the  will  of  their  masters  the  Italian  people.  They  will  be  justly  entitled  to 
cultivate  a  pontifical  pear  for  themselves,  but  they  will  have  no  right  to  impose  a  pear 
corresponding  to  a  King  Pippin  on  the  nation  of  which  they  are  not  the  representa- 
tives. Enlightened  France  is  under  no  obligation  to  protect  any  future  pear,  and  will 
of  course  immediately  retire  from  the  orchard,  and  leave  the  pear-tree  in  the  rightful 
possession  of  Italy ;   if  of  an  armed  Italy,  then  of  an  Italy  that  will  hold  the  tree 


THE  TRIUMPHS  OF  OWEN. 

BY   THE   MUSE   OF  THE   MUSEUM. 

(Slightly  altered  from  Gray.) 

Owen's  praise  demands  my  song, 
Owen  wise  and  Owen  strong, 
But  in  spite  of  Owen  stout, 
All  the  beasts  must  toddle  out. 

Out  with  weazles,  ferrets,  skunks, 
Elephants,  come,  pack  your  trunks ; 
You  no  longer  dwell  with  us, 
Yawning  hippopotamus. 

Dusty,  straddling,  split  giraffe, 
You  have  stayed  too  long  by  half, 
Go  and  take  some  nice  fresh  air 
With  that  grim-eyed  Polar  bear. 

"  Eish,  fish,  fish,"  your  Duty  calls 
Somewhere  else  than  in  these  walls, 
Flounders,  you  must  go,  that 's  flat, 
With  the  salmon  and  the  sprat. 

Cloud  of  birds,  ascend  and  fly, 
Migrate  to  some  kinder  sky  : 
Perky,  shiny,  glittering  things, 
Leave  the  whig  that  holds  your  wings. 

Fossil  Man,  you  too  must  pack, 
Take  your  slab,  Sir,  on  your  back, 
Or,  if  you  'd  prefer  a  ride, 
Mount  the  Mammoth  by  your  side. 

Eggs,  be  blowed,  if  you'd  not  break, 
You  your  eggsit  now  must  make ; 
Yes,  your  yolk  must  turn  to  legs, 
Yes,  as  sure  as  eggs  is  eggs. 

All  those  myriad  butterflies, 
Pins  and  all,  must  please  to  rise, 
We  can  use  in  other  ways 
Miles  of  camphor-scented  trays. 

Diamonds  black,  and  diamonds  bright, 
Henceforth  charm  suburban  sight, 
Follow  beasts  and  birds  and  bones, 
All  you  tons  of  labelled  stones. 

From  that  yellowish  liquor  take 
Every  cod,  you  spotted  snake, 
"  Bonny  beetles  in  a  row," 
Stir  your  stumps,  for  you  must  go. 

Mother  Nature,  beat  retreat, 
Out,  M'm,  from  Great  Russell  Street ! 
Here,  in  future,  folks  shall  scan 
Nothing  but  the  works  of  Man, 

Yet  look  glad,  for  Owen  stands 
Moulding  Gladstone  to  his  hands ; 
Soon  you  '11  have  a  Palace  new, 
Worthy  Owen,  us,  and  you. 


Spite  Carried  to  its  Utmost  Malignity. 

An  ingenious  friend  of  ours  says  he  has  discovered 
the  secret  of  Nessus'  Shut.  He  says  it  was  a  shirt 
with  all  the  buttons  off.  It  was  sent  to  Hercules  pur- 
posely to  annoy  him,  and  the  effect  was,  that  every  time 
he  put  it  on,  the  absence  of  the  buttons  used  to  put 
Hercules  into  such  a  burning  rage,  that  ultimately  it 
was  the  death  of  him  ! 


November  16,  1881.] 


T> 


UNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


201 


WAR-SONG    FOR    THE    WSTLERS. 


UGGESTED     hi)       the 

tremendous  pro- 
ceedings at  their 
recent  dinner, 
when  Mr.  Glad- 
stone's impend- 
ing tyranny  was 
denounced  in  lan- 
guage which  must 
have  stirred  the 
very  brandy-and- 
water  of  every 
listener : — 

0,  froth  your  beer 
in  your  bubbly 
can, 

My  blatant,  bla- 
thering Publi- 
can. 

No  time  to   lose. 

For  your  vested 
goose 

Stem  Gladdy  will 
cook,  as  he  dou- 
bly can. 


Yes,  froth  your  beer  hi  your  bubbly  can, 
My  ungrammatical  Publican, 

For  Gladstone  's  prayed 

To  open  the  Trade, 
And  tax  the  Traffic,  my  Publican. 

So,  froth  your  beer  in  your  bubbly  can, 
My  frothy,  wrathy  Publican, 
For  the  tyrant  stands 
With  menacing  hands, 
Like  a  fierce  Tiinour,  or  a  Kublai  Khan. 

So  froth  your  beer  in  your  bubbly  can,  &c. 


ARMY  PREPARATION. 

The  assertion  has  been  made  that  British  officers  are  sometimes 
sadly  ignorant  of  English,  and  can  hardly  write  six  words  without  bad 
grammar  or  bad  spelling  in  them.  Whether  this  be  their  own  fault,  or 
the  fault  of  their  schoolmasters,  it  would  be  uo  easy  matter  to  deter- 
mine ;  but  that  their  teachers  are  occasionally  careless  in  their  lan- 
guage, a  glance  at  the  Times  newspaper  will  very  often  show.  Here 
for  instanceis  a  sample  which  we  extract  at  random  from  a  score  of 
such  advertisements,  which  daily  are  addressed  to  future  Wellingtons 
and  Napiers,  whose  education  for  the  army  is  at  present  incomplete  : — 

PREPARATION  for  the  Army,  Woolwich,  and  Sandhurst.— A  married 
J-  officer,  late  of  Her  Majesty's  Royal  Artillery,  whose  pupils  have  invariably 
passed  their  examinations  with  very  great  credit,  RECEIVES,  as  members  of  his 
family,  POUR  YOUNG  GENTLEMEN,  to  prepare  for  their  respective  destinations, 
and,  by  a  scientific  course  of  instruction,  render  them  efficient  officers  and  eligible 
to  hold  staff  appointments.  References  of  the  highest  respectability  and  most 
satisfactory  testimonials  are  offered.    Address  R.  A.,  &c. 

If  "ii"  has  a  dictionary,  and  will  take  the  trouble  to  refer  to  it, 
he  will  discover  that  "prepare"  has  the  letters  "  v.  a,"  put  with  it, 
implying  (he  knows  doubtless)  that  it  is  an  active  verb.  Being  such, 
it  requires  an  accusative  case  after  it,  and  therefore  the  word  "  them  " 
ought  to  be  supplied.  Whether  among  his  testimonials  "  P.  A."  have 
one  to  testify  his  knowledge  of  good  English,  is  a  matter  for  the  parents 
of  his  pupils  to  inquire;  but  if  grammar  be  embraced  in  his  "scientific 
course,"  we  really  think  the  less  they  learn  of  it  from  him,  the  more 
eligible  will  his  yoimg  gentlemen  be  for  staff  appointments  ;  albeit  such 
appointments  may  not  require  such  perfect  mastery  of  English  as  is 
required  of  men  appointed  on  Mr.  Punch's  staff. 

From  the  same  day's  Times  we  take  another  sample  of  bad  language, 
in  which  these  military  teachers  far  too  frequently  indulge  :— 

ARMY  EXAMINATIONS.— A  Clergyman,  M.A.,  RECEIVES  and 
-Ci  PREPARES  CANDIDATES  for  direct  appointments  in  Her  Majesty's  Service. 
Lately  he  has  passed  many  at  first  trial ;  several  after  a  few  weeks'  preparation. 
He  takes  only  a  few,  and  teaches  all  the  subjects  himself,  thus  insuring  their 
passing.  Late  beginners  and  those  backward  in  study  rapidly  and  efficiently 
advanced.     References  to  noblemen,  officers,  <fcc. 

From  his  clumsy  style  of  writing  one  might  fancy  that  this  clergyman 
not  merely  prepared  pupils  but  himself  examined  them  ;  for  he  states 
that  he  has  lately  "passed  many  at  first  trial/'  whereas  really  he  has 
done  no  more  than  help  them  to  be  passed.    His  next  sentence  is  even 


still  more  awkwardly  constructed  ;  for  when  he  tells  us  that  he  "  teaches 
all  the  subjects  himself,  thus  insuring  their  passing,"  by  all  the  rules 
of  grammar  we  are  bound  to  understand  that  it  is  the  "  subjects " 
whose  passing  he  insures,  and  this  is  very  obviously  by  no  means  bis 
intent. 

No  doubt  it  will  be  urged  that  no  one  cares  a  jot  how  an  advertise- 
ment be  written,  so  long  as  what  is  meant  be  comprehensible  and  plain. 
But  it  is  just  as  easy  for  an  educated  man  to  use  good  English  when  he 
writes  as  it  is  to  scribble  bad ;  and  when  we  see  such  careless  slipslop 
as  that  which  Ave  have  quoted,  we  are  tempted  to  the  inference  either 
that  the  writer  is  ignorant  of  grammar,  or  that  he  is  too  lazy  to  write 
out  his  advertisements,  and  so  lets  them  be  concocted  by  his  shoe-boy 
or  his  cook. 


CHANGE  PQR  PETER'S  PENCE. 

His  Holiness  the  Pope,  notwithstanding  the  quantities  of  bitterness 
which  he  has  continually  to  swallow,  and  the  lacerations  which  his 
paternal  heart  is  always  undergoing,  enjoys,  nevertheless,  no  small 
consolation  in  the  shape  of  Peter's  Pence,  and  the  state  which  those 
eleemosynary  coppers  enable  him  to  maintain.  For  example,  his  Holi- 
ness, the  other  day,  according  to  intelligence  received  from  Pome, 
went  to  dine  with  the  Benedictine  monks  at  the  monastery  of  St.  Paul, 
extra  muros,  where  military  honours  were  rendered  him  by  four  companies 
of  Papal  Zouaves  and  half  a  battery  of  artillery,  and : — 

"  Eight  cardinals,  three  French  generals,  numbers  of  ministers,  prelates,  monks, 
colonels  of  gendarmes  and  Zouaves,  and  other  ecclesiastical  and  lay  guests,  had  the 
honour  of  dining  with  his  Holiness,  and  of  listening  after  the  repast,  to  a  hymn  in 
the  Pontiff's  honour,  sung  by  200  youths,  to  each  of  whom  the  Pope  subsequently 
gave  a  silver  medal,  with  his  own  portrait  on  one  side,  and  that  of  the  Virgin  Mart 
on  the  other." 

The  honour  which  his  Holiness  did  himself  in  issuing  a  medal  thus 
stamped  indicates  a  feature  which  pictures  of  Pomau  Pontiffs  represent 
most  of  them  as  largely  endowed  with— cheek.  _  He  can  afford  some 
ostentation  by  means  of  Peter's  pence  changed  into  silvei\  He  is  not 
then  so  badly' off.  Come,  the  Pope  he  does  lead  a  happy  life  after  all. 
Far  from  not  knowing  where  to  lay  his  head  or  to  find  a  meal,  his 
Holiness  seems  to  enjoy  himself  pretty  much  after  the  fashion  of  the 
Lord  Mayor,  of  London,  with  the  occasional  addition  of  having  a 
hymn  sung  in  his  honour  by  two  hundred  choristers,  wherein  PioNono 
has  the  advantage  of  Cubitt. 

It  may  here  be  remarked  that  there  exists  a  certain  analogy  between 
the  Civic  Monarch  and  the  Sovereign  Pontiff.  Both  are  elective  sove- 
reigns :  but  the  Lord  Mayor  is  elected  by  the  Livery,  who_  represent 
the  City  of  London,  whereas  the  Pope  is  chosen  by  the  Cardinals,  who 
represent  only  the  Romish  Priesthood.  Moreover  the  Pope  not  only 
rules  Pome,  but  claims  to  rule  the  adjoining  states  now  part  of  the 
kingdom  of  Italy.  The  Lord  Mayor,  however,  confines  his  ambition 
within  the  limits  of  the  City,  and  tdoes  not  also  pretend  to  reign  over 
the  metropolitan  counties. 

Undoubtedly  the  resemblance  between  the  Pope  and  the  Lord  Mayor 
is  infinitely  closer  than  another  which  has  been  suggested.  Cardinal 
Bedini,  Archbishop  of  Viterbo  and  Toscanella,  recently  invested  with 
red  wideawake  and  stockings,  in  a  pastoral  letter  addressed  to  his 
diocesans  on  the  institution  amongst  them  of  a  Pious  Confraternity  of 
the  obolus  of  St.  Peter,  or  society  for  the  circumvection  of  the  Triple 
Hat,  after  highly  commending  the  devotion  which  loads  the  hat  with 
the  obolus,  proceeds  to  institute  that  other  comparison.  In  the  words 
of  our  informant : — 

"  His  Eminence  goes  on  to  compare  these  gifts  to  the  offei-ings  of  the  wise  men  of 
the  East  to  our  Redeemer,  '  whose  example  is  so  well  followed  by  his  Vicar  on 
earth,'  and  winds  up  by  inviting  his  flock  to  follow  likewise  the  faithful  star, 
which,  represented  by  the  pious  association,  invites  them  like  the  Magi,  to  place 
their  tribute  at  the  feet  of  the  persecuted  Man-God  (ai  piedi  del  perscguitato  Uom- 
Dio.)" 

The  banquet  which  the  Holy  Father  enjoyed  at  the  monastery  of  St. 
Paul  certainly  appears  rather  to  find  a  parallel  in  the  festival  of  the 
Ninth  of  November  than  that  of  any  other  memorable  day.  The  like- 
ness between  the  Magi  or  wise  men  of  the  east  and  the  subscribers  of 
Peter's  pence,  alleged  by  Cardinal  Bedini,  is  also  very  questionable ; 
for  the  latter  may  be  truly  said  to  differ  as  well  from  wise  men  as  from 
Magi  in  the  essential  particular  of  being  no  conjurors,  inasmuch  as  they 
must  necessarily  belong  to  a  class  of  persons  who  are  proverbially  said 
to  be  expeditious  in  parting  with  then-  money. 


Sarcasm. 

In  the  Cornhill  Magazine  is  an  article  called  A  Week 
in  Sarlc.  ,  A  Scotch  friend  writes  to  us  to  say  that  he 
with  the  writer,  for  his  own  laundress  has  stolen  all  liis 


's  Imprisonment 
can  sympathise 
night-gowns. 


Hint  to  a  Peace-Loving  Neighbour.— France's  financier  may 
be  Fould,  but  England  will  not. 


202 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[November  1G,  1861. 


KcL .  im.  thv>-  o  tragic//  S  i 


V, 


ml 


AN  ORDER  WE  HOPE  TO  SEE  ISSUED  FROM  SCOTLAND  YARD. 

"  The  Police  have  strict  orders  to  Bonnet,  put  in  a  Sack,  and  Lock  up 
all  Urchins  who  disturb  the  Peace  of  the  Metropolis  by  screaming  out 
'Dixies'  Land.'  " 


MINIMISED  MUSIC. 

Not  in  any  way  connected  with  Lord  Bacon's  Novum 
Organon,  a  new  organ  has  been  patented  bearing  the  new 
title  of  the  "  Minima  Organ."  Among  other  good  qualities, 
it  is  said  to  have  "great  compass,"  notwithstanding  its 
small  size,  and  such  '  power  of  expression"  and  "  sweet- 
ness of  tone,"  as  must  subdue  and  mollify  the  sourest  of 
the  critics.  Moreover,  it  is  very  "  delicately  voiced,"  and 
although  intended  chiefly,  of  course,  to  please  the  ear,  it 
is  not  devoid  of  ocular  attractions ;  for  like  a  gent  in  a 
police  court,  it  has  an  "elegant  exterior,"  and  nobody 
who  makes  its  acquaintance  can  deny  that  there  certainly 
is  something  of  the  Swell  about  it.  Its  chief  excellence, 
however,  is  its  marked  economy  of  space  as  well  as  cost, 
and  the  saving  it  effects  will  doubtless  highly  recommend 
it  to  people  with  small  parlours  and  purses  made  to 
match. 

This  much  we  have  learnt  from  a  description  of  the  organ 
which  the  Times  and  Morning  Post,  and  several  other  organs 
of  opinion,  have  supplied.  All  that  we  would  add  is,  that 
if  what  is  said  be  true,  we  trust  that  the  street  organists 
will  soon  be  furnished  with  these  organs,  instead  of  the 
old  cracked-voiced  squeaking  instruments  of  torture  where- 
with they  have  been  hitherto  permitted  to  torment  us. 
To  victims  like  ourselves,  who  unhappily  are  gifted  with  a 
good  ear  for  good  music  (and  therefore  suffer  aural  martyr- 
dom, of  course,  when  hearing  bad),  it  would  be  a  great  relief 
were  street  organs  invested  with  a  "  sweetness  of  tone,"  in 
lieu  of  the  shrill  harshness  wherewith  they  now  afflict  us  • 
and  if  they  were  made  more  "  delicately  voiced,"  we  should 
be  less  apt  to  consider  them  a  nuisance.  We  wish  then 
that  some  affluent  and  charitable  people  would  get  up  a 
society  to  furnish  these  new  organs  to  the  grinders  in  the 
streets,  and  give  them  some  instruction  so  to  play  upon 
the  "  Minima,"  that  they  may  extract  a  minimum  of  noise 
from  it.  Of  street  organs  we  may  say  that  the  less  they  're 
heard  the  better:  and  for  such  purpose  the  "Minima" 
seems  evidently  fit,  as  of  all  organs  its  name  implies  that 
it  must  be  the  least.  We  are  ever  willing  to  encourage 
good  inventions ;  and  as  these  small  organs  must  be  suited 
lor  small  parties,  we  grant  hereby  our  gracious  permission 
to  then-  maker  to  forward  us  a  dozen  as  a  present  to  our 
little  ones,  who,  not  being  like  the  Minimas,  at  all  "  deli- 
cately voiced,"  would  doubtless  shriek  and  shout  their 
shrillest  at  the  sight  of  such  nice  playthings,  i.e.,  things 
whereon  to  play. 


OUR    FEMALE    IRONSIDES. 

Crinoline  is  now  assuming  proportions  which  can  only  be  correctly 
described  as  Cyclopean.  It  has  taken  a  position  as  an  article  of  hard- 
ware on  a  gigantic  scale.  What  it  has  come  to  will  be  terrifically 
obvious  from  the  subjoined  advertisement,  cut  out  of  the  Sheffield  In- 
dependent : — 

WANTED,  a  Cold  CRINOLINE  ROLLER,  to  work  six  pairs  of  Rolls. 
None  but  first-rate  Workmen  and  steady  men  will  be  engaged.     Apply  to  W. 
H.  Brown  &  Co.,  Albion  Iron  and  Steel  Works. 

Sheffield  is  the  only  place  where  the  manufacture  of  Crinoline  is 
possible,  now  that  the  forges  of  Etna  have  ceased  working.  When 
Vulcan  forged  the  bolts  of  Jove,  he  little  dreamt  of  being  called  upon 
to  forge  the  petticoats  of  Venus.  As  the  husband  of  that  goddess,  he 
would  have  objected  to  her  wearing  steel  petticoats,  and  in  his  capacity 
of  blacksmith  would  at  least  have  declined  to  make  them.  Wanted,  at 
an  Iron  and  Steel  Works,  "  a  Cold  Crinoline  Roller."  What  monstrous 
engine  is  that  which  the  Cold  Crinoline  Roller  has  to  manage ;  of 
how  many  horse-power  to  work  six  pairs  of  Rolls  ?  One,  evidently, 
whose  tremendous  powers  can  only  be  trusted  in  the  hands  of  a 
first-rate  workman  and  a  steady  man.  Fancy  the  iron  clang  attend- 
ant on  the  obstinate  resistance  offered  by  the  cold  hard  Crinoline  to  the 
forcible  operation  of  rolling.  In  its  previous  hot  stage,  glowing  red  on 
the  stithy,  Crinoline  must  present  a  sight  of  appalling  splendour.  Ho  ! 
ho !  how  the  sparks  must  flash  and  fly  from  the  ruddy  ribs  of  steel 
under  the  thumps  of  the  contemporary  Tubal-Caln,  or  more  probably, 
the  strokes  of  the  Nasmyth  steam-hammer ! 

We  have  now  both  steel  clad  men  of  war  and  steel-clad  women,  and 
the  same  powerful  machinery  as  that  required  for  plating  a  vessel  seems 
necessary  to  case  the  female  sex  in  mail.  Our  steam  rams  walk  the 
waters,  or  ought  to  do  so  by  this  time ;  and  perhaps  we  shall  soon 
have  steam  ewes,  so  to  speak,  walking  the  thoroughfares  in  armour, 
and  running  the  unfortunate  passengers  down.  The  maidens  of  England 
will  be  so  strongly  fortified  that  they  will  be  susceptible  of  no  impres- 


sion from  auy  force  under  that  of  an  Armstrong  gun.  They  are  already 
coming  it  a  good  deal  too  strong  in  their  steel  casings,  and  carrying 
more  metal  than  what  a  reasonable  man  would  willingly  take  in  tow. 
The  rolls  of  cold  Crinoline  with  which  they  encircle  themselves  are  an 
eyesore  and  an  inconvenience  against  which  it  is  much  to  be  wished 
that  an  application  to  the  Master  of  the  Rolls  could  procure  an 
injunction. 


WILL  YOU  BUY  ME  THEN  AS  NOW  ? 

{The  Indian  Cotton  Question.) 

You  have  told  me  that  you  want  me,  and  of  course  the  truth  you 

speak, 
For  your  looms  half  time  are  working,  and  your  cotton  you  've  to 

seek. 
No  "  American  "  obtaining,  under  that  severe  blockade 
By  the  Northern  States  established,  which  suspends  the  Southern 

But  if  North  and  South  should  happen  ever  to  conclude  their  row 
Ere  the  ruin  of  their  commerce,  will  you  buy  me  then  as  now  ? 

Somewhat  lower  price  that  other  article  may  then  combine 
With  a  quality  superior  in  a  small  degree  to  mine. 
Money  having  been  invested  in  the  labour  and  the  land 
Needful  for  my  cultivation,  with  a  view  to  your  demand, 
Can  I  trust  that  you'll  continue  faithful  to  your  present  vow  ? 
Better  market  once  more  open,  will  you  buy  me  then  as  now  ? 


Logical  and  Theological. 

The  Mormons,  through  Mr.  Brigham  Young,  have  sent  in  their 
adhesion  to  the  North.  Of  course.  The  leading  doctrine  of  Mormomsm 
is  Union  without  Affection. 


Printed  by  William  Bradbury,  of  No.  13,  Upper  Woburn  Place,  and  Frederick  Mullett  Evans,  of  No.  19,  Queen's  Road  West,  Regent's  Park,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Pancras,  in  the  County  of  Middlesex, 
Printers,  at  their  Office  in  Lombard  Street,  in  the  Precinct  of  Whitefnars,  in  the  City  of  Lonlon,  and  Published  by  them  at  No.  83,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  City  of  Irfmiioo.— 


Saturday,  November  1G,  1301. 


This  day  is  Published,  Price  2s.  6d. , 

PUNCH'S    POCKET-BOOK    FOE    1862. 

With  a  Coloured  Illustration  (THE  GAME  OF  CROQUET)  by  John  Leech,  and  numerous  Woodcuts  by  John  Leech 

and  John  Tenniel. 

PUBLISHED  AT  THE  PUNCH  OFFICE,  85,  FLEET  STREET,  and  sold  by  all  Booksellers  in  Town  and  Country. 


NEW   LEGAL   and  COMMERCIAL    JOURNAL.-The   GAZETTE   of  BANKRUPTCY 
is  Published  every  Wednesday  and  Saturday  Morning.    Price  2d.,  stamped,  m. 

"  By  reference  to  it  any  Creditor  will  be  able  at  once  to  ascertain  the  position  of  any  Estate  in  which  he  is  interested."— Times. 

"  The  recent  important  change  in  the  law  renders  the  new  Journal  particularly  well  timed."— Daily  News.  [Office:— 26,  Bell  Yard,  Lincoln's  Inn. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI— November  23,  1861. 


Just  Published,  36th  Thousand,  7«-  6*. 

S OYER'S  MODERN  HOUSE- 
WIFE.  Comprising  Receipts  for  the 
Preparation  of  Every  Meal  of  the  day,  and  for  the 
Nursery  and  Sick  Room.  By  the  late  Alexis  Soyfr. 
With  illustrations. 

"  Should   be  in  the  hands  of  every  keeper  of  a 
kitchen  and  larder  in  the  kingdom."— Lancet. 
London:   Simpkin,  Marshall  &  Co. 


"  For  fiction  read  Scott  alone:  all  novels  after  his 
are  worthless."— Charlotte  Bronte. 


WAVERLE 


Complete  sets  at  the  following  prices: 
£2  2.9.     THE   PEOPLE'S    EDITION,  in  5 
large  Volumes,  Koyal  Svo,  with  lO'i  large  wood- 
cuts.   The  cheapest  edition  published. 

£3  105.     THE  CABINET  EDITION,  in  25 

handy  Volumes,  with  Frontispiece  and  Vignette. 
Each  Volume  contains  an  entire  novel. 

£6  105.  THE  EDITION  OF  1847,  in  4S 
Vols.  12mo.,  with  Frontispiece  and  Vignette. 
Printed  in  very  readable  type.  Each  Novel  is 
divided  into  Two  Vols. 

£10  10s.  THE  NEW  ILLUSTRATED 
EDITION,  in  -18  Vols.  Fcap.  Hvo.,  with  upwards 
of  1500  Woodcuts  and  96  Steel  Engravings. 
Printed  from  a  New  and  beautiful  type.  This 
Edition  is  a  combination  of  the  Abbotsford  and 
the  Author's  favourite  Edition. 

£13  25.  THE  LIBRARY  EDITION,  in  25 
Vols.  Demy  8vo,  with  204  beautiful  Steel  En- 
gravings by  the  most  eminent  Artists  of  their 
time,  and  printed  in  largeand  legible  type.  This 
Edition,  which  cost  <;£15,000  in  its  production, 
should  find  a  place  in  every  gentleman's  library. 
Edinburgh:  Adam  &  Charles  Black. 


Second  Edition,  with  10  coloured  plates,  ~s.  6rf. 

?PHE    HENWIFE;     HER 

•»  own  Experience  in  Her  own  Poultry- 
Yard.  By  Mrs.  Fergusson  Blair, of  Balthayock, 
Perths. 

Edinburgh  :  Thomas  C.  Jack. 

London:  Hamilton  &  Co. 

THE     CANADIAN      NEWS 

A  every  THURSDAY.  Price  :id.  Post 
Free,  id. 

P.  Algar,  Colonial  Newspaper  Agency,  11, Clement's 
Lane,  E.C. 

REDUCTION   IN  PRICE  OF 

J*  THE  ATHENJ3UM.  The  Proprietors, 
taking  advantage  of  the  Abolition  of  the  Paper 
Dutv,  have  resolved  that  from  this  day,  the  Price 
shall  be  REDUCED  to  THREEPENCE. 

If  HE  COHNHILL  MAGA- 
*  ZINE. 

ONE  SHILLING  MONTHLY.  Illustrated. 
Smith,  Elder,  &  Co.,  65,  Cornhill. 


ANTED,     LEFT-QFE 

CLOTHES,  Uniforms,  Furniture, 
Miscellaneous  Property,  &e.  The  highest  price 
given.  Ladies  or  Gentlemen  waited  on  by  addressing 
to  Mr.  or  Mrs.  G.  II  yam,  10,  Beak  Street,  Resent 
Street,  W.;  or  Parcels  being;  sent,  the  utmost  value 
in  cash  immediately  remitted.    Established  1820. 


pATENT  Indestructible  Mineral  Teeth, 
and  Flexible  Gums  without  Palares,  Springs  or 
Wires,  and  without  any  operation.  "One  Set  lasts 
a  Lifetime,"  and  warranted  for  every  purposeof  mas- 
tication or  articulation,  even  when  all  others  fail. 
Purest  materials  and  first-class  workmanship  at 
half  the  usual  cost. 
No.  27,  HARLEY  STREET,    CAVENDISH    SO., 

and:(4,  LUDGATE  HILL..  LONDON; 

hh,  NEW  STREET.  BIRMINGHAM; 

134,  DUKE   STREET,  LIVERPOOL. 


CHARLES    READE'S    NEW  NOVEL,    "THE    CLOISTER    AND 

THE  HEARTH." 

A  MATTER  OF  FACT  ROMANCE,  by  the  Author  of  "  It's  Never  Too  Late  to  Mend," 
is  now  ready,  and  to  be  had  at  all  respectable  libraries.    4  Vols.     Price  £1  lis.  6d. 
TRUBNER  &  Co.,  Paternoster  Row. 


DR.  DE  JONGH'S 

{Knight  of  the  Order  of  Leopold  of  Belgium) 


light-b: 


COB  LIVER  OIL 


Prescribed  by  the  most  eminent  Medical  Men  throughout  the  world  as  the  safest,  speediest, 
and  most  effectual  remedy  for 

CONSUMPTION,   CHRONIC   BRONCHITIS,  ASTHMA,  COUGHS,    RHEUMATISM,  GOUT, 

GENERAL    DEBILITY,    DISEASES   OF   THE   SKIN,    RICKETS,  INFANTILE  WASTING, 

AND   ALL  SCROFULOUS  AFFECTIONS, 

Is  incomparably  Superior  to  every  other  Variety. 

SELECT   MEDICAL    OPINIONS  : 

SIR  HENRY  MARSH,  Bart.,  M.D.,  Physician  in  Ordinary  to  the  Queen  in 
Ireland. — "  I  consider  Dr.  de  Jongh's  Cod  Liver  Oil  to  be  a  very  pure  Oil,  not  likely  to  create 
disgust,  and  a  therapeutic  agent  of  great  value." 

SIR  JOSEPH  OLLIFFE,  M.D.,  Physician  to  the  British  Embassy  at  Paris.— 
"  I  have  frequently  prescribed  Dr.  de  Jongh's  Light  Brown  Cod  Liver  Oil,  and  I  have  every 
reason  to  be  satisfied  with  its  beneficial  and  salutary  effects." 

DR.  LtNKESTER,  F.R.S.— "  I  deem  the  Cod  Liver  Oil  sold  under  Dr.  de  Jongh's 
guarantee  to  be  preferable  to  any  other  kind  as  regards  genuineness  and  medicinal  efficacy." 

D&.  LAWRANCE,  Physician  to  H.R.H.  the  Duke  of  Saxe-Coburg  and  Gotha.— "I 
invariably  prescribe  Dr.  de  Jongh's  Oil  in  preference  to  any  other,  feeling  assured  that  I  am. 
recommending  a  genuine  article,  and  not  a  manufactured  compound  in  which  the  efficacy  of 
this  invaluable  medicine  is  destroyed."     

Dr.  de  Jongh's  Light-Brown  Cod  Liver  Oil  is  sold  only  in  imperial  half-pints,  2s.  Go!. ; 
pints,  is.  9d.  ;  quarts  9s.  ;  capsuled  and  labelled  with  his  stamp  and  signature,  without  which 
none  can  possibly  be  GENUINE,  by  respectable  Chemists. 

Sole  Consignees  :— ANSAR,  HARFORD,  &.  Co.,  77,  Strand,  London,  W.C. 
CAUTION. — Beware  of  Proposed  Substitutions. 


.    f  ^£f*'  ^ 


For  Coughs,  Colds,  Sore  Throats,  Hoarseness,  &c. 

PREPARED  SOLELY  FROM  THE 


o 


K      C 


U 


n 


R  A  N  T. 


These  Lozenges,  in  which  the  acidity  of  the  Black  Currant  is  concentrated  in  the  highest 
degree,  afford  great  relief  to  Aged  and  Consumptive  persons,  particularly  at  night.  Public 
Speakers  and  Singers  also  find  them  very  beneficial.  A  few,  dissolved  iti  water,  make  a  pleasant 
Cooling  Drink  in  scarlet  and  other  fevers. 

As  attempts  to  pass  off  other  black  currant  lozenges  as  equally  efficacious  are  numerous,  be 
careful  to  ask  for  "ALLNUTT'S  FRUIT  LOZENGES,"  prepared  only  by  the  Proprietor, 
FREDERICK  ALLNUTT,  (late  Allnctt  and  Son,)  12  &  13,  Chapel  Row,  Portsea.. 

Sold  only  in  Boxes  at  Is.  lid.  each,  and  in  larger  Boxes,  (one  containing  three)  at  2s.  6d.  each, 
by  one  or  more  Patent  Medicine  Vendors  in  each  Town  in  the  United  Kingdom.  Where  also 
may  be  had  prepared  by  the  above,  AROMATIC  FUMIGATING  OR  PASTILE  PAPER. 
This  Article  from  the  certainty  of  its  smouldering  and  its  great  fragrance,  is  found  invaluable 
in  the  *ick  room,  or  on  a  sea  voyage,  in  removing  the  closeness  of  the  room  or  cabin,  and  in 
overcoming  any  unpleasant  effluvia,  from  whatever  cause  arising. 

Sold  in  Packets,  6d.  each.     A  Packet  forwarded  free  by  post  on  receipt  of  six  stamps. 


"  Perfection  of  Mechanism." — Morning  Post. 
GOLD  5  to  100  Gs. :    SILVER  2  to  50  Gs. 

Send  Two  Stamps  for  Benson's  Illustrated  Pamphlet,  descriptive  of 
every  construction  of  Watch  now  made,  with  their  prices. 

Watches  sent  to  all  parts  of  the  Kingdom  free  by 
Post,  or  to  India  and  the  Colonies  for  Ss.  extra. 

S3  &  31,  Ludgate  Hill,  and  46  &  47,  Cornhill,  London,  E.C. 
Established  174-9. 


S 


,c. 


pERSONS  of  any  age,  however  bad  their  writing,  may,  in  EIGHT  LESSONS,  acquire  per- 
■*-  mauently  an  elegant  and  flowing  Style  of  Penmanship,  adapted  either  to  professional 
pursuits  or  private  correspondence.  Arithmetic  on  a  method  requiring  only  one-third  the  time 
usually  requisite.  Book-keeping,  as  practised  in  the  Government,  Banking,  and  Merchants' 
Offices  ;  Short-hand,  &c.  For  Terms,  &c,  apply  to  Mr.  SMART,  at  the  Institution,  The  First 
Private  Door  in  Swallow  Street,  Quadrant,  London,  removed  from  No.  5,  Piccadilly. 

***  Caution.— No  connexion  with  parties  travelling  in  the  Provinces  assuming  the  name, 
copyingtheadvertisements,  &c,  of  Mr.  William  Smart,  whose  onlyaddress  is— The  First  Private 
Door  in  Swallow  Street,  Quadrant,  Regent  Street,  London. 
ESTABLISHED  UPWARDS  OF  25  TEARS.— Private  and  Carnage  Entrance  in  Swallow  Street. 

ICON'S    EIDER-B0WM    QUILTS, 

From  One  Guinea  to  Ten  Guineas.     Also  GOOSE  DOWN  QUILTS,  from  8s.  6d.  to  24s. 

List  of  Prices  and  Sizes  sent  free  by  post.     HEAL  &  SON'S  Illustrated  Catalogue  of  Bedsteads 

and  Priced  List  of  Bedding  also  sent  post  free.     190,  Tottenham  Court  Road,  W. 


POR   GENTLEMEN -THE   NEW   GOODS   EOR  THE  PRESENT 

■*»  Season  are  now  ready,  in  all  the  new  and  various  makes  and  materials  for  Over-coats, 
Trousers,  and  Waistcoats.  Several  new  styles  of  Over-coats  kept  ready  for  inspection.  An  early 
visit  respectfully  solicited. 

EXCELLENCE  WITH  ECONOMY. 

GEORGE  HOBSON,    57,   Lombard  Street. 


110    CHARGE    MADE    FOR    STAMPING    PAPER 

•A*  and  ENVELOPES  with  ARMS,  CREST,  or  INITIALS.— RODRIGUES' 
superior  cream-laid  adhesive  ENVELOPES,  -id.  per  100;  cream-laid  note,  full-size,  five  quires 
for  IV/. ;  thick  ditto.  ti"e  quires  for  Is. ;  superfine  foolscap.  9s.  per  ream  ;  sermon  paper.  4s.  firf. 

WEDDING  CAKDS,  WEDDING  ENVELOPES,  INVITATIONS  to  the  CEREMONY, 
DEJEUNER  and  BALI.,  I'lUNTED  and  STAMPED  in  SILVER,  with  ARMS  or  CHEST 
in  the  latest  fashion.  CARD-PLATE  ELEGANTLY  ENGRAVED  and  100  SUTEltFlNt 
CARDS  PRINTED  for  4«  Hi. 

Observe,  at  HENRY  RODRIGUES'  well-known  Establishment,  42,  Piccadilly,  two  doors 
from  Saekville  Street,  W. 


ITOLLOWAY'S     OINTMENT 

■8.A.  AND  PILLS.— BOUGHT  EXPERI- 
ENCE. To  sufferers  from  the  racking  pains  of 
Rheumatism  and  Gout,  these  soothing  remedies 
will  prove  a  perfect  God-send.  They'  lessen  the 
inflammation  and  remove  the  exquisite  sensibility 
of  the  nerves,  when  pain  gradually  ceases. 


KNICKERBOCKER  SUITS. 

Fine  German  Wool,  *3  3s.;  Australian  Wool 
<*2  lis.  id. ;  Cheviot  Wool,  £\  15s.;  Mixed  Wool' 
£1  Is. 

PATENT  LACERNA. 

Fine  Germau  Wool,  i3;  Australian  Wool   -£■■■  10.  r,d  ■ 

CheviotWool.il  10s.;  Mixed  Wool,  lis. .id. 

WING  CAPE. 

Fine  German  Wool,  £2  12s.  6-f. ;   Australian  Wool 

£2  2s.;  Cheviot  Wool,£l  5s.;  Mixed  Wool,  10s.  hd. 

H.  J.  &  D.  NicoIl's  fashionable  winter  dress  for 
young  gentlemen. 

114,  116.  118,  Resent  Street:  22,  Cornhill;  and  10, 
St.  Ann's  Square,  Manchester. 


'°tl£jCS/rld '& '& 


ROWLANDS'  MACASSAR  OIL,  for  promoting 
the  Growth,  Restoring  and  Beautifying  the  Human 
Hair. 

ROWLANDS'  KALYDOR  for  Improving  and 
Beautifying  the  Complexion  and  Skin,  and  Eradi- 
cating Cutaneous  defects. 

ROWLANDS'  ODONTQ,  or  Pearl  Dentifrice,  for 
the  Teeth.  Gums,  and  Breath. 

Sold  at  20,  Hatton  Garden,  and  by  Chemists  and 
Perfumers. 


.-'- 


Q      3      every  flower  that    "\ 
breathes  a  fragrance. 


WHITE    ROSE,    MYRTLE 

FRANGIPANNI 
PERFUME   OF    PARADISE 

\  ^O  AND   A.  THOUSAND   OTHERS. 

^\  Jj    is.  G<1.  each  "Bottle,  or  Three      cy  'M 
%  .*%         Bottles  in  a  pretty  -p"  ^ 

%.-■&  jn        Box  Is.  V    i 

^S$d  Street ^f 

v-S^; — — — z^-  •ev*  * 


AUTUMN  PARIS  BONNETS. 

&&>  — Madame  Parsons,  92,  Regent  Street, 

also  26  and  27,  Burlington  Arcade. 

N.B.  Not  connected  with  anr  other  house  whatever. 


EAU  DE  VXE.-THXS  PURE 
BRANDY,    ISs.   per   gallon ;    39s.  per 
dozen  Case,  is  to  be  obtained  only  direct  from 
Henry  Brett  &  Co.,  Old  Furnival's  Distillery, 
Holborn,  E.C. 


EIMM  EL'S 
PERFUME    VAPO- 
RISER, as   used  on  board  of 
Her  Majesty's    Steam    Yacht, 
destroys  all  unpleasant  smells, 
and  creates  a  most  delightful 
and  refreshing-  fragrance- 
Recommended  by  Dr.  Lethe- 
b*  and  other  medical  men. 
Price  from  Gs. 
Rimmel,  Perfumer. 
9fi,  Strand,  and  21,  Cornhill. 


TUNNEFORD'S 

Af  (a  pure  Solution)  is 


MAGNESIA 

an  excellent  Re- 
medy for  Acidity  of  the  Stomach,  Heartburn,  Head- 
ache, Gout,  and  Indigestion,  and  as  a  Mild  Aperient 
for  delicate  Constitutions. 
17'2,  New  Bond  Street,  London;  and  all  Chemists. 


November  23,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


20? 


ST.    DISRAELI    TO    THE    RESCUE. 

O  the  accomplished  Author  of 
the  Infernal  Marriage, 
Ixion  in  Heaven,  and 
other  theological  works 
(need  we  name,  Mr. 
Disraeli),  has  been 
delivering,  before  the 
Bishop  of"  Oxford,  and 
all  sorts  of  Archdeacons, 
a  speech  on  Church 
Matters.  It  was  an  ex- 
tremely clever  and  effec- 
tive performance,  and 
the  lay  orator  walked 
into  the  Essays  and  Re- 
views with  a  far  more 
smashing  criticism  than 
3  Mr.  Punch  has  seen  put 

m?  "=    —  fHI--    =_%  H  forth  by  any  of  the  cle- 

JUy _. Jf_^  ===s=jB|  _E^--        . ;  i|p  rical    assailants  of   the 

book,  the  Bishop-maker 

included.     This  part  of 

jffyaJY  g#>.  ^=g|  -^s^vrr^.         •  the   speech  is   so  good 

^^^K^ArJm^^^W^-  that  Mr.  Punch    (who, 

from  circumstances  over 
which  he  has  no  control, 
is  infrequently  permit- 
ted the  satisfaction  of 
applauding  _  Mr.  Dis- 
raeli^ inclines  to  im- 
mortalise a  few  of  his 
sentences.  After  de- 
claring _  his  belief  that 
the  principal  Authors 
,       ...    i,    .  ,    .  .  .  •  ;      .,,      ,  of  the  Essays  had  en- 

gagements with  Society  inconsistent  with  what  was  recommended  in  the  book]  (a 
delicate  way  of  saying,  that  people  who  took  the  Church's  honours  and  pay  had  no 
right  to  discredit  her  doctrines),  Mr.  Disraeli  gave  a  little  sketch  of  German 
theology.  This  formerly  Mysticism,  became,  he  said,  Critical,  and  was  maintained 
by  the  Bationabsts  :— 

"But  where  is  Rationalism,  and  where  are  Rationalists  now?  They  have  ceased  to  exist- 
they  have  been  erased  from  the  intellectual  tablets  of  living  opinion  Another  school  of 
philosophical  theologians  arose  in  Germany,  and  with  profound  learning  and  inexorable  logic 
they  proved  that  rationalism  was  irrational— {laughter)— and  they  substituted  for  the  rational 


scheme  of  the  interpretation  of  the  Scriptures  a  new  scheme  called  the 
Mythical  system.  But  if  it  be  true,  which  undoubtedly  it  is,  that  the 
mythical  theologians  triumphantly  demonstrated  that  rationalism 
was  irrational,  equally  true  is  it  that  by  this  time  the  mythical  system 
has  itself  become  a  myth.  (Cheers  and  laughter.)  The  most  eminent 
and  most  distinguished  votaries  of  that  school  have  enlisted  their 
energies  and  devoted  their  powers  to  a  new  and  all-triumphant  deve- 
lopenient  of  German  theology,  which  is  now  raging  in  that  country, 
and  which,  in  deference  to  the  spirit  of  progress,  which  is  the  charac- 
teristic, as  we  are  told,  of  the  nineteenth  century,  and  which  generally 
ends  in  a  recurrence  to  ancient  ideas — (cheers  and  laughter) — this  new 
system  consists  in  a  most  able  revival  of  pagan  pantheism.  (Cheers.) 
Now,  that  is  a  literally  true  sketch  of  the  various  phases  through 
which  the  most  intellectual  opinion  of  Germany  during  the  last 
century  has  passed.  (Hear,  hear.)  I  ask  you,  is  the  Church  to  be 
alarmed  by  such  overreaching  and  capricious  speculations  as  these  ? 
(hear)— and  is  society  to  be  disturbed  by  a  volume  which  is  alter  all 
but  a  secondhand  medley  of  these  discordant,  inconsistent,  and  self- 
destroying  theories  ?  No  religious  creed  was  ever  destroyed  by  a  phi- 
losophical theory.  Philosophies  destroy  themselves.  Epicurus  was 
at  least  as  great  a  man,  I  apprehend,  as  Hkgel,  yet  it  was  not  En- 
curus  that  subverted  the  Olympian  religion." 

So  far,  Mr.  Punch  has  nothing  but  praise  for  his  friend 
Mr.  Disraeli.  He  speaks  like  a  scholar  and  an  orator. 
But  on  the  other  points  on  which  it  pleased  the  author  of 
Couingsby  to  champion  the  Church,  Mr.  Punch  is  by  no 
means  so  sure  that  the  respected  Lady  will  do  well  to 
follow  Mr.  Disraeli's  advice.  He  certainly  recommended 
Unity,  which  is  a  very  good  thing  in  its  way,  but  his  coun- 
sel to  the  clergy  to  stand  shoulder  to  shoulder,  and  take 
theological  matters  out  of  the  hands  of  laymen,  may  not-  be 
quite  so  prudent,  in  days  when  it  is  really  only  a  question 
of  "  worth  while"  whether  Lord  Palmerston  shall  ecraser 
the  Parsons'  Parliament,  Convocation,  or  not.  And  upon 
the  Church  Bate  Question,  Mr.  Punch  submits  that  if  the 
Church  should  take  the  ground  recommended  by  the  author 
of  Tancred,  and  go  in  for  the  Bate  in  all  its  integrity  and 
accept  no  compromise,  Archbishop  Punch  foresees  great 
trouble  in  his  archiepiscopate.  In  fact  the  counsel  of  Mr. 
Disraeli  will  exactly  do  what  he  said  the  Societies  he  was 
addressing  did — it  will  "Form  one  great  whole" — in  which 
hole  the  Church  will  find  itself.  However,  we  will  talk  over 
this  matter  with  him  when  we  meet  at  Philippi;  meantime 
we  compliment  him  on  his  brilliant  speech,  and  fear  he  has 
too  much  brains  to  fight  decorously  the  battle  of  Bosh. 


The  Beal  Ruler  op  Prance. — By  an  Extraordinary 
Gazette  published  in  the  Moniteur  of  November  14th, 
"  M.  Pould  has  been  nominated  Minister  of  Finance,  in 
place  of  Napoleon  the  Third  resigned." 


SABBATARIAN  ESPIONAGE. 

On  Monday  last  week,  according  to  a  police  report  at  Hammersmith, 

"  Mrs.  Sarah  Starbuck,  the  landlady  of  the  Cannon  public-house,  Queen  Street, 
Hammersmith,  was  summoned  before  Mr.  Dayman  to  answer  the  complaint  of  the 
Police,  for  having  her  house  open  on  Sunday  morning,  the  3rd  inst. ,  before  one 
o  clock." 

This  charge  was  supported  by  the  solitary  evidence  of  a  spy  :— 

"The  only  witness  in  this  case  was  Police  Constable  Woodbridge  of  the  J  Division 
a  plain  clothes  officer  of  Notting  Hill.  On  the  Sunday  in  question  he  was  employed 
especially  m  the  district  of  Hammersmith  to  watch  the  public-houses." 

Police-Constable  Woodbridge  swore  that— 

"  He  saw  thirteen  men  in  the  parlour  or  tap-room  and  ten  men  at  the  bar  This 
was  about  half-past  twelve  o'clock.  The  door  opened  in  consequence  of  a  knock 
from  the  outside,  and  he  attempted  to  pass  in,  but  was  prevented.  Though  he 
stated  that  he  was  a  constable  and  showed  his  card,  he  was  pushed  out  He  swore 
that  he  succeeded  in  getting  one  leg  and  his  head  inside  the  door,  and  that  in  the 
struggle  he  was  able  to  count  the  men  in  the  parlour  and  at  the  bar.  He  also  saw 
a  man  drinking  from  a  pot  full  of  beer." 

All  these  allegations  Police-Constable  Woodbridge  deposed;  and 
on  his  solemn  oath — 

"  He  further  stated  that  he  remained  outside  until  one  o'clock,  and  that  he  saw 
some  of  the  same  men  come  out  of  a  private  house  in  Ship  Lane,  a  thoroughfare 
running  on  the  side  of  the  public-house." 

Police-Constable  Woodbridge  having  made  the  above  statements 
under  the  obligation  acknowledged  by  kissing  the  Book,  was  then 
cross-examined  by  Mr.  Martin,  and— 

"  Admitted  that  Mr.  Arnold,  on  the  ground  that  he  did  not  believe  the  evidence 
dismissed  a  similar  complaint  against  another  licensed  victualler  in  Hammersmith 
on  Saturday." 

In  contradiction  of  every  word  which  the  spy,  Police-Constable 
W  oodbridge  had  sworn,  three  witnesses  were  called. 

"  They  swore  that  there  were  only  three  persons  in  the  house  at  the  time  referred 
to,  namely,  Mrs.  Starbuck,  the  potman,  who  was  X'lacing  his  cans  in  the  bar,  and  a 
man  who  had  returned  a  ladder  he  had  borrowed.     They  also  proved  that  there  was 


no  outlet  at  the  back,  as  the  yard  was  surrounded  by  the  walls  of  adjoining  houses, 
and  that  there  were  no  windows  or  doors  through  which  any  man  could  leave.  It 
was  denied  that  the  constable  showed  his  card. " 

Moreover — 

"  Inspector  Hare  said  that  be  visited  the  house,  accompanied  by  a  constable,  a 
quarter  of  an  hom'  before,  and  that  he  found  no  men  there." 

Under  these  circumstances  it  was  evident  that  Police-Constable 
Woodbridge  had  sworn  to  things  which  he  had  either  dreamt  or 
invented,  and— 

"  Mr.  Dayman  said  it  was  an  extraordinary  ease,  and  dismissed  the  summons." 

Of  course  the  summons  was  dismissed — and  perhaps  an  inquiry  is 
now  pending  to  ascertain  whether  Police-Constable  and  spy  Wood- 
bridge  is  a  dreamer  of  dreams,  or  a  deponent  of  things  which  are  not. 
Under  favour  of  the  Magistrate,  this  was  not  altogether  a  very  extra- 
ordinary case.  By  Woodbridge's  own  showing  a  similar  case  had 
occurred  on  Saturday.  Policemen  in  plain  clothes  appear  to  be  not 
uncommonly  employed  to  watch  public-houses  on  Sundays.  It  is  not 
unusual  for  them  to  inform  against  publicans  for  keeping  open  house  at 
unlawful  hours.  Nor  does  it  not  occasionally  happen  that  an  intelligent 
stipendiary  Magistrate  like  Mr.  Dayman  as  contradistinguished  from 
an  unpaid  old  Sabbatarian  blockhead  of  a  Country  Justice,  dismisses  the 
information,  doubting  the  informant's  evidence. 

By  many  a  County  quorum  of  'squires  and  parsons,  and  by  many  a 
theocracy  of  municipal  Mawworms  on  a  borough  bench,  every  word 
that  a  police  spy  and  informer  had  the  audacity  to  swear  against  a 
publican  accused  of  a  breach  of  the  Sunday  laws,  woidd  be  believed  in 
the  face  of  any  number  of  witnesses.  Mrs.  Starbuck,  our  hostess  of 
the  Cannon,  may  rejoice  in  hanging  out  that  warlike  sign  under  the 
reign  of  constitutional  legality  in  free  Hammersmith. 

It  cannot  be  under  orders  from  the  Home  Office  that  policemen  dis- 
guised in  plain  clothes  sneak  about  as  spies  commissioned  to  catch  out 
publicans  in  infringing  a  sectarian  Act  of  Parliament,  and  for  that 
purpose  themselves  tempt  them  to  infringe  it  by  opening  their 
doors.  Will  the  Government  a  moment  longer  encourage  the  fellows 
to  bear  false  witness  against  their  neighbours  on  trumped-up  charges 
of  profaning  the  so-called  Sabbath  day  ? 


VOL.  XLI. 


204 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[November  23,  1861. 


THE   NEW   PHOTOGRAPHIC   LOOKING-GLASS. 

"Ain't  it  a  jolly  sell,  Me.  O'Toole  ?  but  don't  tell  Ma  when  she  comes  clown,  'cause  site  said  I  wasn't 
to  show  it  you  on  any  account !  " 

(N.  B.  Anybody  failing  to  see  the  point,  is  referred  to  the  now  widely-circulated  "  Portrait  of  the 
Gorilla,"  to  be  obtained  at  the  nearest  Photographers.) 


MIRACULOUS  MUSIC. 

"  Lord  Shaftesbury,  while  speaking  at  a  meeting, 
at  Birmingham,  the  other  night,  became  so  indisposed 
that  he  was  obliged  to  resume  his  seat.  A  few  verses 
of  a  hymn  having  been  sung,  the  noble  chairman 
sufficiently  recovered  to  be  able  to  proceed  with  his 
address." 

It  is  very  uncharitable,  that  is  to  say,  very 
like  the  Record,  not  to  have  told  us  what  the 
hymn  was  that  was  instantly  efficient  in  re- 
storing the  health  of  a  British  Nobleman.  It 
might  be  beneficial  to  others  besides  the  ex- 
cellent Lokd  Shaftesbury  (who  will  be  the 
last  person  to  be  offended  at  Mr.  Punch's 
asking  him  to  join  in  a  laugh  at  the  Record), 
and  the  words  and  music  should  be  made 
known.  That  is  to  say,  they  should,  unless 
the  remedy  were  bke  that  composed  by  Don 
Quixote  in  the  tin  bottle,  and  which  did  the 
knight  good,  but  made  the  squire  SancAo  so 
awfully  ill,  that  he  became  convinced  that 
aristocratic  medicines  did  not  suit  plebeians. 
If  the  Record  did  not  think  this  the  case,  we 
decidedly  ought  to  have  been  told  all  about 
the  magic  hymn.  We  have  heard  beautiful 
music  at  Birmingham,  but  never  anything  to 
equal  tliis. 


Concise,  if  Not  Correct. 

An  Englishman,  who  thought  he  knew 
everything,  as  many  Englishmen  do,  was  en- 
deavouring to  prove  that  the  French  language 
was  capable  of  expressing  a  great  deal  more  in 
a  few  words  than  the  English  could  in  several, 
and  as  a  convincing  example  he  brought  for- 
ward the  following  instance  -.— "  You  see,  if  I 
wanted  to  state  that  I  had  lost  my  war-horse 
in  battle,  all  I  should  have  to  say  would  be 
simply,  '  Mon  cfieval est  horse-de-combat'  " 


A  Bill  Acceptor. — A  Dead  Wall. 


TALES  OF  MY  GRANDMOTHER. 

arah,  my  dear,  I  know  of  a 
chimney  (though  stopping  at 
present  in  a  lodging-house, 
it  is  one  of  very  high  ascent), 
that  is  so  extremely  well 
brought  up  that,  though  it 
lias  been  an  inveterate,  and, 
we  may  say,,  an  incurable 
smoker  all  its  life,  yet  no 
sooner  does  it  see  a  lady  enter 
the  room,  than  it  says  in  a 
voice  as  sweet  as  a  tea- 
kettle's, '  I  hope  my  smoke 
isn't  disagreeable  to  you, 
Ma'rm?'  And,  if  the  lady 
says  cas  how  it  is,'  and  be- 
gins coughing  to  prove  it 
so — then  the  chimney,  with- 
out waiting  to  be  blown  up, 
or  hauled  over  the  coals,  or 
put  out,  as  all  smokers  in  the 
presence  of  ladies  certainly 
deserve  being  done  unto, 
does  not  give  another  blessed 
puff,  but  goes  out  instautly 
of  its  own  accord !  There, 
you  wouldn't  believe  it,  but 
I  tell  you  it 's  a  fact." 
Observation  (made  by  Sarah,  an  Rlderly  Lady).  "  Yes,  my  dear,  and 
there 's  many  a  young  gentleman  of  the  present  day,  who  might  follow 
the  example  of  that  excellent  chimney  with  the  very  best  advantage !" 
{Left  Speaking. 

Another  Secessionist.— Should  the  Pope  at  last  resolve  upon 
yielding  up  his  temporal  power,  it  will  obviously  be  an  act  of  Papal 
Sec-cession. 


THE  SPENDTHRIFT  BROUGHT  TO  HIS  SENSES. 

Louis  Napoleon,  Emperor  of  the  French, 
So  now  your  Majesty  must  needs  retrench. 
I  said  that  you  were  going  on  too  fast, 
And  such  extravagance  could  never  last. 

If  sovereigns  would  achieve  grand  works  of  peace, 
Their  armaments  of  war  they  ought  to  cease ; 
Great  cities  to  rebuild  it  will  not  do, 
If  you  keep  up  great  fleets  and  armies  too. 

Big  vessels,  cased  in  adamantine  mail, 
And  armed  with  rifle-cannon,  cost  entail. 
So  do  fine  streets,  which  may,  from  end  to  end, 
Be  swept  with  cannon,  my  Imperial  friend. 

You  've  let  your  cask  at  tap  and  bunghole  run ; 
Of  those  two  outlets  you  must  now  stop  one. 
You  've  burnt  your  candle,  wasting  too  much  fat, 
At  either  end — must  blow  out  this  or  that. 

And  then  you  've  put  me  to  a  vast  expense, 
Obliging  me  to  arm  in  self-defence ; 
Gladly  would  I  some  building,  too,  have  done ; 
But  I  could  not  afford  it,  so  did  none. 

This  penal  Income-Tax,  whose  pinch  I  rue, 
1  pay  my  Government,  but  owe  to  you, 
Whilst  your  own  folks  endure  still  greater  woes, 
In  every  manner  paying  through  the  nose. 

Come,  now,  your  threatening  preparations  stop ; 
Take  stock ;  let  either  of  us  mind  his  shop  ; 
Try,  not  which  most  can  spend,  but  which  can  get : 
Adopting  thrift,  we  may  be  happy  yet. 


The  Largest  Cotton  Mill  in  the  World.— The  fight  at  present 
oing  on  between  North  and  South  in  America. 


November  23,  1861.] 


PUNCH,    OR   THE    LONDON    CHARIVAPT. 


205 


CHEERFUL    SUGGESTION. 

Young  Hopeless  (who  is  always  putting  his  foot  in  it).  "By  the  bye,  Aunty,  dear,  I  suppose  you'll  take  an  Accidental  Death  Ticket. 

Make  it  for  a  £1,000,  and  give  it  to  me,  as  I  do  so  want  some  ready  Money  /" 


SPARTAN  DISCIPLINE  AT  WOOLWICH. 

The  following  remarks  on  the  pending  investigation  respecting  the 
discipline  and  management  of  the  Military  Academy  at  Woolwich,  were 
delivered  at  the  Pigtail  Club,  by  old  Mr.  Sowerby,  on  his  legs  wide 
apart,  with  his  back  to  the  fire,  and  his  coat-tails  brought  forward, 
hanging  over  his  wrists  : — "  1  wish  somebody  would  interfere  and  put 
a  stop  to  this,  eh  ?  this  unnecessary — unnecessary  and  ridiculous — 
Woolwich  Inquiry.  A  set  of  meddlesome,  officious,  mischievous,  con- 
temptible milksops  !  I  mean  the  blockheads,  the— the— boobies— the 
numskulls,  who  originated  the  subject.  A  hubbub,  a  fuss,  an  agitation, 
a  controversy — a  much  ado  about  nothing !  What  the  devil— the 
devil ! — what  do  they  complain  of ;  what  would  they  have  ?  There 
is  a  deuce  of  a  draught  from  that  window ;  I  feel  it  as  I  am  standing 
here. 

"  I  say,  what  is  it  that  those  idle,  talkative,  inquisitive,  humanitarian 
humbugs  want  ?  To  ruin  the  Army,  Sir.  At  least,  that  is  what  they 
would  do  if  they  had  their  way.  What  ?  They  would  like  a  Military 
College,  to  be  conducted  on  the  system  of  a — what  ? — a  Seminary  for 
Young  Ladies  ;  the  Cadets  to  dine  principally  on  chicken,  and  breakfast 
upon  chocolal-au-lait,  and  thin  bread-and-butter.  Those  are  the 
arrangements  which,  I  imagine,  they  propose  to  introduce  at  Wool- 
wich. Curtains  to  the  Cadets'  beds,  Sir— eh  ?— and  what  ?— the  beds 
warmed  for  the  Young  Gentlemen  on  frosty  nights.  Ahem !  Ugh- 
ugh-ugh  !     Can't  get  rid  of  this  confounded  cough,  Sir. 

"Eh?— what? — by  Jove,  Sir,  when  I  was  a  young  man  there  was 
none  of  this  nonsense.  Lads  at  School  or  College  had  to  rough  it.  Ate 
their  meals  off  wooden  trenchers,  bread  and  scrape  and  skyblue  for 
breakfast,  rank  beef  and  fat  mutton  for  dinner,  or  scrap  pie  and  stick- 
jaw—would have  made  no  mouths  at  cat's-meat— a  schoolboy,  especially 
a  young  fellow  going  into  the  Army,  ought  to  have  the  stomach  of  a 
horse.     That  curry— how  it  keeps  rising ! 

"  No  time  to— what  ?— devote  to  personal  cleanliness  ?  In  my  opinion 
there 's  a  great  deal  too  much  nicety  about  washing  now-a-days— nothing 


but  soap  and  water — soap,  soap,  soap  and  water.  A  soldier  ought  to 
accustom  himself  to  dirt  and  discomfort.  Can't  clean  their  teeth  of  a 
morning  ?  And  why  should  they  ?  No  soldier  ought  ever  to  carry  a 
tooth-brush.  No  need  to  clean  their  teeth  at  all.  Want  tooth-powder 
next,  I  suppose— tooth-powder !  Use  tooth-powder  enough  in  biting 
a  cartridge.  Hair,  cropped  close,  requires  little  brushing.  What  with 
washing  hands  and  face — and  paring  nails — and  cutting  corns — and  all 
that  sort  of  thing— a  cadet  in  these  times  is  likely  to  be  bred  up  a  per- 
fect— Sybarite.  Eh  ?— a  twitch  of  rheumatism  in  the  hand  ! — that 
rascal  of  mine  forgot  to  air  the  newspaper. 

"  No,  Sir — the  proper  school — the  proper  sort  of  school— for  all  young- 
men—  especially  military  men — is  one  of  which  I  once  met  with  a  de- 
scription, quoted,  somewhere,  from  one  of  the  works  for  the  day — most 
of  which  are  only  fit  for — what  shall  I  say  ? — to — light  the  fire.  It  was 
an  account  of  a  school  at  a  place  in  Yorkshire — a  school  kept  I  think — 
if  I  recollect  rightly — but  my  memory  is  so  treacherous — kept  by  a 
Mr.  Tiiack  or  Whack — what?  Thackford  or  Whackford  Squeers. 
Now  that,  I  say  Sir,  that  is  the  proper  school  for  boys — or  young 
men— and  that  school  was  conducted  on  the  same  principles  of  Spartan 
discipline,  Sir— Spartan  discipline — as  those  which  till  now  have  always 
been — eh  ? — what  ? — maintained  at  Woolwich.  Spartan  discipline,  Sir ; 
that's  my  maxim  in  education — I  say,  always, — Spartan  discipline  !" 


The  Pope's  Keeper. 

A  Regular  back-boned  John  Bull,  who  objects  to  Erench  occu- 
pations generally,  and  particularly  to  those  of  the  Erench  Army,  says 
he  wishes  the  name  of  the  commanding  General  at  Home  were  Going, 
or  Go(y)-on,  and  that  there  were  a  speedy  chance  of  the  name  being 
carried  out  literally  by  his  leaving  the  Pope  by  himself  to  fight  his  own 
battles.  Iu  fact,  the  above  wish  might,  we  fancy,  be  improved  upon 
by  quietly  aud  emphatically  saying  to  the  illustrious  Papal  protector — 
"General,  Go-YON-der!"  pointing  significantly  in  the  direction  of 
Frauce. 


206 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[November  23,  1861. 


CURIOUS    PERSONS    TO    MEET. 

13ome  of  the  ornaments 
that  were  distrihuted  about 
the  Guildhall  on  the  occa- 
sion of  the  Lord  Mayor's 
dinner,  struck  us  as  being 
somewhat  out  of  good  taste. 
We  might  have  expected 
them  at  an  Egyptian  feast 
which  was  generally  presided 
over  by  a  grim  skeleton,  but 
we  must  say  they  were  a 
little  de  trop  at  [a  festivity, 
where  everything  was  sup- 
posed to  have  the  holiday 
look  of  good  nature  and 
good  cheer.  For  instance, 
there  were  assembled  to- 
gether a  statue  of  Melan- 
choly, as  well  as  a  bust  of 
the  Mournful  Girl;  and  as 
though  that  was  not  enough, 
there  was  also  liberally 
thrown  hi  (for  the  purpose, 
we  suppose,  of  keeping 
them  in  countenance ;  or  it 
may  have  been  the  effect 
produced  by  their  depress- 
ing society)  a  bust  of  the 
Weeping  Girl!  This  was  a 
little  too  much  of  the  lachrymose  order.  Whilst  they  were  about  it,  why 
didn't  they  have  a  couple  of  mutes  at  the  door  ?  It  was  a  sombre  com- 
pliment to  the  principal  guest  of  the  evening.  It  must  have  been  about 
the  first  time  that  Palmebston  and  Melancholy  ever  met  together  under 
the  same  roof,  though  as  for  that  his  Lordship  must  have  been  equally 
surprised  to  have  found  in  his  presence  a  Mournful  Girl,  much  less  one 
(pro/t  pudor !)  who  was  Weeping  !  Of  course,  such  was  the  effect  of 
his  riant  society,  that  Melancholy  was  found,  long  before  the  evening 
was  over,  to  have  been  turned  into  mirth  of  the  most  uproarious 
description;  whilst  of  the  two _  sorrow-stricken  girls,  the  one,  who 
had  been  mourning,  was  unquestionably  discovered  with  the  broadest 
of  broad  grins,  and  the  other,  who  had  lately  been  left  weeping,  was 
with  as  little  doubt  detected  in  the  act  of  crying  her  eyes  out — with 
pleasure.     Such  is  the  charm  of  a  popular  manner  ! 


OUR  DRAMATIC  CORRESPONDENT. 

"  Dear  Punch, 

"  I  am  sure  the  British  Playgoer,  grumbler  though  he  be, 
can't  complain  that  there  are  wanting  endeavours  to  amuse  him. 
With  the  exception  of  Her  Majesty's,  every  theatre  we  have  in 
London  is  now  open :  the  little  one  in  Dean  Street  being  added  to  the 
number,  under  the  direction  of — whatever  be  the  Servian  for  '  Miss ' — 
Albina  di  Riiona.  This  sprightly  piquant  dancer  has  succeeded  to 
the  throne  where  once  Miss  Kelly  held  her  court,  and  the  boards 
long-trodden  only  by  aspiring  amateurs  now  throb  beneath  the  buskins 
of  the  regular  professionals.  Atar  Gull,  her  opening  piece,  has  no 
great  nominal  attraction :  and,  to  judge  by  what  one  hears,  the  plot  is 
not  much  more  attractive  than  the  title.  So  I  shall  let  the  Gull  fly 
off  before  I  pay  my  visit :  and  then  I  hope  to  see  Miss  Rhona's  spark- 
ling eyes,  and  lissome  twinkling  legs,  without  having  to  sit  through  a 
prelude  of  bad  melo-drama,  for  which  she  would  be  wise  to  substitute 
good  farce. 

"  These  two  last  words  remind  me  to  notice  Me.  Robson's  return  to 
the  Olympic  :  improved,  I  hope  sincerely  for  a  permanence,  in  health. 
Absurdly  farcical  and  funny,  A  Legal  Impediment  just  fits  him  with 
one  of  those  quaint  bits  of  low-life  character,  of  which  his  Wandering 
Minstrel  was  his  first,  and  best  example.  In  these  parts  Me.  Robson 
is  utterly  unrivalled,  indeed  in  other  hands  they  would  quite  fail  of 
their  effect.  Men  with  bilious  minds  may  call  his  acting  mere  buffoon- 
ery, but  I'll  defy  them  to  help  laughing  at  his  ever-varying  oddities ; 
and  with  all  his  aped  vulgarity,  he  is  never  coarse.  It  really  puzzles 
one  to  fancy  how  he  keeps  his  countenance  while  '  making  up '  his 
face :  and  yet  one  feels  convinced  he  must  have  practised  with  a,  look- 
ing-glass, in  studying  those  stolid,  blank  and  puzzled  looks,  those 
gleams  ol  sly,  dry  humour,  and  those  wondrous  cunning  winks.  A  good 
laugh,  we  all  know,  is  a  good  thing  for  the  digestion :  and  any  one 
who  has  a  spare  hour  after  dinner,  aud  wants  to  exercise  the  muscles 
that  are  used  in  cachmnation,  had  better  go  and  join  the  nightly  roar  at 
Me.  Robson,  which  is  now  excited  by  his  character  of  Sl-hush. 

"  The  Pyne  and  Haerison  regime  has  recommenced  at  Covent 
Garden,  and  deserves  to  be  supported  if  only  for  the  reason  that  We 


play-goers  of  England  here  can  take  our  seat  at  ease,  Without  ever 
being  bullied  by  a  box-keeper  for  fees.  A  great  comfort  this,  and  one  that 
should  be  general :  but  Managers  are  highly  conservative  of  nuisances, 
and  common  sense  as  yet  is  confined  in  the  above  point  to  this  house 
and  the  Adelphi.  Miss  Pyne's  clear  charming  voice  is  an  additional 
attraction,  and  I  hope  she  will  not  weaken  it  by  her  over-work.  Ruy 
Bias  six  nights  a  week  was  enough  to  kill  a  Geisi.  I  can't  say  it  sur- 
prised me  when  this  opera  was  withdrawn.  Although  well  mounted 
and  well  sung  there  was  great  heaviness  about  it,  partly  owing  to  the 
sombre  nature  of  the  plot.  I  doubt  if  making  operas  out  of  plays  be  a 
wise  course,  at  any  rate  for  English  composers  to  adopt.  Our  actors 
as  a  rule  act  better  than  our  singers :  and  when  one  has  seen  M. 
Eechter  in  a  part,  one  can't  help  somewhat  missing  his  pregnant 
point  and  polish,  however  well  the  character  be  played  by  his  suc- 
cessor. 

"  Stage  Managers  have  had  enough  to  do  the  last  few  days  :  for,  in- 
eluding  Sadler's  Wells  and  the  '  New  Royalty  '  in  Dean  Street,  at  no 
less  than  six  theatres  have  new  pieces  been  produced,  and  when  the 
Octoroon  is  out  a  seventh  may  be  counted.  The  power  of  ubiquity  is 
not  one  of  my  possessions :  and,  as  I  never  speak  except  from  personal 
inspection,  I  must  confine  myself  at  present  to  one  of  the  half  dozen. 
In  the  shape  of  a  queer  piece  called  Our  American  Cousin,  I  am  glad 
to  say  that  Comedy  has  come  back  to  her  old  home,  aud  one  can  once 
again  enjoy  a  hearty  laugh  at  the  Haymarket.  In  the  place  of  Me. 
Booth,  who  has  taken  his  Sir  Giles  for  an  airing  in  the  country  (why 
stage  slang  says  '  the  provinces,'  I  never  yet  could  learn),  Me.  Buck- 
stone  has  engaged  another  actor  from  America,  who  is  a  vastly  more 
original  and  more  amusing  personage.  The  play  which  introduces  him 
is  put  together  hastily,  aud  needs  no  special  comment :  but  they  who 
wish  to  see  a  new  type  of  a  Swell,  quite  different  from  any  that  the 
stage  before  has  showed  them,  should  go  and  have  a  laugh  at  Me. 
Sothebn's  Lord  Dundreary.  A  double-eyeglassed  dandy,  with  dyed  whis- 
kers, which  he  paws  and  throws  over  his  shoulder,  who  does  not  drawl 
his  words,  but  speaks  them  somewhat  through  his  nose,  and  with  a  stutter 
and  a  lisp,  may  not  seem  a  very  novel  or  attractive  sort  of  character, 
but,  as  Mr.  S'othern  plays  it,  really  it  is  both.  For  quaint  and  quiet 
humour,  nothing  can  excel  his  vacuous  solemnity,  and  the  empty- 
headed  stare  wherewith  he  ponders  on  what  puzzles  him :  while  his 
misery  when  interrupted  iu  a  sneeze,  although  a  bit  of  '  gag,'  is  really 
very  droll.  Of  course  nobody  in  life  has  ever  seen  a  Lord  Dundreary, 
thinking  every  one  a  lunatic  except  his  brainless  self ;  yet  his  attitudes 
are  natural,  and  his  humour  new  and  fresh :  while,  despite  of  all  his 
funny  and  fantastic  caricaturing,  there  is  a  something  true  to  nature  in 
his  almost  every  touch.  Our  American  Cousin  has  but  little  else  attrac- 
tive in  it :  but  'playgoers  I  fancy  will  flock  to  Lord  Dundreary,  if  but 
to  hear  him  read  the  letter  from  Iris  '  lunatic  brother '  Sam,  which  the 
evening  I  attended  was  given  with  such  grave  humour  that  the  pitites 
cried  '  Encore ! '  «  One  Who  Pays." 


FASHION  FOR  THE  FIRESIDE. 

TO  MRS.    J. 

I  Give  thee  this  fireproof  dress,  my  love. 

Wearing  all  that  attire, 
It  gives  me  the  greatest  distress,  my  love, 
To  see  thee  go  near  the  fire. 
Shouldst  thou  tread  upon  a  match,  and  were  thy  drapery  to  catch, 

Thou  'dst  be  burnt  alive ; 
And  the  loss  of  such  a  wife,  whom  I  love  better  than  my  life, 
I  could  ne'er  survive. 

That  muslin  expanse  is  untrustable, 

Anywhere  near  a  light ; 
But  this  one  is  incombustible, 
So  that  it  won't  ignite. 
And  thy  Crinoline  may  swell  beyond  the  biggest  Minster-bell ; 

Yet  secure  thou  'It  be, 
In  a  dress  that  can't  inflame,  from  a  death  that  I  may  name, 
Premature  Suttee. 

Jones. 


Another   Yankee  Drink-"  American  Bounce." 

This  is  so  tremendously  strong,  that  we  never  knew  any  one  yet  who 
could  stop  iu  the  same  room  with  it.  Let  him  resist  as  he  will,  it  is 
sure  eventually  to  drive  him  away  in  disgust  from  the  place.  1ms 
drink  is  so  nauseous  and  sickly  that  it  has  been  found  to  disagree  with 
all  foreigners,  but  Englishmen  especially.  In  fact,  it  is  so  revolting 
that  it  is  our  belief  the  present  rebellion  is  in  a  strong  measure 
owing  to  its  mischievous  tendencies.  None  but  a  Yankee  can  possibly 
stand  it  for  a  minute.  All  American  liquorings  invariably  wmd  up 
with  "  Bounce." 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— November  23>  1861, 


miA~  MIUM-*   (U  tyWJQ/k     CC&:jti\ 


cu    (J  cU~  I    Uoit  'cl 


THE    WILFUL    BOY. 


Jonathan.  "I  WILL  EIGHT-I  WILL  HAVE  A  NATIONAL  DEBT  LIKE  OTHER  PEOPLE!" 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— November  23,  1861. 


THE  LATEST  IMPROVEMENT  IN  PARIS-RETRENCHMENT. 

Steward  (to  Gentleman  in  Difficulties).  "I  SHOULD  RECOMMEND  GETTING  RID  OE  SOME  OE  THE  GUNS,  SIB, 
AND  LETTING  BRICKS  AND  MORTAR  ALONE  EOR  THE  PRESENT ! " 


m 


November  23,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


211 


ADVERTISING    SCAMPS. 

F  we  credit  the  old  madri- 
gal, a  certain  Swan  when 
dying  informed  the  world 
in  general  that — 

"  More  geese  than  swans 
do  live,  more  fools  than 
wise  :  " 

and  the  truth  of  this 
assertion  the  reports  in 
our  police-courts  seem 
daily  to  confirm.  Hardly 
a  Times  passes  without 
recording  how  some  flat 
has  been  quite  cleaned 
out  by  some  sharpers; 
and  it  is  curious  to  note 
that  in  nine  cases  out  of 
ten  the  same  stale  dodge 
has  been  pursued.  The 
Flat  being  accosted  by  a 
Stranger  in  the  street, 
who  asks  him  what  the 
time  is,  or  which  the  way 
to  Woolwich,  and  then 
suddeidy  reflecting  that 
he  feels  somewhat  athirst, 
proposes  to  the  Flat  to 
have  a  drop  of  beer,  and, 
Flat  consenting,  off  they  walk  to  a  public  Stranger  knows,  where  a  brace  of 
other  Strangers  immediately  drop  in  and  challenge  Stranger  No.  1  to  a  friendly 
game  of  skittles,  asking  Flat  to  act  as  umpire  and  hold  the  stakes.  If  Flat  agrees, 
of  course  he  soon  gets  tempted  into  play,  and  equally  of  course  he  is  immediately 
cleaned  out,  and  not  seldom  is  persuaded  to  pawn  his  watch  and  chain,  or  to  go 
home  to  his  lodgings  for  a  fresh  supply  of  cash,  one  of  the  Strangers  very  kindly 
volunteering  to  go  with  him.  But  if  the  Flat  fights  shy,  having  haply  heard  of 
skittles  and  the  perils  that  attend  them,  then  Stranger  No.  2  bets  Strangers  1  and 
3  that  he  can  lift  a  heavier  weight,  or  show  a  smarter  snuff-box  than  either  of 
those  gentlemen,  and  Flat  gets  tempted  to  a  wager  that  he  can  beat  the  winner, 
which  of  course  he  does,  and  equally  of  course  this  leads  on  to  more  betting  as 
well  as  to  more  beer,  and  Flat  gets  fuddled  and  confused,  and  thinks  the  drink 
must  have  been  drugged ;  for  when  he  "  comes  to,"  it  is  evening,  and  the  Strangers 
are  all  gone,  and  so,  he  finds,  is  everything  of  value  he  had  with  him.  Such 
sharping  tricks  as  these  are  as  stale  as  last  month's  muffins,  and  one  wonders 
how  such  donkeys  can  be  found  as  are  still  duped  by  them.  Indeed,  we  really 
can  scarce  pump  up  any  pity  for  these  asses ;  for  if  they  read  the  newspaper  (and 
who  now-a-days  does  not  ?)  they  must  know  what  is  coming  when  they  get  into 
such  company,  and  it  is  their  own  fault  if  they  are  fools  enough  to  stay  in  it. 

But  another  kind  of  sharping  is  now  pretty  largely  practised,  to  which  police 
attention  has  not  so  much  been  drawn,  and  we  may  therefore  do  some  service  by 
helping  to  expose  it.  Headed  in  big  type  "  How  to  get  a  Genteel  Living," 
or  "A  Fortune  for  Five  Shillings,"  or  "Do  you  want  to  Realise  a 
Thousand  Pounds  a  Year  ? "  advertisements  are  constantly  inserted  in  the 
papers,  benevolently  offering  these  boons  to  any  "party"  who  applies  (by  letter 
only,  with  six  stamps  for  a  reply)  at  an  under-named  address.  Occupation  being 
promised  to  persons  of  both  sexes,  it  is  not  surprising  that  poor  ladies  are 
entrapped  into  sending  the  six  stamps  :  in  return  for  which  they  sometimes  are 
favoured  with  a  letter,  stating  that  the  advertiser  requires  ten  shillings  more,  either 
as  a  fee  for  entering  their  names,  or  as  a  "security  for  the  first  employment 
sent."  This  latter  phrase  appeared  in  a  letter  which  was  read  the  other  day  in  a 
police-court,  in  which  the  "lucrative  engagement"  that  was  offered  by  the  adver- 
tiser was  revealed  to  be  three  hours  of  needlework  per  day  for  a  "  large  commercial 
house  "  (no  name  given)  in  Berlin.  _  By_  this  genteel  occupation  the  advertiser 
stated  that  upwards  of  a  hundred  ladies  in  his  employ  realised  as  much  as  forty 
shillings  in  a  week,  a  prospect  surely  quite  sufficient  to  induce  a  genteel  needle- 
woman to  send  off  the  ten  shillings  "  by  stamps  or  post-office  order,"  and  await  the 
"  articles"  which  were  to  be  sent.  _  After  waiting,  say,  a  week  or  so,  and  hearing 
nothing  further,  she  might  think  it  worth  her  while  to  call  at  the  address  to 
winch  her  stamps  had  been  directed,  and  then  the  chances  are  that  she  will  make 
some  such  discovery  as  was  made  in  the  police  case  to  which  we  have  referred  :— 

"  The  applicant  said  that  he  had  been  to  the  address  given  and  found  it  to  be  a  small  tobacco- 
nist's shop.  All  the  person  who  keeps  the  shop  could  tell  of  Mr.  Graham  was,  that  he  called 
at  her  shop  some  days  ago,  purchased  half  an  ounce  of  tobacco,  and  requested  her  to  take  in  some 
letters  for  him  addressed  there.  She  agreed  to  do  so,  but  they  came  in  such  quantities  that 
she  became  alarmed  and  refused  to  receive  any  more.  Mr.  Graham  she  described  as  a  shabby- 
looking  young  man,  who  smoked  a  short  pipe,  and  walked  about  in  the  neighbourhood  of  her 
shop,  awaiting  such  letters  as  came,  and  then  took  possession  of  them.  The  applicant  thought 
the  whole  affair  a  gross  attempt  to  swindle,  and  his  object  in  coming  before  the  Court  was  that 
it  might  be  exposed  in  such  a  way  as  to  prevent  industrious  and  deserving  persons  from  being 
imposed  on  by  a  worthless  impostor.  The  press  had  done  much  to  protect  the  public  in  such 
cases,  and  if  its  representatives  present  would  kindly  notice  the  matter,  he  had  no  doubt  it 
would  have  the  desired  effect." 

To  expose  a  sneaking  humbug,  and  to  smash  a  swindling  scamp,  is  a  duty  to 
society  that  Punch  will  never  shrink  from :  and  if  "  Mr.  Graham"  will  oblige 


him  with  his  photograph,  it  shall  be  copied  in  these  pages 
as  the  portrait  of  a  scoundrel  who  lives  by  telling  lies,  and 
cheating  honest  people  who  are  in  want  of  work.  The  fact 
that  "Mr.  Graham,"  and  rascals  of  his  breed,  aim  mainly 
to  impose  upon  poor  weak  and  struggling  women,  who 
would  eke  out  a  small  income  by  their  own  honest  hand- 
work, adds  a  number  _  of  degrees  to  the  hot  wrath  of 
Mr.  Punch ;  and  as  he  is  at  times  of  an  irritable  tempera- 
ment, the  chances  are,  that  if  he  catches  any  "shabby 
looking"  gent  coming  out  of  a  tobacconist's  with  a  short 
pipe  and  lots  of  letters,  he  will  pounce  upon  the  "party" 
as  an  advertising  swindler,  and  will  kick  him  all  the  way 
to  the  most  distant  of  police-courts,  and  there  leave  him 
to  be  dealt  with  as  the  law  directs. 


FORTY  MILLIONS  OF  DEFICIT  ! !  ! 

Forty  Millions  of  Deficit ! 

En  Imperator  quod  efficit ! 

Are  you  struck  dumb,  France,  or  deaf  is  it  ? 

Forty  Millions  oe  Deficit  ! 

Of  glory  you  've  quantum  sufficit, ' 
But  that  is  not  quite  enough,  is  it  ? 
To  balance  a  fact  so  tough,  is  it 
As  Forty  Millions  oe  Deficit  ? 

In  a  real  Turk's  Paradise  (Kef,  is  it  ?) 
Quod  hit  us  Prcecordia  reficit, 
By  the  gulf,  with  heart  never  heavy  sit, 
And  sing  Forty  Millions  of  Deficit  ! 

At  Compiegne  crown'd  kings  in  bevy  sit : 
France  is  there  to  pay  tax  :  who  levies  it  ? 
Gulf,  indeed  !  this  trumpery  crevice,  it 
Is  but  Forty  Millions  of  Deficit  ! 

For  my  Uncle  a  fig  !  let  his  nev'y  sit : 
Light  soldier  will  keep  down  heavy  cit — 
And  let 's  see  if  Fould  can't  give  us  it — 
This  Forty  Millions  of  Deficit  ! 

Let  France,  with  her  Bourse  bladders  crevee  sit, 
While  her  Emperor  dances  and  levees  it, 
O'erbuilds,  o'erarmys,  o'ernavys  it, 
To  Forty  Millions  of  Deficit  ! 


A  PIECE   OF  ADVICE. 


At  the  last  theatrical  representation  given  before  the 
Emperor  at  Compiegne,  we  notice  that  the  title  of  one  of 
the  pieces  was  L 'Argent  fait  Peur.  If  the  argent  is 
wanting,  of  course,  it  does  frighten  one,  and  a  deficit  of 
100,000,000  francs,  which  is  as  much  as  France  for  the 
moment  acknowledges  to,  is  more  than  enough  to  make 
the  boldest  quake  with  fear.  This  may  be  the  kind  oipeur 
that  has  caused  the  present  French  financial  crisis,  and 
necessitated  the  appointment  of  M.  Fould  as  Minister  of 
the  Finances.  If  the  above  vaudeville  was  accidentally 
selected,  it  was  at  all  events  a  piece  of  advice  very  oppor- 
tunely given.  Let  us  hope  that  M.  Fould's  success,  as 
the  French  Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer,  empty  as  the 
latter  at  present  may  be,  may  soon  have  the  happy  effect  of 
one  species  of  fear  being  promptly  succeeded  by  another 
of  a  more  cheerful  character,  viz. :— the  one  elicited  in 
Madame  de  Girardin's  beautiful  little  piece  of  La  Joie 
fait  Peur.  That  joy,  when  it  does  come,  may  make  France 
more  careful  for  the  future  as  to  the  way  in  which  she 
spends  her  money.  Where  is  the  fun,  or  profit,  of  building 
fine  houses  (and  Paris  will  soon  be  a  capital  of  nearly  all 
fine  houses)  if  there  is  nothing  but  empty  cupboards  in 
them  ? 


Defoilitas  in  Profundis. 

A  "  City  article  "  says, 

"Vague  rumours  have  been  in  circulation  the  last  two  days  of 
another  difficulty  in  connection  with  the  tallow  market." 

A  dreadful  idiot  writes  to  us  that  these  are  wicked 
rumours,  and  have  simply  arisen  from  the  remark  of  an 
eminent  City  man  at  Brighton  last  week,  that  Brill's  bath 
is  so  thronged  that  there  is  no  getting  a  dip.  We  are 
really  ashamed  to  print  such  rubbish. 


212 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


[November  23,  1861. 


MEN  AND  BEES. 

Working  Bees,  in  Summer's  heat, 

Making  honey,  stock  their  hives, 
So  that  they  have  food  to  eat 

When  the  wintry  cold  arrives. 
By  their  toil  the  store  was  got, 

Of  it  they  partake  their  due ; 
Out  of  work  with  them  is  not, 

Therefore,  out  of  victuals  too. 

Working  Men,  employed,  can  earn 

Little  more  than  bread  and  cheese ; 
In  a  hoard  they  've  no  concern, 

Like  the  happier  Working  Bees. 
All  that  they  produce,  beside 

What  their  present  hunger  craves, 
Goes  for  others  to  provide ; 

None,  except  the  Master  saves. 

Now  the  winter  is  at  hand, 

Bees  and  men  may  work  no  more, 
Bees  can  sustenance  command ; 

Men  can  only  help  implore. 
Masters,  you  will  Uve  at  ease 

On  the  fruits  of  labour  then  ; 
They  are  shared  by  AVorking  Bees ; 

Give  a  share  to  Working  Men. 


SCENE- COMMERCIAL   ROOM. 

Incipient  Commercial  to  Crusty  Old  Traveller.  "  You"re  always  in  the  Fashion,  I  sec. 
Last  time  I  had  the  pleasure  of  seeing  you,  Mauve  was  the  prevailing  Colour,  and  your  Nose  was 
Mauve.     Now  Magenta  is  all  the  go,  and  it 's  clmnged  to  Magenta." 


"The  Line  of  Beauty." 

The  Line  that  can  boast  of  the  fewest  ac- 
cidents, the  lowest  fares,  and  the  largest 
dividends ;  and  which,  moreover,  has  a  car- 
riage where  smoking  is  allowed  as  well  as  one 
in  which  ladies  can  go,  if  they  choose.  Such 
a  Line,  we  beg  leave  to  say,  is,  par  excellence, 
the  "Line  of  Beauty;"  only  look  as  we  will 
over  the  railway  map  of  England,  where  are 
we  to  find  it  ? 


MANIACS  AND  THEIR  MONEY. 

There  are  people  in  the  world  who  have  either  so  much  money  that 
they  don't  know  what  to  do  with  it,  or  else  are  so  silly  that  they  fool 
away  large  sums  without  doing  good  to  anybody,  not  even  to  them- 
selves. One  of  either  of  these  sorts  appears  to  be  the  person  whose 
initials  are  subjoined,  his  modesty  preventing  the  insertion  of  his 
name  .■ — 

THE    Commissioners  for  the  Reduction   of  the   National   Debt    AC- 
KNOWLEDGE the  RECEIPT,  from  A.  P.  O.,  of  BANK  of  ENGLAND  NOTES 
for  £:200,  to  be  applied  in  reduction  of  the  National  Debt. 

Of  course  the  Nation  ought  to  feel  enormously  obliged  to  any  one 
who  helps  it  in  paying  oft'  its  debts  ;  but  what  appreciable  good  to  any 
single  human  being  the  payment  of  these  notes  for  £200  will  do,  is  a 
problem  that  would  pose  the  calculation  of  a  Cocker,  and  bewilder 
even  a  Babbage  in  endeavouring  to  solve.  Had  A.  P,  O.  selected  some 
deserving  person  (say,  for  instance,  Mr.  Punch),  and  sent  him  the  £200 
some  good  would  have  been  done,  and  Mr. Punch  would  have  been  proud 
to  hand  down  to  posterity  the  Christian  names  and  Surname  for  which 
those  initials  stand.  Let  this  delicate  hint  be  taken  in  cases  of  this 
sort ;  and,  when  people  are  distressed  with  a  pecuniary  plethora,  let  them 
send  the  surplus  winch  afflicts  them  to  the  Punch  Office,  and  so  earn  the 
lasting  gratitude  of  at  least  one  individual,  instead  of  benefiting  nobody, 
and  being  laughed  at  more  than  thanked. 

The  same  course  might  be  followed  with  quite  obvious  advantage  by 
persons  who  scud  Conscience-money  into  the  Exchequer ;  and  who, 
if  they  would  only  forward  it  to  Fleet  Street,  would  not,  as  they 
now  do,  bring  the  nation  to  disgrace.  As  it  is,  the  Chancellor  must 
publicly  acknowledge  the  receipt  of  what  they  send :  and  as  the  term 
'  Conscience-money  "  implies  a  previous  course  of  cheating  for  which 
it  may  atone,  these  acknowledgments  are  proofs  of  what  great  rogues 
there  are  among  us,  whereas  that  fact  might  be  kept  secret  if  their 
"  Conscience  "  sums  went  privately  to  Mr.  Punch's  purse. 

Mr.  Punch  of  course  is  much  too  pure  a  patriot  to  dream  of  benefit- 
ing himself  at  the  expense  of  his  loved  country :  and  he  would  have 
split  his  gold  pen  sooner  than  suggest  what  he  has  done,  if  he  fancied 
the  Nation  would  m  any  whit  be  injured  by  it.  But  the  few  hundreds 
a-year  which  are  Hung  into  the  Exchequer  by  these  conscience-smitten 
reprobates  do  no  good  to  the  country  that  is  worthy  to  be  named : 
wheieas  Mr.  Punch  would  find  them  vastly  handy,  ii'  only  to  defray 


the  cost  of  his  cigars,  and  it  is  difficult  to  say  how  much  the  Nation 
would  be  gainer  if  his  thought-giving  tobacco  were  of  limitless 
expense. 

ARITHMETIC  AMONGST  THE  ADVERTISEMENTS. 

We  see  a  book  is  advertised  under  the  title  of  The  Valley  of  a 
Hundred  Fires.  We  think  it  is  ridiculous  to  give  the  British  Public 
such  unnecessary  information.  Since  every  advertisement  reader 
knows  that  it  is  possible,  at  the  nearest  tallow-chandler's,  or  grocer's, 
to  procure  "  Four  Fires  for  One  Penny,"  any  one,  we  imagine 
(even  one  of  Lord  Malmesbury's  much  calumniated  clerks)  would 
be  able  to  tell  us  off-hand,  without  the  use  of  pen,  pencil,  chalk, 
or  slate-pencil,  what  was  the  "  Valley"  of  a  hundred  Fires?  We 
grant  that  the  English  are  not  in  the  habit  of  "  calculating  "  so  much 
as  the  Yankees,  still  we  maintain  that  there  is  not  a  single  Ex- 
Chanccllor  of  the  Exchequer  who  could  not  readily  go  through  the 
above  simple  sum.  Have  Messrs.  Hurst  and  Blackett  gone  into 
the  coal-trade  that  they  think  it  requisite  to  test  the  knowledge  of 
house-holders  on  the  price  of  Wall's-ends  in  the  above  problematical 
manner  ? 


Quite  a  New  Character. 

For  the  future  Louis  Napoleon  is  determined  that  the  sword  shall 
be  used  for  no  other  purpose  than  that  of  cutting  down  the  finances. 
The  appointment  of  M.  Fould  is  one  proof  of  this  determination,  and  a 
still  stronger  one  is,  that  he  has  kindly  consented  to  be  the  President  of 
the  Liverpool  Financial  Reform  Association.  In  that  capacity,  his  first 
move  will  be  a  proposition  for  the  total  disarmament  of  the  British  Army 
and  Navy.  


A  MOST  DIFFICULT  OPERATION. 
{And  an  exceedingly  problematical  one.) 

Given  :—  Mr.JRoebuck's  Temper. 
Required  :- 


-To  make  "  a  Perfect  Cure  "  of  it. 


Great  Things  compared  with  Small. — Why  is  the  great  French 
Nation  like  a  little  Loudon  street-boy  who  has  been  chased  by  a 
policeman,  and  succeeded  in  making  his  escape,  j  The  reason  is  obvious 
— France  has  outrun  the  constable. 


November  23,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


213 


Enter  Mary  the  Housemaid  with  the  Maiming  Letters. 

Old  Lady  (who  has  seen  the  '  delivery  '  through  the  blinds).  "  But  there  was  a  book  or  a  paper,  Mary,  I  thought  I  satv " 

Mary.  "  Only  this  'ere  Mum,  which  it's  for  me,  Mum,  the  '  'Lustratecl  Penny  Weekly  Bell  Assembly,'  Mum,  as  I  takes  in  myself  rcg'lar."" 


THE    POLICEMAN'S    PROGRESS. 

Notwithstanding  the  contempt  which  is  likely  to  be  incurred  by 
the  quotation  of  a  trite  maxim,  we  will  venture  to  observe  that  the 
proper  study  of  mankind  is  man.  We  will  further  remark,  that  if  the 
study  of  man  is  one  which  is  proper  for  mankind  in  general,  there  are 
certain  particidar  classes  of  men  by  whom  it  is,  or  may  be,  cultivated 
with  an  especial  propriety.  Among  these  are  all  the  divisions  of  the 
Police;  for  man  is  a  subject  that  in  the  discharge  of  their  duty  they 
have  continual  occasion  for  taking  up.  Therefore  we  recognise  a 
peculiar  fitness  of  things  in  the  attention  which,  at  Chatham,  according 
to  the  ensuing  extract  from  a  report  of  Naval  and  Military  Intelligence, 
a  number  of  those  protectors  of  the  public  have  been  lately  devoting  to 
a  knowledge  of  that  organisation  which  they  are  so  often  called  upon 
to  collar : — 

"  A  series  of  very  interesting  and  exceedingly  able' lectures  have  been  delivered 
to  the  members  of  the  Metropolitan  Police  Force  doing  duty  in  Chatham  Dockyard. 
The  concluding  lecture  of  the  series  was  '  On  the  Physiology  of  Man,'  and  was  illus- 
trated by  numerous  sketches  and  diagrams,  and  the  whole  of  them  have  been 
delivered  by  Mr.  Litchfield  at  the  reading-room  which  is  provided  in  the  yard  for 
the  accommodation  of  the  force." 

From  what  follows  Ave  are  led  to  infer  that  the  learned  lecturer  is  no 
professed  anatomist,  but  an  uncommonly  intelligent  officer  of  the  corps 
which  formed  his  audience,  who  has  acquired  a  knowledge  of  anatomy 
and  various  other  sciences  to  the  end  of  instructing  his  comrades 
in  blue : — 

"  In  the  physiology  of  man  the  lecturer  appeared  to  have  made  himself  thoroughly 
conversant  with  his  subject,  and  in  a  very  clear  manner  described  the  beautiful 
framework  of  bones,  muscles,  and  tendons,  which  are  the  organs  of  locomotion  ; 
the  brain  and  nervous  system,  the  lungs,  the  heart,  bloodvessels,  and  absorbents 
for  the  circulation  of  the  vital  fluids  through  the  body,  and  the  teeth,  the  stomach, 
and  digestive  organs  ;  he  also  described  the  continual  waste  and  renewal  of  every 
portion  of  the  frame." 

The  knowledge  of  all  the  particulars  above  enumerated  will  afford 
the  policeman,  whilst  upon  his  beat,  abundant  food  for  contemplation, 
a  perpetual  repast  which  he  will  be  enabled  to  enjoy  without  any  descent 
into  areas,  and  breach  of  discipline.     In  pacing  to  and  fro  on  the  pave- 


ment, he  will  be  enabled  to  reflect  on  that  portion  of  the  beautiful 
framework  of  bones,  muscles,  and  tendons  wherein  are  comprised  the 
particular  organs  of  that  locomotion  which  he  is  engaged  in  practising. 
Catching  a  pickpocket  in  the  act  of  theft,  his  view  will  not  be  limited  to 
the  spectacle  of  a  little  ragamuffin  twitching  the  corner  of  a  passenger's 
protruding  handkerchief  ;  his  mind's  eye  will  discern  the  mechanism  of 
the  arm,  wrist,  palm,  fingers ;  the  bones,  and  the  flexors  and  extensors 
and  little  delicate  fidicinal  muscles,  working  by  means  of  finely  ramified 
nerves  deriving  their  influence  from  a  brain  wonderfully  organised,  but 
perhaps  too  protuberant  in  the  regions  assigned  by  phrenology  to 
secretivencss  and  acquisitiveness.  He  will  take  the  offender  into 
custody  also  with  an  intelligent  consciousness  of  the  organic  machinery 
which,  in  so  doing,  he  puis  in  force  together  with  the  law.  Should  the 
delinquent  give  him  a  run,  he  will,  when  the  chace  is  over,  have  au 
opportunity,  as  he  fetches  breath,  of  pondering  the  action  of  the  lungs, 
heart,  and  blood  vessels  :  and  when  off  duty,  and  employing  his  teeth 
on  the  plateful  provided  for  him  by  the  hand  of  affection,  he  will  be  in 
a  position  to  meditate  on  the  functions  of  the  stomach  and  the  rest  of 
the  digestive  organs.     Wc  rejoice  to  learn  that — 

"The  educational  movement  is  well  supported  by  the  members  of  the  force,  and 
is  earnestly  promoted  by  the  superintendent,  Mr.  Richardson." 

Hitherto  the  Policeman  has  confined  his  attention  to  the  arrest  of 
evil-doers,  but  he  lias  now  begun  1o  apprehend  the  facts  of  science. 
No  longer  content  with  clutching  rioters  and  rogues,  and  members  of 
the  swell  mob,  he  is  endeavouring  to  grasp  ideas :  he  not  only  com- 
mands progress  in  the  thoroughfares,  but  exemplifies  it  in  the  walks  of 
intellect ;  and  his  motto  as  well  as  his  injunction  is,  "  Move  On  !  " 


Pat  on  Butter. 


"  An  Irish  paper  draws  attention  to  the  remarkable  fact,  that  American  butter  is 
beginning  to  reach  Liverpool,  Manchester,  &c,  in  such  large  quantities  as  to  imperil 
the  Irish  trade  in  that  commodity." 

All  we  can  say  is,  that  the  article  in  question  does  not  come  wrapped 
in  American  newspapers. 


214 


PI 


NCH,    OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[November  23,  1861. 


"THE    FLOWEXt-BESPAXGLED   TUHF." 

X  tjrb-men  with  bouquets.  French 
turf  men.  What  do  they  do 
with  bouquets  ?  We  read 
in  the  French  papers  that  at 
the  late  races  at  Marseilles, 
Mademoiselle  Isabelle, 
bouquetiere  to  the  Jockey 
Club,  netted  fifteen  hundred 
francs.  What  were  the  flowers 
for  ?  Do  the  betting  men 
wear  'em  ?  Many  of  our  own 
members  of  that  fraternity  are 
in  uncommonly  bad  odour,  but 
we  never  heard  of  their  trying 
to  counteract  it  by  sticking 
bunches  of  roses  and  violets 
in  their  bosoms.  Or,  do  the 
French  gentlemen  pitch  bou- 
quets to  the  winning  horse,  or 
his  jockey  ?  That  is  an  elegant 
and  quite  Olympic  idea,  but 
we  fancy  that  Foediiam  or 
Grimsttaw  would  grin  in  a 
very  remarkable  manner  if  the 
swells  on  the  Grand  Stand 
began  to  shy  flowers  at  either,  when  the  number  of  the  Derby  winner 
had  gone  up.  The  only  reference  to  the  goddess  of  flowers  that  we  ever 
heard  at  Epsom  was,  when  it  was  said  that  some  unlucky  betting 
party  had  had  a  regular  Floorer,  and  we  own  that  we  have  heard  this 
far  more  seldom  than  the  equivalent  remark,  that  such  a  party  had 
come  down  no  end  of  a  cropper.  We  are  in  no  sense  ridiculing  the 
elegant  practices  of  the  patrons  of  Le  Sport,  on  the  contrary,  we  should 
be  pleased  to  see  Loud  Derby,  Mr.  Merry,  and  Sir  Joseph  Hawley, 
walking  down  the  course,  arm  in  arm,  with  three  great  bouquets  for 
shirt-pins,  and  Ave  commend  the  subject  to  the  attention  of  the  Floral 
Hall. 


AN  OLD  FABLE  NEWLY  APPLIED. 

(Dedicated  to  the  Bench  of  Bishops,  and  the  Right  Hon.  B.  Disraeli, 

M.P.) 

Once  on  a  time,  when,  yEsop  has  shown  clearly,  _ 

All  beasts  could  talk,  that  now  go  dumbly  stalking, 
(And  not  the  monkeys,  owls,  and  asses  merely, 

Who  still  enjoy  the  privilege  of  talking) 
The  Man,  who  somehow  even  then  contrived 
To  do  his  quadruped  acquaintance  brown, 
Footsore  from  a  long  baking  tramp  arrived 

At  a  green  lawn,  to  which  a  wood  ran  down. 
Quoth  he,  "  Pedestrian  exercise,  they  say, 
Is  mighty  wholesome,  but  on  such  a  day^ 
O  'er  a  hard  road,  and  in  tight  shoes,  beside. 
Shanks'  nag  is  the  worst  beast  a  man  can  ride. 
If  I  could  only  make  a  shift, 
Somehow,  to  get  a  lift, 
I  shouldn't  be  at  all  particular 
About  the  points  of  what  I  had  below  me  ; 
So  that  it  could  preserve  its  perpendicular, 
And  bear  my  weight,  I  'd  mount  ought  you  could  show  me  !  " 
As  thus  he  pondered,  bounding  from  the  wood, 
At  gaze  a  Stag  there  stood — 
Eying  the  Man,  ev'n  as  the  Man  eyed  him. 
"  No — you  won't  do,"  quoth  he,  "  you've  legs  too  slim, 

A  haunch  more  fit  for  roasting  than  for  riding ; 
Besides  those  horns  of  his  are  vile  iuventions,_ 

And  e'en  if  I  could  ride,  I  couldn't  catch  him." 
The  while  he  pondered,  still  the  Stag  did  watch  him 

With  his  large  eye—  I  know  not  if  confiding 
In  his  own  fleetness,  or  the  Man's  intentions — 
When  sudden,  with  a  shake  of  his  wide  horn, 
xVnd  stamp,  half  rage,  half  scorn, 
He  flung  his  autlered  head  up  in  disdain — 
As  who  'd  say,  "  Hang  it — there 's  that  bore  again !"' 
The  Man  turned  round,  and  saw,  pawing  and  prancing— 
But  rather  more  retreating  than  advancing — 
An  unbroke  Colt,  well  up  to  fourteen  stone, 

To  whom,  with  half  a  glance  'twas  just  as  clear, 
Bridle  and  saddle  were  things  all  unknown, 

As  that  he  had  no  liking  for  red  deer. 
The  Man  approached,  and  with  a  well-bred  bow 
Profcrred  the  Colt  "good-day." 


Adding  aside,  "Just  my  weight,  I  should  say" — 
Assured  him,  he  with  safety  might  draw  near, 

The  Colt,  retreating,  answered  with  a  neigh. 

"  I  see,"  observed  the  Man,  "  the  Stag  annoys  you ; 

'Tis  an  annoying  brute.    What  with  his  airs, 
Those  long  thin  legs — like  a  four-footed  stork— 

Those  horns,  on  which,  if  angry,  he  can  poise  you 
As  bumpkins  poise  a  truss  upon  a  fork." 

The  Colt  took  up  the  tale—"  Yes,  and  his  smell, — 

His  droppings,— I  can't  come  near  where  he  feeds, 

Poisoning  pasture-grounds  and  poaching  meads, 

Insulting  us,  and  injuring,  as  well. 

Could  I  but  catch  him,  I'd  pay  off  his  scorns ; 

I  have  the  speed,  but,  then,  those  horrid  horns  ! " 

"  That  for  his  horns,"  quoth  Homo,  "  horns,  indeed  ! 

I'd  soon  cut  them,  if  I  had  but  the  speed. 

I'll  tell  you  what,  we  both  abhor  the  brute, 

Suppose  we  both  combine  in  his  pursuit  ? 

You  have  the  speed  of  limb  I  lack, 

So  just  let  me  get  up  upon  your  back ; 

Your  speed,  my  skill  together,  soon  will  do  't. 

How  say  you  ?  "    The  confiding  Steed 

Straight  to  the  joint-stock  partnership  agreed  : 
"  Get  up  at  once."     "  But  softly,"  quoth  the  Man, 
"  I  don't  see  how  1  can, 

Without  a  something  to  climb  up  and  hold  by : 

I  think  that  something 's  laid  here  in  the  fold  by." 

So  from  a  stall  near,  while  the  groom  was  napping, 
He  stole  a  set  of  trapping. 

"  How  fine  I  shall  look  ? "  quoth  Sir  Colt,  and  sidled 

With  pride,  as  he  was  saddled,  girthed,  and  bridled. 
'Twas  done,  the  Man  was  mounted  in  a  crack, 
His  heels  well  down,  his  body  well  thrown  back, 
A  light,  firm  hand  upon  the  Pelham  bit — 
The  Colt  might  do  his  worst— the  Man  could  sit. 
They  dashed  towards  the  Stag  with  view-halloo, 
The  Stag  turned  tail,  and  fled  as  Stags  will  do. 
The  Colt  triumphant  neighed,  and  whinnied  loud, 
"  Look  at  the  sneak  !— for  all  his  horns,  he 's  cowed. 
We  've  put  to  flight,  now  let  us  catch  and  slay." 
"  No,"  quoth  the  Man,  "  my  road  lies  'tother  way." 
"  Your  road  ?  "  exclaimed  the  sore  astonished  Colt, 
"  Yes,"  quoth  the  Man,  "  'twixt  horse  and  rider,  know 

The  rider  settles  what 's  the  road  to  go. 
Woe  to  the  horse,  if  he  try  buck  or  bolt." 

"  Get  off ! "  cried  Colt,  "  If  you  would  not  be  thrown. 
1  let  you  on  my  back,  to  catch  the  Deer  !  " 

"  That  was,  when  you  'd  a  will,  Colt,  of  your  own  ; 
Now  girthed  ami  bitted,  know  your  will  is  here  !  " 
Sharply  he  drove  the  spur  into  his  side, 
With  iron  hand  the  Pelham  bit  applied, 
The  Colt  discovered,  all  too  late,  alas, 
He  had  been  taken  in— but  not  to  grass  ! 

And  loath  to  own  how  simply  he  'd  been  hummed, 

Whinnied,  winced,  kicked,— was  punished  and  succumbed. 

MORAL. 

My  Brother  overseers,— for  what  is  Bishop 

But  Overseer,  and  who  o'ersees  like  Bunch  ? — 
My  fable  for  your  eating  as  I  dish  up, 

For  your  dessert  the  nut  of  it  I  '11  crunch. 
When  to  old  Mother  Church's  stout  upholders, 

A  statesman  sly  points  out  some  foe  tremendous, 
And  asks  Dame  Church  to  take  him  on  her  shoulders, 

That  he  may  deal  the  foe  a  stroke  stupendous, 
Think  of  the  Horse  who  let  the  Man  bestride  him, 

To  hunt  the  Stag  he  thought,  hut  found  it  was  to  lide  him. 


The  Truth  is  sure  to  Come  out  at  Last. 

We  read  that  two  of  the  American  States  alone  can  muster  not 
less  than  4,000,000  pigs.  This  lets  us  into  the  secret  at  once  of 
where  the  Yankees  get  their  tremendous  quantity  of  gammon.  They 
seem  to  possess  inexhaustible  supplies— more  than  sufficient  to  supply 
the  whole  world  with,  and  yet  leave  a  handsome  balance  for  home 
consumption. 

the  "  vol  a  l'amebicaine." 
There  is  a  clever  trick,  known  amongst  French  police-officers,  under 
the  above  name.  The  only  "  Vol  a  I'Americaine  "  that  we  know  of  is 
Annexation,  and,  we  must  say,  the  French  have  taken  to  it  with  such 
quick-lingered  cleverness  that  they  are  well  qualified  to  give^the 
Yankees  themselves  a  lesson  or  two  in  the  Kleptomaniac  art  of  "ap- 
propriating that  which  does  not  properly  belong  to  you." 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI— November  23,  1861. 


MAPPIN     BROTHERS' 
LONDON     ESTABLISHMENT     IS 
AT  LONDON  BRIDGE.— Established  in  Sheffield, 

A.D.1S10. 

Mappin  Brothers'   Gentleman's    Guinea   Dressing 

Case. 
Mappin  Brothers'  Two  Guinea  Dressing  Case,  in 

Solid  Leather. 
Mappin  Brothers'    Four    Pound    Dressing  Bag   is 

recommended  for  strong  service. 
Mappin  Brothers'  Leather  Dressing  Case  for  Ladies, 

J£l  4s. 
Mappin  Brothers*  Leather  Dressing  Case,  lined  with 

silk  velvet,  lock  and  key,  £'2  12s. 
Mappin    Brothers'    Travelling   Dressing    Bag    for 

Ladies,  <£'•!  4s. 
An    Illustrated  Catalogue   sent   gratis   and  post 
free.— Mappin  Brothers,  67  and  68,  King  William 
Street,    London    Bridge.     Manufactory,    Queen's 
Cutlery  Works,  Sheffield. 


W&m  Q.EMEN 


PATTERI 

■rokoios  Oxford  S-  London  \V. 


fTARVEY'S       SAUCE.- 

«&&.  CAUTION.— The  admirers  of  this 
celebrated  Sauce  are  particularly  requested  to  ob- 
serve that  each  bottle  bears  the  well-known  label, 
signed  "Elizabeth  Lazenby."  This  label  is  protected 
by  perpetual  injunction  in  Chancery  of  the  Urh  July, 
1&58,  and.  without  it  none  can  be  genuine. 

E.  Lazenby  and  Son,  of  6,  Edwards  Street,  Tort- 
man  Square,  London,  as  sole  proprietors  of  the 
receipt  tor  Harvey's  Sauce,  are  compelled  to  give  this 
caution,  from  the  fact  that  their  labels  are  closely 
imitated  with  a  view  to  deceive  purchasers. 

THE  MAGIC  SAILOR ;  THE 

A  JOLLY  JACK  TAtt.—  A  characteristic 
Figure,  which  Dances,  keeping  Time  to  Music, 
creating  roars  of  laughter,  defying  detection.  Sent 
post  free  for  13  stamps.  The  wizard's  box  of  raainc 
—six  new  tricks  by  return  free  for  20  stamps.  The 
Wizard's  Note  Book  on  Magic, free  for  7  stamps. 

W.  Greig,  6,  South  Kow,  Carnaby  Street,  W., 
London. 

f  EATIIG'S     COUGH 

*®»  LOZENGES.— What  Diseases  are  more 
Fatal  in  their  consequences  than  neglected  Coughs, 
Colds,  Sore  Throats,  or  Lungular  Affections? 
The  first  and  best  remedy  is  KEATING'S  COUGH 
LOZENGES. 

Sold  in  Boxes,  Is.  l^d.,  and  Tins,  2s.  M.  each,  by 
Thomas  Keating,  79,  St.  Paul's  Churchyard, 
London.    Ketail  by  all  Druggists,  &c. 

A  New  and  Valuable  Preparation  of  Cocoa. 

PRY'S       ICELAND 

A  MOSS     COCOA. 

In  1  lb.,  ilb.,  and  j  lb.  packets. 

Sold  by  Grocers  and  Druggists. 

J.  S.  Fit*  &  Sons,  Bristol  and  London. 


j  PHILLIPSOK  &  0a*8  Hsrsr  Fsrfnnw 

j     "  LA  DUCHESSE." 


:? 


}  ThePOMADE,S».«rf.jSO.W.'.'<.;<>iI,..*3.5d.  J 
J  Perfumery  for  svtry  sfcnsM.   feigjosase&ee.  I 


ROBINSON'S    PATENT 
BARLEY,  for  making  quickly  and  at 
small  cost  superior  Barley  Water. 

■pQBINSON'S    PATENT 

■&&  GROATS,  the  most  esteemed  and  best 
known  preparation  for  making  pure  Gruel. 

f«0CKS'S     CELEBRATED 

V  READING  SAUCE, 

Which  is  bo  highly  esteemed  with  Fish,  Game, 
Steaks,  Soups,  Grills,  Gravies,  Hot  &  Cold  Meats, 
aud  unrivalled  for  general  use,  is  Sold  by  the  most 
respectable  Dealers  in  Fish  Sauces. 

C.  Cocks,  Reading,  Sole  Manufacturer. 


PRICHARD'S   DANDELION, 

■*■      CHAMOMILE,      RHUBARB,     AND 

GINGER  PILLS  are  unequalled  in  Great  Britain 
for  the  cure  of  Indigestion  aud  all  Bilious  Disorders 
In  bottles,  Is.  lid.,  vs.  9rf.,  4s.  (id.,  and  Us. 
Address,  65,  Charing  Cross. 

JPOR  PERFUMING  AP  ART- 
'S- MENTS  INSTANTLY  AND  MOST 
AGREEABLY.— The  Pastilles  Allurnettes  emit  a 
most  delicious  perfume  immediately  on  being  lighted, 
and  are  the  most  easily  appiied  of  all  fumigating 
apparatus.    Price  6d.  per  Bundle. 

H.  Rigge,  35,  New  Bond  Street. 

ILLSOPP'S  PALE  ALE,  IN 

**  Buttle,  recommended  by  Baron  Liobig 
and  all  the  faculty,  may  now  be  had  in  the  finest 
condition  of  Messrs.  Harrington,  Parker  &  Co 
X?'  PaL1^Ia11'  and    14*'  Regent  Street,  Waterloo 
Place,  S.W. 


SHEFFIELD   MANUEACTUBEBS, 
OPPOSITE  TO  THE  PANTHEON,  OXFORD  STREET, 

THE  ONLY  LONDON  ADDRESS. 

THE  LARGEST  STOCK  IN  LONDON  OF  CUTLERY  AND 
ELECTRO-SILVER  PLATE, 

The  most  beautiful  and  varied  assortment  to  be  seen  anywhere,  of  Tea  and  Dinner  Services, 
Cruets,  Cruet  Frames,  Dish  Covers,  Side  Dishes,  Waiters,  Tea-Trays,  Fruit  Stands, Epergnes, 
<fcc.,  the  Quality  excellent,  and  the  Prices  most  reasonable. 

Forwarded  direct  from  their  Manufactory,  ROYAL  CUTLERY  WORKS,  Sheffield. 
MAPPIN   &  Co.'s  UNRIVALLED  TABLE  CUTLERY. 


1  doz.  Table  Knives,  Ivory  handles. 

1  doz.  Cheese  Knives    

1  pair  Registered  Meat  Carvers    .... 

1  pair  Extra  size  ditto .... 

1  pair  Poultry  Carvers 

I  Steel  for  sharpening  ., , 


Complete  Service    £2    0    0    £3    0    6 


Good. 


£0  13  0 

0  10  0 

0     4  6 

0    5  6 

0    4  6 

0    2  6 


Medium.         Superior. 


£10  0 

0  15  0 

0    7  0 

0    8  0 

0    7  0 

0    3  6 


£1  15 
1  5 
0  12 
0  13 
0  12 
0    4 


£5    2    0 


These  Table  Knives  are  guaranteed  the  best  sold  in  London,  at  the  prices  charged.     They  are 
made  from  the  very  best  steel,  and  the  handles  are  so  secured  that  they  cannot  become  loose  in 
hot  water.     It  is  in  consequence  of  MESSRS.  MAPPIN  &  Co.  being  Manufacturers,  that  they 
are  enabled  to  offer  their  Table  Knives  at  such  unprecedented  low  prices. 
MAPPIN  <&  Co.  have  no  connection  with  any  House  of  a  similar  name  in  London. 
MAPPIN  AND  Co.,  London  Show  Rooms,    ©Dposite  to  the 
PANTHEON,  OXFORD   STREET; 
SHEFFIELD  MANUFACTORY,  ROYAL  CUTLERY  WORKS. 


CONTINENTAL  IMPORTATIONS  FOE  PRESENTATION. 

T.  A.  S 

"RESPECTFULLY  announce  to  their  numerous  Patrons  that  they  are  now  receiving  from  the 
J-*'  Continent  large  assortments  of  NOVELTIES  SUITABLE  FOR  PRESENTATION,  and  will 
continue  to  do  so  for  the  present  and  forthcoming  Christmas  Season. 

T.  A.  S.  &  Co.  solicit  the  honour  of  a  visit  to  inspect  their  Choice  and  Elegant  Collection, 
varying  at  prices  to  suit  all  purchasers  from  5  v.  to  £500. 

ONE  OF  THE  LARGEST  AND  MOST  SELECT  STOCKS  IN  THE  METROPOLIS. 

T.  A.  SIMPSON  &  Co., 

GOLDSMITHS,  SILVERSMITHS,  JEWELLERS,  WATCH   &   CLOCK   MANUFACTURERS, 
DRESSING-CASE  MAKERS  AND  FOREIGN  IMPORTERS, 

154,  Regent  Street,  and  8,  Beak  Street;  and  Paris,  Rue  de  Rivoli. 


KINGSFORD'S 


For  Puddings,  Custards,  Rlanc  Mange,  &c. 
IS  THE  ORIGINAL  ARTICLE— ESTABLISHED  1849. 

The  Oswego  has  a  Delicacy  and  Purity  not  possessed  by  any  of  the  English 

Imitations. 
$SF  Give  it  one  trial,  so  as  to  know  what  the  genuine  American  article  is. 


IMPORTANT 


ANNOUNCEMENT. 


FURNISHING    Ware- 
houses,  69,  70,   71,  72,    73,  74,  75, 

Westminster  Bridge  Road,  Lambeth. 

ATKINSON  &  Co.  have  always  on  hand  a  very 
large  and  choice  Stock  of  every  requisite  for  fur- 
nishing a  house. 

Bedroom  suite  complete  from  #7  lo«. 
Dining  or  Sitting-room    „      &\2  12s. 

Drawing-room  in  fine  figured  Walnut-wood,  stuffed 
all  hair,  covered  in  Rep,  from  £21  Ids.  warranted. 

Catalogues  (tohe  had  either  on  application  or 
post  free)  containing  numerous  designs,  accom- 
panied with  Estimates  for  a  complete  House — or  the 
price  of  a  single  piece  of  Furniture. 

Carpets  :  Turkey,  Axminster,  Brussels,  Kidder- 
minster, &c.  &c. 

Curtain  fabrics  in  Brocatelle,  Toumay,  Pep,  Silk 
and  Worsted,  all  Wool  and  Union  Damasks,  Muslin 
Curtains,  Table  Covers,  Blankets,  Sheetings,  and 
every  other  description  of  domestic  Drapery, 


From  the  Cook's  Guide,  (Published  by 
Ma.  Bentley,  New  Burlington  Street) 
by  Mons.  C.  E.  Francatelli,  late  Chief 
Cook  to  Her  Majesty, 

A  LIGHT  PUDDING  FOR  INVALIDS. 
To  one  dessert- spoonful  of  Brown  and 
Poison,  add  two  ounces  of  pounded 
sugar,  three  gills  of  milk,  one  ounce  of 
butter,  a  pinch  of  salt,  and  a  tea-spoonful 
of  orange-flower  water;  stir  briskly  on 
the  tire  till  it  boils  ;  then  work  in  three 
yolks  of  eggs,  and  the  three  whites 
whisked  firm  ;  pour  this  into  a  buttered 
mould  or  pudding  basin,  and  steam  it  in 
the  usual  way. 

BROWN  &  POLSON,  Manufacturers  and  Purveyors  to  Her  Majesty  the  Queen. 
Paisley,  Manchester,  Dublin,  and  London. 

UNITED    STATES    OF   AMERICA. 


METALLIC   PEN   MAKER  TO  THE    QUEEN, 

BY  ROYAL  COMMAND, 

JOSEPH    GILLOTT 

TJEGS  most  respectfully  to  inform  the  Commercial  World,  Scholastic  Institutions,  and  the 
public  generally,  that  by  a  novel  application  of  his  unrivalled  Machinrry  for  making  Steel  Pens,  and  in  accordance 
with  the  scientific  spirit  of  the  times,  he  has  introduced  a  new  series  of  his  useful  productions,  which,  for  excel- 
lence of  temper,  quality  op  matertal,  and,  above  all,  cheapness  in  price,  he  believes  will  ensure  universal 
approbation,  and  defy  competition.  Each  Pen  bears  the  impress  of  Ins  name  as  a  guarantee  of  quality ;  and  they  are 
put  up  in  the  usual  style  of  boxes,  containing  one  gros3  each,  with  label  outside,  and  tin-  fa<*  simile  of  his  signature. 
At  the  request  of  persons  extensively  engaged  in  tuition,  J.  G.  has  iniroduced  his  WARRANTED  SCHOOL  AND 
PUBLIC  PENS,  which  are  especially  adapted  to  their  use,  being  of  different  degrees  of  flexibility,  and  with  fine, 
medium,  and  broad  points,  suitable  for  the  various  kinds  of  Writing  taught  in  Schools.  Sold  Retail  by  all  Stationers, 
Booksellers,  and  other  respectable  Dealers  in  Steel  Pens.  Merchants  and  Wholesale  Dealers  can  be  supplied  at  the 
Works,  Graham  Street ;  'Jti,  New  Street,  Birmingham; 

No.  91,  JOHN  STREET,  NEW  YORK  ;  and  at  37,  GRACEOHURCH  STREET,  LONDON,  E.C. 


TUXUEIANT     WHISKERS, 

"*■  Moustaches,  and  Eyebrows,  produced 
in  a  few  weeks  by  the  use  of  ELLIOTTS  TONIC 
LOTION,  the  stimulative  properties  of  which  are 
unfailing  in  its  operation.  Thomas  Elliott  invites  a 
trial  from  the  most  sceptical,  that  they  may  be  con- 
vinced of  its  infallible  power.  Price  3s.  6d.,  hs.6d., 
10s.  dd.,  and  21s.  Forwarded  on  receipt  of  postage 
stamps.  Thomas  Elliott,  Hair  Grower  (first  floor), 
51,  l'enchurch  Street,  E.C.    T.  E.'s  Wigs,  30s. 

©AUCE -LEA   &  PERRIES' 

KJ  WORCESTERSHIRE  SAUCE.  Pro- 
nounced by  Connoisseurs  to  be  "  The  only  Good 
Sauce." 

Sold  Wholesale  and  for  Export,  by  the  Proprietors, 
Worcester;  Messrs.  Crossb  &  Blackwell, London, 
&c.  &c,  and  by  Grocers  and  Oilmen  universally. 

fiOCKLE'S     ANTIBILXOXJS 

V  PILLS,  a  medicine  now  in  use  among 
all  classes  of  Society  for  indigestion,  uiiious,  liver, 
and  Stomach  Complaints.  Prepared  inly  bv  James 
Cockle,  18,  New  Ormond  Street,  and  lu  be  had  of 
all  Medicine  Vendors,  in  boxes  at  Is  ljd..  2»,  9d., 
and  4«.  bd. 

T  QNDON  AND  RYDER,  late 

&*&  Hancock,  Goldsmiths  aud  Jewellers, 
17,  New  Bond  Street,  respectfully  invite  the  notice 
of  the  nobility,  4c,  to  their  New  Stock  of  Elegant 
Jewellery.  Every  article  in  the  best  possible  taste, 
and  at  moderate  prices.  A  variety  of  novelties  spe- 
cially adapted  for  Wedding  Souvenirs.  Diamonds 
rearranged,  &c.  17,  New  Bond  Street,  corner  of 
Cliflord  Street.    Established  30  Years. 


Whip  Mjinufactubbkb, 
314,  Oxford  Street,  London. 
Agents.— All  Saddlers  in  every  Country  Town. 
A  large  assortment  of  the  following  GOODS  always 
in  stock: — Spurs,  dog  chains,  couples  and  collars, 
greyhound  slips,  whittles,  ferret  bells,  dog  bells  and 
muzzles,  drinking  flasks,  Sandwich  cases,  hunting 
and  post  horns,  tourist  kegs,  birdcalls,  &c.  &c. 

gANGSTERS* 

Silk   and  Alpaca 
Umbrellas,    and    Sun 
Shades,   on  Fox's  Pa- 
ragon Frames. 
140,  Regent  Street,  W.  ; 
94,  Fleet  Street,  E.C.  ; 
10,  RoyalExchange,  E.  C. 
75,  Cheapside,  E.C. 
SHIPPERS  SUPPLIED. 

ffHUBB'S   PATENT  DETEC- 

V  TOR  LOCKS  ;  Chubb's  Fire  and  Bur- 

?lar  Proof  Safes;  Chubb's  Fireproof  Strong-room 
toors ;  Chubb's  Street-door  Latches,  with  small 
keys;  Chubb's  Cash  and  Deed  Boxes.— Illustrated 
Price  List  sent  free. 

Csubb  ft  Son,  No.  57.  St.  Paul's  Churchyard. 

fiOALS.-BEST  COALS  ONLY. 

V  —  OOUKERELL&  Co's  price  is  now  27s. 
per  Ton  cash  for  the  BEST  SCREENED  COALS 
as  supplied  by  them  to  Her  Majesty.  IS.  Combil; 
Purfteet  Wharf,  Earl  Street,  Blackfriars,  E.C; 
Eaton  Wharf,  Grosvenor  Canal,  Piinlieo,  S.VV.; 
and  Sunderland  Wharf,  Peckham,  S.E. 

THE      FAIRY     BOTJaUET ; 

'*■  THE  OXFORD  AND  CAMBRIDGE 
BOUQUET.— These  popular  and  celebrated  Per- 
fumes are  not  genuine  unless  they  have  the  names 
and  address  of  the  original  and  only  makers  on  each 
bottle. — Metcalfe,  Binglex  &  Co,,  130b  and  131, 
Oxford  Street.    In  Bottles,  "2s„  3s.  6d.,  and  6a. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI— November  23,  1861. 


COMPLETION 

OP 

THE  ENGLISH  CYCLOPEDIA 

Conducted  by  CHARLES  KNIGHT. 


The  English  Cyclopedia  is  Published  in  Four.  Divisions,  each 
Division  being  complete  in  itself. 


THE   CYCLOPEDIA   OF  GEOGRAPHY, 


THE   CYCLOPEDIA   OF   BIOGRAPHY. 

THE  CYCLOPEDIA  OF  NATURAL  HISTORY. 

THE   CYCLOPEDIA   OF  ARTS  AND 
SCIENCES. 


Each  Division  of   the   English  Cyclopaedia  is  sold  as  a  separate 

Work. 

4  Vols.,  £2     2  0  or  2  Vols.,  half  moroc.  £2  10  0 
6  Vols.,     3     0  0        3  Vols.,  „  3  12  0 

4  Vols.,    2     2  0        2  Vols.,  „  2  10  0 

8  Vols.,     4  16  0        4  Vols.,  „  5  12  0 


GEOGRAPHY 
BIOGRAPHY 
NATURAL  HISTORY 
ARTS  AND  SCIENCES 


*  For  fidl  details,  see  Prospectus,  which  may  he  had. from  thePublii 
or  through  any  Bookseller. 


From  the  Times.     Oct.  4,  1861. 


"As  regards  the  contents  of  this  Cyclopredia,  it  is,  however,  impossible  to  give 
any  sufficient  impression  of  an  aggregate  which  includes  somewhere  or  other  all  the 
information  generally  required  upon  every  conceivable  topic.  A  good  Encyclopaedia, 
as  every  one  knows,  is  a  compendious  library,  and  though  students  may  require 
further  information  upon  some  points  than  its  summaries  contain,  even  students  will 
be  surprised  in  this  instance  to  find  the  materials  at  their  disposal  when  they  once 
adopt  the  habit  of  resorting  to  its  pages.  For  all  practical  purposes  a  large  propor- 
tion of  the  articles  may  be  said  to  be  exhaustive  ;  they  are  accurate  to  a  degree  which 
will  strike  even  those  who  know  what  pains  have  been  taken  to  render  them  so ; 
and,  as  they  are  concise  as  well  as  full,  every  column  being  rammed  like  a  sky-rocket, 
the  owner  has  a  reservoir  out  of  all  proportion  to  the  library  shelves  it  will  occupy." 


From  the  Daily  News.  Oct.  23,  1861. 
4 '  In  its  completed  form  'The  English  Cyclopaedia '  is  destined,  we  ai-e  sure,  to 
prove  of  immense  value.  It  is  well  written,  and  its  vast  stores  of  knowledge  are  so 
arranged  as  to  be  readily  accessible.  It  is  so  copious  that  the  student  need  not  doubt 
that  he  will  find  the  information  he  may  reasonably  expect  in  a  work  which  is  offered 
to  him  as  '  A  New  Dictionary  of  Universal  Knowledge.'  Its  cheapness,  combined 
with  excellence,  marks  it  out  for  a  very  wide  circulation.  We  repeat  our  congratula- 
tions to  Mr.  Knight  who  has  so  honourably  brought  his  important  undertaking 
to  a  close." 

From  the  Saturday  Review.     Sept.  28,  1861. 

"Upon  the  whole,  then,  we  are  able  to  speak  very  favourably  of  this  new  Cyclo- 
paedia. Its  great  recommendation  is  not  its  comparative  cheapness  (though  the  cost 
only  averages  about  half  a  guinea  a  volume),  but  its  originality,  completeness,  and 
general  trustworthiness.  We  may  express  a  hope  that  its  enterprising  publisher 
will  have  no  reason  to  regret  his  considerable  venture.  He  is  not  likely,  we  think, 
to  have  to  complain  of  want  of  patronage,  if  it  is  sufficiently  remembered  that  any 
one  of  his  four  great  Divisions  may  be  purchased  separately  as  a  work  complete  in 
itself.  Few  may  be  able  to  afford  the  whole  series  ;  but  there  are  many  who  will  be 
glad  to  procure,  for  example,  a  Biographical  Dictionary,  while  others  will  require, 
for  their  peculiar  tastes  or  studies,  the  Geographical  Cyclopedia,  or  those  of  the  Arts 
and  Sciences,  or  of  Natural  History." 


From  the  Working  Men's  College  Magazine.  Nov.  1861. 
"  Mr.  Charles  Knight  has  at  length  completed  his  'English  Cyclopedia  '  on  the 
foundation  of  the  excellent  but  now  lagging  '  Penny  Cyclopedia. '  We  mention  it 
here  because  it  is  a  book  for  every  Working  Men's  College  Library.  The  total  cost  of 
it,  in  stout  half-morocco,  suited  to  long  service,  is  £14  4s.  ;  but  it  is  also  sold  in 
parts  or  numbers  as  required.  It  consists  of  eleven  great  volumes,  two  devoted  to 
Geography,  three  to  Biography,  two  to  Natural  History,  and  four  to  Arts  and 
Sciences.  No  critic  can  pretend  to  have  read  it  ;  but  only  to  have  read  in  it.  All, 
however,  speak  highly,  most  highly,  in  its  praise  ;  its  peculiar  merits  seem  to  con- 
sist in  its  convenient  divisions  ;  and  a  large  degree  of  completeness,  combined  with  a 
very  moderate  price." 

BRADBURY  AND  EVANS,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


SPORTING    WORKS. 

WITH  COLOURED  ENGRAVINGS,  AND  NUMEROUS  WOODCUTS, 

BY  JOHN  LEECH. 


One  Vol.  8vo,  Price  14s., 


MR.  SPONGE'S  SPORTING  TOUR.     By  the  Author  of 
"  Handley  Cross,  &c."    With  Coloured  EngraviDgs,  &c.     By  JOHN  LEECH. 

8vo,  Price  18s., 

HANDLEY    CROSS ;    or,   MR.  JORROCKS'S     HUNT. 
With  coloured  EngraviDgs,  &c.     By  JOHN  LEECH. 


A 


Svo,  Price  14s., 

SK  MAMMA;     or,  THE  RICHEST  COMMONER  IN 

ENGLAND.     By  the  Author  of  "  Sponge's  Tour,"  "Handley  Cross,"  &c.     Illustrated 
with  Thirteen  Coloured  Engravings,  and  numerous  Woodcuts.     By  JOHN  LEECH. 


One  Vol.  Svo,  Price  14s.  cloth, 

PLAIN    OR    RINGLETS  ?     By  the  Author  of 

J-       Cross,"  &c.     With  Coloured  Engravings,  &c.     By  JOHN  LEECH. 


Handley 


M 


R.  BRIGGS   AND 


Price  10s.  Gd., 

HIS   DOINGS. 


Series  of  Twelve  Coloured  Plates,  Enlarged  from  the  Original  Drawings. 
LEECH. 


(FISHING.)      A 

By  JOHN 


ILLUSTRATED    WORKS. 


In  Three  handsome  Folio  Volumes,  Price  12s.  each, 

PICTURES    OF    LIFE    AND    CHARACTER. 

-L       Collection  of  Mr.  Punch.     By  JOHN  LEECH. 


From  the 


Price  5s.  Plain  ;   7s.  Gd.  Coloured, 

YOUNG    TROUBLESOME;     or,    MASTER   JACKY'S 

-i-      HOLIDAYS.     By  JOHN  LEECH. 


A  handsome  4to.  Volume,  Cloth  extra,  Price  21s 


THE  FOREIGN  TOUR  OF  MESSRS.  BROWN,  JONES, 

-»-      AND  ROBINSON.     What  they  saw  and  did  iu  Belgium,  Germauy,  Switzerlaod,  and 


Italy.     By  RICHARD  DOYLE 


Elegantly  hound  in  half  morocco,  Price  15s. 

MANNERS  AND  CUSTOMS  OF  THE  ENGLISH.     By 
RICHARD  DOYLE.    With  Extracts  by  PERCIVAL  LEIGH  from  "Pips'  Diary." 


Handsomely  bound  in  Two  Vols.  Price  21s., 

^HE  COMIC  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND.     By   Gilbert 

A.  A'BECKETT.     With  Coloured  Engravings  and  Woodcuts.     By  JOHN  LEECH. 


± 


Handsomely  bound  in  Cloth,  Price  lis., 

THE    COMIC    HISTORY  OF    ROME.      By  Gilbert 

J-     A'BECKETT.     With  Coloured  Engravings  and  Woodcuts.     By  JOHN  LEECH. 


WORKS    PUBLISHED  AT  THE    PUNCH    OFFICE. 


In  Monthly  Volumes,  Price  5s.  boards,  and  in  Double  Volumes,  alternate  months,  Price 

10s.  Gd.,  cloth,  gilt. 

THE  RE-ISSUE  OF  PUNCH.     The  following  are  already 

J-      Published : 

Vol.     1    .(For  1811) 0s.  I      Vols.  4  and  5  (1843)  10s.  Gd. 

Vols.  2  and  S   (1842) 10s.  Gd.  \      Vols.  6  and  7  (1844)  10s.  Gd. 

Vols.  8  and  9  (1845)  10s.  Gd. 


PUNCH'S  POCKET-BOOK  FOR  1862.  With  a  Coloured 
Illustration  by  JOHN  LEECH,  and  numerous  Woodcuts  by  JOHN  LEECH  and 
JOHN  TENNiEL.     Price  2s.  Gd.,  morocco  tuck. 

PUNCH'S    ALMANACK    FOR    1862.  (In December.) 


PUNCH'S 

-L       2s.  Gd.  iu  stiff  boards,  Gilt  edges 


TEN    ALMANACKS.     181-2   to   1851. 

Series. 


Price 
1852 
1861. 


PUNCH'S    TEN    ALMANACKS.     Second 

X       to  1861.     Price  2s.  Gd. 

PUNCH'S    TWENTY    ALMANACKS.      1842    to 

J-       Bound  in  Clotb,  Price  5s.  Gd. 

"It  was  a  happy  notion  to  reproduce  a  volume  of  these  Almanacks  for  the  last  twenty 
years,  in  which  we  can  trace  their  manifest  improvement  up  to  Christmas,  I860."—  Times. 

BRADBURY  AND  EVANS,   11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


Printed  b 


>y  William  Bradbury,  of  No.  13,  Upper  Woburn  Place,  and  Frederick  Mullett  Evans,  of  No.  19,  Queen's  Road  West,  Regent's  Park,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Pancras.  in  the  County  of  Middlesex,  Printers,  at  their 
Office  in  Lombard  Street,  in  the  Precinct  of  Whitefriars.in  the  City  of  London  ,  and  Published  by  them  at  85,  Fleet  street,  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  City  of  London.— Sati'Bdav,  No-vember  23,1861.  _. 


In  Three  Handsome  Folio  Volumes,  Price  12s.  each, 

PICTURES  OF  LIFE  AND  CHARACTER, 

FROM  THE  COLLECTION  OF  MR.  PUNCH. 

By  JOHN  LEECH. 

Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


[This  clay  is  Published,  Price  2s.  6d., 

PUNCH'S    POCKET-BOOK     FOR     1862. 

With  a  Coloured  Illustration  (A  CROQUET  MATCH)  by  JOHN  LEECH,  and 

numerous  Woodcuts  by  JOHN  LEECH  and  JOHN  TENNIEL. 

Published  at  the  PUNCH  OFFICE,  85,  Fleet  Street,  and  sold  by  all  Booksellers  in 

Town  and  Country. 


r^ 


SPORTING  WORKS.     ILLUSTRATED  BY  JOHN  LEECH. 
MR.  SPONGE'S  SPORTING  TOUR.     One  Vol.    Price  145. 
HANDLEY  CROSS.     One  Vol.     Price  18*. 
ASK   MAMMA.     One  Vol.     Price  14s. 
PLAIN  OR  RINGLETS.     One  Vol.     Price  14s. 

.Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


THE    RE-ISSUE    OF   PUNCH. 

Vol.  10  in  boards,  Price  5s.  is  published  this  day.— The  following  are  already  pubtisned 

Vol.     1      (For  1841) 6s.  I      Vols.  4  and  5  (1843)  10s.  Gd. 

Vols.  2  and  3   (1842) 10s.  Gd.  |      Vols.  0  and  7  (1844)  10s.  Gd. 

Vols.  8  and  9  (1845)  10s.  Gd. 

*#*  Any  Volume  or  Double  Volume  may  always  be  had  separately. 
Bradbury  &,  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— November  30,  1861. 


13,  Great  Marlborough  Street. 

HTJKST  &  BLACKETT'S 
NEW  WORKS. 


T IFE  OF  J.  M.  W.  TUR2JER, 

■***  R  A.  From  Original  Letters  and 
Papers  furnished  by  his  Friends  and  Fellow 
Academicians.    By  Walteii  Tbokssuhy.    2  v. 

LIFE     OF     ADMIRAL     SIR 

CHARLES  NAPIER,  K.C.B.  By  Major-Gene- 
ral Eleks  Natiku.    2 v. 

FRENCH  WOMEN  OF   LET- 

TERS.  By  Julia  Kavakabh.  2v.21s. 

THE  LAST  OF  THE  MOB.TI- 

MERS.  By  the  Author  of  "  Margaret  Maitland." 

WHITE     AND     BL&CK.      A 

Tale  of  the  Southern  States.  3  v. 

TEE  VALLEY   OF  A  HUH- 

DRED  FIRES.  By  the  Author  of  "Margaret 
and  her  Bridesmaids."  Illustrated  by  J.  E. 
MiLi-Ats,  A.R.4.    5s.,  bound. 

TRAVELS    IN    THE    HOLY 

LAND.  By  Fredrika  Bremer.  Translated 
by  Mar*  Howitt.    2  v.    (Just  Ueady.) 

SPLENDID    MUSIC   GIFT- 

»  THE  BURLINGTON  ALBUM  for 
1862.  Price  15*.  List  of  Contents  Gratis  and  Post 
Free. 

London:  Robert  Cocks  &  Co.,  IsTew  Burlington 
Street,  Regent  Street,  W.,  Publishers  to  the  Queen. 


AHAN'S    LL    WHISKY 

V.  COGNAC  BRANDY.— This  cele- 
brated old  Irish  Whisky  rivals  the  finest  French 
Brandy.  It  is  pure,  mild,  mpllow,  delicious,  and 
very  wholesome.  Sold  in  bottles,  3s.  3d,  each,  at 
most  of  the  respectable  retail  houses  in  London;  by 
the  appointed  agents  in  the  principal  towns  in 
ttnglaml  ;  or  wholesale  at  8,  Great  Windmill  Street, 
Haymarket. — Observe  the  red  seal,  pink  label,  and 
cork  branded  "K'mahan's  LL.  Whisky." 


KNICKERBOCKER    SUITS. 

Fine  German  Wool,  j£3  3s.;  Australian  Wool, 
j62  12s.  6(1.;  Cheviot  Wool,  &1  lis.;  Mixed  Wool, 
£1  Is. 

H.  J.  &  D.  NICOLE'S  fashionable  winter  dress 
for  young  gentlemen. 

PATENT    LACEKNA. 

FineGf-rmanWool,  4'3:  Australian  Wool,  ..£2 10s.  fvf.; 
Cheviot  Wool,  £1  10s.;  Mixed  Wool,  1/s.h/. 

WING     CAPE. 

Fine  German  Wool,  ^£2  12s,  6-*. ;  Australian  Wool, 
£2  2s. ;  Cheviot  Wool,  £l  os. ;  Mixed  Wool,  12s.  M. 

114,  116,  118,  Resent  Street:  22,  Cornhill;  and  10, 
St.  Ann's  Square,  Manchester. 


/^■■vir  SSWSCTiS 


mm 


mmmit 


mw^. 


j  ,  y  ,.  . 


i 


m 

ROBINSON 

4  S&Luwluii3£ 


•DEDSTEADS-IN    . 

AS  IRON,  and  BRASS— fitted  with  furni- 
ture and  bedding  complete.  An  illustrated  cata- 
logue on  application. 

J.  Maple  &  Co.,  145,  Tottenham  Court  Road. 

fAKPETS!    CARPETS!    AT 

*W  an  Enormous  Redvietion.— In  conse- 
quence of  the  American  Panic. 

Stout  Brussels at  Is.    9irf. 

Five  Thousand  Pieces,  first-class  quality  at  2s.  "=5<J- 
Very  choice  patterns,  best  quality  .  .  at  2s.  %d. 
Rich  Velvet  Carpets  .  .  .  .  at  2s.  1  \d. 
J.  Maple  &  Co.,  145, Tottenham  Court  Road, London. 

T""MAPLE"rAND"Co."¥dR 

«s  *  carpets,   copies  from  nature. 

Entrance, 
145,  Tottenham  Court  Road. 


KING   WILLIAM    STREET,  LONDON   BRIDGE, 

ESTABLISHED  IN  SHEFFIELD,  A.D.  1810. 


ELECTRO-SILVER  SPOONS  AND  FORKS. 


Mappin  Brothers  guarantee  on  all  their  manufactures  in  Electro-Silver  Plate  a 
deposit  of  real  silver,  according  to  price  charged. 

stroii  g 

12  Table  Porks 

••  in  MILE  " 

"THREADED." 

"KING'S." 

PlHiCd 

strong. 
£    S.    d. 
1  16     0 
1  16     0 
17     0 
17     0 
0  16     0 

Plated 
extra  strong. 
£    S.  d. 
2     8     0 
2     S     0 
1  18     0 
1  18     0 
10     0 

Plated 
strong. 

&  s.    d. 

2  14    0 
2  14    0 
2     0     0 
2    0    0 
14     0 

I'latea 
extra  strong. 

£  t.    d. 
3  10     0 
3  10     0 
2  10     0 
2  10     0 
1  12     0 

Plated 
strong. 
£    S.    d. 
3     0     0 
3     0     0 
2     4    0 
2     4     0 
17    0 

Plated 
extra  strong. 
£   S.    d. 
3   18     0 
3  18     0 
2  14     0 
2  14    0 
1  16    0 

12  Tea  Spoons    

Officers'  Canteens  fitted  for  India  from  £10  to  £500,  according  to  contents  required,,  in  strong  Oak  Plate 
Chests,  iron  bound  and  triple-locked. 
Our  Catalogue  of  Drawings  and  Prices  (sent  post  free  on  application  to  London  Bridge)  will 
enable  intending  purchasers  to  make  their  selection  without  difficulty. 


CHRISTMAS  AND   NEW   YEAR'  S   GIFTS. 

COMBINING  THE  USEFUL  AND  ORNAMENTAL. 

rriHE  LOCK  STITCH  SEW- 
■*■  ing  Machine  will  Gather, 
Hem,  Fell,  Bind,  or  Stitch  with 
great  rapidity ;  is  the  best  for 
all  description  of  work ;  is 
simple,  compact,  and  elegant  in 
design,  and  is  suitable  alike  for 
the  Family  and  Manufacturer. 

Manufacturers  of  Foot's  Pa- 
tent Umbrella  Stand.  A  taste- 
ful stand,  with  perfect  security 
against  the  loss  of  an  Umbrella. 

Offices  and  Sale  Rooms,  139, 
Regent  Street,  London,  W. 

Instruction  gratis  to  every 
purchaser. 

Illustrated  Prospectus,  with 
testimonials,  gratis  and  post 
free. 


l'#ith  Recent  Improvements. 


Ornish    your    house 

WITH  THE   BEST  ARTICLES   AT 

DEANE'S 

IRONMONGERY   AND   FURNISHING    WAREHOUSES. 


DEANE'S     CELEBRATED     TABLE 
CUTLERY. 

Table      DeBsert 
Knives.     Knives.       Carvers. 
Finest  Ivory  Handles     33s.        28s.        lis.  Od.  I 
Medium        ,,  23s.        18s.  7s.  6d.  ; 

Good  ,,  16s.        12s.  5s.  6<i  j 

DEANE'S  Electro-Plate  Tea  and  Coffee  Sets,  j 

Liqueur    Stands,    Cruets,   Cake ; 

Baskets,  <fcc. 
DEANE'S  Dish  Covers  and  Britannia  Metal 

Goods. 
Prices  of  Tin  Dish  Covers  in  Sets  of 

Six  and  Seven:— 18s.,  30s.,  40s.,  I 

63s.,  78s. 
DEANE'S  Papier-mache"  Tea  Trays,   in  Sets,  I 

from   21s.      New    and     Elegant 

Patterns  constantly  introduced. 
DEANE'S  Bronzed,  Copper,  and  Brass  Goods. 
DEANE'S  Bronzed  Tea  Urns,  50s.,  63s.,  84s. 
DEANE'S  Moderator  Lamps,  from  7s.  to  £6  6s. 
AN  ILLUSTRATED  CATALOGUE  AND  PRIC 
DEANEI   &  Co.,  LONDON   BRI 


DEANE'S    ELECTRO-PLATED    SPOONS 
AND  FORKS. 

Table.    Dessert.         Tea. 
Spoons,  Best  Plating      40s.        30s.        ISs.  Od. 
Forks  ,,  38s.        29s.  — 

Spoons,  2nd  Quality        33s.        24s.        14s.  6d. 
Forks  ,,  31s.        23s.  — 

DEANE'S  Drawing  Room  Stoves,  Ranges,  &c. 
DEANE'S  Fenders  and  Fire  Irons. 
DEANE'S    Iron     Bedsteads,    with     Bedding. 
Priced  Pamphlet,  with  Drawings, 
post  free. 
DEANE'S  Domestic  Baths.      See    Illustrated 

Priced  Pamphlet. 
DEANE'S  Tin,  Japan,  and  Iron  Goods. 
DEANE'S  Cornices  aud  Cornice  Poles. 
DEANE'S  Horticultural  Tools. 
DEANE'S  Chandeliers  and  Gas  Fittings. 
ED  FURNISHING  LIST  SENT  POST  FREE. 
DGE.-Established  A.D.  1700. 


*  BOG£jjj$ 


.corner  of 
RecentStriet 


Strfet.  *j 
^Observe  particularly  Name  and  Address 


A 


TOOTH  from  5s.,  set  £2  10s.     Without  Springs,  "Wires,  or  any  painful  operation.     Natural 
Appearance  and  durability  guaranteed.     All  Consultations  free. 


THE    BEST    REMEDY    FOR    INDIGESTION. 

Are  confidently  recommended  as  a  simple 
but  certain  Remedy  for  Indigestion.  They 
act  as  a  powerful  Tonic  and  gentle  Aperi- 
ent ;    are    mild   iu   their  operation ;   safe 
under  any  circumstances  ;  and  thousands 
of  persons  can  now  bear  testimony  to  the 
benefits  to  be  derived  from  their  use. 
Sold  in  Bottles  at  Is.  lie?.,  2s.  <W.,  and  lis.  each,  in  every  town  in  the  kingdom. 
CAUTION— Be  sure  to  ask  for  "NORTON'S  PILLS,"  and  do  not  be  persuaded  to  purchase 
the  various  imitations. 


TOE    POCKET     SIPHONIA    DEPOT—  EDMISTON    AND     SON, 

*    Sole  Manufacturers  of  the  12  oz.  Waterproof  Coat  for  India,  guaranteed  not  to  be  sticky, 

no  matter  the  climate  it  is  subject  to.     From  42s.,  all  silk  50s.  to  65s.     Measurement  required, 

the  length  and  size  round  the  chest.    Knapsacks  for  Tourists,  18s.  6c?. 

FISHING  STOCKINGS,  21s.  to  25s.  per  pair. 

5,  CHARING   CROSS,  late   69,   STRAND. 


SLLNUTT'S      FRUIT 

*si  LOZENGES, 

For  Coughs,  Colds,  Sore  Throats,  Hoarseness,  &c. 
Prepared  solely  from  the 

BLACK  CURRANT. 

These  Lozenges,  in  which  the  acidity  of  the  Black 
Currant  is  concentrated  in  the  highest  degree,  afford 
great  relief  to  Aged  and  Consumptive  persons,  par- 
ticularly at  night.  Public  Speakers  and  Singers 
also  find  them  very  beneficial.  A  few  dissolved  in 
water,  make  a  pleasant,  Cooling  Drink  in  scarlet 
and  other  fevers.  As  attempts  to  pass  off  other 
black  currant  lozenges  as  equally  efficacious  are 
numerous,  be  careful  to  ask  for  "ALLNUTT'S 
FRUIT  LOZENGES,"  prepared  only  by  the  Pro- 
prietor, Frederick  Allnltt,  (late  Allnuit  and 
Son,)  12  and  13,  Chapel  Row,  Portsea- 

Sold  only  in  Boxes  at  Is.  ljrf.  each,  and  in  larger 
Boxes,  {one  containing  three)  at  2s.  6rf.  each,  by  one 
or  more  Patent  Medicine  Vendors  in  each  Town  in 
the  United  Kingdom.  Where  also  may  be  had  pre- 
pared by  the  above.  Aromatic  Fumigating  or  Pastile 
Paper.  This  Article  from  tbe  certainty  of  its  smoul- 
dering and  its  great  fragrance,  is  found  invaluable 
in  the  sick  room,  or  on  a  sea  voyage,  in  removing  the 
closeness  of  the  room  or  cabin,  and  in  overcoming  any 
unpleasant  effluvia,  from  whatever  rause  arising. 

Sold  in  Packets,  ttrf.  each.  A  Packet  forwarded 
free  by  post  on  receipt  of  six  stamps. 

EVERY  YEAR  AND  EVERY- 
WHERE, 

The  first  in  fashion, 
and  the  chief  in 
fame. 

Celebrated  for  qua- 
lity, the  fit  and 
name. 

DAILY  SUITS, 

42s. 

VISITING   SUITS, 

59s. 

INVENTORS 

AND 

SOLE  MAKERS. 

SAMUEL  BROTHERS, 
29,  Ludgate  Hill,    London,  E.C. 


ROWLANDS'  MACASSAR  OIL,  tor  promoting 
the  Growth,  Restoring  and  Beautifying  the  Human 
Hair. 

ROWLANDS'  KALYDOR  for  Improving  and 
Beautifying  the  Completion  and  Skin,  and  Eradi- 
cating Cutaneous  defects. 

ROWLANDS'  ODONTO,  or  Pearl  Dentifrice,  for 
the  Teeth,  Gums,  and  Breath. 

Sold  at  20,  Hatton  Garden,  and  by  Chemists  and 
Perfumers.  __ 

"OANGSTEES* 

^    Silk   and  Alpaca 
Umbrellas,    and    Sun 
Shades,   on  Fox's  Pa- 
ragon Frames. 
140,  Regent  Street,  W. ; 
94,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. ; 
10,  Roy  alEx  change,  E.C. 
75,  Cheapside,  E.C. 
SHIPPERS  SUPPLIED. 


IFIOLET  POWDER  FOR  THE 

¥  SKIN,  6d„,  9d.,  and  Is.  6d—  Liquid 
Rouge,  a  beautifully  natural  colour,  perfectly  inno- 
cent and  permanent,  ?s.  «rf.  Face  Powder,  Is.,  and 
Pearl  Powder,  vs.  6rf.    Milk  of  Roses. 

H.  Rigge,35,  New  Bond  Street. 


IMPORTANT    TO    OWNERS 

A  OF  HORSES.— No  more  Oats  or  Beans 
required  Jn  the  feeding  of  this  true  and  faithful 
ammal.  iTy  one  ton  of  THORLET'S  NEW  EE  LD- 
ING  MEAL,  composed  of  the  finest  Locust  Beans, 
Indian  Corn,  Linseed,  Sc,  *c,  well  seasoned 
with  Thorley's  Condiment.  Price  4616  per  Ton. 
Horsekeepers  are  respectfully  invited  to  give  this 
compound  a  fair  trial,  mixed  with  damp  chaff  and 
sotnwe  ki.se,  and  notice  the  saving  in  keep,  with 
au  improved  working  condition.  See  Dr.  Brown  s 
report,  and  trials  made  by  some  of  our  first  Carmen 
in  town  and  country.  A  Sample  Barrel,  containing 
12  Stones,  Carriage  Paid  to  any  Railway  Station  in 
the  United  Kingdom  (barrel  included)  for  30s.  14 
Barrels,  weighing  nett  21  cwt.,  at  16s.,  delivered  free 
to  Rail  in  London  (barrels  free),  £\5  16s.  Post- 
office  Orders  or  Cheques  must  be  made  payable  to 
the  Inventor,  Joseph  Thoiu,ev,  Steam  Mills,  Cale- 
donian Koad,  King's  Cross,  London.  N.B.— Pur- 
chasers of  5  tons  and  upwards,  are  charged  at  the 
rate  of  ,£15  per  Ton.       


November  30,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


215 


HISTORY-THE  ANCIENT   BRITONS. 

Emily  {reads).  "  In  the  Summer  thet  weee  Naked,  and  instead  op  Clothes 
thet  put  Paint  upon  their  Bodies.  Thet  were  fond  of  a  fine  blue  Colour, 
which  thet  made  of  a  plant  called  woad,  which  thet  found  in  their 
Woods.  Thet  squeezed  out  the  Juice  of  the  Woad,  and  then  stained 
themselves  all  over  with  it,  so  that  in  summer  thet  looked  as  if  thet 
were  dressed  in  tlght  blue  clothes." 

Arthur.  "And  did  thet  Walk  in  the  Park  and  go  to  Church  so?" 


PACEM,  PEAGRIM,  PRECAMUK. 

Oh  dear,  you  inopportune  Peagrim, 
It  'a  enough  to  give  any  one  meagrim, 
To  think  of  the  row  you  may  get  us  in  now, 
By  your  conduct,  inopportune  Peagrim  ! 

The  ship  Harvey  Birch  on  the  sea  grim 

You  might  board  and  might  burn,  Captain  Peagrim, 

And  we  only  should  say,  in  a  casual  way, 

'Twas  unlucky  she  met  Captain  Peagrim  ! 

But  when  in  Southampton  you  free,  grim, 
The  prisoners  you've  caught,  Captain  Peagrim, 
We  are  placed  in  a  fix,  to  pronounce  if  your  tricks 
Are  a  hero's,  or  pirate's,  oh  Peagrim  ! 

If  a  pirate  we  hold  Captain  Peagrim. 
The  Confederate  States  they  will  be  grim  ; 
And  again,  if  we  don't,  the  United  States  won't 
Be  disposed  to  take  our  view  of  Peagrim. 

Thus  placed  betwixt  two  fires  by  Peagrim, 
Mr.  Punch  is  afflicted  with  meagrim  : 
He  would  fain  be  impartial  in  any  court-martial 
That 's  held  on  the  status  of  Peagrim. 

A  lieutenant's  commission  holds  Peagrim, 
But  that  won't  on  the  wall  stick  the  flea,  grim. 
Though  lieutenant  he  be,  that 's  no  warrant  at  sea 
Giving  powers  of  capture  to  Peagrim. 

Yet  as  pirate  we  can't  give  up  Peagrim, 
At  the  yard-arm  straight  run  up  to  be,  grim  : 
Which  Adams,  I  fear,  will  declare  'tis  quite  clear, 
Is  the  right  sort  of  treatment  for  Peagrim. 

Yet  to  make  casus  belli  of  Peagrim — 
Loose  the  war-dogs,  by  land  and  by  sea,  grim ; 
For  a  man  with  that  name  !    On  the  annals  of  fame 
To  inscribe,  not  Britannia,  but  Peagrim  ! 

Then  let 's  all  pray  for  peace  spite  of  Peagrim  : 
May  war-fears  pass  off  like  a  meagrim ; 
And  by  hook  or  by  crook  may  we  live  to  rebuke 
Those  who  feel  apprehensions  from  Peagrim  ! 


A  Well-Wisher. 


There  is  a  man  in  Pennsylvania  who  has  the  power  of 
divining  the  existence  of  an  oil-spring  merely  by  the  smell. 
He  is  said  to  possess  this  penetrating  faculty  from  having 
a  very  strongly-developed  oil-factory  nerve. 


THE  PLAINT   OF   THE   CLUB-MEN. 

"Dear  Punch,  "Saturday. 

That  was  a  very  sensible  article  in  the  Globe  upon  the  hard- 
ships which  this  new  Bankruptcy  Act  (I  thought  it  was  my  Lord 
Westbury's,  but  I  see  by  the  American  papers  that  it  was  passed  by 
Mr.  Edwin  James)  will  inflict  upon  swells  and  decent  fellows,  if  some 
stringent  steps  are  not  taken  for  their  protection. 

"  Take  the  subject  up,  old  fellow. 

"  Where  the  shoe  pinches  is  here.  Of  course  every  decent  fellow  is  a 
member  of  some  club,  the  Gorillas  that  ain't  may  take  care  of  them- 
selves. 

"By  the  rules  of  clubs,  any  fellow  who  becomes  a  Bankrupt  or  an 
Insolvent,  thereby  ceases  to  be  a  member.  Now,  it's  a  monstrous 
injustice,  and  indeed  I  may  say  no  end  of  a  bore  to  be  shut  out  of  your 
set  merely  because  some  extortionate  beggar  of  a  money-lender,  or  'cove 
in  trade  insists  on  putting  the  screw  on  at  a  time  when  it 's  highly 
inconvenient. 

"  Under  this  Act  of  Lord  Westbury's,  or  Edwin  James's,  I  am  given 
to  understand  that  Insolvents  are  done  away  with,  but  that  any  fellow 
may  be  made  a  Bankrupt  in  the  twinkling  of  an  affidavit.  If  he  forgets 
to  attend  to  the  attorneys,  or  is  a  little  mops  and  brooms  when  he  gets 
the  writ  and  lights  his  cigar  with  it,  and  thinks  no  more  about  it,  or  if 
a  thief  of  a  creditor  will  not  see  things  in  a  right  point  of  view,  or  if 
one  cuts  away  to  Norway  or  Naples  you  may  be  stuck  into  the  court, 
and  the  new  thing  that 's  just  started— the  Gazette  of  Bankruptcy— -will 
inform  your  friends  that  you  can't  come  to  the  club  any  more. 

Now  this  sort  of  thing  won't  do,  old  boy,  and  it 's  a  case  of  defence, 
not  defiance,  to  see  how  we  can  floor  our  oppressors.  As  to  being  a 
bankrupt,  that's  rather  a  credit  and  renown  in  the  City,  I  am  told,  and 

VOL.  XLI. 


I  should  care  no  more  for  being  called  a  bankrupt  than  I  should  care 
for  being  called  a  bloater.  But  I  have  no  idea  of  being  tyrannically 
wiped  out  of  my  clubs. 

'  You  must  give  your  mind  to  the  protection  of  us  Swells,  who  are 
uncommon  good  friends  to  you,  and  besides  sitting  and  standing  as  your 
models,  are  very  affable  about  you,  and  often  say,  quite  loud,  that  such 
and  such  a  thing  in  Bunch  ain't  half  bad. 

"  I  should  propose  that  the  clubs  simply  resind — reshinned — how  do 
you  spell  it  ?— I  mean  repeal  the  rule,  and  then  no  harm  will  be  done. 
If  a  fellow  has  really  put  his  foot  in  it  in  an  ungentlemanly  manner,  the 
Committee  can  hint  to  him  to  be  scarce,  but  if  it's  only  a  question  of 
money-lenders  and  tradesmen,  it  will  then  make  no  difference. 

"  That  is  simply  a  measure  of  self-defence,  but  I  should  go  a  step 
further,  and  let  the  clubs  pass  a  law  to  the  effect  that  if  any  creditor 
whatsoever  takes  the  outrageous  liberty  of  bankrupting  a  fellow  without 
giving  him  say  a  clear  year's  notice,  or  more  if  you  like,  the  club 
pledges  itself  to  punish  that  malignant  oppressor  by  borrowing  no  more 
money  of  him,  if  he 's  a  usurer,  or,  if  he 's  a  tradesman,  by  never  deal- 
ing again  at  his  shop,  and  giving  notice  to  all  the  other  clubs  of  his 
offensive  and  cowardly  conduct. 

"But  you  will  suggest,  I  dare  say,  many  better  ways  for  protecting 
us  against  tyranny,  and  we  '11  leave  our  case  in  your  hands,  old  cock. 
Stand  by  your  order,  for  you  are  no  end  of  a  Swell  yourself,  and  would 
be  good-looking  if  you  wasn't  so  uncommon  ugly. 

"  Ever  yours  faithfully, 

"  The  Albany '."  "Lionel  Rattlecash." 


The  Force  of  Contradiction  can  no  Further,  go. 
a  Will  is  the  Wont  of  every  prudent  man. 


-To  make 


21G 


PUNCH,    Oii   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[November  30,  18G1. 


PRIZE  WANTS. 

The  Society  of  Arts  has  been  distributing  its  prizes  and 
medals  for  certain  discoveries  and  inventions.  We  wish 
it  would  not  consider  it  beneath  its  high  consideration  to 
offer  prizes,  or  some  specific  inducements,  for  the  following 
improvements,  or  creations,  inasmuch  as  they  are  sadly 
needed  by  the  public  at  large : — 

A  gold  medal  for  any  architect  who  would  build  walls 
of  sufficient  thickness  to  prevent  one  hearing  the  Caudle 
Lectures,  or  jarring  music,  of  one's  neighbours. 

A  bronze  medal  for  a  detonating  or  noise-making  envelope 
that  would  loudly  give  the  alarm  the  moment  an  inquisitive, 
Paul-prying  postman  ventured  to  pursue  his  investigations 
inside  in  order  to  test  whether  the  contents  were  valuable 
or  not. 

A  prize  of  £15  to  any  stage-manager  who  would  devise 
an  uniform  system  of  waits  between  the  acts  at  all  the 
theatres. 

A  Silver  Medal  for  a  superior  self-acting  door-mat,  that 
would,  either  by  flying  up  in  the  oifender's  face,  or  knock- 
ing his  shins,  or  tripping  him  up,  force  all  boys,  strangers, 
begging-letter  impostors,  Polish  counts  in  distress,  broken- 
down  tradesmen  in  paper  caps  with  boxes  of  pens  and 
sealing-wax,  tax-gatherers,  and  rate  collectors,  and  visitors 
in  general,  whether  troublesome,  unwelcome,  or  otherwise, 
to  wipe  then-  muddy  boots  immediately  before  they  ad- 
vanced as  muck  as  two  feet  even  up  the  passage. 

A  Gold  Medal  for  an  improved  harmonic  latch-key,  such 
as  every  time  the  husband  used  it  would  not  give  the 
sleeping  wife  in  bed  a  violent  turn. 


A  Turn  the  Wrong  Way. 


Gfntleman.  "  Oh/  Condiu  'or,  I  am  afraid  I  have  mini,'  a  mistake :  can  you  change 
me  info  a,  '  Post  Office1  at  Highbury?" 

Conductor.  "  Lor  bless  yon,  yes,  Sir,  ve' 11  change  you  into  a'  Post  Office,'  ore,-'// 
change  you  into  a  '  HangcV  if  you  vishesit." 


We  read  that  the  turnstiles,  or  tourniquets,  that  did  duty 
in  excluding  the  profane  vulgar  from  desecrating  the 
sanctity  of  the  parquet  at  the  Bourse,  are  to  be  abolished. 
We  thought  that  Louis  Napoleon  wanted  every  centime 
of  taxation  to  enable  him  to  tide  over  the  deficit.  It  strikes 
us  that,  instead  of  taking  the  tourniquet  off,  he  ought  rather 
to  have  put  the  screw  on. 


A  Ticklish  Expense. — Of  all  extravagances,  perhaps 
the  habit  of  snuff-taking  is  the  worst,  as  one  caunot  help 
paying  for  it  through  the  nose. 


GALLANT  CHARGE  UPON  THE  ENEMY'S  VAN. 

A  Meritorious  attempt  was  made,  the  other  day,  by  Mb.  Deputy 
Lott,  to  deal  with  the  Van  nuisance.  He  justly  remarked  that  the 
Juggernaut  Vans  which  thunder  about  the  towns',  not  only  block  up 
legitimate  traffic,  but  often  cause  and  always  threaten  peril  to  life  and 
limb.  The  civic  council  listened  to  him  favourably,  but,  as  usual,  a 
[Nuisance  found  its  defenders.  Two  wise  men  rose  up  in  behalf  of  the 
Van  ruffians,  and  declared  that  the  Arans  testified  to  the  increase  of 
business,_  and  that  everybody  in  business  ought  to  have  all  facilities 
for  carrying  it  on.  The  flagrant  absurdity  of  such  a  defence  was  so 
clearthat  the  Council  laughed  out  at  the  apologists.  Admit  the  pro- 
position that  everybody  in  business  ought  to  have  every  facility  for 
exercising  it.  How  many  hundred  thousand  people  of  business  are 
daily  hindered  by  the  Vans  employed  by  a  few  persons.  It  may  fairly 
be  assumed  that  everybody  who  is  in  the  City  is  there  on  business,  for 
nobody  would  think  of  going  into  the  City  for  pleasure.  Are  all  these 
myriads  to  be  stopped,  incensed,  impeded,  insulted,  frightened,  run 
over,  and  generally  out-raged,  in  order  that  a  small  minority  who  employ 
the  Vans  may  profit  ?  _  "  It  is  not  meet  the  Council  hear'  a  riot,"  says 
the  excellent  Evans,  in  the  Merry  Wives,  but  the  Council  will  hear  a 
riot,  and  a  pretty  loud  one,  led  by  Punch  the  Liberator,  if  something 
be  not  speedily  clone  to  exorcise  the  Van  Demons. 


DIFFICULTIES  FOP  DP.  CUMMING. 

The  eye  of  many  a  reader  will  have  been  caught  by  the  subjoined 
advertisement,  which  is  appearing  in  almost  all  the  papers  :— 

'THINGS    HARD    TO    BE    UNDERSTOOD.     New   Work.     By   Dr. 

-*-     Gumming.     Publishing  monthly. 

Things  hard  to  be  understood.  What  are  they,  according  to  Dr. 
Cumming  ?  Does  the  reverend  Doctor— whose  accuracy  of  quotation 
is  not  unimpeachable— mean,  by  things  hard  to  be  understood,  Latin 
and  Greek  ? 


A    STARRY    CHAIN    OF    MAGIC. 

The  Stars  and  the  Stripes  are  rather  in  a  muddle  in  the  Untied 
Stales,  but  the  Stars  themselves  seem  to  be  in  high  repute,  if  Mr. 
Punch  may  accept  the  fact  on  the  evidence  of  a  whole  string  of  adver- 
tisements which  he  cuts  from  the  latest  number  of  the  New  York 
Herald,  and  Unmitigated  Liar.  It  would  appear  that  the  vaunted  edu- 
cation of  the  States,  where  Mr.  Bright  declares  people  to  be  far  more 
advanced  in  the  intellectual  race  than  the  benighted  English,  does  not 
prevent  ladies  and  gentlemen  from  very  assiduous  cultivation  of  a 
science  which  in  England  we  have  long  branded  by  the  rude  name  of 
Imposture,  and  have  abandoned  to  idiotic  servant-girls  and  the  like. 
The  Herald  heads  the  list,  in  a  business-like  manner,  with  the  word 
"Astrology,"  just  as  if  the  announcements  were  as  legitimate  as 
those  of  "  Books,"  or  "  Want  Places,"  and  thus  starts  off: — 

A  BONA  FIDE  ASTROLOGIST.— Madame  Wilson  tells  the  object 
£*•  of  your  visit,  gives  magic  charms  and  good  luck  for  life  free-  of  charge ;  teUs 
all  the  events  of  life,  present  and  future.  Consultations  on  business,  marriages  and 
courtships,  travelling,  &c.  This  is  the  most  wonderful  astrologist  of  the  age.  Give 
her  a  call,  you  will  not  regret  it.  No.  1S9,  Allen  Street,  near  Stanton,  over  the 
bakery.  Please  pull  the  bell  and  walk  right  up-stairs.  Charge,  for  ladies  and 
gentlemen,  50  cents. 

It' will  be  observed  that  Madame  Wilson  invites  both  gentlemen 
and  ladies,  and  charges  the  same  price  for  each  class  of  patients.  The 
next  Madame  will  have  nothing  to  do  with  masculine  inquiries,  but 
then  she  lets  off  the  ladies  at  half  price  :— 

A  STONISHING.— Madame  Morrow,  Seventh  Daughter,  has  a  gift 
A  of  foresight ;  tells  how  soon  and  often  you  will  marry,  and  all  you  wish  to 
know,  even  your  very  thoughts,  or  no  pay  :  lucky  charms  free  ;  her  equal  is  not  to 
be  found ;  her  magic  image  is  now  in  full  operation.  184,  Ludlow  Street,  below 
Houston.     Price  25  cents.     Gentlemen  not  admitted. 

What  her  "  magic  image  "  may  be  one  cannot  say,  but  at  a  guess 
one  may  be  permitted  to  recal  the  hideous  contrivances  which  the 
lowest  class  of  so-called  dentists  hang  at  their  doors,  and  by  which  a 
pair  of  well-furnished  jaws  slowly  opens  and  shuts  all  day,  to  the  diver- 


November  30,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


217 


siou  and  hindrance  of  butcher-boys.  Doubtless  the  image  is  very 
awful,  and  we  hope  that  Madame  Morrow  will  behave  better  to  her 
assistant  who  winds  it  up  than  the  Yankee  who  exhibited  the  Perpetual 
Motion,  and  then  ran  away  without  paying  the  man  who  turned  the 
crank  in  the  cellar.     But  here  is  another  : — 

A  CLAIRVOYANT  WHO  HAS  NO  EQUAL.— Ladies  who  are  sick, 
-£i  in  trouble,  or  unfortunate,  can  consult  her  with  the  strictest  confidence.  She 
warrants  to  cure  the  most  aggravated  cases  of  rheumatism  in  a  few  days.  If  you 
wish  to  obtain  correct  information  on  all  events,  caU  and  see  Mrs.  Milton,  No.  184, 
Waverley  Place,  comer  West  Tenth  Street,  from  9  o'clock,  a.m.  until  8  p.m. 

We  do  not  see  any  reference  to  the  unfortunate  Stars  in  this  case, 
but  the  bringing  clairvoyance  to  the  cure  of  rheumatism  is  a  practical 
process  worthy  young  America.  Perhaps  Mrs.  Milton  also  cuts 
corns  Mesmerically,  and  hah-  Astrologically,  when  Berenice's  Hair  is 
in  Trine  occult  opposition  and  projection  with  the  "  streaming  locks  so 
lovely  pale  "  of  the  current  Comet.  The  next  lady,  Mrs.  Seymour, 
is  simply  business-like  : — 

CLAIRVOYANCE. — Mrs.  Seymour's  Medical  Rooms  are  removed  to 
101,  West  Fifteenth  Street,  corner  of  Sixth  Avenue,  entrance  on  Fifteenth 
Street.  Consultations  on  Sickness,  business,  absent  friends,  <fcc,  and  satisfaction 
guaranteed  or  no  pay. 

_  Consultations  on  absent  friends  are  usually  of  a  kind  which  absent 
friends,  who  have,  like  Sir  Peter,  left  their  characters  behind  them, 
would  not  be  veiy  anxious  to  hear.  Medical  rooms  are  a  uew  inven- 
tion, of  which  one  would  like  to  know  more,  but  as  we  perceived  in  a 
recent  commercial  paragraph  from  New  York  that  "  Houses  are  a 
drug,"  we  must  conclude  that  Hippocrates  and  Vitruvius  have 
entered  into  some  inexplicable  partnership.     But  now  comes  : — 

nORA    A.   SEMAN,    INDEPENDENT    CLAIRVOYANT.— Medical 

^  and  business  consultations,  day  and  evening  ;  the  science  she  unfolds  so  satis- 
factorily to  all  it  is  unnecessary  to  give  illustrations  of  the  astounding  results.  She 
continues  at  239,  Division  Street. 

The  fair  and  off-hand  Cora  is  not  only  independent  of  all  other 
clairvoyants,  but  of  an  American  gentleman  called  Lindley  Murray, 
and  we  fear  her  spirits  are  not  of  an  educated  order.  Perhaps  it  was 
one  of  them  who  personated  the  very  individual  we  have  named,  and 
being  asked  whether  he  really  was  Lindley  Murray,  replied,  "  Guess 
I  air."  The  next  magician  admits  both  ladies  and  gentlemen,  but 
perhaps  finds  that  the  stars  are  more  reluctant  to  talk  of  male  than  of 
female  business,  at  all  events  the  men  are  charged  extra  : — 

TVjADAME  RAY,  260,  Seventh  Avenue,  near  Twenty-seventh  Street' 
■I*-*-  surprises  all  who  visit  her.  The  sick,  .troubled  and  unlucky  should  test  her 
powers.  She  tells  your  very  thoughts,  lucky  numbers,  losses.  Ladies  25  cents, 
gentlemen  50  cents. 

"  One  that  hath  had  losses,  go  to,"  sa,ysDo£/berry,in  proof  that  he  is  not 
an  ass,  but  a  most  respectable  man.  Still,  in  spite  of  his  authority,  we 
cannot  help  thinking  that  a  man  who  will  give  half  a  dollar  to  be  told 
of  his  losses  is  what  Dogberry  was  called.  But  that  is  matter  of  taste, 
some  people  feel  pleased  to  recount  their  illnesses  and  troubles,  and 
Madame  Ray's  clients  are  quite  a  Cave  of  Adullam  lot,  the  sick, 
troubled,  and  unlucky.    We  don't  care  about  Madame  Hay. 

MR,  COLCHESTER,  Business,  Medical,  and  Test  Medium,  can  be  con- 
sulted at  his  rooms,  371,  Fourth  Street.     Hours  from  9  a.m.  till  0  p.m. 

What  is  a  Test  Medium  ?  Before  the  Test  and  Corporation  Acts 
were  repealed  in  England,  a  Test  Medium  was  the  profane  medium 
through  which  an  exciseman  or  a  tide-waiter  had  to  pass  into  office,  by 
conforming  to  the  most  solemn  rite  of  the  Church.  We  have  now  no 
for  the  phrase  in  this  country,  and  cannot  understand  what 
Pass  on  to  a  much  more  flourishing  affiche .- — 

"DEAD  THIS.— A  Phrenologist  and  Astrologist  that  beats  the  world. 
-L^  and  <$5,000  reward  for  any  one  who  can  equal  Miss  Wellington,  who  is 
acknowledged  to  be  the  only  lady  in  this  city  who  truthfully  gives  information  con- 
cerning losses,  lawsuits,  journeys,  absent  friends,  love,  courtship,  marriage,  health, 
wealth,  and  who  will  reclaim  drunken  and  unfaithful  husbands.  Miss  W.  is  the 
only  person  in  this  city  who  has  the  genuine  Roman  and  Arabian  talismans  for  love, 
good  luck,  and  all  business  affairs,  and  are  guarantees  for  life.  Delay  not  to  consult 
this  naturally  gifted  and  beautiful  young  lady.  Lucky  numbers  given.  Highly 
respectable  city  references  can  be  seen  at  her  residence,  101,  Sixth  Avenue. 

That  is  something  like._  Conquest  sits  upon  her  plume-crowned 
helm,  and  her  very  name  is  a  guarantee  for  victory — Miss  Welling- 
ton, a  naturally  gifted  and  beautiful  young  lady.  She  reclaims  drunken 
and  unfaithful  husbands.  Are  there  such  monsters  in  Mr.  Bright's 
patent  America?  Surely  they  must  be  Engbsh  travellers,  Irish  immi- 
grants, or  German  colonists.  Never  mind,  she  can  deal  with  every 
nation,  has  she  not  both  Roman  and  Arabian  talismans  and  city 
references  ?  No  wonder  she  beats  the  world,  and  defies  it  to  lay  down 
£1,000  and  show  her  equal.  We  should  hereby  invite  her  to  send  over 
our  lucky  number,  if  we  did  not  already  know  that  it  is  No.  1064,  and 
will  next  week  be  No.  1065.  But  greater  is  behind.  The  world  is 
beaten  by  Wellington,  but  Byron  is  its  greatest  wonder ;  and  here 
is  the  last  and  most  glorious  name  on  the  list : — 

THE  GREATEST  WONDER  IN  THE  WORLD  is  the  young  and 
-*-  accompilished  Madame  Byron,  from  Paris,  who  can  be  consulted  with  the 
strictest  confidence  on  all  affairs  of  life,   embracing  love,  courtship,  business,  and 


meaning  iui  uuc  | 
this  Colchester  is 


sickness  ;  restores  drunken  and  unfaithful  husbands  ;  has  a  secret  to  make  you 
beloved  by  your  heart's  ideal,  and  brings  together  those  long  separated.  Ladies 
25  cents,  gentlemen  50  cents.  Residence,  No.  90,  Third  Avenue,  above  Twentieth 
Street. 

Madame  is  young,  accomplished,  and  from  Paris,  can  do  as  much  as 
Madame  Wellington  (who  would  hardly  say  she  came  from  Paris) 
and  one  thing  more.  She  will  make  you  beloved,  mind,  not  necessarily 
by  the  party  whose  business  it  is  to  love  you,  but  by  your  heart's 
Ideal,  who  may  probably  have  neither  right  or  desire  to  take  such  a 
liberty.  This  is  a  very  Parisian  astrologist,  and  we  are  sorry  to  see 
that  Mr.  Lincoln,  who  is  a  family  man,  permits  such  incorrect  magic 


bailee 


to  be  practised.  The  lady  may  well  be  called  Byron,  for  her  morale  is 
decidedly  of  the  Byronic  tinge.  She  is  not  only  the  greatest  wonder  in 
the  world,  but  also  the  greatest  wonder  in  the  States,  a  much  prouder 
distinction,  as  every  American  will  agree,  and  as  the  force  of  Magic 
can  no  further  go,  we  now  commend  this  chain  of  evidence  of  education 
to  the  attention  of  our  respected  friend,  John  Bright. 


PROTECTION  AGAINST  LADIES. 

Is  nothing  to  be  done  for  the  protection  of  the  Judges?  Are  the 
real  silk  gowns  to  be  permitted  to  worry  the  bench  ad  libitum  ?  Mr. 
Punch's  sympathies  were  painfully  roused  by  reading  the  law  reports 
the  other  morning,  when  it  appeared  that  on  the  same  day  no  fewer 
than  three  ladies  appeared  in  person  in  one  of  our  Superior  Courts,  and 
successively  opened  upon  the  unfortunate  Judge  who  was  sitting.  One 
lady  didn't  exactly  know  what  she  wanted,  another  wanted  something 
which  the  Judge  thought  she  might  have,  if  he  only  knew  exactly  what 
it  was,  while  the  third,  the  eternal  Mrs.  Cobbett,  knew  perfectly  well 
what  she  wanted,  and  also  that  she  could  not  have  it,  and  being  informed 
of  the  latter  fact,  retired,  "loading  the  Court  and  jury  with  abuse." 
Now  the  Judges  can  hold  their  own,  tolerably  well,  against  the  licence 
of  the  Bar,  but  the  licence  of  crinoline  is  a  new  feature  in  judicial  lite, 
and  one  against  which  the  Justices  shoidd  be  provided.  The  ermine 
has  no  chance  against  the  domestic  cat.  We  think  that  at  all  events 
all  Female  Barristers  should  be  sent  to  fight  it  out  with  Mr.  Justice 
Cresswell,  who  understands  the  playful  ways  of  the  ladies  better  than 
{he  other  Judges  are  bound  to  do. 


A  Sporting   Offer. 

Will  anybody  bet  a  red  cent  that  when  we  receive  the  indignation 
of  the  North  about  the  burning  of  the  Harvey  Birch  by  the  Southern 
steamer  the  Nashville,  the  Yankees  will  not  be  found  to  have  dis- 
covered consolation  in  the  fact  that  the  vanquished  captain  bore  the 
name  of  Nelson— now  etarnally  disgraced — yes,  Sir? 


218 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[November  30,  1861. 


THE    CARTE    DE    VISITE. 

Gent  (in,  Photographic  Studio).  "  A — look  'eke,  you  know,  Mister,  I  don't  want  my  Cart  published,  you  know,  but  if  any  nice 
Gal,  or  Lady  of  Rank  should  want  a  copy,  why  you  can  sell  it  her,  you  know  !  " 


LOUIS  NAPOLEON  DOES  PENANCE  IN  A  BALANCE-SHEET. 


In  balance-sheet  thus  penitential,— 

Culpa  mea  ! 
I  recant  my  fibs  financial — 

Culpa  mea  ! 
In  each  hand  a  lighted  taper, 
That  the  world  may  read  the  paper 
Wherein  Fould  explodes  in  vapour 
All  my  budgets  circumstantial — 

Culpa  mea  ! 

Deep  I  've  dipped  in  France's  pockets — 

Culpa  mea  ! 
Flown  my  kites,  as  high  as  rockets — 

Culpa  mea  ! 
With  my  outlay  unrequiting 
Frighting  Furope,  if  not  lighting, 
At  both  ends  my  candles  lighting, 
Till  they  flicker  in  their  sockets— 

Culpa  mea  ! 

Not  a  market,  but  I  've  rigged  it — 

Culpa  mea  ! 
Cayenncd  those  who  told  or  twigged  it— 

Culpa  mea  ! 
Heaped  on  sharpers  pay  and  pensions, 
Forged  to  favour  my  intentions 
Taradiddle,  and  inventions — 
'Cause  I  liked  Savoy  I  prigged  it, 

Culpa  mea  ! 

Fleets  and  armies  I've  been  raising — 

Culpa  mea  ! 
At  the  cost  Fould  's  now  appraising — 

Culpa  mea  ! 
Fired  French  thirst  for  gloire  and  plunder, 
Tastes  that  can't  be  kept  asunder, 


Sowed  the  whirlwind  and  the  thunder, 
Europe 's  embers  stirred  to  blazing— 
Culpa  mea  ! 

I  've  bid  Nature's  laws  defiance, 

Culpa  mea  ! 
On  my  star  in  blind  reliance ; 

Culpa  mea  ! 
Sovereigns  and  their  subjects  fretting, 
Faith  in  treaties  clean  upsetting, 
Till  none  knew  which  worse  was  getting, 
My  attack,  or  my  alliance — 

Culpa  mea  ! 

In  finance  I  've  been  relying — 

Culpa  mea  ! 
On  Bourse  bubbles  aud  kite-flying — 

Culpa  mea  ! 
I  have  mocked  free  institutions, 
Nursed  each  germ  of  revolutions, 
Rivalled  Papal  allocutions 
In  the  grossness  of  my  lying — 

Culpa  mea  ! 

Each  cause  on  the  back  I  've  patted — 

Culpa  mea  ! 
From  each  cause  in  turn  I  've  ratted — 

Culpa  mea  ! 
Italy  I  've  helped— and  thwarted ; 
Eombalino  snubbed— and  courted ; 
Tripped  the  Pope  and  then  supported, 
Tricking  e'en  the  triple-hatted ! 

Culpa  mea  ! 

Calling  Kaiser  Franz  my  brother, 

Culpa  mea  ! 


Groans  of  Venice  I  've  helped  smother, 

Culpa  mea  ! 
Poles  to  mischief  then  exciting,  _ 
Setting  Franz  and  Magyar  fighting,  _ 
I  have  kissed  one  cheek,  while  smiting 
With  a  treacherous  hand  the  other — 
Culpa  mea  ! 

Now  that  I  've  made  this  confession — 

Culpa  mea  ! 
I  surrender  at  discretion — 

Culp>a  mea  ! 
I  '11  ne'er  ope  another  credit, 
Ne'er  another  pamphlet  edit ; 
There  !  in  Europe's  face  I  've  said  it, 
Let  me  hope  'twill  make  impression — 

Culpa  mea  ! 

That  her  purse-strings  she'll  be  loosing — 

Culpa  mea  ! 
For  our  needs  a  loan  producing — 

Culpa  mea  ! 
Power  of  Purse,  in  frank  surrender, 
To  my  Parliament  I  '11  tender. 
They  'twixt  me  will  serve  as  tender 
And  the  rogues  that  I  'm  reducing — 

Culpa  mea  ! 

And  if  still  my  word  there 's  doubt  of — 

Culpa  mea  ! 
I  '11  retrenchment  try  a  bout  of — 

Culpa  mea  ! 
Give  the  Eagle's  claws  a  clipping, 
Dock  my  soldiers  and  my  shipping- 
Think  no  more  the  world  of  whipping, 
Till  this  horrid  mess  I'm  out  oi—Culpamea  ! 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— November  30,  1861. 


PENANCE    IN   A   BALANCE-SHEET! 


November  30,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


221 


THE    BALLAD    OF    MARY    NEWELL. 

See  Police  Reports. 

ow,  list  ye,  fair  ladies,  a  tale 

I  will  tell, 
'Tis  about  a  maid  servant,  one 

Mary  New-ell, 
Who  contri-ved  her  Master  to 

rob  and  to  sell : 
Was  not  this  a  'cute  cunniug 

minx  Mary  New-ell  ? 

Her  master  he  lived  near  the 
Vauxhall  Bridge  Road, 

In  the  Gardens  'clept  Bess- 
borough  lay  his  abode. 

His  name  it  was  Barker,  the 
truth  I  do  tell. 

And  the  name  of  his  servant 
was  Mary  New-ell. 

Now  one  morning  her  Missus 
unto  her  did  say, 

"  Mary  Newell,  we  're 
going  this    night    to   the 

So  be  sure  you  keep  m-doors, 
and  see  that  all 's  well," — 

"  Oh,  yes,  I  '11  be  sure,  Mum," 
says  Mary  New-ell. 

The  evening  it  came,  and  the  evening  it  passed, 
For  alas !  pleasant  evenings  for  ever  won't  last : 
Home  to  supper  they  went,  and  they  rang  the  door-bell, 
And  they  knocked  at  the  knocker  for  Mary  New-ell. 

They  rang  and  they  knocked,  and  they  knocked  and  they  rang, 
Till  the  streets  they  re-echoed  with  thump  and  with  clang, 
At  length  Mr.  Barker,  exhausted,  said,  "  Well, 
Something  surely  has  happened  to  Mary  New-ell." 

Mr.  Allen,  his  neighbour,  disturbed  by  the  din,  _ 
Cried,  "  A  back  window 's  open,  I'll  try  and  get  in :  " 
So  he  entered,  alack !  and  what  language  can  tell 
The  sight  that  he  saw  there,  0  Mary  New -ell  ! 

In  the  passage  a  pail  full  of  liquid  there  stood, 
The  liquid  was  red,  and  it  look-ed  like  Blood  ! 
And  a  poker  lay  broken,  with  hair  on 't,  to  tell 
How  some  one  had  murdered  poor  Mary  New-ell  ! 

The  house  had  been  ransacked — rooms  turned  inside  out — 
Drawers  open — plate  packed  up — clothes  scattered  about : 
But  'twas  strange  that  no  trace  could  be  found  of  the  el- 
-egant  form  of  the  murdered  one,  Mary  New-ell. 

The  police  being  called,  an  inspector  there  came, 
His  division  was  B,  and  eke  Humphreys  his  name  : 
He  just  sniffed  up  and  down  stairs,  then  said  he,  "  I  smell 
A  rat  in  this  business,  Miss  Mary  New-ell." 

Information  receiving,  to  Yarmouth  he  goes, 
A  place  famed  for  bloaters,  with  hard  and  soft  roes, 
There  in  boots,  coat,  and  breeches  he  sees  a  young  Swell — 
Now  who  would  have  dreamed  'twas  Miss  Mary  New-ell  ? 

This  young  Swell,  whom  he  managed  so  neatly  to  nab, 
Lots  of  luggage  to  Shoreditch  had  brought  in  a  cab ; 
There  had  smoked  a  cigar,  hoping  so  to  dispel 
All  idea  of  her  being  fan  Mary  New-ell. 

She  had  cut  her  hah  short,  she  had  cropped  every  curl, 
She  had  dressed  in  man's  clothes,  had  this  artful  young  girl : 
She  had  dined,  smoked,  and  chatted  like  any  young  Swell- 
Was  not  this  a  bold  brazen  minx,  Mary  New-ell  ? 

Back  to  London  at  once  by  the  rail  she  was  brought, 
And  appeared  'fore  the  Beak  at  the  Westminster  Court, 
To  him  Mr.  Barker  his  story  did  tell ; 
Ah !  she  hung  her  head  down  then,  did  Mary  New-ell. 

The  charge  being  heard,  says  the  Beak,  "  I  shall  send 
This  here  case  to  a  jury,  my  tricksy  young  friend :  " 
So  off  in  the  Van  to  a  snug  little  cell 
In  the  House  of  Detention  went  Mary  New-ell. 


Now  you  servants  be  warned,  and  at  home  mind  you  stay 

Whenever  your  missuses  go  to  the  play  : 

Or  you  haply  may  share  the  sad  fate  that  befell 

That  "  eccentric  "  young  person,  Miss  Mary  New-ell. 


AMERICAN  NOTIONS  ON  ENGLISH  NEWSPAPERS. 
From  the  New  York  Herald  and  Liar. 

The  Times.  The  organ  of  the  fashionable  world,  edited  by  a  committee 
of  aristocrats  in  Belgrave  Square,  and  pledged  to  the  demolition  of 
the  Union. 

The  Baity  News.  The  avowed  organ  of  Toryism,  but  under  the 
control  of  Lord  Shaftesbury  and  the  canting  pietists  of  Exeter  Hall. 

Thw  Post.  A  public-house  paper,  advocating  rowdyism  of  all  kinds, 
but  with  some  gleams  of  right  views  as  to  the  beauty  of  American 
democracy,  which,  however,  it  advocates  only  from  the  vilest  motives. 

The  Herald.  Frantically  radical  in  words,  but  secretly  sold  to 
Spurgeon  and  Co. 

The  Chronicle.  A  high-priced  paper,  which  exists  by  fawning  upon 
the  antiquated  dowagers  of  Mayfair. 

The  Advertiser.  A  cheap  organ,  supported  solely  by  the  aristocracy 
and  the  Clubs,  for  the  dissemination  of  Toryism.  Edited  by  Sir  Hope 
Grant,  son  of  Lord  Glenelg,  a  fierce  and  truculent  aristo. 

The  Star.  Mr.  Disraeli's  private  property,  and  used  by  him  to 
attack  freedom  generally  and  Americans  in  particular. 

The  Telegraph.  The  canting  malignant  organ  of  aristocratic  Dissent 
and  Puritanism. 

Bell's  Life.  As  its  name  imports,  a  paper  that  would  call  everybody 
to  Church  as  the  only  duty  or  pleasure  in  the  world. 

The  Press.  Read,  only  by  the  lower  classes,  and  a  violent  but  hypo- 
critical advocate  of  the  ballot. 

The  Dispatch.  Another  aristocratic  organ,  which  publishes  lying  maps, 
in  which  every  attempt  is  made  to  show  the  United  States  as  an  insig- 
nificant territory. 

Punch.  A  publication  so  foul  and  degraded  that  it  is  never  admitted 
into  the  few  respectable  households  that  still  exist  in  the  rotten  old 
island. 


MILITARY  MURDER  AND  SUICIDE. 

In  order  to  put  a  stop  to  the  shooting  of  officers  by  private  soldiers 
it  has  been  recommended,  in  every  case  of  such  murder,  to  hold  a 
drum-head  court-martial,  and  hang  the  murderer  on  the  spot.  An 
excellent  plan  if  it  would  answer ;  but  perhaps  it  would  be  found  only 
to  increase  the  crime  which  it  was  intended  to  put  a  stop  to.  The  life 
of  common  soldiers  appears  very  generally  to  be  rendered  so  miserable 
as  to  make  them  tired  of  it ;  and  the  prospect  of  being  hanged  at  once 
for  shooting  their  officers  would  perhaps  be  only  an  additional  tempta- 
tion to  them  to  shoot  their  officers. 

There  may  be  some  reason  in  the  policy  of  making  soldiers  tired  of 
life  with  a  view  to  encourage  them  to  risk  it  on  occasion  with  alacrity ; 
but  this  policy  is  pushed  too  far  when  it  urges  men  not  only  to  expose 
themselves  to  being  shot,  but  also  to  incur  the  certainty  of  being 
hanged.  Officers  fight  bravely  enough  without  the  inducement  of 
misery  to  impel  them  to  court  death  and  commit  virtual  suicide ;  but 
then,  to  be  sure,  officers  are  generally  actuated  by  a  faith  and  inspired 
with  a  hope  of  which  a  private  can  have  no  idea,  and  regard  death  as 
merely  the  entrance  to  a  higher  life. 

However  before  the  drum-head  court-martial,  and  the  summary 
gallows  are  resorted  to,  it  may  be  advisable  to  try  the  better  treatment 
of  the  men_  in  the  ranks,  whom  it  will  be  difficult  to  render,  by  the 
greatest  kindness,  too  comfortable  to  be  willing  to  fight  and  fall.  If 
the  more  humane  expedient  should  fail,  then  perhaps  it  may  be  advisable 
to  try  the  less. 

A  ROYAL  ENGRAVING  BY  DOO. 

The  Ex-King  of  Naples  in  answer  to  a  deputation  who  went 
through  the  solemn  mockery  of  presenting  him  with  a  sword,  which 
is  about  as  useful  to  him  as  a  razor-strop  would  be  to  a  baby,  said 
with  most  facetious  gravity : — 

"  The  Queen  and  I  shall  preserve  eternally  engraved  on  our  hearts  the  names  of 
you  all. " 

How  they  are  to  be  engraved,  we  cannot  tell,  unless  it  is  by  the  pro- 
cess of  lithography. 

Nidification  extraordinary. — A  Very  curious  fact,  illustrative  as 
it  is  of  the  partial  severity  of  the  season,  is  the  discovery  which  has 
recently  been  made,  of  a  Martinet's  nest  at  Woolwich. 


The   Last  Insult  to  America.  —  Edwin   James  becomes   an 
American  Citizen. 


ooo 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[November  30,  1861. 


A   DOOCID   ARISTOCRAT. 

The  Nice-looking  Young  Man  with  his  Back  to  the  Fire-place.  "It's  all 
very  well  to  talk  of  a  Man's  Manners,  or  his  'Art,  or  his  Hcdueation  J  What  I  say  is  ■  slww 
me  his  'Ands  and  Feet — and  I '11  precious  soon  tell  you  xdwthcr  he's  a  Gcntlcmcm  or  not." 


A  BRIGHT  VIEW   OF  REFORM. 

The  advice  given  by  Ms.  Bright  to  the  Trades'  Unions 
to  combine  with  the  view  of  forcing  on  the  Legislature  a 
reform  consisting  in  the  reduction  of  the  qualification  to 
vote  for  Members  of  Parliament,  is  as  seasonable  as  it  is 
judicious.  Mills  are  working  half-time,  and  unemployed 
operatives  have  leisure  to  consider  the  question  of  parlia- 
mentary reform  with  dispassionate  thought.  The  relations 
of  workmen  in  the  building  trade  to  their  masters  are  pre- 
cisely such  as  to  render  the  rest  of  the  community  particu- 
larly anxious  just  now  that  they  should  acquire  preponderat- 
ing political  power. 

What  will  be  the  good  of  Reform  ?  is  a  question  that 
may  be  asked  by  many  working  men  who  are  entitled  to  a 
vote  because  they  have  been  industrious  and  frugal  enough 
to  afford  to  be  ten-pound  householders  ?  The  answer  is, 
that  a  Reform  which  will  lower  the  elective  franchise  to 
such  a  degree  as  to  cause  the  House  of  Commons  to  be 
elected  by  the  numerical  majority,  will  constitute  a  Legis- 
lature and  a  Government  representing  the  intelligence,  and 
knowledge,  and  justice  of  the  country.  Taxation  will  then 
be  adjusted  on  a  sound  basis ;  all  duties  on  tobacco,  and 
other  articles  of  popular  consumption  will  be  repealed, 
and  the  national  revenue  will  be  raised  by  taxes  impar- 
tially distributed  between  landholders  and  fundholders, 
aud  other  persons  possessed  of  any  description  of  capital, 
or  deriving  an  income  from  any  other  source  than  the 
labour  of  their  hands.  The  rate  of  wages  will  also  be  fixed 
by  law ;  and  no  workman  will  be  allowed  to  take  an  unfair 
advantage  of  his  comrades  by  exerting  his  superior  abili- 
ties so  as  to  earn  more  than  they  can,  and  elevate  himself 
above  their  condition  of  life  into  that  of  a  bloated  aristocrat. 


A  Sensible  Exchange. 


"  Why,  my  dear  Mrs.  Smith,  what  ever  have  you  done 
with  your  Piano?" 

"  Oh !  Mr.  Smith  insisted  upon  my  disposing  of  it, 
and  buying  instead  a  Sewing  Machine  for  each  of  the  girls. 
He  says  they  would  be  much  more  useful,  and  would 
make  much  less  noise." 


A  Correction  op  the  Press. — The  Moniteur  has 
been  so  full  of  financial  matters  lately  that  its  title  of  the 
Moniteur  should  be  altered  to  the  Money-tew. 


OUR  DRAMATIC  CORRESPONDENT. 

"  Dear  Punch, 

"  It  may  be  that  I  own  a  sad  depravity  of  taste,  but  there  arc 
few  things  on  the  stage  I  more  enjoy  than  a  good  melodrama.  But 
then  it  must  be  one  of  the  old  blood-and-thunder  sort,  with  lots  of 
death-struggles,  and  mysteries,  and  murders  to  slow  music  iu  it.  Your 
modern  French  abominations  I  detest  and  scorn,  and  shall  rejoice  to 
see  them  exorcised  from  our  stage.  The  refinement  of  slow  poison 
may  be  in  accordance  with  the  spirit  of  the  age,  and  there  doubtless  is 
some  interest  to  the  scientific  mind  in  watching  the  performer  through 
the  working  of  the  drug,  and  noticing  the  symptoms  of  his  gradual 
decay.  But  to  me  such  scenes  as  these  are  most  unpleasantly  revolting, 
and  as  I'm  not  a  doctor  they  serve  only  to  disgust  me.  When  A 
wishes  to  kill  B,  whether  for  vengeance  or  for  gold,  I  very  much  prefer 
to  see  A  beat  or  blow.B's  brains  out,  than  slay  him  by  half  inches  with 
homceopathic  doses,  which  produce  the  most  distressing  facial  effects, 
whereof  the  ghastiiness  increases  until  the  curtain  drops.  A  bullet 
through  the  body,  or  a  bludgeon-stroke  behind-back,  are  quite  manly 
ways  of  murdering  compared  with  poisoned  puddings,  and  doctored 
doctor's  stuff.  There  is  action  in  the  one  case,  and  perhaps  a  good 
grim  death-grapple  ;  while  in  the  other  there  is  nothing  but  contortions, 
that  make  you  think  of  the  pangs  which  you  may  suffer  when  having 
your  next  tooth  out. 

"  With  these  thoughts  in  my  mind  (I  can  quote  '  luec  volvens  animo' 
if  you  wish  me  to  be  classical)  I  made  the  other  night  atrans-Tliamesian 
expedition  to  see  a  '  great  sensation  drama '  at  the  Surrey  Theatre ; 
where,  according  to  the  play-bills,  '  thousands  nightly  throng  to  wit- 
ness' the  powerful  situations  and  stupendous  stage  effects.  The 
evening  I  attended  was  the  drama's  sixty-first,  and  that  its  run  is  not 
yet  over  was  attested  pretty  clearly  by  the  crammed  state  of  the  pit ; 
whose  eight  hundred  upturned  faces,  swaying  to  and  fro  with  varying 
emotion,  were  to  my  mind  quite  worth  journeying  across  the  Thames 
to  see.    The  piece  is  by  its  author  called  the  Idiot  of  the  Mountain, 


which  they  who  love  alliteration  will  agree  with  me  in  altering  to  the 
Idiot  of  the  '111.  There  are  only  three  men  killed,  and  although  there 
is  a  thunderstorm  there 's  no  terrific  combat :  so  the  incidents  of 
interest  are  comparatively  mild.  But,  in  accordance  with  the  fashion, 
there 's  a  great  '  Sensation  Scene,'  which  is  very  clearly  the  chief 
magnet  of  attraction,  and  is  very  much  too  complicated  for  me  briefly 
to  describe.  It  is  called  'The  Smuggler's  Nest  Overhanging  the 
Abyss,'  the  nest  being  a  small  hut  perched  six  feet  from  the  stage,  and 
built  with  three  walls  only,  that  the  audience  may  see  into  it.  A  plank, 
lifted  by  a  pulley,  bridges  over  the  abyss,  on  the  other  bank  of  which 
there  grows  an  over-hanging  fir-tree,  whose  boughs  reach  very  nearly 
to  the  window  of  the  hut.  To  these  ingredients,  in  the  background 
add  a  moon  with  flitting  clouds,  a  flash  or  two  of  lightning,  some  slow 
music,  and  a  thunderbolt,  which  shatters  the  old  fir-tree  as  the  heroine 
is  crossing  it,  and  crash  !  she  tumbles  headlong  into  the  abyss.  Vicious 
Villain  and  Bold  Smuggler,  whom  she  wished  to  overhear,  leave  the 
hut  by  torchlight,  and  then  with  her  back  hah  down,  up  she  climbs 
unhurt — not  a  speck  on  her  gay  petticoat— and  creeps  into_  the  hut. 
Re-enters  the  Bold  Smuggler,  and  proposes  instant  marriage— she 
spurrrns  him— shrieks  out  'Help!'  and  (of  course)  'Unhand  me, 
Villain !  '—enters  Idiot— takes  a  header  slap  down  into  the  abyss — 
climbs  up  other  side,  and  dashes  into  hut — knocks  down  the  Bold 
Smuggler — rescues  heroine — Tableau. 

"  Here,  it  will  be  seen,  is  thrilling  action  and  excitement,  enough 
to  make  the  heads  wave  in  the  agitated  pit ;  and  when  in  the  last 
scene  the  Vicious  Villain  is  discovered  in  the  costume  of  a  black- 
smith (from  his  previous  attire  I  had  quite  fancied  him  a  Count) 
and,  being  desrjerate,  endeavours  to  sledge-hammer  the  Bold 
Smuggler,  and  then  to  silence  the  Brave  Heroine  with  a  knife 
drawn  from  his  back,  and,  foiled  iu  both  these  efforts,  and  being 
accused  of  murder,  robbery,  and  half-a-score  of  crimes,  including 
that  of  stealing  somebody  whom  he  has  passed  off  as  his  son, — 
when,  as  a  climax,  Vicious  Villain  stabs  the  Idiot  in  the  ribs,  and 
then  is  shot  stone-dead  by  him  while  trying  to  escape,  the  Pit  waved 


November  30,  1861.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


223 


more  and  more  in  its  intense  enjoyment,  and  the  whistling  of  the 
Gallery  betrayed  a  like  delight. 

"  On  lesser  points  of  interest  I  have  little  space  to  dwell,  such  for 
instance  as  the  working  of  the  Vicious  Villain's  eyes,  whose  whites 
made  ghastly  contrast  to  his  copper-coloured  cheeks.  But  the  piece  is 
no  less  interesting  than  it  is  instructive  ;  forit  throws  a  flood  of  light 
upon  the  social  life  of  France  (where,  judging  by  the  names  merely, 
the  scene  seems  to  be  laid),  and  reveals  some  highly  curious  customs 
of  that  country,  which  no  tourist  I  have  met  with  has  ever  yet 
described.  Before  my  visit  to  the  Surrey  I  was  not  at  all  aware  that 
the  foreman  of  a  jury,  sitting  on  a  case  of  murder,  was  allowed  to  take 
a  walk  while  the  trial  was  proceeding,  and  so  gain  time  to  strike  a 
bargain  with  the  daughter  of  the  prisoner  to  bring  her  father  in  '  Not 
Guilty,'  on  condition  of  her  promising  to  marry  the  said  juryman,  who 
is  the  real  murderer,  and  whom  (of  course)  she  deeply  hates.  Neither 
was  I  conscious  that  in  France  a  master  blacksmith  went  about  on 
working  days  in  full  evening  costume  (dress  coat,  waistcoat,  and  black 
trousers,  clean  shirt  and  white  choker,  a  camellia  in  his  button-hole 
and  patent  leather  boots),  and  that,  being  so  attired,  he  might  enter  a 
lady's  drawing-room  an  uninvited  guest,  and  carry  on  dark  plots  with 
peasant  girls  and  pedlars,  who  have  the  privilege  of  making  the  same 
lady's  house  their  own,  and  of  coming  in  and  out  by  the  front  way  or 
the  back,  and  holding  assignations  there  precisely  as  they  please. 

"  Partly  on  account  of  these  queer  continental  customs,  one  finds 
the  intricacies  of  the  plot  grow  terribly  perplexing  as  the  playproceeds. 
Indeed  I  have  to  thank  the  '  spirited  lessees '  not  alone  for  their  good 
acting  and  good  mounting  of  the  piece,  but  for  giving  me  a  brain- 
bewildering  entertainment  which  affords  a  theme  for  exercise  of  the 
deepest  thought.  Whenever  I  want  practice  for  my  powers  of  con- 
jecture, I  shall  turn  my  mind  to  the  Idiot  of  the  Mountain,  and  make  an 
effort  to  unravel  its  impenetrable  plot.  Who  the  Idiot  is  himself',  I 
can  only  feebly  guess  ;  and  why  the  Vicious  Villain  stabs  him,  (except 
to  make  s.  Tableau)  I  have  not  the  least  idea.  But  mysteries  of  course 
are  essential  to  a  melodrama,  and  to  me  it 's  the  more  interesting  where 
they  are  only  half  cleared  up.  The  author  thereby  leaves  the  audience 
a  theme  for  meditatiom  ;  and  in  pieces  where  an  idiot  forms  the  central 
figure,  it  seems  quite  proper  that  one's  mind  should  be  left  somewhat 
in  a  maze. 

"  Next  week  I  shall  have  to  speak  about  the  Peep  o'  Day. 

"  One  who  Pays." 


prize-money,  will  be  raised  by  the  official  notification  above  alluded  to 
is  very  credible  to  believers  in  apparitions  of  the  departed.  Probably 
the  majority  of  those  ill-requited  heroes  are  now  in  their  graves,  whither 
their  journey  was  accelerated  by  the  heart-sickness  of  hope  deferred. 
The  intimation,  how  equivocal  soever,  that  some  idea  of  settling  their 
claims  is  entertained  by  Government,  may  be  considered  quite  enough 
to  wake  the  dead  in  these  days  of  easy  communication  with  that  once 
undiscovered  country  from  whose  bourne  no  traveller  used  to  return, 
but  whence  many  come  back  again  for  a  short  trip,  now  that  table-ways 
are  established  between  this  world  and  the  other.  The  Spiritualists 
already  talk  of  one  War-Office  Ghost,  whose  apparition  was  the  means 
of  rectifying  an  official  mistake.  Let  the  War  Office,  between  the 
present  date  and  the  second  of  December,  look  out  for  raps  on  tables, 
and  desks,  and  pigeon-hole  chests  of  drawers,  from  the  spirits  of 
deceased  Indian  officers,  kept  out  of  their  prize-money.  What  medium 
can  make  spirits  rap  if  the  circulating  medium  cannot  ?  There  is,  at 
any  rate,  a  spirit  in  the  Press,  which,  until  the  shamefully  wronged 
claimants  of  Indian  prize-money  get  their  due,  will  never  cease  to  give 
the  defaulters  an  occasional  series  of  the  severest  raps  on  the  knuckles. 


DEBT  TO  THE  DEPARTED  BRAVE. 


ope  told  a  flattering  tale  when  the 
flattery  of  that  tale  turned  out,  like 
most  other  flattery,  to  be  flam. 
The  tale  of  which  Hope  is  the 
hearer  only  is  too  often  likewise  as  fallacious  as  it  is  flattering.  Let  us 
hope,  against  hope,  that  the  news  amiouuced  in  the  subjoined  paragraph 
taken  from  the  Army  and  Navy  Gazette  is  not  too  good  to  be  true 
in  the  sense  wherein  our  gallant  contemporary  understands  the  an- 
nouncement : — 

'Indian  Prize  Money. — The  spirits  of  the  expectants  of  Indian  Prize  Money 
will  be  somewhat  raised  by  an  official  notification  that  no  applications  for  Delhi, 
Lucknow,  or  Pegu  prize  money  will  be  received  after  the  1st  proximo.  We  trust, 
therefore,  that  the  discreditable  delay  which  has  so  long  prevailed  with  reference 
to  the  distribution  of  those  funds  may  terminate." 

_  There  cannot  be  the  slightest  difficulty  in  believing  that  no"  applica- 
tions for  the  Indian  prize-money,  now  so  long  due,  which  may  be  made 
after  the  first  of  next  month,  will  be  received.  The  question  is 
whether  any  such  applications,  albeit  made  on  or  before  that  day,  wfll 
ever  be  complied  with,  or  meet  with  the  least  attention  ?  This  is  a  very 
doubtful  question  indeed,  and  experience  suggests  the  prediction,  that, 
after  those  applications  shall  have  been  duly  made  and  received,  some 
fresh  excuse  will  be  found  for  prolonging  that  delay  in  the  distribution 
of  the  funds  claimed  to  the  persons  who  are  entitled  to  them,  which  the 
Army  and  Navy  Gazette  justly  terms  discreditable. 
That  the  spirits  of  many,  if  not  most  of  the  expectants  of  Indian 


COPIES  FOR  PHYSICIANS. 

A  Letter  in  the  Times,  from  a  general  practitioner's  assistant,  which 
appeared  the  other  day,  complains  of  the  badness  of  the  handwriting  in 
which  physicians  are  generally  accustomed  to  compose  their  prescrip- 
tions. Now  as  the  difference  between  3  and  5  in  point  of  dose  would 
in  many  cases  be  the  difference  between  a  remedy  and  a  poison,  because 
a  blot,  or  aberration  of  the  pen  might  easily  cause  the  former  figure,  a 
drachm,  to  be  mistaken  for  the  latter,  an  ounce,  it  is  obvious  that 
there  is  much  reason  in  the  Assistant's  complaint.  Physicians,  there- 
fore, are  recommended  to  return  to  those  studies  of  penmanship  which 
they  used  to  cultivate  in  early  youth ;  and  here  are  some  copy-book 
texts  which  they  might  employ  themselves  in  writing  out,  so  to  speak, 
for  practice  :  — 

^fLimlcL  $mJiLt!LCL&nz. 

J^-Leed  as  sjeLcLam  as  fia&sil/le. 

f^LLJijiLiic^  is.  narel/j.  /inactis.ed. 

(H)siiLQr&  ate.  deietetwiLS. 

/px.amuie  tke   tojiQue. 

J^eet  tke  /wise. 

ftjmd.  ls  /lenedttaiiif. 

Jffiunl'iLQ  is.  luiJLiiof'essiojiaL. 

J?dLa&if/ic&a&ij-  ls  uLOiidetpih 

_fajizes!s  JLaiudet  Is  a  fehnfijuye.. 

SEeaite.  iiLe.lL  eiiojujA  alaa.e. 

JI/LediCLae.  tejn.au.es.  oAstacle-\ 

J^atiuie.  alone  canes. _— . 

By  carefully  copying  out  the  foregoing  maxims,  and  others  of  a 
similar  nature,  physicians  wfll  anyhow  improve  their  handwriting,  and 
thus  at  least  avoid  kilhng  anybody  by  making  a  clerical  error  in  a 
medical  prescription. 


THE  OPPRESSED  AT  HOME. 


Mb.  Yancey,  one  of  the  two  Southern  Commissioners  acting  in 
England,  at  the  late  dinner  of  the  Fishmongers'  Company,  in  answer  to 
a  complimentary  toast,  made  a  speech  in  which  there  was  a  good  deal 
to  admire ;  amongst  other  things  the  subjoined  quotation,  applied  to 
the  American  Republic  : — 

"  The  land  of  the  free, 
And  the  home  of  the  oppressed." 

The  Confederate  Republic,  Mr.  Yancey's  Republic,  as  well  as  the 
Yankees'  Republic,  may  be,  or  at  all  events  once  more  become,  the 
land  of  the  free.  The  former  is  also  peculiarly  the  home  of  the  op- 
pressed. The  free,  in  the  Southern  States,  are  the  white  population, 
and  the  oppressed  are  the  blacks  ;  whose  home  is  on  their  master's 
plantation,  and  whom  fugitive  slave-laws  have  prevented  from  finding 
one  anywhere  else. 


224 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[November  30,  1861. 


Ambitious  Parent, 


Well,  yes  Sir,  I  want  to  insure  him- for  a  Tlwusand  Pound  against  Accidental  Death,  Sir — as  I'm  thinking  of '  Prcnticing^ 
him  to  Blondiii!  " — (Need  we  add,  the  "proposal"  is  declined.) 


ULTRAMONTANE    ART    TREASURES. 

Among  the  various  branches  of  industry  to  be  represented  at  the 
Great  Exhibition  of  1862,  a  very  prominent  position  will  be  occupied 
by  the  interesting,  but,  in  this  land  of  insular  prejudice,  too  long  and 
too  generally  despised  and  derided  art  of  Priestcraft.  So,  at  least, 
there  appears  good  reason  to  conclude  from  the  subjoined  paragraph, 
which  has  gone  the  round  of  the  papers : — 

"  The  Pope  and  the  Exhibition  of  1862. — His  Holiness  the  Pope  has  conde- 
scended to  order  his  Government  to  take  part  in  the  London  Exposition  of  1862. 
For  this  purpose  a  commission  will  assist  the  Minister  of  Commerce  and  the  Minis- 
ter of  Public  Works  in  selecting  the  objects  destined  for  the  Exposition  ;  and  further, 
a  pontifical  commissioner  will  be  sent  to  London,  for  the  special  purpose  of  taking 
charge  of  the  said  objects.  The  expense  of  carriage  and  of  insurance  will  be 
defrayed  by  the  Pontifical  Government.  Three  thousand  feet  of  space  have  been 
set  apart  by  the  English  commissioners  for  the  exhibitors." 

It  is  expected  that  the  objects  selected  by  the  Papal  Ministers, 
assisted  by  a  commission  composed  of  Princes  of  the  Church,  Mon- 
signori,  and  other  ecclesiastics,  will  comprise  the  following  specimens 
of  sacerdotal  ingenuity; — The  Winking  Image  of  Rimini,  The  Holy 
Coat  of  Treves.  The  Heads  of  the  Three  Kings  and  the  Bones  of  the 
11,000  Virgins  of  Cologne,  which  will  be  included  in  the  Sacrosanct 
Osteological  and  Anatomical  Department.  The  Holy  Father  would 
have  caused  the  blood  of  St.  Januarius  to  be  added  to  this  part  of  the 
collection,  but  for  circum stances  over  which  he  has  no  control,  and 
which  lacerate  his  paternal  heart.  The  Bambino  of  Rome.  The  Casa 
Santa  of  Loretto,  provided  the  same  means  as  those  by  which  it  was 
conveyed  to  its  present  site  from  Galilee  can  be  employed  to  transfer 
it  to  Brompton.  The  Apparition  of  La  Salette,  as  originally  got  up. 
An  Extensive  Assortment  of  Consecrated  Wafers  that  bled  when 
pricked  by  Jews,  and  on  other  occasions ;  with  Affidavits  attesting 
the  Facts.  Several  Images,  Paintings,  and  Statues,  which  rolled  their 
Eyes,  wept,  and  perspired,  at  Rome,  at  Ancona,  in  the  Marches,  and 
elsewhere  in  the  Roman  States,  during  the  greater  part  of  the  Year 
1796.  Sundry  Bottles  filled  with  the  Tears  and  Exudations  of  those 
Holy  Effigies.  The  Depositions  of  Nine-lmudred-and-sixty-two  Eye- 
witnesses, judicially  interrogated,  affirmative  of  the  Reality  of  the 
Phenomena  and  Genuineness  of  the  Articles  in  Question.     Machinery 


anciently  employed  by  the  Holy  Office  for  the  Confutation  of  Heretics, 
consisting  of  Racks,  Thumbscrews,  and  other  Instruments  applied  in 
performing  Acts  of  Faith.  A  Fac-Simile  of  the  Original  Chair  of  St. 
Peter,  bearing  the  Mahometan  Inscription,  in  the  Cufic  Character, 
which  demonstrates  the  Authenticity  of  the  Relic. 

Nothing  less  than  the  wholesale  conversion  of  England,  Evangelical 
Alliance,  Lord  Palmerston,  Punch,  and  all,  is  expected  from  the 
opportunity  of  contemplating  the  edifying  objects  whereof  the  above- 
named  are  a  few  out  of  many,  which  will  be  afforded  next  year  to  the 
British  Public  by  the  bberality  of  the  Holy  Father. 


A  REAL  "SMACK  ON  THE  KISSER." 

Bell's  Life  passim. 

Poor  John  C.  Heenan  seems  destined  to  be  unlucky.  Neither 
Mars  nor  Venus  is,  evidently,  the  star  of  his  fortunes.  A  lady,  with 
the  pretty  name  of  Ada,  claims  in  the  first  place  to  be  his  wife,  and  in 
the  second  place,  to  be  released  from  matrimonial  obligations.  No 
man  is  a  hero  to  his  valet  de  chambre,  and  it  has  been  said  that  no  man 
is  a  hero  to  his  wife.  In  J.  C.  H.'s  case  the  malicious  observation  would 
seem  to  be  true.  This  is  a  sad  facer  for  the  American  Champion,  and 
worse  than  the  salutation  by  the  left  hand  of  Mr.  Thomas  Sayers. 
The  least  the  fighting  world  can  do  is  to  take  the  belt  out  of  the 
avuncular  clutch,  and  send  it  over  for  Heenam's  consolation  under 
what  the  editor  of  the  Life  says  is  an  'aroler  hit  than  a  brave  man  ought 
to  receive. 

Not  a  Bad  Bull. 

The  following  announcement  is  copied  from  a  poster  :— 

"  LYCEUM  THEATRE. 

To-night  and  every  other  Evening, 

New  and  original  Drama,  entitled. 

PEEP  O'  DAY;   or,  SAVOURNEEN  DEELISH." 

An  Irish  piece,  of  course.    What  could  be  more  thoroughly  Irish 
than  the  peep  o'  day  every  evening  ? 


Printed  by  William  Bradhury.  of  No.  13,  Upper  Woburn  Place,  and  Frederick  Mullett  Evans,  of  No.  19,  Queen  s  Road  West,  Regent's  Pars,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Pancras,  in  the  County  of  Middlesex. 
Printers,  at  their  Office  in  Lombard  Street,  in  the  Precinct  of  Whitet'riars,  ia  the  City  of  London,  and  Published  by  them  at  No.  85,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  Uty  of  London.— 


Satiikdat,  November 30.  1801. 


inri    Jn.£i-iOQuri     ur     tuuuii. 

Vol.  10  in  boards,  Price  5*.  is  published  this  day.— The  following  are  already  published: 

Vol     1      (For  1841) 6s.         |     Vols.  4  and  5  (1843)  10s.  6d. 

Vols.  2  and  3   (1842) 10«.  6(2.  |     Vols.  6  and  7  (1844)  10s.  6d. 

Vols.  8  and  9  (1845)  10s.  6d. 

\*  Any  Volume  or  Double  Volume  may  always  be  had  separately. 
Bradbury  6  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


£  urwjii.  a     x  vv  jdix  x  x     ixumrxixAyjjWj 

1842  TO  1861. 
Bound  in  cloth,  Price  5s.  6d. 
"It  was  a  happy  notion  to  reproduce  a  volume  of  these  Almanacks  for  the  last 
twenty'years,  in  which  we  can  trace  their  manifest  improvement  up  to  Christmas, 
1S60."—  Times. 

Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


In  Three  Handsome  Folio  Volumes,  Price  12s.  each, 

PICTURES  OF  LIFE  AND  CHARACTER, 

FROM  THE  COLLECTION  OF  MR.  PUNCH. 

By  JOHN  LEECH. 

Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


In  square  16mo,  Price  7s.,  gilt  edges, 

JAPANESE     FRAGMENTS. 

By  CAPTAIN  SHERARD  OSBORN,  R.N. 

"We  Inok  upon  this  as  a  genuine  little  book,  which  is  quite  a  relief  to  the  eye  among 
the  reproduction  of  mawkish  originals  which  abound  at  this  season,  and  which  give 
such  a  dreary  aspect  to  the  drawing-rooms  of  deluded  purchasers." — Times. 
Bradbury  &  E?ahs,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.  C. 


JL     \-J  J-l   V-'J.i, 


ETTS'S     PUBLICATIONS 

for  MS.  PURPOSES  are  sold  by  every 
Bookseller  in  the  Kingdom,  ami  embrace — 

LIBRARY  CATALOGUES,  from  5».  to  45s.— 
ANALYTICAL  INDICES,  from  4s.  to  10s.— EX- 
TRACT BOOKS,  from  3s.  6,1.  to  lOs.-IIOUSE- 
KEEPEKS,  Weekly  and  Annual,  from  2s.— RENT, 
CELLAR,  STABLE,  and  GAME  BOOKS,  from 
2s.  6rf— SCIENTIFIC  LOG  BOOK,  for  noting 
Meteorological  data,  &c— READING  EASELS  for 
INVALIDS,  20s.  to  M4  4s. —  DIARIES,  in  above 
100  varieties  of  form,  size,  and  price,  combining 
FRENCH  with  ENGLISH  daysof  week  and  month. 

Descriptive  Catalogues,  with  Almanack  for  1862, 
gratis.— Letts,  Son,  &  Co.,  London.  E.G.,  Station- 
ers and  Mapsellers. 


This  day  is  Published,  in  Cloth,  Price  5s. 


WERSSS 

W  TIONS 


TRANSLA- 

By  C.  S.  C. 


Cambridge :  Deigiitow,  Bell,  &  Co. 
London:  Bell  anjj  Daldy. 


"For  fiction  read  Scott  alone:  all  novels  after  his 
.:re  worthless.*'— Cuaiu,ott£  Brokte. 


Complete  Bets  at  the  following  prices : 
£2  2s.     THE  PEOPLE'S    EDITION,  in  5 
large  Volumes,  Royal  Svo,  with  100  large  wood- 
cuts.   The  cheapest  edition  published. 

£3  10s.     THE  CABINET  EDITION,  in  25 

handy  Volumes,  with  Frontispiece  and  Vignette. 
Each  Volume  contains  an  entire  novel. 

THE   EDITION   OF  1847.  in  4S 
2mo.,  with    Frontispiece  juul  Vignette. 
ype. 


Each  Novel  is 


£0  10*. 
Vols, 

Printed  in  very  readable 
divided  into  Two  Vols. 

£10  10s.  THE  NEW  ILLUSTRATED 
EDITION,  in  -18  VoU.  Fcap.  Svo.,  with  upwards 
of  1500  Woodcuts  and  %  Steel  Engravings. 
Printed  from  a  New  and  beautiful  type.  This 
Edition  is  a  combination  of  the  Abbotsford  and 
the  Author's  favourite  Edition. 

£13  2s.  THE  LIBRARY  EDITION,  in  25 
Vols.  Demy  Svo,  with  204  beautiful  Steel  En- 
gravings by  the  most  eminent  Artists  of  their 
time,  and  printed  in  large  and  legible  type.  This 
Edition,  which  cost  .£15,000  in  its  production, 
should  find  a  place  in  every  gentleman's  library. 
Edinburgh:  Adam  &  Charles  Black. 

A  New  Family  Newspaper,  Cheap  and  Complete. 
On  Saturday  Next. — Please  Order  anywhere, 

■PHE  LONDON  CHRONICLE. 

"  4u  Columns,  Price  l^d.  Every  Saturday. 
Office,  275,  Strand. 
Early  in  December, 

ff'IE     PHYSICIAN.- 

«*■  2d.  Monthly.  Orderof  all  News  Agents. 
Office,  39,  Great  Castle  Street,  Regent  Street,  W. 

PRIZE  CATTLE   SHOW  OF 

«B>  the  Smithfield  Club.  The  Annual  Ex- 
hibition of  Prize  Cattle,  Seeds,  Roots,  Implements, 
^c.,  commences  on  Tuesday  Morning  anil  closes  on 
l'Viday  Evening,  loth,  lltli.  12th,  and  nth  December. 
—  Bazaar',  King  Street  and  Baker  Street.  Open  from 
daylight  till  nine  in  the  Evening.  Admittance 
One  Shilling.    Last  year  at  the  Bazaar. 


GARDNERS  LAMPS 

AXE  THE  BEST 

:453STRANDfsr"/K2 


I'OOYAL    aiiaibra 

j     ,-&&  PALACE.— Open  every  evening.     The 
Proprietor  begs   to    announce  that  in    compliance 
i      with  numerous  requests  "  LEOTARD  "  will  perform 
|      on  Tuesday  and  l'Viday  evenings  at  Nine  o'Clock. 

pBOMPTCUREforCOTJGHSJ 

•*■  Chest  Diseases,  Sore  Throats,  Quinseys, 
I.ung  Complaints,  8c,  by  the  celebrated  Pectokal 
1'astilles  <  f  the  IIeemit,  prepared  by  Proff.  M. 
Bernardini,  Chemist,  from  simple  herbs,  without 
opium  (warranted  by  analysis).  Wholesale  Dep6t, 
Messrs.  Babclay  &  Sons.  95,  Farringdon  Street, 
City,  E.C.    Price  2s.  6ri.  per  Box  with  instructions. 


SHEFFIELD   MANUFACTURERS, 

OPPOSITE  TO  THE  PANTHEON,  OXFORD  STREET, 

THE  ONLY  LONDON  ADDRESS. 

THE  LARGEST  STOCK  IN   LONDON  OF  CUTLERY  AND 
ELECTRO-SILVER  PLATE, 

The  most  beautiful  and  varied  assortment  to  be  seen  anywhere,  of  Tea  and  Dinner  Services, 
Cruets,  Cruet  Frames,  Dish  Covers,  Side  Dishes,  Waiters,  Tea-Trays,  Fruit  Stands,  Epergnes, 
tl'C,  the  Quality  excellent,  and  the  Prices  most  reasonable. 

Forwarded  direct  from  their  Manufactory,  ROYAL  CUTLERY  WORKS,  Sheffield. 

MAPPIN   &  Co.'s  UNRIVALLED  TABLE  CUTLERY. 


Good. 

Medium. 

Supenor. 

£0  13    0 
0  10     0 
0     4     6 
0     5     6 
0     4     6 
0     2     6 

£10    0 
0  15     0 
0    7    0 
0     8     0 
0     7    0 
0    3     6 

£1  15     0 
15     0 
0  12     0 
0  13    6 
0  12    0 
0    4    6 

£2    0    0 

£3    0    6 

£5    2    0 

These  Table  Knives  are  guaranteed  the  best  sold  in  London,  at  the  prices  charged.     They  are 
made  from  the  very  best  steel,  and  the  handles  are  so  secured  that  they  cannot  become  loose  in 
hot  water.     It  is  in  consequence  of  MESSRS.  MAPPIN  &  Co.  being  Manufacturers,  that  they 
are  enabled  to  offer  their  Table  Knives  at  such  unprecedented  low  prices. 
MAPPIN  &  Co.  have  no  connection  with  any  House  of  a  similar  name  In  London. 
MAPPIN  AND   Co.,  London  Show  Booms,    opposite  to  the 
PANTHEON,  OXFORD    STREET; 
SHEFFIELD  MANUFACTORY,  ROYAL  CUTLERY  WORKS. 


B.  JOSEPH  &  Co.'s 


150,  REGENT  STREET, 

IS  THE  ONLY'  HOUSE  OF  THE  KIND  IN  LONDON 

YvTicre  Ladies  and  Gentlemen  may  suit  their  Children 
with  every  article  of  dress  in  the  most  recherche  style,  and 
at  economical  prices. 

TEE  KNICKERBOCKER  JACK1ET   SUIT, 
In  Drill,  12s.  6d. 

THE  KNICKERBOCKER  JACKET   SUIT, 
In  Tweeds,  from  14s.  6d  to  24s. 

THE    KNICKERBOCKER     TUN  1 3    SUIT, 

In  Velvet,  25s. 

the  knickerbo:ker  tunic  suit, 

111  Tweeds,  from  12  '.  G<?.  to  21s. 


TO    BE    HAD    ONLY    AT 

B.  JOSEPH  &  Co.'s,  150,  Regent  Street,  London ; 

B.  JOSEPH  &  Co.'s,  78,  Grey  Street,  Newcastle-on-Tyne ; 

B.  JOSEPH  &  Co.'s,  92  and  93,  dueen  Street,  Portsea. 

COUNTRY  ORDERS  MOST  PUNCTUALLY  ATTENDED  TO. 


NO  MOKE  PILLS  OR  OTHER  MEDICINES  FOR  OLD  OR  YOUNG. 


"  We  find  the  safest  remedy  in  DU  BARRY'S  delicious  health-restoring 


For  Habitual  Constipation,  Dyspepsia  (Indigestion).  Palpitation,  Acidity,  Flatulency,  Phlegm, 
Nausea,  Consumption,  Coughs,  Colds,  Asthma,  Bronchitis,  Haemorrhoids,  Nervousness,  Bilious- 
ness, Torpidity  of  the  Liver,  Low  Spirits,  Irritability,  Sleeplessness,  Noises  in  Head  or  Ears, 
Debility,  &c."— Andrew  Ure,  M.D..  F.R.S.  ;  Dr.  Harvey,  Dr.  Shoiland,  Dr.  Campbell. 

Dr.  Wurzer's  Testimonial: — "  Du  Barry's  Kood  is  particularly  effective  in  curing  dyspepsia 
(indigestion),  habitual  constipation,  as  also  diarrhoea,  bowel  and  liver  complaints,  affections  of 
the  kidneys,  bladder,  and  of  the  urethra  and  hiernon-hoids,  also  in  cough,  asthma,  debility,  and 
pulmonary  and  bronchial  consumption." — Dr.  Rud.  Wurzer,  Prof,  of  Medicine  and  Practical  M.D. 

We  extract  a  few  out  of  many  thousand  cures: — Cure,  No.  1,771.  Lord  Stuart  de  Decies,  of 
many  years'  dyspepsia. — No.  49.S32.  "  Fifty  years'  indescribable  agony  from  dyspepsia,  nerv- 
ousness, asthma,  cough,  constipation,  flatulency,  spasms,  sickness,  and  vomiting.  Maria  Joly, 
of  Lynn,  Norfolk." — Cure,  No.  5S.S16.  Field-Marshal  the  Duke  of  Pluskow,  of  dyspepsia,  con- 
stipation, nervousness,  and  liver  complaints. — Cure,  No.  47,121.  Miss  Elizabeth  Jacobs,  Nazing 
Vicarage,  Waltham  Cross,  Herts,  of  extreme  nervousness,  indigestion,  gatherings,  low  spirits, 
aud  nervous  fancies. — Cure,  No.  54,Sl(i.  The  Rev.  James  T.  Campbell,  Syderstone  Rectory,  near 
Fakenham,  Norfolk,  "  of  indigestion  aud  torpidity  of  the  liver,  which  had  resisted  all  medical 
treatment ;  inquiries  will  be  cheerfully  answered." 

r-  Less  expensive  aud  far  more  strengthening  than  Tea,  Coffee,  Cocoa,  and  Cod  Liver  Oil,  this 
delicious  food  saves  all  Doctors'  and  Apothecaries'  Bills,  and  50  times  its  cost  in  other  remedies. 

Packed  in  tins,  1  lb.,  2s.  9d.  ;  2  lb.,  4s.  fid  ;  5  lb.,  lis.  ;  12  lb.,  22s.  ;  24  lb.,  free  of  carriage,  40s. 
Super  refined  quality,  10  lb.,  33s.— Bakrv  Dv  Barry  &  Co.,  No.  77,  Regent  Street,  London;  also 
Fortndm,  Mason  &  Co.;  and  at  60,  Gracechureh  Street;  4,  Cheapside ;  63  and  150,  Oxford 
Street ;  229,  330,  430,  and  451,  Strand ;  and  through  all  respectable  Grocers  and  Chemists. 


GENTLEMEN'S  DRESS.— GEORGE    H0BS0N 

TJESPECTFULLY  invites  the  attention  of  the  Nobility,  Gentry,  and  Public,  to  his  New  Goods 
-"'  for  the  present  Season  in  all  the  Various  Makes  aud  Materials  for  Over  Coats.  Tue  New 
Winter  Trousers,  21s.  to  23s.;  the  Superfine  West  of  England  Woaded  Black  Cloths  for  Press 
and  Frock  Coats,  £2  15s.  to  £3  3s.  ;  Dress  Black  Trousers,  21s.  to  25s.  Some  beautiful  produc- 
tions in  English  and  Continental  Waistcoatings  adapted  for  Dress  and  Morning  Wear.  A  Large 
Stock  of  Over  Coats  kept  to  suit  the  taste  of  all  parties,  or  from  which  Orders  can  be  given  and 
Made  in  24  hours'  notice. 

EXCELLENCE  WITH  ECONOMY. 

GEORGE  HOBSON,   57,  Lombard  Street. 


MR.  MARKWELL,  WINE 
Merchant  to  Her  Majesty,  Nos.  35  to 
40,  and  45,  Albemarle  Street,  and  -4,  Stafford  Street, 
Piccadilly,  London,  W.  Naval  and  Military  Messes 
supplied.  Receipts  for,  and  Compounds  of,  Ameri- 
can Drinks.  The  still  and  sparkling  Catawba.  The 
Californian  Champagne,  54*.  per  dozen.  Red  and 
white  Hungarian  Wines,  30s.  and  upwards  per  doz. 
The  celebrated  aromatic  Scheidam  Schnapps, 
S  tough  ton  &  Sickles'  Bitters.  Bourbon,  Mononga- 
hela.and  Old  Dominion  Whiskies. 


PATEKS0¥'S    AMERICAN 

■&  POWDh;R8  AND  LOZENGES,  highly 
recommended  for  the  immediate  relief  and  ultimate 
Cure  ot  indigestion.  Sick  Headache,  Acidity,  Heart- 
burn, Flatulency,  Loss  of  Appetite,  &c.  Prospectus 
in  several  languages. 

Powders, 4s.,  and  Lozenges,  2s.  per  box. 

Agents :— Wilcox  &  Co.,  Chemists,  330,  Oxford 

Street. 

WICOLI/S     COLOURED 

±*  FLANNEL  SHIRTS,  thecollars,  wrists, 
and  fronts  lined  with  lich  washing  silk,  adding 
greatly  to  the  comfort  oft  tie  wearer.  A  good  quality, 
at  five  lor  40*.;  boy's  size,  five  for  25*.  Separate 
linen  collars,  cuffs,  and  fronts,  plain  and  dress,  may 
be  had  to  wear  over  them,  for  those  who  like  the 
appearance  of  the  white  shirt,  while  enjoying  the 
extra  warmth  of  flaunel.  The  PATENT  WHITE 
SH I RT,  six  for  30s.,  ami  six  for  40*.,  as  usual. 

London :  40  and  4  ',  Regent  Circus,  Piccadilly  ;  46, 
Lombard  Street,  Ci'y,  E.C;  and  42,  Grafton  Street, 
Dublin. — Directions  for  self-measurement  sent  post 
free,  with  several  hundred  patterns  to  choose  from. 

BANGING -MR.    BLAND 

•A.*    and   DAUGHTERS   GIVE   LBSSONS 
DAILY  to  Adulis  in  the  Valse,  Galop.  Lancers,  &c; 
the  Misses  Blank  officiating  as  partners. 
33,  Brewer  Street,  Begent  Street,  W. 


^&M-      & 


f,  />      4°   every  flower  that    %,  "> 


breathes  a  fragrance. 


v?w&£j  SCE1MTS 

WHiTE    ROSE,    MYRTLE 

FRANGIPANNI 
PERFUME   OF    PARADISE 


A.   THOUSAND   OTHERS. 

i.iach  Bottle, or  Three 


Bottles  in  aptetty 
Box  7s. 


V 


&AUCE.-LEA    &  PERRINS' 

O  WORCESTERSHIRE  SAUCE.  Pro- 
nounced by  Connoisseurs  to  be  "  The  only  Good 
Sauce." 

Sold  Wholesale  and  for  Ex  port,  by  the  Proprietors, 
Worcester;  Messrs.  Crossb  A  Blackweli,, London, 
&c.  &c,  and  by  Grocers  and  Oilmen  universally. 

H~  AIR  DYEING 
ROOMS.  Unvvin 
and  Albert's,  24,  Piccadilly, 
are  as  private  and  replete  with 
every  convenience  and  com- 
fort as  a  lady's  own  dressing- 
room,  and  where  the  hair  can 
be  coloured  the  lightest  shade 
of  rlaien  or  the  darkest  shade 
of  brown  or  black  by  expe- 
rienced assistants,  at  moderate  charges. 

pLEAN  YOUR  FURNITURE 

Vand  WEARING  APPAREL  from  grease, 
oil,  tar,  or  paint.  The  only  effectual  preparation  is 
the  Benzine  Collas.  Price  is.  f>d.  of  all  Chemists, 
and  at  J.  Sakgek's,  15i>,  Oxford  Street. 

HJ.  AND  D.  NICOLL'S 
»  SCARLET  GIPSY  CLOAKS  for 
Ladies  and  Young  Ladies;  also  the  NEW  WIND- 
SOR CLOAK  — 114,  116,  I '8,  120,  Resent  Street;  22, 
Comhill,  London  ;  and  10,  St.  Ann's  Square,  Man- 
Chester. 

WHITE  &  SOUND  TEETJL 

W  Jkw.-buby  and  Brown's  ORIENTAL 
TOOTH  PASTE.  The  Original  and  only  Genuine 
1*.  fid.  and  2s,  6d.  per  pot. 

113,  Market  Street,  Manchester:  and  by  Perfumers 
and  Chemists  throughout  the  Kingdom  and  Colonies. 

f  ONDON  AND  RYDER,  late 

A*  Hano"CK,  Goldsmiths  aud  Jewellers, 
17,  Neu  Bond  Street,  respectfully  invite  the  notice 
of  the  nobility,  Sc,  to  their  New  Stock  of  Elegant 
Jewellery.  Every  article  in  the  best  possible  taste, 
and  at  moderate  prices.  A  variety  of  novelties  spe- 
cially adapted  for  Wedding  Souvenirs.  Diamonds 
rearranged,  Ac.  17,  New  Bond  Street,  corner  of 
Clifford  Street.    Established  30  tears. 


December  7,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


AN     UNLIKELY    OCCURRENCE. 

Coster.  "Go?   You  should  sec  how  he  can  go  when  he's  FULL  OF  CORN/''' 


OUR  DRAMATIC  CORRESPONDENT. 

"Dear  Punch, 

"I  Confessed  in  my  last  letter  that  I  relished  a  good  melo- 
drama, one  of  the  old  cut-throat  blood-and-thunder  school,  full  of 
mysteries  and  murders,  and  terrific  broad-sword  combats,  and  with  a 
tremolo  accompaniment  of  slow  music  all  throughout.  A  glance  at 
Park  his  '  Favourite  Characters,'  so  dear  to  me  in  boyhood, 
recalls  to  my  fond  memory  many  a  hot  and  happy  evening,  spent  in 
sitting  through  a  play  whereof  no  mind  might  grasp  the  plot,  and  in 
watching  Female  Virtue  in  ringlets  and  short  petticoats  pursued  by 
Vice  in  broad  black  belt  and  big  brimmed  yellow  boots.  How  sadly 
have  I  sighed  to  see  the  suffering  heroine  ejected  from  her  home 
through  some  foul  insinuation  of  the  villain  of  the  piece;  and  how 
gladly  have  I  cheered  her  when  at  some  momentous  crisis  of  her  fate 
she  has  pulled  a  pair  of  pistols  from  her  fur-topped  ancle-boots,  and  has 
held  one  right  and  left  at  her  cowardly  assailants,  crossing  her  arms 
usually  to  take  the  surer  aim  ! 

"  Alas !  one  rarely  gets  the  chance  now  of  seeing  plays  like  these, 
and  if  one  did  I  doubt  if  one  would  quite  so  much  enjoy  them.  At  any 
rate  our  managers  appear  to  fancy  that  the  public  have  entirely  lost 
their  taste  for  this  old-fashioned  kind  of  melodrama,  and  that  to  please 
their  palate  nowadays  a  murder  must  be  served  up  with  the  spice  of 
splendid  scenery  and  novel  stage  effects.  Simply  shooting  down  a 
victim,  or  killing  him  or  her  with  a  dagger  in  the  ribs,  or  a  bludgeon- 
blow  behind-back,  is  considered  much  too  mild  and  unrom  antic  a  pro- 
ceeding :  and  now  to  be  attractive,  the  murder  must  be  done  in  a 
picturesque  locality,  where  the  loveliness  of  nature  increases  one's 
intensity  of  horror  at  the  crime.  Hence  we  have  '  Sensation  Scenes,' 
as  they  are  termed,  and  on  then-  attraction  mainly  rests  the  fortune  of 
the  piece. 

"  Mr.  Falconer's  Peep  o'Bay,  at  which  I  went  the  other  night  to  have 
a  peep,  is  in  one  sense  no  exception  to  this  new  dramatic  rule.  The 
murder  scene  is  certainly  the  most  effective  bit,  and  I  liked  it  all  the 
better  because  after  all  no  murder  is  actually  done,  the  ruffian  being 
killed  with  his  own  uplifted  weapon,  while  his  intended  victim,  the 
heroine,  escapes.     I  have  rarely  known  a  scene  more  thrillingly  worked 


up,  or  brought  more  neatly  to  a  climax  than  this  of  the  Old  Quarry  ; 
and  it  would  not  much  surprise  me  if  it  prove  almost  as  taking  as 
the  Cave  scene  in  the  Colleen,  to  which,  although  no  plagiary,  it  may 
in  some  degree  be  regarded  as  a  parallel.  Your  country  readers  who 
are  shortly  coming  for  the  Cattle  Show,  may  be  attracted  if  I  tell  them 
that,  iii  place  of  Mr.  Boucicault's  far-famed  'tremendous  header,' 
there  is  a  twenty-feet  descent  by  the  Rescuer  of  Innocence,  who  comes 
down  upon  the  Ruffian  from  the  top  brink  of  the  quarry  by  means  of  a 
conveniently  bending  mountain  ash.  Perhaps  their  top-boots  may  still 
more  be  tempted  to  the  theatre,  if  I  add  that,  when  the  scene  opens, 
Ruffian  is  discovered  digging  grave  for  Wretched  Heroine,  of  whom, 
by  bridge  in  background  (only  access  to  Old  Quarry),  he  goes  off  pre- 
sently in  search— tremolo  slow  music,  fiddles  twiddling  pianissimo  ap- 
propriate tune,  the  One  Horse  Shay*  Enters  Heroine  oyer  bridge, 
her  red  cloak  gleaming  brightly  in  the  Bude  Light  moonshine— comes 
down  craggy  path  where  the  ivy  leaves  hang  glittering  in  the  moon- 
beams of  said  Bude,  contrasting  picturesquely  with  the  darkness  down 
beneath — Heroine  calls  for  brother,  by  forged  letter  from  whom  she 
has  been  lured  to  the  Dark  Valley  (Hilernice  Boil  Dhuiv)— he  not  com- 
ing, she  gets  frightened — sees  grave— starts— and  shrieks — more  agitato 
fiddling  of  the  cheerful  One  Horse  Shay.  Enters  Ruffian  over  bridge — 
Heroine  hides— he  sentimentally  throws  flowers  into  grave,  and  hints 
he  don't  much  like  the  job— strikes  a  match  for  pipe:  by  its  light  dis- 
covers Heroine  and  chivies  her  round  Quarry— being  slow  upon  his 
pins,  to  make  sure  of  his  victim  he  then  cuts  up  craggy  path,  and  cuts 
off  her  escape  by  cutting  down  the  bridge — crash  ! — game  of  hide-and- 
seek  to  tune  of  One  Horse  Shay,  disguised  by  fiddles  shaking  as  though 
they  had  the  ague — Heroine  caught  at  last  and  trembles  in  his  clutch — ■ 
enters  Rescuer  at  the  'flies' — takes  tree-men dous  header — bonnets 
Ruffian,  who  falls — as  does  the  act-drop : — pleased  audience  cries 
'  Brayvo  ! ' — calls  them  all  before  the  curtain — Heroine  smothered  with 
bouquets — smiling  Ruffian  bows  his  thanks  to  the  applausive  gods 
and  pit. 

"  Here  surely  is  a  scene  that  will  attract  the  rural  mind  ;  and  still 
further  to  delight  it,  there  's  an  Irish  country  fair,  called  '  Pattern '  by 

*  A  fact,  Mr.  Conductor,  though  you  have  done  your  best  to  hide  it. 


VOL.  XLL, 


A  A 


226 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[December  7,  1861. 


the  Pats  with  a  raal  ould  Irish  jig,  and  a  shillelagh  faction  fight.  This 
scene  too  is  got  up  quite  '  regardless  of  expense ;'  for,  instead  of  having 
some  half-score  of  feeble  supernumeraries,  who  with  stingy  managers 
would  pass  off  for  a  mob,  Mil.  Falconer  crowds  his  stage  with  pretty 
near  a  hundred,  all  drilled  to  make  the  greatest  shindy  that  they  can. 
Mr.  Falconer,  has  moreover  had  good  sense  enough  to  use  the  scissors 
to  his  dialogue,  and  though  another  snip  or  two  might  well  be  had  in 
the  first  act,  the  drama  does  not  drag  now,  as  it  did  when  first  pro- 
duced, and  the  audience  are  not  detained  till  nearly  twelve  o'clock. 
I  may  add  that  Mr.  Falconer  plays  a  virtuous  Irish  vagabond  with  a 
good' deal  of  quiet  humour,  while  Mrs.  Bowers  (from  America)  very 
tastefully  avoids  all  ranting  as  the  Heroine,  aud  in  the  Murder  Scene 
is  much  to  be  commended  for  her  natural  way  of  acting,  and  her 
frightened  tone  of  voice.  Mr.  Selby  as  the  Ruffian  is  picturesque  in 
his  make-up,  and  does  his  murderous  business  in  a  most  impressive 
manner ;  but  his  voice  is  hardly  deep  enough  to  suit  so  base  a  villain, 
and  one 'sighs  as  one  remembers  the  sepulchral  hollow  tones  of  that 
lamented  prince  of  deep-dyed  ruffians,  O.  Smith. 

"  Having  had  enough  of  melodrama  for  the  present,  I  mean  before 
my  next  to  have  a  look  at  M.  Fechter  ;  who,  having  outlived  his 
roaring  rival,  Mr.  Brooke,  is  still  cramming  the  Princess's  three 
evenings  every  week.  «  One  who  Pats." 


HE  LIBEETY  OF  UNLICENSED  HAWKING. 

et  us  venture  to  say  that  there 
are  numbers  of  poor  indus- 
trious persons  whose  humble 
claims  to  be  allowed  to  make 
a  little  noise  in  the  world, 
ought  not  to  be  disregarded. 
These  are  the  venders  of 
muffins,  and  other  itinerant 
merchants,  who  are  forbidden 
to  advertise  then  commo- 
dities by  shouting  and  bawl- 
ing, by  ringing  bells,  blowing- 
horns,  and  employing  the  like 
sonorous  means  of  attracting 
attention. 

A  deputation  of  news- 
venders  waited  the  other  day 
on  Sir  Richard  Mayne  to 
invoke  the  suppression,  by 
means  of  the  Police,  of  those 
nice  little  boys  who  go  about 
crying  the  cheap  papers — 
the  little  angels  of  the  Catch- 
penny Press.  The  news- 
venders  said  they  were  in- 
jured in  their  trade,  they,  who  were  tax-payers,  by  this  unlicensed 
street-hawking.  The  Chief  Commissioner  of  Police  could  not  help  it — 
did  not  seem  to  see  that  the  news-criers  came  within  the  purview  of 
the  statute  relative  to  hawking  without  falcons. 

Now  it  is  most  important  that  the  little  street  cherubs  that  con- 
tinually do  cry  penny  newspapers  should  be  encouraged  in  crying  them 
continually.  "  Now  then,  Illustrated,  off  that ! "  exclaimed  a  conduc- 
tor, in  our  hearing,  to  one  of  them  who  got  on  the  step  of  an  omnibus 
and  thrust  in  over  the  door  a  bundle  of  prints,  screaming,  "  Illustrated 
News,  One  Penny."  A  country  gentleman,  had  there  been  one  in  the 
omnibus,  might  have  bought  one  of  those  things  in  the  belief  that  he 
was  buying  the  Illustrated  London  News.  It  is  advantageous  to  the 
public,  and  good  for  enterprise,  that  mistakes  of  this  kind  should  be 
made ;  therefore,  the  newsvenders'  application  to  Sir  Richard  Mayne 
was  quite  inadmissible ;  and  if  there  is  any  doubt  that  he  was  right  in 
refusing  it,  let  an  Act  be  passed,  expressly  authorising  the  newsboys 
to  shout  and  yeU. 

But  then  let  there  be  equality  as  well  as  liberty,  and  let  all  manner 
of  persons  be  alike  entitled  to  create  any  disturbance  they  please  in  the 
streets,  and  without  a  licence,  to  notify  their  respective  wares.  Food  for 
the  body  is  as  much  entitled  to  be  publicly  proclaimed  as  food  for  the 
mind,  and  a  muffin-bell  is  not  much  more  unpleasant  than  a  shrill  harsh 
voice  with  a  cockney  twang.  Since  penny  papers,  exempt  from  duty, 
are  permitted  to  be  announced  with  clamour,  let  bakers,  pedlars, 
costermqngers,  dustmen,  sweeps,  and  others,  be  all  equally  enfranchised 
and  admitted  to  the  enjoyment  of  Free  Trade,  in  being  suffered  to  ring- 
bells,  strike  gongs,  beat  drums,  blow  trumpets,  and  occasion  any  kind 
of  din  whatsoever  by  which  they  may  think  fit  to  recommend  their 
articles  for  sale. 


STRIKING  A  DOCKET. 

"  My  dear  Punch, 

"Have  you  such  a  book  in  your  entertaining  library  as  an 
Encyclopedia  Britannica  ?  If  so,  please  to  refer  to  '  Dockets,'  and 
inform  me  precisely  what  they  are.  I  am  so  puzzled,  you  can't  imagine, 
and  it  is  so  dreadful  in  these  days  of — what  do  they  call  it — intellectual 
progress,  for  a  woman,  even  though  she  can  plead  minority  if  indicted 
tor  ignorance,  not  to  know  how  such  a  popular  pastime  as  '  docket '  is 
played,  and  how  to  strike  it  elegantly,  and  with  effect. 

"  You  see  I  take  it  for  granted  that  it  is  a  game  of  some  kind.  And 
yet— I  have  my  misgivings,  and  I'll  tell  you  how  they  arose. 

"  My  "Uncle's  Aunt,  Miss  Kakebred,  who  speaks  seven  languages, 
and  is  deep  in  analytical  chemistry,  many  years  ago — you  may  re- 
member, perhaps,  the  fire  at  the  Royal  Exchange — it  was  then — met  a 
commercial  gentleman  at  the  ruins,  to  which,  prompted  by  scientific 
curiosity,  she  paid  a  visit  of  inspection.  Well,  I  suppose  they  compared 
notes.  At  all  events  he  was  imprudent  enough  to  send  her  a  few  pro- 
missory ones,  and  upon  them  she  subsequently  based  an  action  for 
breach  of  promise  and  recovered  five  hundred  pounds  damages.  I  said 
recovered,  because  I  believe  that  is  the  technical  term  usual  in_  such 
cases,  but,  in  fact,  Miss  K.  has  never  recovered  either  her  spirits  or 
her  damages,  for  the  commercial  gentleman  ran  off  to  Boulogne  and 
opened  an  Estaminet,  where  my  cousin,  Coke  Littleton,  and  some  of 
his  friends  of  the  Bar,  have  played  billiards  frequently. 

"  About  two  months  ago,  however,  Miss  Kakebred  ascertained 
that  the  perjured  one  had  returned  to  England,  and  had  set  up  in 
business  as  a  Mining  Agent,  dealing  extensively  in  Calit'ornian  and 
Peruvian  shares.  This  I  accidentally  overheard— for  Miss  K.  is  not 
at  all  communicative — but  when  my  cousin  Coke  Littleton,  who  has 
a  very  pretty  Sessions-House  practice,  calls  upon  us,  Miss  K.  generally 
seizes  the  opportunity  to  consult  him  upon  certain  legal  points,  which 
must  be  very  sharp,  1  fancy,  from  the  pain  which  they  give  her.  I  am 
not  fond  of  listening,  but  as  there  was  only  a  thin  partition  between  us, 
I  could  not  help  hearing  her  ask  Coke  whether  she  was  not  in  a 
position  to  '  strike  a  docket  ? '  He  replied,  I  suspect  affirmatively,  but 
enjoined  caution,  and  suggested  failure,  for  Miss  K.  hi  a  masculine 
tone,  which  reminded  me  of  Grandmamma's  imitation  of  Mrs.  Siddons 
in  Lady  Macbeth,  replied,  We  fail !  and  announced  her  fixed  determi- 
nation to  '  strike,'  on  which  Coke  adopting  the  eloquent  apostrophe 
of  Punch  to  the.  builders  (vide  No.  1030),  exclaimed  'Strike!  but  hear 
me.' 

"  Pray,  pardon  this  intrusion  on  your  valuable  space,  and  believe  me 

"  Your  constant  Reader, 

"  Fanny  B.  Wilderd." 

"  P.S.  Is  not  '  docket'  or  '  docquet '  merely  the  old-fashioned  name 
for  '  croquet,'  and  in  striking,  do  you  not  employ  a  sort  of  crutch  ?  " 


Reverse  op  Fortune.— The  Borough  of  Finsbury  which,  at  every 
election,  has  hitheito  been  worth  £6,000  to  the  publicans  and  other  prin- 
cipal voters,  has  on  the  occasion  of  its  last  vacancy  been  going  a-begging. 


A  ROWLAND  FOR  AN  OLIVER, 

Under  the  head  of  Essays  and  Reviews,  a  contemporary  publishes 
the  subjoined  statement  relative  to  the  Bishop  of  Salisbury  and 
Dr.  Williams  : — 

"  When  notice  was  first  given  to  Dr.  Williams  that  proceedings  would  be  taken 
against  him,  the  bishop  wrote  to  him  to  request  that  he  would  afford  him  facilities 
for  disposing,  without  difficulty,  of  all  preliminary  technicalities,  so  that  the 
whole  question  might  be  fought  on  its  merits." 

With  all  proper  respect  for  the  Bishop  op  Salisbury,  everybody 
who  reads  what  is  above  related  will  feel  compelled  to  ask  that  right 
reverend  prelate  whether  he  really  believed  that  he  saw  any  green  m 
Dr.   Williams's  eye  ?     The  idea  of  writing,   as    prosecutor    to  a 
defendant,  requesting  him  to  be  so  kind  as  to  give  a  handle  for  an 
indictment,  is  truly  clerical  in  its  simplicity,  though  it  may  not  be  , 
deemed  worthy  of  a  very  dignified,  to  say  nothing  of  a  very  reverend,  | 
divine.     It  is  a  regular  parson's  trick,  and  one  that  nobody  but  a 
parson  would  think  of  playing,  except  a  pantaloon  m  a  pantomime,  ] 
attempting  to  practise  a  similar  artifice  on  the  innocence  of  the  clown. 
If  Dr.  Williams  would  but  make  his  friend  Sarum  the  present  ot  a 
stand-point,  that  clerical  Archimedes  could  easily  move  the  earth  so 
as  to  bring  down  the  Court  of  Arches  about  the  ears  of  the  Essayist 
and  Reviewer.      But  no;    the  spot  of  verdure  on  the  iris  ol  Dr. 
Williams  exists  only  in  the  episcopal  imagination ;  and  accordingly : — 

"  To  the  letter  in  which  this  request  was  contained,  Dr.  Williams  replied,  not 
by  sending  any  admissions,  but  simply  the  name  of  Mr.  Du  Bois,  his  proctor." 

Dr.  Rowland  Williams,  Vicar  of  Broad  Chalke,  Wilts,  and  Pro- 
fessor of  Hebrew,  St.  David's  College,  Lampeter,  look  you,  is  a  weasel 
that  your  Lordship  shall  not  catch  asleep.  But  that  you  are  W.  Iv. 
Sarum,  and  not  O.  Sarum,  it  might  be  said  that  Dr.  Williams  has 
given  you  a  Rowland  for  an  Oliver. 


December  7,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


227 


A    DINNER    FOR    A    DUKE. 

he  Duke  of  Cambridge 
having  signified  his  gra- 
cious willingness  to  dine 
with  the  Artillery  at 
Woolwich,  the  officers 
of  course  resolved  to 
give  him  a  good  dinner, 
in  the  faith  that  he  in- 
herited his  noble  father's 
well  known  relish  for 
the  same.  In  pursuance 
of  this  aim,  the  ducal 
tastes  were  very  care- 
fully consulted  ;  and 
though  the  Times  informs 
us  simply  that  "  a  ban- 
quet was  prepared  on  an 
appropriate  scale,"  that 
statement  gives  small 
notion  of  what  was  really 
done. 

By  details  which  have 
reached  us  through  a  cu- 
linary channel,  fat-homed 
by  an  active  officer  of 
the  police,  we  may  state 
that  the  menu,  as  origi- 
nally framed,  included 
every  delicacy  in  or  out 
of  season,  and  was  on  such  a  scale  of  luxury,  as  would  have  made  Lucullus  smack 
his  classic  lips  to  think  of,  and  the  shade  of  old  Vitellitjs  long  to  dine  once  more 
on  earth.  But  before  the  day  arrived  it  was  luckily  remembered  that  the  Duke  had 
lately  signified  his  approbation  of  the  mess  of  the  Military  Academy,  and  had  said 
that  the  cadets  had  nothing  to  complain  of  in  their  diet'  of  boiled  mutton,  hard 
potatoes,  and  sour  swipes.  It  was  naturally  supposed  therefore  that  his  Royal 
Highness  had  undergone  some  change  in  his  dietary  tastes,  and  woidd  better  like  a 
dinner  served  with  Spartanlike  simplicity  than  a  banquet  on  the  model  of  the 
epicures  of  Borne.  This  notion  was  accordingly  confided  to  the  cook,  and  how 
skilfully  that  artist  contrived  to  carry  it  out  may  be  seen  by  a  perusal  of  the 
following 

BILL  OF  FABE. 

SOUPS. 

Potage  de  pierre. 
Bouillon  de  mouton  simple. 
Potage  de  belier  aux  turnip-tops. 
Soupe  noire  a  la  Spartiate. 

EISH. 

Hareng  saur,  boiiilli. 

Sprats  iris. 

Three  boded  gudgeon  :  one  smelt. 

ENTREES. 

Queues  de  mouton  sautees  a  la  sauce  Crimee. 
Fricandeau  de  chipe-squine  moisi  de  bouts  de  cigarre. 


Bouilli  de  mouton  suranne  a  la  cuir  de  semelle. 
Haricots  maigres  a  l'eau  de  Tamise  non-filtree. 
Sour  sweet-breads  hachis  a  la  bouble-et-skouic. 
Fricassee  de  chaussettes-laine-d'agneau. 
Pieds  de  mouton  farcis  de  cors  et  d' onions. 

JOINTS. 

Mouton  d'ordonnance  de  Voulviche  bouilli  en  chiffons. 
Junk  sale — Piece  de  Besistance  (aux  machoires). 

LEGUMES. 

Pommes-de  terre  manquees. 
Tabourets  de  crapaud  bouillis  en  papillotes. 
Tape  rouge  a  la  Commandant-en-Chef . 
Pain  de  munition  rassis  a  discretion. 
Cailloux  ecorches  a  la  Duke  Humphrey. 

GIBIER. 

Chat  (neuf  queues)  frit. 

SWEETS. 

Hard  dumpling  a  la  rustaude. 
Black  (hole)  puddings  a  Ii  Cadette-qui-fume. 
Confiture  a  la  flanquez-y-leur  des  coups. 
Squab  pie  soufHee. 

Boley-poley  pouding  a  la  rustication. 
Omeiette  fade  sans  oeufs,  f'rite  avec  pelures  de  pomme- 
de-terre. 

FROMAGES. 

Chesterre  bouche-ton-nez. 

Double  Dutch  a  la  tuedes-mouches-a-quinze-pas. 

DESSERT. 

Penny  buns  (stale). 
Pommes  dures  au  nature!. 
A  pint  of  nuts. 

WINES. 

Biere-de-gingembre  eventee. 
Eau  de  la  Tamise  non-sucree. 
Swipes  d'Angleterre  aux  stomach-aches. 
The  de  birch-broom  maigre. 

The  decorations  of  the  room  and  the  appointments  of  the 
table  were  in  keeping  with  the  tempting  natm-e  of  the 
viands,  for  we  understand  the  banquet  was  served  on  a 
deal  table  uncovered  by  a  cloth,  and  lighted  by  tallow  candles 
in  tin  "regulation"  sticks.  Knives  and  two-pronged 
forks  were  furnished  for  the  guests  who  were  too  fine  to 
to  feed  au  naturel  with  their  fingers,  but  to  no  one  was 
extended  the  effeminate  and  foppish  luxury  of  a  napkin, 
nor  was  any  one  permitted  all  throughout  the  dinner  to 
ask  for  a  clean  plate.  Iu  fact,  the  rough-and-tumble  way 
in  which  everything  was  done  was  strictly  in  accordance 
with  the  Spartan  code  of  discipline  which  seems  to  be  in 
vogue  now  at  the  Woolwich  Cadet-School ;  where  it  appears 
to  be  considered  that  lads  grow  rich  in  knowledge  by  living 
on  poor  diet,  and  are  made  good  soldiers  through  having  a 
bad  cook.    After  dinner  "No  smoking  allowed." 


A  EIRE-EATER  FEEDING  HIMSELF. 

A  Shobt  time  ago,  according  to  the  Morning  Post,  the  officers  of  a 
distinguished  cavalry  regiment  combined  in  inviting  one  of  their  com- 
rades to  leave  the  corps,  because,  having  been  insulted  by  a  certain 
person,  he  omitted  to  call  that  person  out.  One  day  last  week  our 
fashionable  contemporary,  whose  columns  are  of  course  duly  studied  by 
those  gallant  officers,  published  part  of  a  letter  from  Warsaw,  which 
particularly  merits  their  attention  and  that  of  all  other  valiant  gentle- 
men who  wish  to  revive  the  chivalrous  practice  of  duelling.  It  contains 
an  edifying  account  of  the  death  of  General  Gerstenzweig,  whence 
duellists  whom  circumstances  forbid  to  fight  may  learn  how  nevertheless 
to  give  each  other  all  the  satisfaction  which  offended  dignity  can  desire. 
Great  General  Gerstenzweig  had  imprisoned  some  Poles  in  the 
citadel  at  Warsaw.  Soon  afterwards  an  insurrection  was  expected.  If 
it  broke  out,  too  many  prisoners  in  the  citadel  might  prove  troublesome. 
Accordingly  some  of  the  imprisoned  Poles  were  released  by  the  com- 
mander of  the  fortress  with  the  sanction  of  Count  Lambert  ;  and : — 

"  On  hearing  this,  General  Gerstenzweig  went  in  a  state'of  great  irritation  to 
Count  Lambert,  reproached  him  with  having  acted  from  fear,  and  called  him  a 
coward.  As  several  officers  of  the  staff  were  present,  a  duel  seemed  inevitable  ;  but 
as  a  hostile  meeting  between  two  such  high  personages  at  that  moment  might 
present  great  inconveniency,  it  was  decided  that  one  of  the  two  should  kill  himself 
the  same  evening,  and  that  lots  should  be  drawn  to  decide  which  it  should  be.  The 
lot  fell  on  General  Gerstenzweig,  and  he  fired  three  times  with  pistols  at  his 
bead,  the  last  time  inflicting  a  mortal  wound." 


The  difficulty  which  bold  General  Gerstenzweig_  met  with  in 
trying  to  blow  out  his  own  brains  is  very  suggestive  of  the  strength 
and  thickness  of  that  skuU  which  nature  had  provided  to  contain  and 
defend  them.  He  found  it  a  hard  matter  to  satisfy  Count  Lambert. 
The  Count  would  doubtless  have  experienced  as  much  trouble  in  giving 
himself  satisfaction  if  the  fall  of  the  die  had  placed  him  under  the 
necessity  of  indemnifying  his  honour  by  destroying  his  own  life.  Such 
honour  is  so  extremely  thin-skinned  that  it  should  be  excessively  thick- 
skulled. 

The  solo  system  of  duelling,  however,  above  instanced,  is  certainly 
the  most  rational  that  could  be  adopted  in  this  country,  where  an 
ordinary  duel,  if  it  is  not  a  farce,  is  a  capital  crime.  The  survivor 
would  not  be  Uable  to  be  hanged,  or  forced  to  fly  the  country.  Bidicule 
would  not  be  brought  on  the  "  grand  custom"  of  single  combat  by  one 
of  the  antagonists  firing  in  the  air,  or  contenting  himself  with 
"  winging  "  the  other.  One  of  the  two  would  be  obliged  to  shoot  him- 
self dead,  though  it  should  take  him  a  dozen  shots  to  batter  a  hole  in 
his  cranium.  He  might,  before  committing,/^  de  se,  make  over  all  his 
property  to  his  family,  which  would  prevent  its  forfeiture  to  the  Crown. 
His  mind,  in  as  far  as  he  has  any,  has  of  course  been  made  up  to 
"jump  the  life  to  come,"  and  a  man  may  as  well  take  that  leap  in  a 
simple  act  of  suicide,  as  in  exposing  himself  to  be  killed  in  an  attempt 
to  murder. 


:  Tue  Weigh  oe  the  Woeld."— The  Pound  Sterling. 


WHAT  OUR  VOLUNTEERS  OUGHT  NOT  TO  DO. 

they  ought  not,  for  one  thing,  to  stagger  through  quiet  streets,  drumming  and  trumpeting  like  savages,  at  mldnight. 
This,  to  the  Particular  Corps  it  concerns,  and  which  made  Night  so  very  Hideous  on  Wednesday  the  27th  ult. 


ofteu, 


A  WARNING  TO  JONATHAN; 

OR.  "DOTH  HE  WAG  HIS  TAIL?" 

Jonatiian,  Jonathan,  'ware  of  the  Lion  : 
^  He 's  patient,  be 's  placable,  slow  to  take  fire  : 
There  are  tricks  which  in  safety  a  puppy  might  try  ou, 
But  from  dogs  of  his  own  size  they  waken  his  ire. 

With  your  bounce  and  your  bunkum  you  've  pelted  him 
Good  humoured  he  laughed  as  the  missiles  flew  by, 

Hard  words  you've  employed,  which  he  ne'er  bid  you  soften, 
As  knowing  your  tallest  of  talk  all  my  eye. 

When  you  blustered  he  still  was  content  with  pooh-pooliing, 
When  you  flared  up  he  just  let  the  shavings  burn  out : 

He  knew  you  were  fonder  of  talking  than  doing, 
And  Lions  for  trifles  don't  put  themselves  out. 

But  beware  how  you  tempt  even  leonine  patience, 
Or  presume  the  old  strength  has  forsaken  his  paw : 

He 's  proud  to  admit  you  and  he  are  relations, 
But  even  relations  may  take  too  much  law. 

If  there /s  one  thing  he  values,  'tis  right  of  asylum  ; 

Safe  who  rests  'neath  the  guard  of  the  Lion  must  be : 
Li  that  shelter  the  hard-hunted  fugitive  whilom e, 

Must  be  able  to  sleep  the  deep  sleep  of  the  free. 

Then  think  twice,  and  think  well,  ere  from  guard  of  the  Lion 
Those  who  seek  his  protection  you  try  to  withdraw  : 

Though  Stowell  and  Wiieaton  and  Kent  you  rely  on, 
There  are  points  on  which  Lions  won't  listen  to  jaw. 

Remember  in  time  the  old  tale  of  the  showman, 
Who  his  head  in  the  mouth  of  the  Lion  would  sheath, 

Till  with  lengthened  impunity,  bold  as  a  Roman, 
He  seemed  to  forget  that  the  Lion  had  teeth. 


But,  the  lime  came  at  last,  when  all  risks  madly  scorning, 
He  went  just  too  far  down  that  road  rough  and  red, 

When,  with  only  one  wag  of  his  tail  for  a  warning, 
Snap  went  Leo's  jaws,  and  off  went  Barnum's  head  ! 


A  CULINARY  WONDER  WANTED. 

Oh,  these  advertising  people !  What  Dogbemjs  they  are !  How 
constantly  one  finds  them  writing  themselves  down,  to  a  level  which  is 
well  nigh  asinine  in  its  stupidity  !     As  a  sample,  look  at  this  : — 

WANTED,  a  COOK,  in  a  small  family,  from  26  to  36  years  of  age. 
Must  be  clean,  active,  good-tenipered,  obliging,  an  early  riser,  and  of  the 
Church  of  England.     Wages  £lti,  with  beer.     Apply,  &c. 

Now,  the  advertiser  surely  does  not  mean  to  tell  us  that  his  family  is 
from  26  to  36  years  old,  for  in  that  case  the  word  "small"  would  be 
clearly  misapplied  to  it,  unless  indeed  its  members  all  of  them  were 
dwarfs.  Yet,  from  his  clumsy  wording,  this  is  how  the  sentence  must 
properly  be  read ;  and  when  people  address  servants  they  cannot  speak 
too  plainly,  nor  expect  to  have  bad  English  corrected  into  good. 

With  regard  to  the  fine  qualities  required  in  this  cook,  there  is  really 
such  a  string  of  them  that  no  one  but  a  petticoated  Crichton  could 
possess  them,  and  any  one  who  said  she  did  would  be  almost  wanting 
modesty  to  make  the  bold  avowal.  Eor  instance,  as  for  looking  for 
good  temper  in  a  cook,  one  would  about  as  soon  expect  to  see  good 
taste  in  a  gorilla,  or  good  nature  in  a  pig.  A  cook,  whose  cheeks  are 
always  being  reddened  by  the  fire,  becomes  of  course  hot-tempered 
merely  from  the  heat;  and  if  she  be  hired  '"'with  beer"  at  indiscretion, 
we  doubt  if  all  her  church-going  will  keep  her  temper  cool. 


No.  45  Outdone. — The  impudent  conduct  of  Captain  Wilks  in 
boarding  the  Trent  is  such  a  violation  of  all  international  propriety, 
that  the  cry  is  now,  "  Wilks  and  unpardonable  liberty." 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI— December  7,   18G1. 


LOOK    OUT    FOR    SQUALLS. 


Jack  Bull.  "YOU  DO  WHAT'S  RIGHT,  MY  SON,  OR  I'LL  BLOW  YOU  OUT  OF  THE  WATER. 


December  7,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI, 


231 


EDWIN'S  RESURGAM. 

See  the  Article  of  the  New  York  Times  on  Mr.  Edwin  James, 

A  Legal  star,  in.  mid  career, 

Dropped  sudden  into  deepest  dark- 
No  more  was  Edwin  James  seen  here, 
No  more  was  Edwin  James's  clerk. 

We  deemed  both  sunk  in  starless  night, 

As  the  sea  swamps  a  scuttled  bark, 
When  lo  upstruggling  into  light, 

The  hand  of  Edwin  James's  clerk ! 

Who  else  could  write  the  paragraph 

That  has  excited  such  remark — 
Or  blow  our  Edwin's  trumpet  half 

So  well  as  Edwin  James's  clerk  ? 

Who  knew  each  brief,  who  knew  each  fee, 
Knew  all  that 's  patent,  all  that 's  dark, 

About  that  famous  Ex-Q.  C. 
Unless  'twas  Edwin  James's  clerk  ? 

The  outer  world  had  never  known 

One  half  his  merits  and  his  mark — 
What  Bills  he  passed,  what  verdicts  won, 

Except  for  Edwin  James's  clerk. 

We  thought  E.  J.  beneath  a  cloud 

At  once  unsavoury  and  dark ; 
Not  so— he  soared  above  the  crowd, 

Too  pure— says  Edwin  James's  clerk. 

With  Bankruptcy  for  last  resort 

We  deemed  him  prey  of  legal  shark ; 

It  was  the  Bill  and  not  the  Court 

He  passed,  says  Edwin  James's  clerk. 

By  vulgar  arts  we  deemed  he  climbed, 
With  brazen  face  and  blatant  bark ; 

No — 'twas  by  eloquence  sublimed 
He  rose,  says  Edwin  James's  clerk. 

We  thought  the  Bar  was  democrat  ; 

No— in  the  shadow  cold  and  dark 
Of  aristocracy  he  sat, 

Yet  won,  says  Edwin  James's  clerk. 

We  thought  he  could  not  linger  here, 

Eor  reasons  needless  to  remark  ; 
'Twas  but  to  bless  another  sphere 

He  went,  says  Edwin  James's  clerk. 

We  thought  that  other  men  had  fames, 

Others  in  cases  made  their  mark ; 
But  no — 'twas  James  and  only  James 

Did  all,  says  Edwin  James's  clerk. 

The  New  York  Bar,  we  thought,  such  guest 

Had  met  with  faces  cold  and  dark ; 
But  lo  !  they  strain  him  to  their  breast 

With  joy,  says  Edwin  James's  clerk. 

Too  gratified  that  Bar  should  be, 
When  England  bids  such  men  embark, 

To  seek  new  triumphs  over  sea, 
And  so  thinks  Edwin  James's  clerk. 

Soon  may  the  dollars'  tinkling  toll. 
Sweeter  than  song  of  thrush  or  lark, 

Bejoice  the  eyes  and  glad  the  soul, 
Of  Edwin  and  of  Edwin's  clerk. 

Blow  fair  Eavonian  gales,  and  far 
Speed  gentle  Edwin's  new-launched  bark — 

And  good  luck  to  the  New  York  Bar, 
Good  luck  to  Edwin  James's  clerk. 


A  Threatened  Improvement. 

An  agitation  has  been  commenced  in  the  Marylebone  Vestry  for 
getting  a  sub-way  to  be  made  across  Hyde  Park  connecting  Paddington 
andBayswater  with  Brompton  and  South  Kensington.  If  this  sub- 
way means  a  tunnel,  and  Mb.  D'Iffanger  and  his  colleagues  will  pay 
for  it,  well  and  good.  A  tunnel  would  be  simply  a  bore ;  but  a  fatal 
mistake  would  be  committed  in  making  a  cut  through  the  Lungs  of 
London. 


SIK  iBSCULAPIUS  PUNCH  ON  ALLMYEYEOPATHY. 

I  have  often  been  solicited  to  give  my  opinion  of  Allmyeyeopathy,  not 
by  Hospital  Students  alone,  but  by  those  more  zealous  advocates  ot 
medical  reform  who  will  accept  of  no  half-and-half  measures.  Some 
members  of  our  profession  admire  new  lights,  while  others  cling 
tenaciously  to  their  old  lamps,  which  shining  with  sanguine  lustre,  are 
so  aptly  symbolical  of  danger.  Eor  my  part,  knowing  but  little  of 
Allmyeyeopathy,  I  have  hitherto  regarded  it  with  an  apathetic  eye. 
Silence  with  most  people  signifies  consent.  It  is  not  every  minister 
whose  reticence  it  would  take  volumes  to  construe.  A  Burleigh  may 
shake  empires  by  a  nod,  and  cause  with  a  wink  that  perplexity  of 
nations,  which  was  formerly  supposed  to  originate  in  an  eclipse.  A 
physician  is  not  a  diplomatist,  and  eloquence  was  not  given  to  us  for 
a  napkin.  Talleyrand  doubtless  had  peculiar  thoughts,  but  I  solemnly 
affirm  that  we  have  nothing  to  conceal. 

It  is  idle  to  throw  physic  to  those  dumb  animals  whose  universal 
medicine,  judging  from  their  accredited  organs,  appear  to  be  whine  and 
bark.  I  must,  however,  candidly  own,  that  the  practice  of  physic  is  as 
much  like  a  game  of  speculation  as  a  game  of  draughts,  for  we  can  never 
foresee  what  will  be  the  turn-up.  There  is  this  distinction  too  between 
solid  and  liquid  draughts— in  playing  with  one  you  are  huffed  for  not 
taking  a  man,  while  with  the  other  you  may  be  Miffed  for  losing  him. 

We  are  warned  by  eminent  authority  not  to  put  our  trust  in  mix- 
tures. Nervous  patients  often  shudder  on  entering  a  medicated  arsenal, 
to  see  the  pharmaceutical  Ibices  drawn  up  in  battle  array,  while  their 
olfactory  nerves  remind  them  how  rank  is  many  a  phial.  You  might 
fancy  that  an  iron-clad  Warrior  could  scarcely  resist  a  battery  of 
boluses,  but  the  constitution  of  man  is  almost  impregnable,  and  has 
been  known  to  survive  charges  more  terrible  than  those  of  Waterloo. 

Allmyeyeopathy  combines  two  opposite  modes  of  treatment,  being 
at  once  active  and  expectant.  It  acts  directly  on  the  diaphragm  from 
whence  its  influence  radiates  to  all  the  risible  muscles.  The  modus 
operandi  is  simple,  easy,  and  pleasant  as  fibbing  (I  use  that  term  in  its 
Pickwickian,  not  its  pugilistic,  sense).  The  practitioner  when  called 
in,  first  ascertains  that  his  patient  is  strong  enough  to  bear  a  tickle. 
Assured  of  this,  he  exhibits  PuncKs  concentrated  essence,  of  which  he 
always  carries  enough  in  his  recollection,  to  kill  ten  ordinary  jokers. 
The  effect  is  electrical.  Threepenny-worth  will  effect  a  cure,  unless 
the  depression  is  unusually  severe.  A  sporting  barrister,  revived  after 
taking  that  amount,  notwithstanding  he  had  suffered  most  acutely  from 
the  Oaks.  The  same  dose  sufficed  to  rally  an  honourable  Member  who 
lost  his  seat,  after  a  violent  struggle,  and  fell  heavdy  in  public  estima- 
tion. A  poetical  baronet  was  restored  to  consciousness  by  similar 
means  after  a  shocking  effusion  of  verse,  and  when  he  had  been  fright- 
fully cut  up  by  a  Cherokee  reviewer.  A  commodore's  widow  at  Bar- 
badoes,  who  was  attacked  by  a  curious  affection  during  &fete  champetre, 
where  her  partner  was  a  remarkably  slim  naval  lieutenant — an  earnest 
young  orator,  who  met  with  a  painful  accident  by  throwing  himself  on  the 
chair  at  a  Debating  Society,  and  an  embarrassed  Rifleman,  who,  in  the 
contest  for  the  Ladies'  Challenge  Cup,  was  himself  hit  in  the  centre  before 
he  had  even  made  an  outer,  by  the  brilliant  orbs  of  a  patronising  Peeress 
— all  these  valetudinarians  were  completely  restored  by  the  concentrated 
essence,  and  then  sense  of  the  absurdity  is  now  as  perfect  as  possible. 

There  is  nothing  novel  in  Allmyeyeopathy.  Medical  men  have  from 
the  time  of  Hippocrates  been  accustomed  to  prescribe  Placebos,  but 
never  until  now  with  uniform  success.  Placebos  used  to  be  composed 
of  flour,  now  they  are  made  with  fun.  To  secure  perfect  exhilaration, 
however,  the  concentrated  essence  must  be  pure,  and  taken  with 
regularity,  for  much  depends  upon  that.  Vis  comica  has  succeeded  to 
the  business  of  vis  medieatrix  naturae,  or,  perhaps,  medicatrix  is 
lawfully  united  to  comica,  and  has  consequently  changed  her  name. 
Dr.  John  Brown  assures  us  that  he  has  employed  the  essence  in 
his  practice  for  many  years,  and  with  most  pleasurable  results. 
No  infirmary  should  be  for  one  moment  without  the  essence,  and  bene- 
volent persons  might  do  great  good  by  purchasing  a  large  quantity 
for  administration  to  those  who  are  too  low-spirited  to  take  it  in  them- 
selves_  at  their  own  residences.  Every  general  practitioner  should 
carry  it  about  with  him,  if  possible,  in  his  glance. 


AHEAD  OE  THE  BRITISHERS. 

Our  readers  will  derive  a  melancholy  satisfaction  from  the  following 
statements  contained  in  a  letter  which  the  American  Correspondent  of 
the  Post  writes  to  that  journal  from  Boston : — 

41  The  Contractors  continue  to  cheat  marvellously.  .  .  .  To-day  the  Colonel 
ordered  an  inspection  o£  some  hard  bread,  or  army  crackers,  to  be  made,  which 
resulted  in  condemning  46  barrels  out  of  50.  The  Colonel  is  bound  that  his  men 
shall  not  be  swindled  out  of  their  just  and  appropriate  fodder  by  any  of  these 
'cussed  sharks.'  .  .  .  The  crackers  we  eat  are  stamped  'I860,'  and  the  boys 
say  they  have  seen  several  marked  '  B.  CV  " 

The  foregoing  information  must  be  consolatory  to  the  British  public, 
as  showing  that  our  own  Army  Provision.  Contractors  are  not  the 
greatest  rogues  in  the  world. 


232 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[December  7,  1861. 


NO   PLEASING   SOME  PEOPLE, 

Crusty  Driver  (to  a  remark  by  his  Fare).  "  Not  fresh!  Why  then  fios  a  ffoin'  up 
'ill  and  kicls  a<join'  down.  I  ain't  a  (join'  to  gallop  'cm  to  death  on  tlic  level,  'taint 
likely;  (here's no pleasin'  you." 


NOTICE  TO  THE  NORTH. 

Yankees  beware  !  we  are  averse, 

But  not  afraid  to  fight . 
War  we  account  the  direst  curse 

On  man  that  can  alight ; 
And  we  will  do  whate'er  we  may 
To  keep  that  worst  of  plagues  away. 

Insults  we  've  borne,  and  more  can  bear 

To  idle  acts  confined, 
Or  words,  for  which  no  more  we  care 

Than  for  the  noisome  wind 
Polluted  by  your  skunk,  which  blows 
Beyond  the  sphere  of  England's  nose. 

But,  by  insufferable  deeds, 

Thro  whig  substantial  mud, 
So  urge  us  not  that  we  must  needs 

Embrace  the  work  of  blood ; 
Which  we  abhor  ;  compelled  to  smite, 
Shall  therefore  do  with  all  our  might. 

For  Peace  we  fight — as  we  forbear — 
To  keep  it,  patience  strain ; 

To  conquer  it  no  efforts  spare  ; 
And  conquer  to  retain  : 

As,  if  to  war  you  make  us  go, 

By  Jove,  we  '11  try  to  let  you  know  ! 


WE  HATE  BRAGGING. 


There  is  something,  after  all,  in  being  an  Englishman. 
Mr.  John  Bull  can  now  go  to  Erance,  to  Belgium,  Hol- 
land (and  Denmark  and  Sweden  will  very  shortly  follow) 
without  being  called  upon  to  produce  his  passport.  There 
is  no  countryman  hi  the  world  who  can  make  a  similar 
boast.  It  is  true  we  pay  a  heavy  Income-Tax,  but  then  we 
have  the  option  of  going  to  other  countries,  and  no  impedi- 
ments are  thrown  in  our  way.  We  avail  ourselves  of  the 
privdege  pretty  often,  but  then  it  is  always  with  renewed 
pleasure  that  we  come  back  to  the  old  country  again.  Eng- 
land is  the  freest  country  in  the  world — the  freest  to  come 
to,  the  freest  to  go  from,  and  the  freest  to  live  in ;  and 
the  worst  we  wish  other  countries  is  for  them  to  be  as  free 
as  we  are.  We  hate  bragging,  and  that  is  the  reason  we 
never  brag.  The  sun  in  shining  does  not  brag  about  it,  nor 
do  we ;  we  simply  are  the  greatest  people  in  the  world 
because  we  cannot  help  it. 


IMOGENE'S  APOEOGY. 

Dear  Cousins  !  No  doubt  you're  astonished  and  nettled 

To  find  little  I.  in  a  small  village  settled. 

That  one  who  at  sixteen  evinced  some  ambition, 

At  twenty,  without  any  signs  of  contrition, 

Should  let  Hymen  kindle  his  conjugal  torch 

At  the  red  lamp,  which  shines  at  a  medical  porch, 

Is  so  strange, — but  from  love  into  lunacy  proper, 

If  a  girl's  bent  on  rushing — no  Atlas  can  stop  her. 

How  could  I  decline  the  soft  hand  of  Lord  Poppy  ? 

You  ask  (Oh  !  my  error  be  sure  not  to  copy), 

Whose  face  like  his  mind  was  a  beautiful  blank, 

Who  "pwided"  himself  on  his  "wings"  and  his  "wank, 

Eor  his  tongue's  ineffectual  but  elegaut  twitches 

Converts,  as  by  magic,  his  wealth  into  "  witches." 

Well  then !  if  I  must  be  arraign'd  on  my  trial — 

All  the  spirit  he  had  might  be  put  in  a  phial, 

And  gifted  with  little  more  life  than  a  mummy, 

I  called  in  the  doctor,  and  rang  out  the  dummy. 

That  little  I.'s  now  link'd  to  mortar  and  pestle 

Is  true ;  but  her  thoughts  there  do  lovingly  nestle, 

Though  dealing  in  scruples,  she's  free  to  confess, 

She  dotes  on  the  title  of  M.  R.  C.  S.— 

A  title  which  does  not  illumine  the  pages 

Of  dreadful  Debrett,  who  records  ladies'  ages  ! 

Which  parents  consult,  when  their  child  feels  a  dart, 

To  prescribe  with  success  for  complaints  of  the  heart. 

Ere  long  on  our  brass-plate  I  trust  will  appear 

"Dr.  Brown,"  as  to  Scotland  we  travel  next  year, 

Where  honours  which  some  cultivate  with  much  toil 

By  degrees,  are  enriching  that  erudite  soil. 

Such  is  my  apology  :  but  if  you  still 
Mourn  for  me  as  one  that  is  dead — read  my  Will : 


"  I  give  and  bequeath  to  my  Cousins  so  dear 

The  chain  which  I  ought  to  have  hung  round  a  Peer." 

And  those  who  lament  little  I.'s  degradation 

May  from  that  bequest  sip  a  sweet  consolation. 


TITULAR  REFINEMENTS. 


Punch,  whose  pride  it  is  to  call  a  spade  a  spade,  has  often  been 
pained  to  find  how  few  imitate  his  manly  candour.  Streets  now  change 
their  names  like  those  who  dwell  in  them,  with  a  view  to  better  their 
condition,  and  sense  is  often  sacrificed  to  style.  When  from  a  "  Grub  " 
— sacred  to  hungry  Bards  and  pinched  Reviewers — emerged  a  Milton, 
down  Punch's  cheek  rolled  silver  tears— not  that  he  loved  euphony  less, 
but  that  he  loved  old  friendships  better.  Funerals,  because  mourning 
can  be  mimicked  for  a  consideration,  are  licensed  to  be  performed. 
Boots  and  shoes  in  days  of  yore  were  occasionally  cobbled,  now  repairs 
are  always  neatly  executed.  Girls  of  spirit  never  marry,  but  may 
sometimes  condescend  to  compose  a  tableau  vivant,  and  so  they  are 
led  to  the  hymeneal  altar.  A  Member  would  be  ashamed  to  rat,  but 
he  recognises  the  moral  beauty  of  concession  and  saves  his  blushes. 
There  was  one  title,  however,  which  by  reason  of  its  antiquity,  if  nothing 
more,  we  deemed  secure  from  the  refining  process,  but  we  are  mistaken. 
Travelling  lately  from  Oxford  in  a  first  class,  with  some  Anglican 
Divines,  Punch  was  gently  roused  from  his  reverie  by  hearing  a  white 
cravat  who  had  made  some  allusion  to  the  Scarlet  Lady,  hastily  beg 
pardon,  and  colouring  deeply,  correct  himself— he  meant  to  say  the 
Lady  of  the  Lake.    What  a  sacrifice  of  truth  to  tenderness  ! 


The  Member  for  Carlisle  and  Commerce. 

Mr.  Potter,  who  was  returned  for  Carlisle  by  a  majority  of  one,  is 
not  the  youngest  member  in  the  House  of  Commons,  although  he  has 
barely  attained  his  majority. 


December  7,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


233 


JUDICIAL   JOKES    ON    COPYRIGHT. 

ok  all  the  common 
saying,  "grave  as  a 
judge,"  the  judicial 
mind  is  prone  to  joke, 
even  from  the  Bench 
— dulce  est  desipere  in 
loco — though  still  the 
jokes  of  judges  are 
generally  qualified 
with  a  certain  gra- 
vity. We  find  Mr. 
Justice  Bramwell 
reported  as  having 
lately  delivered  at 
the  Juridical  Society, 
some  observations 
which  were  evidently 
intended  to  be  jocu- 
lar. A  Paper  having 
been  read  on  the 
patent  laws  :— 

"  In  the  course  of  the 
discussion  which  ensued, 
Baron  Bramwell  said 
people  had  got  into  the 
habit  of  thinking  that 
men  had  a  right  of  pro- 
perty in  what  they  either 
invented  or  wrote.  But 
no  such  right  existed, 
and  it  was  entirely  a 
matter  of  generosity  that  they  were  secured  the  emoluments  arising  from  it  for  a 
certain  number  of  years.  If  a  man  wrote  a  book  and  published  it,  and  another 
bought  a  copy  of  it,  the  author  could  not  prevent  that  man  from  lending  it  to  a 
third,  and  if  the  purchaser  had  a  right  to  lend  it  to  be  read,  he  had  also  the  right 
of  copying  it  and  of  giving  the  copy  to  others  to  be  read  by  them." 

What  fuii !  If  a  man  hire  a  horse  from  a  livery  stable-keeper,  he 
may  be  at  liberty  to  lend  the  horse  to  a  third,  for  he  is  the  purchaser  of 
the  usufruct  of  the  horse,  and,  we  suppose,  has  a  right  to  sub-let  that. 
No  doubt  he  has  also  a  perfect  right  to  take  a  copy  of  the  horse,  and  to 
give  or  sell  the  copy  to  others  to  be  ridden  by  them,  provided  he  pro- 
cures the  copy  by  going  into  the  horse-market  and  honestly  buying  one. 
He  has  a  right  to  be  a  horse-dealer,  as  he  has  to  be  a  Bookseller,  on 
those  terms.  That  is  what  Judge  Bramwell  meant  to  suggest,  in  a 
facetious  way  of  putting  it.  Horse-stealing  is  highly  punishable  be- 
cause horses  are  easily  stolen ;  mental  property  can  be  stolen  still  more 
easily :  literary  piracy  deserves  proportionate  punishment.  This  is  what 
Baron  Beamwell's  jocosity  amounts  to. 

Mr.  Justice  Bramwell  pleasantly  affected  to  approve  of  Mr. 
Buchanan's  celebrated  declaration  as  to  international  copyright,  that 

the  Americans  would  be  very  foolish  to  agree  to  any  such  thing,  as 
they  would  then  have  to  pay  for  that  which  they  now  obtained  for 
nothing  "  The  learned  judge  (with  an  appropriate  wink,  of  course) 
said,  referring  to  the  ex-President  of  the  ex-United  States  :— 

"  He  was  much  laughed  at,  but  he  uttered  what  was  perfectly  correct,  for  it  was 
a  matter  of  policy  that  the  public  should  get  out  of  authors  and  "inventors  the  most 
it  could,  at  the  smallest  possible  price." 

Seriously,  the  Judge  meant  to  lay  down  the  law,  that  if  the  public 
want  anything  good  in  the  line  either  of  literature  or  inventive  art, 
they  ought  to  do  that  which  is  the  least  they  can  do,  and  pay  a  good 
price  for  it.  His  words  above  quoted  are  only  a  lively  paraphrase  of 
the  maxim  which  declares  that  the  labourer  is  worthy  of  his  hire.  If 
we  did  not  take  the  foregoing  remarks  of  Mr.  Justice  Bramwell 
to  have  been  spoken  in  jest,  but  understood  them  literally,  we  should 
consider  that  they  expressed  notions  of  the  difference  between  meam  and 
tuum  which,  instead  of  being  avowed  by  an  ornament  of  the  Bench, 
could  be  conceivably  entertained  only  by  an  occupant,  or  a  candidate 
tor  the  occupancy,  of  the  opposite  part  of  an  Assize-Court. 


PRETTY  POISON-WREATHS. 


An  inquest  was  held  the  other  day  by  Mr.  Brent  on  the  body  of  a 
young  woman  who  poisoned  herself  by  arsenic  ;  and  the  jury  returned 
a  verdict  which  set  forth  that  the  deceased  had  died  "  accidentally  from 
the  effects  of  mortal  disease  in  her  stomach  and  other  organs,  occasioned 
by  arsenite  of  copper  used  in  her  employment."  Her  employment  was 
that  of  manufacturing  artificial  flower-leaves,  the  flower-stems  being 

with  verdure  clad  "  by  means  of  that  poison.  It  was  proved  by  medical 
testimony  that  she  had  been  ill  from  the  same  cause  four  times  within 
the  last  eighteen  months.  Under  such  circumstances  as  these,  death 
is  evidently  about  as  accidental  as  it  is  when  resulting  from  a  railway 
collision  occasioned  by  arrangements  known  to  be  faulty. 

One  of  the  jurors  remarked,  that  the  use  of  arsenite  of  copper  in 


artificial  flower-makiug  was  prohibited  in  France,  as  injurious  to  the 
health  of  the  workpeople.  Of  course  any  restriction  of  that  sort  on  our 
native  manufacturer  would  be  out  of  the  question  ;  incompatible  with 
British  freedom.  Something,  however,  towards  abohshing  the  employ- 
ment of  arsenic  in  preparing  decorations  for  beauty  might  be  done  by 
humane  but  fast  young  men,  in  making  it  and  its  consequences  the 
subject  of  conversation  with  any  girl,  or  maturer  party,  whom  they  may 
happen  to  meet,  and  whose  heads  or  bonnets  may  happen  to  be  adorned 
with  green  flowers.  To  a  partner  in  a  dance  it  is  often  difficult  to  conceive 
what  to  say;  but  dress  is  always  a  Safe  subject;  only  lest  the  young  lady 
should  despise  you  for  a  sentimental  muff  and  spooney,  you  must  take 
care  to  treat  the  practice  of  poisoning  the  artificial  flower-makers  in  the 
way  of  business,  with  sufficient  levity,  not  censuring  it  in  strong  or 
serious  language,  but  only  saying,  for  instance,  that  you  think  it  jolly 
avaricious,  and  delightfully  inhuman.  She  will  then,  perhaps,  be 
inspired  with  some  disgust  at  the  idea  of  wearing  a  wreath  impregnated 
with  arsenite  of  copper. 


LOVE-SONGS  FOE  LUNATICS. 

The  Bedlamitish  bosh  that  nowadays  is  published  in  the  way  of 
ballad  literature  is  really  of  so  senseless  and  lunatic  a  character  that  one 
would  think  the  scribes  who  write  it  were  not  clothed  in  then  right 
mind,  but  were  one  and  all  invested  with  strait  waistcoats.  Anystuif 
that  has  a  metre,  and  occasionally  rhymes,  no  matter  how  devoid  of 
reason  it  may  be,  is  deemed  worthy  to  be  dubbed  a  sentimental  ballad; 
and  we  are  sure  the  samples  following,  if  only  set  to  music  by  some 
popular  composer,  and  sung  at  a  few  concerts  by  some  of  our  first 
singers,  would  soon  be  warbled  in  our  drawing-rooms  and  whistled  in 
our  streets : — 

I. 

Gaily  the  Tiger-cat  tuned  liis  guitar, 

Serenading  the  magpie  with  feathers  and  tar ; 

Sweetly  he  sneezed  at  her,  sourly  he  sighed, 

"  Lady  bird,  lady  bird,  wilt  be  my  bride  ?  " 

She  for  the  Elephant  sadly  had  pined, 
Ate  but  an  ox,  and  then  vowed  she  had  dined  ; 
Carried  his  photograph  close  to  her  heart, 
Wrapped  up  in  lobsters,  bank  notes,  and  plum  tart. 

At  midnight  the  rivals  they  met  in  the  whale, 
And  fought  by  the  light  of  the  grasshopper's  tail ; 
The  Elephant  stood  on  his  trunk  to  take  breath, 
And  the  Tiger-cat  cosily  hugged  him  to  death. 

Then  with  a  cabbage-stalk  boldly  he  wrote, 
"  Come,  love,  and  tread  on  the  tail  of  my  coat ; 
See  thy  own  Crocodile  whistling  for  thee." 
He  groaned — gave  a  gurgle— a  cold  corse  was  he  ! 

II. 

Lively,  lovely  Isaline, 
Dancing  o'er  the  moon  so  green, 
Freckled  is  thy  snow-black  hah-, 
Sparkling  through  the  spangled  ah. 
While  their  harps  the  dolphins  play, 
Lo  !  thou  skimm'st  the  milky  whey ; 
Wilt  then  be  the  mackerel's  Queen  ? 
Lively,  lovely  Isaline. 

Blighted,  plighted  Isaline  ! 
Mournful  croak  the  cats  serene ; 
Howl  the  gold-fish,  mew  the  frogs, 
Weep  the  shrimps,  and  purr  the  dogs. 
All  thy  pets  with  rapture  say, 
"  Our  lady  will  be  wed  to-day." 
But  canst  thou  love  a  fish  so  green  ? 
Blighted,  plighted  Isaline. 

hi. 
Twinkle,  twinkle,  little  girl, 
How  thy  nose  is  out  of  curl ! 
Up  above  thy  chin  so  high, 
Like  a  lamp-post  hi  the  sky. 

When  the  verdant  sun  is  gone, 
And  the  stars  their  hah  have  done. 
We  will  hire  a  lawyer's  dray. 
And  gallop  o'er  the  sea  so  gay. 

Then  we  '11  feast  on  codling  chops, 
Peagreen  prawns,  and  lollipops ; 
Hunt  the  skipper,  catch  the  croup, 
And  fill  our  shoes  with  myrtle  soup. 


234 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[December  7,  1861. 


A    BAD    CASE    OF    THROWING    STONES. 

Mr.  Bull.  "Now  mind  You,  Sir — no  Shuffling — an  ample  Apology — or  I  put  the  Matter  into  the  hands  of  my  Lawyers, 

Messrs.  Whitworth  and  Armstrong." 


i  THE  GREAT  ECLIPSE. 

A  Gentleman  well  known  in  diplomatic  circles,  who  recently  -visited 
Elorence,  has  sent  us  a  graphic  description  of  this  phenomenon.  He 
writes,  "  Accompanied  by  my  friend  Ccelei;s,  I  reached  Bcllevue  at  six 
ou  Friday  evening.  My  friend  was  quite  in  love  with  Elorence,  aud  I 
must  confess  that  more  soft  and  beautiful  hair  (!)  could  scarcely  be 
imagined  or  desired.  A  few  minutes  alter  our  arrival,  as  we  stood  in 
the  Conservatory  looking  out  upon  Elorence — fairest  of  Italy's  daugh- 
ters ! — a  shrill  cry  arrested  our  attention,  and  presently  a  portly  female 
entered  with  a  very  diminutive  infant,  wrapped  in  ermine,  reposing  on 
her  arms.  This  we  subsequently  learnt  was  the  celebrated  fout-les-mois 
Nourrice,  Madame  Sarygamp,  formerly  of  the  Hopital  de  St.  Thomas 
a  Londres.  The  effect  was  remarkable.  Florence  was  cast  completely 
into  the  shade,  and  Coslebs  also,  was  affected  by  a  sensible  gloom.  It 
was  a  great  Eclipse  !  The  beauty  of  Florence  was  lost  as  it  were 
behind  a  cloud,  and  her  wealth,  for  which  Princes  had  sighed,  'and 
poets  twanged  their  mercenary  lyres,  had  become  a  by-word  and  a  jest. 
On  returning  to  our  Hotel,  my  friend  immediately  weut  to  bed,  and 
clasping  my  hand,  in  a  voice  broken  with  emotion,  he  intimated  that  if 
his  precious  life  was  spared,  Ire  should  turn  friar,  and  enter  La  Trappe. 
Strange !  that  a  rational  being,  who  had  so  recently  escaped  from  one 
trap  should  evince  such  a  frantic  desire  to  get  into  another. 

P.S.  I  should  have  mentioned  that  Florence  is  the  only  daughter 
of  Count  Bergamotte,  and  was,  till  the  great  eclipse  occurred,  pre- 
sumptive heiress  to  his  immense  estates.  She  was  just  seventeen — 
sweet  seventeen— when  her  little  brother  was  born.  The  Count,  on 
beholding  the  eclipse,  raised  his  eyes  and  hands  with  grateful  rapture, 
exclaiming,  "  E  meglio  tardi  die  mai." 


Mr.  Cassell's  Telegram.—"  The  young  Teetotaller,  who,  in  an 
unwary  moment,  allowed  himself  to  be  intoxicated  with  a  lady's 
charms,  has  since  drowned  himself  in  the  bowl." 


A  JOURNEY  IN  SEARCH  OF  A  PAIR  OF  GLOVES. 

In  several  of  our  extensive  warehouses,  where  they  sell  everything 
from  a  doyley  down  to  a  door-mat,  it  takes  you  a  rare  long  time  some- 
times to  get  to  the  end  of  your  destination.  For  instance,  we  went  into 
one  the  other  day  not  far  from  Oxford  street.  Our  frozen  digits  stood 
in  need  of  a  warmer  pair  of  what  the  Germans  figuratively  call  "hand 
shoes."  "  Sir,  would  you  be  kind  enough,"  said  the  shopman  most 
civilly  in  reply  to  our  request,  "to  take  the  first  turning  on  your  right, 
then  walking  through  the  Shawl-room,  which  is  well  worth  your  inspec- 
tion, you  will  come  to  the  Ladies'  Paletot  and  Pelisse  Department, 
which  you  will  leave  on  your  left,  and  bear  straight  on  for  the  Boa  and 
Muff  Depot,-" 

Here  the  poor  shopman  paused  to  take  breath. 

"  Alter  that,  Sir,"  he  continued,  "you  will  come  to  a  long  passage, 
of  which  you  must  take  no  notice,  as  it  is  only  a  branch  of  our  Mourn- 
ing and  General  Grief  Department,  but  as  you  pass  the  Widows' 
Private  Consulting-room,  you  will  see  before  you  a  light  iron  circular- 
staircase,  which  you  must  ascend,  but  avoiding  the  Babies'  Bib,  Bassi- 
nette, and  Berccaurrctte  Show-room  on  the  second  landing,  about  half- 
way down  the  projecting  gallery,  you  will  notice  a  handsome  mahogany 
counter,  which  is  a  Carre,  Parasol,  Parapluie,  and  Sun-blind  Stall,  and 
there,  Sir,  if  you  will  give  yourself  the  trouble  to  inquire,  any  one  will 
direct  you  the  nearest  way  to  the  Salon  des  Oants." 

But  we  begged  to  be  excused,  for  it  struck  us  vividly  that  we  might 
go  to  Paris  and  buy  our  gloves  in  less  time.  Instead,  therefore,  of 
undertaking  that  long  journey,  without  having  as  much  as  kissed  our 
dear  wife,  or  taken  leave  even  of  the  blessed  children,  we  quietly  went 
into  the  first  hosier's  (a  small  sentry-box  of.'  a  shop  compared  to  the 
handsome  palace  we  had  just  left),  and  promptly  got  what  we  wanted. 


Toast  for  Thorough  Conservatives. 
and  Purchase  in  the  Army. 


-Simony  in  the  Church, 


Printed  by  William  Bradbury,  cf  No  13.  Upper  Woburn  Place,  and  Frederick  Mullet*  Evans,  of  No.  19,  Queen's  Eoad  West,  Regent's  Park,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  1  ancras,  in  the  county  of  Middlesex 
PnnterB,  at  their  Office  in  Lombard  Street,  is  the  PrecincS  of  Whitefriars,  iu  the  City  of  Loadon,  and  Published  by  them  at  Nc.85,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  Cityos  Losdon.— 
S*tvbsat,  December  7,1861, 


Next  Week  will  be  Published,  Price  Zd. ,  Stamped  id. , 


PUNCH'S    ALMANACK    FOR    1862. 

Illustrated  by  JOHN  LEECH  and  JOHN  TENNIEL. 

PUNCH  OFFICE,  85,  FLEET  STREET,  E.C. 


o 

m 

H 

X 
33 

m 
rn 
■o 
m 
z 
o 

m 


THE    RE-ISSUE    OF   PUNCH. 

Vol.  10  in  boards,  Priee  5s.  is  published  this  day.— The  following  are  already  published: 

Vol.     1      (For  1841) 6s.  |      Vols.  4  and  5  (1843)  10s.  6d. 

Vols.  2  and  3  (1842) 10s.  U.  |     Vols.  6  and  7  (1844)  10s.  6d. 

Vols.  8  and  9  (1845) 10s.  6cZ. 

***  Any  Volume  or  Double  Volume  may  always  be  had  separately. 
Bradbury  &  Evaks,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


PUNCH'S    TWENTY    ALMANACKS, 

1842  TO  1861. 

Bound  in  cloth,  Price  5s.  6<Z. 
"  It  was  a  happy  notion  to  reproduce  a  volume  of  these  Almanacks  for  the  last 
twenty  years,  in  which  we  can  trace  their  manifest  improvement  up  to  Christmas, 
I860."—  Times. 

Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LQNDOJN   CHARIVARI.— December  14,  1861. 


Price  5s.,  elegantly  bound  and  illustrated, 

HALIFAX   GE^TLE- 
man. 

Also,  by  tbe  same  Author,  5s. each, 

A     WOMAN'S      THOUGHTS 

ABOUT  WOMEN. 

A  LIFE  FOR  A  LIFE. 
NOTHING  NEW. 

Hurst  &  Bj.ackett,  Publishers. 


In  a  few  days,  by  William  G.  Windham, 

WOTES  IN  NORTH  AFRICA. 

It  With  sjilendtd  Coloured  Illustrations, 
being  a  Guide  to  the  Tourist  or  Sportsman  in 
Algeria  and  Tunisia     Price  5s. 

Ward  &  Lock,  158,  Fleet  Street. 

Second  Edition,  with  10  coloured  plates,  7s-  6d. 

THE     HENWIFE;     HER 

«&  own  Experience  in  Her  own  Poultry 
Yard.  By  Mas.  Fergusson  Blair,  of  Balthayock, 
Pertha. 

Edinburgh  :  Thomas  C.  Jack. 

London:  Hamilton  &  Co. 


E  EDUCTION  IN  PRICE  OF 
THE  ATHENjEUM.    The  Proprietors, 

taking  advantage  of  the  Abolition  of  tbe  Paper 
Duty,  have  resolved  that  from  this  day,  the  Price 
shall  be  REDUCED  to  THREEPENCE. 


THE    CORNHILL    MAGA- 
x  SINE. 

ONE  SHILLING  MONTHLY.  Illustrated. 
Smith,  Elder,  &  Co.,  6%  Cornhill. 


es  POST  FREE 
5&G0TTG 


PLAYING      CARDS- ALL 

Jt  the  new  Patterns  of  the  present  Season 
bv  the  Best  Makers,  at  Is.  6d„  Is.  Oil.,  2a.,  -a.  3rf., 
2s.  c„l.,  2s.  9rf.,  3s.,  3s.  3d.,  3s.  M.,  3s.  9d„  4a.,  and 
4a.  fid.  per  pack.  A  Pick  carefully  selected  and  for- 
warded by  post  on  receipt  of  stamps,  with  2d.  extra 
forpostage. 
J.  Gilbert's,  IS,  Gracechurch  Street,  London,  E.C- 

IlEZANDEE.       ROBB, 

&&■  FAMILY  and  EXPORT  BISCUIT 
BAKER  an, I  CONFECTIONER, begs  to  acknow- 
ledge, with  grateful  thanks,  the  long  continued 
patronage.o£  his  FRIENDS  and  the  PUBLIC,  and 
to  call  their  attention  to  his  Show  of 

CHRISTMAS  AND  TWELFTH-DAT  CAKES. 
Now  preparing, and  which  this  Season  will  beofthe 
usual    choice  and  elegant    description,  many  New 
and  Tasteful  Decorations  being  selected  and  intro- 
duced. 
CHRISTMAS    TAKES,    ORNAMENTED,  Is.  6d. 

peril..      TWELFTH-DAY  CAKES, 

First  Quality,  highly  decorated,  2s.  per  lb.    Second 

ditto,  Is.  6(7."per  lb.    Third  ditto,  for  Juveniles,  Is, 

per  lb.    A  large  Assortment  of  SAVOY,  ALMOND, 

and  other  CAKES  (in  Moulds),  Is.  M.  per  11). 

POUND  CAKES,  1«.  4 d.  per  lb. 
RATAFIAS  and  MAOCA  MOONS,  1«.  s,l.  per  lb. 

SCOTCH   BUNS,  Is.  3(2.  peril). 

SCOTCH  SHORT  HRF.AD.  6*.  to  5«.  per-Cake. 

ASSORTED  CASE-   OF  BISCUITS,  for  Presents, 

2s.  (id.  and  upwards. 
PASTRY  of  every  description,   CREAMS,   ICES, 

•TELLIES.  &c. 
Alarge  STOCK  of  WEDDING  CAKES  always  on 

hand. — Manufactory. 

79,  ST.  MARTIN'S  LANE,  CHARING  CROSS, 

Delivery  by  Cart  to  all  parts  of  Town  daily. 

"DINING     AND    DRAWING 

JU  ROOM  FURNITURE. 

The  Eugenie  Easy-chair,  price  25*. 
The  Prince  of  Wales  Chair,  price  32*. 
The  Vienna  Easy-chair,  price  35s. 
The  Paraxon  Couch,  price  :i  guineas. 
The  Prince  of  Wales  Couch,  price  3A  guineas. 
J.  Maple  &  Co. 

TURKEY     CARPETS. 

■»  A  Fresh  Importation. 

Prices  very  Moderate. 
The  Trade  supplied. 
J.  Maple  &  Co. 

T    MAPLE  &  Co.  FOR  CAR- 

«J  •  PETS  AND  CURTAINS. 

Five  Thousand  Pieces  good  Brussels  at  2s.  0(2.  per 

yard  ;    Stout  Brussels.  2s. 

The  Pekin    Cloth  for  Curtains,  Reps,  and  all  the 

New  Materials. 

I     MAPLE   &    Co.'s    FIRST 

6*  •  GLASS  FURNITURE. 

Mahogany  Wing  Wardrobes,  9.  guineas;  ditto,  with 
Plate  Glas3  Doors,  11  guineas;  ditto,  in  Painted 
Wood,  with  Plate  Glass  Doors,  5  $  guineas;  Bed- 
steads of  every  description,  in  Wood,  Iron,  and  Brass, 
fitted  with  Drapery  and  Bedding  complete;  several 
Suite3  of  Drawing-room  Furniture,  from  12  to  20 
guineas;  the  Eugenie  Easy  Chair,  23s.;  Couch  to 
correspond,  3  guineas;  many  Cbid'oniers,  with  Plate 
Glass  and  Marble,  from  ,£b  to  i£25;  Marqueterie 
Cabinets  from  2  guineas;  very  large  ditto,  in  Buhl! 
from  *12  to  £25  ;  Bookcases  from  4$  guineas. 
Illustrated  Catalogues  free  on  application. 
145.  Tuttenbam  Court  Road. 

H'^OLLOWAY^y- OIBTTMENT 
AND  PILLS.— Never  neglect  a  Cold. 
It  is  painful  to  hear  of  the  many  fatal  cases,  which 
commenced  with  the  ordinary  symptoms  of  a  com- 
mon cold.  Hom.oway's  Ointment  rubbed  upon 
the  back  and  chest,  will  prevent  all  disastrous  con- 
sequences. 

f^OCKLE'S      ANTIBILIOUS 

V  PILLS,  for  indigestion,  bile,  sick  head- 
ache, acidity,  heartburn,  flatulency,  spasms,  &c. 
Prepared  )n  y  by  James  Cockle,  18,  New  Ormond 
Street,  London,  ami  iu  ne  had  ot  all  Medicine  Ven- 
dors, in  boxes  at  Is.  14(2..  2s.  M.."4s.  6(2..  and  lla. 


CHRISTMAS  FBESEHTS  AND  NEW  YEAR'S  GIFTS. 

T.  A.  SIMPSON  &  Co., 

GOLDSMITHS,  SILVERSMITHS,  JEWELLERS,  WATCH   &   CLOCK   MANUFACTURERS, 
AND  IMPORTERS  OF  EVERY  DESCRIPTION  OF  FANCY  NOVELTIES. 


TA.  SIMPSON  AND  Co.  invite  attention  to  their  choice  and  elegant  ASSORTMENT  of 
•  JEWELLERY,  Watches,  Clocks,  Garnitures  de  Chemines,  Table  Ornaments,  Dressing  Cases 
and  Bags,  Fancy  Cabinet  Ware,  Mediieval-mounted  Walnut  Wood,  and  an  endless  variety  of  the 
most  iugenious  and  beautiful  Manufactures  of  London,  Paris,  Vienna,  and  Frankfort,  at  prices 
to  suit  all  purchasers. 

Diamond  and  Gem  Ornaments,  Bracelets,  Brooches.  Rings,  Necklets,  Lockets,  Earrings, 
Chains,  Stu'ls,  Scarf  Pins,  Sleeve  Links,  and  every  description  of  Jewellery  at  moderate  prices  ; 
and  a  large  Stock  of  other  articles  suitable  for  presents,  but  too  various  to  enumerate. 

The  Royal  Album  complete,  with  Photographic  Portraits  of  the  Royal  and  Imperial  Families 
of  Europe,  besides  eminent  personages  of  every  nation  ;  also  an  elegant  assortment  of  other 
Albums,  containing  from  30  to  250  portraits  ;  folding  Photograph  Frames  in  Gilt  Ormolu  in  great 
variety. 

T.  A.  SIMPSON  &  Co., 
154,  Segent  Street,  arsd  8,  Seak  Street;   and  Paris,  Rue  de  Rivoli. 

DR.  DE  JONGH'S 

(Knight,  of  the  Order  of  Leopold  of  Belgium) 


COD  LIVER  OIL 


Prescribed  by  the  most  eminent  Medical  Men  throughout  the  world  as  the  safest,  speediest, 
and  most  effectual  remedy  for 

CONSUMPTION,   CHRONIC   BRONCHITIS,  ASTHMA,  COUGHS,    RHEUMATISM,  GOUT, 

GENERAL    DEBILITY,    DISEASES   OF   THE    SKIN,    RICKETS,  INFANTILE  WASTING, 

AND   ALL  SCROFULOUS  AFFECTIONS, 

Is  incomparably  Superior  to  every  other   Variety. 

SELECT   MEDICAL    OPINION'S  : 

SIR  HENRY  MARSH,  Bart.,  M.D.,  Physician  in  Ordinary  to  the  Queen  in 
Ireland. — "  I  consider  Dr.  de  Jough's  Cod  Liver  Oil  to  be  a  very  pure  Oil,  not  likely  to  create 
disgust,  and  a  therapeutic  agent  of  great  value." 

SIR  JOSEPH  OLLIFFE,  M.D.,  Physician  to  the  British  Embassy  at  Paris.— 
"  I  have  frequently  prescribed  Dr.  de  Jongh's  Light  Brown  Cod  Liver  Oil,  and  I  have  every 
reason  to  be  satisfied  with  its  beneficial  and  salutary  effects." 

BR.  L6NKE8TER,  F.R.S.— "I  deem  tbe  Cod  Liver  Oil  sold  under  Dr.  de  Jongh's 
guarantee  to  be  preferable  to  any  other  kind  as  regards  genuineness  and  medicinal  efficacy." 

DE.  LAWSANCE,  Physician  to  H.R.H.  the  Duke  of  Saxe-Coburg  and  Gotha.— "I 
invariably  prescribe  Dr.  de  Jongh's  Oil  in  preference  to  any  other,  feeling  assured  that  I  am 
recommending  a  genuine  article,  and  not  a  manufactured  compound  in  which  the  efficacy  of 
this  invaluable  medicine  is  destroyed."     

Dr.  de  Jongh's  Light-Bp.own  Cod  Liver  Oil  is  sold  only  in  imperial  half-pints,  Is.  Gd. ; 
pints,  4.?.  9it.  ;  quarts  9s.  ;  capsuled  and  labelled  with  bis  stamp  and  signature,  without  which 
none  can  tossibly  "BE  gendine,  by  respectable  Chemists. 

Sole  Consignees  :— ANSAR,  HARFORD    &  Co.,  77,  Strand,  London,  W.C. 
CAUTION.— .Beware  of  Proposed  Substitutions. 

MESSES.  MECEI  AMD   BAZ1N 

TTAVE  ON  VIEW  alarge  assortment  of  selected  ARTICLES  of  TASTE  and  TJSE- 
11  FULNESS  adapted  for  PRESENTATION  PURPOSES.    They  vary  in  price 
from    10s.   to    £100  each,  and  are  well  worthy  an  inspection  by  those  anxious  to   obtain   an 
apprecial  tie  emblem  of  their  respect  and  regard.     Catalogues  post  free  on  application. 
112,  REGENT  STREET,  and  4,  LEADENHALL  STREET,  LONDON.     Established  in  1827. 

THE    CATTLE    SHOW. 

p  ENTLEMEN  visiting  London  will  find  at  Messrs.  NICOLLS'  their  usual  display  of  New  and 
^  Fashionable  Showerproof  OVERCOATS;  also  other  garments,  "embracing  the  newest 
designs,"  suitable  for  Hunting,  Shooting,  and  Sporting  generally.  In  all  cases  moderate  charges 
are  strictly  observed.  Messhs.  Nicoll  invite  special  attention  to  the  "  Two  Guinea  NegligS 
Milled  Tweed  Suit."     See  Punch,  19th  October,  1861. 

H.  J.  and  D.  NICOLL,  114,  110,  118,  120,  Regent  Street  ;  22,  Cornhill,  London;  and  10,  St. 
Ann's  Square,  Manchester. 


From  the  Cook's  Guide,  (Published  by 
Mr.  Bentley,  New  Burlington  Street) 
by  Mons.  C.  E.  Francatelli,  late  Chief 
Cook  to  Her  Majesty, 

A  LIGHT  PUDDING  FOR  INVALIDS. 
To  one  dessert- spoonful  of  Brown  and 
Polson,  add  two  ounces  of  pounded 
sugar,  three  -gills  of  milk,  one  ounce  of 
butter,  a  pinch  of  salt,  and  a  tea-spoonful 
of  orange-flower  water ;  stir  briskly  on 
the  fire  till  it  boils  ;  then  work  in  three 
yolks  of  eggs,  and  the  three  whites 
whisked  firm  ;  pour  this  into  a  buttered 
mould  or  pudding  basin,  and  steam  it  in 
ilrtg   the  usual  way. 

BROWN  &  POLSON,  Manufacturers  and  Purveyors  to  Her  Majesty  the  Queen. 
Paisley,  Manchester,  Dublin,  and  London. 

WRITING,  BOOK-KEEPING,  &c. 

pERSONS  of  any  age,  however  bad  their  writing,  may,  in  EIGHT  LESSONS,  acquire  per- 
**  manently  an  elegant  and  flowing  Style  of  Penmanship,  adapted  either  to  professional 
pursuits  or  private  correspondence.  Arithmetic  on  a  method  requiring  ouly  one-third  the  time 
usually  requisite.  Book-keeping,  as  practised  in  the  Government,  Banking,  and  Merchants' 
Offices ;  Short-hand,  &c.  For  Terms,  &c,  apply  to  Mr.  SMART,  at  the  Institution,  The  First 
Private  Door  in  Swallow  Street,  Quadrant,  London,  removed  from  No.  5,  Piccadilly. 

*#*  Caution.  — No  connexion  with  parties  travelling  in  the  Provinces  assuming  the  name, 
copyingtheadvertisements,  &c.,of  Mr.  William  Smart,  whose  only  address  is — The  First  Private 
Door  in  Swallow  Street,  Quadrant,  Regent  Street,  London. 
ESTABLISHED  UPWARDS  OF  25  YEARS.— Private  and  Carriage  Entrance  in  Swallow  Street. 

EBBING    AND    BIRTHDAY    PRESENTS.-H.    RODRIGUES, 

42,  PICCADILLY,  invites  attention  to  bis  elegant  STOCK  of  TRAVELLING  DRESSING 
BAGS,  DRESSING  CASES,  DESPATCH  BOXES,  Writing  Cases,  Work  Boxes,  Jewel  Cases,  Seent  Caskets  and 
Glove  Boxes,  LADIES'  RETICULE  and  CARRIAGE  HAGS  of  every  description:  MEDLEVAL  MOUNTED 
ENVELOPE  CASKS,  BLUTT1XG-BOUKS,  and  INKSTANDS  en  suite  :  the  NEW  PATENT  SELF-CLOSING 
BOOK-SLIDE,  also  a  choice  variety  ol  ELEGANCIES  and  NOVELTIES  suitable  for  PRESENTATION,  too 
various  to  enumerate,  to  be  had  at 

HENRY  RODRIGUES'  42,  PICCADILLY, two  doors  from  Sackville  Street,  W. 


A  RARE  COMBINATION  — 
E.  MOSES  and  SON  beg  respectfully 
to  remind  the  public  that  in  every  department  of  all 
their  Establishments,  the  highest  degree  ot  excel- 
lence in  every  particular  is  associated  with  prices  the 
most  moderate. 

Preparations  on  an  unusually  extensive  scale  have 
been  made  for  tbe  Autumn  and  Winter  seasons. 

Our  celebrated  INDISPENSABLE  SUIT,  adapted 
equally  for  walking,  riding,  travelling,  or  business, 
may  be  had  in  a  large  variety  of  seasonable  and 
fashionable  materials,  from  30j.  to  70s. 

Any  article  not  approved  of  will  be  exchanged,  or 
tbe  money  returned. 

A  Card"  of  Fashions  for  the  present  season,  with 

rules  for  self-measurement,  &  list  of  prices,  post  free. 

E.  MOSES  and  SON, 

Ready-made  and  Bespoke  Tailors,  Habit-makers, 

Woollen  Drapers,  Hatters.  Hosiers,  Boot  and  Shoe 

Makers,  and  General  Outfitters. 

LONDON  HOUSES: 

CITY  ESTABLISHMENT, 

151, 155, 156,  157,  Minnries-.  S3,  S4, S5,  86,  Aldgate. 

OXFORD  STREET  BRANCH, 

506,  507,  50S.  New  Oxford  Street,  1,  2, 3,  Hart  Street. 

TOTTENHAM  COURT  ROAD  BRANCH, 
137,  139,  Tottenham  Court  Road;  983,  Eustun  Road. 
COUNTRY  ESTABLISHMENTS: 
Sheffield  and  Bradford,  Yorkshire. 
E.  MOSES  and  SON'S  Establishments  are  closed 
every  Friday  Evening  at  sunset  till  Saturday  Even- 
ing  at    Sunset,  when   business   is    resumed   until 
Eleven  o'clock. 


nel  Shirts  for  a  Guinea 
jAulwpOkSEfrnm  choose-from  mk 

THR£E(VERy  BEST  QLfAUTyjFOR  A  GUMEAf.A  HALF 

PATTERNS  SENT  POST  FREE. 

PETER  ROBINSON 

iomoios  Oxford  St  Loudon  !W 


EXTRACT  OF  ROSES,  FOR 
Cleansing,  Preserving,  and  Beautifying 
the  Hair.  Imparts  to  the  Hair  the  fragrance  ot'  the 
Rose,  and  gives  it  a  smooth  and  glossy  appear- 
ance. After  violent  exercise,  or  in.  warm  weather, 
its  refreshing  qualities  must  be  proved  to  he  appre- 
ciated. Price  3s.,  bs.,  aud  His. 
g2B  H.  Rigge,  >.5,  New  Bond  Street. 


F 


A  New  and  Valuable  Preparation  of  Cocoa. 

RY'S       ICELAND 

MOSS    COCOA. 

In  1  lb.,  ^  1  b.,  and  £  lb.  packets. 

Sold  by  Grocers  and  Druggists. 

J.  S.  Fry  &  Sons,  Bristol  and  London. 


ROWLANDS'  MACASSAR  OIL,  for  promoting 
the  Growth,  Restoring  and  Beautifying  the  Human 
Hair. 

ROWLANDS'  KALYDOR  for  Improving  and 
Beautifying  the  Complexion  and  Skin,  and  Eradi- 
cating Cutaneous  defects. 

ROWLANDS'  ODONTO,  or  Pearl  Dentifrice,  for 
the  Teeth,  Gums,  and  Breath. 

Sold  at  20,  Hatton  Garden,  and  by  Chemists  and 
Perfumers. 

EIMM  EL'S 
PEUFUME  VAPO- 
RISER, as  used  at  the  Lord 
Mayor's  and  other  entertain- 
ments, removes  all  disagreeable 
smells,  purities  the  air,  and 
diffuses  a  delighttul  fragrance. 
Price  from  (is. 

KIMMKL'S       ALMANACK 
FOR  IS  )2,   beautifully    illumi- 
nated and  perfumed.    Price  6d., 
by  Post  for  7  stamps, 
^p  C.  Rimaii£l,  Perfumer. 

=^^1^""     9fi,  Strand,  and  24,  Cornhill. 

TOKAY,    DRY    TOKAY- 

<&  This  aristocratic  Wine  may  now  be 
obtained  at  moderate  prices  from  M.  Diosv,  123, 
Eenchurch  Street,  E.C;  also  Alfred  be  Lite's 
celebrated  Bordeaux  Wines,  and  Delseck  &  Co.'s 
superior  Champagnes. 

"LA  DUeESSSE.H"| 

\  T/Iie  most  refreshing  *ai  wiibie  «f  th«  d»y.  \ 
s  Price- :2s.  6cl.  of  rJIChaattK*  »M  TaswJnm  of  { 
>  PsrStiiriery.or  by  letter  f»netwisfi»P«ei  Office  J 
l  'j.-(ior:jrStamoi)toPB3liIJUr*5»r  ASTJOO.,  \ 
I  1,  Budge  Eovr,  St.  Stall*.),  i,»sp«M,  S.C.  * 
•.•MADE,?».ed,!&OJ»r,J*.idIL,a»-M-  J 
.;  ■?■■    rr:iery  for  *yjir+<:j^»%ai»tf.   OtM&ie^rwe'.Vee.  «, 


HAIR    JEWELLERY- 
GEORGE  HOOPER.  Artist  in  Hair. 

Ladies'  and  Gentlemen's  own  Hair  worked  to  any 
design.  Illustrated  patterns  sent  free  by  Post.  Only 
address,  213,  Kegent  Street, London,  W. 

AITED,     LEFT-OFF 

CLOTHES,  Uniforms,  Furniture, 
Miscellaneous  Property,  &c.  The  highest  price 
given.  Ladies  or  Gentlemen  waited  on  by  addressing 
to  Mr.  or  Mrs.  G.  Hyam,  10,  Beak  Street,  Regent 
Street,  W.;  or  Parcels  being  sent,  the  utmost  value 
in  cash  immediately  remitted.    Established  1S20. 


December  14,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


235 


liJli!'ll/ii!|'|iiili|iMil|  HIU 


1  If, 


NATURE    WILL    OUT    AT    LAST. 

Well-intentioned,  but  Incautious  Stable-Boy  (in  temporary  disguise),  to  the  restive  and  plunging  blanc-mauge.  "  Wo-ho,  there!    Wo-o-o-o! .'" 


MUSIC  WITHOUT  NOISE. 

A  Great  Musician,  as  everybody  knows,  composed  certain  "  Songs 
without  Words  "  but  Mendelssohn,  in  producing  those  apparently 
impossible  works,  accomplished  a  difficulty  less  arduous  than  that 
which  has  been  surmounted  by  the  inventor  of  an  instrument  advertised 
by  Mb.  Chappell  of  Regent  Street,  as ; — 

"  AZEMARS  SILENT  PRACTICE  DRUM." 

The  handbill,  headed  as  above,  informs  us  that : — 

'•  For  the  purposes  of  practice,  the  Silent  Drum  possesses  all  the  advantages  of  a 
real  one  ;  it  offers  the  same  resistance  and  rebound  to  the  sticks,  and  admits  of  an 
equal  degree  of  force  and  action  in  beating,  unaccompanied,  however,  by  the 
excessive  noise  which  precludes  the  possibility  of  a  drum  being  practised  in-doors.'' 

We  would  say  that  not  only  does  the  Silent  Drum  possess  all  the 
advantages  of  a  real  one  for  purposes  of  practice,  but  is  also  free  from 
all  the  disadvantages  of  a  drum  which,  when  beaten,  makes  a  noise. 
A  solo  on  the_  drum  is  a  musical  performance  to  which  few  persons 
would  like  to  listen  under  any  circumstances  ;  but  when  executed  as  a 
piece  of  practice,  especially  in-doors,  it  must  be  extremely  far  from 
agreeable  to  anybody  within  hearing. 

Well,  but  some  one  will  say,  what  is  the  use  of  a  Silent  Drum  ?  Might 
not  the  drummer,  for  purposes  of  practice,  as  well  beat  the  air  ?  This 
question  is  provided  with  an  answer  in  the  subjoined  statement : — 

"  The  degree  of  correctness  in  the  beating  is  accurately  ascertained  by  a  slight 
sound,  as  well  as  by  the  vibration  on  the  leg,  to  which  the  Silent  Drum  is  strapped  ; 
this  position  of  the  drum  on  the  leg  also  corrects  the  fault,  common  to  beginners, 
of  allowing  the  sticks  to  drop  towards  the  right.  The  small  circumference  of  this 
instrument  compels  the  drummer  to  concentrate  the  blows,  and  its  rim  ensures 
the  sticks  being  kept  at  the  proper  height.  The  Silent  Drum  is  very  portable,  six 
of  them  occupying  less  space  than  one  ordinary  side  drum." 

The  fact  that  the  small  circumference  of  the  instrument  compels  the 
drummer  to  concentrate  his  blows,  will  be  apparent  from  the  follow- 
ing :— 

"Directions  how  to  use  the  Silent  Drum.— Strap  it  on  the  left  leg,  a  little 
above  the  knee,  the  iron  tongue  resting  against  the  inside  of  the  same ;  when 


standing,  the  left  leg  must  rest  on  some  slight  elevation  ;  when  sitting,  the  left  leg 
to  be  bent  under,  and  the  right  one  stretched  out,  with  the  right  side  of  the  drum 
resting  on  it." 

When  sitting,  at  least,  the  drummer,  if  he  missed  thedrum,  would 
very  likely  hit  the  leg  against  which  it  would  rest,  and  give  himself  an 
unpleasant  whack  on  the  knee,  which  would  forcibly  remind  him  of  the 
necessity  of  concentration  in  aiming  his  drumstick  at  its  mark. 

Mr.  Thomas  Caklyle,  in  many  of  his  humorous  writings,  takes 
frequent  occasion  to  impress  upon  his  readers  the  great  value  of 
the  Silences.  Among  the  Silences  there  are  few  more  valuable, 
especially  for  purposes  of  practice,'  than  the  Silent  Drum.  M.  Azemar 
would  confer  a  great  boon  upon  society,  and  particularly  the  studious 
part  of  it,  if  he  could  contrive  to  invent  some  other  Silences  of  the 
musical  kind.  A  silent  piano  in  the  next  house  would  be  a  real 
blessing  to  many  a  person  whose  auditory  nerves  are  sensitive ;  so 
would  a  silent  flute,  a  silent  fiddle,  or  a  silent  cornopeon.  Let 
M.  Azemar  consult  Mb.  B  abb  age,  who  made  the  calculating  machine, 
and  abhors  street-music ;  let  them  lay  their  heads  together,  and  try  if, 
between  them,  they  cannot  invent  a  silent  grinding-organ,  _a_  silent 
brass  band,  and  a  silent  bagpipe  ;  to  the  use  of  which  itinerant 
Italians,  Germans,  pseudo-Scotchmen,  and  other  creators  of  public 
discord,  should  be  restricted  by  Act  of  Parliament. 


A  Monarch  is  Never  so  Blind  as  When  he  Won't  See. 

M.  de  Vincke,  the  distinguished  Prussian  orator,  and  liberal-hearted 
politician,  whose  eloquent  denunciations  of  wrong  generally  thrilled 
throughout  Europe,  is  about  to  retire,  to  the  extreme  regret  of  all  his 
admirers,  from  public  life.  It  may  be  that  he  is  disgusted  with  the 
conduct  of  the  King,  and  his  pompous  feudal  revivals,  and  absurd 
ravings  about  Divine  Right.  With  one  to  short-sighted  as  William  the 
Pirst,  the  Prussian  Gladstone  may  feelthat  his  presence,  so  valuable 
on  most  occasions,  is  no  longer  necessary,  inasmuch  as  he  cannot  possibly 
do  any  good.  Probably,  he  excuses  his  retirement  by  saying : — "  A  nod 
to  a  blind  King  is  as  good  as  a  Yincke." 


vol.  xli. 


B  B 


236 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[December  14,  1861. 


EWS    FOR    THE    NAVY. 

ack  's  Alive  appears 
to  be  the  tune  just  now 
in  Portsmouth,  and 
our  other  naval  ports. 
And  that  Jack  may  be 
kept  lively,  the  Ad- 
miralty very  clearly 
seems  to  wish.  Else 
we  should  not  see  such 
an  announcement  in 
the  Era  as  that  which 
we  subjoin  : — ■ 

WANTED,  for  the 
•''  •  Royal  Navy,  a  few 
BANDSMEN  that  can  Play 
a  Brass  and  String  Instru- 
ment. Also,  a  few  FID- 
DLERS, that  can  Play 
jj~3  Jigs,  Reels,  and  Horn- 
pipes.— Apply,  &c. 

In  our  joy  to  find 
that  Jack  is  to  be  fur- 
nished aboard  ship 
with  some  more  music 
to  enliven  him,  we 
have  little  wish  to 
quarrel  with  the  word- 
ing [of  this  notice :  or 
we  certainly  might  say  that  "  a  brass  and  string  instrument "  is  a  thing  we  never 
heard  of,  and  the  nearest  approach  to  it  that  we  can  call  to  mind  is  a  wretched 
old  tin  fiddle  with  its  strings  all  out  of  tune,  which  was  played  by  a  blind  beggar 
who  used  to  haunt  our  neighbourhood,  and  weekly  did  his  utmost  to  drive  us 
into  Bedlam.  But  jigs,  reels,  and  hornpipes,  played  on  any  sort  of  instrument, 
from  a  trombone  to  a  Jew's  harp,  are  certain  to  have  life  in  them,  and  to  impart 
that  liveliness  to  any  pair  of  legs  attached  to  any  body  that  hath  the  ears  to 
listen.  So  as  men  always  work  the  better  when  cheerful  in  their  minds,  we  rejoice 
to  see  this  increase  to  the  music  of  the  Navy,  and  we  are  not  disposed  to  fear 
that  any  fiddler  in  the  fleet  will  have  to  give  up  Rale  Britannia,  and,  at  an  enemy's 
command,  take  to  playing  Yankee  Doodle. 


A  MYSTEEY  BEYOND  PRIESTCRAFT. 

_  In  a  "pastoral"  relative  to  the  Feast  of  the  Immaculate  Conception  just  pub- 
lished, Dr.  Cullen,  the  great  Irish  theologian  aud  astronomer,  takes  occasion  to 
denounce  the  Freemasons.     lie  avers  that  :— 


in   the  shape   of  men,   who 
.vho  delip.hted  in  ruin  md 


"  Robespierre,  Danton,  Marat,  Carrier,  and  other  monsters 
inundated  Prance  with  the  Wood  of  hundreds  of  thousands  .  . 
devastation,  were  all  adepts  of  masonic  lodges." 

i  Suppose  they  were,  which  is  doubtful  because  Dr.  Cullen  asserts  it,  what  then? 
The  Brotherhood  of  Freemasons  is  a  fraternity  of  demons,  of  course,  according  to 
the  logic  of  Cullen  ;  and  if  every  institution  is  to  be  judged  of  by  members  who 
disgrace  it,  what  does  Dr.  Cullen,  by  parity  of  reasoning,  make  out  of  the 
community  which  calls  him  Archbishop  of  Dublin  ? 

Dr.  Cullen's  ideas  of  Freemasonry  seem  to  be  rather  hazy.  He  proceeds  to 
say:— 

"The  great  leaders  of  the  revolutionary  movements — Mazzini,  Ko=suth,  and  Garibaldi — 
are  looked  up  to  as  the  chiefs  and  leaders  of  secret  societies  or  masonic  lodges.  Who  can  describe 
the  evils  they  have  inflicted  or  are  actually  inflicting  on  the  world  V  See  how  they  assail  the  holy 
Catholic  Church." 

But  we  do  not  see  how  they  assail  the  holy  Catholic  Church,  or  the  Roman 
Catholic  Church,  which  is  what  Dr.  Cullen  means,  but  is  another  thing.  They 
seem  to  us  to  be  for  letting  the  Roman  Catholic  Church  alone,  to  manage  its 
affairs  in  its  own  way,  only  without  the  assistance  of  the  secular  arm  and  the  aid 
of  bayonets.  They — that  is,  both  the  three  liberal  leaders  whom  Dr.  Cullen 
names,  and  also  the  "  secret  societies  or  masonic  lodges,"  which  he  speaks  of  as 
identical.  Does  he  really  not  know  that  though  a  masonic  lodge  is  a  secret 
society^  a  secret  society  is  not  necessarily  a  masonic  lodge,  or  does  he  only  pretend 
to  confound  the  one  with  the  other,  and  to  represent  Freemasons  as  inflicting 
evils,  when  he  well  knows  that  they  have  conferred  great  benefits  on  the  world, 
and  whom,  even  in  Ireland,  can  he  expect  to  mystify  by  all  that  fatuous  bosh? 

From  the  Irish  intelligence,  whence  the  foregoing  extracts  from  Dr.  Cullen's 
nonsense  about  Freemasonry  are  derived,  it  appears  that  :— 

"  Many  Irish  Roman  Catholics,  despite  the  denunciations  of  Dr.  Cullen  and  his  priests,  still 
remain  Freemasons.  They  will  not  permit  the  inquisitive  glance  of  the  priesthood,  however, 
to  penetrate  its  secrets  (not  even  in  the  confessional),  and  hence  the  hatred  they  exhibit  towards 
the  society." 

The  Jesuits  are  not  so  clever  as  they  axe  generally  supposed.  They,  at  least, 
ought  to  be  in  possession  of  the  masonic  secret,  if  that  is  to  be  discovered  through 
initiation  into  the  masonic  mysteries,  and  an  affidavit  of  secrecy  made  with  a  mental 


reservation.  Or  perhaps  the  arcana  of  masonry  include 
a  clairvoyance  which  enables  a  lodge  of  Freemasons  to 
see  through  any  candidate  for  admission  to  their  order, 
and  discern  a  disciple  of  Ignatius  Loyola  from  a  respect- 
able man. 


A  YOIGE  PROM  WASHINGTON. 
From  our  Special  Correspondent. 

We  Yankees  ain't  given  to  brag, 

John  Bull,  we  expect,  has  no  notion 
Of  going  to  war ;  but  his  flag 

If  he  does,  we  shall  sweep  from  the  ocean. 
And  when  the  old  vagabond  lies 

In  a  state  of  teetotal  prostration, 
Old  Ireland  in  glory  will  rise. 

Independence  to  win  as  a  nation. 

Our  breadstuffs  from  Eugland  kept  back, 

The  sequel  must  be  destitution. 
Her  famishing  millions,  in  lack 

Of  food,  will  force  on  revolution. 
Tictoria  will  have  to  retire ; 

Aristocracy,  friends  of  Secession, 
Will  be  huided  down,  and  trod  in  the  mire, 

iNo  more  for  to  practise  oppression. 

Rebellion  we  '11  bring  to  an  end, 

The  slaves  'mongst  our  heroes  dividing, 
Or  arms  to  the  niggers  we  '11  lend, 

To  give  their  darned  masters  a  hiding. 
Work  up  all  our  cotton  at  home, 

Let  not  one  more  bale  be  exported, 
Have  the  world  at  our  feet,  like  old  Rome, 

By  the  kings  of  the  airth  as  was  courted. 

Want  money  ?    I  reckon  not  we  ; 

A  national  debt  we  '11  create, 
Twice  as  heavy  as  youm,  which  will  be, 

For  Samsons  like  we  air.  no  weight. 
On  Government  bonds  we  shall  borrow 

Any  money  in  Europe  with  ease. 
Why  London  and  Paris,  to-morrow 

Will  lend  us  as  much  as  we  please. 

Foreign  goods  we  shall  purchase  with  paper, 

Which  let  foreign  usurers  hold  ; 
The  British  may  swagger  aud  vapour, 

At  home  whilst  we  keep  all  our  gold. 
As  Belmont  to  Seward  has  written, 

Any  stock  may  in  Europe  be  "  placed," 
And  the  chance,  if  the  Rothschilds  ain't  bitten, 

Will  be  by  the  Barings  embraced. 

We  've  twice  afore  whipped  all  creation, 

We  've  now  got  to  whip  it  again. 
We  air  a  remarkable  nation 

Of  modest,  but  resolute  men. 
John  Boll,  then,  allow  us  to  kick  you, 

And  don't  go  resenting  the  act, 
Or  into  a  cocked  hat  we  '11  lick  you, 

Yes,  Sir-ree,  you  old  boss,  that 's  a  fact. 


A  Joke  Never  Gomes   Too  Late. 

We  wonder  that  it  had  never  occurred  to  us  before — we, 
who  generally  think  of  everything,  and  always  at  the  very 
right  moment— that  the  Cabiuet  Council,  which  was  con- 
vened after  the  arrival  of  the  news  of  the  Yankee  outrage 
on  the  British  flag,  might  appropriately  be  called  "The 
Council  of  Trent." 


PUNCH  S   MONEY   ARTICLE. 


Unless  the  armaments  of  France  are  considerably  re- 
duced, we  would  not  advise  our  readers  to  subscribe  to  the 
loan  about  to  be  proposed  by  the  new  French  Minister  of 
Finance.  It  will  be  the  old  story  over  again  of  "  The 
Fould  and  his  money  soon  parted." 


'Naval  Promotion. — The  gallant  Commander  of  _  the 
Trent  Mail  Packet  to  be  Post  Captain. 


December  14,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


PEDALIAE"  v.  MENTAL  SUPERIORITY. 

In  those  good  old  slow-coach  times,  when  if  you  were  sent  to  Bath, 
it  took  you  three  days  to  reach  it,  a  Man's  ambition  was  to  be  looked 
up  to,  his  social  advancement  depending  not  on  his  feet,  but  his  head. 
Poets,  Philosophers,  Prestigiators,  glancing  skywards,  climbed  the 
unctuous  pole  of  Pame.  A  queer  revolution  seems  at  length,  however, 
to  have  taken  place  of  heels  over  head,  instead  of  head  over  heels. 
Celebrity  is  now  attained  per  saltum.  and  the  eyes  of  Europe  are  fixed 
hi  wondering  admiration,  not  on  a  lofty  brow,  but  a  Deer-foot.  _  This 
change  in  public  feeling  must  be  met  by  corresponding  changes  in  our 
public  Institutions.  Oxford  and  Cambridge  will  soon  be  called  upon 
to  widen  their  curriculum,  and  to  recognise  excellence  in  pedestrianism 
as  a  matter  of  course.  The  Cantab  then  who  can't  clear  his  ten  miles 
within  an  hour,  may  reckon  himself  plucked  at  Lis  little  go.  Penman- 
ship will  naturally  be  confined  to  a  running  hand,  and  if  popular 
education  is  not  to  be  neglected,  our  posters  must  assume  a  bolder  type, 
that  he  who  runs  may  read.  Bills  in  the  Commons  we  fondly  hope 
will  pass  through  their  different  stages  at  a  tremendous  pace,  and  every 
long-minded  Member  will  be  called  upon  by  his  breathless  constituents 
to  furnish  a  running  account  weekly  of  his  political  progress. 

In  private  life  we  may  anticipate  seeing  things  placed  on  a  novel 
footing.  Fortunes  probably  lost  by  a  single  step  in  the  wrong  direc- 
tion !  but  pleasures  being  of  a  cursory  nature,  if  a  bull  surprises  a 
pic-nic  party,  just  fancy  what  a  run  there  will  be  on  the  banks.  Every 
exhausted  testator  may  complacently  look  forward  to  the  time  when  his 
will  shall  be  law,  feeling  how  comfortable  then  will  be  his  leg  at  ease. 
Whether  our  warranted  Manchester  prints  will  be  affected  by  the 
current  movement,  and  betray  a  fugitive  disposition  in  their  pigments, 
we  cannot  pause  to  speculate ;  but  of  this  we  axe  assured,  that  the 
colours  of  old  England  will  stand  fast  in  every  clime,  and  prove  worthy 
of  the  heroes  who  clasping  them  have  died. 


T AMERICAN  SPIRIT  MERCHANTS. 

The  work  advertised  as  below  would,  we  should  think,  if  anybody 
were  wise  enough  to  take  it  in,  return  the  obligation : — 

/'THE    HEEALD    OF    PROGEESS. 

"  ANDREW    JACKSON   DAVIS,    EDITOR. 

"  A  Cosmopolitan  Journal  of  Reform,  devoted  to  the  discovery  of  Truth,  and  its 
application  to  Physical  and  Spiritual  Progress.     Specimens  sent  free. 
"Address,  A.  J.  Davis  <fe  Co.,  274,  Canal  Street,  New  York." 

Mr.  Andrew  Jackson  Davis  is  a  Medium  who  used  to  be  called 
the  Ploughkeepsie  Seer,  and  to  lecture  on  Cosmogony  and  Theology, 
whilst  asleep  in  mesmeric  trances.  He  has  now,  it  appears,  connected 
himself  with  a  "  Co. ;  "  and  we  suppose  that  A.  J.  Davis  and  Co.  are 
carrying  on  business  as  importers  of  revelations  and  spiritual  articles 
in  general  from  the  other  world.  Eor  importers  read  impostors,  is  a 
suggestion  which  may  occur  to  some  of  our  readers.  To  cocktail, 
mint-julep,  sherry- co bier,  timber-doodle,  and  such  like  American 
drinks,  there  is  no  reasonable  objection;  but  is  it  possible  that  the 
Yankees  can  swallow  such  stuff  as  that  which  is  sold  at  A.  J.  Davis 
and  Co.'s  Spirit  Store  ? 


A  HEAYY  EBEIGHT. 


Miss  Emily  Faithfull  is  organising  a  plan  for  the  "  Emigration  of 
Educated  Women."  Por  ourselves,  we  woidd  sooner  send  away  the 
uneducated  women,  and  keep  those  who  were  educated  in  the  country. 
We  have  not  one  too  many.  If,  however,  by  the  term  "  educated"  is 
meant  "  Strong-minded,"  we  will  give  our  most  cordial  assent  and 
hearty  co-operation,  to  a  scheme,  at  once  so  useful  and  beneficent,  and 
one  that  cannot  fad  to  be  for  the  benefit  of  all  parties,  as  well  as  a  great 
relief  to  England.  We  would  advise  the  Gnat  'Eastern  being  chartered 
immediately  for  this  purpose,  and  we  do  not  mind  giving  a  large  sub- 
scription in  aid  of  it,  providing  the  vessel  sails  at  a  very  early  period. 
However,  we  pity  the  poor  colonythat  receives  the  intellectual  cargo  ! 
The  only  chance  of  its  escaping  this  blue-stocking  visitation  is,  that  the 
Strong-minded  Women  may  quarrel  amongst  themselves  on  the  voyage 
out,  of  which  there  is  the  most  natural  probability ;  so  that  when  the 
heavdy-freighted  ship  touches  the  shore,  there  may  not  be  one  of  them 
alive,  and  nothing  but  their  false  back-hair,  or  magazine  tales,  left 
behind  them.  By  all  means,  let  so  interesting  an  experiment  be  carried 
out,  and  to  the  greatest  possible  number. 


AN  IMPROPER  EXPRESSION. 

The  Queen's  English  is  in  great  danger  of  being  permanently 
debased  by  a  vile  Avord  which  has  lately  been  introduced  mto  it— the 
word  "  Reliable."  This  base  word  was  first  coined  in  America,  and 
thence  imported  into  this  country.  It  is  about  the  worst  word,  not 
immoral,  in  the  English  language.  Yet  it  is  coming  into  very  general 
use  ;  you  can  hardly  open  a  newspaper  wherein  it  does  not  occur ;  and 
that  even  in  leading  articles  written  by  educated  men  who  ought  to 
know  better  than,  at  this  crisis  especially,  to  employ  such  an  illiterate 
Yankeeism. 

As  Rely  is  to  Deny,  so  is  Reliable  to  Deniable,  Is  it  not  ?  Deniable, 
that  may  be  denied.  Reliable,  that  may  be  relied.  But  to  say  that  a 
report  or  an  assertion  may  be  relied,  is  to  talk  nonsense.  Intelligence 
may  be  said  to  be  capable  of  being  relied  on.  But  Reliable  is  not  that 
may  be  relied  on,  any  more  than  Deniable  is  that  may  be  denied  on. 

All  manner  of  persons  are  hereby  commanded,  in  the  name  _ of  the 
Queen,  to  cease  from  debasing  Her  Majesty's  English  by  using  the 
spurious  American  solecism,  Reliable ;  and,  instead  thereof,  when  they 
want  an  adjective  to  signify  that  this  or  that  statement  may  be  depended 
on,  are  advised  to  use  the  genuine  English  compound,  Trustworthy. 


GOOD  NEWS  PROM  AUSTRIA. 

We  are  happy  to  read  that : — 

"  The  Emperor  of  Austria  has  contributed  the  sum  of  105  florins  to  the  funds 
of  the  National  Life-Boat  Institution." 

It  is  true  that  the  above  Institution  is  a  world-wide  charity.  All 
persons  in  distress  have  a  claim  on  its  generous  exertions.  The  life- 
boat, before  issidng  on  its  mission  of  mercy,  does  not  pause  to  inquire 
what  nation  the  sufferers  belong  to.  They  struggle  no  less  valiantly  to 
rescue  the  life  of  a  Russian,  or  an  Austrian,  as  that  of  an  Englishman. 
Still  we  are  most  grateful  to  both  the  Emperors  oe  Russia  and  Aus- 
tria for  expressing  their  high  sense  of  the  object,  no  less  than  the 
value,  of  this  glorious  institution,  by  subscribing  to  its  funds.  May 
France,  Sweden,  Italy,  and  other  countries,  that  send  out  ships  to 
brave  the  perils  of  the  seas,  soon  follow  then*  meritorious  example ! 
It  is  a  duty  they  owe  to  the  principles  of  universal  charity.  As  for 
Francis- Joseph,  we  are  so  pleased  with  his  recognition  of  the  Insti- 
tution's services,  that,  should  the  wreck  of  the  Austrian  Empire  ever 
take  place,  we  cannot  do  better  than  wish  that  one  of  these  very  life- 
boats may  be  happily  close  at  hand  to  save  him,  and  carry  him  to  some 
haven  of  refuge  half  as  secure  and  comfortable  as  England  ! 


Advice  on  the  New  Coinage  to  Cadgers. 

When  you  beg  do  not  say,  as  you  still  continue  doing,  "  Gentleman ! 
— aryer  got  ar  a  copper."    Leave  off  saying  "copper," 
no  coppers  now.    You  should  ask  for  a  "  bronze." 


There  are 


MRS.  DURDEN  ON  THE  AMERICAN  DIFFICULTY. 
"  Them  there  nasty    good-for-nothing  Yankees ! "    cried    old    Mrs- 

DURDEN, 

"Worrits  me  to  that  degree,  it  makes  my  life  almost  a  burden. 

Boaid  our  mad  and  seize  our  passengers,  the  ribbles !      Goodness 

gracious  ! 
Like  their  imperence  to  be  sure  ;  'tis  that  what  makes  'em  so  owdaeious- 

"  What  next  now  I  wonder,   Captain?"    Answer  Captain  Skipper 

made, 
"Well  Ma'am,  our  next  move,  I  fancy,  will  be  breaking  their  blockade." 
"Blockhead!  Ah !  '\  exclaimed    the  lady.      "Truer  word  was  never 

spoken. 
Drat  the  blockheads  all,  says  I;  may  every  head  on 'em  be  broken!" 


MILITARY  INTELLIGENCE. 


The  Woolwich  Academy  is  about  to  change  its  name  to  the  Mili- 
tary Do-the-Boys'  Hall,  since  that  title  has  been  found  infinitely 
more  in  consonance  with  the  Spartan  fare  and  Draconian  discipline  that 
are  rigorously  crammed  down  there.  The  Government  is,  we  are 
also  informed,  in  treaty  with  a  well-known  Russian  General,  who  has 
governed  in  Siberia,  and  had  some  little  experience  in  Poland,  to  under- 
take the  responsible  duties  of  the  military  Wacleford  Squeers.  By 
those,  who  best  know  him,  he  is  described  as  a  regular  "knout-and- 
knouter."  Part  of  the  new  regimen  to  be  introduced  will  be  Brimstone 
and  Treacle  twice  a  week.  The  Cadets  wdl  not  be  expected  to  bring 
their  own  towels,  as  for  the  future  there  is  to  be  an  inexhaustible 
supply  of  towelling  on  the  premises,  to  be  dealt  out  in  the  most 
liberal  manner,  as  occasion  requires. 


_  An  Escape  erom  the  Fix.— The  obvious  way  out  of  the  American 
difficulty  is  to  set  Mr.  Slidell  with  his  companions  at  liberty  forthwith, 
and  to  make  Mr.  Mason  a  Free-Mason. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


FOR-RAD-FOR-RAD-AWAY  ! 

Mr.  Wuzzel  (icho  the  last  time  he,  weighed  was  Nineteen  Stone,  a  Sack  of  Guano,  and  a  Barrowful  of  Bricks).  "  For-rad — Away  ! 
That's  all  vert  well — but  not  with  the  Country  (?)  as  heavy  as  this  !  " 


Oh,  yes  ! 


WAITING  POR  AN  ANSWER. 

Britannia  waits  an  answer.    Sad  and  stem, 
Her  weapons  ready,  but  unsheathed  they  lie  : 

In  her  deep  eye,  suppressed,  the  lightnings  burn, 
Still  the  war-signal  waits  her  word  to  fly. 

Wrong  has  been  done  that  flag  whose  stainless  folds 
Have  carried  freedom  wheresoe'er  they  flew : 

She  knows  sharp  words  lit  slaves  and  shrewish  scolds, 
She  but  bids  those  who  can,  that  wrong  undo ! 

She  has  been  patient :  will  be  patient  still. 

"Who  more  than  she  knows  war,  its  curse  and  woe  ? 
Harsh  words,  scant  courtesy,  loud-mouthed  ill-will 

She  meets,  as  rocks  meet  ocean's  fretful  flow. 

All  war  she  knows  drags  horrors  in  its  train, 

Whate'er  the  foes,  the  cause  for  which  they  stand ; 

But  worst  of  all  the  war,  that  leaves  the  stain 
Of  brother's  blood  upon  a  brother's  hand. 

The  war  that  brings  two  mighty  powers  hi  shock, 
Powers,  'tween  whom  fair  commerce  shared  her  crown : 

By  kinship  knit,  and  interest's  golden  lock, 
One  blood,  one  speech,  one  past,  of  old  renown. 

All  this  she  feels,  and  therefore,  sad  of  cheer, 
She  waits  an  answer  from  across  the  sea : 

Yet  hath  her  sadness  no  alloy  of  fear, 
No  thought  to  count  the  cost,  what  it  may  be. 


Dishonour  hath  no  equipoise  in  gold, 

No  equipoise  in  blood,  in  loss,  in  pain : 
Till  they  whom  force  has  ta'en  from  'neath  the  fold 

Of  her  proud  flag,  stand  'neath  its  fold,  again. 

She  waits  in  arms  ;  and  in  her  cause  is  safe  ; 

Not  fearing  war,  yet  hoping  peace  the  end, 
Nor  heeding  those  her  mood  who  'd  check  or  chafe  ; 

The  Right  she  seeks  :  The  Right  God  will  defend  ! 


MEMORANDUM  FOR  MANAGERS. 

"  Mr.  Punch,  You  would  do  the  playgoing  public  some  service  if 
you  would  request  the  managers  of  theatres  to  supply  playbills,  which, 
not  those  who  run,  but  those  who  sit,  can  read.  I  am  not  a  very  old 
fogy,  and  I  can  read  your  print  easily  enough  without  spectacles,  but 
to  read  a  playbill  bought  in  a  theatre,  with  any  comfort,  I  want  a  bull's- 
eye  held  close  to  it,  and  the  light  turned  on.  The  type  is  not  only 
wretchedly  small,  but  also  miserably  pale,  and  must  to  many  in  the 
audience  be  quite  invisible.  This  is  a  great  discouragement  to  that 
class  of  playgoers  which  includes  your  humble  servant,  and  others  who 
have  charge  of  children  that  they  might  occasionally  take  to  the 
play. 

'  The  present  form  of  playbill  is  the  extreme  which  has  been  run  into 
from  its  opposite,  which  the  boxkeepers  used  to  sell  at  one  shilling, 
calling  it  bill  of  the  'ouse,  or  'ousebill.  That  was  a  nasty  flimsy 
double  sheet  of  something  hke  tissue-paper,  printed  in  great  black 
letters,  with  ink  that  came  off  in  the  hands  of  the  holder,  and  dis- 
coloured white  kid  gloves.  In  that  particular,  however,  its  disadvantage 
did  not  signify  much  to  me,  as  I  always  wore,  and  still  wear,  black 
cloth ;  and,  in  my  opinion,  that  old  bill  which  anyhow  was  legible,  is 
preferable  to  the  new  one,  which  has  only  the  negative  merit  of  not  being 
dirty,  and  is  no  manner  of  use  to  «  Paterfamilias  " 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— December  14,  1861. 


WAITING   FOR   AN   ANSWER, 


December  14,  1861.] 


r 


UNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


241 


OUR    DRAMATIC    CORRESPONDENT. 

ear  Punch, 

"  I  have  been  to  see  Othello 
in  the  house  that  Hamlet  built. 
This  may  at  first  hearing  sound 
a  little  odd,  but  of  course  in 
your  omniscience  you  are  aware 
there  were  two  Hamlets  :  the 
one  a  prince  who  lived  in  Den- 
mark, and  the  other  an  English 
jeweller  in  Coventry  Street, 
London,  who  sank  his  fortune 
in  the  raising  of  the  Princess's 
Theatre. 

"Even  if  I'd  had  no  willingness 
to  go,  I  should  have  been  so- 
cially compelled  to  pay  the  visit. 
At  almost  every  party  I  've  at- 
tended for  these  six  weeks, 
people  have  been  asking  of  me 
'  Have  you  seen  Pechter  ? '  or 
else  they  have  been  taking  it  for 
granted  that  I  have,  and  so  in- 
quiring whether  I  like  liim  in 
Othello,  and  if  I  consider  it 
equal  to  his  Hamlet.  I  can  say 
5  yes '  now  to  the  two  first  of 
these  questions,  but  to  the  third 
I  certainly  must  utter  a  flat 
negative.  Hamlet,  as  a  dreamy  meditative  character,  M.  Fechter  to 
my  mind  most  admirably  rendered.  But  the  delicate  bye-play  which 
he  there  used  with  such  effect  is  of  very  little  service  in  a  part  such  as 
Othello.  The  brave  and  fiery  Moor,  a  soldier  not  a  scholar,  is  not  the 
man  to  mark  his  varying  emotions  by  the  shrugging!  of  a  shoulder,  or 
the  curling  of  a  lip.  Moreover,  he  is  not  a  man  of  intellect  but  action ; 
and  the  subtleties  employed  by  M.  Fechter  in  the  part  are  scarcely 
natural  to  the  nature  which  he  would  represent. 

"  I  think  too  that  his  Prench  peculiarities  of  utterance  fell  still 
more  harshly  on  my  English  ears  when  I  heard  him  t'other  night  than 
when  Iheard  him  in  the  summer.  The  dialogue  in  Hamlet  is  frequently 
colloquial,  and  here  the  foreign  accent  is  more  readily  disguised  than 
in  the  impassioned  language  of  Othello,  who,  throughout  the  play  almost 
is  speaking  under  the  influence  of  either  rage  or  grief.  The  undulating 
cadence  which  M.  Fechter  uses  grows  somewhat  wearying  to  unac- 
customed ears:  and  his  habit  of  prolonging  the  sound  of  certain 
vowels  has  all  the  bad  effect  of  an  affected  kind  of  drawling,  and  often 
quite  destroys  the  proper  rhythm  of  a  line.  If  M.  Pechter  would 
remember  that  our  English  '  a '  and  '  o '  are  rightly  diphthongs  to  the 
Prench,  and  that  no  one  but  a  swell  now  dreams  of  drawling  out  his 
words,  I  think  he  might  do  much  to  improve  his  faulty  speech,  and 
thereby  immensely  add  to  the  attractions  his  performances  undoubtedly 
possess.  As  it  is,  all  SnAKSPEARE-lovers  must  feel  pained  to  hear  his 
poetry  robbed  of  half  its  beauties  by  mis-pronunciation,  which  not  the 
finest  acting  can  make  them  shut  their  ears  to,  or  be  willing  to  condone. 
Mr.  Phelps,  though  apt  at  times  to  be  heavy  and  monotonous,  yet 
speaks  poetry  with  feeling,  and  always  gives  a  proper  accent  to  his 
words ;  and  when,  in  Othello,  he  bids  a  sad  farewell  to  his  soldier's  occu- 
pation, one's  soul  is  stirred  by  listening  to  the  fine  melodious  lines. 
But  as  M.  Pechter  speaks  them  they  quite  fail  of  then  effect,  and  one 
is  rather  glad  than  sorry  when  the  speech  is  done. 

"  In  other  points  than_  those  of  mere  articulation,  I  consider  Mr. 
Phelps's  the  best  rendering  of  the  character,  whatever  be  the  praise 
(and  it  is  great)  I  give  the  other.  His  Othello  is  more  dignified  and 
stately  in  his  bearing,  more  manly  in  his  pathos,  more  fearful  in  his 
wrath.  M.  Pechter'sIs  too  sentimental  for  a  soldier,  too  pettish  in 
his  gestures  when  his  jealousy  is  wakened,  and  too  placid,  cool,  and 
logical  tor  the.  fiery-blooded  Moor.  He  first  Hstens  to  lago  more  with 
curious  wonder  than  with  angry  indignation ;  and  when  reason,  as  he 
thinks,  has  been  shown  him  for  suspicion,  he  fails  to  give  due  force  to 
his  torture  at  the  blow.  His  delivery  of  the  words  '  not  a  jot— not  a 
jot,'  expressive  as  it  is,  did  not  seem  to  me  so  touching  as  that  of  Mr. 
Phelps  ;  who  sobs  them  forth  with  painful  difficulty,  while  he  struggles 
hard  to  hide  the  agony  he  feels.  Then  in  the  scenes  that  follow,  M. 
Pechter  vents  his  passion  moie  in  gesture  than  in  voice,  and  though 
his  gestures,  I  admit,  are  graceful  and  expressive,  still  such  constant 
play  of  hands,  however  well  directed,  becomes  a  little  tiresome— at 
least  to  English  eyes. 

"  But  it  is  in  the  fifth  act  that  I  am  most  disposed  to  quarrel  with 
his  reading.  True,  he  has  had  the  good  sense  to  listen  to  advice,  and 
no  longer  drags  his  wife  across  the  stage  before  he  smothers  her.  Still 
the  smothering  is  too  much  coram  populo  to  please  me,  and  seems  vastly 
more  a  '  murder '  than  it  is  a  '  sacrifice.'  I  prefer  the  old  adherence  to 
the  'Ne  Medea'  principle,  of  doing  the  dark  deed  behind  curtain  at  the 
back.    The  murder  in  Macbeth  is  all  the  more  effective  because  it  is 


not  seen,  and  I  think  the  classic  rule  applies  as  fitly  to  Othello.  I  must 
protest  too  against  such  an  alteration  of  the  text  as  taking  out  of  Des- 
demonds  mouth  the  lovely  '  Willow '  song,  and  making  a  street  ballad  of 
it,  chorussed,  one  may  fancy,  by  a  company  of  Waits.  This  prelude 
sadly  mars  the  silent  terror  of  the  scene,  and  gives  an  air  of  melodrame 
to  a  most  deeply  tragic  act.  M.  Pechter  is  a  clever  man,  but  he  is 
not  a  Shakspeare  ;  and  even  if  he  were,  he  would  have  no  right  so  to 
alter  what  another  Shakspeare  wrote.  Nor  is  he  justified,  I  think,  in 
his  misreading  of  the  text  in  the  first  sentence  of  this  scene,  and 
addressing  to  a  looking-glass  that  he  finds  lying  on  the  bed  the  words 
which  are  intended  to  satisfy  his  soul  that  the  act  he  has  resolved  upon 
is  needful,  right,  and  just.  The  words,  as  I  should  _  construe  them, 
mean  that  his  wife's  adultery  is  a  sufficient  cause  for  him  to  take  away 
her  life.  M.  Pechter  misinterprets  them  as  meaning  that  his  face  is 
'  the  cause '  of  her  disliking  him,  and  consequent  false  faith.  I  think  if 
Shakspeare  had  intended  this  idea  to  be  conveyed,  he  would  not  have 
made  Othello  apostrophise  his  '  soul '  about  the  colour  of  his  cheeks, 
nor  have  appended  to  the  stars  the  epithet  of  '  chaste.'  What,  pray, 
ha-s  their  chastity  to  do  with  his  complexion  ?  and  why  need  they  be 
shocked  to  hear  his  face  is  black  ?  I  am  bound  to  add,  however,  that 
minds,  doubtless  wise  as  mine,  think  otherwise  than  I  do  in  this  matter 
of  the  mirror  ;  and  one  writer  calls  a  '  marvel  of  critical  sagacity'  what 
I  incline  to  view  as  a  most  puerile  conceit. 

"  It  may  be  thought  from  what  I've  said,  that  I  find  less  to  praise 
than  blame  in  M.  Pechter's  new  Othello,  but  this  is  by  no  means  what 
I  would  wish  to  be  inferred.  His  merits  are  so  much  more  clearly 
patent  than  his  faults,  that  there  is  scarcely  any  need  in  me  to  point 
them  out  •  and  as  M.  Pechter  in  his  good  sense  and  intelligence  is  so 
apt  at  self-correction,  I  am  the  more  inclined  by  my  great  reverence  for 
his  talent  to  hint  at  his  defects.  Surely  nobody  can  fail  to  notice  the 
fine  touches  that  embellish  every  sceue,  and  so  much  enhance  the 
naturalness  of  everything  he  does.  It  is  in  the  tender  passages  that 
his  chief  triumphs  are  achieved,  aud  by  what  delicate  detail  he  brings 
forward  into  prominence  Othello's  loving  nature,  I  can  only  briefly 
summarise,  but  shall  not  soon  forget.  Especially  shall  I  remember  the 
downcast  look  of  shame  with  which  he  turns  away  his  face  when  he 
bids  lago  '  set  his  wife  on  to  observe ; '  and  his  glad  start  of  love  when 
Besdemona  shows  her  handkerchief,  subsiding  sadly  into  coldness  when 
he  sees  that  it  is  not  the  one  of  which  he  is  in  quest.  Nor  can  I  failto 
recollect  the  second  scene  in  the  fourth  act,  where,  as  he  sits  with 
Besdemona  at  his  feet,  her  face  between  his  hands,  he  endeavours  for  a 
while  to  stifle  his  fell  jealousy,  aud  speaks  with  touching  mournfulness 
and  tenderness  of  love. 

"  Nor  is  it  merely  as  an  actor  that  he  commands  my  praise.  The 
play,  as  now  produced,  is  instinct  with  his  intelligence,  and  (with  the 
exceptions  I  have  noticed)  there  is  evidence  of  careful  thought  and 
taste  in  every  scene.  The  senators  no  longer  sit  in  solemn  semi-circle 
of  immovable  red  baize,  with  their  eyes  all  fixed  on  vacancy  as  though 
they  were  all  waiting  to  have  their  beards  shaved  off;  nor  do  lago  and 
the  others  follow  the  old  rule  of  always  standing  at  the  footlights  to 
deliver  then  set  speeches,  and  never  opening  their  lips  until  the  atti- 
tudes prescribed  by  old  traditions  have  been  struck.  By  having  exits 
at  the  back,  and  chairs  to  sit  upon,  and  posts  to  lean  against  when 
talking,  the  scenes  are  nicely  varied,  and  the  action  made  more  natural 
and  less  heavily  monotonous  than  in  our  tragedies,  I  fear,  too  often  is 
the  case.  Without  making  the  appointments  the  chief  magnet  to 
attract,  M.  Pechter  pays  due  care  to  the  minutest  detail,  and  with 
his  manager's  assistance  has  '  revived '  a  play  of  Shakspeare  in  a 
very  lifelike  way.  I  think  he  feels  the  public  have  no  right  to  be 
satisfied  with  scenery  alone,  nor  with  the  exhibition  of  one  good  actor 
only,  supported  by  mere  sticks.  He  has  therefore  done  his  best,  as  I 
believe,  to  drill  the  forces  entrusted  to  his  hands ;  and  although  there 
still  is  room  for  much  improvement,  on  the  whole  there  is  no  doubt  he 
has  achieved  a  marked  success.  By  turning  his  thoughts  thus  to  other 
parts  besides  his  own  (how  Mr.  B,yder  has  been  tamed  by  him  'tis  won- 
derful to  see  !)  he  has  aimed  a  deadly  blow  at  the  odious  '  Star '  system ; 
for  '  stars  '  too  often  fear  to  see  a  spark  of  intellect  in  others,  lest  it 
may  eclipse  a  single  gleam  of  their  own  light.  M.  Pechter  shows, 
however,  that  the  small  parts  may  be  strengthened  and  the  stage 
business  well  cared  for,  without  diminishing  the  interest  in  the  central 
figure;  and  while  I  am  sanguine  in  my  hopes  that  he'll  do  more,  in  the 
drama's  name  I  thank  him  for  the  good  work  he  has  done. 

"  One  who  Pays." 


A  Papal  Bull. 


An  Irish  paper,  rabidly  addicted  to  Papacy,  as  many  Irish  papers 
are,  states  that  "  Captain  Vesey's  battery  will  leave  Bristol  by  special 
train  yesterday  morning  for  Woolwich."  It  may  be  presumed  that  this 
is  intended  as  a  hint  to  the  pantomimists,  who  are  busy  arranging  their 
materials  for  the  forthcoming  merry  season.  Such  a  sentence  as  the 
above  would  certainly  make  an  agreeable  change  for  the  Clown's  worn- 
out  interrogatory,  "  How  are  you  to-morrow  ?  " 


America's  Real  Difficulty.— -To  do  as  she  would  be  done  by. 


242 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[December  14,  1861. 


ENCOURAGEMENT. 
Adjutant.  "Fall  in;  and  let  hie  see  a  little  of  that  'Superior  Intelligence'  ice  hear  so  much  about." 


MODEL  OF  THE  DISUNITED  STATES. 

Among  the  objects  of  interest  which  America,  whether  we  are  to  have 
peace  or  war  with  the  Yankees,  is  to  contribute  to  the  Exhibition  of 
1S62,  will  he  a  Model  of  the  Model  Republic.  It  has  been  made  to 
take  to  pieces,  so  as  to  exhibit  not  only  the  joinings  of  the  several 
States,  and  the  separation  between  the  North  and  the  South,  but  also 
the  split  which  may  at  any  time  divide  the  West  also  from  the 
Federation. 

The  Model  of  the  Model  Republic  will  be  marked  with  black  over 
the  parts  of  it  corresponding-  to  those  territories  in  which  the  Domestic 
Institution  is  maintained.  The  Irish  element  will  be  indicated  by  spots 
of  mingled  green  and  blood-red,  and  the  German  by  patches  of  dirty 
whity-brown.  In  the  Model  will  be  comprised  plans  of  the  Senate  and 
Congress,  with  a  fight  going  on  on  the  floor  of  both.  The  action 
of  a  Caucus  and  the  working  of  the  Ballot  will  be  displayed,  together 
with  a  specimen  of  a  bogus  Legislature.  Fac-similes  of  Hard  Shells, 
Soft  Shells,  Hunkers,  Barn  Burners,  and  other  statesmen  of  the 
principal  political  denominations  will  also  be  included. 

The  Battle  of  Bull's  Run  will  be  faithfully  rendered,  even  to  the 
cocked  hat,  into  which  the  fugitives  from  that  memorable  engagement 
said  they  were  licked. 

Among  the  many  interesting  features  of  the  model  will  be  accurate 
representations  of  Spiritual  Circles,  Tables  for  Spirit  Rapping,  and 
Spirits  under  the  Tables,  painting  pictures  of  flowers  and  other  objects 
in  a  few  seconds ;  cigars  and  spittoons  being  provided  for  the  use  of 
the  Medium,  the  Spectators,  and  the  Spirits. 

The  American  Bar  will  also  be  shown,  together  with  Mr.  Edwin 
James,  as  he  appeared  when  lie  was  called  to  it :  and  all  manner  of 
genuine  American  drinks  will  be  at  hand,  that  any  of  those  who  are 
viewing  the  Model  of  the  Model  Republic  with  a  suitable  disposition, 
may  liquor. 

The  Two  Great  Wonders  op  1861.— Disraeli"  holding  forth  on 
the  Church  !  and  Bright  on  Education  !  ! 


THEY  MANAGE  THESE  THINGS  BETTER  IN  FRANCE. 

What  's  this  ? 

In  the  Moniteur  we  read  that  the  Chinese  Indemnity  for  the  French, 
victims  of  Chinese  brutality,  or  their  families,  having  been  converted 
into  French  money,  and  expenses  deducted,  the  _  remainder  has  been 
distributed  in  certain  proportions  duly  set  out  in  the  Report  of  the 
Ministers  of  War  and  Foreign  Affairs. 

Was  it  a  little  bird  that  sung  in  Mr.  Punch's  ear  that  the  Indemnity 
for  the  English  victims  of  Chinese  cruelty  had  long  ago  been  paid  into 
the  Treasury — but  that  no  farthing  of  that  money  had  yet  reached  a 
victim,  or  the  family  of  a  victim? 

I  am  afraid  the  little  bird  sung  to  that  tune,  and  that  he  repeats  his 
song ;  and  moreover,  that  he  adds  to  it  a  burden  to  this  tune : — 

"  The  Indemnity  is  with  the  Delhi  prize  money ; 

The  bees  of  our  hives  when  they  've  made,  taste  the  honey : 
But  not  so  the  bees  of  our  Army  and  Navy — 

Their  share  is  the  bones,  moins  the  meat  and  the  gravy." 

Oh,  why  isn't  Mr.  Punch's  little  bud  in  the  House  of  Commons  ?  If 
he  had  only  £6,000  to  spare,  wouldn't  he  perch  in  Fins  bury,  and  ask 
the  sweet  voices  of  that  pure  constituency  to  utter  themselves  through 
his  little  bill. 

Unfortunately  the  Finsbury  Electors  would  rather  present  their  little 
bill  to  their  candidate,  than  see  him  offer  his  to  them.  So  Mr.  Punch's 
little  bird  will  have  to  whistle  for  a  seat— till  something  offers  at  a 
lower  figure  than  Finsbury. 


North  and  South. 


It  seems  the  Northerners  have  hopes,  by  blockade  of  the  ports,  to- 
starve  the  South  into  subjection.  But  Ave  think  it  will  be  long  ere  the 
Secessionists  are  forced  to  cry  out  "  Fceclus  /"  which  in  that  case  might 
be  translated  "  Feed  us  :  "  and  we  shall  _  about  as  soon  expect  to  see 
them  entering  the  workhouse  as  re-entering  the  Union. 


December  14,  186L] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


243 


JOHN    BRIGHT. 

Air— "John  Todd." 

You  'he  a  comical  man,  John  Bright,  John  Bright, 
You're  a  comical  man,  John  Bright ; 
"When  the  road  it  is  cleft, 
You  still  turn  to  the  left, 
When  your  countrymen  turn  to  the  right,  John  Bright— 
When  your  countrymen  turn  to  the  right. 

You  deprecate  war,  John  Bright,  John  Bright, 
You  deprecate  war,  John  Bright  ; 
But  who  doesn't  do  so  ? 
Prom  the  high  to  the  low, 
We  're  none  of  us  anxious  to  fight,  John  Bright — 
We  're  none  of  us  anxious  to  fight. 

You've  good  words  for  the  North,  John  Bright,  John  Bright, 
You  'ye  good  words  for  the  North,  John  Bright  ; 
When  the  law  they  o'er-ride, 
In  their  wrath  and  their  pride, 
You  find  that  it 's  reasonable  quite,  John  Bright— 
You  find  that  it 's  reasonable  quite. 

You  would  have  us  be  neutral,  John  Bright,  John  Bright, 
You  would  have  us  be  neutral,  John  Bright  ; 
Yet  abuse  us  as  slack 
To  pat  North  on  the  back — 
But  in  neutrals  would  that  be  polite,  John  Bright  ? — 
In  neutrals  would  that  be  polite  ? 

The  States  you  've  still  praised,  John  Bright,  John  Bright, 
The  States  you've  still  praised,  John  Bright; 
Their  suffrage  for  all, 
And  taxation  so  small, 
That  your  envy  it  seemed  to  excite,  John  Bright— 
Your  envy  it  seemed  to  excite. 

What 's  now  to  admire  there,  John  Bright,  John  Bright  ? 
What 's  now  to  admire  there,  John  Bright  ? 
Is 't  their  feathers  and  tar  ? 
Or  their  horror  of  war  ? 
Or  their  candle  at  both  ends  alight,  John  Bright  ? — 
Their  candle  at  both  ends  alight  ? 

Is 't  their  bull'tins  or  bullets,  John  Bright,  John  Bright  ? 
Is't  their  bull'tins  or  bullets,  John  Bright  ? 
Or  their  bunkum  and  brag, 
Or  the  starr'd  and  stripedflag, 
That  at  Bull's  Run  still  showed  iu  first  flight,  John  Bright? — 
That  at  Bull's  Run  still  showed  in  first  flight  ? 

Is 't  their  freedom  of  speech,  John  Bright,  John  Bright  ? 
Is 't  their  freedom  of  speech,  John  Bright, 
When  the  fact  is  quite  clear, 
If  you  talked  there,  as  here. 
You  would  ride  on  a  rail  shoulder-height,  John  Bright — 
You  would  ride  on  a  rail  shoulder-height  ? 

You  still  cry  "out  on  war,"  John  Bright,  John  Bright, 
You  still  cry  "  out  on  war,"  John  Bright  ; 
Well,  war  is  a  curse  ; 
But  there  's  one  thing  that 's  worse, 
That 's  dishonour,  of  which  you  make  light,  John  Bright — 
Dishonour,  of  which  you  make  light. 

Law  of  nations  you  sneer  at,  John  Bright,  John  Bright, 
Law  of  nations  you  sneer  at,  John  Bright  ; 
If  that  law  bad  you  call, 
Would  you  have  none  at  all, 
Or  the  two  Yankee  laws,  Mob  and  Might,  John  Bright  — 
The  two  Yankee  laws,  Mob  and  Might  ? 

But  we  don't  urge  on  war,  John  Bright,  John  Bright, 
We  don't  urge  on  war,  John  Bright  ; 
Law  by  force  has  been  floored, 
We  'd  but  see  law  restored ; 
Sure  that  prayer  shouldn't  kindle  your  spite,  John  Bright— 
Sure  that  prayer  shouldn't  kindle  your  spite. 

We  've  a  flag  we  are  proud  of,  John  Bright,  John  Bright, 
We  've  a  flag  we  are  proud  of,  John  Bright  ; 
All  beneath  it  are  free, 
On  the  land  or  the  sea, 
And  that  flag  never  stooped  to  a  slight,  John  Bright— 
That  flag  never  stooped  to  a  slight. 


Then  there 's  National  Honour,  John  Bright,  John  Bright, 
There 's  National  Honour,  John  Bright  ; 
Though  the  thing  cauuot  be 
Writ  in  plain  £  s.  d. — 
Your  favourite  measure  of  right,  John  Bright — 
Your  favourite,  measure  of  right. 

Still  that  Honour 's  a  fact,  John  Bright,  John  Bright, 
That  Honour 's  a  fact,  John  Bright, 
And  that  war  is  good  war, 
When  it  is  foughten  therefor, 
Says  your  heart,  in  your  speech's  despite,  John  Bright — 
Says  your  heart,  in  your  speech's  despite. 

You've  heard  of  that  Quaker,  John  Bright,  John  Bright, 
You  've  heard  of  that  Quaker,  John  Bright, 
Who  once  on  ship-board, 
A  Trench  enemy  floored, 
With  a  hit  from  the  shoulder  outright,  John  Bright — 
With  a  hit  from  the  shoulder  outright. 

Quoth  he,  "  I  love  peace  "  (like  John  Bright,  John  Bright), 
Quoth  he,  "  I  love  peace  "  (like  John  Bright), 
"  Still  thou'dst  better  remain, 
Or  I  '11  floor  thee  again  " — 
Sure  the  name  of  that  Quaker  was  Bright,  John  Bright — 
Yes,  quite  convinced  that  his  name  it  was  Bright. 

When  'gainst  fighting  you  thunder,  John  Bright,  John  Bright, 
When  'gainst  fighting  you  thunder,  John  Bright  ; 
One  feels  all  along, 
You  've  few  motives  so  strong, 
As  your  heart  and  your  soul  love  a  fight,  John  Bright— 
Your  heart  and  your  soul  love  a  fight. 

Turn  your  bellicose  nature,  John  Bright,  John  Bright, 
Turn  your  bellicose  nature,  John  Bright  : 
If  you  will  cut  and  thrust, 
If  pummel  you  must, 
Why  our  foes,  for  your  countrymen  slight,  John  Bright  ?— 
Why  our  foes  for  your  countrymen  slight  ? 

Keep  some  fight  for  the  Yankees,  John  Bright,  John  Bright, 
Keep  some  fight  for  the  Yankees,  John  Bright  ; 
To  their  wrong  if  they  stand, 
And  reject  our  demand, 
And  declare  Captain  Wilks  in  the  right,  John  Bright — 
If  they  vote  Captain  Wilks  in  the  right. 


A  RECEIPT  EOR  ENAMELLING  LADIES'  EACES. 

A  Erench  Comte,  of  well-known  gallantry  in  the  fashionable  circles 
of  both  capitals,  says  that,  after  all,  the  best  enamel  for  a  lady's  face  is 
a  delicate  compliment,  one  that  has  an  artistic  touch  of  truth,  or  poetry, 
in  it.  The  application,  he  says,  most  successfully  raises  a  beautiful 
roseate  blush— nature's  own  colour — which  no  artificial  composition,  or 
the  vulgar  hand  of  imitation,  can  possibly  approach,  or  surpass.  More- 
over, it  does  no  injury  to  the  complexion,  but  on  the  contrary  rather 
improves  it.  Of  course,  the  compliment  must  be  laid  on  with  a  light 
hand — for  instance,  the  hand  of  a  true-born  gentleman  ;  for  if  any  black- 
guard, or  ce  que  votes  appelez  Snob,  should  venture  to  attempt  it,  he  is 
sure  to  do  it  so  clumsily — avec  une  telle  gaucherie — that  the  failure  be- 
comes, not  only  ludicrous,  but  most  painful.  In  such  a  case,  the  roseate 
blush  instantly  turns  to  crimson  indignation.  To  make  an  unpoetic 
comparison  it  is  all  the  difference,  he  says,  between  a  rose-leaf  and 
pickled  cabbage.  Our  gallant  Comte,  who  has  evidently  studied  in  the 
best  schools  of  Eashion,  is  pained  to  confess,  however,  that  this  charming 
experiment,  which  rarely  fails  on  the  cheeks  of  fair  demoiselles,  meets 
but  seldom  with  gratifying  success,  when  tried  on  the  sallow  feint  of 
ladies  who  have  passed  a  certain  age.  The  conclusion  he  comes  to  on 
this  latter  point  is,  we  must  admit,  for  one  of  his  refined  taste,  slightly 
tinged  with  harshness  : — "  Vellum  (he  says),  to  be  illuminated  properly, 
requires  the  strongest  colours." 


A  Great  Eore    in  an  Omnibus. 

At  this  wet  and  dirty  season  of  the  year,  men  sitting  in  an  omnibus 
frequently  sustain  some  little  inconvenience,  in  having  every  now  and 
then  their  knees  brushed,  by  a  lady  who  gets  into  the  vehicle,  with  her 
enormous  skirts,  ou  which  she  has  swept  up  a  lot  of  mud  in  the  streets, 
and  necessarily  wipes  it  off  upon  their  trousers.  It  is  high  time  that 
omnibuses  should  be  made  four  times  as  broad  as  they  are  now,  in 
order  that  the  extravagant  apparel  of  the  female  passengers  may  be 
consistent  with  the  comfort  and  cleanliness  of  the  others,  who  may  be 
unwilling  to  ride  outside  to  oblige  a  lady,  or  unable  to  do  so  even  with 
the  view  of  avoiding  a  nuisance. 


244 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[December  14,  1861. 


A    GREAT    TIME    FOR    IRELAND! 

We  copy  the  following  paragraph  from  an  article  in  the  Nation  Irish  newspaper,  written  in 
anticipation  of  a  war  between  this  country  and  America : — 

"Yes,  then  will  the  forces  of  England  find  in  their  front  such  desperate  men  as  crushed  their  ranks  at  Fontenoy 
to  the  ciy  of  '  Remember  Limerick.'  Yes,  the  men  crowbarred  out  of  their  homes  in  Ireland  ;  the  men  oppressed, 
insulted,  scoffed  at,  and,  wherever  they  went,  pursued  by  English  slander,  scorn,  and  hate— those  men  will  be  in 
the  van  of  the  fight,  and  then  will  woe  come  to  England  !  And  what  of  Ireland  in  this  great  time  ?  What  will 
Irishmen  do  when  comes  this  supreme  opportunity,  the  like  of  which  can  only  come  once  in  many  ages  ?  We  can 
tell  what  they  may  do,  what  they  will  be  able  to  do,  if  they  act  well  their  part  as  brave  men, — they  can,  most 
certainly,  establish  the  independence  of  Ireland." 

And  here  is  a  portrait  of  the  Author, 


Mr.  G-O'Killa,  the  Young  Ireland  Party,  exulting  over  the  Insult  to  the  British 
Flag.    Shouldn't  he  be  Extinguished  at  once  ? 


A  FINSBURY  VOTER'S  LAMENT. 


Sir, 


To  Mr.  Punch. 


JUSTICE  IN  A  SCOTCH  REEL. 

English  law  jargon  is  bad  enough,  but  Scotch  law  jargon  beats  it  all  to  nothing. 

Who,  on  the  other  side  the  Tweed,  can  make  head  or  tad  of  the  Yelverton  business  now 
in  the  Scotch  Court  of  Session — before  one  of  the  Ordinaries ;  and  what  is  an  Ordinary  to 
begin  with  ?  He  must  be  an  extraordinary,  if  he  can  understand  the  proceedings  of  Ins  own 
Court. 

There  is  a  "  Suit  of  Declaration  "  at  the  instance  of  Mrs.  Teresa  Longworth  or  Yelver- 
ton; and  an  action  of  "  Freedom  or  putting  to  silence,"  on  the  part  of  Major  Yelverton. 
We  should  have  fancied  this  gentleman,  if  he  was  ever  to  be  put  to  silence,  must  have  been 
put  to  silence  by  the  revelations  of  the  Dublin  trial.  Can  anybody  tell  us  who  is  to  be  made 
to  declare  what,  or  who  is  to  be  put  to  sdence,  and  why  and  when  and  how  ?  Will  nobody  put 
the  proceedings  into  intcdigiblc  English  for  us  ?  We  should  be  glad  to  pay  for  the  explanation 
at  our  usual  handsome  rate  of  one  pound  per  line ;  but  we  doubt  if  the  man  exists  who  can 
decipher  the  legal  hieroglyphics  of  Scotch  procedure.  All  we  can  see  is,  that  there  is  a  Suit 
which  affects  two  poor  ladies  vitally,  and  that  it  has  been  dragging  its  slow  course  along  for 
years,  in  forms  that  bewdder  the  memory,  and  in  language  that  defies  the  understanding. 

Everybody  has  seen  a  reel  in  a  bottle.    This  case  seems  a  Scotch  reel  in  a  bottle  of  smoke. 


THE   SMALLEST   MAN   IN  AMERICA. 

We  see  there  is  a  General  Wool  in  the 
American  army.  If  measured  by  the  illimi- 
table bravado  of  the  Yankee  troops,  the 
General  cannot  be  much  more  than  a  dwarf 
— that  is  to  say,  if  we  are  to  place  any  reliance 
on  the  truth  oi'  the  old  saving :  "  Great  cry, 
little  Wool." 

Printed  by  William  Bradbury,  oi  No.  13,  U  pper  Woburn  Place,  and  Fredencfc  Mullett  Evans,  ot  No.  19,  Queen  s  Road  West,  Regent's  Pars,  both  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Paneras,  in  the  County  of  Middlesex, 
Printers,  at  their  Office  in  Lombard  Street,  in  tie  Precinct  of  Whitefriars,  in  the  City  of  Lon  ion,  and  Published  by  them  at  No.  85,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Bride,  in  the  City  oi  Loudon.— 
SiTimnit,  December  14, 18C1. 


Deeply  as  I  sympathise  with  Bel- 
gravian  Mothers,  I  cannot  but  feel  that  there 
are  woes  more  deserving  of  public  commisera- 
tion than  those  of  which  they  so  eloquently 
complain.  I  have,  Sir,  at  my  command  seven 
able  and  aspiring  orators.  They  have  all 
sown  their  radical  oats,  and  are  anxious  to 
settle  down  as  Representative  Men,  if  they 
can  form  a  suitable  political  alliance,  but  un- 
happily the  balance  at  their  bankers  does  not 
exceed  £2,800  each.  They  assure  me  that  an 
union  with  the  daughter  of  the  late  General 
Reform  (Lady  Finsbury)  would  ensure  their 
unqualified  happiness  for  years  (barring  Mini- 
sterial accidents).  Borne  down,  however,  by 
a  painful  recollection  of  their  monetary  un- 
worthiness,  they  dare  not  so  much  as  look 
the  gorgeous  widow  in  the  face.  She,  Sir, 
who  has  not  girlish  gaiety  to  plead  in  her 
defence,  meantime  coquettes  with  a  group  of 
timid  and  adoring  admirers  in  a  maimer  that 
makes  my  blood  tingle— now  smiling  on  one, 
now  beckoning  to  another — now  shaking  her 
fan  at  a  third— anon  sighing  with  well  simu- 
lated affection  for  a  fourth.  Sir,  as  an  old  and 
consistent  Reformer,  I  ask  is  there  no  cure 
for  this  crying  grievance  ?  Is  political  as  well 
as  nuptial  felicity  to  be  bound  up  in  a  ban- 
ker's book  ?  Are  the  amiable  three  per  cents 
to  be  consulted  before  our  sense  of  legislative 
responsibility  ?  Is  the  balance  of  power 
insignificant  compared  with  the  power  of  the 
pence  ?  Is  access  to  the  House  barred  by 
gold  and  sdver  sticks  in  waiting,  and  is  the 
best  seat  reserved  for  the  man  who  carries 
an  air-cushion,  and  can  raise  the  wind  to  till 
it  ?  These,  Sir,  are  solemn  questions,  and  I 
earnestly  commend  them  to  your  considera- 
tion as  our  Country's  Guide,  Philosopher, 
and  Friend.  Let  me,  Sir,  in  conclusion,  re- 
mind you  that  old  Sarum,  for  her  iniquities, 
was  cast  into  Schedule  A ;  and  though  I 
should  regret  to  see  Lady  F.  with  her  pecu- 
liar fascinations  similarly  treated,  I  do  not 
hesitate  to  say  that  her  seclusion  would  in- 
adequately atone  for  the  poignant  sufferings 
of  those  who  love  her  I  fear  not  wisely  but 
too  well. 

"  I  am,  Sir,  &c., 

"  Vindex  Scrutator." 

c;  P.S.  Pltjtus  dangling  his  purse  may 
boast  of  his  conquests ;  but  he  will  find  that 
Britannia  is  not  to  be  trifled  with  if  she 
is  put  on  her  metal." 


Indignation  Always  Takes   a  Selfish 
Turn. 

There  is  an  old  gentleman  of  our  acquaint- 
ance who,  though  repeatedly  told  that  tin; 
name  of  the  Commander  of  the  San  Jacinto 
is  Wilks,  will  insist  upon  _  calling  him 
Whelks.  Accordingly,  he  will  go  on  rav- 
ing in  this  manner  for  hours  together: — 
"  No  wonder,  Sir,  that  such  a  piratical  son  of 
a  gun  should  be  popular  with  the  New  York 
mob,  for  if  you  notice,  Sir,  the  populace 
always  had  a  low  taste  for  Whelks  !  For  my- 
self, I  don't  care  for  such  things.  For  one  pin, 
Sir,  I  would  take  his  head  off  in  a  minute." 


Vn  the  2i)tA  will  be  Published,  Price  3d.,  Stamped  id., 

PUNCH'S    ALMANACK    FOR    1862. 

Illustrated  by  JOHN  LEECH  and  JOHN  TENNIEL. 


PUNCH  OFFICE,  85,  FLEET  STREET,  E.C 


In  One  Volume,  post  Svo,  with  Map,  price  10s.  6<f„ 

THE  PRINCE  OF  WALES  IN  CANADA 

AND  THE  UNITED  STATES. 

By  N.  A.  WOODS,  Esq.,  the  Times  Special  Correspondent. 

Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


On  the  24th  inst.  will  be  published,  price  7s.  &d., 
THE  FIFTH  VOLUME  OF 

ONCE      A     WEEK, 

Handsomely  hound  and  Illustrated  with  many  Engravings  on  Wood., 
Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


AtOv 


THE  STORY  of  Dr.  LIVINGSTONE'S  TSAVELS 

Now  Keady,  with  Map  and  16  Illustrations. 

Post  Svo,  6s. 

POPULAR  ACCOUNT   OF 

MISSIONARY  TRAVELS  and  RE- 
SEARCHES IN  SOUTH  AFRICA.  Bv  Davi» 
Livingstone,  M.D.  Condensed  iroui  his  larger 
work. 

*»*  Of  Dr.  Livingstone's  Travels  36.U0.1  Copies 
have  been  sold. 

Also  Uniform  with  the  above, 
THE   STORY    OF  SIR  EOWELL   BUX- 
TON'S 1 1FE.     By  His  Son.    Portrait.    Post 
:  Svo.    2«.6d. 

*,*  Oi'  Buxton's  Life  13,000  Copies  have  been 
sold. 

LAYARD'S  POPULAR  ACCOUNT  OP 
HIS  DISCOVERIES  AND  RESEARCHES 
AT  NINEVEH.    Woodcuts.    Post  8vo.    6s. 

*»*  Of  Layard's  Travels  30,000  Copies  Lave 
been  suld. 

THE  STORY   OF   GEORGE    STEPHEN- 
SON'S   LIFE,    the    Railway   Engineer.      By 
Samuel  Smiles.  With  Woodcuts.  Post  Svo.  6s. 
V  Of  Stephenson's  Life  20,000  Copies  have 
been  sold. 

SELF    HELP.     With  Illustrations   of 
CHARACTER   anu  CONDUCT.    By  Samuel 
Smiles.    Post  svo.    6s. 
°»*  or  Self  Help  40,000  Copies  have  been  sold. 

LIFE  OF  THE  REV.  GEORGE  CRABBE, 
the  People's  Poet.  By  His  Son.  Portrait. 
Ireap.    Hvo.    3s. 

*«*  Of  Crabbe's  Life  18,000  Copies  have  been 
sold. 

JOHN  MURRAY,  Albemarle  Street. 

In  Two  Volumes,  Price  21s., 

fJELEBBATED    FRIEND- 

V  SHIPS.  By  Mrs.  Thomson  Author  of 
"  Memoirs  of  the  Duchess  of  Marlborough,"  "Life 
of  George  Villiers,  Dukeoi  Buckingham,"  &c. 


i    Dedicated,  by  Permission,  to  His  Ruyal  Highness 

(1  the  Prince  Consort. 

|  In  One  Volume,  cloth,  Price  10s.  0<7., 

I  BELGIAN   EPISODES ;    HIS- 

j  TOR1CAL,  Legendary,  and  Contemporary.    By 

H.  G.  Moke,  Member  of  the  Rnval  Academy  of 
Belgium,  Professor  at  the  University  and 
Athenee  Eoyal  of  Ghent,  Officer  of  the  Order  of 
Leopold  ;  and  Alick  Wilmebe,  Author  of 
"  Life  nf  Cbamplain,"  Translator  of  "  Cham- 
plain's  Voyage  to  the  West  Indies  and  Mexico.', 


GRACE  AND  PHILIP  WHARTON'S  WORKS. 
Secondhand  Cheap  Editions,  carefully  revised,  in 
One  Volume  each,   Price  9s.,    with    numerous 
Illustrations, 

THE  QUEENS  OF  SOCIETY. 

By  Grace  and  Phiup  Wharton.  With  Six- 
Ucti  fine  and  characteristic  Engravings  on 
Wood  by  Charles  Altamokt  Boyle  anil  the 
Brothers  Dalzibl. 

THE  WITS  AND  BEAUX  OF 

SOC1ET).  ByGiiACK  and  Philip  Wiiauton, 
Authors  or  "Tlie  Queens  of  Sorietv."  With 
J'Ifreen  Illustrations  from  Lirawinjrs  by  H.  K. 
Browne  and  Jambs  Godwin,  Engraved  by  the 
Brothers  Dalzibl. 


CHRISTMAS  BOOKS. 
In  cloth  extra,  gilt  edfres,  Price  2s.  6d., 

DOUBLE    ACEOSTICS.      BY 

Various  Authors,    Edited  by  K.  L. 

In  cloth  extra,  silt  edges,  Price  3s.  6d., 

BIDDIES   IN    RHYME.      A 

Hook  ol  Enigmas,  Charades,  and  Conundrums. 
Selected  from  tbose  contributed  during  the  last 
thirty  years  to  "  Fulclter's  Ladies'  Poetical 
Miscellany."       Edited     by      Ki>muni>      Sveii 

Pl/LCHEB. 

London  :  James  Hogg  &  Sons. 


This  day  is  Published,  Second  Edition,  3  Vols. 
Price  Ml  lis.  6d., 

V0M  SHOWN  AT  OXFORD. 

■*■»  By  the  Author  of 

*'  TOM  BKOVVJN'S   SCHOOL  DAYS." 

Cambridge:  Macmii.lan  &  Co.:  and  23,  Henrietta 

Street,  Coveut  Garden,  London. 


To  Youth  a  Monitor,  to  Age  a  Guide. 

THE     PHYSICIAN- 

*•  2a!.  MONTHLY. 

Contents  of  No.  1.— Diseases  of  the  Stomach  and 
Liver,  Diseases  of  Children,  Diseases  of  the  Skin, 
Diseases  of  the  Chest  and  Lungs,  Hysteria.  Nervous 
Delu  ity  and  its  Cause  and  Cure.  Tic  lloloreux 
Lumbago,  Household  Receipts,  Useful  Hints  Sc 
<ec,  Sc.  Ashforitat  all  Newsvcndors.  Sent  free 
from  the  Ofice  for  3  stamps. 

39,  Great  Castle  Street,  Regent  Street,  W. 


BULL     EVENINGS     MADE 

**    MERRY.  — Bagatelle    Boards  of  the 

finest  manufacture  from  3U.  fid.  complete.     Descrip- 

tiite  Catalogue  of  parlour  games  free  on  application 

Assee  &  Suebwin,  81,  Strand,  London. 


/') 


$STHMA.-BE,.    LOCGCK'S 

**  PULMONIC  WAFERS 

Give  instant  relief,  and  a  rapid  cure  of  asthma,  con- 
sumption, coughs,  and  r.11  disorders  of  the  breath 
and  lungs.  They  have  a  pleasant  taste.  Price 
la.  lid.,  2s.  <W.,  and  1  Is.  per  box. 

Sold  by  all  Medicine  Vendors. 

TJAPTAIN  WHITE'S  CURRY 

V*  UR  MULLIGATAWNY  PASTE,  Curry 

Powder  Curry  Sauce,  and  Oriental  Pickle,  may  be 

obtained  from  all  Sauce  Vendors,  and  Wholesale  of 

Lrosse  &  Blackwkli,  Purveyors  to  the  Queen. 

Soho  Sonare, '  ondon. 


i   U  U  Ull,     W.U,      J-llJtLl     LV11  UKjr\      V^112i.J.V±  V  i.lXtL. J_/JtiUJBiJYl£SJiK     -1,      lOUl. 

Repeal  of  the  paper  duty. 

THE  WAVE  RLE  Y  NOVELS  will  be  published  in  MONTHLY 
Volumes,  price  ONE  SHILLING  each,  commencing  1st  January* 
1862.  The  whole  Series  will  be  completed  in  25  vols.  /cap.  Svo., 
and  will  contain  all  the  Authors  Introductions.  Notes  avd  lazest, 
Emendations. 

Edinburgh.  November  25.  1861. 


OEEISTMAS  PRESENTS  AND  HEW  YEAR'S  GIFTS. 

.  A.  SIMPSON  &  Co., 

GOLDSMITHS,  SILVERSMITHS,   JEWELLERS,  WATCH   &   CLOCK    MANUFACTURERS, 
AND  IMPORTERS  OF  EVERT  DESCRIPTION  OF  FANCY  NOVELTIES. 


T 


A.  SIMPSON  AND  Co.  invite  attention  to  their  choice  and  elegant  ASSORTMENT  of 
JEWELLERY,  Watches,  Clocks,  Garnitures  de  Chemiues,  Table  Ornaments,  Dressing  Cases 
and  Bags,  Faucy  Cabinet  Ware,  Mediasval-mouuted  Walnut  Wood,  and  an  endless  variety  of  the 
most  ingenious  and  beautiful  Manufactures  of  London,  Paris,  Vienna,  and  Frankfort,  at  prices 
to  suit  all  purchasers. 

Diamond  and  Gem  Ornaments,  Bracelets,  Brooches,  Rinjs,  Necklets,  Lockets,  Earrings, 
Chains,  Studs,  Scarf  Pins,  Sleeve  Links,  and  every  description  of  Jewellery  at  moderate  prices  ; 
and  a  lar^e  Stock  of  other  articles  suitable  for  presents,  but  too  various  to  enumerate. 

T.  A.  SIMPSON  &  Co.  wish  specially  to  call  attention  to  the  Royal  Album  complete,  with 
Photographic  Portraits  of  the  Royal  and  Imperial  Families  of  Europe,  besides  eminent  perso- 
nages of  every  nation  ;  also  an  elegant  assortment  of  other  Albums,  containing  from  30  to  250 
Portraits  ;  folding  Photograph  Frames  in  Gilt  Oimolu  in  great  variety,  at  prices  much  below  the 
usual  rate. 

T.  A.  SIMPSON  &  Co., 
154,  Begent  Street,  and  8,  Beak  Street ;   and  Paris,  Rue  de  Sivoli. 


NO  MORE  PILLS   NOR   ANY   OTHER  MEDICINE. 

"  We  find  the  safest  remedy  in  DU  BARRY'S  delicious  health-restoring 

EVALENTA  ARABICA  FOOD 

For  Habitual  Constipation,  Dyspepsia  (Indigestion),  Palpitation,  Acidity,  Flatulency,  Phlegm, 
Nausea,  Consumption,  Coughs,  Colds,  Asthma,  Bronchitis,  Haemorrhoids,  Nervousness,  Bilious- 
ness, Torpidity  of  the  Liver,  Low  Spirits.  Irritability,  Sleeplessness,  Noises  in  Head  or  Ears, 
Debility,  Fevers,  &c."— Andrew  Ure,  M.D.,  F.R.S.  ;  Dr.  Harvey,  Dr.  Shorland,  Dr.  Campbell. 

Dr.  Wurzer's  Testimonial: — "  Du  Barry's  Food  is  particularly  effective  in  curing  dyspepsia 
(indigestion),  habitual  constipation,  as  also  diarrhoea,  bowel  and  liver  complaints,  affections  of 
the  kidneys,  bladder,  and  of  the  urethra  and  hemorrhoids,  also  in  c.'ugh,  asthma,  debility,  and 
pulmonary  and  bronchial  consumption." — Dr.  Rud.  Wurzer,  Prof,  of  Medicine  audPracticai  M.D. 

We  extract  a  Rw  out  of  many  thousand  cures: — Cure,  No.  1,771.  Lord  Stuart  de  Decies,  of 
many  years'  dyspepsia. — No.  49,832.  "  Fifty  years'  indescribable  agony  from  dyspepsia,  nerv- 
ousness, asthma,  cough,  constipation,  flatulency,  spasms,  sickness,  and  vomiting.  Maria  Joly, 
of  Lynn,  Norfolk." — Cure.  No.  58,816.  Field-Marshal  the  Duke  of  Pluskow,  of  dyspepsia,  con- 
stipation, nervousness,  and  liver  complaints. — Cure,  No.  47,121.  Miss  Elizabeth  Jacobs,  Nazing 
Vicarage,  Waltham  Cross,  Herts,  of  extreme  nervousness,  indigestion,  gatherings,  low  spirits, 
and  nervous  fancies. — Cure,  No.  54,Slfi.  Toe  Rev.  James  T.  Campbell,  Syderstone  Rectory,  near 
Fakenham,  Norfolk,  "  of  indigestion  and  torpidity  of  the  liver,  which  had  resisted  all  medical 
treatment ;  inquiries  will  be  cheerfully  answered." 

Less  expensive  and  far  more  strengthening  than  Tea,  Coffee,  Cocoa,  and  Cod  Liver  Oil,  this 
delicious  food  saves  all  Doctors'  and  Apothecaries'  Bills,  and  50  times  its  cost  in  other  remedies. 

Packed  in  tins,  1  lb.,  2s.  9d.  ;  2  lb.,  4s.  ritf.  ;  5  lb.,  lis.  ;  12  lb.,  22s.  ;  24  lb.,  free  of  carriage,  40s. 
Super  refined  quality,  10  lb.,  :-:3s. — Barry  Do  Barry  a  Co..  No.  77,  Regent  Street,  London;  also 
Fortndm  &  Mason;  and  at  60,  Gracechurch  Stivet ;  4,  Ohen/pside :  63  and  150,  Oxford  Street ; 
330,  Strand;  54,  Upper  Biker  Street ;  and  all  respectable  Grocers  and  Chemists. 


IMPORTANT 


ANNOUNCEMENT. 


METALLIC   PEN   MAKER  TO  THE 

BY  ROYAL  COMMAND, 

JOSEPH    GILLOTT 


aUEEN, 


PEGS  most  respectfully  to  inform  the  Commercial  WorM.  Scholastic  Institutions,  and  the 
^  public  generally,  rhat  by  a  novel  application  of  bis  unrivalled  Machinery  for  making  Steel  Pens,  and  in  accordance 
with  the  scientific  spirit  of  the  times,  he  has  introduced  a  new  series  of  bis  useful  productions,  which,  for  excel- 
lence of  tkmfbe,  QUAMTY  op  matgrial,  and,  «bove  all,  cueapnkss  in  pit  ice,  he  believes  will  ensure  universal 
approbation,  and  defy  competition.  Each  Pen  bears  the  impress  of  his  name  as  a  guarantee  of  quality  ;  and  they  are 
put  up  in  the  usual  style  of  boxes,  containing  one  gross  each,  with  label  outside,  anl  the  far  simile  of  his  signature. 
At  the  request  of  persons  extensively  engaged  in  tuinon,  J.  G.  has  introduced  his  WARRANTED  SCHOOL.  AND 
PUBLIC  PENS,  which  are  especially  adapted  to  their  u*e.  beiug  of  different  degrees  of  flexibility,  and  with  fine, 
medium,  and  broad  points,  suitable  for  the  various  kinds  of  Writing  taught  in  Schools.  Sold  Retail  by  all  Sratiooers, 
Booksellers,  and  other  respectable  Dealers  in  Steel  Pens.  Merchants  and  Wholesale  Dealers  can  be  supplied  at  the 
Works,  Graham  Street ;  90,  New  Street,  Birmingham; 

No.  91,  JOHN  STREET,  NEW  YORK  ;  and  at  37,  GRACBCHURCH  STREET,  LONDON,  E.C 


UNITED    STATES 

<$— 


OF   AMERICA. 


KINGSFOKD'S 

EGO   PREPARED   CORN, 

For  Puddings,  Custards,  Blanc  Mange,  &e. 
IS  THE  ORIGINAL  ARTICLE— ESTABLISHED  1849. 

The  Oswego  has  a  Delicacy  aud  Purity  not  possessed  by  any  of  the  English 

Imitations, 
igif  Give  it  one  trial,  so  as  to  know  what  the  genuine  American  article  is. 


<T<HE    POCKET     SIPHONIA    DEPOT.-EDMISTON    A¥D     SOU. 

*    Sole  Manufacturers  of  the  12  oz.  Waterproof  Coat  for  India,  guaranteed  not  to  be  sticky, 
no  matter  the  climate  it  is  subject  to.     From  42s.,  all  silk  505.  to  63s.     Measurement  required, 
the  length  and  size  round  the  chest.    Knapsacks  for  Tourists,  ISs.  6d. 
FISHIKG  STOCKINGS,  21*.  to  25s.  per  pair. 
5,    CHARING    CROSS,   late    69,    STVRANB. 


EBDIHG    AND    BIRTHDAY     PRESENTS.-H.    RODRIGUES, 

42,  PICCADILLY,  invites  attention  to  his  elegant  STOCK  of  TRAVELLING  DRB=>S1NQ 
BAGS,  DRESSING  OASES,  DESPATCH  BOXLS,  Writing  Gases,  Work  Boxes,  Jewel  Cases,  Scent  Caskets  and 
Glove  Boxes,  LADIES'  RETICULE  and  CARRIAGE  BAGS  of  every  description:  MEDIAEVAL  MOUNTED 
ENVELOPE  CASKS,  BLO  f  TING-BOOKS,  and  INKSTANDS  en  suite  :  the  NEW  PATENT  SELF-CLOSING 
BOOK-SLIDE,  also  a  choice  variety  o:  ELEGANCIES  and  NOVELTIES  suitable  for  PRESENTATION,  too 
various  to  enumerate,  to  be  had  at 

HENRY   RoriRTGUES'    12.  PTCC.A  mi.T.Y.rwo  doors  from  Sackville  Street,  W. 


TONDO iff  SOCIETY:  ANEW 

■&M  Illustrated  Monthly  Magazine  of  Light 
and  Amusing  Literature,  for  the  Hours  of  Relax- 
ation. The  First  Number  will  appear  on  Februaiy  1, 
18S2.  All  Literary  and  Artistic  Communications 
should  be  addressed  to  the  Editor, 

Office:  49,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


qpHE  MAGIC  SAILOR ;  THE 

-H-  JOLLY  JACK  TAR.— A  characteristic 
Figure,  which  Dances,  keeping  Time  to  Music, 
creating  roars  of  luighter,  defying  detection.  Sent 
post  free  for  18  stamps.  The  wizard's  box  of  magic 
— si-,  new  tricks  by  return  free  for  20  stamps.  The 
Wizard's  Note  Book  on  Magic,  free  for  7  stamps. 

W.  Greig,    6,  South  Row,   Carnaby  Street,   W., 
London. 

lUTUMN  PARIS  BONNETS. 

.&A  — Madame  Parsons,  02,  Regent  Street, 

also  26  and  27,  Burlington  Arcade. 

rj.B.  Not  connected  with  any  other  house  whatev€ 


SIMPSOF  &  Co., 

Whip  Manufacturers, 
314,  Oxford  Street,  London. 
Agents. — All  Saddlers  in  every  Country  Town. 
A  large  assortment  of  the  following  GOODS  always 
in  stock:— S|.urs,  dog  chains,  couples  and  collars, 
greyhound  slips,  whittles,  ferret  bells,  dog  bells  and 
muzzles,  drinking  Masks,  Sandwich  cases,  hunting 
and  post  bonis,  tourist  kegs,  birdcalls,  .Sic.  &c. 


OLD    BOTTLED     PORT. 

**  George  Smith,  b6,  Great  TWer  Street, 
E.C;  9  and  113,  Great  Tower  Street;  aud  1,  St.  Dun- 
stan's  II  ill.  Londnn.  17  and  18,  Park  Itow,  Green- 
wich, S.E.    Established  1785. 


PIUZE  MEDAL,  PARIS  EXHIBITION,  1855. 

METCALFE,    BINGLEY, 

A,A  &  Co.  's  New  Pattern  Tooth  Brushes, 
penetratins  unbleached  Hair  Brushes,  improved 
Flesh  Brushes,  and  seDuine  Smyrna  Spimjres,  with 
every  description  ot  Brash,  Comb,  and  Perfumery, 
13ub,  and  131,  Ovford  Street.  Metcalfe's  cele- 
brated Alkaline  Tooth  Powder.  2s.  per  box. 


fnOALS.-BEST  COALS  ONLY. 

w  — COCKERELL  &  Go's  price  is  now  25s. 
per  Ton  cash  for  the  BEST  SCREENED  COALS 
as  supplied  by  them  to  Her  Majesty.  13,  Coinh.llj 
Purfleet  Wharf.  Earl  Street,  Blackfriars,  E.C. 
Eaton  Wharf,  Groavenor  Canal,  Pimii^o,  S.W.; 
and  Sunderland  Wharf.  Peckharn,  S.E. 


EOYAL  EXTEACT  OF 
FLOWERS  and  EAU  DE  COLOGNE1 
a  la  YIOLETTE,  are  the  two  favourite  Fashionahle 
Perfumes,  their  extreme  delicacy  of  fragrance,  com-: 
bined  with  their  durability,  inducing  the  most  geue-: 
ral  approval.    2s.,  3s.  6d.t  and  bs. 

H.  Rigge,  :i5,  ISex  Bond  Street. 


It..  F!N£ST  SOUCHOMG.3.9.RRB. 


On  ri?  ante  ad.  the  IB.est    QrialiWj 

.MOOBE  BROTHERS 


3S  LONDON   BRIDGE 


"DTARVEY'S       SAUCE- 

«A&  CAUTION.— The  admirers  of  this 
celebrated  Sauce  are  particularly  requested  to  ob- 
serve that  each  bottle  bears  the  well- known  label, 
signed  "El'uabeth  Lazenby."  This  label  is  protected 
by  perpetual  injunction  in' Chancery  of  the  lJth  Julyf 
1^55,  and  without  it  none  can  be  genuine.  I 

E.  Lasekbv  and  Son,  of  6,  Edwards  Street,  Port-j 
man  Square,  London,  as  sole  proprietors  of  the 
receipt  lor  Harvey's  Sauce,  are  compelled  to  stive  this, 
caution,  from  the  fact  that  their  labels  are  closely, 
imitated  with  a  view  to  deceive  purchasers. 


COCKLE'S      AMTIBILIOUS 

§J  PILLS,  for  indigestion,  bile,  sick  head-, 
ache,  acidity,  heartburn,  flatulency,  spasms,  &c. 
Prepared  •.>  y  bv  James  Cock-e,  18,  New  Ormond 
Street,  London,  auu  lo  ue  had  oi  all  Medicine  S'en. 
dnrs.  in  hoves  at  K-    \M.   2«.  <M..  4«.  W.  «n>l  U 


December  21,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


240 


DECEMBER    FOURTEENTH,    1861. 


How  should  the  Princes  die  ? 

With  red  spur  deep  in  maddening  charger's  flank, 
Leading  the  rush  that  cleaves  the  foemau's  rank, 

And  shouting  some  time-famous  battle-cry  ? 

Ending  a  pleasure  day, 
Joy's  painted  goblet  fully  drained,  and  out, 
Whde  wearied  vassals  coldly  stand  about, 

And  con  new  homage  which  they  long  to  pay  ? 

So  have  the  Princes  died. 
Nobler  and  happier  far  the  fate  that  fall  s 
On  Him  who  'mid  yon  aged  Castle  walls, 

Hears,  as  he  goes,  the  plash  of  Thames' s  tide. 

Gallant,  high-natured,  brave, 
O,  had  his  lot  been  cast  in  warrior  days, 
No  nobler  knight  had  won  the  minstrel's  praise, 

Than  him  for  whom  the  half-reared  banners  wave. 

Or,  graced  with  gentler  powers, 
The  song,  the  pencil,  and  the  lyre  his  own, 
Deigned  he  to  live  fair  pleasure's  thrall  alone, 

None  had  more  lightly  sped  the  laughing  hours. 


Better  and  nobler  fate 
His,  whom  we  claimed  but  yesterday, 
His,  ours  no  more,  his,  round  whose  sacred  clay, 

The  death-mute  pages  and  the  heralds  wait. 

It  was  too  soon  to  die. 
Yet,  might  we  count  his  years  by  triumphs  won, 
By  wise,  and  bold,  and  Christian  duties  done, 

It  were  no  brief  eventless  history. 

This  was  his  princely  thought : 
With  all  his  varied  wisdom  to  repay 
Our  trust  and  love,  which  on  that  Bridal  Day 

The  Daughter  of  the  Isles  for  dowry  brought. 

For  that  he  loved  our  Queen, 
And,  for  her  sake,  the  people  of  her  love, 
Pew  and  far  distant  names  shall  rank  above 

His  own,  where  England's  cherished  names  are  seen. 

Could  there  be  closer  tie 
Twixt  us,  who,  sorrowing,  own  a  nation's  debt 
And  Her,  our  own  dear  Lady,  who  as  yet 

Must  meet  her  sudden  woe  with  tearless  eye  : 


When  with  a  kind  relief 

Those  eyes  rain  tears,  O  might  this  thought  employ  ! 

Him  whom  she  loved  we  loved.    We  shared  her  joy, 
And  will  not  be  denied  to  share  her  grief. 


THE  IRISH  YAHOOS. 

A  Grand  Meeting  of  Yahoos  was  held  yesterday  at  the  Pope's  Head, 
for  the  purpose  of  expressing  joy  aud  exultation  at  the  prospect  of  the 
war  which  England  is  thought  likely  to  be  involved  in  with  America. 
The  Chair  was  taken  by  the  O'Donoghyahoo,  one  of  the  principal 
representatives  of  the  Yahoos  in  Parliament.  _ 

The  O'Donoghyahoo,  on  rising,  was  received  with  much  grinning, 
gibbering,  chattering,  and  other  demonstrations  of  applause.  When 
the  noise  had  subsided,  he  began  raving,  and  continued  for  nearly  an 
hour, "pouring  forth  torrents  of  foul  but  almost  inarticulate  abuse  of 
the  Saxon,  as  he  was  understood,  as  well  as  his  sputtering  and  slavering 
enabled  him  to  be,  to  style  the  object  of  his  malignant  invective, 
meaning  England  and  the  English.  His  discourse  terminated  with  a 
succession  of  shrieks  and  yells  resembling  those  of  a  hysena  impatient 
for  his  carrion,  and  he  sat  down  foaming  at  the  mouth.  The  conclusion 
of  the  honourable  Yahoo's  address  was  hailed  with  frantic  howling  and 
peals  of  convulsive  laughter,  like  that  of  a  multitude  of  violent  idiots. 

Orations  in  a  similar  tone  and  spirit,  full  of  sound  and  fury,  were 
delivered  by  Mr.  O'Rangoutang,  Mr.  G.  O'Rilla,  Mr.  Fitzcallban, 
and  other  eminent  Yahoos,  who  gloated  on  the  calamities  which  they 
anticipated  for  England,  and  expressed,  as  far  as  they  were  intelligible, 
the  most  truculent  animosity  to  the  British  Sovereign  and  people. 
Mr.  O'Rangoutang  created  an  immense  sensation  by  brandishing  a 
dagger,  to  indicate  how  he  would  like  to  serve  the  alien  oppressor, 
in  which  performance  he  nearly  cut  his  own  throat,  to  the  great 
diversion  of  the  assembly. 

After  giving  several  rounds  of  hurroos  for  the  Pope  and  Captain 
Wilks,  and  of  shouts  and  yells  for  Lord  Palmerston  and  John 
Bull,  the  concourse  of  Yahoos  separated  gnashing  their  teeth,  and 
retired  to  their  dens,  whooping,  shrieking,  and  uttering  the  most  blood- 
thirsty execrations.  Going  home,  many  of  them,  in  the  frenzy  of  their 
malice,  threw  themselves  down  in  the  dirt  and  rolled  in  it  like  dogs, 
yelping,  whining,  and  howling,  after  the  manner  of  the  lower  orders  of 
the  canine  species,  to  which  the  Yahoo  is  nearly  allied,  being  a  creature 
between  the  mongrel  and  the  baboon. 


What  the  United  States  particularly  want  just  now. — A 
Short  Cut  to  the  Pacific. 


SOMETHING  LIKE  MANNERS. 

An  Irishman,  in  the  old  days  of  Protestant  Ascendency,  was  run 
over  by  a  bishop's  carriage,  and  merely  inquired,  in  a  humble  manner, 
as  he  sat  rubbing  himself,  "What's  that  for."  We  feared  that  his 
docile  race  had  become  extinct,  but  the  following  advertisement, 
which  Mr.  Punch  cuts  from  a  provincial  newspaper,  shows  that  there 
arestdl  persons  who  know  how  to  behave  respectfully  under  aggra- 
vating circumstances : — 

p  ENTLEMAN  RUN  OVER  IN  CLAYTON  SQUARE.  If  the 
*J  Ladies  who  were  in  the  Carriage  when  it  was  driven  over  an  old  Gentleman  in 
Clayton  Square,  on  Monday  last,  between  the  hours  of  Twelve  and  One,  desire  to 
know  how  he  is,  they  are  invited  to  send  to  No.  34,  Seymour_  Street. 

Nothing  can  be  more  polite  than  this  old  gentleman,  and  his  delicate 
way  of  informing  the  ladies  of  his  address  savours  of  the  manners  of 
the  old  school.  We  do  not — no — we  will  not  do  such  wrong  to  human 
nature  as  to  suppose  that  he  inserts  the  advertisement  under  the 
advice  of  some  fiendlike  attorney,  who  has  failed  to  find  out  the 
address  of  the  ladies,  and  hopes  to  catch  them  this  way  with  a  view 
to  legal  damages.  No,  we  repudiate  the  thought.  The  affair  is  a 
bit  of  the  manners  of  the  high-bred  school  of  other  days.  There  was 
to  be  a  splendid  masked  ball,  at  the  court  of  the  excellent  Louis  XIV., 
and  all  the  world  worth  mentioning  was  wrapped  up  in  the  costumes, 
and  dying  for  the  splendid  fete.  A  young  Count,  from  Provence, 
was  to  be  one  of  the  most  brilliant  of  the  maskers.  Three  hours  before 
the  fete,  comes  to  him,  dustdy,  a  servant  from  the  provincial  cMteau, 
and  informs  him  that  his  Lordship's  father  is  deceased.  "  You  are  a 
vulgar  fellow,  Francois,"  blandly  replies  the  young  nobleman,  "  and 
you  judge  the  nobility  by  the  standard  of  the  canaille.  My  father  is 
too  much  of  a  gentleman  to  die  at  such  a  moment.  Come  to  me  in  the 
morning."  The  old  gentleman  of  Clayton  Square  must  surely  be  a 
descendant  of  the  high-bred  young  Count.  We  hope  he  wasn't  much 
hurt. 


English  and  American  Bulls. 

An  English  Bull's  run  calls  aloud  to  beware 
Of  his  horns,  ever  prompt  to  assad, 
But  a  Yankee  Bull's  Run  is  another  affair ; 
And  creates  most  alarm  by  his  tad. 


VOL.  XII. 


246 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[December  21,  1861. 


GREAT  WESTERN,  3  A.M. 


Why  the  deuce  do  you  always  Yawn  when  you  look  at  me 
Why  the  deuce  do  you  always  Look  at  me,  Sir,  wJien  I  'in 


Sir,  Ha  u  ? " 
YA  W—SA  W — HA  WNING  !  ' 


PATIENCE  AND  PREPARATION. 

"  Let  us  be  calm,"  say  you,  John  Bright 

Ok  yes,  we  will  be  calm ; 
Put  that  we  may  not  have  to  fight, 

We'll  show  that  we  can  arm. 

By  meek  submission  to  a  blow 

You  make  a  bully  brave ; 
But  if  a  ready  fist  you  show, 

Your  pardon  he  will  crave. 

Yes,  life  is  precious,  useful  gold, 

Nor  idly  to  be  lost ; 
But  if  we  would  our  honour  hold, 

We  must  not  count  the  cost. 

We  seek  no  quarrel :  but,  if  war 

Be  foully  on  us  thrust, 
Unnerved  it  shall  not  find  us,  nor 

With  sword  made  blunt  by  rust. 

We  wait  their  answer  calmly,  but 

With  hand  upon  the  hilt : 
If  they  the  gate  of  peace  would  shut, 

Be  theirs  alone  the  guilt. 


The  Fellow  for  Finsbury. 

The  Electors  of  Einsbury  have  not  as  yel 
found  a  Liberal  candidate  to  then-  mind.  The 
sort  of  Liberal  that  the  free  and  independent 
electors  of  that  incorruptible  borough  would 
like  to  'get  hold  of,  is  one  that  would  be  will- 
ing to  stand  a  contested  election,  and  spend 
£6,000. 

A  Caution  to  Sinners. — According  to  a 
popular  saying,  the  Evil  One  looks  over  Lin- 
coln. Yes,  and  he  seems  also  to  have  his  eye 
on  Seward. 


ENLARGING  THE  AREA  OE  A  POLICEMAN'S 

DUTIES. 

A  Deputation  of  Berkshire  Magistrates  waited  on  Sir  Geoege 
Grey  last  Thursday  for  the  purpose  of  obtaining  information  respect- 
ing the  views  of  Government  on  the  question  of  agricultural  statistics. 
The  general  feeling  of  the  meeting  was  opposed  to  the  Polioe  being 
employed  to  collect  the  latter.    Me.  Walter,  M.P.,  said  : — 

"  If  the  Police  were  only  to  be  employed  to  deliver  the  notices  and  to  collect  them 
when  filled  up,  some  persons  asked  why  should  not  that  be  done  through  the  Post- 
office  or  the  overseers.  People  suspected  some  mystery  when  the  agency  of  the 
Police  was  used. " 

We  can  easily  imagine  what  the  "  mystery/'  in  the  minds  of  most 
persons  would  be.  It  would  take  the  form  (if  nothing  worse)  of  an 
inquisitorial  inquiry  into  the  provisional  government  of  the  establislr 
I  ment.  No  Englishman's  castle  would  ever  be  safe.  It  would  be 
liable  at  all  times  to  an  invasion  from  the  Police— the  part  of  the 
Castle  that  would  command  his  best  attention  being,  of  course,  "  the 
keep." 

In  fact,  if  a  gentleman  were  to  find  a  Policeman  in  his  kitchen,  and 
the  latter  were  to  excuse  himself  by  saying,  "  Please,  Sir,  I've  called  to 
collect  agricultural  statistics,"  we  do  not  see  what  the  master  of  the 
house  could  say  against  it,  even  though  the  debris  of  the  enjoyed  love- 
feast  were  still  lying  on  the  table  to  protest  against  the  truth  of  his 
story.  The  above  handy  excuse  will  be  as  good  as  a  latch-key  to  a 
Policeman  to  let  himself  in  to  a  country  gentleman's  house  as  often 
as  he  pleases.  The  reports  he  will  make  afterwards  will  be  most 
amusing  of  their  kind.  They  will  be  as  pleasant  as  the  reports  of 
squibs  that  boys  scatter  amongst  each  other  for  their  amusement.  We 
can  imagine  a  party  of  these  large  blue-coat  boys  bounding  with 
pleasure  over  the  explosion  of  one.  How  they  would  laugh,  and  jump, 
and  go  through  a  "perfect  cure"  of  delight ! 

We  can  conceive  the  report  taking  some  such  form  as  the  following  : 
"  This  'ere  is  to  testify  that  I  have  been  to  Squire  Broadacre's  farm,  and 
these  are  the  agricultural  statistics  that  I  have  beeu  able  to  collect 
there.  He  keeps  three  servants,  of  which  one  is  a  Cook.  She  is  about 
twenty-five,  and  has  two  chins,  besides  a  strawberry  mark  on  her  right 
harm.  The  beer  is  uncommon  good.  There  are  hot  joints  twice  a 
week.  The  housemaid  has  the  making  of  the  toast.  The  best  day  for 
calling  is  Sunday,  as  they  mostly  always  has  company  up-stairs.  'The 
lady's  made  wears  false  hare.  Cheese  only  good  for  Welsh  rabids. 
Missus  looks  up  tea  and  sugar,  pickles  and  spirits.   Painily  goes  to  bed 


at  eleven.  Beware  of  the  big  dog  in  the  yard  let  lose  always  at  the 
same  time.  Cooks  wages  is  ten  lbs.  a-year,  and  a  bottle  of  gin  on 
Christmas  day  with  missusses'  hold  close.  Examined  the  larder,  and 
this  is  what  I  found  inn  side.  Breast  of  wheel,  very  low.  Dish  of  cold 
potatics,  Id  and  a  bit.  Likewise  of  melted  butter  with  parsley.  Small 
nuckel  of  am,  in  very  bad  cut.  Side  of  baking.  2  Ropes  of  unniongs, 
\  loaf  of  bread,  1  plate  of  salt  butter,  3  red  earrings,  and  box  of  onn- 
Chovy  paste.  The  family  also  keeps  a  gig,  a  cat,  a  8  day  clock,  a  pony, 
a  boy  in  the  stable,  a  parrot,  a  pig,  and  a  peramblehater.  They  dines 
at  four  o'clock— broken  scraps  only  on  the  Saturday.  They  washes  at 
home,  takes  the  plate  basket  up  to  bed  with  them,  ill-treats  the  servants, 
never  pays  until  then  maid  to  pay,  and  goes  to  church  twice  on  the 
Sunday." 

We  have  slightly  altered  the  above  report,  so  as  to  make  it  commonly 
intelligible,  for  the  Police  arc  not  always  distinguished  men  of  letters. 
However,  it  says  quite  enough,  we  contend,  to  prove  the  expediency 
of  keeping  Commissioner  Mayne's  busy  corps  of  blue-bottles  out  of 
our  larders  and  households.  A  Policeman  is  a  wolf  that  every  English- 
man  should  struggle  to  keep  from  his  door. 

The  Police  were  instituted  to  apprehend  persons  and  not  facts.  Only- 
let  this  prowling  agricultural  commission  be  established  in  then  favour, 
and  we  shall  soon  be  requiring  a  companion  to  M.  Michelet's  ful- 
minating book  of  "Priests,  Women,  and  Families"  to  be  written  in 
order  to  denounce  the  paul-prying  evil;  and  a  not  inappropriate 
title  for  such  a  counterblast  against  the  encroachments  of  Scotland 
Yard  would  be  "  Policemen,  Servants,  and  Families."  We  don't 
want,  the  Peeler  to  perform  in  England  the  character  the  Pretre  is 
supposed  to  fill  in  Erance. 


High  Church  and  Low  Language. 

Lately-  has  been  pubbshed  the  fourth  edition  of  a  work  entitled 
Orispin  Ken,  by  the  author  of  Marian  May,  with  a  New  Chapter,  A 
Word  to  Churchmen.  It  is  to  be  feared  that  Crispin.  Ken  is  more  likely 
to  suggest  a  new  phrase  to  costermongers.  "  Ken,"  in  the  language  of 
the  lower  orders,  is  an  abode,  and  "Crispin"  everybody  knows  to  be  a 
name  for  a  shoemaker.  Ciispin  Ken  is  a  title  which  will  most  likely  be 
borrowed  by  vulgar  persons  from  a  genteel  Church  novel,  and  appro- 
priated to  a  cobbler's  stall. 


A  Contrast. — English  character  personified  is  John  Bull. 
of  America  is  embodied  in  Jonathan  Bully. 


That 


"December  21,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


247 


PROFESSOR    SAYERS    AT    OXFORD. 

_  E  are  sorry  to  see 
that,  the  other 
)  day,  when  the 
circus  of  Mr. 
Thomas  Sayers 
was  at  Oxford, 
the  University 
authorities  took 
occasion  to  forbid 
the  undergra- 
duates attending 
that  instructive 
entertainment, — 
instructive,  be- 
cause we  have 
reason  to  sup- 
pose that  the  ex- 
hibition would 
have  included  a 
little  sparring, 
calculated  to  im- 
part 'to  the  colle- 
gians some  no- 
tion of  the  art  of 

self-defence,  and  stimulate  many  of  them  to  apply  themselves  to  its 
acquisition.  The  cultivation  of  that  noble  art  is  not  incompatible  with 
the  study  of  the  liberal  sciences  ;  its  students  would  not  beat  Latin  and 
Greek  out  of  each  other's  knowledge-boxes,  nor  is  it  to  be  feared  that 
they  would  proceed  to  punch  the  Heads  of  Houses.  Such  consequences 
will  be  apprehended  by  no  one  who  understands  the  logic  of  a  Mill. 

Some  of  the  Oxford  students  will  have,  one  of  these  days,  to  stand  up 
for  the  Thirty-Nine  Articles,  and  other  important  stakes.  Some 
divines  are  heavy ;  but,  heavy  weights  or  light  weights,  they  will  be 
none  the  worse  for  knowing  the  use  of  their  hands ;  and  besides,  in 
learning  to  box  they  would  be  schooled  in  fighting  with  temper :  a 
point  too  much  neglected  in  theological  education. 

We  regret  to  see  that  in  the  edict  prohibiting  the  resort  of  the  young 
Oxonians  to  Mr.  Sayers's  establishment,  that  gentleman  was  described 
as  "a  person  named  Sayers."  What  would  be  thought  of  any  one 
who  should  talk  of  a  person  named  Pusey  ?  The  Anglican  champion 
is  a  celebrated  clergyman ;  but  his  renown  is  not  greater  than  that  of 
the  Champion  of  England  ;  and  the  antagonist  of  Heenan  deserves  to 
be  spoken  of  with  respect,  as  Mr.  Sayers,  or  Mr.  Thomas  Sayers  ; 
or  if  "Mr.  Sayers  "be  accounted  as  absurd  as  "Mr;  Cesar,"  then 
let  reverend  gentlemen,  as  they  say  Julius  Cesar,  so  with  becoming 
consideration,  speak  of  Tom  Sayers. 


A  SMASH  FOE  A  SENSATIONIST. 

An  "amiable  and  truth-loving  correspondent  of  the  Standard,  who 
dates  his  letters  from  New  York  and  signs  himself  "Manhattan,"  has 
been  giving  such  a  rose-coloured  description  of  America,  that  one  sighs 
to  think  that  one  has  not  the  great  happiness  of  living  there.  Among 
other  things  to  tempt  one  to  emigrate  as  soon  as  one  can  get  the  chance, 
is  this  attractive  hint  as  to  the  power  of  the  President,  which  "  Man- 
hattan "  may  of  course  be  trusted  in  divulging : — 

"  Those  prisoners  committed  to  the  great  prisons  will  die  in  them.  It  rests 
entirely  with  the  President  whether  they  are  ever  brought  to  trial  or  not.  If  he 
thinks  it  better  for  the  public  interest  that  such  traitors  as  Mason  and  Slidell 
should  be  imprisoned  for  life,  he  can  have  it  so.  This  will  be  the  fate  probably  of 
most  of  the  leading  traitors.  The  successors  of  Lincoln  will  probably  take  the 
same  view  of  it.  General  Jackson,  when  President,  kept  a  man,  who  had  annoyed 
him,  in  prison  for  eight  years,  by  merely  ordering  the  district  attorney  not  to  bring 
him  to  trial." 

We  hope  a  copy  of  the  paper  which  contains  this  precious  statement 
will  be  sent  to  General  Jackson  as  soon  as  may  be  possible,  for  we 
cannot  but  believe  that,  it  will  be  a  bit  of  news  to  him  to  hear  of  the 
nice  conduct  of  which  he  is  accused.  Were  we  disposed  to  view  "  Man- 
hattan "  as  otherwise  than  one  who  is  a  stranger  to  veracity,  we  might 
lift  our  eyes  in  wonder  that  the  head  of  a  republic  so  free  and  fond  of 
liberty  as  that  of  the  United— or  rather  Untied-States  should  be  in- 
vested with  a  power  over  people  who  "  annoy  him  "  as  complete  as  any 
despot  ever  wielded  with  the  bowstring,  the  knout,  or  the  Bastile. 

With  a  boastful  word  or  two  about  the  kidnapping  of  Messieurs 
Mason  and  Slidell,  and  delicately  stating  that  it  "  quickly  took  the 
starch  out  of  them,"  and  that  "when  they  came  in  sight  of  the  fort 
that  was  to  be  their  future  prison  and  probable  tomo,  the  chin  of 
Mason  dropped  and  the  knees  of  both  gave  way,"  the  amiable 
"  Manhattan  "  gives  us  some  advice  as  well  as  news  about  our  Con- 
suls, which  Lord  Palmerston  will  doubtless  be  thankful  for  and 
profit  by : — 

"  The  English  Government  ought  to  remove  all  its  Consuls  from  the  Southern 


ports.  They  have  been  the  great  promoters  of  the  rebellion,  and  as  fast  as  they  are 
caught,  they  will  be  locked  up.  Government  has  enormous  quantities  of  proof 
against  every  one  of  them.  It  will  keep  ;  but  the  fact  that  these  men  are  agents 
of  England  only  makes  their  crime  the  greater.  There  will  be  a  great  quantity  of 
fun  before  long." 

The  amiable  "  Manhattan  "  has  grim  notions  of  a  joke.  What  sort 
of  "  fun  "  he  is  expecting  may  be  easily  inferred  from  the  paragraph 
that  follows  : — 

' '  W.  J.  Yancey  has  written  to  a  female^friend  who  has  the  ear  of  the  President, 
requesting  her  to  sound  the  latter,  and  see  what  terms  the  President  would  grant 
him.  The  President  refused  to  read  the  letter  or  hold  any  conversation  on  the 
subject,  except  to  say  the  only  officer  of  this  Government  who  will  hold  speech  with 
that  traitor  will  be  the  United  States  Marshal  that  hangs  him.  Yrou  can  rest  assured 
of  one  thing,  within  six  months  a  demand  will  be  made  upon  every  Government  in 
Europe  that  harbours  criminals  to  give  them  up.  Lord  Palmerston  wiU  have  the 
pleasure  of  delivering  up  Yancey  and  Mason,  if  they  do  not  escape  from  London." 

Of  course  we  need  not  say  that  we  believe  that  every  syllable  of  this 
is  strictly  true.  In  confirmation  of  its  verity  we  may  add,  that  we  have 
learned,  through  a  source  quite  as  reliable,  that  when  the  hint  dropped 
by  the  President  was  brought  to  the  States  hangman,  that  "officer  of 
the  Government"  expectorated  twice  with  a  marked  gaiety- of  manner, 
and  after  liquoring  up  a  Sling,  a  Stone  Wall,  and  a  Corpse-Reviver,  he 
merrily  danced  forth  into  the  middle  of  the  room,  and  sang  a  pleasant 
little  song  with  this  agreeable  refrain  : — 

"  £  focrala  5  torn  Itu'th  garutrj !  clio !  ofjo  ! 
©n  a  nice  black  floor, 
aSSitij  a  small  trapdoor, 
Keaijat  joy  to  be  fcoitlj  ganccrr ! " 

While  one  is  about  it,  one  may  as  well  be  fully  circumstantial  in  one's 
lies  ;  and  we  feel  somewhat  surprised  that  the  amiable  "  Manhattan  " 
should  give  such  bare  and  meagre  details  of  the  facts  (!)  which  he  relates. 
But  what  we  wonder  at  still  more  is  that  such  ribald,  lying  letters  as 
those  which  he  indites  should  be  inserted  in  large  type  in  any  English 
journal,  and  that,  in  spite  of  them,  that  journal  should  continue  to  be 
old. 


THE  AMERICAN  DILEMMA. 

Your  passion  and  arrogance,  Jonathan,  bridle, 
And  let  me  know  what  you  call  Mason  and  Slidell. 
Are  they  rebels  ?    What  right,  if  you  take  that  position/ 
Had  you,  boarding  the  Trent,  to  demand  extradition  ? 

Had  Mitchell  and  Meagher  been  Slidell  and  Mason, 
We  you,  and  you  we,  would  you  think  no  disgrace  on 
Your  flag  had  been  cast,  its  protection  from  under 
If  we  those  two  traitors  had  taken,  I  wonder  ? 

Belligerents  call  you  the  men  you  laid  hand  on, 
And  the  charge  of  high  treason  against  them  abandon  ? 
Were  we  fighting  the  Erench,  then  you'd  have  no  objection 
To  our  seizing  Prench  envoys  beneath  your  protection. 

Moreover,  as  prisoners  of  war  if  you  take  them, 
And  therefore  their  country's  ambassadors  make  them, 
You  put  yourselves  then  into  this  situation ; 
You  are  first  to  acknowledge  the  Confederation. 


THE  POPE'S  BRITISH  GOVERNMENT. 

The  British  Public  is  requested  to  take  notice  that  Mr.  Laird, 
Derbyite,  has  been  returned  for  Birkenhead,  in  preference  to  the 
Liberal  candidate  Mr.  Brassey;  by  what  influence  will  appear  from 
the  subjoined  paragraphs  of  election  intelligence: — 

"  Notwithstanding  the  most  arduous  efforts  on  the  part  of  the  Liberal  party,  tbey 
were  unable  to  recover  the  lost  ground,  and  the  poll  closed,  giving  Mr.  Laird  a 
majority  of  328. 

"  There  was  considerable  excitement,  owingto  the  religious  element  beinglargely 
introduced,  the  Roman  Catholics  of  Birkenhead,  with  the  Rev.  Canon  Chapman  at 
their  head,  actively  supporting  the  Tory  candidate,  Mr.  Laird,  and  his  return  is 
undoubtedly  attributable  to  the  course  taken  by  this  section  of  the  electors." 

Elsewhere  it  is  stated  that  :— 

"At  the  polling  a  body  of  two  hundred  Roman  Catholics,  headed  by  Canon  Chap- 
man, wei-e  ostentatiously  paraded  in  support  of  Mr.  Laird.  This  demonstration 
was,  no  doubt,  intended  as  a  rebuke  to  the  supporters  of  Her  Majesty's  Ministers, 
for  the  liberal  policy  pursued  in  regard  to  Italy,  and  as  a  proof  of  practical  concur- 
rence with  the  lucubrations  of  the  Bishops  op  Orleans  and  Poictiers,  and  other 
supporters  of  the  temporal  power  of  the  Pope." 

So  Mr.  Laird  owes  his  election  to  voters  who  send  him  to  the 
House  of  Commons  in  the  hope  that  he  will  support  the  government  of 
the  Pope  and  oppose  that  of  Lord  Palmerston.  The  government  of 
Lord  Derby  and  that  of  his  Holiness  are  much  the  same  thing- 
according  to  the  papists  of  Birkenhead.  Let  this  be  remembered,  when 
a  vacancy  occurs  elsewhere,  by  electors  who  value  the  liberty  of  Italy 
and  the  honour  and  interest  of  England. 


BOOKING    A    CUSTOMER. 

Messrs.  Cutis  and,  Longstick,  vho  have  suffered  much  from  the  difficulty  attending  the  Identification  of  "  Clients"  on  their  return  from  a 
lengthened  Tour,  resort  to  the  accompanying  Device.  Whilst  the  Captain  is  being  measured  by  the  Forotian,tlie  Junior  Partner  adjusts  the  Camera 
for  his  Photograph. 


A  GOD-SPEED  TO  THE  CANADA-BOUND. 

God  speed  you,  Guards  aud  Rifles,  Line-regiments  and  Artillery, 
Punch  flings  his  old  shoe  after  you,  and  drains  his  glass  of  Sillery, 
And  here 's  his  toast,  "  May  boiled  and  roast,  and  drink  and  clothes  and 

firing, 
Ne'er  fail  your  pluck,  and  here's  good  luck,  stout  arms  and  legs 

untiring." 

The  St.  Lawrence  has  its  sleet  and  fogs,  its  ice-wind  keen  and  frore ; 

On  sea  there 's  storm  before  you,  and  frost  upon  the  shore  ; 

In  the  long,  long  march,  through  pine  and  larch,  along  the  trampled 

snow, 
With  the  icy  breath  of  a  sleepy  death  about  you  as  you  go. 

But  John  Bull  clothes  your  bellies  and  your  backs  with  food  and 
furs, 

And  in  your  own  brave  veins  the  blood  of  manhood  cheerly  stirs  ; 

So  if  there 's  pith  in  meat  and  drink,  and  manly  hearts  beside, 

All  safe  you ']  1  land,  and  to  arms  you 'ITstand,  where  rolls  St.  Law- 
rence ;  :ide. 

Aud  the  blessing  of  your  countrymen,  and  countrywomen  too, 
Will  cling  and  close  about  you,  as  hearty  blessings  do, 
Surpassing  warmth  of  food  and  fire,  from  heart  to  heart  they'll  run— 
And  England's  wide  and  watchful  arms  will  clasp  her  every  son. 

There  are  beardless  chins  among  you,  there  are  heads  all  grizzly-grey, 
There  are  lads  of  tender  nurture,  and  rough  slips  that  none  would  stay : 
There 's  gentle  blood  and  simple,  there 's  nobleman  and  clown, 
For  suffering  and  for  danger  by  common  duty  boune. 

The  fopling  Guardsman  iiings  his  crust  of  foppery  away, 

And  sets  to  work  as  lightly  as  e'er  he  set  to  play  : 

From  club,  boudoir,  and  drawing-room,  and  huuting-field,  he 's  there, 

To  face  the  lot  that  others  face,  and  fare  as  others  fare. 


And  some  leave  wives  and  children,  sweet-hearts,  and  parents  dear, 
Warm  hearths  for  icy  darkness,  full  cups  for  sorry  cheer  : 
From  the  general  to  the  private,  not  one  among  them  all, 
But  blithely  makes  his  sacrifice,  be  it  great  or  be  it  small. 

And  shall  we  grudge  them  a  comfort,  that  purse  of  ours  can  pay, 

A  God-speed  and  a  greeting,  as  they  sail  upon  their  way  ? 

Blow  fair,  ye  winds  ;  be  merciful,  grim  winter,  to  our  brave, 

May  our  blessing  serve  to  strengthen,  our  prayer  have  power  to  save  ! 


COMMERCIAL  SLANG. 


In  a  trade  report,  dated  from  Melbourne,  we  find  the  following  extra- 
ordinary entry : — 

"Bass's  ale  dull." 

The  statement,  made  in  the  face  of  the  known  fact  that  BASs'sale  is 
brisk,  cannot  but  be  considered  most  unscrupulous.  According  to 
commercial  intelligence  from  Foochow,  also,  "Tea"  is  "active"  and 
Congou  is  likewise  represented  as  "  active  "  by  advices  from  Shanghai, 
What  is  the  activity  of  tea  ?  Is  it  similar  to  that  of  physic  ?  Tea  used 
to  be  denounced  as  a  slow  poison  by  some  people  ;  for  slow  the  wags 
sometimes  wrote  sloe.  If  tea  is  stained  for  the  British  market  with 
mineral  colouring  matter,  it  may  well  be  poisonous  ;  perhaps  intensely 
so,  operating  not  slowly  but  with  great  rapidity.  l)o  the  latest  accounts 
from  China  suggest  no  fear  that  the  tea  which  they  describe  as  active 
may  be  an  active  poison  ? 


Notes  on  the  Cattle  Show. 


In  Class  4,  that  of  Devon  Cows,  a  prize  of  £5  was  awarded  to  Me- 
E.  Pope.     How  came  his  Holiness  not  to  win  a  prize  for  a  Bull  ? 

The  pigs  were  said  to  be  marked  by  admirable  breeding.  On  this 
occasion,  then,  they  negatived  the  old  saying :— "  What  can  you  expect 
from  a  hog  but  a  grunt  ?  " 


'December  21,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


251 


OUR    DRAMATIC    CORRESPONDENT. 


ear  Punch, 

"I    Have    to 

thank  Miss  Pyne, 
Mb.  Balfe,  and 
Mr.  Harrison  for  a 
very  pleasant  even- 
ing with  The  Purl- 
tan's  Daughter.  The 
night  when  I  at- 
tended was  the  first 
one  of  Lthe  Cattle 
Show,  but  I  cannot 
say  the  audience  pre- 
sented any  symp- 
toms of  a  marked 
bucolic  character. 
There  were  neither 
beefy  faces  nor  thick 
top  boots  in  the  pit, 
nor  did  the  audience 
in  general  betray  a 
rural  origin  by  ap- 
plauding in  wrong 
places,  and  so  put- 
ting the  actors  out. 
The  rustic  mind, 
I  fancy,  receives 
much  more  enjoy- 
ment from  the  song- 
sters of  the  supper-room  than  the  singers  of  the  Opera,  and  the 
Wondrous  Leotard  is  far  more  likely  to  attract  it  than  the  melodies 
of  Balfe  and  the  scenery  of  Calcott. 

"  Not  being  (thank  goodness  !)  a  musical  critic,  and  in  consequence 
obliged  to  keep  my  ears  upon  the  stretch  to  catch  all  failings  and 
defects,  I  enjoyed  the  opera  much,  and  need  not  hesitate  to  say  so  for 
I  've  no  character  for  critical  acerbity  to  lose.  Without  quite  endors- 
ing the  opinion  of  one  writer,  that  the  name  of  Balfe  stands  first  of  all 
English  composers,  whether  of  the  past  or  of  the  present  time,  I 
always  take  a  pleasure  in  listening  to  his  music,  and  his  latest  work  is 
even  more  than  usually  pleasant  to  me.  If  I  am  wrong  in  ranking  it 
as  his  best  composition  (not  even  excepting  the  ever-green  Bohemian 
Girl),  I  would  ascribe  my  error  to  the  care  of  Mr.  Mellon  in  getting 
up  the  opera,  and  the  generally  efficient  way  in  which  it  is  performed. 
They  who  recollect  how  English  Opera  was  treated  in  the  days  of  Mr. 
Bunn,  should  go  to  Covent  Garden  and  hear  Mr.  Mellon's  orchestra, 
and  notice  with  what  taste  the  accompaniments  are  played.  Another 
thing,  too,  they  may  notice  is,  that  now-a-days  some  pains  are  taken 
with  librettos,  and  that  the  ballads  Mr.  Balee  has  now  to  set  to  music 
are  not  such  Bedlamitish  bosh  as  they  were  in  the  old  time,  when 
'  hollow  hearts '  were  nightly  said  to  '  wear  a  mask,'  though  how  on 
earth  they  did  so  nobody  could  guess.  Despite  inanely  stupid  words, 
and  though  the  street-organs  have  done  their  worst  to  make  me  hate 
it,  I  still  retain  a  lingering  love  for  the  Bohemienne  aforesaid ;  but  for 
the  freshness  of  its  melodies,  the  Daughter  of  tJie  Puritan  is  quite 
worthy  to  be  named  with  it,  and  they  have  the  further  charm  of  not 
being  quite  so  whistleable,  so  that  our  butcher-boys,  one  hopes,  will 
not  so  easily  get  hold  of  them.  Clever  critics  may  object  that  the 
melodies,  though  pretty,  are  all  cast  in  the  same  mould,  and  may  exer- 
cise their  memories  by  humming  a  chance  phrase  and  recalling  a  twin- 
brother  in  some  other  Balfeian  work ;  but  for  myself,  I  am  quite  satis- 
fied with  simply  listening  to  the  music  in  my  unenlightened  way,  and 
not  attempting  to .  determine  whether  Mr.  Balfe  repeats  himself  (as 
most  writers  have  done),  or  in  what  precise  degree  he  falls  short  of  the 
composers  of  the  continental  schools. 

"  But  whatever  be  the  doubt  as  to  the  merits  of  the  opera,  there 
surely  can  be  none  as  to  the  manner  of  its  production.  The  band  is  so 
well  drilled  that  one  might  almost  shut  one's  eyes,  and  think  that  Apollo 
was  conducting  it ;  and  the  singers  one  and  all  do  their  best  to  win  success, 
and  deservedly  secure  it.  Miss  Pyne's  delicious  voice  is  heard  to  full 
advantage  in  a  part  exactly  suited  to_  her,  and  her  extremely  graceful 
gestures  are  a  study  which  our  choristers  would  do  well  to  try  and 
imitate,  instead  of  singing  as  they  mostly  do  with  arms  stuck  to 
their  sides  like  the  dolls  in  a  Noah's-ark.  Mr.  Harrison  moreover, 
as  the  rakish  Earl  of  Rochester,  played  a  rollicking  drunken  part  in  a 
manner  that  surprised,  not  less  than  it  pleased  me.  His  song  in  praise 
of  punch  all  punch-lovers  should  hear.  The  minor  key  redeems  it  from 
all  shade  of  vulgarity ;  and  indeed  his  acting,  no  less  than  his  singing, 
is  so  free  from  any  coarseness,  while  yet  so  droll  and  funny,  that  many 
a  'comic'  actor  might  well  receive  a  lesson  from  it.  As  for  Mr. 
Santley,  the  prettiest  ah  in  all  the  opera  is  put  into  his  mouth,  and 
he  sings  it  with  such  taste  (as  he  does  all  his  other  music)  that,  much 
as  I  hate,  detest,  and  execrate  encores,  I  really  was  not  sorry  when  the 
pitites  re- demanded  it,    Besides  having  the  merit  of  a  plot  which  is 


original  and  yet  easily  intelligible  (a  merit  which  most  operas  of  late 
have  been  without),  the  new  work  has  the  novelty  of  a  lover  who  sings 
bass  ;  and  one  might  well  incline  to  wish  the  precedent  were  followed, 
if  one  were  always  certain  of  a  voice  like  Mb.  Santley's  in  parts 
wherein  a  '  tender  tenor '  usually  is  heard. 

"  What  is  going  on  at  the  Strand  and  the  St.  James's  and  Olympic 
and  elsewhere,  I  may  have  occasion  to  speak  of  in  my  next.  Doubtless 
all  these  tlieatres  have  been  profiting  by  the  Cattle  Show,  but  I  question 
if  their  takings  equalled  those  at  the  Adelphi.  Here,  as  I  am  told,  the 
old  familiar  Colleen  Bawn  notification  of  '  House  Crammed  '  has  been 
displayed  throughout  the  week,  in  consequence  of  the  revival  (though 
it  seems  a  '  bull '  to  call  it  so)  of  that  immortal  drama.  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  Boucicault  have  had  a  hard  week's  work  in  playing  the  Colleen 
and  Octoroon  together,  but  one  really  can't  much  pity  them  when  one 
recollects  the  pay  they  have  been  earning.  One  would  almost  undertake 
the  labours  of  Hercules  upon  such  good  terms. 

"  By  the  way,  I  must  just  add  that  in  her  history  of  the  week,  the 
Clio  of  the  stage  ought  certainly  to  note  that,  in  obedient  compliance 
with  the  wishes  of  the  public,  expressed  through  'hourly'  waggon- 
loads  of  letters  to  the  author,  the  last  act  of  the  Octoroon  has  partly 
been  re-written,  and  the  drama  is  now  brought  to  a  felicitous  conclu- 
sion. Poor  Mr.  Boucicault  !  It  must  have  cost  him  a  sad  struggle 
so  to  mutilate  his  offspring,  and,  to  please  a  fickle  public,  destroy  the 
moral  aim  and  teaching  of  the  play.  I  drop  a  tear  as  I  remember  his 
letter  to  the  Times,  and  think  what  pangs  he  must  have  suffered  in 
altering  his  work.  Yet,  much  as  I  applaud  his  wish  to  give  our  playgoers 
a  lesson  in  morality,  I  must  say  I  rejoice  that  he  has  bowed  to  their 
opinion  that  they  'd  rather  be  without  it.  Suicide  is  always  an  ur  pleasant 
and  immoral  act  to  contemplate ;  and  I  shall  go  and  see  the  Octot  oon  with 
vastly  greater  willingness,  now  that  a  marriage  peal  is  substituted  for  a 
cup  of  poison,  and  by  a  few  strokes  of  the  goose-quill  the  fair  heroine 
is  saved  from  the  task  of  nightly  suffering  a  very  painful  death. 

"  One  who  Pays." 


PHOTOGRAPHIC  CARICATURES  AT  ROME. 

In  a  letter  from  Rome  it  is  stated  that — 

"  The  official  journal  of  yesterday  contains  an  edict  from  the  Cardinal  Vicar 
announcing  that  no  one  will  be  allowed  to  exercise  the  art  of  photogTaphy  without 
authorisation  from  the  Rev.  Master  of  the  Sacred  Palace,  from  the  Cardinal  Vicar, 
and  from  the  police,  under  penalty  of  50  dollars  fine.  Amateur  Photographers  are 
liable  to  the  same  regulation." 

A  maternal  government  imposes  this  restriction  on  the  personal 
liberty  of  its  subjects,  because  some  of  them  abuse  the  photographic 
art.  Provision  for  the  punishment  of  offenders  in  that  kind,  one  would 
think,  would  suffice  to  meet  the  case ;  and  their  correction  has  been 
tolerably  well  provided  for  by  the  arrangements  thus  specified : — 

"  The  producers  and  distributors  of  indecent  photographic  plates  are  to  lose  their 
instruments,  to  be  fined  100  dollars,  and  to  be  sent  to  the  galleys  for  a  year  ;  the 
same  penalty  to  be  inflicted  on  the  models  who  may  have  served  for  such  produc- 
tions." 

Serve  them  right.  But  what  cause  has  the  Roman  public  to  thank 
the  papal  Government  for  giving  it  the  benefit  of  an  improvement  on 
Lord  Campbell's  Act  ?     We  further  read  that — 

"It  is  stated  that  this  edict  .  .  .  was  absolutely  called  for  by  the  recent 
clandestine  publication  of  some  very  scandalous  photographic  representations  in 
which  the  heads  of  the  Pope,  Cardinal  Antonelli,  the  Queen  of  Naples,  and 
other  persons  of  high  rank,  were  placed  on  the  bodies  of  other  individuals  in  such  a 
skilful  manner  as  to  deceive  any  spectator,  and  with  such  a  disregard  not  only  to 
delicacy,  but  also  to  decency,  as  fully  justifies  the  measures  adopted  by  the  Cardinal 
Vicar." 

Would  his  Eminence  have  interfered  with  the  licentious  photo- 
graphers if  they  had  placed  the  heads  of  Garibaldi,  Victor-Emmanuel, 
the  Emperor  of  the  French,  Lord  Palmerston,  John  Bull,  and 
Mr.  Punch,  in  the  same  vile  relations  as  those  in  which  they  put  the 
upper  storeys  of  Antonelli,  the  Queen  of  Naples,  and  his  Holiness, 
or  m  any  relations  however  vile  ?  And  if  the  head  of  the  Pope  were 
put  on  the  body  of  a  figure  in  pontificals  blessing  a  Neapolitan  brigand, 
that  of  the  Queen  of  Naples  on  the  shoulders  of  Moll  Fktgon,  and 
Antonelli's  on  those  of  Fra  Diavolo,  would  not  the  Cardinal  Vicar 
consider  the  photographs  so  composed  as  exhibiting  a  grievous  dis- 
regard to  decency  as  well  as  to  delicacy  ?  It  is  no  doubt  sacrilege  as 
well  as  high  treason  at  Rome  anyhow  to  take  off  the  head  of  the 
Church.  What  a  wonder  the  Sun  lends  himself  to  such  an  enormity  ! 
Cannot  Pius  excommunicate  Phcebus  ? 


A  Queer  Sort  of  Cow. 

A  "Gardener"  in  the  Times  wanting  a  place,  advertises  that  he 
would  " Not  object  to  a  cow  if  single-handed."  Who  would?  Who 
would  object  to  a  cow  with  two  hands,  for  the  matter  of  that  ?  In- 
deed two  hands  would  be  better  than  one  for  a  cow  to  have,— and  such 
a  cow,  instead  of  being  at  all  objectionable,  would  be  far  preferable  to 
any  other ;  if  her  hands  enabled  her  owner  to  dispense  with  a  nvilkinan. 


252 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[December  21,  1861. 


RESULT  OF  THE  CATTLE  SHOW. 

Farmer  Slimbody  to  Farmer  Fullbody.  "  Well,  I'm  dead  agin'  Hiyli  Fccdin'. 
What's  the  -use  of  a  Great  Fat  Brute  that 's  half  Tailor  !  " 


A  DISH  OF  LAVA. 

We  are  disappointed  with  Vesuvius.  We  had  hoped  better  things  from  that  old 
and  respectable,  if  rather  fiery  party,  than  that  at  a  moment  like  this  he  should  be 
so  excited  by  the  state  of  affairs  in  Italy  as  to  lend  himself  to  the  general  perturba- 
tion. But  he  has  burst  out  into  a  furious  eruption,  and  is  frightening  away  the 
people,  and  swallowing  up  vdlages,  just  as  the  Dragon  of  Wautley  used  to  do.  It 
is  inconsiderate,  and  what  is  worse,  it  is  self-humiliating.  We  would  apologise  for 
the  old  mountain,  but  hardly  know  what  to  say.  Does  he  recollect  the  days  when 
Spartacus,  with  a  band  of  slaves  and  gladiators,  took  possession  of  his  fastnesses  ? 
and  does  he  think  the  Italian  brigands  of  our  day  unworthy  to  fill  the  place  of  men 
who  fought  for  freedom  ?  Does  he  remember  that  in  472  he  sent  his  ashes  as  far 
as  Constantinople,  according  to  the  historians,  and  does  he  want  to  give  the  Sultan 
Abdul-Aziz  a  hint  that  he  will  have  to  put  other  ashes  on  his  head  if  he  does  not 
mind  what  he  is  about  ?  We  are  not  in  the  old  crater's  confidence,  and  cannot 
say ;  but  unless  he  can  give  a  very  good  reason  for  his  inflammatory  conduct,  we 
do  not  think  that  he  is  behaviug  well  to  Italy.  He  has  destroyed  that  unlucky 
Torre  del  Greco  exactly  twenty-five  times,  and  there  is  a  monotony,  arguing  aridity 
ot  intellect,  about  his  proceedings.  We  scorn  to  hint  to  him  that  there  are  several 
quacks  in  England  who  advertise  remedies  against  all  eruptions,  and  that  we  should 
have  no  objection  to  throw  such  remedies,  and  the  advertisers,  into  his  chasms, 
though  such  is  our  feeling.  His  years  and  history  entitle  him  to  reverence— Shake- 
sperially  speaking, 

"  Respect  for  thy  great  place,  and  let  the  —  Mountain 
Be  sometime  honoured  for  his  burning  throne. 

But  if  Vesvius,  alias  Vesevus,  alias  Vesuvius,  has  any  good  feeling  in  his  inwards, 
he  will  be  quiet  for  the  present.  We  suspect  the  old  rebel  does  not  like  good 
sovereigns :  his  first  break -out  was  under  Titus,  the  Delight  of  Mankind,  and  his 


last  is  under  Victor-Emmanuel,  who  may  not  be  perfect 
but  is  far  and  away  the  best  king  Italy  has  had  for  many  a 
century.  We  fear  the  Mountain  has  .the  revolutionary 
tendencies  of  its  French  namesake. 


SAVING  THE  OCTOROON. 

Upon  the  couch  she  lies  so  pale — 

'Tis  but  a  graceful  swoon ; 
What  ?  Poison  ? — nay— 'tis  sure  a  tale, 
He  '11  never  thus  our  hearts  assail, 

And  kill  the  Octoroon  ! 

Say,  Boucicault,  that  she  survives  ! 

Grant  us  this  public  boon  ; 
If  cats  are  blessed  with  nine-fold  lives. 
Give  two  to  her,  this  pearl  of  wives, 

Don't  kdl  the  Octoroon  ! 

There  still  is  time :  that  negress  might 

By  the  uncertain  moon, 
A  phial  give,  which  though  to  sight 
The  same,  would  op'rate  different  quite. 

Nor  kill  the  Octoroon  ? 

McCloslnj  fall'n  by  Indian  blow, 

(Or  to  fall  very  soon) 
Cannot  appear  to  bid  her  go, 
Then  why  that  fact  not  let  her  know, 

And  save  the  Octoroon. 

True  Peyton  has  another  flame, 

Is  somewhat  of  a  spoon  ; 
But  give  him  up,  Miss  What's-your-name, 
You  must  admit  'twould  be  a  shame 

To  kill  the  Octoroon. 

So  say  I,  and  the  public  voice 

Sings  to  the  self-same  tune, 
It 's  not  as  if  you  had  no  choice— 
Wliv  break  the  hearts  you  can  rejoice  ? 

Why  kill  the  Octoroon  ? 

Don't  tell  us  that  the  thing  must  be, 

You  're  far  too  'cute  a  "coon ; 
To  be  so  reg'lar  up  a  tree, 
You  can't  find  a  catastrophe 

That  saves  the  Octoroon. 

Of  law  supreme,  fate,  and  such  rot, 
Preach  on  from  this  to  June  ; 

1  say — necessity  or  not — 

Poor  Zoe  must  not  go  to  pot — 
Don't  kill  the  Octoroon  ! 

What  if  your  logic  comes  to  grief, 
When  thus  your  play  you  prune  ? 

I  still  insist  on  the  relief, 

Both  to  my  nerves  and  handkerchief — 
Don't  kill  the  Octoroon! 

Untruth  to  manners  I'll  admit, 

Though  clear  as  sun  at  noon ; 
"  Anything  else  we  '11  stand  or  sit, 
But  this,"  cry  boxes,  gallerv,  pit, 

"  Don't  kill  the  Octoroon." 

The  author  heard ;  he  rubbed  his  chin : 

"  They'll  call  me  a  poltroon. 
But,  if  her  death  the  houses  thin, 
Perhaps  'tis  time  I  should  begin 

To  save  the  Octoroon. 

"  Tragic  necessity,  good-bye — 
And  manners  change  your  tune  ; 

The  public  voice  I  '11  ratify — 

My  pretty  Zoe  shall  not  die — 
I'll  save  the  Octoroon." 

'Tis  said  :  'tis  done  ;  and  now  the  play 

Goes  blithe  as  songs  of  June  : 
Miss  What's-her-name's  put  out  o'  way, 
Zoe  weds  George.    Hip  !  hip  !  Hooray  ! 

We  've  saved  the  Octoroon  ! 


LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


253 


THE  NEW  PAGE  HONESTLY  ACCOUNTS  FOR  HIS  HONESTY. 

"/  am  glad  to  perceive,  Dixy,  that  you  are  a  good  hoy,  and  do  not  make  free  with  the  Almonds 
and  Raisins." 


"  Halmomds  and  Raisings,  Mum?    No,  Mum,  not  if  I  knows  it ! 
Mum,  they  did!     They  'd  Counted  'em,  they  'ad/" 


Why  they  caught  mc  once, 


LOVE  AND  ARSENIC. 

A  Painted  Indian  and  a  Sparkling  Flirt. 
Companion  pictures — both  bent  upon  and  armed 
for  conquest.  Through  tangled  forests  he  pursues 
his  enemy — in  mazy  dance  she  watches  for  her 
opportunity.  Their  aims  are  different — their 
means  not  widely  so ;  for  if  he  relies  on  his  arrow 
tipped  with  bane,  has  she  not  equal  faith  in  her 
wreath  with  arsenious  verdure  clad  ? 

If  that  will  kill  an  eagle  on  the  cliff,  will  this 
not  charm  a  Captain  in  the  Guards  ? 
Burke  was  mistaken.    Chivalry  is  not  dead, 

'  but  has  changed  her  residence  and  vocation. 
The  stout  knight  has  doffed  his  burnished  casque, 
and  pants  not  for  glory  but  prize  pigs.  The 
enchantress  of  May  Fair,  however,  still  exacts 
that  homage  suit  and  service  which  were  charac- 
teristic of  feudal  times.  The  knight  had  his 
squire,  who  attended  him  to  the  battle-held — 
carried  his  shield  round  as  _  the  moon— fought, 
fell,  and  with  his  failing  vision  proudly  saw  his 
patron  crowned  with  laurels.  So  the  imperious 
beauty  has  her  trusty  flower-maker,  who  having 
stained  the  deadly  leaves  which  render  conquest 
certain,  draws  her  last  breath  of  poison-dust  as 
Belinda,  the  invincible,  smiles  on  the  captive 
kneeling  at  her  feet. 
Does  the  parallel  halt  here  ?     Oh !  no.     The 

;  grateful  knight,  in  honour  of  his  squire,  placed 
an  humble  tablet  to  his  memory.  _  In  like 
manner  we  read  with  feelings  of  serious  satis- 

!  faction  that  a  cenotaph  is  being  raised  at  Drip- 
ping Well  or  Moonlight  Glen,  to  commemorate 
the  devotion  of  the  flower-maker.  The  inscrip- 
tion and  design  are  striking.  In  bas-relief  is_  a 
sick  girl,  bending  over  a  green  wreath,  and  within 

,  the  green  wreath,   are  these  touching  truthful 

lines- 
She  died 

For  Constance,  Love  and  Beauty. 


THE    AMERICAN    EXHIBITION. 

Ms.  Punch  has  great  pleasure  in  announcing,  in  the  most  officious 
manner,  that  the  directors  of  the  International  Exhibition  have  not  for- 
gotten the  possibility  of  the  absence  of  Voluntary  Contributions  from 
the  Northern  States  of  America.  The  subject  has  been  taken  into 
grave  consideration,  and  negotiations  have  been  entered  into  with  the 
Lords  of  the  Admiralty  and  the  Commander-in-Chief,  in  order  to  the 
adoption  of  means  for  supplying  this  deficiency,  should  it  unfortunately 
occur.  Without  entering  into  details,  (as  the  whole  arrangement  may 
be  rendered  unnecessary  by  the  arrival  of  Messrs.  Mason  and  Slidell 
about  the  28th  December)  Mr.  Punch  begs  to  say,  that  in  the  event  of 
the  Federals  declining  to  send  contributions  to  the  Exhibition,  the  space 
now  appropriated  to  such  articles  will  be  supplied  through  the  exertions 
of  gentlemen  comiected  with  our  naval  and  military  service,  and  that 
among  the  Involuntary  Contributions  from  the  North  will  be  the 
following  articles  : — 

1.  The  Palls  of  Niagara  (American  portion) — by  the  kind  permission 
of  the  Canadian  authorities,  and  to  be  returned  when  done  with. 

2.  The  American  Eagle. — The  interesting  animal  will  be  provided  with 
a  large  supply  of  its  natural  food,  namely,  Bunkum,  to  be  obtained  from 
the  offices  of  the  New  York  newspapers. 

3.  Several  bottles  of  Hail  of  Columbia. 

4.  Curious  assortment  of  Stumps,  on  which  patriotic  oratory  has  been 
delivered  for  some  years,  with  the  happy  consequences  now  before  the 
world. 

5.  Several  Platforms,  forming  a  further  portion  of  the  Stump 
machinery. 

6.  The  White  House — name  of  "Lincoln  "  on  the  brass-plate. 

7.  The  coat  in  which  Mr.  James  Gordon  Bennett,  editor  of  the 
New  York  Herald,  was  whipped  by  Eleazar  P.  Growky. 

8.  The  coat  in  which  Mr.  James  Gordon  Bennett,  editor  of  the 
New  York  Herald,  was  cowhided  by  Phineas  X.  Blazer. 

9.  The  coat  in  which  Mr.  James  Gordon  Bennett,  editor  of  the 
New  York  Herald,  was  thrashed  by  Ebenezer  V.  Whopple. 

10.  A  collection  of  nineteen  whips  with  which  Mr.  James  Gordon 
Bennett,  editor  of  the  New  York  Herald,  was  at  various  times  flogged 
by  nineteen  slandered  citizens. 

11.  The  boots  with  which  Mr.  James  Gordon  Bennett,  editor  of 
the  New  York  Herald,  was  lacked  by  Epaminondas  J.  Buffer. 


12.  Six  pans  of  highlows,  and  five  pans  of  shoes,  with  which  eleven 
other  slandered  citizens  have  at  various  times  annotated  the  editorial 
labours  of  Mr.  James  Gordon  Bennett,  editor  of  the  New  York 
Herald. 

13.  Remains  of  the  brandy-smash  in  which  Mr.  Seward  pledged 
himself  to  insult  England  on  the  earliest  opportunity,  and  the  glasses 
from  which  his  sixteen  previous  brandy-smashes  had  been  imbibed  by 
that  statesman. 

14.  Flags  of  the  Southern  Confederacy,  captured  by  th  e  Armies  of  the 
North.  (Promised  conditionally  only,  in  the  event  of  such  flags  being 
discoverable.) 

15.  The  Declaration  of  Independence.- -To  be  reverently  preserved, 
and  returned  to  the  North  when  a  statesman,  worthy  to  fill  the  place 
of  George  Washington,  shall  demand  it. 

16.  Specimens  of  Jerusalem  Snakes^  Ringtailed  Roarers,  Regular 
Opossums,  and  other  curiosities  of  American  natural  history. 

17.  A  B' hoy. —It  will  be  interesting  to  compare  tins  animal  with  his 
superior,  but  a  member  of  the  same  genus,  the  Gorilla. 

18.  Specimens  of  American  Editorial  Writings.  (Disinfecting  fluid 
will  be  found  in  the  same  case,  and  labelled  "  Common  Sense.") 

19.  Secret  Treaty  for  the  Partition  of  England  between  the  Emperor 
of  Russia,  Mr.  Seward,  and  the  King  of  the  Cannibal  Islands. 

_  20.  Mr.  Brigham  Young,  the  latest  ally  of  the  North,  and  model  of 
his  Seraglio. 

21.  The  original  Book  of  Mormon,  as  about  the  only  original  work 
which  xYDierica  has  produced  since  Knickerbocker's  History. 

22.  Specimens  of  American  Apes,  and  Naturalised  Irishmen,  stuffed. 


A  Safe  Delivery  and  a  Wise  Deliverance  from  War. 

Within  the  last  few  weeks  there  has  been  a  General  Gaol  Delivery 
in  England.  We  should  like  to  see  the  same  thing  take  place  in 
America.  For  instance,  if  the  Washington  Government  would  only 
open  the  door  of  the  prison  in  which  Messrs.  Mason  and  Slidell 
are  confined,  and  set  them  free,  what  a  fearful  difficulty  would  be 
overcome  !  War  may  be  said  to  hinge  on  the  portal  of  that  very  prison- 
door.  It  is  a  kind  of  modern  Temple  of  Janus,  expressing  Peace  or 
War,  either  as  it  is  opened,  or  closed.  Let  us  hope  that  the  friendship 
of  two  such  great  nations  as  England  and  America  will  never  be  buried 
in  those  odious  "  Tombs ! " 


25i 


PUNCH.   OR   THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[December  21,  1861. 


A    PERFECT    CURE. 

Our  Cabby.  '''Stonishing  to  mc  tiwrc  ain't  move  Accidents  along  o' these 'ere  Fountains. 

Flask  of  Old  Tom  or  what  not  about  ycr,  and  ycr  can't  come  to  no  h 


Always  carry  a 


THE  MAIDEN  ELECTION. 

A  New  Constituency  may  be  ex- 
cused a  little  excitement  at  the 
first  exercise  of  its  privilege ;  and 
if  Birkenhead  did  make  a  riot,  it 
chose  a  respectable  man,  and  shall 
not  be  called  the  borough  of  Bro- 
kenhead.  Nothing  was  broken  at 
Mb.  Laird's  return,  except  some 
promises  and  the  peace,  and  alto- 
gether the  maiden  election  has 
passed  off  creditably.  Now,  Mr. 
Laird  must  distinguish  himself  in 
Parliament,  and  not  be  a  King 
Log,  as  we  have  a  young  man  from 
Scotland  quite  ready  with  a  parody 
on  "  0  Loggie  the  Laird"  which  we 
assure  Mr.  L.  we  had  much  rather 
not  use. 


WHAT  A  RHYME  ! 

When  Yule  logs  are  roasting, 
And  Englishmen  toasting, 
One  toast  will  be  drunk  univer- 
sally : 
"  May  excitable  Italy 
Behave  herself  prettily, 
And    luck   to     bold  Baron   Ri- 
casoli." 


Unlearned  Figs. 

A  Scientific  agriculturist,  dur- 
ing the  Cattle  Show,  was  met  in 
the  street,  exhibiting  an  aspect 
of  deep  dejection.  On  being 
asked  what  was  the  matter  with 
him,  he  replied  that  his  pigs  had 
been  plucked. 


A  QUESTIONABLE  READING. 

The  following  item  of  fashionable  intelligence  may  suggest  a  doubt 
to  some  of  our  country  readers,  and  others  who  are  not  duly  aware  who 
is  who : — 


'■  Edwards's 
Paris." 


Hotel. — Arrivals:    Me.  Thtjrlow  Weed  and    Miss  Weed,  fi-oir 


It  may  be  readily  apprehended  that  the  Weed  family  is  as  ancient  as 
any  that  ever  flourished  on  a  landed  estate,  or  in  Spring  Gardens,  or 
any  other  aristocratic  territory.  The  planta  genista  belonged  to  this 
family  indeed— the  Plantagenets  were  originally  Weeds.  There  is 
no  difficulty  in  numbering  the  Weeds  among  the  flowers  of  fashion, 
and  including  them  within  the  higher  classes  and  orders.  But  when  a 
certain  fashionable  peculiarity  of  speech  is  considered,  the  way  in  which 
mauy  members  of  the  aristocracy'are  accustomed  to  pronounce  a  certain 
consonant,  some  doubt  will  arise  whether  Weed,  in  the  above  announce- 
ment, really  means  Weed,  or  another  surname.  May  not  Edwards's 
waiter,  it  will  be  surmised,  have  booked  the  name  of  Weed  as  he  heard  it 
uttered,  without  taking  the  precaution  to  look  aud  see  how  it  was  spelt 
on  the  trunks  of  the  guests  newly  arrived  ?  Had  he  made  that  inspec- 
tion, might  he  not  have  discovered  that  the  initial  letter  of  the  name 
given  him  orally — by  the  footman  perhaps — as  beginning  with  W,  was 
really  R?  Why,  no,  rustic  and  uninformed  friends.  The  Weeds,  we 
believe,  have  grown  among  an  Upper  Ten  Thousand  that  can  at  least 
pronounce  then  own  names. 

Mr.  Thurlow  Weed,  in  sort,  is  a  Weed  imported  from  America,  of 
decidedly  Northern  produce.  He  is  not  a  rank  Yankee  Weed,  but,  on 
the  contrary,  quite  a  mild  one ;  mild,  however,  as  this  Weed  is,  he  is 
not  too  mild  for  us  to  smoke  him. 


Good  Advice. 

Columbia's  stars  said  to  Columbia's  stripes, 
"Eleven  of  us  out  Secession  wipes." 

Columbia's  stripes  said  to  Columbia's  stars, 
"  To  put  'em  in  again,  don't  call  on  Mars  : 

No  Union's  possible,  where  he  shows  face, 
Our  stripes  he'll  double,  not  our  stars  replace," 


JACK  TRUNNION  ON  THE  AMERICAN  DIFFICULTY. 

"  my  dear  old  punch, — i  ave  jest  cum  ashore  arfter  a  3  years  crews 
and  bin  hovorhawlin  1  of  them  penny  goose  papers  Wich  reminds  Me 
of  a  Die-all  as  i  wunce  bort  of  a  Jarman  klockmaker  in  Humbug  Wich 
had  neither  Mane-spring  nor  reglater. — Well  in  this  isd.  goose  paper 
i  sees  a  hartikl  kaul'd  the  '  Merican  Difficulty.'  It  may  Be  a  merican 
but  i  beg  'spectfuly  2  say  that  there  never  wass  sich  a  word  In  the  Dick 
Shun  hairy  of  a  english  Sailor  as  that  Land  luberly  ski  blue  milk  and 
water  I  a  diliculty  and  i  d'woutly  ope  aud  bleeve  has  there  never  Will 
be  wile  hold  Ingland  as  got  A  shot  in  Her  locker,  and  i  beg  hallso 
spectfuly  2  say  That  iff  the  penny  goose  editer  Who  my  old  arnt 
betsey  ( bless  Her  iis)  woodnt  ave  aloud  2  Wipe  Her  specktakels  shows 
his  Face  Aboord  of  H.  M.  S.  '  Flip '  me  and  mi  mates  aye  Sworn  on 
hour  baccy  Box's,  that  We'll  Shave  im  as  we  old  It  harut  rite  nor  prop- 
per  that  A  iudiwidyal  Should  show  sich  airs  wen  he  sees  the  Becrd  of 
the  british  Lyon  pull'd  by  a  tarnaslmu  yanky  and  kaids  It  a  Dificulty ! 

"  Jack  Trunnion,  a.  B. 

"H.M.S.  Flip." 

"  N.B.  if  captin  winkles  aud  is  Merry  men  will  Honor  H.  M.  S;  '  Flip ' 
With  awiset  we  shall  Feel  no  Dificulty  in  Din  our  lit'l  acount  with  him. 
But  i  don't  ann  tis  a  pate  he  wil  axept  This  hinwitaslmm  seein  that  the 
hods  in  his  Favor  so  far  has  numbers  goes  Wood  be  rayther  Less  than 
10—2—1."  "J.  R." 


The  Fate  of  Peacemakers  in  America. 

Were  Pease  in  Yankee-land,  is  he  aware 
How  he  would,  probably,  be  treated  there  ? 
His  plans  and  preachments  as  peacemaker  foiled, 
Pease  would  be  tarred  and  feather'd— nay  p'raps  uoil'd. 


TWO   GOOD   REASONS. 


The  ever-green  Palmerston,  of  Dover,  has  challenged  the  Indian 
Deerfoot  to  a  foot-race.  The  Indian  shirks  the  challenge :  first,  because 
he  is  afraid  of  being  beaten  by  the  light-hearted  and  active  Premier  ; 
and  secondly,  because  Deerfoot  is  very  fond  of  money,  and  if  he  won, 
would  be  outrunning  the  Constable. 


Printed  br  William  Bradbury,  of  No.  13,  Upper  Woburn  Place,  and  Fredericfc  Mullett  Evans,  of  No.  19,  Queen's  Road  West,  Kelt's  Fark,  both  lo  the  Parish  of  St.  Pancras,  In  the  C'untyof rMldflJesex, 
Printers,  at  their  Office  in  Lombard  Street.  In  the  FrecincS  of  Whitefriare,  iu  the  City  of  LoBdou,  and  Published  by  them  at  Nc.  8b,  Fleet  Street,  in  the  Parish  of  St.  Bnne,  m  the  fcttyoi  linden.- 
EiTOBDi?,  December  21, 1861, 


This  day  is  Published,  Price  2s.  6d. , 

PUNCH'S    POCKET-BOOK    FOR    1862. 

With  a  Coloured  Illustration  (THE  GAME  OF  CROQUET)  by  John  Leech,  and  numerous  Woodcuts  by  John  Leech 

ani  John  Tenniel. 

PUBLISHED  AT  THE  PUNCH  OFFICE,  85,  FLEET  STREET,  and  sold  by  all  Booksellers  in  Town  and  Country. 


SOLD 


BOOKSELLERS. 


PUNCH'S    TWENTY    ALMANACKS. 

1842  to  1801.     Bound  in  Cloth.     Price  5s.  6d. 

PUNCH'S    TEN    ALMANACKS. 

1812  to  1851.     Price  2s.  6d. 

PUNCH'S    TEN    ALMANACKS. 

Second  Series.     1852  to  1861.     Price  2s.  6d. 
Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


PUNCH   EE-ISSUE. 

Tho  DOUBLE  VOLUME  for  1846,  (Vols.  10  and  11)  Cloth  gilt,  Price  10s.  6c?.    Also 

Vol.  11,  Price  5s.  in  boards,  will  both  be  published  on  the  31st  instant. 

The  following  are  already  published:   Vol.  1  (for  1841),  6s.  ;  Vols.  2  and  3  (1842) 

10s.  6d,  ;  Vols.  4  and  5  (1843),  10s.  6d.  ;  Vols.   6  and  7  (1844),  10s.  6d. ;  Vols.  8  and  9 

(1845),  10s.  6d.—  Any  Vol.  or  Double  Vol.  may  always  be  had. 

Bradbury  &  Evans,  11,  Bouverie  Street,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— December  28,  1861. 


COMPLETION 


Off 


Conducted  by 


IS  KNIGHT. 


THE  ENGLISH  CYCLOPAEDIA  IS  PUBLISHED  IN  EOUE  DIVISIONS,  EACH   DIVISION  BEING 
COMPLETE  IN  ITSELF,  AND  SOLD  AS  A  SEPARATE  "WORK. 


GEOGRAPHY, 


4  ¥olsI?  £2    2  0  or  2  Vols.,  half  morocco,  £2  10  0 

6  Vols.,     3    0  0       3  Vols,,            „              3  12  0 

BATURAL  HISTORY,             4  Vols.,    2    2  0       2  Vols,,            „              2  10  0 

ARTS  AND  SCIENCES,          8  Vols.,    4  16  0       4  Vols.            „              5  12  0 

*,.,*  For  full  details,  .see  Prospectus,  which  may  he  had  from  the  Publishers,  or  through  any  Bookseller. 


BRADBURY  AND  EVANS,  11,  BOUVERIE  STREET,  FLEET  STREET,   E.C. 


Now  ready,  8vo,  Price  10s.  Sd.,  cloth, 

THE   EXTRA   VOLUME   OE 

JL  LONDON  LABOUR  AND  THE 
LONDON  POOR.  Comprising  Prostitutes, Thieves, 
Swindlers,  and  Beggars.    With  Illustrations. 

London:  Griffin,  Boun  &  Co.,  10,  Stationers' 
Hall  Court. 


'"'•. 


LETTS'S  PUBLICATIONS 
for  MS.  PURPOSES  are  sold  by  every 
Booksellerin  the  Kingdom,  andembrace— 

LIBRARY  CATALOGUES,  from  5«.  to  45s.— 
ANALYTICAL  INDICES,  from  4s.  to  Ills.— EX- 
TRACT BOOKS,  from  3s.  firf.  to  10s.— HOUSE- 
KEEPERS, Weekly  and  Annual,  from  2s.— RENT, 
CELLAR,  STABLE,  and  GAME  BOOKS,  from 
2s.  M.— SCIENTIFIC  LOG  BOOK,  for  noting 
Meteorological  data,  &e— READING  EASELS  for 
INVALIDS,  20s.  to  M-i  4s. —  DIARIES,  in  above 
100  varieties  of  form,  size,  and  price,  combining 
FRENCH  with  ENGLISH  daysof  week  and  month. 

Descriptive  Catalogues,  with  Almanack  for  1862, 
gratis.— Letts,  Son,  &  Co.,  London.  E.C,  Station- 
ers and  Mapsellers. 


TOE  EXHIBITION  ALBUM 

■«■  FOR  1S62,  Illustrated  by  Brandakd, 
contains  Vocal  and  Instrumental  Music,  by  the 
following  eminent  authors— Verdi,  Stephen  Glover, 
Coote,  George  Linley,  Tinney,  &c.  Elegantly  bound, 
for  presentation,  Price  21s. 

London:    Brewer  &  Co., '23,    Bishopsgate   Street 
Within. 


FROM     OCTOBER    5,    THE 
ATHENiEUM  lias  been  Threepence. 


gANG.STERS' 

Bilk  and  Alpaca 
Umbrellas,    and    Sun 
Shades,  on  Fox's  Pa- 
ragon Frames. 
140,  Regent  Street,  W. ; 
94,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. ; 
10,  RoyalExchange.E.C. 
75,  Cheapside,  E.C. 
SHIPPERS  SUPPLIED. 


ALEXANDER  R0BB, 
FAMILY  and  EXPORT  BISCUIT 
BAKER  and  CONFECTIONER, begs  to  acknow- 
ledge, with  grateful  thanks,  the  long  continued 
patronage  of  his  FRIENDS  and  the  PUBLIC,  and 
to  call  their  attention  to  his  Show  of 

CHRISTMAS  AND  TWELFTH-DAY  CAKES, 
Now  preparing,  and  which  this  Season  will  beof  the 
usual   choice  and  elegant    description,  many  New 
and  Tasteful  Decoratioua  being  selected  and  intro- 
duced. 
CHRISTMAS    CAKES,    ORNAMENTED,  Is.  6d. 

per  lb.     TWELFTH-DAY  CAKES, 

First  Quality,  highly  decorated,  2s.  per  lb.    Second 

ditto,  Is.  M.  per  lb.    Third  ditto,  for  Juveniles,  Is. 

per  lb.    A  large  Assortment  of  SAVOY,  ALMOND, 

and  other  CAKES  (in  Moulds),  Is.  Sil.  per  lb. 

POUND  CAKES,  l«.4rf.  per  lb. 
RATAFIAS  and  MACCAKOONS,  Is.  8d.  ner  lb 

SCOTCH  BUNS,  Is.  3d.  per  lb. 

SCOTCH    SHORT    I'.READ,  („l   I,,.,,.,.,.,  (ake 

ASSORTED  CASES  OF  BISCUITS,  for  Presents, 

2s.  6d.  and  upwards. 
PASTRY  of  every  description,  CREAMS,  ICES, 

JELLIES,  &c. 
A  large  STOCK  of  WEDDING  CAKES  always  on 

hand. — Manufactory, 

79,  ST.  MARTIN'S  LANE,  CHARING  CROSS, 

Delivery  by  Cart  to  all  parts  of  Town  daily. 


|JEW     YEAR'S    GIFTS-A 

>*>»  PERFUMED  piece  of  original  Music 
presented  to  all  purchasers  above  the  amount  of  5s. 
at  any  of  Rimmel's  Establishments.  96,  Strand.  24, 
Cornhill,  or  Crystal  Palace,  where  will  be  found  an 
immense  variety  of  elegant  novelties  suitable  for 
presents. 


ROYAL    GALLERY    OF    ILLUSTRATION. 

14,  REGENT  STREET,  "WATERLOO  PLACE. 


•>.. 


ABOUT  LONDON. 


WITH  ILLUSTRATIONS,  MODELS,  AND  MAPS. 

MONDAY,  JANUARY  6,  1862, 

And  every  succeeding  Monday,  Wednesday,  and  Friday,  at  Three  o'clock  ;  and  every 
Saturday  Evening  at  Eight. 

Stall  Chairs,  5s.     Stalls,  3s.     Unreserved  Seats,  2s.,  Is. 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  German  Reed's  Entertainment  as  usual  every  Evening  (except  Saturday) 
at  S  ;  Thursday  and  Saturday  Afternoons  at  3. 


REPEAL  OF  THE  PAPER  DUTY. 
THE  WAVERLEY  NOVELS  will  be  published  in  MONTHLY 
Volumes,  price  ONE  SHILLING  each,  commencing  1st  January* 
1862.  The  whole  Series  will  be  completed  in  25  vols,  f cap.  8vo., 
and  will  contain  cdl  the  Author's  Introductions.  Notes  and  latest, 
Emendations. 

Edinburgh,  November  25,  1861. 


Dfi.  DE  JONGH'S 

(Knight  of  the  Order  of  Leopold  of  Belgium) 


Prescribed  by  the  most  eminent  Medical  Mori  throughout  the  world  as  the  safest,  speediest, 

and  most  effectual  remedy  for 

CONSUMPTION,   CHRONIC   BRONCHITIS,  ASTHMA,  COUGHS,    RHEUMATISM,  GOUT, 

GENERAL   DEBILITY,   DISEASES  OF   THE   SKIN,    RICKETS,  INFANTILE  WASTING, 

AND  ALL  SCROFULOUS  AFFECTIONS, 

Is  incomparably  Superior  to  every  other  Variety. 

SELECT    MEDICAL    OPINIONS  : 

SIR  HENRY  MARSH,  Bart.,  M.D.,  Physician  in  Ordinary  to  the  Queen  in 
Ireland. — "  I  consider  Dr.  de  Jongh's  Cod  Liver  Oil  to  be  a  very  pure  Oil,  not  likely  to  create 
disgust,  and  a  therapeutic  agent  of  great  value." 

SIB,  JOSEPH  OLLIFFS,  M.D.,  Physician  to  tho  British  Embassy  at  Paris.— 
"  I  have  frequently  prescribed  Dr.  de  Jongh's  Light  Brown  Cod  Liver  Oil,  and  I  have  every 
reason  to  be  satisfied  with  its  beneficial  and  salutary  effects." 

DR.  LaNKESTER,  P.R.S.— "I  deem  the  Cod  Liver  Oil  sold  under  Dr.  de  Jongh's 
guarantee  to  be  preferable  to  any  other  kind  as  regards  genuineness  and  medicinal  efficacy." 

DS.  LAWRANOE,  Physician  to  H.R.H.  the  Duke  of  Saxe-Coburg  and  Gotha.— "I 
invariably  prescribe  Dr.  de  Jongh's  Oil  in  preference  to  any  other,  feeling  assured  that  I  am 
recommending  a  genuine  article,  and  not  a  manufactured  compound  in  which  the  efficacy  of 
this  invaluable  medicine  is  destroyed."     

Dr.  db  Jongh's  Light-Brown  Cod  Liver  Oil  is  sold  only  in  imperial  half-pints,  2s.  Gd. ; 
pints,  4s.  9d.  ;  quarts  9s. ;  capsuled  and  labelled  with  his  stamp  and  signature,  without  which 
none  can  possibly  be  genuine,  by  respectable  Chemists. 

Sole  Consignees  :— ANSAR,  HARFORD    &  Co.,  77,  Strand,  London,  W.C. 
CAUTION. — Beware  of  Proposed  Substitutions. 


0     S     E     P     H  AH 

Boys'  Clothing  and  Outfitting  House, 
150,  Regent  Street. 


'   s 


JOSEPH  AN 

Boys'  Dress  Suits,  25s.  to  45s. 

School  Suits,  10s.  6d.  to  21s.,  at 

150,  Regent  Street. 


0.    '    s 


JOSEPH  AH 

Boys'  Inverness  Capes,  10s.  Gd.  to  21s. 
"Over  Coats,  10s.  6U  to  28s.,  at 
150,  Regent  Street. 


C     0.    '    s 


T  0ND0N  SOCIETY :  A  HEW 

■5m  Illustrated  Monthly  Magazine  of  Light 
and  Amusing  Literature,  for  the  Hours  of  Relax- 
ation.  The  First  Number  will  appear  on  Februaiy  1 
1862.  All  Literary  and  Artistic  Communications 
should  be  addressed  to  the  Editor, 

Office:  49,  Fleet  Street,  E.C. 


IS  GASTRIC  EE- 

VER?    For  Explanation,  Symptoms, 

and  Treatment,  see  the   "  Physician,-'    No.  1,  Id 

Monthly,  at  all  Newsvendors  and  Railway  Stations 

Sent  free  for  3  stamps. 

Office:  39,  Great  Castle  Street,  Regent  Street,  W 


MR.  MARKWELL,  WINI 
Merchant  to  Her  Majesty,  Nos.  35  t< 
10,  and  45,  Albemarle  Street,  and  4,  Stafford  Street 
Piccadilly,  London,  W.  Naval  and  Military  Messe 
supplied.  Receipts  for,  and  Compounds  of,  Ameri 
can  Drinks.  The  still  and  sparkling  Catawba.  Th 
Califomian  Champagne,  51«.  per  dozen.  Red  an' 
white  Hungarian  Wines,  30s.  and  upwards  per  doi 
The  celebrated  aromatic  Scheidain  Schnappil 
Stoughton  &  Sickles'  Bitters.  Bourbon,  Mononge  j 
hela,  and  Old  Dominion  Whiskies. 


EXTRACT  OF  ROSES,  EOI 

•*y  Cleansing,  Beautifying,  and  Preservin  I 
the  Hsir.    Imparts  to  the  Hair  the  fragrance  of  th  I 
Rose,  and  gives  it  that  smooth  and  glossy  appearanc 
so  much  appreciated  in  the  present  style  of  dressin 
the  Hair.    3s.  5«.,  and  10s. 

H.  Riggb,  35,  New  Bond  Street. 


PHILLIPSON  &  Co's  New  Perfume, 

"LA  TJUCHESSE." 

The  most  refreshing  and  durable  of  the  day. 
Price  2s.  6d.  of  all  Chemists  and  Vendors  of 
Perfumery, or  by  letter  (enclosing  a  Post  Office 
Orderor  Stumps)  to  PHILLIPSON  AND  CO., 
1,  Buhge  Row,  St.  Paul's,  Londov,  E.C. 
The  rOMADE,2s.  6d. ;  SOAP.  Is.  :OIL,  2s.6d. 
Perfumery  for  ever!/  climate.   Cataloguesfree. 


MJ.  AND  D.  NICOLLS 
•  Fashionable  OVERCOATS  for  Your 
Gentlemen  are  kept  ready,  in  all  sizes,  for  irnm 
diate  use,  their  usual  moderate  charges  being  strict 
observed.— 114, 116,118, 120,  Regent  Street:  22,  Cor 
hill,  London ;  and  10,  St.  Ann's  Square,  Manchesti 


HJ.  AND  D.  NICOLTJ 
*  Fashionable  KNICKERBOOKE 
DliESS,  for  Young  Gentlemen;  also,  the  ETO 
and  HARROW  SUITS,  aie  kept  ready  in  all  sizi 
for  immediate  use-114,  116,  US,  and  tin.  Rege 
Street;  22,  Cornhill,  London;  and  10,  St.  Am 
Square,  Manchester. 


'S   PATENT   DETE( 

TOR  LOCKS:  Chubb's  Fire  and  Bu 
glar  Froof  Safes;  Chubb's  Fireproof  Strong-roo 
Doors ;  Chubb's  Street-door  Latches,  with  smi 
keys;  Chubb's  Cash  and  Deed  Boxes.— lllustrat 
Price  List  sent  free. 

Chubb  &  Son,  No.  57,  St.  Paul's  Churchyard. 


December  28,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


255 


OUR    ARTIST    WAS    ON    THE    SPOT. 


MR.  PUNCH'S  APOLOGY. 

Magna  culpa  nostra  !  Cox  is  in 
for  Pinsbury !  We  did  it— it  was 
our  fault,  aud  we  frankly  and  hum- 
bly confess  it.  We  neglected  our 
duty.  We  stopped  Cox  last  time. 
shut  him  out,  shut  him  up,  and 
could  have  done  so  this  time  with 
a  single  paragraph.  Ami  we  didn't 
write  that  paragraph.  We  admit 
our  laches,  we  avow  our  guilt.  But 
be  not  hard  upon  us.  Everybody 
must  look  a  little  after  his  own 
interests  in  these  days,  and— come, 
the  truth  must  be  told— we  wanted 
Cox.  We  wanted  him  in  Parlia- 
ment. Sibthoep  is  gone,  and 
Williams  has  turned  sensible,  and 
Scully  is  such  very  small  game. 
We  wanted  Cox,  and  there  is  an 
end  of  the  matter.  Please,  generous 
and  kind  world,  please  to  forgive 
us  that  we  let  him  in  for  Pinsbury. 
We'll  make  it  up  to  you  one  way 
or  another.  The  great  Apuleius 
himself  had  a  similar  need,  and  see 
how  cleverly  he  treated  the  sub- 
ject. 

Come,  it  is  Christmas  time,  and 
we  must  insist  on  being  forgiven. 
You  don't  know  what  fun  there  is 
in  Cox  ?  Come,  shake  hands,  and 
absolve  us.  That  is  right,  hooray, 
let's  liquor ! 


The  Best  Christmas  Box. 

The  Despatch-Box,  which  is  ex- 
pected to  arrive  from  America  a 
little  after  Christmas,  will  turn  out 
to  be  without  comparison  the  very 
best  Christmas  Box  this  year,  if  it 
is  found  to  contain  an  honourable 
submission  to  England's  demands, 
and  a  hearty  profession  of  peace 
and  good  will,  as  becoming  the 
season,  from  Jonathan  towards 
his  old  friend  John  Bull. 


A  SOREY  CHEISTMAS. 

I  come  again— your  hoary  King ! 
My  crown  of  ivy  green  and  beaded  holly,— 

My  wonted  crown— behold  I  bring, 

My  wonted  Christmas-Carol  sing, 
Wooing  to  joy  e'en  blackest  melancholy ; 

I  lift  my  wassail-cup 

With  spiced  drink  mantling  up— 

But  ah,  my  crown  looks  sere, 

My  Carols  grate  upon  the  ear, ' 
My  wassail-healths  sound  wantonness  and  folly. 

A  blight  lies  on  the  iron  earth, 
A  dark  cloud  hides  the  lowering  heaven  : 

'Tis  not  the  thought  of  winter  dearth, 

Huddled  beside  a  tireless  hearth, 
Hushing  its  thin  brood  till  the  bread 'is  given : 

To  woes  and  wants  like  these 

I  can  bring  ready  ease, 

With  good-will  and  good-cheer 

Can  warm  and  raise  the  dying  year, 
But  tins  is  gloom  not  all  my  mirth  can  leaven. 

™    \  Peace  P011  Earth,  good  will  to  man," 
My  charter  who  among  you  but  remembers  ? 

1  that  should  bless,  how  shall  I  ban  ? 

1  that  the  fires  of  love  should  fan. 
How  shall  I  stir  to  flame  hate's  smouldering  embers  ? 

How  dye  with  deeper  red 

The  holly  round  my  head, 

How  change  my  carol  sweet 

To  war-cry,  for  my  throat  unmeet, 
How  bid  war  s  horror  wed  with  drear  December's  P 


a    i  .,Pea?e  ^Fon  Earth,  good  will  to  all," 
And  il  good  will  to  all  what  to  our  brother? 

Oh,  may  the  lifted  weapons  fall. 

And  Peace's  gentle  call 
Pierce  through  the  trumpets  that  her  pleading  smother  ? 

May  better  thoughts  ensue, 

Wrong-doers  wrongs  undo, 

lill  breaks  the  war-cloud  dun, 

And  bursts  God's  blessed  winter  sun, 
lo  show  two  hands,  disarm'd,  clasping  each  other. 


The  Prussian  Crown  and  Cushion. 

The  Kreuz  Zeitung  reports  a  speech  made  the  other  day  by  the  King 
of  Prussia,  in  which  his  Majesty  said:-"My  basis  will,  however,  be 
I fenr  »me'wf  7f  be  "lvlolaMe.    I  have  received  my  crown  from  the 

thZ'i,  u  -fi  4hvaS-K-N1Gl.^ILLI/5s1  receil3t  of  llis  C1'°wn  from  the 
altar  to  do  with  the  inviolability  of  his  basis  ?  What  relation  does  his 
basis  bear  to  his  crown?     Is  not  the  one  the  direct  opposite  to  the 

u  ri     *    i   G  0F  Prxjssia  Puts  l"s  crown  upon  his  basis,  what, 
we  should  like  to  know,  does  he  put  his  hat  upon? 

Lincoln's  Brag. 

Adapted  from  Macbeth. 

Lincoln.  We 've  got  three  million.     ",'  % 
John  Bull.  Geese,  villain  ? 
Lincoln.  Soldiers,  Sir  ! 


VOL,  XXI. 


a  AVE  YOU  SEEN  BLONDIN?  Well,  we  really  don't  much  care 
LZ.  pettier  you  have  or  not.  The  question  of  the  day  in  which  we  feel  most 
interest  is— Have  you  purchased  Punch's  Almanack?  and  unless  you  can  say  "  Yes, 
JAissy,     we  hereby  authorise  your  wife  to  pull  your  whiskers  well  for  you. 


D  D 


256 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[December  28,  1861. 


IN    STATU    PUPILLARI." 

aptain  F — ; —  vi- 
siting an  aristocra- 
tic boarding-school 
in  Paris,  where  a 
young  lady,  accord- 
ing to  public  report, 
had  lost  an  eye, 
■writes  : — 

"  I  have  the  happi- 
ness to  state  that  I 
found  all  the  scholars 
perfectly  sound  of  eye, 
and  not  one  wanting  at 
roll-call." 

It  is  something 
ne  w,though  scarcely 
according  to  the 
usages  of  French 
gallantry,  to  speak 
of  young  ladies,  as 
one  would  of  a  team 
of  horses  ;  but  it  is 
nevertheless  grati- 
fying to  find  that, 
after  a  diligent  in- 
spection of  a  French 
seminary,  an  eye- 
witness could  "  covenant r'  every  pupil  sound  ;  and  it  is,  moreover,  satisfactory  to 
know  that  the  dear  little  creatures  all  answered  to  the  "  roll-call."  We  were 
well  aware  that  a  bell  is  always  rung  at  meal-times  in  large  schools,  but  it  is  a 
matter  of  surprise  to  us  to  learn  that  there  is  a  special  call  for  Freuch  "  rolls." 


A  REMINDER  TO  THE  POPE. 

Dear  Pius, 

The  Bashan  Week  being  now  over,  and  all  the 
Fat  Farmers  who  stuck  in  the  bogs  about  Baker  Street 
being  remitted  to  their  native  mud,  we  are  ready  to  receive 
the  Bulls  your  Holiness  has  promised  for  the  Exhibition 
at  Brompton.  Come  with  them,  if  you  like,  for  though 
only  a  gentle  Shepherd,  you  have  shown  that  you  know 
the  use  of  the  goad.  Come  over  Westminster  Bridge,  and 
don't  let  the  Cardinal  Archbishop  of  Westminster  do  you 
into  stopping  at  St.  George's  in  the  way  (you'll  see  his 
place,  it  is  close  to  Bedlam),  but  drive  on  straight.  We'll 
put  you  up  comfortably  at  the  Mitre,  the  Kings  and  Keys, 
or  where  you  like.  Come  along— you'll  not  find  us  nearly 
so  black  as  we  are  painted  by  that  humbug,  Antonelli. 
You  '11  be  popular  here  in  a  week,  and  you  never  will  be 
so  in  Rome.  Come.  Bibimus  papaliter,  But,  anyhow, 
send  the  Bulls. 

Ever  your  Holiness's 

Devoted  Servant, 

St.  Nicholas's  Day.  pmNCg?. 


NO  VENT  PEG  REQUIRED  by  those  who  purchase 
Punch's  Almanack,  for  so  fine  a  spirit  of  wit  is  there  infused  in 
all  its  jokes  that  exposure  to  the  air  will  never  make  them  flat, 
and  no  stopper  is  required  to  prevent  them  from  evaporating.  Its 
contents  are  all  well  warranted  to  keep  in  any  climate,  and  may  be 
safely  recommended  not  merely  for  home  use,  hut  for  general  expor- 
tation. As  they  form  a  very  strengthening  and  wholesome  mental 
diet,  no  family  or  single  person  ought  to  be  without  them. 


Strange  Transformation  in  the  American  Cabinet. 
-Lincoln  is  looking  Sea-ward. 


"  WHERE  IS  LORD  STANLEY  QUARTERED,  DO 

YOU  KNOW  ?  "-Richard  in. 

SUGGESTED    BY    RECENT    DISCUSSIONS,    AND  VERY   SLIGHTLY   ALTERED 
FROM  MR.  WILLIAM   COWPER,    OF   OLNEY. 

Between  Noes  and  Ayes  a  strange  contest  arose, 
Lord  Stanley  had  set  them  unhappily  wrong  : 

The  point  in  dispute  was,  as  all  the  world  knows, 
To  which  that  young  nobleman  ought  to  belong. 

The  Press  was  the  lawyer,  and  argued  the  cause 
With  a  great  deal  of  skill  and  elaborate  learning, 

While  Chief  Baron  Puncb  sal  to  balance  the  laws, 
So  famed  for  his  talent  in  nicely  discerning. 

"  In  behalf  of  the  Noes  it  will  quickly  be  clear, 

And  your  Lordship,"  he  said,  "  will  undoubtedly  find, 

"  That  a  Stanley  must  be  a  Conservative  peer, 
And  if  radical,  held  to  be  out  of  his  mind." 

Then,  holding  a  pedigree  up  to  the  Court, 

"  To  doubt  it  were  treating  his  eminent  Dad  ill. 

A  son  of  Prince  Rupert,  my  Lord  is.  in  short, 
A  true  Cavalier,  hi  the  senate  or  saddle." 

Again,  would  your  Lordship  a  moment  suppose, 
('Tis  a  case  that  has  happened,  and  may  be  again), 

If  his  father  shoidd  trip  up  his  Government  foes, 
1 1  e  must  surely  have  him  for  an  aide-de-camp  then  ? 

On  the  whole  it  appears,  and  my  argument  shows 

With  a  reasoning  that  won't  make  your  Lordship  look  grim, 

That  Lord  Stanley  was  certainly  made  for  the  Noes, 
And  the  Noes  were  as  plainly  intended  for  him. 

Then,  shifting  his  side,  as  a  lawyer  knows  how, 

He  pleaded  again  in  behalf  of  the  Ayes, 
That  Lord  Stanley  was  not  of  the  Past,  but  the  Now, 

And  for  cant  and  conventional  humbug  too  wise. 

Then  his  Judgeship  decreed,  in  a  grave  solemn  tone, 
Decisive  and  clear,  without  one  If  or  But, 

That  whenever  the  Noes  set  that  nobleman  on 
To  speak  Tory,  Disraeli's  mouth  should  be  shut. 


A  Minute  Bore.— What  a  deal  of  fuss  has  been  made  about  the 
Education  Minute.  The  discussion  of  the  arrangements  proposed  in 
this  one  minute  appears  to  have  uselessly  occupied  a  great  deal  of  time. 


A  LOOSENESS  IN  A  GOVERNMENT  OFFICE. 

In  the  annual  report  of  the  Postmaster-General,  issued  two  or  three 
weeks  ago,  we  read  that — 

"  The  carelessness  of  the  public  in  posting  letters  is  best  shown  by  the  fact  that 
no  less  than  50,000  postage  stamps  were  found  loose  in  letter  boxes  and  mail-bags." 

If  is  very  well  to  put  the  above  down  to  the  "  carelessness  of  the 
public."  It  may  be  owing  to  the  carelessness  of  the  Post-Office.  _  A 
short  time  ago,  the  authorities  of  St.  Martin's-le-Grand  were  so  sparing 
of  their  gum,  that  it  was  as  difficult  to  find  a  postage  stamp  stick  to  its 
letters  as  one  of  Lord  Malmesbury's  clerks.  Like  deserters,  they 
displayed  a  too  willing  alacrity  in  running  away  from  their  posts.  Ad- 
mirably as  the  Post-Office  is  conducted  in  most  of  its  branches,  we 
must  say  that  it  ^as  in  the  above  respect  anything  but  what  an  actor 
would  call  "letter-perfect,"  in  its  delivery.  Whose  gain  we  should  like 
to  know  was  the  treasure-trove  of  those  50,000  stamps  ?  We  conclude 
they  became  the  perquisite  of  the  Post-Office;  so  that  they  had  an 
act  ual  gain  in  a  want  of  adhesiveness  to  their  proper  duties.  They  bene- 
fited by  their  "carelessness"  to  the  extent  of  £208  6s.  Sd. ;  and  if 
these  50,000  stamps  were  sold  again,  and  fell  off  again,  as  such  a  slippery 
article  undoubtedly  would,  they  would  realise  the  same  profit  every 
time  they  repeated  the  transaction.  It  is  not  turning  "  an  honest 
penny"  to  sell  an  article  that  will  not  fulfill  the  promise  with  which  it 
lias  been  backed.  The  dodge  may  be  exceedingly  clever,  and  may 
succeed  in  increasing  the  sale  of  stamps  to  a  very  large  extent,  but  we 
decidedly  should  prefer  in  such  matters  from  Government  a  little  less 
gumption  and  a  little  more  gum. 


DISSENTRIFUGAL  FORCE. 


"  The  general  body  of  Protestant  Dissenting  Ministers  of  the  three  denomina- 
tions, met  at  the  Congregational  Library,  Blomfield  Street,  to  take  into  consider- 
ation the  present  relations  of  this  country  with  the  United  States  of  America — Rev. 
Professor  Hoppus,  D.D.,  in  the  chair.  Resolutions  were  unanimously  adopted 
deprecating  war  with  America." 

You  holy  Hoppus, 

You  shall  not  stop  us, 
But  what  odd  fish  your  friends  must  be  ! 

They  hate  a  Bishop, 

Yet  send  a  wish  up, 
For  tyranny  in  every  Sea. 


A  Modern  Greek  Chorus. 


A  Telegram  from  Constantinople  lately  announced  that  :— 

"  The  Turkish  lira  has  risen  from  200  to  270  piastres." 

Private  letters  afford  us  the  additional  information  that  all  the  Greek 
stockjobbers  at  Galata  were  singing  "  Lira  la  !  " 


December  28,  1861.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


257 


HIGH    ART    ON    A    LOW    ROPE.    I 

erily  the  pleasure- 
seeking  public  is  most 
strangely  inconsis- 
tent. To  see  the 
Octoroon  pretend  to 
die  upon  the  stage 
is  too  much  for  its 
tender  heart  and 
tear-filled  eyes  to 
witness :  but  to  see 
M.  Blondin  risk  his 
life  hi  grim  reality, 
brings  no  sort  of 
sickening  qualm,  _  or 
compassionating  fear 
to  it.  At  least,  if  it 
feel  fright  at  all,  the 
very  terror  is  attrac- 
tive ;  and  the  more 
danger  there  is,  the 
more  the  public 
flocks  to  see  it.  Take 
away  the  chance  of 
neck-breaking,  _  and 
who  would  stir  a 
foot  to  see  a  man 
walk  on  a  high  rope  ?  It  is  the  peril  that  so  pleases  the  tender-hearted 
public.  It  is  the  chance  of  witnessing  a  real  act  of  suicide  that  makes 
it  flock  in  crowds,  like  Spaniards  to  a  bull-fight :  while  it  turns  away 
its  eyes  in  well-affected  horror  at  the  simulated  death  before  the 
footlights  of  the  Octoroon. 

To  see  M.  Blondin  appear  on  his  high  rope,  the  Crystal  Palace 
each  day  gathered  about  twenty  thousand  people :  whereas  a  daily 
average  of  not  above  three  thousand  have  been  attracted  lately  to 
see  him  on  his  low  rope,  which  latter,  if  judged  simply  by  its  acrobatic 
merits,  ought  to  prove  hj  far  the  more  attractive  exhibition.  As  danc- 
ing, rightly  practised,  is  more  elegant  than  walking,  so  M.  Blondin's 
tight-rope  dancing  is  superior  and  more  worth  seeing  than  his  tight-rope 
walking,  albeit  in  this  last  there  is  the  charming  chance  of  seeing  him 
fall  off  and  break  his  neck.  Though  at  a  lower  elevation,  the  former  is 
by  far  the  higher  style  of  art :  and  by  descending  to  within  six  or  eight 
feet  of  the  floor,  M.  Blondin  has  much  raised  himself  in  Mr.  Punch's 
estimation. 

Let  not  people  rashly  think  themselves  quite  qualified  to  answer  the 
world-wide-posted  question,  "  Have  you  seen  Blondin  ? "  by  the  fact 
that  they  have  seen  him  simply  on  the  high  rope.  Blondin  on  the 
high  rope  and  Blondin  on  the  low,  are,  except  in  never  failing  in  what 
is  undertaken,  scarcely  to  be  recognised  as  being  the  same  performer. 
Blondin  eight  feet  from  the  ground  performs  such  feats  of  skill  and 
strength  as  at  two  hundred  feet  above  it  of  course  he  would  not  dare  to 
do.  Using  the  rope  either  as  a  spring-board,  floor  or  sofa,  as  his  fancy 
seems  to  take  him,  he  hops,  skips,  dances,  jumps,  turns  summersaults 
in  sabots,  in  fetters,  or  on  stilts,  and  over  rows  of  lighted  candles  with- 
out whisking  ever  a  wick  out,  lies  flat  upon  bis  back  as  snug  [as  in  a 
hammock,  bounds  up  high  into  the  ah  and  swings  his  legs  from  side  to 
side  as  though  they  were  but  tied  to  him,  plays  the  fiddle  or  the  drum, 
now  firm  upon  one  leg  as  if  a  model  for  a  statue,  next  jumping  up  and 
down  as  though  in  training  for  the  Cure,  appearing  all  the  while  as 
much  at  home  and  at  his  ease  as  if  he  had  in  fact  been  born  upon  the 
rope,  and  had  lived  all  his  life  on  it.  Blondin  is  in  fact  as  much  at 
ease  upon  the  tight-rope  as  would  a  Gorilla  be  in  doing  the  trapeze,  and 
there  is  a  poetry  of  motion  in  his  movements  that  one  would  scarce 
expect  to  see  in  so  prosaic  a  performance  as  dancing  on  the  tight- 
rope usually  is. 

A  hundred  years  ago  the  art  of  rope-dancing  ranked  higher  among 
the  arts  and  sciences  than  it  happens  to  do  now,  and,  being  better 
patronised,  was  doubtless  better  cultivated.  Performers  then,  may  be, 
did_  just  the  feats  that  Blondin  does:  but  they  who  are  not  cente- 
narians will  hardly  recollect  a  performer  who  has  equalled  him.  Punch 
abstained  from  praising  Blondin  for  his  skill  on  the  high  rope,  for 
Punch  had  no  wish  to  tempt  people_  to  the  chance  of  seeing  suicide. 
But  now  that  Blondin  is  performing  without  danger  to  his  neck, 
Punch  would  recommend  all  sight-seers  forthwith  to  go  and  see  bim, 


MEN  AND   MONKEYS. 

If  M.  du  Chaillu  be  believed,  and. (in  spite  of  Dr.  GravO  we  do  not 
see  why  he  should  not,  he  must  have  lived  in  queer  society  hi  Africa. 
And  yet  many  of  the  brutes,  both  animal  and  human,  that  he  found 
himself  among,  bear  no  little  resemblance  to  people  who  are  found  in 
far  more  civilised  localities.  For  instance,  the  Pan  cannibals  eat  up 
their  relations  whenever  they  have  the  chance ;  and  this  is  certainly  a 
custom  not  less  common  in  Central  England  than  it  is  in  Central 
Africa.  We  have  all  known  uncle-hunters,  who  have  done  their  best  to 
worry  those  rich  relatives  to  death,  having  bled  them  (through  their 
bankers)  as  much  as  well  was  possible ;  while  many  a  devourer  of  the 
substance  of  his  aunt  holds  his  head  erect,  and  walks  at  large  among  us, 
as  though  cannibalism  had  ceased  to  be  regarded  as  a  crime. 

Again,  take  the  Nshicgo-Mbouve,  or  large  nest-building  ape,  which 
M.  du  Chaillu  claims  the  merit  of  discovering.  This  monkey  is  a 
bald  one,  and,  as  the  art  of  wig-making  in  ape-land  is  unknown,  he 
builds  himself  a  nest  or  thatch  to  keep  his  head  warm,  and  prevent  the 
wind  from  whistling  in  his  ears.  And  do  not  many  men  make  nests, 
and  know  well  how  to  feather  them  ?  The  practice  is  as  usual  here  as 
with  the  Nshiego-Mbouvcs,  and  the  industry  and  skill  with  which  it  is 
achieved  are  every  whit  as  wondrous  with  the  men  as  with  the  monkeys. 
As  another  very  marked  peculiarity  of  theirs,  these  apes  are  spoken  of 
as  being  pretty  often  up  a  tree,  in  fact,  as  passing  in  that  manner  a  full 
half  of  their  existence.  But  this  is  not  a  habit  special  to  the  simious 
creation.  Our  poor  friend  Mr.  Harduppe  has  for  years  been  "up  a 
tree,"  to  quote  his  own  _  confession ;  and  the  chances  are,  we  think, 
from  our  knowledge  of  his  character,  that  he  will  end  his  days  in  that 
uncomfortable  position. 

Thus  we  find  iu  Central  England  and  in  civilised  society  precisely  the 
same  habits  and  eccentric  ways  of  living  as  those  which  have  been 
noted  in  the  wilds  of  Central  Africa.  In  fact,  the  customs  of  Gorilla 
Laud  and  parts  thereto  adjacent,  although  in  haste  we  call  them  savage, 
brutal,  and  inhuman,  not  merely  have  existence,  but  are  actually  ap- 
plauded, when  pursued  in  our  (so  called)  more  civilised  community. 
Many  think  it  a  neat  dodge  to  live  on  one's  relations,  and  when  a  rich 
man  dies  the  first  thing  his  friends  ask  is— how  will  he  "cut  up?" 
Instances  occur  almost  daily  here  among  us  of  people  being  hunted 
down  and  eaten  up  by  fellow  men,  who  pursue  with  cruel  eagerness  all 
the  helpless  victims  who  may  chance  to  cross  their  path.  Indeed,  much 
as  we  may  boast  of  our  superior  intelligence,  customs  the  most  canni- 
balic  prevail  still  in  this  country :  and  many  who  are  looked  upon  as 
Educated  Englishmen,  behave  themselves  iu  no  way  better  than  Gorillas. 


T)0  YOU  WANT  LUXUEIOUS  WHISKERS  ?  If  so,  go  at  once 
J-^  and  purchase  Punch's  Almanack:  wherein,  among  ten  thousand  useful  bits  of 
information,  you  will  meet  with  no  directions  how  to  make 

The  merry  brown  hairs  come  leaping, 

Leaping  out,  you  will  see  : 
Till  the  girls  cry,  prettily  peeping, 

"  What  beautiful  whiskers  has  he  !  " 

—simply  because  Punch  is  very  much  too  wise  to  waste  his  time  in  writing  that 
which  nobody  but  simpletons  would  read. 


Agitated  Tailor  (to  foreign-looking  gentleman'), "Y-you're  rather  l-long 
in  the  arm,  S-sir,  b-b-bwt  I'll  d-d-do  my  b-b-best  to  fit  you  1 " 


WRITING  ON  THE  WALL  OF  CONGRESS. 

Them  as  dares  to  misbehave, 

Ven  they  're  whopped,  '11  have  to  "  cave.' 


DO  YOU  BRUISE  YOUR  OATS  YET,  AND  HAVE  YOU  CUT 
YOUR  CORNS  ?  If  you  think  these  questions  impudent,  wc  don't  want  you 
to  answer  them.  But  be  sure  at  any  rate  to  purchase  Kelly's  Post-Ojfi.ee  Directory, 
or  else  be  prepared  to  answer  for  your  negligence.  Ha!  Ha!  Sold  you,  Mr.  Reader. 


258 


PUNCH.    OR   THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[December  28,  1861. 


UNEXPECTED    BLISS. 

Swell  (dressing).    "  Hurrah  !  !    By  Jove,  there's  a  Button  at  the  back  op 

my  Shirt  !  !  !  " 


CALUMNY  ON  CRACK  CORPS. 

The  feelings  of  every  man  who  wishes  to  respect  his  species,  and  is  accustomed 
to  ride  in  London  omnibuses,  must  often  have  been  outraged  by  a  certain  coloured 
print  which  is  stuck  up  inside  most  of  those  vehicles  on  the  part  facing  the  door. 
This  picture  represents  two  degraded  beings  of  opposite  sexes,  fashionably  attired, 
the  hair  and  whiskers  of  the  man  half  grey,  half  black,  and  the  tresses  of  the  other 
black  on  one  side  and  red  on  the  other.  Both  the  gent  and  his  counter-part  are 
represented  with  a  countenance  in  which  a  ridiculous  ruefulness  combines  with  a 
disgusting  love  of  approbation.  The  title  of  this  work  of  art,  printed  in  large  type, 
is  "  No  more  Gray  Hair ;  "  and  the  two  snobs,  male  and  female,  whose  portraits 
illustrate  that  inscription,  are  supposed  to  have  resorted  to  staining  their  hair,  and 
to  have  allowed  then  likenesses  to  be  taken  when  that  process  was  half  done,  in 
order  to  exhibit  the  contrast  between  its  results  on  the  one  side,  and  the  state  of 
nature  on  the  other.  They  look  very  much  as  if  they  had  been  paid  to  sit,  and  felt 
rather  ashamed  of  themselves  in  so  dohig. 

What  then  will  be  the  sentiments  with  which  the  elect  of  the  British  Army  will 
read  the  following,  picked  out  of  a  column  of  other  advertisements  of  cosmetics  ? — 

C  AUNDERS'  GUARDS'  HAIR  DYE  is  the  cheapest  and  best ;  has  no  smell,  and 
^  is  perfectly  harmless,  and  instantly  changes  red  or  grey  hair  to  the  most  natural  brown  or 
black." 

The  Guards'  Hair  Dye !  What  next  ?  The  Guards'  Kalydor,  perhaps,  or  the 
Guards'  Milk  of  Roses,  or  the  Guards'  Enamel.  In  the  meantime  an  officer  of 
the  Coldstream— or  Coldcream — will  have  to  do  omnibus-duty  pictorially  for  the 
wretch  who  now  figures  as  the  [exemplification  of  "  No  more  Gray  Han."  The 
print  which  is  now  simply  disgusting  will  become  libellous  when  it  exhibits  an 
officer  and  a  gentleman  disgracing  himself  by  colouring  his  hair.  We  know  well 
that  our  gallant  Guardsmen  have  no  notion  of  dying,  unless  either  from  natural 
causes,  or  for  their  country,  and  their  Punch. 


A  Friar  Tuck  for  Jonathan.— If  the  Yankees  iuvade  Canada,  they  will  get 
into  a  scrape  with  the  Governor,  Lord  Monck.  This  Monck,  we  hope,  will 
show  them  that  he  belongs  to  one  of  the  Flagellant  orders  by  giving  them  a 
sound  whipping. 


THE  TWO  MESSENGERS. 

COLUMBIA. 

I  have  a  message  must  cross  the  sea, 
But  I  doubt  what  message  it  shall  be : 
Aud  be  it  Peace,  or  be  it  War, 
A  fitting  post  I  would  choose  therefor.  ■ 
So  say,  you  bonny  birds  of  mine, 
Around  which  neck  shall  I  tie  the  twine  ? 

THE   EAGLE. 

Round  mine,  round  mine,  my  mistress  sweet, 
My  wings  are  broad  and  my  flight  is  fleet : 
And  I  have  a  beak  to  rend  the  prey, 
And  talons  for  all  my  course  would  stay : 
And  I  can  swoop  over  land  and  sea — 
Then  "  War,"  and  your  message  send  by  me  ! 

THE  DOVE. 

Round  mine,  0  mistress  sweet,  round  mine : 

I'm  swift  as  arrow,  and  true  as  line  : 

Nor  talons  sharp,  nor  beak  have  I, 

But  a  soft  swe3t  voice  and  a  pleading  eye  ; 

And  none  will  harm  me,  on  land  or  sea — 

Then  "  Peace,"  and  send  your  message  by  me. 

THE   EAGLE. 

The  Lion  stands  in  act  to  spring, 
Her  glove  Britannia  lifts  to  fling: 
A  haughty  claim  asks  haught  reply, 
He  half  has  conquered,  who  dares  defy: 
With  the  Lion  the  Eagle  should  parly  hold — 
Then  give  me  the  message,  brief  and  bold. 

THE  dove. 
The  dugs  of  the  Lioness  suckled  thee, 
When  first  thou  earnest  over  sea. 
Better  I  ween  than  Britannia's  glove, 
Is  the  hand  of  Britannia,  clasped  in  love. 
'Twixt  Dove  and  Lion  calm  speech  may  be — 
Then  the  message  of  Peace  send  thou  by  me  ! 

THE   EAGLE. 

Thou  hast  boasted  and  blustered  and  talked  of  fight, 

Hast  set  a  bold  face  in  lieu  of  right : 

If  breath  thou  bate,  or  back  thou  draw,  ' 

Or  instead  of  battle  offer  law, 

Oh,  scornful  the  Lion's  laugh  will  be— 

Then  the  message  of  War  send  thou  by  me  ! 

THE   DOVE. 

I  f  thou  hast  boasted,  boast  no  more  : 

If  war  thou  hast  challenged,  repent  it  sore  : 

The  devil's  wickedest  whisper  to  man 

Is,  "  Let  wrong  end,  since  wrong  began." 

Oh,  glad  the  Lion's  great  heart  will  be, 

If  a  message  of  Peace  thou  send  by  me.  j 


And  still  in  doubt  doth  Columbia  stand, 

A  bird  aud  an  answer  on  cither  hand  ; 

For  War, — the  Eagle  with  eyes  a-glow ; 

For  Peace, — the  Dove,  with  her  plumes  of  snow. 

But  Peace  or  War  should  the  message  be, 

'Twill  find  them  ready  across  the  sea. 


Conspicuous  by  its  Absence. 

The  American  organ,  the  Morning  Star,  alone  of  all 
the  London  journals,  appeared  on  the  sixteenth  without  the 
signs  of  respect  usual  when  a  national  affliction  occurs.  It 
was  subsequently  shamed  into  a  shambling  kind  of  apology. 
But  why  not  have  told  the  truth :  namely,  that  it  had  been 
so  industriously  smearing  the  English  flag,  and  cleaning 
Mr.  Seward's  dirty  shoes,  that  it  had  no  blacking  to 
spare  for  decorous  observances  ? 


DAILWAY  TRAVELLERS!  INSURE  YOURSELVES 
-tV  a  lot  of  hearty  laughs  by  buying  Punch's  Almanack.  The  best 
travelling  companion  ever  yet  produced.  KiUs  blue  devUs  and  black 
care,  that  often  sits  behind  the  engine-driver  as  weU  as  the  stage 
coachman.  Makes  the  longest  journey  short,  and  enables  one  to 
undergo  a  travel  even  by  the  Eastern  Counties  Railway  without 
losing  one's  temper. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— December  28,  1861. 


COLUMBIA'S    FIX. 


Columbia.    "WHICH   ANSWER   SHALL    I   SEND?'3 


Abdication  of  the  Queen  of  Song  (The),  35 

Abolition  of  the  Paper  Duty,  142 

Absence  of  Body  involves  Absence  of 
Fees,  124 

Absurd  Association  of  Ideas,  ISO 

Absurdity  in  the  Law  (An),  7 

Advertising  Scamps,  211 

Advice  to  Opera-Goers,  22 

Ahead  of  the  Britishers,  231 

Aids  to  Agriculture,  36 

Albert,  245 

Alleged  Suicide  of  the  Popo,  82 

Allocution  Accounted  for  (The),  1C3 

Ambition  among  the  Aldermen,  141 

Amends  to  America,  182 

American  Dilemma  (The),  247 

American  Editor's  Lament  (The),  130 

American  Exhibition  (The),  253 

American  Notions  on  English  Newspa- 
pers, 221 

American  Spirit  Merchants,  237 

Ancient  and  Modern  Quacks,  110 

Anecdotes  from  Paris,  131 

Angelic  Doctor  (The),  165 

Answer  to  Correspondents  (An),  05 

Appeal  Extraordinary,  9 

Appeal  to  the  North  (An),  186 

Apples  of  Vanity  (The),  152 

Are  Mourners  Travellers  ?  101 

Arithmetic  amongst  the  Advertisements, 
212 

Army  Preparation,  201 

Art  in  Parliament,  50 

Austrian  Justice,  185 

Ballad  of  Mary  Newell,  221 

Bathing  for  Bedlamites,  195 

Beaux-Wows  !  39 

Belgravian  and  the  Strand  Lament,  23 

Between  Andover  and  London,  56 

Bishop  Hamlet's  Advice  to  the  Parsons, 
136 

Black  and  White,  26 

Blondin  over  the  Fountains,  114 

Bock  Again  1  46 

Bombiua  the  Bold,  94 

Bosh  from  the  Baltic,  110 

Bourbon  Memory  (The),  20 

Boys  Playing  at  Bloodshed,  106 

Brave  Bishop  (A),  101 

Bricklayers  and  Beeswing,  164 

Bright  View  of  Reform  (A),  222 

British  and  Foreign  Benevolence,  43 

British  and  Foreign  Loyalty,  162 

Bunch  of  Fresh  Gathered  Advertisements 
(A),  180 

Calumny  on  Crack  Corps,  258 

Case  of  Real  Distress  (A),  70 

Catchpenny  Press  (The),  190 

Challenge  (A),  79 

Chancery  is  the  best  Mother  for  Legal 
Orphans,  70 

Change  for  Peter's  Pence,  261 

Chant  of  Cornpiegne  (The),  160 

Chemical  Nomenclature  for  Ladies,  11 

Children  for  Sale,  50 

Chronicling  Small  Beer,  86 

Civil  Service  News,  189 

Civil  War  in  America  (The),  63 

Clergy  Relief  Act  (A),  174 

Clerical  Destitution,  194. 

Club-Man's  Grievance  (A),  22 

Comfort  for  Cumming,  181 


Commercial  Slang,  24S 

Complaint  of  Christopher  Sly  (The),  85 

Conspicuous  by  its  Absence,  258 

Coolness  of  Dr.  Cullen  (The),  91 

Copies  for  Physicians,  223 

Cowper's  Canon  of  Taste,  24 

Cricketer's  Loss  and  Gain  (The),  73 

Criminal  Crystallisation,  186 

Ci  incline  for  Counsel.  161 

Crowner's  Quest  Queries,  109 

Cruel  Joke  (A),  11 

Culinary  Wonder  Wanted  (A),  223 

Curious  Mixture  (A).  100 

Curious  Persons  to  Meet,  200 

Dame  Duvden  on  the  Belgravian  Diffi- 
culty, 11 

Daring  Act  of  Perambulatorship,  150 

Daughters  to  Sell,  4 

Debt  to  the  Departed  Brave,  223 

Delicacy  and  Generosity  Charmingly 
Combined,  119 

Delicate  Inquiry  Office  (A),  51 

Description  of  an  Agricultural  Meeting, 
151 

Difficulties  for  Dr.  Cumming,  210 

Dinner  for  a  Duke  (A),  227 

Dish  of  Lava  (A),  252 

Dissentrifugal  Force,  256 

Dixit,  et  in  Mensam — ,  80 

Doleful  Ballade  of  young  Bill  of  Bank- 
ruptcie  (The),  3 

Domestic  Calamity  (A),  101 

Don't  Run  for  Gold,  29 

Down  with  your  Star-Dust !  11 

Dr.  Pusey  on  the  Turf,  84 

Dramatic  Martyrdom,  39 

Eatable  Bouquets,  8 

Economy  in  Dressing,  20 

Edwin's  Resurgam,  231 

Effervescence  in  the  Streets,  124 

Egg  and  the  Yoke  (The),  99 

Encourage  Native  Talent,  1S1 

Enlarging  the  Area  of  a  Policeman's 
Duties,  210 

Euthanasia  According  to  Law,  89 

Exercise  before  Dinner,  31 

Exotic  Slang,  155 

Extensive  Seizure  of  Tobacco  (An),  185 

Extract  from  Mr.  Punch's  Diary,  155 

Extravagance  in  Cupid's  Garden,  20 

Faithful  Spirit,  &o,  (A),  159 

Fall  of  the  Leaf  (The),  153 

Fashionable  Intelligence,  144 

Fashionable  Square  (A),  29 

Fashion  for  the  Fireside,  200 

Fashions  for  November,  199 

Feast  of  St.  Sepulchre,  121 

Fellow  for  Finsbury  (The),  240 

Few  Scratches  on  Paper  (A),  2 

Fine  Fall  in  October  (A),  125 

Finery  in  the  Kitchen,  65 

Finsbury  Voter's  Lament  (A),  241 

Fire-Eater  Feeding  Himself,  227 

Flat  Contradiction  (A),  44 

Fleeting  Fashion  (The),  125 

Flower- Bespangled  Turf  (The),  214 

Forewarned  is  Disarmed,  2 

Fortune  of  Drill  (The),  171 

Forty  Millions  of  Deficit !  211 

Four  Inscriptions  for  a  Monument,  71 

Free  and  Easy  Fraulein,  17'J 

French  Diplomacy  in  Plain  Englisli,  9 


Friends  at  the  Swan,  135 

From  our  Sensitive  Contributor,  111 

Fun  at  East  Brent,  122 

Gallant  Charge  upon  the  Enemy's  Van, 
210 

Game  of  Crossing  the  Rhine  (The),  71 

Garibaldi's  Headpiece,  200 

Gems  from  the  Emerald  Isle,  100 

Generalissimo  of  the  Russian  Forces 
(The),  69 

Genuine  Art  of  Cramming  (The),  90 

German  Fleet  (The),  120,  150 

German  Lesson  (A).  180 

German  Naval  Intelligence,  172 

Ghosts  with  a  Grievance,  102 

Glorious  Galaxy  of  Talent,  165 

Glorious  Triumph  in  the  City,  146 

God-Speed  to  the  Canada-Bound  (A),  248 

Golden  Sands  in  Time's  Hour  Glass,  130 

Good  Advice,  254 

Good  News  for  the  Navy,  230 

Good  News  from  Austria,  237 

Good  Ship  Europe's  Rotten  Cable  (The),  22 

Good  Sort  of  Fellow  (A),  142 

Gorillas  of  the  Press  (The),  42 

Goyon  and  Do  Mei-ode,  61 

Grand  Dress  Rehearsal  (A),  190 

Gray's  Elegy,  7 

Great  Eclipse  (The),  234 

Greatest  Literary  News  ever  heard,  109 

Great  Time  for  Ireland  (A),  244 

Green  Go  the  Lasses,  O  !  141 

Gross  Case  of  Dog  Stealing  (A),  96 

Gross  Equivocation,  151 

Guards'  Monument  (The),  40 

HArsBUKGH's  Greatness  in  Venice,  149 

Harvest  at  Whoam  and  Abroad,  121 

Health  of  Ireland  (Tiie),  199 

Heavy  Freight  (A).  237 

Here  's  your  Fine  Turnips,  115 

Hey  for  Dishabille  !  156 

High  Art  on  a  Low  Rope,  257 

High  Church  and  Low  Language,  240 

Hint  to  the  Clergy  (A),  21 

Horrid  Murder  of  Mozart,  171 

Horse  Veal,  10 

House  of  Commons  on  Ait  (The),  44 

How  Three  Fishers  went  Saleriug,  79 

How  to  Punish  Soldiers,  104 

How  to  Teach  Religion,  133 

How  we  '11  Break  the  Blockade,  190 

Hurrah  for  a  Principle,  54 

Ignoramus  on  the  Income-Tax  (An),  129 

Imogene's  Apology,  232 

Imperial  Bull-Fighting,  115 

Imperial  Thimblerig  (The),  184 

Important  to  Old  Ladies,  155 

Improper  Expression  (An),  237 

Incident  in  a  Couutry  Town  (An),  51 

Incredible  Humbug,  109 

Infallibility  in  Error,  180 

Infirmaries  for  Drunkards,  95 

Inhospitality  to  Punch,  109 

"  In  Statu  Pupillari,"  256 

In  the  name  of  Conscience,  4 

Irish  Bull  from  France  (An),  123 

Irish  Yahoos  (The),  245 

Italian  Theatricals,  1(0 

Jack  Trunnion  on  the  American  Diffi- 
culty, 254 

John  Bright,  243 

John  Russell,  Earj  Ludlow,  36 


Journey  in  Search  of  a  Pair  of  Gloves  (A), 

234 
Judicial  Jokes  on  Copyright,  233 
Justice  in  a  Scotch  Reel,  244 
King  Cotton  Bound,  176 
King  Cotton's  Remonstrance,  173 
Kiteflying  at  Sea,  119 
Labourer  not  Worthy  of  his  Hire  (A),  150 
Lady  and  the  Volunteers  (The),  99 
Lament  for  old  Guy  (A),  195 
Latest  from  Africa,  19 
Latest  from  Ramsgate,  85 
Lay  on  a  Ladder  (A),  85 
Lecture  on  Mnemonics,  81 
Lo  Tambour  Majeur  of  Europe,  131 
Letter  to  a  Lady,  103 
L'Hotel  des  Trois  Empcreurs  (A),  199 
Liberty  of  Unlicensed  Hawking  (The),  220 
Light-fingered  Brigade  Wanted  (A),  123 
Lines  on  the  American  Loan,  75 
London  Barricades  (The),  102 
London  Left  a  Long  Way  Bchiud,  45 
Looseness  in  a  Government  Office,  250 
Louis  Napoleon  does  Penance,  218 
Love  and  Arsenic,  253 
Love-Songs  for  Lunatics,  233 
M'Ci.ellan's  War  Song,  139 
Maiden  Election  (The),  254 
Maniacs  and  their  Money,  212 
Martyrdom  Super  Mare,  94 
Marylebone  Mooncalf  (A),  19 
Mathematics  for  Practical  Men,  199 
May  Difference  of  Opinion  never  Alter 

Collaboration,  61 
"  May  Difference  of  Opinion,"  &c,  174 
M.  Blondin's  Bumps,  103 
Medal  for  the  Museum  (A),  G9 
Medical  Manslaughter,  150 
Mellifluous  Minister  (A),  51 
Memorandum  for  Managers,  238 
Men  and  Bees,  212 
Men  and  Monkeys,  257 
Meteors  for  the  Miliion,  75 
Military  Intelligence,  237 
Military  Murder  and  Suicide,  221 
Miijo  Host's  Rejoinder,  92 
Minimised  Music,  202 
Miraculous  Music,  204 
Model  Miscellany  (A),  169 
Model  of  the  Disunited  States,  242 
Monumental  Question  (A),  102 
M.  P. 's  September  Song  (The),  95 
Mr.  John  Bull  to  the  United  States,  100 
Mrs.  Durden  on  the  American  Difficulty, 

237 
Mr.  Spurgcon  and  the  Pope,  132 
Mr.  Spurgcon's  Advice  to  Bachelors,  149 
Mr.  Punch  on  Some  Popular  Delusions, 

100,  170,  &c. 
Mr.  Punch's  Apology,  255 
Mrs.  Rochefoucauld's  Maxims,  32,  51,  80 
Music  without  Noise,  235 
Mystery  beyond  Priestcraft  (A),  230 
Nat-oleon  to  Nono,  106 
National  Defender  (A),  143 
New  Complaint  (A),  189 
New  Court  Circular  Wanted  (A),  145 
Nowdegate  in  a  New  Character,  130 
New  Monks  Wanted,  141 
New  Sanitary  Tax  (A),  181 
Newspaper  Distress  Meeting,  140 
New  Stand-Point  of  Geography  (A),  1S9 


262 


INDEX. 


[December  28,  1861. 


New  Temple  Fountain  (The),  154 

Noble  Donkey  (A),  101 

No  Joke,  76 

No  Reform  of  the  Income-Tax,  120 

Not  a  Bad  Bull,  244 

Not  a  Bad  Commission,  71 

Not  Exactly  Rosewater,  9 

Notice  for  a  General  Mourning,  1C2 

Notice  to  the  North,  232 

Not  the  Difference  of  a  Hair  between 

them,  125 
Novelty  in  Needlework,  91 
Nurslings  of  the  Waves,  195 
Ode  to  Pam,  33 

Old  Fable  newly  Applied  (An),  214 
Oppressed  at  Home  (The),  223 
Original  Poems  for  German  Minds,  181 
Orleans  Boy  (The),  182 
Our  Dramatic  Correspondent,  8,  33,45,  &c. 
Our  Female  Ironsides,  202 
Our  Musical  Police,  19,  32,  51 
Our  National  Defenders,  29 
Our  Roving  Correspondent,  39,  49,  &c. 
Our  Superiors  in  Everything,  190 
Pacem,  Peagrira,  Prccamur,  215 
Painting  the  Lily,  165 
Pam  upon  the  Heights,  S3 
Papal  Peepshows,  179 
Parallel  Feat  of  Arms,  83 
Parallels  of  Crime,  135 
Parisian  Mass  Market  (The),  iZ 
Patent  Potatoes,  103 
Patience  and  Preparation,  246 
Pedalian  v.  Mental  Superiority,  237 
Penny  Editing,  191 
Performer  and  the  Public  (The),  45 
Photographic  Caricatures  at  Rome,  251 
Piece  of  Advice  (A),  211 
Piper  worth  Paying  (A),  60 
Pity  for  Poor  Smokers  I  115 
Pity  the  Police,  3 
Plaint  of  the  Club-Men.  215 
Plain  Words  for  Plain  People,  161 
Plan  for  Relieving  the  Bishops,  193 
Daying  at  Cards,  175 
Policemen  Should  Mind  their  Letters,  23 
Poet  Close  Rageth  again,  112 
Poet  Close  to  the  Premier  (A),  44 
Pointing  a  Cannon  with  a  Moral  Purpose. 

184 
Policeman's  Progress  (The),  213 
Pope's  British  Government  (The),  247 
Pots  in  Broadcloth  and  Kettles  in  Plush, 

105 
Precedence  of  Mayors,  ]  20 
Precious  Proselytes,  183 
Present  State  of  London  (The),  91 
Pretty  Poison-Wreaths,  233 
Prince  at  the  Bar  (The).  183 
Princes  in  the  Temple  (The),  1S9 
Prize  Wants,  2]  0 
Professor  Owen  on  Relics,  123 
Professor  Sayers  at  Oxford,  247 
Protection  against  Ladies,  217 
Protestant  Spooner  on  Painting,  42 
Prussian  Crown  and  Cushion,  255 
Puffs  for  the  Police,  136 
Punch  on  the  Pyramid,  172 
Punch's  Essence  of  Parliament,  1,  13,  23, 

34,  &c. 
Punch's  "  Mother's  Catechism,"  52 
Punch's  Pulpit  Lozenges,  153 
Punish  the  Public,  95 
Puny  Whipsters  afraid  of  Women, 
Questionable  Reading  (A),  254 
Quiver  full  of  Children  (A),  151 
Railway  Tariff(A),  116 
Rather  down  in  the  Mouth,  115 
Rational  Monuments,  56 
Real  "  Smack  on  the  Kisser"  (A), 
Receipt  for  Enamelling  Ladies'  Faces,  243 
Regimental  Assassins,  144 
Reminder  to  the  Pope  (A),  256 
Repentance  Rather  too  Late,  153 
Representative  Rascals,  25 
Respect  Paid  to  Property  (The),  165 
Return  to  Town,  126 
Reverse  of  Right  (The),  175 
Rifle  Races  (The),  30 
Right  Man  in  the  Right  Place  (The),  55 
Right  Tap  and  the  Wrong  (The),  24 
Rivals  in  the  Rope-Walk  (The),  173 
Rod  in  Pickle  (A),  CI 
Roman  Brigand  to  his  Recruit  (The),  76 
Rowland  for  an  Oliver  (An),  22G 
Royal  Exchange  (The),  166 
Run  from  Manasses  Junction  (The),  66 
Sabbatarian  Espionage,  203 
Sad  World,  my  Masters  !  (A),  25 
Sample  of  Scotch  Chaff  (A),  85 
Samuel  the  Saint-Seer,  192 
Sanitary  Justice  to  Scotland,  83 
Savages  in  Suffolk,  79 
Saving  of  India  (The),  31 
Saving  the  Octoroon,  252 
School  for  Soldiers  (The),  170 
Sense  v.  Sensation,  31 


21 


224 


Sensible  Fashion  (A),  149 

Serenade  by  Musical  Policeman,  81 

Servants  and  their  Schooling,  55 

Severe,  if  not  Savage,  134 

Severe  Trial  of  Temper  in  Hot  Weather,  89 

Sheffield's  Political  J.  A.  R.,  105 

Short  Memory  (A),  93 

Short  Way  with  Secularists  (A),  02 

Sinecures  for  Sale,  91 

Sir  YEseulapius  Punch  on  Allmyeyenpa- 
thy,  231 

Sir  F.  Kelly's  Circular  to  the  Bar,  49 

Slight  Omission  (A),  101 

Smash  for  a  Sensationist  (A),  247 

Social  Scientific  Question  (A),  105 

Soldiers  of  the  Cross  Keys,  96 

Something  for  a  Rainy  Day,  93 

Something  like  Manners,  245 

Song  of  the  Talkative  Member  (The),  70 

Song  of  the  Younger  Son  (The),  193 

Sop  to  Cerberus  (A),  89 

Sony  Christmas  (A),  255 

Sparrow  Market  near  Southampton  (A), 
84 

Spartan  Discipline  at  Woolwich,  205 

Specimen  of  an  Austrian  Telegram,  145 

Specimen  of  Lying,  104 

Spendthrift  brought  to  his  Senses,  204 

Spiritual  Boxiaua,  113 

Spiritual  Pauperism,  50 

Splendid  News  from  Washington,  96 

Spinster's  Ready  Reckoner  (The),  129 

Sport  for  Distinguished  Foreigners,  95 

Sports  and  Pastimes  of  the  Americans,  130 

Staggerers  from  the  Stage,  191 

Starry  Chain  of  Magic  (A),  210 

State  of  the  Holy  See  (The).  129 

Statistics  for  the  Nursery,  194 

St.  Disraeli  to  the  Rescue,  203 

.steam  Wanted  at  the  Admiralty,  72 

Stingo  for  Summer,  84 

Striking  a  Docket,  226 

St.  Stephen's  Sculpture-Gallery,  19 

Surrounding  Savages,  154 

Sweet  Thing  in  Bonnets  (A),  175 

Tales  of  my  Grandmother,  204 

Tearem's  Last,  74 

Terrific  Explosion  at  the  Bromptou  Boil- 
ers, 139 

Testimonial  to  the  Swan  of  Southampton, 
41 

That's  the  Way  the  Money  goes,  130 

They  Manage  these  things  better  in 
France,  242 

"  This  is  no  Mine  Ain  House,"  173 

Three  Bows  to  a  String,  121 

Titular  Refinements,  232 

To  Pot  and  Kettle,  12G 

Trine  from  the  C.  C.  C.  (A),  101 

Trip  of  Electric  Telegraph,  10 

Triple  Hatful  of  Coppers  (A),  151 

Triumphs  of  Owen  (The),  200 

Truly  Enormous  Nuisance  (A),  1G5 

Two  Messengers  (The),  25S 

Two  Voices  (The),  99 

Ultramontane  Art  Treasures,  224 

"  Under  which  Mayor,  Bezonian,"  142 

"  Un  Sujet  Noir,"  55 

Usual  Ingratitude  of  the  World  (The),  30 


Very  fine  Frenzy  (A),  199 

Vicious  Court  Circular  (A),  165 

Voice  from  Washington  (A),  236 

Waiting  for  an  Answer,  238 

Wanted  a  Court  Penman,  12 

Warning  to  Jonathan  (A),  228 

Warning  to  Servant  Maids  (A),  134 

War-Song  for  the  Witlers,  201 

We  Hate  Bragging,  232 

What  ?  At  it  Again  ?  You  !  152 

Whatever  you  do,  Crow  !  S6 

Where  is  Lord  Stanley  Quartered  ?  256 

Will  you  Buy  me  Then  as  Now  ?  202 

Woman  !  74 

Woman  never  Grows  old,  1S4 

Word  to  the  Marquis  of  Normanby  (A), 

181 
Word  with  the  Volunteers  (A),  101 
Would-be  Auto  da  Fe  (A),  169 
Zong  on  St.  Swithun's  Day,  25 


LARGE  ENGRAVINGS:— 

Above  that  Sort  of  Thing,  47 

Caesar  et  Imperator,  27 

Clerical  Elocution  Lesson,  137 

Columbia's  Fix,  259 

Cover  Side  at  Compiegne  (The),  167 

"  Doth  not  a  Meeting  like  this  make 

Amends,"  87 
Family  Quarrel  (A),  127 
Gcuu-ine  Othello  (The),  1S7 
German  Fleet  (The),  157 
Gross  Case  of  Dog-Stealing  at  Sheffield, 

97 
How  they  Went  to  Take  Canada,  07 
King  Cotton  Bound,  17  7 
Last  Actof  the  Italian  Drama  (The),  117 
Latest  Improvement  in  Paris  (The),  209 
Likely  Story  (A),  249 
Look  Out  For  Squalls,  229 
Lord  Mare's  Nest  (A),  57 
Naughty  Jonathan,  5 
Notice  to  Quit,  107 
Over  the  Way,  197 
Penance  in  a  Balance  Sheet !  219 
Real  Italian  Brigand  Chief  (The),  77 
Retiring  into  Private  Life,  37 
Thames  and  his  Tributary,  147 
Waiting  for  an  Answer,  239 
Ways  and  Means,  16  and  17 
Wilful  Boy  (The),  20S 


SMALL  ENGRAVINGS  :— 

Above  Bridge  Boat  Aground,  53 
Accommodating  !  142 
After  Supper — Strange  Admission,  90 
"An  Illigynt  Coteh,   yer   Honourr  1 " 

172 
Artist's  Bride  (The),  90 
Bad  Case  of  Throwing  Stones  (A),  234 
Booking  a  Customer,  248 
Brown  and    Tomkins    Preparing    for 

Scottish  Mountain  Heights,  50 
Cabby  and  Captain,  200 
Cabby  and  Stout  Lady,  21 


Candour,  33 

Carte  de  Visite  (The),  218 

Charles  and  his  Fair  Cousins,  12 

Cheerful  Suggestion,  205 

Confirmed  Bachelor,  ICG 

Constable  of  Dover  (The),  S3 

"  Correct  '  Card '  of  the  Regatta,  Sir  ? " 

113 
Cruel,  4 
Curious  Echo  at  the  Shorcditch  Station, 

160 
Dabbling,  76 
Distressing  Case    of    ' '  Kleptomania," 

190 
Diversions  of  Drill,  74 
Doctor  and  Irascible  Patient,  43 
Doocid  Aristocrat  (A),  222 
"  Do  you  Know  what  a  Lie  is?  "  143 
Encouragement,  242 
End  of  the  Session,  62 
Fair  Equestrian  and  Punch,  23 
First  Day  of  the  Season,  196 
For-rad— For-rad— Away  !   238 
"Friend  in  Need,"  &c,  193 
Great  Western,  3  a.m.,  246 
Gross  Outrage,  30 
Groundless  Alarm,  13 
Ground  Swell  (A),  12G 
Hint  to  Architects  of  the  Present  Day 

(A),  42 
History — The  Ancient  Britons,  215 
Humility,  183 
"  I  '11   'ail  the    First  'Earse    for   you, 

Mum,"  132 
"  It's  only  a  Galop,  Uncle!"  170 
Lady  on  Horseback,  140 
Last  Day  at  the  Sea-Side  (The),  146 
Last  Sweet  Thing  in  Head-dresses,  182 
"  Like  to  see  the  Morning  Paper,  Sir?" 

182 
London  Preventive  Service  Man,  124 
Mail  Train  (The),  52 
Major  Aldershot  Returning  from  Pa- 
rade, 82 
Most  Flattering,  186 
Mr.  G.O'Rilla,  the  young  Ireland  Tarty, 

244 
Mr.  Peewit  and  Conductor,  133 
Nature  will  Out,  235 
New  Photographic  Looking  Glass,  204 
New  Page  Accounts  for  his  Honesty 

(The),  253 
Nice  Game  for  Two  or  More  (A),  GG 
"  None  o'  your  Larks,"  153 
No  Pleasing  some  People,  232 
Nurse  and  Young  Hopeful,  134 
Old  Sentleman  and  Conductor,  216 
Old  Girl  and  Hairdresser,  130 
Old  Lady  and  Mary,  213 
Old  Party  and  Fast  Etonian,  123 
One  Night  from  Home,  26 
Only  Jlan  of  Rank  in  Town  (The),  120 
Order  we  hope  to  see  Issued  (An),  2U2 
Our  Artist  was  on  the  Spot,  255 
Our  Splendid  Review,  50 
Painful  and  Humiliating  Contrast,  163 
Paradox  (A),  180 
Passenger  and  Porter,  104 
Paterfamilias  with  Air  Balloons  for  the 

Chicks,  72 
Perfect  Cure  (A),  254 
Perfect  Cure  (The),  173 
Photograph  (The),  32 
Pleasant  Watering  Place  (A),  122 
Polite  Attention,  136 
Practice  makes  Perfect,  192 
Pretty  State  of  Things  (A),  17G 
Real  Enjoyment,  106 
Recipe  to  Destroy  Moths,  100 
Relaxation,  156 
Result  of  the  Cattle  Show,  252 
Rights  of  Labour  (The),  73 
Ruse  (A),  112 

Sarcastic  Peeler  and  Cabby,  46 
Scene  at  Sandbatb,  116 
Scene  in  a  Commercial  Room,  212 
Scene  in  an  Insurance  Office,  224 
Scene  in  a  Railway  Carriage  (A),  152 
Scene  in  the  Wilds  of  Suffolk,  SO 
Serious  Drawback  (A),  10 
Sharp  Little  Boy's  Remarks  atTable,103 
Sketching  on  Stilts,  93 
Sketch  on  the  Brighton  Coast  (A),  36 
Student  Studying  at  the  Sea-Side,  92 
Suggestion  (A),  S 
Swell  and  the  Ha'pence,  20 
Tit-Bit  (A),  86 
"  Too  True ! "  144 
Trying  to  get  Forty  Winks,  41 
Unexpected  Bliss,  258 
Unlikely  Occurrence  (An),  225 
Waggoner  and  Young  Hopeful,  70 
What  our  Volunteers  ought  Not  to  Do, 

228 
"  What's  the  Fare,  Cabman  ?  "  S4 
Wit  at  a  Disadvantage,  162 
Yachting  Man  in  a  Gale,  110 


LONDON : 
BRADBURY  AND   EVANS,   PRINTERS,    WHITEFRIARS. 


BOUNO    TO     PLEASE 


^/edntm  ftmvuf 


NpC^     N.    MANCHESTER. 
I  \,^/  INDIANA ) 


ft. "2*0